The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 77

Episode Date: July 19, 2020

"Episode 77" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 78 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble Podcast. That was of course Bette Midler and Wind Beneath Your Wings. It's just coming up to 35 minutes past 10 and this is the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Oh, and who's this coming through the door from the toilet? Oh. My old pal, Ed Gamble. I've been waiting for about three hours for us to start. He's just coming through now.

I've just been doing the sound check and back-announcing Bette Midler. For the beginning of the podcast. Right. This is Ray Peacock here, live in your ears, and this, and now joined by... Ed Gamble, live in your ears. Nice to see you, Ed Gamble.

Thank you very much for joining us today. Welcome to the studio. Thank you very much. So, what have you been up to, my old mate? I've just been having a piss. Having a piss in the toilet? Yes. Lovely.

And what sort of things have you been doing professionally? Piss. You've done a professional piss? Nice. I've done a professional piss. Very, very nice indeed. Well, it's nice to see you in the studio, as always. We always enjoy when you come in.

Is this it or not? Yeah, you don't have to start recording it, as always we always enjoy when you come in is this it or not yeah you don't have to start recording it definitely we always enjoy when you come in we always enjoy when you come in

to the old PC studios the PC studios podcast studios I've got to put my phone on and turn the settings off can you just do that we'll all wait

we'll all wait now no but the listeners started listening to the podcast no this can't be the beginning of it the listener has put the podcast on

is listening to it they can hear all that background noise that's because you flushed the toilet yeah it's because I, this can't be the beginning of it. The listener has put the podcast on, is listening to it, they can hear all that background noise, that's because you flushed the toilet. Yeah. It's because I assumed we wouldn't be starting,

let's finish now, I assumed we wouldn't be starting when I was in the toilet having a wee. Well, had to back announce Bette Midler. No, because I don't imagine Bette Midler is actually

on the recording, so people are going to start listening to this and it's just going to be you going, that was Bette Midler. They're going to throw their iPod in the toilet.

That's pretty much what happened there. Yeah. Although, weirdly, that wasn't Bette Midler, that was the tiger liler. They're going to throw their iPod in the toilet. That's pretty much what happened there. Yeah. Although, weirdly, that wasn't Bette Midler. That was the Tiger Lilies. Yeah. Wasn't it? With the famous song, Gouge My Eyes Out.

Gouge My Eyes Out. Yeah, that's the theme song there. If you ever want to go and get that on iTunes or whatever, or wherever they sell it. It's on the album Spitbucket. Yeah, have a go at that and listen to that. So, the time now is coming up to 22.36. We've been going for about a minute and a half. So, the time now is coming up to 22.36. We've been

going for about a minute and a half. So, coming up on the show today, lots of very, very... Why are you doing this like a radio show? I think we should be on the radio now. But you want to do quite a cheesy commercial radio show. Anything, really. Right, okay. I just think we've got more chance of doing it if we do it like this. Okay. Right, we'll just join in with it.

Coming up on tonight's show, we've got a little bit of chat from a local man whose trousers are too big. Right, that'll just join in with it. Coming up on tonight's show, we've got a little bit of chat from a local man whose trousers are too big. Right, that's something we could do. And we've got our chart that we all do. The chart, the top ten. Happy shopper, super duper top ten. Let's just keep dinner podcast. Right, okay.

Welcome to the show. Thank you. Thank you. It'd be brilliant anyway if we did our radio show. Why? If we did do one, because we've already got sections ready for it. Like this one, our regular section that happens every week. Oh.

Ray reads out the ingredient of some food. Right. And then puts in a rogue one. A rogue ingredient, which is petrol. And the listener has to... Might be petrol. Yeah. And the listener has to work out which is the rogue ingredient and maybe win a prize.

Yeah. This week, it's going to be Sainsbury's Coconut. Succulent and sweet. Right. And I'm now going to read out the ingredients. Yeah. Now, we all know how it goes. And then the listener's got to work out which one of the ingredients I say

isn't an actual ingredient. It's petrol. Ingredients. Yeah. Coconut, brackets, 100%. Petrol. So, have a listen to them. Wind it back if you have to.

Wind it back if you have to. And then we'll see if we were surprised. Are you eating it now? Is that part of it? A bit of coconut, mate. Yeah. A bit petrally. Oh, that's a red herring.

