The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 40

Episode Date: October 27, 2019

"Episode 40" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 40 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hello and welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. This is Ray Peacock. Hello, I'm not here without Gamble. He's probably at home playing PS3. Basically what's happened is this has now turned into a 40th episode special. Unplanned special, which is going to be all deleted scenes. Stuff that didn't actually make it into the podcast the last time around,

so, you know, not as good stuff. Basically, what's happened is we recorded a new podcast last week when I've gone to edit it today. It's coming out buzzing. In fact, you might even be able to hear buzzing on this now

because I'm recording it with the same mics. And I don't mean buzzing as in, like, a good Manchester club. I mean buzzing as in fucking annoying noise as if we've got love eggs

in when we're talking. So it's a compilation. You'll get the idea if you've heard before. If you've not heard before, don't start with this one. Don't listen to this one first. Hopefully All Being Well will be back next week. But it's looking, got to admit, at the moment, kind of unlikely. It's now Saturday night and the only day we can record is Sunday night.

And this isn't going to get sorted out by tomorrow night. I've been trying all day to sort out the mics, but it's not looking good. We can't even find out what is actually wrong, whether it's the mics, whether it's the iMic, whether it's the Mac. We don't know what it is. We've tried to narrow it down, but so far, it's proving bafflesome. My personal theory is that Ed has knocked a glass of water over the mics

and not told me. But for the time being, enjoy the compilation, and we'll see you as soon as possible. If any of our listeners watched the media stand-up on the telly the other night, they probably noticed that diet didn't work. How committed to it were you? Relatively. Diet-wise, completely.

I ate healthy food. I know that certainly the night before you were on telly, you told me that you got an Indian takeaway. Well, I got an Indian takeaway because I hadn't had a meal. Right. But as it turned out, I still didn't have a meal. I didn't have a big Indian takeaway. I mean, what I wanted was a mixed kebab,

which is all properly cooked meat. Not doner kebab, like properly cooked meat within a chapati thing. Yeah. Is that what it's called? Or a naan. I like naan if you want. Which I've had before,

which is quite nice. And when they brought it, basically they brought me a chapati or a naan with a shit in it. And a little shit. Only a little one. Like, yeah, okay.

I don't know what you mean. Little shit, like Ian Wright. He's a little shit, isn't he? He is though, Ian Wright, and he's a little shit.

We haven't just been watching live from Studio 5. Yeah, yeah. What is that? Yeah, it's funny, though. Is it, though? I find it really funny, because it's just three idiots talking over each other. Ian Wright just called a black man chocolate face on it.

Yeah, he did, yeah. Is that allowed? I don't think so. I don't think it's allowed at all. No. If you had Richard Madeley's revolting offspring on there. Lisping away through it. Yeah.

You know, I'm from Studio 5. They're off the apprentice. That's what she's called. Kate. Fit one off the apprentice. And Ian Wright in the middle. I mean, talking absolute guff. And it's not even intelligent.

Talk about a cunt sandwich with slag bread. Pretty much, yeah. Yeah. That is a cunt sandwich with slag bread. That is, yeah. That is a cunt sandwich with slag bread. That is what Life from Studio 5 is. Yeah. I mean, proper idiots. Yeah.

They were talking about Pete Doherty or something, because Pete Doherty was on it. He was a cock on it as well. Yeah, spat his beer all over Mindy. All over Mindy. Was it Mindy? Mindy. Mindy.

And she was rubbish. Yeah. I mean, to be honest with you, I think Life from Studio 5 is a legitimate terrorist target. Blow it up by all means. Sensory sparklers. Yeah, yeah, I will do, definitely. And Ian Wright comes on and he said what he doesn't like about Pete Doherty is his aggressiveness.

Or the aggressiveness he does. So that's aggression, isn't it? Is it not aggression? I think that is aggression, you're right. Yeah, not aggressiveness. But no, I'm sure he was good at, what was it, cricket? What did he do? I think it was cricket, yeah.

