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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Hello and welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Episode 51.
Well, we don't need to go back to numbers now, do we? We've hit 50.
We can't just ban numbers.
We're not banning numbers.
Hello, I'm Ray Peacock.
Hello, I'm Ed Gamble.
We're not banning numbers.
We're just saying that we don't have to keep counting them now.
Right, all right.
We've done 50.
Next time, when we get to about 96 or something,
we'll start going, ooh, it's the 96th episode.
All right.
Only three to go before we finish.
Yeah, that'll wind you up, won't it?
99 are we doing?
Yeah.
Yeah, with a flake in it yeah yeah we've a flake in it
we've put a flake in it mate
so that's something
to look forward to
for next year
when we hit the 99th episode
and put a flake in it
thank you
again we're starting late
aren't we
6 o'clock
5 to 6
oh bloody hell
you got here at 3
got here at 3 mate
ready to go
so that's not bad going
is it
3 hours
yeah we've had a laugh haven't we we've had a giggle I don't know what we've done nothing got her at three. Got her at three, mate. Ready to go. So that's not bad going, is it? Three hours.
Yeah.
We've had a laugh,
haven't we? We've had a giggle.
I don't know what we've done.
Nothing.
I've just spent a bit of time
trying to fix the mics.
Yeah, that was good.
Because they were buzzing,
so that was...
Yeah.
They're wicked, mate.
And I've been doing that joke
for the past 20 minutes.
They're buzzing, mate.
I've been stressing about
the mics buzzing,
and he's going,
yeah, mate.
Oh, buzzing.
Oh, keep them buzzing, mate.
So that's been helpful.
Oh, get your hands off me melon.
We also listened to me on the radio.
We did.
Not now.
No, it's from years ago.
From years ago when they called it the wireless then.
The wireless it was called.
Yeah.
Well, weirdly, that tape player over there got out.
Yeah.
And there's a tape in it.
Yeah, already.
Which is a tape of me on the radio on BBC London.
With Wendy Miller.
Bob Mills.
And he was interviewing me on there.
He was doing a right nice interview of you,
wasn't he?
Yeah, I used to have a radio show on BBC London
and then got sacked off that.
Yeah.
For incitement to riot.
And also because I'd said something like,
I think it was the Sugar Babes.
Right.
It might have been Atomic Kitten.
It was someone...
Anyway, I told Liss to kill him.
And I got in bother for that as well.
This is long before the Brandon, Ross and Manuel thing.
And yeah, so we got sacked off that.
But then that was me being interviewed on the first time back there.
Yeah.
And when I listen back to things like that with the passage of time,
I can see why...
Why you got sacked.
Why I'm a liability on the radio.
Yeah, well, there was one particular funny moment that it just landed on on the tape.
What was that?
The girl on her tuba.
Oh, the girl on the tuba, yeah.
Yeah, there was a little girl who'd obviously been asked to come on the show.
I think she was phoned in.
Yeah.
Right.
And Bob Mills was talking to her about when she'd done an instrument or something.
Yeah, being nice to her.
Yeah, so she played When the Saints Go Marching In.
On a tuba.
On a tuba.
Now, I am the first one to admit, it didn't sound great.
It didn't, no.
And that is fair enough.
Children sometimes don't do things as good as adults.
But they do do the funniest things, though, don't they?
Well, no, it wasn't funny so much as it was a bit tortured.
But in that situation, what you do is say, well done.
That was very good.
I did.
No, what happened was she finished and Bob Mills did the right thing.
He went, that was wonderful.
Oh, and he's sort of looking for something to say, when did you learn to play that?
And you just hear you in the background go, this morning.
It was bad, wasn't it?
It was bad.
I mean, that girl, she might have killed herself now.
Yeah, she might have done.
She might have put herself in the end of her tuba
and then got a big gentleman to blow through the tuba
and shot her into some wires.
Horrible way to go, isn't it?
Yeah, exactly.
He shot her in the tuba to a wire.
It's an horrible way to go.
And that's your fault for being on the radio.
Sorry about that. Welcome to the show.
Got into a little bit of bother the other night.
Oh, what's happened?
I always get into a little bit of bother.
Oh, do you poo yourself?
No, no, nothing like that.
Sometimes I think I just shouldn't be allowed out.
All right, stay in then.
Yeah, sometimes I think I'm such a naughty boy.
Such a mischievous little... Elephant.
Elephant.
Whenever I go out
I just shouldn't be allowed
on it. I think you should go to bed with no dinner.
