The Prepper Broadcasting Network - Raising Values: Asking For Help or Being Prideful

Episode Date: February 4, 2024

https://www.facebook.com/RaisingValuesPodcast/www.pbnfamily.comhttps://www.instagram.com/raisingvaluespodcast/http://www.mofpodcast.com/www.prepperbroadcasting.comhttps://rumble.com/user/Mofpodcastwww.youtube.com/user/philrabWomen Who Prep Conference: Come See GillianSupport the showMerch at: https://southerngalscrafts.myshopify.com/Shop at Amazon: http://amzn.to/2ora9riPatreon: https://www.patreon.com/mofpodcastGillian and Phil have both been fiercely independent people ever since they met, preferring to be self sufficient whenever possible. Today, they sit down to talk about where the line is between independent and prideful, when to ask for and accept assistance, and how true strength is shown by a person admitting when they need some help.Raising Values Podcast is live-streaming our podcast on YouTube channel, Facebook page, and Rumble. See the links above, join in the live chat, and see the faces behind the voices.family, traditional, values, christian, marriage, dating, relationship, children, growing up, peace, wisdom, self improvement, masculinity, feminity, masculine, feminine

Welcome to the Raising Values Podcast, where the traditional family talks. You can find us on iTunes, Stitcher, and Spotify, and be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. You can support the Raising Values Podcast through Patreon. Bill and Gillian are behind the mic, and we hope you enjoy the show. welcome back to raising values we were off last week because somebody had an occasion to celebrate but now she's back i'm here and i wasn't i didn't have a hangover i had so many people text me i was like how was the hangover and it's like i only drank one little what i don't know what my brother-in-law gave me but it was it wasn't very good i've already told him but um i only drank one of those and then like true old people we came back to the house

at about 9 30 had coffee had coffee and more cake and then we went to bed because we were tired and old and this is back to my sister-in-law fell asleep on the couch so it was a full day of celebrating um and this is always the hilarious part to me is because for all these years you've been giving me all sorts of hell about being the old man in the house. And you turned 40 and immediately just went straight into old lady mode. No, no, no. I will never, ever lie about what time I go to bed at night. I have a co-worker that makes fun of me. Not makes fun of me, but she teases me because we eat dinner by 5, 5.30, She teases me because we eat dinner by 5, 530, sometimes a little earlier.

And then we're in bed by 9 o'clock, 930 at night. And then lights are usually out by 10. Like we're, we've always been old. But anyway, and then she's up till midnight and she's like exercising at 10 o'clock at night. And I'm like, wait, the only thing I'm exercising 10 o'clock at night is dreamland. That's it. Like not doing any of that. So you have happy birthday wishes. Oh, thank you, Ben. Thanks, Nina. I appreciate that. I appreciate it. It was a really good celebration. My husband and my sister and sister-in-law did an amazing job. I couldn't have asked for, Sister and sister-in-law did an amazing job. I couldn't have asked for, I mean, they really took a vision that I had and then turned it into reality.

And so I'm super, super happy about that. I'm glad that my husband and my sisters saw how much stress I was under and planning my own birthday party. And they're like, go have a seat. I need you to go have a seat. We're going to do this. You're not doing your own birthday party. You're not planning it.

You're not setting it up. You're not doing any of those things. Go have a seat. And so I went and had a seat. And it all got done. It got done. And it was kind of funny because the day of, Phil and my other brother-in-law went to go pick up the cake

and they brought it to the restaurant. And I get this text from Phil. I'm getting a tattoo with my sister at the time. And I get this text from Phil and he goes, the party's set up. It's ready. And it's like not even one o'clock in the afternoon yet. It was noon. And I'm texting back going, what do you mean set up?

Like the flowers are set up and everything? And he goes, everything's set up. And I was like, tables are set up? Everything's set up? And I was like, oh, Lord. And so I looked at my sister, and I was like, we're going to have to go to the restaurant. She goes, no, I'll take you home, and I'll go see what the boys have done. Y'all, they did so good.

They did so good. No faith. I'm sorry, Mr. Night Vision helmet and body armor. I didn't think that you could set up flowers on a couple of tables. I mean, he even set up the cake table. But let's call it. He did so good. But let's call it what it is.

In another lifetime. What were you, gay? No. I used to be in the military. I'm planning an operation. Executing is kind of a thing. So like whether it's setting up flowers on a table, whether it's setting up for a party or, you know, planning how to do things in the dark and hood rat stuff. I mean.

Wait, so you. It was dark and it's hood rat stuff. I mean... Wait, so you... It was dark and it's hood rat? No, what I'm saying is... My party didn't look hood rat. No. What I'm saying is that from the moment you said... From the moment you gave me the green light to get involved, it was like six days and we had the venue done,

the menu done, you and I... The invitations. Yeah, design and order the invitations. Like 90% of the party was done in six days. Yeah, in like six days. And here I was, I'd been stressing for months and looking for help and asking for help and I wasn't getting any help. All she had to do was ask me. And then I was told to have a seat. And then in a week, everything was pretty much done. Pretty much done. But it was wonderful. And I am excited to be 40 and not at all scared of my 40s. I'm actually looking forward to my 40s. I know I've been talking about my 40th birthday on the podcast for

quite some time. But it was a milestone for me. I know a lot of people are scared of it. My twin sister was not happy to be turning 40. But she's just a beautiful person, and she has nothing to be scared of, although she is already a grandmother. She became a grandmother last year. So Maumau up in North Louisiana finally became, quote, unquote, old. So we just tease each other. I always tease her anyway because she's a minute older than me. So she's always the older sister.

And you're always the baby. And I'm the baby. Anyway. Anyway. So today's episode was one of those. I'm excited for you, Nina. Sorry, Nina's turning 42. That's a milestone.

So I'm excited for Nina's birthday. I don't understand. Even though I've never met you. I don't understand why it works out this way, but there are people that are super excited for the 40s, people that dread their 40s, and then people that, like, I guess me, that were just like, the difference between 39 and 40 is what?

