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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. I'm Ray Peacock, hello.
Hello, I'm Ed Gamble.
And this week's podcast is very exciting actually. We are coming live from a hospital.
Ooh.
Just like on BBC One, first thing in the morning when you do them shows, you know, with poorly children on it.
Sometimes it's pets.
And we're here today because Ed is poorly, aren't you, Ed?
I am, actually, yeah.
You are here in your hospital bed.
I mean, that is poorly in real life.
Yeah.
The hospital thing is pretend, but don't worry,
just play along with it for a bit.
But Ed is poorly in real life.
So, you are there in your hospital bed.
Yeah, got my drip in.
Your drip in?
Yeah, no, dripping.
Dripping?
Yeah, I'm dripping bread in here.
Oh, right. That's good, it should keep your spirits up yeah yeah also because i had you with
a bit of nourishment yeah and lestral so you're not well at all are you not ed no i've got a cough
well bear that in mind then for everybody if you're listening to the podcast now you might
want to do it with your hand over your mouth yeah because he's proper contagious i mean i'm bothered
about doing this at the moment because we're out of my house Yeah
I mean where we record this
Is relatively confined
And I just don't want
Any germs thank you
No
So how are we going to avoid that
I could not talk
For the whole thing
If we get an ultraviolet light
Will that attract the germs
Like it does with
Flies in the chippy
Yeah
I think so
And you'll hear all the germs
Go
Yeah
Can we sort that out then
Where would we get
How would you make
An ultraviolet light
I think it is
you just get a normal bulb
don't you
and paint it
yeah paint it purple
paint it purple
alright
hey that would be good as well
because that means as well
that we can put like
we can draw bones
on our arms
yeah
in like yellow paint
and then we can just
dance around in the dark
and pretend we're skellingtons
yeah that would be brilliant mate
oh should we do that
and do all body popping
mate I can do body popping I can do the caterpillar can you yeah go on what do, should we do that? And do all body popping. Mate, I can do body popping.
I'll do the caterpillar.
Can you?
Yeah, go on, go on.
What do you do?
I do slug.
All right, well, you do the slug,
I will do the caterpillar,
and then we'll do that instead of the podcast.
The slug is the one where you just lie there
and then do nothing to music,
and then someone pours all salt on you,
and you just go,
Saaah!
You've done the slug since I've known you.
I'm worried about you being ill.
Why?
You've been proper ill, haven't you?
Yeah, I've had a bad cough.
We actually had to cancel our recording.
It was originally scheduled for Monday and Tuesday.
Yeah.
And now it's Wednesday.
Yeah.
Because you were poorly.
Yeah.
Now the thing is, is you told me the other week your auntie was coming to stay with you.
Yeah.
And you said you were worried about it because she just got back from Mexico.
Yeah, she came straight from the airport from Mexico and stayed at our house.
Which is where swine flu originated from.
Yeah, but it's alright in Mexico now, isn't it?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I've been...
Tell you the truth, mate.
I've been oinking.
But you look a tip.
Oh.
I mean, you look...
You know, I mean, often, if you don't know what hair looks like, to describe it, you
are a dishevelled man at the best of times.
Why?
Often with your belly hanging out from under your T-shirt.
That's not true.
And you wear clothes that would be better suited
to a 50-year-old American.
That's not right.
That is more, that's what you get with Ed, really.
Often he will just come in wearing child sunglasses.
Sorry, child sunglasses?
Well, you do it, well, I'm not saying you don't pull it off,
I'm just saying that's what you're like.
You dress like,
right, a fat
tramp has decided
to remake The
Matrix.
You wear all
dark stuff, right,
even when it's
sunny, with all
Matrix sunglasses,
right?
Plodding around
with your trousers
falling down,
with your boobs
wobbling about
like two big
Matrix udders.
Matrix sunglasses?
Yeah.
Like black
wraparound.
Do you like that
I'm not contesting
the Matrix bodders? Yeah, the Matrix udders is fine. I've no issue with that? Yeah. Like black wrappers. Do you like that I'm not contesting the Matrix brothers?
Yeah, the Matrix brothers is fine.
I've got no issue with that.
Yeah.
What sort of sunglasses?
Yeah, you look like you're in the Matrix.
I don't look like I'm in the Matrix.
Yeah, you do.
