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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast 2011.
We're coming.
2011.
Wow, I never thought I'd make it this far.
Maybe did I, but we have.
I'm Ray Peacock, hello.
Hello, I'm Ed Gamble, future Ed Gamble.
Well, you're not the future Ed Gamble, you're the present Ed Gamble, you'll always be the
present one. 2011. No, don't start all that. Future Rock. Yeah, that's my band, Future
Rock. Okay, what songs do you do? Welcome to the future. Oh, it's one of those bands.
Yeah, it's like from the future band. Oh, bollocks band. Not all bollocks. It is all
bollocks, mate. I hate them bands but it's all electro.
Ooh, doing all electronic stuff.
Speaking with, like,
I'm speaking for
a moniker.
What do you like?
That's how they sing it.
What do you like,
then, of music?
I like loads of music.
Like what?
Name five cool bands
that you like.
Band Naked Ladies.
Cool bands, mate.
Why, they're not cool?
Everyone has heard of them.
Oh, right.
Ones that no one
has heard of. Yeah, I like k Ones that no one has heard of?
Yeah, I like kooky ones.
I like...
My favourite music sometimes is just, like,
an African woman shouting into a tin.
All right, well, I'll tell you the ones I like, then.
What?
The Table Legs.
What?
Who are they?
Yeah, never heard of them, have you not, Matt?
They're sort of a folk Northern Soul one.
And then the other one I like is the Chester Draws
Chester Draws?
Yep
You buy a lot of their merchandise
don't you?
Yeah, Chester Draws
and I like the
What are the Chester Draws like?
Similar to the table
Right
And I like the
bookcase on either side of the telly
it's all one word
Bookcase on either side of the telly
What music do they do?
It's like rock but it's not like pub rock.
It's rock.
You think, oh, that's an original sort of rock.
The telescopes.
Very good.
Just to let everyone know, there is a telescope here.
12-inch ghost poster figures.
They sound brilliant.
What sort of music do they do?
Mainly 80s stuff. 80 do they do mainly 80s stuff
80s
yeah
small 80s stuff
undersized 80s
yeah
undersized
80s stuff
yeah
cool
so they're the bands
I like
they're brilliant mate
what are you going to say
in your speech
at the Chortle Awards
tonight when we win
oh well I've got it
all planned out
because we're Defo's going to win should I just at the Chortle Awards tonight when we win? Oh, well, I've got it all planned out, obviously, because we're deaf.
I was going to win.
I should just explain to people we've got nominated for an award.
Yeah, for a Chortle Award for Rear of the Year.
Best Internet, wasn't it?
Best Internet.
Yeah, we have invented the best internet.
Yeah.
And it's got all the best pages on it.
We have got Google on our one.
I am on Sky on my one.
And I think that I should win that.
I'm going to tap mac in to the awards tonight
yeah plunk it down in front of steve bennett it runs short i'll say there you go find anything
wrong with that internet nothing wrong with that at all yeah best one mate best look how quick it
runs yeah so so we win it that our internet is better than all the other internets we probably
will win it yeah definitely by the way uh if you listen to this now and you're going oh i didn't
know they're up for an award i didn didn't vote for them, then fuck off.
Yeah, fuck off. Go and put this
computer in the sea.
You're going to put a computer in the sea, will you?
Yeah. Because that's not fair. No.
And I know there'll be people who'll say that. Yeah. Because they
don't bother looking at our website. No.
Peacockandgamble.com. Yeah, the best website.
Best website. Best internet, innit?
We'll probably win that on the best internet, won't we?
So, if you didn't vote for us, then you're not allowed to listen to this.
Yeah, goodbye.
You're actually not allowed to listen to it.
If you didn't vote for us, if you voted for someone else by accident,
if you voted for...
Which happened.
Which did happen, apparently.
And I don't see the funny side of that.
No, not funny.
So we're not going to laugh along with that.
It's not funny.
It's not funny.
Fuck off.
You can't listen to it.
If you voted for anyone else,
much as I like Gary Delaney and his Twitter feed,
I'm not having it.
If you voted for anyone else and you can't listen to this,
you're major bed, go and line it.
Go and read Gary Delaney's Twitter feed for a bit.
Go on, go do that.
Go do that, see how you love it so much.
Go and get Gary Delaney's Twitter feed, right?
Finger it.
Then ask it to marry you,
because you're a bit overwhelmed with it letting you put a finger in there.
And when it says yes,
go get married to it
at a farm in Wales or somewhere.
Right?
Marry it.
Take it home.
Live with it.
You're not...
Don't think you can just come out
every now and again and go,
oh, I'm just nipping to Mazda
and come round and listen to our podcast
because you're not.
You're not.
We're not being used.
You don't...
Right, here's an idea.
Now what we do
is to cut people out
who don't look at the website.
Yeah.
