The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 49

Episode Date: December 29, 2019

"Episode 49" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 49 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. It's time for the highlight of your week, it's the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hello. Hooray, I'm Ray Peacock. I'm Ed Gamble. And sorry, but that's the end of the show. What? Because Ed can't be bothered with you today.

No, I could be bothered at two o'clock. And now it's seven o'clock. Ed is whining. There is no time in a podcast. There is time in a podcast. No, there's not. Well, how long is it then? What are you on about?

How long are the podcasts? No, it's not about how long they are. How long are the podcasts? There's no time. You can't. There's no time. Right, how long are they? 30 minutes.

What is that? A time. A time. Welcome to time. The concept of time. In a podcast. Time. We can't do time checks or anything in a podcast. Yeah. We don't know A time. Welcome to time. The concept of time. In a podcast. Time. We can't do time checks

or anything in a podcast. Yeah. We don't know when people are listening to it. One time. Time. There's a bit of time in a podcast.

What time is it now, everyone? Seven o'clock where we're recording it. Time. See, that's Ed. He's in a bad mood because... I'm tired

and I got here and you dragged me for half a big doughy buffet. What? No, hang on. And then go play a game and get you a slush puppy from Blockbuster again and they're starting to look at you weird in there.

When, are you quite finished? When I pick you up from the station when you come here, we always go into one garden city and have some beverages. Yeah, and swing back here and record. Not swing back here and have 90 games of racing on the PlayStation 3. That was something on my own.

I just wanted one race on it, right? One try of it. Right. So we got into it and then you went, oh, it's first 200 points. And that was when you're on about four points and you get two points a race. It is first 200 points.

I know, but it doesn't have to be. You could just say first to 10 and then stop it. Isn't it interesting that you should be saying this now? What was the score? 104 to Ray. Yeah. How many for Ed? I don't know, like 20.

Like 21 or something. So that's all that's up with him. That's why he's sulking. I've already started going mad today. Why? At King's Cross Station, I was just pointing at the sign shouting, is it because someone stole his crown? Why are you doing that to no one?

Yeah, I thought it was funny. It is funny, but you don't have to shout it out loud. Just think it in your head. I will next time anyway when I am let back there. You'll never be allowed there again. And you have made me your slave. That was just an idea

that got out of hand. I am your slave of the day. Yeah, well just remember that then for the podcast. Here's something to do in the podcast. We'll say what we did in Walnut Garden City today. Right.

Just fills a bit of time, doesn't it? Yeah, I suppose. Obviously I'll do my food. And we'll do... Don't forget, Ed is Ray's slave for the entirety of the podcast. Because I've paid him to be my slave today. Five pounds. Five pounds he got for holding my slush puppy while we walked around Welland Garden City.

Servant. He's servant. I have, like, a slave. Slaves are unpaid, aren't they? Oh, good call. Maybe I'm giving it to you as a birthday treat. All right, OK. You're a slave, but it's your birthday. OK.

Yeah? Welcome to the show. Got a bit of a ruckus today, bit of a fight. Bit of a fight? Most unlike me. Bit of a barney, mate. Yeah, down the old... I won't say the name of the bank, because I don't want to get anyone into trouble.

Yeah. But down the old bank. Down the old bank, mate. Yeah. Down the old I won't say the name of the bank because I don't want to get anyone into trouble yeah but down the old bank down the old bank mate yeah went down the old bank in town you make it sound like you live in a western

yeah went down the old bank went down the old bank went down the saloon had a sarsaparilla I would love a sarsaparilla if I knew what it was yeah same

I think it is like coke and milk mixed together I think it's dandelion and burdock oh right that's what I always assume it'll taste like was it

is that what it is I don't know I don't know no idea anyway we're in the bank and I'm queuing up it is? I don't know. I don't know. No idea. Anyway we're in the bank and I'm queuing up. Yeah.

Right. Because I don't mind. I'm not one of these celebrities that just. You left me by the trough outside didn't you?

