The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 59

Episode Date: March 15, 2020

"Episode 59" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 60 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hello and welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. I don't even know what that accent is. I am, this is a special message from the German Peacock and Gamble. That's German, is it? I am German Ed Gamble, all the way here in Frankfurter. And I am Ray Peacock. No, you're German Ray Peacock.

I am a German Ray Peacock. Do your voice properly. Don't do an impression of the English one. Oi, sausages. Do a war. How's that for German? Well, it's very nice to be asked to do the... You sound Dutch. All right, all right, we're the Dutch ones. All right, then. What's that for German? Well it's very nice to be asked to do the... You sound Dutch!

Alright, alright, we're the Dutch ones. Nice to be asked... German, Germany, Germany... Germany! My name is German! Okay, very welcome to be a German! Hallo! Nice to be here for the German

Peacock und Campbell! We have been asked to do a diplomatic message all the way from Germany why have you turned into

Rolf from the Muppet Show because I was looking at a figure of him of a bust of him all the way from Germany

now it is wonderful there's hands across the ocean all the way to shut up we enjoy the English people

we are very popular here in Germany we are on the television we have our own show oh shut up yeah shut up you German idiot yeah we work hard do you know what was weird about that then is that your German accent actually started to work

did it you started really bad. Yeah. But then the more you did it, it got quite nice and actually went into quite a nice, relatively subtle German accent. That happens with all my... My actual voice in the morning, rubbish, doesn't sound like me at all. As I go through the day, I sound more and more like me. By the time you've taken delivery from Love Honey, you're alright.

One of your parcels from Love Honey that you're always getting these days. Yeah, yeah. Dirty boy. Well, everyone will be able to see one of the things that I got from Love Honey in the show on February 24th. Oh, yeah, we should do that this week, actually, because last week we didn't do it until the very end. No, we should plug it early, shouldn't we? Yeah, and that was stupid. Yeah.

Because sometimes people turn it off. Yeah. And they won't hear the last bit as well. So if you want to come to our Spunk Everywhere special, which is, we were going to call it the Peacock and Gamble emergency broadcast. Yeah. But then last week, I think I hit on something.

You want to call it the Spunk Everywhere special? I think I captured lightning in a bottle and realised that probably the time was right in entertainment at the moment. Right. Like, what show has got Spunk Everywhere at the moment? Nothing. No shows have got spunk everywhere.

You're probably right. So what we should do to spunk everywhere, Peacock and Gamble show. There's nowhere called the emergency broadcast though, is there? A show called emergency broadcast. Yes, yes. Hospital. Hospital. Yeah.

That's your answer to that. Yeah, that's where there is one. And there's probably spunk everywhere in a hospital as well. The accident and emergency broadcast. And why would there be spunk in a hospital? Alright, in a sperm clinic. Anyway, you're around there. You're disgusting what you do in A&E. With all them vulnerable people. Welcome to the show. You're welcome. So, the spunk show we're doing, spunk everywhere show. No, it's called the Peacock and Gamble Emergency Broadcast.

It's at King's Place. It's at King's Place in London. This coming Thursday, 24th February. 24th February, yes, please. Thank you very much for that. 0207 520 1490, that's the box office, or on kingsplace.co.uk. You can get tickets on there as well. Is it ready?

Better be by now. It is a bit ready, isn't it? A little bit ready, yeah. We hope it is anyway. We were just discussing that, certainly in my head, when I think of the show happening, I imagine a set. A massive set, yeah.

Yeah, like a TV set. Well, you just told me you've imagined one bit where there's a riverbank. Yeah, I imagined a riverbank for one bit. Real grass. I feel like we're going to get there the other day and go, where is the riverbank? I've got a little feeling that we'll get there the other day

and they won't have pre-prepared a riverbank without being asked. Yeah, Kingsplay's going to go, you never mentioned having a riverbank? I've got a little feeling that we'll get there on the day and they won't have pre-prepared a riverbank without being asked. Yeah, Kingsway's going to go, you never mentioned having a riverbank. And even if you had, we wouldn't have made

you a riverbank. No. It's just going to be a bare stage, mate. Why will no London venue pre-empt your riverbank? That's what I want. That's why we stopped

doing it at the Leicester Square Theatre and all that. They would never pre-empt a riverbank. They would never pre-empt and then just stick us in a corner and take all our money. It's essentially what they did when they put something on in the big room that hardly

sells any tickets, in my opinion. And I keep thinking, because it's a very ambitious show, the emergency broadcast, I think. Oh, it's full of ambition. We're plucky, lads. Oh, we are plucky. It won't look like it is. No, it'll look bare, because there won't be a riverbank. Yeah.

