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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
It's time for the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Ding dong, ding dong.
That bell there is Ed Gamble.
Yes, hello, I'm the bell.
Yeah, and the normal speaking man over here, I'm Ray Peacock.
Hello.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
And before we go any further, let's do our regular section that we always do.
You know what?
Every single week.
Mate.
Proving very popular, so much so that I've pushed it right to the beginning of the podcast.
No, we've got a thing. You can't do that now because...
The very, very beginning.
No, you've got a thing.
It's of course Ray does the ingredients of some food.
You've got to think of new listeners.
Yes.
Some listeners start here. Welcome. No, because we need an intro that's just a bit of funny chat
so people are like okay this is what this is about yeah they can't straight away come in and
here you do ray says the ingredients accessible isn't it no accessible for new listener welcome
very much to it and uh here here is a nice section now this is the sort of thing you can look forward to hearing about when you subscribe on iTunes or get it via the Chortle website.
Or stop listening to it because of this weird section.
No, don't stop listening to it because this is a brilliant bit.
No, but not for the beginning.
They're now going.
I'm not going to listen to this.
There's a real whiny little shit on it.
Yeah, you.
No, you.
You, they mean.
No, Ed Gamble is the whiny shit. You, they mean. DeRay Peacock is the shit of the whiny. Right, no. Ed Gamble on it. Yeah, you. No, you. You, they mean. No, Ed Gamble is the whiny shit.
You, they mean.
DeRay Peacock is the shit of the wine.
Right, no, Ed Gamble is it.
Yeah.
So, here we go.
I've done a whiny shit before when I had three bottles of Beaujolais.
Well, you were poorly as well when you went to Jamie's Food Festival.
Yeah, I was a little off to Jamie's Food Festival.
Which we'll perhaps mention later on.
Yeah, we might do, yeah.
It might be a deleted scene from another podcast.
But, no, you did that really well then, dropping that in.
Oh, right, and now I've given it away.
Yeah.
Oh, sorry about that.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, we will speak about it later on,
even though I think later on,
shall we just pretend it's only just happened,
even though it was weeks ago?
Look, later on there's a deleted scene.
Right.
But now, never mind all that,
because now we've got the great bit.
Ray says the ingredients of some food and puts a rogue one in it, or drink,
and I'll put a rogue ingredient.
So you basically spot the ingredient that shouldn't be there.
That ingredient will be petrol.
Right, here we go.
Because it is every week, it's petrol.
This week, a new food has come out.
Yeah, it's new every week and you always say petrol.
No, but it's a new food, listen.
Hula Hoops Sour Cream and Chai Flavour.
Oh, that sounds nice.
Yeah, new flavour.
No artificial flavours or colours.
No MSG.
No petrol either.
Made with 100% sunflower oil.
And it's good that it's no MSG because I'm allergic to that.
Are you?
Yep, that's why I always sneeze after Chinese.
Yeah.
Right, so here we go with the ingredients.
Chai sneeze you call it, don't you?
Yeah, chai sneeze I always call it.
Here are the ingredients of sour cream and chai flavoured potato rings.
And don't forget there will be a rogue ingredient in there.
Natural.
Ingredients.
Potato.
Potato starch and dried potato.
Sunflower oil, 28%.
Rice flour.
Sour cream and chive flavour.
Natural flavourings.
Contains dried cream, dried whey, milk protein.
Dextrose.
Dried onion. Sugar. Vegetable oil. cream dried whey milk protein dextrose dried onion sugar vegetable oil maltodextrin parsley lactose
dried yeast extract modified starch maize flour salt natural flavorings, potassium chloride,
contains milk,
may contain soya,
gluten,
mustard,
petrol.
So, have a listen back to them if you have to.
Yeah.
Go back over it if you want.
It's the last one.
He really tested everyone's patience.
Welcome to the show.
Petrol.
Don't give it away.
Oh, sorry, mate. We're a touch on the tuckered outside. We're a touch on the tuckered outside.
Yeah, because we have been filming our new series. No, I've explained this to you. It's not our series. We have been filming our new television programme. No, we've not. Well,
we have. Well, it's not our new television programme. It's not our new television programme. No, we've not. Well, we have. Well, it's not our new television programme. It's not our new television programme.
It's not ours.
We have just been in a TV studio...
