The Prepper Broadcasting Network - Raising Values: Should You Spoil Your Spouse?

Episode Date: August 4, 2024

https://www.facebook.com/RaisingValuesPodcast/www.pbnfamily.comhttps://www.instagram.com/raisingvaluespodcast/http://www.mofpodcast.com/www.prepperbroadcasting.comhttps://rumble.com/user/Mofpodcastwww.youtube.com/user/philrabSupport the showMerch at: https://southerngalscrafts.myshopify.com/Shop at Amazon: http://amzn.to/2ora9riPatreon: https://www.patreon.com/mofpodcastOver a family vacation, Phil and Gillian got to talking about relationships between husband and wife, and the question came up: Should you spoil your spouse? What is the difference between “spoiling” and taking care of them, or acts of service? Raising Values Podcast is live-streaming our podcast on our YouTube channel, Facebook page, and Rumble. See the links above, join in the live chat, and see the faces behind the voices.family, traditional, values, christian, spiritual, marriage, dating, relationship, children, growing up, peace, wisdom, self improvement, masculinity, feminity, masculine, feminine

Welcome to the Raising Values Podcast, where the traditional family talks. You can find us on iTunes, Stitcher, and Spotify, and be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. You can support the Raising Values Podcast through Patreon. Bill and Gillian are behind the mic, and we hope Raising Values. Good morning. Good morning. It's PJ's and coffee morning at the Rabbley household. Yes, I did get a little dressed, but I slept for 12 hours last night because I'm feeling a little run down. I'd rather get the sickness out of the way before school starts. But in my defense, I did ask you, I'm like, do you want to cancel the stream this

morning? And I know you were like, it's 915. I'm still asleep at 915, which I hate doing because I don't, I don't know. I don't like sleeping late because I feel like I've wasted sunshine of, you know, I've wasted the day. Um, but i went to bed at 9 30 so i slept 12 hours just not feeling great the answer i got was not english or human it was kind of well i am a little bit of a troll in the morning and i will admit i'm sorry i am not a morning person at all i have it i have witnesses now and especially when I don't feel good. So I just have a little tickle in my throat, and I just don't want it to go any further. So I just went to bed early last night and stayed asleep. And I did wake up at 1 o'clock to take some NyQuil.

That's probably why I slept the rest of the 12 hours. That'll do it. Anyway, but a couple of things first business first business first we are and i've said this not yeah in our last episode not last week but the week before last that we are working on new merch for this show and matter of facts and the guys andrew and phil have given me direction on the graphics for the new merch for Matter of Facts. And I've gotten four things done. Four things done.

Yeah. So those are going to be sent hopefully today. I'm going to work on the last little graphic that they want for a shirt today. And then we'll send it off to Southern Gals to get mocked up on shirts and things like that. I have to say, y'all, this new merch for Matter of Facts and Raising Values, not to toot my own horn, but it's really cute, funny. Theirs is really funny and it's totally Phil and Andrew. I can't wait for y'all to see it. But as soon as it hits the

website for you all to order, there's going to be t-shirts. You can get it on koozies. You can, I'm sure Chris and Tiffany will work with you if you want it on something else, like a sweatshirt or something like that. But we are moving away from great big logos on our shirts because nobody wants to wear a logo that's just my opinion i don't want to wear just a big logo um so these are funny they're subtle they're cute they're some of them are not subtle on the matter of fact well no no on the matter of fact side they're not subtle um i wouldn-of-fact side. Well, no, on the matter-of-fact side, they're not subtle. I wouldn't go with cute either. Well, Tactical Raccoon is.

The Tactical Raccoon, I love it. I'm going to get one. I'm going to get one of the Tactical Raccoon. There's two Tactical Raccoons, actually. So anyway, so that's the business for the merch that's coming. Please, please, please be aware of that. And we will, I think think probably on the next episode, we'll put the graphics up so you can see what's available for raising values. And then Phil and Andrew can do the same for Matter of Facts. So that is that side of business.

I don't think there's anything else business-wise. Prepper Camp's coming up in September. I'm so excited and ready. We are very excited about Prepper Camp coming up. I've been, on the matter-of-facts side of the house, I've been burning the midnight oil working on the radio man-packed repeater project so that I can have that tested and this podcast that will be at Prepper Camp and are radio nerds, if you have a GMRS radio, you'd be able to hook up about and maybe look at it as an off-grid comms plan for your family, like just stop in by the booth and I'll talk your ear off until you glaze over and walk away. We don't glaze over when you talk, do we? Yes, you do.

Everybody does. It's okay. People used to ask me, how do you like deal with Phil? He talks so much and all that stuff and from very early on in our relationship i learned to tune your your voice out while still paying attention and still being able to be a part like i would catch snippets i would get the cliff notes of what you were trying to tell me unfortunately as i've gotten older i've begun to to recognize the face she makes when she's glazed over, but still trying to pay attention. I do my best. I do my best. Anyway, so to get to the topic at hand today, the title that

Phil chose was, Should We Spoil Our Spouses? The one that I gave him, which I guess he thought maybe it wasn't appropriate. I don't know. The one I gave him was, should we, what, hang on a second. For clarity's sake, you didn't even realize this was the topic I picked until yesterday. Well, no, because we had two topics on hand. Anyway, I said spoiling versus babying your spouse. And what I want to do is kind of go into the differences in that. But I also want to set my disclaimer now, and I don't think Stuart is listening. So we're gonna have to start over. Spoiling versus babying versus caretaking, because caretaking for your, as being a caretaker

of your spouse, I, I feel like goes in a totally separate category from what we're going to talk about today. Caretaking is not spoiling or babying your spouse. Caretaking is caretaking. So there's my disclaimer for that. When I, when we're talking about this topic, I'm not talking about the people who take care of their... Like sick or injured spouse. Sick or injured spouse.

