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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
I'll just take a quick register.
Peacock?
Here.
Gamble?
Here.
Well, good. Then we can commence.
Are you being an Edmaster today? Yes.
I like that. Thank you very much. No talking in assembly, please.
Sir, can I just make a very quick point?
Yes, Peacock, we do have a lot of stuff to get on with.
This one is pre-recorded. I beg your pardon?
Well, this podcast has been recorded at the same time as the last one.
Yes. I'm just saying that in case people are saying,
oh, why have they not done anything about the amazing deaths and that?
Yes.
Why are they not up to date?
Why are they from ages ago?
Yeah.
It's because it's ages ago.
That's all it is.
Yeah.
Because we're out and about
too busy to do it.
Yes.
Well, thank you, Peacock.
I feel weird calling you sir then.
No, you should call me sir.
It's the traditional way
of addressing a headmaster.
Now, sporting achievements.
The A team of rugby
beats the rival
school. Who's that?
Your improvisations are so good, Ed.
St Leonard's
school. And what school is this we're in?
St Comedy.
It is St Comedy, isn't it?
St Comedy's school for the gifted.
And our rival school is St Leonard's. St Leonard's? St. Comedy's school for the gifted. And our rival school is St. Leonard's.
St. Leonard's idiot school.
But they're very rough.
I think we should go that one, really.
Yeah.
Anyway, we beat them in the rugby 50-0.
Nice one.
That's a good result, hasn't it?
Is it in the cup?
Yeah, in the cup of it.
In the inter-schools cup.
Yeah.
We won that.
So if anyone's saying, who the hell are these people
doing this podcast? What have they ever achieved?
We won the bloody inter-schools cup
and we were defending it.
We won it last year and all.
I don't think they'll ever beat us.
Oh, fucking St. Leonard's.
Some sad news. Mr Pompey
has had to leave the Latin department
as his wife. As it's utterly
irrelevant.
As his wife has run off.
And he's chasing her. Imagine that.
And then, obviously, the cleaners left
as well because he's running behind them playing the Benny Hill
music. A lot of teachers
leave, don't they? They do leave, yeah.
Because they have breakdowns and that. It's a shame.
It's like that one you were friends
with who cut his eyes off.
Cut his tear ducts out.
Alright, that was it.
Yeah, that one.
Something along those lines.
Yeah.
So, yeah,
so bear in mind,
sorry, sir,
bear in mind,
I can't call you sir,
I find it,
sometimes,
I tell you what,
when a girl calls me sir,
right,
in a sexy way,
Yeah.
I don't know why,
but it does.
And I've never ever,
I've never once asked
someone to call me sir.
They just do it.
Or is it because you turn up
in the middle of the night
wearing a mortar board
and a gown
pretty much
it's not even a teacher thing
right
I think maybe
I pretend I have been knighted
I think I imply it
would it turn you on even more
if they called you
Sir Terry Wogan
I'd just fill my pants
I think maybe I do sometimes...
Maybe I say,
oh, this sex reminds me of that time I met the Queen.
And she put that sword on either side of my head.
And then after that, they just assume I am.
Do you then knight them with...
Yeah, I have to stand right close, though.
Welcome to the show.
Got a text from you the other night. Oh, that's lucky for you. Yeah, when I you the other night oh that's lucky for you yeah when i say the other night yeah i mean 4 53 a.m that's morning then strictly speaking that's morning it's more that's seven
minutes till they start doing breakfast at mcdonald's but i wasn't queuing outside mcdonald's
for breakfast i was asleep yeah well then that's why you needed waking up.
Come on.
Right.
Come on, get down there.
Get your McNugget.
Oh, no, not McNugget.
What did he make?
Sausage.
McSausage.
McSausage.
Can we get a McSausage and a Nash Brown?
A McFuller McEnglish.
McCoffee and all if you want.
Right, well, if you'd wanted to wake me up from McDonald's,
usually like a call or I would have set an alarm would have worked.
Imagine if they did a McBlack Pudding.
That would be awkward to say, wouldn't it?
McBlackPudding.
Especially if you're at the drive-thru.
But if you were waking me up...
McPudding.
McPudding.
Sounds like Black Pudding, doesn't it?
McPudding.
McPudding.
Do you want a McPudding with that?
Yes, please do.
Thank you.
You'd never want to, though, would you?
No, you wouldn't.
You'd order two, eat one and go,
I can't eat another black pudding.
McPudding.
McPudding.
Right, well, this is the way you woke me up, anyway.
What other foods are there that you want, and then...
We're not doing this section again.
No.
You can't try and sneak this section in.
You can't try and sneak it.
That's not what I was doing.
