The Phonebox Podcast With Emma Conway - Scummy Mummies: Kylie, Pulp & Teen Party Disasters

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

Who believes they manifested Kylie and Michael Hutchence to get together? Helen Thorn that's who. Who had the dreamiest first snog ever? Ellie Gibson that's who. Who both had Laura Ashley bed covers? The Scummy Mummies! On The Phonebox Podcast today we have the hilarious comedy duo who share how they became the brilliant women they are today.Be sure to follow them on Instagram and go and see them in a city near you soon.For more of me follow @brummymummyof2 on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and TikTok and follow the all new @phoneboxpodcast account on InstagramIf you have any guest suggestions or topics you would like me to cover email [e-mail] and be sure to tag so I can see where you are listening!Editing by Soundtruism. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, you're a Canadian podcast listener, and that makes you important to us. We'd like to know more about you, what you think of this podcast, and the other podcasts you'd like to hear. So we put together a super brief survey we'd like you to fill out. Complete it, and we'll give you a chance to win one of three $100 Amazon gift cards. That way, we can say thanks for your opinion. Just go to mypodcastsurvey.ca and have your say. That's mypodcastsurvey.ca. Hello and welcome to another episode of the Phone Box Podcast with me, Emma Conway.

How the devil are you? I hope you are all well. We are back with a cracking episode today. We have Ellie are you? I hope you are all well. We are back with a cracking episode today. We have Ellie and Helen from the Scummy Mummies on. They are outspoken. This is not a podcast you will listen to in the car on the way to the school run. Especially if you're doing some sort of school run when you've got another kid in the back of your car. No. Because they'll go home and they'll tell some right tales to their mum and dad. Don't listen to this when you're making fish fingers and waffles for tea.

No, this is mum on a walk or this is on the bus on the way to college. It's a private podcast. It is hilarious. They are great. They have their own fantastic podcast which you must check out. It's a women's podcast.

I will leave everything in the description so you can go and check them out. They also are on tour continuously and it is spot on for a mum's night out. I recently went with my mum and my sister and there was NCT groups there. There was, you know, the PTA there. There was football mums. They are, it's just proper, proper, proper funny.

So I really think you're going to enjoy this episode. I want you to come back at the end though for a quick chat because I need your help with an upcoming episode and I want to ask you a question so enjoy the scummy mummies and I'll see you in a bit hello the scummy mummies and welcome to the phone box podcast hello we're all waving you can't see us but we're all waving it's all good here have a little bit of a sniffle um But you know what? I will survive. I think the kids are giving me some sort of terrible lurgy. But no, how are you two? You good? Yeah, pretty. I don't don't currently have a lurgy, I think. So, so, I mean, it's not a competition, but if it was, I would be winning, Emma. So there we are.

So you're doing better than me. So the first question, I'm excited because we're all the similar age, which is good because we've had some quite young people on. We're all going to be able to I don't know what sorts of young people for. They don't know anything about anything. We're a waste of everyone's time. Oh, noob bands. Oh, yeah. Brilliant.

Well done. Okay. So when were you two 14 then? I was 14 back in 1992 in sunny sunny hot Australia uh yeah so it was heady times and I was I was 14 in 1991 uh so yes I am the slightly older and taller one yeah and where were you where did you grow up I grew up in London uh born old southeast London okay yeah that's that's more more glamorous than Birmingham probably is it I don't think you've been here Emma have you been to Catford have you been to Catford no okay I want to know what your two bedrooms in fact Helen you're the first non-British person

on the podcast how does that feel you're going to open a whole new world to us teenagers were like somewhere else oh you made me feel very special well my 14 year old bedroom um was all pink had been painted pink and i had i think approximately 150 photos cut out of kylie minogue and michael hutchins from in excess and then five years later they started dating. And I don't know the magic that I had. Manifested it. I had predicted the hot romance. But, yes, I was obsessed with Neighbours, Kylie and In Excess.

That was my thing. And my mum, I remember for my birthday, had bought me a Laura Ashley pink floral duvet cover. And I was like, I don't want this for my birthday. A duvet cover is not a birthday present. And she's like, I'd been, she'd gone into the city and thought it was big. I feel like such an arsehole, such an arsehole, such a North.

Laura Ashley. I mean, Laura Ashley and Michael Hutchins don't seem to be on the same sort of wavelength. Did you fancy him? Is that why he was on your wall? Yeah, absolutely. Lusted, lusted after Michael Hutchins don't seem to be on the same sort of wavelength. Did you fancy him? Is that why he was on your wall? Yeah, absolutely. Lusted, lusted after Michael Hutchins. So that was my first two cassette tapes was In Excess X or Ooks at 10.

And then Kylie's Kylie, you know, one with the slanted hat. Slanted hat, yeah. The hair hat. Yeah, of course. And then she had like a very tight black top on as well. And she was like oh she was can you see like twins like that yeah it's like Kylie no it's Emma okay Ellie what was your bedroom like well funnily enough I was about to say I had a Laura Ashley duvet cover what are

the charts and it was floral it was floral uh but mine was not pink I didn't like pink my room was it was like a pale yellow um sort of a buttery yellow, not a lemon yellow. It was the fashion at the time. And I remember, yeah, my mum, we went to Homebase in Catford and they had a little corner of Homebase, which was a little Laura Ashley shop, so you could go in and choose things in there.

