The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 64

Episode Date: April 19, 2020

"Episode 64" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 65 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hello and welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Whoop whoop! Party in the house, party over here. Party over there. Let's go to party. And shake your dairy air. Brilliant mate, you've immediately slipped in. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Dairy air. Brilliant, mate. You've immediately slipped in. Whoop, there it is.

Whoop, there it is. Hit me. But anyway, I am Ray Peacock. This is the party episode, mate. No, Ray Party Peacock. And I am Ed Get to the Party Gamble. Yeah. I am Ray Party Peacock, and that is Ed Get to the Party Gamble.

And this is the Peacock and Party Gamble podcast party. It's like a riffle, isn't it? You've got a nice party t-shirt on there, hasn't it? I do have a nice party t-shirt, mate. It's blue, or is that aqua? It's bright blue, isn't it, really? Bright aqua. Aqua, maybe.

Aqua blue, yeah. Yeah, with a polar bear on it. It's got a wolf on the front. Polar bear. And the wolf is wearing sunglasses. It's a polar bear wearing sunglasses. Ray-Ban's them. Ray-Ban's wayfarers, them.

And it says, let's get wild, wild, wild. I'm just saying about the sunglasses. Well, I think it is this lovely polar let's get wild, wild, wild. I'm just saying about the sunglasses. Well, I think it is this lovely polar bear, isn't it? You're right. I'm saying about the sunglasses. Sorry, mate? Ray-Bans Wayfarers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, whatever. So, welcome to the episode.

No, but then I can mention mine and get them tax deductible. You can't get tax deductible just by mentioning them. I can. Hey, this podcast wouldn't have happened if I hadn't bought my new sunglasses. It would have done. It wouldn't have happened. We just would have talked about something else. No, Ray- wouldn't have happened if I hadn't bought my new sunglasses. It would have done. It wouldn't have happened. We just would have talked about something else. No.

Ray-Bans. Ray-Bans. The gentleman's choice. Yeah, big uncle podcast. Sponsored by Ray-Bans. For the smooth look on the face. Does it count as advertising something if you make up a slogan? I don't know.

Do you know what? Could somebody just say, could we just start saying that our podcast is sponsored if they haven up a slogan? I don't know. Do you know what? Could somebody just say, could we just start saying that our podcast is sponsored, if they haven't sponsored it? We should have a new sponsor every week. Yeah, alright then. And then see if we can get like funds in lieu of saying that. In lieu of it. I mean, don't put our funds in the loo.

Please don't put our funds in the loo, thank you. It's weird, isn't it, how we're coming full circle. Yeah. We're trying to get free stuff back. I've done that before, it's fucking difficult. In a different way, I have as well, when it just goes all the way over the top of your body,

round through your legs and just splats on your balls. I have come full circle as well. That's what you meant, isn't it? Oh, God, I'm tired. Welcome to the show. Sorry for all this product placement, but we have to do it

to get our loo funds. Ray-Bans. Oh, I'm tuckered out. You're tuckered, are you? I think I am tuckered right out. Why? Very busy. We're very busy boys, aren't we?

Yeah. Somebody said on one of our internet things the other day, somebody said, oh, I hope you're enjoying your week off. I said, it's not a week off, just because there's no podcast. Yeah. There's no podcast because there was no time.

Yeah. Not a week off, you great wazzock. You big bloody wazzock. We're tuckered, we are. We're bushed. We are tuckered and bushed here at the moment. Yeah, we've whacked a bush, haven't we? Yeah, I didn't wrestle that one last night.

Yeah, you don't. Some podcast fans there, actually. Yeah? Spoke to me before. I mentioned you in the introduction and you got a whoop. I got a whoop? Yep, got a whoop. Off who?

Who gave me a whoop? I don't know. From where I was stood, it was like, it was stage, left, and then off a bit. Well, I'm glad you let them do that whoop. I don't know, from where I was stood it was like, it was stage left and then off a bit. Well, I'm glad you let them do that whoop, because ladies and gentlemen, usually Ray bans whooping. Yeah, that's right. Ray does ban it. I don't know where to say that.