We talk in our own language
and we put the key for that language
on the website.
That's brilliant.
And then they have to look at the website
for understand what we are.
Call in bit the...
Yeah.
For the rest of the show
we're going to see a baloodoo.
Yeah.
And then in order to find out
what we're saying
you have to go to the website
peacockandgumble.com
and put it into
Peacock and Gumball Translator
right
so the rest of the show
is just going to be us
talking our own language
yeah
it's a person who had
something like
a lefty
ding ding ding ding
whoa
it's going to be
like
it's not like
you're making fun
of an African language
that's not fake I was trying to know an african language that's not fake
no that was the language that means nice to meet you right yeah that wasn't don't think that ed
was saying that then as a as english language that was ed using our peacock and gamble language
yup yup yup yup so we're going to translate that in a minute with with gary delaney and the
drawing room who you've married and every now again, you just go and you go,
Gary, can I get you a cup of tea?
And he goes, get out, I am writing!
And you go in the kitchen and you have a cry.
You have a cry and drink a bit of wine.
And you think, oh, I wish I had stayed with Ray and Ed.
Rather than being impressed with all this wordplay.
I didn't realise it would take up so much of his time.
So, that's going to be my speech anyway.
And while we're on the subject of winning Best Internet.
Yeah.
What are you going to wear for the awards?
I was thinking I'll wear my shoes that I've brought round today.
My nice new shoes.
That'll do. Alright. That's enough, isn't it? Socks. Just wear your shoes. I was thinking I wear my shoes that I've brought around today. My nice new shoes. That'll do.
Alright.
Yep, that's enough, isn't it?
Socks.
Just wear your shoes.
I was thinking then
little hot pants.
Yeah.
Actually maybe cowboy boots.
This is actually the same costume
I'd wear if I was Doctor Who
by the way.
Okay.
Which I've always thought about
if I was ever Doctor Who.
I would like to be Doctor Who.
Yeah.
I think I'd be a good one
and a different stamp.
I'd put a different stamp on it.
Yeah, well you'd put the...
Because I think David Tennant
and Matt Smith,
it's nice.
I think they're
both good, but I
think they have a
certain similar air
to them.
But you know there's
been Doctor Who's
before that, don't
you?
Yeah.
It didn't start with
David Tennant and
Matt Smith.
I know you're a
young lad, but
Doctor Who isn't
always a young lad.
Like, I could play
Doctor Who.
No, I could even at
my age.
That would be an
interesting casting.
That would be an
interesting casting,
wouldn't it?
Like, as he goes
through, he just gets older and older
and more sort of hunched over and little and fat.
Right.
I don't know if that's ever happened,
whereas somebody's played Doctor Who who has been in Doctor Who
playing a different part before.
Almost certainly.
Well, we don't know that for definite.
Well, I think it has.
Can somebody let us know, please, on the website,
peacockinghamble.com, if you're a Doctor Who fan,
we're not going to go and Google Doctor Who.
If you are a Doctor Who fan, which're not going to go and Google Doctor Who. If you are a Doctor Who fan, which let's face it, you probably are.
Could you find out for us if someone has ever been in Doctor Who?
Yeah.
Not like that.
And I know he's not called Doctor Who before you start all that off.
I know he is the Doctor.
Doctor Zhivago.
If you could let us know and then that will give me hope.
Right.
Maybe I could play Doctor Who.
I think you could play Doctor Who.
I think that would be a very interesting choice,
my friend.
Yeah.
But I would like to be Doctor Who and all.
And this is what I would wear
because you have to have
a distinct costume,
don't you?
I've got a casting today,
by the way.
Have you?
Yep.
Well, good luck with that.
Cheers, mate.
Go on.
Cowboy boots.
I'll work from the bottom up.
Yep.
Cowboy boots, no socks.
Right.
To show that I can get stuck in
but I'm pretty chilled out.
Right.
Right?
Cowboy boots, no socks
to show I can get stuck in. Yeah, like I can work on like a ranch if need be but I'm pretty chilled out. Cowboy boots, no socks to show I can get stuck in.
Yeah, like I can work on a ranch
if need be but I'm chilled out. I don't need to wear
socks every day as a holiday.
You'll get blisters with that.
Well, I won't because I just use my sonic screwdriver on them.
Get rid of them.
So you're a doctor who mainly uses his sonic screwdriver
for fixing ailments about himself.
On the foot.
Oh, I've got a spot.
I put my sonic screwdriver on it.
There you go, I'm fine.
Right.
Then, little denim sort of hot pants short things.
Right, okay.
Right, everything packed in nice.
Yeah.
Because that, you know, if you land on a warm planet...
Do I get it packed in so people can see it as I pack it?
Yeah.
Alright.
If you're on a warm planet, then you're going to need the bare legs.
And if you're on a cold planet, just use something to warm it up.