So I had like a blue and yellow theme in my room. Oh, it was delightful how funny that we didn't know each other then we were on opposite sides of the world um just with your duvet did you have any posters on your wall I think I think around that time was that around the new kids on the block era yeah that was my boy band I was never that bothered about take that or bros or any of that but new kids jordan got me with his frisky eyebrows do you remember those eyebrows they would look at you like oh and you'd be like oh yes you can put your hand up with bra that'd be nice so if you were you were doing one of your scummy

mummies gigs and jordan night walked in now would your heart still flutter or would you more than my heart emma more than my heart oh we can't say the same about michael all right you're gonna walk in but if kylie walked in oh would you be could you imagine oh i've met her once i remember waiting i waited for three hours i bought her book and and i um and i said like hello and that was about it and then she saw my book and I was like and that you know I just lost the power was she tiny was she tiny minuscule like you know like like in like a tiny yes pocket little thing like so tiny you tempted to pick her up yeah like you might have just done just just just the tiny person but yes very very smiley and lovely and you know I'm glad I've met it I've met

I was in her presence for about 18 seconds so yeah so she was she was lovely and you know I'm glad I've met it I've met I was in her presence for about 18 seconds so yeah so she was she was lovely and I I still I've been to about six Kylie concerts since so I'm I'm a die-hard fan yeah she's great isn't she when I met Gary Barlow I just went I love you and he just went thank you and then I just I thought I was never gonna get the chance again I met Gary Barlow I'd be like pay your taxes Gary oh it's Oh, it's just different, isn't it? Yeah, I didn't. That was after I just said, I love you. And he just said, thank you.

And then I just walked off because I just thought, what else is there to say? He didn't say love you back. I'm rude. Yeah. So schools, did you just go to like a mixed school? What kind of school did you go to? I went to school in New Cross and it was a bit weird.

It was like a girls school there was a girl school at the bottom of the hill and a boys school at the top of the hill oh lovely illicit boys at the top of the hill there was a mini bus that ran between them and it was all a bit weird because it was like a state school but it really liked to sort of pretend it was a private school so there were things like operas and honors boards but it was just full of like people from like like me like from peckham like we just didn't really we didn't always follow the the sort of Mallory Towers model so it was it was an odd school and to be honest I had enough by the time I was 16 I was I'd had enough of it and I went to a different sixth sixth form college um because yeah it was

an odd place but my goddaughters go there now and I think they quite like it I think it's changed quite a lot so yeah so with the boys at the top of the hill was it always because I went to a girls school and the boys school was like a few you know I don't know five minutes down the road and we'd have the odd joint disco or the odd little play and the boys would be allowed in and it'd be very exciting my night of the week was on Wednesdays Wednesday afternoons we would go to Crystal Palace Sports Centre um and the boy we would have a coach for the girl school and the boys school had a coach as well so there was like a sort of crossover it was like the bit in west side story where they meet for the rumble it was like there was a sort of a sort of

four minute period where our paths could potentially cross and that was all very exciting you know there was all sorts of so excited yeah it was good i do i do love we used to get the bus into town do you call where do you call london town or is that uptown we'll say uptown yeah yeah just going into town up london you're going up london yeah so we would go into town on the same bus as the boys oh it was just it was just so excited what about you helen were you in a mixed school or yeah so i grew up in a tiny country town there's about 6,000 people uh and it was called Kyabrum and uh I just went to the local school but it was the school where my dad taught um and I got year nine which was when I was 14 was peak bullying that's the year that's the year I decided to leave I just remember going home

going I can't go back and um and I found it very difficult and my dad found it difficult because he was a teacher and he couldn't you know there were teachers who were really ignoring the fact that I was being treated very very badly and I think dad was difficult because that's where he worked um so yeah I I would say 14 was probably one of my shittest years that's that's kind, that's kind of why I picked it. Not because it was your shittest. I haven't based my whole podcast around your shittest year. I feel a little bit more insensitive Emma, honestly.

I've said this before. But 14, I think is a real pivotal year. And that's kind of like a year where everything changes and a lot of people have found 14 quite hard. Yeah, I agree. I also was bullied very badly that year in particular. And it was, yeah, it was awful. It was, I mean, of all the years of my life,

again, I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't like to live through that one again. That would definitely be in the bottom. But thank you for making me relive it now on your podcast for the entertainment of people. What is this? This is just torture porn for me. Oh gosh, I'm so sorry.

No, it is a funny, there's all hormones. It's just, you've got one foot in being a kid. You've got one foot in kind of heading towards being an adult. And it is just like a very, so in the hierarchy of the school, I suppose, were you on the outs then? Were you not like, you weren't in the popular or the nerds? Were you just kind of like a little island by yourself? Or did you have a gang of eight?

