The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 66

Episode Date: May 3, 2020

"Episode 66" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 67 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Oh, they're here again. The boys with men under eyes. The boys with men on their eyes. You've got to change it, haven't you? Otherwise you'll get sued. Yeah. Hello, welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.

I'm Ray Peacock. I am Ed Gamble. Oh, and here we go. New regime. Is it? Yeah, new regime today. Is it? There are going to be fundamental changes.

Oh, dear. In this podcast today. Am I fired? No, you're all right. You're still clinging on. Thank you. You know what the changes are. We've got some quite major things that we're going to...

Yeah. We want to change your attitude to us. It's what we want to do. You as an audience. Yes, you listening now. Yeah, that's you. That means you. I don't care if it's your first time listening or your 66th time listening or even 120, whatever

it would be. 132. Is that how many we've done? No. Or is it just a random number? I was doing it if they were listening to was doing it if they they were listening to everyone twice or if they were doing listening to the old podcast yeah but there were some episodes they didn't bother with yeah or and some episodes they listened to three times yeah there's lots of ways

of getting to a certain number many different possibilities yeah do you know what that's what they never take into account in maths what isn't it't it? You know when you do a maths exam? Yeah. And they go, oh, show you're working out. Yeah. Show you're working out, that's part of the marks. Yeah, but it's not. You can't say, oh, you can only work it out this one way.

Well, you can. And if you don't, then you're not getting a mark for it. Well, they can say that, because what you're supposed to be showing is a particular way. But no, they can't say that, because there are lots of ways of working things out. Well, not sums. You could put, so you have the original sum at the top, right? Sorry, for our American listeners, math. Oh yeah, math, I do apologise.

And what you do, you could put the original sum at the top, and then the answer at the bottom, and then in the middle, put brackets, guess. And you've still got the right answer no but that's not maths no but that's a guess

yeah but that's guessing that's not maths in a way that's that's more impressive you've got the answer without even

working it out if you get every single answer right that is more impressive definitely A get an A for that

well done everyone yeah you should get an A for that but you don't get an A yet oh no you listener you don't get an A yet

because you've not you've not yet fundamentally altered your attitude towards us. Which is what we're going to do today. It's quite serious as well, isn't it? No. No, it's a serious thing we're talking about. We're not like, oh, an house has blown over or anything like that. No, I don't mean, I mean genuine, we're being genuine. Oh yeah.

I don't mean it's a serious thing as in a child dying. I am genuine. Touch me, I'm flesh. What's that from? I don't know. I made it up. Oh, it sounded like Shakespeare. Thank you, mate.

So you could have put that in your English exam. Yeah. Brackets. Guess. Shakespeare. Guess. Welcome to the show. Muppet shot.

Sorry, mate. Muppet shot. What's that? Muppet shot. Muppet shot. Muppet Show Sorry mate Muppet Show What's that? Muppet Show Muppet Show Muppet Show Muppet Show Yep

That's Animal saying Muppet Show Right That's what he does Muppet Show Because you said I can't talk about it anymore You can't So I'm doing it Muppet Show

No but you're still talking about it Muppet Show That's how he does it Right Ed Ed Ed Ed

Ed Ed Ow You hit me That's what Animal would do. Right. Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed. He hit me. That's what an animal would do with you. No, an animal wouldn't get near me. Why?

I'd rip his head off. What? I'd rip his head off. That's a horrible thing to do. Because you've put me off the Muppets by going on about it. I've got a full-sized animal, not five foot from where you're stuck. Yeah, but he's not coming near me. He's not bothering me. If any animal or Muppet came to...

Any animal. And I mean any animal, like a little rabbit. Came near you. Right, because you've talked about the Muppets so much, you've put me off. Muppets and anything a Muppet is based on. Really?

Really. But some Muppets are human. No, they're not. They're not. Yeah, they are. Name them. The Newsman. He's human.

