The Prepper Broadcasting Network - Raising Values: The Five Love Languages

Episode Date: May 12, 2024

https://www.facebook.com/RaisingValuesPodcast/www.pbnfamily.comhttps://www.instagram.com/raisingvaluespodcast/http://www.mofpodcast.com/www.prepperbroadcasting.comhttps://rumble.com/user/Mofpodcastwww.youtube.com/user/philrabSupport the showMerch at: https://southerngalscrafts.myshopify.com/Shop at Amazon: http://amzn.to/2ora9riPatreon: https://www.patreon.com/mofpodcastWhen Gillian and Phil were dating, as with many couples, some rough times were had. A little book called “The Five Love Lanaguages” was recommended to the couple, and it helped them to put into words the disconnect they were feeling in expressing their affection for each other. Almost twenty years later, some of those love languages have changed, but the principles haven't changed a bit.Raising Values Podcast is live-streaming our podcast on our YouTube channel, Facebook page, and Rumble. See the links above, join in the live chat, and see the faces behind the voices.family, traditional, values, christian, marriage, dating, relationship, children, growing up, peace, wisdom, self improvement, masculinity, feminity, masculine, feminine

Welcome to the Raising Values Podcast, where the traditional family talks. You can find us on iTunes, Stitcher, and Spotify, and be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. You can support the Raising Values Podcast through Patreon. Phil and Gillian are behind the mic, and we hope you enjoy the show. Welcome back to the Raising Values Podcast. Good morning. Y'all might hear our neighbor, some kind of a bird, serenading us quite enthusiastically from the other side of that window. I'm not sure what it is, but it's very excited this morning. Sounds like a cardinal.

I don't know. But she's literally right there. So anyway, good morning. Sorry about last week. Sorry, not sorry. I don't know. I'm not sorry. I know, but I didn't put any sort of anything out that we weren't going to be recording last week.

But it was for a good reason. We had a baby shower to attend. We did. Well, y'all didn't attend it. Well, the guys didn't, but I did. Me and Piper. Well, I assumed I was going to until I found out otherwise. So sweet.

We have a new baby coming to the family. So little Dante will be born, I think, in the next three weeks. Yeah. It ain't going to be long. Maybe two at this point. I don't know. Anyway. So, but today, so a couple of weeks ago, we were, I don't remember what show we were doing,

but we ended up getting two show topics from that show, talking to the guests that were, you know, commenting and stuff like that. But, um, so today's show is the five love languages. And this really kind of resonates with me and Phil because when we were dating, so Phil had just come home from Iraq and, um, we were doing couples therapy, like couples counseling. And then we were, couples therapy like couples counseling and then we were he was doing um his own counseling after coming home from iraq i think it was post katrina was it post katrina that's what my question was yeah so bearing in mind that 2004, and we came home from Iraq in February of 2005. And then Katrina hit at the end of August in 2005, and I was back on orders again until December 31st.

So I had kind of a wild two years. Yeah, but there was something that happened and i thought that we were still you were back and forth to my apartment the two-story apartment and that's when you started no so bearing it well bearing in mind that when katrina happened i was actually still in i was still in the pro i was so enrolled in university new orleans and i was actually going to go back to UNO and I was still at that time I was thinking about going for an engineering degree so I enrolled in classes and literally like the first week class we're supposed to start Katrina hit so then I had to disenroll and drop because I was on active duty orders I I guess what I was. I didn't start counseling until I transferred to SLU. Yes. And that was in 2006. Okay. Okay. But, um, so you started that, you started your own

counseling for that. And then we started couples counseling kind of after you started. It might have been a couple. Individual. Yeah. It might've been a couple months after I started individual counseling. And that was at the recommendation recommendation of of my counselor was that the two of us go into couples counseling together because like some of the things i was bringing up in my individual counseling really were i don't want to say there were a couple issues but they were they were things i was trying to work through with you that were in some ways separate from what I was going to individual counseling for. And that was why her recommendation was like, you two need to be in counseling together to work through these things. And I can't do that because I'm already counseling

you as an individual. Yeah. And that's when. So the ugly truth of it is, um, Philil when he came home he was having night terrors and there was one morning i woke up to um i slugged you yeah i woke up to like severe pain in my back and i was just kind of in shock and i couldn't catch my breath and And, um, it was Phil had punched me in my, in his sleep. He punched me in his sleep. Luckily it was in the back. So, um, but that was like a huge wake up call for him and for me of what we were dealing with, um, after spending a year in Iraq. And, but that was, that was when we were dealing with after spending a year in Iraq. But that was when we were still, I was still living in that two-story apartment with my cousin because I remember that happening up there. Well, you didn't move to the townhouse until I'd started college, I think.