Yeah. I tied you up by the trough. And I put your face in it. And then I nosied on into the bank. Mosey.

Yeah. You don't nosey do you? No I don't. I have a little root around the bank. Is it mosey? Mosey yeah. What does mosey mean? Mosey on down. Like don't nosey, do you? No, I don't. I have a little root around the bank. Is it mosey? Mosey, yeah.

What does mosey mean? Mosey on down, like sort of walk, like go. Nosey on in the bank. Nosey on in the bank. That's what old ladies do on a day off. Oh, I had a nosey in the bank. Maybe that's what I should be then, isn't it? You'd be a cowboy, I would be an old lady.

All right then. That's a sitcom waiting to happen, isn't it? That'd be brilliant, then. Old lady defrosts her chest freezer in the garage for the first time ever, right? Yeah. And there is a cowboy in there from the olden days. Now, should it be that way round? Or should it be old lady falls into a freezer?

Something goes wrong with the electrics. Goes back in time, ends up in olden times. No, it's more believable if there's a cowboy in the freezer from olden times I think that is more believable isn't it it is more believable that there is a man frozen from olden times who she then soars out

soars out soars out yeah what do you call it thaws thaws out yeah now soars it isn't it we're nosy on down to the freezer

we're nosy on down to the freezer we could soar some sausages out is it called nosy and mosey the sitcom I don't know nosy and. Is it called Nozy and Mosey, the sitcom? I don't know. Nozy and Mosey, brilliant. Nozy and Mosey.

Nozy and Mosey. Howdy. Hello, dear. I think it should be a cartoon now. All right, okay. Nozy is the lady. Yeah. Don't worry, I'll come back to the bank in a bit.

Nozy is the lady. She thaws out a cowboy out of a fridge. Yeah, freezer. Then what? Freezer. And then she has to teach him modern life. Why does she have to teach him modern life? Why is she not screaming and running out of her house?

No, because she's old. And she can't run and she can't scream because she lost her vocal cords in the war. Hey, how about let's make it a bit satirical because she survived Daryl Ship war. Hey, how about let's make it a bit satirical because she survived Harold Shipman. Right, okay. But it left her

with permanent vocal damage. And you find out in like the sixth episode that the cowboy is Harold Shipman's great great great

grandad. And so if she kills him, Shipman wouldn't have existed. Yeah, so that is the dilemma but she loves him as well.

He was a piece of shit that Harold Shipman was. Yeah, I didn't like him. I call him Harold Shipman. I call that Harold Shipman. Yeah, I didn't like him. Yeah, Harold Shipman. I call him Harold Shipman. I call him Harold Shitman.

Piece of shit. Fucking, he was a piece of... I saw a thing the other night on telly of him being interviewed in his cell, and he refused to speak. Right. He just took a vow of silence, wouldn't respond to any questions at all. It speaks to his lawyer. Yeah. So his lawyer could tell him that he wasn't going to answer the questions.

Right. Could have shit a kick fuck out of him. You've really dropped a bombshell saying that Harold Shipman was a bit of a shit. He was a shit though

wasn't he? He was a shit. Nosy has to teach Mosy modern life. Right. But the irony is Nosy doesn't really know modern life

because she's an old lady. Right. So she's teaching him all of them. So she's going oh what you have to do is you go to the dance and you have to go

and ask a nice lady to dance with you. Like a nice American come here during the war, have a cigarette out of a tin. And then he goes, oh, ma'am, that sounds wonderful. And then they go out and then a hoodie just comes up and goes, what are you doing, what are you doing? Yeah, what's with your threads? Yeah, what's with your threads, what's with your threads you stupid cowboy

and he goes step away son step away from nosy the old lady yeah and then the hoodie's like what you saying what you saying

shut up shut up and he goes okay I did warn you I warned you right and he whistles and his horse just comes out of nowhere

it has been in another freezer and just runs over the hoodie and then so what happened at the bank the problem I think the problem who's been in another freezer and just runs over the hoodie and then... So what happened at the bank? I think the problem with this sitcom I'm writing, mate,

it's become vaguely farcical. Isn't it already? Yeah. So anyway, so I'm in the bank. Yeah. And there's a lady in there, could have been nosy. Yeah.