The Newsman. Beaker's human. Right, those ones are all right then. Dr Bunsen-Honig is human. The Swedish Chef is human. We'll find anyone who looks like a Muppet. They Bunsen Honey is human. The Swedish chef is human. Well fine, anyone who looks like a Muppet. They're clearly Muppets. Any human who looks like a Muppet

though. What? Any human who comes Look, I'm angry is all I'm trying to say. You're just a horrible man. I'm not a horrible man, but if an animal came towards me, I'd kick his eye off. Right, well don't you dare kick his eye off. He's not coming towards me though, because they're not real. Right, well now that you've said that I might make it come near you. Well then I'll kick its eye off. Don't kick its eye off, He's not coming towards me though, because they're not real. Right, well now that you've said that, I might make it come near you. Well then I'll kick its eye off.

Don't kick its eye off, thank you. Who'll be the one who's upset when I kick animals eye off? Probably Jim Henson in heaven. No, I'm not kicking it that far. Jim Henson will be in heaven and he'll be all sad about it. He won't, he'll be fine, he'll be up there making a moppet out of a cloud. I like the idea of that, if that is true. Yeah. How are you with animals generally? How am I with animals? Yeah, with real animals in real life. I'm a bit allergic to some of them. You're allergic to cats, but you had one for a while. I had one for a while. So you killed it. So I killed it. You pet it too hard. Yeah, I pet it too hard and put it under a rock. No, cats and We're making a joke about that, but of course your cat had cancer. I had kidney cancer,

yeah. Yeah, horrible. I'm allergic to cats and dogs, really. Just the hair gets up my nose. So you can have a shaved one. Mate, I can have a shaved one all day. Yeah. I am allergic to cats and dogs, really. Just the hair gets up my nose. So you can have a shaved one. Mate, I can have a shaved one all day. Yeah. I tell you what I'm allergic to. I'm allergic to cats and dogs but I'm allergic to their legs and their hair. So if you cut the legs off and shave the hair off it, snakes are fine.

Fine with a snake. I was with a snake last night. You were with a snake? Yeah, I was. I was, again, the TV recording when there were snakes there. Really? Yeah. What, they were supposed a snake? Yeah, I was. No, I was. I was, again, in the TV recording when there were snakes there. Really? Yeah. What, they were supposed to be?

Yeah, I think so. Right. There was a man. There was a man holding one of them. All right, okay. They weren't just loose. There were three people.

There was a lady, another man, and a big, quite a big fat man. Okay. Who was in charge of the big snake. That's true.

There was a great bit where he picked it up and he held it above his head because that's how he had to carry it. But then somebody on the team just leant over to me and went, wouldn't it be amazing if he had no shirt on now? I think he was wrestling the snake.

And I beat it and just held it up with his big fat belly all out. Mate, did you touch the snake? I didn't touch the snake. Why? Why on earth would I? There's no reason to. Because it's wicked?

No, leave them alone. No, don't leave them alone. Put them back in the jungle or wherever they live. Yeah. We're not meant to be messing about and picking them up. You should touch a snake. I don't want to touch a snake. And then you can tell everyone, you see them snakes?

I've touched one of them. Why? Do you know what? It's not even a fear thing or anything like that. It's just like, I don't feel like I'm meant to. Imagine how brilliant you'd look with a snake wrapped around you. It'd be a good Edinburgh post at art. It wouldn't. They're not slippery at look with a snake wrapped around you. It'd be good Edinburgh posted art. It wouldn't.

They're not slippery at all. No, no, they're dry. I have had a tarantula on my head of you. Big fun, dude. I have had a tarantula on my head of you. I've not, no. Why did you have that? I was at a place where they had a tarantula.

Yeah, I'd got that much. You have to explain more than that. And they said, do you want to put it on your head? And I said, yeah. And they put it on your head and took a photo. Where was it? Costa Rica. Costa Rica? Yeah. Was it just your head and I said yeah and they put it on your head and took a photo. Where was it? Costa Rica. Costa Rica?

Yeah. Was it just like on the street or something? No, in like a nature lodge. You're probably full of disease. I'm not. I met an hummingbird. You met an hummingbird?

Yeah. How'd you meet a hummingbird? How'd you do that? You just see it. That's not meeting it then, is it? Right. It walks up to you

and shakes its beak. Right. This is the argument I've been having with other people actually because I kind of agree with you. Alright, then all the Right. They walk up to you and shake its beak. Right. This is the argument I've been having with other people, actually, because I kind of agree with you.

