The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 56

Episode Date: February 23, 2020

"Episode 56" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 57 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hello and welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. I'm Ray Peacock, hello. I'm Ed Gamble, hello there. Oh, you can hear the little air of resignation already because we've tried about 20 times to record this intro. Well, no, I've tried. We've all tried. No, I've tried. We've all been here trying. But basically

we keep doing offensive things in it. Yeah, but we're not doing that in this one. We're not doing that in this one. If you want to hear the offensive ones, just drop us a line and we'll send it to you privately. But you can't give it out to the public because Frankie Boyle's already got in trouble for that. Right, leave it. Right, I will do. Anyway, welcome to the show. This is, we worked out, we thought it was episode 57 and then we realised that we were counting the Ray Peacock podcast special. Yeah. So it's episode 56. Which we're disappointed about. Because we wanted to do a thing about. Heinz Varieties. Heinz Varieties, all 57 varieties. We were going to try and name them all. Yeah. In the intro, but that I'll have to wait for

another time. Probably the next one. Yeah. Although. Next Christmas. Yeah, next Christmas. Because this is a one-off. It is, yeah. It's not an ongoing thing. This is going to be a one-off show. Probably a bit longer than normal at the rate we're going today. We were going to say Christmas special.

Probably not Christmas special. Because there won't be any themed Christmas stuff, really. No, it's got nothing to do with Christmas, really. We might ask each other, what are you doing for Christmas? Yeah. In fact, we'll do that now for you. Yeah.

All right, Ed, what are you doing for Christmas? Staying at home, mate. Yeah, same. Yeah. So that, we'll do that now for you. Yeah. All right, Ed, what are you doing for Christmas? Staying at home, mate. Yeah, same. Yeah. So that's that out of the way. Merry Christmas, if you believe that sort of thing. If you don't believe it,

then Happy Anarchy might be or just Happy Holidays is the best way of doing it, I've found. I think it is as well, mate. Happy Presents. When I do a warm-up, TV warm-up,

if I'm saying, have a great Christmas, I'll say, have a great holidays. What do you say for Easter? Nothing. No? Don't recognise it. Happy Chocolate? No don't recognize easter because that is definitely a

ghost story right that is i mean i'm not doubting necessarily that jesus was born right right so i'll allow christmas but if you doubt the validity of jesus as a thing no i just doubt that he died and then come back life well i'm just saying that you shouldn't be celebrating christmas if you don't believe jesus was magic i don't really't be celebrating Christmas if you don't believe Jesus was magic. I don't really celebrate Christmas. You do? I don't.

All the presents? End of year presents. Do you not even have a tree, ever? No, not anymore. I've not had one for about four years now. That's a shame.

Why? It's nice to have a tree, isn't it? I've got a tree. Have you? In my garden. Yeah, not a Christmas tree. Well, it is at Christmas.

It is a tree. No, it's not a fir tree. Well, you're not a fir tree. Yeah, I think I've won that argument. Yeah, I think you have as well, mate. So, welcome to the show. New listeners, you're very, very welcome. We're going to try and be as accessible as possible for you.

I want to call this episode one. Fresh start. Accessible for the new listeners. Yeah, but it's not a fresh start, is it? Because it's just a one-off. Fresh start, and then we'll have another fresh start when we do another one. All right, I'll meet you halfway. Episode one off.

All right, episode one off. right episode one up what welcome to the show new listeners that's excuse for a minute we've got to do a recap right okay basically what happened was we just stopped doing the podcast yeah as is our right yeah we can do that if we want if we want because it's our one yeah one of the best things about this podcast is it sort of lulls you in yeah gets you involved every Monday

hey can't wait for it hey can't wait for it so I mean and then also we'll do a thing going hey do us a favour send us some stuff

in for next week's show yeah and then and then there's no next week's show and then we'll just quit with no warning gone

no warning at all literally just because just a bit busy with something else yeah but we do it for nothing yeah yeah deal with it yeah appreciate it why it's here yeah No warning at all. Literally, just because we're a bit busy with something else. Yeah. But we do it for nothing. Yeah.

Yeah, deal with it. Yeah. Appreciate it while it's here. Yeah, new listeners. Yeah, yeah. New listeners coming in. Right, you're very welcome, but let's just lay the rules down now as you come in, right?

This could stop at any moment. Yeah. So appreciate it like life. It's like life, isn't it? Just like life. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah. You know, it could be family, mum and dad. We're not a mum and dad yet, just yeah oh we'll have a baby we'll have a baby oh make love

oh it's beautiful there's all candles on in that oh yeah put the candles on oh oh look the woman's gone fat that might be a baby yeah oh no she's put a bit of weight on let's do it again next month do it again the following month i actually have a baby that time after nine months oh we love our little baby what should we call it i don't know um alan right all right then let's call it alan oh we look after it i can't wait for its life it's gonna have a brilliant life in the future the next thing you know helicopter crash helicopter crashes into your house it's the nursery right so... Where your baby was asleep and it's cut. Your way of welcoming new listeners is saying don't get too attached to this

because it'll be like when a baby gets hit by a helicopter. I didn't say... I didn't say don't get attached to it. So, no, genuinely... I would never say to a new family, it's your baby, don't get too attached to it, it might get hit by an helicopter. What I'm saying is,

