The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 60

Episode Date: March 22, 2020

"Episode 60" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 61 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. You know, they can say what they want about you and me, Ed Gamble. Can they, Ray Peacock? Yes, but they can't say we're not grafters. Yeah, we are grafters. Yeah, welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. And we are recording this right in the middle of rehearsal. We have stopped rehearsing to do another project, this one.

So how about that? We are at the open coal face. Yeah, we are like miners. It's like we are miners and we are chipping away at coal all day, all day. Hanging onto a bit of a cliff, chipping away at coal with our legs dangling. Yet we have stopped halfway through to record a podcast. Yeah, we've stopped recording a podcast from dangling off a cold with our legs dangling. Yet we have stopped halfway through to record a podcast. Yeah, we've stopped to record a podcast from dangling off the cliff with our legs hanging down.

And I don't care what you say, it might sound like it is a collection of deleted scenes. Right? It might sound like that, but it's not. It's not. We are recording it all today. We're just in a bit of a collage-y mood. Yeah, exactly.

In our heads. So if you think this sounds like, oh, hang on a minute, they've just used all the old shit that they were going to use in other ones. No, no. It's not that. We are grafters, exactly. 60. Yeah, hello, welcome to it. Yeah, and in episode 60, we are going to be doing all new stuff. Yeah. All new stuff, aren't we? What's happening in the news to prove it? In the news, there is a war. Is that true or not? I don't know, I don't know. Oh. But even by the time this comes out, the news will have changed, won't it? Oh, yeah. The war's finished. The war's finished. Congratulations, give everyone a medal. Even the baddies. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Let's all play along. So we are, in truth, we are going to just use some old deleted scenes. Yeah. In this one, because we're very busy. But it's good, though.

It's good shit. Oh, it's good. It's all good shit, mate. Yeah. But we're in the middle of rehearsal still. I know that the emergency broadcast was ages ago. Yeah. Although there is another one coming up.

So please don't think that we're going to stop going on about the emergency broadcast. We're not. Because there's another one. Three more. 24th of March. So come on the 24th going on about the emergency broadcast. We're not. Because there's another one. We've got three more. 24th of March. So come on the 24th of March if you like. Yeah, please. Kingsplace.co.uk.

That's where you can get tickets for. And the first one, I think you will agree, was brilliant. Yeah. That was amazing. The way we learnt it. We definitely learnt it, didn't we? The way we definitely learnt it by the time the show came on. We've been stupid busy as well.

I've been up Liverpool. I've been up Liverpool. I've been up Bristol. Have you? How was that? Yeah, fine. Yeah, nice gigs. Yeah. There for the weekend, weren't you?

Yeah. I was up Liverpool for the weekend. Yeah. Fucking idiots. I don't mean Liverpool. I mean like the people that were there. Yeah. Some were from Liverpool.

Some weren't from Liverpool. Yeah. The most threatening one I got. You know that I sometimes say on stage, that's the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me. Yeah. This is all new, by the way, we haven't just cut in a deleted scene. This is a deleted scene now, this is the new bit. But we won't be saying that in the middle of

all the other new bits. No, don't worry about that. We're going to stop saying it in the new new bits. But this is a new new new new bit. You know that I often say on stage oh that's the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me. And I say it like a tick, I can't help myself saying that if something weird happens in the room. And audiences like that because they go, oh, maybe it is.

Yeah, yeah. But genuinely, on Saturday night. Yeah. And it wasn't really funny. Right. It was just really, really sinister. Right. What happened, right, this guy in the audience, he said his name was George Rainey.

Right. That's what he said his name was, by the way. That's not me making up a name. Right. So if you can find him, by all means do. Right. George Rainey is what he said his name was. With his wife, who I think was called Janet. Janet Rainey. Right. So if you can find him, by all means do. Right. George Rainey is what he says his name was. He was with his wife, who I think was called Janet.

Janet Rainey. Right. And he was an American gentleman. What sort of American? Well, he had a weird voice, sort of a mix between Scouse and American. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It transpired that he said he was born in Florida, grew up in California, and then moved to Hyten.

Right. In Liverpool, right? Then asked his name, and he said, George Rainey. I went, oh, come on, what's your name? You just thought of what the weather was And just said it quick Yeah I said give me some ID

And he passed forward a card That was from the American government That said George Ray And the American Air Force Yeah And then he passed me another card Which is another Air Force thing Yeah

And then another card And then he passed me In total six cards Right He just kept passing them forward Yeah Right kept passing them forward Right

Yeah And I had them all in my hand And I'm like this is ridiculous I've got so many cars. And then he suddenly stood up and went, give them back. Right, this is the beginning of the show by the way. Yeah, yeah. Give them back.

I went, what, what? His wife stood up, give them him back. And I went, I didn't pick your pocket. You gave me these things, right? And then he went, and this, listen to this. You have three seconds to comply that I'm taking them off you one right and the audience

went deathly quiet they were really scared and then I just went I can't I can't give them your back because I need to know what happens at three

I've got to know the audience laughing at that no not at all not in any way it was silent and then one woman at the front went, please give him back, I'm really scared. Oh, God.

