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Oh, hey there, it's Ray here.
Just talking to you now for a second
to bring you this very, very special Peacock and Gamble podcast.
It's basically a mix-up of the live show from King's Place in December last year
and the little secret live show that we done last week in Manchester at Access Malarkey.
This is basically to promote our show at the Soho Theatre,
which is this coming Wednesday, which is the 3rd of April.
We're going to be doing a special podcast, live podcast,
with special guest Brian Gittins. We booked him ages ago and we're at to be doing a special podcast live podcast with special guest brian gittins
we um booked him ages ago and we're his mix-up i booked him and ed said no and then he showed me
some stuff on the internet that brian gittins had done and i went but i booked him now and ed was
like yeah but ring him now then i rang him and said it was a mistake and he said but he's already
booked it in now it'll be mostly me and ed but we've got to
let brian on at some point you can get tickets for that on 0207 4780100 that's 0207 4780100
don't panic about the quality of this being all crap by the way i've got a very very bad cold
i'm very poorly i've spent my easter sunday editing this for you and uh i can't be bothered
going to the car for the mics because they're under the passenger seat at the moment.
Hope you enjoy it.
How cool.
Did you hear that?
Yeah, whistling.
People still do that?
People still whistling.
I could never do that.
I've never done it.
I saw Sue Pollard do it the other day.
Hang on.
It's weird, isn't it?
That's the strangest way we've ever started a vodcast.
Yeah, I know.
I saw Sue Pollard do that the other day.
Not in real life.
It was...
I was watching...
Oh, this is all right, then.
No, listen to this.
I was watching...
I met Ruth Mavik recently, though.
Right, hang on.
Stick on to one story, right?
It was Best of Royal Variety.
It was.
On the telly.
And it's on ITV2 or something now.
You've been busy since the last...
I have been busy, yeah.
This was yesterday.
I Skyplussed it.
The reason I Skyplussed it
was because I'd said a bit of it...
Are you having a breakdown already?
No, listen.
Listen, I said a bit of it the day before
and I wish I could remember what the bloke said.
It was Max Bygrove.
Fucking hell!
This is genuinely like a granddad having a breakdown.
And I saw him.
I think it was Max Bygrove.
And he said...
What did he say now?
Our average audience is about 13.
You can't do Max Bygrove, Sue Pollard,
and Ruth fucking Maddox in the same sentence.
It's got to be all Justin Bieber in one direction.
All right, well, Justin Bieber was doing an IDI sketch.
It was a Royal Variety and Sue Pollard just ran out.
It was before the interval.
Oh, dressed as Peggy from IDI.
She went, oh, Miss Kevcast, tell me to clean the stage up.
Tell me to clean the stage up.
I'll never be able to do it on my own.
And she went, oh, I need help.
And she went, she did a big whistle right
and then all the cast of Heidi High
Paul, Shane, Geoffrey
every fucker right
Ruth Bannock
they all came on
in a row with brushes
and they all just started brushing
and then the Heidi High music started playing
and then they took a bow
it was really weird
is this all still during the interval?
no then it was the interval oh right I thought you meant that it was during the interval? No, then it was the interval.
Oh, right.
I thought you meant that it was during the interval.
People were still coming back with their drinks.
What the fuck is this?
But it was genuinely like they'd just turned up.
Right.
And they'd gone, you're not booked for it.
All right, just go out and just do a bit of brushing.
Grab a broom.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Now you can't meet the queen this is the peacock and gamble podcast we are going to do a live podcast now but we have we
have been sat on the stage right no messing for about 10 minutes now and no one in the audience
is taking any notice of us.
They're just all having chats and drinking beer and wine,
and we're getting to the point where we are actually quite offended.
So me and Ed are just going to start the clapping now ourselves.
APPLAUSE Too much. Bit much that, innit? Too much, but utterly spontaneous. Silly, silly, isn't it?
Silly, silly.
Too much.
Bit much, that, isn't it?
Too much, but utterly spontaneous.
Yeah, you don't even know this,
but we've already started recording the podcast already.
When you were all chatting,
I just did something really quietly into the mic that none of you ever heard,
and you'll only hear it when it comes out,
but it proper slags you, Lofo.
You Lofo.
You Lofo. I just said, probably slags you, Lof. You lofo. You lofo?
Did you say that?
I just said proper slags you, lofo.
You know what?
I didn't hear you say that.
No one else heard you say that.
There was no need to bring that up.
There it is.
Right, well, you can fuck off for a start.
That could be a stroke.
Huh?
That might be a stroke.
What?
I might have had a stroke.
Oh, we're all having a good giggle now
but then tomorrow
it'll be on Twitter that I've died
and you'll go well actually weirdly
I heard him say lofot last night
right well I know how to spot a stroke
because I've seen it on the telly
right it's fast you have to do right
so it's face
you need to watch out for the
if they have a face
arms same have we got arms right? So it's face. You need to watch out if they have a face. Yeah, got it.
Arms, same.
Have you got arms?
One, two. Yeah, right.
Speech, if they make a speech.
So at weddings, they happen a lot.
And T, which is
tits.
If it's a lady,
if their tits droop
to the ground, you have to
catch them very quickly before they hit the ground, and scoop them back up, and then wrap
them round the head, and then if you do that, then the stroke is finished.
Anyway, welcome to the Peacock and Gover podcast, here live at the, where, what is this called
again?
Manchester MEN Arena.
Manchester MEN Arena, Manchester MEN Arena.
Don't worry, we'll put loads
of reverb on you, it'll sound like that.
Well, so we decided
to spontaneously do a podcast, didn't we?
Because we were going to be up here anyway.
Yeah. Because we had a tour
date last night in Durham. Durham, yep.
At the Durham Theatre.
Durham Theatre, yeah.
And we've got a gig tomorrow night yn York, yn y Theatr York.
Yn y Theatr York. Felly rydyn ni'n gwneud fwy na thôr teatr.
Roeddwn i'n golygu bod gen i gyngor yma heno yn St Helens, ond fe wnaeth hi gael ei gynnal.
