The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: The Ray Peacock Podcast Episode 50

Episode Date: January 12, 2020

"The Ray Peacock Podcast Episode 50" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 51 of 128.

Welcome to the Road Peacock Podcast Episode 50. Whoa. Took forever and a day. Yeah. Nearly about that. Nearly two years. Yeah. Hi, I'm Road Peacock.

Hello, I'm here with little Raj James. He's been a sensible round it. Hello. Hello, Raj. How are you? I'm very well, thank you. Is that Raj? You're not.

I think it is. I just touched him. It is him. Oh, it's horrible. Careful, that doesn't work. More a slap than a touch, but yeah. That was a lovely touch. Do it again, Ed.

Touch it. That's it. No, no, no. Keep touching it. Have a nice touch, man. We started too hard too early. That other fat voice laughing, that is Big Fat Ed Gamble, I can call you again now. Yay, hooray.

I had to stop calling it for a bit, because you got sensitive about it. Did I? I just didn't know about this. Ed was having a psychological treatment for being called Big Fat Ed Gamble. Aw. Oh, thanks for your contribution.

I mean, some of us would have thought that maybe after two years, you would have come back with something to say. You guys would just come and go, aw, and then just sit there quietly like you're going to come back with something to say you can't just come in and go ah and then just sit there quietly like you're watching it I think mental health

issues aren't something you should ridicule and if Ed's been struggling oh brilliant Raji has been off and had a conversation with Mary Whitehouse

why? I can't say that she's a porn star oh yeah no you're right Raji yeah no Raji is right he has brought his

Raji fact of the week, which is that Mary Whitehouse is, of course, a porn star. Yeah, she is, yeah. What sort of porn did she do, Raji?

I don't know. Black and white stuff. Black on white, yeah. No. As in... Yeah, she did black on white. Not in colour. Black and white.

Black and white porn? I don't think I've ever seen black and white porn. What was... Who's the woman that... It was like a big porn film that came out and it was... Well no, it was her big film was Mary Whitehouse's

White House, where it was a house full of white women and then obviously the black plumber comes round and they all go, ooh, I've never seen a black man before and he dicks all of them in a line. He double dicks someone. I don't know how he done that. He only had one knob, Roger, and he double

dicked him. I don't understand how that could be done. Like a kebab. Right, there's a man, right? Comes in and he's got, you know a knob? Yeah. Right, imagine a knob on a man. Yeah. Yeah, get imagining it.

Get it in your head nice. Oh, right in your head. No, I'm not going to get a black man's knob in my head, no. How do you know, Rog? You can't rule that out. Lots of things have happened to you that we wouldn't have thought would have happened yeah well but I think

that would be very very low down we can't rule out we can't rule out Raj you'd get a black man would have his knob in your head

what happens if you trip over and there's a black man lying there with his knob out just sunbathing having it cleaned

yeah and you trip over and you go oh no and as you say oh no it goes right in your head

and knowing you're right out the back with your brain on the end of it. Because your head isn't as hard in certain bits from your scars, remember? No, it's fine. So if his knob gets hard, which it would, imagine when he saw you, the man off the telly. Oh look, there's the man off the telly,

I've got my knob out, I've had it cleaned and now it's gone all hard. And now the man has tripped over and the knob has gone in my mouth. In his mouth. And then gone out the soft bit of his head like a baby where it's not healed over properly. Since it was from a scar from a Ford transit van. It wasn't. I think

it was a post office van. Roger got run over when he was a baby. Or lorry. Post office lorry. A post office lorry? Yeah. It was a big thing. Well, bigger than you, but you were a baby. Well, I was fine. It wasn't a toy car, was it, Roger? No. Did this happen when you were at home with your brother and that? Did he just throw

a little toy car at you? No. And over the years you've exaggerated it. I got run over. I got run over by a post office plane. No, that is, no. You never told us that before. I was crossing an open, what's it called?

Road. An entrance to a garage. Like a petrol station? No, like a car park type garage sort of thing. A car park? No, it was, you know, like where they, a garage as in where they work on cars. Oh, right, I see, a mechanic's garage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it was the bit at the front of that. Why did you say car park in the middle of that? Because it was the bit where they parked all the stuff they were working on. Cars, cars it would have been. Well, and apparently this lorry. Oh, so the lorry's been worked on? I think so. I don't...

But that's the type of place it was. It was like an industrial unit place. And I walked across... He said unit. ...across the entrance of that. And this thing came out and hit me. Where was your parent? And then dragged me.

They were at work. So you were walking about on your own as a baby? Well, I was walking from my school to my brother's school. Five. And you were out just wandering the streets. Bet you had bare feet as well, didn't you? And you're carrying your lunch in a bin doll. Yeah, I bet.

In a what? I bet you had your school books, but they were just in a belt. And you were like swinging them about like Pinocchio. I think I was probably too young to have school books. Oh, too young to have school books, but not too young to get run over by a truck. No. But he meant to have rolled you away. Where would you live again school books, but not too young to get run over by a truck. No. But he meant to roll your way. Where would you live again?

This was in Slough. You haven't even said hello yet, Roger. I did say hello. You haven't even said hello. I welcomed you. You didn't even bother to say hello. I did say hello. Again, we're here with little Roger James.

You'd be on a tennis but ruined it. Bo Shuda. Right, that's not a hello, is it? That's a Jabba the Hutt impression. How was that Jabba the Hutt? You can't say hello by saying Bo-Shooter. That's ridiculous. This is going to be an absolute...

This could be rubbish, this. Welcome to the show. Not at that for a while. That little do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Do you know a fact about that, Raji? What is it? It's something...

Because you've already told us something we didn't know like the time that the black man put his knob in your mouth what about Mary White I was his porn film

what's it called are you thinking of Mary Millington yeah that's the name the famous 70s porn star yes that was the one

I was thinking of there was never black and white there no but I think I've seen black and white pictures of the posters or something and that might be

why I thought maybe it's just because you've got a shit telly. No, maybe it's because you have old internet. Oh, have you seen Die Hard, black and white film? Yeah, black and white one,

that one. So 70s, so in the 70s I would have had a black and white telly. I don't think porn would have been on the telly, would you? No, but if there'd been

a news article or something it would have been in black and white and that's why the image would have been in my head. Because that's the thing I will remember, isn't it? Right.

