The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 69

Episode Date: May 24, 2020

"Episode 69" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 70 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hello, I am Ray Peacock. Hello, I'm Ed Gamble. We've just spent ages trying to work out a way of getting out of this. We're not doing this. We're trying to sit down and think of excuses. What did you come up with? We were upset that Osama bin Laden had been killed. That was one of my ones.

Yeah. I thought we could maintain he was a member of the family. Yeah. He was our uncle. Yeah. Uncle Oboe we used to call him. Uncle Oboe? Yeah. Why would you call him Uncle Oboe? Osama bin. Osama bin. Yeah. Oboe. Uncle Oboe then. Anyway. I thought nuclear bomb we could

say there'd be a nuclear bomb but then again you see they would know that they would know if they'd not they'd have an idea wouldn't they yeah yeah yeah there might be a nuclear bomb now anyway

yeah and then we don't have to record if there's a nuclear bomb right now during us recording this intro I say we don't we don't record it don't bring it out mate

so let's just have a nothing yet no you might know I'm saying there might be a nuclear bomb now as a repercussion from Oberlo being killed off.

But isn't he like the main one doesn't it all fall apart now? It's weird isn't it after this like big war thing that's been

going on and they kill off one of the main characters. One of the main characters? Yeah that is wasn't it?

Yeah. Didn't normally get that do you apart from on 24 I suppose they sometimes killed off a main character.

Sort of like 24 isn't it? Yeah it is a bit like 24 or something but I'm a bit louder and he'sin is gone. Yeah. Anyway, we had a lot of fun with him,

but that's the end of that. That was our political bit today. Yeah. So other reasons we thought of, family fortunes. Yeah. That's a good reason, isn't it? Yeah.

No podcast this week because of family fortunes. Because we're watching family... We're going on family fortunes. Yeah. Is there a podcast this week? That's what we could do and then just end it there.

Are we going on Family Fortunes? Are we? I like that. Yeah. I don't really know how you play it. Oh, you just have to

give the top answer. I don't know how to do that. So things you'd have in a picnic. Alright then, kangaroo. See there's a

hundred people and no one would have said kangaroo Well if I was one of the hundred Then I would have done it Yeah but then you wouldn't be playing the game If somebody comes to me in the street And goes hello I'm on Family Fortunes

I want to ask you If you'd be one of the hundred people I'll go yeah And I'll give nonsense answers for all of them So that every week they had to say And one person said kangaroo Yeah And the other reason as well

That we didn't want to record or i didn't want to record i've put my back out yeah you haven't you you've slipped a little disc or something i don't know what i've done but just bear that in mind when you're listening to this what are you doing mate don't know what i've done mate but i'm a i'm a cripple and i'm upset about my uncle oblo and even though we're on family fortunes we're still doing a podcast so a big round of applause all around for us welcome to the show i don't know why we've been worried about this one anyway this episode should write itself really because it is 69 69 isn't it oh podcast episode 69 yeah episode 69er probably right itself what are you doing down there oh that's nice

turn 69 on you oh but get that out can you not sit there I mean what you're doing is nice but what's that don't mind it myself I just like my personal space so this injury I've got

yeah this back thing we don't know how it's come about I've had a little look at it haven't I because I've been the physio of the day yeah well we went to when I picked, well, we went to, when I picked you up today, we went to Asda for me to get some Nurofen. Yeah, well, I mean, we went

to Asda for you to get some Nurofen. You nearly left the shop holding only Portal 2 and 2 head torches. Very, very nearly, yeah. Very nearly. And that, I think, is a sign of the sort of man I am. The fact that I wake up in considerable pain

and then go to the shop to get Neurofem, but then end up buying a PlayStation 3 game and a torch I can strap to my head. For literally no good reason. No, you just thought you might need it one day. No good reason, because you know what? Thinking about it now, that PlayStation 3 game probably lights itself up.

The telly does a lot of the work, doesn't it? I don't know why i bought a torch for that yeah just in case you want to play it in in the dark but you said now i'm fond of a massage me you are and you said but off a lady you see but we've talked about this in the past we're both fond of obviously because little massage off a lady usually means here we go or something else right here we go right girl hey boy but superstar massage but here we go not it we go, right? Egg girl, egg boy. Superstar massage. Here we go. But it's not a nice massage in and of itself, is it? Not always. The only good, nice massages you can really get are off either strong lady or boy.

