The Prepper Broadcasting Network - Raising Values: Setting Boundaries

Episode Date: March 17, 2024

https://www.facebook.com/RaisingValuesPodcast/www.pbnfamily.comhttps://www.instagram.com/raisingvaluespodcast/http://www.mofpodcast.com/www.prepperbroadcasting.comhttps://rumble.com/user/Mofpodcastwww.youtube.com/user/philrabWomen Who Prep Conference: Come See GillianSupport the showMerch at: https://southerngalscrafts.myshopify.com/Shop at Amazon: http://amzn.to/2ora9riPatreon: https://www.patreon.com/mofpodcastSetting healthy boundaries is an important part of having any relationship. Be it spouse, friend, family, or even our children, every relationship is bound to sour and turn toxic if allowed to proceed without both parties expressing some expectation of behavior from the other. Almost as important is how to handle those boundaries being challenged....Raising Values Podcast is live-streaming our podcast on YouTube channel, Facebook page, and Rumble. See the links above, join in the live chat, and see the faces behind the voices.family, traditional, values, christian, marriage, dating, relationship, children, growing up, peace, wisdom, self improvement, masculinity, feminity, masculine, feminine

Welcome to the Raising Values Podcast, where the traditional family talks. You can find us on iTunes, Stitcher, and Spotify, and be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. You can support the Raising Values Podcast through Patreon. Bill and Gillian are behind the mic, and we hope you enjoy the show. welcome back to raising values i have the camper like way off today for some reason why didn't we do a camera check we did a mic check just saying hello good. I love you. She always asks me why we didn't do a camera check when we both know that I was ready to do a camera check way before you got here. Anyway.

So, we, okay, we weren't ready for the, like, go time. I don't think we were ready for the go time. To be fair, we were out late last night, and it's daylight go time. I don't think we were ready for the go time. To be fair, we were out late last night and it's daylight savings time. So there's like, there's multiple reasons to be off kilter this morning. Yes, I guess so. Yeah.

I was up all night coughing too. So anyway, I woke up at 7am for absolutely no conceivable reason. Just an hour before my alarm is supposed to go off and I'm awake. Yeah, no fun there. Anyway, so some business to get out of the way. Of course, you have your Women Who Prep Conference. That's next month.

And I think that's it. I don't think there's anything else that we have to really promote right now. I mean, just the usual reminder of Prepper Camps in September, if that's the thing you're into and uh you know if you are prepper camp prepper camp.com is where you should go look for information at this point like you're gonna have a hard time finding your way into the camp crowd itself but there's hotels and airbnbs and other options in the area. Yeah, I'm really not in the frame today. I'll just come sit over here.

How's that? That's fine. Okay. Well, today's episode, we are talking about setting boundaries in relationships. As my wife sets her elbow in my lap to get close. That is my boundary. You don't have boundaries with me. Oh, yes, I do. Yeah, you do.

I know. Anyway, recommended topic from your sister, which is awesome. I think we've kind of talked about setting boundaries before, and I feel like I always talk about the boundaries that I've been setting for myself. The boundaries are super important, and there's a variety of ways to work that into any conversation. And I think for, you know, the title says relationships. I think you can,

we probably need to expound on that a little bit. You setting boundaries for all sorts of interactions with different people. You know, I was thinking this morning, doctors, you set your boundaries for your doctor, um, and what you would, what? Well, I take relationships as a, I guess, more open definition than just like boyfriend, girlfriend, spouses. Like relationship is just a relationship with anybody, like with your doctor. It's going to be one of those mornings, isn't it? Yes. Great.

Great. Hopefully. Oh, good morning, Joe. I'm glad you're here so that you can. Witness my murder. I wasn't going to say that. can witness my murder. I wasn't going to say that. I was going to say so that you can enlighten us with what you would have to say as well. Being enlightened today by this guy.

Yeah. So setting boundaries in relationships. So I've been doing this a lot in the last couple of years of setting boundaries for myself, mainly just because of my mental health. And it is becoming easier and easier for me to set those boundaries. I have always been a people pleaser. I've always been a, what is the role of someone? You might hear our cat. I think she has a UTI, and so she's going a little cuckoo bananas. But anyway, right now she's trying to wake up Piper, and she's very upset that we're at this table for some reason.

But anyway, I've always been a people pleaser, and I've always been the person. The peacemaker. Peacemaker. I've always been the peacemaker, which is, I don't know if there are any other peacemakers that listen to this show it's a hard role and i i i am naturally the peacemaker because i am an empath and because i don't like confrontation and so i'm trying to make sure

everybody's happy i'm trying to make sure we're all on the same page and we're not mad at each other. And there's no confrontation happening. And unfortunately, that's just who I am. I don't like confrontation. That being said, I have gotten a lot better about setting boundaries. Because Gillian, prior to boundaries boundaries would let anyone and everyone run over her. And I still do. I still do to an extent. Um, there are some family members that I have to fight the guilt to allow. No, that's not what I'm trying to say. I have to fight the

guilt of setting those boundaries with those people, but still maintaining a relationship with them. Because the relationship that I have with, there's one person in mind, two people in mind, actually, in my family, who has boundaries. I have set boundaries for those people, but I still will be a caretaker and I will still be there to help and still allow myself to be in that relationship with them on my terms, sort of, in a way, kind of. Sometimes my terms aren't going to be my terms because of health reasons. But anyway, I, yeah.