Imagine a riverbank. And when you watch it, you'll be going, well, what bit of this is ambitious? Right, but it actually is. If you break it down to its component parts, it is very ambitious. Which we're yet to do. We've not learnt it yet.

No. We've not learnt it, but I've typed it up. Yeah, well done. I've typed up a lot of it and we've had the ideas and we've got some props for some bits.

Yeah. Like what will often happen is, for example, say that we need a prop. Yeah. A fishing rod, for example. Right, okay, yeah. Say we need a fishing rod and say we need a pot of honey.

Yeah. Right? They're just two things off the top of my head. Yeah. What we've done so far is we've gone, right, well, let's buy the string for the fishing rod. And then we've stopped thinking about it. Yeah, and then that is it.

Yeah, not thought about it anymore write down string for fishing rod we do need that we do actually need string for fishing rod but it'll be it's going to be a laugh

either way it'll be a laugh just watching us trying to do it and we do appreciate because we have sold a lot of tickets so we do appreciate

the people that have bought the tickets that have been hoodwinked into that and we hope that some more of you are as stupid hoodwinked? yeah what's that all about? what do you mean? where yeah. They've been hoodwinked into that. Yeah. And we hope that some more of you are as stupid. Hoodwinked?

Yeah. What's that all about? What do you mean? Where does that come from? Hoodwinked. Yeah. Of course, in the olden days, when people had to wear rods,

and often what would happen is, is around the pubs in East End London, Yeah. by gaslight, people would be in the pubs with their rods up. Yeah. Yeah. Why?

Why? Why? And we'll tell you. All right. Playing cards. Because nowadays, you have what you call a poker face. Yeah. Yeah. Why? Why? Why? And we'll tell you. Alright. Playing cards. Because nowadays, you have what you call a poker face.

Yeah. You know, you have to keep a very straight face and that, you play cards. You do, yeah. Or smirk, whatever you decide to do.

When they had huds, they didn't have to do that. Right. Because the huds would cover their faces. But every now and

again, all the other players, right, would gang up on one player. Right. Right, to make them lose. Right.

So what they'd do is, those players would just pull the ruds back a little bit and all wink at each other. As if to go, right, we're getting Charlie out of this. We're getting Charlie out of this game, right? And that's where the phrase, to be hoodwinked.

And they hoodwinked him by saying, come and join the game, it'll all be fair. Yeah, they were all winking from under the ruds. So that's how Charlie got hoodwinked in that particular game and another thing that i want to know what's that all about yeah i should do a section of it what's that all about i know it does sound a bit like an open spot comedian but i like it as well let's do what's that all about every week i'll do um a little sort of uh jingle for it all right who was that all about yeah that's good it's mostly americans here. So what we have to do every week

is we have to perform our first bit of comedy and then we'll discuss what's that all about. So this week, I'm on the stage. Hi, good evening everybody. Nice to be here. I'll tell you what confuses me, right? Golf sale. What's that all about? Right, and now we discuss golf sales. And now we discuss golf sales. Why do

they have people holding signs? Why is it golf sales? To direct people to the golf sale. I get that, but why are golf sales so specifically used? Why are they so hidden away? I don't know. Because it's always golf sales. They are hidden and they need...

I think it's because golf sales will pop up and then go away. Why, though? I'm not talking like the faraway tree, like the land at the top of the faraway tree. Yeah, but I understand it'll be fireworks because that's once a year. I get it then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just because I think they probably, golf sales, I don't know why specifically golf sales, probably, this is all conjecture. If you don't know,

just say I don't know. We'll take over an empty shop space that we'll just rent it for like a day. Right. Try and sell all this stock that they've got

and then piss off. But in London on Regent Street there's one like down from Hamley's the big toy shop there's always a man there holding

golf sale pointing across the road so I presume that's a permanent shop. But they never look permanent do they because there's always big cardboard signs

outside them. I don't know I've never seen the actual shop. Have you never seen the shop? No. I think it's porn

or like porn yeah or gambling. I think it is an anagram of gambling. Golf sale and they're like all winking from

under their hoods. It's all linked isn't it? Yeah come down this. Hey do you want to come

over to this golf sale? Have sex with a child. That's what it might mean that. It might.