I had that horrible thing that I think happens to a lot of girls where you sort of you are in a friendship group and then suddenly it doesn't it's not it doesn't splinter it's sort of you just splinter like suddenly you you're sort of pushed outside of it and it's really upsetting and frightening and then um yeah there was all that and then I wasn't it was about 15 16 I changed classes in the end and found found my sort of tribe there but um yeah it was yeah it was oh god it was horrible oh girls are mean girls are like they are I always remember one girl taking me around the back of the sports hall just going just to let you know we're not gonna be friends with you anymore and I was just like and even now I still think about it and that's like 30 years ago and it and I think it kind of

impacts almost sometimes now how I find friendships in adulthood you kind of whiz back a little bit don't you it's so strange they're so mean girls yeah I remember having that or like girls who would say oh I'm friends with you on the weekend but we can't talk at school and me just accepting that because I had such low self-worth going that's fine you know um I I was I was I was kind of weird like I was I was into the debating team and I played the cello and I you know I did everything that's not weird that's creative that's not weird yeah I I stand by those decisions now that you know I wouldn't't be who I was now if I didn't be my authentic self back then. But obviously that was very much a point of ridicule.

And funnily enough, people said, are you from England? Because I spoke, I didn't have a particularly strong Australian accent. So that kind of, you know, as my mum said, I said H instead of H. You know, like I liked classical music. I did all these things that I just didn't fit in. But I think I liked who I was, but nobody else seemed to. And also I got really, really horrific acne as well. So it wasn't, it wasn't

a great time, but also what about 16 was 16? Good. I feel if we moved to 16, 16 was brilliant. I'm getting to a really good bit. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, good. Yeah. So, so I was, I was very sad and I kept saying to my parents, I want to move schools. I want to move schools. And they, they weren't listening. And then one day I just thought, who's going to make me happy? And I rang up a school that was about an hour's drive away. And I said, I'd like to change schools, please. And I sorted a meeting out with the headmaster. I did all the research and I sat my parents down and said, I'm moving schools.

And I made them and I wrote down all the things. And then I took my parents to see this headmaster and I burst into tears and I said I'm just really sad can I please start at your school and he said yeah we'd be delighted to have you start here next year and it was one of those moments in my life where I took control of my happiness and I didn't blame anyone else I mean I was angry that my parents weren't listening but I I still refer back to that 14-year-old for strength in many times where I'm like, no one else is helping you. Just you've got to take control of your happiness.

Helen, that's amazing to do that when you're 14. And also without the internet, you weren't Googling what is a nice school. You were just like having to phone adults up and speak to adults and stuff. That's crazy. Yeah. So, I mean mean you know I did lots of mistakes but I think one of the things and um oh yeah when I did therapy after my divorce the the therapist said you've got to go back to that 14 year old girl where was that strength

you know where did that strength come from don't know maybe it was Kylie Minogue maybe it was it was definitely it was the hat so yeah I think I think um yeah so I think that I kind of like that 14 year old girl and yeah she sounds wicked all right she's okay she cried yeah oh well gods didn't we all cry a lot that is so were you happier at the new school was it much better yeah transform it transformed my life it really did I made some really great friends and Ellie you'll be surprised I was always late and my poor mother would have to drive me to the school bus uh in her nightie she'd put every morning i'd be she's like come on you've got to get at school on time no and uh and i was always late and so she had to drive me to the bus and i was just remember that mom like backing out

nearly killing a cat um and getting me to the bus so that was that anyway oh that's good that's a good a good empowering story 14 year old girls can be mean but they also can be quite resilient as well can't they what was your um your biggest fashion faux pas that's what i want to know what did you wear that you looking back you're like that's horrific that was part of the problem i think but i wasn't very interested in clothes i mean i, I never really have been. I just didn't care. So it just... That's good.

Well, it's good in terms of, yes, now, but it's difficult if, you know, I think you're at that age when clothes are a bonding thing. It's part of that. To that tribal thing, it's like, because it was like the kickers in my school, the naff-naff stuff, I think. And we didn't have any money for that sort of shit anyway. So it't really an option to me and I wasn't that interested I was very nerdy

so I was into video games and stuff um so yeah I I'm sure there was a fashion faux pas but I can't I can't remember what I wore because it's just not something that's lodged in my brain no what about you Helen oh I had my Sunday best I had my Sunday best because we had very little money and my parents every year would get like one good outfit and that would be your Sunday outfit and you'd wear that every Sunday. What was your Sunday best? Okay, my Sunday best was, I was very proud of this outfit and I cringe now, it was a white, like a white T-shirt,

but then I had an oversized paisley waistcoat, which is of the time time and matching culottes uh that were just a little bit too short and I'd wear them with a heavy brogue because that was of the bros era so brogue thing so I had a pair of brogues and I wore them until you know almost you know made my toes curl because I loved them so much and I couldn't get new shoes. So, yes, a maroon paisley culotte waistcoat. Because also it was that sort of like blossom, that kind of era. Oh, blossom and six with a floppy hat. That would be lovely.