Well, and I kept asking you, well, what do you want to do for your birthday? What do you want to do for your birthday? What do you want to do for your birthday? And granted, there was a couple of things going on in our family at the time that were... I mean, I was caring for a family member that was recovering from surgery. Right. And not just surgery, heart surgery. So let's just say that a big 40th celebration was just not in the cards for me that year. I had things to do. No, but then any year, I think the most we've ever done for you, I think when you turned 30, we had dinner at Ruby Tuesdays with a cookie cake. And that was the most, that was the biggest party we've ever thrown for Phil, at least in the 20 years that I've been with him. But I've always been a simple person. Like what I want for my birthday is I want to spend it with friends and I want to spend it in a relaxing environment,

which for the last, you know, 10 years, I'm a homebody. I'd rather be here in the privacy of my own home with the people I care about the most around me. And that's it. I don't want, I don't want to be out. I don't want to go have a big party. I don't want to go to the bars. It's not me. It never has. It hasn't been me for 20 years. Yeah. Pretty much since Iraq, you know, rapidly aged me from my 20s all the way into my 30s all in one shot. Well, one day we'll have a big party for Phil. Who knows? Maybe. Maybe. But it was a good, it was a good birthday. But today's topic. Yes, today's topic. So Gillian came to me the other day with this idea in her head of like, because she and I have both been like very, very independent. We were very independent people before we met.

You know, very much stand on our own two feet, very much take care of our own business. And I think sometimes that made the two of us like coming together. Morning, Jo. Morning, Joe. Morning, Joe. Thank you. I think that made the two of us coming together more difficult sometimes because we were so fiercely independent. And it was, I don't know, I don't know like where the line between I don't want to give up my independence was. I think that's what, yeah, that, I'm sorry, or the line.

Or the line between just, I don't ask for help, I can figure it out myself. Like, I feel like for me, it was the latter, but I feel like it was the former for you. I think that's what made the first handful of years of our relationship so rocky was because here I have what I would have called an alpha at that time. And that is what our friends actually characterized the two of us as. The girl, the woman now, who got us together, who played matchmaker, said that we're both strong, independent alpha in our friend groups or whatever. And I've always been attracted to that. Well, not anymore. I just have that one attraction to you now.

Good save, babe. Good save. Anyway, now we know it's not so much alpha as it, what is it? Sigma. Sigma. So I think we're both Sigmas. But we were always, those first few years, we were always like battling each other with, no, I've got it. Like, leave me the hell alone. I'm a grown ass woman. I can handle my own business. I don't

need you to swoop in and save me, all that stuff. And you were very much the same way. Like, save me, all that stuff. And you were very much the same way. Like, I got it. I'm a man. Like, I just fought in a war. Like, you sit over there, lady, and make me a sandwich. That's not how you really were.

But you never asked me for help. No, never. But I didn't either. Yeah. And I feel like there was an element. And at the same time that made the two of us learning how to live with each other difficult, it was also the attraction. Because, like, I'd been very frail with you from the word go that I, the whole reason why I'd made it as far into my 20s as I, the whole reason that before I met you, I'd given up on getting married. I'd given up. I said to hell with it.

This is not going to happen. I'm just going to be a bachelor for the rest of my life. It was purely because I hadn't met a woman yet I felt like was independent enough for me to be able to cohabitate with her. I don't need another child. I don't need another dependent. I need a woman who's going to keep up with me, a woman who's going to help me achieve my goals, and I going to help her achieve her goals. And I need a woman who's self-driven to achieve things on her own. You know how I am. And I wanted a wife that I felt like was going to keep up with me and push me to work harder, not someone that was going to be a constant drain and siphon on my effort and my energy. And I found that in you and I had dated a whole

bunch of girls before you that didn't measure up to that. I, on the other hand, was running away from being the caretaker of everyone, taking care of this. And it wasn't like just physically taking care of people. It was emotionally taking care of people. And we met right after, it was two years after my car accident. And if you don't know that story, then you can ask me. But anyway, I was still trying to learn how to walk again. And I was still trying to learn how to be independent again. I mean, there was a time during that period where I couldn't even wipe my own butt. I couldn't bathe myself. I couldn't get out of the bed by myself. I was in a wheelchair and I couldn't do anything by myself. And so at that time in my life where I was walking without a

walker or walking without a cane or walking without whatever at 19, 20 years old. I didn't want anybody's help. I could do everything by myself. I could bathe myself. I could go out. I could do, I could drive. I could do everything by myself. And then here comes Phil. Here comes Phil. And I was like, I got this, dude. We got this. But anyway, I don't see myself as being a prideful person. Hang on. I got to think about that. You talk and I'll think.

I should have thought about this before. I don't know. Maybe I am prideful. So I think now Gillian reminded me of the saying, you know, pride comes before the fall. And that's kind of where we fed into this whole thing from that angle of like, you know, there are people who do not ask for help out of a sense of pride. And a certain amount of pride, I feel like, is warranted. You know, like your right to be proud of your accomplishments, your right to be proud of your independence. But when that pride stops you from asking for help, when you really, really, really

need it. Now it's now, now we've crossed over into the point where the pride becomes a problem, you know, like for me. Yeah. And I was talking to you about this the other day. Like I was the way I was raised. I was raised, figure your own problems out, dig yourself out of your own holes, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Like I was raised to be

very independent and never because my parents wouldn't help or couldn't help. But because, you know, my dad told me at a young, at a fairly young age, like there's going to be a day when I'm not going to be here. I'm not going to be here to help you with your problems. I'm not going to be here to save you from yourself. And you're going to have to figure it out on your own. So in preparation for that, before we got to that point, because thankfully my parents are both still here, I was taught if you can get yourself out of the hole you're in. Oh, the daughter.