Okay.
So little denim hot pants.
Yeah.
Hawaiian shirt.
Right, nice.
I used to wear a Hawaiian shirt when I was younger for a bit.
Of course you did, you're a fat boy.
No, but when I was a bit thinner, actually.
I used to wear a Hawaiian shirt because I thought that that would show that, you know,
every day is sort of quite Hawaiian.
It's quite chilled out.
Sense of humour. Yeah, sense of humour, personality. Yeah. Warm. that that would show that you know every day is sort of quite Hawaiian it's quite chilled out it's quite fun
sense of humour
personality
warm
doesn't take himself
too seriously
wears an Hawaiian shirt
not just because he's fat
just because he would
wear it anyway
yeah absolutely
and what did you wear
in the bottom
I mean is all this outfit
what you wore as a teenager
no no
not the cowboy boots
not the denim hot pants
won't allow them
so far as Doctor Who we've got cowboy, not the denim hot pants. So far as Doctor Who, we've got
cowboy boots, no socks, denim hot pants,
Hawaiian shirt, last thing, top it all off,
judge's wig, to show that I am
fair.
If a Dalek has not done
too much, I will let the Dalek go.
Right, if he's only done a bit of killing. If he's only done a bit
of exterminating. I'm surprised
that more people don't wear judge's
wigs. out and about the
place just to show
that they are fair
people.
I'm surprised.
People I think
people would trust
other people more
if every now and
again someone came
across who just
had a judges wig
on.
A judges wig that
would show that they
are fair.
And they'll go
alright well they'll
give me a fair earring.
Yeah either that or
holding some scales.
Well of course there
are cooks who do
that aren't there. Yeah. Fair cooks. Yeah. I that or holding some scales. Well, of course, there are cooks who do that, aren't there?
Yeah.
Fair cooks.
Yeah.
I've always found Delia Smith to be quite fair.
She is a very fair lady.
In my mind, anyway.
Yeah.
Although, interestingly, very chubby hands.
I've always noticed this with Delia Smith.
Watch her cooking programmes on the telly.
Very chubby, freckly hands.
Has she?
Yeah, when she's making dough and stuff.
Which bit of the hands is chubby?
Is it the palm?
It's all of it is quite chubby.
I tell you what I hate. What? of the hands is chubby? Is it the palm? It's all of it is quite chubby. I'll tell you what I hate.
What? A chubby palm.
I know because I've seen this happen
with you. I've seen you meet,
I saw you meet someone once who had a chubby palm
and that person shook your hand
and you like... I was
nearly sick. I know you were. It was like
a cushion. It was horrible.
Yeah. Imagine if that person
with the chubby palm was right, you're asleep.
Oh, no.
Right?
And they come up.
They just literally just rest on the other side of your face.
And you're in your dream-like state.
You're thinking, that's lovely.
That's really, really nice.
And then you just feel a bit of the side of the palm just flopping into your mouth.
As you're sleeping, you've got a bit of chubby palm in your mouth.
I'd hate that.
Chubby palms.
Chubby palms. Why are you scared of chubby palms? It was just a really weird feeling. People's hands got a bit of chubby palm in your mouth. I'd hate that. Chubby palms. Chubby palms.
Why are you scared of chubby palms?
It was just a really weird feeling.
People's hands shouldn't be that chubby.
Imagine if it turns out when you meet Flabella Benjamin that she has got chubby palms as well.
I bet she's got little Play-Doh hands.
You wouldn't be able to deal with it, would you?
I wouldn't be able to deal with it, mate.
I wouldn't be touching her hand.
I'd be off in the other direction.
Or she's just some Strobe driver on it.
So the emergency broadcast shows are coming up.
Oh, exciting!
Here at Cock and Gamble
emergency broadcast,
King's Place.
Yeah.
24th of Feb's the first one.
Yeah, and then 24th of March
is the one after.
How many is that in days
from now?
In days from now when we're recording it. 7th of May. Or if they then 24th March is the one after. How many is that in days from now? In days from now
when we're recording it
or if they're listening to it
on the Monday that this is released.
Monday the 7th.
Yeah, 7th.
So 16, 16.
No, is that right?
17.
17, I meant 17.
17 days.
17 days.
To get tickets.
To get tickets and get it on.
And it's selling extremely well
so you've got to get your tickets.
That's so well, isn't it?
I mean, if you can't get tickets for that
because it might have sold out by then.
So if you can't get tickets for that one, the next one's out by then, so if you can't get tickets for that one,
the next one's 24th of March.
Yep.
After that,
May the 26th.
Yep.
After that,
June the 23rd.
Yep.
We don't know if 26th
and 23rd,
if they're on sale yet
or not.
I'm not sure,
I don't think they are.
Okay,
well they're going to
be in a bit.