And she's at the counter, till thing that they have. Yeah. And it's a weird thing, she was haggling over euros and this was like a major bank one of the big boys one of the Nat Westy big ones

and she's going I can't even hear probably what she was saying it was something about how many can I get for that and she told her and she went can you not do me a few more and the woman I can you not do me a few more? And the woman I was going, not really,

no, that's not how it works. But anyway, she was going, and she wouldn't move. She was showing no signs of actually committing to actually get these euros. It was all a discussion about it

for about 10 minutes. And it was entertaining to watch, but it was really fucking annoying because we were all still queuing. And the queue got massive. And you were just stood at your counter just watching it

yeah and the queue was building up behind you and my one's going excuse me excuse me no shush this is good

shush shush sweetheart this is good right and then it was a moment it was like a shock moment yeah because she was going

well they do it at the post office and then the woman behind the till went well fuck off to the post office it was brilliant that is great it was brilliant and then another woman behind the till went well fuck off to the post office then it was brilliant that is great

it was brilliant and then another woman who worked there as well went Anne and everyone went well she's ridiculous and she went Anne go for your break

and Anne was going oh no but it's ridiculous Anne go for a permanent break yeah Anne come on and I read up she doesn't get sacked and I thought I'm going to step in

and I was going no but in defence of her I know she shouldn and I was going no but in defence of her I know she shouldn't say that to customers but in defence of her this woman is acting like a fucking car boot sale

it has been going on for ages now and it must have wound her down you are like a proper hero you are stepping in like

you're like Mayor Lan Robinson on Watchdog I am a bit like that maybe I'll get 10,000 vouchers you're like Cook Report you're like Roger Cook Report I am a bit like that. Maybe I'll get 10,000 vouchers. You're like Cook Report.

You're like Roger Cook Report. I am like Roger Cook Report. I was thinking that. You know the Jeremy Kyle show? Yeah. We'll speak about this when we're done again. Yeah. Do you think that nowadays

Jeremy Kyle ever just feels a bit silly when he says about put something on the end of it? Do you know what I mean? I just feels a bit silly when he says about put something on the end of it? Do you know what I mean? I suppose once a catchphrase gets out. I mean, that's a stupid catchphrase. Yeah, it's a bad catchphrase.

Put something on the end of it. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? When he says it, he's like, I wish that wasn't. I wish it was just like, use some contraception and be sensible. Yeah. Rather than put something on the end of it. It's not even sound advice.

No. Put something on the end of it, chances are it'll fall off. Yeah. You've got to roll it down, haven't you? Yeah. Rather than put something on the end of it. It's not even sound advice. No. Put something on the end of it, chance it'll fall off. Yeah. You've got to roll it down, haven't you? Yeah. I mean, I don't know what Jeremy Kyle, I mean, I think he has got children himself. Yeah. Maybe that's what happened. Yeah. He just went, oh, that's a nice little hood. Put that on the end of it. I'll just put that on the end of it. Plus, a lot of

the people who go on the Jeremy Kyle show are stupid. Are they? Right, yeah. Right. I know you've seen it. And you know what, the other thing that I've noticed about people on the Jeremy Kyle show are stupid. Are they? Right, yeah. Right. I know you've seen it. And you know what, the other thing that I've noticed about people on the Jeremy Kyle show? What? They're often very beautiful, thick girls, and then they open their mouth and they've got bad teeth. Right. And it ruins it. Okay. And you're enjoying looking at them, and then you're

going, oh, no. They are stupid, right? Yeah. And he says, put something on the end of it. Yeah. He doesn't specify what. They might not know. They might be going home, and the bloke's going, well, apparently I have to put something on the end of it. Yeah. He doesn't specify what. They might not know. They might be going home and the bloke's going, apparently I have to put something on the end of it, but I don't know what on what.

