The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 71

Episode Date: June 7, 2020

"Episode 71" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 72 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hey, it's the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hello, I am Ray Peacock. I'm Ed Gamble, hello there. And Ed's not even here, so that's weird, isn't it? That was just a little, an edited bit from another one, because Ed's not here, I'm here on my own. I'm sat in my house, on my own.

It's 20 past eight in the morning. It's i'm talking to myself i'm just sat at a computer but ed is off gallivanting probably do you know what he is probably kissing an animal in fact no ed can't be here because he has been arrested for having sex with a pig isn't that right ed yeah see that was ed admitting it then again i've edited that in but i can make him say all sorts of things hey ed do you think i am the best one in this podcast yeah oh that is very flattering and a lot of people have been saying that you're rubbish is that true that you're rubbish yeah oh come on stop being so hard on yourself i won't have you saying that what you're doing with your wallet you want to give me all your money yeah oh thank you very much and all the girls that want to kiss you after the shows you'd rather don't kiss me

yeah oh i'm gonna be shattered aren't i with an extra three girls um so welcome to the show it's basically going to be a compilation show of deleted scenes don't panic it won't be me all the way through just talking to no ed i'm sure a lot of you will know we get very busy towards the emergency broadcast dates at King's Place. Of which there is one this Thursday. Thursday the 26th of May. Some tickets still available. By some, I mean most. Please do come down to that show. That would be very, very helpful. 02075201490 is the ticket. That's 02075201490.

Or you can get tickets at kingsplace.co.uk. You'll probably be able to get them on the night. But please don't leave it to that, because we're already stressing about it.'ve only sold about 60 tickets so yeah give us a hand there and also thank you very much i know we're asking a lot of you at the moment but thank you very much for your support on the warm-up film or warm-up man as the bbc seems to have renamed it uh it's called warm-up as you'll see by the title on it if you watch it thank you very very much for watching it and uh for all those kind comments we were genuinely kind of overwhelmed by it, really. So thank you very much for doing that, for giving such a massive response to it. It's really appreciated.

If you've not seen it, it's on bbc.co.uk or it's linked through our Twitter and our Facebook and all that sort of business. And on the peacockandgamble.com website. So the show will be, it's all right, I think. I've listened to some of the clips. Some of them are all right, some of them are all right. There'll be another plug for the live show within one of the clips because it was a deleted scene from last week's show so that's how fresh these deleted scenes are also there's a very good chance there'll be no podcast next week so do make the most of this one so thanks for your support thanks

for all um your kind words this week and i hope you enjoy the deleted scenes oh hang on ed do you want to say do you want to say thank you for everything? Or not? Oh, I don't know if I've got him saying no. Ed, do you think that all the support is rubbish? Yeah. Oh, and you think that all our fans should just support me now? Yeah. Oh, that's a shame.

I'm sorry about that, everybody listening to it. I'm sat on my own in a house early in the morning talking to myself. I don't know how Tony Blackburn does it. I'm sat on my own in a house early in the morning talking to myself. I don't know how Tony Blackburn does it. Right. After all this

John Virgo chat Yeah. I think we're going to have to start documenting what celebrities you are enemies with. I do make enemies of celebrities.

The thing is I think Noel Edmonds would fall into that as well. Yeah, Noel Edmonds, right. We've got Edmonds, Virgo. Is it specifically beardy old school entertainers? Beardy moody fucks. Beardy moody fucks.

Yeah. That is weird. You always hate yourself, don't you? Yeah, exactly. Would I hate me or not? Yeah. Maybe that is what it is. Maybe I...

You would hate you. There... Oh, fuck. Too right I would. Yeah. I often hate me... When we listened to that Snack Radio thing before, I hated me

I liked you on it but I like you now no I'm not a fan oh no don't let me I'm always baffled when people do like me right

particularly baffled when a girl likes me yeah like that all the girls like you like that and it baffles me yeah

although they do to get your penis in their mouth they do have to put takeaway on it yeah that is true now I think we need to make this list of celebrities you are enemies with.

Right. Because I'm worried one day you're going to be found murdered and the police are going to come to me and they're going to say, did he have any enemies? And I'm going to go, I can't remember them.

There's so many, there's so many. Yeah. But if I can then produce a scroll with all your celebrity enemies on it, Yeah. that will A, look suspicious and B, be very useful to the Rossers.

But do you not think that the Rossers will straight away go, this cunt's killed him? Yeah, no they will, that's why I think it will be suspicious. I love the thing of

you going, having enemies, yeah, John Virgo, Noel Edmonds and then Maureen going, can you just stop me there? Can you please take this seriously?