I'm saying, what other foods are there that you want more of,
but then when you get it, you can't eat it?
This can't be a new regular section.
Let's just try it for one week.
No!
Right, agis.
Agis is one this week.
You have one of them.
No, you always think you can eat more of it than you can.
Right.
Agis.
So that's that.
That's that new section I'm saying.
You woke me up with the text I really like
Stelios off EasyJet
because he really
made something of himself
do you like Stelios
on EasyJet
I think he's a self-made
man and I like that
but I don't know
I don't know if he is or not
but I think he is
I think he is
he's a self-made man
isn't he
I think he is
he started off as an and
and then just crawled
about getting all his
other bits
and just putting himself
together until he was
big and made EasyJet
yeah he just used to roll about
in a medical bin.
What at 4.53
in the morning prompted you to say
this is the point in the night
when I wish to make my feelings
on Stelios from EasyJet known
to Ed? Yeah, well, I would imagine
here's my guesses. Right.
I would imagine that I'd thought
oh, I've not spoke to Ed.
Yeah.
For a bit, and I've been away for ages.
That would have been one thing that would have come to my head.
Yeah.
The other thing would have been, I probably was flicking through channels and saw something
about EasyJet.
Right.
And he came on.
I mean, I really miss, he used to be on Adverts, didn't he go, hi, I'm Stelios.
And then he would say stuff and that.
He doesn't do them anymore.
Yeah, he doesn't need to, mate.
He really doesn't need to.
Why?
Just because he's not.
Why has he not taken into account that people might miss him?
Sorry, I was just checking to see if you'd said anything to me before that.
You'd not spoken to me.
That's dead else.
At 2am, you texted me to call me a queer, so I don't...
Well, again, I think what I did there was I would have been flicking through the channels
and I've seen one of the gays that they have on, like Graham Norton or someone, and
I'd have gone, oh, I might call Ed as a joke.
I don't mind if you are.
I'm not even bothered if you are, so don't detect that person if you are.
You clearly fancy Stelios.
I would, if push came to shove
and I would shove it
then I think
if I had to choose
one man
if I had to accept a man
Yeah, it would be Stelios.
It would probably be Stelios.
Stelios from EasyJet.
Yeah, Stelios off EasyJet.
And I don't know how it would
I don't know what order
we'd do it in
I don't know who'd do what
I've no idea how it would work out.
You'd probably pay two quid
for every thrust.
He would, wouldn't he?
He would, no. He'd be like,
oh, hello, you can have
sex with me. It's only... One pound?
One pound, one pound to have sex.
And I'd be giving it, yeah, brilliant, come on, yeah.
And he'd be like, oh, you want to take my pants
off? Oh. That is nine pounds.
Pants tax. Yeah.
Don't forget your
pants tax, he would say.
And I'd go, well, alright,, that's still only a tenner,
so that's all right,
if we have sex, we'll sell it off for me, Jack.
And then he would go,
oh, you want to kiss me under the mouth?
Well, that is a kiss tax.
A hundred pence, because he's clever.
A hundred pence, yeah, yeah.
A hundred pence, and I'd go,
that sounds like, oh, no, it's only a pound.
Yeah.
I don't know why he'd do it that way.
Anyway, the fact of the matter is...
And then at the end, you'd be like,
oh, I'm knackered after that.
Yeah.
Can I have a tube of Pringles?
Just a little one.
£15.
Yeah, £15.
And a little bottle of gin.
And a little half one, yeah.
And that's free.
Yeah.
It'd probably end up costing me in the region of four grand.
To have sex with Stelios for a bit of debt.
Yeah.
Pay it.
Yeah.
I don't know what had happened that night. That is the honest answer. I don't know what had happened
that night
that is the honest answer
I don't know why
I was doing it
I think that was
the same night
in fact I'm sure it was
when someone had been
on our forum
on the Peacock and Gamble
forum
on peacockandgamble.com
and had said
because they were all
talking about
one man one jar
because we'd been
discussing that
and then someone
had brought up
something about
an octopus
oh I saw that
in a lady's tuppence
yeah
but there's two different ones right okay you've done the full research yeah there's one massive one yeah Someone had brought up something about an octopus. Oh, I saw that. In a lady's tuppence. Yeah.
But there's two different ones.
Right, okay.
You've done the full research.
Yeah, there's one massive one.
Yeah.
Big octopus being pulled out of a lady's tuppence.
I've seen that. And they were all saying she's Japanese, but you can't even see her.
Well, I think that's just the vibe of it.
Well, I don't...
I got...
It's because of sushi.
Right.
Well, I'm not getting that vibe at all.
Because there was a dead octopus coming out.