Yeah. So he's just balancing a cabbage on the edge of a Monopoly board going, oh, maybe this means we won't have babies. Can't get pregnant now. Yeah, he does say, put something on the end of it. Yeah. So they're not going to know, are they, either way? Maybe, maybe this is what, see, this could be awful. Jamie Carr could be responsible for the end of it. So they're not going to know either way. Maybe this is what... This could be awful. Jamie Kyle could be responsible

for the deaths of infants. Because if you think about it, maybe they go home and they go, Jamie Kyle, when we said about the baby, they said, why don't you put something on the end of it? And then the mum goes, oh God, Gary, what have you done? And they go in the garden and there's just the body of a child

sticking out from under a paving slab because he he has put a paving slab on the end of it on its head yeah and then no more paving

and he's going but Jeremy Kyle said that is the way of sorting it out put something on the end of it we wouldn't have a baby if we put something on the end of it yeah

yeah so I've done that I've put something on the end of it and it exploded and poor Gary he doesn't know what he's done wrong. He's got no idea, has he? No.

No, so then they have to put a paving slab on the other end and then it's just there for years. Yeah. And they're all worried about it. And then they have to go back on the Jeremy Cole show and have a lie detector for, do you have a baby on your patio? Right, well you have been being a right ladies man in Welland today. Mate, I can't help myself. You're alright.

I am definitely a ladies man. You're alright, David Tennant in Casanova. You are. I am just like that. Or someone else. Yep. I'm just... The thing is, I'm just... A. Very good looking.

B. very charming. Yeah. C. Cup. B, tall. E, speak French. F, can cook. G.

Spelling. Spelling. H, Star Wars. I. Love you. J. Cloth. K. Pax. L. Boy. L. Boy.

L. Boy. M. L boy. M in M. N to at your own risk. O Vienna. P to Sutcliffe.

Q to the right. Are you interested? S especially for you. T mobile. S-pecially for you. T-mobile. You are lovely. V for vendetta. X-ray. Why did we do this section?

Zed. Cars. So, I think I won that game. Well, that's what I'm saying. You're a ladies' man for all those reasons. I'm a ladies' man for A, come here. No, stop it now. B, good.

No, stop it, stop it. C, that knob. No, stop it. Delightful. We drove into Welland. E, by God. We drove into Welland in your... You say we.

I did the driving. You can't drive in your pussy wagon. We rolled into town, roof down. Yep. It's hot, isn't it? Yeah. Which meant we couldn't raise the roof, unfortunately, because it was already down. Yep.

Pops herself into blockbusters for you to get a slush puppy. One and one and one and one. One and one and one and one and a slush puppy. Who should be behind a desk? Yeah, but Flossie, as you decided to call her. Flossie, I think her name would be. Yeah, and she was quite the sweet piece. I don't know how old.

She impressed me. Yeah, she did impress you because she did one, then one, then one, then one on your slush pocket. Yeah, they normally don't. They normally put the red one on the bottom or the blue one at the bottom, and then the red one on top of it or the blue one on top. Yeah. Depending on which one alternates with which. Yeah.

And that's fine. I've no issue with that. But she pulled it out of the bag, didn't she? She did. She bloody well gave me my one, And I went, what the... Yeah, she'd done one in one in one in one. Yeah, but it was like a swirl. Yeah, it was amazing. So you thought... I had to say something. I'm going to marry this woman. Yeah, one day. You went, you've done that lovely. Yeah. I didn't say it like that. I did it more like

a four-year-old going, that is amazing. Yeah, he did do that. You have done that brilliantly. She went, I always do it like that. She said it quite flirty. Yeah, she did. But I said to her, I said, I hope you're always here. Yeah. I do, I hope she's always there now. Yeah, well, maybe she will be. Yeah.

If you're, maybe she sleeps there now. If I'm ever going to marry someone, which I'm not. Right. Right, that would be. You could have a slush puppy fountain at your wedding. Definitely have a slush puppy fountain at my wedding. Yeah. She can be in charge of it.

