The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 38

Episode Date: October 13, 2019

"Episode 38" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 38 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Right, I am gobsmacked. Right. Hello, welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. I'm Ray Peacock, hello. Hello, I'm a gamble, Ed gobsmacked gamble. Why are you gobsmacked? Because every week, pretty much every week, I'll have to tell everyone on the podcast how you have tried to put off recording. Oh, change the record, mate.

Yeah, well, no, this... Change the record? You are a broken record with a scratch in it, which is what made it broke. That's very good. And the needle's getting stuck in it, and it keeps doing the same bit over and over again, like you saying, no, every week this happens. Yeah, but this is the best album now. You are.

Yeah. Right, I was sitting here waiting to start recording. Yeah. You're in your little kitchenette bit. Yeah. I hear... Oh, fuck! Then a massive sort of fire light explosion.

Green, I may add. Yeah. And then you came caning it through at your top speed. Yeah. On your little legs. Very fast. Holding a lit sparkler. Yeah.

And not an indoor one. There was smoke going everywhere. A lit sparkler rather than recording. The back door wasn't open. You spent ages trying to open the back door with a sparkler in your hand. Yeah, so that's impressive. Smoke filling the living room. Yeah.

Finally, you got outside, just stood by the door, waving a sparkler around, smiling at me, like you'd discovered something amazing, like you'd invented fireworks. And then you went outside and I thought, right, the sparkler must be finished. He must have written his name enough now, it's only three letters. Yeah. And then you came back in holding a cat. And that's magic. And a lot of people may know this, a lot of people may not. You don't own a cat. No, I've not got a cat. You take cats from outside. I often say, I often refer to cats as my cat. Yeah.

But I've not owned a cat for years. No. I mean, my last cat was called Dusty. Yeah. And apparently it ran away when I was younger. But I think it died. Okay. I think it got run over somewhere and the parents just haven't told me.

So every time now you bring a cat in, it's you trying to get Dusty back. I will just say my cat. Yeah. It was like a sort of a grey-y colour. I always thought of it as black when I think back, but it's not. It was more grey-y. Yeah, that's probably why it was called Dusty. But I had a rabbit called Top Off as well.

Apparently that ran away in the middle of the night. I don't know how he managed that. That was in an arch, that was. And they maintained that one morning we got up and it just wasn't in the arch anymore. Like it was Udini Rabbit. I mean,

how did your parents come up with that name? Go on, get your top off.

So that's the excuse for the cat. I didn't even know I owned. The other

night I was in the kitchen and I went, oh my God, I opened the drawer

and I said, where on earth have they come from? I think somebody gave them to me. I think my friend Catherine gave them to me. Right.

As part of a sort of compilation present. Right. Like a bag of presents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think they were in there. Okay. You didn't use them straight away? No.

And I don't know why, but they are, they're supposed to be coloured sparklers. Yeah. And they're all green so far. Okay, well they are colourful. I've done that a few times. I mean, I literally, I don't think

to open the door, unlock the door first. I do go in the kitchen, light it and go, oh fuck, it does fill up with, even now, it's horrible smelling

air, isn't it? So maybe we should just give them away. As a prize? I hope we won't be allowed to, would we? If we said you can

write in and get a sparkler and then we sent it, it would be sending like, it blows you through the post, wouldn't it?

Yeah, that is terrorism. You can't do that. Stop trying to make us into terrorists, you idiots. It is terrorism, that, albeit a very cheeky jolly terrorism. Yeah, that's the sort I would always be, like Abu Hamza. Welcome to the show. Excuse me, please, Mr Ray Peacock. Can I have your autograph? Oh, of course you can, certainly. Thank you. I've got it put on your bedroom wall. Thank you.

I saw it on the telly on Russell Lowe's Good News at the end of it, but on the repeat at late night on Saturday. Oh, thanks very much for recognising me off the telly. Here is a photograph of me. Put it up by your bed in between Rob Rouse and Lloyd Langford. Pretty stressful, though. But you're nervous. A bit nervous, and I don't get notes for gigs. No. Ever now, though. But you're nervous. A bit nervous.

And I don't get nervous before gigs. No. Ever now. So to be nervous before gigs... But it was a gig on a telly. That's why it was nerve-wracking. I know. It was still a gig, though, wasn't it?