Roedd hi'n cael ei gynnal ar ddydd. Roedd gen i flesg gan y blwch yn dweud,
O, nid yna wedi gwnaethu unrhyw ticet. Felly, yn eich teulu.
Felly, nid ydym yn gwneud hynny o'r bryd. Tickets? So, in your hometown. So we're not doing that anymore.
And this is true.
I was meant to be doing the warm-up for Reeves and Mortimer tonight
at TV Centre at BBC, the last ever show there.
And I was meant to be doing the warm-up.
I said I wouldn't do it so I could do the gig in St Helens.
And then the gig in St Helens was pulled.
So I didn't do my last ever warm-up at BBC TV Centre in London.
Then I went, do you know what? I'm still not going to do it.
I'm going to come and do this show for you.
Yeah, because they didn't actually call and say,
we've heard your gig's been cancelled.
The space is still open for you, is there, though?
And you went, no, I can't. I'm going to Gibbous Clegg.
Manchester?. Manchester.
MEN Arena.
In the back room of the MEN Arena.
In the
barn of the MEN Arena where they
keep all their horses for the Royal Tournament.
And isn't
it interesting, Ed?
I have ended up back
here at the MEN Arena.
Well, of course I used to work.
I used to be a steward here, didn't I?
Yeah, you've stolen Peter Kay's backstory.
And now I've come back,
and we'll probably run through the audience
at the beginning of it
before I go on and talk about garlic mushrooms.
Which, when you think about it, is mental
as a food. Garlic
mushrooms is more confusing than garlic bread.
Garlic mushrooms?
Garlic
mushrooms?
My dad used to say,
do you want some garlic mushrooms?
I'd go, what? And he'd go,
no!
Garlic mushrooms, dickhead!
And then we would have a laugh, eat some Spangles,
and then play with Evil Knievel toy.
Pickle can gamble, pickle can gamble.
If you listen to the podcast, you'll know that there's always
an unofficial theme running through the podcast.
Brilliant comedy.
Yeah, but that's more of a side theme.
Here's a bit of it now.
Garlic pavement!
It must be the slowest and most horrific breakdown
in history you're having, I think.
Me?
Yeah, just constant.
The sort of things you...
The other day, I mean, this is now normal,
but the other day, this pushed it a little bit further.
I turned around in your living room,
you had your arms in the air,
and your penis was out.
Just penis out.
Your trousers and pants were fully down.
Now, I've seen you from behind when you've done this before.
Just in the toilet,
where, this is the hilarious thing that Ray
will do, it started off as a hilarious thing,
this is now how he just has wheeze.
Where he'll stand at a urinal or a toilet
with his trousers and pants pulled fully down
like a four-year-old boy with his hands in the air.
I can't do it. I can't not do it.
Like he's waiting for someone to...
And T-shirt tucked under the chin.
Yeah, I put my chin down.
But now that's just how you have a wee.
It's really good though, isn't it? I don't understand.
Because I never, when I was a little boy at school,
there were always boys in the toilet,
like primary school and stuff.
There were always. Always, yeah.
Always.
Did you have them ones who'd dry their hands and do the
sulk for you in the toilet?
Yeah.
But there were boys that would literally go in the toilet and pull their pants down to their ankles.
Yeah.
To do a wee.
Yeah.
Little boys do that.
But I didn't as a little boy.
I never did that.
So you feel you've lost out.
I feel now that I now...
Now I've found out what brilliant fun it is.
Yeah.
And also you add in pulling the shirt up as well.
Yeah.
I'm going to do it all the time.
Right.
Sometimes I might do it for poos.
Sorry.
I might... Sorry. I might sometimes I might do it for poos I might
I might
I might start standing up
like that
and just going
standing up for a bit
just let it drop out
not even wipe
I've wiped because it'll just come out
clean
but that's not a breakdown
I've got reasons for it
yeah so why were you just doing it in your living room why did i turn around and there was no wee
or poo coming out which is lucky but also also fine if it's your living room a man's home is his
toilet wherever he wants um but you were just there, hands in the air, T-shirt under the chin, trousers and pants down,
penis and testicles out in the wind.
And it is drafty in your house.
I have got an explanation for that.
Right, go on.
You weren't looking at me.
You were in my house.
Writing the show. You were in my house... Yeah, writing the show.
Yeah.
You were in my house, busying yourself.
Busying...
I'd come over to your house to write our Radio 4 show.
Right.
And I wasn't looking at you.
Yeah.
So you thought...
Yeah.
He's busy doing some work.
He's not looking at me.
Why is he not looking at me?
Why is he not looking at me?
Does he not like me in clothes?
Yeah, I'm going to get into full toilet mode.
Yeah.
But you also told me though,
quite by chance, because I'm
selling all my possessions at the moment on eBay.
And quite by, so my living room
literally looks like a
shipping factory.
It's just all boxes everywhere all the time.
And quite by chance,
and it wasn't deliberate, where I was stood
you said that there was
a Star Wars toy
it was a little R2D2
was stood on the table, you know you've not been in my house a lot
but it was on the table
I was behind the table, I was quite far away from it
you said from where you were looking
that blocked out my cock and balls
like a 70s sitcom, it was amazing
there was an R2D2 covering his Chewy.
It was fucking incredible.
But what was great as well was I got it as big as I can get it.
Like, not hard, but I got it like...
No, because you...
No.
You had it at tipping point.
It was tipping point.
Yeah.
Because if I said mine out now, rubbish.
Oh, no.
Rarely that is rubbish, you would say.
Yeah, you'd actually think it was rubbish. Yeah, yeah. You'd think it was a bit of chewed up chewing gum. A twig. A twig, rubbish. Oh, really, that is rubbish, you would say. Yeah, you'd actually think it was rubbish.
Yeah, yeah.
You'd think it was a bit of, like, chewed-up chewing gum.
A twig, a twig, yeah, yeah.
It's like a dog's one. It's awful.
Yeah, but if I get it...
It's like a little pig's dick with an Afro wig on it.
It's literally an awful, horrible thing,
like someone's had a go at it.
Yeah.
Right. But if I get thing, like someone's had a go at it. Right.
But if I get it like... Perforated.
