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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
And that is how we're not allowed to kiss.
Alright?
We weren't doing nothing everyone!
They're the ones that we're not allowed to do, all right?
Do it that one time, that's fine.
We'll maybe do it, like, every now and again in the future,
but not regularly, all right?
Stop making everyone think we've done that.
They're the ones...
Do you know what was wrong with it?
It's because you opened your mouth on my lip.
If the lips are just touched, that is fine,
but it's because you opened your mouth on my bottom lip
and you pulled it a little bit with your mouth.
I wanted to taste you.
This is on. This is on here.
Oh, shit.
Hello, welcome to the Pickle & Gamble podcast. I'm Ray Peacock. Hello.
Hello, I'm Ed Gamble, not kissing.
Now, is this on now?
Hello?
Is this on now, this?
Are you...
Is it on live or not?
Right, can you hear this now?
Hello, can you hear this? Can you ring up? Ring up on the number. Ring the studio up if you can hear this now.
Is it on live? Hello? Is it pre-recorded or not? Oh, brilliant you hear this? Can you ring up? Ring up on the number. Ring the studio up if you can hear this now. Is it on live?
Hello?
Is it pre-recorded or not?
Oh, brilliant.
I don't know what it is.
What a lovely day.
What a lovely...
It's a night...
Evening now.
It's a night time on this.
We had every intention of doing it in the daytime.
I had every intention of doing it in the daytime.
I picked you up from the station.
You picked me up from the station.
We went shopping for your dinner.
Then we got back.
Our dinner.
That's not fair.
You got some stuff as well.
I did get some stuff, yeah. We were at Sainsbury's and i got an adenal food shop yeah yeah i got
got some seeds seeds got some seeds some oranges and beef jerky yeah we've got some big i've been
caning beef jerky you're not allowed it i know i've actually if anything i think i've had more
i think i've actually had more because every time i do it i think right i'll have one last one right
every time i get it is that working with junk food I'll have one last one. Right. Every time I get it.
Is that working with junk food then?
If I said, like, you've got to have loads of junk food, will you just do the opposite?
I think my eating has been really, really clever this week.
I think I've done my very, very best.
I've been a very good boy.
I've eaten properly.
But why is it clever?
I think I've been clever that I've not had no junk food.
All right, well done.
I had some bread last night for the first time in over a week.
That's all right.
That's not junk food.
I don't like, but I want to cut out bread.
All right.
But it came with a dinner.
Right.
And some chips came with it as well.
What else came with it?
It was a chicken sandwich.
Was it a pasty sandwich?
No, it was dinner.
What was it last night?
And that was the healthiest food thing they had.
You could have asked for it without chips and salad instead of chips.
It had salad with it anyway.
Right.
Well, you could have asked for a bigger salad and no chips.
I forgot. Quite genuinely, I forgot there of chips. It had salad with it anyway. Right, well you could have asked for a bigger salad and no chips. I forgot.
Quite genuinely, I forgot
there was chips.
And also, when they took the order,
they took like 40 people's order
at the same time.
Right.
So I'd be going,
can you make sure it's on a blue plate
and no chips for me, thank you.
Yeah, no, it doesn't matter
the colour of the plate.
What you should have done
is just gone, right,
I'll leave the chips.
Yeah.
That's where I was going with it.
I thought that.
But I'd just done the warm-up
and then I went to the dressing room
and I was like
I am hungry though
yeah
I love them chips
and they're a bit cold
so you can eat them quite quick as well
alright so
if you eat it quickly
it doesn't count
and also
I want to say
this is the state of service
in this country right
and I've served being a bar
so I know it's a shitty job right
but last night
a really weird thing happened
because there was a girl
working on the show
who I was about to make a coffee
and she went
I'll get you a proper coffee
if you want from the bar because they have a tab there.
Yeah.
I went, okay, cool.
And then she went away for about 40 minutes.
Right.
And I went, I'll go and have a look for her.
Yeah.
And I found the girl and she was like, I'm sorry, I've ordered your coffee.
I'm just waiting for you to do it.
Yeah.
And then we chatted for a bit longer, me and this girl.