And there are girls that are kind of puny and can't do it. But I have also, in my life, known girls who have been strong enough to do it. Yeah, but did you check? What do you mean? I'm saying everyone, every girl. Every girl you've had a massage off. I've had meat and to do it. Yeah, but did you check? What do you mean? I'm saying everyone, every girl. Every girl you've had a massage off. Might have had meat and potatoes down their pants. Yeah, looked in the little pants.

Yeah. Human cock. Do you know what? Thinking about it, the ones that I then went on to have sexual relations with were always very adamant that it was round the back. Round the back. Round the back.

No feeling round the front. No feeling round the front. I'm going to put my hand here and cup something. No kissing on the face after 10am. Yeah. Maybe that was like, I would notice the stubble. Yeah, yeah. Notice the stubble that grows from 10am onwards.

Yeah, well, no, we often start at like 3am. Right, okay. In the morning times. But anyway, we got to Asda. You said you wanted a little massage. Yeah, gave you a little massage, mate. Nothing wrong with that. In Asda car park.

Yeah. What he did was, you found it. Well, you said, oh, no, that is like rock hard. Yeah. And I said, what? He said, that's rock hard, that. And I said, well, what did you expect, the way you're touching my back? Yeah.

And so you found out where the muscle problem was. Yeah. And it is a muscle. I probably did dig down. Yeah. And then we did... Put my hand... It was like putting my hand in, you know,

Robin Williams' flubber. Right. Put my hand in that and it... My whole... Right up to my wrist. Right. Just enveloped my wrist.

It was like... It was like my arm was a stick and you were a novelty lollipop. Right. Just stuck in there. And that's what you... And then I found

your nice hard muscle and gave it a rub. Yeah. Yeah. That's in there. And then I found you a nice hard muscle and gave it a rub. Yeah. That's not very nice, is it? That's my favourite thing, because you were doing your, yeah, just building up to a big slam or a put down, and then you just went,

yeah, it's not very nice, that. But we realised when we were stood there, I just said, we perhaps shouldn't really be doing this in the middle of Asda's car park. No. Because they don't know that we're just mates in real life. No, they might think that we're displaying our wares. Yeah, they might think that we're going, you know what,

we might think we're like tatchling it up a little bit. And just giving it all like, we'll have a nice kiss here. Yeah. Oh, we'll do all gay in the car park. Oh, we're going to give you a rubdown at Asda car park. Then we'll be going push over a nun. Yeah, to make a point about it. We weren't doing that.

No. It was just they had a spasm in my back. They had a spasm in his back. It was sorted out. Speaking of all the gays, I did the bear ball on Saturday night. Oh, the bear ball again. Yeah. You do that every year now, don't you?

No, no, I've not. You did it last year, didn't you? No, about two years ago, I think. All right, you did it two years ago, didn't you? I've no, I've not. You did it last year, didn't you? No, about two years ago, I think. All right, you did it two years ago, didn't you? I've done one before. Yeah. And I did it again this year. Yeah, regular.

Yeah, in Manchester, just off Canal Street, where I believe the gays live. Yeah, they live there, yeah. Yeah, I went and did that. So what it is, it's kind of big, heavy-set men. Now, is it only those men go to it, or is it people who appreciate those sorts of men? I'd say probably 90% those men. Okay, so bears begat bears. It it, or is it people who appreciate those sorts of men? I'd say probably 90%

those men. Okay, so bears begat bears. It's an odd thing, the bears, you know. They call them bears, so they're big heavyset hairy men who are attracted to big heavyset hairy men. So there's not like little unhairy... I think they're called... I think that's cubs, I think.

Oh, right. Some people like that. But mainly it is, you know, eye for an eye. Yeah. Quite an odd thing, because it would be considered as a general thing. Yeah. Incorrectly, of course, but it would be considered to not be

necessarily an aesthetically pleasing thing. Right. To be a big, you know, people like me, and like you, I suppose. Not hairy. Kind of fat blokes. I'm not hairy. It's not considered attractive, is it?

Generally speaking. No. But there are people that blokes. I'm not hairy. It's not considered attractive, is it? Generally speaking. No. But there are people that love it. I think you're lovely, mate. I think you're lovely. I'd give you a kiss if I was that way inclined. But they like what they look like. Yeah.

So it's kind of narcissistic, but narcissistic without really earning it. Just positive. Without really earning it. Just positive self-image. Absolutely. And do you know what? An amazing audience.

Very, very, really cool as an audience. Well, no, I mean, it makes me sick. just positive self-image absolutely and do you know what an amazing audience very very really cool as an audience comedy audience well no I mean it makes me it makes me sick I know and it makes you wretch

but if you went to the gig it's actually I wouldn't get I would go hello yeah I'd go look I'm not joking I think you're wonderful people

and I support what but it's something there's just something in my body why would you do it? Would that be because as soon as you see them, you'd be on your knees and they'd... I'd just smell it.

