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This is a statement from the Independent Podcast Complaints Commission.
On the 22nd of June 2009, the Peacock and Gamble podcast made a claim that frogs do not exist.
Furthermore, Ray Peacock claimed in the same episode that anyone who said they had seen a
frog was a fucking idiot. Upon investigation, the IPCC finds these claims unfounded and not
without malice. Accordingly, the 14 million complaints received have been upheld,
and the Peacock and Gamble podcast has been instructed to issue a full apology in the following episode.
And frogs do exist anyway.
I saw one on the school trip to Wales.
Well, Mark Pearson saw it and told us about it, but why would he lie?
She'll be fucking lucky.
I don't think that's going to happen anyway.
Because it is now time for the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
I am Ray Peacock. Hello.
Hello. I'm Ed Gamble now.
Oh, by the way, here's an interesting thing.
This week's podcast, there's only Ed on it.
That is true, right?
Because I am on my holidays.
He's gone on your holiday.
Yeah, I'm on... Right now, when you're listening to this, I'm on my holidays, mate.
So there's only Ed on it this week.
Are you having a nice time?
I'm having a lovely time, actually.
I thought the heat would bother me and it's not.
Where are you?
In the shade.
I'm in the shade reading my book.
Yeah, I do that on holiday as well. I am doing... You're not on holiday, mate. You're... Come on, In the shade. I'm in the shade reading my book. Yeah, I do that on holiday as well.
I'm doing...
You're not on holiday, mate.
Come on, present the podcast.
All right, well, hello.
Unfortunately, Ray isn't here this week
because he is on his holidays.
Oh, it's lovely here.
But we're going to power through.
We've got some lovely guests coming up
and we're going to have a nice chat
and forget Ray was ever here, really.
Is my knickerbocker glory going to arrive in a minute?
Hey, tell you where I am on my holidays at. Where? America. Is that true or not? Yeah, I'm on my holidays
in America now. Whereabouts America? I can't remember now. California, is it? Or New York,
I think. And what are you doing there? Just sitting down. Yeah? Yeah. Watching. I'll be
honest with you, right? Because it's just me and you talking, even though I'm not here.
I'm actually looking at girls' busters.
American bastards.
Yeah, American busters.
They're in the swimming pool in front of me, but I'm in the shade.
Yeah.
So they're not noticing me so much.
And have you got mirror sunglasses on so you can look at them without them noticing?
Yeah, and a book in front of my face as well.
With holes cut out.
No, just looking over the top of it.
Don't be stupid.
Why would I cut holes out of it?
But I'm having a nice time on me on this. Sorry, I'm interrupting you. You're doing your podcast. Yeah, I'm getting on with the podcast. Okay, have a nice top of it. Don't be stupid. Why did I cut holes out of it? But I'm having a nice time on my own.
Sorry, I'm interrupting you.
You're doing your podcast.
Yeah, I'm getting on with the podcast.
Okay, have a nice time on it.
We've got lots of things coming up this week.
We've got another complaints letter, of course.
Do you want some duty free?
Yeah, can I have a big Toblerone?
Yeah, I'll get that for you. All right, thank you.
Anyway, we'll just get on with the podcast now.
We've got, yeah, complaint letters.
We've got lots of chat about things I've been up to.
Like I say, Ray can't be here. He's on his holidays. Yeah, I'm on my own We've got lots of chat about things I've been up to. Like I say,
Ray can't be here.
He's on his holidays.
Yeah, I'm on my own.
Don't forget that.
So don't forget that.
He'll be sorely missed,
but he'll be back next week
with a lovely tan
and a sombrero
and a straw horse
with a bell round its neck.
Do you know that my,
you know when he talks
about my shower being broke?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think.
Was it the first episode or the second episode?
It was an early one.
Around then, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was.
It was in the past, anyway.
It's only just been fixed.
Right.
And I've not had a shower for six weeks.
Yeah, I was going to say.
I have now.
I've had one now.
Yeah.
Because they just kept sending loads and loads of blokes round.
Oh.
To not fix it.
Right.
The man came...
The second man came, you know, after the first ones came to assess it.
Yeah.
The second one came.
That's right.
And he went in there.
I've got two bathrooms.
I'm not showing off.
I've got two bathrooms.
And it's the one in the en suite.