Yes.
...in London...
Yes.
...filming our brand new...
No, no, now stop.
...television show.
It's not our television show, and it's not brand new.
We were in that a lot.
No, we filmed a bit.
We filmed all of it.
We were guests on a TV show.
We were in all of it.
No, we weren't in all of it.
We were in all of our bits. They did other things before we got there
and after we left. We were in all the studio bits. No, I reckon they'll do other studio
bits. No, they better not. They will, I think, mate. They better say what it is anyway. Anyway,
it's on... Parkinson. No, no, I'm sorry, mate. I told you it was Parkinson. It was
Da Blurb and it's on Challenge TV. What on earth is that? I've never heard of that. Well,
me neither, but did you not notice that there was a lady presenting it?
Yeah, Dolly Bird, wasn't it?
Dolly Bird. So that wasn't Parkinson?
She had all her hair.
Yeah, she did have all her hair, yeah.
Loaded blonde hair, all her own teeth.
Yeah.
She had loads of shit in her face, didn't she?
She had all that...
All that...
All that shit in her face, didn't she?
Yeah, right up the top of it.
Bit of metal in there.
Right up through her nose at the top.
That's all she's doing. She's got a gorgeous pretty face.
Got all that shit in her face, hasn't she?
Get all that shit out of your face, darling.
Tell you what, sweetheart.
Come on, princess.
Tell you what, sweetheart.
Get all that shit out of your face.
You're a gorgeous looking girl.
Can you grab some shit in your face?
Don't need all that shit in your face.
Yep, that was Julia Hardy.
Julia Hardy, yep.
She presented it.
So she's one of our new best mates now.
Yep.
In fact, that's all the people are, aren't they?
Yep.
We're working on it. The cameraman, Duncan. fact, all the people are, aren't they? Yeah. We're working on it.
The cameraman, Duncan.
Duncan, he needed a rest, didn't he?
Yeah, he needed a rest because his camera was too heavy for him.
Yeah.
He was like the drummer from Hanson.
Do you remember the drummer from Hanson?
Hello.
When he was a little boy, they used to have to have breaks in their concerts because he
got too tired.
Oh, bless him.
When he was a little boy.
I don't think it happens now, but Duncan, the cameraman, was a bit like that on The
Blurb, which is on Challenge TV, a computer game programme,
all about computer games.
Yeah, it'll be on in a couple of weeks, won't it?
And also, the other presenter, but she wasn't on in our bits,
called Elephant.
No, her name was Aoife, and I helped you remember it
by saying it's like Aoife Elephant.
Aoife Elephant.
Yeah, like Aoife Elephant.
Yeah, and I will say to her,
nice to meet you, Aoife Elephant.
No, that offends women when you say elephant.
She won't mind.
She was only a tiny little thing anyway, so she wouldn't think I meant she was a efflelent.
You can't say elephant now.
Efflelent.
Efflelent!
I've confused you so much that I've pushed the word elephant out of your head.
She was Scottish.
No, she wasn't.
She was Northern Irish.
Oh, right.
Well, anyway, we have filmed a programme.
Yeah, we have filmed a programme, yeah. And we met all the nice people. We had to talk about we have filmed a programme. Yeah we have filmed a programme yeah.
And we met all the
nice people.
We had to talk about
computer games for a
bit.
Yep.
And we had to
root round in some
mud.
We had to play
computer games.
We don't ruin it.
And also.
That's a spoiler
alert that.
And also got our
dicks out.
Got our dicks out
innit.
Got our dick out.
We've only got one
dick now.
We only have one
dick between us.
We have half each.
It's like that
BME Pain Olympics.
We have cut our
knobs right down the middle. I've discarded the left. Beth's discarded the right. I'll tell you what It's like that BME Pain Olympics. We have cut our knobs right down
the middle.
I've discarded the
left.
He has discarded
the right.
I'll tell you what
I hope we've done
the right sides.
And now we put the
sides of our knobs
together and make
a full one.
Yeah it's like
Double Dragon.
Very good games
reference.
Yeah thank you.
Yeah well done.
You should have
done that one today.
I should have
done mate.
So when's it on?
Do we know?
Couple of weeks
time from today.
Is it two weeks
today?
I think it will be
two weeks today.
