The Prepper Broadcasting Network - Raising Values: How We Show The Ones We Care About That We Care

Episode Date: December 24, 2023

https://www.facebook.com/RaisingValuesPodcast/https://linktr.ee/PBNLinkshttps://www.instagram.com/raisingvaluespodcast/http://www.mofpodcast.com/www.prepperbroadcasting.comhttps://rumble.com/user/Mofpodcastwww.youtube.com/user/philrabSupport the showMerch at: https://southerngalscrafts.myshopify.com/Shop at Amazon: http://amzn.to/2ora9riPatreon: https://www.patreon.com/mofpodcastPhil and Gillian sit down to talk about love and affection, and the myriad of ways people try to demonstrate those feelings to others. Many may go unnoticed, while others may suffer from a disconnect between how one shows affection, and another perceives affection.Raising Values Podcast is live-streaming our podcast on YouTube channel, Facebook page, and Rumble. See the links above, join in the live chat, and see the faces behind the voices.family, traditional, values, christian, marriage, dating, relationship, children, growing up, peace, wisdom, self improvement, masculinity, feminity, masculine, feminine

Welcome to the Raising Values Podcast, where the traditional family talks. You can find us on iTunes, Stitcher, and Spotify, and be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. You can support the Raising Values Podcast through Patreon. Phil and Gillian are behind the mic, and we hope you enjoy the show. welcome back to raising values good morning i'm having a coughing fit i'm sorry i shared my cough i don't know what what i was thinking well i'm sure one of us brought it home from school to begin with so yeah the little germ factory you work at. I just have two and a half more days before break. If I can just make it two and a half more days.

Yesterday I thought I was down for the count, though, because I thought I was running fever. But luckily nothing ever popped off. No, you just needed a day to read a book in your pajamas, and that seemed to sort you out pretty good. No, that's debatable. I just have a lot to do, and there's no rest for the weary. Isn't that how it goes?

No rest for the wicked, actually. Oh, are you saying I'm wicked? No, just that's the saying. I thought it was no rest for the weary. That too. I think you just made that up. You make up a lot of stuff. Someone in the comments will back me up on this. No rest for the wicked is a thing. Okay. Anyway, so the topic for today was showing the people we care about that we care. And I got to thinking about this because she told me to pick a topic,

so I did. I did. Because yesterday I was just like, but I got to think about this because, you know, there's a couple that's very near and dear to our hearts. And I remember talking to them about like the little things that the wife notices, the husband does that really communicates to her how much he cares. And it's one of those little things that like, it occurs to me, most people would totally overlook, like even from the outside in. And I imagine like a lot of spouses would overlook,

but you know, what she told me was, she said he makes the perfect cup of coffee. He knows exactly how I like it, exactly how much cream. It's perfect. I never have to ask him. Who are we talking about?

My sister. Oh. But she was just telling me. Sorry, sister. She was just telling me that, like, he knows exactly the proportions, the recipe. And it's perfect every time. She doesn't have to coach him through it or tell him. And he does it every morning without fail.

And she said, that's one of the ways I know how much he cares about me. Because he knows I need my coffee in the morning. And it just, it got me thinking about like, how many, how many ways does one, one party to a relationship, not just spouse, but like, you know, boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, or whatever else, try to show the other party that they care. And maybe it gets missed or it gets lost in the scramble. Or maybe it's because the way that other party perceives affection is different. It goes back to that book we read when we were dating the five love languages

and it really kind of, it really kind of, I guess showed me for the first time, like there can be this huge disconnect between like, I am pouring out everything I know to show you that I care, but it's not the same way you receive affection. So all my efforts in this direction, you're missing. And there's this big open hole right here that I'm missing. That's what got me thinking about this. Yeah. That took us, we read the book, and it was part of our pre-marriage counseling kind of thing that was going on.

We read the book. We took the quiz. I think, I don't know. I think it has changed over the years. I mean, let's say we've been together for 20 years. Not really, but 19. Pretty close.

Nine, 19, 18 and a half, whatever, 19 years. Has, has yours changed? Yours has always been,

or at least I thought words of affirmation. Now you just want me to just load the dishwasher. No, I mean, fold the clothes. I honestly the dishwasher. No, I mean. Fold the clothes. I honestly, I think mine has kind of, honestly, I think words of affirmation may not really be much of mine anymore. Why? Has something, have I done something to change that?

Yeah, she ruined it. What did I do? I'm still pushing myself very hard to do a lot of different things. I mean, I work a full-time job. I'm a family man, two podcasts that are being produced on top of like all your things I try to put myself into. And I think I've come to the point where like my time is at such a premium and I'm constantly running around. It's like yesterday where you and Piper folded the laundry. Normally that's something I do, but because y'all did it, it freed me up to go do something else that frankly I needed to do. And if y'all hadn't done that, that would have

just been one more task on my to-do list. But did you see that as an act of love or just picking up slack i don't see the difference okay so not so acts of love then is now your acts of oh what was i'm forgetting we should have pulled the book i can go get the book it's up in the bookcase right there no i pulled it yesterday so i i know that i know i remember at least a couple of ones gift giving and that was mine yeah one was physical touch one was words of affirmation words of affirmation one was it wasn't i don't think it was quality time but it was basically quality time it was like a person taking taking time away just to dedicate to quality time. It was like a person taking time away just to dedicate to you. Yeah. Whether that was like sitting in a coffee shop talking or whether that was

in this, I mean, something as simple as folding laundry to me is very communicative because again, I'm a very task oriented person. And, you know, yesterday I pretty much like from the time I had a couple hours in the morning to just sit and get my druthers about me after we did that walk before the you know that thunderstorm moved in on us but other than that like you know I got I got our venue locked down and then I was kicking and then I was kicking butt you know doing the laundry the laundry, doing the dishes, running around the house. I spent, I don't know, about three hours in the garage trying to catch up on some chores in there. And I was running around.

And then I had to record a podcast with a friend of ours last night on her podcast. So, like, I was running around the whole day. I don't think I stopped until, like, 8.30, 9 o'clock at night. No, you didn't. And I didn't do much yesterday. But my point is that taking that couple of minutes away from like your book and Piper watching YouTube to go do the laundry, that speaks to me. Because it's like, okay, there's all these things that only really I can do. Because, I mean, I don't think you really want to learn how to, you know, run the reloading bench.