And then this girl came up and the girl who wrote to the show said to the girl, excuse me, did I order a coffee with you?
And the girl went, no.
And she went, oh, so I've ordered a coffee.
And she went, all right. I'm walked'm walked off right and then she came back and
started cleaning stuff in front of us but she should have said i'll make you the coffee yeah
okay i'll get you the coffee and then she should have given you a nice big smile and a kiss so
think on if you work in a pub welcome to the show so like that right no kissing like that right right so that's that's twice you've had it now
no more kissing this will be horrible in people's earphones having to listen to two two men going
well the thing is the problem is i'm trying to now rescue this because I think I'm sorry about that story at the intro.
All right, mate.
I was going to say something.
It didn't really go anywhere, did it?
No, but I was going to say something, but I thought it was a brilliant story.
Thanks, mate.
And that I think a lot of it was because the people listening would not have seen your lovely, handsome face.
All right.
To be honest, mate, I got lost in your eye.
Eyes, I've got to...
Oh, no, we need to talk about what happened to you this week.
Oh, right, okay.
It's a good joke you're doing.
Hey, by the way, while we think on,
I remember I'm on television this week.
You are?
This Saturday.
Yeah.
On, I don't know what, BBC Three?
It is on my...
No, I knew that.
I don't know what time it's on now.
I don't know what time it's on.
Sorry, I don't know what time it's on.
It's on BBC Three, The Ray Peacock Show.
No, it's not.
Come on, tell the truth
because people are going to be looking for it
and they'll not find The Ray Peacock Show.
If you can't find it,
then ring the BBC up on Sunday
and say, why is The Ray Peacock Show not on telly?
No, you're on Russell Howard's Good News.
Yeah, I'm on the extended version of that
doing all my stand-up comedy. I've not filmed it yet, so I don't know how it went. No, but well, I'm on the extended version of that. Yeah. Doing all my stand-up comedy.
Yeah.
I've not filmed it yet, so I don't know how it went.
No.
But well, I'm going to say well.
Yeah, well.
Yeah, I think a lot of people say well.
I think, yeah.
I'm going to say well.
Well, you know, it's only fair that he has a go in it.
He does the warm-up every week, so.
Whoa.
Well.
I've got to do the warm-up on the same show.
Yeah.
It's going to be quite tiring, you know.
So you'll be warming up for yourself.
I'm really worried I won't do well in the warm-up,
and then I'll have to go back on.
Yeah.
Oh, no, I mean, no.
Do you know what I mean, though?
Yeah.
Imagine that.
It's like if you're comparing, you don't do well in comparing.
You have to keep going back on again.
You've got to keep fucking going back on the stage and that.
Yeah, it's on this Saturday, 3rd April, BBC3, on late.
Yeah.
It's not the one that's on the 1st, but do watch that.
That's Russell Howard's Good News.
That's a normal show. It's the extended one on the Saturday. first, but do watch that. That's Russell Howard's Good News. That's a normal show.
It's the extended one on the Saturday.
You can watch it if you want.
I think you should watch it.
I think everyone should watch it
and then call the BBC and say,
that Ray Peacock man was brilliant.
Give him his own show.
And if he has a mate.
Yeah.
Has he got a mate to just take a bit of the pressure off?
Yeah.
I like Ray Peacock,
but I don't think he could carry something by himself for an hour.
Does he have a mate who he works with a lot?
Yeah, and then, if you're a girl, right,
why don't you ring us up and talk dirty down the phone
while we masturbate, you dirty fucking cow?
Why don't you do that?
Oh, you dirty fucking cow.
Dirty fucking cow.
What are you thinking of, you?
Disgusting.
Come here while I show you how we can't kiss.
Right, when I arrived today, I thought, oh, what's Ray up to?
Lovely looking lad.
Yeah, lovely looking lad.
Very nice boy.
Looked in my eyes and thought, oh, you dirty fucking cow.
Looked right in your eye, you dirty fucking cow.
Yeah.
And thought, oh, he's handsome.
Yeah, but...
But you said, oh, I've been busy today.
I have been busy today.
Yeah, no, I thought you had been busy because you're usually, you're not a liar.
