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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble Podcast.
Well, howdy there.
Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble Saloon.
Come indoors and go through them doors at the front,
but make sure they don't swing back and hit you,
otherwise you look like a rat chump in front of all the other cowboys.
Right, I'm not doing this podcast.
Put your hat on the bar and have a sarsaparilla.
If you're being a cowboy, I'm not doing the podcast.
Oh, look, there's a man tinkling on the old piano.
Yeah.
Go upstairs and maybe have a whore.
A whore?
Yep.
Oh, go play poker on the downstairs floor?
But it might kick off, and if it does,
push the table up and hide behind it,
and don't be a drunk, or we'll put you in jail,
or dunk you in horse trash, or sober you up.
Right.
Are you going to do all of Bats the Future 3?
Yep.
Oh, don't...
If you crash into some manure, if you are the bully one,
then that's bad, because you don't like it.
And I remember that from the first two.
To get on the train at the end
and get up to 88 miles per hour.
Well, that was Ed Gamble there with a...
Sheriff Ed Gamble.
Yep.
A lovely look back at the Bats of the Future films.
I'm Ray Peacock.
I'll be the voice of reason for the next half an hour.
And I'll be the voice of America.
You're not being a cowboy all the way through it.
Alright then.
I'll mosey off on
down to the prison
and I'll get Ed Gable, the
real one from the future, to come
in and do the show.
Right.
You've got to see Spurs on the floor.
Ed, we need you in the saloon to record.
For fuck's sake.
Okay, coming, Sheriff.
Sheriff Ed, my great-great-great-grandfather.
All right, bye.
See you later.
Oh, hey, Ray.
What was that bloke on about?
Welcome to the show.
I'm glad you're so chatty today. I'm glad that you're leading it and being a cowboy.
Yeah.
Yeah, because I'm not in the mood.
What, you're not in the mood for being a cowboy?
No, I'm not in the mood for doing a podcast. I'm low-key. I've had a week of leisure.
Really?
Yeah, I reckon I've had more or less a week of leisure.
What have you gotten up to?
Just playing on games on my PlayStation. Dante's Inferno.
I've been fighting all in hell.
I've watched you play that one.
That's brilliant, isn't it?
I know, it looks brilliant.
It's made me want to get a PS3.
There is a woman in it
who comes out
and she has got her bosoms
out everywhere.
And at one point,
her buster ends,
they open up
and babies crawl out of it
and they've got metal arms.
That is all I want from a game.
And a woman.
Yeah, and a woman if that's alright.
And you can see proper nice busters in it as well.
Yeah.
And busters and blood, and that is the best thing about a game.
Busters and blood.
I reckon so, yeah.
We're at The Walking Dead.
Yeah, I know that one.
Yeah, I read Volume 1.
I got you Volume 1.
Don't say it like I don't know about it.
And I got you volume two for it.
Yeah, and I've got volume three and four all by myself.
And I now can't get volume two.
Oh, right.
On Amazon, I can either get it from America,
which might have a different spine,
and we know that spines are important to me
because I display them.
Yeah.
Or I can pay 50 quid for it over here.
It's all gone to shit.
The last two presents I've bought you
have been the first ones in a run of something
where you can't get the second one.
Oh, yeah, you bought me that Samuel Beckett one, didn't you?
Yeah.
And I can't get the second one.
No.
It's like I'm trying to annoy you with it.
Your presents get on my nerves.
Right, well, you're not getting any more then.
Right.
Well, I dare you.
All right.
I dare you to not get me any more presents.
Okay.
I'm going to see what happens then.
Right, all right.
Right?
All right.
Do you know what will happen if you don't do that?
What?
I will get a bottle, right?
Like, just a Coke bottle
from a pub,
a metal glass one.
Right?
You know, metal on the top
and then glass underneath it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Metal lid and glass.
I'll take the metal off the top, right?
I'll drink the Coke
to get all energy
in front of you
and you'll be going,
oh, I'll be shaking a bit
and I'll say,
well, you can't because you're diabetic.
Right?
And you'd be all jealous.
Yeah.
And then I will smash the glass and I will stick it in your eye,
the jaggy end.
