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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Oh, hello, and welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast, episode 75.
75, it's a lot, isn't it?
It is a lot, mate. If we were married, me, Ed Gamble, and you, Ray Peacock.
Hello.
Hello. Then, 75 years.
Let's not rule out.
That we ever get married.
Let's not rule that out.
Yeah, I can see us doing it. It's a desperate publicity stunt for Edinburgh one year.
Do you reckon?
Yeah.
Should we do it this year?
Do you think we need it this year? I think we've got enough publicity for this year,
haven't we?
What publicity have we got this year?
We'll probably do an interview or something in a minute.
You think we'll do an interview?
Yeah.
I can't wait to do an interview. We'll practice that in a bit.
Yeah, we'll probably do an interview in three weeks.
Three weeks?
Yeah.
Shut your mouth.
Yeah, we will.
No, they don't want to
interview people like us.
Surely they want to interview
Ardalo Anlan and Mark Lamar.
No, you've not been to the
Fringe for a few years,
have you?
No, why?
I don't know.
Your references are a little
bit behind the times.
No, that's alright.
No, Mark Lamar hasn't done
stand-up for about 12 years.
I heard that Mark Lamar
is the hot tip for Edinburgh this year.
No, he's not.
He's been and gone.
He doesn't really do stand-up anymore.
I heard he was nailed on for the Perrier Award.
Yeah, it's not the Perrier Award anymore.
What?
It's called the Edinburgh Comedy Award.
Oh, this is a mess.
Foster's Edinburgh Comedy Award.
Why are we even going there?
Why are we even going there?
So the only reason you were going to Edinburgh
was to win specifically a Perrier.
No, not me, was it?
And meet Mark Lamar. No, applaud Mark specifically a Perrier and meet Mark Lamar
no applaud
Mark Lamar
when people's favourite
Mark Lamar
is rightfully
crowned king of Edinburgh
yeah
for his show
at the
Gilded Balloon
on Cowgate
with his Perrier award
from the Gilded Balloon
studio
yeah
that's who I imagine
he would be
I think you're going to
be very shocked
when you get up
to Edinburgh mate
do you think
it's all changed
what has happened
you get off to
train now right right you get on a conveyor belt that
takes you right to your venue wow yeah and a lot of the shows a lot of the audience is just gas
yeah just gas and robot all right with one robot audience you think there's this thing called
audience atron right right and you can pay for that and it gets shipped in okay oh let's get
that then let's get that and what's
also changed as well all that futuristic stuff what's also changed is about double the amount
of shows and it's literally pointless going oh right okay i'm pretty sure i said words to that
effect in january yeah you did yeah yeah too late then let's um let's concentrate on this that is
still within our control episode Episode 75, eh?
Yeah.
So you were saying if we were married?
If we were married, there's a special present, isn't there, for every year when you're married?
Yeah, for example, silver is for 25 years.
Yeah.
So what are we, triple silver?
No, coffins.
That's what you get people who've been married 75 years.
Oh, I see, right.
Matching coffins, right, with holes in different sides so they can hold the hand of the other person
that's like
like a senior glory hole
yeah
not so much
for the knobs
at that age
but you might
just want to
just comfort
yeah
touch
yeah
touch Dorothy's arm
yeah
that'd be nice I think
wouldn't it
Bill would touch
Dorothy's arm
wouldn't he
Bill dies
they go
okay Bill
just pop your hand
out of here
just as he dies
put him in the coffin
right
yeah
then Dorothy dies yeah she might choose to just get in the out here, just as he dies, put him in the coffin, right? Then Dorothy dies.
She might choose to just get in the coffin and just wait.
I feel a bit like that sometimes.
She sticks her arm through, she can hold Bill's hand,
and then they're buried holding hands.
And that is then love for eternity.
What a lovely way to start the show.
Or there's a different one you can do for saucy old people,
which is a 69 coffin.
Welcome to the show.
I think I'm going to become a slightly less considerate man.
Are you?
Because you know what?
I'm actually, I thought about this, I can be quite abrasive sometimes.
Yeah.
But only when pushed.
Yeah.
For example, at our gig the other night in Enfield.
Yeah.
We did the...
It wasn't a gig, was it?
It wasn't a gig.
No. It wasn't a gig by any stretch
of the imagination. And only 30%
of that was our fault. Yeah, well, I definitely
contributed to it, but only after
the damage had been done. Yeah. We got there and
they said, oh yeah, we decided that if we sold
less than 30 tickets, we were going to move it to the
bar. Yeah, so they'd moved it to the bar.
