The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 73

Episode Date: June 21, 2020

"Episode 73" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 74 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Oh, hello there. Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. My name's Ed Gamble. Ray. My name is Ray Peacock. What are you doing, mate? Peacock and Gamble podcast! Someone's tired, aren't they?

And they're cuddling a bit of bubble wrap. Yeah. Like, no, stop it! Why? Stop it! Well, it's just annoying people if they think there's something wrong with their headphones. No, but it's a lovely sleep for me, isn't it?

It is a lovely sleep for you, but you could do it after, maybe. Oh! Oh, excuse me for this, Trump. That's horrible, Trump. I know, it was bubble wrap. You look like... It looks like a sort of child's blanket,

but it's like a child who was born in storage. All right, and what's this? It's very dangerous to put your head in that, is what it is. Oh, er, cheering shroud. The cheering shroud? Yeah. You look like a murdered woman in a film. Oh.

I look like a mother's day. Mother's day. Send that one. Oh, spoiler alert. Yeah, I've seen that one as well. Yeah, didn't like it. Did you not? No, I really didn't.

I called you when I saw it, didn't I? Yeah. Horrible, isn't it? Yeah, mean-spirited. You were right. That's what you said to me. It's mean-spirited and it is as a film. Yeah.

I didn't like it. It was mean, wasn't it? Yeah, it was trying to be mean to its viewer. I thought it could have been good because I thought the character of the mother could have been quite interesting and then they didn't do anything with her. Oh, played by a competent actress, then yes. Anyway, what are we doing on this show? I don't know.

What are we doing here? Talk all the funny, make all the joke, tell all the story, ladies and gentlemen, do laughing, come back next week, do the same. No end section. No end section for this week. No, we'll let you in on secrets. We often section. No end section for this week. No. We'll let you in on secrets.

We often like build to a crescendo you've probably noticed. Well we'll have a big sort of section basically a section that'll start like a bit weird

a bit of a row in it pretend row. Ed'll do loads of laughing in the section. Yeah ha ha ha this is brilliant. We'll say something naughty then dun dun dun dun.

But this week we've got no end section. No, unfortunately not. That's what's happening here now. What I like is that me doing lots of laughing gets them all laughing, doesn't it? Yeah, gets them all good. It doesn't work when I do stand up. No.

When you just stand on the stage just laughing. Just laughing, going, oh, isn't this a brilliant time we're all having? It doesn't work. They just stare at you. Just stare at me and go and get a drink. It's a shame because you've got a nice joke in there. Thank you. One or two.

And you've got a lovely smile as well when you are happy. Oh, thank you very much, sir. I don't know why somebody wouldn't enjoy just watching you have a nice time and a laugh and a giggle. Surely the most fun evening is watching someone else have a nice time. Yeah, that's a good point, actually. Why can't we just go on stage and have a bit of a laugh as comedians? Well, we do in our shows together. Yeah, we definitely do.

Definitely. Mostly broadcast. Some tickets still available, all of them. This Thursday at King's Place. Oh, yeah. Right, I'm sorry about that, listeners. Ray got all angry at the end of the intro there of the King's Place shows. Not angry, just deflated.

Yeah. Well, you're not. So we haven't sold as many tickets for this one, but thank you very much to everyone who has bought a ticket for this one, and everyone who's bought a ticket in the past. But we will need more of you to come, otherwise we will

give up. Do you know when we've slipped up? Do you know when we've slipped up? We didn't know this, it's exam week. And a lot of our fans are children. Yeah. And what's happened is they're now

duty bound to do exams. To do exams. But not a night. I mean, wouldn't it be a lovely night off from all that revision?

You should have done it by now anyway. You're not going to learn anything the night before. Exactly. And also, also, think how you're going

to feel, right? Come results time, August, September, whenever they come out, you get your results, you fail before. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And also, also, think how you're going to feel, right? Come results time, August, September, whenever they come out, you get your results, you fail anyway. Yeah. And you think,

oh, I could have gone to that fucking show. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I tell you what, mate. What? We, in the next show, Thursday 23rd of June, at King's Place in London, we will give away

some of the answers to people's exams. Oh, oh, yes. Hey, you should, I tell you what, you should come down to Emergency Broadcast on Thursday night, 23rd of June. Some tickets still available, 0207 520 1490.

Or kingsplace.co.uk. Because I tell you what, we are going to be giving away certificates, which are sort of legal, and they are, you'll get your Peacock and Gamble CSE. Yeah. You get a PG CSE. Yeah. Right?