I don't want to leave that to you. But there's things that y'all could do that y'all know how to that y'all did. And it freed me up to spend time on things only I can do. So like I see that effort. on in my head when I think about it is like, okay, instead of just leaving it to dad, they stopped what they were doing and took care of that to help me get done what I need to get done. And that speaks to me. Yeah.

So you were right on target. It was words of affirmation, acts of service. That's it. Receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Okay. So acts of service and quality time, I kind of put together, or I i i accidentally put together when we were talking about it couldn't care what the i'm not saying because they're totally different yeah they are acts of service um yeah mine used to be um receiving gifts and it didn't i mean i'm not gonna sit here and say like yeah you needed to

bring home a new diamond ring every week or whatever that's not the case no it didn't, I mean, I'm not going to sit here and say like, yeah, you needed to bring home a new diamond ring every week or whatever. That's not the case. No, it wasn't. I was about to say that was a very shallow nod. Like, yeah, sure, honey. Well, no, I mean, but gift giving because of your experiences growing up, like that was how you had seen affection presented in your family? Well, yeah, that is how they present affection in my family. Not everybody anymore, but yeah.

But as a result, like that was kind of the blueprint you'd been shown. Yeah. Whereas I guess in my family, I don't know. I just, like gift giving was never as big of a thing in my family, except like around certain events, mostly because like, you know, money was tight. We had to live on a budget to keep the lights on. So gift giving was never a big thing. But in my family, what was always a thing was like taking that time where everybody stopped what they were doing and we spent time together. Yeah.

that time where everybody stopped what they were doing and we spent time together yeah so whether it was like i mean i can remember being fairly young and watching mash on the couch with my parents you know something that like most most kids i don't think would have enjoyed but i i actually enjoyed the series and it was just the time to spend quality time yeah it was a lot of quality time because you know when you're when your money's tight, your time turns into your greatest commodity. Like, that's the thing. If you choose to spend your time sitting with your parents, visiting with them, just enjoying the time with them versus going out playing with your friends in the neighborhood, like, to a child, their time is everything. And when you get into the later stages of adulthood where you have a child that I think ours is possibly creeping around now.

But like when you get to our point in life, I feel like time again becomes a huge commodity because we're so tasked with so many different things and we have to budget our time efficiently to get things done. Like we can't, it can't just be go to work, come home, go straight to bed. Like there's house chores needs to get done. There's checking in on our child to make sure she's provided for. Like time is an enormous commodity. Well, and that's why, you know, the decisions that we've made in our marriage for our family

have been the ones that they have been. Like I stopped working at Audubon first, you know, after working there for almost eight years or whatever, because of the time that it took for me to get to work, to work, to come home. I mean, it was an hour there, an hour back, and then I needed to decompress for about an hour when I got home. And it just did not fit with raising a young family and having a baby. And so I quit there, went to work at the school I'm at now. And that was just not a livable situation as far as how much, like I needed financially, I needed more. And so left there, I also needed a break

in a different position. And then when I went to work for the museum, I was three miles from the museum, but still it was a very, I mean, nonprofits, no matter where you are in a nonprofit is always going to be draining. I think the statistic is that administration of nonprofits last about four years in their positions, and then they move on, whether to another nonprofit or into another position or whatever. and went back to a school, the same school, which, you know, and we took a little drop in pay. But I see my kid every day. She comes into my classroom every day. Like, I drive to work with her every day.

I come home with her every day. Like, we have our own time together. And then, you know, so I don't feel like at least now quality time is the top. It has been the top priority of the decisions that we've made. Second being financial. Can we make this work? And I think, yeah, even if my quality time became number one, 100%, and I stopped working and came home, we could make it work. It would be really tight and not fun, but we could make it work. But I've never chosen to do that. But yeah, quality time is, I think, our family's love language. Whenever we can spend time together, go do something fun

together, even if it's just sitting. Piper will sit on the couch. We'll sit in our chairs and you're on your phone. I'm reading a book. She's doing whatever, you know, she's doing anything from arts and crafts to playing on her switch. But we're all three together in the same room. We eat dinner together. You know, it's just every, we're together all the time. And so I think as a family, we prioritize quality time.

That's how we show affection to each other. And we all answer to that. Individually, in our love relationship, quality time is definitely up there. I'd no longer wish that you'd come through the front door with a gift every day kind of thing. Not that that's what I was hoping for. I wasn't hoping. I'm being serious. I wasn't hoping that you would come home every day with a gift after work or whatever. Now, do I wish that you would just get it in your brain to like send flowers to work or something every now and then just because? Sure, absolutely. But that's not who you are. And I can't expect that from you.

Because, sure, absolutely, but that's not who you are. And I can't expect that from you. And I'm not a big flowers person anyway. They come into this house and they die immediately. Well, I mean, my thing is why waste your money on something that's going to die in a week anyway. If you want to get me some sort of living something, get me something I can plant in the front yard or backyard. Get me a pot of rosemary. i need more rosemary for the front um and quality time is up there for me yes because i'm always wishing that we could have a date by ourselves or go out by ourselves or do something by ourselves go on a trip by ourselves but i also think that acts of service are right up there with me. You know,

we're planning our birthday party coming up. And I've been stressing since what, probably October about this party and how, you know, no one wants to plan their own birthday party and nobody wants to set up their own birthday party. And if you do, then something's wrong. No, I'm joking, but not really. But I mean, who wants to do that? You want your friends and family to take it on for you. And even if it's not a surprise, at least you're not having to deal with all of the ins and outs of the birthday party and scheduling this and getting that and making sure that's in order and, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the fun of having a birthday party for such a, you know, not what's the word I want to use. Auspicious.