You do like Matrix sunglasses,
like Keanu Reeves, but on a big fat face.
I'll have you know that I have got effortless cool.
Yeah, you do.
I just look cool without even trying, mate.
Not like you, wearing...
You'd probably go Camden every Sunday, you'd get all your clothes and sort out so
you can show off to all the other children. Sure, you have effortless cool, but you don't
walk effortlessly. Not at the moment, I know, because I'm an old man now. But in my youth,
when I was your age, mate, I tell you what, I had a mangin off me. But the thing is, right,
you very rarely look scruffy. Oh, thanks, mate. Yeah, but today you do.
Right.
Right, and I've noticed, first of all, I've noticed you've got a big scratch on your face.
Yeah, I do, yeah.
Right, now you look like you've had a fight in the street.
Does it look good?
It doesn't look good.
It looks, you look like a ruffian.
Do I look hard, though?
No.
Oh.
You look like a scrubber.
Right.
Why have you got a big scratch across your face?
I think there was something sharp in my bed.
I do.
Sometimes I will just wake up with scratches.
I think it might be to do with, you know on some quilt covers, right?
Yeah.
There's like little popper buttons.
Right.
I think at some point during the night I must have manoeuvred the quilt round so the popper
buttons were facing my face.
Okay.
One of them's come undone and scratched my face.
See, what I would say to you is that pretty much everybody with a quilt yeah it's pretty much everybody yeah has popper buttons on it right but very rarely do i walk
down the street of a morning and see hundreds of people wandering about with big scratches
do you know what i mean i mean just saying you know how they've got popper buttons yeah doesn't
actually excuse it because because that's like saying oh you know how shoes have got laces
i think what i've done is i've maneuverred them round and scratched on my face with them.
Do you see what I mean?
Yeah, no, I do see what you mean.
That's fine.
But maybe a little animal's got in in the night.
Again, I think it's something you should look into.
Right, okay.
I don't think it's something you should just dismiss when you get up and look at your face in the morning.
Okay, I've got one on my leg as well somewhere.
I mean, this isn't a pimple we're talking about.
No.
This is a...
It's a big scratch, isn't it?
It's a big scratch across your face.
It's like I've had a fight. I mean, I will take a photo of it and we'll put it on the Facebook page in case youple we're talking about. No. This is a... It's a big scratch, isn't it? It is a big scratch across your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is like I've had a fight.
I mean, I will take a photo of it and we'll put it on the Facebook page in case you think
we're just lying about it.
It is really there for real life.
And also, you said you've hurt your finger.
I burnt my finger.
Oh, that's horrible.
Yeah.
How did you do that?
I put it on the bottom of a pan.
Yeah, that'll do.
To test if it is hot or not.
Right.
Yeah, that'll do that.
No, but it was weird though, right?
Because it was a hob that I spent an hour trying to work out how to use it, right?
And it was a fancy touch one.
Not that...
Oh, touch, you see how hot it is.
Not one of the old force ones.
Yeah.
Where you just think really hard on it and it comes on.
No, it wasn't like...
It was a knob that you have to touch to turn it on, was it?
Yeah, well, you're like this.
It wasn't like knobs or anything, right?
There you go.
I get you with that one. Yeah, I like it. It wasn't like knobs or anything, right? There you go. I get you with that one.
Yeah, I like it.
It was like a touchscreen one.
Right.
So I worked out how to turn the temperature up,
but what I didn't realise was that you had to put the pan on the hob to properly turn it on.
Yeah, that's a safety feature, isn't it?
Well, it wasn't that bloody safe.
Well, no, that's so that if there's kids knocking about or anything,
and it's a touch thing, you can't just touch it,
and it comes on without anybody realising it's on.
Yeah.
So it can only come on if there's a pan on top of it.
Yeah, but I found a loophole. What? You put the pan on it, and then you touch the pan. Yeah, but don't touch... Why would you touch the pan when it comes on without anybody realising it's on. Yeah. So it can only come on if there's a pan on top of it. Yeah, but I found a loophole.
What?
You put the pan on it and then you touch the pan.
Yeah, but don't touch...
Why would you touch the pan when it's on the hot hob?
To make sure it's on hot.
Because I didn't realise it would be hot that quickly.
Well, put the food in and if it doesn't cook, it's not hot.
Yeah, but it was pasta, so I wanted to see if I could put the boiling water straight
in and it would keep boiling.
