The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 62

Episode Date: April 5, 2020

"Episode 62" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 63 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. It's the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hello, I'm Ray Peacock. Oh! Raymundo Peacock. Oh, no. I am here with Eduardo Gamble. Shut up.

Hello, Eduardo. I've been shot down. I've been shot down. You've been shot down? When? In my helicopter. That helicopter that I got you? Yeah, for me and John McCrick to do our writing. You got shot down?

Yeah. That's awful. I got gunned down by a lone wolf. But you survived. You survived, sadly. You also just dribbled on your shirt. Yeah, I know. It's just because some of my mouth got cut out by one of the blades.

Maybe when you had your crash, you banged your head really hard and all. Yeah. Now you're dribbling a little bit. Yeah. Did you have your teeth whitened? No. No, you should.

So I sent you away for your writing meeting. Yeah, it didn't go very well. We got shot down. You got shot down. That helicopter that I sorted out, and that's about as close to a running storyline as we'll ever get. So you get the idea. Last week I said I'd get in an helicopter.

This week we're saying he was shot down. You get the idea with that. But we actually, when we were lying there for many, 100 hours. You're going to make more of it. We were lying there. You and John McCurrick. John, yeah. John had cut his lung off

when we fell down out the sky. Yeah. And we wrote quite a serviceable drama. Okay, what about? Just about life. So not the one you were going to write? No, just about life. I can't even remember what it was. It was the hangnails thing, wasn't it? It was the hangnails, yeah. But we thought the situation was not right for Disney because we're in the wilderness.

We're lying in some woods and John's up a tree and I'm down below and a lot of his innards are hanging out yeah his innards were hanging out and I was sort of

awkwardly positioned over a bit of bark yeah and was any of his blood just falling down on your face yeah it was dripping down we actually used that

to write the drama oh that's nice it's sort of similar to Shameless but um Cockney Cockney Shameless yeah

is what we wrote it's a good idea that you've done that. Is that not? Is that not just EastEnders? It's the future. It's in the future as well. It's set in the future.

Yeah. Are you now going to try and do a film pitch in the first section? Tell me what, another day? Right. To be fair... It's about Cockney issues in the future. Nice. I think with John McCarrick...

Oh, knees up by the silver. No, knees up by the silver would be a future Cockney song, wouldn't it? Or like the pastotney songs we did last week yeah I think with John McCurrick not surviving

yeah the helicopter crash of course he did die didn't he the fact that he has died a slow and agonising painful death

as he's in it's fell out of his body when he was up a tree yeah down onto your head

and then bounced into a river I think the fact that that's happened it would be disrespectful of us

now yeah to talk about your film pitch or it would be a tribute I'm saying we put his name on it and then we can have In Memory of John McCrory why don't we just have this podcast In Memory of John McCrory just this one, just as a thing

we don't have to even mention it ever again and then we could do a scene from the film later we're not doing that and I'll tell you for why because somebody has got a little birthday coming up. Yeah I do. This week

and I don't want to see you on your birthday because you're going to Bath and I won't be there. So because of that we'll do a special birthday podcast. Yeah.

That's pretty much it. Right. Just me saying it's a birthday podcast. Okay. There's no specific sections based on that. Not that I can think of.

No. I could give you your presents if you want. Yeah. Alright we'll do that in the next section. Alright. Alright.

Welcome to the show. Ed's birthday Ed's I. Ed's birthday podcast. I'm Ed Gamble. So, birthday boy. Well, not yet. 30 years young today. No, 25 in two days. 35 years young.

Lovely Ed Gamble. Yeah. And that's why we are a good double act. We are. Because there's only like a couple of years between us roughly the same age

Ed is 35 and I am 34 so 25 so if anyone out there I'm not 40 so if anyone is out there

from a publishing company yeah maybe you want to do a book with us no maybe you want to go oh I'll tell you what I wouldn't mind commissioning you two to write a book with us. Yeah. Maybe you want to go oh I'll tell you what, I wouldn't mind commissioning you

to write a book you funny blokes. Yeah. Yeah maybe not in the writing, maybe not in the meeting. Don't say, hang on you're really old, he's really young. I'll come to your work together. Bear that in mind. I think that was just a passing comment that someone made that's really got to you. I'm just saying that I was disappointed

with that meeting anyway because I did everything i could in that meeting to get us a million pound book deal i tried everything you did do you know what i was negotiating in that you know you were there yeah in that publishing meeting we went for a meeting with a publisher in that publishing meeting right i was negotiating so well yeah i was so good at it yeah our manager looked embarrassed I should be pushing for a million pounds this is a book that we've not got an idea for yeah right and I'm gonna just say I wish I could be more like that I wish I could

be more confident started looking for us embarrassed didn't you? Yeah just go give me a million pounds get your checkbook out I'm not leaving these offices. So they've got a million pounds from a book.