You are both handsome and truthful.
Right.
What have I lied about?
You're the perfect gentleman.
Thank you very much.
You went in your bedroom, I thought, following me.
On your bed... It looked bad, didn't it? Yeah, on your bedroom, I thought, following me. On your bed...
It looked bad, didn't it?
Yeah, on your bed was the remnants of your day.
Yeah.
An empty big bag of Doritos.
Yeah, yeah.
Your laptop.
Yeah.
A comic.
Yeah.
And a suspiciously screwed up sticky looking tissue.
That was from a wank.
Yeah, you've been wanking over Doritos again.
Yeah, I've been wanking over Doritos.
I mean, look at that computer.
You won't find any Paul on this computer.
It didn't happen. It didn't find any porn on this computer.
It didn't happen.
It didn't happen.
It was literally... All you'll find on your computer
is just loads of pictures of snack food.
And I was...
Yeah, it was.
You're right.
It was that.
Exactly that.
A comic, a laptop, a screwed up tissue.
That wasn't from the one.
I did have one, though.
But that wasn't from it.
But I did have one.
Is it where...
Did that go in the bag?
What?
Oh, the tissue?
No, the spunk.
No, the pop it straight in my mouth.
You dirty fucking cow.
Straight in my mouth, dirty fucking cow.
And Doritos, yeah.
It's bad, isn't it?
Yeah.
Because I am exercising every day and on a diet.
Yeah, but you said you didn't exercise today.
I didn't exercise today. I've not done so far either.
You've just had crisps in today. I didn't exercise today. I've not done so far either. You've just had a few
crisps in bed. I don't feel
good. You're like an old man.
I'm glad you don't smoke because you're going to be one of these
people who dies in a house fire.
I was having a fag in bed and he fell asleep.
At least now he's just having Doritos in bed
and he woke up with crumbs all in his tits. now it is time for that brilliant section that happens every week over the music where ray
does talk saying about a food and when he says the name of the food or drink that you
hear that and you remember that you
like it because you'd
forgotten that you liked it.
So now you remember you like it and you hear
the name of the food and you think I want
some of that food. I don't think this counts as a regular section
because the title of it is different every
week. Here is the
Ray says a food and you
think of it and then you want to eat it.
Or a drink.
This week, toast.
Toast.
This is getting worse and worse.
Have some toast.
Toast.
It's only bread cooked.
Toast.
Pop it in your toaster.
Everyone's got one, haven't they?
Put the bread in the toaster.
Cook the bread till it gets brown.
Put a bit of butter on it. Have some toast. Everyone's got the toaster, cook the bread, till it goes brown, put a bit of butter on it,
have some toast.
Everyone's got a toaster,
so this isn't,
so everyone has toast all the time.
Have some toast.
This is not a good version of this.
Yummy, yummy, yummy.
Toasty in my tummy.
I can't wait for that.
Give us a bit of it.
Bit of toast.
Have some toast.
Don't put marmalade on it,
it'll ruin it.
Toast.
Just with some butter. Eat it all upmalade on it and ruin it. Toast.
Just with some butter.
Eat it all up on a big plate, working hard.
If you're working hard, get a big plate of toast and bring it through and eat all of it.
And that would be a nice break.
Have some toast for in your break.
Awful.
Toast. right well this week
on the podcast
we have some business
to take care of
as always business
yes but special
business this week
because I'm going to
do it properly
oh okay
proper public notices
are you doing it
official
none of this
messing about
let's get through
this public notices
all the business
shall I be your
secretary
could you be a
secretary
yeah
hey have you seen
that film
secretary
yeah
I fast forwarded
to all the sexy
bits
have you seen
that bit
in the film
secretary
right
and he puts her
over the desk
and says you
can't move your
hands
and he's proper
written on her
arse
and she just
stands there
and takes it
dirty fucking
cat
doesn't he
doesn't he put
his jaffas all up her arse?
He just sprays all his jaffers all over her back.
Dirty fucking cow.
Dirty fucking cow, isn't she?
Hey, have you seen that bit in it where she's just sat on that chair and he says you can't move?
And he leaves her there for days and she's weeing in the chair.