That's a good thing to get, isn't it? Yeah, that means you can be a teacher. Yeah, or a PGA level, which has got nothing to do with golf. You can get a PGA in, well, they probably are listening, drama or drawing. Yeah, or design technology. Yeah, all the ones that our listeners probably do. Yeah, or design technology. Yeah, all the ones that our listeners probably do. Painting and decorating. Yeah.

Not hurting other children. Alright, no, forget all that then. You'll get a gold star for coming in three days in a row. Yeah, you'll just get a pat on the head. So come down if you want. Please come, mate. Please come.

Pat on the head. Come down if you want. Please come, mate. Please come. Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, welcome back because we've been out, haven't we? Yeah, well, no, but they don't know that.

Welcome back. Part two. Well, no. Of today's podcast. It's just the same podcast. We've just been down to Starbucks. Yeah, we went down to Starbucks. We went down to South Moon Services. Yeah.

Went to Waitrose and Starbucks. At the Waitrose, young lady at the till said to me, think I've seen you in here before? Not too bad at Waitrose. Bit worse at KFC. Arguably more upsetting. Hey, I had a McDonald's this morning

in the middle of the night. Did you? Yeah, I just went down and had a quick burger because I felt like I wanted meat. And the girl who was serving me... Well, if you want meat late at night, there's places you quick burger because I felt like I wanted meat. Yeah. And the girl who was serving... Well, if you want meat late at night, there's places you can go. I feel like I wanted some meat down there.

Back to South Mimms. Yeah. Restart. But the girl, when I paid her, she went, thanks a million. Oh. I thought, it's that nice. Oh.

Did you give her too much money? Maybe they... I gave her 40 quid for a Big Mac. Did you give her a million? I don't know what that is. Yeah, yeah, a million pounds I gave her. I wish I had a million pounds. Tell her. I wish I had a million pounds. Tell you what, if I had a million pounds, right,

I wouldn't be doing this. You would. I wouldn't. You would. A million pounds isn't enough to retire these days. If you had a million pounds, all that would happen is you'd really step... If I had a million pounds...

Dollars, dollars it is. Go on. What would you do with it? Make a trios. I think we all know that song, don't we? By the Barenaked Ladies. If not all the words. make a trio I think we all know that song don't we by the bare naked ladies if not all the words you'd really step up

your spending on memorabilia yeah and then I think you'd run out of it well I'm nearly run out of Muppets I'm nearly done

are you yeah you nearly done all the Muppets nearly done all the Palisades Muppets collection I've got some money to get but I'm not

far off all of it no not bad is it right so and how do you think what do you think what do you think is going to happen when you're done well i'm hoping that they'll all like there'll be like a bit of lightning yeah and they'll all like meld together and then i will have a real life fuzzy bear just in my house mate that would be brilliant just walk around actually no i hate

that why because you wouldn't want to see me i see you very much as fuzzy bear no but you if you have a real fuzzy bear then you wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. Think about it, right? You're all the things that Fuzzy Bear is, right? You're my sidekick, and all cuddly and that. A little bit tubby and cuddly, but in a good way. Nice, nice. You wear a little hat, put a pie hat sometimes.

No, I don't. Sometimes wear a hat. Already second thing wrong. I've seen you wearing a hat. I've definitely seen you wearing a hat in summertime. You're a comedian, but you get echoed a lot. Not very good. No, no, no.

That's not true. Right. So two out of three wrong so far. You wear a neckerchief. No, three out of four wrong. And you say, hiya, hiya, hiya. No, I don't. So all those things are wrong.

Some of those things are right. Right. Some of those things are right. So that's why I think of you as Fozzie. Well, at least when you are friends with the real Fozzie Bear you can go out and stuff because I don't think I can go out with you

socially anymore for like a meal. Harsh. Why? So I can go out socially with you I can go out socially with you no problem at all like we're walking

to South Mim services and a lady stood in front of a window because she thought it was a door and she just stayed there and it didn't open automatically and then she realised that the door was at the side

and you just essentially laughed in her face. No, I didn't. I laughed at her back because it was one of the funniest things I've seen all day. I think she knew what the laughter was about.

No, she didn't. She just made an absolute dildo of herself. So, obviously, that's what the laughing was about. Yeah. And I was just laughing at what you said.

No. What do you mean? I was laughing because you were laughing, I mean. No, you were laughing at the thing as well. I wasn't laughing at you laughing. But anyway, I was just laughing at what you said. No. What do you mean? I was laughing because you were laughing, I mean. No, you were laughing at the thing as well. I wasn't laughing at you laughing.