what I'm saying is, do get attached to it, do look after it, and do care about it, and love it, why an helicopter. What I'm saying is, do get attached to it, do look after it and do care about it and love it, why it's here, because you never know, it might get hit by an helicopter. Right, okay. Or a bus. Yeah, this is why you've got to find... Or a dragon. A dragon could get it. A dragon could get

it. What dragon? No, exactly. What do you mean exactly? There isn't a dragon at the moment. No. That we know of. No, there's never been a dragon there might be one though might one in the future I don't know someone might wake a cave up

someone might wake a cave up like how is this accessible for new listeners in any way what shall we know what you have done so far is you've said

to new listeners just to let you know this podcast look after this podcast while it's here because a helicopter could crash into a newborn baby

and someone could wake a cave up crash into a newborn baby and someone could wake a cave up listen fell walkers fell walkers could be walking on a fell knock a stone

falls down hits a cave wakes up the cave and a dragon comes out you don't wake up a cave dragon comes out in the night and hits a baby

no eats it or takes it away takes it away that could happen I'm saying I don't want to worry new families because I'm not saying it don't want to worry new families, because I'm not saying that.

It's unlikely. It's unlikely that will happen. Yeah. Probably one in a hundred chance. Same for the helicopter. Yeah. One in a hundred, easy. Well, surely the helicopter's more likely than a dragon,

bearing in mind helicopters exist. What if the helicopter is swerving out of the way of a dragon? Well, that's what it two hundred then, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. Or the dragon's swerving out of the way of the helicopter. Yeah, that's what it 200 then, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. Or the dragon's swerving out of the way of the helicopter. Yeah, either way. What's happening now is it's now becoming more likely. Yeah.

A bomb could go off in your house. It could. Bombs go off. I'd approximate that half of the new listeners have now turned off. Really? Yeah, because how is it accessible to say a helicopter swerved out of the way of a dragon and killed a newborn baby? What I'm getting at is we've got to do a recap.

Right. Of where we're up to. That's what I'm trying to do. Right. You're the one that keeps going about dragons and helicopters. Right, no, get on with it, mate. Well, what have you been up to in the time we've been off? You've been on telly.

I've been on telly, haven't I? I saw you on it on Russell House Good News. Yeah, doing all my smiling. Yep, so you're recording it. How did you, what was your feedback like? Yeah, alright. Positive? Yeah, pretty positive. You've got a few disses from the Westwood fans. Only a couple, mate. Yeah, doing all my smiling. Yep, so you're recording it. How did you, what was your feedback like? Yeah, alright. Positive? Yeah, pretty positive.

You got a few disses from the Westwood fans? Only a couple, mate. Yeah, idiots. Idiots, mate. Idiots on Twitter. Yeah. Was that rapper? Had a go at you?

Lady something. Lady something had a go at you? Yeah. Was it Lady Sovereign? Because you like her? Yeah, I like Lady Sovereign. There's another lady. The thing is, with Lady Sovereign, I would.

Would you? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Why is that? She's quite sweet, isn't she? Is that what you go for in a prospective sexual partner? No, but quite nice.

She seems quite nice. Is that what you're like? Do you like her in a pink dress with pigtails? Is that your thing, is it? Yeah. You're filthy. So what did your mum think of it? I think she liked it.

Because your mum famously doesn't come to see you, do you stand up? Well, no, she doesn't. She doesn't listen to this podcast? No, she doesn't. Why? You can call her a slag now, if you want. Well, her son's sitting here, so you would have thought that would stop you calling her a slag. No,'t listen to this podcast. Oh, no, she doesn't. Why I can call her a slug now, for one. Well, her son's sitting here, so you would have thought that would stop you calling her a slug. No, call her a slug.

No, I mean, the main thing stopping you calling her a slug. It's probably a big slug. I mean, it should stop you calling her a slug that she's the mum of your best friend if you don't mind me saying that. Probably not even listen to this because she's too many sucking cocks. Sucking all the cocks down the toilet.

Right. Right, well, can't say that. Definitely not. Just said it. No. Just said it. You can't, just because someone... Who can't mention...

She doesn't... She doesn't listen to this, so you're allowed to say she's sucking cocks down the toilet. I'm sure that's going to upset me. How do you know she's not? Well, she's at work, probably. Oh, yeah, probably. Yeah. It probably is, isn't she?

At work, wink, wink. At work. Yeah. In the toilet. Yeah. Getting money for sucking a penis. Right. I'm not saying that's definitely what she's doing.

I'm just saying that. She'll listen to it don't mind how I mean what oh Ed well done you've been on the telly your mum's down the toilet

sucking loads of cocks I never said well done for being on the telly oh right well what did you think of it

just undermining it right did she like it yeah I think so yeah I enjoyed you on the telly I enjoyed watching

it oh cheers mate I laughed at a bit of it thanks I know I saw it live you saw it live mate yeah

it's better live isn't it well no I liked it both ways yeah like your mum she likes it both ways right what's next in the recap

we did um what I wanted to talk about what we both wanted to talk about but then we decided to stop doing the podcast for a bit yeah was we did that

corporate gig didn't we in Windsor yeah yeah was it corporate birthday it was a birthday technically a corporate

private party yeah private party we did that podcast fans and had a birthday yeah we a corporate. Private party. Yeah, private party. We did that. Podcast fans had a birthday. Yeah. And we went and done it. See, you can do that, you know, if you're a fan of this.

