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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Boom! It's the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Whoa.
Yeah. Explosion.
That was a good one, that was.
Like an action film.
That was brilliant. I'm Ray Peacock, hello.
Hello, I'm Ed Gamble, hello. Boom.
Boom. Is this what, is this a catchphrase, is it?
Yeah, a new catchphrase for us
for the new bit of them.
Oh, we'll start with a boom.
Yeah, exactly.
And then we can work our way up to a caboom.
You want to establish a catchphrase
and change it?
No, I want to build on the catchphrase.
Not enough people build on their catchphrases.
Well, I can't think of anyone
that's ever built on a catchphrase.
Yeah, like,
nice to see you to see you nice.
Brucey, the next time should have gone,
it's really nice to see you to really nice. It's really nice to see you to see you nice. To see, the next time, should have gone, it's really nice to see you, to really nice.
It's really nice to see you,
to see you nice.
To see you really nice.
Yeah.
And much later on,
his catchphrase is,
fuck, I'm glad you all came.
He changed his catchphrase
to fuck, I'm glad you all came.
So as he moves with the times.
Yeah, exactly.
As he heads into the 90s,
he goes, tell you what, right,
all this alternative comedy business
that's been going on throughout the 80s, I'm going to latch all this alternative comedy business it's been going on
throughout the 80s
I'm gonna latch onto that now
fuck it
it's nice to see you
good game
good game
good game you can
yeah
good game you can
it will take
yeah people are always
going
oh he's old and
divvy now
and all that
it's not
he's just down with the kids
yeah exactly
all that swearing that he's doing on the dancing one.
On Strictly Come Dancing.
Yeah, when he says,
what are the scores, you cunt?
Right?
He's just being down with the kids.
And when he comes on, he goes,
welcome to Strictly Come Dancing, naughty Brucey.
That'd make it a better competition, wouldn't it?
Yeah, definitely.
If they just covered the floor in it.
Because then they'd have to do the balancing and all that.
They'd have to stay upright.
It's like a mixture between Strictly Come Dancing,
Dancing on Ice,
and Total Wipeout.
That's just what it is like.
Yeah.
Because people get all mucky at it.
Yeah.
Bukkake Come Dancing.
Right, and I've invented that,
so no one else be nicking that idea.
Bukkake Come Dancing is my new one.
BBC One 530.
Boom.
Boom.
Welcome to the show.
So is this a new series or what?
I don't think so.
I think it is the same series.
It's a continuation.
Yeah, it is, yeah.
We have had a bit of a break, haven't we?
Yeah, it's been nice.
Yeah, Merry Christmas, everyone.
Merry Christmas, everyone, and a Happy New Year.
There's been some update stuff that we should say about.
First off, we're recording in a different way.
Yeah, a fancy way.
Yeah, but it might not be as good.
We don't know yet.
I'm trying to get my head around it.
It looks nicer, though, doesn't it?
Oh, it looks brilliant.
We're recording on a Mac now.
We're recording on a Mac.
This is my second Mac of the year.
Because I got one, right, and it lasted me four days.
Yeah.
And then just died. And I was annoyed enough. And is my second Mac of the year. Because I got one, right, and it lasted me four days. Yeah. And then just died.
And I was annoyed enough.
And I ran my mum to tell her.
And she went, I thought you researched Macs before you bought one.
I was like, oh, funnily enough, mum,
they didn't mention that they only last four days in their promotional material.
Oh, I bought the Mac 2.0.
It only lasts four days.
Yeah.
Liable to have a completely irreversible hard drive crash within a week. It says on the small print, has the life cycle of a fly.0. It only lasts four days. Yeah. Liable to have a completely irreversible hard drive crash within a week.
It says on the small print, has the life cycle of a fly.
Yeah.
Maybe two flies if you're lucky.
Yeah.
If you don't go on the internet.
So, yeah.
So, if it sounds quieter than normal, we apologise.
If it's louder than normal, we apologise.
If you don't like the sound, just go away.
We're just trying to move with the times, aren't we?