Yeah,
and we'll let you know
when they are
on the website,
on the badoo.
You're going to map.
There's also one
at York University
on the 11th of March,
but I think what
they're doing is
they've given the
tickets to the
students first
and then if there
are any left over
they're going to
give them to the
public.
Not give them,
you've got to pay
for them.
Yeah, so keep an
eye out because
as soon as we know
we'll tell you.
But that's a
different show that
one.
It's still the
emergency broadcast
but it's stand up
in the first half
and then it's a
constrained toned
down version of the big emergency broadcast show. Not toned down in content, we'll still be rude on that won't we? Oh no, just ton stand up in the first half and then it's sort of a constrained toned down version of
the big emergency
broadcast show.
Not toned down in
content.
We'll still be rude
in that won't we?
Oh no just toned
down in like the
colouring of it.
Yeah.
It's going to be
quite pallid.
Yeah like a blue
sheen to us.
You're like Avatar.
Yeah.
So the number if
you want to come to
the King's Play
shows for the box
office is 0207
520
Could you sing this?
No.
0207 520
1490 0207 520 oh could you sing this no 0207 520 1490
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0207 520 0207 5 value aren't we because we work very hard on the actual content of the show yeah which runs i think from eight till ten eight till ten yeah is the main show with a little interval in between for
you to go and get your drinks and nuts get a little bit of pop and then after that yeah optional
there is also we're going to screen the pilot we did last year yeah it's only a short little thing
ten minutes long yeah and we're also going to do a feedback session it's purely optional you don't
have to pay for it anything like that that's where we put the mics we've been using really close
yeah to the speakers.
We'll be touching our radio mics together,
right,
our little clip-on mics.
What we'll do is me and Ella just go right close
as if we're going to kiss each other
and it'll make a screechy noise.
And that's just that session,
a session of that, basically.
Yeah, do that for 20 minutes
and show in a film.
So that's extra value.
Yeah.
Excuse me, Ray.
Yeah.
What do you think you might wear to the Chortle Awards
slash what would you wear if you were Doctor Who?
Two answers to that.
All right.
I probably won't be at the Chortle Awards.
I'm probably not coming here.
Oh.
I've never been to the Chortle Awards.
To be honest with you,
there's more of a chance of me going this year
because I'm nominated for something.
What's always put me off in the past
has been going and not being nominated.
Yeah, sure.
I'm not going to go and watch other people
less deserving than me
win awards. Oh, well, you're really ingrat go and watch other people less deserving than me win awards.
Oh, well, you're really
ingratiating yourself
to the community there, aren't you?
I'm also worried as well
that if I go tonight
to the Total Awards,
again, I'll have to watch people
less deserving than me
win awards.
Why put myself through that?
I might come meet you before it
and then just walk you to it.
All right, then.
And then put you in it.
I've been it a couple of times
because it's free drink, isn't it? I don't know. don't know is it yeah well you went and presented an award once as
well yeah that was a disaster you went with the rg i don't i don't think i'm gonna drink this
time i think i'm just gonna go and watch us win and then live it and then get the tube home live
us winning get a tube home with an award in your hand yeah and then people were going oh who's that
bloke and yeah and then you you'll just oh, I'm just no one. Yeah.
So what I'm saying is, as my answer is,
I probably will just wear what I'll be wearing,
which is just... Okay, which is a full baby grow, isn't it?
Black top.
A full baby grow with a big Superman logo,
but R instead of S.
Some jeans, blue jeans, white trainers, as normal.
And I think that's how I would be Doctor Who.
Is I'd just wear it.
Part of the problem with telly stuff,
when you're going
to film TV stuff
the most boring part
of it is going
putting your costume on
and getting your makeup
on and all that
sort of lava
yeah it is
and hanging about
it is I know
what you mean mate
oh when are they
going to film my scenes
yep that's what you do
that's often
I've seen you
hanging about
yeah
at TV recordings
going when are they
going to film my
and they never do
yeah sometimes
you just wait all night
and then you go home.
All sad.
So, with that in mind,
just turn up in your own stuff.
Right.
So that's what I'll be doing
when I play the Doctor of Doctor Who.
I'm not one for dressing up.
I don't look very good in a suit at the moment.
I used to when I was younger.
I tell you what, I think you do.
I don't.
I'm too tubby and my hair's too long.
Right.
It won't do suit.
I tell you, I don't look nice in black tie because I genuinely always look like a bouncer.
Well, that's all right, though.
It's not like that.
Not really.
Not if you're going to a posh party.
I think you'd look quite cool, mate.
And people will be going, oh, why have you come in?
I've not done anything.
I've not done anything.
Just punch them in the face and throw them out.
Yeah, I do.
I do in the end because I buy into the role so much.
Exactly.
Get away with it.
Yeah.