So we should tell
you today is Thursday. Yeah so it'll be 4th of August. Well that'll be when it is. So right when's that? I think it will be two weeks today, yeah. So we should tell you today is Thursday.
Yeah, so it'll be
4th of August.
Well, that'll be when it is.
So right when is that?
I think so, yeah.
Well, that'll be nice then.
Yeah.
Challenge TV,
was it like midnight
or something like that?
We said midnight
but then other countries
it is on earlier.
Yeah, that's right.
We're international now.
Yeah, we are
international stars now.
Yes.
Talking about computer games.
Yeah.
Is what I've just done.
Yeah.
And Ed was there as well.
I'm a bit worried that we were very fat on it.
Mate, we were fucking massive on it.
Did you get the feeling, because also that Julia was slim last.
Yeah.
Very slim last.
And did you get the feeling, last night before you went to the studio this morning.
Yeah.
Did you think, I could lose weight.
There's still time.
Mate, I always think that about stuff.
Yeah.
We've both been thinking before Edinburgh
that we could get
really trim before Edinburgh
won't happen
not gonna happen
it's like a week
and a bit away
yeah oh mate
don't say that
it is
I'm shitting myself
let's do some plugs
at the moment
because we don't
really do this very much
and we should do it
more often
we should plug our
Edinburgh show
it's our podcast
we actually recorded
some last week
and then I didn't
put it in the edit
no
so here's what's
coming up this week
today of course
it's Tuesday
because that's the new day that these week. Today, of course, is Tuesday,
because that's the new day that these podcasts come out.
It is.
Podcast Tuesday.
Podcast Tuesday.
It's Tuesday the 26th.
Welcome to the show.
Tonight, this evening, you can see us at Colchester Art Centre.
If you live in Colchester.
Yeah.
Which, of course, is in England.
Yes.
If you can't make it tonight, a bit of a rushed job.
Tomorrow, the 27th, Wednesday, we're at the Pleasance Theatre in London.
Pleasance Theatre, Islington in London.
Yeah, we'll be doing that.
Then, we're not on.
No, that is our last preview before the Edinburgh Festival.
Before we open next week on the 3rd of August.
Yeah.
I've got a weekend in Liverpool, 28th, 29th, 30th.
I am at Nostock Festival.
Nice.
Then I'm in Coventry.
Wow, well you are treading the boards all over the place.
I am, mate.
But then we're off to the Edinburgh Festival.
Yeah, Festival Fringe.
The Edinburgh Festival Fringe.
We start on the 3rd of August and we go right through to the 28th,
performing our show, Emergency Broadcast.
Some tickets still available?
Some, yeah, some.
It's a 70-seater.
We're doing 26 performances.
Yeah, so 26 times 70. We need to sell...
Oh, God, I've just seen that on your calculator.
1,820 tickets.
Right, well, I mean...
Now, also, on top of that, please let's not forget we're also doing the podcast live.
Yeah, we're doing the podcast live, yeah.
Every Sunday. How many does that hold?
Like 80, I think.
80, right, so...
Yeah, between 70 and 80.
So we're going to have to add another 320, aren't we, to that?
So we need to sell 2,140 tickets.
Oh, please come.
At the moment, I imagine we've probably sold about 40.
Yeah, so both shows are at the President's Dome.
Peacock and Gamble Emergency Broadcast
and Peacock and Gamble Podcast Live.
We're about 2,100 tickets short.
Yeah, so if we can chop-chop with all that.
At the moment.
No, we don't actually know how many we've sold.
I'm guessing 40.
Yeah, but don't guess
and do us down.
Could be a thousand,
couldn't it?
It could be, yeah.
Could be a thousand.
We've not checked.
We've not checked,
so get them quick.
Get them quick.
Yes, thanks for that.
And also, the army,
they were up and running again.
They are, they're up and running.
Very, very good work.
We're not going to do
any names this week
because we're recording
too early to when
we brought out
last week's podcast.
Yeah.
But what we will say is
we're very pleased
with your work so far. We are, have a kiss. Do up it. And I'll tell you now that week's podcast. Yeah. But what we will say is we're very pleased with your work so far.
Well, have a kiss.
Do up it.
And I'll tell you now that Jim Sterling.
Yeah.
He won the Jim Sterling Sterling Work Award.
Yeah, last week.
Yeah.