Yeah, waistcoats were sort of very much in. And also I was quite pale and quite chubby. And I did once buy a pair of denim cut-off shorts and it wasn't it wasn't the right thing it wasn't there wasn't a good look did bros were bros famous in Australia then massive were they yeah yeah yeah the groche on the the trainer my mom and dad would never let me put those on my shoes I had no cartoon jumper of bros from the market with them all looking slightly wonky but my mom my mom did take me to see them in concert though i've talked about this before and um at the end of the concert

matt pulls his trousers down and you all scream and then i can't remember who i was on the podcast with they were like isn't that like a bit inappropriate i'm like come to think of it now yeah it is and matt pulls his trousers down and we all and just stands there with his boxers and we all scream yeah a bit weird but you know what it was it was thrilling they were um American flag boxers obviously in Birmingham what kind of music did you like when you were younger I liked I liked Madonna I was very into Madonna I think I still was at 14 I think I was still and obviously new kids uh were. I had the VHS videos of their concerts and everything. Like it was, I was in quite deep. And then I liked, I liked sort of quite folksy stuff like Paul Simon and Tracy Chapman. Like do you remember when Fast Car, that was a big, that was a big thing, wasn't it? A a massive attack like all those sort of yeah so so yeah but again music was not games was my thing really it wasn't such a big thing for me what about you

Helen was it just the Kylie yeah yeah and it was of that era that like everybody neighbors started having their all home in a way had had a pop career so obviously loved love my Jason Donovan Natalie and Brulia Danny yeah torn oh torn i told we're probably a bit old when i think i was at uni when torn came out but that's a great yeah yeah that's it yeah that was a uni chat because i remember my friend went and i went to the hairdresser and asked for the natalie and brulia haircut and she came back looking like dustin hoffman so that was a good it was a good time we've all been there i had my hair like Gwyneth Paltrow in Sliding Doors. I think I had it.

I went very, very like that. And I, you know, I look terrible, but I thought I looked like Gwyneth. That was, it was, it was fun. Yeah, Torn was a great song. I know you like, which one of you like Stefan Dennis? Or was it both of you like Stefan Dennis? Well, Stefan Dennis, of course,

famously shares a birthday with me. We're birthday twins yeah and he did he did me a um birthday video last year and i i you know peaked basically i can't go i can't go any higher than that well that's it i i have a not a great story about stephan dennis my sister paid i don't know about four weeks ago to go meet the cast of Neighbours. Oh, yeah. They did a tour. Yeah. And she was queuing up and a man came out and he says, guys, you're not going to like this.

And he just put up a sign saying, Steph and Dennis will not be meeting the fans. How much did she pay to meet him? It was £100. But she met Toadfish rebecca was it was it to meet him specifically or the car no it was it was carl and susan it was toadfish um plain jane superbrain remember plain jane superbrain yeah and then another one another one a new one who i was like i don't know who that is but carl and sus Susan she went in and she said I feel like I'm me bear in mind she's 40 43 this is not like I feel like I'm meeting my mom and dad for the first time and now my mom and dad aren't dead

either so it's like these are still alive people it's not like a story of a sad person who has never had a mom and dad she's got a mom and dad they're alive I feel like you're my real mom and dad and they said you can be you can be our daughter if you like that's so weird maybe they were thinking oh this poor girl she's got no parents that's so weird that's hilarious yeah and then when she went to it meet toadfish she walked around the corner and he said something like oh you weren't expecting alf from home and away and she was like no and i think that must have just been his joke he does every single shit joke do you know what she loved it the photos are great though the photos she looks so happy in

between her real mom and dad but no stephan dennis unfortunately they didn't give any reason like they didn't say he's got you know the ceiling's falling in at lassiter's he's got to get back he's got a phone contractor no no he was on the live show on the night so he was fine he just couldn't be bad he just wouldn't meet they just couldn't be bothered they found dennis will not be meeting the fans that that is unbelievable he just he went you're not gonna like this and he just put it up and claire said everyone was booing what and then she bought five lassiter's pens because she was scared they were gonna run out she's always got all these and an erinsborough high tote bag just like living her best life

she she she's good um okay let's talk first snogs were yours awful we've not had one single person on the podcast that had a nice first snog they were all terrible nice no no let me let me change things up then for you Emma I had a nice first snog hey yes um I uh so I had this with my first boyfriend so very serious relationship I was about 14 I think actually I think I was 14 and I met him at my drama group and he was called Junior and he had a very very his haircut was very much of the era he had like shaved all around the back of the sides and then on top he had like jerry curl like you know is it in coming to America like the soul glow and then and then he had like a sort of rat's tail a tiny plait coming out the bottom of the back that was really long oh you've lost me at rat's tail it was like it was like cool it was

like it was like a single dread almost but plaited and not not you know it was nice okay um so and he had a diamond like well i say diamond a zirconium earring so it was very i thought he was incredibly cool and we went on our and he asked me out we went on our, and he asked me out. We went on our first date. We went to Greenwich cinema and we watched My Girl, which, you know, slightly odd film. And then he came back with me and that was in Greenwich. And he came back with me all the way to my house in Crofton Park.