So my options are, go in my normal scruff, go in suit and tie and look stupid, or go
in fancy dress. Can or go in fancy dress.
Can't go in fancy dress because I don't agree with it.
Why don't you agree with fancy dress?
I think fancy dress is the most ludicrous thing of ever inventedness.
I love fancy dress.
Nonsense, no you don't.
What have you done in fancy dress, us?
Probably some of my best ones.
An English man.
You went as an English man to school?
Little shorts pulled up really high, t-shirt with a Union Jack on it, knotted handkerchief,
big glasses with flipped down sunglassy bits. Right. And and socks right that was brilliant right that was a good one what else
have i gone as though we've talked about on the podcast before luck would be bomb yeah can we not
talk about that i didn't go very well why would you do it though it's fun do you know what i don't
like about fancy dress the most is other people's reactions to it i remember i was at uh what
services was it it was one of the m60s i can't remember what it's called it was the morning of
halloween and the ladies that worked in the starbucks there were all dressed up with halloween
costumes right yeah one of them was all like green face he was a witch right right and the bloke it
was being served before me yeah honestly didn't shut up about it for so long and he was just
nudging his mate and he was going oh oh um you shouldn't be in today you look a bit green
laugh laugh laugh laugh yeah oh you should go home
you're not well
you are green
laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh
oh look at her over there
only half eleven
and she's already been mauled to death
because there's all this blood on her and that
right
she's been mauled to death
so he's sending her home
I like that it's only half eleven
yeah
that usually happens at one.
Yeah, it's been half eleven already.
She has been mauled to death.
So, have a half day off.
Yeah.
So I don't like all that.
I don't think I've...
Well, I have done fancy dress in my life.
I entered two fancy dress costumes.
I bet you went as Blues Brothers quite a lot, didn't you?
No, because I was in Blues Brothers,
so I used to get to dress up as Blues Brothers.
Because Blues Brothers is the typical cop-out fancy dress costume.
Okay.
That's what I always found.
There was always someone who went as one of the Blues Brothers
because it meant they could just put a suit on
and a hat and sunglasses
and actually look quite cool when they were doing fancy dress.
And also, they didn't have to go out and buy anything special.
We should go to Chorley Awards as Blues Brothers.
Yeah.
I've done two fancy dress.
One was, I was about five or six something
and I went as Superman.
Brilliant.
It was just a Superman costume.
Yeah. That had been bought. Yeah, see, I don't agree with that. No, me either about five or six something, and I went as Superman. Brilliant. It was just a Superman costume.
Yeah.
That had been bought.
Yeah, see, I don't agree with that.
No, me either.
Looking back at it, I entered a fancy dress costume competition.
Like, buttoned into somewhere.
Just wearing a Superman outfit.
Yeah, that's rubbish.
Official DC Superman outfit.
Surely that's a winner.
I've got a picture of me wearing it.
Yeah.
With a clown with his arm around me.
Also, it sets me on the look of it, because he looks, it's quite a scary clown, and he's also definitely dead.
What do you mean?
He's dead now.
Now?
Yeah.
Might be John Wayne Gacy.
Could be John Wayne Gacy, yeah.
Yeah.
Lucky escape there, I know.
And the other one I did was in jersey ones.
That's not fancy dress, just wearing a jersey.
When I think about it, right?
Jersey de place.
Bergerac.
When I think about it, and I look back, it makes look back it makes me cows and that it makes me really cringe
because they were
having a fancy dress
competition at a hotel
and I decided
I wanted to go as Popeye
so what happened was
my mum took me out
shopping
we were running a bit late
and the only bit we got
the only bit we got
was a pipe
right
it was a real pipe
yeah
I can remember
I took it in the swimming pool
anyway
we got the pipe
and my mum was saying,
we'll get you a sailor outfit and stuff to go with it.
And we'll draw your tattoos on with that.
Yeah.
The day the fancy dress competition arrived,
took me out into Jersey, into the town and that.
Couldn't get a sailor outfit for love nor money.
On the day you were doing this?
On the day.
I would just get a sailor outfit on the day.
Yeah, what's your thought?
It's like you could go to a fancy dress shop and just get one.
Yeah, yeah.
No one had one.
Couldn't get one nowhere.
Went and tried like army, navy stores, all that business.
Yeah. Nothing. Nothing even like one. Yeah. I'm getting more and more wound up. I can still remember it. Yeah. to the dress shop and just get one and no one had one couldn't get one nowhere went and tried like army navy stores all that business nothing
nothing even like one
I'm getting more and more
wound up
I can still remember it
getting really keyed up
and angry about it
I was like
this is just gonna be
how can I go as Popeye
when all I've got is a pipe
right
as it turns out
that would have been
a better costume
than the one I ended up with
right
because what happened was
last minute
we're just passing this shop
and my mum went,
oh, you could just go as a monkey.
Right?