Like Brucey. Hey, speaking of boom
as a catchphrase, has anyone used boom
before? They have used multiple booms,
but I don't know if they've used the singular
boom. I know John the Ocker did boom, boom,
boom, boom. Yeah, boom, boom, boom,
I want you in my room. Who was that, Vengaboys
or not?
We spent the night together in my room.
Yeah, that's one as well.
Boom, boom, Basil Brush. Yeah, boom, boom, yeah, he done the double together, together in my room. Yeah, that's one as well. Yeah. Boom, boom, Basil Brush.
Yeah, boom, boom.
Yeah, he done the double boom, the old double boomer.
Boom, boom, boom.
Let me hear you say way-o.
Way-o.
Can't not do that.
I know.
Challenge anyone to not say way-o after that.
It's like what the Chuckle Brothers do when they go, hello.
Yeah, and everyone has to go, hello.
Yeah, you've got to do it.
You can't not.
But increasingly less people do that.
It's a shame, isn't it?
Of course, one of them's been convicted of murder now.
I'm sure I read that somewhere.
You're right, yeah.
It might have been a dream.
So, yeah, that's one of the differences.
Also, if you listen to the first half of this series.
Yeah, earlier on.
You know we were writing letters to get free stuff about a little boy who was dying.
Yeah.
He has reached his potential.
Yeah.
Do you know what?
That little lad, he came through in the end and he has died.
He was seven years old and all the promises he made, he ended up coming good on.
And he'd done a dying.
Yeah.
Depending on who you are, he died at the live show or he died on Christmas Day.
Check your updates and you'll see how.
But yeah, very, very sad. But that's the end of him now so yeah so goodbye fraser he is sitting on god's
right hand only fraser would get interfered with by god that isn't that just fraser's look yeah
that is such bad luck isn't it get all interfered with by god the supreme being right who's supposed
to embody and epitomise goodness.
Fraser gets up to heaven and God's giving it,
Hey, Fraser, can the ruler sit on my hand?
Right, and Fraser's going,
Oh, that's all right, I can do that.
And he sits on his hand.
God's only put a finger up Fraser's bum.
And Fraser didn't say nothing, I imagine.
No, and imagine he yelped when it first went in.
Yeah, and everyone went, What?
And God went, Nothing.
If there's anyone you can't accuse of fingering you, it's God.
Yeah, no, you just can't do it.
You have to pretend it's all right.
And I'll be honest, right, Fraser was supposed to go to hell.
Yeah.
Right?
But he got up to, he went up to heaven anyway, because he took a wrong turn and bloody knob,
and got to the front gate, right?
Yeah.
Peter was there, right?
Saint Peter.
Right?
And he went, you're not supposed to be in here.
And Fraser went, oh, please let me in.
And Peter had a fiddle
down the front of his dungarees.
Fraser has gone to heaven.
And heaven was all
a nice place and that.
And because Fraser's gone there,
all right,
I admit,
he is a very attractive young boy.
But because Fraser's gone to heaven,
he's made it.
He's turned it into pedo heaven.
So well done, Fraser,
you dick
I can't believe
he's brought up
Christianity now
brilliant
well done Fraser
you've broken
God
what an idiot
you are Fraser
tell you what I tell you what my best bit is about being your BFF.
Are we BFFs?
Yeah, we are BFFs.
I've been reading about that on Facebook.
Right?
We are BFFs now.
I've got to be honest with you, I'm not entirely sure what it means.
Right.
But I've just made my own mind up about it.
Okay, what do you think it means?
Bloody finger friends. Oh, God. Right? Yeah, well, God is own mind up about it. Okay, what do you think it means? Bloody finger friends. Oh God!
Right?
Yeah, well God is one of them with Fraser.
Right?
Because what it is, right, it means that you sometimes in the day would take a bit of time out to see how many digits you can put up each other.
That means you have BFFs.
Right.
I know what it means really.
I know.
I know, but I want it to mean that.
You want it to mean what?
What does it mean really?
Best friends forever.
I'm not doing that.
You can't say you're best friends forever with anyone.
I've had best friends in my life but I wouldn't say I'm best friends with them now.
But you would prefer bloody finger friends then?
I don't know really.
I mean if it was BFFF, bloody finger friends forever, I don't think I'd want it forever.