So we really should maybe get on with writing that. Oh yeah we should have a crack at it. At some point. Anyway enough about that because it's somebody's

39th birthday today. 25th. No but it is somebody's 39th birthday isn't it? Yeah it is. You're right it is somebody's birthday, isn't it? Yeah, it is. You're right, it is somebody's. So I wasn't lying.

Yeah. What have I got here? I've got a card. Oh. Two cards, actually, and a present. Two cards and a present. Yeah, I got you this one, because I felt so bad about, you know, we talked about Brian Blessing last week and me losing the autograph.

Yeah. Because I felt so bad about that, I managed to get this for you. Oh, what? So open that. Just explain what you're doing. Are you doing it? I'm just opening a card. It says, To Ed Gambles, on the front. Oh, she wrote Gambles. Oh, what? Open that. Just explain what you're doing. I'm just opening a card. It says 2 Ed Gambles on the front.

Oh, she wrote Gambles. That's embarrassing. I'm not good at envelopes. I'm just opening the card. You're not good at envelopes, are you? No, I'm really terrible. Literally pulling it off like a little penny at a time. It's a Christmas card.

Merry Christmas. She's an idiot. at a time. Yeah. It's a Christmas card. Merry Christmas, it says. Oh, she's done a Christmas card, hasn't she? She. She's an idiot. Got a carrot, it's got a snowman. Don't worry about that. On the front.

What is it? It says, to Ed, happy birthday and happy new year. Lots of love from Cheryl Baker yeah how about that how about that

that I sorted out for you so that is probably Cheryl Baker's autograph I would have made it what um that's what she writes like why did you why did you think I'd like

no I just thought you know because I didn't because that other autograph Brian Blessed that I lost yeah and I thought

I'll get it I mean it'd be if I I didn't do that but I'm saying if I had and I thought I'll get it I mean it'd be I didn't do that but I'm saying if I had done Brian Blessie you'd have probably guessed I'd done it

so I went and just got Cheryl Baker because she was around is that why she lives across the way she lives across the way I think it's Cheryl Baker

I'm thinking about it it might just be a weird bloke but there you go so that's a lovely card it's lovely to get a card from Cheryl Baker there you go

that's nice so anyway here's another card now that I got you oh yep oh here we go it's quite big

it is isn't it it's probably the size of like a massive stamp yep yep let's get it open silver paper

yep don't worry I decided against the envelope it's another Christmas card that's all that's in against the envelope. Oh, it's another Christmas card. Yep. That's all that's in it, mate. Don't get excited.

It's another Christmas card. Yep. For a special little girl at Christmas time. Have you noticed that I've made... Yeah, no, I've seen that. There's a Santa on the front and you've made him a sort of stereotypical Chinese man. Yeah, I thought... I thought it's unfair, isn't it?

You never see a Chinese Santa. It probably is a Santa. What's lovely about this card, before you open it up, I'll tell you, it's a story card. Is it? Yes, it's got a story that runs through it. Right. And I read the story and it was alright. You didn't like it though, you changed it a bit, haven't you?

I've just changed bits and bobs a bit. I've been quite clever with it. So if you could just explain what you can say when you open your card. Right, Ray has done a drawing of a man. I assume it's a man because he's got his penis in his hand. In his other hand, he's got a shotgun and he's got no head. He's blown his head off. Blood everywhere.

Yeah, blood everywhere. And it says below, a suicide wank, brackets, trendy new thing. Yeah, I mean, don't take that as a cry for help. Right. So, yeah. You can just read the story, but please read it with my amendments. I'll read it with your amendments. Yeah. Okay. The man in charge of

Christmas has a very big knob. Too big for just one man. So he has elves and a little bit of magic lube to help him out. I've just changed the odd word here and there. When you write to Santa, the elves open your letter and read it to Santa while

he wanks. And you've drawn a little knob in there for Santa. So he can write your name on his list of wanks he done. Yeah, there's his list. Yeah, he's got a little letter to Raji there, hasn't he? As long as you have been very, very good, of course.

