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Right, it's podcast.
What are we going to talk about?
I don't know really.
We're not planned this, are we?
I've written down fringe.
Okay.
We'll just talk about general things about the fringe.
Talk about general things about the fringe.
Talk about how our previews have gone.
Have a big yawn, that'll be.
Yeah, that'll be not very long, will it?
No.
And my voice has gone as well.
Yeah, I know.
So you better keep a bit quiet this week.
Right.
And we can talk about sort of things from our lives.
Yeah, general chit-chat.
Yeah, just do a podcast basically.
Right.
Time for the whole hour. Yeah, you chit-chat. Yeah, just do a podcast, basically. Right. Time for a half hour.
Yeah, you can be the stupid one sometimes.
Okay.
And I'll be the stupid one other times.
Oh, yeah, it doesn't have to have any consistency, does it?
No, I'll keep it quite fluid, dynamic-wise.
Well, why handcuff yourself to a certain premise?
Exactly.
Right.
Idiotic, isn't it?
It's not.
We're not cannon and ball.
Yeah.
We're certainly not, are we?
No.
Right, pass her that box.
There you go. Right, get her out of the box. Yeah. there she is. Oh, look at her, she's crying again.
Look, you're not going back. You're not going back until we've finished this run of podcasts.
They hated you there anyway. Right, say it. Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Hello and welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast episode... I don't know the number so I'm just saying that and you can cut that out later.
79 mate.
Alright, episode 79.
Oh, cheeky, 79. Like, I'll have a 79 with a lady.
Yeah.
What would a 79 be? I don't even know, Dan.
It's when you're doing all the things you do in a 69, but you've got elbows in the way.
Yeah.
Pretty much a dead school. I'm Ray Peacock. Hello.
Hello, I'm Ed Gamble.
And I'm saving my voice.
Yeah, because we've got our final Edinburgh preview tonight.
Yeah, we're recording this last Wednesday.
Yeah.
Which is our final Edinburgh preview at the Pleasance in London.
So I've basically got to keep as quiet
as possible for this show. Yeah, so unfortunately, everyone,
this one will be me just laughing
and then we're going to leave gaps
where Ray would talk and then you can imagine
what he said. Basically, it's like a
grow your own podcast. Yeah, it's like
Choose Your Own Adventure, just play Ray.
So when you listen to it. Choose Your Own Adventure makes a lot more sense
than grow your own podcast. I liked them both, Yeah. So when you listen to it. Choose Your Own Adventure makes a lot more sense than Grow Your Own Podcast.
I liked them both, mate.
I wasn't trying to usurp you.
All right.
If usurp is even a word.
Someone's doing his word of the day, haven't they?
Yeah.
Somebody I saw in the dictionary, and it's upset his vocal cords.
Yeah.
And my voice has gone because I shouted too much on stage last night.
You shout quite a lot in our show.
Yeah.
At the top of the show. But I did extra shouting last night because we were in Chelmsford. Well, quite a lot in our show. Yeah. At the top of the
show. But I did extra shouting last night because we were in Chelmsford. Well, you might
have been in Chelmsford and you had to shout all the way over to Colchester. Where were
we? Colchester. I think I said Chelmsford on stage last night. No, you didn't. You said
Colchester. I don't think you said Chelmsford. Definitely. I would have picked you up on
that, mate. I thought I had a bit where I went, oh, it's nice to be in Chelmsford.
Yeah, you said that, yeah. Because I thought it was going to be Chelmsford. Alright. And
then I wasn't certain it was Chelmsford. No, it was Colchester.
All right, well, anyway, either way.
Yeah.
It's all Essex, isn't it?
Yeah.
It's all Essex.
I'm not a fan of Essex.
No, you're not.
I've got to say, I'm really not.
I've tried to.
I've tried to be friends with you.
Yeah.
I've tried to meet you halfway.
You never have nice gigs, though.
I've just never...
I mean, can we now stop saying that the Essex girls thing
and everything about Essex blokes is a stereotype?
It's not a
stereotype. Those jokes can't even be offensive.
I think it was a stereotype
20 years ago. Yeah.
A stereotype that they enjoyed and
now everyone has grown
into it. Yeah. And I don't think
programmes like The Only Way is Essex has helped that.
No, but they should be livid about that,
not celebrating it. Yeah, exactly.
That's what I think, anyway.
Well, look, I didn't enjoy being in Chelmsford last night.