I thought, pop that on a bit of rice.
Right, so that's...
Yeah.
So you just assume she's Japanese. Yeah. But the other one was a dead octopus coming out. I thought, pop that on a bit of rice. Right, so that's a huge Japanese.
Yeah.
But the other one was a lady on all fours,
and they pop a live octopus in there.
Oh, dear.
Only a little one.
Oh, dear.
But she holds it open for them while they pop it in,
and then she lets go, and it all closes,
and the octopus is still inside, and she makes noises
like she's having a nice, sexy time. That's Janet,'s janet the only human aquarium she's got a window in her belly
but don't tap on the glass well yeah so somebody mentioned that so i went and found that one as
well yeah and there was just a moment this site that it was on i was having a whale of a time on
there oh there was one with a whale no i. I was having... No, I mean, I was really enjoying it.
It was all like porn bloopers
and stuff.
Right.
But it was all like
porn stars, like,
flipping out and getting angry
and still not upset.
Right.
And things that had been filmed,
just like little sort of
curio stuff,
mostly about sex things.
I was really enjoying watching it.
Okay.
Like, I was finding it
genuinely entertaining.
Yeah.
Not even slightly arousing
in any way.
Yeah.
I was laughing as well,
in case I got caught watching it.
So I could go, no, it is funny.
It is a funny one, yeah.
Three stars.
Three stars, some funny bits.
And then, right, there was one, and it was this girl in a field, right, all drunk up
and that, and all these drunk blokes all round her.
Right.
And I was like, oh, what's going to happen to her?
Yeah.
And they were, like, pulling her shirt up and that.
I was like, oh, but she's laughing.
It's all right.
Yeah.
And then one of them just punches her in the face.
Like, punches her really hard in the face. She falls to the ground. He kicks her in the, but she's laughing. It's alright. Yeah. And then one of them just punches her in the face. Like, punches her really hard in the face.
She falls to the ground. He kicks her in the head
and she falls down. Oh. And the other blokes
are pushing her away and I was like, what the fuck's happened here?
I was having a laugh then.
Where did that come from?
She probably feels a bit worse. I'm not saying I'm the only
victim. Right.
But I was really, I was like, really put
out. Yeah. I was so cross. I was like,
no, it was all... Oh, I'm sorry it ruined your evening, mate.
Yeah, but it was all funny stuff for a bit.
Yeah.
But I started thinking then that night about what's legal and what's not legal.
Right, you can't punch a woman in the head.
No, I don't mean that.
I mean in terms of watching stuff on the internet.
So, for example, right, so Two Girls, One Cup.
Yeah.
Massive viral on the internet.
Yeah.
And everyone has seen it.
Yeah.
Right?
The Jar Man.
Jar Man, yeah. Right, with a jar bursting in his bum, blunkers everywhere. Yeah. Everyone has seen it right the jar man jar man yeah
jar burst in his bum
blunkers everywhere
everyone has seen that
that's even worse
than 2001
because it's very
very graphic
then there's Mr. Hands
that one
the man who was
one man one horse
oh right
one man one horse
yeah
the man with
an horse's
John Thomas
up his bum
horse done a sex in it
killed him dead
yeah right and it was that when I got to that I thought isn't that illegal forces John Thomas up his bum, forced him to sex in it, killed him dead.
Right?
And it was that,
when I got to that,
I thought,
isn't that illegal?
That a man died because of it.
No, but isn't it illegal to watch?
If I just put some bestiality up on the internet now,
would it be legal for us to watch it?
I think it is illegal, isn't it?
Yeah, I think it's illegal. It's an illegal act, so.
Yeah, so we're watching illegal, so.
But watching an illegal act,
is that illegal?
Is it only because he died
is that what's made it alright
because then
then it's become
then it's like news
no but then it's like
a funny little thing
like oh
look at this bloke
obviously he'll end up
dying this bloke
there's a story about it
we'll have a look at this
do reaction videos and stuff
so but when is that
did he win 250 quid
he would have done
I tell you what
but even that
even if it was a quid a stitch
it wouldn't have worked
would it
but why is it why is itid a stitch, it would not work, would it?
But why is it alright?
Would it be alright to watch some child porn as long as something funny happens in it?
If one of the children does a trump, is it... Well, they do say the funniest things, we do know this.
They do say the funniest things, the funniest noises.
But not in those videos.
Don't say funny things, you put me off.
But I don't know, what is the rule on that?
Do you know what I mean, though?
Yeah, I do.
Why are people not getting done for watching One Man, One Horse?
But why do people not get done for watching Bud Dwyer as well?
Because that's not illegal.
Why not?
Because that happened on live television.