Yeah, she could be in charge of it on her wedding day. Bring her in. Do you? Yeah, yeah, I do. Right, yeah, fine. Right, Flossie, go and get, you go and mand her the slush puppy fountain at my wedding. Yeah. She can be in charge of it. Yeah, she can be in charge of it on a wedding night. Bring her in. Do you? Yeah, yeah, I do. Right, yeah, fine. Right, Flossie, you go mand her the slush puppy fountain. She could have a dress

made of DVDs to represent blockbusters when you first met. Perfect. Yeah, there you go. But there's another lady competing for your affections. Who's that?

Well, I went into Marks and Spencer's to get myself my lunch because I'm doing alright. And I came out. Marks and Spencer's bought a bag. Yeah.

Came out and you were you were chirpsing another bit of skirt. Yeah. I think I've been chatting to all the birds. You were proper chasing the tail.

Yeah. And you're out there with, you sure, an older lady? Yeah, I found out she was 90. Too late. Yeah.

Yeah. Done the deed then. Done the deed done the deed mate yeah she was a nice lady I was chatting with her she started talking to me yeah

because I moved out of her way yeah she was using the rail as a rail yeah I was using the rail as a leaning post so I moved

so she could get past you moved because you were checking out her caboose oh yeah I was having a good look like as they want to do she went thank you very much and I went you're alright love and asose. Oh yeah, I was having a good look. Like, as they want to do. She went, thank you very much.

And I went, you're right, love. And then she went past. She went, I'm 90. You wouldn't think it, would you? And that bit my tongue going, well, probably wouldn't. I'd have been there or thereabouts. Yeah. I certainly wasn't going to say 23.

No. She went, I'm not bad for 90. And I went, no, you're doing brilliant. Look, you know, I was chatting away with her. Yeah. And she went, do you know what? I put it down too. And I went, what? I thought doing brilliant. I was chatting away with her. Yeah. And she went, do you know what? I put it down too. And I'm like, what?

I thought I wanted to find out something amazing. I was a waft in the war. I went, well, that's no fucking out to me, is it? Did you say fucking? As if I can do that now. I can't go back in time and be a waft for a bit. Yeah, you can't even be a waft anyway. I can't even be a waft even if I wanted to.

You're a boy, wasn't it? Yeah, I know. I've got the busters. And then I came out. I've got the busters. I could just tuck myap even if I wanted to. You'd be a boy, wouldn't you? Yeah, I know. I've got the busters. And then I came out. I've got the busters. I could just tuck my penis under my legs. Yeah. Do it like that woman in the Olympics at the time.

And then I came out and I thought, I'll join in with this conversation. No, she wasn't having any of it. In fairness, she was having none of the ocean. No, she was just, she was like, she's looking in your eyes. Yeah. And just thinking, they go on forever.

Yeah. Unlike my life. Well, we were having a lovely section then, weren't we? And then she walked off, I saw her fart and some dust came out. It's because I fancied her and now I'm angry. Exactly, just because you can't get any. Yeah, I'm sorry. Just because you can't get any from the young skirt of blockbusters or the old woman in

the street. I don't think it's on me, mate. That would be your sobriety. There's plenty of girls who fancy you. Does that one keep trying to add you on Facebook? She wrote to you today and asked you why you're not accepting her. Yeah. She said you're fit. Yeah, I know.