Cricket, yeah. But he was a good cricketer. Tennis. Yeah. But I mean, stick with that. Anyway do I think it was cricket yeah cricket but he was a good cricketer tennis yeah but I mean stick with that anyway I think one day you could present it only if I lose some weight

yeah if you lose some weight but I look massive on the telly what I wanted to talk about was that you were worried about looking massive on the telly yeah

right I'm going to talk about it but I didn't do it no you didn't let's explain to everyone what you were going to do I went and got some posh clothes you went to get some

posh clothes posher clothes to get some posh clothes. Posher clothes. Posher clothes, right. And then you texted me. Got a nice brown top. Yeah, all right. None of this matters. Got new trainers from new DCs and I put blue laces in them.

Yes, but you nearly bought a corset. I did. It wasn't a corset. Well, you texted me saying, I'm very close to buying a corset. I know, but I know that I was making it sound funnier. It was called Body Max, I think it was called. You don't want Body Max, you want Body Min. That's the wrong one you were getting.

Well, it just shapes you, apparently. Right. It's just like a tight thing that you put on. Well, I don't know, because I was thinking, right? You might have been wearing it. You might have got the Body Max Circle Edition. But I was thinking. I put it in my basket.

You weren't thinking if you were going to buy a corset. Right, I put it in my basket, but then I started thinking. I started thinking two things. One was I was thinking, right, it's not made out of water or air or the fat. Yeah. So it must squeeze it somewhere else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it depends on how you put it on again. Totally.

I didn't want to go in there with a particularly fat knob or a big thick neck. A big balloon head. Yeah. Or just one big space hopper hanging out the sleeve of my T-shirt. You know, just hanging down out of my T-shirt.

I didn't want that. Yeah. So, but that was what I thought. And the other thing I thought... One massive leg. Totally. And the other thing that I thought was this is just

ridiculous this is everything that I hate you know people being judged on appearance people being judged on an image

conscious things and all that everything that I can't stand that I despise about the media as well and then I was

suddenly going I must look slim I tell you what if I get slim I will be on telly and then I thought no I'm already booked on it yeah yeah yeah under my real weight yeah I tell you what if I get slim I will be on telly and then I thought no I'm already booked on it

yeah yeah yeah under my real weight yeah I tell you what they and this says a lot for them they booked you having met you

yeah having seen a picture of me yeah they booked you they still went ahead and put me on the television yeah exactly

yeah so fair play to them you can't knock that from a production point of view so I didn't buy the thing I put it back on the shelf. So I didn't buy the thing. I put it back on the shelf. And also, I didn't know what size to get.

Because they had medium, large, and extra large. Right. Now, I would automatically go, extra large. Yeah. Then I thought, oh, no, because I don't want it being baggy. No. I want it tight on me, don't I? Yeah, get the small.

What wonder about it? Is extra large in them? Yeah. Is that for, like, fucking proper massive blokes or no you just extra large might have fitted but you you want to go the smallest possible because that'll make you look smaller yeah this is what i'm talking about i didn't get any right i didn't get any and i went on there with my real belly on busters yeah but you look lovely no i won't go that far i don't know i'm not saying it so that's that well um it's not it because after you'd been on looking all handsome

yeah I thought right I'm not having my friend Ray get all deplored it's a celebrity because the story I told them was about you yeah it was about me

and me as well yeah I saw you do that story and I thought right I'm gonna get picked up off this I've heard about this right so on the way out with the rest of the studio audience

yeah I just I told all of them that I was Ed from the story. Yeah, yeah. How did it go down? Really well. But a lot of them were a bit scared to approach me. I don't think it was that.

So that's why I was going, I am Ed from the story. Because the girl behind me said, oh, I like that London Dungeon story. To her friend I went, I am Ed from the story. Yeah. And then she sort of laughed a bit.

And then I went, I am a comedian. And I was telling her, I was walking in the crowd going, I was trying to drop it in subtle light. So I was just going, oh, I am Ed from the story. Don't worry.