End of day. Guess who else was nervous? Me. Why were you nervous? For you. Just for me? Yeah. Not because of your John Smiths adverts?

No. Just shut up about that. I'm well depressed about that. Why are you like... Because now I've done my telly thing, so it's time now for lovely Ed Gamble. He's going to be doing his telly thing now. Going to be doing the John Smiths.

Mate, I've got a bit of news. Going to be doing the John Smiths adverts, remember? Going to be kicking a football over a greenhouse. Right. Can't wait for that, for Ed to be the new John Smiths man. I think we're all looking forward to that, aren't we? Right. I've come good on my television promise.

Right. So I'm sure Ed will come good on it. Right. What is it? I've had a bit of news. What? Off our management.

What? I've officially not got it. Hush your mouth. I can't hush my mouth. I speak the truth. No way.

No way are you speaking the truth now. I am speaking the truth. Hush your mouth. No, I can't hush it. You dirty fucking

cow. That can't be right that. It is right that. You've not got the job. I didn't get it. I didn't get it.

They didn't want me in it. What, the people making it? Apparently they said it was very nice to meet me. But no, I didn't get it, mate, sorry. Well, it's fine. Well, we can tell them now. Tell our audience about what you actually did in the casting.

Because you couldn't before. You poshed up, didn't you? No, I didn't posh up at all. Even though it was like a commoner part. No, I literally... Yeah, say hello, flower. I said hello... I didn't actually say that in the thing,

because they went, just sort of, you can do things around it. So I thought, right, first thing I'm going to do, flower's gone. Dropping flower. Yeah, cutting flower off. I'm nipping that in the bud. Brilliant.

Cheers, mate. Did you say that to them? No. Should have said it on the day. You might have got the job. Sure you could roll with the punches. Yeah. They sat me down beforehand and went,

so obviously, like Peter Kay's done this before, we really want someone to carve out their own niche. Did you not say, well, why have you written it like Peter Kay? No, I didn't. By that point, I was just sort of nodding, because they'd done a whole big build-up about the character of No Nonsense Man, and now, basically, they're explaining it like it was waiting for Godot. Yeah, I mean, advertising execs and that, and people who do these adverts, ah, I think

it would be fair for me to say fucking spastic. I mean, to a man. Unbelievable people. Unbelievable people. The last one I ever went to, because what used to happen, you'd send us for castings, even though I didn't want to do adverts and stuff. We'd just go meet the casting director. I stopped doing that, because I was like, no, this is stupid.

And what if they offered it to me, which they sometimes did. And I went for one once, and got in there, and I literally walked in, and it was a room full of fat men in white jumpsuits. And I went, what is happening? And the woman behind the desk went, could you just pop this on? And I went, nope.

But I walked straight out of it, and I rang management up, and this is like many, many assistants ago for our management, and I suppose the assistant, the one at the time, had said, I'm not going any more of these. That is just like ritual humiliation. Yeah, the John Smith one wasn't like a cattle call type thing. They could have all been gassed. I don't even, I've never seen that, I don't know. I'm trying to remember what it was for. A room full of fat men, they put them in jumpsuits, and then the secretary goes out, they shut the door, and it's...

Yeah, I've had a lucky escape. One of them goes in and they go, by the way, they won't be coming out this way, they go out this way. Yeah, they go out the back. And they go, and you just hear... And then a massive, fleshy thud. Yeah, it was like Hostel, but in a posh bit of London. One, two, three, four, get with the business.

Excuse me, this is my section. I'm trying to give you a theme tune. I don't want a theme tune off you. Can I get a woo-woo? Chicks really dig it. What's that? Guys like woo. What are you doing?

Richard Blackwood single. I don't want Richard Blackwood single all over my good section. And I've added business in it. I don't want Richard Blackwood stinking up this section. Originally And I've added business in it. I don't want Richard Blackwood stinking up this section. Originally it was one, two, three, four, get with the wicked.

Can I get a hoo-hoo-hoo? Cheeks really dig it. The guy's like, whoa. What's that? Richard Blackwood single. I don't want you to do it. Get with the wicked. Who's Richard Blackwood?