I think it's something that we just go through now in our youth.
What is better, Best Friends Forever or Bloody Finger Friends Forever?
Empire Strikes Back.
Sorry, what were you asking?
I thought you asked me what my best Star Wars film was.
Sometimes I just don't listen to you.
I'll tell you what always has worried me.
What?
Ironically.
Right.
Hakuna Matata.
I'm worried, even though it's supposed to mean no worries,
I'm worried that it doesn't mean no worries.
Right, what do you think it means?
I'm worried that it is an in-joke from Disney.
Right.
Could mean anything.
Yeah.
Could mean Big Fat Fanny.
What I never put in as a joke for the adults.
The children are going, it means no worries.
They go, stupid children.
It means big fat fanny.
Yeah.
It could mean something racist.
Yeah.
We've literally no idea.
No.
Could be homophobic.
Yeah.
Could be.
I mean, who knows what they're like at Disney on the quiet.
I'm thinking about that time they showed Jessica Rabbit's fanny hanging out
in a frame from Roger Rabbit
did they?
yeah
whoa
there was a frame in Roger Rabbit
where they get thrown from a car
yeah
and her legs fly open
and you see her fanny
and then when it was brought out
on video and stuff
they had to take it out
because people could just
pause it and wind it up
yeah
apparently that was a real thing
yeah
and in The Little Mermaid right
yeah
they put in a frame right
yeah
where Ursula right yeah bends over right Yeah. They put in a frame, right? Yeah. Where Ursula, right?
Yeah. Bends over, right? And does
a poo in Sebastian's mouth. Right.
I mean, don't tell lies about it.
No, I've seen that, but you won't
see it because they've taken it out on the video.
Yeah, but now you're... I'm
giving some pop culture facts and things
that are interesting to people, and you're ruining it
by making stuff up.
You can't do that.
You can't go,
oh, have you ever seen
that bit in Snow White
and the Seven Dwarfs
when there's a DVD-A?
But it's just a split frame
in the woods.
Right, I'm not joking, right?
Mighty Ducks 2, right?
You're going to tell lies.
Emilio Estevez, right?
In the background
of one of the scenes he's figuring a Japanese schoolgirl out. You're lying. You're going to tell lies. Emilio Estevez, right? In the background of one of the scenes
he's figuring a Japanese schoolgirl.
You're lying.
You're lying again.
That's just simply not true.
Right.
There are some urban myths
about things like that.
There's the one about
The Wizard of Oz.
Do you know that one?
No.
About the...
I was going to say
Oompa Loompa
and it's not.
It's Munchkin, isn't it?
Right.
The Munchkin that hung themselves
on a set.
I have heard that one.
I've seen the supposed video of it.
Yeah.
And it's just a bird. Yeah. It's like a one. I've seen the supposed video of it. Yeah, and it's just a bird.
Yeah.
It's like a beast.
I think it's actually a peacock.
It's a peacock in the background,
but because it wasn't crystal clear screen for a while,
it looked like a midget hanging himself.
I've often found with peacocks,
if you look at them just out the corner of your eye,
they look like a midget hanging themselves.
Totally.
The amount of times I've gone,
no, don't do it, you've got everything to...
Oh, it's a peacock.
Yeah, exactly.
I was gutted when I found out
that was urban legend.
I really wanted that to be true.
Why?
I just liked the idea of it.
You want midgets to die.
No, I like the idea
of it being in a film.
Right, okay.
Because the rumour was
that they'd,
with your broken heart
on set or something,
they'd split up with somebody
and so they hung themselves
on the set
whilst the scene
was taking place.
And I liked the idea of that as a frightening thing
to be in the film
and of course
I wouldn't wish it
on anyone
least of all
a little person
I wouldn't wish it
on a little person
they're all alright
by me
I met about five of them
I think
what?
I shook hands with one once
and I wasn't sure
if I did it right
no because they've got
little hands haven't they
some of them have I mean I imagine all of them have got little hands, haven't they? Some of them have.
Yeah, well, I mean, I imagine all of them have got little hands.
It would be weird if they were midgets
and they just had normal human hands.
Yeah, but what are the ones that have got...