Alright, then all the other people are right. Can you say that you've met a dog? If it's shook your paw. See, that's not the angle

I take with it. I say that meeting, you have to, the other person or thing has to acknowledge you, but I think language is important,

but you're saying if you shake its paw, then you've met it. Yeah. And if the dog's wearing a little jacket. No, no. If you've met it and if the dog's wearing a little jacket no no if you've met a dog

yeah if it's acknowledged you yeah I guess so I guess so if it's acknowledged and spent some time with you right well

the hummingbird didn't acknowledge me right you didn't meet it so did I meet MC Harvey when I saw him outside Fulham Football Club did he like nod at you

no did he look at you no no you didn't meet him the thing is I've been telling everyone I met MC Harvey. Right, well,

you're going to have to go around and tell all them people again. Right. But unfortunately, you misread the situation. Yeah. But you didn't meet each other, you were just in the same area.

Yeah. I will often say I've met someone just because I've been at the same function at them. Yeah, well, that's what I did with MC Harvey, unfortunately. I'll often do that.

Yeah. Who have you met then? I've said it on the podcast. I've met so and so. He didn't meet them. Yeah. I often say I've met Catherine Jenkins. Right.

I often say, yeah, I met her. Yeah, I met her. Yeah, I know. I met her a few times. Yeah. Because she sang before the rugby. Okay. That's a nice section about snakes though.

I'll never get on to that. Oh yeah, Muppet Show. Muppet Show, Muppet Show, Muppet Show, M on to that. Oh yeah, Muppet Show! Muppet Show, Muppet Show, Muppet Show, Muppet Show. Send me some Muppet Show stuff. Don't. Don't. Listen to this new section. So we don't want presents anymore.

No. After all that, going on about presents in a time limit. We didn't say about a time limit. There was a time limit. So all the people that did it in the time limit, well done. You're the best ones for the present. Well done. Clap, clap.

Thank you very much indeed. And also, well done to all the people that entered the competition last week. Yeah. We have some winners. Yeah, some winners. Yeah, and they'll be getting a signed photo. Signed photo of us. If we've got your address.

A signed photo of us and Michael Caine. No, not Michael Caine. Because it was Michael Caine. No, it Michael Caine. Because it was Michael Caine? No, it was an impression of Michael Caine. Right, I will get an impression of his autograph now. Yeah, there you go. Well, I imagine his autograph will be out there. I think your impression of Michael Caine's autograph will be as accurate as your impression of Michael Caine.

Yeah, so that's... Well, it was obviously very accurate because some people got it. Yeah, they got it straight away. Some people got it and ended it. It's like, yeah, well done, you won. Get a signed photo if we've got your address. Some people didn't get it though, did they? No, some people tried to be funny. Yeah, tried to be clever. That's fine, that's fine, but you didn't win. No, there are a few clues, clear clues that it was Michael Caine. The

most obvious one being that you said Batman. Tell you what, I very subtly at one point actually said my name is Michael Caine. Right, well they should have got that name. I dropped that in there and people are going, oh is it this? No, it's Michael Caine. Right, well, they should have got that name. I dropped that in there. That's obvious. And people are going, oh, is it this? It's like, no, it's Michael Caine. Yeah. So, signed photo if you got that right. Yeah, so well done on that. I'm winning that competition. But we don't want presents anymore.

Yeah. We want you to do something else for us now. Take your trousers off. Yeah, put your pants off, put them on that chair. Right, now put, that's it, now put your leg up on the chair. That's it. Okay, now just gently, just push your hips back and forward. Imagine if there is a girl

half asleep listening to this and their gran walks in live with their gran they're half asleep and they just react to it and they do it and they do it and their gran walks in

and they're doing that and they've got headphones on and then their gran kisses her and then their gran kisses her on the downstairs yeah and then horrible like an horrible incest film

yeah horrible incest film and granny yeah I wouldn't want to watch that no I would it'd. No, I would. It'd be awful. Yeah, I would. So what we want to do,

but that's besides the point, we're going to start an army. We're going to start a Peacock and Gamble army mafia mob. Yeah. What we've decided is that we should utilise you as fans better in order to make ourselves

more successful and more popular so that eventually we can just abandon you. That is the traditional way. That's pretty much how this works. Now, sure, lots of things that are good will just have word of mouth.