No, genuinely, Noel Edmons hated him you might have killed him he might have come round to his house with a deal or no deal box and gone oh what have you picked and then opened it

and it's all poisonous gas got in your mouth exactly that's how now Lemons would kill you yeah Virgo would do a trick shot trick me shot to death all on me face wouldn't he

yeah he'd shoot a bullet from wherever he lives in his house. It'd ping off a pan. Ping off another pan. Get on the train. Come all the way to your house. Get off the train. Hit the moon.

Come back down. Go through the mouth and out the mouth of a dog. No, through the mouth of a dog and out the bum. Yeah. Hit me on the wrist. Yeah. But glance it and then that makes my wrist pick up some poison and drink it.

What a trick shot. And on the way as well, it hits the white ball and pots all the other balls. Oh, say goodnight, JV. I will say in his credit, he is a good trick shotter. Yeah. Speaking of no-earners, I've got a Deal or No Deal t-shirt, a crew shirt. Yeah. I've got, I don't want it.

Shall we give it away? No. Oh, no, sell it. Blessed by the Pope. Blessed by the Pope, Deal or No Deal crew shirt. Extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra large. Yeah.

Who offers? I'll take offers on it. All right. £10. Peacock and Gamble, all right, that's the first offer. Yeah. Peacockandgamble.com,

get on the forum, put your offers in for how much you will pay for the t-shirt highest offer highest bid wins it yeah and mine is £10 Ed's already bidding £10

yeah and I've got no money so that shows you how good it is yeah and it's got a week to go it's a week the bidding stage that's what we should do on our forum

yeah turn it into our own little eBay because I'm eBay I'm eBay E-Ray perfect Ed-Ray yeah no E-ray perfect ed-ray

yeah no e-ray no ed-ray you've got to put ed in it as well e but e is ed no in case it goes to court e-ray

e is the ed alright then e-ray then right it's e-ray and what you can do on there it's uh you can go in there and sell your stuff

yeah don't have to pay any commission we do it like swap shop yeah don't have to swap it you don't have to swap it swap shop and then edmunds it'll be pissed off

because we're doing Swap Shop and selling something off Deal or No Deal. Yeah. And then it will be definitely a Who's Killed You. I just like the idea of us having a marketplace, but I don't want no Edmunds to kill me.

Right, okay. That would be a stupid way to die. It would be. I wouldn't like that at all. So who else have we got as enemies then? That's it, isn't it? Pretty much. No, there must be other ones.

What, Sheridan Holden? Would she be an enemy though? Would she be? Yeah. I've never had a conversation? Would she be an enemy, though? Would she be? Yeah. I've never had a conversation with her. Do you hate her, though? Don't particularly like her. Right, maybe she's not an enemy.

I mean, there's people. I often get taken by surprise with people. Dave Bury, quite recently I worked with. Not a fan of the man. Lovely bloke. So I sometimes get taken by surprise by people. Now, I know you're not a fan of a lot of celebrities. Yeah.

So I have had an idea. Right. We are going to design our perfect celebrity. Okay. Right, I've got some ideas. I hate it when you pick your book up. Right. I always worry when you pick your book up.

Right, so our perfect celebrity is, you can chip in if you want. Alright, I might. Would have the brain of Stephen Hawking. Oh, have you already designed it? Yeah, but you can change it. So you've designed our perfect celebrity without consulting me? Yeah, right. Okay.

The brain of Stephen Hawking for logic puzzles, right? Which is important to us. The legs of Colin Jackson for jumping when in danger, right? Yeah. The humour of the man who invented the Iggy Pop puppet. Yeah. The niceness of Philip Schofield. Yeah.

The voice of the meerkat advert. The sass of Philip Schofield. Yeah. The voice of the meerkat advert. The sass of Monique. Right. And the back of Jeff Capes for lifting when in danger. Well, apart from the jumpy legs, you've just described no lab members. He's a sassy bugger. When we were on our sabbatical, I went to some concerts.

Sabbatical? Yeah. Is that what we're calling it? Yeah, when we were off work. Are we not maintaining that you were asleep? No. Nobody fell for that. I did.

Oh, you idiot. I went to a lot of concerts. I'm not good at a concert. No, you're not, are you? I think because, one, I'm short. You are, little boy. Two, I'm impatient. Yeah, you are, grumpy little boy.

Three, I don't like loud noises. Yeah, you're a little boy kitten. I'm like a pet. I am like a pet. I'm same on fireworks now. Yeah, I know. Every time you have fireworks, right? I've never had fireworks.