You are, and well, neither did I, because we were in Colchester.
Yeah, so basically, I just want to get that out of my system.
Right, okay.
And I'm annoyed it's left me with no voice.
Yeah, I'm sorry, mate.
Tonight, we're at the Pleasant's London, tonight, as we're recording this.
Yeah.
Next week, when this is released, so if you're listening to this on the day it's been released, on Tuesday.
On podcast Tuesday.
Our Edinburgh premiere is tomorrow night.
Yeah, the 3rd.
Wednesday the 3rd of August.
Yeah.
Terrified.
Are you really?
Knees knocking.
I have...
Knobbly knees all knocking on the door.
I have an odd calm about it.
Yeah, see, that's worrying, isn't it?
It's not a good sign, is it?
Yeah.
No, I really do.
It's not a good sign. It might... I mean No, I really do. It's not a good sign.
It might...
I mean, the third might just be me
with you just sat on the floor of the stage.
Crying.
Me just...
No, just staring at the audience.
Yeah.
As they don't laugh.
Yeah.
But with a little slight smile on my face.
Yeah.
Just a slight little smile for an hour.
You say audience,
but I don't know how many people in the army
have bought tickets yet. Mate, I'd be rammed.
The army's been awful, by the way.
Do you know what? I don't even want to discuss that.
Okay, well, let's leave it. Let's just not discuss it today on the show.
Let's just say we've made the wall a lot bigger.
Yeah, the wall's a lot bigger. All of you
get against it.
Every single one of you get against it.
Yeah, and pull your trousers down.
Yeah.
Let's have sex with our entire
army against the wall and then shoot them
in the head welcome to the show you say if they're listening to it on the tuesday but a lot of people
tried to listen to it on tuesday last week didn't they and couldn't get it yeah no it wasn't on
itunes properly yeah in fact our whole podcast wasn't really on iTunes, because you tried to download
it if you subscribed to it, refresh it,
and it said that the podcast URL
wasn't valid. Well, whose fault is this? It's like we
went into iTunes and went, oh, listen to the
Peacock and Gamble podcast, and iTunes went, do what?
Wow, okay, so we didn't exist
as a podcast. No, no one, no, no, we didn't
exist. So is this Steve Bennett from Chortles' fault?
Yes. So should we publicly chastise him?
I don't know anything about science. Neither do I. Or the internet. Same.
But I know it's his fault. Right, I suspect strongly it's the fault of Chortle. Yeah.
Let's give him a dressing down then. Alright then. On the internet. Yeah. I'll give him
a dressing down. Right, pop your polo neck off. Are you thinking of a dressing gown you're
going to give him? Oh yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah. Now dressing down's a different thing. Right,
okay. It's when you just tell him him off I've been getting that wrong for years
Right Steve Bennett
Get against that wall
First of all
Ignore them
Ignore them dead sexed bodies
Ignore those four
Thirteen year old bodies over there
With no trousers and pants on
Right
Right
He gets this wrong all the time
But the thing is right This podcast this podcast goes up wrong more often than it goes up right.
Yeah.
He has got this podcast wrong more times than stars he has given Daniel Kitzer.
Yeah, exactly that.
Yeah.
I think he's doing it on purpose.
I think...
But why do you think he's doing it on purpose?
I think he's doing it on purpose.
I think he deliberately makes it not go on iTunes to make people go and get it from Chortle.
Do you?
Yeah.
Oh, that's a serious accusation.
Yeah, that's my conspiracy theory.
Right.
So would you care to reply on your front page?
Yeah.
Steve Bennett.
I think you're fiddling the numbers.
And the only way...
This is what I think.
I think he does it on purpose.
Yeah.
So we have to get in touch with
him which we do which we do right so he can be in like a business meeting with an advertiser or
something like that and his phone will go go oh excuse me that is um chris rock yeah has just got
in contact with me asking me if i want to go um for a 99 yeah oh i beg your pardon. It is Arlo Anden asking if I want to go for cocktails this evening.
Yeah, it could be that, couldn't it?
Oh, sorry about that, everyone.
It is Joan Rivers asking me if I want to buy tickets for the Rock of Ages musical.
Oh, I beg your pardon, everybody.
Benny Hill's just sent us a text.
Saying do I want to go down Spearmint Rhino tonight?
And chase the women.
Yeah, chase them all around.
Yeah.
I've no idea what happens.
I mean, it's not...
I think he's just got a lot of work on his wallet.