What is she seeing? What have you got on your Facebook picture? Peter Andre. Why don't you? You can't do that. One of my favourite little tricks that I sometimes do, just to amuse myself at home, bit of fun, do a loud trump yourself, just pop one, and then as soon as you've done it, send an email straight away on an Apple Mac, because it makes a noise like a spaceship going whoosh. So if you time it right it'll go whoosh. It's

like Trump into the moon. That's a lovely tip. Yeah I know. It kills time. It's a lovely PG tip. It kills time that little PG tip. Yeah. Thanks for that tip Ray. You're welcome. Now it is time for the section that everyone looks forward to. Laugh again. And has a great laugh about it. Yeah. It is Ed says a food. Oh right. I see right you're doing that you know. That everyone is thinking about in their head at the back of the head

and then suddenly the memory will come flooding back and they will want that food or drink or crisp so there we go Ed's food this week

you're not doing this Ed's food this week is ghosts have a ghost all light and bubbly like a haunting arrow. How are you gonna get a ghost? Stand with your mouth open next to a crash. Why are you doing this? Don't get mixed up with spirits or you'll get drunk. Why not try a famous

ghost? Have a slice of maratma Gandhi if you don't mind a bit of spicy. Why doesn't Casper have legs? He just tapers off at the bottom. Don't worry about that. Just get him in your mouth. Have a ghost with a bit of lasagna like garlic bread. Garlic ghosts. Ghosts.

Bootyful food. Dead nice food. Bootyful. Food to take scare over! Ghosts! Who you gonna call? Ghost takeaway! Who you gonna call?

Ghost mustard! Beans on ghost! I don't wanna see a toast! I'd rather have a piece of ghost! Afterlife or afterlife! Boo-boo-boo-boo! Have a ghost! Maybe you would like a ghost pot noodle.

That is a new flavour. Pot noodle ghost. Eat that all up nice. Have a ghost. Oh, have some ghost on toast. No, I said things on ghost. No, ghost on toast is a different one. Have a ghost toasty.

In a bubble sandwich maker. Ghosty toasty. Have ghost for a salad Have ghost sweets Sweet ghost Oh a lovely sweet ghost Ghost Have a ghost

Ed's food Have a ghost Ray's food Ed and Ray's food Ed and Ray's food Food Ghost The end of it now

Three two one Ghost Ghosts Right so Ed Yeah all right so ed yeah oh shit we're driving me and you are driving i can't drive no but you're in a passenger seat all right and i'm driving it's late at night on a windy road right and oh got the headlights on normal beam and I go oh I'm going to pop them on full beam for a bit yeah

slow motion right beams go on all trees by the side of the road and they're all hanging over it and they're all

creepy headlights go on there's somebody in the middle of the road what on earth is that we get closer and closer what is that in the road oh my god

it's a woman she spins round it's Floella Benjamin no shit that don't It's Floella Benjamin. No, shit. That dome. It's Floella Benjamin. Genuinely.

Just staring at you. Is it? Just staring at you. And you look to the driver's side and I've just gone. Oh, fuck. I've vanished. What am I going to do? And the car just comes to a slow stop

and Floella Benjamin just climbs upon a bonnet. Oh, fucking hell. Gets right into the windscreen. Dome. And she's just banging on the windscreen. Bang, bang, bang. Bang, bang, bang. And you're going, no, stop it, stop it, stop it.

Bang, bang, bang. And you see a little crack. Oh, no. In the windscreen. It's still banging and banging and banging. And she reaches behind and gets umpty, right? And she's hitting the top of the car with umpty. But then later on, when the police arrive,

they find out it was your head. That feature would come through the round window. You're scared of Floella Benjamin? I'm terrified of Floella Benjamin. I'm going to find this out

this week. I wasn't. I had lots of black friends when I was little. I never mentioned black people. Don't say you're cutting this out. Don't say you just

cut that out. What was that about? What was that about? You can't just say you mentioned Floella Benjamin. They suddenly start saying I had lots of black friends. You cut out an entire What's that, man? You can't just mention Florella Benjamin. They'll suddenly start saying...

Suddenly say, I had lots of fun. Oh, Ray, you cut out an entire discussion. What was that? But anyway, go on. Right. I'll let that slide, but... Right. Go on.

Why are you scared of Florella Benjamin? Because she's got really big eyes, and she used to have a pineapple on her head. She didn't have a pineapple on her head. Well, it looked like a pineapple. Well, why is that scary? Because it's got big hair. The rude holic's scary as well. No, I liked him. Well, why? What's the difference? He didn't't have a pineapple on her head. Well it looked like a pineapple. Well why is that scary? Because like big heads. Did Rude Hollett scare you as well? No I liked him. Well why? What's the difference? He didn't really have a pineapple. He just had dreads.