I don't know. I thought I knew what the rogue ingredient was. I don't know. That's got a bit of petrol in it. In fact, it tastes more of petrol than anything else. Oh, it might just be a pot full of petrol. I can't taste any coconut in that. Well, what could be the rogue ingredient, ladies and gentlemen?

But is all this a bit of a red herring and all? Yeah, it's all very mysterious. Does it just taste of coconut? Yeah. Yes, it does. There'll be another rogue ingredient next week. Petrol. There won't be another rogue ingredient. There's always petrol.

How do you know? There'll be another food next week. And you'll say petrol in the middle of the list of ingredients. What if I don't? Well, then, that's fine. You can use another rogue ingredient. That'd be ideal. Well, stop slagging me off.

Before I've even done it. Well, no, you've done it already. No, but you're saying that next week I'm going to do it as well, you're saying? Yeah, I'm pretty sure you are. It'll be petrol again. Yeah, but what if I don't do it? Well, then, well done. Yeah, but you're slagging me off now.

I'm not slagging you off. I'm saying it will probably be petrol. I had a dream last night that I was on a big one at Blackpool, but they'd rebuilt it. Went on it, only one dip. That was it. Shit. Half of it was like, that's not what the big one's likepool but they'd rebuilt it. Went on it, only one dip, that was it. Shit. Half of it was like, that's not what the big one's like.

Looked round and it was like half the big one was missing. Oh. That's annoying. Yeah. It is annoying but you can't get cross with Blackpool now

for that. It's not happened yet. No, mate, it's not just an idea I've had at random. Yeah. It's because for the last seven weeks

you've done this section and said petrol. Well, first off, it's three weeks. I can't say the sun's going to come up tomorrow and you go, well, you can't say that. It's not come up yet. One day it might not. One day it might not. Nothing is certain. Yeah, well, but you can

When you're around, especially. You can get as close as you can get to certainty through empirical facts. Right. Yeah, but empirical facts Not facts. Knowledge. Alright. Empirical knowledge might just be something that you're dreaming. No, it's constant conjunction. It might be. right empirical knowledge might just be something you've that you're dreaming no it's it might be no you might now be asleep everything you know so far might have been a 12 year old girl's dream no no you might be a 12 year old girl you can't say for a

fact you're not you might be a 12 year old girl that's dreaming that she is a big fat 20 whatever year old that you're all right she's dreaming, but she's also dreamt your entire life. But then why would you be saying this, then, to me? That's part of the dream, like, inception. It's part of the dream, is it? Yeah. I don't even exist, maybe. So she's dreaming you and me? I might be the fantasy of a 12-year-old girl.

Mate, mate. That's what I'm saying. I'm looking at you, and I'm telling you now, you are not the fantasy of a 12-year-old girl. Who's the fantasy of a 12-year-old girl, then? Justin Bieber. You are the fantasy of a 45-year-old girl. Who's the fantasy of a 12-year-old girl, then? Justin Bieber. You are the fantasy of a 45-year-old woman from Rotherham who hasn't got out of bed for six months.

What sort of Rotherham? Horrible place. We've got fans in Rotherham. Oh, yeah, we've got Nigel. Yeah, Nigel. Ed just said you live in a horrible place. Right, listen to this. How old's Peter Andre?

I don't know, late 30s? Probably roughly the same age as me. Yeah. Welcome all the dolly birds like him. You look a bit different to Peter Andre. I've got as good a personality. You've got a better personality, and let me tell you, some Dollybirds prefer you.

Yeah, thank you very much. We've just watched a bit of Peter Andre's programme. Peter Andre Happy to Help. I could do that programme. Happy to Help. Yeah, Ray Peacock, Happy to Help. I don't think it was called Happy to Help, was it? What was it called?

Here to Help. Here to Help. You look a bit pissed off to be helping at times. You look happy. Here to Help, Happy to Help. Either way, bit pissed off to be helping at times. Here to Help, happy to help. Either way, it's going to be Watson's badge in three years.

It's nice that they're predicting it now, isn't it? Yeah, it's lovely, yeah. I'd love to do this programme, Peter Andre Here to Help.