Yeah, no, I think that's what it is.
And I think he just...
But I think to apologise,
he should put a little...
It could be a little picture,
like the size of a postage stamp
on the front of his website
of him praying, like, hands together like that
with his eyes closed
and at the bottom
it just says please
forgive me.
Yeah please forgive
me.
In fact do you know
what Steve I think
you should have that
on Chortle anyway.
Particularly during
the next month.
Yeah.
At the Edinburgh
Fringe.
Hey what happens if
we get a bad review
on Chortle?
That'd be awkward.
Yeah it would be.
Oh mate right I'm
not I know that it's
got to be professional
on that.
And I know that
they've got to go after it. Unfortunately mate he's got to be professional on that. Yeah. And I know that... Yeah, he's got to...
Unfortunately, mate,
he's got to look at it as a show.
Yeah.
But I'm not messing, right?
If we get a bad review of Chort,
I'm going to kick his fucking head in.
Right?
I know that he's got to be professional.
I get all that.
I get all that, right?
But I will punch his fucking lights out, right?
Yeah, you know what I will do, mate?
What?
When you do that, I will be there
and I will not panic. I will not call anyone, I will be there and I will not panic.
I will not call anyone.
I will stand there
and I will just smile.
Yeah.
Maybe do a wee on him.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
You know what?
I think we should,
if it gives us a bad review, right?
Yeah.
We get dressed up
like the boys
off Clockwork Orange, right?
Actually, do you know what?
This goes for anyone
giving us a bad review.
Yeah, yeah.
Not just Chorl.
And women.
We're not sexist.
Yeah, including women.
Get dressed up
as the boys
from Clockwork
Orange
right
take Steve
Bent out
get him
drunk
right
put him
in the
underpass
near the
Pleasant
Stone
right
and we
do it
like
beginning
of Clockwork
Orange
we get
changed
and we
walk in
and we
go
singing
right
and just
kick the
shit out
of him
like the
trumpet
and start
off
Clockwork
Orange
let's do
that
let's make
sure it
is him
and not
just an
Edinburgh
tramp
because I
wouldn't want to kick a tramp
because our show's been called Childish.
Yeah.
Right, and I think...
But it is going to be called that.
That is a good rule for life.
Hopefully they call it that in a good way,
not a bad way.
What other things would you do
to somebody who gives you a bad review?
I would...
I might, like, take some of their family away.
I might swap their shoes around in the corridor
so they put the wrong shoes on.
I might do, right?
If we are doing the show
and we know there's a reviewer in
and we suspect that the reviewer isn't enjoying it,
sometimes you get a reviewer and you're like,
oh, this is going to be awful.
And sometimes it's fine.
But other times you're like,
oh yeah, I was right. I was right.
Got a feeling, right?
What I would do, you'd be on the stage,
and you start doing a dance on the stage.
Right.
And I would creep around the back of the theatre,
and I would put itching powder in there,
roll down the back of the shirt, and fart spray.
Yeah, that was fun.
Fart spray.
I would do fart spray on your hair.
I would find out where they live and burn it down when they're sleeping.
Yeah.
And then turn their toothbrush upside down.
I would go around the reviewers' house, right, and I would do when they're sleeping. Yeah. And then turn their toothbrush upside down. I will go round the reviewer's house, right?
And I will do a poo in some toilet paper.
Good boy.
And I'll put the poo in the toilet paper on the doorstep.
Yeah.
And set a fire to it, right?
Yeah.
And I will ring the doorbell.
And then when they open the door, right?
And they see the fire, I'll throw a dead dog at them.
Right.
This is what I will do if we get a bad review.
Yeah. I will stay in get a bad review. Yeah.
I will stay in my room all day.
Yeah, and like sulk about it.
And really sulk.
And then the show will be a bit off that night.
Yeah.
Because I'll be really annoyed.
And we won't be able to stop mentioning it on stage.
And it will annoy people.
Yeah, I think if we get a bad review,
I will just like lose my sense of humour about it.
Yeah.
lose my sense of humour about it.
Yeah.
Quick public notice for people who use our website,
peacockandgamble.com. Yep.
Could you not send us private messages that could just be things on the forum? Yeah. Because it's really,
really clogging up my inbox. Whack them
on the forum. And we can't reply to them.
Do you have any examples of things that people have sent?
People just send things, like joke things.
Yeah. Which is fine. Yeah. Or say, I've done this for publicity, can I be in the army? People just send things like joke things. Yeah. Which is fine.
