Transcript
Discussion (0)
Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
I bloody hate that girl.
What? You can't start it like that.
The little girl at the beginning.
Oh, welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
You're not even on it.
I don't know why you're in charge of announcing it.
She is on it though.
She's on it at the beginning and at the end.
Yeah, she doesn't add anything to it. Why are you
being like that? She's a bloody diva. God, I tell you what. She is a diva. We recorded
that with her, she was like, ooh, get me a bowl of minstrels with all the brown ones
taken out. Do you know what, if this is how you're going to be with girls every time one
knocks you back, then you don't deserve a wife. Well, I don't know why she knocked me back.
Either way.
Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
And at the end, she can't even say podcast.
Podcast.
You listen to it, right?
And then see if you still like it.
She can't even say podcast.
Right, well, that's how it's going to be called from now on.
Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
I am Ray Puklock, and I'm here with...
Ed Gamble.
Hello, Ed Gamble.
Hello, how are you?
I was already in my bad books after that.
Right.
And you shouldn't be speaking like this anyway, because this is a very special episode, as well you know.
Oh, it is actually, yeah, you're right.
Why is it?
It's the time capsule episode.
This is our time capsule episode.
What's happening is, you've probably read about it in the papers,
there's going to be a big time capsule buried near my house.
It's basically in one of the gardens of my house.
And we've decided that this is going to be the episode
that we're going to put in the time capsule.
Yeah.
We have to decide an episode,
and we thought, well, rather than doing one that's gone before,
let's record a special one
that is just good for that time capsule thing.
So we're putting in this episode.
Yeah.
What else are we putting in?
Oh, I don't know.
Newspaper.
Oh, yeah, a newspaper.
From the day.
Birth certificate.
Yeah.
Cup of coffee.
Passport.
Bank details. Yeah. Cup of coffee. Passport. Bank details.
All cash.
Yeah, all our credit cards and things.
All our shoes.
Put all them in there.
And me.
And Ed is going in it as well.
Dressed as a caveman to get people excited.
Yeah, but we're going to keep one of Ed's hands outside of the soil.
Just so he can wave if he's having trouble breathing.
Make it like the end of Carrie.
Yeah, so if you're listening
to this in the future,
welcome to the show.
Yeah.
And it was a very big podcast
this was in the 2000s.
2000s.
Don't say 90s.
Your mum will text you again.
Very, very popular.
Huge.
And famous.
Famous it was actually
at the time.
And I'm very famous.
Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble
who's with me
is very famous as well.
Yeah, I am.
We were famous
men of the day. Well, I was, of course, started off as a very famous, Ray Peacock, and Ed Gamble, who's with me, he was very famous as well. Yeah, I am. We were famous men of the day.
Well, I was, of course, started off as a very famous comedian.
Yeah.
But then when I started to get into football, I turned into the biggest goal scorer for Manchester United.
Yeah, that's right.
Now that is Ed Gamble over there.
Yeah.
And I am famous for something else.
So, I hope you enjoy listening to it.
I hope you enjoy a little taste of our culture.
Yeah.
Welcome to the show.
Hey, now this has worked out quite well, because we're doing our time capsule episode, that's
going into the time capsule.
Yeah.
And last week, you spoke about how you were going to try and connect with our audience
a bit more.
Yeah.
Because they are so far in the future of now.
They are a bit far off, aren't they?
Yeah, and I remember you made a promise last week.
You said you were going to do a local story.
Yeah, done it, mate.
Done it?
Yeah.
Get out of there.
Yeah, got it here, mate.
All right.
Right, so this is...
Do you want to introduce it yourself?
Right, okay.
This is a story.
What it's all about and that?
It's a bit of romance,
a bit of political intrigue,
a bit of action.
Right.
Funny bits, sad bits,
all set in the future
to connect with the audience in the future.
Now, obviously, I don't know what it's going to be like in the future,
but I've had a bloody good guess and put it in the story.
So you've written some literature based on your vision of the future?
Yeah, which will hopefully be true.
Okay.
All right. The main character is Jake Blade.
Jake Blade? Okay.
Yeah.
That is pretty futuristic.
Yeah, I know, the Blade.
Now, would people... How old is he?
50.
He's 50. Now, that's already, before you've
even started reading it, I see a problem with that.
What? Well, you give him a futuristic name,
but he's fifty years old. Alright, twenty.