Every time you see fireworks, right? Yeah. You always run in the house and hide under the sofa. Normally with fireworks, I will shout at whoever's letting them off I don't like them but the concerts I've been to I went to see Randy Newman yeah

you like him don't you greatest concert I've ever been to in my life really Randy Newman on his own yeah hour and a half

on the piano playing stuff just on his own playing his songs yeah then you think brilliant concert and he went

right we're having an interval now went off for 20 minutes come, another hour and a half. Brilliant. That is value for money, isn't it? Absolutely incredible. I mean, they weren't cheap tickets. Yeah. At Royal Festival Hall and that.

But it was brilliant. Yeah. Absolutely immense. Cried loads in it. Did you? Yeah. Oh. Seat was too small.

Then I thought, right, this is the way forward for me. Royal Festival Hall. Sit down. Yeah. Went to see paul eaton in a tent right out sort of west west way yeah can't remember where it was in the middle of nowhere it's a pub right okay he did this uh pedals and pumps i think it was called where he cycled to what pumps oh yeah where he cycled to all the gigs in little sort of country pubs right and

did the gig at the back couldn't see fuck all mate absolutely I was there I was one of the first people there got myself a good spec just all filled up couldn't see fuck all mate sorry about that mate

just sulked all the way through it you should have stood at the front no why not a bopper you're not a bopper

no don't like dancing you don't need to dance can you be crushed at the front I wouldn't be crushed would I yeah

not any crush barriers was there not yeah walk past me get on the stage so I went to that one, would I? Yeah. I don't have any crushed barriers. Was there not? Yeah, walk past me, get on the stage. So I went to that one and didn't really enjoy it. Not because he wasn't good, because he was brilliant.

Yeah. Just I don't like the environment. Right. So when I went to the Royal Festival Hall, this is brilliant. Yeah.

Perfect for me. Like a theatre. All sat down, just watch it. There we go, no pressure. Yeah. Fine.

So I went to see there might be giants at the Royal Festival Hall. Halfway through, hey, everybody, stand up, run down the front. Right. Got everyone standing up. Oh. fine so I went to see they might be giants festival hall halfway through hey everybody stand up run down the front right

got everyone standing up stood up for the whole bloody thing you don't want that mate I went home and deleted they might be giants off my iPod really

I've genuinely fallen out with them and I loved them yeah I've fallen out with them oh that's a shame if you want your audience standing

don't book a standing venue don't book it in a seater venue and then sulk because everyone's sat down yeah that is a point, Matt. And the other thing I thought as well. What?

All them people sat at the front, right? Yeah. Who've got front row seats. And my mate was like, oh, this is brilliant. Sat right at the front with my son in a wheelchair. Right at the front, can see it all perfectly. And then they're giving it, hey, everybody, come and run down the front. Oh, brilliant.

What happened to the poor lad in the wheelchair? Now there's 40 people stood in front of me. I can't see a thing. Stood on top of my son. Yeah, killing my son in a wheelchair. So, yeah, I was very disappointed with them. Right. Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

So I'm not doing that. What concert? You go to rock and roll concerts, don't you? I don't at the moment, actually. I used to go to a lot, a lot, a lot of rock and roll concerts. Yeah. But I don't anymore. They're too warm and a lot of the people there smell like beer and sweat

yep and I don't find that very nice and a lot of the people there sometimes I like to have a mosh okay and you'll often see people is that

are they the ones with it's like a triangle and it's got a bubbly at the bottom it's like all that it's ice cream and then there's bubbly

at the bottom that's a screwball screwball not a mosh no not a mosh no I like to have a bit of a mosh what's a mball. Screwball. Not a mosh. No, not a mosh, no. I like to have a bit of a mosh. What's a mosh then? Just like running around. Oh, is that the, oh, is that the, it's strawberry ice on the outside and there's ice cream on the inside? No, I don't even know what that is. Is that a mosh? No. Strawberry miffy, that is. Why

are you talking about ice cream? Oh, I know what I'm watching. What? The rocket one. No, that's a rocket. It's a rocket. It's got orange at the bottom, then white, then red on the

top. Why did you ask me about concerts? You just want an ice cream, don't you? It's boiling

in here. Could you eat an ice cream? I could have a feast. I couldn't eat a feast. No, the problem

with feasters is there's no ice in them. Yeah. A feast isn't an ice cream. It's no ice in them. Yeah. A feast isn't an ice cream. It's a cold chocolate bar. So when were the makers of these things?

I love a Solero. See, Soleros, I think, are the ice cream for your generation. Do you think? Yeah, Soleros came in. They were always the most expensive one. Yeah, they were. They were worth it. They were a pound sometimes.