Our daughter is motioning to us that the cat apparently ejected a hairball in her room. But I was raised that way. Like, if you can fix your own problem, fix your own problem. It was never a sin to ask for help if you needed it. But it was a sin to ask for help if you didn't need it. If that makes sense. Like, if you're asking for help just because you're being lazy and you want somebody to do it for you, that's a problem. But if you're asking for help because like I've done everything reasonable

and rational to fix this myself and I just cannot do it, asking for help is actually like a very mature, very adult thing. Yeah, it's really hard to tuck your tail. And I think that's the funny part is that in my family you weren't tucking your tail if you went if you asked somebody for help if you genuinely needed it because all the effort you expended before you asked for that help kind of was your absolution if that makes sense it's like it's like if i went to my if i went to my dad right here now and said hey financially i'm screwed i need went to my dad right here and now and said, hey, financially, I'm screwed. I need help.

If my dad felt like I got myself in this situation by spending money recklessly, he'd help me out. But there'd be a lesson to be learned from this experience. Yeah. And I would deserve it. And he would administer it. But if I came to my dad and said, I'm here through no fault of my own. I've done everything possible to avoid this. I'm just screwed.

There would be no penance, so to say. There would be no, I'm going to tell you what you did wrong. He's like, no, you did everything. You did everything I would have done. You wound up here through no fault of your own. So there is no tucking your tail. It's just sometimes circumstance gets you. Well, I think, but even then it's hard to ask for help.

gets you. Well, I think, but even then it's hard to ask for help. So my, my phrase of tucking your tail is, you know, no one, I don't think anyone really wants to feel like they've reached the end of their rope and like they have to reach out for help. I don't know. Maybe some people do, but I, I always see it as like, I've, I've gotten to the end. I can't do this anymore. I get what you're saying. I just, I don't know, maybe my brain, I just need to talk it through today. Let it rip. No, no, I mean like I understand and I agree with what you're saying.

Like tucking your tail, for some it's the pride thing. It is now I really have to swallow my pride and really have to tuck my tail and ask for help. And I think Nina brings up a really good point. And Nina, I'm going to read your comment and said, I always had trouble asking for help with my kids when they were little. I felt like I'm the mom. I should be able to do it all. I totally agree with you with that, because that's how I felt in the first. Yeah, that's how I felt in the first yeah that's how I felt in the first few years of having Piper but what I think is there the underlying like thing that is there is that as moms and even as parents we're given like there's so much pressure on us to do and be and, you know, be there, do this, do that.

You have to be able to do that. When I had Piper, before I even got in the hospital, I had nurses telling me, wait, you're going to give her formula? That's not what a mom should do. You should breastfeed. Well, I couldn't breastfeed. And it was like, well, so I struggled with that for weeks about I got to breastfeed. I got to breastfeed. She's losing weight.

I'm not healthy. And then finally, my husband was like, babe, I was adopted and never breastfed. I was formula from the word go. That was it. And I'm fine. It's questionable. No, I'm joking. But I am a happy, well-adjustjusted obviously not underweight or you know like with

a learning disability so obviously it didn't hurt me in any way but I think there's so much pressure just that's thrust upon people in different aspects of lie in their lives and different things that they're you know a part of or where they are there you know what I'm saying like there's just different pressures that are put on people. And I agree. I, I too thought I was failing my husband and my child because I wasn't this textbook mom, or this Facebook mom, that, you know, there were moments where I wondered when the unicorns and the puppy dogs were going to happen. And when was I going to bond with this child? And I didn't want anything to do with her.

Like her cries sent me into like spirals. And, you know, it was just there wasn't this magical moment for me until she was probably two. A little bit before that. too, a little bit before that. But I think with pride, we have to understand that there's pressures that are put on us, but we accept those pressures. It took me a while to be like, I'm not these moms. And it took an old girlfriend of mine to say, you have no idea what medicine she's on. You don't know what anti-anxiety pills she takes daily to look like she's focused in this great, you know, textbook mom. And I'm like, she's right. She's right.

And in spite of all that, at that moment, you did accept help from me. Because, I mean, I basically, for the first several months of Piper's life, I mean, I basically took care of you and her single-handedly for the most part. Well, at two weeks, my mom called and said, me and your dad are concerned. And I was concerned and you were concerned and just, like, you had taken care of everything except for, like, breastfeeding. And I mean, I was already dealing with, not just that I had a baby, but like I almost died in childbirth. I have a lot of traumatic stories.

I almost died giving birth to Piper. I mean, they were rushing in bags of blood and all that stuff. And that could be a story for another date if I haven't told you. But so when I got home, I was dealing with the aftermath of. Basically a train wreck. Dying with a newborn baby who I had to breastfeed and was not producing milk. And there, you know,

was not producing milk and there, you know, there was not anyway. So my mom comes in and she hands me two, um, anti-anxiety. I can't remember what they were. And she said, take these. And I slept for two days, which I needed to, cause my body needed to recover. I had stitches and I, I mean, I literally almost died on the table or in the bed. But, um, I didn't even, at that point, I didn't even ask for help. I accepted it. It was offered. I accepted it. And- You weren't in a position to not accept it. I couldn't. I don't think I would have made it had I not accepted the help. So my mom comes in and she stays for a little while and her and Phil are doing everything with the baby and I'm in the bed. And it was, it was rough, but I was not in a position to not accept the help. I don't know where, what would have happened had I not accepted the help. Had I just been like, mom, we got this

and then turned her away at the door. I like, she didn't, I don't even remember her saying I'm coming over. She talked to me. Oh, okay. Well, I didn't, I just know she came in and I started crying and she handed me the pills and I took the pills and I went to sleep for like two days. Well, and to be fair, when she sent you to bed, she also told me, she said, you need to sleep. Yeah. So, I mean, I gave her a piper. I went and laid down, got I think six, seven, eight hours of sleep, woke up and I went right back to it. But I mean.

I will always be grateful for that. Yeah. But I guess for me, you know, again, always be grateful for that. Yeah. But I guess for me, you know, I, again, it was always the fact, it was like, I told her when she said she wanted to come over and help. I'm like, I'm not going to turn you down, but if you can't make it, like, I'll handle it. Because I was still in, I was still in that mode of like, as long as I'm getting like three, four hours of sleep a night, I can keep this up pretty much indefinitely. I mean, we used to joke that being a combat veteran was really good practice for having a newborn.