Well, even twenty years old. That's like twenty years ago
he was christened Jake Blade. But do you
know how far in the future this is? How far?
Twenty-seventy. Twenty-seventy? Yeah.
We're not that far behind on the fucking podcast. Well, I don't know.
It's taking a while to do this one if you keep doing this.
Alright, go on. I'm listening.
Right.
Jake Blade put on his silver sunglasses and his silver boots and stomped over the silver street towards the silver hardware shop.
Right.
I know.
I'm just going to tell you now.
Everything in my vision of the future, right?
Is silver.
Is all silver, right?
Okay.
Apart from 5p coins.
Right.
Which are made from gas.
Okay.
He had the powerful arm of Frank Bruno. made from gas. Okay. He had the
powerful arm
of Frank Bruno.
The actual one?
Yeah, which he won
in a scissor fight.
Jake was a
freedom fighter
brackets
from the future
but the present
if you think about it.
I just want to make sure
people know it's in the future.
Battling against
the oppression
of the evil dictator
Borden Ground.
Borden Ground. Borden Ground.
Yeah, I've done a clever thing there.
Do you know what?
I can't even see through that.
Right.
That's brilliant.
Who had followed in the footsteps of evil puppy rapists.
Can I guess?
You go on.
Boney Tlair?
Nope.
Bloney Tare.
Okay, I was near.
I was close.
Yeah, you were close.
But you see what I'm doing anyway.
Yeah, I do see what you're doing.
You're making everything silver and then transposing initials.
But let's be honest, that is what the future will be like.
Yeah, no, I think if Isaac Asimov was still alive today,
this is the sort of stuff he would be writing.
He strutted up to the vendor and asked for the bolt he needed.
The vendor gave him the price and Jake duly squirted 5p into his hand.
It's a gas.
Yeah, do you remember it?
Yeah, I got it, yeah.
Jake had decided to build himself his own perfect girl.
A bit like the film Weird Science, but for copyright reasons own perfect girl. A bit like the film Weird Science,
but for copyright reasons,
not at all a bit like the film Weird Science.
Good call.
He returned to his future workshop on the bus,
which flew or something.
I was struggling for ideas at that bit.
No, it's good, though.
He went through the door.
He didn't even need a key, probably,
just his eye or a thought.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
He had the last piece he needed,
the final jigsaw bit to create his metal wife. He had been planning to do this ever since the year 2059, Okay, yeah, yeah.
Right.
Do you get it or not?
Sadly, I do, yes.
Right. He clicked the last bolt into place and she sat bolt upright.
That's not very good.
Eyes glowing like two converted car cigarette lighters,
they were then.
Outside, the sun clicked off
until the world janitor plugged it back in.
A mile away,
you could hear the final scream of an old man-wolf,
finally losing his battle to duck cancer.
Is that, um...
Is that your natural conclusion to swine flu? Yeah. It eventually to duck cancer. Is that, um... Is that your natural conclusion to swine flu?
Yeah.
It eventually becomes duck cancer.
Yeah, and again, men wolf get it.
Very good, Ash.
But to Jake, none of this mattered anymore.
He had his fleshless bin girlfriend.
Zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, zero, one, one, she said.
Hello, said Jake back.
She only speaks in binary, I understand.
I get it.
Zero, zero, one, one, one, one, one, she screeched.
Yes, my lovely, said Jake.
I'll clean the mess up in a bit.
Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero, zero, zero, came another cry.
Oh, please, my chrome soulmate, begged Jake.
Let me have a rest.
Zero, zero, one, one.
Oh, forget it, snapped Jake.
Oh, I'm plugged in and had a wank instead.
Brilliant.
So that's your vision of the future.
Yeah.
What I like about your visions of the future predominantly are how you've made everything more difficult than it is now
i like i like the in the future because like if you look at say the 70s yeah before you were born
yeah i was born in the 70s to now yeah things have been made easier yeah you know for cds and mp3s
everything's been downsized and made very convenient yeah Microwaves, you know, cut things quicker.
Cars have got more sleek and more stylish.
And, you know, fuel consumptions are slightly better.
I mean, that's the way the world's gone.
I like that when you take that to its logical conclusion,
you start making things harder.
For example, coins work all right.
As money, you know.
I mean, probably easier than gas.
Right, do you think?