Be on it. I'd love it to be like Ray Peacock Here to Help. Oh, right. What sort of things would you help out with?

Just do what he does, just go and bargain with places for free stuff. Alright, I'll be a shop owner. Hello, sir, come on in. Alright, mate, I'm just doing this thing, this telly programme free stuff. Yeah. Alright. I'll be a shop owner. Alright. Hello sir. Come on in.

Alright mate. I'm just doing this thing this teleprogramme for living. Yeah. And I've met this woman down there. She's wrote in. She's had a baby

that she shouldn't have had. Oh. Like it's ruined her life. She's not getting out. She's got no friends or anything like that. Yeah. And I've said

stupidly I'll help out because I'm doing a programme for living as I said. Basically she needs some straw for her bedroom. And you sell straw here, don't you? Yes, we sell it, yeah. I'm not allowed to buy it, though. It's part of the rules of the programme. Can you just leave? No, listen, though.

Pop yourself out the shop. The rules of the programme are I can't buy it, but I've got a barter for it. I'll do something for you. Right. For the hay. I'll do anything for the hay. You'd do anything for the hay, would you? Yeah. Okay. Have a look at that. Right. This is... You know this is on living, though, isn't it?

Well, I'm living my life. Right. I've got to get it where I can. Sheila, get the hay ready for Mr Peacock. Oh, Sheila's going to... Hi, Sheila. Get her on the back. Get the hay ready. And I get the hay at the end of this.

You get the hay at the end, yeah. Oh! Okay, here we are. One strand of hay. Right, I need... If you rewind the tape, you'll notice you didn't specify how much hay you wanted. I need quite a lot of hay for... How many more strands do you want?

She's had a baby. Right, bend over. God. I'm here to help. Ow, rapey, I'm here to help. Ow, here to help. Oh, God. There's another strand.

I wish I'd stayed with Jordan. I'd love you to do that programme as well, mate. Yeah, it'd be a laugh, wouldn't it? Come here while I give you a freebie. Should do an army update, really. Yeah, we should do. There has been a bit of movement. A little bit of movement.

People getting back into position. Yeah, just slowly. They're readjusting. They've got over the horrors of the war. Yeah, yeah. And now they're coming back into society. Coming back in for their second tour. Yeah.

I will mention a few people this week who've been telling us stuff on PeacockandGamble.com, on the forum. Also, a very honorary mention to Thomas van der Reij. Is it Ray or Re? Ray, Re? Thomas van der Reij. Van der Reij.? Ray? Re? Thomas van der Reij. Van der Reij.

He's not South African, mate. Yeah, no, but the accent comes from Holland. Thomas. The accent, it's bored. It's from the southern region. Well, anyway, Thomas is Holland. Well, there was a lot of migration from Holland to South Africa, I believe. Yeah.

Or the other way round. Well, Thomas is Holland-ish. Dutch. Yeah, it's from Holland. Welsh. Yeah. he's from Holland. Welsh. Yeah. I know, Welsh. But Thomas has been doing music for us for a while now, really.

He's done little bits and bobs of music that we did in the live shows. Yeah. And we asked him last minute... He done the I Will Follow Him thing? Yeah, the I Will Follow Him, the one that's on the trailer on YouTube, on the QR trailer one. And he's also done a song for our show, which we just decided we wanted in the show at the last minute.

Yeah, and he just went and did it. Yeah, we wrote the lyrics and he's composed it. And done an amazing job on it. And even with all our changes and stuff. So a big, big thank you to Thomas. And can you also give him a rank for the army? Dutch master. Dutch master piano.

Dutch master piano you are. Dutch master piano. Yeah, I added a bit to it. Because there was a bit of piano in his thing, wasn't it? Yeah. And if you want to hear what Tom has composed for us, then why not come to see Peacock and Gamble on the emergency broadcast? Yes, please.