Although they do say you don't remember things in colour. How do you even know? How do you even know that you see colours?

How do you know that? No I don't know because I know I do but I also know that different people see different colours. How do you know that?

Because it's like a spectrum isn't it? Say someone's colour blind and there's someone else who isn't colour blind. The one who's colour blind right? And then there's someone else who isn't colourblind. Yeah, the one who's colourblind won't see the colours and the one who...

Yeah, between them. No, he is doing facts. What distinguishes someone from being colourblind is just that they're at the extreme end. This what? This what is then? This distinguishes... Distinguishes, yeah.

Someone who's colourblind. It's because they're at the extreme end of that. So if you see green is red or whatever, I don't know what the thing is. Yeah, no. But it's best not to try and understand them, Roger. Someone who believes that they see normal colours. There's lots of variations.

Yeah, and then there's you who sees black and white like a cat. Is it cats? Cats see in black and white. Dogs as well. I thought it was dogs. Yeah, but how do we know that? Because it's private access, isn't it? You can't climb inside a dog's head. No, because of the build-up of the...

I bet you found a cupboard and you go inside and see out a dog's eyes, knowing your luck. Everyone else gets John Malkovich, A-list star, and you get a dog. No, it's because of how many cones and... Oh, what? Cylinders.

Cones and cylinders. Can you turn down the racism, please? Oh, it's straight... It's all running straight in with this. Oh, it depends if it's cones. Yeah. Cones. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that, Raji.

Goodness me. It's all running straight in with this. Oh, it depends if it's cones. Yeah. Cones. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that, Raji. Goodness me. It's absolutely deplorable the way you're behaving yourself today. Is it prisms and cones that you have at the back of your eye? I don't know, Raji. I can't see the back of my eye because my eye faces the front. How does somebody look at the back of their eye? They can't, you great big wally. Raji, you are a nutter.

You are a nutter, mate. You're off your head. It's like he's come in and he has had a knee. He should be driving in this state, right? But if you were dead and they cut your eye open... Oh, Roger. Why would they do that? It's for scientific experiments.

What? To find out how things work. What, you're saying that they'd have to wait till I die? Why could they not use specific... You're saying they've never looked in an eye before. No, but that's how they... They're all the same, Roger. That's how they would have looked in an eye. And you'd wait until I die. Why can't they wait you specifically? You say they've never looked in an eye before. No, but that's how they would have looked. They're all the same, Raji.

That's how they would have looked in an eye. And you'd wait until you have a dead person. You'd look in another person's eye. You'd look in a dead person's eye. Yeah, selfish. Or selfish.

Or, Raji, pull your eye out, right, and just stretch it round to this side on the string and have a look at it like that.

You could do that. No, because I think it's the bit that's actually behind the eye. Or is it the bit inside the eye? Pull your right eye out. We'll pull both eyes out. No, I'm not going to pull my the eyeball? Pull your right eye out. We'll pull both eyes out.

No, I'm not going to pull my eyes out. Pull your right eye out. Pull it out as far as it goes. Don't let go of it and go back in like a funny joke. Right?

And then with your left eye, just look across at the back of it. But do you mean it's inside the head a bit? Yeah, I think it's... Well, what you need to do then, Raji, is take both your eyes out,

then take one of the eyes and put the front of it in the socket of the other one. Put it in back to front. And then put the other one in like that. And then you are looking inside your own head

but don't do that if you're passing a garage because you might get run over by a post office is that what was happening no I wasn't taking my eye out but I wasn't

paying attention probably some people say when they're having operations on their eyes they do take the eye out they take the eye out and put it on the cheek and you can see downwards

my grandma always claimed that she had cataracts operations and she always claimed it. Yeah, my nan's the same. Your nan's the same? Not that she's the same gran as yours, because that would be silly,

but she had an eye operation and she talks about the fact that they took the eye out and put it on her cheek. Whoa, whoa, hang on, just go back. Why is my gran silly?

No, your gran's not silly. You're having a go. You went, well, my gran's not yours. That would be silly. No, but it would be silly as if you've got a better ground. Yeah.

No. Who hasn't got a better ground? Let's do ground top jumps. Right. No. How many cataracts did your ground have? I don't know. One, I think.

Yeah, well, my ground had two. Right, there you go. I'm winning that. Right, that's your card. One nil. Right. You asked me one back now. No, but technically, that'd be one nil to me because cataract is a flaw.

Right. So you'd lose points. Raji, number of jumpers knitted my gran who's now passed away loads how has your nan

died loads no she only died once but no you just made a very bold claim yeah my nan who's passed away

loads no loads as in how many times how many times did your one pass away he's trying to win the death

he's trying to win nan deaths here yeah I see well how many did she knit Raji How many times? How many times did you all pass away? He's trying to win the deaf, isn't he? He's trying to win non-deafs here. Yeah, I see. How many did she knit, Raji? Oh, I couldn't tell you. Loads and loads and loads. No, loads isn't a number. You've got to give a number. Well, I'd say at least four or five for each grandchild. How many grandchildren does she have?

About 12. About 12? Yeah. And she did how many for each one? Four or five. I'd say four or five. 48, maybe 50. Well, guess what? How many my nan did?

How many? 84,000. A week. Right. Each for all the grandchildren. And there were 70 grandchildren. I have a slight suspicion. I have won.

I have won that. You've won that. That might not be true, though. No, that is one. Right. Who is the fastest runner out of the grands? Yeah, that's a good one. My one.

Probably your one. Yeah, all right. I don't know. That's three won, innit? Yeah. And it was first to three. Okay. I won the nans. Thank, that's a good one. My one. Probably your one. Yeah, alright. I don't know. So that's three one, isn't it? Yeah. And it was first to three. Okay. I won the Nans.