Oh, come on. Because you're naughty. Alright, no,
I'll meet you halfway. Right. I'll go to bed and
have to eat my dinner in the bed. No, that is a treat.
No, I'll have to eat my dinner under the bedclothes.
No, you'd like that though. No, in the dark
and then I won't be able to separate the meat from the gravy.
Right, no.
Because if you behave yourself,
then you can eat your dinner under the bedclothes with the lights off.
I would love a full roast dinner under the duvet with the lights off.
And no cutlery.
Yeah, no cutlery.
No, I think you're allowed cutlery.
That would make it more awkward, I think.
No, that's part of the fun, though. Cutlery, right? So you have cutlery. I, no cutlery. No, I think you're allowed cutlery. That would make it more awkward, I think. No, that's part of the fun, though.
Cutlery, right?
So you have cutlery.
I think you have the roast dinner,
but the gravy is separate in a gravy boat,
so you have to pour the gravy on in the dark.
All right, I'll do that, then.
How about this?
You're not allowed a plate.
All the dinner has to be on your belly.
Like the Japanese lady.
Do you know what?
I went out with a girl once, right?
Huh?
Honestly, loads.
You know people love, like, food, sex things and that. Right. For example, I went out with one girl once, right? Huh? Honestly, loads. You know people love, like, food, sex, things like that.
Right.
For example, I went out with one girl once,
who one of the things that she liked doing
was doing put penis in her mouth.
Right.
But, like, she let off cream and do it, like, with cream.
Right.
Right.
No, fine at the time.
Afterwards.
Smell the dairy.
Yeah, later on, all that dairy smell.
But I get that.
Have a wash, maybe that'll stop it.
Yeah, I understand all that. Oh, I tell you what that. Have a wash, maybe that'll stop it. Yeah, I understand all that.
Oh, I tell you what, a couple of days later,
my cock stunk of cream.
I bet she wouldn't do it at all.
No, but people do all that, you know,
and ice cream and stuff.
Ooh, ice cream on your nipples.
It was all cold, I'd lick it all off.
That's flaking it.
Yeah, stick a flake up your nipple.
Right, I went out with a girl who,
and I never let her do it
even
most of them like me as well
because normally I'll go
yep I'll do it
if you want to try it
I'll do it
no matter what it is
or how bad it is right
she had this thing
where she wanted to
and it became quite a big thing
she wanted to eat
like
chow mein
off my knob
she did
that is the scummiest thing
I know
like she wanted to
like chow mein all over it.
Oh, a bit of chow mein.
Yeah, and then eat it off.
Are you sure this wasn't in a rush one night?
No.
Like, you were standing there with an odd willy going,
excuse me, excuse me.
She was going, I'm trying to eat my takeaway.
You go, oh, fuck it.
Well, she was a vegetarian as well.
Right, vegetarian chow mein.
Or was that part of it, like, a dirty bit of beef?
Oh, I need a dirty bit of beef? Oh, I need a
dirty bit of beef.
I've often wondered
what it would be like
to have a chow mein
with a big sausage
in the middle of it.
Yeah, poor chow mein.
Maybe that's what
she wanted to do.
Feel like she was
eating that.
Yeah.
Yeah, but it never,
one of the few things
that I've ever,
with a partner,
I've ever just done.
I mean, thinking
about this,
like logistically,
just simply logistically,
would she have to drape the noodles over like she's drying pasta or something?
I don't know if that would have been my job.
I don't know if I'd have had to have gone into the bedroom with the chow mein
while she's waiting outside, arrange it, you know, do it arty and that,
and then say, in your puff,
come on.
Or whether or not she'd just come in
with the bucket.
Literally tip it
upside down
and off.
Like that.
Yeah.
And then get on with it.
I just feel sorry
for the Chinese takeaway.
They go,
what's the order for this one?
Oh, it's number 22 again.
What do they want?
Only chow mein again.
Yeah.
And I don't know
what keeps happening.
The guy keeps opening the door with a
boner he says he don't want peas in it for some reason but yeah i don't i just didn't do it you
know what i often like fish on chips there's all over right all over like mushy peas all around
the balls wiped out around my balls then pour curry sauce all over it.
Oh, disgusting.
Yeah.
Anyway, this conversation's helping nothing.
So let's get back to the point of the story, which was I got in some trouble.
Right.
I was doing the warm-up the other night on League of Their Own, which is James Corden's
sport-y quiz thing.