Oh, I know.
I mean, I can't believe that you're even arguing this.
You're going to argue back.
So the more sensible thing is to just put your finger on it.
Well, I've since
found out that no
that is not the best
option
yeah do you know
and by the way
if anyone's listening
and you want to
check if a knife
is sharp or not
just bang it in your
eye
just shove a knife
right in your eye
mate
and then basically
if it bounces off
it's not sharp
but if it goes
through
if it slices right
through your eye
then it is sharp
enough and you
can carry on
cooking your chop
we've not discussed It slices right through your eye, then it is sharp enough and you can carry on cooking your chop.
We've not discussed our telly project that we're working on recently.
No, we haven't.
So we should give you a bit of an update of where we're at with the telly thing.
And I thought the best way of doing that was,
first of all, I'll explain to you how we work.
What we do when we're writing our scripts,
the episodes as they are, are all planned out already.
Now, basically, in the thing we're writing, there are two plots.
There's a main plot and a subplot.
How we write is, I'm writing one story arc, Ed's writing the other story arc.
Basically, there are characters affiliated to Ed to write, and there are characters affiliated to me to write.
So what we do is, we write our scenes separately out of different houses.
And then we email them over to each other, have a little look at them.
And maybe correct little bits and bobs.
Maybe say, yeah, that is funny, right?
Now, I know what you're thinking now.
That sounds very grown up.
Yeah.
That sounds pretty,
you know, you two are,
it's like you've matured.
Yeah.
It's like you are writing properly.
Well, we are well grown up,
aren't we?
I've got a whiteboard.
Yeah.
With all the series planned out
on it and that.
And we're doing really well.
And we feel like we are
proper television writers now.
Yeah.
I'm just giving you a little,
what we're going to do now
is I'll give you a little sneak,
remember, all grown up,
I'll give you a little sneak preview of, all grown up, I'll give you
a little sneak preview
of a scene
that Ed sent me
the other night.
Right,
this is the scene
that he sent me,
which incidentally,
we had a meeting
with a producer
the next day,
a proper producer,
right,
a real live television producer.
Yeah.
So not much time
to correct it
and this is the scene
that Ed sent to me.
Right,
it is well good this one.
I'm just going to give
a little,
just a little read through of it.
We can't really tell you where this scene comes and why it's there.
Basically, what I'll tell you is, it's a girl called Rosalie, who is a journalist.
Yeah.
And she has just got home from something that she's pleased with herself about.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay?
I'll just read what Ed wrote, an extract from it.
Yeah.
So she's already got back to her flat.
Rosalie flicks her eyes to heaven and the message fades from earshot as she walks into her bedroom.
As she does this...
It's good. It's good so far.
A silhouette briefly appears at the window.
Oh!
I've cut that out, actually.
She goes through to her bathroom and turns on her shower, which fills the flat with the noise of gushing water.
She returns to her bedroom and begins to undress.
You can probably well see her busters on it.
And not even subtle-like.
You can also definitely see her fall downstairs as well, thanks.
She will probably go right
up to the mirror as well and have a right good
look at herself. And lick her own
tit.
It's important we really nail the reality
of what women do when they are alone and having
to wash. So she should probably stick a
Dido CD on, pour some red wine,
light some incense and have a big bit of chocolate
and then have a wank and park a car all wonky.
Right?
Come on, that is great though.
No, it is great and it made me laugh a lot.
Yeah.
But what if, as sometimes is the case, I'd have just gone, oh, I'd see it, I'll be fine.
I'll just whack that into the script and we'll give it to the producer.
Your fault.
Your fault.
Well, it's not my fault.
Always, always come from the position that I've done it wrong.
Yeah, but I'm not the script editor.
And that goes for anybody doing anything that I'm not... Always come from the position that I've done it wrong. Yeah, but I'm not a smith, are you? And that goes for anybody doing anything that I'm involved in.
Always check what I do, because either I've fucked it up or made a joke.
Right.
I mean, it's good, but I'm not sure we should...
That is what girls do, though.
Well, I don't know, but I'm not sure we should...
Look, if you're a listener and you're a girl, right?
Can you confirm that?
Can you confirm that when you do have a wash, beforehand you do look in the mirror and lick your own tit?