Right.
Right?
Straight in your eye.
Right.
Okay?
And then I will spit on your leg.
And you'll be like, what are you doing?
Please stop it.
And I'll say, no, you brought this on yourself.
And then I'll go, actually, I'm sorry.
And you go, are you?
Are you sorry? I'll say, yeah, I'm sorry. Just come here now and give us a cuddle. And you go, no, I brought this on yourself. And then I'll go, actually, I'm sorry. And you go, are you? Are you sorry?
I'll say, yeah, I'm sorry.
Just come here now and give us a cuddle.
And you go, no, I don't want to come near you.
I'll say, come on, let's be friends again.
We're mates in real life.
And then we will have a cuddle, right?
And you'll put your head against me and you'll be like,
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to not get you a present.
And I'll say, it's all right, Ed, I don't mind.
And then we will lie on a bed.
And I will sing you a lullaby and stroke your hair, right?
Right.
And you will start
nodding off to sleep a bit.
Yeah.
And I'll be going,
if you like it
then you put a butter in your...
Right, sing a lullaby like that.
Yeah, yeah.
Then you will fall asleep
not knowing I have lulled you
into a false sense of security.
Right?
Because when you're asleep, right,
I'm going to cut all your air off.
Right? And I'm going to cut all your air off.
Right, and I'm going to glue it to my own face.
Right, then I'm going to wake you up and you're going to go, what the hell?
And I'm going to go, rah, rah.
And you're going, oh, what is happening? What is happening?
Right, and I'm going, rah.
And you go, oh my God, it is a Yeti. And I go, yeah, I am a Yeti.
And do you remember, i met you at that
club last night a bloke came and glanced you in the eye and then i looked after you and then you
came back here we went to bed and we did it and you're and you're going oh my god i have a i can't
believe it and you're having a mental breakdown because you're going you're just in your head
going i have a sense of the abominable snowman. I can't believe it. I'm never drinking again.
Right?
So it's in your best interest just to buy me a fucking present.
We've not announced our fan of the week yet.
No, we've not, no.
Our podcast fan of the week.
For last week, it was Graham Scott.
Well done, Graham Scott.
It's champagne.
Graham Scott was the first Graham
to make fun. Yeah, the first time
Graham, yeah. Graham came on our Facebook page
and said, hey, I'm Graham.
So Graham is the fan of
the week for last week.
You might remember we asked for a Graham or
a Julie. Yeah, and thank you, Graham.
So far, we've not had a Julie.
No, Graham's a single king.
Yeah, Graham is just a single king, and the Queen has died.
And that's sad news.
So, Julie is cancelled now.
Julie's cancelled.
Yeah, we need new names for the podcast fans of next week.
Yeah.
I'm going to go with Sally.
Yeah.
And Clinton.
So, if you're a Sally or a Clinton,
and you're fans of the podcast,
then that is now,
and you can be our podcast fan of the week next week,
the king and the queen of it.
Yeah.
If there is just a Sally or just a Clinton,
then you will be a singular one again.
Also in our regular sections,
of course you may recall that last week I said,
for a regular section,
I'm going to start joining Facebook groups.
Yeah, you did.
I've done that. I've been in charge of that. Okay. Here
are the groups that I joined this week. Ray became a fan of. Laughing until it hurts and
you can't breathe. Sex on fire. I hate battery low. I bet females can reach one million before
males do. When I was little, I made a tent with duvets and chairs.
I hate it when mascara misses the tub and goes
all over your hands.
Kissing on the neck is a turn on, lots of
exclamation marks.
Ever looked at your ex and thought, what the hell
was I thinking?
Fine, don't laugh at my joke, make me look stupid.
I hate you.
I say suck my dick, but I
never say lick my fanny. I ask for a dick, but I never say lick my family.
I asked for a drink, not a shitload of ice.
Giving your best friend a look and they know exactly what you're thinking.
I survived 2009 without getting pregnant.
It's obvious I'm ignoring your text.
Why are you still texting me?
Retro sweets.
