The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 9

Episode Date: March 24, 2019

"Episode 9" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 9 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. It's time for the Peacock and Gamble podcast. That new jingle. Yeah, I admitted it all myself. I like it. I admitted it all up. Well done. I can sing our names as well.

My name is Ray Peacock and this is a Gamble. Hello. It's time for the Peacock and Gam is a gamble. Hello. It's time for the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Podcast. I thought you ruined it by doing that. I thought it was a nice addition.

No, no, you bring in stuff in it. Oh. If you want to do a jingle write your own one but don't just add on the end of my one. Alright, I'll do my jingle then. Go on then. Welcome to

the Peacock and Gamble podcast. That's my one you've proven yet. No, I changed it at the end. It's a different pitch. What are you talking about? You're only even toying with me because I've got a clammy head I know you do have a clammy head

anyway that was my jingle to open the Peacock and Gamble podcast it's boiling in here I've got a clammy head and I think it might be

because I've got a lot of air and all you do have a lot of air I've had mine cut and that's all yeah you look like Private Pyle from Full Metal Jacket

oh shut up what is your major malfunction Private Pyle I'm too fat to get over the wall is that what he says? I think so. Did your mummy

do something bad with you when you're like a baby private pile? Oh, I'm not putting up with this. I'm going to kill myself in the toilet

halfway through. Well, don't do it until you're over the tummy with some soap in a pillowcase. There you go. That's for all the people who love the same

full metal jacket. That is a compacted sort of version of full metal jacket for you. I think we should do more of that, actually. Yeah, we should sum up films, shouldn't we? I think we should have a regular section every week for all the people that want to see Full Metal Jacket that is a compacted sort of version of Full Metal Jacket for you I think we should do more of that actually yeah we should

we should sum up I think we should have a regular section every week where we act out a film but it's got to be in under three minutes yeah okay

we've got to do the whole film yeah I think that's a really good idea yeah so do that if you can't today because we're just four of it

we've just done it today yeah just done Full Metal Jacket there's a bit at the end where they shoot some gooks and that's that is what they call them that is what they call them that is what they call them

not me I'm not saying that I don't know what they were called Vietnamese Vietnamese I meant that so that's what I'm saying they do that in it don't say that anymore though

alright I won't say gooks ever again on the podcast I didn't even I'm only doing it because that's how I learned it well I watched it when I was quite young right so that is why

you learn to call people because I know the bloke who did the theme tune off it do you Full Metal Jacket was it you no it wasn't tune off it. Did you? Full Metal Jacket. Was it you? No, it wasn't me, no. Because it does go

Welcome to Full Metal Jacket. Oh, beg your pardon, Mr Burpee. Bow to the Queen. Excuse me for doing that. No, I did. It was Nigel Gilding. Who? Yeah, friend of the family's.

He did I Wanna Be Your Drill Instructor. I wanna be your drill instructor. I wanna cut off all of my hair with a dance beat behind it. I wanna be your drill instructor I wanna be your drill instructor I wanna cut off all of my hair With a dance beat behind it I wanna be your drill instructor I wanna cut off all of my hair I wanna be your drill instructor

Etc I like it Yeah he made it as a record It wasn't even in the film Whoa It was just used to promote the film Cool Yeah so he did that

I know him And he had a brother called Greenwood Goulding I think his name, and he was in a band called The Weather Prophets. Right. With the famous song, I Almost Prayed. No one will have heard of it, apart from the Trendy Kids, and if the Trendy Kids heard that, you'll know who I'm talking about. So, welcome to the podcast, Trendy Kids. Tell you what, if I was just tuning into this podcast for the first time and I heard that intro, I'd have turned it off.

Yeah. I wouldn't have stayed involved with that. No, it got me. I hate when people go all cliquey about music. It got a bit weird, didn't it? Yeah, it really did. I don't know what was happening with that. I mean, it wasn't even a clique.