Thank you very much. Well done, mate. Thank you. Congratulations. Raji's Nans didn't win. My Nan won it. So there's another thing I've won. The point of the matter was

that music. Did it, did it, did it? Yeah. Found out last night it's got a name. Oh. Never knew that. Never ever knew it.

But I put it in onto my computer because I'd lost it. I couldn't find it I found the disc put it into my computer and when it came on iTunes when it checked the names and the grace note thing

is it called yeah it's got a name and what is the name it's called the cat that got the cream that is genuinely true and it's the cat

the cat the cream there you go and that's that okay that is nice he doesn't care about anything anymore

end of an era end of an era end of an era Raji which one now that era Victorian that era you've ended yeah why have I ended the era

can I say a few words about it well you finally brought the bill to its knees the bill is now finished I don't think I had anything to do with that this time you did hold on a minute were you in the bill yeah

has the bill been axed yeah but many right we take that as coincidence there were many years in between the two events it doesn't matter... Right, we're saying that's a coincidence, isn't it? There were many years in between the two events. It doesn't matter how many years it was, Raji. It's like HIV, isn't it? You can have it for ages.

And for a long time. Don't mention HIV. Raji's friend, Mark Fowler. Sorry about Mark, Raji. Mark Fowler died, didn't he? Sorry about Mark Fowler dying twice. He died on the bill as well. Did he?

Yeah, and what's the common thing there? Yeah. Raji. Raji. Raji was on the bill. Raji was on his tenders. Yeah. Mark Farley died on his tenders from AIDS and then went on the bill

and jumped off a building. Yeah. Right. Because of you, Raji. No, I think it's because of the script writers, probably. No, it's like life on Mars. He died in his tenders of AIDS and then woke up

and he was a policeman in the 90s. It's true. And then jumped off the building at the end. I was gutted, mate. I saw... This morning was on. I'd been up all night one day and I saw this morning was on and wes and then jumped off the building at the end I was gutted mate I saw this morning was on I've been up all night one day

and I saw this morning was on and we've got some stars of the build past and present I was like oh come on surely

surely and on it came no Raji Reg was there oh was he yeah Jeff was on he was actually quite subdued on it

I watched it because I thought there was a decent chance of him doing something ridiculous but he didn't he didn't mention

you though no did they mention because last night Jeff had gone decent chance of him doing something ridiculous. But he didn't. He didn't mention you, though. No, not at all. Did they mention? Because last night Jeff had gone to America and was doing some films. He said that very quickly. Did he? He said that very early on. Well, that's good.

What's the film? I don't know. Is it a Reg spin-off? I saw him before he went out to do it. Right. How is Jeff? Is he well? I haven't spoken to him since then. Is that when I saw you?

It was that day when I bumped into you in town, yeah. Yeah, I got to have a drink in town with Reg off the bill and Raji off the bill. I look like quite the cool dude. I've been in that scenario before. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like it's

going to be better than it actually is in the end. Okay, well then, no mention of you. But then I thought, okay, fine. The final episode of the bill was on, I watched a bit of it,

it was fine. And then it was Looking Back at the Bill. The Bill Remembers. Oh, okay. The Bill Remembers. Oh, well then, come on. Raji was, he was the brown one of the bill was on I watched a bit of it it was fine and then it was looking back at the bill the bill remembered oh okay the bill remembered oh well then come on Raji was he was the brown one

in the bill so surely I think there were others surely there's a bit of Raji in it nothing man no literally not in the background

nothing well I was mostly in the background when I was there yeah well you weren't in this one no they wrote you out of history but then again

Reg was hardly in it either they did a retrospective of the bill and he was hardly in it he was hardly in it that is ridiculous yeah not in it very much at did a retrospective of the bill and he was hardly in it. He was hardly in it. That is ridiculous. Yeah, not in it very much at all. The other, um, Fingender Woman were on it.

Uh, Quinan and Paige. Eh? June Ackland. Yes, that's her. Oh, June. Oh, right, okay. She was in it. I thought you meant Andy Paul and, um...

Cuthbert, Dibble and Grop. Lisa Kagan. This is a brilliant section. Raji tries to remember characters from the book. I'm trying to remember the actors' names. Come on, well, as a challenge, let's see tries to remember characters with the bit. I'll try to remember the actors' names. Come on. Well, as a challenge, let's see how many characters with the bit. And you can't make them up.

We'll be able to do it. Just keep... The actors. You can have either one, but you can't have both. So you can't go the character and the actor. You can either have the character or the actor. Okay. As many as you can.

That counts as one, yeah. Starting now. Go. Okay, you've got Smithy. One. He's got one. Brilliant. Not bad. That, you've got Smithy. One. He's got one. Brilliant. Not bad, that, was it?

Sorry, Raji. Puff Crier. No, your time has finished, Raji. You didn't say it was a time. Your time has finished. Raji, after that round of naming as many characters as you can, you've got a Grand Teller one. You didn't even mention your own character, you nosy fucker.

So, Raji. Yes. I wouldn't normally ask you what you've been to be. So, Raji. Yes. I would normally ask you, what have you been up to? Right. It's been too long, really, and it's been like two years, so far too long to ask you that

and for you to condense everything into two years. Okay. And it'd be especially unfair, given that I actually know now you've already done it. I've done what? Because I got, you know,

just before you arrived this morning, did you see that bike that was going away? That was a courier from the publishers. Right? First off, very excited that you're alive second off very excited because they're going oh brand new series of the ray peacock podcast 50 episodes they went right and i'm going no no no and this is the publishers and they're going no roger told us i'm like a little shit it's a one-off right and they went anyway you might want this and i went

what's that and they give me a parcel right open it up and it's either the off right and they went anyway you might want this and I went what's that and they give me a parcel open it up and it's either the next chapter of your autobiography or the new volume right I've not decided yet

and so I'm going to I feel we're all very excited yeah courier right is that the thing that's thrown you is that the bit

you don't get a courier are you sat there going well I have written my autobiography but I didn't know a courier would have it I don't know how a courier would have you sat there going, well, I have written my autobiography, but I didn't know Courier would have it. I don't know how Courier would have got it.