People will go off and they'll start saying this is brilliant, listen to this. They'll tell all their friends and that. You know, this is for good things, right? And it just happens organically. Oh yeah, sure. Sometimes things like that happen. But we're going to force it. We're going to make gonna make you do that we are gonna construct a runaway hit because i'll tell you off the record we've been into our management and we've got them to book us a tour we've gone hey get us on tour we should be doing a tour and they've gone all right then

there you go but you're at all all right thanks a lot oh shit shit shit. Shit. We forgot that. Do you need people to come and watch it? Who's going to come this? So what's happening? We're doing the Edinburgh Fringe again. Let's do the Edinburgh Fringe. Let's do it. And they go, alright, then give us 50 grand.

What? What? That's how much it costs to go, alright, there's 50 grand. Oh, shit, no one's coming and watching it. Right? We've got our warm-up film. Yeah, the film that we showed after Emergency Broadcast. That's going to be on BBC Online. Yeah, it is.

We want people to watch it. Can't just shove something on the internet and there it is. We need word of mouth. Yeah, word of mouth. And not based on the quality, based on how loud we tell you to do it. Exactly, and how persistent we are in saying this. And we've recorded a little commentary for that as well, haven't we? Of a warm-up?

Yeah. Yeah, we have. We'll release the commentary as a separate podcast. Yeah. Because it'll be out on BBC Online this week at some point. It'll be on some other places as well. Yeah. But we'd like to see it, because it's different to what we normally do.

Yeah. And I think it's quite a nice little film. So go and have a watch of that. But if you go and watch it, I don't even know if you're able to do this on BBC, but I imagine you are, leave comments on that. Yeah. Please leave comments. That's the sort of thing you should do youtube please leave comments it's even if you

say you don't even like it it'll provoke a discussion yeah uh we want you basically we we know that asking for gifts and stuff is unfair because that costs you money and yeah and time and effort and all the rest of it going out buying stuff all we're asking now is for your time and effort yeah for a little bit and a bit of money and a bit of money you can send us that and just go on like forums and stuff like the chortle forums or the comedy forums and things on youtube i like youtube films on our own forum or you know on facebook all that sort of thing friends as well yeah tell your friends go go in in your school or your university or your job and just say hey i've listened to this don't say it to your boss i don't need going to your boss come and listen to this

and then your boss goes and then walks out 20 minutes later saying why am I listening to letters about a dying child you you're sacked yeah maybe at your work

put up a list for sign up on the notice board yeah not really worked before on the notice board which has got all the recipes on

and say squash we're going to go and play Squash. And anyone who wants to sign up to it, you agree to meet them at the Squash court. You get in there, and it is all dark, apart from an iPod dock in the middle. And then you make them all listen to it, and I think at least two out of them

twenty will definitely want to go. As Ed said, he's not really worked before. No. I mean, I have done day jobs and worked in offices and things. What I'd say, a quicker way of doing that, just to the person who works next to you, you always chat with, just drop it into the conversation. A lot quicker than going and hiring the squash court

and put it up on the recipe board, which, of course, all offices have. If you work in an office, how else do you exchange recipes than the recipe board? Basically, you wait until the boss isn't looking and then you slip them under the desk. Right, okay. That's how they did it when I worked. Of course, they've all got email now.

We've got some other ideas that they could use, haven't we? Go on. Well, my idea was a fanzine. Start up a Peacock and Gamble fanzine with cartoons, crosswords, competitions, information. I would actually like that, but I don't think anyone could be bothered doing that. No, alright. Imagine a fanzine. Yeah, imagine a fanzine in your head. Just tell your friends, really.

Tell your friends to imagine a fanzine. Tell your friends to imagine they're reading a fanzine about something, and they like the idea of it, and then tell them where to go and get the podcast from. So there's that, or tell them where to come and get the podcast from. So there's that. Or tell them where to come and see a

live show from. Let's now start utilising the army that we've built. Try and bring a friend to the next emergency broadcast. We know from

experience that a lot of our fans haven't got any friends. Or make friends with each other which doesn't count by the way if they

were already coming and then they're your friend. No but I like that though. Yeah well it's nice but it doesn't count for this. Because I've noticed when some people do bring friends who haven. No, but I like that, though. Yeah, well, it's nice, but it doesn't count for this.