Yeah, you can book us for a party. Ring up our manager. Not an house party. Yeah, we're not doing that. This was at a theatre. Yeah. Community centre at the very least. Yeah, something with a stage and chairs and a light.

Audience in there who want to be there. A microphone, yeah. Set it up nice. Bring our management and book us for a private party. It'll cost you though. It'll cost you, mate. You get to meet us after it. That happened, didn't it? Yeah, meet us after, book us an hotel

and threaten to come to room and rape us. That happened, didn't it? Basically, it was mainly girls. Yeah, they were a roller derby team. What was the name of the team? Royal Windsor Roller Girls. Something like that, wasn't it? They were nice.

I mean, they were like, I assume, sex-starved. Given that you'd been on stage for, I reckon, seven minutes. And this was Ed on stage, by the way. Ed was on stage for seven minutes and yet somehow, me and Ed both ended up on the stage

on our backs with tongues down our throat. I remember how it happened. How did it happen? There were cupcakes and I said, oh, about diabetes or do I have one of them, I'll just pass out. And someone went, I'll give you mouth to mouth. Right. Like that.

I went, and most comics will go, oh, yeah, whatever, and move on with their material. I went, fucking brilliant. Right, let's do that. Free. I'll have a bit of cupcake. I'll fall over. Ray, you run on to give me mouth to mouth, but you trip over and eat your head.

That's what happened. And then some girls will have to run down and give us mouth to mouth. Tongues right down your throat. Yeah, straight in, won't they? Yeah. I mean, like you say, most comedians will just go, yeah, whatever.

I would have... Yeah. If I had been on stage at that point, I would have said, yeah, whatever, and just get it over with. But you, possibly because of it but you possibly because of your upbringing possibly because of

your family how you know so now your mum behaves so now you consider your only worth can I just can I just stop you there you consider your only worth

to be sexual please just stop there for a second that joke alright it's going to sound funny you saying about my mum and all that

and you laughing at how hilarious you think you are. Yeah. Right? Please God, let's not make this a running joke.

What about your mum being, what do you mean? About my mum sucking cocks down the toilet. We're not doing that as a running joke. I'll tell you now,

this is serious. Yeah. If you keep doing that and the fans keep joining in on the website and stuff. You're tempting them, go on. Then I'm not doing this anymore. Oh right fans keep joining in on the website and stuff you're tempting them go on then I'm not doing this anymore

oh right if it gets on the internet and people start saying my mum sucks cocks down the toilet I'm genuinely not doing this podcast anymore right well what you've done there now

is you've given power to our rival podcasts what rival podcasts now what will happen is Richard Herring yeah and Ricky Jingle they'll all get together and they'll go,

Hey, just these lads doing their podcast is all popular. We're not having that. We have got ones that we charge for. How can we do them down? Richard Herring will go, he'll put his hand up and he'll go, Hey, I've got the internet. I'll go on there. Have a go at Ed Campbell's mum. More likely he'll go, Oh Ed, what toilet is your mum in? Well, we've done that corporate. We met all them girls and they all had special names, didn't they?

They did have special names, you're right. Because they were roller discos. Yeah. They did roller disco dancing. Roller derby. Whatever it was. Yeah. I think they just made that sport up.

Yeah. Because from what I could glean, it was just going round and round in a circle. Well, it's an American thing, really, isn't it? Is it? Yeah, there was a film about it with Drew Barrymore's in it, and that made it all popular, I think. We're quite big amongst the roller derby girls. We are, mate. Because another one from Milton Keynes Cows.

Milton Keynes Cows? Yeah, I'm sure that's what they were called. What, their roller derby team is called Milton Keynes Cows? I think it was that. Right. I've got a t-shirt with it on. Is there a cow on the t-shirt? I can't remember.

Right. It's in my office, but I'm not in my office now. I know. It's too small for me. Right. Stephanie Burrows sent it to me. Oh, that's nice of Stephanie Burrows. Yeah, it's a really nice shirt, but it's too small.

It's skinny fit. What? Skinny fit. I think I've over-airbrushed my publicity pictures. Right. Because it is skinny fit. but it's nice to have either that or she's taking the piss

well maybe she might be mocking me a little bit yeah but she sent it to me sent it over to me that's nice of her yeah and it's nice it says on the back

it's got Ray Peacock yeah and the number is one on one on one on one oh brilliant which famously I have I say when I'm ordering a slush puppy

or popcorn or popcorn or prostitutes but thank you Stephanie for that I genuinely appreciate which famously I have, I say, when I'm ordering a slush puppy. Or popcorn. Or popcorn. Or prostitutes. But thank you, Stephanie, for that. I genuinely appreciate it. You sent us some art pictures as well. You've got your ones. I've got my ones in my bag, yeah.

Of girls trumping and that. Yeah. And a dog trumping. That's genuinely what it is. And guess who she's married to? Who? Michael J. Fox. That is genuinely true.

She's married to Michael J. Fox. Oh, he's called Michael J. Fox. I don't know the ins and outs of it. All I know is she's married to Michael J. Fox. Right. But the other Royal don't know the ins and outs of it all I know is she's married to Michael J Fox right but the other roller derby team was er what were they called again

the Royal Windsor Royal Windsor Roller Girls and they had some brilliant names they did yeah I wrote them down one was called

the Yorkshire Tripper yeah it was her birthday wasn't it it was and you had a go at her didn't you you said bit soon for that

yeah bit soon for that you went wouldn't it be more like wouldn't it be better to call yourself Jack the Tripper? And then someone went, that's me. There was PMT.