Well, where is it? Have you been writing your autobiography? No. Clearly not. God, I'd fucking laugh if you had. That would be ridiculous. No, it would be hilarious. I'd like to read it.

I would read it in one sitting. Yeah. Well, anyway, here is the latest instalment of Raj's autobiography, which, of course, we've done. It was an audio book as well that you recorded beautifully. Yeah. very true. Every now and again, one of them comes up on the iTunes shuffle in the car and I have to pull over with Raji reading it and I actually go, God, that was out of order. God, that was unkind. We made him say that. And you just read it out

like a wally. Anyway, here is your latest entry for your autobiography. You ready, Raji? Yeah. Anyway, here is your latest entry for your autobiography. You ready, Raji? Yeah. Raji's autobiography. Ha ha ha, look at my knees. They are like elbows, but on my legs. I've never even noticed the one on that side before.

It is like a muffin. Oh. Oh God, are you still there? I've been waiting for a new chapter all this time. I can't believe I didn't see you, and I've started even my contact lenses in all the time, even when I'm asleep, just in case I need to read something important in a dream. Right. Hold on there. Well, I had better

get a move on with chapter whatever it is of my autobiography. Or maybe it's just the start of a second volume of it, like Jay Goody's one. But much shorter, like Jay Goody's one. So, what the shit have I been fucking up to? I hear you cunts asking me.

Well, first up, I have started swearing since I've married out of my religion. I don't like the swearing. Yes, big news. I have done getting married a little bit and this time it might even work. What do you mean this time? I wasn't married before.

The mail order bride company have been a bit rubbish in the past. Like the time What do you mean this time? I wasn't married before. The Mail Order Bride Company have been a bit rubbish in the past. Like the time they sent me that mental witch. Or the Irish man called Cliff. But this time they sent me a right good one. So I married that quick. On a farm or something in Wales. It's in a beautiful house.

It wasn't Wales. It was somewhere like that. I am super, super grateful for her being with me. And I'm super, super sorry about the sex I try. Anyway, come on. I am late for a pizza I am cooking in an oven. What you want to hear about is my career. Because you might remember that the last time I wrote my book,

it was a shitting tip. The book? Oh, I see. Well, don't worry about my career now. It is going absolutely brilliantly, unless you are after me for child maintenance. Because at long last, the powers that be at the films have decided to make West is West, the sequel to East is East, which I think I was in.

Oh, it is going to be amazing to be back with Jimmy Mystery and meet Ray Pantacki, Pooja and Gus. We used to have such a good laugh out loud on the set and do some brilliant acting in Northern. And breaking news, I also had a rumour that I am going to be the brown one on Strictly Come Dancing this year. So how about that for a treat? Oh, it will be just like the olden days, although I don't mean we will have to pay for food with coupons

or drive a bike with a massive wheel at the front and a tiny one at the back. I mean I will be back famous, in the films again, 50 foot eye on the cinema screen again and a big telly celebrity doing dancing about and all the people clapping and shouting rajee rajee rajee oh hang on there's the phone it is probably my agent barry with news about it hold on a sec and that's how they found it the last chapter of your autobiography what do you I don't know, Kenneth Williams is one, isn't it? Yeah. Of his diary.

That's literally how it ended. Yeah, that's how they found it. Yeah, they just went and... Just found the last chapter and that was... Oh, I'm really confused. You've gone to phone to find out, probably had bad news from then. Oh, did I die then?

Is that what you're saying? Yes, Roger, that's what I'm saying. So in your autobiography, you mention this West is West. People might think it's a joke about the sequel to East is East, but that's official, Raji. No, but that is an official film, but I'm not in it. I know and know you're not. Of course you're not in it.

You're not going to be in it, are you, Raji? I mean, you've only just noticed you sneaked in the first one. But my picture's in it, though. Your picture's in you've only just noticed she sneaked in the first one she's got my pictures in it though your pictures in what? there's a picture of me in the film in the new one? yeah

oh he's back back on top is there really a picture of you? yeah in the original film there was portraits up on the wall in the living

room okay and when we finished the film we all got to keep our portrait we all got to keep our portrait. We all got given it by the people. Oh, that's nice.

That's a nice reminder. I think they needed it as a prop because they were trying to reconstruct the living room. So do you have to get permission? No, they actually wanted this. They wanted their prop back. Right, yeah. They wanted their stuff back.

They didn't ask for the money as well, did they? No. Raji, is it sad that your possessions are doing better in the films than you are? That is heartbreaking. That is heartbreaking that a scam of you is in more films than you are. I heard your blender was in Sherlock. I don't like this West is West thing.

Why? I don't like that you're not in it. Why? All joking aside. No, I don't. I think that's really rude. No, but it's dependent on the story, isn't it? If the character's not in the story, then...

No, why would Raji not be in the story? Yeah, you are brilliant in the story, Raji. Well, no, because the story's... You are. For all I know. You are. Look, the first film was autobiographical. It's by... By you? No, the writer, Ayub, who wrote it. Who's he? It's Ayub. Ayub what? Ayub. Ayub Kandim. Ayub Kandim. Don'tandim don't that's not very nice well that's fine right but he it's pretty much autobiographical

you know about his life and stuff who's who Ayub so for all I know that's the same for the second film what

autobiographical so maybe I don't know whether this is true of who is it Ayub Ayub so what's the story let's ruin the second one I don't know whether this is true. Of who is it? Ayub. Ayub.

So what's the story of the second one? Let's ruin the second one. What's the story of the second one? I don't know that much about it. All I know is that it involves the family or members of the family going to Pakistan to be involved with the Pakistani side of the family. It's a bit racist. It's a bit racist, isn't it?

That's all I know about it. You're not even Pakistani, Roger. No, but in the film, the family originate from Pakistan. So were you Pakistani in that film? Well, half. Which half?

Skin half. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. But you're not, are you? No. In real life?

No, I'm half Indian. Well, that's dreadful. Imagine if I was in East to East. Playing a Pakistani, people go mental.