Yeah.
Or say, I've done this for publicity, can I be in the army?
Yeah.
And it's something stupid.
Yeah.
And it's like, well, why are you just telling me on my own?
You want to tell everyone that you're doing jobs for us.
Yeah, put that on the forum, under the army section.
Yeah.
It's just that we get loads of them and I can't reply from my own email.
Yeah.
I then have to go and log into a different email.
Yeah.
To reply and even, and then cut them.
But it's a really annoying job yeah and it's also that's contacts us is kind of for
professional things yeah you know if people wanted to book us for gigs and stuff not for
hello how are you yeah the answer is fine by the way yeah fine almost always fine if you're ever
thinking i wonder how they are yeah fine fine or asleep and neither which of which requires an
email yeah it's not we don't want to be in touch the thing is though as well i mean you can't say hell they are. Yeah. Fine. Fine or asleep. Neither of which requires an email.
Yeah.
It's not we don't want to be in touch with you.
The thing is, though, as well, I mean, you can't say this, but I can say this.
Yeah.
I reply to them on the forum.
Yeah.
So when people ask me things on the forum, I reply anyway.
You will reply.
So unless you ask me something like, unless you're going, hey, here's a picture of my
boobs.
Send that private.
No, don't.
By all means.
Don't send that.
Send it to me if you want, private.
That's fine.
No, he won't like it.
I will like it if you
send me a picture of you.
It drives him mental.
It does drive him mental.
Yeah, but don't send
them if they're a bit
horrible and don't get
arrogant about it.
If you rate yourself an
eight and realistically
you think you are an
eight, then send them.
Yeah, if you are eight
and above and that's a
realistic rating.
And it's not just
positive thinking.
If you just know in
yourself that you are an eight and above. In fact, send them to me first. Send all of them to realistic rating. It's not just positive thinking. If you just know in yourself
that you are an
eight and above.
In fact, send them
to me first.
Send all of them
to me.
I'll then sort the
wheat from the chaff.
Well, they can't
send them to you,
can they not?
I'll give out my
phone number.
Your personal email
and then you can
text me the pictures.
Good idea.
Speaking of boobs,
by the way.
Only on this podcast.
Ted,
I don't know if
it's Tina, right? It's Ted on Twitter. Ted09, yeah. Is that what it is? Brought us loads of boobs, by the way. Oh. Only on this podcast. Ted. Her name's Tina, right?
Yeah.
Ted on Twitter.
Ted09, yeah.
Is that what it is, yeah?
Brought us loads of boobs.
Box of them.
A box of boobs to Leicester for our baby in Leicester.
She made us some boob peri cakes.
Yeah.
Which, do you know what?
I know.
I know you've put stuff in them.
I know that and I still let them.
Yeah, I mean, they were very light, but I think she did put ingredients in them, mate.
No, I think she put proper milk in them. Proper milk?
Yeah, you know what I mean. Dirty.
So you're saying that she... Dirty stuff. I think there was
dirty stuff in them. So you're saying that she
couldn't produce milk at any given
moment? Possibly. Which some ladies can
do, can't they? Can they? Some ladies just lactate
generally, don't they? Oh, stupid idiots.
Yeah. They were nice.
Apart from the fact that when you bit into them,
you'd put jam under the icing, so it looked like they were bleeding. But I loved that when you bit into them you'd put jam under the icing
so it looked like
they were bleeding
but I loved that
I loved the jam
I taste them
I love
after a while
I started forgetting
that they even were boobs
that and that
is the biggest compliment
you could ever receive
for your cooking Ted
that you made him
something in the shape
of boobs
and the cake
was of such a high quality
that he ignored
the fact they were
in the shape of breasts
he started enjoying
them as cakes
on their own terms.
Yeah.
So well done.
I'll show us your boobs.
Yeah.
Do we have an army
update this week?
No, they were shit,
weren't they?
They've not been great,
have they not?
I mean, recently
as well,
someone this morning,
just this morning,
put on Twitter
you should go and see
Peacock and Gamble.
That's nice.
Which is good,
which people should do,
just get it out there
on Twitter. Yeah. And then immediately said what rank do I get and Gamble. That's nice. Which is good, which people should do, just get it out there on Twitter.
Yeah.
And then immediately said,
what rank do I get for that?
Oh really?
Yeah.
Nothing.
Nothing,
because you've got 60 followers.