And then everyone was sort of like, oh, a bit nervous. Walking away. Yeah. So they're all walking away, like a bit like, oh, I'm a bit embarrassed. In his company,

like if you saw Jude Law or something. So I went, so I went, don't worry, I am approachable. Yeah. But still, but even though I said that,

nothing. Well, sorry, man. That's all right. But I thought you did very well, and I think I still might get picked up off there. I think you get picked up. I mean, I think you are now famous a bit. Yeah, exactly.

Because you've been spoke about on telly. Yeah, exactly. Only one thing worse than being spoke about, not being spoke about, Ed. Yeah. That's what Stephen Fry done, isn't it? So well done, and it was nice seeing you on Russell Brunsback News for you.

Ed. Yeah? I had a dream the other night, and I wanted to check with you whether or not it's real. Well, I'll stop you there. Yeah? Immediately, because you said it's a dream. Yeah. It's not real.

No, but I think it's something that I've heard in real life, and I've dreamt about it. Right, okay. So I just want to check it with you. Right. Right. Is there such a thing as an aids mouse see now you've got me worried um i don't know i don't think there is such a thing as an aids right here's what i dreamt mickey mouse did look thin in that last especially his legs yeah legs and his arms yeah i'll give you a few more facts about an AIDS mouse. And you tell me whether or not it's true.

Right. They spread AIDS. Right. In Yorkshire. They, basically, you think, oh, how do they do it? Do they bite you and stuff? Yeah, that was my first thought. No, they don't.

They give you AIDS, right, in the other way. They fuck you. Well, it's't. They give you AIDS, right? Right. In the other way. They fuck you. Well, it's not as clear cut as that. You had a dream where a mouse fucked you. Listen.

And gave you AIDS. They don't even fuck you. They climb inside you. Right, listen. No, don't laugh because I think this might be real. And if you laugh,

there might be people listening to this who think it is a joke. Right. And then they're susceptible to AIDS mice. Yeah. Right right so please take it seriously they get they get inside you up your bum well i don't know how and they're like the aids is on them it like like a flower it's like flour on the fur right they shake themselves like a wet dog

when they're inside you yeah and they shake all the eggs into you all the eggs into you I mean do you not get to the point where you think what's that climbing up my arse and then pull it out no because

how do you put cheese up your bum again no not in the dream I had but not in real they don't sometimes they do two things

yeah they will either give you the eggs like that if they don't like you if they don't like you so it's malicious this is the weird thing because if they do like you they just kiss you slowly and you don't like you? No, this is the weird... So it's malicious? This is the weird thing because if they do like you,

they just kiss you slowly. And you don't even get AIDS from that because you can't get AIDS from kissing. Is this a dream you had? Is it real? No, well, I think if it is real, you better go and get a prescription for a bum trap.

I can't sleep now, me, for AIDS mice. Right, so you don't think AIDS mice are real no AIDS ducks cancer rats multiple sclerosis foxes what about hepatitis B you know we're laughing now though

but I bet we both come a crocropping to an E. coli elephant. Tell you what, mate. The other day, we bumped into a girl, didn't we, that you hadn't met before? Yes. Yeah, and you... Yes, in London. You went all blushy and started looking at the floor. And usually you're all right with that sort of thing.

I can usually talk to a girl, easily. You're like all confident little fat man. Like James Corden or Pavarotti. Yeah, I am. That is just what I am like. I'm like a cross between the two of them. But this woman, right? Yeah. You bumped into her, right?

And you went, hello. And then you started looking at the floor and doing all blushing. And you crossed your legs over. I did do that. You crossed your legs over and I looked down and there was a spot of wee. Do you know what? I wouldn't have been surprised

if there was a little spot of wee. Yeah. Because she took my breath away. Yeah. She was like a four metre jog. I know. She was like an enforced roly-poly in a medical.