But anyway, I can't go out for dinners with you anymore because sometimes we have a nice dinner. We rarely go out for dinner. We don't, because you don't really like

going out for a dinner, do you? It's not a problem, I'm just busy. Yeah. I mean, you have to do it six times a week. I don't do it six times a week. Because you're posh.

But you eat most of your meals standing up in your kitchen by your fridge. That's true, you know. Yeah. And that's, do you know what, that's starting up in your kitchen by your fridge. That's true, you know. And that's, do you know what, that's starting to worry me. Because it's like, I'm ravenous. Yeah.

It's like, I literally, I can't prepare a meal and then sit down and have it. No. I've got to eat it as I'm preparing it. Yeah. And it's gone. But anyway, sorry. You eat it in segments. Yeah. But what I've noticed is that eating...

Learn when you're full. Eating a dinner with you is sort of like living under the shadow of a harvest god. Right? I don't even know what that means. Because you order, so say I order some...

Where we at? Where we at? A big bowl of salad. Oh yeah. No, that's okay. So we were at Frankie and Benny's the last time we had a meal together. Were we?

Yeah, and that is the restaurant. I thought I'll order some ribs. Like, not human ones, like animal ones. Yeah. With sauce on. And what I then needed to go through in my head is, I'll order something with lots of bits to it. So some ribs.

So that when it arrives, and Ray looks at it and goes, what have you got? Yeah. Like that. Then I can just give him one straight away, just as a little sort of sacrifice. I'll scurry back into my little cave. give him one straight away, just as a little sort of sacrifice. I'll screw you back into my little cave. Yeah, so straight away, give him a bit, and then hopefully that'll stave him off for the rest of the meal.

Yeah. But everyone needs to do that. I think what we should start doing is say if me and you go out for a meal with five other people. Right. I don't think I know five other people. What we do is we all order and get you a plate. Okay. And then just give you one bit.

And give you one bit. Absolutely perfect dinner. I think that's how it'll work. I'm order and get you a plate. Okay. And then just give you one bit. Give you one bit. Absolutely perfect dinner. I think that's how it'll work. I'm happy with that as a dinner. Yeah, there you go. I love starters.

There's a restaurant in Edinburgh called International Starters. I think I spoke about it before. Is there? Yeah, where they literally all they do is starters but they do starters

from all different places in the world. Oh mate, we're going now? No. I can't. No. No, alright. Sadly not now but yeah

bloody love a bloody love a start and that will feel like a the other night I had a proper craving for I thought

I wonder who I know who's getting married because I wanted a buffet that's genuinely true I had a buffet mate I tell you what

when we do our big we might do a sort of show in December right at the end. We're going to do some regular shows. We are doing one in December. We're going to do a big show in December. Yeah. At King's Place, that is again.

At King's Place. I think we should have a buffet. Because you know how King's Place lay on buffets for corporate clients? Yes. I think we should have a buffet. How much will that cost? Outside the venue. I don't know, but we'll look into it.

Right, King's Place, if you're listening, which I know you are, we have worked really hard for you this year. And why not, why not at Christmas? Why not also, as well as our big show that we're doing,

which is a mostly broadcast and a podcast recording on the same night. Yeah. It's called The Peacock and Gamble Overkill. Yeah. Why not double that up

as the King's Place Christmas party? And then you can have a buffet there. Or, we whack a couple of quid on each ticket. Yeah. And that'll cover a buffet.

I am genuinely up for doing that. Right. Right. My only worry of it... Yeah. ...is that we'll be backstage and they'll eat it all. Right, no, because the buffet... Do you remember that gig in Cardiff?

That one... Yeah, the try and eat your own Chinese. Yeah, Hawaii. Eat your own Chinese. Eat your own Chinese, you had, right? We only had a buffet there, didn't we?

I never had it before we got there. This is what we do though, right? The buffet is for the interval. So we say,

oh, that's the end of this half. It's the end of us doing emergency broadcast. Time for the interval.

And then we lock the doors and we go round the outside, right? We get all our plates and then we buzz them out

and they can come out. Yeah, okay, possibly then. I'm a fool. Because I buzz them out and they can come out. Yeah. Okay, possibly then. I'm a fool. I think part of it, I'm going to admit this now, mate, going out for a meal with you, I think part of it is you are like a vulture waiting for a little scrap. Well, hang on. A vulture wouldn't wait

for it, would it? A vulture would pounce. At least I wait. I am like a little bear cub. That's what I am like. I'm like a little bear cub just waiting for you the mother to pop your teeth in my mouth and have a good suck on your teeth

well I mean that's why we're not allowed to prank your baddies anymore right time for our new running section

even though there's only about five of these left and competition competition yeah haven't we done a competition? No, it's our running section and competition.