So these last few years, I think since I was probably, I would say 37, 38. I don't know what is going on with this guy. She's nuts. 37, 38, I started to really look at my mental health and I started to really stop being concerned about what other people were doing or saying or living their life or how I really started to look at how I fit into their life. And, um, and then what kind of stress did that bring to me? And I am a big talker, especially on this show about energy and energy given and energy received and, you know, all of that stuff. And I've really started to like dive down into my witchiness and, and figure out where

my energies are coming from. And so as an empath, I'm picking up a lot of things. I'm always picking up other people's energies. And I had this like aha moment probably, well, around August, September, maybe October, I had this aha moment of there's certain people when I get around them that I just feel so nervous and anxious. And like, I stumble over my words and I can't, I'm not that person that I usually am. I'm not that like bubbly, whatever. I just like shrink into myself. And it just that aha moment of, hang on a second, this person makes me feel the same way when I'm around this person.

And I started thinking about that because there's this one person that I work with that makes me think of a family member of mine. And I'm trying to not like, I got to say too many names or whatever or relationships and this one person over here will call her left person and the right person is who I work with left person over here makes me feel a certain way because of some trauma throughout my life that she has created. And the amount of stress induced by this person. We're still talking about left person. And then this person over here on the right was cut from the same cloth.

Same energy. Same energy. And from what I can gather from what I've learned from different sources, has the same life almost that the person on the left does too. Like treats her family the same way, treats her kids and grandkids and all that stuff. It's all very much a mirror. And it was almost like I remember sitting in my classroom going, oh my God, that's what it is. I'm picking up on her energy and I'm always nervous and always like scrunch in on myself around this person because she makes me feel the exact same way when I'm around this other person.

And then it was like, wait a second, maybe it's not me. Maybe it's not, I'm not feeling stress for myself, or maybe it is both. Maybe I'm feeling the stress from those energies, but I'm also feeling their stress and their energies. i just said the same thing but i meant it two different ways i'm feeling their energies and it's making me stressed out but i'm also feeling their stress does that make sense i'm feeding you the rope i'm following okay so i'm getting stressed from two different ways yes mine and theirs and theirs. Yeah. Okay. So boundaries. So I have set boundaries with left person. I can only set, I mean, I can set boundaries with right person. Um, luckily I don't see this person a whole lot because I'm always in my classroom, but anyway. But that is a boundary. Black, reducing, reducing my door, reduction of proximity.

hungry black reducing reduction closing my door reduction of proximity i can tell you though my relationship my interactions i shouldn't say relationship because i'm yes i have a relationship with this person because we work together but my interactions with her have um been different ever since that aha moment because i'm now thinking whenever I see her or I have to interact with her, this isn't me. This energy, this nervousness, this anxiety that I'm feeling, this is yours. This isn't mine. This is yours. And so it's kind of given me a little boost of confidence and I'm a little bit more in control of being able to control myself. Does that make sense? Am I making sense today? To me at least. Okay. I don't know if I'm making sense to.

I am fluent in Gillian at this point. That's true. Good morning, Nina. Glad you're here. So to give a polar opposite to that. Okay. I've never been a people pleaser. No, you haven't.

Never been a people pleaser. I wouldn't say I was always. never been a people pleaser. No, you haven't. Never been a people pleaser. I wouldn't say I was always, I would say that my failing when I was younger was not the inability to establish boundaries, but the fact that I didn't know how to be in a relationship. I didn't know how to be in a relationship with proportionate boundaries, if that makes sense. In other words, like if a person made me uncomfortable, they're out. That relationship is over.

I'm casting them out of my life because that person, like, I didn't know how to stay in a relationship and enforce boundaries. In other words, if you pushed my boundaries, you were out. And there was not going to be a situation where I was going to stay in that relationship and have you continue to test my boundaries. It was, no, you're testing my boundaries, you're out. Yeah. I've seen you end a couple of relationships with people just because they crossed a line. There was no give or take. There was just a, you're done. Yeah. Now, I would say that I've gotten a little bit better about that over the years, only because I'm still extremely picky and choosy about who I allow

kind of into my inner circle, but I feel like it has tiers now. I'm willing to be friendly but casual to people with the understanding in my head that you're at the first circle. You're never going to get past that because you and I just haven't built that relationship for me to allow you further in. And then there are people who are all the way to my inner circle because we have that relationship. We have that history. We have that mutual respect for each other that I feel comfortable letting them that far in. But that is that tiered system, something that did not exist for me when I was younger. It was binary.