And that was two buses, Emma, two buses that he didn't have to get because he lived in Woolwich. He didn't have to get. No, he didn't. That's romantic. And there was a bench just at the bottom of my parents' road and we went and sat on the bench and then we had a little kiss and it was just, yeah, it was lovely.

It was very nice. And then he went home. It is nice. Did you see him again? Oh, yeah. We went out for, you know, in my memory, like we went out for a long time, but of course it's, it's, it's dog. It's like dog years, isn't it? When you're a teenager, it's probably about two and a half weeks.

He did chuck me in the end or no. Oh, that's what I remember. I got wind someone at the drama group told me that he was going to chuck me a friend. So I, cause like you, if you remember, I don't know if it's like this where you were, but you had to get in there first. You had to be the chucker and not the chucky. So I went and chucked him and he obviously wasn't upset because he was going to chuck me anyway. But I think the death knell of the relationship was when,

um, a few, like a few dates in, he told me that he was in a posse. And I was like, that's exciting. A posse. And he's like, yeah. And I was like, that exciting a posse and he's like yeah I was like that's cool what's the posse called and he said I can't tell you and I was like why is it

like a secret and he's like no you'll laugh and I was like I promise I won't laugh no that's cool that you're in a posse how you know why would I laugh that's really cool what's it called and he said it's called the Woolwich Ninjas and I did laugh listener I did laugh I did laugh and he spoiler she laughed and he was very not unreasonably disgruntled and I think I I think I made I sowed my own I sealed my own fate I sealed my own fate that day he's still in the posse I wonder if the posse's still going strong I wonder I wonder then he's the lead yeah you could you think of what you could have been if you were in that posse oh I could have been the queen of it who knows I could have been the the queen of the Woolwich Ninjas what a joy what a life we're sliding doors isn't

it sliding doors what could it what could have been that is a very nice story because lots of people have been like I snogged someone they tasted a burger or I was sick and then I went and snogged somebody we've had a lot of disgusting dirty stuff what about you Helen uh my first snog was at school his name was Michael Storer and uh it was lunchtime and we went behind a bush and I just remember just remember the whole tongue action you know it was kind of nice like it felt nice uh I think but I just was you know because it's all the build-up you know first kiss and you like a proper kiss I was like just felt like a tongue sort of darting into my mouth I was like is that is that is that what you do? It's just this tongue thing. Did you know?

You found that weird? Fuck it up. At school, that's quite brave. Yes, and, like, the school bell was about to go, and so it kind of gave us a time limit. Like, we had said that we're going to do a snog, and then, like, we walked, you know, walked all after that. It was like, oh, that's my first snog. Yeah. it wasn't any boob grabbing i remember that that that um so just hands by side and then a chicken a random chicken

just came out of the bush i remember that everyone wanted all the details and then i had to write down the full details on notes and you would pass that around and then a chicken ran out yeah yeah yeah that's it so so that was you know very Australian I thought behind that is a behind behind a bush with a chicken if you just said a kangaroo jumped out I mean like blimey that really would have been Australian yeah they're both all right stories I think you both got off quite successfully there that was excellent um what would you say was your greatest teenage success? I think Helen, yours is probably moving school and like facilitating all of that. What about you, Ellie? Teenage success? Probably. Yeah.

Well, I moved for sixth form and that was a really good decision because, yeah, then I met like I met some lovely people who I'm still friends with to this day and stuff. And yeah, and I learned to smoke. So that was really good. We used to go to the pub most lunchtimes. Like that's where I really learned to smoke and drink. Did you have a fake ID? Did you have a fake ID? No, no one cared.

It was a different time. It was like, it was in Alpington, which is as if it's on the border of like sort of Kent and London. It's Kent really. And that, you know, it was just like, I remember Weatherspoons had just opened. Like it was a brand new thing. I used to go to The Spoon. So it was very exciting.

Before it went all horrible and Brexity and awful. So it was, yeah, we used to go there and just spend hours there drinking very cheap lager very slowly. So, yeah. But no, I no I did you know I sort of I think it was in my teenage years and if to be serious about it I probably sort of worked out um that I was or realized I was funny and that actually not because I think as well if you my parents are funny and if you grow up in a funny family you just sort of assume everybody's like that don't you and then it's you get a bit older and you go oh no actually maybe this is actually a superpower and we're not and it's maybe and therefore maybe it's okay that I'm shit at sport or whatever it is because I've got this and and you learn to you

learn that it can make you make people like you it can make people give you attention uh and those those are good things if you're being bullied um And, you know, and that people like it. And so it was sort of developing that really. That was probably the best thing. Yeah. Yeah. I was always, I was absolutely awful at school. A lot of people on the podcast have said the popular kids seem to do sport. I was terrible at sport.