If a woman... How does it look like it's been
torn off a strip of them?
Like tickets
at a deli counter.
Or if there is a
lost cat.
And you need to take a phone number.
Yeah, like that. Make pounds, pounds, pounds. From your house, yeah, easy. If there is a lost cat. And you need to take a phone number.
Make pounds, pounds, pounds.
From your house, yeah, easy.
That's my knob, that, you're pulling off.
But I got it to what I considered a presentable state.
Where I was like, all right, that's not going to win any awards.
But at least Ed will at least think, well, he has done puberty.
And he's not a little boy's one.
Like, it can look like... Yeah.
..it's very, very cold.
It can.
I went to services, Birch Services, last night,
and I've never been so cold in my life.
I walked out of the car, cos you went in first, came back,
and I walked out of the car and the wind hit me, cold wind,
and my whole body shook.
It was like...
At the moment, can I just
say, I know you were very cold, but it just sounds like
you're explaining to everyone what it's like
to be cold. Yeah, yeah.
And you'll never, right, the wind hit me
and it was so cold and I was like,
woo. It was like,
I don't know if you know what cold
feels like, but it was a feeling
of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But very.
And I went into the toilet
before I do a wee, and honestly, I had no
controller. It was just skin.
Honestly,
it was horrible. It was like
it was the opposite of you.
It was the opposite of me. It was the opposite
of you. It was like... What, mine's all
flesh, is it? No, it was like
because I'm not circumcised, but you are circumcised
now, and it was like, when you went in
for your circumcision, they went, do you know what?
For a change, let's just
let's remove the meat.
Oh, oh, I'd
hate that if I'd gone in and it's the day they had the
doctor doing it, going through an experimental
phase. I'll tell you what, I've tried
something different today. I've
scooped all the meat out the middle.
It's Freaky Friday.
It is. That's what it was like. It was like they just
kept my foreskin and took
the cock.
And honestly, I was...
Were you checking the floor to see if it had dropped out?
Right, no exaggeration. It's only happened to me once
in my life. That was my medical at school.
Right.
Where you had to have your balls felt and everything.
Yeah.
And I swear to God it's true.
When that happened, I undid my trousers and she pulled them down a little bit.
Yeah.
Because I was like trying to hide my cock.
And she pulled it down a bit.
You were trying to hide it from the others?
I was.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you not understand what she was doing?
Not really.
We thought it was urban legend anyway that it happened,
so I was just in state of shock anyway.
And I looked down at my penis.
I honestly, I was like 15, 16 years of age,
and I looked down and honestly went,
that's not mine.
That's not my num.
And she looked up at me like that and I went,
that's not mine.
Mine is bigger than that.
Not much, but it is bigger than that.
But yeah, last night, I didn't touch it.
I had it out, I didn't touch it.
It was just like there, and there was wee
going off everywhere.
No control over it at all.
Yeah, mate.
Should have seen me after the operation.
It was horrible.
Really, why?
It was going everywhere.
Was it?
Yeah.
Because you've got to aim it, haven't you,
when you have your end cut off?
Is that not right? You've got to aim it, haven't you, when you have your end cut off? Is that not right?
You've got to aim it anyway, mate.
At what point do you just get in there and think, oh, I'm not going to aim it today?
Well, I don't. Having a
foreskin does not give you
permission to piss
wherever you want. You can't go, well,
I've got one, I'm going to go in the sink.
I don't aim it in normal life I don't I just I get it out
and then I do it and it goes the right direction right second nature to me right but if I if I
went in the toilet pull the skin you've told everyone what it's like to be cold let's do how
to go to the toilet here's me in the toilet right right I've undone it right I've got my knob I've
got my knob out you're not undone your knob.
No, my knob's out.
There it is.
Okay, it's too big.
No.
No.
No.
Got my knob like that.
Let's make that a little bit smaller.
No, that is my knob.
Yeah.
But in a baguette.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But if I then pull the skin back,
then I could imagine, I'll have to aim this now
because it's going in a different direction
to what it normally would.
I don't pull any skin back now.
No, I know.
What I'm saying is, though,
before, when you had the skin on the end of it,
like a normal boy,
then you would have done it without thinking.
But now that the skin has all gone,
take it away, dirty boy.
Now, your wee trajectory is different to what it used to be,
so you now probably have to point it down into the basin.
So what's happening here is you're bringing up hypotheticals
on how I might have to wee.
Just ask me, mate.
You're sitting there going,
see, what you probably have to do is point your penis down for a wee.
How would you do a wee?
I'd just hold it.
I'd just...
I'd just hold it.
Sorry that is my penis but in a bee hive.
Oh we've got to go one better haven't we?
Just hold it and aim it mate.
Yeah, there we go, end of section
Is anybody in here not familiar with the podcast?
It's fine if you're not, there's no issue with it at all
Okay, one chap there, are you with people who are?
And have they fucking dragged you out, man?
Do you know what?
You would love this, right?
I mean, ideally you would have had to have listened to over 100 episodes
To get the jokes, really.
But if you just kind of tune into it,
everyone else would be laughing. You look a prick.
So what's that? You've never said this before?
No.
Do you have any sort of... What's your name?
James.
James, do you have any basic question, James,
that you'd like to ask us now
that would help ease you into the process a little bit?
No, I like the idea of a happy surprise.
Yeah, yeah.
Happy surprise, yeah.
That'll happen at the end, James.
That's one of the regular sections.
EHS.
It's happy surprise.
It's happy surprise, or RLM, raise little mess.
Fuck, mate.
Oh, dear.
All right, so they know who we are, like?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
So what did they tell you in advance?
They said you were funny.
Yeah.
You sound really committed to that.
I remember they went, oh, they're funny.
Right.
You've liked it.
Oh, bless you, James. I'm really glad you've liked it oh yeah oh bless you james i'm really glad you've liked it
it's been it's been good i've liked it
well i'd give it i'd give it one big tick in my book of things
i'm glad you liked it mate yeah oh nice to meet you james right yeah so that's royal
variety and meet james that's Royal Variety and Meet James.
That's all the sections I've got, mate.
Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble.
But now... Do this letter then, mate.