It was just you. Yeah, it was literally a reference that only I would get. Yeah. And the members of the Weather Prophets. And I don't think they listen. And their immediate family. I bet they do, you know. Do you think?

Yeah, I reckon so. Right in. Right in. Hey, right in. If you do, Weather Prophets, Greenwood G't think they listen. And they're an immediate family. I bet they do, you know. Do you think? Yeah, I reckon so. Right in. Right in. Right in. If you do Wealth Prophets, Greenwood Gilding and Do You

Over Free. Anyway, we're getting bogged down in clique again. We are getting all cliqued up with the Wealth

Prophets again. We could make them into a cult band because they were never a massive band really. They didn't do

particularly well. They had a couple of albums out and I think they'd done a best of which you can get on iTunes and that.

But they were never a massive band so maybe we could make them a massive band just by keep talking about them. Why?

Because I'm not doing it. It'll kill half an hour. So maybe we could make them a massive band just by keep talking about them. Why? Because I'm not doing it. It'll kill half an hour. I think we should do more positive things. I've been thinking this for a long time now. I think we should promote people and I think we should maybe raise awareness about the environment on the podcast.

I think, you know, stuff like that. Maybe we should speak out against, you know, about political things and that. We should run the marathon. We should definitely do that. Yeah. We should definitely do that. Yeah. Because I don't want to. I've no interest in the training

and all that sort of thing. I'd like to. No, the only reason I want to do it, all I want to do, I won't finish it. Simply that. I won't get to a mile.

It's simply what happened. Right? I want to do, I want to enter the marathon. Right. I was going to say join the marathon. Join the marathon.

I don't want to join it halfway through. Right? I want to be, I want to push myself to the front. Right. i want to blow the whistle or whatever they do in the beginning right literally proper leg it like absolute top speed for as long as i can go i mean it'll only be like 100 200 meters maybe right but for that for that 200 meters i will be you'll be in the lead in the marathon.

Mate, I will be nailing the marathon, right? And it'll be on telly and that. I'll have a photo took. Right? It'll be me just bolting ahead. You know what I'm going to do, right? And so will the bud, like, 20 foot behind me. You know what I'm going to do, right? I'm going to do almost the opposite, right?

Yeah. I'm going to technically finish the marathon. Right. But without my feet touching the ground, right? Okay, good job. This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to wait a metre away from but without my feet touching the ground, right? Okay, good job. This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to wait a metre away from the finish line by the barrier, right? Wait for the wheelchair race to finish, right?

Run on, sit on someone's lap and just go through cheering. I've considered doing a similar thing with that rhino that always runs it. Yeah. I might just wait and see that rhino, because they don't know what's going on around them, do they? If one of us climbed on its back, it'd just be like, oh, God, it's a muggy day today, isn't it? Oh, I can really feel how heavy this costume is today. And we'll just be riding the rhino today.

And everyone will just think they're wearing a Fat Man costume. Yeah, and people now are going, you can't do that, it's bad sportsmanship, bad sports... Yeah, well, what if I told you we were doing it for AIDS? Yeah, what do you think then? Yeah, then what? What if we told you we were doing it for AIDS. Yeah, what do you think then? Yeah, then what? What if we told you we were doing it for disadvantaged children? Yep. To raise charity. Riding a rhino and running 100 metres top speed.

Sitting on a wheelchair's lap. I don't really think you should do that one. I think the rhino one is alright and the top speed one. I think it'd look great though. What if I sit on one of them, right? Right, and I give them such a jog that it wakes their legs up. Then who will be the hero up then who will be the hero then who will be

the hero I've won the marathon right and I've woken one of them up it's almost as if we're going out of our way this week

to make people turn off isn't it little known fact about me what I'm really good at making sushi

are you yeah I'm a bit of a sushi chef in fact you texted me a picture of some the other night. I sent you the photos of the stuff that I made. I'm really quite good at it. For a minute, I didn't believe you'd made it.