Because I've noticed when some people do bring friends who haven't seen this before, they enjoy it as well. Yeah. Hey, we're making no guarantees here. No. We're not saying they will enjoy it. Yeah. We're just saying, give it a crack.

If it doesn't work, which it won't, you know. I mean, we're aware that this is absolutely pathetic, what we're doing. The fact that we're sat here. Oh, please! All our cockiness and arrogance has slipped away as we've realised we've incurred a massive debt on self-promotion this year

and now we're going, oh, shit, the thing we forgot was nobody's interested. Please, girls, famous. Can you do a poster and we'll print it out and put it in your window? Please do it so we can get... I mean, you have your window please do it so we can get I mean you have a nice time yeah we can get you enjoy yourself

enjoy yourself with like-minded people and we can live in an house together I promise you though listener this isn't this doesn't really aid us financially in any way

shape or form because if we sold out our tour if we sold out Edinburgh and if we got a TV series on the back of it we'd still be in debt this time next year. So keep that in mind.

A lot of this is for the love of doing it. Definitely. But for God's sake, it'd be nice to be a bit popular. Yeah. A bit more popular. I think that's all you need to say on the matter. They know now. Some of them, I can only see dust because they've run off to the nearest internet cafe.

Yeah. Not even that, though. What? We know that they've got the internet because you download cafe. Yeah. Well, not even that though. What? We know that they've got the internet. Yeah. Because we download it. Yeah. So you can do this.

Yeah. Go on restaurant forums, it'll take a minute. Yeah. Just write a bit about it. Yeah. But not just one of you. Like, get a gang of you doing it. By all means, group at thepeacockandgamble.com forum.

Yeah. Group there. Decide what you're going to do. Get out there. Get out there, yeah. Mate, and we'll keep an eye on it. We'll be like generals in HQ. Yeah.

And we'll go, right, that person's doing a lot. Yeah. Brilliant. That person's posted a lot on the YouTube videos. They're a captain. They are a captain of it. Yeah. And everyone's going, oh, I'm just a foot soldier.

You might be happy being a foot soldier. That's fine. But if you want to, you know, if you want to get promotion, get on the case. Do it. Prove what you've done. Yeah. Yeah. Who's with yeah yeah who's with me who's with me

I can hear them all cheering yeah yeah come on right right are you ready to go sir yes sir are you gonna

are you gonna post on all the forums yes sir yes sir yes I am are you gonna promote the podcast sir yes sir are you gonna promote

the Walmart film sir yes sir are you gonna come and see the shows? Oh, I can't leave it. I'll try, I'll try. I can't leave the house, I've got a skin condition. Why are they always just in London?

All right, will you come when they're on tour? Sir, yes, sir. Are you going to tell loads of people about it? Sir, yes, sir. What is it? Oh, Big Ungammer Mercy Broadcast. Are you going to come and see the Edinburgh Fringe? Sir, yes, sir.

That's very far. Yeah, are you going to vote for us if we're in a competition? Sir, yes, Podcast. Are you going to come up to the end of the range, sir? Yes, sir. That's very far. Yeah. Are you going to vote for us if we're in a competition, sir? Yes, sir. Are you going to... Oh, mate. I ain't doing stuff for free. It's all right. Come on.

I can't believe I'm crying another week. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I mean, if there's any of you doing it, posting on forums about Peacock and Gamble, then maybe register in several names. Yeah. Have conversations with yourself. Just make it... Just don't make it obvious. Maybe type one in a different language so it's clear it's not you.

Yeah, we'll do it as well. We'll register on some as well. My username's going to be Aslan. Yeah, my username's going to be Jed Amble. Nice one. Do Jed Amble. Nice one, Jed Amble. You won't do it anyway, you're

rubbish at it. What do you mean? You don't even, you already have a post on our one. I keep forgetting my password. Well that's not

an excuse, you can't make a password that you know it. You can't say, you can't ask fans to post on forums if you're going,

I would do it but I can't remember what my password is. I sometimes get frustrated, I just speak it at the forums. Sometimes I get nervous and I don't remember what my password is. I sometimes get frustrated. I just speak it. Sometimes I get nervous and I don't know what to say to everyone. Same, mate. I did it the other day.