Yeah. Which apparently was permanent menstrual tension. Yeah. She did have a face on her. She did, didn't she? Lottie Too Hottie. Yeah. Ironic.

I'm joking. I genuinely can't remember what you looked like. So, no, I am joking. I'm sure she was gorgeous. They were all gorgeous. Vixen Vamp Goff. Yeah. Vixen Vamp Goff, that is.

So, that's Vincent Van Goff. Yeah. She's called Vixen Vamp Goff. Yeah. And Emily. So, we met them all that day, didn't we? We did, yeah. They were fun, though.

They were a lot of fun. It was a nice gig, that. Yeah. And while we're doing shout outs, while I think on, Gio, who's a fan of ours in Australia, she sent us some nice shirts. Some nice t-shirts.

For Christmas. And done the right size and everything. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, right size, Gio. Bear that in mind, Stephanie Burrows. No slim fits in there. You could camp out in my one. And also, I don't think I mentioned this

earlier in the year, but there's a girl called Claire in Newcastle. She bought me some presents at Newcastle. That's nice of her. And she had a frock on, right? Yeah. And you could see all the tops of busters in it. Nice one.

Yeah, I looked at it quite subtle. But I'm just saying, just in case she caught me doing it, then I was only looking at it because it was nice. So yeah, thank you for that as well. But in the time off, I've been doing my TV warm-ups that I do. Yeah. I do gigs as well. Yeah, I know you for that as well. But in the time off, I've been doing my TV warm-ups that I do. Yeah.

I do gigs as well. Yeah, I know you do all the things. Yeah, I know. But this week I did a TV warm-up.

Cheeky Girls were there. Yeah. Duncan Bannatyne. I don't think he got me. I very much

got the impression that Duncan Bannatyne didn't get me. Why? What happened, mate? Well, it was at

Riverside Studios, which is where I do Russell Howard's Good News as well. And as I went in, I realised that Duncan Bannatyne was in my dressing room. which is where I do Russell Howell's Good News as well. And as I went in, I realised that Duncan Bannatyne was in my dressing room.

The one that you normally have. Yeah, it's not yours. And it feels like it's mine. No. Anyway, as I walked past, his door was

open and I went, oh yeah, Duncan Bannatyne with all his money gets my dressing room. And he came out and he went, oh hello,

and shook my hand and he went, I'm not friends with you. And he went, what, why? And I took my dressing room,

and I normally have a dressing room. And he just stared at me. Well, he probably didn't know that. And he went, what, why? And I took my dressing room, and I normally have a dressing room. And he just stared at me. Yeah. Well, he probably didn't know that you normally had it, did he? No, I was just trying to be friendly, but I think I came across wrong.

Yeah. I think I just upset him. Yeah, see, now, you're not particularly good with people on flagship BBC One business-based reality shows, I'm brilliant with people, generally. Have we talked about the time you met Nick from The Apprentice?

No, that was in the off-season as well. Tell everyone that story. I didn't strictly meet him, did I not? No, you didn't meet him. You interacted with him in some way. I was at TV Centre, BBC, and I was allowed to be there. I had a pass. I'd been in the studio and then

I went out to the little W.H. Smiths, the TV Centre. I went to get a sandwich and I bought a book about Apple Macs. So trendy. And I was queuing up to buy my stuff. Yeah. It's quite a queue though. Normally there's just one little bloke serves.

Yeah. And a lot of people work at TV centre. Yeah. So it's often a queue. Yeah. All right. So I'm queuing up and I looked across and I was like, that's Nick from The Apprentice. Yeah.

And I'm just wandering around. You know how he does? Like just snooping. Snooping? Yeah. He always looks like he's, that's Nick from The Apprentice. Yeah. Just wandering around. You know how he does, like just snooping. Snooping? Yeah, he always looks like he's snooping, Nick from The Apprentice. Well, he probably does when he's on The Apprentice and he's looking at how people are doing, the contestants are doing in the business. Yeah, he's snooping. But not when he's just walking around WH Smith.

Mate, he's got the same face in real life. But I realised where I was stood, I was stood next to Alan Sugar's autobiography, which had just come out. Right. A big rack of them. Yeah. I was like, I was stood next to Alan Sugar's autobiography, which had just come out. A big rack of them. I was like, that's weird, isn't it? I'm stood between Nick, off The Apprentice, having a snoop, and Alan Sugar. I'm in an Apprentice sandwich. And then as Nick got near me, and honestly, to the day I die, I'll never know why I did this.

And I wasn't even thinking it. I wasn't thinking it through. I got one of Alan Sugar's books down and I put the front cover near Nick's face. Quite aggressive. Yeah, so he could see Alan Sugar's face. And I went... And we looked at each other.

We both knew I'd done something wrong. It was... We didn't speak. It was general. To this day, I've never spoke to the man. No. Other than to growl at him.

And even that wasn't really me. I was doing it. That was Alan, through Alan Sugar's face, yeah. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make any sense, I'm aware of that.

At that point, I realised it made no sense. He wouldn't be scared of Alan Sugar as his mate. Nick's not a contestant on The Apprentice. If it was a contestant, it would have made more sense.

Would have made miles more sense. Yeah. If it had been, I don't know, Julie, if that's one, that would have made more sense. Yeah. Or Liz. Yeah. Fit one. Yeah, hello, Liz.