No, it was genuinely I made that. Yeah. When you make sushi, you've got what you've got to do. I'm not going to tell you all my secrets. But when you immediately transfer the rice from the pan after it's settled and it's cooked on its own steam for a little bit, you have to fold in rice vinegar and it's like a mix of stuff that you have to make in sushi rice. Yeah. To make it fold in rice vinegar and it's like a mix of stuff you have to fold in to make your sushi rice.

Yeah. To make it a bit more sticky and make it sort of stick together. While you're doing that you're meant to fan it. Right. Okay. To cool it down

as you're doing it. Yeah okay. Which helps it to actually all go together. They say you can just use a fan you make yourself like a magazine or something.

Yeah. But ideally a little handheld electric fan. Right okay. I didn't have a little handheld electric fan and I wanted to get one. Yeah.

So I went and got one. Now the only one I could get was one that also had an LED light in it. Okay. But when the fan is on, you can write messages. Cool. Like little red messages that go around it. I mean, I showed it to you earlier on, it said fuck off head on it. On the front of the box, it suggests some messages you might want to put on there.

Right. Like one of them was, will you marry me? When I went on holiday... Oh, show off. The other month, we went to the Norfolk Coast. Yeah, I know. Right. When I went on holiday

to the Norfolk Coast, right? I'm not saying I went bloody Barbados. No, you already said you went to America and Russia or something. I've been there as well. One of the days we were there, we went to Great Yarmouth. Oh, one of the days. One of one day. Oh, I was there for a day.

Right. Went to Great Yarmouth. Now, I'm not averse to seaside towns. I really like seaside towns. Like Blackpool, for example. Really, really enjoy Blackpool. It's great. Me and you went to Blackpool once, remember?

We did. We had a nice time. Ooh, show off. Right? But when we were there, we went to Great Yarmouth. And I thought, I'd be like, Blackpool? Yeah. It's not.

It's not. I mean, one of the most depressing, in fact, not one of, the most depressing place I have ever been in my entire existence. And you've been to Purgatory. I've been to Purgatory, mate. I would take Purgatory over Great Yarmouth. As soon as we got there, we parked up in the car park, right? Yeah.

We went to this shopping square. That's a shopping square. There weren't many shops. It was like a square with a man playing a trumpet. He was playing Phantom of the Opera. There were about 600 people. Right. Every one of them with a cone of chips.

And it stank of chips. Oh, it was fucking horrible. Did you have a cone of chips and it stank of chips oh it was fucking horrible did you have a cone of chips I got no not at all I wouldn't eat anything there right I mean we were wandering around

with our mouths open until we realised that might be a nigenic it was ridiculous we went to the tourist information board to their little shop thing that they had

yeah they told us go somewhere else no word of a lie right it was on the front at Great Yarmouth honestly somebody in there said don't stay here They told us, go somewhere else. No word of a lie, right? It was on the front at Great Yarmouth. Honestly, somebody in there said, don't stay here. Someone who was working there said that?

Absolutely. That's amazing. It was unbelievable. Just a horrible, horrible place. Right, I just wandered around. I saw a man there with a Jade Goody T-shirt on. Oh, God. Right, it was a man in a T-shirt with Jade Goody's face on it, right?

It said, Jade Goody, her date of birth, her date of death. Underneath it, I will always love you. I chased him for a bit, trying to get a photo. I take it he made that himself. I've not seen them on the rails at the Gap. If I'd have sent one for sale in Great Yarmouth, then I would have bought one. Yeah.

And I would have worn it. I mean, I like the idea of that. I would have really liked to have seen Jade Go goody sort of stretched across your frame i think it'd look amazing wouldn't it she'd look she'd look well again we walk past louis two swords i'm a big fan of louis two swords there's one at blackpool now look we all know it's shit right it's not mad it's not madame two swords which i also think is shit personally right louis two swords i think he was a cousin by marriage. Yeah, are they affiliated or is it like...