Right. So I give him him back. He sat down, utter silence, and I went, right, should we have our first act done? You brought the first act done? I had to. I'd done like 25 minutes. I had to, and I was really apologetic,

and I brought him on. And it was still like touch and go. It would have been awful comparing, but if I'd have stayed on longer, that would have made it even worse. And then I won it back, but God, it was horrible. During the first act, George Rainey just stood up in the middle of the room, stayed stood up for about two minutes. Security went over and they went, what are you doing? And he went, I'm waiting for my wife. And then his wife stood up and they both walked out, never to be seen again.

That's mental. I know. How terrified is that? He might have had a gun or a plane. I think he was probably just mental, mate. He had all the cards. Yeah, but mental people can have cards. Yeah, I suppose he might have made on the motorway on the way. Yeah. At the services. Do you know anything nice happened at your gigs?

No, everyone laughed. I wish my gigs would just go like that for a bit. I'd just go on and have a talk with everyone. Maybe then I will get a venue for Edinburgh. Welcome to the show! Hoes, they're hoes Hoes, they're hoes I said that each of them Hoes You're doing hoe activities With hoe tendencies

Hoes are your friends And hoes are your enemies With hoe energy Do what you do Blue what you blue Screw what you screw You're a professional like DJ Clue Pulling out my coattail

Why do you think you take a hoe to a hotel? Hotel everybody Even the mayor Reach up in the sky for the hoes on land Come on player Once a hoe always And hoes never close their open neck hallways And here's a hoe cake for you the whole hoe crew

And everybody wants them Cause hoes gotta eat too Hoes Use the hoes Use the hoes I said that use the hoes Jimmy Hoes Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!

Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!

Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!

Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! and give me the boy and put crackers in their bum and hop over it on the bike. Jumped it and hopped over it. He hopped it. Bunny hopes are different things. Alright, sorry mate. The Peacock and Gamble Podcast. I've been meaning to ask you for ages. What? Are you any relation to Neve Gamble

from the Scream films? Now, right. It's Neve Campbell. Well, are you related to her? I'm not. No. Different surname. I've been wondering.

How long have you been wondering that? About 14 years. Since the first Scream film came out. No, I'm not. It's a different surname. I remember when the name came up on the screen. I thought, I must ask Ed. Yeah.

Who I've not met yet. I must ask him if they're related. It's different surnames, you see. Neve Gamble. Neve Campbell. You're Ed Gam Ed. Yeah. Who I've not met yet. I must ask him if they're related. It's different surnames, you see. Niamh Gamble. Niamh Campbell. Niamh Red Gamble. Yeah. We had a hire car this week, and we took it back today.

Yeah. And realised it was a bit missing. Because we took out, it was quite a big car, we took out the... The wheel at the front. Yeah, the wheel. That wheel that makes it turn. We took that off. No, we took out...

What would you call it? I don't even know what it's called. Like the boot shelf. Yeah. Like, but it was... The shelf. Yeah, the shelf. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It wasn't really a shelf, was it? Yeah. But anyway, you get the idea. Yeah, it was a shelf. Yeah, it's sort of like a shelf, but it's not really a shelf. But those things in the back of them, we took that out so we could get more bags in.

Yeah. And then we took it back to the hire firm today. Yeah. And I completely forgot. Yeah. And just, we remembered when we got there, and I went, I was like, oh, we've not put that fucking thing back in the boot.

And then, because normally I would go, oh, I've got to drive home and get it. And I just thought, oh, fuck it. Yeah, just leave it. Fuck it. Let's just go in now. And if they say, then we'll go, oh, shit, yeah. Yeah.

So we went back, and the girl come out, and she's all going then we'll go, oh, shit, yeah. Yeah. So we went back. Girl come out. She's all going over, filled up her petrol. Yeah, yeah. She was like, oh, was that scratch already there? Yeah, it was, and it was. And then she got around the boot, and we're going, oh, fuck. Not a word, not a word.

Went past, it's like, come on, get in. So basically, if anyone wants to, if anyone needs a boot shelf, right? Yeah, mate, here's an idea. Don't give the boot shelf away. Right. anyone needs a boot shelf, right? Yeah, mate, here's an idea. Don't give the boot shelf away. Right. Right, what we do, right? Yeah. We get a hire car every week, right?

Yeah. And we've already got a boot shelf. We take one bit from each car. Brilliant. And then by the time, like in a year, we can build a whole new car, and that is for free. In a year, we'd do that, wouldn't we?

Yeah. So you're saying that in a car, there are 52... There are just 52 bits. Yeah, well, if'd do that one, wouldn't we? Yeah. So you're saying that in a car, there are 52... There are just 52 bits. Yeah, well, if we take big bits, like, but if we take a bit from each car...

