The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 41

Episode Date: November 3, 2019

"Episode 41" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 41 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hello and welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast 40th birthday special. Well, is it 40th birthday special? It is. This is what we were meant to be doing last week. Yeah, alright. We recorded it last week as the 40th birthday special, but then it didn't work. So now we've got, this is 41st episode.

We can't say it's 40th birthday if it's the 41st episode. Well, we can, because it was unbirthday that it was the last one. Right, well that's probably copyrighted to Lewis Carroll. I don't care, he can come over here and have a go at me if he wants. Actually, was unbirthday even in A Last of Wonderland? Just hang on a sec. I'm Ray Peacock, hello. And I'm the Gamble one.

Yeah, Ed Gamble. Edward Gambling. What? Edward Gambling, I'd like it to be called. That's a good name. Yeah, I wish you'd used it for your Twitter. So that you've got Ed Gamble comedy for your Twitter. I think it should be Edward Gambling.

All right, well, let's see if I can change it. Well, I might just set one up instead. I would like to be named after how a lamb runs. Didn't you gamble that? Yeah. But anyway, is Unbirthday in Alice in Wonderland or not?

I've got no idea, mate. I don't think I've even read the novelisation. It's in the Disney animated one. Very merry Unbirthday. It's a song, isn't it? I thought it was Happy Unbirthday.

Very merry Unbirthday. No, it's merry. Alright. So I got that one right. One nil. One nil to Peacock. Speaking of lambs, I think I would like it

if lambs had to wear trainers. Yeah. I was thinking, as I was talking then, about gambling lambs. And I thought, I like watching them gamble, but I'd like it

if they had trainers on, then they could run fast as well. With go-faster stripes on them. Yeah, if you like, or just proper, just normal pumps. Do you mean like the ones with like basketballs on their tongues that pump up the soles? Oh, you pump them up? No, no, I mean like, or just proper, just normal pumps. Do you mean like the ones with like basketballs

on their tongues that pump up the soles? No, no, I mean, I mean pumps, like little black pumps you wear at school. Oh, I know. Like green flash.

Yeah, that sort of way. Yeah, them as well. Yeah. And the irony of it is, is that they're never, they're lambs because of their pointy feet. Even though they're wearing trainers,

it looks fine if they're walking, but if they ever do utilise the trainers and have a proper run, they just kick them off. They go flying, especially if they run top speed along a beach. Then they would kick them off and that would be the end of the track. You're right, but then they'd be easier to catch if their trainers fell off.

Not right now. We'd see a lot more lamb on the menu. Yeah, you would, because nowadays lambs are notoriously difficult to catch these days. People don't realise that, you know. People say, oh, lamb farmers, oh, you've got it easy you know oh look at all the land you own look at all the money you make you know look how you monopolize the countryside you know they slap farmers off and that yeah but they don't realize just quite how much effort a farmer has to go through just to catch one lamb yeah they're up trees they bury they bury themselves in the ground with just their nose sticking out.

They've got the same attributes as a chameleon. They can turn... This is rough for people to know. A lamb can turn itself green in a bush. It's true, no? And a farmer, a lamb farmer, has to go walk around really slow with them goggles on

and what the Ghostbusters walk? Just to catch one lamb. Just to catch a lamb, but... And they're not even allowed to kill them. Did you know that? What?

They're not allowed to kill lambs. They have to wait until they die of natural causes. No, no. You know when you have a lamb chop?

Yeah. They're still alive, that. That is true, right? They're zombie lambs. Essentially, they are zombie lambs. Right, okay. And here's something

that you don't know. Do you know that there's only ever been 100 lambs in the history of lambs? I didn't know that. I know know do you know there's only ever been 100 lambs in the history of lambs I know and you're going nonsense

right and people go I've had lamb loads of times probably more than 100 times yeah it was the same one because you know what happens because they're zombie lambs

and this is true right you have a lamb job oh very nice eat it yeah then what happens goes through your body digestion

poo it out spare the details, right? Then, that poo goes down in the sewers, right? And because it is zombie lamb, it finds all the other poos, right? They all find themselves together, they're mixed together, make a new lamb, but then

goes up the lamb chute back into the countryside. So you're saying, in the past, when people have eaten lamb, they are eating reanimated versions of their own poo? Reconstituted poo, yeah. Right, okay. Reconstituted lamb, yeah. Okay.

But what I'm saying is, if they had loose trainers on, then they would be easier to catch. Well, I think, to be honest with you, the easy cure would be basketball boots. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to the show. Speaking of Ghostbusters, favourite Ghostbusters in order, one being the most popular and four being the least popular in your head?

Bill Murray won first. That is number one, top one. Dan Aykroyd, Egon Spengler, Hala Ramis and Winston Zedmore. Yeah. Danny Hudson. That is exactly right. Exactly the same order for everyone

in the entire world. What is it about Ghostbusters that brings out the institutionalised racism in people? The black man, Ernie Hudson, is always fourth in line.

Yeah. It's unfair. But Ernie Hudson is my favourite ever governor of Oswald State Penitentiary in the programme, Oz.

Is that who he is? Is he in that, is he? Yeah. Is he good in that? Yeah. Well, there you go. At least you've recognised your prejudices and done something about it.

Yeah. And I don't even know why you're laughing because your mum's asked me to have a word with you. What? Your mum rang me up this morning. What's her name? Not this morning. Valerie Gamble.