It was you're all the way in or you're all the way out. I have noticed, you know, so no, actually, next week we will have been married 16 years, but we've been together for 20 years. In those 20 years, I have noticed your level of forgiveness for people. And maybe it's not forgiveness. You certainly don't forget what people do or have done. But you do have, I have seen. I move past it maybe.

So is it not forgiveness? I don't know how to answer that question when it comes, when it, which is slightly off topic, but only a little bit. But like. Not really, because that's a boundary. Yeah. I think forgiving people. For me, whether or not, I don't know how to, I don't know what word to use for it. not, I don't know how to, I don't know what word to use for it.

I can move past a person doing me wrong, but I'm never going to forget it. And there will be no contrition from that wrong until it's been asked for. And that by itself eliminates most, most reconciliation between me and other people, because most people are too proud or too stupid to ask for forgiveness. And my point of view is, and a lot of it goes back to how I was raised, but like, if you wrong a person, I don't want to say it's like ritualistic or ceremonial, but there is like a reasonable expectation that you're going to apologize for that injury and ask that person's forgiveness. And when a person has come to you and humble themselves and ask for that forgiveness, it's kind of on you as an adult to give it to them. You know what I'm saying? Like that person

asked that they admit they hurt me. They asked for forgiveness. If I continue to hold it overhead, now I'm in the wrong. So my problem has always been that knowing that most people are not going to ask for that forgiveness and try to mend that relationship, I can just say, I can just kind of like stick it in a box and say, I'm never going to get that apology, but that means this relationship is going to end. Because I'm not, it's never going to get back to a state where I'm comfortable being injured again. Because that person wronged me and they're never, it's not even the apology necessarily, but it's the apology that gives me some hope. I'm not going to get hurt again. But if you don't apologize for it,

then you're not admitting you did wrong. And if you're not admitting you did wrong, how can I ever expect you're not going to do it again? Right. I do see that. I absolutely do see that. I, I have a couple of, maybe a few, and I feel like they're ongoing because in some capacity or another, these people are still in my life. And I don't see that changing in the near future anytime soon. But, for instance, there's this one person, again, I'm not calling out names, who... I know who you are out there in listener land. You don't even know who I'm about to talk about, but you will. You will. So the last month, I would say, maybe not so much a month but the last month has been a little difficult at um for

our family we still covet your prayers of course things are still moving along in that department but um because of where i live i am going to be the person responsible for some things. And I was telling another person yesterday that I'm not going to receive the help that I feel should be given in this scenario. Just simply because I don't think they're able. And it's not like monetarily able. I'm not talking about that. Or physically able. I think mentally, emotionally, they are not able to commit to helping me out in a certain way, in an aspect that I need them to help in. And that's fine. And what I was telling this other person was, you know, she was saying it really makes her upset. And she's, you know, she's watching from the sidelines. And it's really just upsetting to see

me having to go through this and da da da. And I'm like, I'm not mad about it because I know who this person is. I know how she is. I know what I'm going to get from her. And I can't be mad. I'm not going to waste my energy trying to force her to do something that's just not going to happen. And then if it does happen, then it's going to be fighting tooth and nail, you know, more energy spent on something where I would have just rather not go down that road. Is this kind of like the frog and the scorpion without the malice? Where the scorpion rides the frog's back?

And then stings the frog, and then the frog says, why'd you sting me? And the scorpion says, because I'm a scorpion. It's like you can't get mad at a person for being who they are. Exactly, exactly. Yeah, I guess I've never heard that one. You never heard that parable? Not the frog and the scorpion. So the short version goes that there's a frog and a scorpion on one side of a bank and the scorpion asked the frog if he can take him to the other side. I've heard the concept. I guess the animals were different.

Okay. May have been. But the short version of the short parable is halfway across the scorpionion stings the frog, and the frog says, why did you do that? Now we're both going to drown. And the scorpion says, because I'm a scorpion. It's just a parable to say that if you let a scorpion on your back and he stings you, you can't get mad at him because he's a scorpion and you knew he was a scorpion before you let him on your back and got halfway across the river. Well, yes. So that is how I feel with this one relationship that I have. This person is just not ever going to commit to anything that I'm going to need them to commit to. So why waste my energy on trying to get them to commit? It's just not going to happen. But then as far as what you were saying for the apology, something that we've always told Piper, and I told my dad this the other day, and he wrote it down, and I was really surprised because, you know, like we talked about in past episodes, my parents used to be on a pedestal for me.