I just tried to make people smile. That was my little kind of I managed to hang out with the cool girls by being the one that made people like smile a little bit and you know and I probably pulled a few boys by being a bit like one of the lads and just kind of being friends with them long enough to just you go out with me then and hang out with them like that but yeah that's what kind of what I did as well what about your flops what's something you look back and you go oh I absolutely regret doing that um I once I once set my pubes on fire uh at a strong one at a party to show off I was just you know like I I like Ellie discovered that you know I used to write sketches and funny songs about people and, you know, that sort of

stuff. And I, you know, I was a bit of a tart for attention and it was always in the school musical and things like that. So yeah, I remember I'd had too much bourbon and Coke and I thought it'd be hilarious to set my pubes on fire at, because, you know, I grew up in the countryside. So parties would be on people's farms and you'd have, you know, a fire in a bin and you'd stand around there and drinking, you know, mixed drinks and things like that. Someone put vodka in it or, you know, you'd still probably creme de menthe from your parents' liquor cabinet. And, yeah, and I regret doing that.

And also at another party someone passed me a bottle of vodka and said said have a swig of this and I took a swig and then a guy turned around to the entire party said Helen that's not vodka that's my piss um so I drank piss the color the color well you know if you're very hydrated or um so yeah so that and so everyone knew that was that was a hard thing that was a very hard thing you know that would happen on a Saturday you do something on Saturday night and then you just feel unwell on the Sunday thinking what the fuck is going to be you know you'd be bracing yourself to go down the school corridor on Monday morning yeah drink someone's piss

wouldn't recommend it oh no I'm not going to tell my children not to do that as well because you know just say don't drink the piss. Were the pubes attached to your body? Had you plucked them? No, no, I set my bush on fire. I actually got a cigarette lighter. I was like, you know, look at me. And also I burned a hole in my T-shirt, which made my mum cross.

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So did you move your pants? Did you take your pants off? All the pants down and set my bush on fire. There you go then. And everybody just clapped. I say bring it back. Let's go bgt bring it back bring the bush back simon he's like yeah well you know there we go i'm sure you get that every episode but that that's just my that's my version of that story you know the people have been like oh i got a d in in maths you'll go well i'd set my pubes on fire i remember going to a party where um pizza was served and after eating it the boys had all put

the pubes on the pizza and we'd eaten the pizza there's a lot of pubes actually and when i was a teacher so this is not teenager um a boy threw a paper airplane across the room that he had filled with his own pubes at me molting in birmingham just shedding just like that he just put them out pop them in flew it across the room and i was like are these your pubes and he was like yeah and i was like well you know you're gonna be in a bit of trouble now and he was like yeah you just did it just for the that's what that's what happens when you're a teacher. So if you could go back in time and talk to yourself then, now, what would you say?

Don't start smoking. Stop with smoking. It's a really bad idea. I'd say that. Yeah, I would say you're going to be all right. You you know I I think you know I I had such a hard time at school and stuff but I don't know that there was a lot I could have done differently and I think if it hadn't been me it would have been some other kid you know I mean I feel like you know it is what it is and I and I don't think there's anything you can necessarily say to a

child going through that that makes it a lot easier beyond all the stuff we know about about oh you're loved and blah blah blah and um I just think I would sort of just say hang hang in there really and it is it is a bit shit isn't it but um it does it it does pass and then you know there's just so many people and you know I didn't even really get this until I was in my 30s, really, that also like people move in and out of your life and sometimes it's to make room for other things or other people or, you know, I had a really strong friendship before I met Helen. And when it ended, I was devastated.

We were best friends for a long time. And when he sort of went away, I was really upset. But then, you know, I met Helen a few years later and I'm not sure we would have had the same relationship if there wasn't space. I don't mean because of that person, specifically, but I just mean of the space in my life and where I was in my life and it, it changed how I thought about myself. And, and then, so I just think, you know, I mean, Helen and I,

we've been doing Scummy Mummies for 10 years now. And I think, you know, obviously it's going to reach a natural end, I think probably the next three or four weeks and we could just move on with our lives and make make room for something making space yes she's making space i'm starting a new double act emma it's called scummy brummies i'm auditioning i'm auditioning people from birmingham now you've done very well so far by the way I didn't tell you this is actually I said I'd come to your podcast there's actually a casting call for me count count with scummy brummies or brummy scummies no scummy brummies yeah it's got a good ring to it we'll do that um I love the podcast because so many like fabulous people have come on who didn't have a great time and it just shows you that you can kind of like

get over it and still achieve and maybe it's because a lot of the people are creative I don't know I wonder if there's some sort of link but there has been a few Laura Adlington and Adam Hatton who was um like the only gay person in his school and he's like so fantastic now and he really struggled so it is um had Ola um on the other day as well and she my gosh, she had like her ribs broken and all sorts. It's just like, if you look at her now, she's just like, it's amazing, like creator. So it's just, Helen, what would you go back and tell yourself? You know, like don't perm your hair.

