The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 61

Episode Date: March 29, 2020

"Episode 61" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 62 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast, episode 70. 61. 61. Congratulations, 61th anniversary. Yeah. Right, my name's Ed Gamble, and who's that little face over there? My name is Ray Peacock, hello. Right, I've been thinking.

What? I think I should get more of my name in the Peacock and Gamble podcast. You think you should get more of your name in it? Yeah. How do you mean? Because I think you've got too many letters in it, and I think I have proved myself now. Right. Because originally, when we did a podcast together, it was just the Ray Peacock podcast.

That's because I was doing it before I even knew your name. Then it became the Peacock and Gamble podcast, because I was just the Ray Peacock podcast. That's because I was doing it before I even knew Ray and I were near it. Then it became the Peacock and Gamble podcast, because I proved myself. Forget my surname in it. Yeah. Now I think it should be called the Peacock and Ed Gamble podcast. Or, if you don't like that, then we could just add some more letters to Gamble. Like, it could be the Peacock and Gamble podcast.

Why do you want to do that? Just so I can prove myself myself like stars at McDonald's. Every time I do a good job, I think I should get a new letter. Right, okay. How many more letters have I got than you? Well, you have got... A-Y-P-E-N-C-O-C-K. No, but just in the name, you've just got Peacock.

I've got ten. You've just got Peacock in the name. All right, P-E-A-C-O-C-K. That's seven. Yeah. G-A-M-B-L-E. So you've got six. So all you need is one more. Well, what one can I have?-K. That's seven. Yeah. G-A-M-B-L-E. So you've got six. So all you need is one more.

Well, what one can I have? Gumballs. We've had that before. No, but I think... The Peacock and Gumballs podcast. No, I think it should be called the Peacock and Gumballs podcast. Well, also, actually, this is a good point. What?

On our dressing room door... Yeah. When we did emergency broadcast at King's Place... Yeah. Last week. King's Place. King's Place last week. On our door, the sign said, Peacock and Gumballs emergency broadcast at King's Place yeah last week King's Place King's Place last week on our door the sign said

Peacock and Gumball's emergency broadcast yeah apostrophe S yeah so you had two you had apostrophe S apostrophe doesn't count

as a letter mate apostrophe counts mate doesn't count as a letter mate it's how much space it's taking up yeah so who did you have to kiss for that

mate you have got a K in your name which takes up more space at the end because it kicks out doesn't it it which takes up more space at the end, because it kicks out, doesn't it? It kicks out. Again, it's kicking the and into my name.

You've got a capital G, which is the fattest letter. It's the fattest letter you can have. A big fat G, right? And if we're not taking a boardroom, and I know on the icon it isn't a capital, because none of them are capitals on the icon for it. But when somebody's doing a contract or something, and it does it automatically, it just puts a big G on there. And people in the offices are going,

look at the size of this bloke's first letter. Yeah, but listen, mate. The big fat get. I've got an L, which is the slimmest letter. Yeah. So that makes up for it. You have got P, which hangs over the top like a big belly over some trousers. Right. Right, capital P. Yeah. So that makes up for it. You have got P, which hangs over the top like a big belly over some trousers. Right. Right, capital P. Yeah. And E, which is all like just a

big fat head and then little legs. Right. And A, right, which is just a big round fat belly, if you think about it. C, which is like a big open mouth, waiting for a bun, right. O, which is just like, hello, I'm an O. Right. C, which is another big mouth,

right? Looking for eat. And then K, which is just kicking the hand right into my fat G. Your mum has gone on holiday even though it's your birthday. Don't put my cock in the kitchen, Mrs Brown. No one else has done it.

There's plenty of them around. Don't put my cock in the kitchen, Mrs Brown. It's not safe near the food. Have you made that one up? Yeah. It's brilliant, like an old Cockney song from Nether Years. I like the idea of making up things that could have been old Cockney songs. Yeah, I like the idea of making up things that could have been old Cockney songs. Yeah, I liked it.

I liked doing that as well. Yeah. Don't ever leave me on the Piccadilly line. Every time I'm on it I remember when she was mine. Oh, don't ever leave me on the Piccadilly line.

It's the one she was on in the Blitz. It's a sad one. Yeah, it's a sad one, yeah. So I'm sorry to bring everything down with my sad side. Yeah, it was sad though, wasn't it? It was sad. But I mean, I like London. You do like London.