They'd all be coming up onto the stage and one by one just putting it... Just shoving it in your mouth. Would they? And you're going... I like that one. Is that not a bit horrible to say that they'd all just immediately start putting their cocks in things?

Right, well, do you know what? What? You would think so. Yeah. But I think, on an absolutely truthful level, that at the bare ball, I always feel there's always the possibility of a friendly rape. I don't even think it's malicious. Yeah.

So that's what I always feel. I've just had a thought. Each section of the gay community can be represented by a rainbow character. Yeah, what other sections are there in the gay community? Bungles. What other bungles? Bears, right? Bears, yeah.

Zippies. Yeah, what are they like? S&M. S&M stuff, yeah. Georges. Yeah. Like the proper... The proper ooh.

Yeah, you're right. You're perfectly right. Jeffreys. Yeah. Old men who are hiding it from their wives. And Rod, Jane and Freddy's. Yeah, we all know what they are. I heard the greatest, possibly gayest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Right. At the Bears Bowl. And by the way, this is all very light-hearted. You know, obviously, I think people who listen and who know us know what we really think about this. But it should be sentenced to damnation in hell. No, but they know that we're being

fucking deliberately naughty. But, there was a comedian called Chris Brooker on the stage, right? Yeah. And he was fine, he was doing okay,

and you know, they were laughing along and stuff. But there was one point where he was talking about getting very angry. Yeah. And I was by the side of the stage watching it.

I was in the audience of the stage watching it. I was in the audience with the bears and that. I just stood with them. And he said the phrase, he went, and something snapped inside me. And the bloke next to me just went, oh, don't. And I screamed laughing. I was on the floor just laughing and laughing.

And I saw Chris Brooker look over at me, like quite proud. And I had to just go, I'm not laughing at you. You're fine, but I'm not. You want to hear what he just said? I'm not a watcher of Britain's Got Talent, but my attention was drawn to Elaine Williams. Yeah, I've seen it. The comedian on it.

Yeah. The lady. Yeah. Now, what do we think? Can anyone definitively tell us whether she's real or whether it's a character a brilliant character yeah or what what the deal is with that yeah go on youtube and have a look for the longer one as well of her at the manchester comedy store yeah that's the one that's the first one i saw um and then i saw a clip of the britain's got talent also on youtube yeah which interestingly you said a nice thing about michael mcintyre about that i said that it tells you um all you need to know about Michael McIntyre

that as a comedian, he wasn't pissing himself laughing watching it. Yeah, he should have been in bits. Yeah. Genuinely hilarious. So can we find out, maybe you are Elaine Williams. Oh, I'd love it if Elaine listens to this. Do you know what? If you want to even tell us off the record,

if you want to tell us off the record that it's a character that you're doing, do, and we won't repeat it. I would advise you all to go and watch it. Yeah. and then maybe after that you can go and watch our things and fucking comment on it yeah thank you yeah and go and watch warm-up on bbc online yeah if it's there god i hope that's up by now it must be up by now yeah big c o co.uk online that's the comedy bit and our film warm-up in there please please if it is uh register on there and leave comments yeah supportive of it. It's very, very important

as part of the army which we're going to do now. Yeah, it's army time. Starting downbeat this week on the army because of course we have to have our execution.

Are we going to start with the execution? Yeah, we've got to mate. We can't end with it. Okay. Last week we had three up for execution against the wall.

Three against the wall, one must fall I believe was the phrase. Three against the wall, one must fall, who shall it be?. Three against the wall, one must fall. Who shall it be? Shall I give a quick rundown of who's there? Yeah.

Jack Rebel. Yes. Looking a bit terrified. Yeah. Up against the wall, guns facing him. Can't even remember why. No. Moominpappa, up against the wall.

Yeah, why was that? Moominpappa said they were thinking about maybe making a flag. Yeah, but didn't do anything yet. Joe Weldon, up against the wall there. Joe Weldon just asked for a rank. Yeah, up against the wall. So, it's dawn. It Weldon, up against the wall there. Joe Weldon just asked for a rank. Yeah, up against the wall. So, it's dawn. It's dawn.

What's going to happen? It's time for one of you to be shot by 40 men. In the face. Well, we don't know where. Face and body. We don't even know who's going to take you out because they're all aiming at you. Yeah, they're all aiming at your face and body and legs. Yeah, that's how they do it.