She's gorgeous though. Bit old. She's not. No, that's not fair. I'm not having that. Alright, well don't have it but she was born in 1904. I've just been on Wikipedia. That's not true. She wasn old. She's not... No, that's not fair. I'm not having that. All right, well, don't have it. But she was born in 1904. I've just been on Wikipedia.

That's not true. She wasn't born in 1904. No, she... No, but she... I'll tell you what. I think if you had seen her and didn't know who she was, if you'd just seen her in the street, you probably would have gone,

oh, that's an attractive older woman. Right. But because you fancied her when she was younger, we should say who it is, really, shouldn't we? Cleo Rocos. Cleo Rocos off Kenny Everett. Yeah. Off Kenny Everett off Kenny Everett and off my friend

yeah and I think it's because you've got the memory of her when she was younger lodged in with the memory of her now and they've crossed over

which means that you still fancy her no I that is true yeah is I did find her very attractive when she was younger

yeah but I think she is absolutely stunning now she's got she's got a certain something she's very glamorous she is very glamorous

yeah and she's all like ooh give us a kiss. She gave us a kiss I didn't know what to do. Yeah. Did a kiss on that there and that bit

on the side and then she went and kissed the other side and all opposite of it. Yeah and then when we got on the tube you could still smell her perfume so you

Yeah but it wasn't horrible perfume. You started smelling that and going I wonder what Cleo's favourite film is. I don't know what it would be. I've looked on the internet and I can't find it i don't know what if anyone could tell us what

cleo rockers his favorite film is and i'd like to know so i'm gonna take her pictures on the date i'd done that joke as well didn't i you went um which is weird to start a joke with you went i can still taste it and i went is it all in the best possible taste yeah that's can you have written yeah but what i'm doing is i'm announcing now that I am going to marry Cleo Rockus. Right, okay. Right? And I don't even believe in marriage. No, exactly.

You don't, I mean, you literally don't believe it exists, do you? I think getting married is for idiots. Yeah. I really do. And that's not even aimed at our friend who's getting married in a couple of weeks. No, it's not, no. I mean, generally speaking, I think getting married is for idiots. I mean, he is an idiot, so let him.

So if he wants to get married, then go and have your little day. Yeah. By all means, I will come along and throw rice in your face at the end. But I'm not, I'm not, I don't believe in marriage. That's fine that you don't believe in it. That's all right. That's allowed. But you're saying that all this belief will be put in the bin. That's changed. To marry Cleo Roccas. Because I'm going to, I am going to marry Cleo Roccas. Yeah. Whether she likes it or not. What are your thoughts on marriage? When I think about it,

if someone said it quickly, like, what do you think? Yeah. I'd say, yeah, it's alright, I'd do it. But then if I think about the logic of it, no.

If someone said to me quickly, when I think of marriage, I'd go, sausages! Like that. That's what I'd do. If it was that quick. I think if I think about it logically logically it doesn't

make sense I've split up with girls over marriage right I have an ex-girlfriend of mine who it was all about just getting married

yeah even though it doesn't change anything yeah but it wasn't even about it was also about well if I won't marry them yeah

and have children then they're not going to stay with me right I can see why the children thing is a bigger thing because that does

change stuff and that's what people want to do with their lives. No, but that shouldn't alter being in love with someone. No. I mean, what if I can't have children? You can have children, yeah. Do you reckon I could?

Yeah, anyone can have children. That's smoked for a long time. All you need to do is give a blow and get stabbed. You're a fucking idiot. Right. Yeah. Now that Fraser is dead and in heaven getting all felt up by God. Yeah.

With St Peter watching. Yeah, with St Peter watching and touching himself on the ball. I can't believe St Peter would do that. Because he has only got one ball, St Peter. That's it. Right. No, I think St Peter has as well. Oh, right. Okay.

He lost it in a skiing accident. Skiing down a cow. Yeah. And do you know what? And he went to God and he went, God, I've lost a bollock. Can you sort it out? Yeah.