That's a weird thing to say, isn't it?
It is quite offensive as well.
I'm going to say it again because I like the point.
No, don't say it again because I should tell you now, listener.
What we do, right, because we were going,
oh, let's start afresh.
Now, remember when we started the series originally, let's start afresh. Yeah.
Now, remember when we started the series originally,
we went straight in with disabled rape.
Right?
Very early on.
And we felt that that meant
a lot of people wouldn't carry on listening to it.
Yeah.
And the iTunes charts
backed that up.
Yeah.
Right?
So now we've gone, right,
we've took a break,
probably new listeners,
let's just go in easy
and build up to being naughty.
I mean, so far.
We've not really done that, have we? We've not done
that. On the subject of that, tell us about your
grandad. I like the story.
Alright then. Over Christmas.
Not my grandad, my grandpa. What's that?
What's the difference? Well, my grandad is the other one.
Oh, I see, right. So he is, the other one's
grandad and that one's grandpa.
I had two grandads and I had a nana and a grandma.
How did you tell between the two grandads they look different oh i see mine are the same
they look different and lived in different houses see mine are clones of each other and they live
in the same shed yeah my grandparents live in separate houses where of course you are like
charlie bucket from from charlie and the chocolate factory you just you and your mom and both sets
of grandparents all live in the same room.
Right, if I was Charlie Bucket, right, one day, right, I'd probably just turn around and go,
Grandpa, get the fuck out of bed.
It's the daytime.
And I'd come home from school one day, right, after being there all day with no dinner or anything.
And I'd be in a mood.
I'd go in there and I'd see all them.
And I'd go, do you know what?
You lot make me sick.
All of you are just laying in bed all the time.
I'm not right.
I've not been saying this to be honest.
It stinks in here.
And by the way, it's bouquet.
Right, anyway.
My grandpa and grandma came over for Christmas.
They got there about two days before I arrived.
My grandpa...
Oh, bless them.
Are they going a bit... Are they going a bit soft in here? Yeah, they turned up and went, Merry Christmas. And we went, right, Merry Christmas. It's not Christmas. They got there about two days before. My grandpa... Oh, bless them. Are they going a bit...
Are they going a bit soft in there?
Yeah, they turned up
and went,
Merry Christmas.
And we went,
Merry Christmas.
It's not Christmas yet.
My grandpa is on
medication for something.
One of the side effects
is that his blood
doesn't clot properly.
Okay.
So he started to have
a nosebleed, right?
What brought that on?
Cocaine, probably.
All right.
And obviously,
he had the nosebleed and he couldn't stop having the nosebleed. Yeah? What brought that on? Cocaine, probably. All right. And obviously he had the nosebleed
and he couldn't stop having the nosebleed.
Yeah.
So my grandma and mum...
Funny for a bit.
Yeah, funny for a bit
and then like, oh, I'd feel weak.
Yeah.
Right.
So my grandma and mum were like,
oh, we'll take him to the hospital
and I was like,
I'll stay here and guard the kitchen.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That is your job at Christmas.
Right, because my grandma had bought a big ham
and I didn't want a fox to eat it
because we had to leave it outside
because there was no room in the fridge.
I like that in the space of a few minutes
we've gone from you being this little scruffy house
to now being country kitchen.
Right, so they went off to A&E, right?
A couple of hours later I get a phone call off my mum going,
yeah, we're in A&E, something's happened.
I went, oh no, what's the matter?
I got a bit worried.
She went, they put tampons up your grandpa's nose.
So they'd shoved some tampons up there, right?
Who was?
Just some kids.
Because that would be my first thought.
Yeah.
Who do you mean when you say they?
Do you mean the doctors, or do you mean some oddies have come in?
No, it was the doctors, apparently.
I put tampons up his nose.
So I proceeded to piss myself laughing.
Yeah, you did.
And she went, don't laugh too loud, everyone can hear you in A&E.
Which made you laugh more.
Which made me laugh more, and shout, Grandpa's nose has got a period.
And also, very loudly, which I was quite proud of, just before I put the phone down,
hey, at least we know Grandpa's nose isn't pregnant.