And how are we going to drive a car back with no bonnet on it? Well, that's fine. Or were there no windows when you got it? We just say that there weren't any windows

when you got it, and it was obviously because they're see-through, they thought they were there. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah. So we can get the windows easily.

People often get me stuck. Yeah. For there being nothing there when it's a window. That can happen, that, doesn't it? So I think we could... Same as just glass generally. And it is a free car, that. It's not really a free car, because we'll be spending money on a hire.

Well, how much is a hire for a week? I mean, all added up. Yeah. Probably better off just saving up for our new car. Because don't forget, what you're not factoring in is labour costs. We'd do it. Yeah, putting it together, storage. Where are we going to put half a car?

Well, the thing is, if we're building the car, we can move your sofa out, build the car in here, and then we'll have a car in the living room. Right, that is true. But at the moment, I'm annoyed that that boot shelf is in my house. I'm not pleased that I've nicked it. I don't need it. It's not going to fit in my car, is it? No, I suppose not. What use is that? That's what I'm my house. Right. I'm not pleased that I've nicked it. I don't need it. It's no use. It's not going to fit in my car, is it? No, I suppose not.

What use is that? That's what I'm saying to the business. Yeah, but imagine it added on to the rest of the car that we're going to build. I think it's a bit like a cape. What, the boot shelf? Yeah, because it pulls out, doesn't it? Yeah. There's a cloth thing on it that pulls out.

Make a cape out of it. I might make a cape out of it. All right, do it. Yeah, jobs are good. They'll probably ring up on Monday, won't they? Yeah. And do you think I want a Tuskegee as well? I'm not related to Alistair Campbell

right I cannae believe this is the 49th podcast what are you doing? Scottish why? I cannae believe that why are you doing Scottish? I just think

I've not done any acting work for ages so I think I should just show some of my talents right alright so you can doing Scottish? I just think I've not done any acting work for ages, so I think I should just show some of my talent. So you can do Scottish. Imagine I'm a casting director for a big Hollywood film. Oh, they wouldn't want Scottish in that. Hello there, you're right. What? I'm a casting director for a big film. What?

I'm from, my name's Paddy Debussy. Right. Alright, how you doing? Sorry, that's just me horn going off in my body. Hey, well covered, mate. Cheers, mate. That was good because there was a horn, somebody beat an horn outside. No, it's just the one in Paddy Debussy's body. I like the way you covered

the extraneous noise on the podcast. Oh, that's your liver just driving off. Right. Hello. welcome to the casting director suite okay don't worry about that noise that's just my trainers just ticking over I'm helping now as well excuse me I've bought

a pet bird with me in my head right so you've come here you want to show some of your skills we're casting for many programs right now. Many programmes. Many programmes, so we do need to see what you can do in terms of skills, accents, whatever you've got going on. Alright?

What are you now? What are you being now? I'm Irish. Are you sure? No, don't fucking insult me, son. No, there's a little bit of Cheryl Cole popping in there. Don't say that, Simon. I don't even know what that means. Right, okay, Paddy Debussy, Paddy Debussy, Pad. Beth allwch chi ei wneud i ni, Ray?

Dwi ddim yn gwybod beth ydych chi'n ei wneud. Dwi ddim yn gwybod fy mod yn dod yma. Mae rhywfaint o'ch ymarfer, nid yw hynny'n amgylch. Mae hyn yn gyflwyniad cyffredin i mi. Ychydig munud yn ôl i mi fy mhen, roeddwn i ar ffwrdd. Efallai y byddwch chi'n gallu gweithredu ar y gwaith. Ie, gallaf wneud hynny. Ie, gallaf wneud hynny, heb can do that. Alright. I can do that, no problems.

Have you got any cowboy ones coming up? We do. I'll do the hoof. We've got a new cartoon called Nosy and the Mosey. And Manfred being the blacksmith in it. The blacksmith? Yeah, that'd be me. Okay, what voice would yield for the blacksmith?

Can he believe this horse? Right, we've heard you Scottish. No, that was country and western. Country and western, right. I cannae... I cannae believe this horse. Okay, that's really good. That's a tick next to American. Put me on the maybes for that one.

All right, maybe for American. Right. So what else can you do for us? Now, we've got a part coming up for a very old... Sorry, I'm sorry. My knee just slammed. So please don't think that that was a door outside slamming. That was my knee slamming then.

Right, no, that's fine. So it is. Right, so now we've got a new part coming up for a very old, very old Chinese cleaning lady. Right. Can you do that for us? What's the film? What's she going to be in? No, she's the main part.

Oh, right. It's sort of a live action Chinese version of Hong Kong Phoey. Hong Kong Phoey? Hong Kong Phoey. Hong Kong Phoey. Hong Kong Phoey. Don't Phoey. Hong Kong Phoey. Hong Kong Phoey. Don't take the piss. I would break you. You do get

threatening every now and again, don't you? I do. Right, so I'm the Chinese. Old,

Chinese. Now, bear in mind she's very old and very Chinese. Right, again. So I've got to do that

in my acting? In your acting, yes. Can I have a line to say? Alright, yes. Okay, here we go. We've got to do that in my acting? In your acting, yes. Can I have a line to say? Alright, yes. Okay, here we go. We've got... Oh, sorry.