Yeah. But you had already started seeing your counselor. Then we got engaged a year and a day after you can we January of 2006 we got engaged 11 months after you came home yeah yeah because you came home on February 4th I will always remember that date yeah but like I said like you said you know, I had obviously, I don't know, I don't remember the nightmares I was having. To this day and even back then, I never remembered them. All I knew was that I wasn't sleeping much. I was getting about two to three hours a night of sleep.

And according to my psychologist at the time, that causes psychosis eventually, which I didn't know how to. I didn't know how to. Well, but I remember quipping to her, like, that's funny because I've been sleeping like this for about two years now. And she was flabbergasted. Like, she wanted to put me on prescription sleep aids because she was like, you can't keep doing this. Like, it'll kill you. And I was like, but I've been here for two years. So like, uh, it was, I don't know. It'll kill you or you'll kill your wife.

Well, but, but, uh, to Christine's point, you know, she was trying to help me unwind a number of what I would call like psychological behaviors and coping mechanisms that I learned in combat, which I feel like most combat vets have to take on that it keeps us alive. But then when you come back to the real world, those behaviors that hypervigilance, the anxiety, which kind of is us being spring loaded to the action position, like those things aren't, they're not helpful anymore.

It just, it takes our brains a while to unlearn those things aren't, they're not helpful anymore. It just, it takes, it takes our brains a while to unlearn those things. But one of the, apparently one of the problems I was having was night terrors. And I obviously didn't know I was having them. And when you brought it to my attention, I've told you before, like when you told me the next morning what happened, I almost left you. I was, I was, I was terrified I was going to hurt you. And I was like, I'd rather not have her than her. But you talked me off that ledge and I went to counseling, I think that week or the next week, like it was immediate. It was, it was no conditions, no hesitation. I'm going to do

whatever I have to do to straighten this out. Yeah. That was scary. It was, it was the one and only time you've ever hit me and it was not out of anger or anything else. So, um, but I can tell you that you have a mean right hook. Unfortunately, I already knew that before you found out. But all that said to say, then we went into couples counseling together because at that point we were either very serious about being engaged. I can't remember the timeline. Or we had just gotten engaged. And so we really wanted to. We were engaged.

So we really wanted to make sure that we had a firm foundation before we tied the knot. And we were engaged for two years. So, and it wasn't two years because we had a firm foundation before we tied the knot. And we were engaged for two years. And it wasn't two years because we had a lot to work on. It was two years because we had goals that we needed to reach first. I needed to graduate college, and we needed to get Phil closer to graduating college. We needed to figure out some things. So anyway, dated for a year, engaged for two, and we finally got married. But while we were in counseling, the book, The Five Love Languages, was released.

And that was our homework. And so we clung to that book because we figured, I mean, I think at the time you were trying to figure out who you were post-war, and I was trying to figure out who I was because I've constantly, forever in my life, tried to figure out who I was, and it only took until I was 39 to finally figure it out. Although it is worth pointing out that when you were 18, you had a near fatal car accident, which I feel like what happened before the two of us met each other was that we both had near fatal events where we had to come to terms with our own mortality at a pretty young age. And we both had experiences that radically altered the trajectory of where our lives were

going. And so when the two of us met, we were both trying to figure out what happened. Like you were trying, you were looking at the world in a very different light than you did previously, where I would like, I am imagining not having known you prior to that, but just the stories I've heard, you probably didn't take life near as seriously. You were a lot less focused. You were much more just kind of go with the flow, party, have fun. And at least the person I met, compared to me, you have always and will always be a very much a type B personality, much more go with the flow. But that's just a difference in personality. But when I met you, I met a woman who was not 21-year-old mature. Compared to the rest of our peers, you were a little further down the road than that.