I need a massage. Why are you still texting me? Retro sweets. I need a
massage. I love
you. Suddenly I hate you and then I miss
you. When I
die, I give my friends permission to change my
status to, he's dead.
When I see someone walking by me at night,
I assume they're going to kill me.
And I love it when, in the middle of
our kiss, I can feel you smiling.
What a lovely group
of groups you've joined.
Yep.
I've done a bit of writing
on some of them.
Yeah?
Which ones have you written on?
Well, I'll tell you the one
about I love it when
in the middle of our kiss
I can feel you smiling.
Right.
Because I thought
what a lovely group.
Yeah.
I'll join in with it though.
So to give you an idea
people write and things like
I've actually got them down. I love that too. And then I start laughing. Lol. We're just in with it though so to give you an idea people write and things like I've actually got them down
I love that too
and then I start laughing
lol
we're just comfortable with it
that's what somebody put
this is like the sweetest group ever
aww
love it
I am absolutely in love with my boyfriend
two hearts
this is the most awesome feeling
when two people can feel
such a wonderful thing together
it makes it all worth it
doesn't it
someday
that's what somebody else has put.
So I've joined in.
I remember one time when I was
kissing a woman once and I thought she was smiling
so I'd done it a bit harder and faster like what
they like sometimes. But it turned
out that she had actually dislocated her jaw
and I had made it worse to the point
that she ended up having her head amputated.
So just think about that.
And then a woman
has put, oh, this is so sweet. And I've put, what's sweet? That my wife had her head amputated.
What a horrible thing to say. So I'm thinking of leaving that group. Yeah, you should do,
mate. If some of you could go on there and verify that you were the woman in question
or women in question. Yeah. I'd quite like that. And if you are Sally, then you will
definitely be fan of the week. Nice one, Sally. So that's been my Facebook groups of the week.
You have had a nice week at leisure, haven't you?
Yeah, I have.
I'm going to put a load more up next week.
I want to be the first person on Facebook to be a member of a million groups.
And if I get to a million groups,
then Osama Bin Laden will give himself up.
They will bring Gavin and Stacey back.
You will get a free laptop.
And the person what you like will like Gavin and Stacey back you will get a free laptop and the person what you like
will like you
and all
it's time for our
new regular section
starting this week
it is called
Ray puts a food
in your head that you've not had for ages
and makes you really want it.
And this week, it is Parma ham.
Yeah, you've not had it for ages, have you, Parma ham?
And you always enjoy it, don't you?
Yeah, you're craving some Parma ham now, aren't you?
I bet you're anything you buy some Parma ham when you go to shops.
That was our regular
section.
Ray puts food in your
head that you've not
had for ages and
makes you really want
it.
Got a right busy
weekend coming up
there.
A week of leisure.
Have you?
Yeah.
Got to do two gigs
and then we've got to
go on Sunday.
We've got to go
wedding me and you.
Yeah, we'll go wedding. Which is a long way away. Yeah. In fact, it gigs. And then we've got to go on Sunday, we've got to go to a wedding, me and you. Yeah, we'll go to a wedding.
Which is a long way away.
Yeah.
In fact, it would have been yesterday we've been to it.
Oh, don't say that.
When this podcast comes out, it was yesterday.
Yeah.
I wish it was that day now.
Yeah.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to the wedding.
Yeah, we all are, aren't we?
Yeah, I think all of us are in a way.
I mean, we can't tell you who it is.
No.
Who is getting married, right?
But it is a mutual friend of me and Ed's.
Yeah.
He's getting married on Sunday.
Yeah.
And it's dangerous, isn't it?
What, me and you going to a wedding?
Yeah.
We can't tell you who it is,
but he may have once been one of the Ferraras on EastEnders.
And that is all we can tell you about it.
Yeah, but I'm worried about what's going to happen.
I'm dreading it. What's going to happen if we sit next to each other at a ceremony? Well tell you about it. Yeah, but I'm worried about what's going to happen. I'm dreading it.
What's going to happen if we sit next to each other at a ceremony?
Well, we are doing.
Yeah.
I mean, we should agree to both put our hands on each other's mouths
when they ask if anyone knows of any legal reason.
Yeah, because, I mean, we could say anything at that point.