It's all going down her legs daddy fucking right so this week here are the people who
may or may not have won we asked last week for terry and june and if your names correspond with
said names then you could be plausibly our podcast fan of the week king or queen of the week or our
top fish yeah as well so we'll mix them all up this week. Okay. In reverse order at the moment
from what's actually currently
on the podcast fan page on Facebook.
Daniel Young has said,
Hiya pal.
So.
Bit familiar.
Bit assumptive.
Could I be.
Or maybe he's Scottish.
Oh, nice one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Maybe he's Scottish and about to punch me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hiya pal.
Could I be fish of the week please?
My last name is Young
and that is a brand that sells fish products.
Yeah.
That's true.
Young is fish of the week. Fair comment on that one one send us some of that yeah dean burnett has said
uh burnett has net in it and you use them to catch fish from the sea yeah which is next to the beach
which i am apparently always going on about it right i don't know what he's on about right um
what i think is that net is in his name but it's burn net and then how are you going to fish if
you're burning into your net yeah dean you idiot. How are you going to and you shouldn't even
be able to fire on a
beach.
Yeah.
You've got a permit
for that burning your
net on the beach you
dirty fucking gal.
You can't do that
Dean don't be doing
that on the beach.
So no Dean's
disqualified for
burning his net.
Barry Allen Jones
I met a guy called
Terry in June.
Oh please.
Not this week.
No.
Not this week.
But that yeah nice
try.
David Butler said my name is David Butler. Right. It's not. No it's but that yeah nice try David Butler
said my name is
David Butler
right
it's not
no it's not
your name's David Butler
as soon as we have
fuck it
your bellend
as soon as we have
top servant of the week
then you can win it
you can be that one
definitely
Terry June cod
right
right
not having that
because you've only got
two friends
one's Ed
Hugh Mazie said
I don't understand
being through the
awards list on
Chalk Run
somehow they missed
your name off
so fair comment
it's not quite got you
to be fan of the week
but fair comment
it is fair comment
keep saying things like that
and one day you will
be fan of the week
but this week's
fish of the week
first of all
is Nathan Trout
yeah oh brilliant
Nathan Trout
and it's his real name
checked it
Nathan Trout
you are our podcast
top fish of the week
well done Trouty
Nathan Trout
nice one Trouto
and Trouto was born
at Pinderfields Hospital
in Wakefield
where interestingly
I once stole a wheelchair
I did when I was at university
how do you know
where he was born
because it's on his
Facebook profile
alright
I stole a wheelchair
from Pinderfields Hospital
I replaced it later on
okay what with
and gave them
no I replaced it
and gave them
because I broke it
right
and gave them some money as well.
But I stole it and we took it round the local supermarket
pretending to be disabled.
So that's what I did with that.
Oh, as long as it was something important.
Yeah, I've not always been a nice boy.
And also, the podcast fan of the week is going to be...
Well, it's not actually this person.
Lisa Finlayson said,
my nan was called June, but she is dead.
So I can't get her to join Facebook.
Sorry, Lisa.
God bless your nan.
That took me by surprise, Lisa.
I'm sorry, Lisa.
I would imagine it took everyone concerned by surprise.
Well, we don't know.
We don't know.
Maybe Stella Nan, it was a bit of a surprise.
We're not laughing at your nan dying.
That's not funny.
She could have been a bad lot.
Yeah, she could have been.
Could have been a bad lot.
So if she was a bad lot, then I'm still not happy about it. No, I'm not, no.
And it's sad when anyone dies.
It's always sad when anyone dies.
But this week, our podcast fan of the week is Lisa Finlayson's nan, June.
Yeah, so God bless you, June.
So June, God bless to you.
We don't know whether June was Finlayson or not, so we'll just call you June.
We'll just call you June, Lisa's grandma, nan.
Lisa's much-missed nan, June.
June, yeah.
So, well done, June, for being fan of the week.
Why not enter again?
Let's get on with that, get on with that.
Right, time for all the groups that Ray has joined this week.
As you know, every week I join a load of Facebook groups.
And my goal to get one million groups before 2010.
Before 2011.