And I'm thinking,
I've just got some sort of idea.
Right?
All she bought was
a monkey mask
over the head one.
Yeah.
Right?
Which she sold to me
on the basis that it looked
a bit like Chewbacca.
Which it didn't at all.
And unbeknownst to me, she also bought two rubber snakes.
Here's how I went to the fancy dress.
And by the way, there were hundreds of people there.
Pair of my mum's knickers.
Snakes around my shoulders.
And a monkey mask on.
And that was it.
Why did you have a pipe?
I didn't have a pipe.
I didn't use the pipe. I didn't get to use it. That was it. Why did you have a pipe? I didn't have a pipe. I didn't use the pipe.
I didn't get to use it.
That was it.
Why did the monkey have knickers and snakes?
I've literally no idea to this day.
Were you bare apart from the knickers?
Bare.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you're like Mowgli and then a monkey's head with some snakes.
Completely.
I was like Mowgli if he hadn't been rescued from the jungle.
And you won the competition.
I didn't win it.
You know what you had to do?
There was a bit where
you had to come out
in front of everyone
and just do a bit
with the audience.
Yeah.
Do you know what I
did?
What?
I was panicking that
much.
I didn't know I'd
have to do that.
Yeah.
I was brought out
and I put on my
mum's knickers and
a monkey mask on.
Right?
And I can vividly
remember this.
And I can remember
seeing it through the
eyes of the monkey
mask.
Yeah.
It's quite how
isolated I was in
there.
Yeah.
I think it's the closest I'll ever come to being a serial killer
and just losing my mind.
I literally ran about that stage
hitting the front row with snakes.
Really hard.
Yeah.
And I can remember doing it really hard.
I remember children crying and stuff.
So I was like smashing them.
I bet there's children who were there
who were still scarred from it.
Children crying. I was smacking it across the faces and I didn't were there who were still scarred from it. Children crying,
I was smacking it across the faces
and I didn't win.
Brilliant story though, mate.
It was very avant-garde.
It was like Bauhaus.
Should have won it.
If I'd have had the pipe, I'd have won.
Haven't people been waiting a long time
for this podcast to come back?
I suppose.
And they've been waiting for this section.
We did one at Christmas. Ed's film pitches. We're not doing it. I suppose. And they've been waiting for this section. We did one at Christmas.
Ed's film pitches. We're not doing it. I thought
we'd agreed that we weren't doing sections. Hey, no. Listen to this.
I've got a joke planned about this. Right.
People have been waiting longer for film
pitches than they have been for the
Prime Minister of Egypt to leave.
Right. We agreed
that we weren't going to do regular sections
anymore. This isn't a regular section. I've only done it once.
Oh, I've got you. No, but by done it once. Oh, I've got you.
No, but by doing it again...
Oh, I've got you.
All right, then.
By doing it again, it's not a regular section.
It's a repeat section.
It will only be a regular section if I do it once more
with exactly the same time distance from this one.
I just think I prefer the podcast.
It's easier to edit as well when we don't have a regular section,
when we don't have things we have to keep doing every week.
Let's call it something different.
All right, what is it?
Ed's Film Idea. Right. Not Ed's something different alright what is it Ed's film idea right
not Ed's film pictures
alright Ed's film idea
right it's sort of a pitch
no you can't say that
just say it's Ed's film idea
Ed's film idea
right
right do you want to
hear it or not
not really
it's called OMG
and it is a teen issues
horror drama
okay is this the thing
that when you arrived
at my house today
you held that up
and said this is nonsense
no so it's not that no that was a picture of your career uh oh Okay, is this the thing that when you arrived at my house today, you held that up and said, this is nonsense?
No.
So it's not that?
No, that was a picture of your career.
Uh-oh!
Right.
I'm just getting you in the mood for the American.
For the American, because it's like American.
Uh-oh, like American.
OMG.
You can do American all you want.
Yeah.
But American isn't just, let's insult Ray.
Snap.
What's up with my career? Nonsense. Oh, it's not, American isn't just let's insult Ray. Snap. What's up with my career? It's nonsense.
Oh, it's had good bits in it.
There have been some good bits, don't.
I will kill myself.
Don't kill yourself.
I will kill myself now.
Don't kill yourself.
Right, go on.
I'm not carrying your coffin, you fat wanker.
Like, what is this now?
I love you, though, but I'm trying my very best to lose some weight at the moment.
I'm eating cracker bread.
I know you're eating cracker bread all day.
I've stopped eating butter, I've stopped eating bread,
I've stopped drinking pop, and I've stopped eating chocolate.
That is very good.
Well done.
I've said well done.
I'm fucking miserable.
I hate it.
I hate this.
Please can I have a Chinese?
You can't have a Chinese.
Chinese makes you sneeze anyway.
You can't have a Chinese.
I know.