Yeah, and if you are a girl, right, and a listener of this, right, and just, don't even just confirm it, because we might not believe you.
Can you do a film of it?
And maybe take a few photos of it.
Take some photos of it.
Just so we can see what you are like when you're in your bathroom on your own.
Yeah, next time you go to the bathroom, just take some pictures.
That sounds wrong, doesn't it?
Yeah.
I mean, for a shower.
Yeah.
I don't want any poo pictures.
No, thank you.
So that's,
in case anyone was wondering
where we're up to
with our television project,
that's the level
we're working at.
That's becoming soon
to a screen near you.
Keep your eye on
some of the minor
digital channels.
They're probably
on very late at night.
When I burnt my finger... Yeah, there we go
Yeah
Yeah, I put some
Vicks on it or something
I told my dad
Because it was his hob
I said, I've burnt my finger
On your pan
I told him what happened
And he went
You've not burnt the pan, have you?
I went, no dad
Just my finger
And he went
Yeah, but the thing is
Is that'll heal
Do you ever think
your dad doesn't love you um i think sometimes he does love his pants more than he loves my fingers
i hope you appreciate listener what we're going through in order to bring this podcast to you
i mean because today he's on death's door yeah knock knock hello i'm risking it by being here with him yeah i mean normally when i prepare to
do the podcast i like go grab a coffee or i'll have something to eat or whatever make sure i've
got some water on the table and stuff set up all the computer very very rarely in fact it's never
happened before where i prepared for the podcast by having some first defense i've been shoving it
up my nose all the time just to make sure that I don't get poorly as well because I'm going on holiday in a minute. No. Well I am. You can't say
that because that's wrong with the timeline of how we've released them. But that's the
point. That's what I want to get to. Right. Because this is the other thing we put ourselves
through to bring this to you. This is ages ago. When you're listening to this, this is
ages ago. We record these so far ahead. I mean, we've heard most of the series before you've heard the second episode.
Yeah.
And the thing, the reason for it is, because we're both busy anyway,
so at the moment we are four weeks ahead.
Yeah.
Hey, do you hear?
What?
Barack Obama is president.
Yeah, we're not that far back though, Ed.
Oh, yeah.
Really?
No, but I'm just saying if we do drop the odd topical reference,
it will be from ages ago.
Well, for example, we talked about Jay Goody last week.
Yeah.
When we recorded that,
she'd not been dead that long.
No.
I mean, to you,
it probably was like,
well, that's a bit,
I mean, it was ages ago that,
but it wasn't.
She'll probably come back
to life now
when they're listening to this.
The big rock's been rolled back.
Don't think we should
be comparing her to Jesus.
I do.
Let's just stick with
Princess Diana.
All right, okay.
She was like Princess Diana
in that they both got a lot of money for doing fuck all.
But that's where the confusion arises.
For us, it's quite difficult to do these
because that's where the confusion arises.
We often record two back to back as well.
Yeah, sometimes you'll be recording one
and I'll be doing the answers for the next one.
Yeah, that is often what happens.
I mean, often we do it like with our writing
is we'll just record it separately at our own houses
and then hope it fits together.
Sometimes I'll refer to something that Ed hasn't even said
or Ed will say something that just won't make any sense.
I don't even eat toast normally.
But the other reason I want to tell you this, listener,
is because I imagine we've probably been sent stuff.
Yeah, I'd hope so.
To our management and that.
But we can't reference it on the podcast because we don't know yet yeah and also the facebook page as well i mean i would
hope people will be leaving messages on it yeah if you have the reason we're not sort of reading
them out and stuff is because we've not got them yet please do keep writing stuff though do keep
doing stuff because we are going to catch up um i think our first as live podcast will be beginning
of september right okay hey i tell you what probably right when they're listening to this Chuck, I think our first As Live podcast will be beginning of September. Right, okay.
Hey, I tell you what, probably, right, when they're listening to this,
and they're saying, write stuff on the Facebook page,
internet probably doesn't even exist anymore.
It's just thoughts now, isn't it?
It's pretty just thoughts, isn't it?
You just think it.
You're just thoughts, and then you sneeze, right,
and that will be, like, all, like, numbers,
and that is the internet, and then you put it in a tissue
and read what comes out of your nose.
Yeah, so, I mean, I'm not having a closed mind to these things.
I don't think we're going to connect with people.