But then you could argue the JFK, couldn't you?
You could say with JFK, it's not illegal to show that.
It should be illegal to watch the war in Iraq
because that is
an illegal war
right
this is why you're
never going to get
invited on the right stuff
because even for a moment
even if I bring up
an actual
interesting point
right
and your response
to that
isn't to join
in the conversation
your response
is to go
hey
tell you,
it should be illegal
to watch war in Iraq.
Tony Blair.
All right, I'll join in.
Come on, let's play the right stuff.
Russell Cain was on it the other week.
Come on.
We can't get on the right stuff.
We want to get on the right stuff.
We know people that work at Princess.
Right.
What's that bloke called?
Murray.
Murray Walker.
James.
No, not Murray Walker. Murray James. Murray Walker's the commentator, bloke called? Murray. Murray Walker. James. No not Murray Walker.
Murray James.
Murray Walker's the
commentator isn't he?
Yeah.
Right Murray James
well see if he's
meant to listen to this
because I'm sick.
Alright get us
some of the right stuff.
Murray can we get
some of the right stuff?
Is it alright to watch
porn when you punch
a woman in the head?
Yeah.
That would be you
putting that on the
side of the screen.
That's what I want to
talk about Saturday
is the one diamond.
Yeah.
You want to hear about my driving? I want to hear about Saturdays to Ann Diamond. Yeah. You want to hear about my driving?
Do I want to hear about your driving?
Yeah, do you want a driving update?
If you want.
All right, it's going pretty well.
Nice one.
I think I can pretty much drive.
Yeah, not on a test.
No, but you know what I mean?
Like, I can drive.
Yeah.
Like, why do we need to take...
Why can't we just take it on trust?
I'm a trustworthy bloke.
I don't know why people who are liars ruin it for the ones who are nice.
Same with insurance, isn't it?
Yeah.
It's like, why should I pay insurance when I'm not going to have an accident?
Yeah, exactly.
Trust me.
I'm not going to have an accident.
And if everyone could be trusted not to have an accident, there would never be any accidents.
Yeah.
And also, I'll say on the record yeah if i ever do have a fatal accident
yeah i've done it on purpose so that's yeah sort the insurance out from there's not an accident
yeah well it's going pretty well mate like i say i can drive um forwards backwards do your left if
you want possibly a right yeah possibly a right possibly a right yeah i'm not very good at
indicating that i forget to indicate well Well, people, you know,
you're going to go one of two ways, aren't you?
Exactly.
Why can't people trust that you're going to go...
Why can't they have some trust in you?
Yeah, exactly.
You are going to turn one way
or carry on going straight.
Or go straight on, yeah.
Or backwards.
Yeah, or backwards.
Forwards, backwards, left, maybe right.
Yeah, maybe right.
It's unlikely.
Basically, if you burned it out in the car,
it's unlikely it's going to go right.
But it might give it a crack one day.
Yeah, one day I will, yeah.
If it's feeling confident,
or if that's where the pie shop is.
I can do all my manoeuvres.
What ones?
Parallel Park, can do that.
Right.
Fucking amazing at it, if I'm honest.
A lot of bad drivers tend to be.
Right.
Bad drivers tend to be very good at Parallel Park,
that's what I've found. Right, I'm excellent at that. Yeah. Left reverse around the corner. Yeah. Bad drivers tend to be. Right. Bad drivers tend to be very good at parallel parking.
That's what I found.
Right.
I'm excellent at that.
Yeah.
Left reverse around the corner.
Yeah.
Awesome.
Yeah, again.
Awesome at that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Turn in the road.
Yeah.
Try and stop me turning in the road.
Okay, yeah.
Sometimes I'm on the motorway, I think I'll just do a turn in the road because I'm so good at it.
Yeah.
Absolutely brilliant at it.
Yeah.
Penis in the mouth.
I'm very, very good at that one.
He's told me I'm good at that one.
And that's all of them.
He said it's good that I do that one the best because that is the one that is most likely
to come up in the test.
Yeah.
You're probably right, you know, that he probably will.
Because he knows his mate is the person who takes the test.
And he said it's really likely to come up in that test.
Probably will now, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have you put in for your test?
I've not yet, no.
Because I'll be having lots more practicing the penis in the mouth.
Yeah, I mean, basically, it's quite straightforward.
We use Wimbledon Common.
Okay, that's quiet.
Park up round there.
Yeah.
He always makes me do the observations first.
Yeah, look around.
See if anyone's coming.
Yeah, you got it, haven't you? Yeah. Obviously, indicate the sort of things I'm going to do. Yeah. Um, I, he always makes me do the observations first. Yeah. I've got to see if anyone's coming. Yeah.