I'm genuinely worried about it.
Right.
All right.
Can we explain to James the...
Yeah, you explain it to James.
James, I'll try and explain the origin of this.
We decided to write complaint letters from a family.
So we write complaint letters to companies
or people from a woman from a
family who's got a very ill son called Fraser
and he's usually heavily involved in the letters.
It's quite a sad story.
It's built and built so I don't think we're going in really
harsh on one child.
They're basically blackmailed companies with a fictional
ill child just to see if we can get free stuff.
But this is interesting you know because
Fraser died last year, remember?
Yeah I do, New Year'sn gwneud hynny. Yn ystod y blwyddyn newydd, ydy'r hyn?
Nid, nid. Ac yna eto.
Nid, nid, nid. Ac yna eto.
Ie.
Yn ystod y flwyddyn diwethaf, roedd yn marw.
Ie.
Ie.
Ie.
Felly, dwi'n meddwl, dwi'n gallu ei gynnal yn ôl oherwydd nid yw'n Dallas.
Nid.
Felly, beth rwy'n...
Rwy'n gwybod bod yn gyfrifol ar y bwrdd.
Ie.
Yn ymgyrch â'r cyfnod.
Dallas.
Felly, beth rwy'n meddwl y byddaf yn ei wneud yw, byddaf yn...
Rwy'n meddwl, oherwydd dwi ddim yn gwybod hyn, ond rwy'n... Rwy'n ymwneud â'r gofyn o'r teulu Fraser. So what I thought I'd do is I'd go I don't even know this but I'm
in charge of the will of the Fraser family
so I have access
to all their correspondence
so I thought I would go back
into the archives
Lovely stuff
What a way of wriggling out of this
and see
let's go back right early on
and see what sort of correspondence
they were writing a gwneud y cyfnod yn gyntaf ac ystyried beth o gyfnod oedd yn cael ei ysgrifennu.
Mae'n ddrwg, Jim.
Rwy'n gofio bod chi wedi sgwyddo am y syniad hwn.
Mae'n golygu bod rhaid i chi sgwyddo am yr holl beth. Now please remember you laughed at the idea of this. Yeah, yeah. Which means you have to laugh at everything.
You now can't bail on this at any point.
Oh, hello cheeky pants.
Please forgive my impertinent, over-familiar start to this letter,
but I am in an overjoyed mood and wish to share it with you.
Let me reintroduce myself.
Go on, let me.
My name is Mrs Fraser,
and if I was in a family, which I fucking
am, I would fulfil
the woman role within it, which I fucking
do.
Even back then she was swearing.
I know she's weird. I will tell you
straight off that this is an odd letter for me to be
writing, as I generally, usually
most of the time, write complaint letters in my
life. But today's is a
right big thank you one.
Yes, that's right.
Thank you, Jimmy Savile.
Or dare
I say, Sir Jimmy Savile,
hopefully one day.
A title befitting one
as kind as you.
Yes, this will be good.
I think that was me right at the end.
You congratulated
yourself on the idea.
Anyway, I am sure you record so many of your
Jim Fixes It programmes
that you just forget people once it is finished.
I can't imagine it happens much
where people you have come into contact with rear their heads
in the future.
you have come into contact with rear their heads in the future.
So let me jog your memory.
Oh, jog! Ha ha! Brilliant accidental joke.
You do jogging, remember? Nice one.
Here is the jogging now, brackets of the memory.
A few months ago I wrote you a letter on behalf ofab, Fraser, sy'n fachus, fach, ffyn, a'i llenwi i bob ystafell.
Mae'n dim ond yn ysgol cymraeg, ond mae'n gweithiwr y tîm ffutbol,
gweithiwr y tîm ysgol, a wedi cael ei ddodd ar y llythyr am y cyfnodau cynnar
oherwydd ei ddyddwch sylweddol.
Efallai y byddwch yn cofio, dwi wedi dweud wrthych chi sut roedd yn cael ei gynnal i gyd
yr holl rhesymau ar ei ddiwrnod sgolio, ac roeddwn i wedi mynd i'w ysgol meddygol gyda llwythyr ffio, roeddwn i wedi dweud wrthych chi sut roedd hi wedi cael cael ei rhedeg ar y Dydd Sgolio a chymerodd ei meddyg o'i ysgol gyda llwythiau ffynu.
Yn wir, roedd y gwylwr ysgol yn dweud ei fod yn ddiogel, yn ieithydd ac yn ffordd fwy o fwahanol o'i gweld hi o'i gweld.
O'i gweld! O'i gweld!
Roedd y llythyr a wnes i'n ei ysgrifennu yn ymwneud â sut roedd hi bob amser eisiau gweld sut mae sosejau'n cael eu gwneud. The letter I wrote you was about how he had always wanted to see how sausages are made.
And get hands on with making sausages.
Sausages is Fraser's favourite food.
He mainly eats healthy, but sausages are his guilty pleasure.
He's never happier than when he has a nice big fat sausage in his mouth. ffwrdd arbennig. Mae'n ddefnyddio'n ddiogel yn enwedig, ond mae sosegeis yn ei hwyl. Nid yw'n fwy hapus na pan mae'n cael sosegeis mawr yn ei llaw.
Mae'n gofalu'n hwyl a'i dynnu'n ei hwyl.
Pan fyddai'n clywed fy nghymryd sosegeis i'w bwydo, byddai'n clywed yn llwyddo i lawr y stair gyda'i
cymrwyd a'i rhedeg i'r tŷ, yn clappio'r ddau o'i ddynion, a gweithiodd yn wych.
Cynharu,
I love sausages,
byddai'n clapio.
Roedd yn ei ffrasgad.
Mae eich cofnodiad wedi cael ei ddynu, Jim?
Mae'n iawn.
Roedd fy mab yn y bach bach sydd ar eich rhaglen ystod y wythnos.
Roedd ei droi allan ar y stiwdio TV gyda chi yn ddiddorol i mi.
Ac mae'n hyfryd gweld rhwstwr TV yn ffymus fel chi, dod i lawr i'r drws ôl lle roeddech yn fy ngyrchio i'w ddynu. TV studios with you was an absolute delight for me, and how refreshing to see a TV host as famous as yourself
come down to the back entrance where you instructed
me to bring him, and look so
excited about fixing it for him.