Yeah, sometimes anything up to a pound. Fab Lolli. Fab, they were. They were worth it though. They were a pound sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes anything up to a pound. Fab Lolli. Fab Lolli. That's a bit old school for me, mate. I am old school, mate. Calippo. Calippo again? They weren't about when I was a child. I love a Calippo. I like a jubbly. Which is when you just get a normal carton of orange juice and

the ice cream man just freezes it and charges you an extra 40p for it. That's a jubbly. Oh, I like a Cornetto. Do you know what I like? What? Just a normal ice cream with a flake in it.

Yeah, 99. Put a bit of raspberry on top. A bit of raspberry sauce, yeah. That'll do me. It'll last me all afternoon, that. You know how funny about with wrappers and stuff? That's the ice cream section

out of the way. Concerts and ice cream. I worked on a programme with Stuart Baggs the other day. The Baggs are later. Is that what they call him? Yeah, we can call him that if we want. He was on The Apprentice, the UK Apprentice. He was quite... He was a character. He was a bit of a character, wasn't he? Yeah. He was very self-assured and a bit stupid, really. A bit stupid.

Basically, he's a perfect apprentice candidate. Yeah. So think about the apprentice. He'd be a good candidate for that. Yeah. To annoy you. That's it. And he was a guest on the programme.

I've met him. You did meet him at the Chortle Awards. Yeah, I had my photo with him. Yeah. I don't think I met him that night. Did you not? No. But I'd be alright not met him. You did meet him at the Chortle Awards. Yeah, I had my photo with him. Yeah. I don't think I met him that night. Did you not? No. But I'd be all right not meeting him.

I have met him now, but I'd have been all right. Yeah. I'd have been fine not meeting him. Yeah. And do you know what? By the end of this story, he was fine. Yeah. Right?

He was fine. Yeah. I think he's very aware of how he's perceived and plays up to that. Yeah, he's just grabbing everything he can now. Yeah. So it becomes a persona. Yeah. If you like, of being a bit of a knob. But what he did during the recording he was a guest on the program but during the recording he was on his mobile really yeah oh it was like what

what on earth are you doing how was he holding his mobile how do you mean did he have it to his ear or was he doing it the proper apprentice way and had it on speakerphone no i think it was i don't think he does the apprentice. I think he was sacked off that. Yeah, okay, so he won't do the phone thing anymore. Yeah, so there was him. He was on it.

Also, Rafe was on it who was in a couple of series ago with The Apprentice. Sorry, I thought you said something else. No, Rafe. He was the Raji one. Oh, I thought you said... By that, I mean he looked like Raji.

He did genuinely look like Raji. That did sound dodgy then. We once told some girls in a pub that Raji was Rafe off The Apprentice and they believed us Raji. That did sound dodgy then. We once told some girls in a pub that Raji was Rafe off The Apprentice and they believed us. So yeah that sounded

dodgy then but he did look like Raji. And another bloke off The Apprentice who I don't know what he was called. What did he look like? He had an awkward

smile. Right. Like he was smiling but he wasn't sure. That's Lee. Lee. Was it Lee? It might have been.

I didn't know. I didn't catch his name. What colour hair did he have? Blondie brown. Blondie brown? Blondie browny black. Did he look a bit like Matt Lucas? Do you know what?

Do you know what? He didn't look unlike Matt Lucas. Was he Bristolian? I don't know. He didn't really talk. Was it Kevin? I've got no idea. Right, it might have been Kevin.

No, it wasn't. Oh, no, I know who that is. Yeah, it wasn't him. It wasn't him. Anyway, that's by the by. But I went through a weird a weird night with it because Stuart Bads the audience

like didn't really like him was it Saeed no you'll never get it well that's a challenge yeah you won't because if you say

the right name I won't know it might have been Saeed then it's a pointless conversation right but Stuart Bads

the audience didn't like him right in kind of a laughy jokey pantomime villain sort of way. Right. And I was the warm-up, and I was sort of, like, joining in with him a little bit.

Right. Right. But it got to a point where I was like, I'm going to have to now rein this in. Right. Because now they really don't like him. They're getting some torches lit. Yeah, and at one point Stuart Bansley went, oh, I didn't know that the audience were going to be imported from my big fat

gypsy wedding. Oh, Bags. Right, but I half heard that and I went, did you mean me? And he shat himself and went, no, oh God, no, not you, not you. And I was like, oh, you nearly went down big style then. But I had to then take the side

of Bags against the audience because Wombluck was going, mate, I'll just, I'll happily go over there and fucking smack him. And they could chuck me out, I don't care, I'll punch his fucking lights out. They're not going to chuck you out if you do that. But it was like I had to then take the piss out of that bloke. Yeah. It was a really weird night.