Yeah, exactly.
I'm going to go for pig aids.
I'm going to say that's the reason that he can't get married.
I'm going to leave my hand off your mouth.
Don't do that.
I said to Raji that in that bit,
the only way he can avoid me saying anything
is if he turns around and looks right at me.
And he's got to look under his eyebrows.
He's got to look cross.
If there's any hint of a smile, then I will say something. You're going to say something. Pig aids. So it's got a look under his eyebrows. He's got a look cross. Yeah.
If there's any hint of a smile,
then I will say something.
You're going to say something.
Pick eight.
So it's up to you, RGO.
You know, you can...
Well, it's too late now, isn't it?
It's happened now.
We're probably not mates now, anyway.
I've probably been punched
by several members of your family.
But thanks for having us.
Yeah.
We should talk about our gigs last week
because we did...
Leicester Comedy Festival. Leicester Comedy Festival.
Leicester Comedy Festival.
Now, I didn't realise, and by association, nor did you, that people take it quite seriously.
Yeah, people are going up there doing full shows and that.
Yeah, that they've prepared.
Yeah.
I mean, we thought there'd be no one there.
And there was, though.
I know.
We went on the radio first, didn't we?
Yeah, we did an interview on BBC Radio 7, which is a bit like
Thunderbird 5. No, it's not. It's the top
one. Oh, right. It's the biggest number.
Yeah, 7 is the biggest number. Radio 1
is the smallest number.
That is the biggest number.
Yeah, wow. So we must have been heard
by lots of people. Yeah, we went on that with
Alex Parry. Is that right?
Perry? No, Alex Riley. Alex
Riley we went on with.
Yeah, but we did keep accidentally mistaking him for Alex Reid off of Jordan.
Which I think he found quite tiring.
Yeah, we did do it for over 20 minutes.
Yeah, we kept asking what it was like wearing a frock at a premiere.
Yeah.
So the show itself, we genuinely thought it was going to be like five tickets sold.
Because we didn't do any promotion for it.
Absolutely not. We didn't bench it on the podcast even last week you know we just thought it was a little thing and we got there
then we started our show yeah and there were all people sat there yeah what waiting for a show yeah
if i'd have known there were people out there i'd have done a turn yeah but as it was we actually
wrote our show yeah 10 minutes before it started With the audience in the room. Yeah. And we were just
rooting through the
dressing room.
And we found a
Father Christmas
outfit.
Yeah.
And a big Aztec
head.
A big Aztec head
which you wore.
We went out at the
beginning and we did
a quick register
didn't we?
Yeah.
Because we'd had
people confirmed on
the Facebook event
that we didn't set up
but we saw there were
about 13 people
confirmed.
So we just quickly
checked who was in
and met some of the
people.
But then your phone rang
which I thought was
quite unprofessional.
Yeah my phone rang
in the dressing room
didn't it?
So you had to go
and get it.
Now I don't know
if you noticed mate
when you went off
to get your phone
I was joined by
a special guest on stage.
Who was it?
Santa Claus.
Shut up.
No seriously
Santa Claus
the real one.
Was on the stage?
He came on the stage
and gave out presents
to all the boys and girls.
That's amazing. Was a nice big fat jolly man the stage and gave out presents to all the boys and girls. That's amazing.
Was a nice, big, fat, jolly man.
What?
He was a massive...
I tell you what, you know about Santa Claus, right?
You've seen him on some things.
But only when he is in the flesh do you realise quite how massively fat he is.
Right.
And he's got a really screwed up little piggy face.
Yeah, it's weird, actually.
Because when I was driving home from the gig,
I stopped at some
services put Petra in
and Santa Claus was
there
yeah
he was obviously
on his way back
oh I didn't see him
no he was on his
way back from the
gig
and I went alright
Santa Claus how are
you
he went yeah I'm
alright thank you
I went you look
quite handsome today
he said yeah I
always do
and I went I know
and then I said
what have I got to
you tonight
he went well do
you know what I've
had a really weird
thing happen to me
tonight because I
went on a program but live
and gave presents out to the children and I met someone that made me look thin right
I met this bloke right um I can't egg something all right and I went out on the stage with
him and he was so fat right yeah at one point I gave him a cuddle, and I could smell cheese.