I'm not sure. ...Madam's brother who's gone, I could do that. He was the younger brother. I don't know what relation. I think he may have been a nephew or something like that. Right, okay. But I actually wrote down,

because we didn't go in in the end, even though it was only four quid, what put us off going in was it said, unfortunately, we are no longer able to allow you to take photos. Right. Which I suspect was because people were taking photos, going outside and going, look. Right, so they had to just stop it.

Right. Here's the list that was outside. Posh and Becks. Steptoe and Son. Mr Blobby. Not even a person. Mr Bean. JR of Dallas.

Noel Edmonds. Right. Kojak. Eddie the Eagle Edwards. Kevin Keegan. Paul Gascoigne. Right, and then underneath it, it said, See the stars, brackets, at the peak of their fame.

Sort of implying that Noel Edmonds is going to be sat there in a swap shop jumper and he's going to know that is what he looked like in the olden days. Right, so we didn't go in there, but I would have loved to have done. Right, and the other thing I noticed in Great Yarmouth. Right. I don't know if this is controversial or not, but I'd like to know, if anybody knows Great Yarmouth at all, if you could explain it to me, I'd be interested to find out.

On a purely sociological level I've never seen so many amputees but like a lot almost like every third person right a lot of them

yeah but all in varying states of repair okay right some of them just go around with bandages on

some of them with like really high tech metal legs. Right. But I don't know if that's where they send them. Was there a sign outside the Louis Tussauds saying, come to the Chamber of Horrors and do the Blade Run? Right, and also lots of tacky shops and that.

Yeah. I quite like tacky shops. Yeah, you love a tacky shop. I love them, mate. If I can get little, you know, snaps things. Yeah. Them things with little roll-up bits of paper, you throw them and they bang.

Yeah, lovely. If you sell them, good shop. I'll tell you what I like. What? Just press the bottom of a thing and the donkey goes all wobbly. I love that.

Yeah. Now, they seem to be mixing them up a little bit. Right. I went in one which said it was a joke shop outside. Okay. I got in,

there was about three foot of jokes. Right. And then it went over 18 so I'll only be on this point. Right, sex shop. Something by surprise. Yeah, yeah it does i was going in just for you know for a funny turd you came out with a double ender what sort of joke is this

right there was one shop i had all t-shirts outside they also had a big rack of gollies right as well i mean that was on their front see when you say golly i get mixed up because did you ever have like a blanket when you're a kid that you used to always keep no see i had one i used to like nozzle my nose with, and I called it a golly. Okay. Because when I used it, I went, golly, golly, golly, golly.

I see. Like that, I made that noise. Well, a golly as in what was on the top of Robertson's Jam. Right, okay. You know, considered these days to be rather politically incorrect. Yeah, sure. Perhaps don't sell them on the front of Great Yarmouth. But there was also in there quite a trade in bongs.

There seems to have, like, T-shirts as well they had. Yeah. There was one, a child's T-shirt, right? I don't know how you feel about this. Which said on the front, If I've gone quiet, you'd better come and find me. Right, now I presume that meant, Oh, I'm getting up to no good.

But in today's society, and with things that go on with children being abducted and that, I'm not sure that it was a particularly apt T-shirt. It was just specific for Great Yarmouth. Did they have one that said, if I'm not smiling stop shaking me? I am not a toy!

But the bongs I was telling you about, I've never been a big user of bongs. I've never been a pothead or anything like that. I've never really been into it. He's just more of a spliff man. Yeah, more of a spliff mate. He's more of a myself mate. No, I've never been into it. I don't you about. I didn't, I've never been a big user of bongs. I've never been a pothead or anything like that. I've never really been into it. He's just more of a spliff man. Yeah, more of a spliff mate just rather than myself mate. No,

I've never been into it. I don't like, I find people that say pot very boring people. But anyway, what I didn't know is that they have them all in all like different shapes

and that. Right. But the three that took my, sort of really took my eye was, and they've given names as well. Right. Right. So there was Jar Jar Bong.