Yes, sick or injured spouse. What we're talking about is a spouse who... Is able-bodied. Yes. Two able-bodied people in a relationship, mentally, physically, able-bodied, can take care of themselves. And then the other spouse is coming in and either spoiling or babying that spouse. I think the cat is about to have a meltdown because our daughter's door is closed. That cat, she always waits until we start recording to have her meltdowns.

At least she's not trying to knock the tripod over this time. Well, at least the listeners know that this is real i mean stewart has said on more than one occasion that like they're especially when piper was younger and had friends over more often like during the day because we had kids in the neighborhood he told me one time he said there were times when in the middle of the podcast he would hear like two little girls giggling and laughing in the background and he's like yep that's there is nothing scripted about this podcast it is you get what you get yes same for this one all right so let's get into this should we spoil our spouses and so we phil and i were talking about this when we were on um at the beach this last week because we were talking about if I'm spoiled. You are.

Very spoiled. I am. I admit that you spoil me. Very spoiled. I do. I admit that you spoil me, and I am not ashamed that you spoil me. I am not ashamed that you spoil me. In fact, I find it, maybe spoiling your spouse should be a new love language.

No. Not falling for that. Well, so my whole thing is that I think the reason I phrased the topic, should we spoil our spouse, is because being spoiled has connotations to it. Usually in the context of like children being spoiled because when they become spoiled, they misbehave and they act crazy if they stop getting spoiled. And I think that can very negatively to that. So it begs the question of should we spoil our spouse? And I feel like, yes, we should spoil our spouses. But I do feel like it comes with caveats.

You know what I mean? Like we should spoil it. First of all, spoiling your spouse, it's got to be mutual. Because if it's always just one spouse spoiling the other and there's no return, then you get into a whole in-bounce relationship, which I've always been very critical of. Like both spouses have to put the same energy into the relationship or it doesn't work. Yeah. And so when we were at the beach, you said, I agreed that, yes, I'm spoiled. Piper is spoiled and not so much like Phil is going out and buying, you know, extravagant gifts and things like that. That kind of spoiled.

I'm spoiled in, oh, words left me. I'm spoiled in acts of service. You do, words left me. I'm spoiled in acts of service. You do a lot for me. For instance, you care for my car. So you take care of looking, when you're driving, you go through and you look at all the whatevers and, you know, oil changes and all that stuff. You do a lot of the chores around the house and outside of the house. So you mow the yard and all that stuff, which technically I could mow the yard because I really do enjoy mowing the yard, but you, that's a man's job is what

you've told me and that you, you do that, but you do a lot of acts of service for me and Piper. And it is a lot of spoiling. For instance, another for instance, sometimes we eat in front of the TV. Sometimes we eat at the table. But when I'm finished, I don't necessarily want to get up right this second to bring my dish to the sink. And when you get up to go to the kitchen or whatever, you'll take my dish and bring it to the sink. And people could see that as being spoiled. And that is, on my scale of spoiledness, that is, you know, a small act of service that you do that spoils me. You take my stuff to the sink and I don't have to get up. You let me sleep in. You, you know, you do all these things for me that, I mean, I don't know. I, I don't know I I don't think that I my demeanor changes I don't think I I look

for you to do those things like I don't put my dish down and think oh well Phil's gonna pick it up no but I'm nodding my head yes because I think that's where I was trying to go was that okay sorry if you're if you're if you're spoiling your spouse, but then if for some reason the spoiling stops, because there might just be a day where I'm tired. That happens occasionally. It could be a day when I'm sick or whatever. And when those things that I normally do don't get done, your immediate reaction is not outrage or entitlement. It is, okay, I just have to be an adult and take my own plate to the sink today. So I think that there's a dichotomy there where like, if you're spoiling your spouse, like I said, it has to be even energy on both sides, but there also has to be some reasonable expectation of like,

sometimes your spouse just isn't able to spoil you. Like I was thinking about this leading up to this topic, but like when we were, when we were younger and had fewer responsibilities and fewer monthly bills, we were able to go out to eat more often. We were able to go do stuff more often. Now keeping this thing stood up or over our heads costs money. So we've had to arrange our budget in such a way that like we spend more time cooking here at the house, less time going out to eat. The vacations, because of the things that we want to do sometimes, we don't get to have a vacation every month or every other month. We have more responsibilities where we can't just cut loose for a weekend and blaze out to the beach.

We can't do those things anymore. We're old now. That's your mouth. Old and responsible. But I guess my point is, you know, we've had to change some parts of our life to where the spoiling has to occur in different ways a lot of times. It is a lot of me running around taking care of stuff here around the house. So you and Piper have more leisure time. Yeah, and I think you could look at that. Somebody from the outside could look at that as you spoiling us because you do run around here, and we've talked about this on the show.