No. No, but very well quickly guessed. All right. Rita Gumbel. No, you're all right. Is Gamble right? Yeah, Gamble all right. It's Gamble Wright. Yeah, Gamble Wright. So I'm halfway there.

Yeah. I couldn't hear. It was a really bad line. All right. It sounded like... Has she got a foreign name? No. Has she not?

No. It sounded like Wontafukure? Wontafukure? Is that a name? That's what she said when she first came on. What's her middle name?

She went, Wontafukure? Wontafukure? I don't know where that's from. Portugal, I imagine. I can't remember what her name is, but what she said when she first came on. What's her middle name? She went, what the fuck you're right? What the fuck you're right? I don't know where that's from. Portugal, I imagine. I can't remember

what her name is, but it's somewhat like that. Right. Right. Something like what the fuck you're right.

All right. I think her name is Jeff. Yeah, it is. All right. Well, your mum Jeff rang me earlier on.

And she's crying as she normally is when she rings. And I said, what's he done now? Because I knew it would be something about you.

Last week it was to do with your PlayStation. Right. It's apparently, quote unquote, it's all you care about. Right. And you're treating house like an hotel. And she couldn't believe you've been buying Blu-rays

when you don't even pay rent. That's what she said anyways. But I didn't really enter into it last week. This week there was something different in her voice. And I said, what is it? And she went, I'm ashamed. And I went, what do you mean? She went, I'm ashamed, right?

And I went, ashamed of what? What's up? What's happened? Jeff, what's up? And she went, it's him. She went, Edward. I went And I went, what do you mean? She went, I'm ashamed, right? And I went, ashamed of what? What's up? What's happened? Geoff, what's up? And she went, it's him. She went, Edward. I went, oh, what's he done? That's, by the way, that's, for our American listeners, that's Ed's full name.

Edward. Ed is short for Edward. Yeah. Yeah. It's a thing that we do over here, where we will take a name. Yeah. Just shorten it down. Yeah.

And not to Eddie. Or Teddy. Ted. You'd be Ted in America yeah I would be wouldn't I Ted Gamble I'd be Teddy Boy

Ted Gamble you sound like a murderer I would sound like a murderer if I was Ted Gamble Ted Gamble could be an American serial killer yeah but anyway

stop trying to distract me because your mum's worried I said what's happened she went I found tissues I went well that's I said well that's fine and she went no all over the place right I said that's fine and she went no all over the place

right I said it's not vanilla she went no I said was it just in his bedroom under his pillow or something or under the bed and she went oh she went

actually she said well that's a girl with mine did she did she suddenly say that now in the conversation you've just remembered that now have you yeah

oh actually no she's saying all this other stuff right Valerie Gumbel or whatever the fuck you think she's called so I said what's happened and she didn't know she didn't know she went I just think Actually, no, she's saying all this other stuff. Right. Valerie Gumbel, or whatever the fuck you think she's called. So I said, what's happened?

And she didn't know. She didn't know. She went, I just think he's masturbating a lot. And I said, well, that's perfectly natural for a young lad. You know, we all do that. And she went, no, but I think he's doing it a silly amount. I'm considering getting a camera and a teddy. And I said, like the ones where you check to see if your babysitter's doing rude stuff with your children.

She went, yeah, I know one of them ones. And then you said, what, you want to put a camera in him? And she went, no, no. And then she went, no, because it's not America. Anyway, she went on to fair and I thought about it. And I put together all the things she said. And do you know what, Ed? And please don't be embarrassed now.

But I think you are probably masturbating too much. And this is after having a conversation with my mum. I think what you're doing is ridiculous. I think the way you're leaving the house as well after you've been doing it,

the fact that you get up in the morning with your mum at the same time as your mum, you get up, she makes breakfast and that and you're furtive and you're running about

the house all sweaty and asking her, are you ready to go? And she's going, I'm going to work. And you're going, are you going in a minute? Because you can't wait.

And then, literally, she's no sooner down the path than you are, and you're in the living room, you're taking all the doilies off all the furniture. You're putting the pictures of your grandparents down on a mantelpiece so they can't watch you. And you're pulling your pants around your ankles. You're sitting in your father's chair. And you're doing it with your left hand.

Masturbating, furious, looking for a little crack in the window in case the postman comes. Postman doesn't come at that time, mate. Right. I would have been through about 23 wanks by the time the postman arrived. Well, you're doing all that, and you're maybe having a little experimental taste of it

just to see. Have I not had breakfast yet? Not yet, no. it after you've, just to say, and you're doing that. Have I not had breakfast yet? Not yet, no. And then you go to your breakfast and then you're going, oh, can I have another one

before elevens is, and you, and you, and you go, I'm going to have this one on a breakfast bar. You're going all around the house and you're cleaning yourself

up with a tissue, but you're just leaving the tissues there. Right. And you do, you kind of do yourself a mischief. Right.

And I can see by your face now, you're ashamed of yourself, aren't you? No, I was just thinking that this little... You're ashamed. You're ashamed of your masturbating. This little saga that you've made up says a lot more about your life and mine than mine. Weirdly, never in your bedroom. Never in your bedroom. No, keep that clean, mate.

Yeah, and you go on the internet and do it. My bedroom's very clinical. Nothing, nothing on the walls. It's all white. All white, completely white. No cover on the duvet. No, no. Literally, it's just folded up pants and one framed picture of Malcolm X. Yeah.

Well, I don't think you should be ashamed, but I think you need to get it in check. In fact, I'm going to tell you something now, Ed, right? Right. Are you going to put me on a ration? Listen, I masturbate sometimes. Right, I know, I know. So there's nothing to be ashamed of.