I was about to say, there were times where I'm sure you thought, damn, I wish I was back in Iraq. This is not as easy as Iraq. I mean, Iraq was easier sometimes. I don't know if I would trade like a year in Iraq versus that first year with Piper. That was rough. Yeah, that was rough. And Nina said, I can't even imagine the PTSD from that alone is so much. That is why we are one and done. That's why Piper has no siblings.

We talked about having more kids when Piper. You really wanted more kids. I wanted four kids from the time I was little. I vetoed that idea. You know how girls dream about their families one day and getting married and naming their children. I wanted four kids. And then we had Piper. And then like two years later, I was like, do you want to try for another one? And Phil's like, no, absolutely not. Am I putting myself through that? Or you through

that? Or Piper? No, we're not having any more kids. And so I had to go through this whole phase of, I had to tell someone this the other day, a couple of days ago. A grieving. A grieving process of this is it as, you know, I'm not going to have any more children and I won't have that feeling of growing a child in my womb again. And I won't have all those feelings of being a mom again and all that stuff. So I did have to go through a grieving process after we decided not to, but man, you know, the song, thank God for unanswered prayers. Thank God for those unanswered prayers, for sure. Well, and for me, this, I mean, that was a purely rational, I thought a purely rational

decision because like when you came to me, I was like, I've heard every argument that, well, there's nothing to say the next one won't be as rough as the first one was. But my point of view was I'm like, yeah, but there's one thing different in the equation now. And that's the fact that, you know, when we had Piper, I was in the process of getting laid off from work. Yeah. So you were at home.

I was, I was at home. I mean, you know, yeah, we didn't have the, we, I was whining out of the last few months of my employment. I had thankfully put away a chunk of money in the savings account to float me until I got another job. And I was job hunting while taking care of her, while taking care of you, which is why I was always sleeping like four hours a night. And, but at the same time, like we make it here. Well, but we,

we made it because in my, in my humble opinion, being the, you know, rabid Christian that I am, I think God maneuvered those pieces on the chessboard and put us right where we needed to be. We had a lot of good family too.

Yeah. That came in and swooped in and helped. So, but at the end of the day, I, I, it was like a told Gillian, I'm like, if we do this again and this happens again,

I have to go back to work because I'm going to have a job. And if I stay out long enough, something bad is going to happen. So you're going to have to be able to stand up on your own two feet and do this, and you couldn't last time. I couldn't. You're right. No. And at the same time, know like call what it is every

year older a woman gets the risk of childbirth gets greater so like you were well i was already told that i probably wouldn't be able to have any more children after but you were what 28 when piper was born yeah and by the time we decided this is it, you were 31, I think, 32. Yeah. So at that point I was like, the variables here are telling me this is a really bad decision to try to have more children. Yeah. We weren't like completely averse to it at first, but we weren't trying.

And then eventually we made the decision, that's it. Yeah. And my doctor did say, and I'm going to not get this statistic right, but I want to say she told me that the postpartum, the chances of having postpartum the same or worse, was it like 70% for a second child? Great. And so that was the big kicker for me. Like I can't go through the depression and the anxiety and the panic and, you know, all of that stuff all over again. And it lasted for years. And then physically,

she said that I probably wouldn't be able to have any more children because of all the damage. Piper literally broke the mold. Figuratively and literally. Anyway, so that there was that physical aspect of almost dying during the first childbirth and then either having to have a c-section or not being able to get off the the table or the bed whatever you want to say during childbirth again. So I didn't want to risk it. I wanted my family to have a wife and a mother. So, uh, so yeah, so we decided not to, but anyway, I don't know how we got down this road from being prideful. Asking for help. Oh,

asking. Yeah. For help with the baby. So yeah. Yeah. But there's been a lot of times where I made it to the end and had, again, had to tuck my tail and was like, I really need some help. Or when it comes to you, it's more of me sitting in the bed crying and not asking so much for help, but explaining my case so that you'll understand. So the words of I need help don't actually come out of my mouth, but you pick up on it enough to know, okay, I'm here to help. I got you. So that's nice.

But as far as like asking for help, I can't remember a time. And it's probably because it's been like so small of and not necessarily insignificant but small times where I've had to ask for help but in the bigger parts of my life

it was hard for me to ask but I knew I needed it I've got one that you probably forgot about oh boy let's hear it. You remember when we were freshly married, living in the apartment? We divided the bills. Okay, so as weird as it sounds. We'll get to your question, Joe.

That's a good one. But, you know, we've always had divided checking accounts. We've both always worked. We've both always, like, split things down the middle because that was just, again, two fiercely independent people. That was the best way for the two of us to be able to cohabitate was we're going to share responsibility for everything. Rather than if there's going to be a this is your job, then it's because this is my job. And we've always tried to balance things. I told Gillian years ago if she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and housewife, I'm like, I can make that happen. We're going to have to adjust some things. Like I told Gillian years ago, if she wanted to be a stay at home mom and housewife,

I'm like, I can make that happen. We're going to have to adjust some things. We're going to have to live where we can afford to live. We're going to have to be able to live within our means, but I can make that happen. She decided not to. And I said, okay, well then if you're going to go work, I'll help out with the housework. We're going to split the bills. You know, we're going to do this evenly, as evenly as possible. But when we first got married, at the time, you were making more than I was, and most of my money was going to tuition because I was in college for a year after we got married, and you were supposed to pay the rent. And then there was that month, I think like a couple of days before the rent was due, where you came to me, hat in your hand.