Yeah. Don't you? I go there loads nowadays since I don't live there anymore. Yeah. We spent a lot of time in London recently. Well, yeah, because you live there anyway. Well, I live just outside it, really. Yeah, we had to keep going for rehearsals and stuff.

Yeah, for posh rehearsals for our posh live show. And now we keep thinking that the other one, the next one, is like ages away and it's not. It's not, it's really not.

It's about just over three weeks. Oh God almighty, and we've literally not put pen to paper. No, we've got things that we know we want to do but we don't

know how we're going to do them yet. And that's the second emergency broadcast. Well it's technically the third one because we're doing it on the 11th of March as well

in York University. Yeah. That'll be a pared down version of it. Thanks to all the people that came to second emergency broadcast. Well, it's technically the third one, because we're doing it on the 11th of March as well in York. We are. That'll be a pared-down version of it. Thanks to all the people that came to the emergency broadcast. Yes, thank you very much. It'll be two weeks ago now. There were loads of you. It was the other day, it was. Yeah.

There was. There was a lot of them, wasn't there? Yeah. And they were, you know, they were interesting people. They were all right, weren't they? Yeah, they were nice, yeah. And thank you to, was it Dot? It was Dot, wasn't it? Dot gave us presents.

Yeah, Dot gave us presents. And so did our predator. Is that who that was? Yeah, that's our predator. Oh,, wasn't it? Dot gave us presents. Yeah, Dot gave us presents. And so did our Predator. Is that who that was? Yeah, that's our Predator. Oh, I didn't realise that was that bloke. Yeah. Because I met him at the bar. He got me Caligula on Blu-ray.

Yeah, he got me Cool As Ice on DVD. I did better. Yeah, you did. But I've not seen mine yet. I've not watched mine yet. But I'll tell you what, I'm waiting until it's late at night. Yeah. And there's nothing on the telly.

And they're all too fat on Babestation. I'm going to just get and put Caligula on. I'm going to wait until late at night at my one. Yeah. And do my hair in a big quiff. Right. And put a leather jacket on. Okay.

And watch Vanilla Ice and rap along with him. Oh, is that who it is? It's Vanilla Ice. It's Vanilla Ice's modern remake of Rebel Without a Cause. Oh my good God almighty. I didn't even know such a thing existed. Yeah. So that was, Appred It's Vanilla Ice. It's Vanilla Ice's modern remake of Rebel Without a Cause. Oh my good God almighty. We know there's such a thing existed. Yeah. So that was, our Predator did that.

Yeah. That was the geezer we spoke about the other week. Yeah. Who lives in Leicester now. He lives in Leicester now forever, yeah. He sleeps in Leicester until you come back. Oh, well, thank you very much, our Predator. What was his real name?

Do you remember? Josh. Was it Josh? Yeah, okay. Or another one. He's got two names, hasn't he? I thought James and you think Josh. Yeah. I'm not sure. Our Predator, thank was his real name? Do you remember? Josh. Was it Josh? Yeah, okay. Or another one. It might be. He's got two names, hasn't he? I thought James and you think Josh. Yeah.

I'm not sure. Predator, thank you for that. And thank you, Dot. Your presents were lovely as well. And someone in Bristol called Rob brought us presents. What was that? The remote control robots. You've still not given me those yet.

You said you didn't want it. You said it was a shit little present and you ate Rob. Right. Well, that's completely untrue, first of all. We were having an argument over who got the wind-up one and who got the remote control one that's completely untrue first of all. We were having an argument over who got the wind up one and who got the ruck show one. You have not brought either of them. I've not, no. I've left them at home. You're a twat mate. I'm not, you're a twat. Alright, sorry. So the next emergency broadcast is 24th March.

24th March, 24-03-11. 1-1. Legs 11. Legs 11. So that's the way to remember it. What have you been doing? What have you been up to? Oh, not much. I've been shaking, mate. I've been down to the gym today. Have you? How'd you get on?

They all laugh at me down there. Do they really? No, they don't. They're a bit too busy. The thing is, because I'm on an off-peak membership, when I signed up, they said, oh, that's when, because a lot of people who work nights like firemen, they go in. So it's basically me, hunky firemen,

and also really old Japanese people and that is it right okay you could make a superhero team yeah you could that'd be brilliant I'd watch that yeah

done some running on the machine yeah treadmill yeah needed a poo off my throat so I just went in the corner like Paula Radcliffe yeah that's what I'm saying

doing it yeah did you ever poo off before you run yeah well no about three minutes from the end I just had to stop and have a poo.