Ray bans the whooping. I bans the whooping. Yeah, and I think you should let them whoop, because that is way fairer. Yeah, I am way fairer when I do. Ray bans whooping, but it is way fairer to let them whoop because that is way fairer yeah it's i am way fairer when i do ray band's whooping but it's way fairer to let them that's good we'll just write in with that and say that's another one of the adverts we do we do we even do it like subtly in conversation

yeah so don't worry about that i've been watching there's another advert i've been watching larry sanders i watched i watched 20 episodes last night oh you're bloody mental, mate. Back to back. You've got square eyes, I can tell. No, no, that's not, they're not my eyes. What are they? They're bloody lovely, whatever they are. I thought he's got

lovely square eyes. They're my Ray-Bans with, my new Ray-Bans with polarised lenses. Well, on my T-shirt, I don't know if you've noticed, it's a polar bear and do you like

his little eyes, his polar eyes? Yeah, he has the polar eyes, doesn't he? I mean, I thought, hey, it's another £40 for do you like his little eyes his polar eyes his polar eyes his polar eyes I mean I thought hey it's another 40 pounds for polar eyes lenses

but then I put them on and thought that is brilliant aren't Ray Bans brilliant for doing that with the glasses yeah I don't know why

I'm advertising them now when I've spent the money on them you get this money back if they find out about this mate and Larry Sanders no point promoting

that is there not because I bought it yeah you bought it already you might get some money off Gary Shandling maybe Maybe. It's one of the few things I've bought off Amazon recently that they've bothered fucking delivering. Right, mate.

Come on. No, they've been terrible. No, mate. What? Get some shit off them as well. I won't get any shit off Amazon, mate. I've spent literally thousands of pounds on Amazon. Yeah. Thousands and thousands. In the last year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thousands of pounds. Yeah. And now all of a sudden they can't deliver comic books anymore. That's a shame. Because their supplier, oh, yeah. Thousands of pounds? Yeah. And now all of a sudden they can't deliver comic books anymore.

That's a shame. Because their supplier, oh, our supplier hasn't provided that. Well, change your fucking supplier, you stupid wallies. Yeah, he got so upset he started crying, but he had to go out, so how was he going to stop people knowing that he was crying? Pop on his Ray-Bans, Wayfarers. Wayfarers, for the depressed gentleman who has things to do. So what sort of stuff have we been

busy with? I can't remember. I've blocked a lot of it out. Emergency broadcast we done didn't we? We done that yeah. We done that at

King's Place. Lots of fun for all the family on and off. Lots of fun on and off. Lots of people very supportive.

Thank you for coming all the people that came. People afterwards on Twitter and that hey well I loved it loved it. And we're going

well maybe I think you over liked it maybe. It was all right, but it was touching in some places. But then there's one little bloke on Twitter, isn't there? There's one little bloke.

He's the one that we're taking notice of. He's just chipping away at us. He's not said anything yet. No, but you can see he's got an opinion ready to release. Oh, you can see that he's waiting to say something. Yeah, yeah. The first thing he said was on the PGB Live one,

where he said, how did you guys think it went tonight? Which is my least favourite question. Yeah, I know, I know. I know. I don't know why you're asking. So I held off that. Yeah, yeah, same.

Held off that one. Then I got onto my personal one. Yeah. Which said, how do you think the show went the other night? Did you leave anything out when you were writing it? Yeah, sort of. And I was like,

well, he's clearly, what's he waiting to say? Like, I'm going to go, like what? And he's going to go, jokes, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm not going to go like what and he's going to go jokes ha ha ha ha ha I'm not going to fall for that you won't fool me with that

so I just said to him not watched it back yet what did you have not no nothing flummoxed him nothing back yet checkmate peacock

imagine now if he just waits for like two weeks and then just writes jokes yeah jokes is what he left out thanks for checking yeah we had a few little

technical issues didn't we yeah not least of all that the sound man didn't know that sound was meant to come out of the speaker

he thought it'd be enough I bet he watched it brilliantly I bet he had headphones on I bet he had lovely and all the sound was like this is an amazing show

wow look at this show wow they should play this why is everyone why is everyone craning towards that speaker they should play this they should play this sound to everyone. He didn't do it on purpose, but it was quite late in the day for technical stuff. And our lighting man, Tom, was fantastic as always, so he didn't get it wrong.

Yeah, but you can't make sounds come out of lights. How hard do you try, Tom? I think part of the problem with when we make stuff, I mean, what we'll say in our defence is we've done now four and a half hours of material in 30 days. Yeah, it's alright, isn't it? Yeah, that should be four years. Yeah. Strictly speaking, from comedy rules. Yeah. But it was a fun night, though, I think.