I'm allergic to MSG, aren't I?
Whenever you have a Chinese, you turn into a little kitten
on YouTube.
I keep thinking, well, you should film
me one time. Alright, oh, let's do that.
Let's get a Chinese tonight and you film me after
it. We're not getting a Chinese and pretending it's
part of work. We can write it off
our tax. Right, well, we can.
Imagine if you get looked into, if you get investigated
and go, what was this? Why have you put a Chinese
dinner on here? Oh, we were getting that because Chinese makes me sneeze and we were filming it.
Me and Ed were filming it to put it on YouTube.
Definitely try that.
Right, here we go.
OMG, a teen issues horror drama.
Imagine you are from the studio, right?
Right, okay.
The setting, American high school.
Okay, listen.
I only got a few minutes.
No, no.
You've just said imagine I'm from the studio.
Don't do a character.
Look, this is my bit.
You can't do one of your famous characters. You've just said imagine I'm from the studio. Don't do the character. Look, this is my bit. You can't do one of
your famous characters.
You've just said
imagine I'm from the studio.
Hey, in you come.
Sit yourself down.
I'm just smoking
my WXF fibre tip.
You're British.
Sit...
This is a British studio.
Oh, hello there.
In you come.
Sit yourself down.
Right, you're not in it anymore.
What a nice boy.
You're not in it.
You're just Ray.
What's your name?
You're normal Ray now.
You're normal Ray now. Right it. You're normal Ray now.
Right.
The setting, American High School, USA, America.
Plot.
Tiffany is a geek.
And boy, do I mean geek.
She has glasses.
She has just moved from the countryside town of Notkoolsville.
Of where?
Notkoolsville.
All right, nice.
Population 11.
To the ultra swish urban environment of USA, America.
She is kind and understanding and expects the other girls in her new school, American High School, to be the same.
Right, just hang on.
They are not.
Yesterday, you criticised me because at the end of a thing that we'd filmed,
I used as the final music of it, Everybody's Making It Big But Me, by Dr Hook.
Yeah.
And you said, oh, that's a bit too literal.
Yeah.
I wouldn't use that because it's too literal. I said, I think it sounds nice. It is a bit literal but me by Dr. Hook. Yeah. And you said, oh, that's a bit too literal. Yeah. I wouldn't use that
because it's too literal
and I think it sounds nice.
It is a bit literal.
Yeah, no.
Well, today you've turned up
with an idea saying
that a girl who's not cool
is from Not Coolsville.
Oh, that's weird.
What?
That that's worked out like that.
Right, carry on.
I just looked on Google Maps.
Did you?
Yeah.
It's a real place, is it?
Yeah.
Where is it in there?
Washington.
Right.
The first girl she meets
is Amber Bitchington Lipstick
who is popular, rich, attractive,
and makes that L sign for loser out of her finger and thumb on her forehead,
and everyone laughs.
Yeah.
She takes a not shine to Tiffany,
and I couldn't think of a word.
Oh, God, Ed.
And along with her crew, Stacy,
the slightly uglier one who seems to be a bit nicer when Amber is not around,
and Shaniqua,
the urban one with attitude.
What's urban?
It's a film term.
What does it mean?
Just a bit cool with attitude.
Right.
So urban means cool with attitude?
Yeah, in film terms.
Right.
They play merciless pranks on Tiffany.
And Bully, that is issue number one.
I've marked all the teen issues in this, by the way.
I see.
Because this is how we're going to sell it.
And Bully, issue one, for her horrendous acne,
issue two,
which is all over her face.
But not so much
that you can't tell
she is pretty underneath.
I see, okay.
One day,
it all gets too much
for Tiffany
and she feels
she can no longer
get help from her parents,
both played by Rick Moranis.
Rick Moranis is retired?
No, he can't come back
for this.
He's not coming back
for Ghostbusters 3.
Why would he come back for this?
Because he gets to play two parts like Eddie Murphy.
Right, okay.
She decides to cast a voodoo spell.
Why not cast Eddie Murphy as it instead?
Because the lady, the girl in question is not urban,
so it wouldn't make sense for Eddie Murphy.
Sorry, what? Urban?
Cool, because Eddie Murphy is too cool to be her parents.
It needs to be someone geeky like Rick Moranis.
I mean, I just need to turn a page and there are two more pages of this.
No there's one more
page and then the
cast.
That's enough.
Go on.
She decides to cast
the voodoo spell on
the girls who have
been tormenting her.
She goes to the
machine from Big and
puts.
What?
The machine from Big?
Yeah.
Like the fortune teller
thing?
Yeah.
That's how she does
the voodoo spell.
She goes to the
machine from Big and
puts in a bit of her
lady's blood.
Issue three.
Menstrual blood?
Lady's blood. We don't saystrual blood? Lady's blood.
We don't say menstrual blood.