Sorry, my balls were just starting up. Yeah, I would have just rubbed my wrist for a minute. Yeah, go on. Right. Oh, bloody hell. Who's left... Who's left all this rubbish in defiling cabinet?

Right. Or, and I want a crab sandwich. Why crab? Oh, right, because it's a crab. Right, okay. It's a Chinese lady. Yeah, very Chinese. And she's old.

Yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah, very Chinese. And she's old. Yeah. Who's left all this rubbish in the filing cabinet? I don't want to clap somebody at all. Right. No, I think you really nailed that part. I can't even believe that they've left me there.

You'll definitely be in the running for Sue May. What other parts would you like me to try out for? Okay, there's one I think you'd be perfect for. It's basically in a film about a dog that's been turned into a man. So what you've got to do is you can speak the English but you've got to embody all the qualities

of a dog who's just been turned into a man. And the man lives in a dustbin because he was a dog and he's got no way of working out how to get together the money for a flat. But that's what he has to try and do. But he lives in a dustbin. And he can have any accent you want,

whatever you think a dog might have. Say, actually, I tell you what, he's a schnauzer. So a German accent would be perfect here. Okay, so a dog that's turned into a man that's German and lives in a dustbin. Here we go with that one. Don't worry about the revving. Right.

It's because you're nervous, I know. I'm going to just leave that ticking over. All. It's because you're nervous, I know. I'm going to just leave that ticking over. Alright, I know you're nervous. Yeah, I'll leave. I'm going to park,

what I'm going to do, I'm going to, it's almost like someone's parked right close to an house. I'll just leave in the car, just ticking over really loud.

Yeah, no, I know, I know you're nervous, so I understand that your engine is going to be loud. Yeah,

right. German, German. A German dog turned into a man. Turned into a man, right. Right, German. It says German. A German dog turned into a man. Turned into a man. Right. It's not quite sure

what's going on a lot of the time. I can't believe that I've been turned into a man. I can't believe that. You've definitely fucking got that.

Right. Thank you. Anyway, nice meeting you. Paddy Debussy. Barry. Oh, Ray. Yeah.

Hello. Hello. So apparently they are releasing the Star Wars on Blu-ray. Yeah, they're coming out next year. The Star Wars are coming out next year. 2011. I have heard that they are not the updated, oh no,

they are the updated versions, not the original cuts of the Star Wars. Right, that normally happens, yeah. Yeah, so I think

it is a different actor at the end of one of them than normal. Oh right, okay, so Anakin, yeah, Sebastian Shaw

was replaced by Anakin Skywalker, replaced by Hayden Christensen. In the Star Wars, that's right. That was in Return of the Jedi, that was. In the Jedi. Yeah.

I like the Star Wars. was in Return of the Jedi that was in the Jedi yeah I like the Star Wars I enjoy the the space elements right okay yeah and also the strip lights yep the strip lights the lightsabers

the lightsabers are you trying to make friends with me are you trying to pardon are you trying to get in with me about have a discussion about Star Wars but I love the Star Wars

I know you like it as well, so we can talk about it if you'd like. Yeah, who's your best character off the Star Wars? Who? Vader. Vader? Yeah. Vader?

Vader. What's his full name? I don't know. I call him Vader. All right, okay. Why do you like that? I'm your dad. Right.

That one. That bit, yeah. I'm your dad. Yeah, I'm your dad. And then... Chop your hand off. Chop your hand off, I'm your dad. Chop your hand one. I'm your dad. Yeah, I'm your dad. And then Chop Your Hand Off. Chop your hand off, I'm your dad. Chop your hand off, Craig.

Craig? Craig Skywalker. Craig Skywalker, yeah, is he your best one? Yeah. No, no, Vader is. Vader's your best one, but you like Craig Skywalker? I like Craig Skywalker as well in the Star Wars. Yeah, what other bits of the Star Wars do you like?

Slimer. Yeah. Yeah, he's good, isn't he? Slimer is good. Yeah. What did he do? He goes, oh, get out of my woods, wrong way around. Oh, Yoda. Oh, no. Yoda, isn't he? Slimer is good. Yeah. What did he do? He goes, Oh, get on my words the wrong way around.

Oh, Yoda. Oh, no. Yoda, not Slimer. Not Slimer. All right, so Slimer is good. Slimer, of course, was in the first Star Wars Ghostbusters.

Oh, the Ghostbusters. Yeah. I like the Ghostbusters. You do? What's your best one out of the Ghostbusters? I think it is the Blues Brothers.

The Blues Brothers, yeah. Yeah. Just admit that you haven't seen any of these films. What? You've seen the adverts for them. Yeah. Because your mum won't let you go to pictures.

Just admit it. You can't go to pictures on your own and your mum doesn't want to see the films. So all she does, every time a new film comes out, your mum tapes it on VHS on the adverts and tells you that's the full film. Right.