Don't perm your hair. That's probably a good idea. It was fucked for years. Oh, terrible. She says now. Don't perm your hair and don't try and change to be liked I think that's I think that's it and I just I just didn't feel good enough because I wasn't good at netball or wasn't fast enough or you know I wasn't thin enough you know and I was good enough um and yeah so yeah I

I think I think that that would be it you know, growing up in Australia, everything was very looks-based and very, you know, not based on other things. So, yeah, and you will eventually leave that shit country town. Life is better. Don't worry. In your case, in my case, no, you're fucking stuck there forever. Yeah. I mean, I've never left Birmingham.

I'm literally still. I went to Sheffield because I went to uni in Sheffield because I was like, I can't stay in London. I want to see what the rest of the world is like. I want to see what the north of England is like. I looked at it for three years and went, yeah, I'm going back to Catford. No offence.

I went to Wolverhampton. That's as far. Ooh, fancy pants. Whoa. That's as far as I went. Mind blown. Go back again. Go back again. No, I do as I went. Mind blown. Go back again. Go back again.

No, I do. I do. I do. I do love Birmingham. I think every podcast I've got, I really love Birmingham. My husband, he spent a lot of time growing up in Sutton Coldfield, and he had a lovely time, you know. Oh, that's posh.

Fancy, isn't it? Sutton is posh. Oh, yeah, Sutton. Sutton or Solihull. If anybody says that, everyone goes, oh, where posh they are. We love gigging in Sutton Coldfield, because we always go to the Panache Curry House which if anyone's in the oh I love Panache there's a lot of white leather in

Diamante it's gorgeous gorgeous yes very very there's a lot of nice curry houses and balty houses in Birmingham it's uh what we're what we're famous for really so we've all got I think we've all got teenagers now haven't we how old are Mine, I've got, mine's 10 and 12. She's going to be 13. Yours are similar sort of ages, aren't they? Mine's just about to be 12, my eldest, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I've got a 14-year-old who's, yes, she'll be 15 in October. And my son is about the same age as Ellie's son. So just about 10. 12 on the 9th of June. So, yes, I'm thick in it absolutely in it how do you feel about them growing up as teenagers now versus when we grew up a teen do you think it's easier for them now do you think it was easier for us then what do you reckon I think it's horrific I wouldn't want to be a teenager now I mean I love that the world comes to them

like I love I have really rich debates with my kids and they're you know I love that the world comes to them. Like I love, I have really rich debates with my kids and they're, you know, I love that they've got access to amazing information and, you know, they have such a different, there's such a different experience to me. You know, I love that we can go and experience great cultural stuff, but, but the, the, the pressure and the bullying and the, you know, there's a huge, like in our day there was eating disorders and now there's lots of self harm and huge mental health issues. So I wouldn't, I wouldn't want it, but you know, I do love lying in bed next to my teenagers, looking at TikToks for an hour and just being myself. That's, that's our joy.

Which was like, let's do our happy thing. We just basically look at cat videos for an hour. I never did that with my mom. That's really fun. I just love it mindlessly just like scroll and also like some people are so funny and different you're like just looking at some woman doing something and I'm like crying with laughter at this random stranger no I do love that and I love the fact that you might be a little bit easier to find your tribe and a little bit easier to find your people but I don't like the aspect that obviously like stuff that we would have done when teenagers could have been filmed

and uploaded that yeah terrifies me that does that does really really worry me about what about you Ellie yeah I well I liked this part of it wants to think maybe it's a protective thing because if I like to think that some of the stuff I did as a teenager I maybe wouldn't have done if they were there were cameras around and stuff but then I don't know I don't I'm such a dickhead I probably would have so I don't it's hard to know definitely yeah I'm trying to think would I still have got my boobs out and squidged them against windows and coaches probably and if a man was filming it I'd have been like oh a little a little jingle like that no teaching career for, because that would have been cropped back up again. Yeah, it does worry me.

I do think that Erin, who's 12, I do think she's more accepting than when... Because when there was no... There would be no lesbians at my school. I mean, there obviously was, but we would never have talked about it. There was nothing... Mental health was never, ever mentioned, ever. Was it at your schools? It was just, you might have gone all there a bit mad. At my school, it wasn't, no. And, and calling someone gay,

when I was at school, calling someone gay was still an insult kind of thing. But then when I got to this sort of much more liberal sixth form, it was quite a trendy thing. Like it was very, there were an awful lot of lesbians that I would say proportionally, like it can't, many of them, it was, there were an awful lot of lesbians like I would say proportionally like it can't many of them it was there were seasonal lesbians uh would last for a few for a few weeks um so it was different and yeah and then it's different again now and I think that's I think hopefully people like our sons are at the same school they're at a boys school and they're very big on the Black Lives Matter stuff they're very big on the black lives matter stuff they're very big on the lgbqt stuff