Right, every week we ask for names for people to be the podcast fan of the week. Apart from last week. Brilliant joke that we done there. We didn't ask because we got a bit tangled up in our words because we were having a bit of a chuckle at someone's nan dying. And we got a bit nervous and come away from it. Basically, we gave it as an open house.

I put a thing on Facebook saying, you know, fill your votes, go for it. If you want to nominate yourself for it, then do. We got a lot of entries this week. We can't possibly read all these out because there's far too many. But we'll give you a little edited history of them. Please don't think if we're not reading yours out, it's because we don't like you. It's just that it wasn't funny.

Right, so here we go. The first one, David York. I publicly apologise to Ray and stated my views on Ed's outrageous section had reverted. I can't understand what he's saying. Adam Smith, because my tortoises just came out of hibernation and they're miserable buggers.

I like that one. Jim, Jim, Jimmy, Jim. What's that one? Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. There's a fit girl on here, right? Who says, I like you. jingamanigavinganus jingaman jingamanvinganus

there's a fit girl on here right who says I like you right so she's in the running yeah defo so put her down

put her down mate put her down write her name down put her down but not like an ill cat I looked on her Facebook page right there's all pictures of her

like pole dancing and that whoa right that's fine she'll go and do it for blokes in a club in Australia we've asked motor time for girls to send pictures of their knockers in. I thought you'd have been a dead cert, love.

Next one, John Rubio. I can do a front flip and my dad's name is Jesus. That's not even a lie. That's a good entry. That's a brilliant entry, John Rubio. Good entry, that one. Rubio! Josh Roberts said, I grew a moustache. I like that one, Josh. That's a good one. That's a brilliant entry, Joe Rubio. Rubio! Josh Roberts said, I grew a moustache.

Well done, Josh. I like that one, Josh. That's a good one. Melanie Gardner, I should be fun of the week because I love you both. I listen to you every day at work and in bed

and you're my best one on podcasts. Thank you. Also, because I told Ray how sexy he looks last week. Yeah. She did. She put a message on one of my pictures saying I'm not sexy.

Don't you fucking care. I just think, right, she's in bed right now listening to us talking, right? Right. This is like cow. I just think, right, she's in bed right now. Ray. Listening to us talking, right? This is like a freeway, isn't it? It's like,

oh, are you enjoying yourself in bed? Are you a manly gardener? Yeah. Got a Ray and Ed sandwich going on? When you say Ray and Ed sandwich, do you mean that she's in the middle of both of us or do you mean that sandwich we made with meatballs

and cheese once? Oh, I like that one. The Ray and Ed sandwich. Oh, Melanie, get out of bed. Go and get us a sandwich, would you? The Ray and Ed one. Go and get us the Ray and Ed one with meatballs and cheese when'd like that one. The Ray and Ed sandwich. Oh, Melanie, get out of bed, go and get us a sandwich, would you? The Ray and Ed one. Go and get us the Ray and Ed one, the meatballs and cheese one. We like that one. You don't have to put your clothes on.

CM Carter, I don't like you. Very clever. Clever, but no. Very clever. Reverse psychology. Well, guess what, CM Carter? We don't like you neither. Kerry Trotman, I have an invisible prehensile tail. Is that like the little one at the bottom of the back? Yeah, at the bottom of the spine. But it's invisible.

Yeah, so she doesn't have one. I think Carrie's a boy. Right. I don't know. Actually, I don't know. So, sorry, Carrie, if you're a boy or a girl. I'm sorry about you. Corey Shaw.

I am a dirty fucking cow. Right, well. Right, well, you're definitely a... Prove it. Prove it. Prove it, right? And you'll be in with a chance to do it next week. Prove it.

And bring us a sandwich. Bring us a sandwich with you as well. If you see Mandy Garner, bring her with you and all. And then we will watch you do Leslie kissing and then while we were eating our sandwich

Mitchell Parsons if I'm not fun of the week I'm going to do kissing on Ed and he's going to say ooh that is better than Ray and then I'm

going to do kissing on Ray and he'll say that's better than I ever did it and then you two will break up with each other and come do kissing on just

me then it will be the Peacock and Gamble breaking up podcast no one do you know what I'm not even going to click see more no

but thanks for your entry who's he Tom, Jane and Molyneux I hope I said that right can I be fan of the week because just simply I love the podcast and I'm a fan

sure that should be enough you'd think wouldn't you Tom but literally nowhere near that was quite sincere though I know but it's but no that's not how it works

around these here parts you would think that love would be enough yeah know, but it's... No, that's not how it works around these here parts. You would think that love would be enough. Yeah, it's not. It's not. We need sandwich and lessee kissing. Presents and lessee kissing and sandwiches, yeah. Marcus Smith, can I please be friend of the week?