Why? They just wonder if I went in that. Yeah, if you brammed up, yeah. Well, no,

because one of the things that I was interested in when we first did the film was whether one of the brothers would be Caucasian in that. Yeah, if you brammed up. Well, no, because one of the things that I was interested in when we first did the film was whether one of the brothers would be Caucasian in appearance or not. Right. Because they're mixed race, it would make just as much sense as them being brown-skinned. Yeah, wouldn't it?

I'm not listening to this. What's he saying? Literally, you look at Roger and you realise you've just switched off. See, what I'm saying is you could I don't even know what we're talking about you could be in

East is East as one of the brothers I could be in East is East could have it's been made it's been made already well you could be

in the play of it alright then alright alright what's that on no I'm just saying what damn I am not who's written the play

the same person who wrote the film is that I am well I'm going to encourage people to boycott it why I am if you like us if you like this going to encourage people to boycott it. Why?

I am. If you're like us, if you're like this podcast or the new podcast... No, that's not very fair. No, this is not fair. No, don't do that. Boycott West is West. Yeah. There's no reason...

And write to the film distributors and write to the people making it and say, there is no good reason. If anything, just put him in it out of sympathy. Right? No. Margie should be in that film. Yes, we know he's shit, but he's good enough being that. Yeah. But Margie should be in that film. Yes, we know he's shit, but

he's good enough to be in that. Yeah. But the character's not in the story. Well, he'd be a different character. I think it'd be

upsetting if they had the character in it and had someone else playing that character. That would be upsetting.

That would be heartbreaking. But you don't know the story. No, but I... So you don't know that's definitely not

happened? I suppose I don't know. I mean, they might need your picture for it. Maybe the film opens in an

hospital. The film might open in an hospital, right? With what looks like the mummy in a bed. Yeah, your picture next to it. Jimmy Mischie comes in with your picture. What was your character's called again? Abdul. Hey-o.

Doesn't work. Right, and Jimmy Mischie's sat by the bed next to the mummy, and the mummy's going... And Jimmy goes, Calm down, Abdul, calm down. And they're going, and Jimmy holds the picture and goes, I know, that's what you used to look like

before you fell in the acid. Right. I'd like it if you'd been replaced by Jimmy Mystery, and Jimmy Mystery does all the parts like in Nutty Professor 2, The Clubs. That would be amazing. That might be what happens. I don't know.

I hope not. He's a very versatile actor, Jimmy. You know, I mean, well, he's doing the dancing thing now which you've only just found out when I said it in your autobiography

we found out yesterday somebody wrote to us on the internet and told us and we actually thought for a second maybe he is doing it no I wouldn't be doing it

why? I thought I'd have earned it you would do it if you were offered no I wouldn't I would do the ice one

you'd do the ice one? yeah oh please do the ice one Roger why would you do the ice one over the dancing one one yeah oh please do the ice one Raji why would you do the ice one over the dancing one because

ice skating's something I enjoy it's that thing of learning a skill or learning another ability either way Raji we know you're

going to get voted off in the first week so you have a great opportunity to get on there and act like a right twat I mean just be yourself

but if you you could really stir it up it's like if you went in and I'm a celebrity or something, you could just... See, that's another one I would do. I know you would. I know I would do that. This is all good ideas.

All good ideas. Well, let's put an official pitch in for it now, then. Yeah. I'm a celebrity dancing on ice. I'm a celebrity on ice. Get me out of here. Yeah, amazing. He's made his own one up now.

Yeah, you have to camp on some ice. I want you to get dancing on ice and turn up with a tent. Oh, hello inmate. We've got a camera that's bollocking your mouth already. Which brings us on to Raji's beef. Raji's beef this week, so Raji every week we let you say a beef, something that's been bothering you

about being had and you say it and we will either accept or deny it or just shout it down. We might not allow it at all, so pay sands for Raji's beef. Go on Raji. I don't have one. Watch a beef this week. I've got no beef. I haven't got one. Raji, what's your beef? I'm quite happy.

Quite happy, alright, well do a ghost story then. I haven't done the ghost story. Do a ghost story, come on. I haven't prepared anything. Well just do one now, quick. Raji's ghost story. Quick, snappy one minute ghost story. It's time for Raji's ghost story action.

There was these people walking in the woods and they thought they saw a ghost. Blair, which that, Raji? You can't just copy a thing. You've got to make your own one. Okay, so change it. Change tack. Okay, there's these people

that moved into this big house. Amateur horror. Yeah, change tack. Come on. There was these people and they kept falling asleep and in their dreams... Freddy, the name of an hamster.

You can't have that one. There was this man who built a house and it was... It's the East, can't have that. And it was on a graveyard and he... Holidays, can't have that. I can't think of any more. All the ideas have been done. Yeah, that's sad, isn't it?

All the scary ideas have been done. Try and just... You know, they do say that since Shakespeare there are only new stories. But that's not true isn't it? All the scary ideas have been done. They do say that since Shakespeare there are no new stories. But that's not true because I've seen Inception. Shakespeare never did that. I mean, Raji, that's... No, but elements of it are already in Shakespeare.

When Shakespeare was alive and doing his plays and that, there were literally no films. There was no films. So what you're saying in your sweeping statement is there has never been a story in a film. No, what I'm saying is it's not a news story. Of course there are. It's not a news story.

Of course there are. Love stories at Romeo and Juliet. Yeah, but there were love stories before Romeo and Juliet. Shakespeare didn't invent love, Raji.

Since then. Right. Not before. Since then. So what Shakespeare got to do with it? Well, because he kind of... Sorry, no,

what's love got to do... Sorry, I always get mixed up. Yeah, it's a different song. So what, like, Batman, was that in Shakespeare, Batman? Batman was in Shakespeare Shakespeare Batman Elements yeah

Elements of Batman what one Amulet Amulet is Batman yeah his dad got killed didn't he yeah

and he seeks revenge and he seeks revenge and dresses up as a bat at the end but that bit got burnt in Shakespeare's fire and it made the Shakespeare Globe fire

yeah it was in the second folio this is a nice little section then we'll give Raji films and he'll tell us what Shakespeare they're from

don't forget Raji you were an expert on Shakespeare because you were going to'll tell us what Shakespeare they're from. Don't forget, Raji, you were an expert on Shakespeare because you were going to get on Mastermind after they told you you couldn't do the office. No, I wasn't going to. And then they told you you couldn't do the programme.