Gee, I had forgotten about that, Phil. Tail tucked. It's tucked again. And you came to me and said, I can't pay the rent. Like just was short. You know, payday was after the rent was coming. You didn't have it. It came to me, and I couldn't tell at the time if you were shocked or mad that I immediately just said,

that's fine. I got it. I don't think mad. Why would I be mad because you were calm about it and didn't rake me over the cold? It was more shock of I've really expected to be like handed my ass at this point because I couldn't afford to, you know, make ends meet for my budget. Oh, that was tough. But the good thing that came out of it was because you came to me and said, hey, I need help and call it what it is. I mean, at that point, the only thing I was spending money on was like gas, insurance, and college. Cause I was just, I mean, I was still a college student, you know, I was working full time. I was working 55, 60 hours a week, putting myself through college,

but I was still in college. So I didn't spend my money on anything except you and I going out once a week and you know, important stuff. So I had money sitting off on the side. And when you said, Hey, I can't pay the rent, I was like, not a problem. I got it. I've got the money because I've been saving. I've got that emergency fund just in case. But the good thing that came out was like that was when you and I sat down and had a real conversation about budgeting and figuring out how to plan your money. And your spending habits improved 200% after that.

You've never had a problem paying bills again. No. I was just so embarrassed, I guess, that I didn't ever want to be in that position again. But I have gotten in that position before. Last month? Okay, anyway. Anyway, we're moving on. We're not talking about Gillian's finances.

Well, no, but we were talking about asking for help. It's still hard for me to ask you for help for money stuff. Our accounts are still separate. We don't have a joint account. We don't have a joint account anywhere. I take care of bills, and you take care of bills. We just split it. And a lot of that is based on our income.

And so I take a lot of the smaller bills and you take the bigger chunk of bills. Which was the inverse years and years ago when I made less than you did. Right. We've always tried to split things relative to how much the two of us were bringing in. We've always tried to split things relative to like how much the tubas were bringing in. But, and we also know that between November and February, money is tight because of Christmas and birthdays and, you know, all the stuff that happens during that time. And so when it comes to like some finances and then, oh, and then of course, like for instance, this month,

some medical bills popped up because I, I've had to go see the doctor a couple of times, which is not a big deal. Everything's fine. I'm just, anyway, I, I had had, I have had to come to you and say, can you pay this? Like, and it wasn't like it was, it was less than 50 bucks, but that's how, that's how much right now, well, not right now anymore, but a couple of weeks ago, that's how tight things were was I can't pay this $35 copay and I need you to step in. Can you just pay this please? Yeah.

And I could. I know, but what I'm trying to say is it's still hard for me to go, well, could you just pay for this part? And then I'll pay for this part? And then I'll pay for that. And, like, it's still hard for me to swap our finances and say, well, can you pay this bill this month? Because you feel like that's your responsibility. Well, yeah, I feel like it's my responsibility. And I also feel like I have somehow blundered this, and now I can't take care of my responsibilities. And now I'm having to go to my husband to take care of my responsibilities.

And so, yeah, the pride thing is there for sure. I still, of course, I'm a very prideful person, even though at the beginning of this show I said I wasn't. But I am a very prideful person. Oh, God, yes, you are. I don't know. But, yes, so I still have to ask you for help sometimes. And I don't like it. I still don't like it.

Even after the first time I had to ask you for help. I still don't like it. And me, on the other hand, like, I don't know. I don't feel like I have a hard time asking for help. I think, for me, it really just comes down down to like, again, the way I was raised, like before I asked for help, it's before I asked for help, one of two things is going to happen. Either I'm asking for help with something so that I can put my effort somewhere else. Like, like a Kate, you know, there, there are certain house chores I take care of. And occasionally I'll ask you or Piper, Billy, Hey, can y'all fold that laundry so I can go take care of this? Yeah. And usually that's because I can fold the

laundry. I'm capable of doing that. But you and Piper can't do this other thing that needs to be done and I can. So to me, it's like, if I'm going to do this, if y'all do this, then I can get to this faster. We can all be done faster. Yeah. But on the other hand, for me, it's a lot the way I was raised. It's like, if you're going to ask for help, you better have done everything you can by yourself. Like don't wait until it's an emergency. That's the other road we need to go down because that's what we had talked about. That's where we're heading. I'm glad you're on that.

Don't wait until it's an emergency. Don't make it an emergency by waiting the last possible minute to ask for help. But if there's something you can do to fix the problem, you should fix the problem yourself. That's just your responsibility as a grown person. Like I can remember a time when I was, before you and I met, I was probably my first or second semester at a university in New Orleans. I was living at home with mom and dad and like at that time my dad had my checking account linked to his because they were both through the same credit union and it was always done that way like if i got into a bad situation my dad could throw some money into

my account to get you know get me by and he just happened to log on to look at his accounts and saw mine had 20 in it now i'm working a part-time job. I'm going school full time, but I got $20 in my account. And my dad stopped me and was like, why didn't you tell me that you ran out of money? And I'm like, I'm not. And he was like, you only have $20 in your checking account. And I'm like, but I'm fine. Like I get paid on Friday. And I think this might've been like Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm like, I get paid on Friday. I've got a full tank of gas. My car insurance paid, my cell phone bills paid. I don't need anything from now until payday. I'm like, I get paid on Friday. I've got a full tank of gas. My car insurance is paid. My cell phone bill is paid. I don't need anything from now until payday. I'm good. If I needed help, I'd ask. I feel like that's how I live my life every two weeks.

I mean, that's just called adulthood. But my point is, that was my dad saying, if you needed help, you should have asked. And me saying, if I needed help, I would have. If you needed help, you should have asked. And me saying, if I needed help, I would have. If I thought I was in danger of running out of gas between now and payday, I would ask. If I had to pay tuition, I would ask. But I wasn't in those situations. My very last semester at SLU before I graduated, I mean, bear in mind that I was working full time. We were living together. We were married. I mean, but money was still tight. Money was very tight that first few

years when we were first establishing ourselves like most people are. But I ended up going to my dad because I was getting paid on, I think, a Friday, but I had to pay the bursar's office for that semester by Tuesday. You see what I'm saying? And I didn't have it. I was going to have it three days later. But I literally call my dad up and I'm like, look, this is the situation. I get paid on Friday.