You think so? Compared to most of the other girls we went to college with? Well, I got a lot out of my system before you came home. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I always look back at that time in my life and think how pretty reckless I was. Your fatal car accident. a reckless decision, but it wasn't because I was drinking and driving or high and driving or anything like that. It really was a really stupid mistake of driving too fast on a dirt road or a freshly graveled road or whatever, which I don't know. But what I'm saying is I don't,

so I lost, I feel like I lost a year of my life then because I was unconscious for a couple of weeks and then I couldn't do anything for myself for eight months. And then all of a sudden the doctor says, okay, you can walk. You need to learn how to walk again. And then, and I'm not going to go deep into this, but it was almost like the minute I, my dad went and went with me to buy new shoes so I could learn how to walk again. I don't know. It's like something clicked and it's like I have to do all the things because I'm going to die again. I have to do all of it. And so I went back to college.

I did make better choices. People were removed from my life and things, you know, did start to go in a different direction. And I do believe that fate had a lot to do with that. I was supposed to be in Hammond, even though I did not want, okay. When I was a freshman before the rec, I didn't want to be there. I wanted to go home. I was driving home every other weekend, which is a five-hour drive. But I was supposed to go back because then we ended up moving into the two-story apartment.

And your friend moved in next door. And fate and love and yada, yada. And then we go to 20 years of yada yada um and then we go to counseling and we get into this book which is what i'm trying to get back to is getting into this book and so we were given um the five love languages as a homework assignment and so we had to read a chapter each week before we went back and all that stuff. I was totally into it. I was like, I read through the book because the book is not that, it's not that much, but I read through the book. I took my notes. I took the test and, you know, I wanted to find out what my love language was and you just kind of mosey on through it. And I

was like, he's not, he's not into this. He doesn't have. Contrary to what she believed at the time, I can speed read and I had already digested the entire book. And I didn't really have to take the test to figure out what my love language was. That was pretty self-explanatory for me. Fine. Well, I mean, but again, the whole, like, being able to kind of codify these different love languages was instructional for me because I knew what I knew about myself, but I didn't, I guess, know what language to use to express it. And this helped with that.

But the one revelation I had from this book that really pounded the point home for me wasn't that there are different love languages. It was the revelation that like you people typically express love in the way they wish to receive it. And that was something I, I don't know, call it my own blind spot, but like I'd never really thought of. I just, it never occurred to me. But when I, when I read that, I was like, oh God, that makes a ton of sense all of a sudden. Like I understood aspects of your behavior and aspects of my behavior because I didn't have that framework to look at before. So, I mean, I don't know. From your perspective, I think you look at it as he's not taking it seriously as I am. But I guess to me, it was kind of like, okay, about 70% of this book was just confirming things I already knew.

He's so smart. No, just it made sense to me. It wasn't something I had to like study or – we'll get there, Kyle. Kyle is – okay. You better get there now because – First of all, good morning, Joe. Tell your wife we said hey. And Kyle, yes, tacos and coffee are.

You have to read the comments. Sorry. Joe said good morning. Wife is with me this morning. Kyle Wilson said the love language for women is tacos. All women love them. And fancy coffees. It's funny you say that, Kyle,

because last night we were talking about the show on the way home from our Phil's sister's house and a piper in the back seat pipes up and says his food on the list. I was like, I love you and you are so smart. And yes, food should be a love language. And then Phil says tacos. Tacos is a love language. Would you say tacos and what? Kyle said tacos and coffee. No, you said something else last night.

Tacos and something. And I can't remember now what you said, but I was like, yes. You just might as well call the whole thing food because otherwise there's too many things to name. Yeah. So food. Tacos, sushi. Food's my love language now. Just take me things to name. Yeah. So food. Tacos, sushi. Food's my love language now. Just take me out to eat. That's all I want. I don't want to cook dinner.

So anyway, I've got these banners queued up. These are the five love languages. And it's not as if, at least like what I was reading from the book, and at least what I believe personally, at least like what I was reading from the book and at least what I believe personally, I don't think any one person doesn't receive love in these ways, but there are definitely ways that, yes, Joe, Joe said rib eyes. We had that last night. But everyone has kind of a primary way, and then the other ways are just kind of ranked down from that.

And I think what's really important to point out before we go into this list is that, you know, this isn't, this isn't designed to tell a partner that like your effort in this area is useless. Just that if, if think of it like a weighted average, you know what I'm saying? If you put, if you put something in this bucket, whereas their primary bucket, they're going to feel it more deeply than if you put it in this bucket way over here. Right. So it's not to say that they don't notice this other sign of affection. It just doesn't have the same impact. Right.