They were the smartest, the best, everything. They were just the parents. They were my parents. And so my dad is like tested genius. And love my dad to death. He's super, super smart. He has no common sense, which seems to be,

you either give up common sense for brains or you get a little of both. And you know what that feels like, Phil? Do you know how that feels? Well, you know. Do you know that brain? Yeah. Do you know how that feels? Well, you know. Do you know that brain? When God distributes the common sense and the intelligence, he has to give the rest of the men a chance by not giving everybody both.

I mean, you have a little bit of common sense. I got a little more common sense than you give me credit for. Joking. Maybe not the social graces. But anyway, I told him, and this is something we've always raised Piper to say, or what we've always said to Piper is, an apology is no good unless there's changed behavior. So, you know, because she used to say,

oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, for whatever reason. Maybe she was in trouble or she got caught doing something or whatever. And she'd say, I'm sorry. But the behavior would continue. And so'd say, I'm sorry. But the behavior would continue. And so we started to tell her behaviors. I mean, you have to have changed behavior in order for your apologies to mean anything to us. Well, I started to apply that to everyone, not just as a lesson to my child, but why am I not holding adults accountable for that as well? That's an excellent question.

And so I would get these apologies, and I've gotten some recently. And they're words. They're either spoken words or they're in a text or they're whatever. Sheldon's from Big Bang are real people. Oh, oh, Sheldon's super smart, no common sense. They are real people. I live with one. I was raised by one.

Yes. There have been times where Gillian has asked me a question and I have answered it. And the look on her face immediately tells me she was trying to make a joke or she was asking a rhetorical question. She was not asking for a five-minute explanation of, like, you know, trigonometry or whatever. No, most times I have to preface or preface or however you want to say it a question that I'm going to ask Phil with,

I need a short answer just give me the short answer short answer is usually two to three minutes instead of five to ten and then i'm walking into the kitchen and i'm making dinner and it's like oh we're still talking about this okay i'm sorry i'm listening i'm listening um sometimes the short answer you get is i have no idea babe i don't get that very often because I feel like as soon as I ask it, you are there typing something on the phone. Like you're researching the answer if you don't know the answer. But anyway, off topic.

So I have gotten some apologies throughout my years, of course. Everyone has. I would hope that everyone has had apologies throughout my years of course everyone has i would hope that everyone has had apologies throughout their years but when i started to hold adults accountable for their apologies and i started to look at past behaviors and i started to look at patterns and behavior with friends and family members and then this apology would come along because my feelings were hurt or whatever and then the gas lighting and then all that other stuff we won't even get to that but i i know that even though there's this long apology um the behavior is not going to change

because the pattern leading up to it is still there because the scorpion still scorpion the scorpion is still a scorpion and so i immediately because i am now getting better at creating boundaries i immediately cut off the relationship because i don't have time for it i don't have time for fake friends or fake family or whatever. Because you can have toxic family members. And you don't have to have a relationship with toxic family members. You can cut off that relationship in various ways or create boundaries for those people. Same as you would do for a friend or an old friendship.

So what has happened with me and what I think setting boundaries does is you start to see yourself in a new light. You start to think of yourself a little higher, like you deserve a little bit more than what those people are giving you. And you see those people give others those things, and why am I not on that list? I'm just as deserving to be on that list. And then maybe the answer just simply is

because they will never see you like that. And to them, you will not be that person. And that's fine. I don't need it in my life. I don't need it in my life. And so boundaries are set. And boundaries could be a simple unfollow from Facebook or Instagram or a block on a phone or it could be whatever. My boundary was I'm not even going to respond because responding is not going to be fruitful in any way. You know, the apology came with a bunch of gaslighting

and a bunch of this was your fault and you should have done this and why didn't you do that and blah, blah, blah. And so me defending myself was only going to further that. It was only going to give more than that. Because had I said, hey, look, you really hurt my feelings kind of thing, and then they acknowledged that, then that would have been different. Maybe we were down a road where they were willing and able to listen to something that they did wrong.

But the response, in response to you hurt my feelings, was nothing. It was no acknowledgement of what they did. It was everything how I did something wrong. And so that was when I decided we're done because I don't need that in my life. I already have so much other crap going on in my life where my energy is actually needed and my energy is deserving. And those people see that it's deserving. And so I get the energy received that I'm giving out. I don't need that anymore in my life. And so I am okay at this point in my life cutting off friendships or cutting off relationships with family members. I'm okay with that.

Or if not cutting them off completely, at least making them more superficial, more limited. Definitely superficial and limited. Definitely limited. Yes. Definitely limited. And limited in not just how often I interact with them, but limited in what information they receive. Yeah. And limited in not just how often I interact with them, but limited in what information they receive. That it doesn't mean, you know, I tell my sister this all the time because she has this one person who she feels like she continues to need to have in her life. And that's fine because I feel the same way about this person.

But when this person calls and is fishing for information, what I've told my sister, and because this is what I do, is everything is fine. The kids are fine. My husband's fine. Work is fine. School is fine. Everything's great. Nobody's sick.