I have to pay the bursar's office by Tuesday or I can't start the semester. If you don't have the money, I'll go get a payday advance loan or whatever. I'll go figure this out. I have other options. But before I do something that involves like a 50% interest rate or something crazy, I'm asking, can you help? And all I was asked for from my dad was basically to loan me like I think $600 so I could pay for the semester and I'd pay him back three days later. He wrote me a check and said, you've put yourself through four years of college and haven't asked me for a cent consider this a graduation present which you know that was well well appreciated but again i went to my dad because i was like before this turns into an

emergency or before i just pull the plug on finishing my college degree i'm asking for help yeah so like i think for me, it was always an element of if you need help and it's, I need help because of a self-inflicted wound, you're going to have to hear about that self-inflicted wound. You know what I'm saying? You're going to, we're going to have to, and for my, for the way I grew up, it was never, I'm going to tell you about this to make you feel bad about it. It was, I'll help you, but part of helping you means making sure you don't do this to yourself again. Again, that old adage of parents are our teachers.

For my parents, it was always, I'll dig you out of this hole. That's going to happen because you're my son. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. But I have to teach you how not to get in this hole again. Because if I don't teach you that, I'm not fixing the problem. The problem isn't I got in trouble or the problem is not I'm in trouble. The problem is I got myself in trouble. So anyway, we have to go catch up on a couple of things that fired away. Joe said family has to be teamwork, especially when babies are new.

I took the night shifts with the formula bottle so the wife could sleep and be a day mom. I don't know. I didn't sleep that first couple of years. I'm glad y'all got some sleep during your children's first years. Joe, I'm joking. I do remember, though, like there were times when I would like Piper, especially because she had such bad gastric reflux when she was first born. Like there were times she could not sleep laying down. They thought that, I can't remember if they thought that her inner workings were going

in reverse or I can't remember. I know she had to have a lot of tests and they were really hard. The flap at the top of her stomach that's supposed to keep the food in there when she lays on her side, they thought that may not have formed. Oh, okay. Yeah. So they were- I can't remember. They were concerned she might be- I remember there being a lot of uncomfortable tests that had to happen. Yeah. It wasn't pleasant. But there were a lot of nights I slept.

I sat in that recliner. Yeah, so you had to sleep sitting up. I'd sit Piper on my lap, put her head against my chest, throw a blanket over the two of us, and she would just have her head up against my chest, listen to my heartbeat. She'd be out 15 or 20 seconds. And then, by the grace of god because the army taught me to sleep anywhere i would sleep sitting up and i'd get three four hours of sleep and then when it was time to wake up in the morning to go to work i'd go put her in bed

next to you and i'd get ready and i'd go yeah but anyway um joe asked did you ask for help after the storm or did help just show up? And I don't know. I just, from my perspective, I just know that the help arrived. So the help did just arrive. Some of the help did just arrive. And we have like my sister and Andrew, your co-host for Matter of Facts, to thank for that. Because they were in constant communication with, because once we lost cell service and nobody had heard from us. And the last thing that I had posted on Facebook was that trees were falling around the house, which they were. Because I can't remember if.

The world tried to swallow us. Yeah. But, um, they, Gabry had then decided as soon as it was safe enough to come down that they were coming. And we knew that that was happening. Like they had already packed up their trailer and they were coming. But I called, um, uh,

I can't remember the church. There was a church that came from. It was a Mormon church from Alabama. The Mormon church from Alabama. I called that morning as soon as we were able, first light, and to see how much damage there was. I called that morning to get our name on a list for them to come help us cut these trees down and get them off the house and all that stuff.

And then your sister and brother-in-law and nephew and two nieces beat them here. Yes, because at that point, I think there was quite a list. But as my sister is pulling away and all the tears of their leaving and now we have to deal with this whole thing, mess by ourself the mormons pulled up and they finished off everything that we had left so they moved the rest of the tree out and put it in the woods and um and they had it done within like 20 minutes like the house was clear and the the the pile of tree in the front yard where it was supposed to go was you you know, probably a story high and it was higher, taller than the house. And to be fair, I mean, we'd done 90% of the work

before Micah and, uh, Gabriel left. Yeah. So, but in that instance, the help was already on the way, but then I did call and ask for help because there was no way we were going to get these trees off of our house by ourselves. Like we couldn't even walk out the front door or the garage because the trees had blocked everything. So there they, we needed help. And so I was not prideful at all at that point. It was like,

no, my husband can't do this and I can't do this by myself either. So. But that first morning I was out there with a bow saw and an ax trying to at least. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't saw and an ax trying to at least- Just got here. No, but hear me out. I knew I wasn't going to deal with all the mess that was in the front yard without chainsaw and help.

But I was at least trying to cut enough to get your Jeep out of the tree so that I knew that we had that available if we needed to get out of the area. Yeah. And I was also trying to cut that chunk of the tree back enough that we could at least get in and out of the area. Yeah. And I was also trying to cut that chunk of the tree back enough that we could at least get in and out through the garage. Yeah. Because, like, otherwise we were having to go out the back door and walk around the side of the house. So, I mean, again, it comes down to we asked for help because we needed help.

Yeah. But I also looked at it as there's this thing that I could do right now, and I've got the tools to do it. It's just going to involve some effort. So quit being lazy, get over there and get it done. The two of us worked hard until somebody, you know,

we got people there because there was things that there were things that we could do, you know? So. And like Andrew pointed out to your sister when he was talking to her, like Andrew was very, cause Andrew and I had this conversation later and he said, I was, I told, I told Gabriel, I'm not worried about Phil and Gillian being able to provide

for themselves. I'm not worried about them having food or water. I'm not, I'm not worried about any of that. I'm worried about the heat because Andrew knew it was like high nineties down here in August and without power, that's no air conditioning. And, you know, Andrew was concerned about ourbeing from a standpoint of heat exhaustion or heat stroke. But Andrew knows who I am. You know, we've known each other eight years now.

No? Since 2016? Yeah, eight years. He and I have been friends. And he knows that, like, yeah, Phil's got water. Phil's got food. Phil's got food. Phil's got what he needs to cook with the power out and the grid down. Like, we had all that.