Yeah.
You got it,
haven't you?
Yeah.
Um,
obviously indicate the sort of things I'm going to do.
Right.
He's like,
okay,
indicate,
point to the penis,
put the penis in the mouth.
Yeah.
Um,
and then just towards the end,
just to,
just a little quarter turn.
Right.
Okay.
And you can do that.
Just a quick twist.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that,
um,
that,
that's brilliant.
I think that's,
that's the one that's going to,
he said, I'm brilliant at that. the one that's going to have you pass.
He said you're good at that. Yeah, he said I'm brilliant at that.
And his mate's going to probably
do it in the test.
Yeah, it's definitely going to come up
in the test, he said.
I was never any good
at the penis in the mouth.
Were you not?
No, I used to sometimes
just literally point blank
refuse to do it.
Oh, right.
And you still passed?
Yeah, I passed my test easy.
But I'm not saying
things are different then.
You didn't have to parallel park
when I passed my test.
Oh, do you know you've done it right?
Well, you can always tell.
It's difficult with the parallel park.
Obviously, there's a certain...
You look out the door
and you can see if you're close to the line or whatever.
Of course.
With the penis in the mouth manoeuvre,
you can always tell if you've done it right.
How?
There's quite a lot of liquid from the penis into the mouth.
What did you do with that?
See, this is the thing.
He says you can do either in the test., this is the thing. He says, you can
do either in the
test.
You can spit or
swallow.
When I hit you on
the back of the
head?
Yeah.
He gets the
clipboard on the
dashboard.
He smacks it on
the dashboard.
He goes, ah!
Like that.
He does that.
The liquid from
the penis into the
mouth.
Then he said, you
can spit or swallow,
but you're more likely to impress the person taking the test if you swallow.
Does it really matter?
No, I mean, you're not going to get a minor or a major point off for spitting,
as long as it's in your mouth for a certain amount of time.
But if you swallow, I think then he's more likely to let you off
for a minor infraction later.
That's lovely.
It's a lovely update, that.
One that we'll be sure to send to your mum.
A lovely update, that.
Yeah.
One that will be short to 70 a month.
Oh, my God, what's that?
That's amazing.
It's time for Ed's Amazing Deaths.
That's nice.
I like that.
Yeah, that's a little intro.
A little intro.
I've been looking forward to it.
Have you?
Ed's Amazing Deaths.
Oh, bless you.
Yeah, I support this section.
I was thinking maybe this week
we could talk about, like, deaths on stage. What do you mean? I don't mean. Yeah, I support this section. I was thinking maybe this week we could talk about deaths on stage.
What do you mean?
I don't mean like Tommy Cooper and that.
I mean like, I'm a comedian, you're a comedian.
Sometimes it doesn't work.
Yeah.
Right?
Same as any job.
You might work in a factory on a lathe.
Some days you're going to do all your lathing fine.
Another day you might take a finger off.
You know, so we all have fuck-ups at work.
Yeah.
And sometimes for comedians, you know, we'll have an odd gig or something.
Yeah.
So I thought we'd maybe discuss...
I wonder who's one we're going to talk about.
Well, it's Ed's amazing death.
I've had odd gigs.
I have had odd gigs.
I know you have.
I can't remember a death.
Or maybe the Comedia Brighton.
Yeah, I was going to say that one.
Yeah, I can't remember.
Where you're comparing it and you had to go on with a hat in the second
section as the disguise.
That wasn't even my
worst ever gig.
That was the, I think
that was the night
before.
Right.
When I'd not done
particularly well.
Yeah.
But I started fucking
with them and going
out in disguise and
saying, oh, has
anyone seen my
twin brother?
Oh, he came on, he
can't do comedy, you
wouldn't have liked
him.
And you'd have
thought they'd have thought
they'd have found that funny
and they did for a minute
yeah
then they
I think then they realised
that it was me in disguise
and just hated me again
yeah
but I know there was a Saturday night
light show that came out
I never went there again
I've never been there again
right
where I just
I fucking
took it through the floor
I mean I wasn't doing well
yeah
and I thought
fuck this
fuck this
I'm gonna if you think this is bad I'm gonna I'm't doing well. Yeah. And I thought, fuck this. Fuck this.
I'm going to, if you think this is bad,
I'm going to really go for it.
And I did, and I was offensive.
I mean, properly offensive.
Really?
Yeah.
And I just, they despised me.
I think I did about 39 minutes.
Meant to do 20.
Wouldn't get off.
Simply wouldn't get off.
All I could hear was Al Pitcher behind the curtain laughing.
Absolutely murdered it.
Murdered it.
It was quite clear it was never going to work.
