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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Well, well, well. It's time for another Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Closing show.
Closing show for this bit of it.
Closing show now. Hello, I'm Ray Peacock.
Hello, I'm Ed Gamble, after the name.
Telly.
The Telly off the telly
make some things up
that you've been in
alright
Coronation Street
I know do you remember
I'd done Coronation Street
yeah
where you played that thing
I played the man in the shop
who ran the shop
Barry from the shop
yeah Barry
Barry the gay man
from the shop
and I did a release
the single for Christmas
do you remember
don't be fooled
by the newspapers
I've got
I'm still
I'm still Barry
from the shop
yeah you did
I did yeah I used to have a show but now I've got I'm still I'm still Barry from the shop yeah you did I did yeah
I used to have a show
but now I've got some pop
it's a pretty
I remember this song
it was number one
yeah it was good wasn't it
you knocked off
Craig from Big Brother
yeah
Craig from Big Brother
was doing that song
about the Down Syndrome girl
or she was in it
yeah she was
she was in it I think
unless that was him singing
no no
she was there
because do you remember
when Craig won Big Brother
that time and he went,
this is all for you.
Yeah, I remember that.
And of course she died.
Yes.
She did then, didn't she?
I don't know.
She did, she died.
Did she?
I'm sure she did.
What a waste of everyone's
time and money.
It wasn't all that much.
Then Nicola from Big Brother
released a single.
Do you remember her?
Yeah, I do.
The bald one.
I do.
Do you know why I remember her?
Why?
Because one of my agents years ago represented her as well oh really yeah do you know who she had as a
client list that i knew of yeah she had me her off big brother one right macabre more freddie star
and the roly polies brilliant that was a client that's a good client it's amazing yeah and um i
think it was pretty much to the day yeah i signed with the agency. News the next day,
oh, someone's dead at Michael Barber's house.
It was literally that quick.
Wow.
Just completely all fell apart.
Well, of course,
Nicola from Big Brother went on for big things.
What was the single she did?
She did a single called The Game.
And then she also...
About Big Brother?
Yeah.
And then she also done a porn video.
Did she?
Yeah, Big Bugger.
Big Bugger?
That's true, that.
No.
Yeah, that is true.
What happens in it?
I could probably guess.
What happens in it?
I think she gets sexed up
in the bottom.
That's making quite a leap,
isn't it?
Yeah, it is, yeah.
It's like normally you go,
oh, reality show,
oh, not a bit famous,
oh, it's falling off
a little bit,
I'll get my knockers
out in a paper.
Oh, no, okay,
that's not working out,
alright, I will release a sex video
that I say has been
stolen from my house.
Yeah, yeah.
But she'd just gone
straight to the end bit.
Big brother, single.
Up the arse.
Up the arse.
Up the arse on a
telly.
Yeah.
Oh, well I wonder
what will happen to
us when this series
finishes.
I don't know, we'll
have to do a porn
version of Peacock
and Gamble.
Yeah, what will
that one be called?
Big Cock and Gamble. Yeah, it probably will be called Bigock and Gamble. Yeah, what will that one be called? Big Cock and Gamble.
Yeah, it probably will be called Big Cock and Gamble.
Welcome to the show.
Right, put your skates on.
Too tired.
Get your skates on, we're going to get a shifty on with this.
Too tired to do it.
We're going to get a shifty on.
I'm too tired to do the podcast.
Right, alright, you sit there then,
and I'll tell them about why you're tired and why this We're going to get Shuffney on. I'm too tired to do the podcast. Right, all right. You sit there then and I'll tell them about
why you're tired
and why this isn't going to be very good.
No, I'll tell them why I'm tired.
No.
I'm tired.
Are you too tired to tell them
why you're tired?
I'm tired because of those
two fucking idiots
who were in the Alberta guest house
in Hereford
where we stayed.
Yeah.
Right?
They were there
and they came in at four in the morning and I'm a banging about and shouting and everything and
they were drunk they were clever they were probably out the gig yeah given
other people who behaved at the gig were like in the other gig yeah right and
they came in and they're being shit right I tell you what them two people
right I hope right I tell what I hope I hope you both got AIDS that's why I hope
it's really far into it.
So you're about to go properly downhill for Christmas.