Yeah, and again, just speaking in binary.
Yeah, well, that is what the robot lady does.
She's making it harder, though, isn't it?
Right, I suppose so.
If you can invent a woman,
why is it you don't invent a woman that can speak?
I mean, I liked it as a story.
Yeah, it's a good story, isn't it?
Yeah, but I think I'd be going more sort of,
that's fiction, that.
Well, I think you'll be laughing
on the other side of your metal face.
I ain't got a metal face. Yeah, in the future, you'll have the metal face and you'll be laughing on the other side of your metal face i ain't got a mouth yeah
in the future you'll have the metal face and you'll be laughing on the other side why would i
am right and i am emperor of the world and you are a new janitor of the world why would i have
a metal face though because you fell in an acid oh yeah of course anyway well you find out some
of my predictions later on well we're going to do predictions later and i'm looking forward to
those because you've done
an Nostradamus style
prediction section
yeah I've got
I've got ten of them
you've got ten predictions
yeah
okay well maybe our listeners
who are listening to this
in the future
will be able to confirm
whether or not
hello zero one
no no need for that
just hello
you probably still understand
deliberate mistake time
hooray
from last week
now this is a controversial one, this one.
Right, what have you decided it is?
Because the problem with last week's episode is I think we forgot to do one.
Right, okay.
But we won't tell the listener.
Right, shh, keep quiet.
Yeah, what we'll do, right, I mean, we could say that was the mistake.
Yeah.
There was no mistake.
Yeah.
But I think better than that is, because there was a mistake.
Okay.
Which was sort of deliberate.
Right.
But no one will have got it. How come? I'll do it, we there was a mistake. Okay. Which was sort of deliberate. Right. But no one will have got it.
How come?
I'll do it.
We'll do it now.
Okay.
So last week's deliberate mistake, which unfortunately nobody got last week.
Right.
Yeah.
Which is unfortunate as well when you hear what the prize is.
But last week's deliberate mistake is during the third section last week, you may have
recalled there was a little shuffle.
That was me rubbing my feet together.
Right.
Which was a clue right because last week in the podcast the deliberate mistake was i had odd socks on right we can't do that that is that is a mistake um i had one how are they gonna
sit no one's ever gonna get that i had one which was a trainer sock with bench written on the bottom
of it and then the other one was an umbro not even i noticed that that, and I was sitting next to you. No, but that was the...
Well, then that's why you should have done it,
because you could have entered it,
and you would have won the prize,
which last week was a million pounds.
That's right.
It was a million pounds that you would have won.
Right.
Tax-free cash.
In a metal suitcase,
like what they have on Die Hard.
Right?
And we would have delivered it in person to your house
and done an autograph on
a poster for you.
You're going to have
to think of a better
deliberate mistake.
No that is a deliberate
mistake.
I don't think it even
was deliberate.
It was because you
didn't have any other
socks that were clean.
No that's not true at
all.
I went in and I went
that's a good idea.
I went with drawing
that's a good idea for
a deliberate mistake.
I'm recording today.
I'll put odd socks on
that will throw them.
I'll give them a little
clue where I'll rub
my feet together and
I did that so that
was the deliberate mistake.
It's not a good deliberate mistake for a podcast.
Well, that's what it is.
And unfortunately, there's no rollover.
I'm going to keep the million pounds now.
Right, what are you going to spend it on?
Matching socks?
No, toffee.
I'm going to get some toffee and car.
So I'll keep the money.
Thank you for that.
And thank you for all the people that entered it as well last week.
But none of you are right.
Just to reiterate,
last week's deliberate mistake was
Ray had odd socks on
and there'll be another deliberate mistake next week.
But I'll tell you what.
We're recording this in advance.
I'm going to tell someone
that that's this week's deliberate mistake
so someone can get it.
Otherwise it's impossible for someone to get it.
What?
I'm going to tell someone
that that's the deliberate mistake
so someone gets it
so it's a viable competition.
And I've got a million pounds
yeah
how much have you got
I hope all our time capsule listeners
have been enjoying the show so far
I bet they have
in the deep future now
yeah
listening to this
from back in the noughties
when we were the top podcast
around
in the world
a podcast was like
sort of a portable radio show you could
listen to and download every week. Yeah.