Right, okay. I think it's because it was dislodging it. I see, I see. Well, you can afford to lose three minutes, can't you? Yeah.

Well, no, I did it after. You went back and did three minutes? I went and did my three minutes otherwise I wouldn't have felt like I'd

done it properly. Well, you haven't done it properly, have you? Well, no, because I've not done my three minutes, but then I went and

did my three minutes. No, but now that you've gone and done your three minutes, you've still not done it properly. Why?

Well, because it all works, it's all like aerobic, isn't it? It works on your heart rate and stuff. Mate, I now that you've gone and done your three minutes, you've still not done it properly. Why? Well, because it's all aerobic, isn't it? It works on your heart rate and stuff. Mate, I still have my heart rate going. Trust me, if I'd been

running for 22 minutes, I've still got my heart rate going and it was a massive poo, mate. Yeah, but it's not maintaining your heart rate.

It must have dropped a little bit. Oh, no, I think it probably went up. It was a big poo. Right. Have you considered basically not joining

the gym and just eating a lot of roughage just eat lots of cereal all the time yeah then the next day that sounds like you'll get your exercise that's a brilliant idea mate oh it was a brilliant laugh at the peacock and gamble emergency broadcast wasn't it yeah it was actually yeah what a ball we had we did did have a ball, didn't we? And we remembered it, pretty much. Yeah, nearly. Yeah, nearly.

We nearly remembered it, didn't we? We both forgot. Yeah. But then we knocked each other back on track. We were like a fluid machine in motion. We were just like a fluid machine. Yeah. I've been watching a little bit of the video

that we recorded for our own personal use. Yeah. Which you can't see, so don't even ask. We've got to stay stiller. Yeah. Particularly me. We were moving about. Yeah, I. We've got to stay stiller. Yeah. Particularly me. Were you moving about? Yeah, I was prowling loads, mate.

Really? You're a little prowler though, aren't you? Wandering around the place. You're a little Wolverine, mate. I don't know where I thought I was going to go. Just leave. Just get off.

I was constantly looking at bits of the stage for nothing. I was walking over and just have a look there in that corner. Not at anything. No.

I think my best bit was when you won that bloke's twitter mate Michael J Fox's twitter yeah his name's Michael J Fox yeah won it in a competition

is it Idol Michael at Idol Michael yeah I think that's his twitter at Idol Michael yeah if you didn't go to the emergency broadcast you can have a look at at Idol Michael

have a look at his tweets on February 24th yeah he went mental he went mental for some reason just in a sort of 20 minute period yeah to start off with the show Idle Michael just started going

like really bizarre. Yeah. And saying really odd things and we're going, mate, put your phone down. What are you doing? And a lot of things won't even make sense

sort of unless you were there. Yeah, and he's going, oh no, I've got a tweet, got a tweet, got a tweet. And we're going, Idle Michael, what is wrong with you? And he's going,

oh no, I've got to send more tweets, got to send more tweets. Yeah. And eventually we just had to just leave him to it. Horrible, horrible. Because he had a big glass bowl he could have smashed over us.

He had a weapon with him. It was a massive thing. I don't know who brings that to a live show. Now, if you want to be in on all these in-jokes. Yeah,

a lot of in-jokes going on here by the way and you probably don't know anything about them because you weren't at the emergency broadcast. There were lots of people there but I bet you weren, by the way. And you probably don't know anything about them because you weren't at the emergency broadcast. Yeah, there were lots of people there, but I bet you weren't one of them, were you, Dan?

I know, and we're going to keep doing this. Yeah. The more shows we do, the more in-jokes there'll be. Yeah. You'd get sacked from a brass band for that. Yeah. Cheer up, Ray. When's a duck been in Doctor Who?

I think we're all sad about Rolf Harris. That's my favourite bit of Sister Act. Yeah, so they're all things. Yeah. So you don't know. If you weren't there, you don't know what any of those things mean. Yeah.