Right. Because a lot of people are saying probably that they miss the thing about the food. Yeah, I think a few people do say that. Yeah, they probably say that on the internet. We've all seen them, haven't we? On the internet, talking about the podcast, being the army. We've all seen them, haven't we? Yeah.

About a month ago. Yeah. Certainly nothing recently. No, but we didn't mention the army, really. Well, there's nothing to mention, is there? No, because they're not really doing it anymore. Yeah, what are we meant to say? Yeah.

Oh, Jack Rebel's written something else. So what are we meant to say about it? Can we just... All right alright pop yourself against that wall yeah I'll get against the wall if you're not

going to support us then go against the wall do you know what I hope we go Edinburgh right

I hope we win like the Perrier Award and that I hope we get snapped up by the BBC for a

big ten part series I hope we are on the radio as. I hope that we are on the radio as well. I hope that we get big parts in films. Yeah. Me and you, right? Yeah. I hope that they want to do a West End run of emergency broadcast.

Right, okay. Do you know what I hope? What? I hope we get loads of new fans in Edinburgh. Yeah. That's what I hope. I hope we get loads and loads of new fans in Edinburgh and then all the people listening to this will be going, ooh, I liked it first. And then me and you can go, what? Never heard of you.

I don't know who you are. Yeah. So that's what I hope happens. I will carry on doing it just for you. Thank you very much. Alright, and you're the only thing keeping me doing this podcast. Right, good. Alright, well this is a competition mainly for Ed. But if you want to try and Right, good. All right, well, this is a competition mainly for Ed. But if you want to try and join in, then you can.

Now, this is called Ray's... Ray reads out the ingredients of a food. It's the same thing. No, it's not the same thing, right? Food. No, food or drink. Right, Ray reads out the ingredients of a food. And you've got to Ray, read out the ingredients of a food.

And you've got to guess which one of the ingredients is the rogue ingredient. So there's a made-up ingredient in there. Yes, I am going to very subtly place an ingredient in the middle of all this that doesn't belong there. Right. And if you can isolate that ingredient in your head and get it, then you will win a prize. Right, okay. All right? Yeah. You will know that we don't send the prizes.

Right, here we go. Today's food that Ray says the ingredients of, and then you've got to guess which is the rogue ingredient or drink, is Ravita Mini's Salt and Vinegar Flavour. Right, okay. Here they are. I've got them here now in Flavour. Right, okay. Here they are. I've got them here now in my hand. Right, here are the ingredients. But don't forget, there is a rogue one in there.

Right. Ingredients. Whole grain rye flour. Salt and vinegar flavour. Rye flour. Dried glucose syrup, petrol, vegetable oil,

salt, soya. So, wind it back if you have to. Have a listen to those again. Yeah. And in the middle of that, there was a rogue ingredient.

In the middle, so you're giving away where it was. Well, it was somewhere. It could have been at the beginning. It could have been at the end. But in the middle of that there was a rogue ingredient in the middle so you're giving away where it was well it was somewhere it could have been at the beginning it could have been at the end but there you go there is the first one of our running section don't worry not many podcasts left now our running section of ray does the ingredients of the food and there's a rogue one in the middle of it, and you've got to guess it or drink. Right. I'm getting more and more impatient by the day and more and more annoyed with everything anybody does. Yeah. I was in a restaurant the other day, of course I was, and got my dinner, right, plonked it in front of me. We were sitting on a big table, and just two of us, right, and then two more people were sat at the table as well right which is fine it's quite a big table yeah but then our food came i feel like you didn't work with you no i say yeah they just came and sat down uh our food uh arrived and

one of the men two men came right one of the men just started staring at my dinner yeah just proper looking at it now it wasn't it wasn't in a covetous way i don't think he was after it he wasn't angry with my dinner he didn't want to fight with my dinner he was just staring at my dinner yeah right and i was just trying to eat it and it is off-putting if someone is just looking at your dinner like there is gonna fly off or something yeah right so i just started staring back at him whenever he stared at my dinner i just gave him a really dirty look and then for ages and ages until he was noticing me looking at him and then trying to avert his gaze subtly. Until the point where he looked away, all I had was some