It was a great fun night, mate. We enjoyed ourselves, didn't we? Yeah. What happens when we rehearse it sometimes is we rehearse it and go, that's a brilliant bit, and then we rehearse another bit and go, that's a brilliant bit, that's great. Yeah. And then we don't work out how those two bits fit together. Yeah, or how we're going to get to the next bit. Yeah. And we don't take into account, yeah, but I've got to dress as a vicar. That's a brilliant bit. That's great. And then we don't work out how those two bits fit together. Yeah, or how we're going to

get to the next bit. Yeah, and we don't say things will count. Yeah, but I've got to dress as a vicar in between them once. It's all right. Ed will fill. Yeah, exactly.

But apologies to everyone as well about the vicar. He's still on the run. He is still on the run, isn't he? See, I only just thought, this was another thing I only just thought about.

We'll tell them what happened with the vicar. A vicar. Because I'm not sure, the vicar A vicar. Because I'm not sure the vicar is so underrun I'm not sure he'll be making another appearance. No, I want to imagine

you wondering the way he laboured the point. Silly old vicar didn't work out what he was going to say. What a daft vicar. He had all that time

when he was convalescing in an hospital after banging his head. Yeah. And yet, he still felt the need to just type out what he was going to say the night before and put it on his iPad

and hide it behind a lectern. Silly old vicar. Silly old vicar. Well, he went around... His lovely costume. He collected some money, didn't he, from everyone? Yeah, collection plate. And then he ran off.

Yeah. And I really didn't think about this. The vicar... Ew. ...still got that money. No, I've not. No, he's not still got it. Has he not?

No. Because remember when he was collecting on the collecting plate and he went, it's for Africa. Yeah. It's for the church roof. Yeah. And then I imagine when he came on the stage, he thought, right, well, I will just give that money to charity.

Right. You know, because I've just stolen £14. £14. He done well. Yeah. He done well out of it, right? Yeah. £14, right?

Yeah. Because the first bloke who had done it obviously panicked and threw all the money from his pocket on the train. Yeah. So the vicar probably thought, oh, I will give that money to charity. Yeah. Then one thing or another happened, and he ended up in the bar after the tray. So the vicar probably thought, oh, I'll give him all his charity. Yeah. Then one thing or another happened

and he ended up in the bar after the show. Didn't want to break a 20. No. Why break a 20? Yeah, so... Silly old vicar.

What a stupid drunk old vicar in the bar afterwards. Felt a bit stressed. Yeah. Starting necking Peronis. For what?

Raybans. Tell you the other reason I'm tired as well. Why mate? It's because last night, well this morning, when I was asleep. Yeah. God, I had some nice sexy dreams going on. Did that make you tired? Yeah, there was one of the ones, this girl there.

We were in a dressing room and she was was all like tiny, tiny little thing. Like a little borrower? Beautiful little face on her. Arrietty, four. Little dwarf. Beautiful, gorgeous face. Put her in your pocket. And I don't know, and we just met her, and we were like, we were just like, hanging about

the dressing room, but we were touching each other like, like we couldn't help it. Right. And then we just did a tiny little kiss. Yeah. On her little. That's all that happened in the dream by the way right but more was gonna happen

right more would have happened yeah I woke up later oh you could tell it was on the way why'd you wake up not that

why do I bide my time in the dream yeah just get straight in there get straight in there it's a dream you do what you want you cut out all that time and then you can just be

but she was absolutely beautiful you could cut out that time and then just get straight to proper kissing yeah and holding hands yeah see right and she kissed me and she went oh she went oh god i'm being stupid and i went yeah we'll both be stupid and she went no because i've got a girlfriend as well i mean you've got a girlfriend and she went yeah i can't believe i'm kissing a butcher

ruined it i don't know why i was a butcher all of a sudden i always self-sabotage dreams like that as well mate yeah but always towards the end because I'm very aware it's a dream. Yeah. Towards the end, I just think, oh, she is fitting my dream. It'd be horrible if half her face fell off, and then it does. Oh, really? Yeah. That's dark.

Yeah. I don't know how things like that happen. No, but I'd think, what would ruin this? No, that's weird, don't you? And then it would happen. No, that's weird. Because you control who dreams least of dreaming. You need a Rorschach test, mate, but a quick one.

I'll tell you what, she was so pretty, though. She was so lovely and sweet and that. Tiny. And I'd created her in my head. Did you wake up and draw her? No, I woke up and missed her. Oh, really? Yeah, I know what you mean.

I'm like that with the half-face lady. Dare say you are missing your little two-face. Yeah, and my lovely Harvey Dent. Yeah. I think what you should do, right, is next time you have a dream about her or a lovely girl that you have created in your head, you should wake up and draw her on your iPad

and then go on a year-long quest to find her. That's a good idea, isn't it? Edinburgh show. Brilliant Edinburgh show. Edinburgh show, isn't it? Yeah, you should call it Dave Gorman's Dream Girl. I think I will call it Dave Gorman's Dream Girl. Yeah, I wonder where she is now.