The people that were there, they're in bits now, mate. No, they're loving it and they're all crying. Sort of half laughing and half crying from the brilliant memories. Yeah. Look across at that person. I know you're sat on the tube now,

listening to this. Look across at that person across. Look how much they're laughing. They're listening to it at the same time they're laughing because they get it. Yeah, they understand what we've been on about. Yeah. And also we've had a bit of a row on Twitter today, me and you. Yeah, we have. I did that Sunday night show. I was the one up on the... I think they should just give it a name. I was the one up on the series. Yeah, call it the Sunday night show. Yeah. Last week was great. It was... because there's been weeks, you know. Overall, I've

enjoyed doing it. Yeah. I've met some interesting people. I've met some, you know, like the Hamiltons. I don't want to meet the Hamiltons. You know that a lot of this isn't, who does Ray want to meet? Well, we'll send him there. No, I know. It's not, you are not a dying child. But this week, it was Clive Anderson.

Yeah. Sophie Ellis-Bexter. Yeah. And Brian Blessed. Yeah. Who was amazing. I know. I like Brian Blessed.

I mean, I was in a quite mischievous mood anyway as I sometimes are yeah and Sophie and Specs has got her her makeup people

oh she that she brings with her yeah and they're like oh bring in the makeup for Sophie and I was going

yeah come on get the rollers out right misbehaving myself but anyhow Brian Blessed absolutely amazing if you watch that

Sunday night show I watched it last night yeah to watch how it came out and so much had to be chopped out of it

right okay because he swears so much and it's so so funny yeah there's one bit where he'd been talking about you know the famous palm pilot bit

where he's hosting a game show I've not seen it the shirt on Russell's show as well quite a lot he's hosting a game show and he goes oh you've won a palm pilot

and then he can't open the thing. He's like, oh, fucking thing. And the contestants are laughing and he goes, palm pilot sounds like a wanking machine. And they always show that clip.

But when they showed that clip, that seemed to spark off his swearing. And he proper did. And they were going, what was all that about? And he went, oh, fucking fuck knows. I don't fucking know.

And I'm not even exaggerating. It was fucking, fucking hell. fucking fuck knows I don't fucking know and I'm not even exaggerating it was fucking fucking hell fucking ridiculous I don't even know what's fucking on and as far as I know it's been fucking sent

to the bottom of the fucking North Sea they've used it in fucking war torn Europe to fucking clear the fucking trenches it was amazing and you could just see

the floor start just going like laughing but going I don't know how this is ever going to go out I don't know how this is ever going to go out I don't know how this is ever going to be edited bit star struck by him really

because I nearly met him once before he was on our radio show that I used to do the BBC London but I was in Edinburgh when he was on so somebody else

who was in the show John interviewed him oh that's annoying yeah big you know he got me an autograph for that and I so I spoke to Brian

and got you an autograph Brian blessed autograph and got another one for myself. Yeah. Where was your one that you got first before that? What? Where's the one you got years ago? I don't know.

It's in my drawer somewhere. Oh. You have got it. Yeah, but that's... You have got one. That's on lined paper. Right. That's why I wanted it again.

Right. On plain paper. And he did it. He put 2AM, that's my real name, 2AM, Big Love, Brian Blessed. Yeah. And on your one he put 2 Ed. Big love, Brian Blessed. Interesting story about that. He didn't recognise the name Ed.

What do you mean? I got my first and then I went, oh, I'm really supposed to be a pain in the arse. Can you do one for Ed as well? He went, what? I went, it's fine if you don't want to. He went, no, no, it's fine. I went to Ed and he went, F.

And I went, no, Ed, Ed, Egg. No, Ed, E-D. And he went, Ed? And I went, yeah, short for Edwin. And he went, no, Ted's short for Edwin. Brilliant. That's really interesting that you taught Brian Blessed a thing. Yeah, so he put two Ed.

Big love, Brian Blessed. And then I did Compete for the Meat the other day, which is on Murray's new show. Did the warm-up on that. I was in a very big dressing room. Oh, well, that's great. Yeah, and... Very nice.

I had all my stuff out. Yeah. And somewhere along the way... You always get your stuff out if you're in a big dressing room. Yeah, I've lost the autographs. I've lost my one as well. Sorry. I am a bit upset.

No, I am genuinely upset about it. I'm genuinely upset about it. And also, I'm a little bit upset that you didn't let Brian Blessed put two egg from Brian Blessed. Would you have preferred that?

Yeah, that would have been really funny. Oh, really? Okay. Well, I mean, we could probably just fake you another one. No, it's not the same, is it?