I'm not showing off, right?
But it's the shower in the en suite.
There's a shower in the other bathroom as well, but it's not a standing shower.
And the other bathroom, of course, is Ed's bathroom.
Essentially Ed's bathroom.
I've got the en suite in the bedroom and Ed's got Ed's
bathroom. So I'd feel weird using
his shower anyway. But yours isn't
like an electric shower enough.
It's just attached to the tap. Just a little handheld one.
But it's very powerful though. It's nice and that.
So they sent another bloke round
who is from the people that make the shower.
And he went into the en suite.
I was in the living room. And he was in there for
I reckon 35 minutes. Was he having a shit? I don't know why he was doing that. But en suite, right? I was in the living room. And he was in there for, I reckon, 35 minutes.
Was he having a shit?
I don't know why he was doing it, right?
For about 35 minutes, right?
Yeah.
And then he just came through and he went, all done.
I went, okay, all cool, right?
He went, yeah, just need a signature.
I went, all right.
And I went, what have you done to it?
He went, well, I've tested it.
Can't find anything wrong with it.
I went, right.
But it has been tested already and it is broke.
He went, yeah, no, that's fine.
But you see, the problem is as well, is when it's been put in, you put the wires on the wrong side, so it's not actually under guarantee. And I went, right. He went, yeah, no, that's fine. But you see, the problem is as well is when it's been put in,
to put the wires on the wrong side
so it's not actually
under guarantee.
I went, right.
He went, yeah,
I should need a signature.
He couldn't do that.
That's what he was doing.
I was going,
I'm not signing that.
You've not done nothing.
And he went,
all right.
And then went.
And that was the end of it.
So he didn't fix it.
I was really cross about that.
And then another man came
and he did fix it.
But honestly,
it was a nice bloke in that. It was a Welsh bloke. But I had to persuade him't fix it. I was really cross about that. And then another man came and he did fix it. But honestly, it was a nice bloke in that.
It was a Welsh bloke.
But I had to persuade him to fix it once he got here.
Because my house, you've not been to my house, most of you,
but I do have, like, toys knocking about and that.
And sort of movie memorabilia and that sort of stuff.
In Ed's room.
Yeah, Ed's room, the living room.
There's a lot of movie memorabilia and DVDs and all the rest of it. But this bloke who came in, I reckon he's about 45, maybe 50.
And you've never seen anything like it. But this bloke who came in, I reckon he was about 45, maybe 50, and you've never seen
anything like it.
Because I forget
that it's all here
because I'm used to it
in my surroundings.
But he was like
a little wide-eyed child.
He just came in
and went,
oh, look at that.
Oh, look at that.
Oh, did you make all this?
Did you make this
Star Wars stuff?
Did you make it?
And I went,
no, I didn't make it.
I bought it.
Oh, that's brilliant,
isn't it?
Look at that.
And he went,
oh, no, I like that. I like that laurel and hardy there right because i've got
all the laurel and hardy dvds but they've got little two little laurel and hardy sort of molded
figures in front of them right they're pretty expensive and stuff and it took me a long time
to get them but they're really really nice i went oh i like them and he went i've uh i've got some
laurel and hardy stuff at home i uh oh i love laurel and hardy is my best one i love laurel
i absolutely love laurel and hardy i don't i don't like anything I love Laurel and Hardy. It's my best one. I love Laurel and Hardy. I absolutely love
Laurel and Hardy.
I don't like anything
better than Laurel and Hardy.
Right?
Which he then disproved
by going,
I've got these statues,
right?
I've got one, right?
Where they're
leaning on a lamppost.
And what it is, right?
The fat one, right?
The fat one is
just leaning on the books,
right?
And I was like,
let me stop you there.
Your favourite thing and you're referring to him as the fat one. You don't even know the name. The fat one, I's just leading on in books, right? And I was like, let me stop you there. Your favourite thing, and you're referring to him as the fat one.
You don't even know the name.
The fat one, I don't know his name.
I don't know which is which, right?
So then...
Right?
So then I was going, I'll join in.
I went, oh yeah, they're the things I'm spending the most money on at the moment.
Right, and pointed to my comics.
Yeah.
Right, the hardcover comics.
Now, he obviously had no interest in them.