Yeah, I like Liz. Yeah. If Liz is Liz, come round if you want. The one good thing about Liz being off The Apprentice. What? Better chance for being in the zoo now, isn't it? What am I not looking at? Or nuts.

Yeah, or you can find Nick if she's on the cover of zoo and go ooh ooh ooh Nick I think that's my favourite ridiculous story

from while we've been away I put all my stuff down and left the shop I did you ran out yeah I was I embarrassed myself and I was quite excited that day

because Bobby Ball was in the show I was doing yeah and I'm a big fan of Cannonball and I've been all my life. So I was a bit, I was already giddy. Yeah. Because he was around.

Yeah. I'd seen a brilliant thing in rehearsal. Him and Lee Mack were in a bed in the rehearsal and they're acting away. Yeah. And Bobby did his lines and then Lee said, Bob, when you do that, just leave a little gap. Just leave like three elephants in between saying that. Yeah.

And Bobby just looked baffled. Yeah. And three elephants means like, say elephant in your head. And Bobby, he just laughed and went, oh, it's all saying that yeah and bobby just looked baffled yeah like and three elephants means like yeah one elephant two elephants in your head and bobby he just laughed and went oh it's all new to me this and then lee went all right just do two rock on tommies in your head and bob went that'll do for me it's a really lovely moment right mate i've been thinking since we've been away. Yeah. I know you.

Yeah, I know you. You're a good man. I'm all right. Yeah, you're a lovely lad. I've got my dark side. Yeah, you do, that's true. I've got my bad points. Yeah.

I've got good points as well. But what I don't know about you is how you react in an emergency situation. Very well, very good. Yeah, very good? Yeah. All right, well, I've made up a little scenario for you. Why? Not a physical scenario, it's just conceptual.

Okay. And we're going to see how you react in a sort of high-pressure emergency situation. Like a roleplay we're doing now? Sort of like a roleplay. I'll set up the scenario, you tell me what you'd do. Okay. Alright, so you've come in to your house. Yep. Right?

Yep. Flat apartment, right? You've come in, you've gone in the bathroom. Okay. And on the floor of the bathroom is a chopped up body, right? Right. With a face on top that has been chopped off the head. Okay, yeah, I know.

And it is clearly, from the face, Sandy Toksvig. That's not one of mine. What do you mean? Oh, right, you're not a murderer in this, though. So what's happened to the one that was in the bathroom? No, no, you're not. You can't add murderer in this, though. So what's happened to the one that was in the bathroom? No, you can't add things to this. Is this hypothetical? Yeah, it is hypothetical.

Sorry, I did a podcast. Yeah, no, it's not real. Right, right, okay. Okay, sorry, Mum. Okay, so clear out the real body, put in Sandy Toxford. No, not now. Leave it for now. We're recording. This is confusing me. No, hypothetical now. Leave it for now. We're recording. This is confusing me.

No, hypothetical this is. Maybe say in the other bathroom. No, because it's hypothetical. In my head, it's the en suite bathroom. That Stanley Toksvig's in. Yeah, that you're saying I go in. Oh, no, I'm saying you go in my bathroom. I see.

If I came home and went to the toilet, I would go automatically to the en suite bathroom. Yeah, you don't do that this time because there's a body in there. There is a body in there already. Right. So, if I go into the en-suite bathroom. Your bathroom.

Yeah. Yeah. Chopped a body. Yeah. Sandy Tux with his face. Yeah. Honestly, I'd do what I always do. I'd think, oh, God, I've done it again.

Right. Well, that's ruined this, isn't it? It's not. It's fine. Right. In this situation. Yeah this, isn't it? It's not. It's fine. Right. In this situation, you're not a murderer. At least this is a grown-up.

Right. In this situation, you're not a child murderer or making funny jokes about being a child murderer. I see. I see. You've come in,

you're a normal human. You've found Sandy Topswig's chopped up body with her face balanced on the top of Dimash. Yeah. Right. And you've looked at the body.

What are you going to do? Is it cooked yet? Yet? Sorry, what? No, no, no. It's not cooked. It's not cooked. And you don't want to eat it.

I don't like it. No. No. Because it's Sandy Topswig or just... No, no, no. It's just because it's a human body. I'd ruin the place. You can't. What do you mean, I can't? They no, no, it's just because it's a human body. I'd ring the police. You can't.

What do you mean, I can't? They've cut the phone line. Who has? Whoever's killed her. Right, do I know who's killed her? You might do later on. Fine, okay, well then I don't know what... Well then I'd be in a state of suspended animation.

Would you? Until I get given more information. Right, and don't... Right, I'd run out of my house. No. I'd use my mobile. You can't use your mobile. Why not?

Run out of battery. Okay, give me the full scenario no because things come up as we go along you walk into different rooms you've got to say I'd walk into this room and I'll say

well this is what you'll find in this room like nightmare all that's happening at the moment is you're giving me a scenario and then whatever I respond you're being contrary

no no no it is I'm in the police you can't be in the police they've cut the phone off no, no, no, no. I'm in the police. You can't be in the police. They've cut the phone off. Well, I'm just

remembering. Who have? I'm not telling you. Yeah, I'm just remembering, right? So you need to go and get the police. So you can't use

your mobile because you run out of battery. Okay, I'd leave the house. Yeah. And I'd walk to the police station.