I'm not sure the development of the internet is going to be,
in the future you'll just sneeze and numbers will come out
and you read them and that is the internet.
I mean, I think that would perhaps be a step back for the internet, wouldn't it?
Do you think? Right.
I'm not sure sneezing numbers is the future.
I mean, if anything, that makes it more difficult to understand? Right. I'm not sure sneezing numbers is the future. I mean if anything that makes it more difficult
to understand. Right I quite like that idea
but I think but basically what I'm saying
is because people are listening to this so far in the future
that we're not going to be able to connect
with them talking about things like you know the old
crotchety internet and phones
and all this loser shit that
they probably don't have in the future. Okay.
Because they're like bleep bleep what
are they talking about bleep bleep. What's that? That's how people speak like robots in the future. Okay. Because they're like, bleep bleep, what are they talking about?
Bleep bleep.
What's that?
That's how people speak,
like robots in the future.
They're like,
bleep bleep,
what are the Peacock and Gamble talking about?
So that's how they speak.
Does everyone have a voice box in the future? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because voices get banned by the emperor of the world.
Okay.
So basically, I think next week,
I'm going to bring in a story or something like that. Right. Just about the world. So basically, I think next week, I'm going to bring in a story or something like that,
just about the future.
Your vision of the future.
My vision of the future, but their present,
and then we can connect with them on a more sort of basic level.
Right, so for next week, you're going to write
essentially a short story about your vision of the future.
Yeah, which I hope is right.
Well, I mean, I'm not sure that it would be,
given what you've suggested so far.
Right.
But the emperor of the world has banned talking
and the internet comes out your nose.
I'm not sure.
I mean, I'm not ruling it out.
Yeah, well, touch wood or lasers,
as they're called in the future.
Touch lasers, I am right.
I mean, it's good this.
We're getting a little sneak preview
of what your story's going to...
So in the future,
the internet's replaced
by sneezing
yeah
talking is replaced
with voice boxes
yeah
and wood's replaced
with lasers
yeah that's right
basically
this is the single
stupidest section
we have ever recorded
we have ever committed
to an mp3
well we'll do more
predictions and stories
what an absolute waste
of our time
and the listeners.
He's ill, I'm sorry.
I'm woozy.
Right, it's time for everyone's favourite section, I reckon.
The deliberate mistake section bit.
Do you think it's their favourite section?
Yeah, I do.
I think people are going wild for it.
I think by now in time, we're going to have a spin-off of it.
I think as a section, it's more like just taking care of loose ends.
It's admin, isn't it?
Yeah, it's more public notices than a section.
Yeah, but people love a bit of admin.
And I like your mum.
I remember we were talking about your mum texting you about the deliberate mistakes section.
She called it Del Miss.
I think we should just call it that.
It's kind of a cool, funky way of describing it.
Del Miss.
Yeah, alright guys guys Del Miss now
and anyone who listens to it
will get it straight away
I mean you're getting
again
is this part of your
future plan
well yeah
everything is abbreviated
it's not in numbers now
it's abbreviations
oh that's for speaking
Del Miss
Del Miss
yeah
yeah okay
well maybe that'll stick
maybe it won't
yeah
I mean if you do say that again
I will cut it out
right okay so but I mean thanks if you do say that again, I will cut it out.
Right, okay.
So, but I mean, thanks for your contribution with Del Miss.
Okay.
But I know that you can force these trendy sayings, can you?
Right.
Well, anyway, deliberate mistake time.
Del Miss.
Shush now.
Now, also, there's an apology in here as well.
And a legal announcement.
This is actually, this is, I know we've fucked about with legal announcements before.
This is actually a real one. It's a genuine legal announcement. And this is actually, this is, I know we've fucked about with legal announcements before. This is actually a real one. It's a genuine legal announcement. Last week, this wasn't the deliberate mistake, by the way, because it wasn't deliberate. Last week, I
said that I did a gig with Chesney Orcs and with Bad Manners and Brotherhood of Man. And
I said that, but that's true. Most of that is true. But I said Brotherhood of Man, there was a smell coming from their dressing room.
I sort of implied it was drugs.
It smelled like pot.
Now here's the thing.
It was about seven or eight years ago.
It wasn't Brotherhood of Man.
This is actually really important.
It wasn't Brotherhood of Man.