But I hope you enjoy listening to this now. And what we're going to do
now is Ed is going to
give some of his predictions about what happens
in the future. And then we'll see. Well, we
will never find out. Yeah. But for you,
for the people, future people
listening to this, then maybe you can have a bit of fun
seeing what we thought the future would be like. And maybe be
a little bit amazed. Like people are nowadays with Nostradamus at how...
Oh, Tomorrow's World.
Yeah, that too.
About how accurate these predictions are.
Yeah, and maybe if I get one right, just nod.
So, Ed, your predictions?
If you can nod, that is.
Press the switch for nod.
Do you think necks and heads have been obliterated in the future?
Yeah, well, we'll find out, won't we?
Alright then, go on.
Alright.
Okay, here are my predictions in the future. Yeah, well, we'll find out, won't we? All right, then, go on. All right, okay, here are my predictions for the future.
Okay.
Instead of mobile phones,
there will just be a massive network of paper cups on strings.
Yeah, again, taking you back to my earlier point
about how you've made things more difficult.
So you're...
I'm a retro futurist.
A retro futurist, yeah, okay.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, number two.
There will be no more talking,
but everyone will have a giant bumblebee that we transmit our thoughts through right why and they transmit
the thought to the bumblebee that they wouldn't transmit the thought to the other person why
because everyone will have a pet bumblebee on a lead with a with an aerial very quickly and
concisely explain the thought process that led to that did you see a bee in the house yeah yeah
go on when people get married...
Oh, right, they still get married, are they?
Yeah, their hearts will literally be made one.
So they will get, like, melded together with solder.
So if they try and split up, right,
they will both die.
And that will make people consider marriage more.
No, is this a throwback to your father leaving
when you were young?
Yeah, I think it is.
Yeah, when you were...
So you've...
I mean, this is now the rumblings of a psychopath. Yeah, I think it is. Because what you're were... So you've... I mean, this is now the ramblings of a psychopath.
Yeah, I think it is.
Because what you're doing
is something that happens
to you at a very young age
with your dad abandoning you
and leaving the family home.
Yeah.
And you're now going,
well, if I had my way,
I would make my dad
and my mum's art together
and then if they left,
they would both die.
And I think it's something
that will happen in the future.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Right?
Number four.
Planes will actually
flap their wings.
Why?
Because the thing is About the future
Is that there are
Some killer birds
Up there right
Right
And to fit in more
With them
To make it in disguise
The planes actually
Have to flap their wings
To look more like birds
So that is why
That happens in the future
Okay
Right
Number five
Jurassic Park
Number six
Jam is banned And replaced by A metal soup Okay. Right. Number five. Jurassic Park. Number six.
Jam is banned and replaced by a metal soup,
which will eventually turn people into Terminators.
What do you think of that one, Ray? Yeah, that's a brilliant one, that one.
Yeah, so watch out for the metal soup.
If we are around when jam gets banned,
don't have the metal soup.
I'll probably hoard some jam.
Yeah, definitely.
Get some jam on the black market.
What will happen if I'm caught with jam?
You get your leg taken off.
I'll have legs, but I'll have no head and neck.
Oh yeah, you'll have no head and neck. I'll just be legs
walking about, will I? Yeah, you will, yeah.
In silver sandals. With a ZX
spectrum on my waist. Yeah, definitely.
Done jam, done the bun.
Done Jurassic Park.
Right, and this is something I actually think this one
and I've thought it for ages. You think this for real?
In real life, right?
This is out of character.
We will all get transporter watches,
which will zing us to any place we want,
but the ones to go abroad cost an extra thousand pounds.
And that is genuinely something I've thought of ages ago.
It's a good invention, isn't it?
Well, it is if it's plausible,
but so is a pill that cures all illness.
It's not something you can really invent.
So you type in the watch
where you want to go, right?
Yeah, I think that's right.
It's like one of them watches
that you get
with a calculator on it.
Yeah, okay.
And then you press it
and then you go wherever you want
but only in England
because it will cost
an extra thousand pounds
before you do a broad one
which will take you
anywhere in the world.
Okay, brilliant.
Well, maybe you should patent that
as an idea.
Yeah, I should do, shouldn't I, really?
Number eight.
We will find out that clouds are a joke.
Whose joke is it?
I don't know yet, but that is true.
No, what is the joke, though?
Behind the clouds are drawings of knobs.
Right, well, you're tired when you're at this.