That's what I'm saying. Me, right? Remember me? I've done all telly and that. Yeah. Do all the gigs. Yeah. Do well with all the girls.

Yeah. Even I have one every now and again. It's nothing. Every now and again, it's fine. Once a day is fine. Yeah. Right? Just not quite so many as you're doing.

Let's put me on a diet, right? Yeah. I'm going with this now. Yeah. What's my limit? You can have one a day, maybe two two if it's making you feel dizzy what if I get rid of my first lot in the morning and then I've just got the whole day in well that's what I mean you can build it up and then how much better would you feel right I think I

think it's logically yeah if rather than that little bubble it comes out and just dribbles down the back of your penis, how much better would you feel? Oh, Christ! If you had a nice, healthy shoot in one that went all over your chest, that'd feel brilliant, wouldn't it? If you shot one out like that,

a proper load like a porn star. Yeah, do you know why they do that? Because they save it up. They do, don't they? They save it up for a week. They do. They wank to the point of about to come, right? And then they stop.

Pinch it. Yeah. And then by the time they're filming, say on a Saturday, they're, Jesus Christ, I mean, poor women. Yeah. Have someone's eye out with that. Poor women. It's like being in a riot in 1960s America.

It's just like that. So it's time for some business. Business. Business for a week behind with a business. Yeah. Although technically we're not, me and you, because we're recording this right up close to when the last one should have been released. Yeah, so...

So we've not really got much more on the fan page to report. We're bang on. It's everyone else who's late. It's all you lot that aren't in time. Yeah, so how do you think we're supposed to run a business like this? Getting into the office a week late. Yeah, you pricks. With all the sort of stains down your suit.

Yeah, in fact, all of you, right? All you fans, come here a minute. Come here a minute. What's this? What's this in my hand? Your P45. There you go. Get out of my shop.

Fan of the week. Let's have a little look. Let's see what we've got. We've had some things from Tyler McKenna. And he said, Dear Ray and Ed, there hasn't been a fan of Dal Week, whose name is Tyler.

Please can I be the first one? And if you do make me fan of Dal Week, I will send you really good presents, but Ray better ones, because he does the edit and that. Thank you. That, I mean, I was about to get angry,

but all right, that is fair enough. And then his next one says, although if Ed gives me his Wolverine claw, I'll send him a really good game for his PS3 and I told him that you gave your Wolverine claw to that tramp

and then he went mad going you what why did he do that the idiot what's that tramp going to use it for oh well can I still be fan of the week

I'll still send you free stuff the problem I've got with this fan of that week yeah that's the bit that's bugging me now I don't like all the text talking. But he's a ute.

He's a ute, mate. I can't condone that. He might be a famous rapper. Yeah, I know, but also at the same time, I could get presents. Well, let's make him fun of da week. Yeah, but you're not getting any presents because he gave you all the clothes to wear. No, no. I get presents, but you get better ones.

Is this definitely going to happen now? It better fucking happen. Because do you remember that person who said if we told him where all the old podcasts were that they'd send me some Lego? She never did. No. Shelly someone. If he doesn't send us

presents he better watch his back because there'll be a Trump wearing a Wolverine claw coming after him. Well you say that but in this picture that I can see of him he

actually looks like he's got a judo top on. Yeah he's a judo expert mate. Yeah my Trump knows judo. Right and I've just gone onto his Facebook

page and his status is face jacker oh yes. Right well he's not fan of the week. He's not fan of the week. He can't be fan of the week.

You've blown it by liking something shit sorry Tyler you're not fan of the week but good try but you ruined it by your complete lack of taste there at the end

right here's some more entries for fan of the week Paul Angus I saw a dog kick a dead bird I live in Dubai so I think that makes it worse

Keith Byrne come on Ray make me fan of the week you know you want to dirty fucking cow lol ruined it with lol yeah Jason Pern said come on Ray, make me fan of the week. You know you want to. Dirty fucking cow, lol. Ruined it with lol. Yeah. Jason Pern said,

bugger, I was sure the fish of the week was sardine as well. He said the last week it was. Yeah, well done. It was last week, but unfortunately it never came out,

so you can't win it, but it was a sardine. Ben Nobes, make me fan of the week or I'll come to your house and not leave for nine days. As long as you're clean while you're here.

Don't mind that. Christopher McQuee said, oh yeah, when I was on about saying about not releasing the last podcast, can you not release it anyway? Or if not,

via iTunes, put it on a rapid share as an unofficial podcast. I hate to think of a podcast sat there that we will never hear. Sound can't be that bad. Right, oh well,

so you've decided that. You decided, Christopher, that even with no knowledge of what happened, it can't be that bad. Yeah, Christopher,

you Scottish bird noise. It is impossible. He is a Macuie, isn't he? And also, Christopher, if you think that bothers you, right, guess what? We record about two and a half hours a week. And you only get half an hour. That's two hours every week that you're not hearing.

Two hours every single week. Imagine that. It must be best driving you mad, isn't it, Christopher? And you probably heard last week, some of it's quite funny. Not all of it, as you heard last week, but some of it, quite funny. It aids mice.

Yeah, you're missing it all, Christopher. But it's driving you insane. Anthony Thorpe, I should be fan of the week because I am a gay. That's a good point. Have we had a gay fan of the week? Well, not an openly one. Stick him in, not like that.