Everybody's great. Everything's great. There's nothing bad to report. There's no drama to live off of because that's what that person lives off of. It's drama. And so I don't feed into it. I don't feed them the things that they need to either go gossip or text their friends about me or my family or whatever. I don't feed into it anymore. And so everything's fine.

Most often, if you ask me, anybody, everything's great. No, we're good. And I'm not going to share information with a lot of people. That's the other boundary that I've created for myself is you don't get to know everything about me. And we talked about this on the social media episode last week. I still post to social media. I will still say things. I will still post pictures and do all sorts of interactions on social media.

I will still post pictures and do all sorts of interactions on social media. But I will be the first to admit that what you see on social media isn't at all everything in our life. Not even a tenth. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I would say that based on know, based on this conversation, I see boundaries to two directions. First is you're placing a boundary upon yourself, like what you're willing to put into the relationship. And the other is you're placing a boundary, like a filter to restrict what's able to come into the relationship. You know, like the relationship is just, it's a two, it's like a, it's a two way, hey, street. And you can, you have to be able to place boundaries on both ends to say, based on who this person is or the way they treat us,

there's certain things I'm not willing to allow in. And there's certain behaviors I'm not willing to permit to be brought in towards me. there's certain behaviors I'm not willing to permit to be brought in towards me. And I feel like sometimes that's where the difficulty comes in, is understanding that I feel like the difficulty is twofold. I think it's very difficult, especially it was for you for a long time, to place that boundary and enforce it where people's behavior towards you, you didn't think was appropriate, made you uncomfortable, made you feel bad, but you didn't know how to like stand firm on that boundary and

say, no, I am not going to be treated this way. And then at the same time, I feel like you also had a problem with setting that boundary and saying like, I'm, I'm going to limit your, like you are demanding X amount of my attention. I'm only going to give you this much. Because I don't know if I want to use the word. They're not worth more than that, but they're not deserving of that behavior. I think deserving is a better, maybe, and worth. I mean, why not say worth?

Deserving and worth. You could use those to say the same thing. Sometimes it has a different connotation. Some people use the word. I guess so. They're worth something and they get their feelings heard. And I don't draw distinctions between that. But then again, I don't let my emotions get tired of a lot of my decision making.

I don't feel like deserving and worth have very different things. Because I was told by someone who I considered a friend for my birthday that there was something going on with my birthday. And her response to coming was, it's not worth it. You're not worth it. And we're not going. And it kind of hurt my heart a little bit. I did come home and cry because I was like, what? Somebody, I mean, it wasn't even through actions of saying I'm not worth it.

You know, like, and I feel like the text message I received from someone else, even though it was a long whatever, all it really said was, you're not worth this. You're not worth me accepting an apology or giving you an apology. You're not worth that. But I'm going to tell you whatever this is. But this person came flat out and said, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. And I was like, do you know what you're saying? Like, you know what you just said to me? I don't think, I don't think they fully thought through the ramifications of what they were saying

when they said it. Probably not, but. But you know, the other, the other side of this equation is that if you're in the position like I am where setting boundaries kind of comes naturally and easily. And I would say in most cases, like, I am emotionally at peace and have no guilt about setting a boundary on a relationship. Because I have always believed that a relationship is, I mean, first of all, it's not compulsory. At least the way I grew up, you're not under any obligation to be in a relationship with anybody. Right. And unfortunately, sometimes that includes family members.

It's like we're always going to be family. I don't wish ill upon you, but I don't have to ever speak to you again for the rest of my life if you treat me poorly, which is a difference between you and I, because I've... Yeah, I was about to say, I was raised a little bit different. Family's family. You're supposed to be there for your family, and you're supposed to allow access to all

family members to yourself. But on the flip side of things, I... Okay. So, part of... I think part of... I don't want to say the disconnect, but part of like part of my rationale comes from the fact that like the way I was raised was that once I got married and once I had children, you two became my family. Like my parents are always going to be my parents. My extended family will always be my extended family. But my, my family, that core group, it only includes three people now. Four if you include the furry little terrorists we live with. But there's only three people in this family. So the three people that I have to have a relationship are the woman I married and the child that I helped create.

And that's it. Everybody else is optional at this point. And that sounds like very harsh. And I think that my parents wouldn't take it as being harsh because- I don't think your parents would. They're probably watching. My father's the one that instilled that in me. But it's the idea that the family that you create is your responsibility and they're the ones you have to be the closest to because you are responsible for them. Right.