So, again, I feel like it's one of those situations of, like, we had done everything we could ahead of the storm to prepare for the fallout. My blindside was in all my years of homeownership, I had never needed a chainsaw before because if ever I needed to cut something down, a bow saw or an axe or a pole saw would have done the job. But what we woke up to the next morning was not going to be dealt with without. It turned out two chainsaws and four strong backs. Yeah. To get it all cleared. So anyway. backs yeah to get it all cleared so anyway stewart is messaging me on signal so i'm i have to go see what stewart is saying

i don't know it's probably something about the camp the the show and now how we have to start over but he's not in the chat i know i. I don't know where Stuart is, but anyway. Anyway. But yeah, as far as what we were talking about earlier, and we talked about this yesterday, it's probably what we need to get into before we round the show out. But you know, there is, there is that.

Gillian and I have had this experience with various people and we don't do this, but it's been done to us where somebody will wait till something is an emergency before they mention, they just happen to mention, Oh, by the way, I'm screwed. And then there's that part of Phil's brain that kicks in and says, if you'd have told me this like a week ago, this wouldn't be an emergency. We could have dealt with this in a reasonable fashion rather than this turn into a jump through your butt session to hurry up.

And so, like, I feel like, you know, there's a balancing act here. If there's something to be said for, this might be painful, but I can work this problem out myself. And if a person says, I can work it out myself, I'm content to let them work it out themselves because that's what I would want as a grown man. If I say I've got it, back up and let me handle it. If I ask you to help, I'm going to tell you exactly what I need to help.

But I'm also going to be open to what you – but if I come to you and I say I cannot fix this, then I am wide open to whatever you think needs to be done because I can't fix this. I can't take care of this myself. So I feel like where we get into trouble on the other side of this equation when somebody comes to us is one of two things. Either they wait until the problem has turned into an emergency before they ask for help, which doesn't work out well for anybody, or they can't fix the problem themselves, but they want specific help. If that makes sense. It's like, you've already admitted to me, you can't fix this problem by yourself. So once you come to me and say, can you fix this? My response is I'll fix it, but I'm going to fix it my way. Cause you've already admitted you can't fix this. You don't get to it with me.

You don't get to not fix the problem and demand it get fixed in your way on your timetable. Once you put yourself on my hands, you've got to surrender control and let me fix it. Yes. And in some cases where we've been involved, once that has been suggested or told to them, they back up and say, never mind, I don't need your help. So then was it an emergency? But here's Phil in a nutshell. If I tell you, if you need help, you have to let me, you have to get out of my way and let me do it.

And you immediately, the minute you're not in control, you get uncomfortable with the situation. That just tells me you could fix the problem or live without it. Yeah. You're not asking out of a need. You're asking because you just don't want to do whatever it takes to fix the problem. Or, in this case, you don't want to expose how you got into that problem. Because then I'm going to demand that you not

get into it again. Yeah. Because again, the way I was raised. Yeah. If you put yourself in a bad situation and you ask for help, there's going to be a lesson attached to this. It's going to be expected that when I help you out of this situation, you're not going to turn around and put yourself right back in the same situation. Like if you fall in a hole and I throw you a ladder and I pull you out and then you jump straight back in the hole, the second time I'm going to let you stay in the hole. Because now you've just convinced me that there's no amount of effort I can expend to fix this problem. Because the problem is not you being in the hole. The problem is you jumping down into it. And if you're not willing to fix that problem because the problem is not you being in the hole. The problem is you jumping down into it. Yeah. And if you're not willing to fix that problem, I can't help.

So I think that's where you and I have been on the other side of this where we've dealt with very prideful people who won't ask for help because they don't want to have to admit they caused the problem themselves. And they don't want to hear you have to change your behavior to avoid being here again. And then you and I are left with not many other options other than I can't help if you won't let me help. You don't want to be helped because my version of help is prevent you from hurting yourself in the future. Your version of help is stop the pain right now, but I'm going to hurt myself again later. Yeah, I'll do it again. I can't abide by that. If you can just get me out of this problem now, I'll tell you that I'll do better, but then do it again.

Yeah. Kind of reminds me of an addict. Well, I was going to say, we did have that experience with a family member that was an addict. And there came a time when I told you, I'm like, this is because them asking us for money has become a pattern of behavior. So if they want a loan or whatever they want to call it, I want to see their finances to figure out where all their money is going. And the minute you threw that up, they broke contact. They wanted no part of me digging into their, because I mean, call it what it is. We know. We know.

I know. It's the line of work I was in for a lot of years, though. Like, if you let me crawl around in your finances, I'm going to figure out where your money's going. Yeah. You probably don't want me looking at your finances, as a matter of fact, because if you think you're hiding something, it'll be a family. Why do you think we have separate accounts?

We have separate accounts because... I don't want you to see where I'm spending my money. And as long as you can pay... Because I know that you're going to be like, why is there a six charge to Amazon this week? As long as you can tell me that you are sticking to your budget, then I trust you. I am sticking to my budget.

You're not lying to me are you no no no anyway pride pride I'm good we're good but no like I said

I guess this was a long way of saying I feel like there's a super super thin gray line between being prideful and being independent. And I think that line – I think if I had to establish where that line is, it has to be whether – whatever you're calling pride or independence, whether it is a net positive or a net negative to you. Like, if it's causing you to not ask for help when you obviously need help, then it's pride. And if it's causing you to work hard and be responsible to prevent causing a problem,

then that's independence. Like I feel like that's, that's, that's, I feel like that kind of comes back to my standpoint on a lot of different things. It's like the, where's the line between being health conscious and being neurotic about every tiny different things. It's like the, um, where's the line between being

health conscious and being neurotic about every tiny little thing. It's, is it promoting you? Is it, is it encouraging you to look after the way you eat and take care of yourself so that it's a net positive? Or is it making you a mess? Cause you're constantly worrying about nonsense. The line always to me has to be, is it helping you or hurting you? And in this case, I feel like you've had some moments in your past where it has been pride that has stopped you from asking for help. But I feel like, you know, we've both grown to a point where together and as a couple, we've come just to a point where we want to be very fiercely independent. We want to take care of ourselves. We don't want to constantly be asking others for help if we

don't need it, but at the same time be gracious and mature enough that if we need help, we suck it up and we go get it. And we have done that. Yeah, we've done that. We just had a whole show about that. Yeah. Sometimes

the asking for help is painful. But I don't think it should be. Well, good luck with that because it's always going to be painful. Like I said, I still don't like having to ask you for help.