No, 2011, sorry. And I've not been counting these as I go 2011. No, 2011, sorry.
And I've not been counting these as I go along.
No.
But I can't imagine I'm far off now.
No, you must be on about a million.
I'm caning through these now.
Here they are this week.
Ready, Ed?
Yeah, ready.
Can I have a look at the screen?
I can't see it from here.
Ray became a fan of.
Join if you're taller than your mum.
Right, well, you can get rid of your membership on that one straight away.
I'm taller than my mum.
No, you're not.
I'm much taller than her.
Right, ready to become a fan of?
I blame Disney for my high expectations of men.
I've pretended to die in front of my pet to see how they react.
One day, someone is going to punch you in the face and I will laugh.
I'm not laughing because I'm lying.
I'm laughing because you think I'm lying.
When my phone vibrates, I shout, I'm vibrating.
Do you fancy coming round to watch a DVD?
We hate slow drivers.
I hate
private number calls.
Deliberately driving slower when tailgated.
A line has been crossed
when a Freddo costs 17p.
I love my duvet.
If you find the secret message in this picture, it will
make you smile.
I hate it when girls wear foundation
on their lips
and one day
you're going to look back
and say,
damn, that girl
really did love me.
Only man in that group.
Right.
Only single,
only man.
Well done, that's brilliant, man.
Well done.
I'll tell you what, right,
they're all crying in there.
They're having a right cry.
I'll tell you what,
free-for-all in there for me.
Dirty fucking cows.
In last week's podcast, you may recall,
for those of you who are following the saga...
I recall, I recall it.
...of the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
I recall it.
But you may recall there was a part in it
where we gave
Ellie Coutts
Podcast Queen of the Week.
We did, yeah.
Fan of the Week.
And we said
we would tell her,
I would tell her
what Ed was saying
when he looked at her.
No, that's not true.
If you recall the saga properly,
you were going to say
what we had said.
I know, because I missaid it.
I missaid it.
No, it's what we had said.
If you listen back to it,
I changed it up a few times
and said you should have
heard what Ed was saying.
Yeah, no, but it was
what we were saying.
Well, look, we said on the provisor that she told us how old she was.
Yeah.
And her and several of her friends have told us now she's 19.
Yeah.
Which I think is all right, isn't it?
I think that's allowed, yeah.
All right, so here we go.
What is allowed, though?
It's written down exactly, I will tell you with word, what Ed said.
No, sorry, what?
This is when we were looking at Eddie Coutts' photos.
Right.
Oh, God, she is well fit.
Mate, is she one of our fans?
Oh, what?
Look at her there.
Oh, she's well up for it in that one.
Yeah, open your mouth, you dirty fucking cow.
And how old do you think she is?
So there you go, Eddie.
That's what Ed was saying.
It's surprising that
while we looked at your pictures.
What I was saying
is written in your notebook
in your handwriting.
Oh Ed, you're filthy.
I did say a lot of that though.
Often at sports events
when they're very vocal
in the crowd and that
you can hear
some from the terraces
when the team goes down by, you know,
a try or by a go or whatever.
Yeah.
They'll often sing,
it's all gone quiet over there.
Right.
Which I think is probably a good way
of describing Ed's amazing births fans.
I don't think so.
This week.
I think quite a lot of people piped up
and said they found it very amusing.
Well, a lot of people piped up and said,
too far.
Yeah, but they're just trying to join in with you.
I want to go and listen to something else.
They're trying to keep
both of us sweet
at the same time.
Yeah, we've had
genuine complaints this week.
Well, we haven't.
It wrote personal
messages to us.
Not true.
One of us,
one of us,
I'm not going to say which one,
one of us has had
a death threat.
Apparently,
apparently it would be nice
if one of our heads
was pulled off,
apparently.
So I won't say who it was,
but it was Ed.
So, how do you feel about that, Ed?
No, we're not saying who it...
How do you feel about that?
If your head was pulled off and put in the bin at the John,
is what they said.
Well, if they could put it back on and I would still be alive,
that would be fine.
It would be an experience.
Which I've established didn't happen.
How do you feel?