Because I just said please like a polite cow. We didn't hear it, but I imagine it went something along the line of, please. So if you could do us an audio recording of that. Yeah. Or better still, on Facebook, you can do videos of yourself. Yeah. If you do as an audio recorder to that, or better still, on Facebook, you can like do videos of yourself. If you do a video

of yourself, mate, go please, like a polite cow. Appley, you can. John Black, if I am named fan of the week, I will give Ed's

exclusive rights to the full story of my daughter's amazing birth, featuring such highlights as the bit where my girlfriend was in labour and all

falls a dirty fucking cow, and burst her waters all over the midwife's face. And the midwife couldn't even go clean herself up because she had to wrap her hand up in padding stuff and catch a poo like some sort of game of smelly baseball. I can amend the baby's head status to there or not there, depending on Ed's preference.

In the story, I mean, not in real life, because I think if I rip her head off, there might be trouble. That is my case stated. Mate, you're fucking, you're winning this easy. I don't know, it's between the Johns. It's Battle of the Johns for me. Ruby, I'm black. He's just, he has just had a baby

that he's now talking about ripping the head off in a jokey way. Fair play to this fella. Yeah, all right. His wife would fucking murder him if she knew he was making something like this. Joshua Ahab Dummer. I once rescued a woman from the clutches of a 50-foot-tall gorilla by tricking it into trying to give me a high 10 with its top two hands and dropping her. I don't believe any of this.

I'm not going to read the rest of it because I think it's bollocks. Steve Gray. I got 1,000 fan-of-the-week business cards printed and an EAB tattoo. Prove it. More bloody fool you. But prove it. Prove it. EAB's on a limited shelf life. Who decided that? It's definitely run out of steam.

If someone genuinely gets a tattoo based around the podcast, they can be fan of the week. Okay. But only for that week. All right. Yeah. Tom Jansky, I once got hit by a car while doing the moonwalk. If that's true yeah

video video of it a video of it or like a doctor's report like photocopied it says he was doing the moonwalk

and got hit by a car Eric Liston two words American fan base got it already don't need you Jamie Stubbs just listen to the podcast

you dirty fucking cows so you want to be fan of the week because you listen to the podcast? Luke Abrahamson remember me? Nope.

David Butler I have nothing else I'm fucking ginger I need this. I can't I hate all the ginger stuff. It's fine that's fine you know.

I don't care if you're ginger or not. It's not like you're in a wheelchair. Jessica Goods I should be fan of the wheat because it's my birthday. Didn't we ask for a Jessica?

I think we did ask for a Jessica. Jess? No one came forward. Jessica, you blew it. Yeah. Sarah Prophet. I want to be fun of the week because I'm a bisexual pig farmer. And I know how much you like bacon and stuff.

And I would do you, Ray, because you look like a lesser in a girly phase with tits and everything. Hang on, what's going on? It started so well. I was getting excited going... You do look like a lesser with tits and everything. I still, what's going on? It started so well. I was getting excited going... You do look like a lezzer with tits and everything. I still look like a bloke. And Ed, I wouldn't do you

because you look like my ex when she went butch and wouldn't wear a dress at my mum and dad's anniversary party. And you may have let yourself go recently. Ray still uses Timothee,

I can tell. Actually, I don't. He was head and shoulders and then with Tony and Guy Conditioner, but thank you for the compliment. I will do you an old Sarah Prophet. I will pretend to be a woman if it means I can

do her. I love how much backstory there was in that one sentence. Absolutely brilliant. And it was the exact amount of information. Freddie Hughes, I'm happy not to be it, but thanks for the offer. No worries, Freddie, you were never going to be it.

So who won it? John Black or Sarah Prophet. I think they're both pretty good. Really, do you think? Get a coin out, Ed. Right, it's 2p coin. Yeah. Right, here we go.