What's that word mean? It means like momentous. Yeah. Like it's your 40th. It's a big one. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to, because it was what it was getting to was, it was just stressing me out so much that I, how many times did I tell you, I'm just, I don't even want to do this anymore. I don't want to, I don't even want to have a birthday party anymore because of how stressful it had become. that, um, I was hoping that, uh, I would get some help and I just wasn't getting any help. Um, and then finally you and your sister were just like, nope, you're done. You're going away now and we're planning your party and we're doing this and we'll ask you if you need to be asked something and you're not stressing about this anymore, which was really nice. There was like a physical change in my body. Like it was just this weight had been lifted and the feeling of finally someone's going to do

something for me that I do for them. You know, like I plan the birthday parties. I plan the whatever. I plan this. I plan that for everybody else. But it was just getting to the point that it was very obvious no one was coming to do it for me. And it hurt my feelings a lot. And it just had gotten to the point where it was, I don't want it anymore. And so I was very thankful for the act of service that you and your sister are showing. And I didn't realize how much of a party planner your sister was. I did not either. Why the two of us have not gone into some sort of business, party planning business, is beyond me.

And maybe we should. I need to talk to my sister about that. Well, and, you know, the funny part of this is, it's like it never occurred to me that my sister was a party planner. And I remember telling you at one point, I'm like, you know, I was trying not to let it, but it was stressing me out. And I don't know why because like a substantial portion of my – You're the worst. it was stressing me out. And I don't know why, because like a substantial portion of my- You're worse. You have been stressed out.

But a substantial portion of my daily job is project planning. Like it's one of the functions I serve in my organization is taking a project, like creating the QA testing, performing it, documenting it. Like there's so much of my job that is literally project planning, so I couldn't figure out why this was making me so nervous. And the only thing I could figure is because it was your birthday and I wanted it to be perfect for you. I was going to say it's because it's me and I'm not your boss. I'm not Alicia.

Alicia. Alicia. Sorry, I have so many Alicia's, Alicia's. I got you. Alicia. And am I scarier than her? Probably. Neither one of y'all scare me.

Oh. If you wanted to end me, you would just do it in my sleep when I'm defenseless. No, I think the stress that you were probably feeling was you didn't want to disappoint me. I didn't. I know. And again, when I'm doing my job, like I don't, it sounds weird to say I don't worry about disappointing my job, but like I am not sound too full of myself, but like I'm very good at my job. You are very good at your job. I push myself to be very good at my job.

And if in the commencement of my duties, someone is disappointed in something I've done, my gut reaction is not, oh, I'm sorry. someone is disappointed in something I've done, my gut reaction is not, oh, I'm sorry. It's, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I did my job properly. Because it's, you know, I know how to do my job. It's all documented. All these standards are here. I did exactly what's written down. There's no arguing about it.

But when it's my spouse, I could sit here and tell you until I'm blue in the face, I did this exactly right, but you're still disappointed. Yeah. And that hurts. Well, but that hasn't happened. It hasn't, but that was my worry. That was your fear. And yes, Tread, you are totally right with your comment.

He said, you want more than the party. You want someone to care enough. You hit it. You want someone to care enough to want to give you a party. And I think, yes, that is the, the core of the feelings that I was having to know that they cared that much to be wanted, which is, it's really crazy that you say that. Yes, that is the core. That is why there were so many times in my bed crying saying, I'm just done. I don't even want to throw this party anymore because who, like I said, who wants to, who wants to plan their own party and set up their own party? And, you know, my, my biggest like disappointment that hadn't happened yet was

I was going to spend the whole day setting up the party and then I was going to have to go home and get dressed and I was going to come to a party and surprise, it's the party that I set up by myself, which was the track that I was on. So I'm very thankful to Phil and Rebecca for taking the lead in that and telling me to back off. that because of who was on the guest list, that I wasn't worth the disappointment, not the disappointment, I wasn't worth the heartache that would come because of her husband, who doesn't like that person on my guest list. And man, it was like, I couldn't even talk. I was like, I had lost like all, all of my breath. It was. It was like almost a physical punch in the gut of being told, well, you're not worth – you and your party in this milestone birthday of yours is not worth the headache that I'll have to deal with my husband. And I thought we were better friends than that. I thought, you know, it was one of those friendships where,

yeah, I'll trudge through that for three hours and then be there for you kind of thing. But, and I'm not mincing words. The words were, it's not worth it to me. It's not worth it. It's just not worth it. And so that was at the point where I was just like, I'm done. I'm so done. We don't have a venue. We don't have anything planned. I'm not chasing these. The caterer had canceled on us. I was just so done. And after that, I had just come home and I ugly cried for about an hour. And also vented to me all this. And up to this point, I was being supportive. But as long as it seemed to me like you wanted to be in the driver's seat, I wasn't staying out of it, but I wasn't shoving you into the corner saying, I'm doing this without you now.

Well, I've never wanted to be in the driver's seat. I know, but what I'm saying is... But nobody would get in the car with me, at least. Well, I was in the car with you. Well, you were in the car with me because you were handing me the debit card. I was in the car with you. Well, you were in the car with me because you were handing me the debit card. But at that moment when you finally just caved in and said, I'm done, I was like, okay, I'll take care of it.

I literally asked you, I'm like, do you want me to do this? And you said yes. And I'm like, okay, you're out of the driver's seat. Move over. I'm driving. Whatever. Rebecca stepped into the passenger seat and you stepped into the driver's seat and I was thrown in the trunk. Pretty much.

Which I'm okay with being back there because I can still hear what y'all are saying and doing. I did reach out to my sister, I think, the very next day. That day. It was either that day or the next day. No, it was that afternoon. I was still ugly crying and you had called your sister. Well, I mean, I just told her, I'm like, look, I need a partner in crime and you're it. And she just dove in. She has been so wonderful. She dove in headfirst for a lot of the same reasons I did that she wanted this to be special for you. And I, I think even though she's never, she hasn't said in so many words, I think she looks up to you and I think she wants

to do this for you. And my sister, an unbelievable gift that she's giving, she's like, send me all the information for the cake, like the baker and everything. And she has decided that that's what she's going to do. She's paying for the cake. She's going to be the one to talk back and forth with the cake, not the cake, but the baker. And I don't even have to really talk to this person again, which is fine with me. And I don't mind doing that, but my sister has taken over that portion of this whole planning part. And there's really nothing I have to do except pick out colors and that's it. Um, you have to communicate with the, the, uh, the decorating committee about what

exactly you want so that we can make it happen. Yes. And I have that. I have been in contact with the passenger of this car and she knows what we're looking at. There might be two steering wheels in this car. But acts of service, that has totally trumped the whole gift giving thing to me, the acts of giving gifts or whatever it was. I read it earlier, but acts of service and service. And exactly what tread said.