Yeah. And at the end of the night, Bags came up to me and went, what was going on? And I went, oh, they were just, they were kind of just showing off to each other and reacting to your on-screen persona. Yeah. And he went, oh, right, right.

He went, because I love all that. I just couldn't really hear it, but I love all that. And I went, I don't think you would have loved it. I think it might have made you cry by then. Yeah, a little bit of weep. Yeah. But that Ralph, I'll quite happily never speak to him again. Really?

Yeah. Well, that's kind of a shame because he's just texted me. Oh, what's he say? Saying that he really liked you. He liked your vibe. I don't think he said that. And he'd like to meet up for corned beef sandwiches. Can you tell him no?

All right. Just text back no. Don't even explain it. He's just texted back again saying fine. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds more like the rave I know. You're all good.ave I know you'd think

at one point I turned to them the way they were all acting and went look none of you won I don't know

what you're acting like that for we're like really cock sure of ourselves really yeah and really

sort of smug and I wasn't keen on them I'll be honest you're fired you should have said

I said you're sacked at one point you're sacked you're sacked at one point. You're sacked. Yeah, you're sacked. You've just missed a little treat then. While we weren't recording, we didn't pull my finger. Yeah. And we'll do a trump noise after it.

I wonder who the first person was who didn't pull my finger. I don't know, but I bet they are millionaires by now. Do you think they are millionaires? Yeah. It has been used a lot hasn't it? Yeah. I think it was probably an actor and I think it was someone who was a rock climber I imagine. Yeah. Yeah they were climbing a rock with their buddy and slipped. Oh my god.

Yeah. Like that. Yeah. That one about where they had to cut the rope or something. That was an iPhone game. No but there was that one in a mountain where they had to decide whether to cut the rope, but they didn't know how far they were going to fall. Yeah, that's it. And then eat a plane full of rugby players. Crossing the void.

That was it. I've never seen it, but that was what it was called. No, it was cool, neither. I reckon they were having a lovely time. I'm going to laugh in that. Yeah. They'd had some dinner. Yeah.

And then they carried on climbing. Yeah. And they'd slip. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And they literally, one of them was reaching to the other one. Yeah. Going, get me, get me, get me.

And he's going, I can me get me i can't reach you can't reach me it's like literally just had he had all of his finger yeah i don't think i'm just pull my finger and then he did it yeah at that point he did a trump and then they both just started laughing yeah and then but then one of them then he had to let go yeah and fell to his death yeah and then his friend who pulled the finger yeah probably then passed it off as his own idea yeah or did it as a tribute. Yeah. So it'd be nice to know who it was.

Hey, mate. Talking of pulling and film. Have you pulled? And films. Pulling and a film? Oh, right, mate. Is this going to be your porn review? No.

I know someone who works in a cinema, right? Okay. Do you? The other day, yeah. Can I get free money? Free money? Right then, popcorn. And a ticket.

That's some good haggling you did there. Start high and go down. I don't want to talk about popcorn. Why? Because I saw you're on Dave. What? I saw you're on Dave.co.uk talking to Greg Davis, your best friend. Oh, right.

Doing a little podcast about popcorn. What kind of podcast? It was an interview. That was a podcast. Anyone who watches that will know. Well, the fact an interview. That was a podcast. Anyone who watches that will know. Well, the fact that... Anyone who,

our fans, watches that will go, that's just a podcast. No, if they're watching it, that's the biggest clue that it's not a podcast. That's Ed doing a podcast with his famous mate.

I remember Greg Davis before he was famous. I remember him just doing all the clubs. I remember him when he wasn't even tall. I remember him I just doing all the clubs I remember him when he wasn't even tall I remember him as a little

he was a stupid little boy and you can tell him this when you're next to do a tour with him I see him sometimes I'll tell him myself if I see him

at a services or something right when he's handing you back to them like we did it what was that services we went to the one near London?

London Gateway. London Gateway. Yeah. And I had to drive there, and you drove there with Greg, and Greg handed you back over to me. Yeah, I felt like my dad had taken me swimming. It was horrible, wasn't it?

And, yeah, but I remember Greg when he was, like, about three or four foot. Well, maybe four or five foot. Yeah. Do you? Yeah. You sure that was him? Got on my nerves then like he does now. You sure that was him? Yeah, yeah. You sure that was him? Got on my nerves then like he does now. You sure that was him?