You see I'm doing pretty well. So who's who? Sarah Heads, John Tails. Sarah Head. Sarah Head, get out of your mouth, dirty fucking cat.

Dirty bike cat. All right, there we go. Dirty bike cat. Heads it is. Heads, Sarah Prophet. Sarah Prophet, your mouth, dirty fucking head. Dirty bike head. Dirty bike head. Heads it is. Heads, Sarah Proffitt. Sarah Proffitt, congratulations, you're our podcast

fan of the week. Well done, Sarah. And I'll be coming and giving you your award at your house. Yeah, and don't worry, Sarah, I will wear a dress to your parents'

anniversary. Yeah, best behaviour. Next week we require a Sarah or a John. Okay, so for podcast fan of the week next week, it's Sarah or a John.

That's the ones we require. Podcast Top Fish of the Week this week is a pike. That's a pike. So now let's do the groups that Ray has joined this week on Facebook to get his girl of a million groups by 1946.

Ray became a fan of not having AIDS. I pretend to be okay and keep a smile on my face, but inside I'm dying. I used blow air back into my capri sun to make it look like it was full, smile. Should I try harder or just stop trying? Windows 7 wasn't your idea, so shut up.

Will there be boys there? No, Mum. It's a nun party. Don't mind me. I love holding doors open for cunts who don't say thanks. Ghostbusters. Cadbury's Whisper. Meowing back at a cat when it meows at you. Not meowing back at a cat when it meows at you not meowing back at a cat

when it meows at you and covering myself in Vaseline and crying naked in the dark brilliant but that's the business for this week

Christ almighty that was long-winded wasn't it yeah it was yeah but I've done a good bit of business there well done mate and let's flush it

Bit of business there. Yeah, well done, mate. Now let's flush it. Take that out of your mouth a minute, because it's now time for Ray Says Some Food. Are you ever going to get the title nailed down? Well, I might do, if you don't interrupt me when I'm trying to say it. Right, well...

I've been listening back to this every single week. When I try and say it, you're going, that's not it, that's right, and that's what's putting say it. Right, well... I've been listening back to this every single week. When I try and say it, you're going, that's not it, that's right, and that's what's putting me off. Right, listen. Alright, you be quiet and I'll do... I'm looking forward to this week because toast was fucking woeful this week. Right, right, okay, I admit that. Not, right,

not proper woeful, but alright, it wasn't great. I'd say, right... I'm trying to do this. No, listen, I admit that when this section started, I thought, that's quite clever. He's picking foods that are like that. I'm a food that you like for ages and all drink. Last week. Make you want it and I say it that one. Last week was toast. Crunchy nut cornflakes. Which was terrible. Crunchy nut cornflakes. This has turned into Ray says a word until it doesn't mean anything anymore. We all like crunchy nut cornflakes, don't we?

Why are you speaking like that? They used to advertise it by saying one bowl's never enough, but I think they stopped them doing that. Crunchy nut cornflakes. Got nuts in it. Honey. Cornflakes and crunching. Get it down you.

Put it in a bowl. Put some milk in it. Oh, that's a good one. Milk. Milk. Have some milk with your crunchy nut cornflakes put it all together what have you got a nice little dinner eat it in your mouth eat it and enjoy it you're going oh i've not had these for ages since i was at my grandma's i'm having a few more crunchy nut cornflakes do you think it'd work with hot milk don't be stupid have it with normal milk and get it down you with hot milk? Don't be stupid. Have it with normal

milk and get it down you. Mmm, you can just feel the spoon going in it and getting it out and putting it in your mouth and eating it.

Chew it up nice though, you could choke on nuts. Don't have it if you've got a nut allergy. Crunchy nut cornflakes. Right, so we've

gone from toast to cereal. Crunchy nut cornflakes. Next one's going to be porridge, isn't it? Fuck it, you are a prick. You're ruining this yeah alright

wait till we do your section then and see what happens I don't know why you get so embarrassed when we're bumming because a lot of lads have spots on their bum

so don't worry about that you can't just don't worry about that I love can't just... Don't worry about that. I love that you're trying to insult me but to get there you have to say that we've been bummed. I have to maintain that I've bummed you. Have you got spots on your bum or not? No I've got a very nice smooth bum. Smooth? You've not got hairs on it? Not particularly. I think there's probably some in the middle. Like down between you? Up the middle. Oh up the middle of your bum? Yeah right up my bum. Like the crack of your bum,

you've got all hairs in it. Yeah, loads of them. I don't know how to feel, actually. I think I have as well. Yeah. Yeah, I'm fluff as well. That's all right, yeah. No, you do, yeah.