Right, which was Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars. Yeah. There? So there was Jar Jar Bong. Right? Which was Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars. Yeah. There was Dong Bong. Oh God, right. Which was essentially a dildo made into a bong.

Yep, sure. And the last one was Foreign Gentleman with a turban on, sat down. Oh no. Bonglarden. I mean,

as I'm telling it back now, I'd quite like to take you to Great Yarmouth, then. Why are you saying it's shit? It sounds absolutely amazing. I think we'd have a brilliant time there. Somebody told me recently that Jim Davidson owns a lot of it, and it all fell into place. Now it's time to reveal the answer to the mind trap question from last week by the way this isn't going to be a regular section because we can't do it because they're

copyrighted um and we've probably broken the law doing this one but in a way it is promotion for your mind trap so shut up we're giving people a bit of a taste of your game and they're going to buy it now 14 quid it was i really don't think it's promotion at all. £14 and it's in a metal tin. So there you go, that's a bargain. If you don't like the game, tip all the questions out. Keep tea bags in it. Right, so the question was,

Carrie Queen works on the 35th floor of an office tower. Most mornings, Carrie will ride the elevator as far as the 25th floor, then climb the stairs to the 35th floor. On the mornings when it's raining, however, he will always ride the elevator to the 35th floor. Since Carrie is neither fond of exercising or superstitious, what would be the reason of this rather bizarre behaviour?

Now, when I read this question to Ed over the phone, and also when the question was read to me originally, we were coming up with things like, oh, is it snowing? Does the rain melt the snow because he skis to work?

Is it on a snow lid? All these sort of things. None of those things were the answers. The answer is... And when I told Ed this, it's the loudest laugh I've ever heard on a mobile phone. Carrie answer is, and when I told Ed this, it's the loudest laugh I've ever heard

on a mobile phone. Carrie Queen is a dwarf. He is only able to reach as high as the 25th floor button on the elevator unless he has his umbrella. So well done to all the people

that got that. There's another question in it, by the way. But that's not logic at all because if he, like, okay, first day it's raining, right? I don't want to say it's going to be logical. No, first day at it, by the way. But that's not logic at all, because if he... Like, okay, first day it's raining, right? I don't want to say it's going to be logical.

No, first day at work, right? Yeah. He can only reach the size of the 25th, has to climb to the 35th, right? Maybe then the next day it rains and he realises he can hit the button. Yeah. Take your umbrella with you every day, or just a stick or something, or ask someone else in the lift to press it for you. Yeah, or ask someone in the lift to lift you up.

Yeah. Can you lift me up so I can press my button? Soothe the bloody workplace until they put a step in. Exactly. Do you know what? Nowadays as well, with all that disabled equality and all that, as it should be, there shouldn't be buttons that high up. No, exactly. What are they playing at? It's an absolute disgrace. It's not something to make a funny little question out of. Yeah. There was one question, another one of my favourites, which was about three soldiers escaping in Germany during the war during the war and right there's three soldiers and they get german uniforms and they speak perfect german and all this but they're in a bar and somebody realizes that they're not german soldiers how the answer was two of them were black

two of them were black and he said which would be highly unlikely in the nazi party He said two of them were black and he said which would be highly unlikely in the Nazi party. But there you go, that's Mind Trap. By all means buy it. It is funny but for all the wrong reasons. I don't know who's hiring a dwarf anyway. Ed. Yeah.

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to marry a witch? It's a serious question, though, do you? Or have a relationship with someone who practices the Wiccan stuff. Do you ever wonder about that? I do wonder what it would be like to know a witch intimately. I mean, would you change your life, or would you just let her get on with it? I don't know mean would you change your life or would you just let her get on with it I don't know if you would change your life I don't know

whether you would would you get into it yourself yeah would you try and show an interest would you just have to go and live in

live in the woods yeah I mean it's a good question though isn't it because we can't choose who we fall in love with no

what you know it just it just comes about that is I mean we've done a lot of these sorts of things before that is singularly the stupidest question you've ever asked well I'm asking it as a serious question It just comes about. That is... I mean, we've done a lot of these sorts of things before.