I offer an unreserved apology to Brotherhood of Man.
It was Boney M.
I don't know where I got
Brotherhood of Man from.
Because they were the ones
who did Save All Your Kisses to Me.
Ages ago.
Yeah, I mean,
I'm not saying that they have
or haven't taken drugs,
Brotherhood of Man.
I don't know.
I'm none the wiser
on this other situation.
I'm not saying Boney M have.
I'm just saying that
when I did the gig with Boney M,
there was a smell coming from their dressing room.
And you're allowed to say that,
but you can't say there was a smell coming from Brotherhood of Man's dressing room.
No, as far as I know, they weren't even in the country.
As far as I know, they certainly weren't in the immediate vicinity anyway.
So I would apologise to Brotherhood of Man.
It was a genuine mistake.
And I'm very sorry for that.
But Boney M potted a lot of them. it was a genuine mistake and I'm very sorry for that. But yeah,
but Boniem
potted a lot of them.
Allegedly.
Would be the conclusion
I would draw
based on the facts
I was presented with.
That doesn't mean
saying my conclusion is correct.
So anyway,
last week's deliberate mistake.
Do you know where it was, Ed?
I'm not sure I do.
Well, how could it be deliberate then?
Alright, I do then.
Alright, what was it?
I do.
It was when we were talking
about Japan and China.
This is right. It's correct, yeah. I'm literally picking one of the many mistakes it? I do. It was when we were talking about Japan and China. This is right.
It's correct, yeah.
I'm literally picking one of the many mistakes we made.
Okay.
That's the other thing with the deliberate mistake section is,
because every week, I would imagine,
people on Facebook are saying,
oh, it's this, it's this and this.
Yeah.
And it's because we do make genuine mistakes.
Oh, yeah, all the time.
So it's only the deliberate one that we will actually draw attention to
and that will actually win the prize.
Yeah.
What it was, was last week, talked about Japan and China and pretended didn't know the difference on it.
And you stated in that that Japan and China are neighbours.
Well, you said do they have a border or not and I wasn't sure, so I just said yes.
You said yes, well that was incorrect.
And is it incorrect that?
No, it's totally incorrect, yeah. I knew at the time.
Right.
Japan and China don't border each other at all.
In fact, Japan is actually an island.
Well, it's not an island.
It's a collection of islands.
Is it?
Yeah, it's got 3,000 islands.
Whoa!
That's what comprises Japan.
There's a special name for it.
I can't remember what it's called.
Is there like the party island?
I don't know how...
Do they have like the Japanese Ibiza?
Yeah, if you like.
So that was a mistake.
So well done all the people that got that.
I don't think anyone got it.
Well, we don't know, but let's see.
I'm guessing no one got it.
So bad luck because there was a really good prize for that.
If anybody did get it, if they fluked it,
then your prize is, right, jewellery.
Then you win really expensive jewellery.
How expensive?
A ring. But I mean the most expensive ring in the shop. Big sparkly one. then you win really expensive jewellery how expensive a ring
but I mean
the most expensive
ring in the shop
big sparkly one
yeah how you get it
is you go to
jewellers shop
on the ice rink
any one of the ones
we've cleared this
with all of them
go in there
and pick a ring
that you like the look of
as much money as you can
then try it on
in the shop
and then here's
how you get it
for free right you basically once you? Yeah. Then try it on in the shop and then here's how you get it for free.
Right?
You basically,
once you've tried it on,
keep it on
and run out of the shop.
Yeah.
And the code word is,
so they know that you've won the competition
and they know to just let you go,
no, no,
I want to look at it in sunlight.
Just shout that out
and run out of the shop
and you get a free ring.
Yeah, well, so well done to those people.
Yeah, and if anybody gets that for a wedding with you, then invite me in and we will come
and be page boys.
Yeah.
Yeah, and we will hold a cushion and pull on the back of the woman's dress.
Do you know what?
I've been to loads of weddings, right?
Yeah.
I've never, you know when the page boys are pulling the dresses?
I've never seen them stop one.
I've never seen him stop one.
I mean the best thing that came out at the time that I was paid for, I was only like eight or nine or something, I might have even been younger than that, was that I got a free waistcoat. Oh wicked.
I could play Han Solo for ages after that.
I saw that waistcoat double dutch. Even at the wedding I was excited about getting the wedding out of the way.