You run around here during the weekends just this chore, this chore, this chore. And I'm always like, just sit down. It's like your weekend too. So sit down and just kind of relax for a little bit. We'll get to the chores. Like, it's not like we live in filth. I think it, you know, there was a point in our time, in our marriage when we first moved in here that there were piles of chaos everywhere. And that was because our life was chaos. I was chaos, even though you say I'm still chaos. But it was a reflection of where we were in our lives. But now there's not any chaos. And one of the reasons is because you said that it drives you nuts to have piles here and piles

there. And, you know, the whole island was mail. Why was I holding on to mail? And so, you know, it was just chaos piles everywhere. And I didn't realize how much it bothered me to have that everywhere too. Same for our bedroom. Like we have my nana's old chest at the foot of our bed. Well, at some point that became a clothes rack became a junk pile yeah and so i try my best to keep that clear as much as i can

and i've been doing a really good job of that over the last few years but you run around here on the weekends getting things done and it's not because i won't get off my butt and do them I won't get off my butt and do them. Because I will get off my butt and do them. You like to stay busy, for one. I have to stay busy. You have to stay busy. And I don't think it bothers you that much to do those things.

No. Does it? Not really. But, I mean, my personality is also one of one of like chores have to get done before anything else. Like you and Piper, I don't understand how it works in y'all's brains, but there's differences in people. But like y'all are quite comfortable. Like I'm going to take a break. I'll get to the chores later.

And my brain does not function like that. I have to get chores done first. It's always chores first, leisure second. It was always like vegetables first, dessert at the end of the meal. And it's... You don't eat vegetables. No, but it's the saying is... I know what you're saying. I'm just joking with you. Being a pain in my butt. Well, you know. But, you know, like that maybe that's the way I was raised to a large degree, but like I have to get those things done in that order. And that's why a lot of times I am running around like on a Saturday morning or even when I have a Friday off and you

and Piper at school, I spend most of that Friday. Yeah, I'll take, I'll sit down and watch a show or whatever while I'm waiting on a load of laundry to get done. But y'all have to have noticed that by the time y'all get home Friday afternoon, I've gotten a ton of work done around the house. And that's because it clears up the rest of my weekend to work on stuff I want to work on, like, you know, projects or whatever, because I've always got something around here I could be spending my time working on. So do you consider that then spoiling me and Piper? To like run around and take care of as much of the housework as I have so there's less

for y'all to do to a degree. Yeah. Okay. Because, because the thing of it is, is that it's something that I'm doing to preclude y'all having to do it, knowing y'all don't really enjoy doing it. So you're not doing it just because it has to get done.

You're doing it so that we don't have to do it. Well, both. I mean, it has to get done you're doing it so that we don't have to do it well both i mean it has to get done it you know you and i've talked about this before like the laundry can only pile up so far and then we have a problem on our hands like we run out of stuff to wear so it has to get done but the thing that you were talking about earlier with like the junk piles all over the house and how you didn't realize how much it bothered you. My perspective on that, why it always aggravated me so badly was because I saw that it would just pile, pile, pile, pile. And it would stress you out more to have to deal with this huge pile of junk than it would have if you would have just like, this is junk mail into the trash can. And just like, it was a dichotomy in the way you

and I did things in that you would put off until it was a big mess. And that big mess drives me nuts. So I'd rather do like 30 seconds of effort every single day rather than an hour once a month. And I still do that. I just don't, I don't, um, you don't let it get out of control. Well, no, it's not even that there's, there's parts of my life where I procrastinate and put off the hard parts. I don't do the hard part first. I just put it off and put it off and put off because I don't want to do it necessarily. I don't want to face it for whatever reason. I'm just one of those people that will put off lesson planning or whatever until the last minute, because I don't want a lesson plan. I don't want to give

up my summer yet. I still have a week of summer left and stuff like that, even though I have my lesson plans done. But anyway, what I'm trying to say is I am one of those people that will put off the hard work until I absolutely have to do it. And when I say hard work, I mean like mentally hard work, like the things that cause me stress or anxiety. Like I will put those off because I don't want to face them. And the piles and things like that, like I said earlier, were – those were just physical aspects of my anxiety. Does that make sense? Okay.

So those were the physical – not aspects. What's a good word for that? Physical – Manifestation. Yes. Manifestations, I guess, of my anxiety. So having to – I would put that off as long as I had to to go through those piles because there wasn't anything scary in them. It wasn't like I was in debt or it was a pile of bill collectors or anything like that.

It was just junk. It was junk. And then I would find all these new pretty boxes or baskets to put the junk in. And I would just pour it into a new pretty basket. I'm like, oh, well, that's nice. That's nice right there. So we'll just put that right there. And instead of me going through it, I would just transfer it into a prettier box. Our marriage has been like, us being together has been almost 20 years of me trying to sledgehammer a square peg into a round hole. I don't know what to tell you.

It might be another 20 years. I love you dearly. I'm just saying. It is better. But I guess what I'm saying is like we are so fundamentally polar opposite in that regard. Because the idea that I would put something off because I don't want to do it. That annoys me. Like procrastination annoys me. You would have hated growing up in my house. I would have want to do it. That annoys me. Like procrastination annoys me.

You would have hated growing up in my house. I would have had a mental breakdown. Minus all the things I've discussed on the podcast about how I grew up in this house. I would have run away at 16 and joined the circus. I would have. We could not eat at the dining room table, which was bigger than this. The dining room table at the house I grew up in could fit six, seven, eight people. We had five in our house.

So we had, and my nana was across the street, so technically we had six people. But it could fit eight people. Six, three, three, and two. Huge, huge table. And? And it was piled up with everyone's laundry not folded weeks worth why because it just it was it was one of those anxiety piles i think for my mom for my parents but we also had this is y'all i'm telling you the the craz. We are totally off topic, but we're going to go with this.

We also had people that would come into the house, like house cleaners. And I had a nanny kind of thing. And they would do the laundry. They would do some household chores kind of thing. And I swear that the majority of their time was doing the laundry. And it was just the weirdest thing. And they would leave. They would come a couple times in the week, and they would leave.