Yeah, definitely. You sure that wasn't Jimmy Cranky? No, it wasn't Jimmy Cranky. He used to hang about outside my house

in St Albans. Kicking footballs at my windows. And then one day it went through, didn't it? And he had to get the police there

and you gave a wrong address. I reckon that was Greg Davis. I can't remember his face properly address. I reckon that was Greg Davis. I can't remember his face properly. I'm sure that was Greg Davis. But go on. So you pulled off Greg Davis at a cinema?

No. My friend works in a cinema and quite recently, I'm not going to say where the cinema was or who the person is, someone in the cinema, someone who worked there, discovered a cup

with a certain quantity of some fluid. Oh, so I was actually right about the pulling off in the cinema. Pulling off in the cinema, yeah. With what fluid though? Dirty sex fluid. Dirty sex fluid.

Really? Yeah, semen. How did they know? Well, I don't know if they have a lab in the cinema. Did they taste it or smell it? I'm not saying...

Yeah, a little taste of it. Because you know what? I would pick it up and go, that looks like spunk, doesn't it? Yeah. I'd laugh about it because it's a bit of ice cream. But it was in a cup. Oh, if it was in a cup then it's definitely spunk, doesn't it? Yeah. I'd laugh about it before I should be in ice cream. But it was in a cup.

Oh, if it was in a cup, then it's definitely spunk. No, but why would it be ice cream in a cup? What do you mean? Why would there be ice cream in a cup? You're saying that as if

it's more usual for spunk to be in a cup than ice cream. Well. Either one's weird, isn't it? Ice cream being a cone or in a pot. What was the film? It was Kate Hudson

Romantic Comedy. Oh, okay. Well then. Now, she is fit, but is she finishing a Fanta quick because I need a receptacle fit? She was that day for me. Oh, okay. Well then. No, she is fit, but is she finishing a Fanta quick because I need a receptacle fit?

She was that day for me. Sorry, mate? I'll tell you what. Now I realise how it was. And if you'd have said either the Kate Hudson romantic comedy or Thor,

I knew there was a chance it was me. And Thor was only because I got excited. Just about Thor? Yeah, I just liked it. Not Natalie Portman. I thought she was

fucking awful in it. Really? Shocking. Yeah. Shocking. Spoiler alert for Thor. Don't tell liked it. Not Natalie Portman. I thought she was fucking awful in it. Really? Shocking. Yeah. Shocking. Spoiler alert for Thor. Don't tell me anything. Have you not seen it?

No. Oh, cover your ears then. Is it just that she's shit? No, there's one scene in it. Right. There's a scene in it where he's telling her something. Right, don't tell me

what he's telling her. I know, I won't tell you what it is, but he's telling her something. It's very, very... Basically, he's telling her what her life work means. Right, okay.

Right? And she's just looking at him like she's watching the chippendales basically they've settled that character she's a credible character yeah very intelligent yeah dedicated to her work yeah simply wouldn't have happened very odd decision to make as an actor to go you know what i'm gonna go all gooey eyed over the fit bloke yeah even though he's now telling me the point of my life essentially so yeah i thought she was terrible. Right. But not enough to make a process like that.

So what happens then? What happens with the spunk? I don't know. I guess they send it off to a lab. Send it off to, like, CSI, who do tests. Like, they put it on some slides. Make sure it is that. And then they make sure that it is some spunk.

Yeah. And then they put it into their system. Yeah. And they cross-reference it with cinema ticket sales. Oh, do you mean by put it into their system, they swallow it? No, no, no, they just plug it into a computer and then cross-reference that with ticket sales from around the country, cinemas and other reportage of spunk in big cola cups

and then find out who bought a ticket on the spunky days. Right. And then, ping, a photo comes up, Ray Peacock. It's amazing, isn't it? I tell you what, that's amazing. All that stuff that they can do nowadays. I know if it was up to me, I'd probably just look at the CCTV

and see who was wanking in the cinema. Oh, yeah. But I mean, either way. Either way, yeah. Problem with getting a tattoo is I just don't know where to go. You don't know where to go? No, that's the thing about it. I want a tattoo. I just don't know where to go. You don't know where to go? No, that's the thing about it.

I want a tattoo. I know what I want. I've got a few that I want. I know. I've seen you've been drawing little designs in your book. Yeah, one is a red V. A red V, yeah. With some settings I want to see through the middle of it.

Yeah. That's because that's who I support in rugby. Yeah. And I think it'd look nice and that, but I don't know where I'd go for it. I don't want to just go to a tattoo parlour. Well, you can find reputable places online, I'm sure. Yeah, somebody said to me, though, you should never go one that you can just walk in and get a tattoo at.