At one of the live dates, or up at the Edinburgh Fringe. From the 3rd to the 28th of August. At the Pleasant's Dome. Losing money already. Yeah. You're not allowed to say that. I know, doing very, very well. Right, so Mike Laserbeam has been doing some stuff on Yahoo Answers

which probably hasn't been very helpful so give him give him something yeah alright Laserbeam alright you're a Laserbeam

Mike Laserbeam alright Lazybeam yeah Lazybeam because that's all you've been doing you're just entertaining yourself yeah you're Mike Lazybeam yeah

Jim Sterling has been carrying on doing stuff. Yeah. Yeah, so... Yeah, he yet again wins the Jim Sterling Sterling Work Award. Yeah, Sterling Work Award. Also Jim Sterling. Other way round it,

we mentioned Destructoid, the website you work for, in an interview with Nintendo Magazine. Yeah, the official Nintendo Magazine. Official Nintendo Magazine. We mentioned Destructoid, so we've done more for you. Yeah, a bit of cross-pollination there.

Yeah, but still Sterling Work Award for the week. Yeah, with a Jim Sterling Work Award. Earrings. Your bits you had don't work. They're all right. Aquatol, I'm going to do some Photoshopps of you on my internet and put them up on site. So you're going to do it.

They haven't done it yet. He's going to do Ray and Ed as the X-Men. The X-Men as Ray and Ed. Ray as basketball. What the fuck's that mean? Why is it Ray as a basketball? He's a fat do Ray and Ed as the X-Men, the X-Men as Ray and Ed, Ray as basketball. What the fuck's that mean? Why is it Ray as a basketball? He's a fat get-all. Yeah, but I'm tall, so...

Ray as dealed box. What does that mean? Deal or no deal box. All right. Ed as petrol. Twin Towers. Brilliant. Yeah, so that should certainly get us more listeners

and plenty of people coming to the live show. You win the vague and nearly Jack Rebel award. Yeah. No, because Jack Rebel's coming up. Oh, is he? Has he put something recently? Carl underscore Pilkington. So it's Carl Pilkington he says his name is.

And also we need to apologise to him because he got quite heavily out of pocket. Yeah, after the Wellingarden City cancellation. Yeah, when the Wellingarden City cancelled our show, we didn't cancel it. The theatre cancelled it. And he'd splashed out already. But apparently he came to my gig in London

didn't say hello though you should have said hello next time you see any of us around come and say hello and we'll get you a pint to say sorry for his silly old venue

yeah that's Ed for me just leave me alone oh no but only if we're together oh if we're together that's fine yeah because I'm a prick

when I'm on my own you're a violent drunk very violent drunk Carl Puncton handed out 250 flyers at the London Film and Comic Con last weekend. Well, I'll do.

Does that make me a captain or not, he said. Captain? Captain's a bit high, isn't it? That's a bit strong, isn't it? For 250 flyers? Yeah. Leaflet bitch. Yeah.

Yeah, you are a leaflet bitch, Carl Pulkington. That's really good work, though. Yeah, it's not bad. But you are a leaflet bitch. 250 isn't a lot, though, is it? Well, it's 250. In reality. 250 more than we've done.

Well, it's 250 that he made himself as well. Right. It's like we paid for him and all. Now, it's more effort if he's drawn them all, if he's hand drawn them all. Yeah, can you verify that?

At the moment you're a leaflet bitch, but if you drew them all, then we might, we might make you into a leaflet upper class lady. Oh, and Jack Rebels put something here. Has he? This is new.

Yeah, there is a guy that does draws for the Beano that lives in the town I live near. Right? Kevfcomicart.blogsp this is new. Yeah, there is a guy that does draws for the Beano that lives in the town I live near, right? Kevfcomicart.blogspot.com and that's Kev of Sutherland, isn't it?

Doesn't he do the socks? Yeah, I know him anyway. And that guy, we should try and make him listen to the podcast, I believe he

has listened to the podcast, and make a Peacock and Gamble comic, right? Jack. It's getting a bit past the joke now, isn't it?

If he draws for the Beano, he doesn't make the Beano, Jack is getting a bit past the joke now, isn't it? If he draws for the Beano, he doesn't make the Beano, Jack. So we can't really get a man who can just draw a bit to make a comic. Print it up, get it in the shops and paid for it. It doesn't really work like that. Does he want it to be in the shops, though, or does he just want it as a little momentum?