I don't think they'd be properly far into it if they were banging about so much.
Well, maybe they're banging about
because they've lost all coordination.
Maybe they're banging about
because it's attacked their brains.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, how about that?
Do you know what?
I'll tell you something now, right?
And this is official, this.
Yeah.
If you stay in a hotel, right,
this is Peacock Rules,
and don't forget I'm the leader.
Leader.
Leader.
Leader.
So don't forget,
I'm the leader of the gang.
If you're in the gang and you accept me as the leader,
this is what I'm telling you.
If you're in a hotel,
other guests are bothering you
by being selfish and that.
I don't mean if it's just
a little bit loud
or they're having sex or whatever.
I mean if they're like
going out of their way
to be annoying
and shouting all the rest of it.
Plumping about.
Yeah.
You're quite within your rights.
Set fire to their room.
Right, I'm not sure about that.
You're quite within your rights, right? All you've got Right, I'm not sure about that. You're quite within your rights, right?
All you've got to do, right,
get a bottle of vodka, right?
Pour it underneath the little gap
between the door and that of their room.
Trail it back.
Light a match.
Drop it on your way.
Just go.
Might not want to do that.
Don't want to do that, right?
Knock on the door.
They open it and go,
what?
Stab them in the neck.
Right.
With a big knife.
Why would someone who doesn't want to set fire to the room prefer Stab them in the neck. Right. With a big knife. Why would
someone who doesn't want to set fire to the room prefer to stab them in the neck with
a big knife? No, what you might want to do is you might want to stab them in the neck
to make sure they're dead and then set fire to it and watch the fire. Right. I mean, these
are all scenarios I played out in my head. Yeah, but you were too tired. Problem is,
mate, we went and stayed in a B&B, right? Yeah. Not bed and breakfast. Banging and boys.
Was that my side? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your side was banging and boys, yeah.
I mean, really, nothing, I mean, luckily we didn't pay for it.
It was paid for by the gig.
Yeah.
But nothing that was promised happened.
I didn't get bed.
You didn't get a bed, yeah.
I didn't get to bed.
Yeah, but that's not what it means.
It's the thing that's...
Didn't get breakfast.
But you didn't go to breakfast.
I went to sleep at nine o'clock.
Yeah.
And also, can we stop all this childishness of, what time's breakfast at?
7 till 9.
Not everyone works in an office.
Some of us
were working late.
7 till 9?
Is that a big boarding school?
Can someone open a proper hotel?
What, where they do breakfast all day?
Or they just go breakfast. You're not getting breakfast before 11 o'clock.
Because me and the wife
aren't getting up before then.
I'd like to see
a bed and breakfast
that you run.
The bar's open till five
and every night
is movie night.
Anyway, we don't have time
for any of this.
Alright.
We've got to get a rig along
because we've got stuff
to prepare for the live show.
I know.
I'm not doing that, actually.
What?
I'm not doing the live show.
I'm too tired. Don't tell them that because a lot of people have bought know. I'm not doing that, actually. What? I'm not doing the live show. I'm too tired.
Don't tell them that
because a lot of people
have bought tickets.
The other night, right,
Russell Howard at Good News,
Russell said...
Wait, what is this?
Plug the live show
or Ray's story corner?
This is good, though.
Russell went on
and was plugging the live show
for us,
so that was nice of him, really.
Yeah.
And he went on, right,
and he went,
tell you what,
it's piss funny, right?
I'm going.
And then he went,
oh, no, I'm not.
Because I was about going,
don't say that.
Don't say you're going.
No, it's not for you being there.
So he's not.
He isn't going, by the way.
No, he's not.
I think he's doing
the Colosseum in Rome.
I think he's got a gig
at the Colosseum.
I think he's doing a gig
on the mere space station.
Yeah, I think so.
Something like that.
They'll probably
have to curtain
some of it off.
Anyway, you've
got to go and get
your tickets if you
want to hear a good
podcast.
Not doing a letter
today, by the way.
Oh yeah, no letter
today.
No letter today.
We're doing two
at the live show.
Oh shitty is that.
Do you know what,
another final phrase
of letters.
Yep, so you'll
never find out what
happens to him
unless you come
to the live show.
That's a brilliant idea, that.
Right.