What do you mean? Well, all the good ones have waiting lists. Oh, yeah, all the good ones you have to climb up a ladder and fight a dragon. Apparently so, yeah. Yeah, the only place to get a tattoo is at very inconvenient places. They're not inconvenient, just that they're so reputable that you'd have to get an appointment to go there. Yeah.

You can't just wander in off the street. Yeah. And go, can I get a tattoo? And they go, yeah, take your pick out of these nine blokes. Anything will do it for you. Yeah. But that doesn't work with hairdressing. Jim over here is the only blind tattooist in London.

I don't want any of that. I don't want that going, look, here's Paulie. He does them with his teeth. Yeah, if you go in and ask for a V and they manage to spell it wrong. Yeah, an X. I get an X. Yeah. So, if you go in and ask for a V and they manage to spell it wrong. Yeah, an X. I get an X. Yeah. So, yeah, so I'm going to get that, I think.

Whereabouts are you going to get it? On my arm, mate. I'm going to have a tattoo one day. You've got a tattoo today. Well, you've drawn a heart with your name through the middle of it. Yeah, that was when we were writing today. Yeah.

Oh, by the way, speaking of writing, let's pull the King's Place show. Oh, yeah, King's Place. King's Place, 26th of May. 26th of May, yeah. Thursday, 26th of May. That's next week, isn't it? Yeah.

Which also means there's a good chance's next week innit yeah which also means there's a good chance that next week there'll be a compilation show compilation podcast because we've got a lot of work to do of unheard material 0207 520 1490

yeah for tickets or kingsplace.co.uk yeah on the internet it's not sold particularly well at the moment no

so it's not going to be a great show yeah it's not going to be very good at all like not much support for that but every time you buy a ticket, it'll get incrementally better. Yeah, so at the moment, 50 or 60 sold. Yeah.

For them people, bit of a shit show, really. Bit of a shit show, so don't ruin it for those people, damn it. Stop ruining it for everyone else.

Stop making us less arsed about it. And bring an army. This should be the time for the army. You'd think with the army, this should now be sold out. Yeah.

It's sold less than before the army was invented. Don't think you can all stay in your barracks being pleased with yourselves wanking yourself off into a sock. Yeah, dirty sock wankers.

Yeah, hands off socks get down to show. With your cocks. Yeah, or we'll put it in the soap and beat you with it. Yeah, but anyway and the tattoo. Yeah.

So I might have I'm going to lose a lot of weight before I get tattooed. I've heard this as well that's a good call to do that but then if you're as sensible as I am to putting weight back on again, I think you might be as well to losing it and putting it back on again.

Doesn't that then stretch it out? Yeah. Does it or not? I don't know. I'm not sure. No, I'm not going to risk it yet. Right. I want Blues Brothers.

You want Blues Brothers. I want a V, Red V. I've always wanted Demon. I want Demon. Demon written on the inside of my vein. Right. On the inside of my, what's that called? Ankle?

What's your arm ankle called? Wrist. Wrist. I want demon. On your arm ankle. On the inside of my arm ankle. Yeah. Like in classy writing and that.

In classy writing. Yeah, I think that would look quite nice. You want demon in classy writing, yeah? Yeah. Now, I'm a bit worried about this because do you think you're going to be able to get... I might have a pair of glasses put on at all for a joke. Yeah, I think that would look quite nice. You've got demon in classy writing, yeah? Yeah. Now, I'm a bit worried about this because do you think you're going to be able to get... I might have a

pair of glasses put on and all for a joke. Yeah, I know. See, the thing is you'll get giddy when you go in there, won't you?

I'll end up having loads. Yeah, you'll come out with a new hairstyle tattooed on your face. What else do I like, though? Muppets. I don't think I'd like

Muppets. I don't think I'd want anything Muppets on it, really. I think you'd like Animal's Drum Kit. No, I think it's a little bit tacky.

I think I'll just stay with Blues Brothers. With demon in classy English. Yeah, and the Blues Brothers and all that. Yeah, and think it's a little bit tacky. I think I'll just stay with Blues Brothers. With Demon and Classy England. Yeah, and the Blues Brothers and all that. Yeah, and Robocop and Garfield. So I'm a little bit worried about your tattoo because bearing in mind that you can't look at me

doing a little injection without nearly passing out. Oh, I'm awful at needles. Yeah, so tattooing, that is a needle, you know. How do you mean? Well, it's just a little needle that they... That's pen, mate. No, no, no, that's drawing. No, I think you're finding it's not drawing at all.

It's like a felt pen, but it's what's called a permanent marker. No, it's not. Which means that it's permanent. Right? You see them in the shops and that. Yeah. Oh, you think that's a tattoo pen? Permanent marker, which means it will be there forever. What, the pen won't sell?