Why does Jack Rebel always say things like, we should make him? Yeah, let's make him. Yeah, let's make him. Let's get him in the back though or do you just want it as a little momentum and also why does Jack Rebel always say things like we should make him yeah let's make him let's make him let's get him in the back of a van right you know the fun day times right we've changed that

to the peacock and gamble times yeah that's what we should try and do so Jack again as always lovely suggestion lovely suggestion

pop yourself up against that wall get up against that wall Jack oh he's still there he's still there stay against that wall Jack

no shootings this week. It is just an army update and next week we'll come back and we'll see whether you've managed to get Kevin F Sutherland. If you can make him do a comic, Jack, I'll take all this back. Yeah, we'd love the comic.

And by the way, he lives near you. So it's a bit more convenient for you than it is for us. But thanks for your help and let's carry on with the army into next week. Building it all up for Edinburgh Fringe.

Yeah. Sell four more tickets. Come on, just four more. Load up your guns. Fire them in the air. Get all the attention. Edinburgh Fringe. Ed, if I was dying, would you look after me?

Yeah. What would you do? What are you dying of? I don't know if I am or not. I don't think I am. I don't feel like I'm dying, particularly. No. No more than normal, anyway.

Well, don't say that, mate, because a lot of your stand-up set is, oh, I think I'm dying and is to some of the things I've done. Yeah, so if I didn't say I'm, probably not, don't I? Yeah. Don't say, hang on a minute, you still on the podcast, you were thinking you were alright now. Yeah. So we're not coming anymore.

Yeah, well, I'm drinking lots of coffee now. Hopefully that will break my kidneys. I would look after you, mate. Oh, thanks, mate. But is it like poo-poo wee-wee looking after? That might end up being part of it. I'd hire someone if that was it. What?

Mate, I would not wipe your arse. Why? I'd be sick. Not for fun, but if... No, I know not for fun, but I would be sick. If I was incapacitated, if I actually... Then you wouldn't care either way, would you? That's not really the point, is it?

It's more about being looked after I don't want to wipe your bum mate I would do do you know what if you were we'd sort out a pulley rag system

oh do you mean like a Wallace and Gromit machine for wiping your bum we'd sort something out like that because I'm not doing it like normal

why would you not do it because I will be sick can you not just concentrate on me for a minute and just think

oh the poor the poor man that's why I feel the sumo wrestlers sumo wrestlers have people who do it for them because they can't

reach them but that's from being greedy isn't it no it's from being one of the finest sports people that the

world produces a lot of them are just always caning all the hamburgers in that aren't they no wonder they can't wipe their

bums they're big fat fat fats oh please can you wipe my bum I'd wipe your mouth if you dribbled applesauce.

What's the difference between my mouth and my bum? They're both orifices. Yeah, but your bum stinks of shit. How do you know? I've never been anywhere near it. Because you would have just done a shit. So I'd be wiping shit away from your anus. Yeah, but I'd be on nil by mouth,

so it'd probably just be a lot of liquid. You'd be on nil by mouth? Probably, by that point. You'd never be on nil by mouth, yeah. I might be, mate, if I get that help. No, you wouldn't be on nil by mouth. I'd have a drip in my arm and then it'd say, oh, there should be liquid coming out of my yeah. I might be, mate, if I get that ill. No, you wouldn't be on note by mouth. I'll have a drip in my arm and then it's it. Oh, there should be liquid coming out of my bum.

Yeah, no, you'd try and eat the drip. Right, what are we going to have, right? Here's what's going to happen. Right. You're going to be my helper. Right. Okay, now, just because we know we don't want to, we don't want you to have to clean up a bed or anything like that.

No. So we will cut an hole in the mattress. Right. And my bum sticks out. So I'll be laying on my back, my bum is sticking through the hole. No. So we will cut an hole in the mattress. Right. And my bum sticks out. So I'll be laying on my back, my bum will stick out of the hole. Yeah. And then when I'm doing my business, which is just a stream of liquid. Right. Out of my bum, right? Yeah. See if you can make it through this section. I'll be catheterised at the front. Right. Right. But there'll be a stream of liquid out the back. Yeah, a stream of liquid, yeah. Which

you then get underneath the bed. Right. Right, with a bucket. Right. Now, can we not just leave the bucket there? Yeah, you can, I suppose. But then there might be different times where it's angled differently. Right, okay. I won't know. I'll be so out of it.