I'm glad we had that idea.
That's amazing.
There's no letter today,
but there are two concluding Fraser letters
that sort of sum up the entire story.
And there's a big twist at the end.
Yeah, please don't think he dies,
because he doesn't necessarily.
Right, okay, but he might do it.
Only at the live show.
Yeah.
Which, by the way, isn't available as highlights.
No, we're not releasing it
Steve Bennett
who runs Chortle
we let him have this
on his Chortle site
to get him more traffic
he goes
I'm not coming to the live show
I'm just going to listen
to the highlights on Chortle
what sort of
Jedi mind trip was that
I'm doing highlights
on Chortle mate
not going to be highlights
it's a live show
if you want to come
and you're dedicated
and you want to see
what happens to the ill
child get tickets on
0207 520 1490 or
if you're a bit of a
geek or neo off the
matrix go on
kingsplace.co.uk
forward slash
book dash ticket
yes come that if
you want
well do come that
but watch out because
we've got a lot of
tickets sold and
you'll have to go in
the balcony if you
get there late
yeah there's no
balcony
no you'll have to build a balcony if you get there late. Yeah, there's no balcony in this thing. No, you'll have to build
a balcony if you get there late.
Yeah, so I bought that.
Whatever happened
to last ketchup?
I hope one of them's dead.
I literally,
I was, again,
trying to get to sleep
last night at your house, right?
I had to stay up for at least another hour
while you researched
Last Ketchup. I can't even say it.
I couldn't find out anything about them.
Who cares? I want to know what they're doing.
We watched about four different versions of the
Ketchup song. In Spanish,
in English, live. Christmas.
And the Christmas one is just
put bells on it.
I don't know,
I think I fancy one of them.
You think you fancy
one of Last Ketchup?
I've not decided
which one yet.
I do.
I think I fancy one of them.
I think,
do you know which one
I think I fancy?
Which one?
The one that looks like
she's got a lisp.
Do you know what I mean?
No.
She looks like she would
lisp in real life.
I don't know anything
about Last Ketchup and I don't know anything about Last Ketchup,
and I don't know which one.
The girl one, the Spanish one.
Yeah, I wasn't watching the video,
I had my eyes shut.
So the hip hop, the hip...
Well, I don't know the words.
I could do you a general feel of it.
All right, go on then.
All right.
I'm going to hear...
Do you really hear the guys going by the ratchet
and everybody's going to be like...
It's something like that. It's in that area, isn't it? It's something around that, yeah. here the guys going by the Roger and the blue and the silver and the blue and the blue and the blue and the blue and the blue and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the
blue
and the blue and the blue and the blue and the blue and the blue and the I had a good time in Hereford though. We had a lovely time mate. On the leader tour. On the leader tour was it?
Yeah, it was my leader tour.
It was basically I'd been going around the country
recruiting more people for being my gang, my gang.
How many did you get in Hereford?
Four.
Me?
Yeah, you again.
The lady who ran the B&B?
Yeah, and the woman who threw us out of Starbucks.
Yeah.
We did get thrown out of Starbucks.
Yeah.
Tell you what, there's no better way of getting thrown out of Starbucks
than by complaining that you, but you are the leader. They look Tell you what, there's no better way of getting thrown out of Starbucks than by complaining that you are the leader.
They look at you
like you're mental.
Yeah,
and there's no better
reason for getting
thrown out of Starbucks
than laughing too much
and playing with
all the children's toys.
Yeah,
because they thought
you were screaming.
Yeah.
The girl came through
and went,
why are you screaming?
And I go,
no,
that is how Ed laughs.
She didn't believe it
though,
did she?
Well,
she said,
who's Ed? And I went, Ed! Obviously Ed! She didn't believe it though did she well she said that's why she went who's Ed
and I went
in
obviously in
she thought you were
just a madman
or something
going
that is how Ed laughs
who's Ed
we have a bit of you
the bit of you
that's playing
with that child's toy
that was a good toy that
I don't know
what it was for though
children
but I didn't know
what the point of it was
I think just
give them something to do really it's like a curly abac point of it was I think just give them something
to do really
it's like a curly abacus
yes it was like
a curly abacus
a wooden square
with little bits
and you put them
over the wires
but I couldn't see
what the point of it was
you played with it
for long enough
I'm not trying to
work out the point
do you think if you
got them all to the end
then it would turn
into something else
like a flower
I thought if I got
all the bits to the end
then all of Starbucks
would revolve
it would all change like Pan's L, then all of Starbucks would revolve.