They weren't going to bump me back.
Yeah.
So fuck it, I'll ruin their club.
I think they reported record losses that year.
I'd like to take some sort of claim for that. Yeah.
I think they were going to go bankrupt or something.
So I'd like to think I was a major part in that. In that I think they were going to go bankrupt or something. I like to think
I was a major part
in that.
In that none of
that audience ever
went there again.
I hope so anyway.
What deaths have
you had on stage?
The one you're
referring to.
The one you're
definitely referring to.
It's my favourite death.
Is Northampton
Picture Drone.
God almighty
it was my favourite
night ever.
It was only about my
I think it was like
my 40th gig ever.
I could watch it.
I wish I had it on video. I wish more than anything
in the world I had it on video because
and I've seen you, I've seen you loads do gigs
I always enjoy it when you do
well. So please don't think that I just
like it when you don't do well.
But that night is my absolute
favourite gig of yours. I tell you what
I remember it distinctly obviously
but I was alright.
I know,
but god,
the eight,
yeah.
Yeah,
I was quite good though,
but that gig's horrible anyway.
Oh,
Northampton Pictures,
right,
was a fucking woeful gig.
I mean,
comedians generally,
certainly the comedians
I've spoken to,
fucking hate it,
isn't it?
I used to sort of
resident compare it,
only because I was doing
other gigs that I enjoyed,
and I thought,
I want to challenge myself as well. Let's see if I can do a resident thing that's because I was doing other gigs that I enjoyed and I thought I want to challenge
myself as well
let's see if I can
do a resident thing
that's somewhere I ate
within two months
I was going
fuck this
I don't want to do
this anymore
it's a horrid
horrid gig
badly set out
an audience
chock full of
absolute fucking
scum of the earth
rude fucking
obnoxious
arrogant
that gig once
did I ever tell you
there was one time the last did I ever say this?
There was one time, the last time I ever did it,
I was meant to be comparing it,
and I got a phone call from everyone on the way saying,
oh, two of the acts can't make it.
Right.
They were probably pulling the gig,
and I was like, well, I've just turned into fucking Northampton.
And then they ran back and went, it's all right,
Mark Holbe's going to come and do it as well,
but he's driving up from Bristol.
So what we'd like you to do is you do the first half to me,
and Mark will get there at like 10, half 10, and he you do the first half to me. Yeah. And Mark will get there
at like 10,
half 10,
he'll do the second half.
Yeah.
And we'll just split the money
two ways.
Yeah.
Alright, fine.
So I went there,
I was meant to do 30 minutes.
Right.
I hit 45.
Yeah.
And someone in the audience,
and it actually went really well
for that gig.
Yeah.
It went really, really well.
But some little upstart
in the middle just went,
oh, you're shit, mate.
And I was like, right.
I said, so what do you want me to do?
He went, just get off, mate.
I went, right.
Did you hear the bit where I said to you at the beginning
that there are no other comedians in the building?
There's 300 of you in the audience now.
I'm going to do what you said.
I am going to go because I've already done over my time.
I was going over to save the night, really.
But because you've been rude to me,
I am going to go.
And now 300 of you are all going to watch an empty stage,
because there's no other comedians here.
And it's all because of that bloke there.
Good night.
And I walked off the stage,
through the audience,
and out the door.
Never to return ever again.
Yeah, I wish I'd done that.
Mate,
it was funny your way.
I'd compared you on.
Yeah.
So I'd brought you on
thinking you'd do alright.
No,
you didn't bring me on
thinking you'd do alright.
No,
I thought you would do alright.
Yeah.
But they didn't like you,
did they?
No,
they didn't,
no,
they didn't really like you
that night either.
not at all,
no.
That's why I think
you're comparing it
and going,
oh,
he's going to do alright
and they're just looking
at you going,
what the fuck are you
talking to us for
often don't
often didn't like me
I've no issue with that
I wouldn't defend myself
I'm sure they didn't
oh I'm not defending myself
they hated me
but at that point
in my bit
did I resort to
getting a woman on stage
yeah but I do that anyway
I know you do
you got a lady on stage
it was Donna
who was a fan of the old podcast
I don't know if she even
heard this one
but her and some other people used to come to the gig
and sit at the front.
They were all fine fans and stuff.
Oh, they didn't laugh, though.
They never joined in.
No, no, no.
But you brought Donna on stage to do your sexy sessions
that you always do.
Thinking, also because she knew you.
Yeah, I thought it might be some fun.
Yeah.
And she didn't give you anything, did she?
She wasn't even talking to me.
She was literally looking at me as if I wasn't there.
Yeah, like a statue.
Yeah.