And God went, no, because if I do, you'll never learn. Right. He went, no, you can't have another bollock. So Peter was like, but I've only got one. And God went, well, you can't have another one. And then St Peter walked away and God lifted up his frog and God has got 50 bollocks. Yeah, it's not like he hasn't got spares ones.

Yeah, exactly. God could have plucked one of his ones off and stuck it on St Peter, but he wanted loads. God has got bollocks to spare. And do you know what? I think if we take anything from today's podcast, I think we should take that. Yeah. God has got bollocks to spare, right? That is the motto of this podcast now, right?

That's the sort of thing you see on the board outside a church. It's true, though. Right. I'm not saying vandalise things, necessarily. But we can't stop you if all the people listening to this decide to go down to the local church when you've got them big signs outside, cross it out, the bit that says, Only God works Sundays, or whatever they put on there. Yeah.

With God, you're not the weakest link goodbye whatever bollocks they've come up with and just put cross that out and put God has got bollocks to spare

and do you know what there's people there's young lads now get to stick in the counter and lose a bollock lose both the bollocks and they never wake up with one

under their pillow yeah God has never to my knowledge God has never blessed someone with a bollock after they've lost one yeah no one as far as i know has ever lost a bollock and then just grown a new one and god could do that like that yeah if you go go on yeah i've never bollocked i mean if anything because people say oh god created man god created us all and all that yeah

then there should be a guarantee yeah yeah you should be able to take it back. So, if a little lad gets born right, and has cancer, like Fraser, we should have been able to take Fraser back. Yeah, because he's got... And go, God, this boy you made got old cancer and that. Yeah, but, right, now I am God and you are coming back with... Alright, God. Hello. Oh, yeah. I've got this little boy, Fraser, he's got cancer. Oh, yes, I remember him. He's rubbish. Oh, I'm sorry about that. What do you want me to do about it? Can you do a replacement one?

Have you brought the receipt? Well, isn't the boy the receipt? How old is he? Seven. Oh, no. You could have brought him back before 30 days, but seven years? No, no, no. He didn't have his cancer then, no?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. If you don't have a receipt, you're not bringing him back. Do you know what? Now get out of my shop. I think God takes the piss. Yeah, so do I. Especially in terms of refund policies. Right, here's some things.

I think you should speak to your local ombudsman. God has got bollocks to spare. Yeah. And God has got a really poor returns policy. I'll tell you what, God's customer aftercare is appalling. Yeah, it is. It's awful. I know. We should all complain to the Ombudsman.

Yeah, let's do it. If God was a shop, he'd be on Watchdog every week. Oh, we've had a bit of mail this week. Look who's been in touch. Oh, here he goes. Yeah, here he comes again. Listeners who listen regularly will know that last week

I mentioned Perry from Diversity. And how he had a rivalry with him. The little specky, curly-haired one. Yeah, the little one who does the backflip and hurts himself outside Downing Street. Yeah, well, I've got...

Basically, I've kept it quiet because it's out of the press. But me and Perry have got proper nemesises. Yeah, nemesis. Of each other. Nemesie? Nem got a proper nemesis of each other. Nemeside? Nemesy?

Nemesum? Nemesum. Dim sum. We've got a proper rivalry going on. We have kept it out of the press. Don't like people to know.

You've been keeping it out of the press. He's been trying to get it in the press. Oh, he's always ringing up Matt's Clifford and giving it. Will you put something

in the press about Ray Peacock? Slag him off. I'll be the best one. And this is what Perry's written. I mean, he's only like nine or something. Yeah, he's a twat.

But like I said last week, American listeners, well, is that what I said last week? But here's the letter that I got this week. Come through the door. Couldn't believe it. In an envelope with all like dried tea on it. Yeah. Like, make it look like old fashioned.

And he burnt the edges, hadn't he? Burnt the edges and there was a wax seal on the back with a picture of death, you know, with a sc like old-fashioned. And he burnt the edges, hadn't he? Burnt the edges, and there was a wax seal on the back with a picture of death, you know, with a scythe and that. Yeah. And this, of course, was delivered to the house that we live in together. Yeah, yeah. Ray Wee's Playhouse. So here's the letter.