It would all change, like Pan's Labyrinth or something.
That would be brilliant, that.
It would turn into a Costa.
Oh, your imagination stretches to wonderful limits, doesn't it?
Oh, and then Starbucks would revolve and turn into a Costa.
That's how tired I've been.
I literally, I can't think of alternatives to anything
I just have to think of
a different one of it
like oh look at this pen
it's black
imagine if it was a blue one
what a wonderful world
you live in
can you imagine that
what are we going to do
I think this question
needs asking
what are we going to do
at the live show
right well
we decided yesterday or I decided and you're annoyed because you know we have to do it.
Yeah.
That we're going to film our own version of Paranormal Activity.
Yeah, but that also seems, I like it as an idea.
Yeah.
My two problems with it are, one, it's going to take an entire day out of this week.
Yeah.
Which we desperately need.
Yeah.
And two, it's a film.
That's true.
I'll tell you what we could do.
And it's meant to be a live show.
I'll tell you what we could do. What? Not do be a live show. I'll tell you what we could do.
What?
Not do it for the live show.
Yeah.
We could film it another day
and put it on YouTube.
Yeah.
Or we could film it.
Yeah.
Edit it together.
Yeah.
Just release it in the cinemas.
Release it in the cinemas.
Yeah.
Paray normal,
paray normal activity.
Paray normal activity.
That is perfect.
Brilliant.
We'll call it that.
People would love that.
They would love it, mate.
They would shit themselves.
Oh, it'd be scary, wouldn't it?
It'd be proper scary.
You have seen that, haven't you?
Oh, yeah.
I saw it the other day.
I've got to tell you about that later.
Because we're...
We can do it now.
All right.
Because it got ruined for you.
It did get ruined, yeah.
A man told you the ending, which is a shame.
A security guard told me the ending.
Yeah.
He went, it's like a full minute, mate.
And then he said the ending of Paranormal Activity. And I didn't know what he was on about, obviously. And I said, you don't talk Paranormal Activity, mate. That me the ending. Yeah. He went, it's like a full minute, mate. And then he said the ending of Paranormal Activity.
And I didn't know what he was on about, obviously.
And I said,
you don't talk Paranormal Activity, mate.
That's the one.
He's not saying that.
He just told you the ending to it.
He was brilliant, that security guard.
He was funny.
He was working somewhere
where Simon Callow's also working.
Yeah.
And we were talking,
we were actually talking to Simon Callow for a bit.
He had a coffee next to us.
And then he went,
and the security guard came over and went
oh I saw you with
Simon Keller
yeah yeah
just met him
we were well proud
of ourselves
yeah
and the security guard
went tell you what
right he's a right
miserable cunt
and we went what
he's a right miserable
cunt that Simon Keller
and we were like
he seemed perfectly
pleasant then
let me chat with him
nah he's a miserable
cunt that Simon Keller
right tell you what
happened the other day
right
I went up to him
the other day right and I went I went what the other day, right? I went, I went,
what the fuck have you done since four weddings in a row?
He was annoyed about that.
I can't believe it.
He's given it,
I've done about 20, 30,
I've not fucking seen any of them.
What a cunt.
I know, mate, you've been at home in a fucking cupboard, mate.
Just rocking back and forth in a cupboard. Fucking cunt.'ve been at home in a fucking cupboard, mate. Just rocking back and forth in a cupboard.
Fucking cunt.
He's at home in a cupboard.
And then I said to him, I think Mr Callow's long been out of the cupboard.
He didn't get it.
He didn't get it.
He told me that he didn't understand.
He was going, he's fucking useless, Callow.
Useless.
No point in you coming down here again.
Just put a beard on an usher.
Yeah, put a beard on an usher.
That'll do it.
It was amazing.
He was so disdainful in the whole thing.
I don't know whether it was a jealousy thing
or whether he resented Callow
or whatever,
I don't know what it was,
but he did properly...
I think he just didn't like.