Fuck off. Right. But I still paid me. There we go. And at least you've still got that money safe. That's banked, isn't it? Yeah.

Here are some other films that Shakespeare wrote first. Well, it's not that he wrote them. It's the story. No, come on, Raji. Shakespeare wrote... Kick-Ass. I haven't seen it, so I don't know what it's about. Four Lions. I haven't seen that, so I don't know what that's not that he wrote the story. No, come on, Robbie. Shakespeare wrote... Kick-Ass. I haven't seen it,

so I don't know what it's about. Four Lions. I haven't seen that, so I don't know what that's about. It's very convenient, isn't it? Yeah. Anyone's he doesn't know. You know when you say

that you've not seen it, that's not you winning the argument. No, no, I know that, but Star Wars. Well, I've not seen it. Well, Star Wars is a combination of King Lear and Hamlet. You can't just do that.

You can't just... Well, you have the displaced child growing up not knowing who his parents are. The displaced child? Yeah, which is, I think it's Tom in King Lear.

I'm not sure. And you've got elements of Romeo and Juliet, obviously, because you've got Princess Lear and Luke growing up not knowing that they're

originally... Hang on, Romeo and Juliet weren't brother and sister? No, sorry. The elements of the story of them having a reason to not be in love

and you just discovering it later. It's still a similar story strand. And Juliet and Princess Leia have both got hair. They start to

be attracted towards each other and all that and it's only stopped because they discover that they're brother and sister. It's not, is it? It's stopped because she's in love with Han Solo.

But that's secondary, isn't it? Yeah, no, not at all. The brother and sister thing doesn't even come into it. At no point do they go, whoops. No, I know, because it doesn't get to that stage,

that's what I'm saying. They find out that they're brother and sister before it gets to that stage. And then, of course, they commit suicide at the end, don't they? Yeah.

No, they don't. With a lightsaber. And just lay here and he's going, well, could he drink a lightsaber? It's not exactly the same. Toy Story. Toy Story.

Toy Story Toy Story oh that's easy that one Roger because Woody is like Jeremy from Midsummer Night's Dream well no the thing about Toy Story

is it's the thing about the two friends or two people are these all going to be Romeo and Juliet no is Romeo and Juliet the only Shakespeare play

you know no because I'm just trying to think whether it's as there will be story elements that's the thing again that's no good for the section is it Roger you can't just go no there will be something I just trying to think whether it's as... There will be story elements. That's the thing. No, but again, that's no good for the section,

is it, Roger? You can't just go, no, there will be something. No, but there will be. I'm just not in a position to have... Do you want to record it later by yourself and send it to us?

Absolutely. Encyclopaedia acknowledge every story element in every Shakespeare play. Clerks. The Kennysmiths. Haven't seen it. Basically two men in a shop.

The thing is, that's the setting. That's not what the story is. That's the setting. Well, there isn't really a story. It's just them in the shop. It's the day in their lives. It's a film. Yeah, but I don't. That's not what the story is. That's the setting. Well, there isn't really a story. It's just them in the church. It's the day in their lives. It's a film.

Yeah, but I don't know what the elements of the story are. Well, what is it, Romeo and Juliet? Two blokes? No. I don't know if there's elements of the story that could be linked. I love it. Right, so they're going, is there a balcony in the church?

There is a bit where they play hockey on the roof. Maybe that's what they're doing. Every story needs an element of conflict. You need a situation where you've got characters or character. It doesn't need it. You have conflicts in stories, but it doesn't have to have one. No, invariably, you need to have an element of conflict. All right, swallow the dictionary.

There's nothing to combat in the story. There's nothing to move it on. So even if it's just a disagreement between two people that either does or doesn't get resolved by the end of the film, the central element... The elephant man. The elephant man. Well, of course, he's just a disagreement between two people that either does or doesn't get resolved by the end of the film the central element the elephant man well of course he's

got a fucked up skull and in amulet there is a skull in there no elephant man there's elements of tempest in it it rains a bit

so just for one night only we'll bring back an old section as well we've already had Raji's autobiography, which was lovely. Yeah, it was beautiful. Well done, Raji. Well done, Raji, in all your writing. You've done it all nice and got it all very tasteful.

Yeah. Imagine the cover will be quite tasteful of your book. The autobiography. Yeah, imagine it. It'll have a nice dust jacket on it, which is a bit wacky. Which means underneath the dust jacket, I think it'll be nice and leather-bound. Nice. Well, I think the dust jacket will be you in a bath of money. Yeah, why? Just throwing it in the air and crying.

Ironic, isn't it? No, it'll be you sitting with a rollie on a bench in a park next to a tramp, right, who's laughing at you, right? Who's looking at you with pity. Yeah, and a thought bubble coming out of your head and you are swimming around in a swimming pool of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. So, Ed, you're going to indulge us today swimming pool of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. So Ed, you're going to indulge us today

with one of our old favourite sections that we used to do. Well, it's never my favourite because I'm the one who has to do it. No, it's everyone's favourite. There was a,

how old was he now? I mean, he was 58 when we did it. 60 now. 60 year old man. 60 year old man, no. Who masturbates on the internet and does films on it, Raji.

Oh my gosh. Is he still going? Well, I don't know. We'll see what Ed says. Raji, we're interested and we just made you watch One it, Raji. Oh my gosh. Is he still going? Well, I don't know. We'll see what Ed says. Raji, we're interested. We just made you watch One Man, One Jar. Well, a bit of it. You enjoyed that.

It was the important bit, though, wasn't it? Yeah. Horrible. I told you it would be. Ed made me watch it the other week. Yeah. I just, that is truly horrible. Horrific, isn't it?