And then over the weekend, how did we go through so much laundry? I don't know. And if Phoebe's watching, she can attest to this. I mean, piles of laundry. And you went through the piles of laundry on the kitchen table, on the dining room table, to find what you needed to wear for the day. Anyway. I would have. Off topic.

The fight we would have had if this dining room table would start piling up with just unfolded laundry would have been epic. The neighbors would have heard it. I had a friend one time who described her house as the the house that depression built uh you've said that to me before yeah and and it was dirty floors dirty dirty everything i mean it was just a the there was dog poop everywhere old dog pee on the floors and in the couches and piles and piles and piles. I'm going to text Piper and tell her to open the door. Y'all are just going to have to like.

I don't know if y'all can hear the cat. She is just mad. Hang on a second. I got to text Piper. Right now she's mostly mad because her sister has kicked her out of her room. And Piper probably has headphones in so she can't hear that. Yeah. I just texted her.

Anyway, back to the topic. I think just texted but anyway back to the topic i think we need to get back to the topic so spoiling your spouse versus babying your spouse so here's how we tie everything you just went down towards this i would say the the there's a thin line between spoiling and babying your spouse and honestly i don't think it comes from the perspective of who's doing the acts of service. I think it comes from the perspective of the other party. If you're spoiling your spouse, it's because you are doing whatever. Whether it's acts of service or whether it's gifts or whatever it is, whatever love language

you're attempting to spoil with, you are doing it maybe over abundantly. That's the spoiling? Yeah, that's the spoiling. Now, where it crosses over in a babying is how it's received. Because if it is received and appreciated and not expected, then I see it as spoiling. But if all of that effort is received as, am entitled to this and if the spoiling has to stop temporarily for some reason, the other party immediately starts acting like a spoiled brat. Now it's not spoiling. Now it's not, you know, now it's not trying to overfill someone's bucket of love if we go back to the five love languages now i consider it

babying because you are treating that person as a baby and they're behaving like a baby yeah so that's kind of where like as i've done in it several to several different topics like i don't feel like this is all on the side of the the giver i think it's the reception that really dictates what this behavior is. Because if I, let's use laundry as an example. I do the majority of the laundry in the house. I do the majority of the dishes in the house too. If I had just finished, and we deal with this from her every once in a while. But if I had just finished doing all the dishes after dinner,

that kitchen was clean, the kitchen is closed. And then the next morning I find plates in that sink because somebody didn't do her dishes after I closed the kitchen. Yeah. I'm going to get pissed about that because now it's not, I took care of all this. So you could have, you could sit down on the couch with your mom and watch the nanny and hang out it's well dad can deal with that it's a it totally changes that whole act that whole relationship from one of i'm trying to take something off your plate so you can have more leisure and you can not worry about it into i feel taken advantage of because you're expecting this to continue in perpetuity. Yeah. I think, yeah, how I think you hit the nail on the head about one spouse doing something for the other

and then the way that it is received. And reciprocated. Yes. And reciprocated. Yes, and reciprocated. But I think what I'm trying to, I'm thinking of. Stuart said we need to start over. I knew it. Stuart, I told you earlier, you'll have to go back and listen to the audio. We talked about you, and I said, well, we're going to have to start over.

and I say, well, we're going to have to start over. What I'm trying to think of is, you know, someone doing an act of service for their spouse, which could be, you know, could be a spoiling moment or whatever. They're taking care of their spouse, doing something for their spouse. But it's the reaction that is given by that spouse that is getting, getting that action given to them. So whether it's laundry or whatever, um, that is where you can definitely see if this spouse is being spoiled or this spouse is a baby.

And you said it, it's, it's the reaction to the act of service that's being done because i've seen grown men and women act like children when an act of service is being done for them or it's when the the thing was not did not live up to their expectations how many times have you been on social media and seen someone flip their lid because their spouse bought them something but it wasn, it wasn't the color they wanted or it wasn't exactly the model they wanted. And instead of my spouse did this thing for me and their heart was in the right place, it is, it wasn't exactly what I wanted. I'm mad about it, which by the way, that makes the spouse that did

the thing, never want to do the thing again because it's like i put this effort into it and it didn't live to their expectations so i'd rather just not live up to their expectations and save the damn money next time right just pro tip pro tip for people out there if you get a gift please find it dig like dig deep and be thankful for it i mean and just you can keep your mouth shut you know you can just thank them for their act of service and then move on or whatever, reciprocate, do something for them or whatever. But watching grown men and women have something done for them. And then complain about it. And then complain loudly, obnoxiously.

done for them. And then complain about it. And then complain loudly, obnoxiously. Like a child, I mean, I've been in situations where I've had to walk away. Like I can't be around people like that. I get too mad. I get too upset because it's like, dude, this person or, you know, this person or, you know, they're doing something because it's obviously out of love, that they feel like you deserve it or something like that. You know, it's coming from a place of love. But you are acting like such an asshole because you didn't have it done the way you wanted to or your expectation wasn't met exactly how you you thought it should be or whatever i don't know i think i will never complain because you folded a shirt wrong i will never complain because you don't do you know you didn't put the cup in the right place in the in the dishwasher because you okay because you were doing those things that I don't like to do. So you go for it.

We fold how you want to fold and we put dishes in the dishwasher how you want to do it. Can we have a moment of honesty? You and I don't fold shirts the same way. Have you ever noticed that? Or towels? I haven't noticed. Because I don't care. Because it's folded and put away.