Why? Because it's not an autograph. It's just you who's written egg on a bit of paper. But I've met him. Which you've tried to do when you give me one of your fake breakfasts. Oh, I noticed when we'd done the emergency broadcast at King's Base the other night that your mum didn't bother coming.

No, she didn't, no. Even though she lives up the road. She doesn't live up the road. She lives nearby. No, not really. Well, dear enough. Why did your mum not come and see our show? I don't ask her to come and see things.

Tell her to come and see it. Why? Does she even know you do comedy? Yeah, she does, definitely. Does she even know that you were doing the show at King's Place? Yeah. Well, why did she not come in then? I told her not to.

Because she's not been one of her friends from the club. What club? I imagine she. I told her not to. Because she's not been one of her friends from the club. What club? I imagine she goes to a bridge club. A bridge? How old do you think my mum is? 1890s, what? No. Get your mum come down.

My mum come down. Yeah, your mum come down. My mum come down from the North West. I tell you what, and this is a compliment. Yeah? During the show, I didn't hear her once. She was actually immaculate well there. She did very well, yeah.

Because my mum has a tendency to shout out. Yeah. Or to talk out quite loudly. Yeah, yeah. Just talking to the person next to you. Yeah? Yeah. Not meaning any harm. No, not at all, no. But not once during the show. No. I think she probably thought, oh, I think a lot of people like this. Yeah. I'll be quiet. Whereas in the past she's thought

people might like it if I join in. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. No, she was very, very well behaved on the Thursday night. Yeah. She stayed till Saturday. Oh. So, there are other things I could tell you about. Right.

You know, because being a dutiful son. I didn't see her on Friday because I was doing that Sunday night show. Yeah. Which was filmed on a Friday. Yeah. But then on the Saturday, I went down and met her in London. Yeah. And went for dinner.

Yeah. Italian restaurant. Yeah. You know where we go for our coffees opposite Forbidden Planet you went in there for a meal restaurant downstairs

you go in there for a meal really nice man yeah really nice we'll go there one day together treat ourselves we were sat in the restaurant me and my mum

and at one point she was looking at the wall and she went I'm not being funny I can't understand I don't know what any of them things are I went what

on the menu it's all in Italian that I don't know what any of them things are. What? On the menu. It's all in Italian, that. I don't know what any of them are. Turn around. Wine list. So menu's on the other side. All in English. All fine. So there was that.

But that's nothing compared to what then happened. I wanted to go to Soho because there's a cinema store down there. Which I sometimes go to. So I went down there. Went to the cinema store. Didn't get. I wanted to go to Soho because there's a cinema store down there. Yeah. Which I sometimes go to for things. So I went down there,

went to the cinema store, didn't get what I wanted, didn't have it. As we're walking past, we passed another Italian restaurant, right? Right. We're walking around

and I can see my mum looking and as she was looking, and this couldn't have been put together worse, right? There's a gang of maybe three or four

black guys. Yeah. Started just walking towards us, right? Yeah. Now my mum didn't even see them. She was looking at the Italian restaurant. Yeah.

And she went, is that where we went? Right? I went, when? And she went, earlier on. And I went, no, no, no. And she's looking at it, right? Black bloke's walking by.

She went, they all look the same to me. Black bloke stopped. I looked and went, she means restaurant, she means restaurant. They came to a walk and I went to my mum, you can't just suddenly shout. They all look the same to me. Right?

And then she went, why? What do you think I meant? Penises? Why didn't you think that she's mental I'm sorry I'm being nice about your mum because I think she's brilliant but she's she's not

she just gets very distracted I don't know maybe she saw the big pepper grinder She's not. She just gets very distracted. Penis, but what? I don't know. I don't know. Maybe she saw the big pepper grinder. I don't know what she was thinking of. I've no idea. I've got this horrible feeling that before she goes out, my mum just spins around for ages.

And then goes out. And that's why she's so sort of uncoordinated. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. But then all day she's going, oh, that'll be in the podcast, won't it? Oh, you make me look stupid. I was like, I don't make you look stupid.