I don't know if it does or not. That might be what they're saying. Wink wink. Yeah wink wink from under your hood.

Yeah, so... Anyway, 24th of February. Yeah, that... Comment if you want. We'll have a laugh. You can meet us afterwards. You can meet Ed, I'll be gone. I feel like we've not had a catch-up for ages.

Do you? I feel like we've just gone headlong into these podcasts. We've not given anything away, really, about our personal lives, other than the fact that you had the end of your cock cut off. Yeah, you these podcasts. We've not given anything away really about our personal lives other than the fact that you had the end of your cock cut off. Yeah, you're right. We've not given anything away apart from an incredibly intimate and painful operation. Do you know what?

We never got to the operation last week. No, we didn't. So we should discuss that later on. Yeah. And also, I started a story last week in that bit and didn't finish it. Oh, sorry, mate. No, I don't think it was your fault. It was to do with when you first recorded

with me and Raji yeah and I didn't then explain no why you fainted because Raji had an operation on his penis

yeah not the same one I don't think no he had the economy one yeah he had a v-neck yeah he had a v-neck cut in it he had a little

primark v-neck you had the lotto of yours mate so you are better yeah he had what I believe is known as a dorsal slit yeah stupid Raji. High five.

Ah. Ah. Kills that. Really makes your palm burn, doesn't it? My boiler broke. Did she? Yeah. She broke last night.

No, she broke the other day. And I got a man out to come and fix it. Yeah. We came round and fixed it, and then it broke again. I don't think boilers are ever fixed the first time. Is that... You always hear people go oh my boiler's broken.

Oh I'm having trouble with my boiler. Yeah. The guy that directed our short film that we're showing at Emergency Broadcast.

Yeah. His boiler went and he had to stay up all night in case his house flooded. Maybe. Even though it had been fixed.

Maybe there is only one boiler and when you go to sleep a little boiler fairy comes in, takes the boiler, pops it in someone else's house who they are awake

and looking at the boiler. So when it breaks everyone's boiler breaks because it is the same boiler. And you're never going to fix the boiler, pops it in someone else's house who they're awake and looking at the boiler. So when it breaks, everyone's boiler breaks because it's the same boiler. And you're never going to fix the boiler because it travels so much. Yeah, I'm going to pull you up on this. Remember we often say that we like

the bits when I will start saying like the hoodwink thing I said earlier. We like that because I make them sound plausible. I'm trying. So even though I'm just making stuff up like the hoodwink, it sounds vaguely plausible. I was trying that. As to where that's a phrase coming from. I was trying that So even though I'm just making stuff up, like the hood with it, it sounds vaguely plausible. I was trying that. As to where that's a phrase coming from. I was trying that with the boiler fairy.

Yeah, you said the boiler, a boiler, there's only one boiler in the world that runs round at night. No, did you say, no, the boiler fairy gets it. It doesn't run round, you can't have a boiler that runs round.

The fairy carries it. Of course, of course the boiler wouldn't have legs with it. No. What an idiot I'm being. Yeah. I had another, the guy that came round there,

my house is a curse for people coming in here to fix things like we discussed with Evil Monkey that time years ago and again bloke came in

straight away oh I like your figures I'm like oh fine just will you please just do your job just fix the boiler please don't come

it's not a museum I don't want it is a bit like a museum there's no guest book I don't want comments on it. Just come in and do it. You should have a guest book. I should have a guest book,

although it'll just say Ed. Yeah, again. About 500 times. I have to move some bookcases to get to my thermostat. It's behind some bookcases and it moves quite easily on the wooden floors.