There's a... Park those hairs for a sec. What? There's a number plate up there. That's because back when I was born, everyone had a cell phone. Have you got any chest? No, only a few.

Do you want to? Yes, I'll look. Oh, it's not many. It's all of it. It's quite pathetic and patchy. But I don't have... Is it my one or not? Whoa.

Quite hairy, aren't I? See, we've discussed before that neither of us have particularly hairy armpits either. No, I don't. And do you know what? When I was younger, just sort of prepubescent, I was looking forward to having hairy armpits. Yeah, and you don't. Like looking all strong and that. Yeah.

And I don't. No, not particularly hairy armpits. I've and you don't. Like looking all strong and that. Yeah. And I don't, no not particularly hairy armpits, I've got airy chest and that. I think with us, with the hairy armpit thing, it's impossible for

anything to grow down there. It rubs away, doesn't it? Well it just rubs away and it's just a closed, it's a closed shot. Totally, totally. It's just,

literally no air in there. It's just, it's basically, I mean I'm surprised mine hasn't grown into one bit of flesh. I'm amazed that mine's And I've just got hands

flapping out the side of my legs. Completely, yeah. I think I, both of us would have moss. You would have thought. Have you got hairs around your penis? Yeah, yeah, all around the top.

Around the top of it, not on the balls. I shave my balls. You shave your balls? Yeah. You shaved or you do shave your balls? I shave my balls. Yeah, I do. I prefer to be shaved, I think. I think you've mentioned that to me before. You stretch it out tight and then... Yeah.

I think you've told me the entire... You've got to be careful. The entire process of doing that. It's quite easy to not one-up when you're doing that. So you've got to be careful. Yeah, you don't want to... I've had no sense of my balls. Always have been.

Ever since I was a child. And I shave the base of my penis as well. Yeah. Makes it look bigger. Yeah. I mean, not significantly. No. I still wouldn't have it photographed.

But, you know, just for me it is. I tell you what, I'd have mine photographed if it was proper professional studio and there was a make-up artist. Yeah, and you're allowed to warm it up by doing an helicopter. Yeah. Yeah, I would do that as well. So you don't shave around your penal area at all? No, no. It's the dumb thing now.

Yeah, but I'm not really a tidy bloke, am I? Also, you're not in a relationship or anything like that or you're unlikely to get any girl to look at it so there's not really much point see it's weird with you isn't it because you're quite

scruffy outwardly and you've got long hair and sort of scraggly beard yeah but underneath underneath

you have an immaculate penis yeah it is it totally is my penis is immaculate and also you've got to make sure you keep shaving it

once you've started it. It goes back quicker. Keep them all shaved up nice. There are any girls out there who think, oh, I'd rather have airy balls, or I'd rather have a nice smooth sack. Then, if you want a smooth sack, raise them up for you.

Airy balls, you want to be voting Ed. That's Ed. So, that's distracted us. No time to do Ed's amazing births. I think there is time to do Ed's amazing births because a lot of people can go mental how long do you reckon

this will last for this section I don't know what in terms of today or just no in terms of mileage I'm not sure there's much left in it to be honest I think we might have to

bring it back for a few specials but I think if we stop doing it now people will be pissed off but I think it's probably right to stop doing it certainly within the next couple of weeks

well I've got a few things today it's more of a sort of round up from around the world about sort of birth and babies and stuff like that. So what I wanted to talk about first was

you know my technique of Googling. Yes. I just type in something that I wish would happen and then if it has happened I'll read the story out.