Santa's workshop... Santa's workshop is run by elves. They make all the presents Santa leaves spunk under your tree. Just saying. They're very good at making toys because they have tiny hands, which makes Santa's knob look even bigger. Yeah, and he's already got a massive one, remember? Yeah, and they're very patient.

This is a great story, mate. Cheers, mate. The night before Christmas, the elves polish Santa's knob and put lube up his arse and stuff it full of little elf cock as it can be stuffed. What does that originally say? It says the elves polish the sleigh and stuff it as full as it can be stuffed

and you've put in the elves polish Sansa's knob and put lube up his arse and stuff it as full of little elf cock as it can be stuffed. I think they've made the story miles better. Yeah, it is brilliant, mate. And then there seems to be three lines here that you've just crossed out

and written tits in capital letters. Yeah, okay. They brush the reindeer and wash their feet and feed them carrots and knobs. Because the reindeer fly higher if they're not dusty and sad or anything bad or haven't had knobs. Yeah, I'm tired at this point. And he's drawn the reindeer's face to look like a massive knob yeah there's a theme

isn't there scan this in maybe put it in your facebook let people look at it and then it's time for Santa to fuck off and that wasn't there already

it takes a long time to deliver presents to everyone so he needs to hurry up with his wank the elves can go to bed because they've had a lot of cock and a very busy day

and they are fucked. It's clever comedy, isn't it? And then this last page has just had the word spunk written across it in huge letters and it says, to Ed, happy birthday to a special boy.

I changed it from girl because it said girl and Christmas. Yeah. And love, well, love Ian it says. Yeah, that's because that's how you know me girl and Christmas. Yeah. And love, well, love Ian, it says. Yeah, that's because that's how you know me in real life. Yeah.

And then... And you've taped 20p. You've very heavily taped 20p into the back of the card. Yeah, very heavily. I don't want it to fall out. Yeah. So I've put loads of tape on it. Yeah.

To make sure that it doesn't fall out. And then you've drawn a fanny. Yeah. About a massive fanny with a spider coming out of it. No, it's a bum. Bummo. Alright. Bummo. There's a spider coming out of the fanny. And I've autographed that for you as well.

Yeah, love Ian. That's going to be worth a lot of money. Oh wow, you can see how much it is on the back. £100 it was. That card was £100. Well that's a really nice card mate. So there's your lovely knobs card for Christmas. I really like it. I love the story. I might read that out on stage tonight. Chinese Santa as well. Yeah, lovely Chinese Santa. And then I've got one more present for you. Have you? Yep. Oh, thanks mate. I'll look at that one if

you want. Be careful with it though. Alright, be very careful. I'm not very good at unwrapping things. That's gone alright, that first one. Careful though, because I'll tell you now it's got glass in it. What? Just telling you. Come on, rip it, rip it, get it out of here. Alright, alright, I'm strong with you. Careful. Whoa!

Oh! You lied to me! Did I lie? Did you do a lie or not? Yeah, I did a lie. Oh, brilliant. It is Brian Blessed's autograph in a proper picture. Oh!

Nice frame of him in that. That is brilliant. It was horrible having to lie to you. I felt really bad about it. I had to tell members of your family in case you fell out with me. I had to check with them about it. That's brilliant. Because the thing is, I thought you knew that I was getting you that autograph. Yeah, I knew you were.

And then I thought, well, that would make it rubbish as a present. Yeah. So I'll pretend I've lost it. Yeah. I'll even record it on a podcast that I've lost it. And on Twitter. Put it on Twitter. Yeah. So I'll pretend I've lost it. Yeah. I'll even record it on a podcast that I've lost it. And on Twitter, put it on Twitter. Yeah, and I'm all disappointed in that. So you're not going to lose your one either? No, my one's fine as well.

Oh, brilliant. Thank you, mate. That's really nice. That is a lovely thing. You can't keep it. Oh. It's mine now. Oh.

It says to Ed. Yeah, the frame was really expensive. All right. I mean, the frame... No, you've seen it now. No, but I assume the frame is the sort of part of the present as well, isn't it? No, but the frame the frame no you've seen it now no but I assume the frame is the sort of part of the present

no but the frame that was I mean that was daft expensive as a frame you know when you get like a little clip frame for seven quid

that's not a little clip frame for seven quid it's a big chunky frame yeah it was daft money daft money so you can't have that can I have the

autograph no but it's in the frame isn't it yeah but enjoy your knob card happy birthday thanks do you remember

the other week we did the compilation show deleted scenes yeah and there was the thing in about I nearly said her name then, about my ex who wrote me a letter after dumping me.