Because he looked at them
for about a minute
and went
ooh
Ultimate Spider-Man
and I went
yeah he doesn't know
nothing about that
no I love
Spider-Man
he's my best one
the red one
the red face
the red face
with the blue trim
and he squirts all that
water out of his
oh I love that one
that's my best one
I think
so then he was going
oh it must have cost you
a fortune
all this must have cost you a fortune and I was like well yeah it's my best one, I think. So then he was going, oh, it must have cost you a fortune,
all this must cost you a fortune.
And I was like, well, yeah,
but it's been over the years,
and I don't sort of splash out too much.
He went, oh, I tell you what,
you'll be worth a fortune in a few years.
You'll be worth a fortune, you will,
when it all accumulates,
you'll be worth a fortune in a few years.
And I went, yeah, I'll be worth a fortune, but without a fucking shower.
And he always had a little moment where he went,
oh, yeah, that's why I'm here. For a moment there, I thought I'd come to a fucking shower. And he always had a little moment where he went, oh yeah, that's why I'm here.
For a moment there
he thought I'd come
to a toy museum.
But then as he was leaving,
as he walked through
the door to go
into the ensuite,
he noticed that up there,
it's the evil monkey
from Family Guy.
It's a model
of the evil monkey.
It's pretty big.
It's fur lined and that.
It was a bit of an impulse
by him anyway.
Now he spotted that,
right? And honestly, he gasped a bit
and he just went
oh
evil monkey
right
and I went yeah yeah
I was getting a bit impatient at this point
but I was still enjoying how
I mean I've had like children come here
like friends and family and that
and I like seeing how much they love all the toys.
But I do say, get away from it, it's not a toy!
But he was like that, but he was a grown man.
I went, oh, evil monkey!
And then he turned to me again and he went,
oh, I love the family me.
I've got them all.
I've got them all on DVD, the family.
It's my absolute favourite, the family, right?
My favourite character is the fat one, Oliver Hardy, I think his name is.
Absolutely love him.
I practically had to get up and guide him out of the room.
Just going, go and fix my shower.
And eventually, right?
Essentially, I bribed him.
And I went, tell you what, mate, when you fix that shower,
I'll show you my big job at the Upp.
Oh, I would love to see that. Oh, well, you go and fix that shower mate, when you fix that shower, I'll show you my big jab of the up. Oh I would love to see that, oh wow, you go and fix that shower.
You go and fix that shower.
But honestly, I was going, will you go and fix it?
And he went, oh the muppet show.
And I went, no, no, come away, come away, go and fix that shower and I'll show you the
bit.
And he goes, I can't wait.
And I'm not, honestly, I'm not exaggerating it.
Or I'm not making him into a caricature.
This is really what he's like.
He's going, as he walked off through the hall he's going, I can't wait to see the big jab
of the up.
And I started going, I'm letting him's going oh I can't wait to see the big jabbadoo and I started going
I'm letting him
do stuff with my
electricity
I got a text
off my mum
the other night
at about midnight
okay
worried me straight away
yeah would do
if you get a family text
at that time of night
yeah now if your mum calls you at midnight something's up innit yeah well not for. Yeah, it would do. Because if you get a family text at that time of night, and if your mum calls
you at midnight, something's up, innit? Yeah.
Well, not for you, because your mum would just call over the landing
and say, Ed, you have left the landing light
on again, because you live with your mum. But I don't
live with my mum, I haven't done for ages, right? So I got this text
and I read it, and this is what it said, right?
And don't forget, I've just woke up, so I'm a bit hazy in that.
Yeah. And it said, Del
Miss Ray Say
90. Right? And I was like, what on earth's and it said Del Miss Ray Say 90 right
and I was like
what on earth
what does that mean
she'd had a fall
and fallen onto the keypad
yeah and she was
desperately trying to text me
so I texted back
going
I've literally
no idea what that means
and then she texted me
back again going
on the podcast
the deliberate mistake
is the 90s
and I was like
what am I getting competition entries from my mum at midnight?
At midnight.
On my own phone.
I've had friends text me at 8am with competition entries.
Right, well, shall we say now?
Yeah.
If you want to enter the competition, do it on the Facebook page, please.
Don't do it to our personal phones.
Yeah.
In fact, any entries given to us either on our individual Facebook pages
or given over texts onto our personal mobile telephones are disqualified.