He didn't like him,
did he, at all.
It was horrible,
a horrible thing to see.
Tell you what, right,
if you're not on Telluride,
you're not famous.
And then I've got so many questions about this.
Is fame the objective?
Is that what you're trying to get, is fame?
Well, you've got to be famous, haven't you?
You've got to be famous in this business, mate.
You've got to be famous.
He said, well, no, I don't think you have.
It's like, you can be credible and not be on television.
No, I can't be famous and not be on telly.
Right, Roy.
Yeah, and then he went, right, Roy Chubby Brown, right?
Never on telly, too blue, isn't he?
Yeah, everyone knows who he is.
Yeah, and then we stared at him and went,
do you even remember what
your argument
was?
He just said
the complete
opposite.
Poor Simon
Cano.
But I liked
him.
I thought he
was nice.
I said to
Simon Cano
hey we
went to see
you later
I thought
it was
brilliant.
He went
oh good.
And he said
it like he
was proper
relieved.
Yeah.
Oh good
I'm glad
you liked it.
Oh good
because I
tell you
we had
nothing but
bad reviews. So I'm glad somebody enjoyed it. So Paranormal Activity. Yeah. Oh, good. I'm glad you liked it. Oh, good. Because I tell you, we had nothing but bad reviews.
So I'm glad somebody enjoyed it.
So Paranormal Activity.
Yeah.
What happened?
Well, I enjoyed it very much, Lee.
I enjoyed it,
but I've only watched it on pirate on the internet.
Right.
The thing is,
all the, like,
arghs,
that was all cut out of it when I saw it.
Right, okay.
But I have to say, right,
it is better
if you are watching it
with three 60-year-old women
sat in front of you.
Why are you going with three 60-year-old women? No year old women sat in front of you. Why are you going
with three 60 year
old women?
No they were
sat in front of me.
Oh right.
I didn't go come
in here with me and
watch this.
Come on it's
this film.
You can't see that
when that's the
second part of
Twilight.
That's in the
first one.
Come on get in
here.
Please come in
with me if I get
scared I want a
Murray mint out
your hand.
They were
brilliant though.
They sat in the front row
just in front of me.
And there's quite a famous bit
it's in the trailer as well
when the duvet lifts up
on the bed.
That bit is way better
if one of the women goes
oh farted.
Was he doing it loud?
Yeah really loud.
I'd have stabbed him in the neck.
That's your excuse.
I'd have had to have
stabbed him in the neck.
You would do that to everyone.
Yeah, you love that, don't you?
Yeah, I don't love doing it.
I mean, about the six or seven times I've done it recently,
I've felt bad when I've got home.
Yeah.
You know, I've got my gloves off and that.
They were genuinely all right.
I think I quite liked it as well,
because I was getting a bit scared
and they were puncturing the tension quite well.
Why would you want that?
Because I was by myself.
You enjoyed being scared of it?
All right.
Well, at the end, the screen went black
and one woman went,
Oh, I think that was the end.
And a friend went,
Oh, fuck.
Which was really nice.
How old were they?
About 60.
Why were they doing that to them blinding like that?
Well, I don't know.
But they were sort of 60,
but they were like oh
hello.
Right.
Like all
Nancy's friends
from Oliver.
Yeah exactly
yeah well one
of them works
in the shop
round the
corner from
me.
Really?
Yeah.
Thinks of
fags.
Okay.
That's amazing.
She might be
30.
Genuinely might
be 30 and
just enjoys a
cigarette.
Yeah.
Tell you what
she might be.
What?
She might be a boy
zipped up in an old woman's suit.
So there's loads of possibilities,
but from what I can see,
I think she's 60.
Could we just make a pact
with the listener?
Right, we'll stop recording now.
You turn it off now.
No, I'm done.
it off now.
Now I'm done.
When we've done a podcast,
I listen to it an awful lot when I'm editing it.
And then when it's finished,
I proof listen to it.
And then I send it off
and then I'll probably
give it a couple of days
and listen to it once in the car
and then that's it.
It's gone.
I've heard that people
listen to podcasts
when they're going to sleep.
I know you do.
Yeah, I do, yeah. But the other day, I did fall asleep listening to last week's podcast. Yeah. It's gone. I've heard that people listen to podcasts when they're going to sleep. Yeah. I know you do. Yeah, I do, yeah.