My mum reminded me of something quite recently.
What?
That I completely forgot about.
When I was little, my dad used to work in, We used to deliver for a factory that made pies and sausages.
Yates, Greer and Lee it was.
Oh, I wondered why.
Yeah, what?
I wondered why you... Oh, you had free sausages?
Yeah.
Yeah.
We had free sausages every week.
Yeah, I bet you're like a little stowaway in the back of the van every week, weren't you?
Constant.
Constant.
And pies.
And those pies, they were 1,000 calories each.
You're joking.
Pork pies that they made. Wow. 1,000 calories each. I don't know if they still are, but they were when I was younger. Yeah were 1,000 calories each. You're joking. Pork pies that they made, 1,000 calories each.
I don't know if they still are, but they were when I was younger.
1,000 calories.
I'd often have three in a day.
Quite often.
And also, I'd kid myself that I wasn't having so many
by cutting it into quarters and just eating it out of the fridge.
But anyway, when I was very, very young,
like about five or six at school,
I'd have to write about what your parents did for a living.
Okay.
And apparently, at one parent's evening, there was huge hilarity amongst my parents and my teachers.
Right.
Because I'd written a thing where I'd said, my dad works in Lee and makes sausages and pisses in a machine.
Tell you what, I hope this is recording.
Yeah, same.
Because we're going on this new Apple thing.
Gold dust this we're doing today. I know, we're doing gold dust.
I hope it is.
Yeah.
Because I tell you what,
I've long wanted to come away from Microsoft.
They just break your heart every now and again.
Okay.
They do, don't they?
You know what I mean?
They just go, just one day it goes,
I got viruses in everything.
Goodbye. So I've come over to Apple. Because my iPodod i genuinely consider to be the best thing i've ever bought yeah in my life i think i think ipods are just absolutely incredible
yeah i agree and people say to me i'll get a mac get a mac and now i've got one and then i had that
little hiccup at the beginning where it broke and that and i started losing faith in them a little
bit yeah one hiccup you did and it broke yeah i hiccuped all over the computer and it broke. And now I've watched
the video the other
day, they've unveiled
their new thing.
The iPad.
iPad.
Now, we watched the
video, I think it was
about, was it 40
minutes long or something?
It was long.
Presentation bit.
All very nice.
You know, nice big
screen and that, like
we had at the live
show.
Yeah.
I think it's very
similar to how we did
it at the live show.
Yeah.
He had a sofa, like
we had, and he had a
big screen at the back. Yeah. Obviously nicked that as an idea. Exactly. But we're not going to sue you because it live show. Yeah. He had a sofa that we had and he had a big screen at the back.
Yeah.
Obviously nicked that
as an idea.
Exactly.
But we're not going to sue you
because it's fine.
Yeah, I think,
in fact it's not on the video
but I think he opened
with a Joseph Megamix.
I think he opened
with a Joseph Megamix as well.
But the thing is,
we watched that
and at the end of it
we didn't really,
we weren't,
we didn't know what it was.
No, we weren't any clearer
on what the hell
an iPad is.
Yeah, at no point
did he explain what it was.
He just went, get the internet on it.
Yeah, he went, oh, look at it, isn't that nice?
I'll just do an email.
And then started doing his emails in front of everyone.
Yeah.
And the people were going...
Sorry about this.
But then I went to bed after we'd watched that.
You went to bed on the sofa.
You went on the sofa, I went in the other room with a woman.
I've worked out a number of things
it could be
that it could be
very useful for
I was thinking
I won't buy one
I've no interest in that
I've no interest
in having a massive phone
and you probably
can't even phone on it
unless someone
has to play a dwarf
in a pantomime
and they're not
a real dwarf and they have a bit where they're on an iphone yeah when they're on an iphone i'll just
i'll just get my iphone and then they bring an ipad out from all the kids somebody told me they
took their child to a pantomime at christmas it was in a hole and the churchill dog was in the
pantomime right in the middle of it because churchill was sponsoring the pantomime, right, in the middle of it, because Churchill was sponsoring the pantomime, right, and that person's child has got obsessed with a Churchill dog since, they've had to buy
them a replica Churchill dog, and this week, they said to this person, they said, they're
trying to persuade them to change their car insurance to Churchill.