I was rather confused when you asked
me if I happened to have a dead relative as well.
That you could bring in.
But maybe you were...
But maybe you were tired and confuddled
after a marathon or something.
And I mean marathon like the run,
not the chocolate, because don't forget
it's the olden days and Snickers are still called marathons.
So why a thank you, Jimmel?
Well, now then, now then, ha ha, another accidental joke.
The reason I wanted to especially thank you
is you have made my life immeasurably more peaceful.
Thing is, between Fraser being so athletic and giddy and healthy all the time
and my husband practising his big bass drums
for when he's doing his job of being a drummer
in a marching band.
My life is pretty exhausting
but since filming your show last week
my son is decidedly different.
Oh, Jim.
It has been glorious.
He has been so quiet.
Not even making eye contact anymore. gym. Mae wedi bod yn wych. Mae wedi bod yn hyffyrdd iawn. Nid oedd yn gwneud cysylltiadau o'i llaw
a'i llwyddo'i hun yn ei ystafell. Mae'n dod allan bob amser, yn ysgwng o'r cwm, sydd, rwy'n credu, o un o'ch cigars ffynhyrch. Mae'r cwm yn ffynhau, mae'n ffynhau, mae'n ffynhau.
Dwi ddim yn meddwl am unrhyw ffordd arall y byddai'n cwm o'r cwm pan ddodod o'i
ystafell. Dwi hefyd hoff i ddiolch i chi oherwydd mae'r obsesiwn o soseg yn ymddangos i fod wedi that he would smell of smoke when he came out of his bedroom. I'd also like to thank you because the sausage obsession
appears to have completely stopped.
I took him up his Tuesday sausage the other day
and he couldn't even look at it.
Thinking about it...
Thinking about it, he might have even flinched.
In fact, the only thing he appears even slightly interested in at the moment
is his action man, which he keeps holding up towards me.
I presume he wants something you'd close for it
as he keeps pointing just below its waist.
Khaki trousers for Christmas, then!
So a great big thank you to you, Jimmy Savile.
You have made my life
a lot easier
and I should also thank you
for the wonderful medallion
badge thing you gave him.
It shames me to say
but he hasn't looked after it.
If it was mine,
I would treasure it
but even before he got back
from the TV studios
he had spilt milkshake
down it or something.
I swear he's a little bugger Jim.
Little bit of big kiss, Mrs Fraser.
P.S. Hang on, I just thought you didn't fucking did you?
Just that last morsel of subtlety that was left,
you just prod it into the ground.
Amazing, mate.
Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble.
So, OK, so all the breakdown things you said to me,
disproved, immediately.
So it's not a breakdown because I wasn't looking at you?
No, my breakdown's about something else. Right, your breakdown's about something else? I do think I've had a genuine breakdown. Do you? Yeah. I mi, fe wnaeth hynny ddim. Felly nid yw'n breit-down oherwydd nad oeddwn i'n edrych aroch chi? Nid, mae'n breit-down am beth arall.
Ie, mae'n breit-down am beth arall.
Rwy'n credu fy mod wedi cael breit-down gwirioneddol.
Ydych chi?
Ie.
Beth mae'n ei ymwneud â hynny?
Dwi ddim yn gallu siarad amdano, mae'n brywed.
Ie.
Ond rwy'n credu fy mod wedi.
Beth?
Nid wyf yn mynd i siarad amdano, ond rydych chi'n gwybod pam.
Nid wyf yn mynd i siarad amdano, ond rwy'n credu bod hynny wedi digwydd yn wirioneddol, ond dydw i ddim yn credu bod y pethau rydych chi'n eu cyflwyno
oherwydd hynny.
Felly pam mae hynny? Ffyn. Ffyn? that has genuinely happened, but I don't think the things that you're bringing up are because of that. Why is it, then?
Fun.
Fun?
Have a bit of fun with your knob out in the living room.
Have a bit of fun telling you about sex and things.
Have a bit of fun...
This is like an awful Butlins advert.
This is...
Come, Butlins, have a bit of fun.
Get your knob out in the living room.
Chuck Spike in the pool.
No one will get that, but that's funny.
It is.
First real company, Spike.
Get your knob out in the living room.
That's your catchphrase sometimes at some gigs, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
You don't get that, but it's funny.
You've been telling me about sex, haven't you?
I have.
Well, it's come about because Ed doesn't know much about sex.
That's a shame. You've been telling me about sex, haven't you? I have. Well, it's come about because Ed doesn't know much about sex. That's a shame.
You've been teaching me all about it.
There's some brilliant science from Ray in the car recently.
Yeah.
I worry that you don't know enough about sex.
We don't speak about sex very much, do we not?
Well, we have been recently.
No, but in terms of...
You certainly are very private and guarded about your intimate relations.
Yeah, it's weird, isn't it?
Yeah.
Weird how private I am about that sort of thing.
Yeah, whereas I'm more likely to go,
hey, do you not want to hear about so-and-so's tits?
Or do you not want to hear the drama?
Yeah, yeah.
Erm, but I will tell you,
but I will educate you about sex, that's true.
Yeah.
Tell you all my experiences and that,
all the stuff that I've done in the past and present day.
Brilliant things, yeah.
All are great, just to keep you up to date.
Ed didn't, by the way,
Ed didn't know anything about lesbians. He didn't know anything about lesbians. Pethau gwych, ie. Olau, gwych. Dim ond i'ch cyrraedd heddiw. Nid oedd Ed yn gwybod unrhyw beth am lesbion.
Nid oedd yn gwybod unrhyw beth am lesbion.
Roeddwn i.
Roedd hyn wedi digwydd...
Roeddwn i'n gyrru.
Roeddwn i'n gyrru ar hyn o bryd.
Yn cynnar Christmas.
Rwy'n llwyr...
Oherwydd pan rwy'n y car fel pwyd, mae'n bob amser y pwyd oedd yn agor y drws a'i llwyr.