Dear Mr R Peacock Esquire, My attention has been drawn to your pathetic, asinine internet broadcast in which you bad-mouthed me and my reputation. You really are a tawdry, obese cunt, aren't you? Oh, Perry. Rampaging through your insignificant existence, desperately trying to deflect attention away from you, lest everyone see the talentless charlatan that you are.

Oh, dear. I, on the other hand, can do a backflip without my glasses falling off. And I've done a gig for the Queen in Blackpool. Feel free to further mock me, but you may wish to start looking behind you. Regards, etc. Perry off diversity. Right, I can't believe that. Yeah, so, do you know what I mean?

I might, he's probably thinking I'll report him or something. He had a point about the backflip with his glasses on. Alright, he can do a backflip with his glasses on. Yeah. Yeah, but Perry, who do you think put oil on the floor in Downing Street? He had a point about the backflip with his glasses on. All right, he can do a backflip with his glasses on. Yeah. Yeah. But Perry, who do you think put oil on the floor in Downing Street? Who do you think that was? Do you remember when they tossed you upside down and you fell on your neck?

And then you started crying in front of the president. He doesn't even mention me in the letter at all. I know. Do you know why? Why? Because I think he's in with you. Right. I think there's something going on with you, too. Mate, don't get para.

He wouldn't listen to our podcast. Someone's giving him the heads up, aren't they? Just because it's called the heads up, don't think it's got anything to do with me. Someone's give Perry the nod. And your name is Ed Nod. Like the drink at Christmas. That's an eggnog. All right.

Well, that's what's getting wrong. That's for our American listeners. Like the time I went to the Chinese takeaway and asked for Edmongmong and they didn't give me egg for you long it did

Ed what? Edmongmong Edflit Egg Fu Young it's hard to go from saying

Edmongmong to Eggflit oh fuck are you trying to do it? Edmongmung to egg-foo-noo- Oh, fuck. Are you trying to do it? Edmungmung, egg-foo-mung. So you've got to do it. What is it? It's a famous tongue twister, that.

What is it? It is Edmungmung, egg-foo-yung. But say it fast. Edmungmung, egg-foo-yung. No, you said egg-foo-yung. No, I said egg-foo-yung. You said Ed. Edmungmung, egg-foo-yung. No, now you're concentrating. Edmungmung, eggoo Young. No, you said Ed Foo Young. No, I said Egg Foo Young. You said Ed. Edmungmung Egg Foo Young.

No, now you're concentrating. Edmungmung Egg Foo Young. But now say it like you're just in the street. All right. All right. All right. Please speak like you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, you're going to Chinese, are you? Yeah, Edmungmung Egg Foo Young. Oh, you're coming. It's time for our occasional section, Ray's Secret Origins. Right, okay. Where Ray tells a nice story, and then it turns out at the end

that that story was... The start of something. How they came up with the idea for a particular programme. Right. If you don't remember it, the last time that it happened was the Feather House and that was the idea for weakest link yeah somewhere in a feather house yeah right get ready once upon a time there were um there was a school and at the school there were lots of children obviously as you have at schools and they had a swimming pool

in the middle of it right that was only three foot deep and they eventually a swimming pool in the middle of it that was only three foot deep. They eventually stopped using it because children kept insisting on diving in and it was in their noses. But that's not the point of the story. In the school, there were gangs such as you get at school. Some were killed, some weren't. There were also lonely children.

Two of the lonely children were these two little boys right who may have been homosexual right not definitely yeah they may have been homosexual right i'm not saying they definitely are okay and even if they are i'm not saying it's a bad thing you're right i'm just saying they might have they might have been homosexual okay they didn't know themselves yet okay they were children they weren't sure yeah they had an idea yeah you know they like they like looking at knobs and that yeah but that doesn't mean they're homosexual they could just be experimenting couldn't they so what happened was um they weren't very popular with the other children right okay because children can be cruel yeah and they were going oh look at the two

benders right i'm not being offensive. That's what they said. That's what the children were saying. That's what the children were saying. Children can be horrible. And that was just making them more insecure about their potential sexuality. But, you know, they were alright because they had each other. But no one had Facebook at that point, so they couldn't join Peter Tatchell's group.