Oh, Anthony, I want to stick you right in, not like that. Is he a gay, though the week? Well, not an openly one. Stick him in, not like that. Oh, Anthony, I want to stick you right in, not like that. Is he a gay though, Anthony? I don't want to do it if he's saying it as a joke. That's the most

alarming picture I've ever seen in my entire life. What is that? That is a dog breastfeeding on a woman. Anthony, your profile picture

is a lady with a dog on her nipple. Dave Thomas, I should be fan of the week because I'm as much of a twat as all these other guys trying to be it. Tempt to me, Dave. Melanie Gardner. Oh, Melanie Gardner. Do you remember Melanie Gardner said I was all hot?

Yeah, I remember her. Yeah, I should be fan of the week because I deserve it and I will be forever grateful and do anything you want, you dirty fucking cows. This week's fan of the week is Melanie Gardner. Melanie Gardner, congratulations. Sorry to all you ones that we said it was going to be.

But Melanie Gardner, it'll do out anything we say. Anything. It'll do anything we say. Anything we want. She's called Melanie Gardner. Let's have a think about it.

Let's not do it now straight away because it might be like a genie deal. Right. Whereas if we say the first thing, then it might not get us. Yeah. Right, Melanie, we're going to have a think on it.

But you've got to do it. You've said it now, and it's a contract. I know. Is she old enough? That's the other thing as well. Yeah. You've got to always check if she's old enough, haven't you? Yeah.

She is. Yeah, I think so. You decided. Yeah. 1990. And she lives in Amsterdam. Whoa! No, hang on.

We're not having pay for this, are we? She's not wearing window wands, is she? Oh. If she's wearing the window wands, I don't want that. I tell you what. I'd love to be a window cleaner in Amsterdam. Oh, my God ones I don't want that. I tell you what I'd love to be a window cleaner in Amsterdam.

I don't want that. The shit you must see. I tell you what if that fan group takes off the one about getting us all some money

get all that money go on and spend it on a window one. 50 euros. And then I'd get a blowy off the same woman at the same time. Go on.

No. Mate go on. No. Why? You do it with your back to me. Alright I'll have a bat to you and I'll tuck my willy underneath my legs.

We've both got to do it back to back. Here's what we'll do. Me and you, at the same time, back to back, so back's touching. No, no, no, in a sexy way. Right, back's touching, right? We both put our willies underneath our legs, right? There's a lady underneath there

and our two willies are underneath and that there's a lady underneath there and our two willies are underneath and that's how we want it please 50 euros fancy magic right all that remains for us to do

in the business section oh this is what we keep forgetting to do who do we want to be fan of the week next week what names do you think for

one week we should do job of the week let's do that now alright then right so in order to become fan of the week yeah

you've got to have the job of the week which this week is office worker no there'd be loads of them that's the idea isn't it right alright office worker

so who is the best office worker and why right enter on the fan page thank you and then you could be the fan of the week for being the best office worker

it's getting so complicated or butcher no not butcher or gardener no every week I join a load of groups on Facebook so here's the groups I've joined this week ready to become a fan of No, not butcher. Or gardener. No! Every week I join a load of groups on Facebook.

So here's the groups I've joined this week. Ray McKenna Fanof. In denial, right? And that's like in denial as in not accepting something, not going for a swim in Egypt. I know my family so well, I can tell which one of them is coming up the stairs. I haven't got stairs in my house. Come here here rude boy

boy take your turban off I don't know what that was instant smile when the person you wanted to text you texts you it's about you breaking something

and pretending that was the way you found it Rob Davies yo yo as a kid or me with the microphone yeah as a kid

I as a kid I used to jump from couch to couch to avoid the lava and quicksand. At the cinema, I always eat the popcorn before the film has even started. I always write neatly on the first page of a brand new school book. I hate it when I'm making a milkshake

and all boys just show up in my yard. That's from the song. Yeah, from the song. Well done, mate. Excuse me, but you're gorgeous. Oh, thanks. The librarians at my school take their job way too seriously. Tig, you're it.

Oh, for God's sake, I'm not playing anymore. And Glenn Baxter, the official fan page. Right, brilliant. page right brilliant it's time for ray does a food every week he'll do it where he says the food and you think about it about having it yeah because because i say it reminds you or a drink it might be a drink and you will then go away from the podcast and either straight away or within a couple of days or something you'll start thinking about the food

and then you'll end up having it. So the section is, Ray does a food. Right, well that's two minutes. Ray says a food. You've done two minutes on the title. Pot noodle. Pot noodle. No, that's the end. Chicken and mushroom pot noodle. That's the end of that section. Chicken and mushroom pot noodle. Have a pot noodle. No, disgusting. Have a pot noodle. Right, that's the end. Chicken and mushroom pot noodle. That's the end of that section. A chicken and mushroom pot noodle. Have a pot noodle.

No, disgusting. Have a pot noodle. No, they're disgusting. It's got no nutritional value. Have a pot noodle. Make it with a kettle. Boil the water and put it in it. Put the pot noodle in the kettle?

Put the pot noodle in the kettle and boil it all up. Speed up the process. Take the lid off the pot noodle, turn it upside down and put it in the kettle. And boil it. Right. And eat it through the spout. Pour a pot noodle into your mouth, you dirty fucking cow. Do you know what I like to do with a pot noodle?

Eat some of it a bit hard. Don't wait until it's properly... When you pour the dust on... Eat some hard bits. Leave the dust on the top and eat it like that. Before you even put the water in, grab a mushroom and eat it. Yeah, pot noodle. Pour the water in. Put a mushroom and eat it. Yeah, pot noodle. Put the water in.