We had quite a lot of discussions, myself and you,
after the recording last week
i'm fine with it and between the recording and the releasing of the podcast this week yeah where
we discussed whether or not it was all right yeah it's fine i mean you weren't sure sunday night
were you i'm fine now it's sunday night you were going not sure maybe because it is me saying it
and i'm not sure maybe you know but it's no it's out there isn't it got to have the courage of my
convictions yeah stick to my guns.
I'm glad that baby died.
Okay, good.
You are certainly sticking
to your guns on that one, aren't you?
Yeah, I am.
I am.
But I do agree
that maybe a little bit dark
last week.
Yeah.
Time to lighten the mood.
Quite frankly.
Oh, so we're doing it?
We are.
We're going to lighten the mood.
We're doing Ed's Amazing Births?
Well, yeah,
it's still the most popular
section on the podcast.
Brilliant.
It still has loads of fans
on its own group and someone set up a raised food group yeah and i mean
i think there were like four fans when i looked and then i went on the discussion no one's left
anything on the wall no that's nothing to discuss just me just me i've just left something on the
wall saying looking a bit bit quiet around here right okay you're trying to goad them and wind
them up yeah well i mean we should say like on the record now that neither myself nor you are
affiliated to us.
We've not started them.
Oh, no, we've not started them, no.
They've been started by fans, Apogee fans,
or mentally ill people.
People who are farting all the time out of their hands.
Same thing, same thing.
We appreciate it, but just don't think it is us
and we're running it.
I was very concerned on your one,
because I saw that every now and again it says,
Ed's Amazing Birth says, amazing,
or Ed's Amazing Birth says, that is an amazing birth.
And I don't want people to think that that
is you doing that. Yeah, that's me sat at
home, putting all these updates on here,
trying to push this. Whereas, in reality,
it's someone else, and I'm sat at home
reading it. Yeah, which is weird.
Yeah, which is worse, in a way. Which is weird. That's
an NC theft, I think. Yeah, I think so.
So, we're going to lighten the mood. I'm going to tell
you a lovely story about a genuinely amazing birth.
Okay. Okay? Okay. This is amazing in the sense that, you know, birth is amazing.
Right.
Life is a miracle.
Right, okay.
So are we going to go with that?
So here we go.
Ed's Amazing Births.
Yeah.
It's Ed's Amazing Births.
Nice.
For this story, we're going to hop in our little imaginary plane and fly all the way over to Nigeria.
What's that?
There's a 20-year-old woman.
She was in quite a lot of pain.
And she had a baby.
Right.
Which was fine.
In Nigeria?
It's alive.
I see.
Right, so that's your amazing birth.
Because you're acknowledging that birth is an amazing thing.
I mean, yeah.
I mean, she had a tortoise as well.
All right, okay.
And I know what
you're thinking.
Yeah?
Which one came out
first?
No, I wasn't
thinking that.
Right?
It was the tortoise,
so I'd imagine that
the baby fell asleep
under a tree.
I think that's how
it goes, isn't it?
Okay.
I don't know, mate.
Yeah.
So, she...
I mean, I would
imagine the baby...
If she had the tortoise
first, I would imagine
the baby dropped out
rather than...
Well, apparently the
tortoise did...
I mean, they said
the doctor in Nigeria said that the tortoise...
What's the doctor's name?
I don't know, I've got the link there.
Okay, let's have a look at this.
So, apparently the tortoise did scratch her private part on the way out.
Okay.
And tore up the placenta a little bit.
But everyone's fine.
I can't stress enough that everyone's fine.
The tortoise is fine.
The baby's fine.
The mother's fine.
I mean, I'll be honest with you, it's a big, big article. It article it's massive it gives you all the details can't be arsed reading it right um i
don't believe it right well i'll tell you what i thought that i mean you never believe it so we'll
take that as granted i mean really you lost me at saying birth is an amazing thing right i don't
think it is at all in fact i think if we were going to stop anything yeah in the world the
first thing we should stop is reproduction but But then where would this section be? The same place
where most of the children deserve to be. Fucking
nowhere. Right. It's just, it's an
absolute, I think anyone who has a child
in this day and age is a fucking idiot.
Everyone who
has a child. Absolutely everyone.