But the other day, I did fall asleep listening to last week's podcast.
Right, okay.
I had it on on my speakers at the side of the bed and I fell asleep.
Yeah.
I woke myself up as Gary Glitter.
It was one of the strangest moments of my life.
What, right at the end when you come up?
When I was singing, when I started singing the lead there, that woke me up.
And I woke up and went I've just woke myself up
with a Gary Glitter impression
that's not what you want
to wake up to is it
I know but
I might start listening
to it more
and see what else
I can wake myself up with
like if you do this
and I just
lure myself into it
right
get up you sexy boy
there you go
I just woke myself up
with a compliment
I'd be in a good mood
that day
get out you fat wanker
oh ruined it
mate I was on the train
the other day right
right
the other night
it was quite late at night
because you could tell
because there was a drunk man
okay and I'd been
through the windows
rather than scenes
it was just blackness yeah Yeah, that's right.
Anyway, there was a man on the train. He was a bit
drunk. He was alright though. Are you speaking
third person or is it? No, there wasn't.
It was a different man. A different one, right. No, I was fine.
I wasn't drunk. So no one needs to be like a ghost story.
Yeah. I don't want you to tell it all and then go
and the man was me. Yeah, that would be awful
that, wouldn't it? I stabbed a woman in the neck.
Right, no, that's your story, is that?
It's not always women.
Anyway, this man was always women. Anyway,
this man was quite drunk.
I was talking to him
for a bit about diabetes.
Why were you talking to him?
Because I was having
a sandwich.
Oh yeah,
that's it,
sorry.
Stupid of me.
I was having a sandwich
and he went,
how many carbohydrates
are in that?
A brilliant conversation
to start with.
I mean,
the amount of times
I've been in an awkward
social situation
I thought
I need to just
break the ice with someone.
I don't speak to them
about calories
or carbohydrates
in their food.
As they're not eating food
I'll ask them
what was their last meal
before now.
How many carbohydrates
are in that?
I went I don't know
I'm just having a sandwich.
He went
oh his pancreas
will give in eating that.
I went I'm diabetic it doesn't work. And then hecreas will give in eating that. I went, I'm diabetic, it doesn't work.
And then he started asking me about diabetes and stuff.
Said he was type 1 diabetic, the doctor had told him,
but he refused to believe it.
So through willpower, he didn't have to do any insulin.
Can't do that, can you?
No, I think that's bollocks.
Type 2, you can do that though.
Yeah, I think you can control it.
Or you can try and do that.
Yeah, but I think a lot of what he was saying was bollocks,
bearing in mind his next sentence.
There was a little pause and he went,
do you remember that
Rick Waller
I do remember Rick Waller
yeah
and I remember him
I went yeah
the fat boy from
the X-Facts
was him
Pops idols
okay
he went
Rick Waller right
30, 35 stone he was right
I've done all the maths right
he must have had
a five stone head
he had a little pin in it
yeah exactly
I went
I don't think that's how
weight works
like
it doesn't all
distribute itself evenly
like he did have a little
tiny head
and a massive body
he went
no no no
I've done it
he had a five stone head
he's applied the basis
that you use for
when they say about
how burnt somebody is
if you're in like
a house fire or something
and they say oh we've got 85% burns how yeah, yeah. If you're in a house fire or something,
and they say, oh, we've got 85% burns,
how they work that out is they go,
is there arm burn?
Yes, right, that's 10%, or whatever it is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's how they do it.
So he's applied that to 35 stone.
He just multiplied it up and used the same equation.
So I thought, what happened?
I was going, no, it's not how it works, mate.
And then we were all quiet again for a bit.
And then he went
who has a
five stone head
but no one
no one really
does mate
I love that
I love the thing
just go quiet
for a bit
and then ignore
the premise
ignore that
you're wrong
he's going
is that all skull
has he grown skull
let's get a nose
and then there was
another little
little silence
because I didn't
really want to speak to him by this point.
He went, I mean, mine's only about a stone
and a half.
Where's he getting this from? Yeah. I went, what do you mean?
He went, I mean, I've weighed my head.
And he's...