shreds of bacon and some guacamole, right? I made an arrow out of the guacamole pointing towards him and the word tit in bacon. Did he see it? Yeah, he looked. Next time he looked at my dinner, he got insulted by my dinner. Nice one. I mean, I would imagine what had happened there is he'd been looking at you for ages

before the dinner arrived, going, well, I don't know why. I don't know why he wouldn't eat any food. And then your food arrived, he's like, good God almighty. And he probably wants that to sustain, going, I can't believe this. Yeah, but he had a massive dinner as well. He's arrived. Yeah, but was he a big chubbo like you? No, but he was big. Yeah, no, well, he's got a... So he will be in a minute. What will be. Yeah, but was he a big chubbo like you? No, but he was big.

Yeah, no, but he's got a... So he will be in a minute. What will be in a minute? He will be a chubbo in a minute. Why? Because he had a big dinner. I was at Donington's services the other day. Why are you saying this like I'm the proper posh gentleman?

I'm actually concentrating now on doing a nice voice. Because you're very tired. Because I'm so tired and I'm being so slurry. Okay then. Right. So I was at Dynes and Services the other day. Rock and roll! Yes, thank you. No, not the castle. The services. The services. Yeah! Rock and roll! Yes, rock and roll.

And I saw a thing. Go to the toilet! Go to the toilet and maybe go to the M&S. And I saw a thing go to the toilet go to the toilet and maybe go to the M&S and I saw a thing on the side of a a vehicle and it it got me to thinking because I think there are people

who set up their own businesses yeah but part of the thing they set up when they go oh oh I'm going to set up a business yeah and then they think

because I saw this thing once right and I'm going to put that that's going to be my slogan right okay because what I saw on the side of this vehicle was it said, often imitated, never bettered.

Right. And I thought, okay, they've seen that somewhere else. Yeah. And they've used it. I tell you what, when I start up my business, I'm having often imitated, never bettered. Which they are imitating off someone else. Yeah, I'm having that on the side of mine.

Because that's brilliant, that, isn't it? I saw that once. That is brilliant. Yeah. And the problem with it was side of mine. Because that's brilliant, that, isn't it? I saw that once, that is brilliant. Yeah. And the problem with it was, this often imitated, never bettered, was it was on the side of a taxi. And I thought, are they the first taxi? Are they the

first of a taxi? There's been a lot of spin-offs from that taxi. But there has got to be a first taxi. There does, mate. But I don't think they were cars for a start. Right. I think they were probably horse and trap. But maybe they were the first one with a car. Yeah.

Maybe they were the first ones to get a car and went, oh, yeah, look at you all now. You're all using cars now. Imitating, but none of your cars are better than mine were. Yeah, exactly. Mine gets from place to place when I say it will, and there's the money. Well, also, the thing about what it was, is it was like a kind of a people carrier sort of thing. I don't know what make a car it was. It will and there's the money. Well, also the thing about it was, is it was like

kind of a people carrier sort of thing. I don't know what make a car it was. It'd be one of the ones. It was like silver. Yeah, that's good. Silver's nice. No, but not shiny silver. Like a dull silver. Right. Had a couple of little scratches on it. Yeah. And then I thought even more then, well, even if they were the first one, they had been bettered.

Yeah. Because I have some better taxis than that. Yeah, definitely. Limos. Yep, limos. Big, long limos that can carry just as many people, possibly more. Yep.

Even more comfortable seats. No scratches on them. Yeah. I once saw an airline that was showing off through the name of itself. Brilliant Airlines. Well, no, it was worse than that, because that would have been showing off about being brilliant. It was called Precision Airlines.

Nice. So it was sort of just saying, well, look, other airlines are very vague with the way they do things. We are Precision Airlines. We will land right on the runway. Literally in the country we tell you. Yeah, so, oh, you go to Spain, take you to Spain. We're not going to end up in Holland by accident. Yeah, although you could get one saying,

it could be saying, other airlines will just go, where do you want to go? Menorca. Right, well, I'm taking you to Spain. Let's just say Spain generally. Generally, all right. And there is a little island off it

that will say Spain generally. Notice how we're not, we don't mention how precise we are in the name of our airline. If you want to go B for it, then you want to go Precision Airlines. Yeah. You don't want to go us,

which are vague airlines. Yeah, we are fuzzy airlines. Yeah, we are more or less airlines. Yeah. So, look, we will get, let's just say we'll get you somewhere where you can then quite easily get there yourself. Right, and if you want, look, I know you have to climb over a little wall Let's just say we'll get you somewhere where you can then quite easily get there yourself. Right.