Yeah. After we split up. Yeah. And I said in that, I don't actually know, I might have edited it out when I said it, but I did say it in real life. Right. Where I said there were two letters.

Yeah. And I couldn't find the other one. It was driving me mad. Yeah. One was the one that I read out. Yeah. The one that called me a filthy lowdown uncouth guttersnide. Yeah.

And there was another one. Now, the other one was the actual dumping letter right it was so we really need that one and i found it well perfect any short letter see now it's very yellowed now yeah and again once again blue tack on the back yeah it's stuck up on your wall yeah it is it does look like a pirate's treasure map right get ready dearest sweetest ian is my real name don't forget dearest sweet, sweetest Ian. Words fail to express the turmoil my emotions are in at this moment. I feel I'm at a crossroads in my life, and as much as it tears me apart to write this, I feel that we must part each other's

company. I am sick of your egotistical mannerisms, your foul connotations, and the fact that you fail to appreciate me for what I am. We part. Adieu. Wow. we part adieu wow you've had a lovely haircut thanks mate I came and met you after you had your haircut I had loads of them done actually oh yeah no not just one was it no I cut quite a few of them yeah cut quite a few of them off yeah

they've cut so many it's actually changed my hair she's cut so many hairs it's changed the shape of it a bit yeah well you've probably had a few inches them off yeah they've cut so many it's actually changed my hair yeah she's cut so many hairs it's changed the shape of it a bit yeah well you've probably had a few inches cut off haven't you well about 7 or 8 inches

yeah I think it was well it still rests on your shoulders just touches my shoulders just touches your shoulders yeah a girl did it she washed my hair

and then we spoke about stuff what sort of stuff she was giving it all like oh are you a comedian I went yeah and she went oh the boy who I just spoke to in the back said he knew you. That was me, that.

Was it you? I go round the back to collect the air to make my dolls. Oh, right. Sorry. I thought I was saying it was a boy that was working the air. No, I go and get the, I'm the boy. I go there. I keep my head down.

I keep very quiet. But they let me collect up the hair to make my dolls. Oh, okay. And I sell them on a little stall. It's lovely. You should get an eBay store. Yeah, I should do. I like the vibe of it.

It's just my hair, but shorter, isn't it? It's got a sort of Middle Ages vibe to it. Oh, brilliant, thanks. No, I like it. I look middle-aged? No, Middle Ages, like Maid Marian. I don't want to look like Maid Marian. You don't like the TV programme Maid Marian?

I don't want to look like that. It's very silky today as well. I look like a blue rock star, mate. I don't know what you're on about. When I turned up and you had your back to me, I thought, oh, that's a lovely lady. But it was you. Oh, right, so I look like a woman from behind now as well.

Brilliant. This is a... The smashing compliments are easy. But then you turned around and you had a beard on. I've already had the embarrassment today of falling asleep. Where did you wash my hair? Oh, really? Because I get so stressed out going to the hairdressers.

I do. I was up all night. I had two hours 40 sleep. Is that because stressed out going to the hairdressers. I do. I was up all night. I had two hours 40 sleep. Is that because you were going to the hairdressers? Because I was stressed about going to the hairdressers. Why? Does it hurt? No, it just upsets me.

Why? I find it too vain. What do you mean? I find it hard to even ask for anything. Yeah, but if you find it too vain, why the fuck are you going to Tony and Guy? Because that's the nearest one to my house. No, it's because it's swanky,

swanky, it's because I work in the media. You've got to go there. Go just, go gentleman's one. Go, I tell you what, come down Wimbledon. We'll have a day out. I'll take you down to Fockers. If I go to gentleman's or Barber's with this hair, they'll go, can't do your hair.

You've got girl's hair. They won't, mate. It could be more embarrassing because I did, I fell asleep. That's amazing. Like a little animal. You're like a little cat. No, there's a bad thing to this though what she was quite soothing the way she was talking to me and she was like massaging my head yeah and stuff you know and like sort of kissing my neck and she had like she had a top off and was resting her boobs on my shoulders oh you've gone through a prostitute right well either way she was brilliant yeah and she's all sexy and that and going oh do you like that do you like that? Do you like that?