His mate with him, he had a mate with him,
a Scouse mate, and he
looks like he wanted him to shut up as well. And I went,
how do you weigh your head? And he went, just put it on the
scales. And his mate went, how do you weigh your head? And he went, just put it on the scales.
And his mate went, how do you weigh your fucking head on the scales?
How do you see what it is?
You just, you put your head on the scales, don't you?
Get your eye round.
See what the fucking weight is.
He goes, I can do it, I can do it.
Always have the scales in a communal area so anyone can do it.
He's just talking shit by this point.
Leave the scales outside the bathroom.
You can lie in the bathroom
put your head
on the scales
like that.
And his mate went
someone will fucking
come out of the room
and kick you in the head
if you do that.
And straight away
the bloke went
yeah but that won't
affect the weight.
If only there was
a greater effort
and brought great
into first class.
Speaking of Rick Waller, is he still alive, Rick Waller?
I think so.
Yeah, OK, because they didn't give him long to live, did they?
No.
He was always going to be a big fat.
Yeah, I think he still is a big fat, though, I think. Oh, OK, he's done well then to stay alive. He's in a band or something. Is he? I think so, okay. Because they didn't give him long to live, did they? No. He was always going to be a big fat. Yeah, I think he still is a big fat though, I think.
Oh, okay.
He's done well then. He's in a band or something.
Is he?
I think so, yeah.
What band?
Gastric?
Sorry, shall we tell you what band he should be in, mate?
Gastric band.
Yeah, no, he's done that just now and I liked it.
Gastric band for a fat boy.
He can do it lots of different ways.
It's very rare that I will cling to something.
But I had a...
I've got a brilliant image, then.
I had an article that I found in a heat magazine
which I read at a doctor's surgery.
And I stole the magazine.
Because it made me laugh so much.
It was when he was very well known, Rick Waller.
The headline for it was, there's a big picture of him
in a suit. I mean, that must have cost
a few quid, that.
Must have cost a few quid, that. Must have cost a few quid, that.
And the headline,
I was interviewing
with him,
and the headline
said,
I got picked
on at school
because of my size.
I was thrown
down flights
of stairs.
And I just
remember looking
at him going,
who picked
him up?
Shouldn't be
told off for that,
you should get
a fucking medal
for that.
Free pass
to the Olympics,
world's strongest
man.
Fucking where
is this superman
kneel before
General Zod
I was looking at the website
for our management the other day
were you
yeah
and I downloaded my own biography.
And there was an interesting thing on it.
What?
My playing age.
Okay.
When you do acting and stuff like that, you have a playing age,
which is basically the age that you could be cast for.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For example, for you.
Yeah.
How old are you now?
23.
Right, so they probably go 19 to 29.
My one was 25 to 35.
Instead of mine.
Right?
I'm 36.
I mean, Avalon are essentially saying,
here's one of our clients,
he literally can't act his age.
I was really upset about it.
And also 25.
If I went for a casting now,
to play a 25-year-old,
can you imagine that?
Yeah, 25 stone.
Why would you do that?
Why would you do that?
25 to 35 stone.
Why would you say that?
You, you're a big fat knacker, you.
Are you coming here criticising me?
I'm not criticising you, it's just...
I've got a midlife spread, I'm allowed that.
You're 23, You just said it.
You fat fucking...
It's just a joke.
It's not a joke, though, is it?
It's not a joke.
25 stone.
Stop saying it.
It's all right.
I'm nowhere near 25 stone.
I know, but that's part of the joke.
If anyone is, you are.
No, I'm not.
What are you?
How many stones are you then?
It's not I.
I'm 13 and a half.
Bollocks.
I'm 30.
Yeah, both of them.
13 and a half each.
What are you?
Your head weighs five.
Mate, when you go to the cinema, right, you have a big popcorn thing and you put pies
in that.
You have pies in the popcorn and a straw.
You can't even eat it properly.
You mash it all up and you put a straw in the top of it
and people go,
go in screen three.
It's like, no, no, I don't want to watch that film.
No, it's not for the film.
Go and see the fat bloke.
Go and see fat Ed Gamble in there
eating his pie and popcorn.
Right, well, the other day...
Through a straw.
The other day, right?
Yeah.
I saw you, right, on the street, right?
You did.