It works then.
The child is trying to persuade, how sinister is that?
Yeah, that's really weird, that's proper brainwashing.
That is, I find that really frightening.
Yeah.
Here's some things that the iPad can be used for,
that I worked out.
Right, okay.
Admittedly, as I was falling asleep.
Right.
Right.
Take a picture of your face.
Yeah.
Put it on the screen,
then hold that up in front of your face.
And don't do any movements with your face,
and it'll feel like a mirror.
So that's the eye mirror.
Right, that's good. Yeah. The eye the eye mirror yeah can you think of anything i mean that's really as far as i got
plate i play yeah i play you just put your dinner on it i place mat i place mats good as well right
so you put it on you put your plate but then you'll need two because you need one for the
place mat and then another one on top of that and then put the dinner on that one for the eye plate
no i think we should abandon the eye plate idea.
Oh, fuck off.
No, seriously, just have it as the eye placemat.
How about this?
You can have the internet as a placemat.
Any background you want for the placemat.
But on the internet.
Yeah.
All right, how about this?
Maybe you are a boy and you're thinking,
oh, I wish I was a woman.
Right.
But it's not a thing that you want a sex change.
Yeah, you just want to find out
for like for a day
yeah just dirty
yeah
just gonna
oh I might put some tights on
and put a banana up my bum
and pretend I am a woman
for a bit right
and that's fine
if that's what you're going to do
yeah that's fine
if you like bananas
but perhaps you're going
oh I want to know
what it is
like to be a woman right
yeah
on your iPad
yeah
go on the internet
try and find a picture
of a fanny on the internet
right
right if you do put that on the screen of your ipad yeah put it on the floor yeah in the bathroom
okay take your clothes off stand over it put your foot on the toilet
right and stand over your ipad and remember what i said about it being a mirror yeah
pretend it is a mirror yeah look down Presto, you've got a fanny.
Eye fanny mirror.
So that is something else that you can use the iPad for.
I don't know why that Bill Gates bloke wasn't saying this.
No, I know, I know.
He never mentioned pretending he had a fanny on the bathroom floor.
What is his name?
Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs.
Hey, Jobsy, come on.
Have a bit of a think before you do a presentation in future.
Right, I've got a good news for it. What? You've got one and your friend has got one. You get a ball, Jobsy, come on. Have a bit of a think before you do a presentation in future. Right, I've got a good news
for it. What? You've got one and your friend
has got one. You get a ball, right? You play tennis.
I tennis bat. Yeah.
But, I tell you,
and you go, oh, they've already invented tennis bats. Yeah.
What? You can get the internet on. I don't think so.
If you are Andy Murray playing in, like,
semi-final of Wimbledon. I am sometimes.
Yeah, exactly.
Playing in the semi-final of Wimbledon, right?
You're playing with
your i-bat, right?
You're hitting the ball
and you're like,
oh, this doesn't,
it's not as useful
as the old tennis bat.
But then you think,
hang on, I've got the internet.
I'll check who's got
through the other semi-final
and who I'm going to be playing.
I'll do a lob and check it.
That's probably what he does,
isn't it?
Yeah, I think so, yeah.
So there's another thing
that it could be.
Yeah.
I skimming stone.
We all enjoy going to Cumbria and skimming some stones on the lakes.
See how many bounces you can get.
Exactly.
It's a thing that we all enjoy doing.
But how many times have you been up to Ullswater or Windermere
and been chucking your stones in and gone,
tell you what, I'm enjoying this, but I am worried that I've not checked my bank statement.
You pick up a pebble off the floor and go,
right, let's see how much I've got in.
And the stone, it literally just stares back at you.
Well, not anymore.
Because with the iStone,
we've got the internet on it.
I mean, basically, I think what we're getting at is
they've invented something that nobody needs.
I mean, literally.
Yeah.
There was one doc for it, wasn't there?
It was like a physical keyboard.
So they had just, you had made a computer.
Yeah, well, they've essentially gone,
right, don't tell no one, but we've brought out a monitor.
Which seems to be what it is.