Right, okay.
And while we're disqualifying sort of text times, I want to say to you, don't ever text me at 2.41 in the morning.
You're always criticising me for texting you.
Yeah, because it's upsetting when I'm trying to sleep on someone's floor.
Yeah, and I'm trying to maintain a friendship.
Yeah, well, it's not maintaining a friendship.
I keep in touch with my friends, mate. Yeah, and I'm trying to maintain a friendship. Yeah, well it's not maintaining a friendship. I keep in touch with my
friends, mate. Yeah. I text them all up.
Okay, just a warning, if he ever becomes friends with you,
his idea of keeping in touch with you
is texting you at 2.41 in the morning
with things like, I'm watching
the reader and there are loads of busters
and pubes in it. Well, there were loads of busters and pubes
in it. Yeah, well keep that to yourself and tell me
at lunchtime the next day. No, that's,
we don't go to school together, that's the sort of thing that we would share, that. And secondly, straight away after that to yourself and tell me at lunchtime the next day. No, we don't go to school together.
That's the sort of thing that we would share, that.
And secondly, straight away after that text,
I thought, he won't text me again because I'm not going to text back.
He texted me with,
have you got an older sister who can lend us 13 grand to make an album?
I don't know why I even bother having these ideas.
Yeah, well, I think you should just keep them as ideas.
When I stay up late at night and try and work out ideas for things to make us all famous and that,
and things that we can do in our careers are a little bit different, I don't know why I bother doing it.
Yeah, well, I think maybe stop doing it.
The point of the matter is, is last week's deliberate mistake, if you're interested, was that we talked about Silk Cup.
I wrote a letter to Silk Cup.
Ed said their address was 1 London, and it's not.
That's not where they're based, it's all that.
I can't believe anyone fell for that.
Yeah, I can't believe you fell for it.
It isn't that at all.
Their head office is in Weybridge in Surrey. So based on that. I can't believe anyone fell for that. Yeah, I can't believe you fell for it. It isn't that at all. The head office is in
Weybridge and Surrey.
So that's that.
I'll tell you what,
they've really got to
be on their toes to
pick out the
deliberate mistakes
from the jokes,
haven't they?
No point making it
easy, mate.
So anyway, if you
got that right,
then you win
Trolley Dash.
Basically, what you
have to do is go
down your local
supermarket.
Any supermarket.
I mean, I would
advise you to go to
a Waitrose or Marks and Spencers or something like that.
You might as well get your money's worth here.
Basically, just get a trolley.
We can't give you the pound for the trolley.
You'd have to invest that yourself.
But you get it back anyway, don't you?
So get that.
Get a trolley.
Go around.
Just fill it up.
There's no time limit.
Nothing like that.
Just fill it up with all the stuff that you want, right?
And then when you get to the tills at the end, that's when you do the dash.
That is when you do the trolley dash right peg it right get you get your head down and bum it through there
then you can keep all that what are you doing what are you doing i What? What are you doing? I wish I'd written you a postcard.
From my holiday.
Oh, that'd be lovely.
To Ed.
Having a nice holiday.
Hope you are alright.
Wish you visited for one day, but not for the whole thing.
Why aren't I invited, anyway?
What?
Why aren't I invited?
Because it's holiday, innit? Right. So am I a chore? You're not a the whole thing. Why aren't I invited anyway? What? Why aren't I invited?
Because it's holiday, innit?
Right.
So am I a chore?
You're not a chore, no.
Well, you're a part of my work.
Yeah.
You're involved in my work.
I don't like a nice holiday.
Yeah, no, but we have holidays, really.
Yeah, that's true.
In the days, don't we? We go out for things like sushi and that.
Yeah.
We have a go and have a nice day in London.
Yeah, but I want to go away to England with you.
Well, no, the thing is, mate, is I'm in England on my holiday.
Right? No, it's more of a proper getaway thing. From med? Just me and, well, not from you per se, but just from work and work stuff. Oh. So I'm just, I'm not doing any work. My
phone's going to be off. Is it? My phone is off now. It's off now because I'm on my
holiday now. Oh, I wanted to text you. I wanted to text you to tell you how well
the podcast is going.
Well, just tell me
about it now.
All right, it's going
really well, mate.
Okay, cool.
I'll text you now.