I saw you did one the other day. I did one the other day and I tried to join in about the Muppets and you picked me up on a spelling mistake. So how can I be expected to join in whenever I join in? You're pulling me out of it. That's true. You spelt Fozzy Run, but that's... But I was saying it like... I mean, you can't tell when you type it. I was saying, Ed, Ed me out of it. That's true. You spelt Fozzy wrong, but that's... But I was saying it like...

I mean, you can't tell when you type it. I was saying, Ed, Ed, he's not that. Right. I was doing it like, conspirationally. That's why I did it in brackets. Right. Speaking of the Muppets, I put the picture up on Muppet Corner. Yeah.

On peacockandgamble.com. And our manager, James, said to me yesterday, he went, saw the photo of the Muppet Corner. Yeah. I went, yeah. He went, is that real? Yeah, he said that to me as well. Yeah.

Yesterday, he called me. I said, what did he say? It's Muppet Corner. Yeah. I went, yeah. He went, is that real? Yeah, he said that to me as well. Yeah. Yesterday, he called me. I said, what did he say? It's Muppet Corner that Ian put up. That really from his house? And I went, I went, this is this. I went, yeah, that's real. He went, massive pause. He went, oh, good for him.

That's lovely. Like I've got a Durham mission. Yeah, he seemed very confused. You couldn't believe it. Because it actually does look like the shot, for some reason the lighting, it looks like it's been taken in an American museum. Oh, really?

Like the way it's set up, like someone's house museum or something. Yeah, no, that is in my house. Yeah, that is real, that. Maybe James was confused. Maybe he thought, where's he getting money from? Because I could have sworn we're taking quite a lot of money off him.

Still paying for Edinburgh in 1996. Maybe it was that. Maybe he's baffled. Yeah, no, that is the real Muppet Corner. But it did make me laugh. I said to James, I was going, I've bought it over time. I didn't buy it all in one go. You're not woken up one morning and gone, I think I like the Muppets.

Yeah, I'm going to get all of it all in one go now. Bring me my computer, Sheila the maid. And it wouldn't look nearly as extravagant if it was just all dotted around the house. Yeah, no. It's because it's all just focused in one corner. Yeah, definitely. But it's nice. Yeah, but there we go.

But anyway, that's by the by, because what we've not done yet, is we've not done our famous section that we do which is Ed talks about a film that he can't really remember yeah although exclusively this week

it's going to be Ed I know it's a section we've only done once but it's Ed talks about a film he's not even seen yeah

I've had a good crack at it have you so all you gave me you gave me Poseidon Adventure and that it's set on a submarine set on a submarine it's a disaster and you said it's got oh is it disaster oh i missed that bit gregory peck you said as well which which it hasn't it hasn't i checked on imdb it's not i also worked out the

floor in this and i was driving yesterday it would be a bit wet especially if someone doesn't shut the submarine door properly. I was driving yesterday and I was thinking about it and I thought, oh, but the problem with this is, is neither me nor you have seen the Poseidon Adventure. But what I've done is I've had a quick glance at Wikipedia and I'm going to tell you now what happens in the film. Right. What the plot is. Do you not want me to do mine first? No, we'll hear yours afterwards when we know what you've not done. Right. And by the way, it's not a criticism. Yeah. Because how are you meant to know? Exactly. Yeah.

I've gone with what I think it might be. The side of an adventure is it's Titanic. Right. On a submarine, basically. So it crashes. Well, the thing about it is, it's Titanic sank. Yeah. Submarines are meant to sink. Yeah, so does it come to the surface? So maybe it's Titanic but with an happy ending. Yeah.

From what I can work out on Wikipedia, they have a submarine that you can go on trips on. Somebody voices concerns about it, but they still go ahead with it. Oh, man. On New Year's Eve, it all goes all wrong. Big disaster. There's all water coming in and that. And then six of them get out. Right.

At the end. So that's what, that's the general gist of the film. Oh, yeah, my version. Yeah. The Poseidon Adventure. The film opens on a shot of the beautiful yet powerful sea. Nice. Thought that was, you know, broad enough.

Yeah, lovely, lovely. This is where it starts going downhill. Right. Gregory Peck stands on a hill majestically. Watching the waves lap at the rocks below. This is beautiful. Thanks. All seems calm, but the quiet is broken by a massive submarine smashing to the surface.