Right, and then I said, how many tickets did you sell? They went, 40.
So I don't really understand how that works.
Yeah. But they moved it to the bar, well, we couldn't do our show. No went 40. So I don't really understand how that works.
But the middle of the bar where we couldn't do our show.
No, because there was just
sunlight pouring in.
Yeah, there's a bit
where we need blackouts
in our show.
And it's a theatre show, really.
Yeah.
So just ideally
just not in the daytime.
Just don't do it.
Just don't do it in there.
Not in a greenhouse, mate.
Very much not a greenhouse
sort of show.
Yeah.
Yeah, so we decided
to just do like,
we originally decided
to do half an hour standard pitch. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen after that. Which every half an hour in waiting, so we decided to just do like, we originally decided to do half an hour
standard pitch.
Yeah, that wasn't
going to happen after that.
Which every half an hour
in waiting,
because we didn't have
to do any sound check
or anything like that
or a tech run
because we weren't
doing our show.
As we were there
for two hours,
it just came down
and down and down
to the point where I said,
I'll just go on
and just do a little bit
and bring you on in.
Which is ultimately
what happened.
Yeah, and then we went
and got the hell out of there.
I just went on there, charmed my way through a little bit.
Very charming, mate.
Very charming.
I think it's the audience.
I'll go on and try and make anyone laugh.
I was trying at first.
Yeah, but it threw me.
The make-up of the audience was quite weird for a stand-up.
Very, very weird.
So there was an ex-policeman, big ex-policeman,
with some friends and family.
Who I didn't find objectionable.
I liked them as a group.
Yeah, they were fine.
They were fine.
They were laughing.
Over the other side, there was some quite young,
like a young couple.
And the front row...
Who wouldn't look at the stage.
No, they were eating their dinner, weren't they?
Yeah, but the boy wasn't, and he wouldn't look.
No, they wouldn't look at the stage.
And then in the front row was primarily made up of
Afro-Caribbean grandmas over the age of 65.
Yeah, ladies, yeah.
Which just threw me, because that's...
Quite odd.
Yeah, and they did not enjoy it.
Oh, no, it wasn't...
Please don't think this is because they were Afro-Caribbean,
or even their age, for that matter.
No, I'm just painting you a picture.
We just couldn't work out, when they were interacting,
which they did a little bit, why they were there.
Why they were there.
I mean, one of the ladies, of course course wasn't there by the time I got on
so I didn't have a chance
to work out whether
she would like me
yeah she stopped off
didn't she
yeah
because someone was
being a potty mouth sailor
well
I may have mentioned
the word fuck earlier on
you didn't say it
you just mentioned it
I know
I first of all said it
you know the word fuck
no
I said it
and then I caught her
and I'm not saying that
I'm just mentioning it
well then I saw her and she was giving me proper nasty eyes.
Yeah, she was.
About it.
Yeah, in a bucket.
Yeah, and then I said, what, is it the word fuck?
And then she nodded.
Yeah.
Nodded very serenely.
Yeah.
And then accused me of having limited vocabulary.
Which is such a horrifically boring thing to say.
Well, it is also because it implies that you're not allowed to choose other words.
Yeah, exactly, yeah.
It implies that I've not chosen those words.
Yeah, you've got a limited vocabulary.
She's actually trying to limit your vocabulary
by banning certain words.
Yeah, nice one, mate.
I wish I had thought on that on the night.
No, what you did do is when she, well,
she left.
We'll get to that bit in a second.
But after she'd gone,
you ended up saying joie de vivre
and then went, oh, get her back!
Yeah, I remember that. I remember that bit in a second. But after she'd gone, you ended up saying joie de vivre and then went, oh, get her back! Yeah, I remember that.
I remember that. It was lovely.
But it was. It was badly set up. Very, very badly set up.
Yeah, so you said it's the word fuck.
She nodded. So, of course, as we would all have done,
you said the word fuck over and over again.
Then pointed at her back in the corner and went,
all right, it's big cunt!
Hello, big cunt!
Big cunt was when she went.
Yeah, big cunt was when she went yeah and she gave you
a proper sassy
hand gesture
when she was on
her way out
I didn't see that
yeah dismissive
sassy hand gesture
wow
she looked pissed off
I would have enjoyed
that
but the thing is
when I went on
and because none
of her friends moved
none of her friends
even watched her leave
they just stayed
yeah
and when I went on
I spoke to one of
the other ladies
and I went
you didn't even
bat an eyelid
when she left
does she do this
quite a lot
and she just went, oh yes.
Yeah. She must have been
minted. Yeah. To just keep going out
and buying tickets. I mean, she left very
early. Yeah. Like, maybe two minutes.