But have you ever, okay, you've never caught me refolding my shirts. Do you really? Yes. Okay, now. Why? Honesty time. Honesty time with the listeners. I have an extraordinary case of obsessive compulsive disorder about a lot of things.

Like things have to be exactly the way they're supposed to be or I cannot. If I have a shirt folded the way she folds them sitting in my drawer, I will stay up at night staring at the drawer. It makes no sense. And I know it makes no sense. And that is the definition of OCD

is that it's an irrational compulsion. And I get all that. But for my own sanity, I have to fold the shirt the way I want it that. But for my own sanity, I have to fold the shirt the way I want to fold it. But I never tell her, hey, you fold them. Well, you've told me now. But my point is I don't complain about it because- Sounds like a complaint to me. It's not. It was more for the listeners. But the point is, is that- Well, now I need to know how to fold your shirts. Don't worry about it. I'll refold them. But the point is that I'm never going to complain.

If you do a chore that I normally do, you're not going to hear a word out of my mouth about, oh, it didn't get done the right way or it didn't get done the way I want it done. Because what you've done is you've taken something off of my plate that I usually do, which has freed me up to go take care of something else and get my to-do list done faster so that I can sit on the couch with you and Piper or I can go work on a project. And I recognize that as like the purest form of wanting to help your spouse. So under no circumstances am I going to complain because the towels weren't folded the way I wanted them folded. I've literally told people this before. Like, if your spouse is doing something for you, say thank you and shut up. If it doesn't get done exactly the way you want it done, just shut up about it. Like, it's getting done. But I will also say that, like, there are reasons why there are certain things that I have asked you before.

Like, just please let me take care of it. And it's never like me, man, you, woman. It is totally, I have OCD. I have to have that done the way I want it done or it will drive me nuts. I'm never going to ask you to do it the way I want it done. But for my own lack of losing my marbles, I have to do it the way I want it done. 20 years and you've never told me i should fold your shirts wrong it's not but the thing is it's not the towels i don't i fold the

towels just like you fold them the next time you fold them i'll prove it to you i do like that i do like that you said just say thank you yes absolutely just say thank you and do it. Yes, absolutely just say thank you. Because, again, to me, like, I recognize the effort being expended and I appreciate the effort. And I'm not going to react to someone trying to do me a favor negatively. It makes no sense to me, you know. It's like it just – I can't wrap my head around the idea that, like, I would be upset that my wife is trying to help me do something. Yeah. I think – We do have comments. Yeah. And there's that, that last one that Kyle made. Um, he said, I think it's a, I think it's, we always do that to me. I know. I can't read that one. I think it's good to spoil your spouse, but sometimes life comes

in hard and fast and survival together is the best you can do. but sometimes life comes in hard and fast and survival together is the best you can do. 100%. Absolutely 100%. Yes, absolutely 100% because life happens. And I think I'm fortunate because laundry and dishes are a part of life, and so they have to be done. And Phil doing those for me are like, love it. Thank you for doing those two things.

I hate it. I do not mind sweeping and mopping the floors. The other day, I was pulling clothes out of the dryer and she said, hey, I'll trade you if you'll do the dishwasher. If you unload the dishwasher, I'll do the laundry. No earthly idea why that was the lesser of two evils, but whatever. Yeah. Well, but whatever. Yeah. Well, it is. Anyway, yes, life comes at you.

Phil and I do not, I mean, besides our regular everyday things that have to be taken care of around the house, we're not spoiling each other every day. You know, it's not like he comes home with flowers. He doesn't come home with flowers anyway. It's not like he comes home with flowers. He doesn't come home with flowers anyway. It's not like he comes home with flowers every day and turns down the bed or runs my bath or anything like that. None of those things happen. It's not an everyday spoiling thing.

But I think, Kyle, to what you're saying is the big things can't be done every day but little things can be done little things like picking up my plate and bringing it to the sink you know I think it I think what people have to do is not so much lower their expectations of what spoiledness means but looking at the little things, the little things matter. It was one of the things I said when we first started this podcast, the little things matter. The picking up my plate and bringing it to the dishes or, I don't know, turning on my lamp next to the bed so I don't have to walk into the room dark. You know, those little bitty things matter. And I think it's up to us as a spouse to recognize my husband or my wife did this little act of service for me.

And I have to appreciate that. And to recognize the things that can't be seen sometimes. Because, like, you know, one of the things I do for this family is, like, I deal with a majority of like the financial planning, the retirement planning, you know, like that's admittedly, it's my wheelhouse, but like, that's something that I don't think you or you certainly not Piper, but I don't think you have to give much thought to it. I mean, every now and then you'll ask me and I'll happily tell you like, this is where we're at. This is where we're going. These are the plans, but I take care of those things. Yeah. Because. And so Stuart, you you came in, you said because, so finish that. Well, I was just going to say that, like, I take care of those things.

And it's something that I am thinking about weekly. But it's not something you have to ever, it's not something that ever shows, not this early in our life. But it's something that, like, you know is in our life, but it's something that you know is getting done, you know is being taken care of. It's not something you have to worry about or obsess about unless you just want to know where we're at, like a progress check-in. But it's one of those things that I take care of regularly, steadfastly, day in, day out, without complaining or mentioning it. It just gets done. day in, day out without complaining or mentioning it, it just gets done. It's like something I used to hear a lot when I was going to school for business management.