It's just the, the feeling of somebody wants to do that for you, that you care that someone else cares enough to take something off your plate or to stop what they're doing in their daily life and say, you know, I really appreciate you. Let me help you with this. Or I value your friendship. I value who you are as a person. And you've done so much for me. Let me return the favor. And I've said this time and time again. I don't do things for people looking for something in return. I don't. things for people looking for something in return.

I don't. I'm not that person. It's not a tit for tat kind of thing. It's never been a tit for tat kind of thing. But that's also one of my downfalls is I give and I give and I give and I give until I can't. I have extinguished all of my energy on one person or another. And that energy is never returned. And I've done that my entire life. And it's very heartbreaking to be so taken advantage of. And I think me being me, I want to give the benefit of the doubt all the time too. I don't think people do it intentionally. I just

don't think that their priorities are the same. or maybe they don't speak that same language. They don't see me as pouring myself out into them as an act of love. And so they're not going to reciprocate. They're not going to reciprocate with the same language that I need to see it. You know, they're not going to, it's not going to be the same. But that is something I need to see it. You know, they're not gonna, it's not going to be the same. But that is something I have to work on. And I think this whole 40th birthday party has really opened my eyes to how much I allow people to take from me willingly, like giving them willingly my energy just to be a nice person, just to make sure that they're taken care of. And then there's never anyone, not that there's never anyone there to take care of me, but

those same people are not there to take care of me kind of thing. And then you're left to pick up the pieces. And that's not fair to you. Well, and is that maybe also part of what's happened recently is like you've kind of stood back and said, these are the people, this group of people here, they're the ones that jumped in with both feet. Yeah. And, you know, I don't think it was a surprise that those people jumped in with both feet because you knew those people, you already knew those people cared about you. That wasn't in question. You already knew those people cared about you.

That wasn't in question. I guess I'm wondering if from here forward, you're going to kind of like reprioritize where your attention goes. Of course. on my own energy and focusing on the energy that I give and what is being given and, you know, setting up boundaries and walls and making sure, not necessarily walls, but boundaries and making sure those boundaries are kept and that I don't, my heart doesn't sway and give, you know, given those boundaries or whatever, because I think it's important because I don't want to spend the next however many weeks. Wait, hang on. I'm trying to say something.

I don't want to spend an astronomical amount of time on the next project or the next thing ugly crying in my bedroom because that person obviously is not showing that they care for me the same way that I care for them. And so my energy is prioritized. And that energy has to go somewhere where I know it will be fostered and then returned in any way, really. But, yeah, there's been definitely some eye-opening events that have occurred in the last few months that were hurtful and hard to come to the realization that they were always there kind of thing.

But then people that have stepped forward, not that it wasn't the most unlikely of help. It's just that we haven't had the chance to really grow that relationship between the two of us. I'm talking about my sister-in-law. I love you. But I think now we have more in common than what we, than when we were younger, you know, I mean, she's what, how much younger than me? Nine,

10 years, give or take. 10, yeah, nine or 10 years. I guess. And I don't want to make this episode all about her. Cause I know she's going to be so totally embarrassed,

but, um, yeah, it's just, I don't know. It's been an eye-opening experience those last few months but your act of service of taking over and getting in the driver's seat and pushing me into the trunk has been uh beyond a blessing because was it unexpected though

no yes and no. Because I know that this is not your forte. This is not what Phil does. Phil does not plan parties at all. And I could see that you were getting visibly, like, visibly upset and stressed out about it. Which made me want to go, okay, give it back. Just give it back to me. Which I refused. Get out of the driver's seat and let me back in the driver's seat let me finish this i at least i have becca next to me whatever you go get

in the trunk and just hand me your credit card as you as we go down this road um i think that once the venue came back and said yeah it's yours and it was in our price range, then a huge weight was lifted off of all of us. I mean, yeah. And it wasn't necessarily like because, oh, now I have to plan this party. I was stressed out. It really was more the fact that I, again, project planner, I looked at this entire string of events that had to take place to get this party off the ground. And every single one of them was behind lockdown a venue. And I've spent, I mean, we, this conversation started, what was it, Monday?

It was the beginning of the week. Yeah. Okay. So at the beginning of the week, we have this conversation and I jumped in and all week long, I've been hammering every venue I could think of. Some that you recommended, some that Rebecca recommended. I've been hammering them for price availability. And it turned into this miasma of, well, this one's within our price range, but they're not available on the day.

This one's available on the day, but they're three3,000, which is more than I budgeted for this. And this one, we have to cut the guest list down to like 20 people. I mean, it was frustrating because I felt like I was throwing all this effort into this to hurry up and get item one on this list done so that item two through six could even start. And nothing was coming back and it's yesterday when we finally like locked down the venue and i'm actually kind of glad it worked out that way because i love the place i do too and yes you know how there's that saying that goes of course it was the last place that i looked well it's always the last place you look well i know but you look after you found something? But this, in this case, it should have been one of the first places

we called because we just know the place. And it's a cute little family owned business. They're like 150 yards from where we live. I mean, I don't, I don't know why we didn't go there first, but sometimes, sometimes, you know, the tunnel vision sets and you can't see the forest for the trees. But once we found that place, like within 45 seconds, I had phone calls over all my stress sometimes sometimes you know the tunnel vision sets and you can't see the forest for the trees but once we found that place like within 45 seconds that phone call was over all my stress was gone because i'm like okay the venue's locked down the menus the menu is done we now know we now know we don't have to cut the guest list down so guest list is already done yeah you designed the invitations and ordered those and they'll be here in a couple of days.

Like, literally, items one through six got done in 45 minutes. Yeah. And that was like, okay, we're back on track. Yeah. I know. It's exciting. But, yeah, and Tread, I love how much you're involved with this today because you're helping feed my brain that's not quite there today. with this today because you're helping feed my brain that's not quite there today.