Is that not the full film? That's not the full film. They have a thing called a cinema, which is a big building, right, where they have a big screen and they show a lot. It's the full film. Right. Is that not the full film? That's not the full film. They have a thing called a cinema, which is a big building, right, where they have a big screen and they show a lot. It's over an hour. A lot of films are over an hour. The Odeon Sweet Shop? Yeah, but behind that. Behind it? Yeah, there's a cinema. What the fuck?

Yeah, there's a big screen. It's your mum just, it's because your dad left. Right. And she's having to save money. She gets child support. She only gets £7 a week. She has to save money. She can't take it in her pictures, Ed. Right. So she's having to save money. She gets child support. She only gets £7 a week. She has to save money. She can't take it in a picture, Zed. Right. So she's trying her hardest.

Well, I've written a pitch for a film. Have you? Yeah. Didn't we drop that section? No. What's your film pitch? Harry Potter 7. You've written a pitch for Harry Potter 7?

Yeah. I'm just getting bored waiting for it to come out. Now, I've not... I think I've seen the first Harry Potter. I'm just letting the listener know you're scrolling on Harry Potters. I'm just letting the listener know you're scrolling on your phone now. I'm just getting the film pitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I've been sort of sending it to film people. How's it going? Well, I heard that Harry Potter 7's being made. What? That's all right, isn't it? You're doing well there. Oh, yeah, no, I'm not sure. Yeah, this is it.

I think it's being made. All right. I don't really know a lot about Harry Potter. I mean, strictly speaking, I don't think we're even allowed to say Harry Potter. Right, Harry Potter, Harry Potter. I mean, strictly speaking, I don't think we're even allowed to say Harry Potter. Right, Harry Potter, Harry Potter. Yeah, I know, but I don't think we're allowed to do that. Alright, J.K. Rowling.

Harry Potter. Harry Potter, I believe. Right. Harry Potter is the tale of a geeky young lad who can't get to girls at his high school in Britain, England. All he does all day is laments his life with his only two friends, the chubby loser Wallace and pet salmon Wolverine, who he keeps in his locker,

which is filled with water. Using some of his knowledge, he is picked up from one of his beloved science experiments. But this is all about to change. In Harry Potter 7, Harry is about to find out that the key to his popularity has wheels. What the fuck are you talking about?

Harry invents what will become to be known as a skateboard, a sort of massive roller skate. The kids in the school go crazy for this new craze and lose their mind when they see Harry do a flip. Even Wolverine gets in on the action. When Harry builds him his own little skateboard for underwater. Soon all the girls in the school are chasing Harry, but troubled times lie ahead. His invention has picked up some unwanted attention from the business corporation,

headed by the evil Mr Business, who wants the skateboard all to himself and his big corporation, which is based in a big glass office in a city. He sends his minions and henchmen after Harry, who will have to skate and flip for his life if he wants to escape the evil grasp of the gang, led by Richard Blackwood. He can't do it, he's playing donkey in the track.

Kids and adults alike are bound to be skated away by this emotional and fun-filled coming-of-age tale. It's the sequel that everyone's been waiting for, starring Ray Peacock as Harry Potter, Rick Waller as Wallace, Justin Timberlake as Mr Business, Richard Blackwood as King Henchman,

Ed Gamble as the voice of Wolverine the Salmon, and Daniel Radcliffe from Equus as the headmaster of the school. That'd be lovely as well, wouldn't it? I mean, that as a fun pitch is lovely. Yeah. Why have you felt the need to call it Harry Potter 7?

Because I just thought it's popular Harry Potter, isn't it? Yeah, but I think that'd be a new franchise on its own. Do you think? I don't know why

you're trying to skim off Rowling and that. No, well, I just think maybe if we'd had a base of fans then it might work. I think that

won't get made now because you've called it Harry Potter 7. Right. So they go, this has got nothing to do with Harry Potter. Right. And they put it in the bin.

They won't even read it. No, the main guy's called Harry Potter. You can't really do that, though. Why? It just happens to be called Harry Potter. I know, but it's traded under someone's name, isn't it? It's traded under another thing. It doesn't exist, Harry Potter.

What? You can't trade under a name that doesn't exist. It does exist, though. It's a trademark. It doesn't, mate. It's made up. Idiot. It's a trademark name. It's made up. It's a trademark name. It's It's made up Idiot It's a trademark It's made up

It's a trademark name It's made up Oh yeah It's Barry Armus Oh that's real What was that That's a spell From Harry Potter

See I mean You're really You're leaving us open To so many legal Right Challenges here By just essentially repeating Right

First off you're passing off Harry Potter as your own idea And using the name Harry Potter Then you're using actual words from the books and that. Yeah, Muggle. Yeah, there's another one there.

Am I an E-Granger? Yeah. Yeah. We'll get sued. Gandalf. She does sue Ben Gandalf as well. Yeah.