He straight away went on to the Podtoid, which is Destructoid's podcast.
Yeah.
Plugged us some more.
Brilliant.
Had another listen.
So Jim Sterling's screaming ahead here.
Yeah.
So he, yet again, wins the Jim Sterling Award for Sterling Work.
Well, Extra Sterling Award for Sterling Work.
Yeah, yeah.
Solid gold sterling.
Earrings is what he's won.
I mean, your bits, they're really bad.
Bracelet.
Bracelet.
And Jack Rebel.
Yeah, so...
So keep the army going.
That's brilliant.
We appreciate all the help you give us.
We really do.
We're working so hard,
and we do feel like you're our little
back up team
you might feel like
you're doing nothing
some of you are
but for those of you
who are helping
we do genuinely
appreciate it
very very much
and we will proper
give you a nice kiss
either on your
bust ends
or on the end
of your penis
depending on which
one you are
depending on which
one you are
now it's with great regrets this week that we have to call a halt you are.
Now it's with great regret this week that we have to call a halt on proceedings just now.
Well, we have a little section where Ed is going to have to apologise for misguided comments
he made last week in the podcast.
Last week, Ed Gamble, who is sat over there, he made some unfortunate comments about Rotherham.
I didn't.
You said it was a horrible place.
Oh, well, no, I was doing it for being naughty.
Well, the thing is, it's properly upset the people of Rotherham.
No, it's upset one person in Rotherham.
Well, that's, you know, that one person.
And he's not there after time. He lives in a truck.
Well, no, hang on. Well, that's two people. So it's him, Nigel, and also his missus.
I've not heard from his missus.
That's because,
as far as I'm aware,
she's very, very upset.
Well, she's not.
Well, can you please?
She's not.
I've not heard from her on Twitter.
She probably can't use a computer.
Why not?
Because of her Rotherham fists.
Because of her Rotherham fists?
Yeah, which are involved
for fighting your way to Greggs.
I've met her. I met her at a gig. I've met her as well. And she hasn't got Rotherham fists. Yeah, which are evolved for fighting your way to Greg's. I've met her.
I met her at a gig.
I've met her as well.
And she hasn't got Rotherham fists.
Have I met her?
I don't know if you have or not.
I've not.
I mean, heaven for the fan that you actually ever do.
Heaven for fend?
Yeah.
See, she's confused now.
So what's this that you're doing now?
I'm pushing it further to be naughty.
You're making Yorkshire...
You're doing Yorkshire bashing?
No, I'm not.
Tell me some more things about Yorkshire.
I like Yorkshire.
I've got family.
What lived there? Right. And what about Rotherham? Um, no, Rothwell.
No, but what about Rotherham? What about it?
Yeah, do you want to withdraw your comments from last week?
Well, I've never been there, so I don't know about it. It could be anywhere for me.
But you spoke with such authority. What? When I said it was a horrible place?
Just make... No, I didn't. I was laughing.
Just make an apology to the people of Rotherham. Do it officially and properly. Come on.
Right, I'll do it properly.
Can we get some brass band music to put in the background?
Well, possibly.
I'll see what I've got.
I've got the brass stuff.
Perfect.
That'll be perfect.
People of Rotherham,
I'm so sorry to make such horrible comments about where I live. I've never been there.
And if I ever go there in the future, I'll be sure to check out all the places that the
tourist board recommends me. Like I'm sure you've got a
town hall that's lovely and if you go in I'm sure your houses are very clean and
also a local swimming pool for go for swimming for go for swimming come on
you know come on and I'm sorry what I said about the women. No, that's, you're doing Geordie.
I'm sorry what I said about women.
In Rutherham.
I'm sure they're all very nice
and not,
it's Geordie's name.
It's like Chris Ramsey.
Brastoff, Brastoff, Brastoff.
Or Eccles Cake.
Eccles Cake?
Eccles is in Lancashire.
Oh, shit.
Don't worry about it. It's just a bit of fun, isn't it?
That's Geordie!
I can't help it!
Oh, Tetley's tea. Tetley.
Alright, Rotherham.
Okay, Rotherham, I'm very sorry now for messing up Tut Accent.
That's blatantly Bolton.
Oh, that was an usherette. An usherette? Oh, no! That's blatantly Bolton. Oh shit, that was a nusherette. A nusherette?