But the last thing that Tread says is you always think ahead about giving because it would be a nice gesture. You always do that right in the middle and make the other person feel wanted. Some people are visual. They need to read it themselves. But back to the love languages kind of thing, because my love language is acts of service, of course, that's where my brain's going to go. It's going to be an act of service. That's how I show love is an act of service. It just so happens that that's also how I receive love and is an act of

service. And like I said, not everybody's going to show that because not everybody's love language is an act of service. It might be to give a gift or to spend some quality time together and things like that. And that's how they feel fulfilled. That's not what I want to say. Fulfilled. Fulfilled. Yes, thank you. full that's not what i want to say but fulfilled fulfilled yes thank you and while usually the way a person shows affection is also the way they were their primary way of receiving it it's not always that case i mean that's the trick that's the that is in the book isn't it that's the tricky part is

that whenever you're dealing with a relationship there there to me there there's two sides to this argument one is it is incumbent upon party a to try to figure out the way party b receives affection so that you can try to give them affection in the way they receive it but i feel like it's also incumbent on party b to sometimes realize that party a's is like pouring affection on me yeah and even though it's not the way i'd rather receive it i at least still want to acknowledge that because like i can remember i can remember times you and i spent in counseling where like gift giving is just it's not a big thing with me to this day i struggle with gift giving you do like christmas is a stress sandwich for me it's no not even christmas from december all the way through january it is a stress sandwich for me. No, not even Christmas.

From December all the way through January, it's a stress sandwich because I get no from December through February. Because I get Christmas. February. Because I get. Are you not including our anniversary? December through March. Okay, hold on a second. So let's just say that there's about five months out of the year where I'm just chewing on myself.

Okay, hold on a second. So let's just say that there's about five months out of the year where I'm just chewing on myself because I've got Christmas, your birthday, Valentine's Day, our anniversary, and then her birthday. And she's the easiest one. We don't really celebrate Valentine's Day. No, but the point remains, gift giving is difficult for me. I always question, am I giving the right gift? Especially because for me, gift giving, I give practical gifts you know like yes you do which i know drives you nuts but this is this is the thought that counts but it but it's also like a reflection of me because think about the gifts think about the gifts that i latch on to i latch on to the gifts that i use like you know when you

when you got me that custom-made bowie knife for Christmas several years ago, how many camping trips have we gone on that that hasn't been on my hip the whole time? I know. And it's because if it's something that I use, then it's not like it means more to me, but, like, I appreciate practical gifts because I'm going to use that for years because I don't ever get rid of anything unless it's just broken beyond repair. years because I don't ever get rid of anything unless it's just broken beyond repair. And if it's something that's just decorative or, you know, I don't know. I don't hang on to it as much. Okay. You got me something decorative this year.

No, it's not. It's not decorative. It's useful, and I think you'll use it. Back me up here, Joe, without giving it away. I think you'll use it. Back me up here, Joe, without giving it away. I think you'll use it. I think it will travel well. It's also very unique and it's not something that you have. You should stop before you give it away. You have no clue what this is.

I really don't. I know when you open this gift, you're going to be like, holy crap, what the hell and how did you and where did you and yeah but um so gift giving is difficult for me it is and as a result when you and i were still dating and gift giving was your primary love language i felt like i feel like that was a huge part of like the two of us learning to figure each other out because like i was pouring affection on you in a way that you just didn't receive it as well. And as a result, when you said, I need gifts too, to me, to my ears, that was all the affection you've shown me is worthless because it wasn't the way I needed it. I wanted it. And that is. But it works in

reverse too, because you're saying, I just want a gift and i'm giving you all of this and not this so like that's why i don't i don't approach this from the perspective of one party is wrong to me it's just like it's like two ships passing in the night you know i'm saying like y'all are y'all are missing each other it's on it's on both sides And I think this is also where very basic discussions we've had in the past about marriage and long-term relationships come in where it's like you have to choose to love this person. Sometimes you have to learn to love their faults rather than just tolerate them. Because if all you do is tolerate a person's faults it's going to aggravate you yeah and if you don't learn to love a person's faults it's going to be really hard to live with them for the rest of your life person in spite of their faults i don't have to love your faults

do you love my faults i find them cute sometimes what are my faults you're very grumpy in the mornings that That's a fault? Especially before we podcast. I am grumpy in the mornings. I'm sorry. But I did want to kind of like slightly sidebar this conversation. Okay. Very slight. Well, you picked this topic, so.

So since we're talking about like ways that a person might show affection or show they care that maybe somebody else wouldn't immediately take notice of. Like the other podcast that I'm involved in revolves around preparedness. And I know that when I first really started down that road, at first you were a little put off by it. You know, we've hashed that out on this podcast in Matter of Facts before. But I remember when you went and talked to my dad about it, or when you told me you talked to my father about it. And what my father told you, I think kind of rings true in this, where he told you basically, if he's doing it, he thinks it's

necessary and he's doing it to take care of you and you and his family. And I would posit that that might be one little example of maybe broader conversations about things that one, holy heck, all of a sudden got bright outside. Every day that is because they care about their family or because they're trying to provide for their family or because they're trying to take care of their family that the that maybe the other spouse or maybe the rest of the family and certainly no one outside that relationship takes notice of. You know, I'm saying like in the. I follow a lot. I follow a lot of different content and I just don't sit down and stare at it all the time. But like there's a conversation to be had about how those women that do choose to be stay at home mothers,

about how they regard the time they spend doing the housework and taking care of the house, take care of the household, taking care of the children as them showing love to their families because everything is provided for. Everything is taken care of. To them, it's not, oh, I just want to go out and get a job. My husband won't let me.

It's, no, I love my family. That's why I take care of them. That's why the laundry is always done. That's why the dishes are always done. That's why the meals are cooked. That's why the house is clean because I want my family to come home to this wonderful environment where everything is taken care of. It's a lot of the same reason why I'm always running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get things off my to-do list.

Like yesterday. Dishes, laundry, and then smashing the reloading bench. Because there's all these things I do in this vein of preparedness. reloading bench because there's all these things I do in this vein of preparedness. And I've always been very upfront about the fact that all of these things are done specifically because I will not fail to take care of my family if there's a bad time. It's the same reason that I run our finances the way I do and I budget the way I do and I save the way I do. I'm not going to be in the position where my wife says, I want to party. I might have to say there's a budget involved here so we don't go into the poorhouse,

but I'm not going to say, oh, I haven't spent the last six months saving money to make sure I cover this. Yeah. But again, those are things that I could certainly see like somebody totally overlook and say, well, he doesn't care about her but it's like but you're totally overlooking the last all of these little things that have been done like under the radar you know i'm saying me not you specifically i'm saying that one spouse could miss yeah i see that i don't know how you want me to respond. We're just talking. Okay. I notice. I notice things.