Yeah, panel trophy.
On Sky One, I think it is.
Right.
Perfectly fine show if you like that sort of thing.
Yeah.
I'm not bothered about sport.
Yeah, me neither.
But, you know, nice to meet some people. I'm not bothered about sport. Yeah, me neither.
But, you know,
nice to meet some people.
I met Cricketer.
Yeah.
Football man.
Yeah.
Jamie Redknapp, is it?
Yeah, it is Jamie Redknapp.
Yeah, lovely lad.
Yeah.
Quite embarrassing for me because I don't know
who these people are.
Hey, I hope Jamie
never falls asleep in the sun.
Why?
That would be a red nap.
It would.
And also Andrew Flintoff. Right. Called Fred. Freddie Flintoff. Why is that would be a red nap. It would. And also, Andrew Flintoff.
Right.
Called Fred.
Freddie Flintoff.
Why's that?
I don't know, that's his nickname.
I don't know why either.
So he was on it as well.
Fine.
Yeah.
Anyway, we filmed, one of the ones we filmed was the Christmas special.
Oh, really?
Yeah, the Christmas special.
This early.
Christmas gets earlier and earlier every year, doesn't it?
No.
No, it's always on the 25th of December.
Oh, right.
Okay.
Someone's been misleading me about this.
I know, people say this, don't they? The Christmas, they always go, oh, doesn't Christmas get earlier? No. No, it never does. the 25th of December. Oh, right, okay. Someone's been misleading me about this. I know people say this, don't they?
The Christmas, they always go,
oh, doesn't Christmas get, no.
No, it never does.
Always on the same day.
Always.
Always 25th of December.
Well, thanks for clearing that up, mate.
It's all right, mate.
So, they had on, it was John Virgo.
Oh, yeah.
Frank Bruno.
Yeah.
And Tessa Sanderson.
Okay.
The jubilant lady.
Yeah.
Weirdly, my dressing room was right in between
Frank Bruno's dressing room and Ricky Hatton on the other side. Oh. Frankly, my dressing room was right in between Frank
Brunner's dressing
room and Ricky
Hatton on the
other side.
Frank Brunner's
voice is the
weirdest voice in
the world.
Because you know
it's deep in that.
That really
carries.
So he's always
like...
Oh yeah.
Ow, ow.
Chachaka.
Ow, ow, ow.
Oh yeah.
He does that all the time. Yeah. But he was in the dressing room and I was like, it's getting on my fucking nerves Oh, yeah.
He does that all the time.
Yeah.
But he was in the dressing room,
and I was like,
it's getting on my fucking nerves,
but I can't go round and knock on it and say,
can you keep it down, Bruno?
I'm trying to go through my notes here.
Yeah.
But anyway, Bruno, Virgo, and Tess Sanderson
weren't guests on the panels.
They were just there.
They just turned up.
They just brought them out,
all dressed in panto stuff. One of the saddest things you've ever seen in your life. Yeah just turned up. They just brought them out, all dressed in panto stuff.
One of the saddest things
you've ever seen in your life.
Yeah, I can imagine.
So they came out
and the question was,
who's been in the most pantomimes?
Right.
Right?
So they asked the teams
and they all gave their answers.
When they were given
the actual official answers,
they went, right,
so Tessa Sanderson,
she's been in seven pantomimes.
John Vogel's been in nine pantomimes.
So the winner is,
and then John Vogel went,
I've been in more than that.
And they were like, what? And I went, no, i've done loads more than that and it started like kicking off a little bit so then they stopped the recording right and i had to go out and i was going is
this anybody's weirdest night of their fucking life the tv recording's been stopped because
john virgo's haggling over how many pantos he's done. And then Virgo's giving it. No, I have. No.
I remember what I was doing with Jim Davidson.
I broke my leg in the matinee.
Couldn't do the night performance.
Davidson's made up with that because he got to do the show himself.
Next day I went back and I went,
and Jim Davidson made you move from the theatre because you were in a wheelchair.
There ain't nothing wrong Nothing wrong
With a little bit of bump and grind
Little bit of butter bump and grind
There ain't nothing wrong
There ain't nothing wrong
With a little bit of butter bump and grind
Butter bump and grind
Oh no
I don't want your number no
I don't want to give you my number no I don't want your number, no I don't want to give you my number, no
I don't want your number, no I don't want your number, no
I don't want no scrubs A scrub is the guy that can't get no love from me
Hanging on the passenger side of his best friend's ride Trying to holler at me. Scrubs, no scrubs, scrubs go chasing waterfalls. Listen
to the river, where it's a little deep. And your breath is a little deep. Don't worry,
you're nothing at all. Take it to the river. I get knocked down, but I got up again, you're never gonna keep me down.