Let's find out who's going to be shot. Right. Ready! Aim! Aim! Fire! Oh, that was horrible. Oh, dear. Oh, dead.

Down he goes. Who was it? Moominpappa. Moominpappa's been shot dead. I'll tell you for why, shall I? At Firing Squad. Go on. Basically, Moominpappa then said they hadn't made the flag.

That was their contribution this week. They were thinking about maybe making a flag, and then they didn't make a flag. Dead. Right, there you go. Joe Weldon just escaped it because he said he'd get a tattoo. He was genuinely asking suggestions for a tattoo. Oh, was that him?

Yeah. Yeah, he wanted a tattoo of Fraser. So he's actually got a rank this week. He's gone from firing squad wall to having a rank. What's that? Nice boy, idiot. Nice boy for saying you'd have a tattoo, idiot, if you have it. Yeah.

But that's not to say you can't have it. Yeah. But we can't be seen to be encouraging it. The problem is I'm kind of torn over it because I love the idea. And he's going to be torn. He's going to be torn all over his body. Too, right? I love the idea of somebody getting a tattoo for the rest of the podcast.

I love the idea of that. Yeah. But I don't have to look at it every day. No, that's true. I will have to live with it forever. No, no. And you will. But if you go for it. Yeah. Take a picture of that. Make sure you're live with it forever and you will but if you go for it

take a picture of that. Make sure you're happy with it. Me and Emma both sign it underneath maybe you can then have a tattoo over that. Have a tattoo of our signatures. That'd be great, wouldn't it?

By the way, I sign all my things I am a bellend. And what's, how did Jack escape? Jack, fuck knows how Jack Rubble escaped. He's obviously found

a little crack in the wall. Probably because me and my papa were so inept. Yeah, I think Jack you've only been saved by other people being worse than you.

Come out with a couple of corkers this week, including you're really pushing this best of idea because you claimed you were worried that people might be offended by the podcast

if you suggested it to them. And also, when you play people bits of the podcast, it's always the bits that aren't funny. Is that what he said? Yeah.

The problem as well, Jack, is because Jack wants to make a best of. Yeah. But the thing is, if you entice somebody with a best of. Yeah. But the thing is if you entice somebody with a best of and then they go yeah I like that and then when they go and listen to all the rest of them it's like oh but the rest

of it's rubbish. That's no use to anyone. It's either going to be for someone or it's not going to be for someone. And if it's not there's no point tricking him. Same as your idea of keep wanting to put it on porn videos. On YouTube was one of the ones where he wanted just to have bikini waxes or something.

Pretend it's two girls getting bikini waxes but then they turn out it's me and you. If I did go and look for porn on the internet and then I was tricked into looking at a podcast I wouldn't stick with the podcast. I've got a wank to get to, haven't I? Also, one of Jack's other suggestions this

week was simply Peacock and Gamble car stickers. Yeah, great idea, Jack. You make them, that's fine.

I mean, if you're saying that is an idea, someone else is going to do it. Why are we here, Jack? Just pop yourself

against that wall. Jack, you've got away with it this time, but pop yourself against that wall. Back against that wall a minute.

Yeah. If you come back going, put the podcast on the radio. Yeah, you've got to do the things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can't just, here's an idea. Get a television series. Oh, here's one. Put it on the side of an air balloon. Make it law to listen to the podcast. Put it on a big banner behind an aeroplane. So you can see. Don't get us wrong, Jack,

because I know sometimes you take it seriously and you mustn't. You absolutely mustn't take it seriously. But get against that wall, Jack. But get against that Jack because I know sometimes you take this seriously and you mustn't you absolutely mustn't take this seriously but get against that wall Jack but get against that wall because you might get shot next week has he got a rank this week well he was pet micro pig wasn't he

he was pet micro pig can we just leave him as pet micro pig no I think I think I'm going to make him Tamagotchi don't drag your Tamagotchi this week

drag your Tamagotchi this week now go and put yourself against that wall you little Tamagotchi put yourself against that wall and mind your batteries but thank you for your ideas

but we've got to think a little bit more logically. I know we're all having fun with it and it is a laugh but we've got to think more logically about how we can genuinely promote stuff.