The most valuable employee is the one that you'll never realize what they're doing until they stop. Because things just get done and you never ask yourself, how's that getting done? And then the employee that was getting those things done finds their job and leaves. And all of a sudden everything stops getting done. You're like, oh, now I see what he was running around doing with all of his free time, taking care of things. Yeah. Stuart, so before you got on, I wanted to put this disclaimer out there that spoiling versus babying is not the same as caretaking. And I know that for a large part of your life, you are a caretaker in a lot of sense for your wife. So that disclaimer was put out there. And I was actually thinking of you. I was thinking of my dad and things like that when we first wanted, when we thought about doing this episode that caretaking is not spoiling or babying. Caretaking is like having to do the things that your spouse

can't do for them. So I, and also I think it's great that, let me read what your comment said, because let me read your comment, because if I don't read your comment, you'll tell me that I didn't read your comment. He said, my wife's family gives her a hard time because I do things for her at family gatherings. If she's talking with people, I'll go fix her drink or get her food. I enjoy doing that for her. Her siblings and spouses don't do anything for their spouses, is what I'm guessing you're saying. But I think that's great because Phil will do that and I'll do that for Phil. Like if I'm at the punch bowl, whatever, not really, but you know, if I'm going to get myself a drink, I'll ask him, hey, do you want anything? I'll get you something. Or I know what he wants and so I'll bring him a drink if he doesn't have one.

I don't think it's a bad thing. I think, again, those are acts of service that you do for your spouse that just show that you love them. And again, the fine line is where once you do that act of service, how does that spouse react? Are they griping because I didn't bring you a Tula Mordu and Sprite didn't bring you a Tulum or do and Sprite? I brought you a Tulum or do and Coke. How dare you? I know. Or are they appreciative because, wow, you actually thought of me while you got up for a second and you did something for me or whatever. You put the toilet seat down. Active service right there. Love it. I didn't fall in the toilet this morning. You know, it's things like that.

And so I think you doing those sorts of things is not spoiling. Well, according to Phil, it is spoiling. But see, this was the other thing. When we originally started talking about this, you and I had different definitions for what spoiling was. Okay, you go on that. I'll be right back. Okay. Sorry, I've never done this. No, that's okay.

But so when Gilly and I originally started talking about this, as has happened on more than one occasion, she attributed a connotation towards the word spoiling that is what I would call babying somebody, which is like, I'm doing for this person something they're perfectly capable of doing. And it's not done as an attempt to show affection or love or care or whatever it is. You know, that person expects it and very often complains and gripes while they're receiving it. And Gillian referred to that as spoiling. And I don't call that spoiling because I don't automatically attribute spoiling as a negative thing. Like I spoil my wife and daughter and I spoil them because I enjoy doing for them. I enjoy providing for them to the best of my ability. We just came back from a vacation and I call that spoiling. Like there was no requirement that I

take them out for a summer vacation, but it was something that I wanted to do that they wanted to do. And I wanted them to enjoy that time out on the beach, you know, having fun. So to me, spoiling doesn't automatically have a negative connotation, but how it's received can turn what should have been a very, like a very pure and a very heartfelt act of service or gift into something that's suddenly been perverted. That makes sense. Yes. Yes.

Stuart, the very definition of spoil is bad, but then what to the, to the people that But then to the five people that are listening live, what would you call that? If you're going above and beyond the call to give a gift or to do a thing, and it's something that you're doing to try to show love and affection to that spouse. What would y'all call that? Love. I mean, that's fair, but you can love a person and not go above and beyond the call for them. I guess that's my point. and then to what do we say when we're at those points of our life where like,

like Kyle was saying earlier, where like survival is the best you can manage. Cause Gillian and I went through a period in our life, you know, for a couple of years, right after Piper was born, we're like, life was hard. We were, we were treading water in this relationship. We were struggling to get to, we were struggling partly because like I was job hunting. I'd gotten laid off. She was dealing with the depression and anxiety and postpartum.

And like, you know, we were in a situation, her emotionally and us financially, where going above and beyond the call in many ways was just not possible. going above and beyond the call in many ways was just not possible. I will say that during those periods of time, I took on a phenomenal amount of the household chores and taking care of Piper. Like I did everything humanly possible to take the load off of Gillian because what she was dealing with. So maybe Stuart was right as much as it annoys me to have to admit that. So maybe Stuart was right, as much as it annoys me to have to admit that. So I guess if you love a person, you will do everything within your power. With the understanding that sometimes what's within your power is just not what you wish you could do. So, anyway. So I guess we answered the question of the show should we spoil our spouse

no we just don't always call spoiling the same thing like to me i don't know i've heard it said that you spoil your spouse but never with a negative connotation but then again when you do the same thing to children it is it does have a negative connotation. But then again, when you do the same thing to children, it does have a negative connotation. I am wide open if anybody wants to explain that little nugget to me, but there just might not be an explanation for that. Here comes Gillian. Sorry.

It's okay. I had to go off on a rant. Did you hold the phone down? I rambled. Okay, I'm back. Sorry. You did I'm back. Sorry. So, Stuart... You did good, kid. You weren't even watching. I could hear you. So, what Stuart was saying was that

the very definition of spoil is bad. And I asked, what would y'all call going above and beyond the call for your spouse? And he said love. Aww. Which led me down the road of like talking about when you were fighting with postpartum and you know right after piper was bored i was job hunting after having been laid off for several months so like we were in a financial

position where like we had to tighten our belt cut every single corner that could be cut because we had to. That was what we had to do. I don't know. I mean, it was a rough time, and there were no Friday night dates in the budget. There was barely Christmas in the budget for Piper's first Christmas. So, you know, I did what I could, but what I could wasn't much, at least from my definition of spoiling. Yeah, but you still did, well, for your definition of spoiling. But, again, I think going back to what we've said a hundred times on this episode,

it's how your spouse or your loved one or whoever you're doing the spoiling, quote unquote, or showing your act of love to how that is received. And then I can't ever think of this word, how it's received and then their reaction to it. I think because you said, you said last week, I'm spoiled, but you said that you don't think that you're spoiled. I'm spoiled. But you said that you don't think that you're spoiled. Why? Well, because, I don't know. I want to know why.