Yeah. And I thought, I'll have a bit of a battle with this
lady. I went, when was the last one she did?
And the one went, this one tonight. Yeah.
Oh yeah, well forget that. Forget it.
But the weird thing was, the lady who then moved up
to her seat, she then started scowling at me
to the point where I thought it was the seat.
Yeah.
But anyway, look,
it wasn't our fault.
I mean, I could have probably dealt with the situation better,
but I didn't want to.
Yeah.
They'd not provided me with a working environment
that we'd agreed with.
Yeah.
It was basically,
as I think I've said on the stage,
it was like somebody who works in an office,
turning up for work,
somebody who has to input things on a computer,
and the boss saying, no, today you're going to be doing your work somebody has to input things on a computer and the boss saying
no today
you're going to be doing
your work in the garden
and typing on a trifle
but we still expect
the work to be the same
we could probably put
a picture of the room
on our website
well I've started my blog
my Edinburgh blog now
so I'll pop it on there
so I'm going to actually
write about that gig
I mean at the moment
we're trying to be a bit
funny about it
but I'd quite like to go on the're trying to be a bit funny about it.
Yeah.
But I'd quite like to go on the internet and let off a bit of steam.
So I've been doing that on my Edinburgh blog, which is on the peacockandcumble.com.
Yeah, so I'm looking forward to that.
Yeah, but don't think it's going to be all funny, funny, funny, because it's not.
It's not.
If you've ever read his blogs in the past, bloody hell, get a tissue ready.
Yeah, get yourself ready for this, mate. Get a tissue ready to wipe with a coffee that you've just spat all over the screen.
Yeah, like Billy John Updike or something, but tinged with a bit of Jim Davidson.
But anyway, that's the point.
I felt it on stage that night, that I've had enough now.
I'm not going to be agreeable anymore.
Because I think people are rude, and I'm just going to join them.
It's like the cinema.
I don't know why I sit in the cinema being quiet and getting annoyed at people who aren't,
or getting annoyed at people on their phones.
As long as I've known you,
you've never quietly been annoyed about that.
So don't start saying,
oh, I think I'm going to start speaking out,
like you're suddenly an empowered woman.
No, not speaking out.
Not speaking out.
Literally, I'm going to leave my phone on in the cinema now.
Oh, right, okay.
As well.
Oh, no, I know I will shout at them in the cinema.
Oh, yeah, shout at your fucking retards.
Yeah.
That sort of thing. That sort of business. Yeah, yeah, yeah in the cinema. Oh yeah, shout at your fucking retard. That sort of thing.
That sort of business.
Fucking idiot.
Yeah,
you're into that.
Although interestingly,
the other week I went
to the cinema
and I was so bored
with the film,
which was insidious,
that I was being
objectionable.
Yeah,
it was.
I didn't like it,
I just thought it was
really quite,
I found it quite cynical
as a film.
But whenever scenes
were offending me
at that point,
I would just start
shouting,
cut.
And I was in it
really quite loud.
Just going,
cut.
Was it going down well?
Not really.
Talking to people
just literally
caring about themselves
and nobody else.
Yeah.
It was crystallised for me
on the day of the last
King's Place show we did
where I'd gone down
in the afternoon
because we're there all day
and we'd been rehearsing
in the daytime
and I went out to the toilet
in the afternoon
which I always enjoy
at King's Place. like yeah it's a nice
toilet such nice toilets you know when i don't enjoy it when i go in after you've been in for
your plop why i don't do it because i always accidentally pick the same cubicle because i
think we've got similar minds how do you know it's my one i can tell it's your one how can you tell
it's mine i know what you're dropping smell like you know what i i rarely rarely do a poo at king's
place you mate usually i do we get there and you go well i'll go do a poo at King's Place. Mate, you do a poo every day at King's Place.
Do you know what I do?
We get there and you go, well, I'll go for a poo in a minute.
No, no, no. This is where you're right. Guess what? I say I'm going for a poo. Do you know why I say I'm going for a poo?
Why?
Because they always do a sit down wee at King's Place.
Do you?
Yeah, because it's such a nice toilet.
Yeah.
But I like going in there and just have a little sit down and just do a sit down wee like a little bit.
Well, your piss stinks, mate.
Yeah, right. Well, that's fine.