Pan rwy'n gyrru, mae gen i'r gyfrif, felly dydw i ddim yn gallu gwneud hynny ar hyn o bryd.
Ond, a'r mynediad yn y cwestiwn... Rwy'n gwybod... Roeddwn i'n gwneud sgwrs gwych, wrth gwrs, so I can't even do it that time. But, and the journey in question,
I always did a brilliant joke, by the way,
where Ed was driving, and he's not been driving very, very long,
and you're not an ultra-confident driver, but you can do it.
No, I'm not, you know, I'm not like,
hey, I'm fucking driving.
I'm not getting the fuck out of my way, I'm ultra-confident.
That's not a brick wall.
That's a challenge.
That's a challenge.
But, so sometimes you get, you know,
you get apprehensive or whatever.
I'll stop for buses.
Yeah, just stop.
Situations happen where you're like,
you're not used to those situations yet.
But to help that, because Ed didn't know where,
we were going to University of East Anglia.
We were on our way back, I think,
when you were telling me about it.
On the way.
On the way.
I was helping your driving.
Yeah, okay, yeah. By going,
oh, that's it, straight ahead.
Oh, lovely. Oh,
turn left here. Oh, marvellous.
Marvellous. Jimmy Savosatnav
ahead for the whole fucking journey.
Or as I like to call it, Savnav.
Which you
literally didn't find
funny at any point. No.
So imagine this, it was two and a half hours of him doing that
and me not reacting to it in any way.
Oh, marvellous.
I mean, I didn't find it funny then, I don't find it funny now.
It's making me angry.
And you're not even driving.
I'm not even driving.
Oh, marvellous.
Left. Oh, take a left.
Yeah, but also the thing that was
really annoying is the directions that he
was doing weren't corresponding.
So not only
was it in a Jimmy Savile voice,
we were on the fucking motorway and you're going
turn left.
I'm going, I fucking will
in a minute and I'll kill everyone else in that
fucking picnic area.
So, that night I told you about lesbians.
Yeah, no, that was on the way back
and I'll tell you exactly what...
That was two and a half hours on the way back
you were telling me about lesbians.
Fine, fine.
Because...
Well, what have you learned?
I've learned exactly what lesbians do
in minute detail.
Specifically when one of them is Lady Sovereign.
You like Lady Sovereign?
Yeah, I unironically enjoy the work of Lady Sovereign.
But I didn't want to know what she'd be like in a...
Well, I think we found out...
Yeah, you did.
No, I didn't want to know what she'd be like in a lesbian situation.
And I didn't know they got up to some of those things.
Well, anyway, yesterday I was telling you all about sex
because Ed has never had sex with a lady.
Well, OK, well, I have, but...
I had to explain to him about how it all works.
And basically, I was explaining to him,
I don't know if you've heard of a vagina.
But I was telling him...
This was all news to me, a vagina.
I was telling him about...
We started with the basics.
I was telling him about my favourite bits. the basics. Talking about my favourite bits.
Yeah.
Clitoris, both agreed on that.
Yeah.
In fact, no, I told you what my favourite bit was,
and this is what led to the discovery.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
Because we weren't sure.
You said, what's your favourite bit of a vagina?
This was from Silence, by the way.
There was no build-up to that.
It was, what's your favourite bit of a vagina?
So that's how our friendships go.
It just goes from crushing awkward silence to best bits.
Yeah.
Right?
You said clitoris.
You put your answer in first.
And that's when I knew the question wasn't to start a discussion.
It was just so you could say you like the clitoris question.
And then I said...
Is that even part of a vagina?
Well, that's what...
You said that.
And then I came up with an even more divisive part of the vagina.
Yeah.
It's more an aspect.
I said wetness.
Yeah.
You said wetness.
Which is...
And he doesn't even know what that is.
So I had to explain...
He doesn't.
He doesn't just say it.
He just said it.
I thought, oh, it might be wet sometimes.
I meant in the shower.
I had no idea what was going on.
He has just heard about it from someone, so I had to tell him what happens
when you get a lady from the audience back to your hotel.
For example, and you are kissing and cuddling and that,
and eventually, sooner or later,
I know you've heard this now, but I'll tell you again.
Sooner or later, they get more intimate
and you might get to touch nearby downstairs.
And one of the
ways you can tell
This is when you know it's going to be
a sexy bit with Ray because he goes
mmm every time.
Is if there is a degree of wetness.
And people
in sex
just go along with that.
That's the name of your new erotic novel isn't it? Degree of wetness. People just go along with that. That's the name of your new erotic novel, isn't it?
Degree of Wetness.
People just go along with that,
never questioning where does that come from and why.
So I'll explain to Ed what actually happens.
Yeah, because I've always wanted to know why does it come from.
Right.
And we're speaking specifically about the mucus in the vagina.
So, basically... Actually, that's the name of my new black metal band. am y mucus yn y fagina. Felly, yn y bôn...
Yn wir, dyna enw fy mhroed meffel newydd.
Dyma'r hyn a ddweud wrth fy modd.
Ie, mae'r car...
Yn amlwg, bydd llawer ohonoch yn gwybod hyn.
Mae'r ddyn yn aros.
Bydd hi'n cael lles yn y chyflaith.
Mae rhywun sy'n gwneud gwylio'r peth.
Mae rhywun sy'n gwneud gwylio'r peth yn ei gyffredinu.
Sori, gadewch.
Felly, ydych chi'n dweud eich bod gyda ddyn
a'i bod wedi cael ei aros ac mae hi wedi dweud, gadewch, mae gen i bwpio rhywfaint o blasio arno. Dwi'n dweud ei fod wedi cael hynny o'r blaen. of makeup, it accentuates that. Sorry, hang on. So are you saying that you've been with a woman where you've got her aroused and she's gone, hang on,
I've just got to pop some blusher on?
I'm saying that they've got that already.
Right, okay. The mucus starts in the brain.
It comes about
from behind the eyes.
You probably know that you
get tears in the eyes if you're upset, for example,
or happy with joy. But the mucus behind the eyes
is similar sort of wetness, but
it's a bigger consistency.
And it comes from
seeing or thinking something sexually arising.