But here, I know you do. Okay. She acts like I'm putting her on the spot. You are. But herein comes the question is when you have that situation where like one spouse gets it in their head that the other doesn't care about them. Like what, what is the advice we give to try to like try to get that relationship back on solid footing? Cause I mean,

I would, maybe I'm too much of an idealist, but I would like to think that if there's a couple that are together currently, if not at some point in the past, they genuinely loved each other. I would like to think that. Well, I think it's important that, you know, relationships, like people in relationships realize and understand that relationships evolve.

And like we've been talking about today, like our love languages have evolved and they've changed. Well, so do relationships. And there's been, I could point to two times in our relationship, maybe just one really long time in our relationship where I was not the person you dated and I was not the person you married. And I became someone totally different. And so our relationship had to evolve and our love had to evolve for each other, because now you were married to someone totally different than the person that walked down the aisle. I was the same person deep down,

I think, but so much of me had changed. And you had to learn to love someone new. And I had to learn to love someone, I had to learn how to love you as a different person kind of thing. Does that make sense? Kind of. Like I'm a different person now. And so I'm now in this new role, I guess you could say, in my head. So our relationship, because of the changes that I made and had to make and were forced to make, it changed our relationship. And so I just think it's important for couples to understand that you're not going to always

have the relationship that you had when you were dating, and you're not going to have the relationship you had when you first got married. And it's not going to be the same 10 years after you're married. And it's not going to be the same in 30 years after you're married or together or whatever, however you choose to live with your significant other. It's always going to change and it's always going to evolve because we're always changing and evolving as individual people. I think where what's the most important thing to remember is that you want to change with that person. I want to change with you. Now, barring some crazy excessive, you know, you go into a cult kind of thing or you start cheating on me or something like that.

Some would say I'm already in a cult. Well, I've met the people in your cult and I'm okay with them. But, you know, besides like some changes that could. Something radical. Yeah, something radical that happens. I might not change and evolve with you. I don't see that ever happening. But I just think it's important. You know,

we read that book 19 years ago. Jesus. We still refer to that book. We still go through and, you know, you don't, I don't think, but sometimes I go through and read our notes in that book.

And sometimes I laugh at our notes because that was 21-year-old Gillian in this loving relationship with her boyfriend. Because we weren't engaged yet, were we? No, we were just dating. We knew we wanted to be engaged or married. Maybe we had just gotten engaged. We were engaged. Okay. Because timeline, we started dating in…

2005. Yeah, but I'm trying to think of what month it was. February. February of 05. Give me a second. I'm only on my first cup of coffee. So February of 05, Katrina happened. I had to go back on active duty orders.

December, I got off active duty orders, and it was like January 21st of 2006 that I proposed to you. And it was that fall semester I started back in college. And that's when we started premarital counseling. Actually, I started counseling for post-traumatic stress disorder. A few months after that was when we started couples counseling. Yeah. Either way, the timeline, not to say it's not important. We were engaged. Okay. That's all we needed to get to was the fact that we were engaged. But I don't know. You can read back through those notes.

And you didn't take a lot of notes. In fact, there were some days right before we went in to the counseling session where I threw the book at you and said, you need to read the chapters. Do our homework. You need to do your homework kind of thing. You were a little reluctant. But you did get through the book. But it's important to pick that back up and read it and then analyze yourself again

and figure out where you are, where they are, what do they want, what do they need from you? And think about those things that have changed in your relationship. My postpartum changed our marriage. My postpartum, we totally did a 180. And I don't think that we're the same people that we were before Piper was born. I still contend that I'm mostly the same person. Good Lord. Arguing with this man here. Does somebody else want to be his co-whatever host?

Co-host comes with being spouse. So I don't think you want to trade me in. Okay, yes. You are the same person. I'm not. Yeah. I'm not the same person. Now, I did have to learn how to be married to you all over again.

Okay, but you're not the same person then. If you had to relearn how to do things, I don't think you're the same person. Okay, let me give you an analogy. I am a key. You change the tumblers and the locks because of postpartum. I had to change. I had to recut the key to fit the new lock, but it's the same key. That's kind of how I feel.

I had to relearn how to interface with you. I had to relearn how to live with you. I had to relearn how to communicate. I had to relearn how to show you that I cared. But I don't feel like I ever stopped being the same person. I was still the person who was like dead set on i want this marriage to work i want us to be together i want this to be the the household of the family that we went into this together saying this is what we wanted like i don't feel like i changed i feel like when you changed i had

to figure out what's the combination to this the this the combination on this safe has changed let me get the stethoscope out and figure out what the new combination is. And that took a couple years. Yeah. But now I can spin the dial just like I could before. Well, that's good. I'm glad. And Tread is obviously anchoring for the next co-host spot.

He says, A marriage is a slow metamorphosis of an ever-changing love and keeping up with each other's short-term wants and desires, yet still on a path of the common long-term goals. Thank you for getting into my brain and figuring out words and then communicating that. Because obviously I have no skill in that department. But yes, I think that is exactly what needed to be said. And that's exactly true. And the unfortunate part is I know couples that even they could, you know, they're still married, but they never went through this ever-changing love and keeping up with each

other's short-term wants and desires. It slowly turned into resentment for each other and um hatred it's it's calm it's it's it has grown into a hatred and why they're still together i will never understand but um i i god is shining down from above i mean the sun comes out right here. It's different. Anyway, I agree. I think sometimes for some couples it gets lost in the relationship of what they should be doing for one another. And then for whatever reason, there could be a whole bunch of reasons why their relationship fails. And even though they stay in the marriage, the relationship is not there. I mean, you could make a list and that goes into

eternity for all of those things. And it could be something as simple and tiny as he doesn't kiss me goodbye when he leaves for work to he's cheated on me or whatever she's cheated on me or you know things like that and trust has been broken down but um i think yes you have to you have to continue to want to metamorph with um with your spouse or your significant other you have to choose to love them you have to choose to continue down a path with them, however long it's going to be or whatever. I mean, I don't like to think about a time where I don't have Phil next to me. It's a very scary, scary feeling and thought to have, although I know that someday it might actually happen. And thought to have, although I know that someday it might actually happen.