But the last time
I was in there
so I went in there
the day we were rehearsing
and then the performance
of the night
and I went in there
and I'd done my business
washed my hands
because I'm a lovely boy
like that
yeah you are a nice boy
and I went to the
Dyson Airblade
which they have
oh lovely yeah
and there was a man
at the urinals
doing away
on his phone
just chatting away
blah blah blah
put my hands in
the Dyson Airblade
I mean they're very fast
Dyson Airbags
they're amazing
and I heard
and I stopped doing it
and I'm like
no listen
listen
and I took my hands out
and he went
excuse me
and I went yeah
and he went
I'm on the phone
right
and I genuinely
couldn't believe it
I was like
wow Desmond thinks
it's his toilet
it's like it's his toilet at home.
And I've just come in to dry my hands.
I was really cross.
So I did it.
I mean, I did my hands around a lot longer.
Yeah, it was proper dried up.
Oh, miles longer.
Little crisps.
Miles longer.
But I thought that kind of epitomised it for me.
So that's how I'm going to be from now onwards.
So I'm stopping this section now.
No, I've got something else.
No, no, mate.
I've got something else.
Mate, my computer.
That is genuinely unbelievable that that man would say that, though.
No, no, but I told you
when I came back.
Yeah, it was shocking.
When I came back from the rehearsal room.
It was really shocking.
Yeah, really amazing.
Can you keep that down?
I'm on the phone.
Excuse me,
can you not be hygienic
in my area very loudly, please?
I'm going to say,
you've got your cock out, mate. You can'm going to say, you've got your cock out, mate.
You can't tell someone off when you've got your cock out.
You've got a phone in one hand and your cock in the other.
Yeah, exactly.
And yet you're giving me shit.
Excuse me, I'm trying to do some admin while my penis is out of my jeans.
I love having my penis out.
Yeah, I know.
I like to get my penis out to have a wee, but I can do it when someone's drying their hands.
When I was younger, by the way,
I always envisaged that when I was an adult with my own place,
that I would spend a lot of time in the nude.
I don't like doing that.
No, I'm not a naturist or anything like that.
Naturalist.
What is it?
Naturist.
Naturist, naturalist.
I think they both work.
Naturalist, I think, is something different.
Yeah, I think I am that as well.
No, I think I'm not that as well.
But yeah,
it's not something that I want.
I don't want to parade around
in the nude.
I think I always thought...
Well, no,
you like a little parade around.
I like to show myself off
a little bit.
Well, let's...
I mean,
just as a quick example,
you went in the other room
just before we started recording.
Went to the bedroom, yeah.
Went into the bedroom
and said,
oh, I've took my shoes off.
Come and have a look at me
with my shoes off.
It is imaginative, isn't it? I just looked around the corner and said, I've took my shoes off, come and have a look at me with my shoes off. It is imaginative, isn't it?
I just looked around the corner and your bum was out.
Your trousers were down, your bum was out.
And then I thought, I'm not going to look at this.
And then you went, oh, look, I've dropped this.
And you were just bending over.
What could you see?
Could you see my balls and my penis?
I couldn't see the hangy balls, no.
I could see just your arse.
Yeah.
And it's just,
it's not an ideal working environment.
What annoys me about you... Right, this always gets round to it.
What annoys me about you, right,
is that...
It's a really nice bum.
Even though I feel at ease
enough to show off my private parts
with you around,
which, by the way,
I don't do lightly.
No.
I'm not the sort of person
who would get my penis out on stage, for example, like some comedians might do. Right. Or my balls or anything like that. You know no i'm not the sort of person who would get my penis out on stage for
example like some comedians might do right balls or anything like that you know i'm not supposed
to just get some out or when i'm drunk yeah i'm not that person at all yeah i like to keep it all
hidden away thank you very much in your trousers yeah not least of all because it's nothing to look
at it's nothing you know nothing to show off about at all but the fact that we've got to a point in
our relationship where I'm quite happy
to just show you
a little bit of myself,
literally a little bit of it,
and take my trousers off
for you,
in front of you,
and you,
you won't even look.
I did look, mate,
because I wouldn't have
known otherwise.
I know you've seen them before,
but I'm saying,
when I come stand next to you,
with my penis out,
you shouldn't be looking away.
You know what?
If I'd asked
to see any of it...
That'd just be weird, mate.
Then that'd be fine.
No, that'd be weird.
But at that moment in time...
What, you're saying we're gay?
That moment in time, I wasn't up for looking at your bum.
Right.
Well, I was up for showing it to you.
Yeah, well, then we're going to have some sort of compromise.
No, because we're at an impasse.
And in that situation...
No, that's fine.
What you do in that situation is you go,
right, who's contributing the most
let's do what they want to do
right
and you were just sat there
on your foot
whilst I was there
with mine out
right
I had gone to the trouble
you were contributing
the most to the situation
I had gone to the trouble
of taking my trousers
all the way down
yeah
being bare
my penis was out
on the other side
yeah no I guess
I guess it would be.