And the mucus basically then, it goes
back, it drips down.
Drips down. So hang on, does it
drip, so the lady's body is hollow,
it drips right? Oh no,
no, they are twists and turns.
Because the mucus comes down, down the throat.
That's why it's often why,
very rarely during sexual activity with a lady,
will she get thirsty.
And then it goes round what?
Is that true?
Because I've been in that situation
and I've had to nip off her a cup of tea quite a lot.
A lie.
A lie.
A lie, right, OK.
Then it goes in what we call the buster spiral,
which is, if you didn't mind, I don't know this,
but inside a lady's bosom or buster, there are...
It's like...
It's basically like...
It's like a coiled-up, like, garden hose.
Right.
Inside it.
Like a novelty straw?
Yeah.
Right, OK.
And the mucus goes down that.
It fills it up, makes the bosom swell.
And also at the end, it fills a little bit of the end,
which pops the nipple out.
That's why that sometimes happens.
When you say it makes the bosom swell,
you mean in size.
It doesn't just make it.
That makes the bosom swell.
Bit of both.
Bit of both.
Bit of both.
And then, so it fills them up.
That's fine.
That's fine.
It just, that's fine. That's fine?
It just, it drops down.
Some people think it goes in your tummy, it doesn't.
Right, no.
It's a different tube.
It doesn't make them hungry.
No, there's a different tube behind that called the spinal column.
And the mucus goes down the spinal column and basically splodges into the family.
So it just goes...
Yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
In there, yeah.
Yeah, straight down.
Oh, sort of like the film Flubber.
Very similar.
Right, let's go.
Now, I don't know if you know this,
but ladies on their tuppence have...
I won't use the medical term, but I like to call them shutters.
They've got shutters on the inside.
Shutters on the inside, yeah.
And folders on the outside.
Folders on the outside.
Right?
Now, they protect the mucus from falling on the kitchen floor.
Can I...
Just...
I'm imagining it like...
Stop me if I'm... Stop me if I'm wrong, Doctor.
But I'm...
I'm almost imagining the shutters like a saloon door.
Very similar, yeah.
But is it a two-way system?
No.
It's more like a valve?
Yeah.
Just flop open.
They flop open?
They flop open when the pressure gauge that's inside it...
OK, is it like when Paul Merton decides
that something's got to go in room 101?
Right, OK.
But it's very important not to get any mucus on the kitchen floor.
Yeah, I know.
I know that's what you fixated on now, right.
And it's kind of like a stopcock,
where the mucus hits that, that pulls that.
So there's a winch system.
Yeah.
Opens the shutters and the folders.
And it just...
And then it fills up a little...
It's like a little bottle here called a pancreas.
And it fills that with mucus.
And that's why when you're doing Sex With A Lady,
you're like, oh, come on, come on.
Yeah.
Because you're trying to...
What you're trying to do...
Yeah.
You're trying to tip...
Tip the pancreas.
Yeah.
And get the mucus...
To come over the...
In the area.
That all happens.
You put your knob in it and have it off.
Pickle can gamble.
Pickle can gamble.
What are you doing? Your birth?
Yeah, well, Merry Christmas, everyone.
And what is Christmas if not the most amazing birth of them all?
Or is it?
A couple of births here.
First, I'll do the one...
This is the one that everyone's been sending me.
I'll let you just read it as it is. Make of it what you will.
Right. You may have heard about this.
A 63-year-old woman
became pregnant with 12 baby squid
after eating calamari, according to
a claim in a biotech report.
What's biotech? What's that mean?
Exactly, exactly. You don't know about it, so it is true.
You're like,
look, I'll read you the full headline.
Women 63 becomes
pregnant in the mouth with baby
squid. Pregnant in the mouth?
Pregnant, mouth pregnant.
Imagine that, mate.
How long is that last one?
Walk my right lap all day.
With baby squid after eating calamari.
Bullshit.
What do you mean bullshit?
It's squid spunk is what it is, mate.
No, but when, then, what, so she has to keep that,
she has to bring that pregnancy to term in her mouth.
Look, let's, let's.
So she can't talk for nine months or however long it is.
Let's, let's listen to the rest of the story
and then let's decide.
A woman was eating when she felt a prickling
sensation in her mouth.
She was chewing sperm sacs
which forcefully shoot sperm.
Sperm in the turn try to embed
themselves when they land.
Does anyone want to go for dinner after this?
But have no fear in the West.
The squid's internal organs are generally removed
before serving, so don't worry if you're eating some
lovely squid over here. The real-life
Octomum from South Korea was eating
a portion of cooked whole squid when she felt
a sharp pain in her mouth. Didn't happen.
What do you mean it didn't happen? I'm not... Well, she didn't
get mouth-pugnant from it. I'm not saying that she didn't
have a spunky mouth from squids. Yeah, but
then she gave birth to eight baby
squids. No, she spat out the spunk, is what happened.
No, the spunk gestated
and made into baby squids.
How quick do squids come to term?
In the time you would chew some fucking calamari?
Yes, definitely.
Does anybody know anything about squids?
How long does a squid get pregnant for?
Exactly.
They embedded themselves
in her mouth and gums.
So they weren't just sitting in there.
They were all burrowed away there,
like in a lovely old sleeping bag.
But wait, no, listen.
No, but wait.
She did not swallow the portion.
But, OK, see, we can have a bit of fun with science.
Right, listen.
But spat it out immediately.
She complained of a prickling and foreign body sensation
in the oral cavity. Right, you tell me now, right, when, no. But spat it out immediately. Right, stop. She complained of a prickling and foreign body sensation in the oral cavity.
Right, you tell me now, right, when a baby's born, a normal baby, right?
When a baby is born.
Nice.
How does that happen?
Right.
What happens?
Mummy and Daddy, right?
Okay.
That's important.
Yeah.
Mummy and Daddy.
And another man who watches.
Yeah, fine.
Right? But you need, like, eggs from the lady and sperm from the man. Eggs, fine. Right? But you need
eggs from the lady and sperm from the man.
Eggs? Whatever. Shut the fuck up.
Listen,
all that's happened there is she's got
squid spunk in her mouth. Yeah.