Walking, which is weird
because you don't normally walk.
Usually you've got one of them rascals, right,
for big fat people.
Right, well, I saw...
No, listen, I saw you...
I saw you on the street the other day,
and you weren't walking.
You weren't walking.
Do you know why?
Because you had four dwarves rolling you along,
and that is how you get a bowel,
and people should know that.
Right, anyway, back to you on the street.
What you'd done, right, is you'd gone,
oh, I'm thirsty, I'll drink from this puddle,
and you're pouring all Nesquik powder in it
and mixing it up and drinking it with a straw.
Yeah, I was doing that.
I admit that.
Yeah.
But it was Diet Nesquik, so that's made you look stupid.
You were drinking full-fat Coke out of a tramp's arse.
You'd put it in a funnel and a tube into the tramp's bum, right,
because you were that hungry hungry and you went,
I need some Coca-Cola, but I want it with poo in it.
Right, I want it with tramp's poo in it.
And you poured all the Coca-Cola onto tramp's bum
and it was horrible to watch because you were so keen.
As he was squirting it out of his bum,
you went, proper lapping it open and loving it.
Well, I saw you at Charing Cross Station
eating an onion
like an apple
again that's
salad
so yeah
what's wrong
with that
and then you
crawled along
the street
and all your
fat was dragging
and picking up
bits of gravel
and weeds
and you were
just crawling
along the floor
like go
give me some food
towards McDonald's
right and they were like oh god he's coming again he's coming food, towards McDonald's, right? And they were like, oh, God, he's coming again.
He's coming again.
Get him 50 burgers like last time.
And you were like, no, I don't want that.
I want to eat the M.
And you ate the big M, right?
And you were crunching down on it.
And all electricity was going everywhere.
You were going, oh, I like it.
It tastes spicy.
But really, it was the electricity.
And you were dying.
You were all dying like that.
I saw this, remember? In the street, you were dying you were like all dying like that i saw
this remember in the street you're all dying and the puddle was going like that and you're all
dying and then it was a silent and everyone thought oh he's dead he's dead what's gonna
happen now what's gonna happen now and then you went and just birth you went get me another um
or a car to eat but put parmesan on it. See, I saw that.
I see you having a bag of chips outside the spa,
but a big one.
Sorry, I wasn't listening to you all.
What did you say?
The E-Cook and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble.
All music by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidebottom.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk.
Tickets to the Peacock and Gamble podcast live are available on 0207 520 1490 or kingspace.co.uk.
End of that one of the shows
now that
Yeah
End of it
Go home now
if you want
Finished now
Yeah
Thanks for staying
That's alright
At my house
Yeah
I'll tell you what
has been successful
as well in this
one of the shows
What?
Facebook page
Oh yeah
they love it
All them goody fans
Yeah they're brilliant
And I'll tell you
something else as well
which you don't know about
because you're not on Twitter. No.
Right, I'm on Twitter. Yeah. Ray Peacock.
Yeah. I think I've got more friends on Twitter
now, followers, they call them on Twitter. Yeah.
I think I've got more followers than anyone
else on Twitter. Really? 244.
Right. That's a lot, isn't it?
Yeah, I think some people have more, mate.
No, I've got 200, no, no,
listen, 244.
I've got 244., listen. 244.
I've got 244.
People just follow me around.
Right.
I think Stephen Fry might have like 300 or something. No, but listen, right?
He's not like 300.
He's ridiculous.
Don't be stupid.
I've got 244 followers
and I think what I might do in the new year
when I get a minute
is I'm considering suing some of them for stalking.
Set someone
to court. I'm going to be the first person
to get a restraining order out
on people following me
on Twitter.
I'll say, Your Honour,
I set up this Twitter account in good
faith and people
are just following me on it.
And it's really intruding on my life. I think you should try and do that, mate. I'm going to. I are just following me on it. And it's really
intruding on my life.
I think you should
try and do that,
mate.
I'm going to.
I'm not following
you on it.
Alright, I'm not
following you.
No, I'm just saying
I'm not stalking you.
Alright, I'm not
following you then.
Don't worry about it.
I'm not on Twitter.
You're so rude.
I knew this run of
shows would end with
a fallout.
Hey, come on, we're
mates really.
Wow.