Yeah.
Well it's not that,
60 followers is fine,
and I'm not judging you on that.
It's more,
you don't get a rank for just...
No,
but thank you for doing it.
Yeah,
thanks for doing it,
but that should,
I mean,
that should be something
you just do.
If you can prove,
if you can send us through
that from that tweet
at least five people
have bought tickets
for our Edinburgh show
and you can prove it,
then you can have a rank.
Yeah, right.
So your rank is,
whoever you are,
I don't know who you are.
Rowan Searle.
Rowan Searle, right.
Say what, Rowan Searle?
Yeah.
If you can prove
that five people
have bought tickets
for our Edinburgh show
as a result of your promotion,
then you can have the rank of bloody great fella right near the top of the army.
Right, I should keep doing the ranks.
All right, well, you do a rank then.
All right, then.
Star Child.
Of the universe.
Well, that's a good one.
Well done.
Star Child of the universe.
Earrings.
Yeah, so you can have that.
You're potentially that, but you're not that now.
No. universe earrings yeah so you can have that as you're potentially that but you're not that now
no if you put on any of your documents or any of your literature that you are that star child of
the universe earrings if you go around saying that i will sue you i will take you to court
and you'll be in massive trouble yeah and i will as well and i will as well so you'll be double
sued double court you'll be what they call spit sued. Yeah, and it will be on the same day, so you'll need to get a cab.
You'll need to pay a cab to take you in between the courts all day.
Yeah.
So not only will you be sued for all your money,
then you'll have to spend a lot of money on a cab.
But anyway, I'm sick of speaking to you,
because it's time to do our regular section that we always do,
which is raid the ingredient of the food.
And it's all out, and then you've got to spot the rogue ingredient.
Ed said I couldn't do it.
Petrol is petrol.
No, it's not.
This week it's Galaxy Counters, so you're wrong straight away.
Rogue ingredient will be petrol.
Galaxy Counters.
Right, here's some...
I think Galaxy Counters make themselves sound like they're a health product.
Yeah, they are.
No, they're not.
They're chocolate.
Hang on a minute.
Here's the nutritional information. A portion, 35 gram standard bag, contains 185 Kcals,
20.6 grams of sugar,
10.2 grams of fat,
6.0 grams of saturates,
0.10 grams of salt.
Right.
Which are, in terms of what I said then,
the calories are 9%
as of your recommended guidance.
That's for a small bag.
Your guideline daily amount.
Your sugar is 23%,
your fat 15%,
saturates 30%, and your salt 2%. But rather than making the section just a list of stuff, small bag. Your guideline daily amount. Your sugar is 23%, your fat 15%, saturated is 30%
and your salt 2%.
But rather than making
the section just a list
of stuff,
let's now go through
the ingredients
of Galaxy Counters
and I'll put a rogue
ingredient in there.
And you'll say petrol
at some point.
I'll say petrol
at some point
and then when you spot
the rogue ingredient,
enter it to competition
and you will win
an honorary rank.
Oh.
If you get it.
So there's a prize this week.
Smooth, creamy milk chocolate pieces.
Ingredients.
Sugar.
Petrol.
Cocoa ingredients.
Cocoa butter.
Cocoa mass.
Skimmed milk.
Lactose.
Vegetable fat.
Whey powder.
Milk fat.
Emulsifier.
Brackets.
Soylacithin. Dextrin. Glazing agent. Brackets. Pectin. Milk fat. Immulsifier brackets soya lecithin. Dextrin. Glazing agent brackets
pectin. Petrol. Starch. Natural vanilla extract. Petrol. Vegetable oil. Petrol. Petrol. Natural
flavour. Traces wheat. Petrol barley. Milk chocolate contains milk solids 14% minimum and cocoa solids 25% minimum petrol.
Trademark designs copyright Mars.
Best before sea base.
Milk chocolate contains vegetable fats in addition to cocoa butter.
Free post Mars Consumer Care 0845 045 0042.
www.mars.co.uk.
www.betreatwise.org.uk.
For Ireland, Mars Ireland, Box 3856, Dublin 4.
1890 812 315, petrol.
See, but you said there's not one rogue ingredient in there, is there?
You said petrol a lot.
But which one was it? Which one was the rogue ingredient?
All of them, because there's no petrol in that whatsoever.
But which one was the rogue ingredient?
Petrol. All those petrols. Rubbish.
We are heading up to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, as you all know,
because we've been banging on about it for ages.