I got knocked down, but I got up again, you're never gonna keep me down.
It's only words, and words are all I have to say this lovely way. A hip, a hip, a hip, a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a hippie did a be sorry is all that you
can say
years go by
you're mine
you're my favourite
waste of time
because you're too shy shy
hush hush hide away
too shy shy hush hush hide awayush, hide away. Too shy, shy.
Hush, hush, hide away.
So that's a response to all the people that say there isn't enough music in this podcast.
Uh-oh.
What?
What time is it?
I'm in trouble.
Someone's come along and has burst my bubble.
Ed's Amazing Dads. Oh, birds, birds. Ed's Amazing
Deaths. Right, okay. Ed's Amazing Deaths. Woohoo! Clap. Thank you. Looking forward to
this. Yeah, right, well. A new section from Ed. Ed's Amazing Deaths. Amazing births that
he used to do. Yeah, Amazing Deaths these days. Amazing Deaths he's doing now. Yeah.
He's come up with a new section. So, Amazing Deaths, everyone on our forum at PeacockandGamble.com
Yeah.
has been very, very helpful.
Have you been very happy with the forum on PeacockandGamble.com?
Because I said for ages that we should have a forum.
Yeah.
I said this for a long time.
Yeah, you did.
Because we were on Facebook.
Still on Facebook.
Still on Facebook, mate.
I'm not really bothering with it now.
Still on Facebook these days.
Facebook, the forum on there, never took off.
Well.
The discussions bit.
No, because it's a bit
hidden away,
isn't it?
Yeah,
people never really
went to it.
Yeah.
And I always said,
I used to go,
tell you what we need,
a forum on our own website.
People go to that
and other people go in,
no, no, Ray,
that's not what we're saying.
We're saying that you need
to lose weight.
And I'm going,
yeah, no,
but we should have a forum.
Yeah.
And people go to it,
you're all saying this
and they're going,
no, no,
we've got no issue
with the forum at all.
What we're saying is you're dangerously overweight now they're going no no we've got no issue with the forum at all what we're saying is
you're dangerously
overweight now
your heart's going to
give in at any point
and I'm going
we need a forum
on a website
and what's happened
why are you telling me this
I'm your doctor
people have gone there
and everyone's on there
talking on it already
and falling out
with each other already
yeah well I'm just glad
we've got a forum
like the Romans
and I think we should
have a pluvium put in.
I don't know what a pluvium is.
Rainwater, through the hole in the roof, into the bottom,
get a nice pool for drinking with your arses.
Not that sort of forum.
It's a different thing.
But don't worry about it.
You just think of it as a Roman house.
Okay.
Right.
But yeah, do come over to the forum on thepeacogummel.com.
Yeah.
It's nice, isn't it?
It's full of nubile slave women.
Yeah.
Are you doing Roman?
Roman house.
Yep.
So you're amazing deaths.
Yeah, so this has really kicked off on the forum.
This is basically going to be a forum-centred section.
Oh, okay.
If you guys can submit it, user-generated content.
I'm going to allow it.
Right.
Always with an air of hesitance.
Always.
Right.
Whenever we've done listener-generated content,
it's always just eventually eventually after about a day.
Yeah.
Started to really annoy us.
Okay.
Well, what I'll say is if you've got a good one.
Yeah.
Then I'll use it.
Because with your births, you used to have a policy of not using ones that listeners sent in.
I got, the thing is I got annoyed because then they'd.
They'd go and find them before you found them.
Yeah.
What people have been doing now, which I like, is they'll put up deaths from their family
which I could never
find on the internet.
Yeah, I mean,
this is so,
on so many levels
this isn't nice.
There was a,
now there was a couple
from Dylan from America.
Right.
Now, bless you Dylan,
but they both really
made me laugh
and I understand
at the time
they must have caused
a lot of pain.
But Amazing Death 1,
his great-grandfather
committed suicide
because he got
screwed in a deal selling some wood.
Now, that is not so much an amazing death.
Horrible, really.
Yeah, I mean, I found it so mundane that it was funny.
But he got screwed over in a deal selling some wood.
Now, this is in America.
They do that sort of thing in America.
They do sell wood in America.