Just like maybe comment on videos that sort of thing. Yeah, yeah. People seem to think it's about making money as well. There is an overall thing like Jack said as well

this week. He's just going to give us some money. You said you're going to give us some money at our gig in Bath and we don't need to do that jack we're not after money what what this is about is getting power yeah controlling people yeah so that kind of almost a dictatorship i mean sure the money will follow the money will come somewhere down the line we'll take your money from you but in the first instance it's not about making money

it's not about oh here's five pounds you keep your five pounds keep it jack pop it in your pocket and if you get shot next week then we'll remember to take it out so let's plow through this let's go we'll just do the best ones right hey give gt pod um a rank the money is made readypedia oh reddipedia.com yeah so r-e-a-d-y yeah Yeah. P-D-A..co.uk. Yeah. It has made that, which is a blossoming site. Yeah. Not much on it at the moment. No. But you can see what it's going to be.

Yeah. It's a fan site, fan run site. Yeah. For me and Ed. Get on there. Do you want a rank for GTPod? Absolutely a rank. Goebbels.

Goebbels. You can be Goebbels. And you're one of the main promotions this week. So well done. Well done, GTPod. What a duty, pardon, being a Goebbels. Matt Ebbs. He made a series of posters

and stuck them up all around his school. Yeah, and they're going, anyone can say that. Or college. Do we say college? I don't know where it is. Just wherever he goes

in the daytime. Yeah, yeah. Borstal. Yeah. But they might be saying, oh, well, I could just say that. No, he's providing us with photographic evidence.

All over the building he's stuck these posters and of him doing it yeah he's proper and we know of at least two people who've come to us and said they're now

listening to it that's totally true no he's got a rank what's his rank dragon wrestler well then Ebbs you're a dragon wrestler and I would imagine

that Ebbs would enjoy that as a rank yeah I absolutely love him I do like him a lot a nice king that's somebody on the site yeah has done

a YouTube video and a song, a song of the YouTube video of your Mrs Brown on the Piccadilly Line, Cockney song. Yeah, the Cockney songs. It's brilliant. And shown all sort of old photos of musicals and things like that. Yeah, it's very, very good. It's on YouTube.

It's brilliant. So A Nice King now has the rank of Lovely Queen. A Nice King has become a Lovely Queen. There you go. What a great rank for you, A Nice King, Lovely Queen. Nude's done a song as well. Nude's maintaining. Nude's doing pretty

well. Nude is maintaining aye. Yeah done Eurovision song set some music to your Eurovision song.

Holding hands yeah. Now Joseph suggested that you Ray ask Russell Howard to plug it.

That I ask Russell to plug the podcast. So what he's doing is he's making you do something. Before we do

this just put yourself against that wall. Yeah against the wall. He's making you make an effort to tell someone

else to make an effort and he's made no effort. And it's also pointless anyway because I think regularly Russell will promote the podcast. Yeah. Been on his blogs on

BBC Online. He speaks about it. He said it after you've been doing your stand-up. On the stand-up on TV. Yeah. So pop yourself up

against that wall. Yeah, go against the wall, Joseph. Alex Mapp maintained his status. Yeah, went quiet for a few days and then he came back and did some more of his Amazon reviews. Yeah, he did. Yeah, well done, Alex Mapp. Dodd.

Yeah. Dodd's done a Star Wars based poster. Oh, I liked that. I used to put it on the internet. You didn't like it because you had a double chin? Oh, I actually look like Jabba, so it works out perfectly. Yeah, fine. But it's also got the apple.

Yes. Which I drew a face on for you, which I notice isn't there anymore. So, he's done a Star Wars poster, so I thought I'd connect it with that. He's Dr. Spock. Got that wrong on loads of levels, haven't you? It's not Star Wars. Dr. Spock, well done, Dodd. And he was Mr. Spock.

Go on. That's the army news. Two against the wall. Joseph versus Jack. Joseph versus Jack. This week. Big showdown. Two against the wall.

One will fall. Who will it be? And one will fall. Kim, come on. Keep it up. Sir, yes, sir. Heil, army. Heil, Hitler.

Is that right? No, that's not right. I've seen that on a film. Yeah, wrong film. Got to go. What? Got to go in a minute. Who's got to go in a minute?

Me. Why don't we go? Got to go get my mum a birthday card because I've not got her a birthday card yet. I need to go and get one and I don't know what time the birthday card shop shuts. When's your mum's birthday? Tomorrow. So you're getting your mum's birthday card the night before her birthday?

Yes, I am. That's terrible. No. Why have you left it so late? And also, why are you goading me with your mum? But you've got a mum. Who's having a birthday. You've got a mum.

Is it my mum's birthday? No. No, that's September the 9th, mate. Age is off. Yeah. So why are you showing off like you're my mum on her birthday? Well, I just need to go and get her a card is what I'm saying.

Right, why have you not got her a card yet? Because I've got the presents. I just don't... I don't think that cards matter really, but... Well, do you know what? I agree with you entirely on that. Right, there you go. I'll tell you what matters.