No, they couldn't. But they did alright. They got on alright. Time went on, and they'd done the gcses and left right um and as they got older i think they they realized that there was a decent chance that they were gay but they weren't definitely right yeah okay and they lived together and stuff yeah and because they've been picked on at school they didn't go into any of the sports classes right or anything like that didn't play rugby or football or anything because they got picked on by the other boys yeah so they ended up being dead good at cooking right they've practiced cooking yeah um okay i've got well good at it yeah but they were like they might be gay right and they weren't they were like they weren't

butchering often i mean they were you know they were quite they were in touch with their feminine side certainly if they weren't gay they look quite butch, they were quite, they were in touch with their feminine side, certainly, if they weren't gay. Because they look quite butch, though. No, not really. Right. They were in touch with their feminine side a bit. You know, if anything, as they got older, they were, I mean, I'm not saying they are definitely gay, but you know that there's the gay movement, the Bears. Right, okay. Right, I've done gigs for the Bears.

Yeah. You know, they have a big bear ball. Yeah. In Manchester. Yeah. And I do that, because I'm a little fat man with a beard. Yeah. So they really love me.

But these two boys from the school, as they got older they got a bit chubby. They actually got very fat. And hairy and that. There were like a couple of hairy bears

but they weren't definitely gay. I'm not sure if they were gay or not. Anyway, one day they went, you know what, we've got so good at cooking

we should get on telly like this Jamie Oliver bloke. And Gordon Football. Right, Ramsey. Yeah. And so they went for a meeting at the BBC. And they went, oh hello. Like that. I'm not saying they're definitely gay. And they went, oh hello. And the BBC went, hello. And they went, we want to do, me and him, want to do

a cooking programme. Yeah. Like Jamie Oliver. And they're going, well, Jamie Oliver's kind of like, you know, he's a bit trendy and stuff. Yeah. I mean, even though he's not, even though he's not really particularly good looking

or trendy really. Yeah. He's the sort of person we could get away with it. What about Gordon Ramsay? He does all the effing and that, doesn't he? Yeah, and all the football.

Yeah, he's all aggressive and all the football. So that's why we can put him on. But we can't put you on as cooks, you know, because you're a couple of what appear to be, you know,

just all effeminate blokes. Fat, hairy gay men all effeminate yeah and we don't want to like make it like stereotypical yeah and they're like oh shit and then uh the person in me went tell you what have you ever had a bit on a motorbike right and the both of them straight away went no god wouldn't go near one right like that and the man from bbc went just come on me right took him around the back and there's two there's motorbike there right just two motorbikes yeah just there get on them and they got on them and they went i'm a little driver and they were crashing into walls falling off them and getting crying because they broke a nail yeah but as time went on they got used to the bikes yeah and the bbc man went tell you what

we're gonna crack on right we're gonna crack on that you two are bikers right yeah and they went brilliant and they went i'm gonna put you on telly and as they were leaving the man went hey lads keep the beards and that that is how they came up with the idea right for ready steady cut What are you looking forward to most about Toy Story 3? Is it coming out? Yeah, in a few weeks. Is it? Yeah, it's not far off. I think I just would look forward to it a lot.

It's got a bear in it. Has it? Yeah, I don't want to ruin it for you, but it has. Oh, shit, and I eat sport at the end. The trailers are online somewhere. Are they? I've watched them. I don't really care for it.

I liked Toy Story. I didn't really care for it. I liked Toy Story and I didn't really care for Toy Story 2. I loved Toy Story 2. Really? Why? I just thought it was brilliant. Because you're in love with that woman.