So all that being said is, whatever is best for my family, which sometimes means cutting off contact with people that are hurtful to us or mistreat us, that is what has to happen. So if I have to cut off contact with somebody because they're not good to be around my child, that's the way it is. Joe has a question for you. So when my daughter gets married, she's going to be in a very similar position that I am now, as far as I'm concerned. Like I will always be her father. I will always be on the other side of a phone call or the other side of a whatever if she needs me. If her husband needs me, if her kids need me, if she has kids, if she gets married, who knows? I will always be her father. But I also expect her to hold her husband closer to her heart than me because I'm her father. That's her husband. That's her other half. And when she has children, I expect her to

hold, to do right by those kids before she ever does right by you and me. We're adults. We're responsible for ourselves. That is the family she has chosen and created. And that is ultimately what should be closer in her heart. Now, I'm not going to take that personally. I would take it personally if the opposite happened and she married a man, but then daddy came first in her life. Because at that point i'd

be like well hold on a second that's not the way this is supposed to work hang on let me tell you about my life with your mother when we first got married well but that was because that's how i was but that was also something now talking about setting boundaries and i would say boundaries and expectations kind of go hand in hand but But when we first got together, like, yeah, that was something I made vividly apparent to you. You are going to have to deal with the cat. She's having a morning. She's not happy. That was something I made very apparent to you very early on was this is how I was raised.

This is my expectation of marriage. And if you want me to commit to this marriage, it has to be this way. And I never put that on you to strong arm you or to like, I don't like to use the word ultimatum, but it was really just me trying to very, very honestly express to you, there are certain things in this marriage that have to be this way because if they're not, marriage is not going to work monogamy loyalty so on you know like pretty basic stuff but it was still the fact that if the marriage is not this way i cannot comfortably be in this no so if you if you came to me today and said like you want to become a swinger or something crazy i'd be like that's a that's that's to be a hard no for me because those were not part of the original terms and conditions.

Weird, and you made it weird. I know. I make it weird. But in this case, my whole thing to you was, if we're going to get married, I have to come first because you come first to me. That was what you had said to me, and I didn't understand it at 20.

How old was I? 24, 25? Because I was like, but I live with you, and I love't understand it at 20 how old was I 24 25 well because I was like but I live with you and I love you and let's do the math you were 25 and I was 26 when we got married was I yeah okay anyway because it was it was past January in 2008 but I had some and I don't know if maybe other women go through this I had some like weird it wasn't weird but I had some, and I don't know if maybe other women go through this. I had some like weird, it wasn't weird, but I had an attachment to my parents. Then I guess I didn't want to. I guess most people do. Well, I would assume most people do. Not all people, but I had this, I guess, you know what it was?

My parents were still on this pedestal for me. You don't share wives, cars, tools, or guns. Full stop. True. That right there, words to live by. I guess because my parents were still. Hold on one second. Didn't want to blow the audience's ears out.

Crazy. Still getting over my cold. I didn't want to blow the audience's ears out. Crazy. Still getting over my cold. My parents were still on a pedestal for me, and you weren't quite there yet. When we first got together, we won't go down this road very long because this isn't a, well, maybe it is a boundary.

I don't know. I did everything I could to get you to break up with me. Oh, God, did you ever. Well, not everything. I didn't do everything. I didn't cheat on you or anything like that. She wanted it to be my fault. Mainly I was just a bitch. Mainly I was just a bitch.

Which, I don't know. Anyway, I was stupid and young and dumb. This was an extension of the, if you love something, you let it go and it'll come back to you. This was I love him, so I'm going to act like I hate him and make him break up with me. And if he sticks around through all this, he's freaking crazy. Boy loves me. Well, there was a lot that went into the whole game that I was playing of maybe he'll break up with me kind of thing. You're so lucky that I liked you as much as I did because every girl that pulled that crap with me prior to you

was like instant ejection. That boundary was set. Yes. But I jumped it. I allowed you a little further in. You allowed it? To be fair, it wasn't like from the first time I met you, you were just insufferable to me.

No, I wasn't. You waited until, I think you waited until about the time I proposed to you. And at that point- No, it was about six months in, because I remember going to the beach with my family. And I don't know. Anyway, I wanted you to break up with me. You were dumb. I was dumb. You were dumb. I was so dumb, but I'm glad I'm not dumb anymore. I was only 21 years old at the time. 21 year olds are dumb. 21 year olds are dumb. But okay. So anyway, I don't know where I was going with that, but

back to having my parents on a pedestal and whatever, we either, we were just about to get married or we had just gotten married because I remember we lived in our first apartment. And you said those exact words to me, either I come first or I have to come first in this relationship. And that was, I think, the first time in my life that I've actually retrospectively looked at myself and was like, what does he mean? Oh my gosh, I'm really doing that. I challenged her in a lot of ways. oh my gosh I'm really doing that I challenged her in a lot of ways and is that is that about the time though that I started to move away from being mom and daddy's little girl to being Phil's wife I would say it was about that time I remember there was a short period of time where you started going through uh you know counseling I think it was in Hammond actually and I know that was one

of the things I know that was one of the things that got brought up during that was, you know, like, why, why do, why are your, why is your family here? And yet the man that you were engaged to or married to, I don't recall the time, the time, timetable, why is the man you're married to here and your family's here? And I know that was something that came up. It it was it was probably one of our bigger fights yeah but again to me it was and it was like i told you then i'm like i'm not saying you're not their daughter and their sister anymore i'm just saying that like you you you're trying to think of my words here. It wasn't that you were asking me to put you first, but from my point of view

by entering into a marriage, that's what it was. You were going to be first. You were always going to be first. Your needs and wants were going to come ahead of my needs and wants. Yeah.