and they have you know pride club and they have newsletters and stuff and all like that and i think that's fantastic so hopefully you know i think it's easy to be very like you know i wouldn't so i mean i probably i wouldn't swap i don't think but i think although the internet and social media has made made shit obviously a lot harder in a lot of ways and many of which I don't really understand um I think things have got better for teenagers in other ways so I do you know what I think being a teenager for most of us if not all of us is just always going to be a bit shit there's always going to be something isn't there always going to be a little bit shit it's not it's never going to I am what did you have you seen the Judy Bloom documentary no I just watched the movie I watched the new um margaret film which was good yeah yeah i'm gonna

watch that i'm really looking forward to it so i didn't realize are you there god it's me margaret was written in 1970 and when i was reading it in 1992 i was like yes i thought that was written for me and it just shows that teenage eternal truths are just always we're always going to be wanting for our period or having our first kiss it's just like then everyone will be going through the same stuff that i was going through 30 years ago it's just the eternal shitness exactly but also there's the feeling of the first kiss and the feeling of the you know the kind of like the lovely bits that we'll never get to experience again because we're ancient old yes

ended on a bit of a that's right we're all going to die that's right she will Helen will Helen will I I mean I won't be oh maybe I'll get a first kiss again I don't know sorry Stephen if you don't worry he doesn't um but no but you you're having first kisses again aren't you yeah yeah and that's that's I think you know there are a few nice things about divorce and being able to almost feel like a teenager again has been but but but with the you know with a very wrinkly body um and and but also just experiencing feeling those sort of the anticipation of something new and an unknown world and an unknown path in life. I think that's the beautiful thing about teenagers is their optimism

and their, oh, I'm going to travel one day and making plans. They're not jaded. And I think to have a bit of, you know, a taste of that again has been fantastic. And I have, you know, got tattoos and I haven't pierced anything yet but uh you know I've I've done done a whole lot of quite juvenile things and drunk too much and spewed in wrong places and things like that but um I'm learning I'm getting better and yeah and I have yes I know so it's all very I'm gonna ask one last question and it's a very you know frivolous question were

you a blur or were you oasis if you had to pick absolutely oasis there was no hesitation there wasn't oasis no to be honest emma i was a pulp i was like properly proper like massive into pulp we used to go and see them all the time i had the big poster of his and hers on my wall and uh i really really fancy Jarvis Cocker so I was I was in deep with pulp um and really sweetly for my birthday this year my husband um secretly bought tickets to the pulp gig in Hyde Park this summer or Finsbury Park with Sun Park and he even he bought four tickets and he was like these are for you and you're i you said you don't have to invite me these are for you and your mates who you're really into pulp with when you're all like

17 and i was like oh god you're not a prick that's really nice oh that's so lovely yeah so it would have both been oasis um but blur one didn't they that's the i don't know if that's the moral of the story i don't know i think lots of moral of the story I don't know I think lots of people have said Oasis no one likes a winner look at the fucking Tories they've been in power for years and on that note wait were you Emma were you Blair I'm not gonna ask you Labour or Tory were you Blair or Oasis um I was I can't I feel like i feel like i was oasis i feel like i might have just bought both i can't yeah i can't remember didn't you oh yeah you had to have both i suppose they were both a bit moany weren't they but at least like liam was moaning about like having too much balls and fags

and damon was just moaning about yeah posh people i didn't like they're too posh i think i probably fancied both of them but i think i probably fancied everybody yeah when i was that age i think i just fancied them all my husband's just messaging he's like look there's me talking about fancying other men and he's messaging and i'm like honestly i feel like i'm cheating on him right scuba mummies it has been wonderful to have you on the podcast thank you very much i will see you soon um they are when did your tour finish uh oh never oh we just keep touring we never stop we're making money we've got to go and see it because it is really really really funny right ladies i love you lots thank you thank you very much for coming on thank you we love you emma bye told you they were great they're so funny as i said you must go and check

them out and go and listen to their podcast they're the kind like when you go and see them live you're like crying laughing it's I love rude sense of humor I just do just really makes me laugh so it's really really funny but what I wanted you help if you're listening to this in the present time I want your help because I'm going to do an episode with my sister coming up soon about kids tv so if you're listening to this in the present time I want your help because I'm going to do an episode with my sister coming up soon about kids tv so if you don't know my sister writes for Horrible Histories and she's done Mr Tumble and Dennis and Nasher and loads of things and what I would love for you to do is um let me know on Instagram maybe or you could perhaps email anything let me know what children's tv shows you would love us to talk about we're going to do a kids tv show bonanza and it's going to be those you know those shows that they're terrifying and you wouldn't have it on you wouldn't get

grot bags on the telly today you wouldn't have choccy on the telly today you wouldn't have um pj being blinded by um what were they called? Paintballs. You wouldn't have that today. So I want to know what you want me to talk about. And of course, on Spotify, I always do a vote. Would love you to take part in that. And reviews always nice.

A little cheeky review. My dad always leaves one. My dad's always leaving one. I'd love a review from somebody. It's not my dad. Maybe some five stars over on Apple or spotify wherever i uh love you i have a fantastic week and i will see you back next week for another episode bye guys fanduel casino daily jackpots guaranteed to hit by 11 p.m. with your chance at the number one feeling, winning.

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