Why don't you think that? Well, and a lot of this I feel like is just down to personalities. Like, me personally, I'm always just going, going, going, going, going. So I don't know like how you would... I just had three conversations in my head and then I thought of it. You've been doing that a lot lately. I know. Pulling Gillians. But what I was thinking was,

you remember how we were just talking about the load of laundry you took off my hands the other day? When you do little things like that for me, I do feel spoiled. Oh, okay, good. I was wondering because when we were having this conversation at the beach, I mean, do I always do that? No. Do I get up and run to the laundry room because you're getting up to run to the laundry room to go do the clothes? No, I don't do that.

But when you said that you didn't feel like you were spoiled in the context of what we were talking about, I don't know. My feelings didn't get hurt, but I just kept going, well, why doesn't he feel like the acts of service that I do for him spoil him? I mean, he thinks that the acts of service that he does for me is spoiling me. But I do the same. I do the same things. I reciprocate that, quote, unquote, spoiledness. But he doesn't perceive it as being spoiled. But he also thinks that you should spoil

your spouse so i was i was at a crossroads where i was like well how do i spoil him then if he doesn't think that i spoil him already and he thinks he should be spoiled then how should i do that well but like i was saying i do think a lot of it comes down to the fact that like i'm just constantly focused on like what's the next thing to do? So it took me a minute to think back to like, Oh yeah, every now and then she does jump up and help with those things. And that takes something off my plate.

And it, it just, it does dramatically accelerate how fast I can get to the end of my to do list. Well, I'm just saying, two of us work, two of us working on the household chores always gets things done a hell of a lot faster

but if I jump up and do those things then how will you spoil me if I jump up and do those things how will you be spoiling me you'll have to think of something new if I get up and do the dishes and the laundry and make sure that everything's done

so is this the if I stay in my pajamas and scroll on my phone and watch The Nanny, then I'm able to spoil you? Wait, say that again? So if you don't do all those things, I can spoil you. But if you pitched in with those things, then I have to find new ways to spoil you. I'm just saying, yes, in what ways will you spoil me then? You'll have to think of new ways to spoil me, quote unquote spoil me.

If I get up and do all of the household chores by myself, then what? You're such a giver. What then will you have to spoil me with? Oh, I have no earthly idea. You might have to turn to different like i think i don't know let's test the theory let's test it we'll figure out i'm gonna do all of the chores i'm gonna do all the chores and then you'll have to figure out did you just die a little yeah i did i died a little bit. I just kind of shivered.

I'll do all the chores. Got chill bumps, actually. And see what then you will use to spoil me. If spouses should be spoiled, but I'm taking away all those things that you use to spoil me, I'll make sure. Uh-oh, I'm getting texts. Okay. Stuart, I can only massage one of her feet because she can't feel the other one.

I can. I can feel it. It's just painful when you massage my feet. Anybody. And like when I go get a pedicure, I tell them to skip that foot. But anyway, we don't need to get on that. Anyway, we'll see. Okay.

I don't want to do this. Do what? I don't want to do the laundry and I don't want to take over all the household chores. I know you don't. I'm just going to feed you the rope, though. You're going to tie it around your neck in a big old bow and everything for me. Whatever. Okay.

So per you and Stuart, apparently we don't refer to all these acts of service as... Don't read that last one out loud, please. Okay. Per... I'm turning really red. Really red, Stuart. Bright red. All right.

Anyway. So per you and Stuart, what I've referred to as spoiling is not spoiling. It's just acts of service. It's showing love. And what I would refer to as babying someone is more akin to what you refer to as spoiling. yeah so like for instance i i put it in my notes because i've seen this um i've seen this before where mama is spoiling son and spoils son even until he's an adult maybe he's already married he's still being spoiled by mama good job mom, Mom. And then, you know, he gets married, hands him off to the wife, and it is expected of the wife to continue the spoiling of this man-child. Because that's what he is.

He is a man-child. Or whatever. Works the other direction, too, when you raise a princess. I'm not suggesting that it doesn't work the other way because I totally agree. And I am against that as well, that, you know, daddy or whoever is raising this princess girl, this man-woman, not man-woman, woman-child. And then she gets married and has those same expectations thrown onto the husband to do those things. It works both ways. I don't even remember where I was going with this because you interrupted me.

But anyway. My bad. That, to me, is spoiling. That whole act of service is done, and now the person that the act of service was done for, act of love was done for, is throwing a fit because it wasn't done the right way. It's like handing a child a strawberry lollipop when they really wanted the cherry. And so they're going to pitch a fit on the floor because that's not what they wanted. And in my head, when I see a child act like that, it's not proper behavior.

I understand it. I get it. We're teaching our kids how to work with their emotions and learn what those emotions are and how to properly react to those emotions. But as a man or a grown woman, acting like that is just disgusting to me. Women acting like that is just disgusting to me. It is so disgusting to see an adult act like a child when something is being done for them or out of an act of service or love. And it could be a total stranger. I have, I've seen things where, um, a man opens the door for a woman walking into a store and the woman gets so bent out of shape because a man did that. I can do that. I can hold my own door. I can get my own door. And it's like, dude, just say thank you and walk.