So I move them. All right. But I move them. But on the top of these bookcases there's a Kota Bukayo figure, which is a Japanese company, of Han Solo and one of Chewbacca and one of Princess Leia

and as I'm moving it I could see him looking at him and I'm moving it and I knew he wouldn't fall off pretty sturdy and he went oh mind the Ewok

and everything I had to actually bite my lip because if I'd gone to Wookie it's not an Ewok it would have been a conversation

then it would have been well what's an Ewok and then I'd have to have gone and got an Ewok and brought that and said that's an Ewok that's a Wookie Ewok it would have been well what's an Ewok and then I'd have to have gone and got an Ewok and brought that and said alright that's an Ewok that's a Wookiee

Ewok's nice but a Wookiee's a very big and he'd go well what's the difference I'd say clearly the difference is the height there right

please fix me fucking boiler please I'm begging you and then you can have a play yeah and then you can have a little play around there's already a Welsh bloke

in the other room he'll help literally just sat there staring at a monkey pointing back at at him, it's really weird. So what have you been up to? Oh, I went and did a show yesterday in Leicester, did a couple of shows. Oh yeah, Leicester Comedy Festival, you did your first hour. Did an hour? Well, like 56 minutes.

Did you fall short? Yeah, about four minutes. But that is alright, when people say an hour, when they're doing an hour in like Edinburgh or something, they usually do between 50 minutes and an hour. Right, well it should have been an hour though, you advertised an hour. You went on Facebook giving it, oh my first hour, when they're doing an hour in like Edinburgh or something, they usually do between 50 minutes and an hour. Right, well, it should have been an hour, though. You advertised an hour. You went on Facebook giving it, oh, my first hour, my first hour.

Well, my first hour is a different thing, isn't it? I would say to people who went to that, I'd actually put in a written complaint and say it did say it was advertised everywhere as an hour. You can have a pound back each. Don't say that. That's mental. That's a load of money.

Oh, they won't listen to this. Do you know what I think? Some of them, well, they certainly won't now if you haven't already. But some of them might have used to listen to it. You can't have a pound back each.

How did you get on with it? Was it good? Yeah, it was fun. Yeah, literally just done all my jokes that I could remember. I heard it went well and I heard it sold well. Yeah, it sold alright, mate.

It was like 50 people there. That's good. It only held 50. Yeah. So you can't go wrong with that. Yeah, exactly. And you did all your jokes? Done all my jokes. I made sure everyone knew that it wasn't only out 50. Yeah. So you can't go wrong with that. Yeah, exactly. And you did all your jokes? Done all my jokes.

I made sure everyone knew that it wasn't really a show. Right. You know when you go and see a show. You did that at the beginning. Yeah. You know when you go, oh, I'll go and see a show,

like a fringe show. Yeah. You expect like, at least there'll be a story running through it or there'll be a theme or a family member will pass away at the end.

Yeah, something like that. At the very least. Yeah, at the very least, the comic will cry. Yeah. Absolute. That's all I would require at the moment from a comedy show. I'm going to say that, but my hour at the moment is quite sad in places. Yeah.

But I do puncture that sadness with some ridiculous comments. You do, it's lovely. Yeah, that's right. I basically went on at the beginning, I said, look, this is just an hour of jokes, wasn't it? That was a lie for a start of 56 minutes. Yeah. And like four minutes. That's one minute gone already. jokes wasn't that was a lie for a start of 56 minutes and like 4 minutes gone already so that was something

so 53 minutes and I'd say about 5 minutes of it was titting about so not that long I didn't do I'm really sorry everybody you've basically

let everyone down including yourself and your family so I said it's not really a show there's not a theme or a story running through it

it's showing off at this point yeah they're already there yeah and you're going ah you all came and it's gonna be rubbish haha it doesn't matter now though it's starting i've got your money haha so what i said was what i'll do if it makes you feel better i'll do all my jokes and then at the end we can just say it's been about forgiveness nice and have people taken that yeah they laughed they like that i dropped i dropped to that end throughout yeah um and at the end and i went i think we've forgiveness. Nice. And have people taken that? Yeah, they laughed, they liked that. I dropped that in throughout and at the end I went,

I think we've all learnt that you've got to forgive everyone. You have got to forgive everyone. That's a beautiful message for a show.