I wonder if she does exist. I bet she does, but the world's big, isn't it? So think of all the people in the world, probably someone looking pretty similar to that. But she's got to have a girlfriend and all the things... Oh, she's got to have a girlfriend and you've got to be a butcher. Yeah, get a crap on with that. Yeah.

I had it when I was younger. I think I mentioned it on the podcast before. I had it when I was younger. I watched the film Ten, the Bo Derek film. mentioned it on the podcast before. I had it when I was younger. I once had it. I watched the film 10. Yeah. The Bo Derek film. Yeah. And it was the first time I'd seen Bo Derek. Yeah. I remember probably when I was seven or eight.

Yeah. And absolutely mesmerised by it. And I had a dream about that night that we were in love and that things were going on and a relationship. And actually, the next day, I went round to the spa shop, which was round the corner from where it's not even there anymore. It's houses now. It's probably knocked down.

Yeah. But there was a payphone there round the corner. Yeah. And I actually spent an hour ringing made- numbers trying to just yeah but it was a good finder that's heartbreaking i know a little child just trying to ring around going yeah it's boderic i thought i thought i was so optimistic i thought yeah maybe if i keep doing it yeah my love is so deep eventually I will just get the right number that's true it cost me a fortune that's a shame

it was like two people that's a shame I was similarly in love with Terry Hatcher from the New Adventures of Superman used to have dreams about her

and also once had a dream where I was best friends with Jonathan Morris from Bread oh really and woke up going I wish I was friends with him

with Jonathan Morris yeah because I saw him in Pantomime he was Buttons, and they did a bit where they went, hit the hut, and someone did it a bit late, and they all laughed.

Yeah, brilliant. And I thought, he seems like a right nice bloke. Yeah, and he'd done Franka for it, didn't he, as well? Yeah. For a while in Rocky Horror. Yeah.

I imagine you could probably be friends with him now, if you want. I'll give him a shout. I reckon he listens to this. Yeah, Jonathan Morris, off Bread, played Adrian on Bread. Isn't that right? What's Adrian, wasn't it?

I only really knew him from the Panto, but I guess people know him from Bread. Pretty sure he was Adrian on Bread isn't that right it was Adrian wasn't it I only really knew him from the panto but I guess people know him from Bread pretty sure he was Adrian in Bread right the sort of studious very sensitive one

yeah give us a show I've got a young lad here he wants to be friends with you if you know Bo Derek bring her over as well because I've got I've got another lad here

I don't think it's basically it's his seven year old self so I don't think he'll even try anything I think what he'll just do is sort of sit at her feet and make her read him stories.

If you're going to bode out, that'll be handy because I'm literally running out of two peas in this payphone. Don't forget the emergency broadcast at King's Place. On the 26th of May 2011.

Yeah, none in April, unfortunately. No. Well, unfortunately for you. Yeah. More fortunately for us. Yeah. Because we're getting quite close to announcing our tour dates. Yeah, we've got loads of them, mate.

We've got quite a lot in pre-Edinburgh. Pre-Edinburgh, so pre-August. We've got Edinburgh finalised for a venue, but we're not going to announce that just yet. No. But we know where it's going to be. It's going to be in Edinburgh. Yep. And we know what time it's going to be.

We know what time it's going to be at. Set your alarms, everyone. And we've got a few in for after Edinburgh at the moment. We're waiting on a few more for after Edinburgh. Yeah. And some uni ones as well. And then we'll announce it. And then we'll announce the tour And then we'll announce the tour.

So we're not far off. But what we should explain, because some people might go, oh, I'm just going to wait for the tour. And that is fine. Yeah. But the King's Place shows are the longer shows. Yeah. They're the tour shows.

They're the bumper packs. Now, sure, with that is also the risk of a lot of padding. Yeah. And a lot of, like, you know, we'll be honest, we are trying stuff out at those shows so there's that element of it but the tour show

will be the polished finished show yeah but you won't get any of the sort of the fun unique scrappy experience oh on the tour you won't get any of the shit

no on the tour you'll just get no I'm trying to make the key point on the tour you'll just get like what we've boiled it down to the essence of it just the really sort of

sticky shit syrup. The very strong shit syrup. Whereas if you come to King's Place, you'll have to sit through... You get a lot of water and lumps of shit. Pissy shit. So I think we've advertised that quite well. Yeah, so come now.