I do know other women in relationships that, you know, they're probably feeding them the that really tumultuous three, four years of our relationship and we came out on the other side, I think we're stronger for it. And, um, I think that it's made us totally different people and it made our relationship totally different. Um, but there's, Tread, maybe you can get into my mind and think of the words better, but there's a different type of trust there now. There's, you know, I've always trusted you and I've always trusted that you'll care for me and take care of me and catch me if I fall kind of thing. But the trust there is so totally different and stronger and more impactful than it was when we first got married.

So, yeah, I'm just rambling at this point. That's okay. That's what the show's for, rambling. What did he say? And then it's keeping the communication going, especially those times when you really don't want to talk to that person. How many times have I just wanted to punch you and be done? Once.

Once a month. Yes, you have to keep the communication going we we fell into that trap a couple of times when we first got together of not having communication skills at all at all and maybe it was more just or the highway. And you were very vocal about your past relationships and how it was a, it's my way or the highway. I'm not scared to just, you know, drop you off at home and never call you again kind of thing. And you never did that to me, obviously, because here we are 19 years later. But you softened up and you started to, instead of holding that strong line of this is how it's going to be, you started to soften. But let me give you an alternate

version of what you're saying. It's not that I softened up. It's that I became much more discerning over what things I was willing to hold that heart of a line with. I learned to compromise more. You did. Yes. So again, like when we first got together, you and I sat down and said, these are the things that are going to be this way, or there is no relationship. And you know, a lot of that was really simple stuff like monogamy, fidelity. You know, like I don't expect you to be like running around with your idiot friends, chasing other girls and dumb stuff like that. Not that that was me or not that that was you. But my point is that we sat down and we said, these are the things that each one of us has to have this way. And if we can't agree to that, there is no basis for a relationship.

Those things, I was always prepared to drop you off at home and say, this isn't going to work. And that was never a threat or an ultimatum or a strong arm of me trying to knuckle you under. It was just, these are the things that I cannot compromise on. I will never be able to commit to a relationship unless these things are this way. And you had things that mostly coincided with mine, but there were things you brought into that discussion and said, I have to have these things. And I was like, that all seems reasonable. We have a good bedrock to build a relationship on. And then everything outside of that very narrow pit of non-negotiables, everything outside of that, I was like, 99% of the time, I'm just like, okay, whatever you want to do, babe. And this is the advice I give to most married men.

I'm like, everybody's heard the old saying of the key to successful marriage is to let your wife think she's getting her way and then let her have it. That's a magnet on our fridge, honey. But what I tell people all the time is I'm like, what I do in my marriage is I always, every time you and I are about to have a disagreement, I ask myself, is this worth her being upset? Yeah. And if the answer is no, and it's usually no, then I just go with whatever it is you want.

Try to make it happen. Just who cares? It's not worth upsetting my wife. But then when we get to one of those things where it's like, okay, this is a big enough issue that even if she's upset with me, we have to confront this. Then I go into it, not saying you're going to be mad at me for the next couple of weeks, but I go into it with that expectation.

I go into it with that litmus test. And as a result, I don't fight with you much. And when I do fight with you, it's about something that I feel convicted enough about that there is no, just let you have your way. We have to meet in the middle on this. But I don't know how we got from ways you show affection to, you know, not picking fights with your spouse over dumb stuff. I would like you to put Tread's newest comment up on the screen and then just keep it there the rest of the time that we're up here. And you can read that one out loud. Go ahead. You've reached this comment.

Gillian, you have slowly trained Phil into a better man. Men need a good woman to teach, whether they believe it or not, to change them into a man, into a more caring and compromising person. No, no, no. Just keep that there. No, no. It doesn't have to stay there. People who come on late need to see this. I would say the inverse is also true.

Thank you, Tread. I would say the inverse is also true, though. Oh, yes, I do believe that. Over the course of 18 years together, I remember when we were dating. He wouldn't let me just have it, Tread. Oh, you can have it, but there's another side to that. But I remember you used to get so upset because I kept dragging you down out of the clouds back to reality. And, like, I feel like over the last 18 and a half years, you've become a little bit less idealistic, a little bit more rational.

Rational. Rational, reasonable. rational, reasonable. And I feel like, you know, like discussions that you and I've had about just realities of not making decisions totally emotional and making decisions that are based in some kind of a plan. Those are things you've come around to. It really, it really, it has been that the two of us, I feel like much more than we force each other to compromise is that we've made each other better at this. Because I've, you know how when you're thinking about spending money on something, you keep saying, oh, I put it on my cart, I go around the store for a while. That's totally you.

But what you're doing is, yeah, it's a very small version of what I do. Because you know that by the time I spend money on something, I've spent months researching it, thinking about it, weighing the pros and cons. Like that's just my obsessive compulsiveness. But for you, it is you trying to stop yourself from impulse buying, which 21-year-old Gillian would not have done. No. But 39-year-old Gillian does all the time. We've made each other better people. I agree.

I'm not arguing that point i totally agree with that and um yeah i mean i think the the fighting that i would give you back then at 21 and 22 23 hell until i was probably 28 i forgot what i was gonna say no i want to hear it, though. I was a different person, and I can definitely look at myself now and see the influence that you've had in my life. And it's all been good. It's been a good influence. It hasn't been. I mean, there's not much bad to you, and I'm not saying that because I'm biased against you or towards you.

She's a little biased. I am a little biased, but what I'm saying is you have more good qualities than you have bad qualities. I don't know. I can't really pinpoint some bad qualities that you have. I really don't have any, but like right off the top of my head. She'll come up with some later. But I don't know if I will. I mean, you can be- Careful, I'm going to record this and lay it back for you later.