And now, two of y'all's. Two of y'all come ahead of my needs and wants and like and maybe it was just really hard for me because i've always taken care of of everyone else and i don't this is not like a everybody get your violin out for gillian kind of moment but i still struggle with this even with like your sister because your sister invited me to go on two girls trips this summer and being included in every single aspect of it has been weird to me because it to me it says somebody actually cares about gillian's input i know i'm talking in third person but

i've always taken care of everyone else. And then I had this lug of a guy come in, and he wanted to take care of me. And I was like, whoa, this is weird. You can't take care of me. I take care of myself, and then I'll take care of you because I take care of people. I don't know. Maybe it was that. I'm just weird like that.

Yeah. It has been weird. It has been hard for me to accept help from others. It's always hard for me to do that. Yeah. It has been weird. It has been hard for me to accept, um, to accept help from others. It's always hard for me to do that. And to be fair, like you, you also expressed in our marriage that like, you still want to maintain a lot of your independence. You don't, you don't want to be micromanaged. You want to be able to kind of like, right. You know, handle your own stuff. And I've always, I've, I was ecstatic with that because I told you years ago, I'm like, the last thing I'm looking to marry is a dependent. I don't want a wife that I have to like, you know, take care of basic adult functionalities for.

Like I should be able to trust you and say, hey, babe, can you handle this? And if you say yes, I should be able to turn my back and walk away and never think about again knowing it got done because you've always said that yeah but for in it works the opposite direction too though because you have to have the expectation that if you ask me to take care of something it's going to get done because it all comes back to like the two of us are both working from both directions try to take care of the family and the family's priorities. Yeah. So, I mean, I would say this whole conversation about boundaries is also a discussion about expectations and standards. And it really is just about defining the relationship and saying that in order for me to commit to this relationship, there are certain things that have to happen and have to be done a certain way.

And I don't think that that should ever be an ugly conversation to have. I think a lot of people take it. I think at some point, like something I've heard a lot growing up is this idea of, well, I'm perfect the way I am. Take me as I am. And I think that's just bull crap, 100%. I don't do that. Huh? I don't do that. You don't? I don't think I'm perfect in every way. Well, you don't, but a lot of, you hear that a lot from society is this idea that like, well, if anybody puts expectations on

you, they're wrong. You're you, you, they have no right to put expectations on you. But that whole thing about a relationship being a non-compulsory thing. It's like, if you do not acquiesce to the standards and the demands I'm trying to place upon this relationship, I'm free to leave. So that's all I ever tell people is I'm like, when we talk about setting boundaries in relationships, all we're really doing is setting the terms by which I'm willing to engage in this relationship. And if you're not willing to accept those boundaries or those terms or those standards or that code of conduct or that, whatever,

that's fine. It just means I'm not going to be in the relationship and it works. It has to work both ways. Like in order for me to be your husband, there are certain things you expect of me. And it doesn't matter to me if like anybody else thinks that's right or wrong. Those were your boundaries. And I'm going to respect them because I care about you. But if I don't respect them, then you're out of here. Yeah. So that's all I'm saying. I mean, I think that a relationship

without boundaries is always going to wind up being an extraordinarily toxic one, a very unproductive one, because I think that any relationship, like you said earlier, whether we're talking about family, spouses, your doctor, your neighbors, your whatever, every relationship has to have boundaries. There has to be a point at which you define what that relationship is or is not willing to tolerate. Because if you don't, then by default, you're willing to tolerate anything. And tolerating anything leaves you, you know, subject to the whims of the other person in that relationship.

And I hate to say it, but nine times out of 10, that's going to mean you get taken advantage of. Yeah. And even the nicest person will still take advantage of someone without boundaries. The nicest person is still going to take that which is available because that is just human nature. So at a certain point, I don't want to say to avoid being a pushover, but to avoid being taken advantage of. That's always, I wouldn't, well, in, I'm thinking of two different relationships I've been in,

not like boyfriend,friend, but friendships. I was always the pushover. And so I always jumped when they said jump, or I always jumped when they said I need, or I didn't do this. And they didn't necessarily ask if I would do it, but I always... People-pleasing. Yeah.