King's Place.co.uk 26th of May. 23rd May 23rd 23rd of June but to be honest with you we'll be happy with you coming anywhere yeah

at any point to see us because we're not that popular sure we have our fans we have our loyal fans and you're all you're all appreciated please never think that you're not yeah

but gotta wish you knew more people get more friends and also while we're doing admin yeah all appreciated. Please never think that you're not. Yeah. But gotta wish you knew more people. Get more friends. And also while we're doing admin. Yeah. I'm just going to reiterate something. Right.

I don't think I could have made it clearer than I did in the last podcast. Right. I do want Muppet stuff. Right.

When I was saying about the pigs in space that I need Link Hogfrog and Doctor Strange book. Yeah. I mean that. And no one sent you anything mate. When I was saying about the pigs in space, that I need Link, Hogfrog and Doctor Strange book, I mean that. And no one sent you anything, mate.

Oh, people sent me links for me to buy them. Oh, right. As if I'd not thought of that already. I know I can buy them on eBay. I know I can buy them online and that. You want someone else to buy them for you. I don't want to do that. I want somebody to get them for me. You've got too much Muppet stuff already.

You can't have too much Muppet stuff. You can. That's going to break that chest of drawers or whatever it is. How's that a chest of drawers? What would be the main

ingredient in a chest of drawers? Well, you've taken out the drawers. I would say drawers. No, that's not. It's a bookcase. I know. I lost the word.

It's a bookcase. I put them lights in myself, them silver lights. That's Muppet Corner. We'll maybe take a picture of Muppet Corner for you and put it on the PeacockandGamble.com. Yeah, and you can tell me if you think that's too much Muppet.

Bear in mind that part of the attraction of the Muppets was the whole sort of pile in or everything all mushed in together. Yeah. So that's why that's beautiful, that corner. Right. Because it is all just flung in there. Yeah. It looks great. No, you've organised it well. And look at my Muppet busts on the top. I've got eight Muppet busts. I've got Sam Eagle, Rolf the Dog, Scooter, Fuzzy Bear, Kermit, Dr. Teeth and Statler and Waldorf.

Yeah. I'm saying that now because I know that there are some Muppet busts available on eBay at the moment. Yeah. And I'm thinking, if somebody wants to get me a Muppet bust, don't get any of them ones. Right, okay. I've got Rolf twice. Right. So don't get me any of them ones.

But if you are looking at stuff, then that would be a good gift as well. And my birthday's coming up in June. Yeah. End of at stuff then that would be a good gift as well and my birthday's coming up in June yeah end of June so that'd be another good time to buy it

you know one bloke sent me a picture of him with Dr. Strangepot figure in his mouth

and said it was like a hostage situation and I thought oh that's quite funny he's going to send it to me no I'm not

no he wouldn't no because you know what it's his yeah it's his. Yeah. It's his, and it's people's money,

and they... You know what? Some people don't have the money to buy someone they've never met who does a podcast that they probably just quite like. They don't have the money to buy them a toy, like an expensive toy,

and send it in a jiffy bag. Well, I can't get the ones from America. You can only get Link Hogg from America. I'm not buying it from eBay America and then paying import taxes. Somebody buy it me in America. Alright, I'll give you the money for it.

Buy it in America and send it to me as a gift. You've got to write gift on it. You know what, mate? You might just have to live without it. You might just have to live without a figure of a pig. Do you think you can do that? Age 37? Maybe I've not got the time.

Maybe I've not got the time or the money to be giving up all of these hours doing talking. Doing all this talking. And then you just toddle off home, you. Yeah, I know. I'll just nip home and have another fucking eat out. I'll have another dinner in a restaurant.

And I'm in the little in the pokey little office there. It's pokey because you've got a massive pig's head from Star Wars in there. Right, I mean, that's... What's your problem? All you want is plastic pigs. You're mental. I'm in the pig's office, I'm editing it all. I bet even as I listen back to this while I'm editing, I bet I start crying now. So I'm like, oh, they won't even buy me.

They won't even get me anything from the Muppets. And I'm doing all this work. And some people do. Some people do get us stuff. And they're our best fans. At the live show the other night, Matt Warren brought us and he upped the game. He did.

He wrote lovely little goodie bag yeah little goodie bags he gave us yeah so don't forget from now on we're going to bring his presents to the live shows

yeah it's got to be in a bag and several presents and with like a main thing and then lots of nice little things around it yeah so we got Blu-rays each

yeah which I wasn't happy about I got the thing one of my favourite films ever yeah I got Escape from New York one of my least favourite films ever I got Blu-ray but it York. One of my least favourite films ever.