So that I then had
a little black waistcoat
which is what
Anselo wears in Star Wars
brilliant
and I was literally
I remember at the reception
taking my dickie bow off
opening my white shirt
up a bit
in my head
I was Anselo for the day
that's good isn't it
right time for the
complaint letter section
I'll get it out then.
Yeah, well, it was my turn.
I'll get my letter out then, already.
Where we write letters to companies.
I write them.
I write them mainly.
Yeah, no, I write them as well.
It's my turn this week, actually.
To try and get free stuff, don't we?
And it's my turn this week because we've been alternating.
I've done one.
Well, you shouldn't have done.
No, well, that's the way it works.
Well, actually, I'm going to let you do one, okay? Because okay because you need the practice yeah i would argue i don't so much need the
practice anymore because i am now getting it i'm not sure you are getting i'm understanding how to
how to do it now i've written one as well do you want to do yours first yep definitely right then
i'll just cut your one out right okay now we had words during the week now i'd written that already
before we had those words we said about toning down and fraser's illness yeah and you know not not mentioning it
so much yeah i think it just it drags down the mood somewhat yeah i mean i've tried to keep it
underlying within them within the letter right as best as i can rather than being the point of the
letter okay as long as it's not too explicit that's fine i wouldn't say it's explicit as such
it's bad taste what we've been doing.
Yeah.
Well, what you've been doing, let's say.
Well, say we, because it is our podcast, isn't it?
All right, it's bad taste what we've been doing in your letters.
Yeah, because we write them together, don't we, my letters?
So here's my letter for this week, to try and get some free stuff from a company by complaining to them.
Okay, and you've curbed down the bad taste.
I've curbed down the bad taste, and I now get it. Okay. And I'm doing it right. And it's also something that me and you both them. Okay, and you've curbed down the bad taste. I've curbed down the bad taste and I now get it.
Okay.
And I'm doing it right.
And it's also something that me and you both like.
Okay.
Which is that a lot of my letters are
the stuff that we like
that we try and get free.
And I think this one will work.
Okay.
Dear Beef Jerky,
Good.
I will admit that my son's Fraser's teeth
have been weakened by his chemotherapy.
Right.
But I really don't expect
chewing your product to make his hair fall out as well.
Oh, God.
I'm not buying any more, but would still like to get some more just to check it, see address
above.
Thanks, Mrs Fraser.
Right.
That is all right.
At what point have you been subtle about the disease?
Well, I'm not.
I'm implying that the beef jerky is causing him his problems.
Right.
Then get some free.
Do you think they'll send it?
Get some free because I want to check it.
I'm not sure they'll...
I'm not sure they'll send you any of their product on the sort of scientifically unfounded claim that chewing it makes your hair fall out.
And you have mentioned chemotherapy in there.
I did mention...
That is incredibly bad taste.
Can you really have chemotherapy for cancer?
Yeah, that's why people love it.
No, but you can't have it for, like, other things as well.
Like what?
I don't know. Ingrown toner. I don't but you can have it for other things as well. Like what? I don't know. Ingrown toenail.
I don't think you
can have chemotherapy
for an ingrown toenail.
I think that might
be sort of killing
an ant with a pile
of bricks.
Is that the phrase?
I don't know.
So, alright,
well, I mean,
the thing is though,
we can't now cure
Fraser.
Why not?
Because he's terminal.
We said that.
We can do what we want.
He's an invented character.
Alright, well,
I'll bear that in mind
next week. Right, well, good. I'll give me a woman. That's the end of that do what we want, he's an invented character. Alright, well I'll bear that in mind next week.
Right, well, good.
I'll give me a woman.
That's the end of that section now.
No, it's my letter now.
I feel like you undermine me.
No, I just want you to do your very best.
I'm not going to compliment you when it's not deserved.
I don't know what was wrong with that.
Right, it's because you mentioned the illness.
We've been through it.
I didn't mention the illness, I mentioned the cure.
I would have thought that would be a good thing.
Now, are you going to enjoy my letter?
I'll try.
Be a nice boy and listen to my letter.
I am.
I just don't feel like you're supporting me.
That's the problem.
I am supporting you, man.
I'm trying to work.
I'm trying to learn it, like I've been doing for weeks now.
Just trying to learn it.
And I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.
Yeah, but...