Big laughs, the times.
Yep, so that's one of the quotes that we're hoping to get.
Now, we are doing two shows.
The main show that we're doing is the Peacock and Gamble Emergency Broadcast,
which is on at the Pleasance Dome every night from the 3rd to the 28th of August
at 10.50pm, that's 10 to 11 at night time, so if you can stay up that late
please come down and see us there.
Very, very, very funny from the Scotsman.
Yeah, we're really rooting for that one.
And also we'll be doing
this podcast, what we do here
live, but we won't be saying
this sort of thing. We'll be doing a lot of mucking about.
That's every Sunday we'll be recording that.
That's also at the Pleasance Dome at
8.20pm. So if you want to get tickets
the best place to get tickets online
if you're that sort of internet demon
as you are, you should be if you're listening to the podcast
is from edinburghsbestcomedy.com
or if you want to go to the official Fringe website
which is edfringe.com
if you're more of a phonio
you can call the Pleasant's Dome
which is where both the shows are on
ask for Julie on the box office can. Ask for Julie on the box office.
Say, can I speak to Julie at the box office?
And if Julie's not there, say, okay, can you put me through to somewhere you can do tickets?
Right, you don't need to do any of that.
You just call it and whoever picks up with you will be able to put tickets for Peacock and Gamble emergency broadcast
or Peacock and Gamble podcast live.
State the show you want to see.
State the show and the date you want to see it on.
And the number for the Pleasant Stone is 0131 556 6550.
If you want to dial that in now,
I'll read that out again.
0131, get that in there.
Yep.
556.
You got that typed in?
Yep.
6550.
Right, now wait for it to ring.
Is it ringing?
Right.
When the answer say you want tickets for Peacock and Gamble Emotion Broadcast, Peacock and Gamble Podcast,
any day between the 3rd and 28th of August.
Yeah.
Just say it.
Have your credit card ready now.
Podcast on Sundays.
So this be the last podcast we're recording.
This be?
Yeah, this be the last podcast we're recording.
You're slipping in a bit of pirate vernacular there.
In my house, isn't it?
This be the last podcast we be recording on your ship.
Not ever.
From now on.
Possibly ever.
Well, from now onwards, from next week onwards, for four weeks, there'll be live podcasts.
Live from the Edinburgh Fringe.
They weren't going out live.
Live.
We were going to do that.
Yeah, couldn't.
Couldn't.
No, for legal reasons, really.
Couldn't do it at all.
No, we could do it. Couldn to do that. Yeah, couldn't. Couldn't. No, for legal reasons, really. Couldn't do it at all. No, we could do it.
Couldn't do it.
How do you get the sound all the way down the wire into everyone's headphones?
We need to do a podcast per headphones.
No, well, what we decided was, we decided that the show's going to be an hour.
Yeah.
Well, we thought, well, that's not fair on people that come and actually see it.
Yeah.
If that hour just goes straight out.
Yeah.
That's not fair.
If they pay to see it.
They need to come and hear all all of it don't they and then and then they get a little sort of not even the
highlights package put out well it won't it won't even be a highlights package will it it'll be just
a bit of just a chunk of it cut out of it yeah i'll be too tired and then after that probably
quite a long break yeah so you've got four more well not a break because we're on tour mate
oh not not for us yeah i mean a break from doing the podcast.
Yeah.
So there won't be any more podcasts, I think, until December.
We're doing another live one in December.
We've got a big live one, which, knowing us, will probably be the last ever one.
Knowing the way we get about these things.
Yeah.
So now how do you feel?
Now how do you feel about not supporting the army?
Big live ones in Edinburgh.
We want to see as many of you there as possible, please.
Yeah, and we're also aware it's difficult to get up there for some people.
Particularly invalids.
Or just the very lazy.
Now, I'm not saying...
Oh, God.
What?
That's gone wrong.
Well, some of them are very lazy, aren't they?
Yeah, but no, some people are, but I wasn't saying that invalids are.
No, invalids aren't very lazy.
Although, there's a bit of grey area, isn't there, with ME?
Like, which way is it?
ME, the only disease you can still laugh at.
Yeah.
Circa 2011, if you're listening to this in the future.
Speaking of what things you can still laugh at,
you keep having a go at me
for doing brilliant improvisation
in our emergency broadcast show. I do, it's not brilliant improvisation. And you keep telling me off for it. I'm not
even willing to have a laugh at a joke about this. I know, and that's what's making me
do it more, I think. Well, you were alright last night. I know I was alright last night
because last night was Harlow, wasn't it? No, it wasn't Harlow. Where was it? Colchester.