And I was like, what's that smell of cheese?
And I sniffed around everywhere.
It was under his tits.
And I went, oh, Santa, you have had a busy night, haven't you?
And he went, yeah, I hope I don't meet that cunt ever again.
And I went, what, egg? And he went yeah I hope I don't meet that cunt ever again. And I went what egg?
And he went yeah
oh no
Ed it was
and I went oh shit
and I didn't say nothing
then because I realised
it was you.
Anyway
big disgusting fat ugly
Santa came on
and he was
but he was a nice man
and if I saw him again
I would be friends with him.
Right.
And he came on
and gave presents
to all the boys and girls.
That sounds like a brilliant show.
And then what did you do
for the other 50 minutes?
Can't speak about
your driving for ages.
You've had a crush.
I've not had one crush yet.
Are you still doing your lessons?
Yeah.
Have you done a three point turner?
Yeah.
How did you get on with it?
Done it in three points.
That's all you need?
Yeah, but I mean
it was the thing
about the wanking again,
whatever that was.
Oh, he'd done it for you?
Yeah, he was wanking me off
when I did it
and that put me off.
If the driving instructor
will wank you off
while you're doing
a three point turn,
that makes it even harder
for you to pass.
Like, it did help a bit
and taught me through it.
Have you done emergency stop?
No, not yet.
Actually, I did one by accident
on the first day.
Right, well, no,
you're not having that.
You can't do an
accidental emergency stop. Did you press the wrong pedal? No, I just went too heavy on the that. You can't do an accidental emergency stop.
Did you press the
wrong pedal?
No I just went too
heavy on the brake
and he went that's
your emergency stop
for the day.
Oh he did a good
joke.
Yeah he did a funny
joke.
Brilliant.
I remember my
driving instructor
when I was doing
my driving years
and years ago.
Yeah.
He did a brilliant
joke when we were
going past his
school.
Yeah.
And then I felt
his bang.
Right.
And this little girl just sort of face on the windscreen
and then bounced off very quick.
And the driving instructor didn't believe it,
so he went, well, she's dead.
That's a good one, isn't it?
That is a brilliant one.
That's a priceless one.
We never reported that.
We just drove off.
Yeah.
Do you remember when we were in the car with Raji James,
who, of course, used to be in EastEnders?
But he's getting married.
One of the Ferris, but he's getting married now.
And he was driving on the M4.
I think he was doing about 80 or something.
And I did a brilliant joke of putting my hands over his eyes.
When I was sat behind him.
Yeah.
Have I told you the story about my cousin in Romania?
They had a cousin in Romania.
No, they went on holiday to Romania.
I thought you meant you had a secret cousin.
My cousin and his friends went on holiday to Romania.
And they got drunk and he sat in the back of a taxi.
They got in a taxi.
And he thought, oh, it would be a funny joke to put my hands over the eyes of my friend in the front seat.
In the passenger seat.
So he put his hands over the eyes of my friend in the front seat, in the passenger seat, right? So he put his hands
over the eyes of his
friend in the passenger seat, and then
there was a scream and he realised that he'd forgotten
they drive on the other side and he'd put his hands
over the taxi driver's eyes. Okay. And did
they crash? No, they got to their destination
safe. Well that is a lovely
story. Thank you.
And that was our regular section, Ed's
Happy Endings.
We keep trying to stop doing the
Tesco section.
Yeah, because it
has just turned into
two men whining
about stuff.
And we want to do
new sections.
Yeah, we don't
want to be bogged
down with Tesco.
Yeah, and every time we say Tesco, technically, I mean, we're not plugging them.
Well, it's definitely not plugging them.
But we're keeping their name out there, aren't we?
We're giving them the oxygen of publicity.
Exactly.
That's certainly right.
And what we want to do is hold them by their publicity throat and press down on their Adam's
apple of publicity until we crush their windpipe and they don't get any oxygen and their face
goes all blue, but with white bits on and then every little help's written across their eyes with a knife.