Oh no! That's not it!
Oh, that was Scouser. What's Rotherham? You do a Rotherham.
No! I've got to apologise. What?
Just do a broad Yorkshire accent. Yorkshire. That was alright.
For what? Sorry. There you go. I can only do one word
at a time and I'm afraid it'll slip. Do one word at a time and where's it all set? Do one word at a time, quick. Sorry, Rotherham, for upsetting you.
If I ever visit in future, I'll make sure to apologise in person.
See you though later.
There you go, that was the apology requested by the Rotherman people
from Ed Campbell this week.
I'm sure you'll agree now, he hasn't inflamed the situation anymore.
He's done a heartfelt and
he's apologised
in what he
perceives to be
your level
well it's slow
wasn't it
it was one word
at a time
so you think
they're slow
no
and we'll be back
with another
apology next week
now we're similar
in that I know you're getting more and more annoyed with people.
Less and less like you want to interact with them.
Yeah.
Yeah, just horrible on the whole, aren't they?
Well, I think I've now selected the people I want to stay friends with and the ones I don't want to be friends with.
Oh, brilliant friends, mate.
No, it's fine. You're definitely one of the three or four.
Well, I tell you, you won't be one of the three or four.
Go on.
Some of these women.
That's true, actually.
No, not women in general.
Oh, right.
I mean, some specific women.
There are women who have been in my life
that I won't talk to now.
Right, well, that's fair enough.
But I don't know if you knew any of these ones.
All right.
I was on the tube train the other day,
the metro for our French listeners.
The tube train?
The tube train, yeah.
Or the subway for the New Yorkers.
Yeah, the underground magic car
for people from the North.
Although they have a Somerset accent for some reason.
Yep, they do, because they've moved up there for work.
Right.
So, sitting on the tube train, there was a man with a pram with a baby in it.
Oh.
Very nice, that's fine.
Oh, is it? Okay.
Yeah, nice little baby.
Yeah.
Baby was being quiet.
Did he look fed up, though?
It did look fed up a bit, yeah. Did the man look fed up? Oh. Yeah, nice little baby. Yeah. Baby was being quiet. Did it look fed up, though? It did look fed up a bit, yeah.
Did the man look fed up? Oh, yeah, he looked tired.
Yeah, and like, I can't believe this.
Yeah. I can't believe what I've done. He stopped at the
stop. He was clearly getting ready to get off
with the pram. Ooh, bit inappropriate.
Yeah, I know. The baby was just sat there wondering what was
going on. Yeah. Take the baby out before you
do that, mister. Yeah. So the doors opened. It was quite
busy on the platform. Right. But, and I
will always say this, you let people get off the train first. Yeah, so the doors opened. It was quite busy on the platform. Right. But, and I will always say this,
you let people get off the train first.
Well, that's the rule, isn't it?
That's the rule.
Now, I will enforce this
to the point of knocking people over.
Exactly the same.
I actually tend to my shoulders.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I don't care how old you are
and you're trying to get on the tube.
What sex?
You wait.
Exactly.
You wait.
And I've regularly just smashed through people,
not stopping to see what happened
because that is unbelievable
people cramming on
and I've seen people
get stuck on tubes
because people won't
move for them
when they're getting on.
Couldn't agree with you more.
Get your head down
and barge through.
Make sure you bruise them
at the very least.
So there was a hen party
getting on.
Horrible women.
It was only the man
with the pram getting off
so they could have
just waited
and then got on.
They pushed past the pram
well excuse me
and pushed the pram out the way with the child in it. Right. And the man
went, what are you doing? And they went, just move it to the other side, just move it to
the other side. And got on, and came and sat down, and they were some of the most objectionable
women I've ever encountered. Okay, they already sound it. Yeah, horrible. One of them started
laughing at another woman's hair on the train, pointing at her hair. What sort of age were
they? Probably early twenties. Okay. And another woman tried to start the train, pointing at her hair. What sort of age were they? Probably early 20s.
Okay.
And another woman tried to start on a woman they didn't know
because she thought she was looking at her foot.
Right.
Now, most sort of people who are aggressive
will flip out at any sort of thing.
Usually wait until you look them in the eyes.
Yeah.
Then they say, what are you looking at?
Yeah.