And Google of course for our American listeners is an internet search engine. It's like Yahoo. And basically what you do is you type in something you want to

find out about and it searches the internet for you saves your trawling websites yourself yeah exactly I can't believe they've not got that

in there and I have to read everything so that's for our American listeners so this week a couple of things that I googled

that unfortunately no results but I just wanted to share with you the idea baby born with clothes on and I had no results at all no I couldn't because usually it's happened but baby born with clothes on and I had no results at all

no I couldn't because usually it's happened but baby born with clothes on I thought would have been wonderful see in a way that is amazing yeah this is what this section

should have been all along we workshop this section now now we're getting to what this section should be I agree that is amazing that you googled that and got nothing back

nothing back at all and the other thing you googled that I got nothing back nothing back at all and the other thing I googled nothing back a woman gives birth to baby with tits now do you mean that the baby's got a tit

or do you mean the woman does it by squirting him out of her bus desk either one but the main one I was thinking was that

like a little baby came out with a full pair of tits okay yeah you should have rung your mum should have givenung your mum. She'd have given you a story.

Probably sent you pictures of one of me at a swimming pool when I was younger, before I knew to be ashamed of them. So none of that there, unfortunately. Also, going over to America now on the plane, we all know that there was a sad story of the baby put in a bin. Shall we just not talk about that? No, I'm saying I've got the flip side of it now. Hang on, is it going to be baby born

with an head and not put in a bin? No, almost the complete opposite. In America there's been a baby born with a head and it didn't get put in a bin. So how about that amazing birth there? No, some people thought that they found a newborn baby in a bin. So they about that amazing birth there? No, some people thought that they found

a newborn baby in a bin. So they called the police but it was a burrito. Why did they think it was a baby? Because they just saw it and went, oh, that's a baby.

It wasn't, it was a burrito. Burritos look nothing like a baby. Shows you the portion sizes in America, doesn't it? It doesn't matter though, doesn't it? They think it was a fat baby as well. Yeah, they thought

that was a fat baby with a load of guacamole coming out of its head. They're ridiculous. They're a ridiculous race of people. Well, I've got another case of mistaken identity. Let me tell you this, first of all. Speaking of big portions. I had a kebab last night. I got a large doner. Got it out of the packet. It was like a big fish.

It was like an old fish. Wow. You know like a fish when you get a fish before it's had the head and tail cut off? Yeah, yeah. And it's massive. It was like an old fish. Wow. You know like a fish when you get a fish before it's had the head and tail cut off? Yeah, yeah. And it's massive. It was like that. Wow. Massive big fish

but it was a doner kebab. But if I'd have just given you the paper that it was wrapped in and gone, what do you reckon's in there? Yeah. There's no way you'd have said

doner wrap. You'd have said whole fish. You'd have said massive fish. So go on, what's your next one? Another case of mistaken identity. Yeah. Quite unfortunate this one.

There was a woman babysitting for a family. It was like teenage girl babysitting. The parents went out and they called her during the evening just to check that everything was alright. And the babysitter was on the phone and went, Yeah, all fine, all fine, I've put the turkey in the oven. Put the phone down. Don't be fucking stupid!

Right, the parents like, oh no, she's fine. And the mum went, she's just put the turkey in the oven, she said, and the dad went, we've not got a turkey. So they ran home, babysitter's sitting there crying, she's only put the fucking baby in the oven. This is absolute bollocks, that's all shit. That didn't happen in any way, shape or form. I've got a link to it. What do you mean you've got a link to it? I've got a link to the story. Is that one of the ones you've got up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is stupid. But it's sad though, isn't it? No, at what point, right, hang hang on at what point did they I can rip this to shreds quite easily right

and you know it's not true and what's it going to do with births it sort of ends amazing babies this week

oh is it yeah why would she put the turkey in the oven if she hadn't been asked to put a turkey

in the oven well I think maybe because she saw the turkey out no what's what's turkey out the baby

the baby no right I used to babysit when I was younger I didn't go in their house open the fridge and go oh look at all this food they must want want it cooking. And then put it in the oven. Yeah. But maybe, maybe the baby...

Maybe, maybe, it didn't happen Ed. They left the baby on the kitchen surface and put a note saying, put this in, put this in at ten. The meaning, put in bed at ten. But she thought, oh it's just turkey, I'll put that in at ten. Yeah. And at what point, when she put the baby in the oven, did it not start crying? I mean, the thing is,

her parents went upstairs and there was a fucking turkey in the cot. There's no turkey, there's no baby, no babysitter. Something didn't happen. That's America covered. It is, yeah.