Completely out.
It wasn't sitting in a box
under the bed.
So imagine that.
So I'm vulnerable.
This is the way we'll do it.
I'm already vulnerable.
Every day we're together,
you will have
a five minute window of time
where I know
and you know
that there is the potential
that you could get
your balls, dick
or barse out.
Right.
Right.
And if you want to do it,
that's fine
and then I'll be ready for it.
Fine well that's
that bit of
Edinburgh sorted
out.
From now on so
10.50 to 10.55pm
in August you can
get your arse
testicles or
penis out.
But that's the
beginning of our
show.
Yeah.
Well sorry mate
I just picked it
at random.
Well I'm fine
then I'll make a
much longer film
for the beginning
of the show.
Yeah.
And then backstage
anyone coming to
our show eventually
broadcast will know that even though we've not come onto the stage
yet at the very point where you're watching the intro film I have got my penis and balls out and
Ed has got to look at them right so you know that's happening I will have a look at them fine
I will agree to that and also 10 50 to 55 in the morning as well no no if I choose to do that if
I'm up no you're gonna be a sleepy no I get up quite early mate what are you gonna do probably have a bit of a snooze in the afternoon if I can go for a, if I'm up. No, you're going to be a sleepy. No, I get up quite early, mate. What are you going to do?
Probably have a bit of a snooze in the afternoon if I can.
Go for a jog.
A little jog around.
Have your oats.
Yeah, I'm going to live on oats in Edinburgh, mate.
Yeah, chuck them around.
Yeah, I'm going to actually have a load of oats, right?
I'm going to have a load of oats.
I'm just going to get, at the beginning of Edinburgh, I'm going to get a big bag of oats.
Yeah.
Right?
And I'm basically going to, that's what I'm going to live on.
Right.
And no matter.
Nothing else.
You're not going to have anything else.
Now, what I'm going to get as well is I'm going to get some chicken. It's very spicy chicken. I'm just going to let that go off in live on. Right. And no matter. Nothing else. You don't get anything else. Nothing else. What I'm going to get as well is I'm going to get some chicken.
It's very spicy chicken.
I'm just going to let that go off in the fridge
for the whole of Edinburgh.
Yeah.
By the way,
this all sounds a bit inaccessible
at the moment,
but this is what somebody
that I once lived in Edinburgh with did.
That's why we're making this joke about it.
Yeah.
So I'm going to get a big bag of oats.
Yeah.
And a bowl.
Yeah.
And I'm basically going to,
I'm going to eat oats around the house
okay
in the bath
there will be oats
in the bath
at some point
there will definitely
be oats
one day you will
walk into the bathroom
and you will find
oats in the bath
just like I did
that time
it was literally
like he bought
that bag of oats
and the first time
I'd gone out
he'd literally run
around swinging it
about his head
but yeah
I think oats
is a good thing
to live on in Edinburgh
and then 10.50 in the morning,
I'll pop through to your bedroom,
which I'm allowed in.
Well, you're allowed in it if you knock.
Yeah, all right.
I will knock and then run my balls out.
And my penis.
And your penis out as well.
A bit tricky to just have your balls out, isn't it?
Mine are detachable, mate.
I've got the old detachable balls.
Where did you get them?
Bowling shop.
Crown green bowling, I mean.
Yeah, old people.
Death bowls. Yeah, old people. Death bowls.
Yeah, death bowls.
And basically they have a thing called the jack,
which is a little white ball.
Yeah, you make that, don't you?
They throw that down the pitch.
Yeah.
And later on,
then they've got to get the big black balls
and get them near the little jack.
So basically,
I bought myself a couple of little jacks.
Yeah.
I looked at the big black balls
and then thought,
no, they're probably not for me.
And I got the little jack and I've got two of those. Two of those. On a bit of little jacks. Yeah. I looked at the big black balls and then thought, no, they're probably not for me. And I got the
little jack and I've
got two of those.
Two of those.
On a bit of
straighter.
Jacks.
Yeah.
Hung around my
penis.
I mean, I've got my
real balls underneath,
but I always think
of as my jacks, as
my real balls.
Your jacks, yeah.
Pleasant's Dime,
10.50.
Pleasant's Dime,
10.50.
See you there.
Yep. A lot of you will have fast forwarded through the podcast already
just to get ready for this section now coming up
What's this one now mate?