And if you want, look, I know you have to climb over a little wall to get into our plane, don't you? Look, if you want to make it less difficult, you go easy jet. Easy jet where you can walk on it and go through the door. Yeah, that's easy. Yeah, that's easy, that. Easy precision jet. You should have easy precision jet. I'll tell you what, there'll be steps

this aeroplane right and they'll go right into the plane. You won't need to hop the last bit. Alright, so that's easy precision jet. That's who you want

to fly for that airlines. If you want to get to Menorca without doing an obstacle course. Yeah, so what we're saying is that all

these other airlines are rubbish. Yeah. But I bet you, I tell you who are good British Airways, I bet. I bet they are, yeah. I bet British Airways are good I tell you who are good. British Airways, I bet. I bet they are, yeah. I bet British Airways are good.

I've not been on a British Airways flight for a long time. No, they are good though, mate. I have been on one in a way. Have you? Yeah, I've been on one in my voice. Yeah, your voice has been on it, hasn't it?

And my voice, mate. Yeah, voices are just being on it. Yeah. We'll tell you about it. We've never told you before, but it's just that nobody seems to want to report it. Well, we achieve something, nothing happens.

Yeah. Why will no one report our achievements? Well, they will do. We're not on yet, though. August, I thought it was. Oh, is it August? Yeah, I think it might be, yeah. Oh, I'll take it all back. Right, competition time. You've just done that? No, new competition.

No. That I've come up with. I've just done the best competition going. Well, the answer is Rye Flour, so... Oh, why would you even do that? Oh dear, the competition's gone south for your one, so better go up north and get my competition. Before you do that, can I just mention that I've put all the live dates for the tour on the website. Yep, they're all up

there. It's on peacockandgumble.com. They're not all up there because it's not been finished programming yet. Well, the ones that are confirmed are all up there. The existing ones are on there and it takes in every part of the UK. You've got literally no excuse. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Oh, apart from Ireland. If you live in Ireland, you've got no excuse. Yeah, but Ireland

is not part of the UK. Northern Ireland is. Alright then, whatever bit of Ireland is UK, we're not doing that so we're not doing either we're not we're not going across any sea yeah that basically we're not leaving land yeah to go and do a gig yeah apart from if it is raining and the car aquaplanes or if we get excited before a gig because it is sold out and we jump in the air yeah apart from then, we are not leaving land. That's all we're doing. That's all we're doing. In fact, oftentimes when we're driving,

I'll stick a foot out the door. Yeah. And just drag it along the motorway. Yeah, exactly. Right. So we're not doing the Belfast Opera House. Even if that exists. I don't know.

Does it or not? No. Right. Is the competition to win two tickets to a tour date of your choice? No, it's not. What? That's not. Oh.

This isn't an official competition. Go on. So this is a competition. It's called What Hat Am I Wearing? Right. You can do the theme tune for that if you want. No, because I don't agree with that as a competition. What hat am I wearing?

What hat am I wearing on my head? No, we've just done race as a food ingredient. So basically, this competition, I play a character. Right. The people, you in this case, I'm doing this competition for you mainly. Okay. You have to guess what hat this person is wearing. We've established we're only doing the podcast for each other nowadays.

Yeah, as I'm talking to you. So, what hat is that character wearing? Right. So, here we go. Oh, hello. Oh, I rather must say I'm going to enjoy a lovely dinner this evening. Baseball cap. No. I don't, I give must say I'm going to enjoy a lovely dinner this evening. Baseball cap.

No. No, I don't. I give up. No, you thought it was a top hat, didn't you? Because it was all posh. But no, it's not. He is wearing a hard hat. He is a builder. So that shows up some of your prejudice.

But the thing you preempted, though, I didn't fall for because I said baseball cap anyway. Okay, howdy. Nice to meet y'all. What's going on there? What do you think he is wearing? Baseball cap. No. You thought he was wearing a cowboy hat, didn't you? Or a baseball cap. Because he was an

American man. No. He is wearing a hard hat. He is a builder. So that shows up some of your racism. Right. Alright, mate. How you doing? Nice to see you, governor. Hard hat. No. He is wearing a top hat because he is a rich man because he has won money

on the GGs right right keep going alright I basically I want you to run out of these right well I have

right I'll make some up I'll make some up alright oh very nice to meet you what is that well what hat do you think he's wearing

a baseball cap no what's he wearing lampshade one. Right. I think you've basically just killed your own competition. No, he was wearing a hard hat. No.