Can I tell you why I thought it was a genuinely
amazing story? Or do you want to rant about birth?
I just want to rant about birth because I think until
you shouldn't be allowed to have children until all children are accounted about I think until children until all children
accounted for right so until all children counted all the children are
accounted for right yeah so basically you can't have children until they found
my I think that's a really good point yeah I think genuinely should go right
whoa stop we've lost one yeah until, it should be that, though.
Yeah.
It should be.
You can't, until all children have a family around them,
or whatever a family is, you know, whatever you decide that it is,
until they have that, then no, you can't reproduce.
No, right.
Until everyone's wanted, you can't reproduce.
And if you do, you're a selfish fucking idiot.
Well, can I tell you why I think it's amazing?
Yeah, I'm just saying, will people stop having babies?
Right, I'm not sure.
It's stupid.
It's stupid.
All right.
And also, getting married.
Well, there's no point to that.
It's so fucking childish.
What an enormous waste of money.
Yes, but imagine if she was walking down the aisle, this woman,
and the tortoise was carrying the ring.
Right, tell me about the tortoise.
Right, what I'm saying is, it's amazing that that child is going to grow up,
the baby one that came out
after the tortoise.
She's going to go to school
and she's going to say,
oh, do you have any brothers and sisters?
And she's going to say,
well, I am a twin.
And they're going to go...
And they're going to go,
identical?
Not exactly.
Where's your twin?
Oh, he lives in a box in the shed.
Before you know it,
fucking child services have been called.
Right, so here are pictures of them.
Right, are they the tortoise?
So that's mother and child.
Mother and child.
Right, where's the tortoise?
Well, a bit slow to get to the camera.
I think I might need glasses.
I can't actually read this at the moment.
My eyes are very tired.
It's because your eyes can't consider that much truth.
What's the joke?
There's no joke.
Look, and what's the first line of that quote?
This is amazing but true.
She did not register with my clinic for antenatal.
When she came here with her people, she was in pains.
We didn't know she will deliver here.
She only came for tahajjud prayers, night vigil.
We were praying when suddenly she started wriggling.
She was in pains.
I touched her stomach and observed something strange moving inside her.
It was a strange thing.
I thought it was a lizard, but inside her. It was a strange thing.
I thought it was a lizard but it turned out
to be a tortoise.
Incredible.
The tortoise tore
the placenta into pieces
and came out.
The baby came out
afterwards.
She fainted after
the delivery
and we have to receive...
Mate, she shoved
a tortoise up herself.
No, she's not.
That's what's happened
in most of these things
that you come up with.
When, why would she
shove a tortoise up? What, for a bit of company for the baby?
There are women in this world, right?
Not all of them, but there are women and men as well.
Oh, what, only African ones?
Oh, I see where this is going.
Go on, you two.
Don't let Africans come over here.
They shove tortoises up their faces.
Go on, you two.
Go on, Xtube.
Go on, any of these.
You'll find women and men who shove all manner of stuff up themselves
not a tortoise
when you're pregnant
they will shove a tortoise
there'll be a woman
in the world
and we think we found her
who will shove a tortoise
up a Chloe
when she is pregnant
right
and then go off
for a night prayers
and she'll find herself
wriggling
and in pains
yeah
and before you know it
she's pushed the tortoise out
and then the baby comes out
and hopefully the baby is fine I don't think that's what happened this is absolute cock you know what she's pushed the tortoise out and then the baby comes out and hopefully the baby is fine.
I don't think that's what happened.
This is absolute cock.
You know what I think happened?
What happened?
Do you think she became
birthed with tortoises?
I think she had to go
in the sewer for some reason
and fell into nuclear waste.
Oh right,
it was turtle now,
is it?
Yeah,
well no,
it's a tortoise
and it works with both
and then a tortoise
was made inside her
and if you read to the bottom
of the article
which I won't
she has a giant rat husband
what's he called
Splinter
yeah
I mean
from next week
can we change the section
hey what did the tortoise do
shredded
her placenta
from next week
shredder
can we change this section
to Ed's stories
at least that'll
that'll give me free reign
do you know what
you can still do
you can still do,
you can still do exactly what you're doing now,
however you want to do it,
but all I'm asking is that we rename it,
that we call it Ed's Made Up Stories.