I mean, every element of it. Why is he doing it in the first place? Puts a jar up his bum. Then what actually happens? The jar explodes in his bum. Yeah. And then how he then deals with it while still filming himself. it in the first place puts a jar up his bum then what actually happens the jar explodes in his bum and then how he then deals

with it while still filming himself blood pumps out what's he going to do his arse is bleeding he's pulling glass out of his arse he's going to shuffle

over to the camera and hit stop I might do this in black and white make it look classy at some point like Mary Millington at some point

between the event happening and it being put on the internet you've got to ask yourself surely someone must think at some point maybe the event happening and it being put on the internet you've got to kind of ask yourself surely someone must think at some point

maybe I won't put that on the internet maybe he died mate what? could have died maybe someone's put it on there as a warning

how could you put it on if he's died he put a joke in his will saying oh if you find any videos when I die you've got to

put them on the internet yeah and they had them and it happened maybe he did it as a warning thing maybe he thought well this has happened to me.

This is unbelievable. It's horrible, but this is my unique selling point. Selling what? I've had a jar explode in my arse. Stronger jars. But surely at the beginning, if that was the point of it, surely at the beginning it should say something like, you know, don't try this at home.

Do you know what? I think from what follows in the video, it is tacit in it to not try this at home. I don't think anyone's going to be watching the video going, I'm going to have a crack at that, see if I can get a jam jar to explode in my arse and all blood come out. Crack. Have a crack at that. No, it wasn't even intended. His crack too, like crack. Because the glass cracked.

Bum crack. And the glass cracked. Crack, crack, because crack. Yeah. Actually, it was the different. But anyway, he was called Richard the Wanker. Yeah. Yeah. Actually it was the next one. But anyway he was called Richard the Wanker.

Not Jarman. No no this the man that Ed has been watching on the internet. He enjoys watching it and you do analysis of it.

I do. You've not done one for nearly two years now. No. Have you found him? Yeah I've found him. Was it Xtube or

Uvootie? What was he on? Xtube. He came off Uvootie. Ed is going to indulge us now with a brand new Richard the Wanker. He's ever with Richard the Wanker.

Yeah. Now this one, I just want to tell you, it was nine months ago. This is the most recent one that I could find. Nine months ago? Nine months ago.

So I'm a bit worried he's got his camera pregnant. Or he might have died. Yeah, he might have died. I hope he's not died. Maybe he was one jar, one man. Although it definitely wasn't his penis.

He just spoke through it as well. It's a shame that I recognise his cock. Right, here we go. Now I just want to say as well, I'm a bit rusty at this. When we were doing it before, I was like, bang, I could knock them out in about three or four minutes. In real time, I could do it. This took me about half an hour of a morning. Wow, that's unbelievable.

Did you have to keep going back and watching a bit? I had to keep going back to the toilet to be sick. So, here we go, right. In the words of Oasis, hello, hello, it's good to be back, it's good to be back, hello. That was Gary Glitter. And in the words of me, Oh Jesus, there's an old man yanking himself really close to a camera. That was Gary Glitter.

It feels odd to return to RTW, to writing about him, I mean. I've been watching one a day since Christmas 2008. This particular spunky gem of a video is one that I have not stumbled across before and is entitled Richard the Wanker wanking for Kit's RTW party. For what? For Kit's? Kit's RTW... Not Kid's RTW party.

That's what I thought you said. I thought you said Kid's. I thought you were taking the P-Dermatophones all the way through. Kit's RTW party. Kit's. Kit's. That's right. People are having parties about him now.

Oh my Christ almighty, it's our fault. Richard the Wanker is the new Tupperware. Oh, it's our fault, it's our fault. But more about that later. Let's dive straight into a pit of wank. One second, Richard has started already. One second! There is almost no preamble. The video opens immediately with Richard, cock in hand, smile on face.

He seems to have really streamlined the format since I've been away. I hope it hasn't lost any of its conversational charm. I've decided to call Richard's penis Chuck Berry for the duration of the video. Why? Well it just seems less obvious than Little Richard. Very nice. Three seconds. He gives us a quick, Oh yes. Which is as nice a welcome back as any.

He then greets the video's recipient whilst tugging Chuck. Hi there, Kit. It is like a perverted version of Knight Rider. Ten seconds. Rich DeWank explains that he's been chatting to Kit over the last couple of nights. We better hope they don't have a friend called Kat. We wouldn't want to remind Richard of his chocolate fetish. Oh, remember that.

This is a year and a bit long callback, keep up. He says that he is making this video especially for Kit and it is something he can share with all his friends like it is a flan. 15 seconds. Apparently Kit likes to have Richard the Wanker wanking parties with his friends. I'd hate to be the caterer for that. Kit's a man. Kit's a man, yeah.

I wasn't expecting that. I thought Kit was a girl. Yeah, actually he doesn't mention it, I've just assumed it's a man. I think it man, yeah. I wasn't expecting that. I heard Kit Dan was a girl. Yeah. Actually, he doesn't mention. I've just assumed it's a man. I think it's a girl. From later, from points later on. Well, I knew a Kim that was a man.

You knew a Kim that was a man? Yeah. Right. Two of the same letters. That's a brilliant story, that. Hey, no, Ed, can you just stop this section for a minute? What's this? You know that you know Kim as a girl, normally?

Uh, yeah. Raji knows a Kim what is a man. Fuck off, Raji! Yeah. Apparently... I meant, like, I'm surprised rather than fuck off. Please, please, don't. You can if you want. Yeah, fine. Apparently Kit likes to have Richard the Wanker wanking parties with his friends.

I'd hate to be the caterer for one of them. It'd probably just be one biscuit between ten of them. Oh. 30 seconds. He's just put his chuck into something that looks like a load of slush puppy cups stacked on top of each other. Oh, I love slush puppy. Imagine I get one and one and one in a slush puppy now. You get what?

You know, a slush puppy. Yeah. I get blue and red and blue and red and blue. I get them all mixed up. Right. That's a brilliant story too. Yeah. He says that Kit likes to masturbate whilst watching his videos.