Yep. Presents. No wrapping. Presents. Don't bother with that crap. Wrapping is stupid. Yeah. Wrapping is stupid.

Wrapping, I call it. Wrapping. Yeah, I call it twat-offing. To make a point, I'm going to do a crap on the present, rub all the crap over it, and then go, there's your crapping. There's your crapping paper, give it half an hour with an air dryer until it dries out. Yeah, and then chip it off with your teeth. Yeah, chip it off with your teeth, Mum, and then be careful you don't eat your present. Yeah, happy birthday, Mum, eat my shit. Although, weirdly, the present is a box of chocolates anyway.

So you will have to eat it at some point underneath the wrapping. The wrapping that comes with it. I've never understood wrapping paper. And say what, I get it when it's Christmas time. If it's Christmas and you've got presents out under a tree or whatever, I understand it for keeping them secret. And it looks quite nice then. Yeah, that's fine.

But if you're just going to go to someone, oh, happy birthday, here's your present. Why does it have to be wrapped? Yeah, stick it in a little bag. I like little presentational bags. that's fine um but if you're just gonna go someone oh happy birthday here's your present why does it have to be wrapped yeah stick it in a little bag i like little presentational bags that's fine okay but even that i think he's just quite cynical and just making money for people excessively expensive yeah for someone that could just be shoved in a marks and spencers bag yeah which you've not paid for yeah like that's gonna happen because marks and spencers they get on my nerves marks and spencers why i was at a rally the other day in a garage really because i went to the garage.

I've had this ride before. And the bloke went, do you want a bag? And I went, yeah, clearly I want a bag. Look, I've bought loads of stuff. Yeah. I had petrol

and I bought loads of stuff. Yeah. And he went, that's 5p. And I went, well then no. Why? And I went, why is it 5p? For any environment.

No, that's what he said. It's an environment. It's a petrol station. Yeah, but that's not... How can you sit in a petrol station which is doing more harm to the environment than anything in any bag? What, so you're not going to drive anymore? I never said that. But the petrol station, which is doing more harm to the environment than anything, than any bag?

What, so you're not going to drive anymore? I never said that. But the petrol station, that exists, that's selling petrol. That's fine, you've got to admit that that's happening. So to offset some of that, why not start charging for bags so less people buy bags? That's fine, if somebody goes in there and goes 20 salt cut and can have a bag, I understand that then. But if you've got a load of stuff in a shop that's already marked up. Yeah, so then you need to buy a bag.

No, but you're not paying for that at cost price, all that stuff. So factoring into that is profit, is paying for staff and paying for services. All it is is...

Under which should come bags. No, take your own bags with you. I'm not in a car full of bags. Have a bag in the boot. Have a bag for life in the boot. No. Have a bag in the boot. No, I'm not in a bag in the boot.

Right, well... No, I'm not in a bag in the boot. And also, the thing in my car as well, I have the roof down, I've got those bags in the car, I want to start flying out. I'm going to fly out

the top of the car and you're all going to fly off to Iceland and I'll go in and I'll be penguin's mouth. Right. Right, here's a tip, Fred. What?

If you've bought loads of stuff and you don't want to buy a bag, eat some of it before you go. Eat it in the shop? Eat it in the shop then carry the rest out with your handbags. I will do it. And then I'll say, do you know what?

I want to do this. I'm in there. What? There's something I want to say. Actually, do you know what? Instead of paying five people a bag, what I'm going to do is I'm going to take this pasty, right? I'm going to take it out of its wrapping.

Yeah. You can keep that wrapping. Yeah, that's fair enough. You have that. I'll swap it here for a bag. That's fair enough. And I'll pop that in there. And they've got to

by law do that well they don't but I get the point you're making by law they have got to do that they don't mate yeah they do

they really don't well I'm good at that in a shop I'm good at saying mate by law you've got to do I'm good at persuading people you've been with me

when we were in that shop in Sheffield the comic book shop at Meadowhall which has since closed down. The Last Picture Show, it was called. Oh, Last Picture has something. And I think they've finished now, they've gone.