He is a builder. Yeah. So, is his name. God almighty. How were you at chatting up the birds? Pretty good, mate. Or the ladies and that. Yeah, you pretend to be one birds? Pretty good, mate. Or the ladies and that. Yeah, you pretend to be one.

All right. Oh, hello. All right, there. How are you doing, pretty little thing? That's nice, because they like that, don't they? Yeah. They're like, basically, they like any compliment about their appearance. Yeah.

Shall we go on and carry on? Oh, I like your ears. Thank you very much. I bet, but I can barely notice them. Why? Because they're not big. I just liked them and I think they'd be nice uh i'd like i'd like them on your head to be a bit brash as well okay all right darling get in me ford nice yeah um so basically you're shit at chatting with

the ladies no because no that was all good and then obviously i was sort of ramping it up for comic effect okay yeah do it for real then. I can't. Then do it like I'm a real lady in a pub. I can't. You've got a beard. No, you've just met me. Come on, do it for real. I know we're doing a podcast, but let Ed do your chatting to a girl for real.

Right, right, right. Right, hello. Right, is that it? Hello? Oh, hello. Do you have a delayed hearing with a girl? You've got to. You've got to leave a gap.

You've got to do anything you can to set yourself apart from other men. It shows that you're listening. Yeah. Doesn't it? Yeah, it shows that you're taking it all in. Of course, right. Yeah.

So, hello. Hello. How are you? Ed. No, not who are you. Oh, fine. Right, you're scaring me. I'm going to leave this pub.

Please don't. What do you mean, please don't? Please don't leave. Why are you begging? Don't go out there. Don't go out there. Don't go out there. There's been an accident and I wouldn't want you to see what had happened. What have you done? Not me.

Who? Handy Andy. Handy Andy? Yeah. What I love about this. A panic. Yeah, I love it on so many levels. One, I love it because this is what you would do with a real girl. And two, I love it because for many levels. One, I love it because this is what you would do with a real girl. And two, I love it because for the purposes of the podcast,

where you're thinking, right, you've got to do comedy, so improv. Do the first thing that comes into your head. I don't know why the first thing that came into your head was handy-handy. I don't want to know why that was. I don't know. Why handy-handy? He just popped in there. I thought he'd had a nice bit of his drill.

Okay. Just outside the pub. Yeah. Maybe he was putting the sign up. Yeah, he put in the pub sign up. Yeah, that's what he was doing. That is why. Please stay in the pub. All right, come back to the hotel. Okay. Just outside a pub. Yeah. Maybe he was putting the sign up. Yeah, he put in the pub sign up. Yeah, that's what he was doing. That is why. Please stay in the pub.

All right, come back to the hotel. Amanda. Yeah. Amanda Holden, I know. No, definitely not. Why not? Would do right. Let's do chatting up Amanda Holden.

All right, hello. Oh, fuck off. Yeah, same. Exactly the same. Not a fan. No. In Shrek the Musical, does she have to stand on anything high? He's hoping.

He's hoping there's a bit in it where, because she's a princess, isn't she? Yeah. Is there a bit where she's in like a tower or something? That she might fall off? Yeah. Interestingly, she starts off just normal. Yeah. And then turns into something nice at the end.

Yeah. That's when they have to do the main make-up, is for the end. Yeah. Do you think, do you know what? Also, I'll tell you something else this is how much I dislike Amanda Holden if today, as in the day of release the Monday that it came out

if that did happen last night, Sunday so tonight, we're recording this on Sunday I wouldn't withdraw this podcast no, because we can prove we recorded it today no, it's not that, but some people say out of decency, you should no, I wouldn't I'd lord myself as some sort of mystical wizard today. No, it's not that, but some people say out of decency you should. No, no, no. No, I wouldn't. No. I wouldn't.

I'd lord myself as some sort of mystical wizard. You've got the look of a mystical wizard. Cheers, thank you. Slash biker. Oh. So I think you'd be a perfect thing for like a genre crossover film. Which probably wouldn't happen, would it not? What, Wizards vs Bikers? Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah,

it would. Cowboys vs Aliens is coming out. Cowboys and aliens i'm gonna cut wizards versus bikers out of this and write it i think we should write it as a yeah as a new comic book but the reason i asked you about chatting up girls anyway yeah fuck amanda holden no but the reason i asked you about channel girls is because i think i'm all right at chatting with girls i think i can be quite charming i think I have a tendency to take it towards the sexual. The thing is, you wouldn't, if someone said, how do you chat up girls?