Yeah.
I mean, I admire, I admire the audacity of be what it is. Yeah. I mean, I admire,
I admire the audacity
of what they're doing.
Yeah.
Of literally having
a big presentation
for nothing.
Yeah.
I mean,
someone's invented
that in an afternoon.
I thought halfway
through the presentation
because there were
a few pauses
that he was just
going to go,
oh,
it's rubbish,
isn't it?
I mean,
look at that.
We're taking the piss with this.
I don't know how many times I can tell you
you can get the internet on it.
Now, Edward Gamble,
you're a big boy now.
I've heard about you.
What?
Driving around in a car.
Yep, done a driving of a car.
Somebody has found a car big enough for getting.
Yep.
And has started learning it. Yep. Who's that? I know how to drive a car. I've passed my car big enough for getting. Yeah. And has started learning it.
Yeah.
Who's that?
I know how to drive a car.
I've passed my test and everything.
You're good at it as well.
Yeah, I know.
I passed it first time.
Yeah.
Don't take that as any pressure.
I will not pass it first time.
Why?
I just won't.
Well, that's a stupid attitude to have.
I just get nervous about these things.
I'll just be a bit dozy.
Are you not that sort of person?
No, I'm not the sort of person who will pass it first time and be like oh i'm wicked at that i will go oh fuck you can have nerves of steel and
confidence in your own abilities yeah i think the thing with the driving test is to really take it
when you are ready to take it yeah i won't be taking it early ever no yeah what have you done
so far in your lessons how many lessons you've had two one two hour one and one one hour one so
you've had three hours on the road now yeah okay well that's probably enough to pass yeah all right
then i'll pass you i'll give you a certificate in a minute.
Oh, cheers mate.
So what have you done?
What ones have you done in it?
Done driving around the block loads.
Okay, that's good.
Yeah.
Although it only teaches you to turn the wheel one way.
No, because it's not just round one.
Is it a winding block?
Yeah, yeah.
A maze.
Different ways that I turn in that.
Left and right mainly.
I didn't.
Do forwards and all.
Yeah, straight on and backwards once. But that was by accident. How old are you? mainly. I didn't. Just do forwards and all. Yeah, straight on
and backwards once.
But that was by accident.
How old are you?
23.
Is this the first time in a car?
First time driving a car.
Yeah, I know.
I've been in, like, sitting in it.
I know you've been in mine.
You broke it a few times.
Yeah, exactly.
Go on.
Yeah, and done a couple
of three-point turns.
Okay, cool.
Yeah.
Well, I think he helped out a bit
because he said it's just
for learning clutch control.
Oh, it's dual controls? It's dual controls, yeah. I never understood that. Why? I never understood it. Well, I think it helped out a bit, because he said it's just for learning clutch control. Oh, it's dual controls?
It's dual controls, yeah.
Never understood that.
Why?
Never understood it.
Well, I think it was just like, do his pedals do the same as mine?
How can you possibly learn?
What do you mean?
If he's just working them.
Yeah, well, no, he helps out occasionally.
How is that learning?
That is no different to being in a ghost train.
You're essentially, you're in control of nothing.
Right.
I bet he reaches over and does the wheel and does the pedals as well.
You may as well
not be there
I mean I think
if he didn't have
the dual controls
we'd both be dead
why?
because I would have
crashed it somehow
you wouldn't
you'd have stalled it
that's it
no
that's the worst
thing that could have happened
you'd have done
kangaroo hops
that would have been it
right the other day
right
at the driving lesson
there was a car
coming down the road
he went right
just slow down then
just squeeze on the foot
brake right
nope
accelerator okay so okay well then no but I still think coming down the road he went right just slow down then just squeeze on the foot brake right nope accelerator
okay
so
okay
well then
no but I still think
you're not learning
I think the best way
do you know what
that would have been
a good baptism of fire
literally
yeah
these youngsters learning
let them crash
he said he had one
one person he was teaching
who turned left
down some tram lines
wow
yeah
okay
he's a good teacher, isn't he?
Things like that, big disaster things, like a crash or whatever.
Yeah.
Good way of learning that.
Okay, do you think it is?