Which is my great one that I always do
Here's the jingle for it
Rhythm is gonna get you
Rhythm is gonna get you
Rhythm is gonna get you
Yes, it's time for
Ray says the ingredients
for our food. And you've got to decide
which, when he
does that, he'll put one in that it doesn't
belong there. And you've got to
decide then, which one is the one
that doesn't belong there for the food. Or it
might be a drink one week. Have we got lots of people
entering this at the moment, man? And when
I say it, then
you've got to... How many people enter each week?
When I say the thing,
you've got to enter then.
I mean, I've seen one
for the first one
and then none for the rest of them.
If you want the sections going,
you've got to enter this.
You've got to say which one you think it is.
Petrol.
It's petrol.
So, this week,
the food or drink is
cup of tea.
Right.
Cup of tea.
Now, what's the rogue ingredient for a cup of tea? It of tea now what's the rogue ingredient right for a
cup of tea petrol isn't it please don't think like for example you might take tea without sugar so
don't say oh sugar is the rogue ingredient because that's just for you um but there might be like
generally speaking right a cup of tea is um tea water milk and sugar right so right here are the
ingredients giving away all the actual ingredients here are the ingredients. He's given away all the actual ingredients already.
Here are the ingredients of a cup of tea.
Petrol would be the rogue one.
Right.
Tea bag, petrol, water, sugar, milk and petrol.
So if you could decide...
Are there not two rogue ingredients in that one?
If I repeated any of the ingredients and just...
Yeah.
It only counts as ones.
This is never happening again.
If you could decide
which one of those
is going to be
the one
that is the rogue ingredient.
This has been
the most ridiculous
15 minutes of my life.
Please enter...
Please enter the competition.
You made us stop
recording the podcast.
We've got to get through it.
It's best to just crack through it.
Oh, I've got to save it
at some point.
Yeah, you made us stop doing it
so we could play a game of Muppet Top Trump.
Yeah, but I was saving it.
Which are the most arbitrary games of Top Trumps I've ever seen.
I can see why they do it with cars,
because fastest car wins.
Not someone's decided who the funniest Muppet is
or who's rated mayhem by points.
Incidentally, I am...
50 mayhem? What does that mean?
I won about the first 10 or 15 ghosts. Yeah, you did. I was running riot. Yeah. Then he clawed it back
a little bit, but then I won it comfortably. Oh, how much mayhem would you say this character
has? Oh, 50. 50 mayhem. Yeah, that's Animal. Animal's got 50 mayhem. But what is 50 mayhem?
Because he's off his head and he mayhem. Is it scientifically calculated? No. You see,
a thing per episode he smashes up, so that's a point.
Oh, I'm sorry everybody who likes Top Trumps,
but you can only have Top Trumps about boring things now,
because Ed has decided it's got to be scientifically accurate.
Well, I think there should be some sort of, it can't be opinion.
Oh, no more Harry Potter.
So humour.
No more Harry Potter Top Trumps.
No, that's arbitrary.
Oh, no more superhero Top Trumps, not for you.
No, you can have, from now on, you can have Top Trumps cutlery.
Yeah, but all I'm saying is it needs to have some basis in fact.
That has got some basis in fact.
What, humour? Someone's gone, oh, Dave made me laugh more.
Who are the funnier characters on the Muppets?
Humour, yeah, but humour is completely subjective, isn't it?
Yeah, but generally speaking on the Muppets, youour. Yeah, but humour is completely subjective, isn't it? Yeah, but generally speaking
in the Muppets,
you would argue that,
for example,
Fozzie is a funnier character
than Janice.
No, you would,
because he's your favourite character.
He plays the guitar in the band.
Right.
So Fozzie is funnier.
Glamour.
Well, same argument back.
You would say that Janice
has a higher glamour
than Fozzie.
No, I wouldn't.
Yeah, you would.
No, I wouldn't.
Oh, so you'd rather
have sex with a bear?
I think glamour
has nothing to do with how much you want to have sex with someone.
Oh, yeah.
Well, Fozzie's very glamorous, isn't he?
With his little pork pie out of his neckerchief.
Oh, how glamorous is that?
I consider that to be glamour.
Right.
Well, then you're weird.
And you wouldn't win at any Top Trumps.
I would.
No Top Trumps would make you happy.
Because you'd be going, oh, this car shouldn't be that car.
Because I don't like the shape of the grill.
No, but that's what you're saying with that. Because I am weird. You're saying this Muppet shouldn't be that car because I don't like the shape of the grill. No, but that's what you're saying
with that. Because I am weird. You're saying this
Muppet shouldn't be that Muppet because I
don't find them funny. I am a weirdo. I'm saying
that the car one is better because you
go, well, this one has a higher top speed.