Put some soy sauce in it. How did you get it free with it? Pot noodle. Put too much water in. Makes a nice soup on top. Drink it like a drinker, then eat the noodles. Pot noodle. You'd love that. Eat it. Have it for a snack in the afternoon. Maybe get a king pot.

Get a king pot noodle. Eat that at a park. Eat it at a park with an animal. Eat a pot noodle at a park with a bear. Go to a park

with no clothes on and a flask. Get a pot noodle out make it eat it with your fingers next to a bear in the winter in the snow wait till it's snowing

go a park eat a pot noodle next to a bear and then kill someone and then kill yourself pot noodle to a bear and then kill someone and then kill yourself. Pot noodle. Right, it's time for Ray's breakdown update. What's my breakdown update?

Well, you're having a breakdown. We've all established that over the past few weeks. I'm having a update? Well, you're having a breakdown. We've all established that over the past few weeks. How am I having a breakdown? Well, last week we talked about you walking around the house by yourself with a beetroot on the end of a stick pretending that you had a toffee apple. That's not a breakdown. That's a nice, fun young man. No, it's a nice, fun young man if there's other

people in the room. If you do that by yourself that is a full-on breakdown. Right, well I'm telling you now, right, that I know definitely there'll be girls listening to this now or listening to it last week who would hear about me walking around my house with a beetroot on a stick, tending it as a toffee apple,

and they would sit there and they would just do a little smile to themselves. They'd go, oh, he's lovely. And as we know, that is the nursing inclination that all women have. Well, I don't think we should do it as a section. We've got other sections that we need to do. I've got them written down here.

These are the sections we've written down today. Yeah. Yeah, we've not done Rea's pasty in his hair. Well, we can do that very quickly. We were standing... You made me stand in the car park when you ate a pasty and you got some of it in your hair. Right. Next. We've not done dancing in Game Station. Yeah, we danced in Game Station. Next.

We've not done Tom Jones on the beach. Yeah, that's our impression of Tom Jones on the beach. We've not done print a picture and put it up yourself. That was your idea of thinking, wouldn't it be dirty if a woman took a picture of herself, rolled it up and put it in our own family. Right. Wait, no. We've not done Ladybug Babybel.

This is my new, I bought some new speakers. I bought some new speakers for the office. And it's called Ladybug, right? Yeah, I've seen them. It's a red circle. It's got black speakers and they fold out like a ladybird's wings. They call it Ladybug America. Yeah.

But it occurred to me last night that it actually could also be called the Babybel. Yeah, well... Because that's how you open a Babybel, same way. So I might now call my speakers the Babybel. Right. Good section, isn't it? Okay, Ray's Breakdown Update. We did a gig together last week.

When? Where at? Stoke Newington. We did, yes. Oh, fuck, are you going to talk about that? Yeah. Right, okay. And that is worthy of talking about in terms of a Breakdown Update, I think. Was? Where at? Stoke Newington. Oh, we did. Oh, fuck. Are you going to talk about that? Yeah. Right, okay. And that is worthy of talking about

in terms of a breakdown update, I think. Was that a breakdown? You opened your section, your headlining slots. Right. Well, hang on. Don't be giving it that

when you just went on and did fucking seven minutes of new stuff and went, I think that'll do and walked off again. No, actually I did 12 because I asked how long I'd done

and you said four when apparently I'd done 10. Right, and then I did do my hands to show you 10. Yeah, but then I did another five. And anyway, actually I asked how long I'd done, and you said 4, when apparently I'd done 10. Right, and then I did do my hands to show you 10. Yeah, but then I did another 5. And anyway, actually, I'm glad you brought this up, because when you went on to do your set,

right, that gig, you completely ignored me. I'm sorry. I was waving at you. No. I took my top off for you. I scored a try on PSP and held it up, and you didn't even acknowledge it. Yeah, well this is fair enough. It was in a tiny pub room. There were only ten people in there. You could pretty much hear your

PSP going like... It was clapping. Yeah, but why... It was a good try. Why were you playing PSP when I was on stage? Because they're my two favourite things. Rugby League on the PSP and lovely Ed Gamble doing some of his new jokes. Okay, well thank you. But you did some new jokes, didn't you?

I did many jokes. You're not planned to do. Your opening bit, headliner. I know, I was there, I was there. Tried to make two girls in the audience kiss for £58. Was it £58? £8 for one of them, £50 for the other one. That was right, it was, wasn't it?

And do you know what was uncomfortable about that? What? First off, that I'd just gone on and said it. Right? Because I don't know what I was thinking, you know what was uncomfortable about that first off that I just gone on and said it right because I don't know what I was thinking you know well you weren't I didn't even know

how much I was getting then I asked the bloke running it how much I was getting I was like well fuck it I might it's not a great gig

that night it was quiet and that so I was like fuck it I might as well get something out of this get some of these pretty lasses in the audience

get them all kissing each other and what was uncomfortable about it was is that one of them I went eight quid and she went yeah so that wasn't

so I was like this could happen and it was only you saw that change on your face totally when you're like eight quid

and she went yeah and you went oh what really because there are only ten people in there you were going to make a fifth of the audience les up

and the other girl I said thirty quid and she like sort of smiled and I was like so do it and then I thought hang on I'm going to watch this up to the audience les up yeah and the other and the other girl i said 30 quid and she like sort of smiled i was like she'll do it and then i thought hang on i'm gonna watch it up to 50 quid and just say will you do it just for me to watch not for everyone to watch it wasn't fair that i was giving him money yeah yeah everyone got to see it it's getting for kissing a cubbin and i'll watch it and all so that was the uh that was your opening it was uncomfortable wasn't it yeah that's how you opened it yeah Yeah. I'm not that man. And there were two magicians on the front row.