Gandalf the Headmaster. Yeah. She does sue people joking around or there might be Warner Brothers you assume but the people

involved in Harry Potter they do sue people. Sorry. Do you want to take it all back? Yeah, sorry. I've changed the name of the film now. What's it now called?

Lord of the Rings. Did you ever, ever hear a fool That raises From you Didn't really say The one thing That You would really Make that for me

Or drink Tell you what, mate I'm genuinely working proper hard at the moment Yeah I'm doing gigs Got this cast in for next week I've got to learn lines for that Yeah, well I'm going to out-view it now, aren't I? Yeah, cheers, mate

I'm doing the keynote The presentation for the Yeah Broadcast, which is a big screen thing Yeah That'll be going on at the same time as the show. I've also been learning Pixelmator, which is a graphics

programme to make some of the graphics for it. Really hard. Not user-friendly at all. Doing the pilot thing that we filmed, I've been working on that and putting that together and just knackered, mate. You look really nice, though. You don't look tired. Cheers, mate. I am tired. I've been doing exercises. You don't look tired.

You look really nice. Oh cheers mate. I've been doing exercises on a treadmill until it blew up. Yeah you made a treadmill blow up didn't you? Yeah that's. I'll tell you what. That is a depressing part of someone's life. It really is.

It's like. It's the sort of thing you normally see in like the Beano. In the Bass Street Kids. Where like Fatty just stood on it. And it's all broke. Just sparks everywhere. But that happened for real wasn't it? Yeah. faulty like it wasn't because i'm fat was it faulty it felt like it no it is changing it today yeah but it was expensive as well when they book they're changing it today when that man comes around and picks up i'm hiding and sees you no it's not they

go the treadmill has broken mate me and you are going in the other room when they come and deliver it i think i think you you should put on some really tight, like, lycra jogging stuff and be really puffed out when you're rising. Treadmill broke. It broke. It broke. And have a big cream bun in one hand. Well, anyway, the point of the change, it was a faulty one, but it felt horrible.

It set my house on fire. Sparks went everywhere. Oh, but the nice bit about that was when I said it on Twitter everyone made a nice joke about it did they everyone was going oh feel the burn

fuck off my fucking house is on fire that's good feel the burn there must be some more there shut up it was terrifying no keep going

because I'm thinking and I got electric shock off it as well it was horrible you got electric shock that's another angle I could take shocking

absolutely shocking that is that's a good one but anyway the point is listen jog on some fire yeah that's another angle I could take. Oh, shocking. Shocking. Oh, absolutely shocking, that is. That's a good one. But anyway, the point is, listen. Jog on some fire. Yeah, that's good. Somebody said, oh, that'll teach you to go for a run with petrol in one hand and a blowtorch in the other. That's a run, mate.

That makes no sense at all. Not only was I pissed off about my house being on fire, I was pissed off about my house being on fire. That's making a good joke. Someone said, that'll teach you to exercise by setting fire to your pets they just want to say something i know bless them anyway point is um when i am slim i am gonna get all love i'm gonna get girls will fancy me then gonna get all love and girls all girls will fancy me because i don't i know that you've never had a girlfriend right but in my teenage years in my years, I had girls that loved me and that. Love you, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, God, what are you holding? I was reminded of this. Ray, what are you holding? Because when I did my taxi the other week, I was writing through just some files and stuff, and I found some old love letters. Oh, and you're going to exploit those now.

I'm going to exploit some of those. For cheap comedy. I also found some school reports, which is why I've talked about how much work I do. Right. Because these school reports seem to think that I didn't. These school reports seem to think that I wasn't hard working. For example, Mr Swindler's,

who I've just added on Facebook. Mr Swindler? Yeah, it's great. Who you just added on Facebook? He was my form tutor. He was brilliant. Listen to this. The general theme of Ian's...

Ian's my real name, by the way. Yeah. I know you're all getting confused. That's my real name. The general theme of Ian's... Ian's my real name, by the way. Yeah. I know you're all getting confused. Yeah. The general theme of Ian's report indicates that he cannot afford to waste any time between now and summer.

He has the ability to do well and he should now match this with a determined effort. He should look at English to see the results that solid application can bring and his final grades should then be improved.

His lively, extrovert personality may have to suffer a certain amount of self-discipline. Now, imagine if it had. Yeah. Imagine if it had yeah imagine if it i don't be doing a podcast now i won't be all famous as a comedian i'd be oh mr boring mr boring all working in office doing counting for my living don't think you would i think you'd be dead yeah i'll probably be dead by now i'll

tell you what i'll just take my grades uh maths c5 it's not very good, is it? C5? What's that? C for effort, 5 for achievement. Awful. English, A2. That's pretty good, mate. Well done. English again, A2.

That means you tried hard but weren't quite the best. His written work is often original and shows care and thought. Spoken English effort grade, A. So take that

all you radio stations that won't take us on. An A. I'm an A in speaking. So take that, all you radio stations that won't take us on. An A. I'm an A in speaking. So there. Art, B4. That's bollocks. She can fuck off with art because I was miles better than that art.