I am Ed Gumbel. I am a weirdo.
Right, I'm going to draw on you. Right, get off me now.
I'm going to draw on you. I am Ed Gumbel. I am a
weirdo. Ooh.
Good luck finding someone else to play Top Trumps with.
Oh, Top Trumps.
I could play it with myself.
Yeah.
Easy.
Always try to win.
And then you'd always win, so there'd be no tantrums.
No.
Well, that's what happens sometimes when you are rubbish at darts on the iPad.
And I will just take it off you, and I will just play both of us.
I'll play me, Ray Peacock with a lovely photo of me.
I think this says more about you than it does about me.
With a lovely photo of me and Ed Gamble with a lovely photo of you.
Yeah, just me.
Definitely me it is.
It's not a photo of Harvey.
Yeah.
Jordan and his sons, so don't worry about that.
But I will just do my best in every shot and then just see who wins.
Yeah, I know, it's pathetic.
Nothing wrong with that at all.
Nothing wrong with that.
It's a killer bit of time.
Well, the answer's petrol, so write in.
The answer's petrol.
You're a horrible, horrible, weird boy.
No, right in.
The answer's petrol.
You're a horrible, horrible, weird boy.
This has been the worst podcast so far.
No, it's not.
It's been a really funny one.
It has been the worst one so far because I'm not... Do you know what?
I'm not even going to rise to it.
Rise to what?
I'm not even going to show you that I'm upset.
I'm not even going to show you.
What?
I'm going to be the big man here now.
I'm going to be the bigger man, now. I'm going to be the bigger man
which is weird because you are the biggest
one of you, the fat.
No. I'm not going to show you
that you're affecting me. Why are you so upset?
Because that's what you, that is how you do it.
That is how you do your abuse. Why are you so
upset? Because I try
and bring a little bit of fun
No, you're wasting time.
I try and bring a little bit of fun into our life. wasting time. I try and bring a little bit of fun
into our life
and then go play Top Trumps.
Yeah, another Muppets thing.
Do my section and there was a joke
in my section about Petra
and you just keep
slagging it off. You just
spend all your time slagging me off for being
me.
That is what you do. I don't. You look at me
and you think, how can I make it?
How can I make it less fun?
How can I
make him not confident
about himself?
How can I destroy him and bring him down
so that he needs me? That is what you
do. That is why you say things like,
sometimes we're in the house and you're going,
don't go outside. no girl will find you attractive now stay at home and kiss me and i've never said i know do
do that and i enjoy it but i don't know why you feel the need that you've got to keep subjugating
me in such an horrible way oh subjugate go get that woman off that gig tell her i just used the
word subjugate you're a dreadful individual and you criticise me constantly.
No, I don't.
You criticise me constantly.
You metaphorically come to the party and you criticise me for being a nice boy at the party.
You'd never be at a party.
I'm kind and friendly.
You'd never be at a party.
And I'd entertain everyone else and you criticise me even though you are just stood in the corner
with your little glass of gin and you're sneering
I don't like everybody
I don't like it
all ray is fun
so I don't like that
I want to talk about
the nicknames
you've been calling me mate
I want to know
all of that
this is another thing
that I you know
something I bring
into our everyday
bit of life
yeah no I'd hate it
a little bit of sunshine
it's not sunshine
well they're not nicknames
first of all
they're pet names
are they
yes so I'm your pet am I no you know what I mean affectionate together right babes call you babes I just think A little bit of sunshine into... It's not sunshine. Well, they're not nicknames, first of all. They're pet names. Are they? Yes.
So I'm your pet, am I?
No, you know what I mean.
Affectionate.
Together.
Right.
Babes.
Call you Babes.
I just think, yeah, Babes is one of them.
I just think we should settle on one because I don't know where I am most of the time.
Babes is fine then.
Babes.
Babes.
Are we going to settle on Babes?
Because for a while you went through a period of calling me Chucky Egg.
Yeah, Chucky Egg.
But I don't know where...
Chucky Egg.
What is Chucky Egg?
Affectionate.
Pet name.
Why Chucky Egg? Just sounds nice, doesn't it? Does it? Yeah. Hello, Chucky Egg. Hi, Chucky Egg. Chuckie Egg? Faction name. Why Chuckie Egg?
Just sounds nice, doesn't it?
Does it?
Yeah.
Hello, Chuckie Egg.
Hi, Chuckie Egg.
How are you doing, Chuckie Egg?
Right, so Chuckie Egg or Babes, first of all.
We'll do it.