Why are you looking at me for?
What are you staring at?
Not if you look at their foot.
No.
They go, why are you looking at this foot, you know, what are you looking at my foot
for.
Why am I not invisible to you?
Yeah. What are you looking at my foot for, did my foot say something, you know.
I've got on, I'm a bothered.
Yeah, I'm a bothered.
I'm a bothered about my foot.
But they were, you know, they were giving it all that sort of thing.
Yeah.
And one of them was sat next to me, I think it was the hen, because she had a lot of balloons. And feathers. And feathers. Right, and feathers and of thing. Yeah. And one of them was sat next to me. I think it was the hen because she had a lot of balloons.
And feathers.
And feathers.
Right.
And feathers and a beak.
Yeah.
By the way,
she didn't care about
where the balloons were going.
They were regularly
bouncing off my head
going in my eyes.
So I had a bit of...
Have you seen Michael Douglas
falling down?
Yeah.
And he just goes mental
at pricks, right?
Yeah.
I was a diabetic man.
I carry needles with me.
And that is legal, I can carry needles
with me. And you know what?
Sometimes I don't want to use them for an injection.
You're like a jazzed up smacker.
Now we pulled into
my stop, Waterloo, just in case you're wondering.
I thought I could do this or I can't.
She had four balloons. I would hope you'd got
at least three. No, only one.
Oh, what, man? Because I thought they were going to chase me and do me
in with a stiletto. All right.
So I waited until the doors were open.
But you would have seen it coming because you'd have been staring at the foot.
Yeah.
Then the doors opened.
Bang, quick pop off the balloon.
I used that second of confusion to get off the train and run away.
I like that you're distracting a harem with a bang.
Exactly, and I think that's all they deserve.
How horrible.
Yeah, horrible women.
And did you get any names? Exactly, and I think that's all they deserve. How horrible. Yeah, horrible women.
And did you get any names?
Vagetron, with the one with the curly hair.
I would imagine, though... Grimy tits.
Yeah, grimy.
Grimy tits.
Grimy tits.
Yeah.
I would imagine, though, by the way you've described them,
that the sort of man they would attract would almost certainly be a wife-beater.
Oh yeah, definitely.
I suppose circle of life, isn't it?
It might even itself up.
Because people say, don't they, about domestic violence,
how awful it is, and I completely agree with that.
But no one ever checks to see how nice the women are.
But no one ever checks.
No judge of us ever goes, well, hang on.
What did you say to him?
What have you been
doing other side of
all this though mate
other side of it
people do use prams
as like for barging
people out the way
he wasn't though he
was he was going
well they do do it
oh right was he
yeah he was going
off backwards first
so he wasn't
ramming anyone
maybe he was gonna
then swing it around
like a shot put
yeah and to be honest
the baby was wearing
a little helmet
yeah I think the
best bet in future
Ed yeah just don't go on the tube.
Right, I'll walk.
Yeah, walk it, mate.
And then, hey, bit of good news for that.
Take a bit of weight off.
Cheers, mate.
Take a bit of weight off, get yourself all successful, I'm telling you that.
Too late for me because I'm old as well.
Yeah, you are.
I'm old and fat.
Knackered.
Yeah, no chance for me at all.
Knackered like a big old tyre.
Right, you get yourself,
get a bit away off you from walking
to the tree, right?
Yeah.
You'll be shooing,
you will,
for Show and Tell Series 2.
And then if you do that,
you get a bit famous,
you can get limos everywhere.
I'll come with you,
I'll be a manager.
Yeah.
Or helper or security.
Helper, helper.
I'll be a manager.
I've got one.
Alright,
I could help him now.
You could help him, yeah.
I know you're a manager,
I could be like a management team help him you could help him yeah I know you're a manager right we could be like
a management team
yeah I suppose
Ed Gamble
management team
yeah
you could drive the limo
oh come on
really
yeah
alright
then with an out on
yeah
alright then
I'll do that
you have to buy the out yourself
yeah well
I've already bought one
because I often thought
that I would like to end up
doing this
so I'll be the limo driver
with my out on
alright
I can't get a limo
I can just do my own car.
Is that alright?
Give you a lift?
No.
You're just going to dump me,
aren't you?
I'm not even part
of your entourage.
I'm just saying,
I don't think it would do
any harm for Rufus
to have a day
with his family.