And then she's like, got my hand and just put it, she just put it between her legs while she's doing it. And hey, I'm not messing, right? And I don't want to be crude in a podcast. I'm soaking, mate. She was soaking. You don't want to be crude in a podcast, but she was fucking soaking, mate.

She was clearly really enjoying it. Right. Was she hairy? No, no. Because quite a lot of the time, hairdressers, they don't look after their own no she wasn't at all she was like pretty much completely yeah but anyway what genuinely happened though i fell asleep yeah i could even feel myself falling asleep i had that

thing which you probably don't know because you don't drive yet but sometimes when you're driving late at night yeah you're that tired you actually think in your head i could probably have about 30 seconds kick yeah when you get that to like that desperate and it was that and I thought I could probably have about

a few seconds kick she won't know and then I woke up with a fart got a nice fart in the chair

wet myself up you woke yourself up with a fart yeah in the hairdressers with my friend bet she wasn't wet for very much

longer so well thank you for complimenting my hair. I feel bad now, because earlier on, remember, I said about your teeth and you did whiten them. Yeah. The reason I said that, by the way, they don't, they're beautiful. The reason I said that was because I looked at them and I thought how white they were. Oh, thanks, mate. And then I thought it was a cheap joke. It's because I've been, I've not had them whiten,

I've just been brushing them. Oh, right. But I've probably not brushed them for about, like, a day. Right. Because my toothbrush broke the other day. My toothbrush broke? Yeah. I was just brushing with it, it snapped. Did you have it in a sock, did you? What? Did you have for about a day. Right. Because my toothbrush broke the other day. Your toothbrush broke? Yeah, I was just brushing with it. It snapped. Did you have it in a sock, did you? What?

Did you have it in a sock? No. Electric toothbrush in a sock. Emergency for an hotel. Oh! In an hotel, you forgot your real one. What? Like a lady popped an electric toothbrush in a sock.

That's not an accepted homemade vibrator. I know at least one girl that did that. But is that like a thing they would talk about on like Luke's Women's City? Yeah, like, oh Samantha,

you put your electric toothbrush in your sock. No, maybe. Maybe. I don't watch Sex and the City. I find it abhorrent. With a sock. Isn't that just a bit,

it's not that fun is it? I know, not one of your socks. What? They use one of their own. Yeah. No doubt, but it just doesn't sound

like it would work. I don't think it's the texture that's the thing with those, though. I think it's mainly the actual vibration. Yeah, but you're just ramming it. No, I don't think they put it in a sock and then pop the whole thing up themselves. Right, it's just around it. Just on the... But they're not sticking the whole sock up there.

Just on the old love knob. Well, why bother with the sock, then? Cleanliness and that. It's an electric toothbrush. You can't get cleaner than that. You don't want to get... There might be some toothpaste still on it, and you don't want to get that on. Well, use the end. Do you know an electric toothbrush. You can't get cleaner than that. You don't want to get, there might be some toothpaste still on it and you don't want to get that on.

Well, use the end. Do you know what? They probably do want to get that on them. They do. Tingle. Yeah, I remember having cock rub that was like that. It was like toothpaste. Told you.

Yeah, but that's what it was called, cock rub from. Yeah, from Aquafresh. No, I think it was Ann Summers, which I wouldn't normally shop at, but I went to Ann Summers and got some cock rub. Some cock rub. And you rub it on your cock. Yeah, do you? Yeah, when you've got a bunk on and you feel randy.

Yeah. You rub it on your cock and that, and it gives it all tingles and that. I mean, it's a pain in the arse, I'll be honest with you. If you get it on the arse. Yeah. I mean, that's an horrible feeling, that. Yeah, yeah.

It's like that. Have you ever had a vibrating butt plug? If you've ever had a vibrating butt plug in, right? Perfectly nice feeling. You pointed at your mouth when you said that. No, ever had a vibrating butt plug? If you've ever had a vibrating butt plug in, right, perfectly nice feeling. You pointed at your mouth when you said that. No, you pop it in your bum. Do you ever use a vibrating butt plug as an emergency electric toothbrush? If you're in a hotel.

Yeah, sometimes in a hotel. I will use a vibrating butt plug just to clean my teeth. Yeah. Because I've got a toothbrush. Yeah, it does work both ways. Anything vibrating near or into your bum, then after we take it out afterwards, it's gone. Your bum goes on going,

oh, I'm not used to this. What? It goes on vibrating. Oh, it vibrates on its own, okay. Like quivering. Yeah, quivering, yeah. See, you have had it, you can tell. Quivering.