Yeah, because of you. Because I refused to pay full price to that comic. Because it had a different price tag on it. At the wrong price. I've done that before, though, as well. It's not true, that's a common misconception. I just stood there and argued. I went, no, by law yeah if you have got it labeled

at that price you've got to sell it at that price and that's absolute bollocks yeah that's a that's an absolute urban legend yeah at any point in a shop they can go it's not even for sale that now i withdraw it from sales their shops their product but i did it just battered him into submission yeah but i'm not sure you'd get away with it by taking a pasty out of the packaging giving them the pasty packaging and saying i'll swap that for a bag i think it will confuse them i'll go no that is a law that if i surrender my packaging yeah you've got to give me a bag i think it should be i think if they're charging for bags which i get as an idea and it's fine they should also um significantly reduce the amount of packaging they're using yeah well yeah but i mean that's i think we should just have barrels of

things and you go along with your mug yeah everyone gets a mug at birth and you just dip in what you want take your mug home pour that in um your coffee pot so that's coffee then back to the shop beans i see your mug pour that back out back to the shop cheese in your mug few cubes of cheese why don't you just have like a really massive mug okay so it's a big huge thing yeah a barrel a proper barrel big barrel and you do just you just scoop things up in the supermarket And that's everything in there like like an enormous pick and mix Yeah, and you just pay for everyone pays five pounds and what you get you get just fill your barrel Yeah, and so yeah, that's what the shops are all called your barrels fill your barrel like in the leg

No, most of us get a lego pieces. Yeah, give you a little cup fill that which I want you want Yeah, pick whichever pieces you want. Yeah. Once it's full, it's full. Yeah. Fill your barrel. Hello, welcome to Fill Your Barrel. Have you brought your barrel?

No, I haven't. Well, get out. You need your barrel. Yeah, get out. It's not for people like you. Everyone gets a barrel. Oh, you lost your barrel? Right, I'll look then.

I'll look. Either go and make a barrel, and it's going to also fulfil. But I can't make a barrel. Where do I get all the stuff from well from fill your barrel fill your barrel and even then it's literally pot luck

as to what you get and say it's always been available all the stuff's always been available at fill your barrel so if you waited until you lost your barrel

before you filled your barrel before you made a new barrel if you waited until you lost your barrel before you filled your barrel to make a new barrel then more bloody fill you yeah you should be filling your barrel making an extra barrel in case you lost your barrel before you filled your barrel to make a new barrel, then more bloody fool you. Yeah, you should be filling your barrel,

making an extra barrel in case you lost your barrel. Yeah, so get out there, sit down, and you can watch everyone else filling their barrels and have a little think. Have a little think now, and you've got to apply to the government for a new barrel which can take between six and eight months. Because they've got to check and make sure

that you haven't secretly got a barrel at home. Yeah, and now you're going to... Your original barrel. And you're going to double barrel. Yeah, because you can't double barrel stuff at the shop. So please bear all this in mind. Incidentally, if anyone's listening to this now going, what the fucking hell

are you talking about? The problem we've got is we've been recording British Airways podcasts today. Yeah. Because we're the exclusive official podcast of British Airways. We are.

We're going to be on the wings. Not this one now. No, this one isn't. We've recorded bespoke ones for them, special ones for them. Yeah. Including best of British Airways. We are. We're going to be on the wings. Not this one now. No, this one isn't. We've recorded Bespoke Once, Special Once, including Best Of Stuff, which we can't release, unfortunately,

because it is just for British Airways. Yeah. So you'll have to go on a plane. Get on a plane to listen to them. If you're that much of a fan, I wouldn't. Yeah. I wouldn't do that.

You know, they're fine, but we've had to behave on them. Yeah. So now we're just cutting loose a little bit. We can't have the barrel conversation. No, too weird. No, too weird. Yeah, too weird and also people might go

oh barrel Osama Bar-ul-ad and they might start thinking and then equate it to terrorism which we're not allowed to speak about on our British Airways

podcast. No, we're not. Surprisingly we're not allowed to talk about plane crashes. Yeah, they keep going on about it. Don't mention a plane crash.

Should we even be talking about this now? I've no idea. Yeah. We are. This is the sort of thing I'll be getting a phone call from James about. Yep, I'll be getting a phone call off my manager about this. Yeah, perhaps don't say that. You'll lose the job. Oh no, we'll lose the job.

That's us bankrupt then, isn't it? And we'll be managed without all that money. But anyway, none of this solves the problem of your mum. No. And a birthday card. No, I'm just getting her a barrel, mate. Mate, you'll get her a birthday card and a barrel. Yeah.

And that's for wrapping paper, I agree with you, but I suppose with it being a birthday and it is the way of doing things. Yeah. Maybe what you could do, tomorrow morning, just go in when your mum's asleep into her bedroom and I know you do that sometimes anyway,

because I know your mum sleeps very much like an old lady in a gnome. So she sleeps with the covers up over her chest. Yeah. And her arms outside the covers. Right. Flat on her thighs. Right.