Again, I'm a people-pleaser. I am not going... I'm not a people-ple. Yeah. Again, I'm a people pleaser. I am not going... I'm not a people pleaser anymore. I guess I just really don't care. Like if you want it done, you do it. I'm not jumping. Because, and this is what I've said to some people that have asked about this relationship. This person was always quick to say jump.

And Gillian was always quick to jump. Yep. But when I said, I need you to jump, that person was like, me? I don't jump. Yeah. And thank God I was in the place that I was in. Thank God I've transitioned into this new person.

Mindset. Mindset. Because that was an expectation of mine. I'm giving you, I'm jumping. Why aren't you, why can't you jump for me? And then that goes back to the, I'm, I'm just as deserving for people to jump for me as you are for people to jump for you. And then it turned out that there were people in your life who the minute, I wouldn't even say the minute you asked them to jump, but the minute you like green lighted them, because they were already on the sidelines hopping up and down saying, put me in coach, put me in. Yeah. Yeah. And they were like, I'll jump for you because you've jumped for me in the past and I'll jump for you now. And yeah,

it's just been night and day. It's been weird. And it's taking me some time. I told that to your sister. I was like, you just got to bear with me. jump for a lot of people but i don't have a lot of people that jump for me and so it's weird when people are jumping for me you know the other thing i was thinking about because we have to wrap this up here in a minute because i know you have things to do that's why we start the podcast half hour early yeah i gotta i gotta get out of here. But I thought to myself, like looking back at your personality over, like you said, 20 years together and realizing that you've always been a people pleaser and you've always had trouble setting boundaries. Do you think maybe that's part of the reason why I have always kind of like been hyper independent and like taking care of things

by myself and not ask for your help with a lot of things because to me it was like she's constantly going in 50 directions for everybody else i'm not putting one more demand upon her that's a question you have to answer i'm i'm that's that's the question i am rattling around in my head right now so so you do things to you you're jumping for me because people don't jump for me that's what i'm wondering because like like i said well but it's like i said like i've always i've always hang on i've always you're not included in that people don't jump for me you've always jumped for me i know but like i said sometimes me jumping for you is she's already given everything she's got to everybody else there's nothing left to give.

It wasn't my intention. It's just an observation. Like, I'm thinking to myself, because, like, I don't know. Sky here. You know me, though. I don't always think through, like, super, super deep, like, the reason i'm doing something if that makes sense like to me it's just like okay this feels like the right thing to do or i'm reading the room and i'm trying to work with the energy in here and i just go with it i don't i don't spend a lot of

time questioning my decisions and i'm wondering to myself if that's why for all these years i've kind of held back from asking you for help because like we still get into it every now and then now because you'll be like why didn't you ask for my help and i was like because i had it we almost almost weekly on sundays when you're doing chores around the house or something yeah yeah never thought of it much i just thought i always just thought to myself i'm like well if she wanted to help she could come over and help. And if she doesn't want to, then it's probably because she's exhausted and just needs to chill for a bit. I do. I do.

I do go through that. I feel like I get so emotionally spent and my well is so dry that I don't have anything left to give. left to give. And that's one of the reasons why I have given up on relationships and set boundaries is because my family doesn't deserve mom to have a dry well. I need to come home with something left to give. And it's one of the reasons why I stopped working in nonprofits and started working as a teacher where I would have the time to veg and I would have weekends and the nights, I stuttered, weekends and nights and summers and holidays and all of those times to recharge. And that has made a world of difference. But then I also, in that time period, have cut off relationships that just as equally, if not more, drain my well quicker and drier

so that I have nothing left to give at the end of the day. And that is actually part of the reason why I've been so quick to hold certain people at arm's length ever since you've known me. Because my point of view is when I when I come, when I come home, when y'all come home from, you know, from work and school, y'all do not deserve to have a husband and father who's, you know, just, just like has all these other things injecting toxic, toxic energy into his life. Like my point of view is that my life stopped being all mine to live and to do the moment I got married. My life is supposed to be to enrich yours. The minute we had her, again, now I have two things

that come ahead of me. So whether I want a relationship or not with another person, friend or whatever, if that relationship is harmful to my family, or even if it's harmful to me, if it takes from me so I have less to give to y'all, it's not a relationship that I can have. Because again, it's a question of priority. And I'm never going to prioritize the toxic relationship that takes from me more than I prioritize the energy I could maintain to give to my family. But we do have to wrap this up. I know. I've got to get going. You told me 45-minute show. We're 53 minutes right now.

I know. Okay. It was a good episode. It was a good episode. I think it was. So anyway, well, thank you guys. I'm glad we did announcements at the beginning, but thanks for joining us today.

And, you know, yada, yada, yada. Yada, yada, yadaada we'll see you next week i think next week what we'll let you know we'll let you know it's always a case by case week by week basis but thanks for joining us so early this morning certainly appreciate it and we'll see y'all later have a good rest of your day get some coffee and get a nap. Bye everybody. Thank you.