Okay. Gregory looks shocked and then laughs. He waves through the windscreen of the submarine. He waves through the windscreen. He waves, he sees the windscreen and he waves. So he waves at the windscreen. Yeah. It is his Navy buddy and captain of the submarine, Nello, played by Kelsey Grammer.

Nello? Nello. What did Nello come from? That's his nickname, because they've all got nicknames in the submarine, Nello, played by Kelsey Grammer. Nello? Nello. Where did Nello come from? That's his nickname, because they've all got nicknames in the Navy, haven't they? I suppose they have, yeah. The sub has come to pick him up for their next mission, an attempt to infiltrate a group of Iraqi dolphins.

Gregory hops on board, high-fiving the principal crew members. Before you go any further, how do you hop on board a submarine? It goes down the hill, swings his bag up. Walk along the jetty. Walk along to the top of the thing, stand on it, get in the pipe. Is that how you get in a submarine? Yeah, get in the pipe. Through the pipe.

High-fiving the principal crew members as he climbs in. They are Red, Porco, Boobs, Dick Chew, Tony O' Tony and Sally the Muff Farmer. Can I predict that either Porko or Boobs is going to be played by Precious from Precious? You can't predict that, no, because I've listed all those characters. I've genuinely not mentioned them again. Oh, really? Yeah. You've not even cast them? No.

Oh, okay. But I've given you a little fact about... Let's cast them now. All right. Red is played by Robert Duvall. Why? Because he's like... And he's got the ball and that. Yeah. Pork is played by Robert Duvall. Why? Because he's like... And he's got the ball and that.

Yeah. Porco. Yeah. Chris Farley. As far as I'm aware, Chris Farley's dead. No, he was played. He wasn't in 2007. I think he was.

Boobs. No, you can't just skate over it and say boobs. I know that that sometimes works on me sometimes. Yeah. When we'll be having a row, you... Boobs. You say boobs. I go, what? Where? Where? But I'm not being feel-bite now. says works on me sometimes. Yeah. When we'll be having a row, you say, boot,

I go, what, where, where? But I'm not being filled by it now. No,

you can't have Chris Farley. John Candy, then. Boots is played by Precious from Precious. Dick Chew.

Jackie Chan. Why Jackie Chan? Because it's got a chit in it. Because it's oriental. Dick Chew. I beg your pardon? Dick Chew.

Dick Chew? Yeah. Chew can be a name. Yeah, but... It's not like Dick Chew. I beg your pardon? Dick Chew. Dick Chew? Yeah. Chew can be a name. Yeah, but... It's not like Tony Chew in the comics. That's not what you mean, though. What, Dick Chew? Oh, come on.

You mean like Dick Penis. Dick Chew. Chew a penis. It's a joke from the film. Yeah, but you can't do a joke name about an Oriental man. Oh, well then it's just Dick Chew. It's just his name. And who plays him

Jackie Chan no you're not I mean well change the name then and don't change it to Velly Solly change the name what's his

Rick Choo right that's fine Rick Choo's fine Tony O Tony Tony what Tony O Tony yeah who's that Colin Farrell

why Irish right Sally the Moth Farmer yep Claire Baldy go on Tony. Yeah, who's that? Colin Farrell. Why? Irish. Right. Sally the Moth Farmer. Yep. Claire Baldo. Go on. Right.

They all have tattoos of different types of water. Right. To show they're in the Navy. Nello. What are different types of water? Like a wave, calm water. Boiling. Boiling.

Lukewarm. Tsunami. Freezing. Ice. Yeah. Yep. Nello takes Gregory Pack into the briefing room. He tells them that the dolphins used to be part of the US Navy,

but defected to Iraq when one of their friends was killed by an American dolphin trainer whilst making a flipper. Nice. Now they are the most dangerous weapon the enemy have, what with all the jumping through hoops and firing bullets out their blowholes. The exact line in the film is, imagine if a gun could swim, You've just imagined an Iraqi dolphin. Right.

And so they set off, having lots of bawdy banter and drinks. Finally, they reach the dolphin cave after some peril along the way. What peril? Piranhas. Sandbank. Yeah, go on.