Like just, do you even just say thank you and walk? I don't know. You're going to get me on my soapbox. Now, can I drive another line of demarcation between what you just laid out and something else? Of course. That's what the podcast is for. So if we're spoiling our children to the degree that they grow up expecting that level of behavior, there's another side to that, which I've told you in the past. expecting that level of behavior. There's another side to that, which I've told you in the past, like, you know, my, my viewpoint on raising children is like the only way Piper is ever going to know what to call, what conduct to expect from a boyfriend, maybe a future husband is if I demonstrate that to you and she'll grow up saying, that's how dad treated mom. That's how

men should treat me. And that's why it's always been super important that to me that like piper sees the two of us be affectionate towards each other piper sees what a healthy man-woman relationship is supposed to look like yeah and she that bar i would hope is going to be set fairly high so that if any um idiot little teenage boys try to act improperly with her, she's going to be like, no, that is not the way my dad treats my mom. You're not going to treat me that way. That is not acceptable. So what I would say is that there is a case to be made for little boys and little girls to be taught.

This is how a potential spouse should treat you. Yeah. But like you said, that cannot progress into spoiling because now not only have you set up that your child's potential future spouse for a hell of a hard life to try to live up to an unfair expectation you helped that child set. But you've also set that child up to probably be alone for the rest of their life. Because most people are going to say, you're spoiled and swipe left, swipe right. I was never on Tinder, so it's whatever the swipe that means, go away, never come back means. I think, too, because I was thinking while you were talking.

She glazed over. Well, sort of. But I keep going back to some things that I've seen recently. When the person, when one spouse expects it, I don't think we've said that on this. Have we? Mm-hmm. Oh, okay. But keep going.

So I have someone in mind. And I believe that this person expects their spouse to do for them, to do a whole plethora of things for them. And it kind of goes back to Stuart's comment about getting your wife's drinks and food and things like that, because you enjoy doing those things. But I guess my question for you then, Stuart, and if you're still listening and can chime in, does your wife expect you to do those things? I have someone in mind that I totally 100% believe that they expect their spouse to do those acts of service. And when they don't do those acts of service, it's almost like they sit there and pout.

I'm not going to eat because my spouse didn't get me my food. I'm not going to get my drink because my spouse didn't get me my food. I'm not going to get my drink because my spouse didn't get my drink. I'm not going to put my medicine on because my, or take my medicine, sorry, because my spouse didn't bring me my medicine. So I'm going to back up what Stuart just said by saying, because he said, no, she does not. And I'm going to say that I was on the phone with Stuart one evening while he was helping me work out an electronics project.

And I literally overheard him, like apparently his wife had come into the kitchen and was trying to make her own dinner. And he was like, go sit down. I'll take care of that for you. So like, very obviously, she was willing to get up and like, take care of herself. And very obviously, he was like, I really don't mind taking care of it for you. Yeah. I know. Stuart, I think you are one of the most selfless people that I've ever known in my life. I've argued in past that being a husband should be selfless. Well, and I kind of knew what the answer was going to be because, I mean, I've never met your wife, Stuart, but she seems like a pretty awesome woman. If she keeps him in line.

I mean, right? She's married to Stuart. She has to be a saint. Love you, Stuart. I'm in that sainthood category with your wife. We're just waiting on the church to get their act together. Sister Mary Gillian over here has a reserve room in heaven with a beachfront view. Well, yes, yes.

Kyle did say up in the very top that Gillian can teach children, heal the sick, and she's the tribe mom. I mean, I think that's sainthood right there. Anyway, I think we've kind of gotten off topic. We do that. Wow, we do. Anyway, I don't know. I think we've kind of hit the point home of spoiling versus babying versus caretaking kind of thing. Yeah.

I mean, I look at it as what turns any one of those, and no matter what noun you want to hang on the act, I think what turns any one of those acts from a positive thing to a negative thing is when it is no longer appreciated and it becomes expected. And as long as the spouse receiving the act of service or the gift or the whatever appreciates it and understands that this isn't going to happen every single time, I feel like as long as those things are in play, then we're not talking about anything negative. We're talking about a genuine attempt to show affection and care for someone.

And when the receiving partner misbehaves or takes it for granted, then we start to have problems. Yeah. Good show, old boy. Good show, old chap. Anyway, don't forget that new merch is coming. So, and I think what we'll probably do is introduce it to the patrons first. So if you're a patron, look for that on our signal chat that has been very lively lately. And then we'll put the graphics up next week for next week's show to kind of show the viewers who watch what the new graphics look like and stuff like that.

So Raising Values has new merch coming, and so does Matter of Facts. And it's in the show notes where you can go to purchase those. They're not up yet. We're still waiting on the mock-ups to come in so that we can kind of get a feel for what the new merch is going to look like on a shirt. But anyway, so that's coming. And of course, Prepper Camp. And I guess I also have to say that school starts for me next week. This week coming up, I have to go back to my classroom.

So hopefully on Sundays in the next month, for the next month, I'll have a brain and will be willing to talk to everyone. Hopefully, she'll be willing to talk to me, first of all. Yeah. That's right. Yes. Talk to anyone. Humans and anything.

Anyway. All right. Well, have a great rest of your day, a great rest of your weekend, and we will see you next week. Take care, guys. All right. Well, have a great rest of your day, a great rest of your weekend, and we will see you next week. Take care, guys. All right. Bye. Thank you.