Yeah, I'm a bit tired.
Yeah, we're now getting towards the end, aren't we?
Right, number nine.
Right, this is an interesting one.
I think it's a good comment on what you were
saying earlier about the advance of technology.
iPods will become so small
that everybody loses them, and
no one wrote down how to make them.
So we have to go back to record players.
I think that is an interesting social comment
as well. Yeah, do you think that nobody's
written down how to use it?
Well, maybe they've written down how to use it and they're so pleased with it that they're like,
oh, I can put the instructions on the iPod.
Right.
And then they lose the iPod
and they've got no instructions on how to make it.
And then they're like, shit, we've got to go back record players.
So, I presume somebody's kept the instructions
on how to make a record player.
Yep, in a museum.
Right, but they've not kept the iPod instructions.
No, and people have to walk around with a big satchel
with a record player in it and big headphones from the 70s.
Just a little point there.
If that's the case, and this is in a time capsule, this podcast,
how are they going to listen to this podcast then?
On a record.
But they can't. It's not on record. It's on MP3, isn't it?
But they can burn it onto a record.
How can they burn it onto a record?
If they can still play MP3s,
then they must have the technology to play MP3s,
so they must be able to get iPods.
Picture that and row.
Right, yeah, go on.
Right, this is a sort of similar point,
but not in a way.
So another bollocks one.
All the horses...
Oh, for fuck's sake.
All the horses will die in a big house fire,
which also contains all the pictures of them as well.
So eventually, we will completely forget
what horses were like.
So when we try to make a cowboy film
the cowboys have to ride on the back of... I'm stopping this section.
The cowboys have to ride on the back of dogs.
I think you are now technically retarded.
They have to ride on the back of dogs.
Yep.
It's time for
Ray's Complaint Letter.
Every week I, Ray Peacock, write
a complaint letter to a company to try and get some free stuff. I write them sometimes. What? Every week, I, Ray Peacock, write a complaint letter to a company
to try and get
some free stuff.
I write them sometimes.
In a very popular section,
Hello Fans.
Now,
we all look forward
to this every week,
if only to see
how little Fraser
is bearing up
with his cancer.
Oh God.
Which we're not
going to mention this week.
We already have.
Because Fraser
is a very poorly little boy.
Yeah.
And incidentally, if
anybody has been moved
by Fraser's plight,
then we do need money
for his operation.
And for his treatment.
He's not real.
And for his clothes.
We should do a
benefit gig for him.
Right, so I'm just
going to say now, I
mean, a bit of a
serious point.
If you want to send
money, then do it. I mean, don't of a serious point. If you want to send money,
then do it.
I mean,
don't send a cheque to Fraser.
Just send,
it's got to be cash really.
So just send cash through the post.
£50 minimum really.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Per month.
Set up a direct debit if you want and we'll hopefully,
Fraser will pull through.
Yeah, fingers crossed.
Yeah,
because I've learnt this
by watching daytime telly.
Right.
If you make people feel all guilty about it.
They have to pay in the end. Yeah, make them feel about a little poorly Right. If you make people feel all guilty about it... They have to pay in the end.
Yeah, make them feel about a little poorly child.
Yeah.
Then they feel all guilty.
I find this in quite poor taste,
all this ill Fraser stuff,
and I hope you haven't mentioned it in your letter.
But he is a hooman.
I'll tell you...
Oh, by the way,
on the subject of adverts in the daytime as well,
can we put a ban on people voicing animals?
Right?
If it's a charity commercial, right, if there's a dog speaking on my telly,
I'm not sending money, I'm not fucking retarded, I'm not falling for that.
Ooh, my name is Benny, I am in a home.
Ooh, I was found in a ditch.
No you weren't, you're an actor, doing a voiceover, you fucking liar.
Ooh, I've hurt my paw.
My owner used to come home and not feed me and kick me in the ear.
Yeah, it is better than Polly, though.
She got things stuck up her bum.
Yeah, well, why can't Polly speak for herself?
Yeah, because none of them can speak because they're just fucking animals.
As long as there are people sleeping on the streets,
do not send money for a dog that's been found in a ditch.