That won't then make a baby. Listen, listen, mate.
Right. Is it a half-tooth,
half-squid baby?
Wow, that would be amazing, wouldn't it?
Twelve small, white, spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms
stuck in the mucous membrane of the tongue, cheek and gingerbread.
Why did you think this was all right?
Were completely removed.
Why did you think a boy being fucked by Jimmy Savile was all right?
I never said that it happened.
Oh, just at the end you went...
Anyway, she spat out a load of octopus babies.
So, that's that.
So, there's Nick there.
Sort of like Jesus,
but like calamari mouth Jesus.
It's Christmassy.
It is calamari mouth Jesus.
Get on board.
I'm going to get a tattoo of that.
It's done there in Latin.
I'm going to get a big crucifix with a squid hung on it.
And a big halo of calamari.
I thought you were getting,
you said you were getting Naughty Keith as a tattoo.
I was thinking about getting Naughty Keith's tattoo
bursting out of my chest,
like he's ripped out with his heart in my mouth,
with my heart in his mouth.
And it says piss above it.
I might get the
blues brothers?
I also wanted to get
a piece of cartoon ham
with the smell
fumes from the cartoon ham
going across the other arm
and then a boy smelling it.
Right,
anyway mate,
a Nigerian woman's
given birth to a fucking horse.
I just rattled through this, not much time We'll just gallop through this, here we go
A woman purportedly gave birth to a foal, brackets horse-like creature
Otherwise known as a baby horse
On Tuesday at the World Liberation Ministry on the old Benin Sapple Road...
Oh, she did it as a big show?
No, she didn't do it as a big show, mate.
That's not how it worked. She was in the audience, whatever they call it.
The strange creature, which threw the church members into panic,
had died by the time journalists visited the church
following the strange occurrence.
And been burnt. No evidence at all of it ever happening.
There's a picture of it on the internet. Go and look at it for yourselves.
I do not want to spoil your entire Christmas by showing it to you.
He did say to me, he did text me last night saying that,
what was it, he said the picture, was that that one?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it made me feel sick.
The identity of the woman is yet to be known,
but some church members said she started screaming during the prayer session
and began bleeding from her private parts
just before the foal-like creature emerged.
I like the idea of it emerging
because it makes me think of a little
cartoon horse going, hey guys!
And I like this, this is evangelist Silver Wealth,
his full title is
Silver Wealth,
amazing, he's
clearly a rip-off merchant without a name, isn't he?
His full title is
General Overseer of the Church.
No specific admin, he's just there going,
everything seems to be going all right.
Oh, there's a woman just pissed out a horse.
I think the horse was already under the pew.
You thought she dragged in a big, wet, bleeding horse baby...
Possibly.
..and popped it under the pew?
I think that's more plausible that she gave birth to it.
Well, then surely there'd be loads of women on planes
saying they'd given birth to life jackets.
According to him,
as prayers intensified,
the woman started screaming and began to
bleed and eventually gave birth to the creature.
Evangelist Welth said he could not confirm
whether the creature was dead or alive because he did not
go near it.
Oh no, I'm not going near that, mate.
Leave it there, let it get on with it.
Oh, I like Marie Texas Jones, I'm not going near it.
I can't describe this, is Evangelist's wealth.
I can't describe the object.
We have seen people vomit several times during the service.
This is amazing, actually.
I've not read this quote.
You've not read it?
I've not read this quote.
We have seen people vomit several things during our service,
but not this type of thing.
A woman chucked
up a toaster last week, but we've
never seen a fanny horse as
long as I've lived. God has been
blessing our ministry with prophecies and miracles.
I don't know whether
it's a prophecy because they're going to try and train it up and
enter it in the Grand National, but they can't. It's fucked.
The woman was reported to have
gone for a medical check-up when journalists visited,
just as elders and leaders of the church's host
community,
were said to have launched an investigation
into the bizarre development.
That adds amazing births
for another year.
Fucking horse.
Horse in a church.
Horse in a church.
Horse in a church.
Thank you very much
I'm in a gamble
Have a great peak up
Goodnight
Goodnight
There we go, that was a special Peacock and Gamble podcast.
It was performed by myself, Ray Peacock,
with my little friend, Ed Gamble.
What a lovely little face he has got.
And it's also hosted by Chorzall.co.uk.
All the music was by, oh, several people, wasn't it?
It was Ty Glewis with some of it,
Thomas van der Eyde with some of it,
a bit of Frank Sidebottom in there.
A lovely updated top of the pops
without any of the nasty business.
Don't forget, our show is at the Surrey Theatre,
the live podcast, on the 3rd of April.
That's this Wednesday coming,
and you can get tickets for that on 0207 478 0100.
If you've listened to this and enjoyed it,
and you think you should give something back,
then you definitely should if you can get down there.
Also, please check peacandGamble.com
for all the live dates that are coming up
our tour is drawing to a close
and we have three nights at the Sao Paulo Theatre
to round it off lovely
and that's the last time you can see Peacock and Gamble
don't even want to be on telly anyway so please come and see that
even if you've seen it already
I bet loads of it will be different
we'll see you soon, bye bye
what's this week's food?
There isn't one.
I can't think of a food anymore.
Mate, you can pull a food out of the bag later.
Cornetto.
Right.
What's the movie?
I'm a Cornetto!
Put the sharpened in your bum and let the cat lick it.
Oh, you like that idea?
Eating the cat.
Get a chocolate one with a nut on the end.
Eat it at the swimming pool.
Have it as a boat for a bit.
Put the cornetto in his wrapper,
in the swimming pool,
have it as a boat.
Get any end of the swimming pool. Get all your friends to push the water. Cornetto yn ei rapper, yn y pwll swym, mae'n cael ei fod yn bwyll, gael un pwyll swym arall,
gael eich ffrindiau i ddynnu'r dŵr,
gadael ar y dyn â'ch llaw,
pan fydd Cornetto yn dod atoch chi.
Mae'n fel Titanic gyda'r dynnau.
Mae Cornetto yma!
Gwant!
Ie, Cornetto. Cornetto, pe. Blancus! Porneto.