That is singularly the stupidest question you've ever asked. No, I'm asking it as a serious question. No, now I'm getting into it. Would you be allowed to have a mobile phone, for example? No, I'm not sure you would. I don't think you would at all. Would you be allowed emails? Yeah.

Or would you just have to whisper what you wanted to a feather and then blow it away? I mean, I don't think i know a witch i imagine if i fell in love with one yeah i don't know whether i'd want to because i don't really believe in all that but you know if you do it's fine you know get on with what you're doing but i don't really believe in it but if i fell in love with one yeah like a wiccan we're talking like a nature's wick yeah would i not like a nature's witch. Yeah, would I expect... Not like a big hook nose. Either way. Would I expect her to give all up the witching?

Yeah. Or would I have to get into being a witching? It's a good point. You can get male witches, can't you? Warlocks, are they? Yeah, warlocks. No, I think you can get a male witch. I think a warlock is a male witch.

I don't know. I actually think there is such a thing as a male witch anyway. I think it's called a warlock. Would you have to be a witch to be with them, or would you have to change? I'm't know. I actually think there's such a thing as a male witch anyway. I think it's called a warlock. Would you have to be a witch to be with them, or would you have to change? I'm not sure. Maybe it's like a religion or something. So Judaism passes down the female line, doesn't it?

Yeah. So maybe you can marry a witch and not be a witch, but then your children are witches. I'll be honest with you, I wouldn't want to not have toilet paper. I don't know if that's right or not. I don't know if they use leaves or something. I've heard it's like the Wiccans. I imagine that they use leaves. But I don't know that they do. I don't know if that's right or not. I don't know if they use leaves or something. But what you've heard is, like, the Wiccans...

I imagine that they use leaves. But I don't know that they do. I don't know that for a fact. Please don't take this as me knocking you, because I don't want you to put a spell on me. That would be one way... And I'd want to stick to normal showers rather than having to...

We on each other. We on each other, then roll in a puddle and hit yourself with a twig. Yeah, so... If there's any witches out there who are thinking about having a relationship with me I'll kind of meet you

halfway but toilet paper I've got to I've got to have that and Ed wants to have a shower and all if that's alright and I'm not

I don't want to cast spells on people yeah nothing horrible anyway maybe good spells like they can fly for a minute can witches fly no but the witch

can make someone else fly for a second alright well if there is a witch out there who wants to marry me for a bit then we'll do that but you've got to make me fly for a minute. Can witches fly? No, but the witch can make someone else fly for a second. Alright, well if there is a witch out there who wants to marry me for a bit, then we'll do that, but you've got to make me fly for a minute. Maybe on the wedding day. Yeah, definitely. I could fly down the aisle. Would there even be an aisle? There wouldn't be an aisle,

would there, mate? Because it wouldn't be a... Yeah, it wouldn't be in a church, would it? It'd be in a clearing. Would it? In a wood? Yeah, it'd be a clearing in a wood. Right. And it wouldn't be a priest, right? It'd be a deer with a crown on. Right, and I'm not even joking, right? You didn't invite your family, right?

Why? Because nature is your new family. Okay. And all the people there would just be starlings. Starlings and trees? Starlings and trees and berries. Right. So that would be all the guests that were there. starlings. Starlings and trees? Starlings and trees and berries. Right.

So that would be all the guests that were there. Well that's a relatively cheap reception though, isn't it? Yeah. Would you have to give up money? You wouldn't have to give up

the concept of money but all money instead of coins, right, it is now droppings. And you go, oh, I'll give you four droppings for that pat.

Would I have to start a song like that? Yes. Okay, right. No, mate, maybe go like this, like an old crone. I can't do that one. I'll try and do it. I'll go, oh. Right.