Oh, shoot for Nargans. I'm not going to say it now because you're going to be like, and that's you too, and that's you too. I don't see a whole lot of bad qualities. I think what I would have considered a bad quality when we were younger in our relationship were just qualities that I didn't want to come to terms with. And I didn't want to be in reality. I wanted to be up in the clouds and spend money how I wanted to spend money and, you know, laissez-faire kind of thing. And you were the one that was constantly keeping me grounded and saying, no, we can't live like this. If you want this relationship to work, we can't do this.

So I was the boring old man in the relationship? You've always been the boring old man. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how to tell you, but yeah, you've always been the boring old man. Yeah. Yeah. Even when I was in my 20s. I don't know how to tell you, but yeah, you've always been the boring old man. I mean, I would apologize for that, but it's been said by more than one person that a combat tour ages you 10 years. Yeah.

Which, having done one, I can understand. I can definitely understand that because by the time you met me, like, I'm sure Ross would tell you because Ross is one of the few people that we still keep in regular contact with that knew me before and after Iraq. He'd probably be the first to tell you that I came home completely different. Like, I just came home a much older person. Yeah. I would imagine so. But anyway, so is that kind of what you wanted to talk about? We kind of went all over the place. Well, we focused a lot on our marriage and

relationships with friends and things like that. But is that what podcasters do is talk about personal experience in front of... Well, of course, but I'm just asking since you picked today's topic if that's what you wanted to talk about. I think what I was most hoping for was that the audience would kind of like take this as an opportunity to look back at their own relationships and ask themselves, is there a moment when I haven't been feeling affection from this person that I feel like I should be feeling affection from? And that can be twofold. Am I not recognizing them trying to show me affection? Because they're trying to show me affection in a different way than the way I'm looking for it.

Yeah. Or is it equally possible that that person maybe doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do about them? He's just not that into you. That's another book. I was even talking about like with friendships because of the route you went down. But like that's kind of what I was hoping to provoke the audience to do some thinking about. Because I feel like that's been a big component of our relationship is that we've had to figure out how each other shows affection.

And that has changed over time. I mean, almost 20 years together. And now I feel like there are things that I don't even know if you and I think about them consciously that we do because we care for the other person. You know what I'm saying? Things that you wouldn't even think, I'm doing this because I love Phil. It's just things you do because you care. And then conversely, I have to now challenge myself

to think about those things she's doing that I don't immediately associate with. She's doing them because she cares about me, but is that why she's doing it? Is that a way she's trying to show me affection? Yeah. Like folding a load of laundry while I work on something else. Yeah.

I think it's important, even if it wasn't meant for me today. I think, yeah, you've definitely given me something to think about. So, not regards to you, though. I mean, that's the whole point of this podcast, is to talk through things about relationships. I feel like we fall into husband-wife territory very often because, I mean. Obvious reasons. Obvious reasons. We're married.

We're doing the podcast together. Like, that is the majority of our viewpoint because it's the two of us talking to each other, and that's our relationship. But I think a lot of this applies to any kind of relationship. And it's, you know, whether it's five love languages or it's just trying to figure out, like, I have this friend and they're doing this thing. And is that because they're trying to show me affection or what? I mean, it's, I feel like relationships are relationships. It's just, what are the terms of that relationship and how strong is that bond. But I guess we'd cap this off. I mean, I need to reload my coffee. We have more errands to do today. I just want to curl up and read the rest of my book. You can curl up and read the rest of your book.

I've got more reloading chores to do. Tread, don't feel sorry for moving our topic. That's why we love the whole comment section of our podcast. We look forward to y'all's comments to move the topics. Besides, we get ourselves off track all by ourselves. It's true. That is so true. Wow.

Thank y'all for tuning in today. Totally, totally appreciate it, as always. And I don't think. We have administrative stuff we should have done at the very top of the podcast, but we didn't. We always say that. What are the administrative things? Women Who Prep Conference. Women Who Prep Conference.

There's going to be a link soon. I've got to get through all of the steps to do it, but there's going to be an affiliate link. Is that what I'm saying right? Yes. Aff an affiliate link. Is that what I'm saying, right? Yes, affiliate link. That if you buy your tickets from my link, I get a 20% commission. Ooh, so that'd be nice. So look for that on my Instagram account, and I'll probably, yeah, I'll put it on Facebook as well. So Instagram and Facebook when that comes up.

And if you haven't checked out the Women Who Prep conference yet, you need to check that out. They are on Instagram. And This Prepared Life is also on Instagram. And Allison is the one who's hosting this event. What else? Joe needs to ask about the summer camping trip if he hasn't already. He's one of our newest patrons. Joe that's still watching. He's one of our newest patrons. Joe that's still watching. Joe that's still watching. Okay. Are you asking him to do that?

Is that a reminder to Joe? Joe, we're calling you out. I cannot remember if it's been specifically mentioned. I mean, that information's on Patreon, but I don't know if he scrolled through the whole miasma of it. Okay. Other than that, Prepper Camp 2024 plans are pretty solidified. We have a guarantee of a vendor's booth from Rick and Jane. We have tickets for you and Piper. We have a campsite.

Our favorite site. Our favorite site. 44 at the very top of the hill. If you've been to Prepper Camp, you know what I'm talking about, the hill. But that's all been locked down. We already have word that I think Ellen from Australia is coming back this year. Yes. See, we have friends all over the world.

Josh and Karina that you did meet last year. I'm excited to meet them. Well, actually, no. We podcasted with them. I remember. Okay. I know who they are. They've got tickets, campsite, everything ready, rock and roll.

I believe Randy and Uncle Randy and family are all lined up. Tommy, Andrew's making arrangements to come and join us. I mean, it's going to be another round of Prepper Camp. Joe, we'll send you some information. Yeah, I'll hitch on second one about 40 seconds. Yeah, we'll send you that info. I think that's it. Oh, I know we're forgetting stuff, but we'll, we'll think of it later.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm going Christmas shopping. I hope y'all enjoy the rest of your weekend and we'll see you next week. I think next week. Wait, when's Christmas? This is not good.

Um, um, that's Christmas? This is not good. That's Christmas Eve. And we're going to be at families. So we'll figure out next week. We'll figure something out. Let's check those comments first before we leave. What do they say? Got it. Okay.

All right, guys. We'll see you later. Thanks for joining us on Raising Values. Bye, everybody. Bye. guys we'll see you later thanks for joining us on raising values bye everybody bye Thank you.