They go, ah, I'm going to sell you some wood.
And then the man's obviously gone, put it in my camper van
and driven off with it. And Dylan's great-grand man's obviously gone, put it in my camper van.
And driven off with it.
And Dylan's great-grandfather's been left there with no wood and no money.
So he killed himself.
Yeah.
So that's amazing.
I mean, what I like that Dylan did, Dylan did it all in one sentence.
Yeah.
And it was brief and that made you laugh.
Yeah. What you then did is you arrived at the podcast and you went, I'll tell you what, even though
that one sentence has made me laugh, I'm going to drag did is you arrived at the podcast and you went, I'll tell you what, even though that one sentence
has made me laugh,
I'm going to drag this out
into a scenario
and do voices as well.
What was the second one
that you're going to expand on?
Now, I'll read it out
just normal now
seeing as you don't like
my storytelling skills.
A guy at my late grandmother's
old folks home
fell down some stairs.
Sorry, that is not really,
it is funny.
No.
Laid on the landing for a while, started to get up and fell down some stairs. Sorry, that is not really funny. Laid on the landing for a while,
started to get up,
and fell down some more stairs, laid on the
landing, then tried to get up, fell down a third
flight, the end.
Jim Sterling
has sent through a lovely touching tribute
for his nan. My nan
just died of Alzheimer's,
but I got a thousand quid out of it and got
an Xbox, so it's alright.
Okay.
So that is a lovely
that is an amazing death for Jim.
Is that amazing?
Yeah, it's a specifically amazing death.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That would be an amazing death.
Cag did one where he said
his great grandad
silly bugger was drunk
and fell in the river the Mersey.
Never found his body.
I'm not sure Cag
I don't even know if Cag's a boy or a girl
but I don't know
I don't know Cag
whether that is an amazing death.
No.
Unless it happened at least five years ago.
Yeah.
Because you can't assume that they're dead if their bodies have been found.
Right, well, nude.
I'm a bit unsure about this one.
My great uncle Jim Smith of the Smiths, not the band,
was walking his dog down New Road
when suddenly he realised he'd accidentally swapped his dog for an alligator
while at Chester Zoo.
Right, I'm stopping
that one straight away.
Right, yeah.
That's bollocks.
Yeah, that is bullshit.
Right, I don't believe
that for a minute
they don't have alligators
at Chester Zoo.
Newt's grandfather
didn't even have a dog
because dogs
weren't invented then.
Yeah, it was the old days
you idiot.
Yeah.
Rainer O'Neill,
my great uncle
shot my great aunt
in the face with a gun.
I mean, are we going to
actually, are we going
to carry on with this
as a section?
Is it, I mean,
is that an amazing death? I think that is an amazing death. Somebody being shot in the a section? Is that an amazing death?
I think that is an amazing death.
Somebody being shot in the face with a gun is an amazing death.
It might have been an accident.
Not even kidding, he got off with it as well.
The great auntie might have been dressed up as a rabbit for a party,
coming back from a party,
and great uncle in the garden, pissed, doing his hunting.
Pissed, doing his hunting.
She's walking down the gravel path.
Ah, there's another rabbit.
Oh, fuck, that was Jean.
Yeah, this is why I'm not confident in this section.
Right.
A death's bad enough as it is.
But these people are willing to post about it.
Yeah, they're willing to post.
They're not agreeing for you to then expand on it
and say to Ryan O'Neill, right,
and say, my great uncle shot my great auntie in the face
with a gun.
We don't know what's happened, but you're speculating.
Yeah.
He was pissed in the garden playing hunting.
And his great auntie came home dressed as a rabbit.
Yeah, from a party.
Yeah.
Fates.
That's the bit they're not necessarily...
She was a teacher at a school.
Right, don't expand it anymore.
And they were like, because normally she's quite an uptight head mistress at the school.
But then she's like, oh, we're at the fete.
I've had a couple of pims.
I'll get my face painted like a rabbit to
cheer up the children
oh it's a face
painting now
yeah face painting
like a rabbit and
then she's off home
full of the joys of
the world bang
in that case I think
he knew what he was
doing because I
don't believe pissed
or not that if she
came home just with
her face painted he
would have thought it
was genuinely a rabbit
you've made a mockery
of the legal system.
I've run British TV this last week.
Often they have specials on Channel 4.
Yeah.
Where Darren Brown will do something. Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay. Okay. Darren Brown will do something. Bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak b It's like mind control and maybe hypnotism a little bit I suppose. Right.