I think if you were to take that show to Edinburgh now, you would definitely win one of the awards. Which one? Ed Gamble,

the, um, um, Nobel Peace Prize. It's so unlikely you couldn't even make one up in time. No, the Nobel Peace Prize. It's so unlikely you couldn't even make one up in time. No, the Nobel Peace Prize. Oh, thank you, mate.

Which I believe they are giving to an Edinburgh show this year. Yeah, thanks, mate. Well, that sounds really good. Sounds like a fun... I read on our website this morning,

peacockandgamble.com, somebody on there on the forum apparently went to the show. I'd come from London to see it. Went from London to see it and then got stranded in Leicester. Yeah, I didn't realise

he had come from London to see it. That's what he said. and then got stranded in Leicester. Yeah, I didn't realise he had come from London to see it. Well, that's what he said. He said in his post, is it a predator? Yeah. That's his name on the forum. Yeah. Well, I thought it was just

a name on the forum. He turned up, I could just see this shimmery thing in the room. He turned around, turned back and half the audience had gone. Yeah, and then there was

this little triangle of laser. Yeah. Yeah, maybe he is a real predator. You'd think he'd be able to get himself home then, from Leicester. Yeah. He'd probably have a spaceship. He said, oh, there's no trains back from Leicester to London.

After 10. Yeah, I'll tell you what I would have done in that scenario. Checked in advance? I'd have definitely, in advance, I'd have gone, right, is my train there? Yeah. Right, oh, hang on, I'm not going to get back. Oh, yeah, there's my train back, that's fine. Or I would have gone

oh no train's back is Ed Gamble worth being an homeless for a night for so that's what's happened but he obviously he decided I was worth being an homeless

for a night for he's been an homeless for a night do you want to apologise to him no I think you should apologise no you haven't I'm sorry that you had to

walk the streets of Leicester for a few hours just for that show just for that well don't say it like that I'm not saying it like anything what do you mean no is it just for that show just for that well don't say it like that I'm not saying it like that what do you mean no is it just for that show

just for that stupid show no what what do you mean just for that shit show whereas if it had come to see one of my shows it wasn't shit if I had been doing a show

this is just me though yeah if I had been doing a show in Leicester yeah and I found out somebody was there yeah

who would have to live in I didn't know that I didn't know that no but I would ask them I always ask at the beginning at the beginning of my shows i go all right everyone how are you um as can everyone get home all right and then i'll go yeah i'll go oh and i'll go what is it and they go i've not checked the chains i'll say all right and i'll get my iphone out and i'll check trains for him

and if there isn't one i'll say right well when this show finishes yeah this is all filling for time i'll get your own yeah i'll get'll get your own, don't worry about that. But now that I've heard that you might be an homeless in Leicester, I'm just going to keep doing the show until the trains are running again. That's what I would have done personally. There'd have been no... Yeah, you and Ken Dodd. There'd have been no coming in at 56 minutes.

I'd have done a proper long show with a joke in it. Mine had a joke in it. What was the joke? All of the jokes, all the way through. I reckon I had one every ten seconds. That's good going, though. Yeah was the joke? All of the jokes, all the way through. I reckon I had one every ten seconds. That's good going, though. Yeah, it's not bad.

I didn't count it like that. At the end, right, I went, I'm not doing this show in Edinburgh. Obviously, everyone went, oh, what? Fucking hell, no way.

Come on, mate. Do it in Edinburgh, for God's sake. They all went, what do you mean you're not doing it in Edinburgh? It seems really ready. Why are you not doing it

in Edinburgh? There are trains back from there. I said, I won't be doing this show in Edinburgh, but I will be doing a show in Edinburgh with another comic, Ray Peacock. And some people cheered. Yeah. And I went, come on. Gutted, weren't you?

Don't cheer him. I poured my heart out for 56 minutes. While I was at home, on my own, playing Dead Space quite happily. Dead Space 2. And they were like, hey! Like, I said, they weren't concentrating for 56 minutes. They were just drifting off.

And I said Ray Peacock and they went, What is he coming on? Yeah, imagine that if I'd have walked on then. Like, from... I could have just walked on at the end and just done one good joke. Or I could have at least done four minutes.

And helped you out. done four minutes and helped you out. Yes, it's time for everyone's favourite section. Our new running section. Weekly section. I'll just pop my hand down my trousers.