Rather than just
being on everything.
Are you a bit worried he's too busy? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Come on, Rufus. You're alright, mate. Come on, Rufus to have a day with his family rather than just being on everything. Are you a bit worried
he's too busy?
Oh yeah.
Come on Rufus
you're alright mate.
Come on Rufus.
Apparently I sound
like Rufus Hound
sometimes.
No you don't.
Apparently I do.
I don't think you do.
I've never heard you
and thought
oh that's Rufus Hound
coming to my house.
I hope he doesn't
come to my house.
Why?
I just don't want
him around.
Again
go and spend
some of your own
family Rufus.
Don't be coming
around my house
trying to impose
yourself here.
I've already got Ed here and he's already constipated from Jamie Oliver's food feast of all.
Yeah, thanks, Jamie.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Jamie, for your good cooking.
Yeah, filled me right up, Jamie, for ages.
Yeah, filled Ed up to the point where he can't now move.
Was it Jamie Oliver who cooked that?
Probably. He cooked all of it, didn't he?
Did he cook all the food there?
I think, well, that was part of the deal, I thought.
Did he cook that
half a scotch egg
that we had?
Yeah,
possibly.
Well,
it's not that
that's caused you
so many trouble
because I ate that.
Oh,
I was going to have
a right good go
at that scotch egg,
man,
because we got vouchers,
right?
We got two vouchers.
Not sure enough.
Yeah,
for go to any
of the restaurant tents.
So we went there
and we went,
oh,
this looks nice,
homemade scotch egg.
Yeah.
And I went,
I'll have one of those,
please.
Hot scotch egg. Hot scotch egg, yeah. So I gave the voucher. He gave me half a scotch egg in a bowl. I went, oh, this looks nice. I made scotch egg. Yeah. And I went, I'll have one of those, please. Hot scotch egg.
Hot scotch egg, yeah.
So I gave him the voucher.
He gave me half a scotch egg in a bowl.
I went, that is half a scotch egg.
Go get me the other half.
And he wouldn't.
And he wouldn't.
We'd already drawn attention to his stall by shouting along.
Yeah.
So really, he should have definitely given us
a full scotch egg each.
Because they sold out later on.
Did they?
I think so, yeah.
Scotch eggs.
Yeah, they're everywhere sold out and stuff, really.
Just shows, doesn't it,
how many posh,
gullible people there are.
Particularly in that area
of London.
Anyway, I don't know
what happened,
but turns out
the poo didn't want
to come out later on.
I know one thing
that didn't happen.
Yeah, exactly.
You're doing the poo.
Yeah, I kind of feel
like someone should have
just rolled my feet up
from the bottom.
Yeah.
Squeezed it out
like a tube of toothpaste.
Then it would have
come out through your mouth.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I should tell you this, actually.
Please tell me that's not happened,
because I don't really want to put that on the podcast.
I was very worried about...
And you tried to give me some tips.
I've been constipated, like, I think twice in my life.
Yeah.
I've never been constipated before.
It's horrible.
I can't emphasise enough to people
how much I sympathise with you if it happens to you.
Yeah.
Because it's terrible.
It really, really...
Well, what you told me to do was sit on the toilet,
do a big, deep breath in,
breathe out slowly and lean forward at the same time.
But I thought that might be a trick,
that I was going to do that
and then the toilet would be sucked up my bum.
Oh, right, okay.
I was a bit worried that you were playing a nasty trick on me.
No, I was trying to help you, mate.
All right, well, I didn't try it.
Probably would have sorted you out.
But this is what I was really worried about.
I remember, actually, interestingly, on a Jamie Oliver programme a few years ago,
the one where he ran schools and tried to make the meat healthier.
He went to visit a doctor.
Forced them, really, didn't he?
Dressed up as a vegetable.
He did the voice and everything.
And they went to visit
a doctor who said,
we're talking about
bad, healthy,
unhealthy children.
Yeah.
And he said that
he had once seen a child
who was so unhealthy
that they didn't poo, right?
Right.
For ages.
Yeah.
And they didn't poo for so long
that they pooed out their mouth.
Right.
Bullshit.
No, just human shit
but it was out their mouth.
Bollocks,
I don't believe that at all.