She went like a grinning statue.
And it was my favourite ever moment
because you were ploughing along with your essay sessions.
You were trying to get stuff from her.
No one's laughing in the audience.
I, apart from me,
I was properly laughing loud.
Yeah.
And just a great moment where you just looked at her
and you just, you saw your shoulders drop
and you just went, help me out, Donna.
And it was my favourite.
And I was screaming.
I knew you enjoyed it.
Because she didn't.
No, she didn't.
And ever since then, it's been a little catchphrase, hasn't it?
Yeah, help me out, Donna.
Help me out, Donna.
Yeah.
I often said that gig was a lot like,
because I wasn't bringing anything funny. I wasn't doing that well. anything funny i wasn't doing no and they they clearly went up for it i used to compare north
hampton picture drone to an impotent man trying to fuck a dead prostitute i think that's pretty
much perfect yeah it is but help me out donna is photo on that i'd like to encourage our listeners
to start using help me out donna help Help Me Out Donner. Basically, anything bad, anything inconvenient happens.
For example, we had a meeting with James, our manager, on Tuesday.
Yeah.
That was pulled.
James couldn't make it.
Yeah.
And when I got the call through, it was like, oh, we can't do it for another two weeks.
And I just went, oh, Help Me Out Donner.
When I heard that.
Whenever Jeremy Kyle says, Help Me Out here, which he says a lot.
You immediately think of Help Me Out Donner. Help Me Out Donner. Help Me Out Donner. Yeah, which he says a lot, I always go, help me out,
Donald.
Help me out, Donald.
Yeah, help me out,
Donald, my favourite.
My favourite, Ed's
Amazing Death.
Well, I think you
might get some new
favourites now.
No, that's it for this
week.
No, we've got loads
more.
No, that is my best,
that is Ed's Amazing
Death. It is Ed at
the picture drone.
Right.
In Northampton,
doing badly on stage.
So I'm enjoying this
section.
It's genuinely the end of the section. Genuinely, that is genuinely it. Right. Ed's Amazing Death doing badly on stage. So I'm enjoying this. This is genuinely the end of the section.
Genuinely, that is genuinely it. Right.
Ed's Amazing Deaths this week. The death was Ed.
At Northampton. Ed's comedy at Northampton.
Even Donna couldn't
help him out.
Right, I'm fed up of this.
What, a podcast? No, Ed's Amazing Deaths.
Yeah, me too. No, your attitude stinks.
It stinks.
Why?
When your attitude comes in, I have to hold my nose.
Why?
Because it stinks.
Don't think you're going to be able to defend it in any way, shape or form.
Right, I'm not going to...
You're defending the undefendable.
You're like, OJ Simpson's liar.
The listeners will defend it.
I know they will.
They're behind it as a concept.
Oh, is this it now? You're just going to be quiet?
Well, I thought it's getting away with dealing with the section, isn't it?
Right, no.
What are you going to do?
I'm telling you, right, that Ed's Amazing Deaths is good,
but if you're not happy with it and this is a bad attitude you've got, it stinks.
Right, your attitude stinks.
Right.
Right? I thought Ed's Amazing Births...
Your mouth stinks after your cigarettes.
Because you used to like Ed's Amazing Births.
I used to have cigarettes, but that doesn't mean it's all right. Yeah, you used to like Ed's Amazing Births. I used to have cigarettes
but that doesn't mean it's alright.
Yeah, you used to love
Ed's Amazing Births
and now we're not doing that anymore.
And I think what's happened
is you miss it.
You think I miss
Ed's Amazing Births?
So you're lashing out
at Ed's Amazing Deaths.
It's like Ed's Amazing Births
has left
and your new dad
is Ed's Amazing Deaths
and you're lashing out
and you put a scratch
on his Mercedes.
Do you know what I'm feeling? I'm being more tolerant of Ed's Amazing Deaths. you're lashing out, you put a scratch on his Mercedes. Do you know how afraid I am of being more tolerant of Ed's Amazing Deaths? Because if
you remember when you started the section, I said I was looking forward to it.
Yeah, but you're lashing out, mate. So I've come up with some alternatives to Ed's Amazing
Birth.
I mean, you're starting a fight where there isn't one.
Right, it stinks, mate.
Just for the record. See, look, there.
Absolutely stinks.
Yeah, keep saying that. Just for the record, I've not actually opposed it. I let you do it every week.
Ed's Amazing Births, you like that one, so we've got some alternatives for that.
That was the one that I did have a problem with.
Right.
Ed's Amazing Girths.
What's this?
And then we could say...
What are you doing now?
Different versions of Ed's Amazing Births that you could maybe like.