Right, that is a general rule. And if you fall for a dog that's been found in a ditch right that is a general rule
and if you fall for
a fucking
a voiced animal
on the television
then more bloody
fail you
I don't think anyone
actually falls for it
I think people do
fall for that
people go
dog's talking
give that some money
the whole idea of it
is to provoke an emotion
isn't it
I like the advert
with the dancing bears
have you seen that
it's brilliant isn't it
yeah
I imagine it's a bear dancing.
You can't put a price on that.
No, exactly.
I sent shit loads of money to that.
I've set up direct debit for that one.
Yeah, yeah.
Because I can watch a bear dance all day long quite happily.
I mean, I've sent the money.
I'm waiting to see when the next show is,
when his next gig is,
and I'm going along to it.
Ice guy plus the advert.
Yeah.
And then I play Simon Smith and his dancing bear
over the top of it.
Brilliant.
Well, we'll do that after this.
Yeah, and I enjoy it as well.
I might get a bear and make it dance.
What do you do?
Just eat the floor up?
Yeah, I think so.
You eat the floor up and then dangle some meat quite high.
Right.
And you also get people going, oh, it's cruel.
Oh, it's...
Right.
The fact of the matter is, right, you can't make a bear dance if it doesn't want to.
Yeah, exactly.
No, I don't see anyone complaining about Strictly Come Dancing.
Yeah, they're not bothered about that.
No, they're not going, oh, it's cruel, it's cruel.
Oh, they're making Z-list celebrities dance.
Yeah, oh, they're making Brucey talk.
Yeah, no one complains about that.
Well, actually, they have complained about Brucey.
But they don't complain about the celebrities, do they?
No, exactly.
So why are they complaining about bears?
The fact of the matter is, that bear wouldn't do it.
I've been zoos, right?
I have been zoos, right?
Yeah.
Where you can't even get
them to come over.
Yeah.
And that's being all friendly
and going,
come on, come on over here.
Yeah, come on bear, come on bear.
Same with elephants.
Yeah.
Hey, come over here, come over here.
Fucking none of it.
I mean, none of it.
Yeah, yeah.
I once went to Chester Zoo, right?
Meerkats weren't even there.
I just said,
oh yeah, this is the meerkats.
Just a field.
Yeah.
Getting nothing in it.
They all come out and we're going, come on, come on.
Nothing.
Yeah, so how do people think that these people are forcing a bear to go?
Yeah, how's a bear going to dance?
Bears are really stubborn.
They're known for it.
Yeah.
Yeah, they are known for it.
If it didn't want to dance, it wouldn't dance.
They love a boogie.
But anyway, none of that's going to help Fraser.
Because my letter this week took on board what he said.
I mean, it sounds like a broken record,
but I know I've thought about it a lot.
I know you said don't mention the illness.
I can't not mention it at all.
Well, no, because he is ill.
Say in this letter, then, that he's cured.
But he's not.
Why not?
If I say he's cured now, then he's cured.
No, but the problem with it...
Oh, he's cured.
Oh, no, he's got it again.
Right, well, just don't say that last bit.
No, but the thing is, is that the letter won't work without...
Alright, do it, but this is the last one where he has the illness.
Why? No, we can't do that.
Look, people aren't enjoying it.
You said last week you used a stickler for continuity.
Yeah, well, basically, this is the last one with the illness.
How do you know people aren't enjoying it? People love a weepy.
No, they don't love a weepy.
Yeah, they do.
We've bullied this poor Fraser so much.
This could be on real life TV in the afternoon.
We've given it, listen, we've given this boy cancer.
He's tripped over...
We didn't give it him.
Correct.
We did, essentially.
No, we didn't.
He started smoking fags.
It's his own stupid fault.
If you ever smoke fags at such a young age,
before your body's finished developing in that...
But we wrote that in.
It's going to integrate the tobacco and stuff into its lungs,
because the lungs are still growing.
That's how you get cancer, that.
Right.
I reckon
you've had sex with him
but you were on the
other side
yeah that is true that
and anyway we said
that wasn't real
we apologise for that
oh right yeah sorry
right
sorry again
yeah sorry again
for that
for bringing that
memory back
right well here's
my letter this week
and I think you'll
find that this is
one that properly
tugs on the heartstrings
yet provides us
with a bit of a chuckle.
Right.
Right.
Don't be like that.
Okay.
Right.
Dear Capri Sun, oh good, you're up.
A lot of people sleep in, don't they?
But I think they just end up missing the best part of the day.