What woman? Cow woman. I don't remember the story. Cow girl woman. I should watch it again I think. Yeah, I did enjoy it. I think it's because there was a lot of hype

wasn't there around it? Was there? I can't remember how old it was but I went to the cinema and I remember it being packed and people were sitting on the stairs and stuff. Wow.

And then the lights came up a bit and we saw like three chairs in a row and run down and sat in them. Right. I just remember being excited about going to see it and I thought it was really good. And I liked the first one as well. It was a good review. I thought the first one was amazing. And I've met Tom Hanks. Yeah, I know.

Keep going on about it. I know, I'm going to say it again. Well, I've met Tim Allen. Who's Tim Allen? Oh, Buzz Lightyear? When? Where? Well, you have met Tim Allen.

When? You were on the programme with him.'s Tim Allen? Buzz Lightyear. When? Where? Well, you have met Tim Allen. Where? You were on the programme with him. You co-presented Home Improvement. What? You won't get that. You keep doing references of things that I don't know what they are. You presented Home Improvement with Tim Allen.

Right. Well, you were in Animal Quackers. Right? What's that? Exactly. Before you were born, mate. Right. Animal Quackers.

Animal Quackers. Bongo, Rory, Twang and Boots. Well, you work with my Uncle John. Gonna go to Poplin, gonna go to Poplin. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Animal Quackers, Animal Quackers, Bungo Rory, Twang and Boots. That's you. That's what you were in.

We could all make up children's programmes. Daddy A-Team, you know they're soldiers of fortune. Daddy A-Team, helping people in need soldiers of fortune. Dirty A-Team, helping people in need. You can't pretend that you're Hannibal, Murdoch or Face, or maybe B.A. Baracus. You know each one is an ace. Stop making stuff up. Each is sold separately with

weapon and thing. You know if there's trouble to escape, do you know the A-Team's here? Dirty A-Team. Yeah, that's the advert. That's the advert for the A-Team figures before you were born. Well, you look like the baddie in Nosy Nigel and the Evil Watch. Right, I don't know what that is. Right.

Nosy Nigel and his evil watch. Put his watch on. Ow, it's killing him. You're making this up, aren't you? Nigel doesn't know. Watch out, Nigel, for the evil watch. Right, I'm having this. What time is it?

Evil o'clock. Nosy Nigel, for the evil watch. Right, I'm having this. What time is it? Evil o'clock. Nosey Nigel. Don't be so nosy next time and take that watch from the evil travelling gypsy salesman. Do you know what? I hope somebody... I hope somebody listening to this hears that, nicks it, and makes £55 million off it. Because you haven't copyrighted it. Oh, I've really tickled myself there.

Yeah, I know you've tickled yourself, dirty boy. Stop tickling yourself when you're one of the animal quackers. That'll be a scandal. Shout out Boy Beats World. All right, you shut up, Jamie and the Magic Torch. I know that one. No, not this version I'm thinking of. In my one, he's black.

Yeah, was he black in your one? No. Racist. Why can't Jamie be black? Well, he's just not in the video. Because you are a racist. Because you... Right, it's about time we said this on the podcast, actually. Ed is an official racist, right?

Because when I said Jamie and the Magic Torch, Ed immediately thought about him as being white. He was white. Straight away he thought he's a white little boy. And I had him as a black little girl. What race is Nosy Nigel from Nosy Nigel and his evil watch? Trick question, he's not

a race. Yes he is. That's a trick question. Why? Because he is a clock. He is a clock and that's why his watch has gone evil. Made in Peru. So he's Peruvian. Yeah. Yeah, I knew that. All right.

Yeah, I'm not racist. I know, but you are racist because you think Jamie is white. What colour has he got? I can't remember. Blonde? No, ginger. What have you got against ginger people? He's a black ginger.

A black ginger child, yeah. Why is that so unlikely? Right. Racist. unlikely. Right. Racist. Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised

and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one which is performed by Frank Sidewaters.

The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk. See you next week.