It's not a thing, is it? You just, like, chat and be nice. Oh, yeah, yeah. You don't go, right, now I'm going to look at my nose. Yeah, or now I'm going to target something emotional in the past. Oh, right, no, you do that. And try and take advantage of that. Yeah, so, right, I've learnt that now, so you'd be the woman again.

Right, hello. Hello. Where's your dad tonight? Oh, my dad died whilst abusing me as a child. Oh, that's horrible. I'm very, I will look after you. No, I don't want to be touched. What?

I don't want to be touched. I won't touch you. Right, I don't want a man near me. What aftershave did he wear? Polo by Ralph Lauren. Right. Oh God, I feel sick. Well, quickly come in my toilet and be sick.

Yeah. See, that's good, isn't it? That's quite good, yeah. I like that you get girls back to your room by telling them they can use your toilet to be sick in. After you've deliberately mimicked their abusive father. Yeah. Yeah, so that's one way of getting a girl to your room.

Yeah. And, by the way, these are all methods that can be found in the book The Game. But the reason I was asking was I saw a man chatting up a lady on a train. Nice one. Now, it was clearly somebody that he worked with. They were business people. They had suits on and stuff. Yeah.

He was being very loud anyway. Yeah. He was talking on the phone at one point and he was going, what happened? Yeah, but did you answer all the questions? No, no, it doesn't matter. You'd be surprised. You'd be surprised at how well you would have done if you answered all the questions. No, we're on our way to the quiz now.

And I literally said out loud, of course you are. And I went, I hope you don't think your answers are going to stay secret at that level. Not that they'd be right anyway. But he was chatting up this girl next to him, right, and it was an

amazing conversation that he had. The bit that stayed with me was he went, I often have three books on the go at the same time. Two non-fiction and a fiction. I like hardbacks, but I can't be carrying those around. That's why e-books are a godsend to me. And I just stared at him.

Yeah, he's amazing. Couldn't believe it. E-books are a godsend. E-books are a godsend. Because they are three books on the go at the same time. You know what I'd say to him? What? Just take one out with you at a time.

Yeah. No one has three books on the go, and they all stack them on top of each other and read a word off each page. Yeah, no one has three books on the go on the same

train journey. Yeah, exactly. Right, okay, here we go, right. Hitler's Bunker,

Ron Weasley. I'm not going to get an e-book anyway. Why not? Because I just like a normal book. I like the smell of a book. Same,

no same. I have difficulty reading books on my iPad really. I persevere sometimes if I'm like a normal book. I like the smell of a book. Same, no same. I have difficulty reading books on my iPad really. Persevere sometimes if I'm at a bus stop. I've never been on a bus in years. You've not been

on a bus in years, have you? No, not for long, maybe ten years maybe. They're good now. As long as they have drivers on them, buses will always

be a problem to me. They've got a cinema on the back of the bus now. Shut your mouth. They have three films and ones that are only out in America. Right, can you open

the window a little bit? Yeah. Right, so if I take on a figure with me of Superman I can hang it out the window and pretend out in America. Right, can you open the window a little bit? Yeah. Right, so if I take on a figure with me of Superman, I can hang it out the window and pretend he's flying. Is this what you did when you lost on a bus? I don't mind doing that. If I get a chance of doing that, I will do that. Defo.

I love superheroes, mate. Yes. I do, I've got older comics, older ones. We went to X-Men the other night, didn't we? X-Men First Class was the other night, it was a few weeks ago. All right, the other weeks. All right, we'll say that then. Right, we went to X-Men the other week, didn't we? Well-Men First Class was the other night. It was a few weeks ago. All right, the other weeks. All right, we'll say that then. Right, we went X-Men the other weeks, didn't we?

Well, that's it. Now everyone is getting factually correct information. Here is this thing that I've got ready. Who's your favourite X-Man? Mine is Nadia off Big Brother. Oh, that's very good. That's very, very good, yeah. Thank you very much.

Because that's... X-Man. Yeah, X-Man. Yeah. I've got one as well. Yeah, okay. All right. Who's your favourite X-Man, right? Yeah. I've got one as well. Yeah, okay. All right. Who's your favourite X-Man?

Cyclops. The one with the eyes. I get the joke. Nice one. Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies, except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Seidmorton. The Peacock and Gamble podcast

is a Ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk. See you next week.