Hang on a second. There we go. Just nicely rub my foreskin between my forefinger and thumb. Come on, mate. As we do our regular section, Ed as a tip off

which of course we started last week we told you half a story of Ed going in an hospital and having his penis touched touched

I bet they had to touch it they probably did have to touch it imagine if when they were doing the operation which we'll get to

in a moment will it be too much for people to hear or will it be alright I don't know anything about the operation I mean when we now discuss the rest of what happened i don't know what if just they can turn it off yeah it's not horrible though is it no it's not i won't i won't say any horrible bit no so you'd be all out with us yeah well i'm i'm imagining in the

operation yeah of them like seeing you lay there yeah and laughing no pointing and laughing no mate i reckon it was pulled through a bit of paper. No, it was, yeah, they wouldn't do that. They'd have covered your entire body with paper and cut an hole in, a glory hole in it.

Yeah. Pop your little penis through. But it was really little. Oh, it would have been, yeah, of course it would have been. You were asleep, don't worry about it. And I'm sure they've not

said anything since. They have. She started a Facebook group, the woman who'd done it. Oh, I'm gutted, mate. I picture her doing it very like, ugh. Yeah, like that. I'm not touching that. With her picture her doing it very like, ugh. Yeah, like that.

I'm not touching that. With her nose out like that. Yeah, with pincers. Yeah. And I'm going, right, well, how come I'm doing this operation?

And then when she cut it off, she held it out and she went, nurse, bin, bin. Yeah, bin. Put it in the bin. Put it in the bin.

I imagine that you had a wet dream at the same time as well. I definitely did. And you got a little bonk on and they're going, oh, look at what he's doing, the dirty boy. I couldn't get a bonk on.

Yeah, you could in this one. Oh, right. Could you not get a bonk on in real life? Afterwards. No, but you could get a bonk on before. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. Yeah.

I thought you meant you couldn't get it because it was that time. Oh, no, no, no. I just thought you meant after the actual operation. I thought you were saying that it was that time. I never had a bonk on. You put a bonk on and if you ever did, it just went inside your body. You had a bonk on inside your body that eventually poked your bum out. Well, I hope that wasn't the case.

No, it wasn't. I'll tell you now, that wasn't the case, mate. So we got up to you being in hospital on the night before, having a drip put into your arm. Yeah, right in my arm. As well. So then you went to bed. Yep, right in my arm. As well. So then you went to bed. Well, they woke me up every hour

to test my blood sugar. For a joke. For a joke. They go, wake up, wake up, the emergency! Oh, wake up, the hospital is on fire! Don't worry, I was woken up to an emergency going on as well.

Were you? What was that? Them going like, get the crash cart. For you? No, but that's what, it's horrible. It feels like it might have been for you. You wake up and you go, oh, fuck. Oh, I stopped breathing. Yeah, but there were a lot of old gentlemen. It feels like it might have been for you. You wake up and you go, oh, fuck.

I stopped breathing. Yeah, but there were a lot of old gentlemen on all the wards. Yeah, you tell me that. I was in bed next to, the NHS is really going down the path, you have to share the bed. Who did they put you in for? Leslie. No, in the bed next to me, there was a man called Leslie, he was 94. He was saying, he was asking for his dad and they were sort of going don't listen to him

or whatever but what if his dad was alive exactly he might be Chinese off a mountain he was more sprightly than me

he was in and out of bed dragging his catheter behind him right okay let's not talk about that let's talk about Fialo what you could have done was you could have gone

alright Leslie it's me your dad alright it's your dad where do you keep your money in the house where do you keep your money where do you keep your money in the home house. Where do you keep your money? Where do you keep your money in the home?

So your operation? Yeah, woke me up nice and early, hello Ed. Good morning. Good morning. When's my operation? Oh,

you're first on the list. Should be quite soon. Right. I was like, oh no. Go for a toilet, have a last look at it. Did you?

How was that? Fine. Because I was asking you, like the week preceding it. You wanted to look at it, didn't you? Constantly. Yeah. Constantly, just because I knew it. Yeah, it got pretty weird. That was my last chance. Yeah. And you never like the week preceding it. You wanted to look at it, didn't you? Constantly. Yeah.