Right, you're trying to leave the house. Right. Then out of a cupboard. What cupboard? Kitchen cupboard.

Why would I be passing the kitchen cupboard on my way out of the house? You've got to have a sip of water because you're feeling really sick after looking at the body. Right. Then out of a cupboard. What cupboard? Kitchen cupboard. Why would I be passing the kitchen cupboard on my way out of the house? You've got to have a sip of water because you're feeling really sick after

looking at the body. Got a bottle of water in my bag at all. No, it's run out. Actually, I've stopped doing that. I've just got my iPad. Well, there you go.

So, you go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and then you're going to run out of the house to get the police from the police station. Yeah. Out of the cupboard

comes the killer. So, out of a kitchen cupboard? Yeah. Unless it's Kenny Baker. I can't see who it could possibly be. It's Bob Olness, mate. Right. So, he's the killer. Alright, of a kitchen cupboard? Yeah. Unless it's Kenny Baker, I can't see who it could possibly be. It's Bob Holness, mate. Right.

So he's the killer? All right, no, you come in the kitchen to get a glass of water, he's just standing there. Bob Holness. He's standing there with a big cleaver.

So we're assuming he did it. Yeah. Well, you're assuming he did it. And then, telly comes on. Right. Right. It's Sandy Tokpeg,

a video of her cleaning your house in a little maid's outfit. Right. Right. Why? Sandy Talkpig, a video of her cleaning your house in a little maid's outfit. Right. Right? And someone filming it, and then they chop her up on the video. And the camera drops and it flicks around and it's Bob Olness. Then you look around and then you see Bob Olness. Well, I'd wrestle him in some way.

No, you couldn't. Why not? He's not being confrontational to you. Right. He's all right. You're all right by Bob Olness. He's like, all right. Bob Olness has got no issue with me. No, noational to you. Right. He's alright, you're alright by Bob Olness. He's like, alright, alright mate.

So Bob Olness has got no issue with me. No, no issue with you at all, so there's no fight to be had because he just comes through. Yeah, well there is because I know he's murdered someone in my house.

Yeah, but he just goes limp. That doesn't mean it's alright. Yeah, but you can't fight a man who goes limp. You wouldn't let Peter Sutcliffe off because he's alright when he's not killing.

Yeah, but you wouldn't need to tackle him, would you? I would stop him if he was loose. He's not loose, he's not loose, he's just... He is loose. He's not loose, he's just there, he's not killing. Yeah, but you wouldn't need to tackle him, would you? I would stop him if he was loose. He's not loose. He's not loose. He's just...

He is loose. He's not loose. He's just there. He's not going to do anything. What, so I've just got to live my life with Bob Olness stood up in my kitchen from now on?

From now onwards? No, you've got to get the police but you know, there's no way of phoning the police because you don't... your phone line's been cut and he's ripped up your charger. Yeah.

Right, so you've got to leave the house. But you know as soon as you leave, Bob Olness would leave as well. I remember that. Because he says, he goes, I'll be honest with you, I'm good to leave whenever you leave. And I'd be going in a messy direction. South African, isn't he? Is that Nelson Mandela?

Have you thought, what other grey-haired bloke do I know? Well, then I'd hold hands with him. I'd grab his wrist. And you'd take him to the police? I'd take him to the police. He wouldn't know, because he's stuck fast to the floor. So he's glued to my floor now? Yeah.

Then it's fine, I can just walk to the police station. No, because then he just slips out of his shoes. Slips out of his shoes and climbs through the window. I'd pull him out of his shoes and then take him to the police station. No, he's super clean in his shoes as well. Is there any correct answer to this? Yes. Fine, I'd ask him,

can I have a pee, please, Bob? It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'd do that. Right, and then he'd say, what pee should you be getting now? Might be touring next year me and you oh yeah 2011

yeah yeah we're doing our shows at King's Place yeah there's two of those every 24th and March 24th yeah kingsplace.co.uk

is that on the com yeah .co.uk yeah kingsplace.co.uk go get your tickets now yeah selling like pretty fast actually

particularly the first one yeah so you might want to get a bit of a move on with that I know it's nearly Christmas and that but they are actually going like warm cakes

relatively warm cakes yeah just before they go properly cold yeah and people go let's get them now yeah

also two of the dates about to be announced plugged in at Kings Place we've confirmed them but we've not announced them yet which will be awkward if anything

but we sort of want to do a tour and it's in the process of being programmed that tour but we've not announced them yet. We're being awkward, if anything. But we sort of want to do a tour, and it's in the process of being programmed, that tour. But we just keep getting told by people booking it, going, oh, no one wants you. Oh, no one's interested. We've not been told that, mate. We sort of have. Oh, no one's interested.

We can't do you a tour. No one cares. I think that's how it's translated in your sort of horrible fairy tale mind, which is just a dark forest. Well, I phoned two blokes and none of them had heard of you. So unfortunately, you can't do comedy.

No one said that. We've wanted to do it for a couple of years now. It's been proving problematic a little bit to get an actual tour together. Yeah. So what I was thinking was we could at some point on the website, peacockinghamble.com,

on the forums and stuff, or you can contact us privately. I think a lot of our fans, for want of a better word, they're like students in that. Yeah. And I thought maybe they could just ask, ask their student unions.

Yeah. Because we often get messages through going, hey, when you come in Bradford? Yeah. Hey, when you come in Aberystwyth? It's like, what, as if I can just pop in. It's got to be booked and stuff. Yeah.