I literally report word for word what you've said. It's unbelievable. Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah, there we are. met Des O'Connor the other night whoa lovely lovely man yeah never been a fan

or anything yeah yeah a lot of people on the crew at Sunday Night Show had worked with him before yeah

on like Des and Mel on his chat show Des and Mel Des and Mel there's some show Des and Mel Des and Mel there's some belting guests on that they did yeah lovely chemistry

yeah great chemistry just an old bloke and a young woman anyway lovely chemistry very hot it's very sexual sexual

I still take it over loose women any day of the week yeah so they're all saying hi Des and he's going hello hello

and you know so and so sends a love oh thank you thank you yeah and then somehow I got in the queue I've got no idea and he's going, hello, hello, and so-and-so sends a love, oh, thank you, thank you.

Somehow I got in the queue. I've got no idea how. It was like as he was going, and I was just in this sort of carried away with the crowd. And I was just there, and he just came up to me, and he went, he got his arm round me, put his arm on the back of my head, and he went, you were wonderful.

I thought you were going to kiss me. And you had done warm-up at that point. Yeah, yeah. This was when he arrived, and he was going, hi, Des, how are you? You're wonderful. No, no, he said, no. And you had done warm-up at that point. Yeah, yeah. This wasn't when he arrived. They were going, hi, Des, how are you? You're wonderful. No, no, he said, no, I had done the warm-up. But I doubt he would have seen it.

But he was just like, you were wonderful. And shook my hand and that. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, but I thought I'd broken. Because when I shook his hand, his bones cracked. Really? Yeah. I think I squeezed it too hard. You've broken Des O'Connor's hand.

It's like Barack Obama all over again, isn't it? Yeah, it's like when I broke his arm. So I'm broken Dez O'Connor's hand. It's like Barack Obama all over again, isn't it? Yeah, it's like what I broke his arm. So I'm sorry, Dez O'Connor, about that. If he has been hurting all week, it's my fault. Yeah, so have all his bones in his hand. When I met Michael Palin, I was very aware that I might have had a sharp nail and I think I stabbed him with it when I shook hands with him. So have you just been hurting people in the hand?

Not deliberately. Like old gentlemen in the hand? Not deliberately, no. I'm trying to be friendly. Now, it's time for the time of the thing. It is time for the time of the thing, isn't it?

It is. Now, we all heard there was a film pitch last week, Harry Potter 7. Right? We all heard that. That was recorded

ages ago. Finally, it saw the light of day after you're trying to censor me and my artistic ways. I wasn't trying to censor you. Harry Potter 7. Or put that in the vault. Put that in the vault.

Try and keep the idea for yourself. Right, well, go back overall. You naughty little thief. Go back. That's what I always say to you. When you're in a podcast and you go, when was the bit we were recording about Santa? I always say to you, right, well, tell me what I should have cut out of the podcast

to make way for that. So tell me. So I can't think of anything that should have gone in before that. It was months and months ago. People love the film pitches. They love Harry Potter. They love me. They like all the fun. All the fun of the fair. All in one section. You thought, this is what you thought.

You thought, that's a good idea, Harry Potter 7. Pop that out the podcast. Send it in myself. Try and get a film. But they all saw it was from you and you put curry stains all over the sheet and stuff and they went, well well no we're not making that are you still ploughing on with this idea

that I'm spicy putting all me curry stains on there yeah even though your address is agrid right in the picture

people like me more than they like you yeah well yeah we'll see mate when I read this out I can prove it why I've got the video

over there of us on stage yeah at the end of the emergency broadcast yeah so we'll just play the cheers at the end

they're exactly the same let's see who gets the most cheers they're exactly the same hang on I'm going to put it on here's the end of the emergency broadcast so we'll just play the cheers at the end they're exactly the same let's see who gets the most cheers they're exactly the same hang on I'm going to put it on here's the one for Ed alright here we go

get ready did you hear the difference in that right well you turned mine down you turned mine right down mine was ridiculous mate I got a massive cheer then that's Right, well, you turned mine down. Did you hear my one? You turned mine right down and turned yours right up. Oh, mine was ridiculous, mate.

I got a massive cheer then. That's not how it was. You turned mine right down like that and you turned yours right up. As it was like, not bad. It wasn't. It was like woo and woo. And Ray Deacock was like, yeah, come on. Is that what you heard?

Yeah, come on. Is that what you heard? Hey, do your hour show at the end. I was going, guys, come on. Guys, come on, guys. I can't do my hour show at the end! I was going, guys, come on, I can't. Guys, come on, guys. I can't do my hour show at the end, guys. Come on, Ray, do your hour. No, forget all this nonsense about you changing the sounds, right?