Also known as a tattoo. Right, no, that's not what it is. If I just, I'm just doing it on his arm, ladies and gentlemen, just to, just, Levin has said ladies and gentlemen before. Nice. Listeners. Yeah. Just to demonstrate that it's a needle.

Right. With sort of ink, different coloured inks, and it goes like that. Ah. Like little woody woodpecker, that's the best way to describe it to you, and it goes in your skin. What for? And dyes the skin. What for?

So you can, that's permanent. It will never, never, never, ever, ever, never, never, never, never? So you can, that's permanent. It will never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never,

never come off. Yeah, that's fine. I understand that bit a bit. But that's how, they need to get this ink under the skin. What's it going inside for though?

Yeah. No, I just want it to show up on the outside. Yeah, but it will, but the way they do that is the needle.

They're not with bones colouring in. What are you doing? They don't colour in the bones. They just go under the skin, just nick the under the, the, the, the,

the nutters. Right. They're nutters that lot. Well, you're going to pass out then, aren't you? I probably will faint in it. Well, then you wake up, you've got a tattoo done. Yeah, that's the under the... They're bloody nutters. Right. They're nutters, that lot. Well, you're going to pass out then, aren't you? Probably will faint in it. But then you wake up,

you've got a tattoo done. Yeah, that's the best thing, actually. Yeah. Make yourself faint. Be overtired when you go there. Tattoo guy once said to me,

most important things, drink loads of water the night before. Yeah. Make sure you get loads of sleep the night before. Yeah. And it won't bother you

nearly as much. It's when you're not much sleep, if you had alcohol. Alcohol, he said, is bad. Right. For things that are similar to that.

Yeah. He gave me a few pointers for it right well that's going to be good for you isn't it I'm going to do all them things

and then faint well no what's going to happen to you is you do what you normally do you get two hours sleep and eat a jar of

marshmallow fluff what? it's marshmallow fluff you've got loads of it in the fridge I've got one in

the fridge that I bought in Harvey Nichols or something I was trying to think of something else that would be funny well marshmallow fluff is funny because there is one in the fridge but I think it was Harvey Nichols or something, once I was wandering around. I was trying to think of something else that would be funny.

Right, well, marshmallow fluff is funny, because there is one in the fridge. Yeah. But I think I had one finger of that, and then never had it ever again. Just lives in there now. Why do you measure it in fingers? Because I put one finger in an egg. You measure all your food in fingers and handfuls. Yeah.

I had one handful of ham today, and that's it. And three fingers of bread. You'd pass out, and then wake up and have the tattoo, like Donald McIntyre did once. Like who? Remember Donald McInty up and have the tattoo like Donald McIntyre did once. Like who? Remember Donald McIntyre? No, I know Michael McIntyre.

No, Donald McIntyre. Is he the one that Undercover Investigator and he'd be a dancer? Undercover Man. Undercover. And then was a dancer in them shows.

Yes. He was a dancer on ice or something like that. Yeah, that's right. And then he was kidnapped by the ALF, I think. Which is an animal thing. Animal Liberation Front,

I think. And they knifed their initials into his back. Yeah, I think they did is an animal thing. Animal Liberation Front, I think. And they knifed their initials into his back. Yeah, I think they did, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and then he done with the dancing. Oh, didn't it to be that? I remember liking his programmes.

Yeah, well, he went undercover as a football hooligan, I think, in sort of organised football hooliganery, which is definitely a word. Yeah. And I distinctly remember him saying, I want to get proper undercover and I want to make sure they know that I am one of them. Right.

So I'm going to have a Chelsea tattoo. Right. So you've got the Chelsea badge actually tattooed on him. Right. Why? Just so, because obviously you don't know anything about football hooligans, mate, but when you go in the pub to have a chat with them and you go in and go, hello, I'm a football hooligan.

Yeah. They will go, bring him over here, Terry. Bring him over here. Bring him over here, mate. And they'll go, and then they'll rub your tattoo like that and try and polish it off. They'll spit at it. They'll try and buff it out.

And go, no, that's not a real tattoo. So that's why I need a real one. But I just think you remember him going in with his tattoo and the bloke was doing it and then you just heard a thunk and the camera showed him. He was just passed out on the desk and the bloke just carried on doing the tattoo.

Wow, just went. Yeah, yeah. So it's an odd thing to do to go undercover, though, isn't it? Yeah. It would probably be just as good yeah just go in there and say

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo yeah tell you what I like Chelsea that much I might have a Chelsea tattoo

one day yeah rather than going I've had this Chelsea tattoo and I'm all going ooh yeah

we might get them yeah Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Seidmutter. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk.

See you next week.