Constantly. Just because I knew it. Yeah, it got pretty weird. That was my last chance. Yeah. And you never showed it to me. No. Before and after.

With the lights as well. So now I have nothing to compare it to. You've not, no. But you won't, trust me, you won't see it now. So you won't ever need to worry about it. I might see it though. When? What if we go camping or something?

When are we going to go camping? What if me and you go scout camp? What if we go, what if we join the same gym? What if we both start playing for the same rugby team? That are we going to go camping? What if me and you go scout camp? What if we join the same gym? What if we both start playing for the same rugby team? That is not going to happen. Well, what if we do and then I will see each other's penises

all the time? What do you think? If I play for a rugby team... I think it's massive in my head. Is that what you're going to ask me? No. What do I think it looks like? No.

I see it as very meaty like a big, big Bockwurst. That's what I see in my head. Oh, I like the Bockwurst. Yeah, they do, Yodaversed. That's what I see in my head. Oh, I like the bock-versed. Yeah, they do, Yoda. Cool. Okay, so,

and last getting up, how did that feel? Fine. Not bothered? No, not bothered. Glad to see

the back of it, really. Yeah, it would be lovely to see the back of it. I'd be glad to see any of mine. Gentleman came

up and went, come on, pop yourself on this bed. At this point, I had a gown on with the back open. Stupid, stupid thing.

Yeah, really embarrassing. Just makes you feel really degrading. It's spoken about so many times by so many people, but because it is an idiotic, stupid thing. Yeah, yeah. I got on the man's wheelie bed. Brilliant fun. Sounded like I was in a race car,

if I wasn't terrified. Right, yeah. Did you speak with him? Yeah, I had a quick chat with him, but he was sort of behind me pushing me. What did you say? How come you were

a good actor all that time and now you're just doing fishing programmes? It's Robson Green isn't it? Don't he do the trolley?

He did it in Casualty for a long time. No, he doesn't do the trolley there. It was a different bloke, Defos. So I went in for

the lady for Give Me Dejection. I was nervous about that bit. I don't like the idea of losing time but then when it had happened it was quite cool.jection. I was nervous about that bit. About, I don't like the idea of losing time. But then, when it had happened, it was quite cool. I thought, I was thinking about this before, right? I thought, this is all horrible, isn't it?

So I thought, let's plan a nice joke. So I had a joke ready for when I woke up. Put it in my head, kept saying it to myself over and over again. As I fell asleep I could feel myself going off. Then, it's amazing, next thing you know you're waking up. And so it was still in my head. Yeah. I rolled over a little bit and there was a nurse there. I saw the nurse and I went, excuse me, are my cataracts sorted

out? The face on her was brilliant. She nearly shot herself. Oh really? Did she go for it? Yeah, yeah, totally. Wow. Totally, it was amazing. She's like, oh fuck, you could just see lawsuit across her head. I would have thought they'd be used to that. The thing is, what, people doing jokes immediately after they woke up? I think I would as well. The thing is, because I just, I had tramadol, so I was fucked, basically.

What's that? It's like the thing that put me to sleep. That's the drug. So I woke up like that, done my joke, and then just fell asleep again. Passed out again.

Yeah, so I sort of went, oh, did my cataract sort it out? And she looked terrified and I just sort of fell asleep without telling her. Wow. Did you see that nurse again? It could have been about five hours where they I just sort of fell asleep without telling her. Wow. Did you see that nurse again?

It could have been about five hours where they were just running around going, right, right, have a look through that bin. Yeah, because I never explained a joke and no one ever

mentioned it to me again. So they probably went, let's just send him home and say he tripped over on the way. I think maybe she panicked and just ran out. Yeah, ran away.

Yeah, just into the day. Like the nurse who, at my school, the nurse used to do the medicals and things. Yeah. There was a lad at my school called Phil who, when you hold your balls and make your cough, he'd made a little latex sack and put two marbles in it

so that when she grabbed his balls, they'd come off in her hand. And she screamed, ran out of the school, never seen again. Wow school, never seen again. Literally never seen again. That's brilliant. And I know that because I spoke to my old headmaster

not that long ago and he told me she never came back and no one could ever contact her. Wow. I mean, good joke though, isn't it? Yeah, brilliant joke. Amazing.