I don't know why she's slagging me off. Ian has worked much better this year. B4. But I've worked much better. But he still needs to take more care in the quality of his finished work. Why are you getting angry about this now? For the examination. Well, this is relatively recent.

It's 1989, this. That's not recent. For the examination, he must prepare his ideas more fully. That's 22 years ago. So that he can make as much use of the examination time as possible. A very pleasant student. She fancied me, yeah. Right, it's 22 years ago.

Physics, straight to the point. 44% night off revision. Biology. Oh, this enough revision. Biology. Oh, this pisses me off. C3. Ian demonstrated only too clearly in his recent examination paper that he has the ability to do well this summer. However, he is far too inconsistent at the present.

And this, I fear, is due to a rather poor attitude to hard work. What? This is Mr. Scutt said this. They could see you now. Yeah, a rather poor attitude to hard work. No, I just find your lessons boring. Yeah, Mr. Scutt said this they could see you now yeah I'd rather pour attitude to hard work no I just find your lessons boring yeah

Mr. Scutt Scutty your teacher's had really weird names Swindlehurst and Scutt Mrs. Moffat C5 geography right and I got on with her

yeah you sat on her toffer didn't you yeah Ian is an able pupil but wastes a lot of time his examination performance was mediocre

he could do much better next time but would have to work very hard from now on yeah fuck do you want to just kick me in the balls? Punch me in the face? I mean, send this

to my mum and dad. French, C4. Ian has the ability to reach a pass grade in this subject. However, he must be prepared to learn his grammar notes thoroughly and to acquire a wider vocabulary in French. Yeah, what for? Why? What for? No reason. Physical education, right? Fat lad. Yeah. A. This is more like it.

A for effort, though. No, just A. It's just A. So they haven't even written an achievement number. Ian is a keen and enthusiastic pupil who always gives his best. The most valuable member of the school rugby team. Thank you. Most valuable? What, in sort of a way?

Right. If they sold you to a human market, they'd get more than tuppence. You'd be in our border. I took art at A level. Did you? No, I'll tell you you now i threw me a levels because i wanted to go to drama school not teacher training right so why did that i got accepted at a teacher training college okay i had to get certain grades right so it's very important i don't get them grades right right is that true very important and i'm not saying to anyone who's taking their railroad, please don't do that. Well, no, no, no. What I'd say to people is apply to places that you want to go. Yeah.

I felt a bit strong-armed into it a bit, you know. So that's what it was. And then it got to a point where I was like, no, I'm going to do what I want to do. So I had to make sure I didn't get in a jail college where I'd been accepted. So I didn't. And I just didn't.

I did it quite cleverly. Typewriting. I don't even remember taking that. Typewriting? To prove it, she's typed it out, the report. All the others are written and the typewriting report is typed. That's amazing. I bet she's dead now. She was an old lady.

He will be entered for the examinations at ULCI Stage 1 and RCA, RSA Stage 1, which he's capable of passing. I did. You did a section, didn't you? I did. And also, you've got to sign this. This says, Would parents please sign and return this slip

to show the report has been received? If you were to come out on the report, please do so in the space provided. So if you could... Is your school still a school? If you could sign this for me now. Is your school still a school? Yeah, I think so.

Can we sign that and send it back? That'd be hilarious. My university isn't. That's finished. Did you run on it? You're a twat, mate. Anyway, here's a bit we're waiting for the love letters here we go now i've got here two letters of love yeah right and it's written by you no no no no oh no these are ones that girls sent to me you're hang on yeah you're gonna read out love letters that other people sent to you i was 13 when i got them too right right and she was as well i'm not sure this

is on both of them hurt me in the long run, so... So fuck them, you know. Yeah. If I can't use what happened in our relationships... Yeah. ...to then later on essentially further my career... Yeah. ...then what was the point in having the relationship?

Well, how do you think this is going to... This bit now, specifically... Kiss and tell, kiss and tell. ...is going to further your career? Kiss and tell. Do you think you're going to get picked up off this? I will get picked up off this. I will get loads of money off to sun.

And a show called Ray's Love Letters. Yeah, let's see why not. These two here, same girl. Yeah. And they're lovey ones. Lovey ones, yeah. This one here, sadly, is breakup letter. From a girl?

From a girl. Right, okay. Now you might notice on it, it has got Blu-Tack in the corners. Right. That's because I had it at my wall for ages. That's how much I loved it. Right, okay. Right, I think we should do love, love.

Love, love. Break up. Love, love, break up. And then end the podcast. Yeah, that's often what happens in it right okay right I think we should do love love love love breakup love love breakup and then end the podcast yeah that's often what happens in real life isn't it yeah love love breakup

love love breakup sometimes there isn't an happy ending no sometimes there isn't and by the way the breakup letter wasn't from the same girl

as the loved ones so I won't mention names what I will say about the girl who wrote these letters is as far as I hear she's now an alcoholic she's wasting her life and I think she had her kids took off right is that true far as I hear, she's now an alcoholic. She's wasting her life and I think she had her kids

took off. Ray, is that true? If memory serves. Right, you can't say that. Why? You can't leave that in. Why? She hurt me, mate.