If on Blu-ray. But it's a lovely gesture and it's still like that. Oh, by the way, you know, our Predator, I'm sure he's got a real name, you know he bought me Cool As Ice, the Vanilla Ice film and DVD. Yeah. Watched it the other day. How was it? Almost unwatchable. Really? That bad? Yeah. I watched Caligula,

did I say that? Yeah. Loved it. Absolutely loved it. But we'll swap. We will not. Just for a day! We will not at all. If you give me the thing, I will let you watch Caligula. No. Ed, there's a bonk on it and you see it.

No, I don't want to watch that. That's right. Regular listeners will know that Ed is now nodding his head at the same time. Listeners will know that Eddie's now nodding his head at the same time. Been doing a lot of driving, I've noticed. Yeah? Every time I talk to you, you're going, Oh no, I can't come to pictures, I've got to go to driving lesson.

When have you invited me to pictures? Oh no, I can't come round and watch all the Star Wars films in order. You've never asked me to do that. I've got to go to driving lesson. I can't think of anything worse than coming round your house and watching all the Star Wars films in order. You've never asked me to do that. I've got to go to a driving lesson. I can't think of anything worse than coming round your house and watching all the Star Wars films in order.

Why? Because I wouldn't get to watch them because I'd have all the lines milliseconds before them from you. I know, I don't do

that with Star Wars. Yeah, you go this bit coming. You'd be giving me facts like a bearded Wikipedia. I might give you facts.

I think the only thing I'd do that where I would pre-empt lines is probably young ones on bottom. They're the two main ones where I'll do it. But no, not Star I think the only thing I'd do that way with pre-empt lines is probably young ones on bottom. They're the two main ones where I'll do it. Yeah. But, no, not Star Wars, I wouldn't.

I'd let you watch it, mate. Right. I'd sit behind you, put my legs around you and just massage your shoulder so you were properly enjoying it. That's one of the reasons why I wouldn't come round here and watch it. What?

So, to get a nice massage? A massage? You wouldn't like that? No, I wouldn't. Why? Because you'd be... What you'd do, right, and this is true, he'd be very, very overtly sexual in order to make everything very uncomfortable.

Like the other day, when we were sitting in Riverside Studios desperately trying to plan what we were going to do to ruin Richard Herring's gig. Yeah, which we didn't quite do. We tried that. Yeah, we did fine. It just kept coming very close to my ear and whispering things that was brilliant it was so uncomfortable so uncomfortable because it did because if

someone whispers that close to you you can't help it you do get a little tingle in your balls i know exactly and i was going i was going right inside there right right so imagine this now so i'm coming right into your ear and i'm going to go close to the mic right i'm right in your ear. Okay. Are you enjoying that? Right. And I was going deeply, deeply about the curves you got. Deeply hot. Hot for the curves you got.

Deeply, deeply I'm your superman. I'll explain. You're my love Wesley. No, my love. There's people taking their

headphones off. There's people coming? headphones off right now. There's people coming? Yeah, well, there are some women sitting on the speakers like that Howard Stern film. Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's it now. Yeah. From a deep voice.

Yeah. Because, dude, legs that go on for miles and miles. Finally, proper screaming, aren't we? And rotting against it. Yeah. Enjoying that, are you, love? Anyway, what were you going to say? Are you driving us? I'm doing a lot of driving, yeah. Yeah. Are you enjoying that? Are you in love? Anyway, what were you going to say?

Are you driving us? I'm doing a lot of driving, yeah. Yeah, I just wondered how you're getting on. Fine, I think. Have you passed

your test? No. Oh, are you up? Why? I'm sick of driving us everywhere. Why haven't you passed your test

and get a car off your dad? You know, I'd be worried about driving you places. Why? Because, A, right, you are naughty.

I'm going to sit in the back seat and get right in your ear and go, deep, deep, deep about the way you places. Why? Because A, right, you are naughty. I'm going to sit in the back seat and get right in your ear and go, about the way you drive. You would be naughty, right? And if I've just learnt, I would be really nervous about driving. And you'll be doing things like going,

oh, cover your eyes, cover your eyes. No, I wouldn't. Touch the steering wheel, veer off to the left. I'd love to do that, like, a little bit to get you used to that sort of thing. Yeah, but then you would increase it slowly throughout the time of me driving. And secondly, you'd be going like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? And all that.