So if you're one of them people that's been saying, why are you doing no dates in Scotland? Yeah. Because I'm not booked for any fucking dates in Scotland. That's why. I'm not boycotting you. Then maybe just speak to your student union and say, we'd like...

Get the show done. We'd like Peacock and Gamble's emergency broadcast, please. Yeah. And they'll go, no. And then you go, well, hang on. You're the student union. Yeah. You're meant to be working for our needs.

And I am a student. I'm a student, if you're not, if you've just gone there to do this for us. But keep up the pretense. Yeah. And if you are a real student, they're in a fighty mood at the moment. Yeah.

And if they say no the third time, put a brick through the window. Chuck a fire extinguisher at their head. Yeah. Smash it up. Don't take no for an answer. Same as with the fees. Punch a policeman. Yeah. And do away in a corner of a street. I'm in a weird position with this, you know. I'm backing

the students to keep rioting. To keep rioting. Genuinely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Genuinely. Well, that's how things get done, isn't it? Yeah, but it actually is, though. Oh, nothing was ever solved by violence. It was World War II.

Oh, well, I don't back violent protest. Why? Because that is genuinely not how things should get done. If you set a precedent for that, then the whole country will be in absolute ruins within two years. The country's already in absolute ruins right well what I'm saying is that

students stop violently protesting against fees but if you want your show if you want our show then then get violent smash up your student union please

or just burn it down burn it down burn all the records and then say oh I've only just say oh a few of the records I've blown out of the building is one.

They're having to be cooking, gambling, those are broadcast on the 16th of September. We'll go and watch that. Do a little song to the end. A little song? Yeah, for Christmas, innit?

All right, mate. Yeah, Christmas song. Do a little song at the end. I'm doing Jingle Bell. Uh-uh. No? Right. Is this all right to do?

Daylight come and me one go home Day Me say day, me say day, me say day, me sette, me sette, oh. Daylight come and me want to go home. Come Mr. Tallyman, tally me banana. Daylight come and... I'm not sure this is alright. Why? What's up with that?

I'm not sure... This is the song. Yeah, I'm not sure the whole voice is alright. That's What's up with that? This is the song. Yeah. I'm not sure the whole voice is alright. That's how you sing it. Tally man

tally me banana. That's the lyrics of the song. And all that. I'm just I'm not sure it's alright. It's not alright

for me to sing there. In like a really thick Cod Caribbean accent. It's not Cod Caribbean accent that's how you sing it. Come Mr. Tally man tally my banana. I'm just Tallyman, tally my banana.

I'm just... I didn't say tally my banana. Have I got to do that? Have I got to make it... Oh, sorry. All right, I'll do it this way. Day-o. No, you can sing...

Day-o. Daylight's come and I want to go home. Day. I say day. I say day. I say day-o. Daylight's come and I want to go home.

Come, Mr Manning, charge of counting up the bananas, count the bananas. Daylight, come and I want to go home. It's better. It's not better. It's better. Daylight, come and I want to go home. No, you're doing it worse now. Hear me what I say. Hear me what I say.

Hear me what I say is important, Deo. You've ruined this. You've ruined this at the end. You've been a little bit naughty there. Yeah. You said to me, all through the episode, I couldn't mention Harvey, Jordan's son. Well, you can't.

Why? Because Frankie Ball has been in trouble in the papers. Yeah, we're just going to leave it, mate. We're not going to try and wade in and get involved. I was having a go at Harvey years ago. I know you were, mate. Why was I not in the bloody papers and getting sued by Jordan? Because you're not important enough. Why can I not be important?

Please kind of be important so that when I say upsetting things about Harvey, do you have a go at me? Just leave it, mate. You know, it's been done now. It's been done. Yeah, done by me first and then Frankie Boyle done it. Yeah. Well why can't we not

both be in trouble together? Two people in trouble. You can't. You're going to have to find something else to be in trouble. Ray Peacock and Frankie Boyle are in trouble at the same time in the paper.

Well you can't be. Why? Why can't you see me? You're going to need to find something else to be in trouble about. No I'll have another go at Harvey. No don't please. Why?

We've had a lovely day and you're just going to ruin it with a bit of orribleness. No, I'm not saying orribleness. I'm just saying that he is cross-eyed. Yeah, well, he is. That's true. Let's leave it. You can't sue me for that. He's blind. I mean, I think if you're talking about his eyes. I don't think he's blind. Yeah, we've been through this. He's registered blind.

Yeah. I agree with that. Yeah. I don't think he's completely blind. Right, okay. But I know you can be blind. Yeah. Without being blind. Just get your money, don't it? No. No, just get your money. You're accusing Harvey of being a benefit fraud.

No, I didn't say it was fraud. I'm saying you can be not blind. Like, you can see. Yeah. But be registered blind and it gets you money. That is a fact. Right, okay. But you mean, like, partially sighted?

That is a fact. I don't think Harvey claims it himself. I don't know if anyone claims it. I don't know if anyone claims it. I don't know if she does or not. I've no idea. It's one of the few things she hasn't publicly said. Right. I mean, I only know he's called Harvey.

Same with Frankie. I only know he's called Harvey. I only know that he's big, like, massive and cross-eyed. No, he's blind. You can't say cross-eyed. But he is cross-eyed. Yeah, but the main thing about him, in his eyes, is that he's blind. All right, all right, all right.