Yeah, learning point left.
Christopher Reeve.
Hey, no, you're laughing.
He never went on an horse again.
He learned from that, didn't he?
He learned from it.
I suppose he did, yeah.
I mean, what's happening?
I mean, I'm surprised he never even hooked up
to the back of a horse
and played Ben-Hur.
Oh, dear God.
I would have watched that.
Yeah, same.
I mean, you must have
had a sense of humour
about it on and off.
Man of steel.
Yeah, you can have
too much steel, can't you?
Right?
I apologise.
I'm sorry.
I'm being deliberately naughty i apologize
but i think i don't think you're learning in your driving lessons that's right i'm not saying
you're driving but i just think it dual controls so it's like i mean right you know when sometimes
when we get in bed together right this is this is a good example actually yeah sometimes where
when me and you lie in bed together right we're naked and that i lay on my back you lie across me yeah with like your leg over my leg right do you remember that
and you're like yeah and you're like you put your hand on my chest and we lie like that for a bit
right and then you start going oh down down down put your hand down down to my penis right and you
start messing about with my penis so you get it hard i don't remember a lot of this yeah you
probably remember this and then and then you start masturbating me right and you do it for a bit and then i you know i put my hand
over your hand and and make you do it properly yeah it's like that i suppose it is you never
learn from that even when i'm doing it i think well all right i do want to just get this yeah
finished right but ed's not learning if If I am just getting hold of his hand
and wanking his hand on me,
then what's the point of Ed's hand even being there?
I wish I had some pedals at home
that could control you having a wank.
Do you know what?
For at least one day, I wish you did as well.
Yeah, go, right, he's in the shops now.
Yeah.
Accelerator.
Be good at skates, wouldn't I?
Yeah.
I'm not masturbating in public.
Ed has got
pedals at home.
Peacock and Gamble
podcast was devised
and performed
by Ray Peacock
and Ed Gamble.
All music
by the Tiger Lilies
except for the last one
which is performed
by Frank Seidhausen.
The Peacock and Gamble
podcast is a
ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk.
See you next week.
Tell you what, we've given God a bit of an idea,
haven't we, in this week's episode?
God will be feeling this tomorrow, won't he?
He'll be stinging from this.
We're like Richard Dawkins or something.
That's what we are like.
Yeah,
but Dawkins spends years
writing books,
doesn't he?
Yeah.
It's like,
oh,
I'll write a book,
I'll write a book,
right?
He didn't know,
all you have to do
is sit on a sofa
and call God a pedo.
Yeah,
that's what you've got to do,
Richard Dawkins.
What are you doing with all,
what are you wasting all that ink for?
Just sit on the sofa
and just make stuff up.
See,
he'd probably go like,
oh,
well,
God does not exist,
so I cannot call him a pedo.
It's like,
well,
just call him a pedo. I'm going, well, just call him a pedo.
I'm going to be a pedo if he does not exist.
That's how he talks, isn't it?
Yeah.
And Robin Ince would be giving it.
He'd be going,
oh, I am Robin Ince.
I am doing a big concert at Amersmith Apollo.
Oh, are you?
Yeah, I am.
I'm going to be on it with all my friends.
Oh, I thought I was your friend.
Yeah, not good enough, though.
You're not good enough friend of mine.
I know we've done a few gigs together, boy,
and I left my umbrella at your house once.
He did.
He stopped at my house once and left an umbrella behind.
And then he went, and he'd been gone about 30 seconds,
and he sent me a text saying, you have won an umbrella.
That's nice.
30 seconds, you could have come back for that.
But he's going, going oh do a big concert
I'm a Smith Polo
get a
Shappi Kassandi on it
and all me mates
and that
do all a bit of science
what a waste of money
that is
yeah
setting all that up
you could have just
stayed in this flat
and gone
oh God's a pedo
yeah
Robin
you could have just
come over here
and been on this with us
yeah but don't bring
your umbrella.
He won't like it.
No.
Oh, God, it's a pino. That's not... Oh, there's not much research gone into that.
Oh, that doesn't show off how many books you've read.
I like Robin.
Yeah, same.
But we know you're clever now, Robin. Do a joke.