By the use of that word, head, nose. I just know some words. You've always had things up your bum, yeah. Got to pick up my bum now. Yeah, do you know why? Because you're a gay. That's what it means, mate. It means you're a gay, mate, if you have things in your bum. Does it? I've never understood that. What people say, mate. Yeah. I've never understood when men have a reticence to anything in their

bum. Like, because they go, oh, it's gay now, mate. Right? It's not gay if a girl has a finger in your bum. Yeah. That's not gay. Do you know why? Because it's a girl. That's all there is to it. Yeah, yeah. If it's a girl doing it, it's not gay. Some men say things like one-way traffic, don't they? One-way traffic, one-way traffic. But I don't understand why it's... Exit, exit, not entrance. Yeah, exit only.

Yeah. I don't understand why it's more disgusting to have something put in your bum than pooing out old food. Yeah, yeah. That is all I do with my bum, mate. I'm perfectly clean, just normal bloke, right? I just, I eat food

and then it all, it goes like horrible and off in my stomach and then I poo it out in a brown paste. Basically. It all comes out my arse in a brown paste.

I push rotting food out my arse in a brown paste. That's all I do, mate. And then I get, I get a little bit of flimsy sort of tissue paper. Yeah.

And I shove my hand right up there. Yeah, I sort of there and wipe it up, smear it off. I wipe it, but often, you know, it's not really cleaning it, is it? It's more of a gesture to social etiquette. But I'll tell you what, right?

Yeah. If a fucking woman comes to me, right, with her fingers going, I'm going to pop that in, I'll be like, fuck, you get the fuck away. Do not sully the place

where I push my rotting food out. You bloody woman with your finger. I'm not a gay. Putting your woman finger at me. I'm just the normal shit factory. Nothing wrong with being a gay, anyway. Hello, hello. You know that, don't you? Why?

Because you're a big gay. Can't get you to my hair. Why? I had loads of it and now there's hardly any of it. I've dated... Well, they've cut the bottom off a bit, haven't they? Ooh. Yeah.

There wasn't... There's only one woman. Was it like loads of people with shears? No, no, no. Just one woman did it. They've taken some of the weight out of it as well, haven't they? Oh, come on, mate. You did have fat hair.

Oh, you've got quite fat hair as well. Oh, thanks. Nobody's mentioned your haircut. You've had your haircut. Oh, you've got quite fat hair as well. No, thanks. Nobody's mentioned your haircut. You've had your haircut. Yeah, but it's not, you know, nothing. Yours looks a bit more like the Beatles or something. It doesn't look like the Beatles. You look like the Beatles.

Right, do you know who you look like? Who? John and George. You know who you look like? Paul and Ringo, the Alive Ones. Thank you. Paul and Ringo. Yeah, the Alive Ones.

The Alive Ones I look like. Bit in a sack. Oh. With a beard drawn on. I do look a bit like that. Yeah. sack. Oh. With a beard drawn on. I do look a bit like that. Yeah. No, it's hard to get used to.

Is it noticeable weight-wise? Like, do you feel like you can move your head more? Yeah, I wasn't stopping me moving my head. No, no, but I mean... I wasn't unrestricted movement. I mean, does it feel like every time you turn your head now, it's like, whoa, that's faster than normal? No, do you know what? Because Andre Agassi shaved his head and said it made him faster.

Yeah. I mean, he was probably talking absolute shit. But what I would say is, I would say that when I flip my head like that, when I just turn it side to side, I feel more attractive. Do you? I feel like girls are looking at me. Right. That's what I feel like.

It's just me and you in this room. I know, but I feel like girls are looking at me. They're not. I'll tell you, they're not. I feel like they're looking at me and going, ooh, he's a bit more right, isn't he? Oh, I wouldn't mind that. Right.

He's made a start on the treadmill. Yeah. I mean, he's a long way to go, but you can see that he's getting... He's getting... Oh, he's all right. His tits are still quite flabby, but you can feel that they're a bit harder underneath.

Yeah. From all them press-ups he's always doing. He's had his hair cut as well. He's had his hair cut, so it won't get in our mouths when we're kissing. If I'm on top of her... Yeah. Like, in the bed

yeah i mean like she's let me do it then my hair hopefully won't too much go too much in that problem yeah and also hair goes up your bum don't it have hair this long you suddenly find it's gone down your back bits of it bits of it bits of it are pulled out it's true this bits of it pulled out you've been walking about yeah they've gone all the way down your back to your bum crack. Right. They've worked their way into your bum crack

and actually will go up your bum. That's not true. That is genuinely true. Ask anyone with long hair, right? Right. Right. Someone confirmed for me.