So what's the, what, Jazzy B? Did he scare you? I don't know who Jazzy B is. I mean there's a trend going through all these people. Right. Yeah dreadlocks. And I don't know because Rude Hollett didn't scare me and I don't know who Jazzy B is but Floella Benjamin scared me. Could you say as well that Ed is genuinely scared of Floella Benjamin? Yeah, no, I really am. We were watching a programme about kids TV the other night

and she suddenly came on about PlaySkill. Yeah, suddenly as well. That's the problem with her. She's sneaking. You acted like it was a Dalek and you were four. Yeah.

But it is deep-rooted. I think it's probably since I was about three or four I was scared of her on the television. I think she's just really overbearing as a woman. So if she was a man you'd have no problem with her?

No, as a person, she's overbearing. So you're saying that if Luella Benjamin... She's got eyes like tits. You're saying that if Luella Benjamin was a white man, you'd have no problem with her at all? No, I've never said that. But because she's a black woman, you're scared of her?

She's got big eyes and she's overbearing. And that's all it is. And I do find her terrifying. Surely there's something from your childhood that you find scary. Yeah, but not just a normal person. Yeah, but I find her scary, I'm sorry. Like, some people find Davros scary. Yeah, but he's a monster.

Yeah, but still, you might look back and see the actor and you might be scared of him, even if he's just having a chat in real life. I don't think you would. If you saw whatever his name is, Roger Delgado. Roger DeCorse. Roger Delgado. And you saw him, you'd be scared of him. Was he?

No, he wasn't Dan Ross, he was the master. The master, then. Who's Dan Ross now? Gillian Bleach. Shockerly Peter, isn't he? Yeah. Shockerly Peter. That's how I know that he's West Ham fan.

He's brilliant, by the way. Yeah, he's great. He's very, very good. Anyway. There isn't it? Choc-A-Pierre, the title of his West End thing. He's brilliant, by the way. Yeah, he's great. He's very, very good. Anyway, there isn't, no, the thing that I can remember scaring me

as a child was I watched American Wealth in London and there's a bit where he has a dream sequence and all these Nazi monsters come in and one

cuts his throat and that stayed with me to the point where I had a dream that night that there was just a dismembered hand. Oh, I like how you've

had time to think about it. It was crawling up. It's a black woman that scares me and now it's Nazis that scare you. No, no, no. How liberal

are you trying to be? It's not... It's not... You go, oh, well, a black woman scares you. It's Nazis that scare me. Yeah.

I'll tell you what scares me. The concept of prejudice. Yeah. One of the things that very much scares me What? is Adolf Hitler. You know you were saying

the other day you're scared of Nelson Mandela? No, I didn't! I was thinking about that the other day. I'm scared of Adolf Hitler. Horrible, horrible,

nasty man. But you're scared of Nelson Mandela. It's weird. Again, sticking with the trend, isn't it? But that night after seeing

American Wealth in London I jumped a dismembered hand crawled up my body so remember it very vividly crawled up my body. I still remember it very vividly. Right. Crawled up my body and cut my throat with its nails. Oh, God. And I can still remember the feeling of that.

That is horrible. Worst ever nightmare I've ever had. Yeah, it's horrible, that. Yeah, horrible, isn't it? But, no, I am scared of Floella Benjamin, and I'm sure she's a very nice lady in real life. I do apologise. If we do ever meet, I will run away screaming,

but if you're listening to this now, you'll know why. She'll think it's because she's a black lady this now, you'll know why. She'll think it's because she's a black lady. No, she won't. Why would she think that? Because of the way I'm going to edit it. Your mum didn't make it onto the news. She didn't, no, I'm sorry. So she clearly doesn't listen to the podcast. No, well, I told you she didn't. Well, why's she being such

a rude bitch? I'm sorry I don't know it. I beg your pardon? I know it's your mum but why'd you be such a bitch about it? I beg your pardon? Ray Jemima Peacock. You do not use language like that about my mother. Mate, I know it's your mum but she's being such a fucking bitch. I beg your pardon?