She hurt me. Yeah, I got my own back in the end. Oh, I got my own back around social services. I told them. Put whiskey in her flask. Yeah, I rang them.

I said, she's drunk. Right, here you go. Here's one love letter. Ian, I will love you always and I hope you feel the same way. Oh, piss when she's drunk. Right, here you go, here's one love letter. Ian, I will love you always and I hope you feel the same way. Oh, piss when she's writing that.

And I hope you feel the same way. Listen to this, I don't know where this came from. I also hope that we'll be married on August the 14th,

1998. What? It seems awfully specific. Yeah, it does. Yeah, and luckily we weren't. But footnotes were that good. That's amazing. I love you.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please love me half as much as I love you. Right. There's another letter she sent me. Wait till you hear this. Dear Ian, how are you? I am fine. This sounds like a Mrs Fraser letter.

Doesn't it? Because I think that's where I get that joke from. The Raji joke. Yeah, how are you? I am fine. This sounds like a Mrs Fraser letter. Doesn't it? I think that's where I get that joke from. The Raji joke. Yeah, how are you? I am fine. Because there are people that are idiots who do write letters like that. How are you? I am fine.

How are you? Me? I am fine. It's normally to write in French. Anyway, what are you going to buy tomorrow? I want a tape. You're going shopping the next day, I take it. I put my knob in this.

I want a tape. Some cards for my blank tapes and a present for Gareth. I love you! Two exclamation marks. Why do you love me? Good question, Baba. In my opinion, I am ugly, too short, and last but not least, a moody bitch. Right?

I love you because... Now, wait. By the way, all these things are true, by the way. Right. I love you because... You're masculine. Sexy. Funny. I love you because you're masculine, sexy, funny, you have a good personality,

you're kind and loving, and most of all, because you're crazy enough to love me. That's arrogant. Well, then compliments, and then the main thing she likes is that I like her. Fucking bitch. So I'm just saying. Very loving, mate, very loving. I'm just saying very lovely mate very lovely I'm just saying

that I you're masculine I think I remember that why didn't you marry this girl on August 14th 1998 I have no idea

what were you doing on August 14th 1998 Christ knows but I wish there was a way of finding out I just don't she didn't go there

and wait for me maybe that's what started her off on her drinking this is so bad this is my favourite one. So I was going out with this girl. Yeah.

I liked her. Yeah. She smoked, which I didn't like, because I wasn't a smoker at that point. But she was a laugh, and she was silly, and she was sexy, and funny, and all the rest of it. And masculine. And a good personality.

Yeah. And most of all, she was crazy enough to love me. No, this girl, she was really, really sound. She was talented girl, that, but she was dead funny. I found a letter off this girl recently. The beginning of it was, thank you for your letter, which you stuffed in my fag packet. At least you didn't write it on the cigs this time.

Which I thought was a nice way of demonstrating our relationship. It was only a little casual thing, but it was a good laugh. But this is how she dumped me. Right. And when I got this letter, I thought then, I should probably have married this girl. Right. Because to be able to write that is incredible

as a parting shot but anyway this was the final letter I got off her Dear Ian Your letter that you gave me last night only emphasises to me

the great injustice I did to myself when going out with you Yes it is over and believe me I will never degrade myself again You are a filthy

lowdown uncouth gutter snipe I cannot believe it has only been four days but they've been the best four days of my life we part sincerely yours peacock and gamble podcast was devised and performed by ray peacock and ed gamble all music by the tiger lilies except for the last one which which is performed by Frank Seidlissen. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk.

See you next week. Ha ha ha ha! Oh! Oh, what a laugh we've had today. Oh, all that new stuff we've talked about. All that new stuff we've talked about, which we're not sure what it was yet. Yeah, but it was brilliant, I what it was yet yeah but it was brilliant I remember

it brilliant but that was brilliant I've laughed a memory right out of my head yeah I forgot what we did over the last hour

yeah to record it to edit it down to around about half an hour so thank you for listening to the show we'll see you next

week for episode 61 I know there are some people on like Twitter and stuff like that who last week thought there wasn't a beer show

this week because I said it was the final show before the emergency broadcast it was and it was that, who last week thought there wasn't going to be a show this week. Yeah, silly Wally. Because I said it was the final show before the emergency broadcast. It was. And it was that. But it wasn't the final ever show. It was the final show before the emergency broadcast. I mean, maybe read beyond the first four words.

You might be able to work it out. You don't have to get yourself all upset first thing on a Monday morning. But thanks for listening. We shall see you again next week. Bye. Bye then. Thank you, Ray. Hey, let's have a little kiss quick. No, naughty. We shall see you again next week. Bye. Bye then. Thank you Ray. Hey let's have a

little kiss quick. No naughty. Alright let's edit it off and do it. What got off Ed?