And I'm not taking
my computer or nothing
like that.
I'm not doing any work.
I'm having a proper
holiday.
I've got two birds
with me.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
I've got two of my
birds, mate, going with
me.
Yeah.
So that'll be all
right, won't it?
Yeah.
Just get one stone
right.
Yeah.
So while I'm here on
my holidays, and you're back holding the fort yeah doing
the old podcast you've got to do like that posh lady said at the beginning what she said you've
got to do apology oh there's a 40 million complaints cannot wait for well no you've got
to do it in this episode that's what dipcc said right okay so i can't really contribute to it
because i'm on the old days aren't i even though i was part of the problem yeah well you were you
were sort of mainly the problem well that's i i maintain i've never and no one sent
us what no one sent us pictures of them with a frog right but i maintain you're now making it
more difficult for me to apologize well no you do apology but i still maintain frogs don't exist
get me posh lady speaking old posh doesn't mean that frog exists
don't think you can just wheel out a posh lady mate and say
they're going to
do an apology now
shh
stop making fun
of the lady
off the IPCC
that doesn't
that doesn't mean
that that means
frog exists
doesn't
right well I'm
going to do an
apology now
a proper heartfelt
one and I
apologise for
everything Ray
has just said
there from his
holidays
right
hello
hello
posh lady
off the beginning
of it
I think you
apologise to the
audience though
all right hello 14 million complaints hello record 14 million that is a record for the ipcc yeah
actually one is a record for the ipcc right hello audience and ipcc i'm posh lady off the beginning
of the podcast do you remember that bit i do well you know when we said that frogs didn't exist
right don't if you hear? They don't. Shh!
Don't, if you hear a voice,
don't worry, it's Ray,
he's on his holiday,
so he is too relaxed for doing an apology.
He is on the lounger
with a cocktail
with an umbrella in it
and sunglasses
that flick up and down.
And deedy boppers.
And deedy boppers.
I cannot wear them at all.
Yeah, and one flip-flop
because he lost the other one
at Lineker's the night before,
when he was running after a girl on the dance floor and slipped on an aftershock.
Anyway, hello.
Hello.
No, not you.
Oh, I'm on the audience, sorry.
Right, so we are very sorry that we said frogs don't exist.
Of course they do.
It was only yesterday that I had a Freddo.
And how could we have a Freddo if frogs
didn't? Where would you get the mould from for
the Freddo and caramel Freddo?
So don't worry about that. I think caramel Freddos
are my best ones. Alright, well there you go.
You shouldn't like them if you are anti-frog.
It's a drawing of a frog. No,
it is a picture. It's not a picture.
We all know that a Freddo is a photo of a frog
and we all like a Freddo. So come on
everyone, don't go saying that.
Frogs don't exist.
And of course, we apologise to the families of those who lost people in Frog 9-11.
Of course, they did jump out of the building, but they landed all right.
And it was just, it was the fire truck that ran them over.
So people say the firemen are the heroes, but do you know how many frogs they run over on that day so don't don't you go around saying that oh it was the firemen who were the
real heroes right because they killed more frogs than they saved people here's the thing now right
i know i'm on my old days but i'm gonna just come back for a minute all right i don't want
there to be an ipcc statement before every single podcast we do.
What's wrong with what I just said?
Well, you just slagged off the 9-11 firemen.
No, I'm just saying it was an accident,
but they did kill more frogs than people they saved.
No, you can't say that as a fact.
See, we can do the frog thing,
because that's obviously a joke.
But you can't now,
to people who have lost their lives.
All right, allegedly.
No, not even allegedly.
No, not at all.
Do you know what?
I'm certain that none of the 9-11 firemen, right?
You know, the ones that were dealing with it that day,
many of whom lost their lives in that.
I'm not going to...
Not them ones, the ones who are still alive.
Oh, right.
Well, the ones that can sue.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, it'd be better off saying the ones that, you know, sadly died.
Alright, the dead ones.
Yeah.
No, but don't say either of them.
Right.
Because, anyway, how could they have run over a frog?
Frogs don't exist.
So what Eddie's saying is completely wrong.
So I apologise for the 9-11 thing.
It can't be right because frogs don't exist.
How could they run over frogs?
Thank you.
So is that our apology?
Yeah.
Outright, our apology is this.
Right?