I'll do it. Well, financially I don't like to ask you for help. Okay. What other kinds of help are in financially? Cause I know money's money's a sore spot. I mean, it's not, I wouldn't say it's like a total sore spot. I think we've gotten past the whole financial troubles, you know, between the two of us kind of thing. And a lot of growth has happened. But I don't mind asking you to, I don't know, clean the kitchen. Oil the hinges on the front door. Oil the hinges on the front door. Or, hey, could you help me with my car today?

Could you help me wash my car or whatever? Like, I don't, I'm not scared to ask you for help unless it's finances. So finances are still a sore spot. Sometimes it's just, you know, yes, yes, yes. It's still a sore spot. Yes. Moving on. Should we make the next episode about stubbornness?

No. Where's the line between stubborn and strong will? That could be an hour. Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord. Well, anyway, moving on. Time to end this episode before I get in trouble. I do want to, because we're getting close to it, the Women Who Prep conference is coming up in April.

And you do not have to be a woman to attend. However, it, I mean, it is the women who prep. So we're trying to reach more women, um, who, who do this, but anyway, women who prep conferences in April, you're the tickets are on sale. I will, I keep saying I'm going to do this and I haven't done it yet. I will be posting an affiliate link on the Facebook and Instagram, the Raising Values Facebook and Instagram. So if you would like to buy your tickets through me and help assist out because I have a Costa Rica trip to pay for, then please do that. But the tickets are on sale. But don't buy them until I post my affiliate link. And it's in April. And you're going to do that as soon as we get done streaming.

Yes, yes, yes. I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to post my affiliate link. It's a couple of days. It's online. You don't have to go anywhere. You just buy your tickets. There's going to be prizes and giveaways and all that stuff. And there's also going to be a live Q&A session there. And then,

yeah, there's individual sessions that you can attend and then you can do the live Q&A and then you could do the panel discussion. And I'll be on the panel discussion. And I'm also doing my own segment of prepping with kids. So if you haven't heard me talk about that on matter of facts or even on raising values, then definitely join us for that. So you can see it. Um, I think that's it.

I don't think, I mean, prepper camp. Yeah, but that's coming up in September and coming up is not, that's not a lot. That's a ways. That's a ways away.

Yeah. But if you haven't already made arrangements, go to prepper camp. You better be on that yesterday because the entire – Yeah, the place is booked. Well, the entire campsite is already booked out for all the improved spots. Tent City, I don't know if they're doing a waiting list or if it's first come, first serve or if you want to look into the local area, but Prepper Camp has sold out. Orchard Lake has sold out earlier in the year, I think, than it ever has in the past. And if that's any indication of the time period in which tickets will probably sell out for the event,

if you are at all interested and you're within driving distance of, you know, Saluda, North Carolina, you better get on your A game right now. And, yeah, let's just address. I was going to address this comment. Very good, Ben. Phil, are you sticking to your budget? Night vision? I actually told him to spend that money.

Phil does not spend money. He doesn't. It sits and it grows and it's great and I'm so excited and wonderful that you know it's wonderful that he does this he does not spend money on himself and so when the opportunity for night vision came to him even though it was a few thousand dollars and I said do you have it and he said yes and said will we be okay if you spend it and he said yes and I said then spend the money and get the night vision and there was was no selfish reasons from my part that I wanted him to get the night vision. And I have spent the last seven months recuperating from that financial decision.

Yes. Joe, he surprised me a couple of weeks ago with the beach trip. We're going to the beach this summer. Yeah! See, he just said, Phil has money, beach trip. Yes, we're going to the beach. Yes, I'm going to Costa Rica with my sister-in-law, and I'm super excited about that in April. But then my husband's taking me to the beach during the summer.

In addition to the Matter of Facts camping trip. Yes. I told Gillian that since that financial upheaval, I've been busting my behind to get our savings account funded back to the point I would like it to be. And once we get there, then I'm going to start saving for a beach trip, which should be doable. I mean, I've done some financial projections, and we shouldn't have a problem with that. which should be doable. I mean, I've done some financial projections, and we shouldn't have a problem with that. But yes, to Gillian's point, I don't spend money.

Within my budget, I have X amount of money that's budgeted for, you know, prepper stuff. But a lot of my money goes into, you know, funding three different retirements and a savings account and taking care of bills and these two girls. So I don't spend money on myself very often. Several thousand dollars for night vision was a very out of character expense for me, but it's been fun. It has been fun. It's been fun, especially on camping trips.

Well, that wasn't fun for me because I was kind of scared. when, well, that wasn't fun for me because I was kind of scared. Well, but when there's no light pollution and you get to chuck up your cell phone camera behind that PBS 14 and you can see stars that you didn't even know existed before. I know, it's so cool. But anyway. Boys, if you want to convince your spouse to let you buy a PBS 14, talk to them about using it.

Stargazing. Talk to them about using a PBS 14 for stargazing or nighttime photography because it's light intensification. So stars you can't see with the naked eye, you'll see all of a sudden. It's pretty cool. It's a lot of fun. Anyway, well, I hope you guys have a great rest of your day in summer, a summer Sunday. I'm waiting for summer.

I wish summer was here. Yeah, I think that's it. Thank you all for being here and being a part of the comment section. I love, love, love it. I always say that, so keep it up. But we will see you next week. Have a great week. And, yeah, thank you.

I don't know. I'm awkward. What do I do? I don't know how to begin or end a show. Ask for help if you need it. Don't be prideful. See you all in a week. Bye. Thank you.