They might not admit it but I've asked girls about it. Right. It's genuinely true. It will actually work into your bum and you actually, when you're washing your bum

and that, a lot of bumming today's show. Yeah. When you're washing your bum in the shower and your bum's cracking that, getting it all clean, you'll feel the hair and you actually pull it and you can feel it pulling out. Is that nice? Actually out of your bum.

It's a relief. Yeah. It's a relief. I wouldn't say nice, necessarily. What if you pulled it and pulled it and then your lung came out on the end of it? I often remember that. And that wasn't the hair, it was your lung string. Yeah.

But you're not. I think, I was was about you know i have kidney problems every now and again yeah and i was thinking no but it might it might be from that time when i put that uva up my bum what i'm worried that when i put the uva up my bum yeah to try and get the hair out yeah yeah it caught my kidneys and it stretched them down it stretched the string that your kidneys are on i wonder if that's what i've done wrong it might be mate why were we not allowed or asked to be on Let's Dance for Comic Relief? I don't know, mate.

I'm livid about it. Loads of comics have been on it who just don't deserve to be on it. Oh, come on. That's true, though, isn't it? They all deserve to be on it because they're wonderful dancers. They all deserve to be on it because they'll do it. Yeah. We would have done it.

We wouldn't have done it. We would have done it. Lip-hop fatty we would have done. We wouldn't have done lip-hop fatty. Lip-hop fatty, aye. hop fatty eye lip hop fatty fatty reggae because we've got our own dance but no one can see that dance yeah but they can understand that i'm doing a dance right we moved it at one of the emergency broadcasts yeah we'll do that dance cover relief yeah i mean i know it's slight for africa yeah and and britain apparently britain as well but they're not the poster boys no they're not the poster boys. No, they're not the poster boys.

The drugs in Britain aren't the poster boys, right? It's mainly the orders not got enough food in Africa, aren't they? Yeah. The ones that are on the posters. Which is fine. Yeah. Is that not embarrassing enough that there's famine in 2011? Yeah.

Is that not embarrassing enough? Yeah. Without people dressing up as women and dancing about? Like men dressing up as women and dancing about. Like men dressing up as women and dancing about. That's always my problem with... Wearing lycra. With charity, with comment relief and stuff in general. It's just, I appreciate

that you give money to things. Yeah. Try and sort things out. It never sorts it out, does it? But at least give it a go. But why does people have to make an idiot out of themselves? Well, I think I am easily as likely to give money if they just tell me as a grown-up. What's going on?

If they say, listen, this is what's happening. There are people literally starving to death. Yeah. They're starving to death. They're malnourished. They're in agony. Yeah. Babies are dying.

I mean, it's horrible all around. I won't go, no, no, I'm not giving any money to that. And they go, all right, then I'm not giving any money to that. And they go, all right then, this is Jared Christmas. He's got lycra on, he's going to do a funny dance for you. I go, oh, right, well then, there's five pounds then. If Jared Christmas will do a funny dance, rest his Madonna, please.

I don't know who that is affecting. No. I mean, who it's affecting to give money. But I tell you what, I think we would have been brilliant on it. And I know a lot of this is to do with professional jealousy. Yeah, and? A lot of this is like,

oh, there's Russell Kane on there. I toured with Russell Kane. He was the new one. And that tour that I was on, me, Russell Howard, Reg Deonta and Russell Kane. Russell Kane was the new one.

I was the middle one, right? And they're all, all of them are all over the bloody telly now. And I'm sat here with you. Oh, what? Doing the fat podcast. For free, for no money.

This, right, this, mate, is my idea. Next year, we do Let's Dance for Comic Relief. Comic Relief's every other year. Right, next year,

we have a year off. Yeah. Just have a rest from our careers. Yeah, that's fine. And plot what we're going to do the next year. Right. Next year... We have a year off. We have a year off. Yeah. Just have a rest from our careers. Yeah, that's fine. And plot what we're going to do the next year. Right. We do Let's Dance for Comic Relief. Because we have to, right?

Because we have put on a lot of weight. Because we are also doing the crisp thing. The what thing? The crisp thing that Al Murray and Frank Skinner's have been doing. Oh, we're doing that, are we? Yeah. At the next Comic Relief? Yeah.