The only reason I know he's called Harvey, the only reason I know he's massive and blind cross-eyed. Yeah, but the main thing about him in his eyes is that he's blind. Alright, alright. The only reason I know he's called Harvey the only reason I know he's massive and blind cross-eyed Right? The only reason I know that he's got burnt

in the bath the only reason I know anything about him is because she sold it to the papers. Yeah. That's the only reason I know that.

Yeah. So you can't really turn around after that and say Oh, leave my big mongo baby alone! Right, no! We can't end turn around after that and say oh leave my big mongo baby alone right no we can't end today's podcast with you singing deo and then saying harvey's a mongo cumbersome baby and she's going oh leave him alone harvey is a little miracle yeah is he a little

miracle is he yeah he's a little miracle no he's not there's millions of people that's not a miracle it's not a miracle a one-off would be a miracle oh she's right no he is a miracle's not a miracle. It's not a miracle. A one-off would be a miracle. Oh. She's right. No, he is a miracle. He is a miracle, yeah. It's certainly a one-off. Yeah. How far do you think he could kick a football?

Pretty far, mate. I reckon he could kick a football. I think he'd have to have at least 20 attempts to actually hit the football, but once he does it, it'd fucking fly off. Yeah. He could, like, point him at it. Yeah. He could move his shoulders. Right.

And then push him towards the football. This is horrible. Let him belt it as far as he can. Just go, go on, Harvey. Go on. Imagine it. Yeah. He can move his shoulders and then push him towards the football. This is horrible. Let him belt it as far as he can. Just go, go on, Harvey. Go on. Imagine it's mummy.

I'll tell you what, though. As it's Christmas time and that, we've had a bit of a joke about Harvey and that, but we're not laughing at his disability. Just pointing out

the inconsistencies in what she's saying given the way she acts. Yeah, yeah. Which I think is fair common. Yeah. But, what, I'd say it'd be lovely

just so we can all make friends again and I'll do this as an open invite to the Jordan family. Yeah. I don't really know how it breaks down nowadays

because there seems to be a lot of dads knocking about. I don't know who's talking to it at the moment or who lives with who or you know.

But what I'll say is come on, you're all invited. Peter Andre, Peter Andre, Dwight York. Dwight York's invited. Yeah, Alex Reid. Alex Reid. Wise men. Yeah, they're the wise men. Joseph would be a weird one come on you're all invited yeah peter andre peter andre dwight york dwight york's invited yeah alex

reed wise men yeah they're the wise men joseph would be a weird one because i'd go for dane bowers would you yeah yeah i'll tell you what let's not do nativity right because that's gonna get too complicated right and i don't know if they get on or not right like all the different yeah it might be difficult and i tell you what i know i'm gonna be in charge of props and fuck me i'm not gonna be able to find a manger. Forget that. Yeah. Let's do Christmas Carol. Because I think, we'll update it, we'll update it.

Because I think that Jordan would be a good Scrooge. Yeah, Spooge we could call her. Yeah, Spooge. Given how she's been talking this week, she seems like a bit of a miserable cunt. Yeah. But that's how she seems to me. Yeah. But we could like say, come on, hey, come on Jordan.

Yeah. Life's not so bad. Yeah. Let's go, oh, think about Tiny Tim not Tiny Tim Massive Harvey Massive Harvey think about think about Massive Harvey

at Christmas time yeah and Bob Cribbins what's he called Bob Cratchit Bob Cratchit Peter Andre Peter Andre yeah

Cratchit Peter Cratchit Peter Crouch it's got Peter Crouch in there because she's buggered for a footballer I believe yeah

I think that would be a lovely Christmas carol to do. Yeah, it would be. We're extending the hand of friendship. All our ex-partners can be the ghosts of Christmas past, the ghosts of Christmas future, the ghosts of Christmas present. Yeah. So it'd be like Gareth Gates, Dane Bowers, Dwight York.

Yeah, all famous. All famous, yeah. But that would be good. And that'll be on Town Hall. Matinee's Thursday, some dates are available. Yeah, three stars, some funny bits. but that'll be good and that'll be on at Town Hall matinees Thursday some dates are available yeah three stars

some funny bits that's my catchphrase Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble all music by The Tiger Lilies

except for the last one which is performed by Frank Sidebottom The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one which is performed by Frank Sidebottom. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk See you next week.

Do you remember that sushi restaurant and we had them bender boxes? Bento boxes. Bender boxes. That was in Windsor, wasn't it?

That was before our corporate gig. It was very, very funny. You were annoying me, mainly. Why was I annoying you? I that. You were annoying me, mainly. Why was I annoying... I don't like that. I annoy you.

No, but it's just, you're going, oh, I'm going to have a chicken bender box, and I had to keep going chicken bento box. Please don't ask the woman for a bender box when she comes over, poor girl. And she came over, and of course, you said, I'll have chicken bender box. Yeah.

And then she went, okay, two chicken bender box. Yeah. I couldn't stop. She got the joke. I love the fact that she was so polite. She just repeated what you said. She repeated my mispronunciation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that I didn't feel stupid. Chicken bender bucks. Chicken bender bucks. I proper got the giggles. They were nice, them bender boxes. They were very nice. Yeah, I'd go back there, mate.

Yeah, I'd have a bender box again. Yeah. Given half the chance. And other than what's the kindest way to kill a dog, that's all my notes.