No, just shit. That's not true. It is. Mate, a human shit, but it was out of their mouth. Bollocks, I don't believe that at all. No, just shit.
That's not true.
It is.
Mate, a doctor said it.
Nonsense.
A doctor, a working doctor.
Absolutely nonsense.
Not a teledoctor, Dr. DeGinger one, or Hilary Poshman.
Any of the This Morning ones.
Yeah.
I don't believe that.
Well, you're arguing with medical science.
Pooh is the last thing.
What do you mean?
Pooh is the last thing.
Pooh is the last bit of it. Right. Pooh is the last thing. What do you mean? Pooh is the last thing.
Pooh is the last bit of it.
Right.
Pooh is the last bit of digestion, so it's right at the bottom.
It's right at your bum.
Yeah, but what I'm saying is it probably gets down there, right at the bum.
Can't get out because... And then works its way back up your large intestine, small intestine, stomach, esophagus,
female, absolute nonsense.
Mate, I saw it on the news!
And also, poo comes out of your bum by, I think it's peristalsis.
It's certainly to do with the way that the muscles are.
Yeah.
It pushes it out.
You look like you're, sorry, you're miming that and you look like you're playing a clarinet.
Yeah, I know.
Them muscles don't work in the opposite direction.
They wouldn't push it back up.
They do if you need to poo so badly.
Right, that's...
And I'm not saying they went, they had to go over the toilet and open the mouth.
That has discredited all of Jamie Oliver's work.
Has it? Yeah, that's discredited all of it. Well, what's discredited all of Jamie Oliver's work. Has it?
Yeah, that's discredited
all of it.
Well, what's discredited
most of his work
is that I still
haven't done a shit.
Right, well,
I'll tell you something else.
What?
If I had been,
I'm sorry to hear about that,
if I had been at my school,
right,
and it was Thursday,
which was the day
that we had choppies,
which were like
processed turkey and chicken
all mashed together
in breadcrumbs,
which I really liked,
and I would often get seconds
and you had it with a bit of mash and gravy on it and, like, bean things.
Yeah.
If he had come to my school and said,
oh, no, no, you're not having your choppies on a Thursday,
which you always look forward to.
Choppies?
You're not having them.
You're having this.
Straw on a bun.
Then I would be going, Jamie Oliver,
get out of
Burtonwood County
Primary School.
You've no business in here.
You stupid little
one-year-old.
Yeah,
you stupid little
probably not even born yet.
Right,
we have got our own
swimming pool
in the middle of the quadrant.
We can do the fitness
thing afterwards.
Let us have a little bit of fun.
Get away from the tuck shop,
please.
I am having some
salt and vinegar puffs.
And some spangles and some garlic bread.
It was different back then, wasn't it?
It was, but yeah, it was different but the same
because we were all watching Battle of the Planets.
Choppies sound amazing, mate.
Can you get choppies now?
No.
Have you looked?
I would do anything to have one.
If anyone knows where choppies are,
actually, and you know what I would like,
back from my school,
them ribs.
Right.
When they called them ribs,
but there's no bone in them.
Oh, you're getting amazing.
Yeah, but I like them.
We'll have one in Edinburgh.
Right.
If they do them deep fried.
I don't even know what a choppie was.
Was it called a choppie?
That's what the fat lady at Serbny called it.
Right.
You want the choppie?
Good dinner lady.
They called them choppies.
Choppie.
But I doubt that them dinner ladies are still working at that school now. Well. Did the lady. They called them choppies. Choppies. But I doubt
that them
bin ladies
still work at
that school
now.
Well I'd
imagine a lot
of them have
passed away.
I might go
back on a
Thursday and
check.
Imagine if
they're still
doing choppies.
I'd love you
to get dressed
up in a
school uniform
like bursting
out of a
tiny school
uniform and
go four
choppies
please.
You'd just
go certainly
Ian.
I reckon that I'm legendary.
I reckon I still have the record for the most choppies eaten.
Oh, here he comes.
I would often go back like seconds and thirds and that.
Do you know what?
It's a bloody miracle I didn't end up fat.
Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Gamble podcast
was devised and performed
by Ray Peacock
and Ed Gamble.
All music by The Tiger Lilies
except for the last one
which is performed
by Frank Sidewitzen.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast
is a ready production
hosted by
www.tortle.co.uk
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