If anything, right, I want to put Tesco in a Tesco bag, right, and tie it at the top
and they've got holes in them so they can still breathe, but then chuck it in a canal,
right, and then it'll keep floating to the top and we'll have to throw bricks at it until
it eventually goes underneath as well.
That's what I want to do to Tesco.
They keep giving us reason.
Yeah, they keep struggling and getting one more breath in.
They keep going,
oh, let's just do one more stupid fucking thing.
Yeah, exactly.
Together's in the news again.
I don't know what is wrong with them.
This latest one's stupid.
This is the one that came out today.
Martin Dunkley.
Dunkers.
Dunkley Donuts. today. Martin Dunkley. Dunkers. Dunkley Donuts.
Martin Slam Dunkley.
That's a good one.
Cheers, mate.
Martin Duncan Holmes.
He's a bloke at university.
Right, yeah, that was pretty good.
Martin Dunkley, 45.
This is from Metro again, by the way.
Was entering Tesco's Bar Hill Superstore in Cambridgeshire with daughter Natalie
six on his shoulders when a security guard
had challenged them? Now, you're probably sat
now thinking, oh, what's it going to be, too?
What, a duel? Yeah, I was going to go thumb wars.
Thumb wars would have been a good one.
Mr. Dunkley was told Natalie would have to be taken
down for safety reasons, otherwise they would have
to leave the store because they presented a potential
danger to other shoppers. That
That's ridiculous.
...is mental.
I mean, Mr Dunkley countered with,
I think she was actually safe on my shoulders
rather than running the risk of being hit by a trolley.
I'm not... I don't know if that's right or not.
No, I mean, I can see he's struggling to find a point.
Yeah, and I don't want to support Tesco in this,
because I don't,
but Tesco sometimes have big, angy down boards, don't they?
Yeah.
Now, what if,
Mr. Dunkley,
I'd suddenly seen
something on a shelf
that he'd not seen
for ages?
I'm thinking those
frozen beef sort of
square things
that are paper thin.
Right.
And you cook them
in the frying pan
for one minute
and then eat them.
Right.
I think they're called
minute steaks.
Right.
And he went,
oh, I've not had that
for ages.
Yeah.
And he went to go
and get them. Swung around. And Natalie. Was decapitated. Right, okay. And he went, I've not had that for ages. Yeah. And he went to go and get him.
Swung around.
And Natalie.
Was decapitated.
Right?
Decapitated by an
every little help sign.
Yeah.
Right, so I
understand what
Tesco are saying,
but it is a bit
ridiculous.
Yeah, of course it
is.
Well, the person
who sent you this
story had a theory
as to why they
didn't want.
She said that it
was a human hood.
Yep.
So Tesco have
banned human hoods now.
Yep.
Unless Natalie was wearing her pyjamas trying to smoke a quiche.
I don't see why they banned being on the shoulders.
Well, I just think you take responsibility, don't you, for your own child.
Absolutely, yeah.
If his child is attached to his shoulders, then it's his problem.
I'm sure he wouldn't then sue Tesco if he dropped her on her head.
Right?
That would be his fault.
Yeah, totally.
You can't...
Like that bloke that time,
do you remember that bloke
who got his child and threw her in the air
but he'd forgot that he was stood next to an helicopter
and then...
I don't remember that.
That sounds horrible.
That is true.
Is it?
Apparently so.
He came to a bad end, that.
Oh, he screwed that up, didn't he?
Yeah, but he didn't then go on to sue the helicopter.
To my knowledge, anyway.
He realised it was his fault, though.
Yeah.
So, you know, Tesco, you're just being pricks.
We're literally running out of energy to slam them anymore.
I can't come up with anything beyond, like, fuck off.
Yeah, you stupid idiots.
You arseholes.
And our spokesman has urged Mr Dunkley to return to the store and talk to the manager.
We take the safety of our staffing customers very seriously, she said.
Each store can make these decisions on an individual basis.
There is no blanket policy.
They keep doing this.
When they wrote back to me, they were saying that.
There's no blanket policy.
There's no blanket policy.
There's no blanket policy, but try and bring a blanket in.
And have a picnic on Tesco's floor and see what happens then.