I cannot imagine this being the case with anyone. I think he meant to say that Kit likes to masturbate despite his videos. Apparently Kit does it with friends as well. Now this I can understand. I find the one where Phoebe meets her dad particularly horny. I saw that one turn the corner at the end of the road and just drive slowly

towards us. I've even written friends with capitals to remind me of the joke. Brilliant. According to Richard there are always 8 to 13 of them. Quite right. Any more than that would be disgusting. One minute. Kit and his 8 to 13 friends apparently all gather around a video of Richard on a big

TV screen. I wasn't aware Richard was on TV. Plus, I don't think it is good enough resolution to justify a big TV screen. Oh, hang on. There is a button I can click if I want to watch it in HD. He's in HD? Yeah. I've always felt that I haven't seen his gnarled membrane enough minute detail. Oh my goodness.

I hope to see Richard in 3D soon. The one thing his videos are missing is feeling like you have to duck his milk. 1 minute 30. He's still pumping away with his cup and telling us that one time Kit and his friends shot their spunk on a TV screen. Apparently that is very kinky. Oh, God, I'm minding God almighty, I ruined your telly. I could just crack. I'm not sure you're in any position to judge, Richard. You're the one with your front in a beaker.

Two minutes five. Cheer up, Raji. He's upset a lot. Come on, Raji. Join in, you prick. Two minutes... Two minutes five. Oh, brilliant. Apparently they are showing his videos in a gay sauna in Glasgow now as well. I hope they've got his permission for that. He should probably put one of those warnings on beforehand saying that people are not allowed to show it on an oil rig.

Two minutes 29. Oh he's proper going for it now. The camera is bobbing up and down as if it is nodding in appreciation. He is the only one. Three minutes. Come on guys, get playing with yourselves, Wank along with me. Oh, yes. He's chucking out catchphrases like there is no tomorrow. I think he realises why he is funny now. He has really sold out.

I wouldn't be surprised if he does an advert for Nationwide. He can go up to the counter and say, Oh, yes, can I have one wank, please? And the lady would say, Sorry, sir, this is the bank I'm wearing your trousers. And then Richard would sploosh all over the window, Three minutes twenty-five. He starts talking about his sex toys and says we really must get one. He then dismantles it and points out that if you take the sleeve out, you get a wanking sleeve.

This is like the worst section of QVC I have ever seen. He puts the sleeve over his chuck. It looks like a Lilliputian wearing one of Gulliver's Johnnies. Four minutes thirty. He tells us that Kit's friends have about ten seconds if they want to come at the same time as him. This is a new skill that Richard has developed. Exact knowledge of when he is going to come. This is useful for other people as they know when to leave. Puts the pressure on them, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. Yeah, ten seconds. Got ten seconds to come. I was like, oh, shit.

Four minutes 42. Oh, Richard, he was right. Exactly ten seconds later, what we've all been waiting for, he spills his beans all over his tummy. No doubt Kit's house goes wild and someone in Glasgow's sauna is so excited they bum the coals off the furnace. Breathless and mucky, Richard tells us he has enjoyed it and he will see us next time. Well, Richard, I can safely say, never again. Breathless and mucky Richard tells us He has enjoyed it And he will see us next time Well Richard

I can safely say Never again There you go That's the end of the Raving Girl Podcast Episode 50 Oh Final episode

Once and for all The 48 49 thing always bugged me I mean people might Be listening to it And be going I don't get this I've only got 48 episodes

It's because we did 49 One was a live show that we never released yeah oh did you never release that I thought you were going to no oh okay

but as is always the case with these podcasts at the very end Raji uses a poem yeah he does doesn't he yeah I always have a lovely Raji poem right at the end

where Raji riffs a poem it's very good you might have seen him do his beatboxing online yeah well it's the same sort of thing the thing is the thing that I really like

about your poems Raji A they're off the top of your head hold The thing is, the thing that I really like about your poems, Raji, A, they're off the top of your head. Hold on, you're using the plural phrase. A, your poems, yeah. B. Yeah, B, right,

they have a social conscience. And three. And, like, D, they're fun. They're fun and they've got a social conscience. And E, T. No, we're not doing this. We're not doing this.

And F, a G of Raji burned in India. Wow. Can you get through the whole alphabet? Instead of the poems. G, force. That used to be a brilliant cartoon. It was, wasn't it?

Battle of the Planets. Yeah. He did a brilliant one. It was called Battle of the Planets. No, I did. Yeah. With Kiot. Dumb bollocks.

Time for Raj's poem. Go. This is a poem about coming to Raze. So preferential. Nice. Let him do it.

To record a podcast and hopefully get some praise for all the episodes we've put out for free. This is now the last one that will ever feature me. It's number 50. Can we just start for a second? Why are you making it sound like the

treat here is you being here? It's not. I didn't at any point say that. This is the last one featuring me. I'm sorry for denying you all. No, some people might take that as a good thing. So I can't remember what it was. So this is the this is number 50

of the Ray Peacock. It's a weird penthouse he's doing. It's like he's invented his own one. No, you're right. This is episode 50 of the Ray Peacock podcast. This is episode 50 of the Ray Peacock podcast and it's a big surprise to me

that it ever did last this long. It didn't last this long, did it? Well, it has lasted this long. No, it's happening now, so it's lasted this long. No, it's not. I mean, this is revisiting it. Yeah, but it still lasted, though.

There aren't people at home now going, when's that next episode coming out? No, but the fact that this is still this is number 50 means it has lasted to 50. That didn't rhyme. I can't rhyme 50 with 50, Raji. That's cheating. That's false, that. Come on. You need a big finish here, Raji. Big finish. Nice couplet

to end on. Okay, so at the end of the day, it's goodbye from me. Keep listening to Ed and Ray's podcast with a hee hee hee. Raji, we don't need you to do an advert.

Honestly, it's going fine. It's doing alright. So don't use that as your... We don't need a testimonial. It'll be alright. So thank you very much and I'm now alright. Hope you all have fun

and don't get into fights that's lovely Raji well done on your little poem there thank you very much what a nice way to end I think that was a bit rubbish but there you go and just one last question for you Raji

yeah can you fuck off now please say goodbye Raji bye bye Raji say goodbye bye he's not doing that is he no let him do that

alright John Virgo that is a good alright John Virgo that is a good ride to do We'll see you next time.