Right.
Oh, we're really sorry about last week's podcast if it upset you.
But the fact of the matter is the firemen from the World Trade Centre
didn't do anything wrong
because they didn't
run over any frogs
because frogs don't exist.
So if you say
that frogs exist
you're slagging off
the servicemen and women
who lost their lives
brilliant, brilliant, brilliant
on the 9th
on the 11th
not even that
not even that
you're slagging off
all of them
yep
if you say
that frogs exist you are slagging off all of them. Yeah. If you say that frogs exist,
you are slagging off every fireman,
firewoman, policeman, policewoman,
ambulance man, ambulance woman, doctor,
all the good people.
Yeah.
You are slagging them all off.
Yeah.
If you say that frogs exist.
By the argument that Ed has just put forward,
which I can't at the moment properly remember what he said,
but go and listen to it again, again right if you say that frogs exist and we're very sorry for saying that they don't but they don't but we are sorry about it but they don't but if you are saying
that they exist then you are tarnishing the memory yeah of the brave people who lost their lives
fighting in disasters and that yeah because you won't have it, but frogs don't exist.
Yeah.
Let's see the IPCCC wriggle out of that one.
That's too many Cs.
Hello, I'm Maureen from Driving School's Husband.
I know what you're thinking.
I'm a bit of an out-of-date reference.
But that doesn't mean I can't listen to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
And when I find someone who doesn't listen to it, this is what I say.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Remember that?
Whoa!
Lulu here.
Tell you what does make me want to shout.
When I listen to the Peacock and Gamble podcast,
I want to shout to everyone I've listened to it as well as me.
Well, I'm Scottish in real life.
Remember we were in London the other day and we tried on them jackets?
Yeah.
I want one of them.
Right, they're the same.
Because we went to a leather retail shop.
Yeah.
They were leather cowboy jackets with tassels on them.
We tried them on as a joke.
And that often happens in those situations
because that happened with my hat as well.
I've got a hat that I wear.
I tried on as a joke and went, that is too fucking cool and suits me too much.
I'm buying it for £40 in John Lewis's.
Right?
But these jackets were £95.
Yeah.
Down from £200, apparently.
It was like a retail outlet.
I think they'd had a slow day.
Yeah, a very little slow year.
They were desperate to sell us those jackets, even though we tried them on as a joke.
Well, when we walked out from the shop, the man, the boss who was watching the other man
trying to sell us the stuff, when we walked out from the shop the man, the boss who was watching the other man trying to sell us
the stuff, when we
walked out without
anything he went
pffft.
His face did
crumple didn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
When he saw that
we didn't buy
an offering.
And I'll be honest
I was tempted.
I was tempted by
those jackets as well.
But only if we
both have one.
Oh yeah, we've
got to both have
one and walk
around London.
Yeah, definitely.
Over the hands
and all.
And then people
think we're gay
because we've
got too much.
With our cowboy
jackets on.
I also like the fact that they were sort of forcing leather jackets on us.
The little man who was sort of serving me.
And he literally wedged me into one.
It was like he was trying to push a cake into a balloon.
It was like he got a birthday cake, full size birthday cake,
and a little balloon and gone, I can get this in here.
And he was pushing me into it
and I was going,
mate,
this is clearly
dramatically too small for me.
He's going,
no, no, no,
no,
leather stretches,
leather stretches.
But I don't mind
that leather stretches.
I'm like,
yeah,
but I don't want it
to stretch,
I don't want it
to be skin tight.
Take it off
and there's the impression
of your man boobs.
Yeah, exactly.
I'll take it off
and I've still got the jacket on
just folded into my skin.
But I was feeling
all self-conscious
about being too fat
into these jackets.
I tried one on
that was too big for me
which was brilliant.
That was an amazing feeling.
But then I looked across the shop
because I thought
you'd gone out
for a cigarette or something.
And I looked across the shop
and I saw you
with another man.
Right?
And he was putting you
into what can only be described
as a village people waistcoat.
That leather waistcoat
that he'd essentially
forced you into.
Well, he made...
I tried to...
I was putting on, again,
as a joke.
Yeah.
But it didn't quite work out
that I looked good in it.
Yeah, but I think the thing is
that I think they thought
if we can get this on this lad,
he won't get it off again.
Yeah.