It is now that Gregory Peck must dress as a dolphin and swim into the camp of the enemy ones. He spends days becoming friendly with the dolphins, using his dolphin translator installed in his mast by the tech wizard on board, played by Gary Oldman's sister, the one who is Big Mo on EastEnders. She doesn't get enough acting work, does she? Or some would argue she gets far more than she deserves. During the mission, he seduces the female dolphin, Jamelia,

who introduces him to Poseidon, Greek god of the sea. Now, is that played by Jamelia? No, she is called Jamelia. Right. Not played, she's played by a dolphin. Who introduces him to Poseidon, Greek god of the sea. Played by... He's playing Poseidon.

Gotta be majestic, hasn't he? Yeah. Gotta be majestic. Maybe flowing hair. Stocky guy. Stocky. Maybe a beard or something. Oh.

Maybe like... Ugh. That could really have a good presence within the film. Same me. stocky guy stocky maybe a beard or something oh maybe like oh they could really have a good presence within the film say me say me say Ray Peacock Ray Peacock

yep brilliant good idea it is discovered that he is also in many leagues with the Iraqis very nice do you like that

very nice do you like what I've done there how many leagues yeah a thousand two thousand two thousand after the Americans

done so much pollution in his precious water. Lovely. Like Namor in the Marvel comics. Yeah. Thirty years later, Gregory makes his move. Sorry, thirty years later?

Yeah. Why? He just doesn't know when to make the move. This is a god, so it's difficult to know. Right. And how are we going to do

the passage of time in thirty years? But thirty years later. Or just do it a clock going round fast. Yeah, really fast and then 30 years. He bites Poseidon's neck out and swims to the surface with Jamelia

who he puts in a tank and marries. The Americans have won World War 2 and they have a party on the submarine. World War 2? Yeah. The same shot as the start is shown. I love that you've blocked out the real World War 2 in your head. The same shot as the start is shown.

The calm sea with Peck surveying it. A sub breaks the surface, but it is Kelsey Grammer's son, Niles, driving it. Because Kelsey had died of punching. There's been a problem, he shouts. Poseidon is back. Krabs rebuilt his net with seaweed. We need you. Grab your trunks.

Credits. So you left it open for a sequel then Yeah I mean I'm now torn as to whether or not to make you do the sequel now Oh I thought you'd give me another film Yeah that's what I thought as well But now I'm thinking am I going to make him do the sequel It'll be very similar But I enjoyed that one

Yeah To an extent I mean I enjoyed that one. Yeah. To an extent. I mean, I enjoyed it just now. Yeah. I feel I'll enjoy it more once I've edited it. Yeah. I mean, I think what the listener just heard,

very enjoyable. Yeah. What I've just sat through for the last fucking half an hour, you perhaps wouldn't have enjoyed quite as much. I mean, there was a four-minute pause while he tried to think of who was going to play Muff Eater. Muff Farmer. Well, whatever they're called. And eventually, you came up with Claire Balding.

Which, to the listeners who just heard it, that sounded like such a quick thing. Who's playing that? Claire Balding. That's not what happened in real life. No. In real life, he sat here for ages. In silence. Yeah.

Yeah. What film do you want to do? No, you do it. You pick it. You have to pick it. There's got to be one that you have seen years ago. What's the first film you ever saw? Mr Nanny.

Well, that was the first film I saw at the cinema with my dad. Mr Nanny. With your late father. Yeah. But that one's silly enough already, I think. What's the first? My dad's not dead, by Nanny. With your late father. Yeah, but that one's silly enough already, I think. What's the first My dad's not dead by the way.

He is in some eyes in your family. Some people in your family, as far as they're concerned, don't they?

Just don't mention Derek, do we not? Of course, his dad's dad, Derek Gamble. We don't say his real name. Can't say his

real name since Ed got done the last time he mentioned him publicly by choosing to character assassinate him on television with his real name. How are you on Disney films? The Lion King. Can you remember The Lion King? I can remember bits of it. Right, that's fine then. Next week we're going to do The Lion King. In fact, you can rewrite The Lion King if you want. Alright. Okay, so next week, Ed Gamble, because it's probably due a remake. Yeah.

Ed Gamble is going to rewrite The Lion King. Brilliant. For your enjoyment. And again, I know we did ask you to promote the podcast this week, and we still want you to do that and promote our stuff that we're doing, but warn your people that you're telling

that it might not be great next week. Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble all music by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one which is performed

by Frank Seidmutter the Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by www.chortle.co.uk see you next week