Sometimes I like children.
Yeah.
And I like the way people have children.
Because it's time for another Ed's Amazing Birth.
Right.
So are you ready for this one?
I've done a lot of research on the internet this week.
And I found out about quite a wonderful birth. Right. So, are you ready for this one? I've done a lot of research on the internet this week, and I found out about quite a wonderful birth.
Right.
Is it going to be as much bollocks as last week?
Well, last week wasn't bollocks.
This has got to do with bollocks, though,
because, of course, that's where sperm comes from.
Right.
Right.
Now, this is a very interesting one and true.
Okay?
Are you ready to hear about it?
Yep.
The title of the article is Son of a Gun.
Right.
Where have you found this, first of all?
From a reputable source.
No, that doesn't mean nothing. What one?
The library.
You got this from the library?
The World Library.
So why have you now got it on the internet, on the computer?
That is what I call the internet, the World's Library.
Right, it is on the internet.
Yes.
What's the site called?
Snopes.com.
Snopes?
Yeah.
What does that mean?
It means true in Spanish.
Is that true?
Si. Now, right,? It means true in Spanish. Is that true? Si.
Now, right, this is Son of a
Gun. Now this is an amazing story. It was a pretty
amazing story last week, but this is, I think,
an even more amazing birth. Come on.
This is about a story during the Civil
War, when a woman got a baby
in a baby factory,
from a bit of sperm, from someone she
had never met or had sex with. Right.
Do you want to know how that happened?
It was in a war, that is a clue.
A man, a soldier nearby, a bullet went through one of his balls and came out of him.
Ed, don't be so fucking stupid.
Listen, got a bit of sperm on the end of the bullet and went through into the woman's womb.
Don't be so fucking stupid.
Into the woman's womb, and that's how the sperm got in there.
What civil war was this in?
America. The American Civil War. Yeah, and I'll tell you where it was. Let's have a look. into the woman's womb and that's how the sperm got in there what civil war was this in America
the American civil war
yeah
and I'll tell you where it was
it was the civil war
it was 1863
right first of all
no before you even
carry on talking about this
a young Virginia farm girl
look on the website
it says
son of a gun
claim
during the civil war
a woman was impregnated
by sperm
carried on a bullet
that patted the scrotum
of a soldier
and penetrated her ovaries
and then it says status and it says in red letters, false. The website you've got this
from is saying it's false.
I'm not sure that relates to the story.
It says there, look, the story in fact is completely false.
Right.
The claim for the miraculous bullet pregnancy originated with an article that was printed
as a joke in the journal, the American Medical Weekly on on 7th November 1874. So go on, let's
listen now to your miracle birth.
Right, a man got shot through the ball.
Right.
Are you denying that that could happen?
That's possible.
Right, there you go. First bit, true. The bullet carried on. Do you admit that it could
be true that the bullet went through a man's ball, like destroyed it and then carried on
going?
Okay.
Okay, you take that.
Right.
Here we go.
We're 50% true already.
So it says completely false there.
Wrong.
Right?
And what's balls got in them?
Yeah, but...
Right?
Do you deny that balls have sperm in them?
Well, some have, some haven't.
Okay, so these balls did, right?
Yeah.
That is true.
Fact, right?
Do you deny that if a bullet went through a ball, that if the ball had sperm in it,
it would get sperm residue on it? Yes, I do deny that if a bullet went through a ball, that if the ball had sperm in it, it would get sperm residue on it?
Yes, I do deny that.
Right.
It would be travelling far too fast to get anything on it.
Yeah.
It would go straight through, and also it would probably be too hot for anything to settle on it.
No, it's not. Why would it be hot? It's getting loads of wind on it.
Right, okay.
It's getting quite a lot of breeze on it. If anything, it would be freezing.
Quite a lot of breeze from outside?
Yeah.
That would probably kill the sperm.
No, it wouldn't. In fact, it'd be freezing. Quite a lot of breeze from outside. Yeah. That would probably kill the sperm. No, it wouldn't.
In fact, it would definitely kill the sperm. Oh, so why
when men go in and give sperm, do they
freeze it? Uh, next, right?