He's got to buy it.
You try, you buy.
Well, yeah, and I tried putting it on and I put one arm in and I was thinking, that's
too small. Suddenly I felt this presence behind me of this man pulling half of it off and
going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Put your arm down, put your arm down. And like, bent
my arm in a position that it shouldn't go. Practically dislocated my shoulder and slipped
this thing on. It took about ten minutes. You looked overated my shoulder and slipped this thing on. Yeah.
It took about ten minutes.
You looked over.
And that's when I looked over?
Red-faced and sweaty
trying to get a
village people jacket on.
I still think it suited you.
Yeah, but then when
he turned me around
and tried to zip it up
he did then relent
and go,
no, that is now too small.
Yeah, I am essentially
assaulting you.
Went in the back
to get a Vaseline
for getting me out of it.
Which brings us back onto our complaint letters section hooray we write letters of complaints to companies in order to get some free stuff yeah now we have to start this unfortunately
with another apology which is i'm not i mean i'm fed up with doing apologies already with the frog
thing which by the way i still don't buy don't but this apology this week
is because
last week apparently
we're not supposed to make jokes
about a little boy with cancer
and people get all upset about it
and so
but he's not a real boy
well A he's not a real boy
and B
some children have got it
yeah
right
yeah now I think we should stick with
my line of apology
bit of drama in it, innit?
It adds a bit of drama to it all, doesn't it?
Rather than just being all, oh, ha-ha, laugh, laugh, laugh.
The thing is, we invented Fraser, right?
Yeah.
So, oh, oh, look, look, everyone.
Fraser's just been eaten by a dog.
Yeah.
Do that if we want.
Yeah, we invented Fraser, right?
Oh, look, everyone, Fraser.
Oh, look, I'm having sex with Fraser.
Oh, and I've come round the other end and doing high fives over the top.
Yeah, do you know what?
Right, even that, though.
I think that might get complaints as well.
Because we're saying we invented him.
But I would argue that a couple
in a loving relationship,
who are married or whatever,
when they have a child,
they essentially invent that child.
Yeah.
That doesn't then warrant...
Spit roasting.
Spit roasting said child. That's true doesn't then warrant... Spit roasting. Spit roasting said child.
That's true.
And high fiving over it.
So that was a dream sequence.
Yeah.
So we are sorry if that is offensive.
Yeah, that didn't happen just then.
That what you just did then didn't happen.
It was a dream sequence.
Anyway, I have done another letter.
Have you?
Yeah, and I know...
Isn't it my turn?
Yeah, it is your turn, right?
But listen, like I said last week, I've got to learn how to do it.
Right.
Right?
Now, I listened back to the podcast last week.
I took on board your notes.
Yeah.
That you said about it.
And I now see what I did wrong.
Right.
And what was that?
What it is, I didn't apportion blame to the company I was complaining to.
Okay.
You see?
So they were then under no obligation to send me free stuff.
Right.
So I went back and listened to your other letter that you did the week before. Okay. You see, so they were then under no obligation to send me free stuff. Right. So I went back and listened to your other letter that you did the week before. Yeah.
And now I think I've got a better idea about how to do it. Okay. So I have got, here's
my letter now. Right. Right. Dear Vimto, my son Fraser loves your drink and drinks it
up every day in between his treatment. Imagine his and mine's horror then when he opened up the bottle of his Daily Vimto
today, only to find there was a bomb
in it.
This could be very dangerous
and I look forward to your reply.
I might go to papers about it.
Love, Mrs Fraser.
That is all right now, isn't it?
Now I'm getting the idea now, aren't I?
Yeah, you're definitely back on the right track.
Not too happy you stuck with the cancer thing.
Well, it's more of a suggestion of it.
It alludes to it.
Right, it does allude to it, yeah.
Now, the whole bomb thing.
Yeah, that would be...
I think if I had a product, right,
and then if somebody found a bomb in it,
I would definitely give them some free ones.
Yeah, but what they often ask for
is for you to send the faulty product back to them.
Right.
And that is not believable as a thing, is it?
Why don't I say, then then that Fraser drank the bomb?
And then when, and we forgot to get it out of his poo later on.
Right, okay.
And flushed it down the toilet.
Right, okay.
So they'll have to take our word for it.
Yeah, but they'll probably think...