If we put hard plastic round the hole, then it'll bounce off whatever angle it's going to be. Oh, thanks a lot, mate. Put some hard plastic all round the hole that I've got to live on. Right. No, but you wouldn't feel that bit. Don't worry about my comfort.

I'm just an invalid. No, because it'll be just covering the hole. Or even the bucket could be within the mattress, and then just sprays out in whatever direction. After I've done it, after I've done all that, you take that away, then you will need to... I'll dispose of it, I'll pour it down the toilet. Yeah, but my bum then will have bits of the liquid on it.

A hairdryer, we'll put a hairdryer down there as well. Fine. And then we dry your bottom like that. Yeah, dry it and then chip it off. No, because, no, it'll just dry. No, you've got to clean it, mate. No, no. No, they'll still be germs. Mate, I don't know if you've noticed something about liquid. If you dry it, it evaporates.

It doesn't go hard. Yeah, that's pure liquid. If you wash it... This will have bits of like... Oh, God. This will have bits of gristle and stuff in it. Right, well, I'm not looking after you. Already, you're not even ill and you're being too demanding.

This will have like little bits of chewed up food in it. But you're not having food. No, mate. I'm going to put this request in for you now. Right. When I am in that situation and you're looking after me... Right. Right, at the home that we have.

Right, if you're in a home, then you don't need looking after me. Our home. Right. Listen to what we're saying. Oh, we're living together now, are we? Yeah, our home. We're living together because I'm seeing you out until you're dead. Our home that has been converted with all poles and things so I can get a bath.

Mate, I'm not sharing a flat with you. I'm turning it into a hospice. It's not a flat. What is it? Bungalow. It's like a little bungalow. It looks like a gymnasium a lot of the rooms. Where is it?

What? Where is it? Surrey. So, right, when we are living there, when I've got my drip in, because I will have a drip. All the time. That goes into my mouth. And what's the drip giving you?

For food. Nourishment. Right. You need it to live. Right, what I would like you to do. I don't even know what you? For food. Nourishment. Right. You need it to live. Right, what I would like you to do. I don't even know what you've got.

What have you got? Because I'm on Lill by Mouth, if you would, as my friend, as my friend and confidant, I would like it,

as my companion. Yeah. What's what they say in the North. Yeah. When they're in a relationship with somebody but they

don't want people to know. So they refer to the other person as their companion. Right, okay. I'm trying to think of an example,

but the only example I can think of at the moment doesn't apply to it. Right. It's what I just said trying to think of an example, but the only example I can think of at the moment doesn't apply to it. Right. It's what I just said, because that's Jimmy Savile, who has his companion, is it Bill the Pill? I don't know.

He's a chemist. Oh, right, yeah. He was on the Louis Theroux programme with him. Yeah. Bill the Pill, throw him here. Bill the Pill. And I believe that was his companion. It's my companion.

But of course that doesn't apply to Jimmy Savile, who, as far as I'm aware, is a heterosexual mum. Yeah. So when we are living together, you as my companion, what I'm saying is, can you chew up some meat and put it in my drip? No. No, because I'm not allowed... Because that'll clog the drip up.

I'm not allowed to eat stuff in my mouth because of my illness. And there's a reason for that. I'm not, I'll, I'll liquidise... If you properly chew it up, though. I'm not chewing it up. I'm not a mother bird. Right. Mate, I'm, I'm going to pay someone to look after you.

Can I ask you now, is there anything you will do for me if I'm ill? Pay for someone to look after you? That's not helping, is it? Yes, it is. That's not. You'll get your power of attorney back at that point anyway. I've got a life to live. Oh, right. I've got to get on with my life.

Oh, yes, sorry. I've got to get on with your life. I'm not slopping out your mattress bucket. Oh, yes, sorry, no. Sorry, don't worry about it, mate. Don't worry. I'll wipe my own bum in my mind. Well, that's fine, you know. I'll just think about it. You let me get Chuck Cheeks. The power of imagination is a wonderful thing. You leave me there with chapcheeks

after I have done a runny poo through the hole in my bed and you won't even chew up some meat to put in my drip. Right, well, I just think that's disgusting.