So, the bullet
was carrying on, right? Yeah.
I'm not saying it would be loads of sperm
on it. I'm not saying that you would see it
in the air, like a big gunkus
bunk flying through the air with a bullet in it. Okay.
I'm saying it wouldn't look like a jellyfish having a race.
Yeah, no, I've changed my mind now. I think the story is true.
Right, okay.
Yeah.
And then it went into the ladies' baby factory.
I think this is how artificial insemination started.
Yeah, well, there you go.
Yeah, I think that, that's an interesting point which I was going to bring up.
Yeah, this is the original way it happened.
Yeah.
Somebody shot it, and it was, the bullet was going so fast with a sperm on the end of it.
Yeah.
And it froze the sperm, that's where they got the idea from that from.
Yeah.
And then it went straight into the lady's baby factory.
Yeah.
And then made a baby.
You're right.
That is,
and that is now exactly,
that is how they do
artificial insemination now.
Yeah, there you go.
Then that must be true.
What I think.
The downside of it is,
is sadly a lot of women
who get shot in the fanny
die from it.
Yeah.
I mean,
that's why this story,
which I'm not arguing.
It doesn't,
it doesn't say it goes in,
it doesn't go up her fanny.
Where does it go then
it just straight into her womb
oh sorry
I thought it meant
she was shot in the fanny
no
I didn't realise
she was shot in the womb
see that's why
which of course
has a massive survival rate
see that's why
you're not getting it
it goes into the womb
and just stops
and I want to pull you up
on last week's one as well
no you can't
because sperm
travelling downwards
would not make a baby
even if all the things
that you said
last week's one
I thought it was afterwards
yeah it would make an upside down baby it wouldn if all the things that you said last week's one, I thought it was afterwards. Yeah, it would make an upside-down baby.
No, it wouldn't make...
Well, you didn't say that last week's one was an upside-down baby.
Sometimes babies are the wrong way around when they come out.
Right, well, sometimes...
In this section, which we're going to carry on doing, right?
I warn you now, listener.
You're not giving the full facts, so I start going, no, it's not true.
Right.
If you'd have said, yeah, she had an upside-down baby,
I'd have gone, right, oh, right, okay, then find out it's probably true. Now, we've established that this one this week is true. Right. If you'd have said, yeah, she had an upside down baby, I'd have gone, right, oh right, okay, then fine, that is probably true. Now, we've established that this one
this week is true, because you said that's how they do artificial insemination. Yeah.
I was being facetious. Oh, thanks. Do you think the baby that was born had, like, a
taste for speed? Like, it was like a racing driver when it grew up, because of that first
experience as being a little sperm hanging onto a speeding bullet.
Possibly.
I mean, it is sad, it is heartbreaking that somebody so young should be shot.
Yeah, exactly.
I mean, that must be a record for the youngest person ever shot.
Yeah.
They were shot as a sperm.
So that is quite a claim as well, isn't it?
But anyway, I think we've all learnt something.
What have we learnt, Ed?
Never get your bollocks out in a war when there's a woman nearby.
Another thing that our listeners have learnt is
stop listening to the podcast when Ed announced it's time for Ed's Miracle Births.
Ed's Amazing Births.
Whatever the hell.
Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble.
All music by The Tiger Lilies,
except for the last one,
which is performed by Frank Seidmorton.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast
is a ready production hosted by
Chortle.co.uk.
See you next week.
You know that there is that bit at the end,
after the credits,
just a little funny bit at the end.
Yeah, like in Hollyoaks
yeah well this is it
what
there wasn't anything
in the episode
well this isn't funny
though
I know but this is
all I've got
when I'm doing the
editing
bring the funny now
do your funny
alright I'm trying to
right
I can't think of any
jokes at the moment
have you got any jokes
yeah I've got loads
of jokes
alright tell me one then
one day there was a
man and he went down
to shops
he was going for
eggs,
butter,
bacon
and chillies.
I think I've heard this one.
Right.
Okay, yeah,
it's the one about the crocodile.
Yeah, they didn't have the chillies.
Yeah.
Yeah, I've heard it already.