And he often does these big sort of set ups.
He did one where he chose the last three numbers apparently.
Okay.
I mean it's all tricksy and that but it's very impressive.
Sorry can we just go back to what is the thing you're doing?
The what?
It's what I'm saying Darren Brown.
Sorry what?
Ed, do you know you went on holiday last year with that man off the television?
Yeah.
With the eyes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How much of that do you remember?
I know that I had a lovely time.
Yeah, you went away with Derren Brown, didn't you?
I'm going to have to cut it short on this section.
Oh, shit. What's up? I completely forgot. What? The Pope's coming to stay at my section. Oh, shit.
What's up?
I completely forgot.
What?
The Pope's coming to stay at my house.
Oh, shit.
I've not done anything.
I've not prepared it.
Kevin!
Is it that one?
He gets here in a bit.
Why are you putting the Pope up?
He just called up,
and he said,
I need someone to stay in London.
And I said, I'm just outside London.
Right, don't panic.
So, when is he coming?
I think he's here in a couple of days' time.
And I've literally, I've not made any preparation for him.
Right, well, first off, you've got to bless the water.
Right.
That's very important.
Actually, no, he'll do that himself.
He'll do that.
Will he do that?
I can't do that, can I?
I was going to say, I can't bless the water.
No, he'll do that.
Will he?
Yeah.
Second off, have you got any children at your house?
No.
Right, you'll need to get some of them in case any of his friends come.
Right, okay.
Right, if he brings
any Catholic priests with him.
I've got to lay some children on.
Just to make sure,
just in case,
not all of them will want to do it.
Right, okay.
Not all of them,
but some of them will.
If he brings some Catholic priests,
some of them will definitely
want to fuck children.
Right.
Right?
Not allegedly, definitely.
Right.
If he brings all the Catholic priests
in the world with him.
Some of them will want to fuck children. Some of them will want to fuck children.
Some of them will want to fuck children who are in their care.
Right, so children, one tick.
Right.
I'll get some of them.
Secondly, have you got anything in your house...
Yeah.
...that says anything about the Holocaust?
No.
Right, that's a good thing,
because they just don't like to talk about it.
Right.
They don't like to look at it.
Right.
They don't like to think it's even gone on.
Right.
You know, they just like to turn the other cheek.
I've got, like, some films and stuff that might be about it.
Have you got Schindler's List?
Yeah, I might have that knocking about.
Pop that on top of the wardrobe.
Right, okay.
Right, at no point suggest,
hey, should we watch Schindler's List?
I mean, for the Pope as well.
Yeah.
He'll sit there.
He might get a bit blushy.
You know what's going to happen?
What?
One of the priests is going to fuck a child
onto the top of the wardrobe
and Schindler's List is going to fall down.
It's going to fall down.
That's going to be embarrassing, isn't it?
Right.
It's going to be like Duty Free, the sitcom.
Or like a raccoon-y farce.
And everyone's going to go,
Don't go on that DVD of Schindler's List!
The Pope is coming round!
And now, in terms of what they eat. Yeah. Catholics.
Biscuits, isn't it?
Yeah.
They're little wafers.
Rusks.
Is it rusks?
I thought they were like little crisps.
Rusks, crisps.
Like discos.
They're like discos, aren't they?
That's what they eat.
I'll get him some discos.
I'll get him some load of Catholics.
Jesus body flavour.
Get him that.
Right, and Ribena, isn't it?
A bit of bloody Ribena, yeah.
A bit of bloody Ribena.
Or wine, if you want.
Or wine.
If it's Sunday.
I don't want him
getting pissed.
He won't get pissed,
he sips it.
Right.
I think he'll be out
a lot as well.
Where's he going?
Blue Water.
He's visiting all
the sites, isn't he?
I would love it if
the Pope, on his
official visit, which
is costing the tax
payer a lot of money.
Yeah.
Right, which I'm not
going to pay my tax
next year because of it.
Shut up.
No, I'm actually not.
You're not going to
pay your tax.
Can't you work out the bit that you owe for the Pope? No, I'm being a conscious objector. I'm to pay my tax next year because of it. Shut up. No, I'm actually not. You're not going to pay your tax? I'm not paying my tax next year. Can't you work out the bit that you owe for the Pope?
No, I'm being a conscientious objector.
I'm not paying my tax next year.
Right, because the Pope's coming.
Yeah, if any of my tax money goes to the Pope, I'm not paying it.
Right.