Yeah, well, I think everyone listening to this now thinks it's disgusting that you wouldn't help. Absolutely disgusting. Please feel free to write in

if you're willing to wipe Ray's bottom. Right, that's a good competition in if you're willing to wipe Ray's bottom. Right, that's a good competition. If you are willing to look after me... Until death. While I'm dying and my final few months could be a year, whatever it'll be. Yeah. Please write in and just tell us what you'd be willing to do.

Yeah. Alright, and let's not forget, I am a man with needs. So there might be ladies out there who are thinking, well, I wouldn't mind. Yeah. I wouldn't mind I wouldn't mind giving you a quick think about him now and think how attracted

are you to him now yeah think about how attracted I am now so you think that's nice you think that's nice now imagine him as a sort of vegetable shitting

through a hole in a bed with chewed up steak in a drip so imagine that does that make you more tender imagine me just

laying there all vulnerable for you just like a lump of meat with an erection. It won't be erect. You'll have to limp tug it. To be honest with you, I don't mind if you get one of those stirrups from Starbucks and gaffer tape it round it. Like a splint.

Where all this has come from. Or maybe it's my way of telling you I'm ill. I'm checking my options. Sorry, I was trying to do it. Thanks, Bruce. Just pop my shopping down in the kitchen. Yeah, thanks, Bruce. Cheers, man.

Yeah, see you next Tuesday. Oh, hello, Ed. You just missed Bruce Forsythe, boys. You can't call him a cunt. I didn't. Listen back. I think you'll find you called him a cunt. You did it in one of them clever ways that people do it.

What did I say? You gave him a see you next Tuesday. See you next Tuesday, yeah. Sorry, man. Very clever, yeah. Oh, Brucey. Oh, Brucey. Right, let's see if you think this is arrogant.

Back on your moped. Right, and by the way, this is going to be a Brucey special because our disastrous non-preview in Enfield was supposed to be in the Bruce Forsyth Auditorium. Yeah, the Bruce Forsyth Auditorium. I think if Bruce Forsyth knew how they were running that theatre, he would be livid once he got his head around what we were on about. Right, I'm starting to get pissed off with Brucey. I don't know about anyone else.

I think he's getting away with things now because he's old. Right. He has not stopped banging on about becoming a sir for ages. He was on Alan Carr's Chatty Man, right? Was he? Okay. And all it was was... You're making a rod for your own back. Oh, people say they're really surprised.

It's like, no, they're not, Bruce. Did he not mention Betty in life? Right, and see if you think this is arrogant. And everyone I've spoken to about this seems to think it's alright for someone to say this, but if this was a younger man, I'd go mental about it. Right. Oh, I was at Wimbledon. Right, I won't do the voice. No, do the voice.

Oh, I was at Wimbledon. Right I won't do the voice. No do the voice. I was at Wimbledon and I went to sit down. Right there were about 12,000 people there. And we walked. And we were walking to our seats. And there was someone started clapping. I can't do his voice. I know but I'm enjoying your try. Keep going. Yeah he listens to the story as well. I am listening to the story as well. And someone started clapping and then suddenly everyone was clapping. I thought all the players must have come on. And I turned round,

and they were all clapping me. And if someone said that, just in normal conversation, you go, shut up. You know what I mean? If Bruce Forster had Twitter, you'd unfollow him. You would unfollow him, yeah.

If Bruce Forster had been on Twitter. I mean, probably because he puts the same thing every day. Yeah, bless him. But is that not him being humble though? No, because that's just dropping it in. Because the person I was with was going, no, he's surprised about it. But he wasn't.

No, perhaps not. He wasn't. I remember when they did a tribute to, what was it a tribute to? It was a BBC thing when they, it was like 50 years or 70 years of something or other. Yeah. And Reeves and Mortimer recreated the Morecambe and Wise sketch with Tom Jones.

Okay. Where they were going, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Tom Jones was singing and they kept, in the original one, Morecambe and Wise popped in. Yeah. Doing the yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it wasn't really particularly funny to begin with.

It was just a nice little bit. Just a fun song and dance thing, yeah. But it's revered, I know, it's considered as one of the classic things that most of Morecambe and Wise stuff is. And Reeves and Mortimer did it. Very badly advised to do that, I think. Yeah, of course, yeah. And I remember that they cut to the audience.