Right, Colchester. I nearly forgot then. Yeah. You've done a Derren Brown on me. Colchester,
which I didn't want them to have the fun
of my improvisation at that gig.
Basically, there's a bit in the show where I need to say,
oh, maybe he's a gay gentleman.
And that's all it needs, right?
But Ray has decided that he will chip in now with his own lines
where he goes, yes, maybe he is a gay.
Right, but you've just said a gay.
You've said it.
Yeah, I'm telling people what you say.
No, but you say it.
When you say it, you say, maybe he's agay gentleman.
Agay gentleman.
Yeah, but you say agay, isn't that?
Yeah, but I don't know.
I'm just saying the same words you've said.
No, agay is a derogatory term.
Why?
Because it's dismissive and it's quite aggressive.
It's not dismissive.
Oh, agay.
You are agay.
Yeah, he might be agay.
Even labelling someone as agay gentleman.
You shouldn't be putting labels on anyone just in the street.
Yeah, but you do it.
What, a gay gentleman?
Yeah, you're always going to put labels on people's backs saying they're gay gentlemen.
Sometimes ladies.
No, you say maybe he's a gay gentleman.
Yeah, no, I just think the way you say it, you shouldn't do it.
Plus, that's not even the bit that's under...
That's just you being over-
The other night, you said,
maybe he is a massive bender.
And I'm not even joking about this.
I know usually Fun Fun Ed will pretend to get angry,
but I'm not joking about this.
It ruins that bit of the show.
But I was saying that for that reason.
Because you turned me off.
But why are you saying things to annoy me?
Because you turned me off at the same time. saying things to annoy me because you turned me off
at the expense of the show
there are people sat there
they were laughing at Massive Bender
they wouldn't
they were not laughing
they were well laughing at it
they weren't mate
it makes everyone feel awkward
no it doesn't
next time you do that
you'll see what happens
what will happen
what will happen
I know I just won't join in
yeah what will happen
the next time you do it
will you put a frock on
and give us a kiss
is that what you're going to do
no
see that's how you love
all the gays so much.
All the gays?
Yeah.
I can't help it.
You can.
I literally can't help it.
You can help it.
I'm being deliberately naughty.
Yeah, so you're being
deliberately naughty
so you can help it.
But I can't not do it.
Yes, you can.
The other night...
That's a stupid excuse.
The other night...
I'm a naughty person.
I can't help doing it.
That is true, though.
It is absolutely not true. You've got self-control. The other night... I'm a naughty person. I can't help doing it. That is true, though. It is absolutely not true.
You've got self-control.
The other night, on stage,
right before I said massive bender, right?
Yeah.
Right before I said that,
I looked you straight in the eye.
Yeah.
We had a proper eye-to-eye moment
and I could see that you were cross
that I'd said a gay.
And I thought,
I'm gonna go even worse now
because he is telling me off with his eyes.
It was not helpful.
It's just awkward in that bit of the show
and people don't go with it.
I actually don't want to talk about this because
it shouldn't be a thing.
You shouldn't be doing it because you should be trying
to make the show as good as possible and that's actually
ruining the show. Oh, I do. It's not ruining
the show. That bit is. It's really awkward.
It's not awkward. We should be taking out everything
that creates an awkward atmosphere and doesn't
get a laugh. It has. It hasn't.
I'll try a few more times then.
No, I'm not joking about this anymore.
How about this?
I will stop saying it.
Can I say I'm gay?
No.
Right, what can I say in that bit?
Nothing.
I will say, maybe he's a gay gentleman
and then I will move on to the actual joke
that we're trying to get to.
So you've taken my lines out.
The problem is, we've got the jokes, right?
We need to get to those jokes.
You seem to insist on getting on the path to the joke
and then going, I'm going to set up a little campfire here
and have a chat with my mate Ed.
Yeah.
I enjoy doing that.
No.
I don't know why you're throwing it back in my face.
Get on your fucking bike and cycle to the joke.
Hi, Jimmy Carr.
Right, well, listen, here's the deal.
Here's what I will agree to this, right?
This is what they call cooperation.
Right, I immediately know that I'm not going to be happy with this.
Listen, right?
I am going to meet you halfway on this.
Right.