And going, Ed, you're shit at driving. What are you doing? Yeah, Ed, you are shit at driving. Give me this car. Why are you doing it that way around? I think the other thing I'm going to start doing is I'm going to start feeding you when you drive. Well, I don't mind that. That sounds nice.

No, but like proper keep pushing things in your mouth. Right. Big sandwiches. Them big ones from Marks and Spencer that you get. Very thick ones. Yeah. The clubs. Yeah.

I'm going to shove a club in your mouth. Oh, I love the club. One of the things you have to deal with when you are doing your driving. Yeah. In real life. Parking. Parking. They're probably teaching you that, aren't they?

Not really, you know. That's what I'm worried about. If I pass the test, then there is some big parking I have to do. And I panic a bit. Well, you won't pass your test unless you've done the parking. Well, no, because there's manoeuvres. And then there's driving and stuff. And parking.

You've got to parallel park and things like that. Well, yeah. I've got to do that one. A reverse around the corner. Yeah, that. Into a parking space. Well, you've got to reverse around the corner. Into a parking space. No, you to reverse around the corner into a parking space

no you don't have to do that yeah you do I know what you have to do and then you've got to go down the rickety the rickety ladder bit right and you've got to just

bump against the the pole yeah which will push the old man into the swimming pool and then the old man into the swimming pool that'll knock another thing

that big big cage will just catch the mouse are you thinking a mousetrap catch the mouse I'm sorry Ed you've failed your driving test right I think Are you thinking a mousetrap? Catch the mouse. I'm sorry, Ed, you've failed your driving test.

Right, I think you're thinking a mousetrap, aren't you? Because the mouse has been caught, you've failed your driving test. I've learnt... I have an issue with... I don't mind disabled parking, I've got no issue with that.

I think that's all right. I've got no problem with them parking. A very good joke you can do, by the way, if you're ever walking around London Tower, or any tower indeed, for that matter, and you see, you see the table spaces, they have a

box, like, painted on the road and it'll say, disabled, alongside of it. Great joke. When there's a car in that, literally wait until there's loads of people around, then point at it and go, who's done that? That's a bit offensive, isn't it? Wait until I get back and see what someone's done

near the car. Just see if anyone explains it to you. If you do it convincing enough. They will explain it to you. So I agree with

disabled parking spaces. Well done you. I agree with them. End of section? No, I don't agree with children parking spaces. So you know when they have things like that.

Mother and children. Yeah, I don't agree with that. Right. At all. Okay. That shouldn't be good. That's a choice.

Yeah. That's a choice. I mean people would say. You're literally pointing at me like I've had a child and I'm taking it to the cinema. I don't be good. That's a choice. Yeah. That's a choice. I mean, people would say... Mate, you're literally pointing at me like I've had a child and I'm taking it

to the cinema. I don't know that you've not. In fact, in Asda, in Stevenage, they've got a space right near it for Lewis Hamilton. With a racing car on it.

And I don't agree with that. I don't agree with that one bit. That's what it is. It is. What do you mean? It's just... So... Lewis Hamilton has got

his own space at Asda in Stevenage. Shut the fuck up. It's the nearest... I swear to God. It's the nearest parking space to Asda. It's nearer than

the disabled spaces. It's his own parking space and it's got a racing car on it. So no one else is allowed to park in it? It's Lewis Hamilton's space. Shut up. I swear to God.

Honestly, I used to always park in it as a matter of principle Space. Shut up. I swear to God. Honestly, God, I used to always park in it as a matter of principle. Right. When I lived up that way. Yeah. Honest to God. So I definitely don't agree with that. Right. No, I don't think anyone would agree with that. Because if anyone could do with a walk... Yeah. It's like someone's

sitting in a car 24 hours a day. Fatty bum bum. Yeah, fatty bum bum. I would say. But mother and child is a choice. I mean, some people would argue, alright, disabled might hours a day. Fatty bum bum. Yeah, fatty bum bum hours. But mother and child is a choice. I mean, some people would argue, all right, disabled might be a choice if you behave very badly in one life. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. If you take it to its extreme, people go, well, I'm gone. Well, technically, disability is a choice. Well, I'm gone. That is a choice if you're going to be a murderer in Victorian times.

Yeah. Because that is the way it goes, isn't it? Live a bad life, next life disabled, next life you are a fly. Yeah, that is the rule of it. But if you're a very good fly, you go back to being a baby. And I don't think there can be

any argument about that. But no, I'm in a child... I've chosen in my life to not have children. I have made that choice to not have children, right?