I have been up all morning doing housework and watching daytime telly, whilst my husband is at work at a garage or fireman.
See, I'm not being so obvious now.
Yeah, it's good.
Yeah, I know, you're being a bit more specific.
That's nice, yeah.
Right, let's get to the meat of it.
We have a son, Fraser, who is gravely ill
and needs to wheel around this thing with him,
what goes in his arm like you see on telly and in films.
Most of the time, it has got a bag of saline on it.
Right.
Whatever that is.
But for a treat the other day,
we decided to instead attach...
Ray, Ray, Ray, stop, stop, stop.
What?
I know what you're going to do.
It's not appropriate.
Why?
Because you're talking...
Right, I'm not even going to say it
because I think it's inappropriate.
But this is ideally suited to Capri Sun.
I know.
You've woken up in the middle of the night or something
and you thought, doesn't Capri Sun look like a drip bag?
Who's ill that I know?
Who's ill that you know?
Who can we get Capri Sun and feed it into his arm?
Who would enjoy it? A little lad.
That is sick.
Why is it sick? Are you waiting to let me finish my letter?
How is it sick?
Right, I've got a letter this week.
Dear the hospital,
thank you very much,
um, doctors,
for looking after Fraser.
He's all better now.
Thank you very much,
Mrs Fraser.
Oh, I've got another letter.
Dear Mrs Fraser,
oh, hello,
it's me, the hospital.
We've just realised
that we mixed up all the tests and things
and we sent you the wrong letter over.
Right, here's another one.
Yeah.
Dear obituary column... Yeah....in the paper... Yeah. Fraser is here's another one. Yeah. Dear obituary column.
Yeah.
In the paper.
Yeah.
Fraser is dead.
So is his mum.
No more letters.
Shut up, Ray.
Love, Mrs Fraser, who is dead.
Well, then that's an entire section ruined.
Right, well, then that is your fault for making it bad taste.
No, you've killed him off.
I killed him off one week and brought him back.
Right, okay.
Sorry.
I am sorry.
Why?
Here's another letter.
Don't kill him off.
Dear the son.
Seven or eight minutes would be enough for kill him off dear the son seven or eight minutes
we've got to fill a week
dear the son
yeah
I've just moved into an house
which was cheap
because mother and son
died there
can't believe it
only bloody ghosts
living in the attic
who can write letters
so don't worry
they are still around
there'll be more letters
next week
under a slightly
more complicated premise
what are you saying about the gig well i was saying we went we went to this
gig was that all it was just want to say it was a nice gig yeah okay but you um i've no i don't
often see you clumsy right okay or doing things accidentally oh i know what you're gonna talk
about you're gonna i'm gonna talk about the yo-yo yeah yeah it was absolutely hilarious seriously
not for me
I know
but I've also
never seen you
looking so coy
and worried
I did regress
properly
yeah
I'll explain
what happened
Rob Deering was on
yeah
very good
musical comic
yeah
and he does a thing
with a yo-yo
in his set
at the moment
yeah at the moment
he's using a yo-yo
because he's talking
about multitasking
and he's using a yo-yo he had his yo-yo in his set at the moment. Yeah, at the moment he's using a yo-yo because he's talking about multitasking.
And I'm glad he's talking about he's using a yo-yo.
He had his yo-yo.
He was packing up his car.
Obviously quite proud of his yo-yo.
He was just sort of playing with it outside.
He was saying how good a yo-yo it was.
Yeah.
And of course, you can never let an opportunity like that pass.
No.
You had to go, hey, I'm good at a yo-yo as well. Well, I told a lie, didn't I?
Because I said that I was an expert at yo-yo when I was younger.
Which isn't strictly true. No, no, I didn't think, didn't I? Because I said that I was an expert at yo-yo when I was younger. Which isn't strictly true.
No, no, I didn't think it was.
I mean, I could do it.
Yeah, I almost believed
that you might have been
an expert at yo-yo
until I saw you handle the yo-yo.
And Rob said,
right, okay,
you can have a go with that.
I'm going inside.
I was an expert on BMXs.
Right, okay,
well, I'd like to see you
on one of them.
And roller skates.
I'm a fucking amazing roller skater.
I can go backwards.
You see what I mean?