Hey, so there's no need to be upset.
We'll do it like Top Trumps.
All right, then.
Chuckie Egg v Babes.
All right, then.
Oh, I'm going to go with...
Honestly, I say Babes quite a lot.
Yeah.
But I like Chuckie Egg as well.
Yeah.
I think they're both 10, so I'll keep them both. No, we're only having one, so Chuckie Egg. Chuckie Egg as well yeah I think they're both ten so
keep them both
no we're only having
one so Chuckie Egg
Chuckie Egg and
Babes
they're both ten
Babes and Babes
so put them
put those two cards
together and put them
in the middle
right
they're both ten
Baby Cakes
right
there's quite a lot
from the song
it's quite nice
because it fits in
the song
versus what
well the one you
came up with today
you texted me today
what's that
Sucker Lump
Sucker Lump
yeah
I'm not sure
what sucker lump is.
I was asleep
when I said that.
No you weren't.
I literally just
woke up to text you.
So you've woken up.
Yeah, but I was asleep.
So you weren't asleep.
I was asleep.
No you weren't, yeah.
Alright, fine.
You win the sucker lump card.
Yeah, you have won
that card, fine.
What is sucker lump?
Sucker lump.
What do you mean sucker lump?
Like a horse having
a lump of sugar.
You texted me back
saying I'm not sure
about sucker lump.
Yeah, I'm not sure
about sucker lump.
And then I texted you back.
Just get it in your mouth.
Just get it sucked.
Just get it sucked.
Yeah.
Just get it sucked your bard get.
Yeah, because suck a lump sounds like heffa lump to me.
Oh, I see.
No, it's not that.
And heffa lumps like big elephants, aren't they?
Yeah, it's not that.
It's more like a little boy.
Not a little boy, but you know, like you.
Like a little pudding.
A little pudding?
Just.
Did you just call me a little pudding? Yeah, like a little pudding that A little pudding? Did you just call me a little pudding?
Yeah, like a little pudding that just
clamps its mouth on your genitals.
What the hell?
And sucks the lump.
That's so weird.
That's like some sort of horrible dystopian future film.
No, actually...
Oh, there's my sucker lump.
I'll keep him in the cupboard.
Some weird bit of dough with eyes pushed in.
Right, well, you know, listen, right?
This is a good thing, sucker lump, right? Because you think, not only is it an affectionate pet name, but it's also eyes pushed in. Right, well you know, listen right, this is a good thing, suck a lump right, because you're
thinking, not only is it an effect on your pet name, but it's also a medical procedure.
Right.
Yeah, so you could also be employed by a booper hospital.
Yeah, draining people's lumps.
Yeah, basically, anyone has a goiter on them or anything like that.
So I'm like a limpet sort of thing.
They put a little pinprick in it and then you put your mouth around it and tickle the
juice out.
So I'm like a limpet with a really round mouth and teeth.
Yes, yeah you are.
Suck a lump. Yeah, ten, that's a keeper. Right. Ten. round mouth and teeth. Yes, yeah you are. Sucker Lump.
Yeah, ten, that's a keeper.
Ten.
Any other ones?
No, that's basically it.
Sucker Lump.
I think I've called you Chumper Lump.
Chumper Lump, I'm sure you have, mate.
Chumper Lump, that's ten.
Chumper Lump's actually
the name they used to call
the really big fans
of Chumper Womba.
Is it really?
Yeah, I like the idea
of it a bit less.
That's ten, keep that.
Chumper Lump.
So we're keeping all of these,
aren't we?
Honey Bunny.
Honey Bunny, yeah,
that's a bit more standard.
All the traditional ones.
I think the one that's upset me most is sucker lump.
Really?
Yeah, because you've thought about it.
It's a really weird thought you've had about it,
that I am like a pudding who you can clamp around your genitals.
Like I'm some sort of weird gelatinous sex slave.
And what's your argument against that?
Well, I don't want...
Well, you haven't got one.
You haven't got one because you are.
I don't want to be a brainless paste that you stick on your
crotch whenever you want satisfaction.
People often don't want to be what they are.
Well then in that case, try and
better yourself, but for the time being you're a suckalump.
Now come on, get on that crotch.
That's it, get all the
juice out.
See you next week.
Get all the juice out.
The Cooking Game Podcast was next week get all the juice Peacock and Gamble podcast
was devised and
performed by
Ray Peacock
and Ed Gamble
all music by
the Tiger Lilies
except for the
last one
which is
performed by
Frank Sidewit
Peacock and
Gamble podcast
is a ready
production hosted
by
www.chortle.co.uk
see you next
week