I've listened to your argument.
How can you meet me halfway?
Just say bender and not matter.
I understand it a bit, what you're saying.
Right.
I get it a bit.
You get it completely.
Yeah, I understand a bit of it.
What I'm saying is, for my fun, for my well-being,
and by the way, I am diagnosed with depression.
If you keep going on at me like this,
and having a go at me for speaking just words,
you're going to bring my Stephen Fry depression back.
I'm not.
No, you are.
Do not.
So in order to stop that, in order to stop you from...
Do not threaten me with a depression source.
Well, listen.
We're going to be living together.
If my Stephen Fry depression comes back in John Edinburgh,
I can't say for definite that you won't just come back one night and find me, right?
We don't know that that won't definitely happen.
Right.
Especially if we've had a bad review, right?
And why do you think one of the reasons we'll have a bad review?
Bear that in mind as well, reviewers.
What, has the Scots Gay come and see us?
That's something else. One star from
the Scots gay. That's something else
for reviewers to bear in mind. Not only am I liable
to twat you if it goes bad with you,
I might commit suicide. Right. And you will
have blood on your hands. Right.
As we'll add. Right, so, here's what
I will agree to. No, already no.
I can say, a gay. Nope.
No, listen, for ten performances.
Absolutely not! Ten performances that I choose. No. On top of that, how many performances are we doing? 26. No. No, listen. For ten performances. Absolutely not.
Ten performances that I choose.
No.
On top of that, how many performances have you done?
26?
Yeah.
Right, for another three of them, I'm allowed to say, maybe he's a big massive bender, right?
Now, that is half and half.
We're doing them half your way, we're doing them half my way.
Because your argument has always been that no one has ever laughed when I have said a gay or big massive bender, right?
Yeah.
Now, I agree with with that but there are also
other bits in the show
that people haven't laughed at
on some days
so I've not done it enough
to check
whether or not
it's funny.
You've done it every day
for ages.
Not big massive bender
I've not.
No.
Big massive bender
has had one time.
A gay does not get a laugh.
Yeah.
Big massive bender
is certainly not going
to get a laugh.
Not true.
Maybe the joke
isn't ridiculous enough.
Maybe the joke
isn't ridiculous enough.
Maybe that's what it is. It's a problem. You self-sabotage, you know. It'd
be a better show if you weren't going a big massive bender, a gay all the time, right?
Right, right, right. Something in your head, you won't let the show go well. There's something
there because you're afraid that people are going to like it and like you. So if you don't
do that and we have a good show, right? Yeah. People say, I really enjoyed that. And you'll
go, oh fuck, I'm panicking now. People are appreciating it.
Right.
So, what you're doing
is you're slipping in bits
to make people hate it.
Yeah.
Why can you say that?
Because I'm doing
proper psychoanalysis.
Yeah, but why are you allowed
to go, oh, you can slip in a bit?
Yeah, well, I'm not.
I'm just not.
You're not doing it.
All right, well, all right.
I'm not doing the show.
All right, fine.
All right, fine.
Right, I'm not doing the show then.
Right.
Right, well, I'll have a nice time
in Edinburgh
at the Gamble emergency broadcast.
Right.
Don't worry, it's quite a serious play. You'll enjoy it up there. Yeah. It's on in the middle of. Right. Right, well, I'll have a nice time in Edinburgh. I had to gamble an emergency broadcast. Right. Don't worry, it's quite a serious play.
You'll enjoy it up there.
Yeah.
It's on in the middle of the night.
Yeah, anyone's welcome.
Anyone can come it without fear of being,
of having derogatory terms about their choice of lifestyle chatted about.
Oh, it's a choice.
Oh, that's right, homosexuals.
You have made a choice.
It's not just in your brain.
Ed is saying it's a choice.
You have made a choice to be a homo.
That is what Ed is saying.
You're not just born an homo. You've made a choice to be a homo. That is what Ed is saying. You're not just born an homo.
You've made a choice
to be it, apparently,
according to Ed.
I don't agree with that.
I think you are born
a big bender.
But Ed has decided
that you haven't made
a choice for doing it.
Absolutely not.
Oh, I think I will
put a willy in my mouth.
That's what Ed is thinking
you're thinking.
Rather than,
as we all know,
you're thinking,
I need to.
I need a willy
in my mouth now.
Turn this off now.
All right, bye.
Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble.
All music by the Tiger Lilies, except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidewater.
Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk
See you next week