I don't know where that film is now. It ruined someone's life. I imagine it's at NASA. Because it's a genius somewhere. And then your recuperation time. When I just went, they sort of just went, don't get an erection.

But that's not how erections work. It's not how erections work, is it? They just happen. In fact, often, if I'm told not to get one... You will get one. That's exactly when I get one. But that's you. You're stubborn, aren't you? Schools. Yeah.

Well, no, this is what I was thinking. If I could control my erections, I wouldn't have spent half of school walking around with a ring binder covering my crotch. Exactly. Oh, coming out of French again pop that over there do you know I better control it now though as an adult

yeah better now but it got to the point where because it was everything was a bit swollen and that yeah brilliant yeah this is what

people kept saying when I told people after going oh it's swollen brilliant but what they're not taking into account is it was horrible looking like Michael

Winner's neck brilliant but useless yeah Brilliant but useless. Yeah, brilliant but useless. Absolutely useless. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really didn't feel in the mood to use it. The only way I could stop myself getting an erection was to look at my own erection.

Have you... A bit personal this question, because it was about two or three weeks ago, wasn't it, that you had... Nearly four weeks. Okay, four weeks. Four weeks tomorrow. Happy anniversary.

Thanks, mate. Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day,'s Day you know Fred how long until you were allowed to use it was it from the operation

yourself or any well I was told 46 weeks for sexual activity how long before you could masturbate I've had a wank

Ed what you dirty boy I had to why why did you have to I was getting really bored

and I wanted to try it out because it's different now yeah but were you worried though yeah I was really worried it was different and I tell you did you have to? I was getting really bored. And I wanted to try it out because it's different now. Yeah, but were you worried though? Yeah, I was really worried that it's different. And I'll tell you, I was a bit annoyed. I was getting really good at wanking. Were you?

Yeah. I was almost the king of wanking. Okay, and now you're about to change it. And now I was changing it. It's like them going, someone like Lance Armstrong, and going, oh, well done on all your cycling. You've got really good at that. But next year, you have to use a unicycle.

Yeah, stabilizers on it. Oh, okay. So you had to your how you do it yeah and is it better or worse or completely the same it's different all right it's not better or worse it feels different because i had i had an argument with a mate of mine who was circumcised yeah and i remember him getting all arty with me once um but he said to me there's nothing you can do with yours that i can't do with mine yeah which i took as a challenge right because it's probably true but i was like and i thought about it for ages and ages and then eventually i worked it out what something yeah i was in the shower and i worked it out right do you remember foam burst gel imperial leather right yeah it was a shower gel and you put a little bit in your hand it's fine but then you rub it and it foams and it

spans everywhere right it's for lazy people that can't be asked using soap and it makes washing fun it does that's how i believe it using soap. And it makes washing fun. It does, so I believe. Well, I worked it out, right? I was in the shower and what I did was put my foreskin

over the end of the nozzle of the foam brush gel, right? Put the foreskin over the nozzle and then, and I can't emphasise

this enough, a little bit, right? Don't be mental. Squirt a little bit in there, take the foam brush gel away,

hold your foreskin tightly shut, right? You're finished with the foam brush gel now. Yeah, that's finished shut. Yeah. Right? You're finished with the foam bath gel now. Yeah, put that away. Yeah, that's finished. Then, you rub it.

Rub the end of it. Right. And it foams and expands, right? And then you've got to put elastic band around the end of it. So, you've got like a big like melon knob. And you put elastic band around the end of your foreskin, right? Now, the day I came up with the idea, I didn't have bands and then i thought oh postman they often leave them about the place don't they so i went out into the hall it's still with your melon you're pinching your melon still pinching

my melon went out and a lot around just the front of the house yeah i actually did genuinely find a red elastic band yeah tied that around the end of it tied the elastic band around the end of it and then then you become hands free which you've got to be in this day and age haven't you hands free you do yeah

bluetooth so I put the thing round the end of my knob and then you've got to have a partner for this just wander into a

room with it and say is that normal but I never told my mate about it I came up with the thing and never actually told him

about it so essentially that story hasn't got an end. Bit like you now. Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidewitzen. The Peacock and and gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by chortle.co.uk see you next week