Not my fault. You brought that with you. You can't say that as if I'd planned that all along. Not my fault. You got one of the magicians up for do a trick with him. He didn't want to, though, did he? No, he didn't. He was a grumpy fucker.

Do you know what? I'm not sure he was a grumpy fucker. I think he just was a bit self-conscious about being in the front. I think he thought it would be a full night. No, and yeah, you very much alleviated his self-consciousness at the end of your set by saying,

at least the downs hasn't spread to your face. That was... Right, that... That is the best heckle put-down I've ever done. He didn't heckle. That's the problem. Yeah. That is the problem with it.

You're right, you're right. He was very quiet and respectful I know and that's what the problem is and you had already had him up on stage teaching him how to pass a wire through you which he didn't even do yeah because you deliberately messed up for the poor man and then gave him a chair as a prize

he didn't give me the pack of cards properly he had a pack of cards in his pocket and I was going to do a trick with him and he didn't you dropped them you spilled them I spilled the cards but that was his fault he wasn't giving me it properly and the trick pocket and I was going to do a trick with him and he didn't. You dropped them. You spilled them. I spilled the cards, but that was his fault for not giving me properly. And the tricker done, I'm going to tell you now, I just made that up.

The one with five cards where I guessed which one they'd picked. Just made that up. And you found one in the fireplace. Yeah. Did you not see when I sneaked that into my back pocket? No, I didn't. It was very impressive. It was impressive.

So that's a breakdown, is it? Just that? Oh, no. I mean, you then closed the gig. Possibly forever. It was impressive. So that's a breakdown, is it? Just that? Oh, no, I mean, you then close the gig. Possibly forever. Possibly forever. By taking the microphone and the lead apart. Right, first of all...

Holding the lead and spending, I'd say, 10 to 15 minutes going to the audience, should I put this in my mouth or not? Threatening to do it. Yeah. Yeah. And you didn't and then that was the end. I know, that's the problem with it as well. You put it on your neck, you went, should I put this in my mouth or not?

And people go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was all right. They were getting into it. It wasn't comedy. No, no. But you go, yeah, should I put this in my mouth? And he's like, yeah. And then you're like, oh, put it on my neck.

Good night. You told me to put it on my neck. Well, no, because I didn't want you to put it in your mouth. Well, there we go. Well, it's your fault then. No, it's not. You told me not to put it in my mouth. You spent ten minutes going, should I put it in my mouth or not?

And also what we did was, I held hands with the magician bloke as I put it on my neck, because I thought that might make us swap places like Freaky Friday. And it didn't happen. Anyway, I've seen you be ridiculous before, but that was beyond. Right, well, I like the way that you have been selective about that gig, and you've told them all the

bad bits. Well, no, I thought they were good. I was laughing the other way through. No, no, no. At no point have you told them about the bit where I gave somebody a chair as a prize. I did. Well, yeah, I have said that, if you go back. When did you say it? When we were talking. Did you? Which shows how much you listen to what I say, which is exactly like at the live podcast, where we were talking

about being like Henry VIII, and I went, yeah, and I could just eat a chicken leg and throw it over my shoulder. And then you went, yeah, and then I could eat a chicken leg. You've not even mentioned the gig at the White Hart last week. Come on, tell the listener about what happened at that gig last Thursday. I've just done it, you've not been listening. I thought we were going to do that in this section.

What have I been talking about? Tell them about the magicians at the front. That'll be a good bit. Hey, no, tell them about when I spilled all the cards. You said that bit. All right, tell them about the wire. What happened with that? All right, no, tell them about when I spilled all the cards. You said that bit. All right, tell them about the wire. What happened with that? All right, I'll tell them.

There was a wire from a mic stand and I was threatening to put it in my mouth. Tell them about that bit. I've done that bit. I've told them all about that bit. You don't listen. That's your problem. Well, I fucking...

We're both just sat there waiting for Argy to turn up. When's he going to get here? God, there's a podcast about Argy. Where is he? I'll tell you what, I know he's not going to cast him. Where's he going to get here? I can't believe the podcast about Roger. Where is he? I know he's not going to cast him. Where is he? He's a proper late bugger looks that boy. Hello, we are going around the world for another Ed's Amazing Births around the world. No, we're not. Well, we are. Canceled. Hop on the plane. We're not hopping on the plane. Right, and this is the last one.

No, it's not. I thought we were going to wind down. No, it's... Mate, you'll hear, after this week, it's only revving up. No, it's not revving up. Me and you agreed in real life that it was... Right.

Where are we flying to first? Japan. I thought of a new section. I thought of a new section for it. You can't say... You can't say... Hang on. You can't say Japan

and then go ding ding ding ding ding ding ding isn't that like Japanese music no it's Chinese first of all alright but either way Japan turning Japanese

I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so I've got a different new section to replace that amazing birth at the end bit what and again it'll be a transitory section it won't be one that we'll

hark on about for too long what Ray and Ed's film pitches alright we write film pitches every week for films alright I know what mine's going to be about.