Like she's waiting for a post-mortem. Yeah, very serenely. Yeah. She's a very serene lady, my mum. Yeah. She lays like that. Yeah. Often with headphones with Radio 5 on, right,

which we're not even sure she can still hear. And she lays there like that with her eyes shut. I don't know what you should do then. You go in there, just pop her presents. You know, you've got to probably gift vouchers. Pop them underneath her hands. Yeah. Yeah, like that.

Very cold hands. But it's a circulation at that age. Pop them underneath her hands so she's holding the presents. Yeah. Blindfold. Wake her up. Mama, mama.

Mama. And she go. She go? No, she go. She go she go is that you edward where's she from scandinavia and you go yes it's me mama i've brought you why do i speak like this it is your birthday so soon so soon my birthday yes mama it's your birthday edward i cannot see because you put a blindfold on her. And you go, that's okay, Mama. I've just put a blindfold on your eyes. Is she the grandma from The Witches?

I've just put a blindfold on your eyes. And then what you do is you go, tell me when you're ready to open your presents, Mama. What the? And she goes, okay, Edward, I think I am ready now. Right, which is heartbreaking because it's like, I think I'm ready to die. But that's not what she's saying. She's saying, I think I'm ready to die but that's not what she's saying she's saying

I think I'm ready to resume my presence now peel off the blindfold and that's like opening the presence pop the blindfold in the chest of drawers use it again next year

if if God willing she's still with us I hope she is she will be won't she she will she'll be fine

I mean she won't be anywhere near you after that why I think I'd make a lovely new husband for your mum you know you've said this before She will. She'll be fine. I mean, she won't be anywhere near you after that, but... Why? I think I'd make a lovely new husband for your mum. You know, yeah, but you've said this before. And what... I mean, you've never met my mum.

I know that's why I think I'd be a lovely husband for her. I think... I'd be a surprise. The first day you meet my mum, I'm going to play all the excerpts from the podcast where you've been talking about her. Yeah, but do you know what's going to happen? What?

You'll be there with your ghetto blaster, sniggering, thinking you're causing trouble. Yeah. You'll turn round and we'll be necking, you'll turn round and we'll be going full at it.

Yeah. And you'll be like, oh, you sly dog. All that time you knew this was going to happen. And I'll take my lips

off your hands and just go, yeah, baby. Yeah. Like that. And it'd be like the end of an American film.

I mean, when I've seen your mum sleep, of an american film i mean when i've seen your mom sleep um i've noticed she barely well you've seen my mom sleep well she's she's staying awake interesting uh interesting fact about your mom she's never she's never laid down she well of course if she lays down yeah um all her brain will come out her ear because it's very very sort of liquidy yeah uh so she always needs to stand up, bolt upright. Yeah. Bolt upright in the night. I mean, it's just... Sleeps in the corner of the room. She's managed to decompose Mentus. Yeah. No, no, I know, I know, but... She just does a

brain that will just, like, slide about, though. And every night, she wakes up for exactly two minutes and she never remembers this. Exactly two minutes. Yeah. And she goes down to the park. Yeah. Right? Just, which is just outside your house. Right. In the park. You open the door straight out into the park. Oh, right. Beautiful place. I don't know that one. Straight out into the park down to the park. Yeah. Right? Which is just outside your house. Right. In the park. You open the door straight out into the park. Oh, right.

Beautiful place. I don't know that one. Straight out into the park to the tree next to your house. Yeah. And she'll just chip away at it. Just chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip. Just for two minutes. Yeah.

Just for two minutes a night. Doing this for 50 years she's been doing this. Right, okay. And the tree's still there. The tree's still there. She's been chipping, hollowing it out, hollowing it out. Okay, okay. Because in 70 chipping, hollowing it out, hollowing it out, right? Okay, okay. Because in 70 years' time,

in another 70 years, there'll be perfect little shit in there and she'll get in there and then what'll happen, there'll be a big flood and your mum'll be in the tree and it'll wash down and take the tree down but your mum's in there

and she wakes up and goes, what's going on, what's going on? But she's made an ark. Yeah, your mum's made an ark and she will be tasked with rebuilding the human race. Well, that's fine then. Well, at least she will survive though. Yeah. Maybe mum's made an arc and she will be tasked with rebuilding the human race. Well, that's fine then.

At least she will survive, though. Yeah. Maybe if the arc goes past the gents' toilets on the way, she can pick your mum up as well. If your mum's not too busy sucking knobs down the toilets again. Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed

by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Seidhorten. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a Ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk. See you next week.