Yeah, he's brilliant. No, no one said that ever, right? Ed is stupid. They do, right? They have said that. Did you hear him say that? Yeah, I heard him say that bit. I heard him cheering that out as well.

Yeah. So, obviously, you tried to keep Harry Potter 7 away but the public demanded that you release it so you have right so now it's time

I haven't had time because the feedback of the Harry Potter has been so good I haven't had time to write a full film pitch this week so I've just gone through

my notes and I've found because I'm always I'm always like putting down little film pitches and little ideas I'm always putting down little film pictures and little ideas. I'm very much like Steven Spielberg. Yeah, or Guillermo del Toro.

See, we're not doing this section anymore, obviously, which we know. And I know that now it's become a thing that we're not doing it. So you are doing it. So I get it. But what I'm saying is, even if we're going to do this, and I'll play along with it. It's a Disney animated film. Yeah, but at least don't just do notes. No, but it's like...

At least write it. No, because it's like a bit of feedback, we can kick around the idea, we can... So you want me to write it with you? So, no, well no, I mean, I've got, this is a film pitch, but it's sort of, we've cut out all the faff, we're just straight to the meat of it. Which is what? Well, here we go. Bang. Well, first, what I'll say straight off is, it's an animated short.

Disney animated film. Yeah, short. Right, not a short. It's like I'll say straight off is it's an animated short. Disney animated film. Yeah, short. Right, not a short. It's like two minutes tops. No, a feature. Disney animated feature film. No, I'm not doing it. And it is about the bits that hang off fingernails.

You know the little bits? Oh, for goodness sake. You know on your fingernails, yeah? Yeah. What if they came alive? This is all my notes. They are the goodies and the main fingernails are the baddies. This is in a film, not in real.

The nails bully them, but the hangnails can't do anything about it because they live on them and have to pay them rent. Where were you when you wrote this? Just about the place. No, where were you sat when you wrote this? Well, no, because... What were you waiting for? Different ideas come in at different times.

I might have been in an independent coffee shop having a tall black coffee. Right. Or I might have been buying some Joss sticks. Okay, so the hangnails have to live, they're alive, they have to live

on the main fingernails so they can't, the main fingernails are like evil landlords. You're like a socialist all this. So they're a bit upset obviously but they can't

do anything about it. The humans don't notice any of this and you never see the humans' faces. I thought that was quite inventive. What's inventive about that?

Well, you don't see the humans' faces. Okay, well, that happened in Tom and Jerry as well. Well, you heard the humans though, didn't you? Sometimes, yeah. And you hear the humans in this. Yeah. So I'm saying this is quite inventive. So you're saying it's basically,

you've come up with Tom and Jerry. Little Terry Hangnail is the main goody. Jerry? Terry. Jerry, go on. Little Terry Hangnail is the main goody who's had enough, all right? He's going to do something about it.

He decides to stand up to the main baddie, Jimmy Nail. He leads an attack against the nails with all the other hangnails until the nails start ingrowing. So there's sort of funny stuff, funny stuff, and then they raise up. I can't believe you're saying this out loud. And then they rise up against the nails and make them ingrow and get them so scared so they ingrow. I can't believe that you had this as an idea and followed through with it.

Right. I can't believe that you thought that and then thought that'd be funny, wouldn't it? Just as a throwaway line. Yeah. Yeah, it would have been

as a throwaway line. You've written an entire film pitch about hangnails who are in conflict with the nails they are hanging off. Yeah, well, that's interesting.

That is a classic struggle. If ever there was an alarm bell that this podcast has run its course then this is it never when we first started

doing this think about the baddies you could bring in though nail clippers when we first started doing this if you'd have said to us one day

that just knocks it off one day it'll get to the point dirt the dirt under the nails could be a new character where Ed is doing that's an interesting an interesting thing

a film pitch. It comes to live. About hand nails. Some dirt comes to live on there and they're like, no. We would have said, please stop us before it gets to that point. No, I think this is a classic struggle brought to somewhere we haven't considered. What if our hang nails were alive? Children, we all thought this when we were children.

But you can apply this to anything. What if our hair was alive? Good. What if snot was alive? What if Scott was alive? Snot. I thought you said Scott. I thought you had a friend called Scott who died. No, I didn't.