Ed's Amazing Girths.
Right.
So that would be like the widest waist trouser is 50 inches.
Have you genuinely just spent the train journey you had to come here,
writing this in your book?
Yeah.
You've genuinely sat on a train?
Ed's Amazing Girth.
It's for you.
I'm trying to help you.
Playing rhymes.
It's not playing rhymes.
Right, all right.
Ed's Amazing Girth.
What happens in that?
You'd be like, oh, the widest trouser is 50 inches.
That's amazing.
There's a wide man.
Ed's Amazing Murphs.
Wait, is that the end
of that section? Well, no, I'm giving you like little tasters of all of them and then
you can pick one or two that you like and then we'll carry on with it. Where does it
go after that? There's a wide man. Yeah, we'll be like, oh, I found this wide man. Oh, there's
the Albert Hall. How big a belt would that need? That was brilliant. It's not brilliant.
It's good. You're getting involved. This is what I wanted. It's sparking little things
in your head
and you're getting involved.
Ed's Amazing Mirth.
What's that?
Mirth, like funny.
Right.
Like Ed's Amazing Mirth
like the programme
My Hero.
I'll be honest with you
I think the word mirth
has lost all its funny
over the last ten years.
Right.
I think it's now
associated with shit.
Ed's Amazing Mirth.
When I think mirth
I think shit comedy.
Yeah.
Ed's Amazing Mirth like the programme My I think shit comedy Yeah Ed's Amazing Mirth Yeah
Like the programme My Hero
We could sort of talk about that
Ed's Amazing
No
Don't keep stepping over them
I'm told you I'm giving you
Little taste
Ed's Amazing Mirth
Fine
We could talk about My Hero
Fine you don't like that one
We won't do that one
Cross
But we're doing girths
Because you did that
Good album
We're not doing girths
Ed's Amazing Worths
Richard Branson
is quite a bit
oh for fuck's sake Ed
really
are you talking about
the richest people
yeah we could
there's a lot of stuff
there you go
you like that one
no we'll do that one
Ed's Amazing Turfs
definitely do that
what's that
Lord's Cricket Ground
like that's got a lovely turf
Ed's Amazing
I'm not going to come
to do the recordings
for most of these weeks
right
so you've got free reign
with these
okay
I mean you can literally
I'm happy these are going to be the weeks that I'm off right so by all means over the next 6-7 weeks most of these weeks. Right, well... So you've got free reign with these. Okay. I mean, you can literally...
I'm happy.
These are going to be the weeks that I'm off.
Right.
So, by all means,
over the next six, seven weeks...
Yeah.
Sit here.
On your own.
So you're asking,
I'll press record for you,
then I'm off out.
Right.
Right, let's go on.
Ed's Amazing Surf's...
Is it Water?
Hawaii.
Yeah.
Surf, washing powder.
Ed's Amazing Surf and Turfs.
Washing powder on some grass.
Yeah, that's good.
That's brilliant, see?
I'm ticked for that.
Yeah, I know, it's amazing, isn't it?
Surf and Turfs.
No, Surf and Turfs is going to be like,
I had a lovely surf and turf in a pub in Newquay in 2004.
Channel 4 was so right, weren't they?
Channel 4 would bang on the money about us.
Ed's Amazing Earths, the planet Earth.
Ed's Amazing Nerfs.
For instance, I had one that shot foam darts
and also a bull that whistled.
I've got absolutely no idea what he's talking about.
Ed's amazing hearth.
Like fireplaces.
Buckingham Palace.
Hearths.
Burps.
Right, okay.
Ed's amazing burps.
We're abandoning the TH sound now.
Burps?
Burps, yeah.
Like what?
Like if you did a big burp, you could talk about that.
There'll be something on YouTube.
I'm not actually going to join in with this anymore. you in fact i just want to be thinking then about you
record it your own just carry on with do your ideas right it's fine ed's amazing dearths like
you could say oh there's not a lot of water in africa um ed's amazing births um which is not
births as in because obviously we've done, but as in like staying away from something, giving something a wide berth.
So you could say I was driving in the car and I had a lot of room,
so I gave the truck a wide berth so there wasn't an accident.
Ed's Amazing Squirts, which is basically I make up an amazing word every week.
And the first one is squirt, which means made up word.
Ed's Amazing Smurfs, which means made up word. Ed's amazing smurfs.
It's like Uncle Bulgaria.
Ed's amazing slurps.
So like you've just had a slush puppy.
That was amazing.
Ed's amazing turps.
Like that took all the paint off.
That's good turps.
Ed's amazing cats.
Ed's amazing cat.
Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble.
All music by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Seidlosen.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a Ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk.
See you next week.