I've been thinking this for quite a while anyway.
Right.
About the war and all that.
Right.
I'm not happy with it.
Yeah, you're not.
I'm really not.
You said that as if you're the first person to say anything against the war.
Tell you what, no one's said this yet, right? This war, I'm not not you said that as if you're the first person to say anything again tell you what no one's said this yet
right
this war
I'm not happy with it
everyone's going
oh we better be quiet
but I'm not happy
with this war
I'm not happy
that tax money
goes to it
I'm not
and then this government
that's in at the moment
seems to be getting
a bit obsessed
with going
oh all these benefits
not having that
yeah
not having all the benefits
and that
oh just pay for that
pope to go and sit over there
like tell you what
all these people
haven't got any money
right we're not giving them money if they can't get a job then they're not having I'll just pay for that pope to go and sit over there. Say what, all these people haven't got any money, right?
We're not giving them money.
If they can't get a job
and they're not having any money,
just pay for that war.
There's a bit of money
for a bomb.
Right, as I was saying,
all these people
who are poor,
probably working class and that,
we're not,
we're going to cut
all their benefits and that.
Well, I will only pay my taxes
if all of it goes to the war.
Right, okay,
so you're going to
counterbalance it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And the pope, the pope and the war. Pope and the war. The pope and the war. You're going to count and balance it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, right. Yeah, and the Pope.
The Pope and the war.
Pope and the war.
The Pope and the war.
You mean that's what he was, then?
Yeah, exactly, yeah.
Actually, do I have to sort a Popemobile?
Because I can get him on the back of my mum's car and put some cling film over him for protection
of the bullets.
That'll be fine.
Would that be alright?
I think he expects that.
Yeah.
How late does he stay up?
Because I am late.
I like my sleep.
So you go to bed about midnight-ish, don't you?
About midnight one, yeah.
And then get up at about three in the afternoon.
He does midnight maths, doesn't he?
Some days he does.
Yeah.
I think Christmas, I think that is.
Christmas.
It's not Christmas now.
It does start earlier and earlier.
No, it's always 25th of December.
Right, okay.
I'll check that with him, actually.
No, I bet you he says it.
Right.
Christmas is always 25th of December, definitely.
Yeah, okay.
He probably won't do midnight maths while he's over here.
Right, okay.
Particularly not if he's been to Blue Water in the afternoon.
He'll be tucking out, won't he?
He will be tucking out.
He'll be playing with his Lego from the Lego store.
I mean, I like the idea of the Pope when he's doing his visits,
looking quite anxious.
No, there's all, like, Catholics there,
all cheering and crying and chucking their walking sticks away.
And you can see him just looking at his watch going,
two-sided shots at six.
I want to go and have
a look at myself in it.
So you perhaps saw
on thepeacockandgamble.com
or on the Facebook page
and stuff
that our friend Molly
who we spoke about
a few weeks ago,
we mentioned her in the intro a few weeks ago,
she died this week.
Yeah.
She's away.
And it's been a long time coming.
She's been very, very poorly.
But it's still been horrible.
I've known Molly for many, many years.
Went to university with her and stuff.
And lovely.
And, you know, people say about cancer
and that about how it's not fair
and all the rest of it.
And it just felt particularly unfair
with Molly
because there wasn't a bad bone in her body and she was just it it's horrible that she went through what
she went through and now she's away and she was a big fan of the podcast and when she started
listening to the podcast i got quite weird about it really well because i knew she had cancer yeah
and i was going oh you just like there's a thing about this boy fraser and you don't and she's
always fine it's fine i was like no but it really doesn't no but really though it's really it's a thing about this boy Fraser. And she was like, oh, it's fine, it's fine.
I was like, no, but even...
No, it really doesn't.
No, but really, though, it's really...
It's a weird thing, because I know that Molly now would...
If I could speak to Molly now, which I can't, but I wish I could,
but if I could speak to Molly now, I know,
and if I was saying, what do you want us to do on the podcast,
she would encourage me to misbehave.
Yeah.
But the problem is now it's not for Molly,
it's for people around us here.
Yeah, yeah.
You've got to behave
a little bit
yeah
so I can't misbehave
I'm just really really
gutted about it
but she was
she was so funny
and I'm not sure
if we ever
said this on the podcast
before but I'd like
I want to say it now
if we have said it before
I apologise
but fuck it
it's really really funny
I don't know if you remember
very early on in the podcast
I spoke about having a CT scan
I do
I know you did
because you were here
won't you remember
you were sat near me
I was sat here
just where I am now
and when I came out of the CT scanner,
I did a joke to the nurse who was stood there.