No, I think what we should call it is Ed's Amazing Stories.
No, Ed's Amazing Facts.
No, no, that's the thing.
We're not having facts in there.
They're amazing though, you agree with that?
If it is a story.
And it's me doing them, Ed.
Ed's Amazing Facts. I'm them, Ed. Ed's amazing facts.
I'm only having it if you take out facts.
Anything that pertains to being true,
take out the title.
You've not brought any proof to show that any of these have not happened.
I've disproved all of them.
I've brought you documentation that it happened.
The only one I've not disproved is the miscarriage.
This is a comedy podcast.
I know.
I shouldn't be saying that phrase at any point.
It's a comedy podcast, but people are learning as well.
They're not learning anything.
A woman...
All they've learnt today is that I think that people that reproduce are idiots,
and that you've got no fucking respect whatsoever for reproduction.
I'm sorry.
And yet you still agree with it,
and you think that a woman in Africa has given birth to a tortoise.
I think she has.
Yeah, I think she has.
If you think you have, that's fine. I've not. At the moment, this is birth to a tortoise. I think she has. Yeah, I think she has. If you think you have,
that's fine.
I've not.
At the moment,
this is like the existence of God.
It's not me that should have to disprove it.
It's you that should have to prove it.
I'm bringing you...
I'm having an article on the internet
that says,
yes, this is true,
she did give birth to a tortoise.
It's not proof.
God, that's a good one.
What?
Jesus.
You can have that.
As your amazing birth,
you can have that.
I can find you stuff about it. But it doesn't make it
true. You are no fun. I'm not
saying that Jesus wasn't born. I'm just saying that
all the magic and stuff didn't happen. If he
did die on that cross, he didn't wake up again.
Get me a medical certificate.
He's digging up a tortoise on a cross. Right.
How would they get it out there?
I would imagine that as soon as they lay it down
on its back, on the cross, the tortoise would
clock someone's up and just retreat into its body.
They'd have to glue it on with
Loctite.
Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised
and performed by Ray Peacock
and Ed Gamble. All music
by the Tiger Lilies, except for the
last one, which is performed by Frank Sidewater.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast
is a ready production
hosted by Chortle.co.uk.
See you next week.
I think there's something up with her voice.
What, that girl?
She's kind of all robot-y.
Yeah, I know.
Is it getting worse every week?
Yeah, she's more a robot every week. I think she has got something that means she turns into a robot. I know. Is it getting worse every week? Yeah, she's more a robot every week.
I think she has got
something that means
she turns into a robot.
I know, the last time
I listened and was
editing the podcast,
I really noticed
when I listened back
that when she says
that bit at the end
there, it sounds
proper like a robot
now.
Hello, I am a robot.
It's not as bad as
that.
I'm worried about it.
You might have
noticed that we've
had a secret catchphrase
this week.
Can you guess what it is? Basically, me and Ed bet each other that we couldn't get it had a secret catchphrase this week can you guess what it is
basically
me and Ed
bet each other
that we couldn't get it in
right
as a catchphrase
which is a stupid thing to bet
because
it's only us
who does this
yeah
but we slipped it in
quite seamlessly
oh
cheeky
dirty fucking cow
that was it then
yeah
dirty fucking cow
which is our new catchphrase
so
please use that
as much as you can
on the Facebook page
and stuff.
And just in life.
In life generally.
What I would like everyone who listens to this to do
is to just pick four people at random.
Yeah.
At random on their Facebook
and just write a message saying dirty fucking cow to them.
Yeah.
Just see what happens.
Another thing you can do, and this is worth doing,
go on YouTube, type in dirty fucking cow.
Right?
I've watched a bit where the bull tries to
mount another bull.
It's called, like, bull stacks it.
Yeah, bull stacks or something.
But, genuinely, it's about a 10, 15 second video.
Yeah.
I promise you, it'll really make you laugh.
Yeah.
Yeah?
And if you're that way inclined, it might turn you on as well, because they are doing
sex.
Dirty fucking cow.