Oh, well, that does put a different style on it. We are getting our own flavour, because this year they are doing Steak and Ale Pie, Jimmy Con Carney, Frank Roast Dinner, and Stephen Fry. Not quite as good that one. I will do that, because I know we were criticising the way that Comet Reef works before, but I think that's brilliant. And how good of Walker's Crisps to give literally all their profits. Ah, no. No, because they're a massive multi-million company, so for a fewps to give literally all their profits. Ah, no. No, because they're a massive multi-million company. So for a few weeks they can give all their profits.

No, some of the profits. And how nice that their crisps... So the crisps they're doing for charity, it's not even... It's not all for profit, no. Not all the profit? No, it's just some of it. No, that's fine. They can cover the cost of their potatoes and packaging.

No, no, no. No, because I think they're just giving some of the profit. Oh, right. Well, that's more like an advert for Walker's Crisps, really, isn't it? Sort of, yeah. But Jimmy Conkarni. No, that is a very clever joke. Yeah, so maybe you'd think about it.

What one are you going to have? Egg Hamble. Egg Hamble. Yeah. Neither of those is your name. That doesn't work. No, but it sounds like my name. It's a pun.

No, but that's not what they do, though, is it? Egg Hamble. They use a bit of the comedian's name. Yeah, Ed. Eh, that bit. No, you have to use either Ed or, is it? They use a bit of the comedian's name. Yeah, Ed, that bit. No, you've got to use either Ed or Gamble. Right, Egg Gamble. Egg Gamble.

Yeah. It's better than Frank Rose Dinner, I'll give you that. Egg Gamble is going to be your flavour. Egg would be Egg, yeah. Or Ed Hamble. Ed Hamble. Yeah. What's a Hamble?

Ham. Ham ball. Like a ball at a Ham ball. But a Ham ball isn't. Ham ball. A ham, like a ball, a ham ball. But a ham ball isn't a thing. It is. You know when you get a ham, and a big ham, and you screw it up into a ball. Yeah, and then you make it into a ball, yeah, of course, yeah. It's sort of like a ham cigar. You're right, that is a meal. Alright, Ed Hamble Cigar. No, you can't, that's not anything. Ed Hamble Cigar. Ed Ham Cigar. Ed Ham Cigar. Ray Peacock Aliki. Is it like Cock-a-leaky?

Peacock-a-leaky. Peacock-a-leaky. Yeah, that's my one. I've got one for you. Hay Peacock. Hay Peacock? Yeah, it tastes like... Hay flavoured crisps?

No, like a peacock's hutch. What? Like the hay at the bottom of a peacock's hutch. Flavoured crisps? Yeah. No, I don't think you're getting this. I don't think you're understanding how this works. Right.

Sting Ray Peacock. Sting Ray Peacock? Yeah. Stingray peacock. Stingray peacock? Yeah. Stingray flavoured... Stingray and peacock flavoured crisp. Mate, again, you're getting this completely wrong. Why? X-ray peacock.

And it's just ready salted, but it's a see-through bag. That's a good idea, mate. See-through bag's a good idea. That's going to cost walkers a fortune, given that they're swallowing all the profits. Egg. Wood. Oh, God.

Egg, wood, jam bowl. Jam bowl. Egg, wood, jam bowl. You know when bowl, jam, bowl, egg, wood, jam, bowl. You know when you get, you know when you go home for your tea to your mum's? No, I left my mum's house when I was 16. No, you go back, right, for your tea sometimes, right? Yeah. In your car when you're having your car fixed.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, so it's a nice little bonus, isn't it? Oh, she pushes through on me. Your mum goes, do you want your favourite tea? And you go, yes please mum. Do you want your favorite tea and you go yes please mum do you remember what it is she goes oh yes egg wood jam bowl um and she gets the egg she chops it up with a wood and like the chippings from the um playground mixes it all up with the egg raw egg fries that in like an omelette big bowl of jam put that in the middle of it and you dip the egg in the wood in the jam right egg wood jam bowl and you and you've always said haven't

you ever since you're a little nipper, you've said, I wish this was in a crisp. I mean, how you've made me feel about the crisps idea is how I was already feeling about Let's Dance for Commentary. Which is, do you know what? Yeah. It'd be kinder to let them fucking starve. Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed

by Ray Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies, except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidewitters. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a Ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk. See you next week.