Yeah.
I came out of the tunnel and I went,
I'm a brown, right?
Brilliant joke.
Yeah.
Now, Molly thought that was a brilliant joke as well.
Yeah.
And then earlier, I think it was this year or late last year,
Molly had to go for, she had liver failure.
It was a secondary thing from the cancer.
Yeah.
She had liver failure, so it was all jaundice and stuff.
And went into hospital
for a CT scan
and she called me up
and she went,
hey, your joke backfired.
I went, what do you mean?
She went, I did your joke,
your joke that you did
on the podcast.
I was like, what joke?
She went, that one about
Emma Brown.
And I went, oh, for the CT scanner?
She was like, yep,
backfired on me.
And I went, why?
What happened?
And she came out
of the CT scanner
and she remembered the joke
and said to the nurse,
Emma Brown.
And the nurse went,
no, you're still yellow.
It was a brilliant funny
story yeah and it
was what and that's
kind of what she was
like and that was
she she dealt with
the horrible situation
in with great humor
and took the piss
out of it I mean if
you go back on our
Facebook fan page
yeah you will see
there was one day
and I can't remember
the details of it
but there's one day
when the fans were
particularly acting up
yeah
you know we've all seen
them on the Facebook page
there were certain
cunts who pipe up
every now and again
and get everyone's tits
and I remember
one day when Molly
said to me
do you want me to go on there
and shut it up
and I was like
yeah
she just went on there
and just started talking
about her cancer
and everyone just
stopped talking
it was fucking brilliant
that she'd gone there
deliberately to make them all be quiet so I'll miss her terribly she was my very very good friend cancer and everyone just stopped talking it was fucking brilliant that she'd gone there deliberately
to make them all be quiet so i'll miss her terribly she was my very very good friend my
very beautiful friend and i'm i'm heartbroken that she's gone and she was listening to the
podcast according to her sister she was listening to the podcast like nearly right up to the end
when she was she'd been given to the end of the weekend to live and was listening to the podcast
and i find that i'm'm tremendously honoured by that.
I still find it fucking ridiculous,
Mo,
that you would choose to spend
your last hours listening to it.
But at the same time,
I am deeply honoured
and I love you to pieces.
And that's another one this year.
Another one gone.
Is it us or are we a jinx?
I think we might be, mate.
We're on Frank's side,
but I'm with my friend Molly.
I mean, I don't want,
I hope it's not us that are the jinx,
but yeah, yeah, gutted. So so um well this one's for you fuck it all the ones up to this one for you yeah i'm hot it's horrible that you won't hear this one so sorry for being
mawkish about it and that but she wasn't a very good friend and it and it's horrible and and i
spoke to her when just before she died and she's like literally just before it died, and she's, like, literally just before it, and she said, please, can you do,
Ray does a food.
No!
Please, can you do a food for us, Ray?
I'm going to die in a minute now.
So, please, can you do your brilliant section?
No, she didn't.
She did?
Oh, oh, thanks a lot, Ed.
So, you're going to stop me doing this,
even though it was my friend's dying wish.
She didn't.
Oh, I'm sorry to everybody that knew, Molly,
because Ed is being disrespectful.
Molly, I'm sorry to you,
wherever you are in heaven or something,
but I can't do that section.
She didn't ask you to.
Ed has said I can't do it, Mol.
Sorry about that.
You can't use the death of your friend
to try and resurrect a section.
No, she said it.
She said do it for me.
She didn't.
She said something like that.
She didn't say anything like that.
She did.
You were there the other day
when I was speaking to her
on the telephone.
No, I spoke to her
on the telephone.
I know you did.
Did she not say to you
do her food?
No, she said she was going
to send you loads of pictures
of her having her drip put in
to make you faint.
Yeah, that is true actually.
Yeah, yeah.
She didn't do that.
No, she didn't.
For that.
I think she probably
didn't do that
because you nearly fainted
when I was relaying
what she was saying on the phone.
Oh, God almighty.
She did.
She found it hilarious.
But anyway,
she also did say
gotta do a food.
No, she didn't.
Fine then.
Alright, won't do it.
Right, good.
Bacon.
Peacock and Gamble podcast
was devised and performed
by Ray Peacock
and Ed Gamble.
All music by The Tiger Lilies, except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Seidmutter.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a Ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk.
See you next week.