That is America completely covered. They cooked a baby. That's our American news this week. Right, Zimbabwe now. Brilliant, I don't know what they do. This is Zimbabwe. Man, and we know that some people do this, man had sex with a goat, got it pregnant.

No, no he didn't. Got it pregnant. No, no, no, no. We know that some people have sex with goats. Human goat baby. It didn't happen. Where are we going next on our play? Oh no, we're still here.

So if you want to just get the link up, because there are pictures of the goat baby. No, there's not. There are. There are pictures. Swear blind. Is it Safari? I'm just opening it.

I think so, yeah. I swear blind is the bottom link there. Right. You will see these pictures and you will be converted. What in God's name is that? It's a goat baby. It explains it in the article. It's not a goat baby.

It's just a goat. It's a goat. It's a poor fucking goat is what it is. But a man got it pregnant. He didn't. What is that then? A special goat. It's a special goat and it's in the bottom set at school.

Watch your next story. That's it. That was supposed to be the big finish. That sounds amazing. Your big finish was a man goat. Yeah, a man got a goat pregnant. Let me see this. I don't want to read it. I don't want to read it. I Yeah, a man got a goat pregnant. Let me see this. I don't want to read it.

I don't want to read it. I mean, I'm looking at the words. I can't... When I look at those words, I feel like I've had a stroke because I can't make them into sentences because my brain's going, you're not reading that.

You're not wasting your time with that. I've not had this word jumbling in my head since it accidentally pipped up one of Jordan's biographies. I'm not reading it. It didnographies. I'm not reading it. Right. It didn't happen. I'm not reading lies.

This section was never going to take off because you're so... You're like Richard Dawkins. Mountains in Barthway. Impregnates goat. Goat delivers half human, half goat. Yeah. Defying signs, the dead human-like being survived for several hours after birth on Sunday, but died later as a shock villagers gathered in rural...

Oh, it's in rural Mabalini 40 miles out of the Midlands town of Guayri what I think is cool about it though to when it's the miracle it's a village

that skin is what's happened it's a village that's skin they've found a pregnant goat they've gone let's go and kick that pregnant goat let's go and keep

kicking it and then when the baby comes out it'll be all fucked up and we'll crack on it's Jesus right and get all tourists

and that over here and get a bit of money and it's come out and they go, actually, that really looks like a human, half human goat.

Right, where's Stan? Stan, come over here. And Stan's going, yeah? He's like, Stan,

do you want to be in the papers? Yeah. Right, Stan, we're going to tell him that you fucked a goat. I did anyway. Yeah,

no, we know you did, but we're going to say that you got him pregnant. I am a dad now. No, Stan, it's not real, but we're going to, no, Stan, yes, it is real. Right to say that he got it pregnant. Oh, my dad, no. No, Stan, it's not real. But we're going to...

No, Stan, yes, it is real. And they've got him, but crack on the other sex with a goat. I mean, what villager went, that's that goat. I fucked. Yeah, but what I'm saying is that it's quite good he can get out of it. Because when people say, do you have any children? They go, yeah, I've got one kid. Thanks for listening.

thanks for listening Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble all music by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one which is performed by Frank Seidhorton

the Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by chortle.co.uk see you next week why are you going about knocking children about these days a ready production hosted by chortle.co.uk See you next week. Why are you going about knocking children about these days?

Oh, no, I don't, didn't want to particularly talk about this. What are we talking about? I'm not having that like you did yesterday on the tube. Alright.

Assaulted a child? No, I head-butted a little girl. Oh, sorry, that's a different thing, isn't it? You assaulted a child? Yeah, well,

it was an accident. Yep. Oh, I say that, I didn't like the look of her. Yeah, exactly, and you head-butted a girl, a little girl, didn't you? Basically, I was bending down to kiss her, well, it was an accident. Yeah. Well, I say that. I didn't like the look of her. Yeah, exactly. And you headbutted a girl, a little girl, didn't you? Basically, I was bending down

to kiss her, right, and then I tripped over. And that's the end of that story. I'm not, I'm not, do you know what? I'm not even going to explain it. That is it. That is a fact

that Ed headbutted a little girl. No, I've got to explain it. Ed headbutted a little girl on the tube yesterday. That's the end of the story. No, don't. We might tell you next week.