I imagine, right, that a lot of the currency is water. And at the beginning of every year, they wouldn't even have years no they wouldn't have years what would they have new suns oh it's a third new sun of the trimester all right but every time that the new sun comes up you get a jug of water with marks down the side of it, and you have to budget it out. So you have to go, all right, that will be, that bit there, that inch of water there is for the equivalent of February.

I don't know what it would be. The more we talk about this, the less bothered I am about marrying a witch. I don't want to marry a Wiccan. No, I'm not saying that I won't. I'm just saying that these are the things, these are the things that I envisage to be problems.

Yeah. Are there any plus points to being a witch? Yeah, I think so. When you get up in the morning, right, you can have a chat with a vole if you want. And I'm not even... A lot of your witch ideas seem to be from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Yeah, I think so, yeah. I don't think she was the witch one. I was just thinking Wiccan, sort of connected with nature. They would be able to, like, talk to the animals. And not have proper shoes. Because I would say that if you're going to live

in the jungle like they do... In the forest. Right, yeah. I think that is when you do need proper, you know, sturdy walking boots. That's when you need

a pair of wellies or, like, Timberlands. Yeah, I mean, I tell you what, on a purely practical level, I'd say the worst thing to have would be an all-or-none badger.

You can't have an all-or-none badger's shoes. I know, it's just not practically the worst. It's like they make hard work for themselves, isn't it? Yeah, especially with the bloody badger talking to you all the time.

Yeah, that is witch sat-nav. Yeah. They put an all- an hollowed out badger on the feet but the head is still on the end and it goes at the brook pause and do a spell

I think that is I can't see how any Wiccan could take offence at any of that I think that is. So I can't see how any Wiccan could take offence at any of that conversation. Have you ever been in a situation with someone when they do something racist by accident? I have actually, yeah. Right, what was your one? It's usually me. Oh, right. No, I was in a very posh Japanese restaurant

with our friend Catherine the other week. It was like a sushi restaurant and that. And she's really funny, Catherine, but she does tend to just make noises every now and again when she's doing stuff. She's really quite a playful girl in that. You know, she's just singing that when she's doing stuff. Lovely girl, loved to pieces.

But we were in a Japanese restaurant, right, and she wasn't thinking straight. And she was looking at the menu, which was quite substantial, and as she was turning the pages, and I've got to, I've got to emphasise, this was not intentional, and it was, but as she was turning the pages, she went, Oh no! Like, really quite loud, and I was going, what are you doing? And then she realised what she'd done, and she went really, really, oh my god, oh my god, really quite loud. I was going, what are you doing? And then she realised what she'd...

And she went really, really... Oh, my God, oh, my God. And they did it again! So, but don't worry, Catherine. As I promised that day, I won't tell no one. It's the letters time. Yeah. Time for the letters, and it's my turn.

Yeah. I've retired. Well, you've not. Still retired, like I did last week. So there you go. That's pulled the rug on you, hasn't it? Was there no public? Mate, and it's my turn. Yeah. I've retired. Well, you've not. Still retired, like I did last week. So there you go. That's pulled the rug on your minute. Was there no public... Mate, there was loads of it.

Some people threatened me. Some people sent me death threats. Saying if you don't do your letter... If I don't do my letter this week, they're going to kill me. But I'm not bound to terrorism. I'm not going to be subjugated by things like that. Right, well, you've not bound to terrorism, but I have. I've written your letter.

Well, I mean, you can't. Well, then read it then, fine. No, you're reading it. I'm not reading it because I've retired. No, this is going to be a very positive thing for you because I've written a letter in the style of you. Right. So you'll read it out. No, and hopefully...

Funny one this week. And hopefully, when you read it out and you see from the other side how your letters sound, then maybe you will find out what is wrong with your letters and then we can move on in a more positive way. Well, now is that learning me anything? It is learning you to be more humil... Humil... What?

Humil. Have humility. I've got humility. Right. And find out where... Mate, I've got... Listen. I've got humility coming out of my massive cock.