So I should be allowed a space as well. I should be allowed a not-gonna-reproduce space. Do you think? Yeah, and I also get to park

I think it's just to do with practicality though, isn't it? Like, if, well, I know it's a choice. I know what you're going to say.

You're going to say, oh, because they've got the kids and all that, and get them nearer to the shops and make it safer and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. What if I just decided this week, see what I'm going to do this week. Yeah.

In the garage. Yeah. I'm going to go to the garage. I'm going to saw my own leg off. Right. Like, make a big gun leg like Planet Terror. Yeah. But homemade.

Yeah. So it's not very stable. Yeah. On both my legs. Right. Right. I'll blind myself in one of my eyes. Right.

So I'm not very good on my feet. You don't have any feet. That's the main reason. Yeah. And I can't see very well. Yeah. That's my choice

to do that to my body. Uh-huh. Are they going to then stick a special parking space in for me? Yes, disabled parking space because you've got no legs.

No, because I'm not properly disabled. I've made myself disabled. No, you are properly disabled because you don't have any legs. No. You're still disabled. Interesting fact. Interesting fact. Well, you are proper disabled because you don't have any legs. No, that's... You're still disabled.

Interesting fact. Interesting fact. Well, this interesting fact always prefaces things in your life that are completely made up, so... You can only use a disabled space, certainly in the UK anyway, you can only use a disabled parking space if you were born disabled. Right? If you became disabled, like you with your diabetes,

if you became disabled in your lifetime, then you're not, strictly speaking, letter of the law, you're not legally allowed to use those spaces. Interesting fact number two, mother and baby spaces, you're not allowed to use them, right? If your baby's first name begins with the same letter as the surname. That's true, I know that. That is true, yeah. I know that. Interesting fact number three, and I sound like it's made up, this is actually true. Right.

But I mean, this is actually true. Right. London Underground. Yeah. Have started doing a thing. Yeah. Where if you are pregnant and not showing, you can go and ask for a badge, which means that you get priority seating on the tube.

That's true. Now, that is fucked. Why? Why should a pregnant woman, like, gone, get a seat above me? Well, if it's all crammed and bustled, then she might get a little elbow in the stomach, then, oh no, pay still comes out. At the Russell show the other night, there was a girl, a woman there, who had a week to go before she gave birth.

It's like, stay at fucking home! Why are you coming on a TV show where you're not allowed to leave? Stay at home! And shush, get your mouth shut. That's the rule. If you're that pregnant, you stay at home, you keep your mouth shut, you can do a bit of housework,

get a cooking nap, no complaining, because you made your choice when you opened your legs. Best place for the pill between your knees I'm sick of people reproducing yeah and getting free parking

or special treatment have I told you about because my mum's a health visitor she goes around and visits like newborns and stuff right have I told you about does she visit the babies

or does she visit like the mums she visits the families she doesn't wait for them to go out no she doesn't wait the parents have gone out go and visit the baby I am the visits the families. She doesn't wait for them to go out. No. She's like, the parents have gone out to go visit the baby. I am the only one

that knows they can talk. Yeah. Although I think Kirstie only suspected it in Locke who's talking. Do you think she had a little look of recognition

in it? Yeah. Have I ever told you about a family that visited and the mum kept giving birth? Kept giving birth?

She had like four children and she didn't want any children and she said to my mum, told you about the family that visited and the mum kept giving birth kept giving birth like she had she had like four children right and she never she didn't want any children and she said to my mum i don't know what to do and my mum went well contraception obviously you're using contraception she went yeah i'm on the pill but i don't think it's working i put it up my vagina and it keeps oh my word no way that's not true that is true that's your mum winding you up no it keeps she said i put it on my vagina and it keeps falling out. She wouldn't know. No, the doctor, she'd have read the instructions in the box, surely.

Well, I don't know, she sounds pretty stupid to me, mate. What can we have a kid suck off at? Could your mum not go, right, well, you're too thick to feed something. Yeah. And then my mum turned around, right? Yeah. And there she was with her baby daughter, shoving mush banana. Just putting it in her mouth.

Yeah. That's not her mouth. Feeding the baby. Yeah. And then your mum went, what are you doing? And she's there in the kitchen, right? She's got a boob in one hand, a big knife in the other. She's cutting her bosom off.

What are you doing? I'm going to breastfeed her. Nipple first, in between the legs. That'll do for a podcast this week. See you next week, babes. Bye. Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock

and Ed Gamble all music by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one which is performed by Frank Sidebottom the Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by

chortle.co.uk see you next week