Can I have some free Vento, please?
Right, but the thing is...
I didn't say that.
No, no, but it's good not to say it.
I threatened them.
You threatened them, and that's good.
If you threaten to go to the papers and speak to the press,
then they're likely to send you free stuff.
Yeah.
I just think this whole bomb thing is probably a little bit too unbelievable
for them to send you free stuff.
Okay, well, do yours then.
No, it was really good.
No, do yours then.
I thought that it'd just be better if I did one every week,
but just do yours.
All right, all right, forget my one.
My one's cancelled, right?
Forget my one.
We'll do yours, and then I will do a new one next week. Are you going to enjoy my one? Yeah, I'm going to learn from it. Right, alright, forget my one. My one's cancelled, right? Forget my one. We'll do yours and then I will do a new one next week.
Are you going to enjoy my one? Yep.
I'm going to learn from it. Right, okay.
And then I will write a new one. Don't worry, listeners, I will
write a new one next week. Don't you worry
about that. Okay, now here's my
lesson now. Okay, this is the real one.
Dear Rick Reicycle,
care of Kellogg's.
Good evening, Rick. I hope this letter
has reached you in space.
Unfortunately, this is not good news.
I recently purchased a Kellogg's variety pack for my son, Fraser,
as he enjoys the feeling of cereal on his mouth and tongue and throat, bracket, taste.
However, when he cracked into the rice-icles box, bracket, previously his favourite,
the sight that greeted him immediately made him physically vomit.
There were too many ricicles in the packet.
Now, I know you're thinking, surely that's a good thing.
You've probably had to wipe the condensation of anger and shock
away from your space helmet.
However, Fraser seems to think that the reason there were so many
is that they have been breeding.
He is concerned that they have put together an army to attack him.
A deep-rooted fear he has had ever since a box of Frosties fell on him at a fate.
I'm not quite sure how to put his mind at rest.
I've enclosed the offending army, and it would be great if you could remove some, reseal, and send back.
Also, if you could send something to remind Fraser that this isn't happening across all
ricicles, that would be wonderful.
Thank you, Mrs Fraser.
Right, I get that.
Right, that is funny and that.
Right, but I don't...
Why is...
Well, why is my bum so unbelievable?
Yet you're one about an army living in a ricicle packet.
No, because the complaint is that there's too many ricicles in there.
So that's believable.
And that it's made Fraser think that they're breeding.
So we need to pin things on Fraser more.
So you could say, oh, we found a little ball in there.
Something.
A ball in the Vimto.
Yeah, well, just something more believable than a bomb.
There was a ball in the Vimto and Fraser thought it was a bomb.
Ball's probably not that good.
Why?
A bubble.
There will be a bubble.
Right, all right. Dear? What? A bubble. There will be a bubble. A bubble, yeah. Right, all right.
Dear, right, hang on.
Dear Victor, my son Fraser loves your drink
and drinks it up every day
in between his treatment.
Imagine this is a Manzaro disc
that when opening the bottle
of his dead Victor today,
he found a bubble.
This could be very dangerous
and I look forward to your reply.
I might go to papers about it.
Love, Mrs Fraser.
No.
Bring it on.
The thing is, you've got to say...
Bring it on, the Coca-Cola company or whoever makes it. Is it Schweppes? Yeah, fine, send it. Love Mrs Fraser. No. Bring it on. The thing is, you've got to say... Bring it on to Coca-Cola Company or whoever makes it.
Is it Schweppes?
Yeah, fine, send it.
Alright, thanks. performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies,
except the last one,
which is performed by Frank Sidebottom.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast
is a big and dark production
hosted by chortle.co.uk.
If you spotted a deliberate mistake
in this week's show,
tell us on our Facebook page
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See you next week.
I know something I bet you don't know.
What?
Right, listen to this.
This is brilliant, right?
I was up late and I was thinking about you.
Yeah?
Guess what your name would be if there was no D's in it.
What?
E-Y-W-Y. That is weird, isn't it? no D's in it? What? E-Wah-Woo-Wah.
That is weird, isn't it?
Is it? Would it?
If you didn't have any D's in your name,
it would be E-Wah-Woo-Wah.
And that's Edward Woodward, isn't it?
And that is that joke about Edward Woodward,
isn't it, that everyone does?