Find out where... I've got humility all over me really handsome face. I've got humility all dripping down me beautifully toned body.

And all over me fit girlfriend. Right, okay. It'll stop your delusion. I've got humility in me bank with all me money.

With all me hundreds of millions of money. I've got humility in me seats in me fast car. I think you've done enough now. I've got humility. We of money. I've got humility in my seats and my fast car. I think you've done enough now. I've got humility.

We get it. I've got humility in my gold gloves. That's a good one, isn't it? Yeah, it's a great one, yeah. Yeah, thanks. Anyway, it'll show you your mistakes. All right, I'll read it. Right, okay.

And then maybe, then we can move forward. I'm reading it first, though, before I read it out. No, you're not. Why? You're just reading it out. You can't just give me blind. I can. That's not fair.

Okay, so, three, two, one. Well, no, I'm not reading it yet. We're going to discuss it a little bit more first. I've got it in my hand. Don't you look at it? I won't look at it at all. How offensive is it? It's in the style of you. So how offensive do you think it is? I read it. I read it. I can't really read Dear Chocolate Buttons. Right. Well, that's not very offensive, is it not? Okay. All right. Well, I'll read the letter that Ed has written, supposedly from me. Yeah, in your style. But I want it to be clear that I wouldn't normally read a bad taste right well um dear chocolate buttons i am a real mum seriously for real please believe me and i have a son called fraser it came out of

my fanny because i am his mum remember that from earlier so that's fine already that's that is the sort of stuff i wouldn't very subtle though, is it? I like how you've written it in block capitals so that I can read it. It's not your normal handwriting. You've written it as if you're teaching a class of five-year-olds. Well, yeah. Right. Anyway, a man in a bush offered Fraser, brackets, my son, I am his mum, close brackets, some of your buttons. Right, read it. And Fraser... And Fraser... It's your style. I know, I'm trying to do it.

And Fraser took some and went in his van. And the man injected him with cancer. And so... The man injected him with cancer and took the inside of his bum and Fraser went mad and fell on some glass and it went through his kidney. That man turned out to be his dad and also a Hitler. Brackets the famous one.

And now Fraser is dead or fire. Anyway, sent some chocolate for some reason. Fraser's mum definitely. That's a brilliant letter I've written. What did you think of that one? That was my letter for this week. Did you enjoy that? Yeah, I think it might be a bit offensive. Mate, what's up with that? So you can't see any... There's everyone without one. What's up with that one? You was my letter for this week. Did you want to do that? Yeah, I think it might be a bit offensive. Mate, what's up with that?

So you can't see any... There's everyone with that one. What's up with that one? You can't see any problem with that. Mate, I've done everything that you said in that one. I've set it up nice as a family. What is wrong with that letter that I've written? Right.

That's a brilliant one. And say, because that does happen in the world, that. People do give chocolate buttons out to children. That does happen, yes. I don't know what you're having a go at that one for. What are you having a go at that letter for?

They say you wouldn't get any free stuff if you said that. He injected me with some cancer, there's nothing wrong with that. Twisted inside of his bum, that does happen in the world, that. I'll tell you what, if I was in chocolate button land, right, and I was in chocolate buttons, someone sent me that letter, I'd send fucking loads of them. No, why? Just because I feel bad about it. Send me shit loads, mate. We should send that off to chocolate buttons, someone sent me that letter, I'd send fucking loads of them. Because I feel bad about it.

Send me shit loads, mate. We should send half the chocolate buttons, definitely. There'll be another brilliant letter from me next week. But I think you'll agree that you're glad my letters are back in the ones that I've written. That's a nice one, yeah. God.

The Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies, except the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidebottom. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a big and dark production, hosted by Chortle.co.uk. is a big and dark production hosted by Chortle.co.uk. If you spotted a deliberate mistake in this week's show, tell us on our Facebook page and you might win a prize. See you next week.

Oh, we didn't do a deliberate mistake! Shit!