What's the issue with that?
Periods.
How's that?
Or girls,
because there's someone
who might be worrying about it
so you showed it.
It's alright.
Yeah, it's alright.
Just shove it in your hand
and put it in a machine.
Find the one from Big.
That's like dinner of issues.
And does a chant from a secret book
she found earlier
on the internet,
issue four.
Why is that an issue?
Because Facebook, internet. What do you mean Facebook? Facebook, the internet, issue four. Why is that an issue? Because Facebook, internet.
What do you mean Facebook?
Facebook, Bebo, MySpace.
Yeah, but how is that an issue?
Teen issues, this is what they care about.
Twitter.
Twitter, Facebook, Bebo.
Hey, we've got a new Twitter account,
at PGEB Live.
PGEB Live, at PGEB Live.
Yeah, that's for the live show.
Sorry, Ed, go on.
So what's the issue?
I was thinking we could get T-shirts done,
like CBGBs, but with PGEB.
I don't know what CBGB's is. It's a famous
New York club, and you'd recognise the t-shirt design.
I'll look it up. I'll Google it on the internet.
On the internet. Issue 4, there we go.
Whilst looking for information about boys,
issue 5. See, I've really got
into the mind of a girl here. You've not
at all. So far, you've got her
on Facebook thinking about boys and shoving
her fanny blood up her finger Coney Island.
Little does she know, she has made a mistake in the spell caused by her faulty printer, issue 6.
How is that an issue?
Teenagers might have faulty printers. She has actually awoken a demon in her acne, see issue 2.
Oh for fuck's sake, you can't have a demon in her acne.
Can now, she's done a spell from the menstrual blood that she learnt badly off the internet
because of her faulty printer issues.
I think you're on smack.
Team Whatever continue to tease her mercilessly.
That's what I've called the bullies.
Team Whatever,
because they go whatever
and do the L on their forehead.
I imagine you wrote it
and then just put whatever down
and then thought,
oh, that actually works.
Until she feels her face itching.
Suddenly, in the middle of cooking class where everyone spends most
of their time talking about n-sync issue seven an acne demon bursts forth from her cheek
shiniqua is immediately murdered when her training bra issue eight is ripped through her neck right
first off why is shiniqua the first one to die it's just tradition what's the tradition
shiniqua it's the last one in the alphabet gets killed first.
And how's Shanique
with the last one
in the alphabet?
Of all the girls,
apart from Stacey.
Right.
She was closest
when her training bro
was hanging out
at her Buckley top.
Right.
Nothing to do
with being urban then?
Nope.
Right.
The other two
guard bullies are
chased through the
corridors of the school
and Stacey is killed
by a falling
Zac Efron poster,
issue 9,
covered in drugs,
issue 10.
Want to find out what happens next?
No.
Then commission the script
as a Hollywood film.
Cast,
Tiffany,
Sandra Bullock,
Amber,
Christina Aguilera.
Tiffany, Sandra Bullock?
Yeah.
She's about 40.
Yeah, but I thought she'd be good in this.
You can't have Sandra Bullock
as the main lead in a teen film.
Right, well that's flexible.
Right, go on.
Amber, Christina Aguilera.
Stacey, Kathy Najimy.
I don't know who that is.
Big fat lady.
She was in Hocus Pocus.
She's one of the women.
I've got to...
Was she in Sistrats as well?
Yes, she was, yeah.
Okay.
Shaniqua, Precious.
The big girl out of Precious.
Yeah.
Yeah, Precious.
Todd, Justin Bieber. So she's Shaniqua, is she? Shaniqua is played by Precious. The big girl out of Precious. Yeah. Yeah, Precious. Todd, Justin Bieber.
So she's Shaniqua, is she?
Shaniqua is played by Precious from Precious.
And she's got a training bra on.
Yeah.
So you're maintaining...
In your casting, you did say in your thing,
she's killed by a training bra.
I did.
Right.
Yeah, you've cast Precious as Shaniqua.
Yeah.
Have you seen Precious?
I've seen the trailer for it.
Right.
Have you seen the poster for it?
Based on the novel Push by Sapphire.
Have you seen the poster for Precious?
Yeah.
Did you not notice in that poster
how massive her busters are?
Right.
They are massive busters.
Wouldn't they need
training to stay in?
Carry on.
Who's your other members?
Mum and Dad,
Rick Moranis,
Todd,
Justin Bieber.
Right, I don't know
who that is.
Sandra Bullock,
Christina Aguilera,
Kathy Najimy,
Precious from Precious,
Rick Moranis
and Justin Bieber.
That is an Oscar winning cast.
Such a shame it will
never see the light of day.
It might do.
On account of being shit.
Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed
by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble.
All music by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one
which is performed by Frank Sidebottom.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production
hosted by Chortle.co.uk.
See you next week.