Yeah. And I specifically remember Brucey with a face like thunder. Really? Like, absolutely livid. Even though it was being filmed, he was literally just, like, proper eyeing them up. I'd love to find that bit of footage. Again, like, proper like, I'm going to pay someone to have these. Because no one was clapping him when he sat down

no he expects a round of applause whenever he sits down to be honest now at his age when he stands up yeah give him a massive clap

when he stands up well done Brucie because that might be the last one oh I don't like this this age bashing on Bruce Forster no it's not age bashing

because he's not that sort of loopy is he I might have said this before on the podcast if you watch him on Strictly Come Dancing, he does one of his lines and when someone else

is doing something or talking, you look at him and I think he has just died for a bit. Right. And then they send a little shock through him.

Like, he's just looking off like he wants to be at home on the sofa. Well, I don't watch it so I can't really comment on it. With his fit wife! He has got a fit wife,

hasn't he? Say what you like about Bruce Forsythe, but when he gets home he's got a fit wife and he say what you like about Bruce Forsythe but when he gets home he's got some poon waiting there as he ever get in Brucey lad

nice to see you to see you nice nice to see every lad a little bit of you nice to see them nice to see them cuddly toy

nice fanny yeah I will put I will put my Brucey bonus up your cuddly toy in Yeah. Nice fanny. Yeah, I will put my Brucie bonus up your cuddly toy. In a minute, I don't even care. Oh, go on, Brucie, get in there. Get in there, Bruce Forseye.

Congratulations on your knighthood, Sir Bruce. Sir Bruce, well done on your knighthood. Get right in there with your knighthood. Put your knighthood right up her duchess. What is she now? Lady. Ooh, you've got a proper nice lady there at home for your knighthood, Put your knighthood right up her duchess. What is she now? Lady. Ooh, you've got a proper nice lady there at home for your knighthood, haven't you?

Ooh, you'll be a nice knight tonight if you play your cards right and get that penis right in that lady. Strictly cum dancing. Yeah, I'll get a generation game. I'll generate a game on your wife at home.

I mean, she's a lot older than she was now, isn't she? And that's it from us this week here on the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Coming up next is Alex Jones' smooth hour of Motown. So you're now doing the radio thing? Yeah, I'm trying. I'm trying my best. After slagging me off when I started.

I didn't slag you off. I just, if you want to be on the radio, then we've got to try. Coming up next is... But then I thought we decided we didn't want to be on the radio anymore. Well, no, I do. Oh, you're going to do the radio on your own?

No, with you. You're my comedy sidekick. I'm like... Oh, my, you're a sidekick? I do all the... Coming up next, it's the Smooth Hour of Motown. And then you go

wah wah wah wah wah wah no I'm not doing that I'm not doing any of that great you've spat all down your front you're my sidekick no but you're

in the radio world of radio I'm the smooth DJ obviously and you're the I've been a real life DJ yeah and how did that work out

not very well I'm not sacked exactly because you should have been the comedy sidekick. That's because BBC London were a bit behind the times.

Right, okay. If BBC London were still going now they would have me on in an heartbeat I bet. Aren't they going? They are going,

aren't they? No, they're not. They are, I think. I doubt that they're on anymore. Right, right. So if they were on now then they would

have me on it. Right, well. They'd have me back is what I'm saying. Right. Please, BBC London if you're listening, I promise I'll be able to say it this time.

No, but BBC London, this might be a more better proposition. Hello, it's Ed Gamble here. It's the Ed Gamble Hour. Over to the right of me, I've got Funny Ray. Here he is, Funny Ray, doing his trumps, wearing a big baby costume. That's it,

Funny Ray. Oh, God. That's it, Funny Ray. Oh, God. That's it, Funny Ray. Do your funny song. I'm a stupid little fat boy. Yes, you are, Funny Ray. I have got an ugly face. Yes, you do, Ray. I do the biggest thing on this radio show.

Yes, that's true. Please, can I come back on it, BBC London? Coming up next, we've got an interview with Take That. Oh, what? This isn't fair. That's three weeks running, no? Come on, Funny Ray. All right, I'm sorry.

Do a poo in your pants for Mark Owen. There you go, Marky. Oh, look, it looks like a caterpillar. Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by The Tiger Lilies, except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Seidhausen. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a Ready production

hosted by Chortle.co.uk. See you next week.