What sort of personal tutor are you?
But I'm trying to be harsh to make you do better.
And once you've got it, I will give you the biggest clap ever.
Yeah, but just saying that's rubbish, that's not constructive.
No, I've told you, please don't mention the disease in it,
because that's not going to get anyone to send you free stuff.
You can't say that the products...
Mate, guys, saying the disease is one of the best ways of getting free stuff,
Disney World's crammed full of them.
Right, okay.
Or going straight to the front of the queue.
Right, we're not going through this.
People react to that and they like it.
Right.
I don't mean they like the disease,
I mean, but they do help you out if you've got one.
Right, so I'm going to read my letter now.
All right, well do it then, hurry up.
Dear New York Bagels,
brackets, or New York Boagles,
That is good.
as you will have it.
Hey, what you doing?
Get me a coffee.
New York, wriggly worms.
Apologies for that.
I thought that if you thought that I was a real New Yorkist,
you would listen to my complaint more readily.
Yeah, you heard me.
A complaint.
My family and I have been fans of your bagels for many years,
ever since we saw one in a shop.
Even grandma family likes them.
They didn't have them in the war, and she always remembers how excited everyone was when they were first brought over in big boxes.
This is by the by. On with my complaint.
As a family, we purchased a six-pack of your onion bagels.
None of us like the onion bits, but picking them out gives our friendless son Fraser something to do. Much to our shock-
On his sick bed. No. Much to our shock, one of the bagels didn't
have an hole in it. We only found this out, however, when something much worse had happened.
It is a tradition that when we get the bagels home, Fraser will grab two from the pack and
look through the holes as if he is wearing dough glasses.
Or sometimes he will just use one,
like a magnifying glass,
as if he is investigating a crime in a bakery.
On this occasion, however,
his right eye was covered by the faulty bagel hole,
and he lost all depth perception,
tripping over his dad's foot and cracking his head.
And now, we come to the problem with the product.
By the way, I got mixed up with bananas earlier.
Fraser has become very...
What bit?
When the grandma was talking about how he felt.
Oh, I get it now.
You alright?
Fraser has become very upset that the bagel in question, without its hull, cannot breathe.
I was at first confused by this logic, but have since found out that his father has convinced him that a bagel is a type of whale.
I've tried to convince him of the truth, but once Fraser believes something, you cannot tell him otherwise.
The same happened when his friend Pinhead told him that if he didn't wipe his arse for three days, it would start
to clean itself.
I enclosed the bagel and would be grateful if you
could perform some kind of surgery on it.
Otherwise, a fresh bag with a note
saying that the breathless bagel is in there
would be wonderful to set Fraser's mind
at rest, as he doesn't need
this with his illness.
Thanks Miss Fraser.
I'm a stickler for continuity.
I know because he's ill.
So he's ill but I just mentioned it with his illness.
I didn't put he's having chemotherapy
and he's on the fags.
I've put he's just...
I've just put that he's ill.
So a nice subtle thing.
And the way I've done it with his illness
they go oh he's ill. You better send something I know and the way I've done it like with his illness they go
oh he's ill
you better send something
rather than going
you haven't made his air
fall out
and he's smoking
and he's nearly dead
yeah but alright
well you're saying
that's all I do in my ones
is talk about his being ill
all you do in your ones
is talk about
a little boy who thinks
that food is alive
that's all it is
every week from you
all the rice calls
are making an army
all the marshmallows being picked on by all the other ones all he thinks that a bag it is every week from you but the rice girls are making an army oh the marshmallow
is being picked
on by all the
other ones
oh he thinks
that a bagel
is real person
and breathing
and thinks
it's a whale
the peacock
and gamble
podcast
was devised
and performed
by ray peacock
and ed gamble
all music by the tiger lilies except podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble.
All music by the Tiger Lilies, except the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidebottom.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a big and dark production, hosted by Chortle.co.uk.
If you spotted a deliberate mistake in this week's show, tell us on our Facebook page, and you might win a prize.
See you next week. Hey, we've had an email
from one of our regular listeners.
This is from Alice.
And here's the email
coming through.
37642 594657 Bless you. Alice. And it is the email coming through. Right. 3-7-6-4-2-5-9-4-6-5-7.
Bless you.
Yeah, so bless you on both levels.
Bless you for sneezing that out and bless you for the compliment.