She's being a fucking bitch. Racer for Joseph Mugabe. You are a... I wish that was me, mate. I'm bloody looking like Racifer Joseph Mugabe. You're a potty-mouthed little dictator. There's another series we should write. The thing about Mugabe, right,

he's been so demonised. We should re-humanise him as a lovely little cartoon character. He's a potty man. We should make him two foot tall and a proper little round little man. He just goes around trying to do nice things. But he just keeps getting so wound up. He accidentally kills a load of people.

But anyway, stop trying to distract me because your mum is still a biatch. I beg your pardon. She is, mate. If she doesn't listen to the podcast, she's a bitch, mate. What? And what's happened now is, is she's ruined the chart. What? There you go.

James Turner up the top, our manager. He's all coloured in. Yeah. Steve Bennett there, all coloured in. Yeah. Anne Gamble, your mum. Fuck all, mate. Nothing.

Right. Which means that's the end of the chart. That's it? Can't we just do another person? No, that's the chart. Well done, James. Thank you, James. Well done, Steve Bennett.

Thank you, both of you. Thanks, Steve Bennett. Yeah. Fuck you, Anne Gamble. Oh. Fuck you and all you stand for. Right Bennett. Thank you both of you. Thanks, Steve Bennett. Yeah. Fuck you, Anne Gamble. Oh. Fuck you and all you stand for. Right. You've only ever done one good thing in your life.

Yeah. Is it, mate? You've only done one good thing in your life. What? You. Oh, thanks, mate. But I'm still angry with you. Well, that's because I know you've got a thing with her.

What? You and your mum. Right, we're not doing this. Yeah, yeah. No, no, yeah. And don't mention that time that you were in a fanny. Oh, no. We mustn't mention the time that Ed was in his own mum's funny. Don't mention that.

Right, well, I happen to know that you have been in your mum's funny. That isn't true. I was cesarean. The only reason you are here is because you love your dad's spunk on some eggs. Right, right. I know something about you. By the way, I wasn't even cesarean. That on some eggs. Right. Right. I know something about you. By the way, I wasn't even a caesarean. That was a trick.

Yeah. My brother was, though. Right. Right. Here's something that I know about you. Right. One day, right, you were living in your dad's balls. That's because you were a gay incest.

You lived in your dad's balls. And you were just happily just you were there in like loads of liquid just swanning about going oh I love being in a man's balls I love it

I love it I love it I always enjoy being in a man's balls oh and then one of the other people that lived there went oh good on that pipe there that is the penis

and you go oh oh lovely I love, I want to go in my dad's penis, so Ed was going, oh, look at me dancing in my dad's penis, that's what I love doing, dancing, I love it, I love dancing in my dad's penis, oh, look how close to the edge I'm getting. Oh, look how close. Oh, shit. And then you fell.

And there's other ones there as well. And you're going, I fell in this. I don't know what this is. I don't like this. This isn't my dad's genitals. And somebody else went, it's all right. Don't worry. You're in your mum's fanny.

And you're going, oh, that's brilliant. Oh, I can't believe I am in my own mum's fanny finally once and for all. And I'm allowed. And you're in there. You're doing body popping and kissing the walls. Because you're not... And you're rubbing yourself against the walls. Going, oh, I love being in my mum's fanny. I love it. I love it.

And your dad's penis kept banging in the back of your head as well. That was still moving in and out of it. And so you're going, Oh, my dad's penis is touching me in the face. And I'm rubbing it in my mum's fanny wall. Rubbing it in. And then nine months later, out you popped and never mentioned it again.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble all music by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one which is performed

by Frank Seidhausen the Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by chortle.co.uk see you next week I couldn't think of one for W but I think I got away with it