It can't be about an amazing birth. Why not? Right, well, we're going to now, we're going to make a transition into that over the next couple of weeks. Okay, well, mate, wait till you hear this amazing birth. But amazing birth is on its last lens, and we don't want it to get... It's really not. I was going to say, we don't want it to get rubbish.

We don't want it to get more rubbish than it already is. Right, well, listen to this amazing fact from Japan. Yep. It's an amazing fact now, is it? What, about birth? Right, go on. In Japan, the gestation period

is ten months. It's not. It is? No, it's not. It is. Based on what? My mate Jono, last night, told me that

and he's quite intelligent. How is it ten months? We were talking about how environment can change things. So, like, in Norway, the age that a girl reaches adolescence has come way down was it 10 months oh we were talking about like how environment makes it can change things so like in norway the the age that a girl reaches adolescence has gone come way down like by five years in the last 50 years right so like and then he went oh in japan the gestation period is 10 months right

why do i not know about that then i don't know are you i mean are you in a right way saying that japanese people are a different species no i, I'm just saying that Japanese women, Japanese human women, when they get pregnant, their babies are in their tummies for ten months. Right, I'm not going to argue this. I want something to verify that

or not verify it. I want to be told. It might be, like, the food or the altitude. I don't care what the reason is. Can somebody who's got half a fucking brain please let us know

whether or not that is true or not? And if it's not, then I will rip it to shreds next week at the moment i don't want to risk it in case it is true but i can't imagine that to be true right well that is true i'll call drunner in a minute if you just suddenly hand a mobile phone to me and say er here's a bloke you've never heard of it will verify it that's not going to prove it is right right well no in japan the gestation period is ten months. I think that's bollocks.

Right, well, you think it's all bollocks. Maybe that's happened once. Right. Oh, where are we going now? I'm not sure. I can't remember. Right. But we're here anyway.

Right. Turns out a woman sold her baby's name rights on the internet, and her baby is named after a casino website now. I don't even know what that means. She went on eBay and she said right, I will sell the rights to my baby's name to any company and a casino website bought it.

It's the second link. It's the second link. Don't read the first link. Don't read the first link. No, don't because I'm not on that story yet. That's the big closer. I'll tell you what, I'm not on that story yet. I know you're not. That's the big closer. Right, well, can we... I'll tell you what.

I'm not even asked about the casino story. Right. I want to hear about dead woman gives birth in a coffin. Right, well, we'll have to get on the plane to Canada. Right, take us to Canada now. Right, here we go. I don't know what the casino one was,

and I don't care. Right, there was a woman that very sadly died. Yep. They took her to the morgue. Yep. They did all the processes and stuff. At no point did they notice she was pregnant. Put her in the coffin.

Did they know she was pregnant? I don't know. Put her in the coffin. Wait, hang on a second. A woman died and had a post-mortem, and at some point during the post-mortem, they didn't notice she was pregnant. No. Is that what you're saying now?

Well, maybe they did, but they assumed the baby had died. But then what happened? They put her in the coffin. I think they were just getting ready to bury it, and they heard, Right. Right? Yep. Cracked open the coffin. She? They put her in the coffin. I think they were just getting ready to bury it and they heard, right? Right. Cracked open the coffin. She's only given birth in the coffin. Nonsense. That is true though. Absolute nonsense. Dead woman gives birth in coffin. Read the facts. Read the facts, motherfucker. It's not a fact, motherfucker. The thing about it is, right, there's a picture of this baby. That's a drawing, that. Thank

you. Finally, you are talking sense. Yeah, that is a drawing, that. Right, finally. Yeah. Second off, to have a baby, it requires a degree. Unless you're going to have a cesarean, you need to push it out. Yeah, but she's very relaxed. No, but you mean she's very relaxed. And the baby climbed out on its own accord? Well, she's dead. She's literally just chilled out, isn't she?

So the baby would just fall out. Right. Women having babies don't have a hard time with it because they are tense. Well, they are tense. It's painful. Yeah, but they're not holding the baby in. Well, I think they are. I think you're completely wrong.

Literally, I would be a brilliant midwife because I'd just go in, stick on a bit of Dido, right? Yeah, give them a spliff and that's done with me. Yeah, put some cucumbers over their eyes, right? And just go, listen, love, chill out. Don't worry about it. And I go, one deep breath, just chill out. Think of Britain.

Here's your baby. It's a boy. It sounds like you'd be a brilliant midwife. Yeah, cheers. Yeah, amazing. Thank you. You'd just have women with babies just dropping out of them. Yeah, exactly. It didn't happen. Of course it did. Tell me more about it. It's a boy. It sounds like you'd be a brilliant midwife. Yeah, cheers. Yeah, amazing. Thank you. You used to have women with babies just dropping out of them. Yeah, exactly.

It didn't happen. Of course it did. Tell me more about it. Things like this happen, man. Tell me more about it. The things like... You can't say things like this happen. Man.

Man, they don't. They... It must have been a shock to everyone, but a miracle. I don't believe that. It's not a miracle. I don't believe that a post-mortem would have missed that she was pregnant. Maybe it didn't miss that she was pregnant and they assumed the baby would be dead. I think they would have taken the baby out in that scenario.

I reckon it would be standard practice if someone dies pregnant not to leave the baby in them. Well, saves on burial costs, doesn't it? What do you mean it saves on burial costs? One grave rather than two. If it's one grave, just not necessarily fucking Russian doll graves. You don't want a woman in a coffin with something in the woman. That's a good idea. If a very fat man dies...