What if hangnails were alive? What if hair was alive? What if our teeth were alive and our fillings were having a row with them? Brilliant. It's not brilliant. It's absolutely idiotic. Right. So, do you want the cast list? No. Starring Precious from Precious. Why is she always in all your films?

Because I think she's funny. I liked her on Jonathan Ross. Why do you think... Oh, right, so... She plays Mama Hangnail. Would you not... Why is she Mama Hangnail? Because she's the mum.

The mum hangnail. Right, we'll call her Mum Hangnail. Not Mama Hangnail. Why? Like she's the bloody cook. In Tom and Jerry. Yeah. James McAvoy.

What? I don't... James McAvoy as Terry. Stop it, Ed! Charlie Sheen as a funny topical reference. Alan Bennett as Jimmy Nail. I think I meant Alan Rickman. That's all in one note.

Right. And Lethal Bizzle as the carp. Who's Lethal Bizzle? He's like a... He's a rapper sort of guy. As the what? The carp. I've not...

I just thought at the end I'd like to put a carp in it. As in a fish? Yeah. Why? Well, the person whose hands they're on works in an aquarium. So occasionally they'll go underwater and have a chat with the fish. I don't want to do this podcast anymore.

Why? Because you've ruined it. I've not ruined it. How have I ruined it? Normally I would be diplomatic and I'd say it's run its course but you have ruined this. Why?

And not only have you ruined this podcast. I've got a title. You've soiled... Hard as nails because it's hard as nails. It's a hard life. You've soiled the memory of all the other podcasts. You've ruined a title. You've soiled. Hard as nails because it's hard as nails. It's hard. It's a hard life. You've soiled the memory of all the other podcasts. You've ruined all the old ones now. Think of all the funny jokes where he's like wiping his bum. The human they go and they talk to the other hand they go see you on the other side. This is it. And they're going right up the

bum. And did you say this is an animation? Animated film yeah. For children or for adults? For children and adults alike. It works on loads of different levels. So you're having... Like all the best ones. You're having a bit in this kid's film where the hangnail on the fingernails go up a bum. No, up a bum. They just go, you see it go round. You pick up paper and you see the nails and the hangnails are terrified.

United at last, for God's sake. And they see the nails on the other hand and they know they're going for, they're like, oh God, here we go again. And you see the paper go, you see the hand with the paper go round. And the thing is, you can have his girlfriend, the man's girlfriend, his nails,

and they could be really feminine nails. And they're like long red French nails. It's all characterised, but obviously they don't have hangnails because they're well looked after. Ooh, hello. I'm Madame Nail. Like that.

And that could be Drew Barrymore. Maybe with the hangnails you could have a bit where he's in bed with his wife and they're getting all saucy and that. And you see his hand go down between the legs. Right. And then could be Drew Barrymore. Maybe with the hand nails you could have a bit where he's in bed with his wife and they're getting all saucy and you see his hand go down between the legs. Right. And then you just hear him going, ow, ow, ow, ow, slowly, slowly, slowly. And then you hear the hand nail go, sorry. Yeah, I was being sarcastic.

That is good though, that is good. That's a good idea. Maybe you could do that thing that some men do where they have like just short nails. That's what I wanted. Short nails on one hand. Yeah. And long nails on the other hand. Yeah.

So you can do touching down below with the short nails and you can use the long nails for scratching. Or like John McCurick, he has one long fingernail for picking his nose. Maybe he could be in it. Do you know what? It's going to do it. I think what we'll do is we'll get you and John McCurick and what we'll do, I'll pay for it, for you to go on a writing retreat.

Oh! I'm not going to tell you where it is. I think you should be there as well. No, no, I'm not going to be going to that. But we're really should be there as well. No, no, I'm not going to be going to that. But we're really getting some good ideas here.

No, no, but I think if you have John there, I think it will help. Hard as nails. So you and John McCrick go and write Hard as Nails.

Disney Pixar. I'll sort you out a helicopter. What? To take you to your writing retreat. I'll pay for all this, mate.

Yeah? Don't you worry. You don't have to pay for it. This is looking good, guys. If you've got a good idea, then I

will pay for you to go away and write. You're going there tomorrow. So what about next week's podcast? Don't worry about that. Pack your bags and wait for the helicopter. Coming soon in cinemas. Hard as nails.

Yeah. Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies, except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Seidlosen. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a Ready production hosted by

Chortle.co.uk. See you next week.