No opportunity is let go for you to show off, is it'm just saying i can do this right well make a list of
them and we'll talk about them later not great on rollerblades right okay i'm all right on rollerblades
so there you go that's not showing off is it saying i'm not good at something i'm not good
at rollerblades that's the only thing i can think of that i'm not good at rob gave you the oya and
said have a go with that but be very careful with it in almost a sort of
an overly done sitcom
set-up. That's because he knows me.
Flipped it down to the
floor, didn't you? You're doing alright with it. Yeah.
Then you thought you'd do Walk the Dog for a bit. Yeah.
But the thing is, it's not an even surface.
It wasn't! Yeah, but
if you know it's not an even surface,
don't then drag it along the floor for ages
going, the thing is, you can't do this because this metal yo-yo sort of goes,
poof, poof, poof, on the pavement.
It's not an even...
Yeah, stop it then!
He wasn't there to look after me!
Yeah.
He wasn't there to tell me not to do it.
It's his own stupid fault for giving it to me and then walking off.
Then you kept just doing normal yo-yo.
Yeah.
And then it stopped working.
It wouldn't come back up.
Well, then I tried to fix it.
It's tangled, it's tangled, it's tangled.
It was tangled. Getting really flustered. Yeah, but it was tangled. Yeah, I know then I tried to fix it. It's tangled, it's tangled, it's tangled. It was tangled.
Getting really flustered.
Yeah, but it was tangled.
Yeah, I know it was tangled, but it looked like you'd broken it.
You managed to fix it, wrapped it back up.
Anyone else at that point, anyone else would have gone,
phew, I fixed it.
I'll go and give this to Rob while it's still working.
But you went, phew, I fixed it.
Have another go.
Yeah, straight down.
Straight down, tangled it again.
Me and someone else are watching you just laughing. Yeah. Straight down. Straight down. Tangled it again. Me and someone else
were watching you
just laughing.
Yeah, laughing and clapping
as well.
Yeah, laughing and clapping
and doing all worship
at your feet.
Yeah.
You untangled it again.
Yeah.
At this point,
we thought,
please don't have another go.
It then fell apart
in your hands
and you dropped half of it
on the floor
and it just went
clunk like that.
I've never seen you
do a more childish face.
Well, that's because A, I'd broke someone's yo-yo and B, I was suddenly left on my own
because you and that other bloke just ran across the road. Yeah, and that was totally
automatic as well between me and him. We didn't say let's run away. Burst into laughter. We
ran across the pavement. I wanted to be as far away from the scene of the crime as possible.
I regressed as well. I didn't want a bollocking.
And you were just standing there in utter sight. Everyone was looking by this point. You were standing
outside, holding half a yo-
I've never seen anything more pathetic.
You, nearly in tears, holding
half a yo-yo, looking at the other half
on the floor. In fact, you put the other half
on the floor, pointed it at it, and pointed
it at someone else and went, that's yours
now. on the floor pointing at it and pointed to someone else and went that's yours now the peacock and gamble podcast was devised and performed by ray peacock and ed gamble
all music by the tiger lilies except the last one which is performed by frank sidebottom the peacock and
gamble podcast is a big and dark production hosted by chortle.co.uk if you spotted the
live mistake in this week's show tell us on our facebook page and you might win a prize see you
next week It's weird this podcast, isn't it, sometimes?
Yeah.
Because sometimes I am sensible and you are stupid,
and other times you are stupid and I am sensible.
Yeah.
Was that not the same thing?
I don't know.
I just said it in the wrong order.
Are you stupid this time?
Right.
Hang on.
Come on, Ray.
I'm the sensible one.
Yeah, well, either way, I think we alternate our roles.
You know, we've not really thought through the dynamic.
Sometimes we are both stupid at the same time.
They're my best ones.
But never sensible at the same time.
No, that would be boring to listen to.
Yeah, that would be like government.
Yeah, but the fact of the matter is, though,
if you can't tell the difference between us,
then don't worry about it.
Just have a listen and enjoy it.
Have a giggle, mate.
Yeah, don't worry about the characterisations,
because this is what we are like in real life.
I think we are vaguely schizophrenic.
Yeah.
And anyway, it doesn't matter,
because nobody's noticed.
Yeah.
If we just don't draw attention to it.
Yeah.
Turn it off now.
Don't worry about the dynamic,
because we are both stupid and both sensible,
and we would make somebody a lovely wife someday.
Ha ha ha ha!