Oh, my God. If a very fat man dies and they're running out of burial space... Stick his wife in her. Yeah, if he's got a little wife, cut him open, pop the wife in, zip him up. Right, I mean, first of all, you're asking that they die at the same time. Yeah, well, no... Or do you exhume his grave when she dies? No, he's dead and she dies of heartbreak.

Right. And then you pop the woman in the fat man. Yeah. no he's dead and she dies of heartbreak right and then you pop the woman in the fat man yeah I mean this section now has has gone somewhere I thought last week with the rabbi

yeah it would kill it off right I thought that would be it I thought we'd have complaints and that would be the end of that no they loved it well no hang on

they loved it they weren't mad for it that's not entirely true because I spoke to someone at a recording of the night who said they found it exceptionally offensive right well my friends

did send me a message as well. Saying what? Saying that that was the voice I used to do when he came in for lunch without a bagel. Right, and is that friend Jewish? Yeah. Right, so you made fun of a Jewish... Jesus, wet. You made fun of a Jewish man because he didn't have a bagel.

No, I went like, oh, where's your bagel today? Because he often had a bagel. He had bagel, raw pepper and sun-made raisins. Right. Smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel. You're quite an offensive man, aren't you?

No, he's my friend now. He's still my friend. Yeah, okay. Just mates, but mates banter. All right. Who said it was offensive? What, Jew?

I mean, I disperse, I, mate, I like a bit of bother. I like a bit of a misbehave. Yeah. As much as the next man, which in this case is you. Yeah.

Right? But this is now wearing thin, this section. Right. It genuinely is. And to say... To get to a point in a story where you say, I think what they should do to save burial costs is if a fat man dies,

they should put his broken-hearted dead wife inside him. Right? I think the fact that we've arrived at that as a sentence, and it makes sense. Yeah. Right? Within context. Within context, I think that is troubling.

I don't know what you want me to say to this. But all I'm saying is, Ed's amazing births, woman gives birth when she's dead in a coffin. Every week, I feel like at the end of this podcast, I should apologise for it. Right. Every week, this podcast is, Because we're ending on this section,

it's ending every week with me going, thanks for listening. Do you want me to do the rabbi again? Absolutely not. I could do a Japanese woman who's confused that it's been nine and a half months. I'd like that. Go on. Hi, I'm a Japanese woman.

Go for that. I've been pregnant now. No, fuck off. You're not doing that. You I have that? Yep. Hello. Hello. I've been pregnant now. Right. No, fuck off. No, no, fuck off. You're not doing that. You're absolutely not doing that.

What? Not even as a joke. Not even as a knowing, ironic, racist joke. You're not doing that. You're not saying Plegland.

Right? I'm not having it. That's the end of the podcast. Thank you very much for listening. Again, sorry. Sorry about the rabbi last week.

I'm sorry about Ed saying that a Japanese woman is saying Plegland. You're very much for listening. Again, sorry. Sorry about the rabbi last week. I'm sorry about Ed saying that a Japanese woman is saying pluglet. You're a fucking absolute maniac. That's the end. The end of the podcast, possibly for good. The Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music

by the Tiger Lilies, except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidebottom. The Peacock and Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies, except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidebottom. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk See you next week. Hello, this is the after podcast little bit, the little

treat-y bit that happens straight after the credits. We've decided that from now onwards, we're going to be having a regular section here. So now on every week in this part we're going to do a new section that i came up with called pg tips we didn't a fan came up i came up with it a fan came up with all right who who i can't remember his name exactly exactly you can't remember the name it'll be on there on where on the fan page not by the time it's coming i won't well i'll find it when we finish this and i'll make it known to everyone what fan came up with it. Yeah, I'm going to delete it and then set fire to it. I'm going to delete it and set fire to what? The bucket that I've

deleted. Trash. Trash. You're going to set fire to your Mac? I'm going to set fire to my Mac. Right, alright. This is the... I'm going to do it. You're going to set fire to your Mac? I'm going to put light fluid all over it. Right, alright. Yeah, then prove it. I'll do it now. I've got a lighter. Alright, give me your lighter. What? Do it now. Right.

Won't take. Right, you didn't even try. Alright, I'm trying now. Right, there you go. That is a fire. Yeah, no, you've just lit a... you genuinely just lit a bit of paper. You know they can't see us on this? Right. There's no... that stinks.

Oh, it stinks of fire. What, we expect it it to smell like? You bloody great wazzock. Let's do PG Tips. Right, PG Tips is a new section I've come up with where... No, a fan came up with it. PG, Peacock and Gamble, think about it. Tips, we are going to do Tips. A fan came up with PG Tips. It's not like Viz, right?

PG Tips is a tea bag as well, so it's double meaning. Right, but not all the tips will be about tea. A fan came up with pg tips and we've both come up with a tip right i don't think i've got one what i remembered pg tips i don't think i've come up with a tip right we came up with a tip together do you want me to say it the one about a burglar yeah yeah all right you do that it's the first pg tips go hi uh if you're burgling someone's house uh do it dressed as lloyd grossman uh So when the owner of the house comes back and catches you in the act, you can throw back to David Frost in the studio.

Yeah, and then just leave. Yeah. With their video. Yeah, and you can just confuse them into thinking that they're on an episode of Through the Keyhole. Yeah. And then you've got away with it. Well done. How's that for PG tips?

There'll be more PG tip tips. There'll be a tip up. There'll be another tip from PG. There'll be a PG tip. See you next week.