So I think what's important to preface all this with is saying that these are different avenues by which people traditionally show affection and everyone has a primary and then every there's a secondary tertiary so on so forth and the way in which people usually show affection is the way that they want to receive affection it is it is the way that is most impactful for them and therefore they naturally just kind of maybe wrongly think, well, it must be that impactful to somebody else as well. So, you know, that is the framework with which we're operating in. I'm going to check one more comment. Kyle said Texas Roadhouse and Cane's. I mean, I'm not too particular on the restaurant as long as there's food and I don't have to cook.

So let's start with words of affirmation. Okay. Everybody enjoys being praised. Yes. To some degree. Uh-huh. Look at our social media generation. There's a lot of people out there that thrive on words of affirmation.

Yeah. I mean, I, I personally believe that, like, I think personally, they, first of all, it's just, it's healthy to verbalize when you appreciate someone's efforts or when you are paying somebody a compliment like that, that is an aspect of almost everyone's dating life that I don't think really should fade over time. Like you should constantly remind your partner, Hey, you look nice today. Nice. Your butt looks great in those jeans and those sorts of things, you know, but, but, but words of affirmation. I mean, I'm sure if you think

hard enough, you can think of somebody that words of affirmation just kind of fall flat, you know, like they say, thank you. They appreciate the compliment, but it doesn't have like a long lasting puts pep in their step and makes them stand up straighter impact. You, you, I don't know if you still are words of affirmation, but that was the one that you said was the most. I remember, I remember at one point you said words of affirmation is my love language. And so I made it a point to come home of affirmation is my love language. And so I made it a point to come home and tell you how thankful I was that you were such a hardworking husband. And, you know, those words have changed over the years.

Thank you for being such a great dad. And thank you for taking care of us and working so hard and doing this and doing that. And I hope that those were the words that you needed to hear. But words of affirmation, the attaboys is what you needed to hear from me. And then physical touch was your other one. Yeah. But that's further down the list. I know. I'm not going to go there.

I don't know if words of affirmation was ever like really a big one for you. No, not really. It's not. No, it's not no it's not i mean i'd like to hear the hey great job or thanks so much or you're such a great person i like to hear those kinds of things i mean like you said everyone is going to get all up in their fields when somebody gives them words of affirmation but that wasn't one of my key it wasn't one of my key. It wasn't one of my key languages. So another one is quality time. And this one can mean different things to different people. Like sometimes this is engaging in shared hobbies.

Like when I was when I was still in college, I had my little Mazda Miata. We used to go used to go to the autocross with me. We used to do road rallies all the time. Sometimes we would just jump in the car and go hit a back road and drive around for a little bit, you know, with the top down. And like, for me, that was enjoyable because it was like, yeah, it, I'm driving, it's my hobby, but it's something that I'm sharing with you that I'm not sharing with anybody else. Nobody else does these, you know, does these things with me. But quality time can be much more than just shared hobbies. It can literally be movie night on the couch. It could be sit on the back porch, drink coffee, and just talk for a minute. It's to me like the aspect of quality time that makes it so important for couples and makes it some people's primary love language is it is a time when your attention,

it doesn't necessarily have to be directly focused on the other person, but that attention is, it's not, you're not competing for other with everything else for that attention. That's a time when like, you know, you have the ability to talk to that person more one on one than when they have, you know, a child tugging at their shirt or, you know, social media is on their phone or the TV's on or 10,000 other things are going on. It's just, it's the, I'm going to disconnect from the rest of the world for a minute and it's just going to be you and me back here. Yeah. And I think that, I feel like that's enormously impactful. And for the, for the people who that is their primary love language, unlike receiving gifts that we'll get to later, the thing here that's really important to bear in mind is that there's only so many hours in a day, but you have to budget time just like you budget money. And if quality time is the way your partner receives affection, you need to budget some time in your day and throughout your week

to be able to meet that time obligation. And it, you know, like sometimes, and I want to round the conversation out with this, but like sometimes, you know, there's just the realities of life. There's 10,000 things going on. There are kids, there's parents, there's siblings, friends, there's obligations, there's work, work, work, work, work. And sometimes there's reasons why we fall short of what we're trying to commit to these things, but you still have to put forth the effort. Like something you and I, I wouldn't say we've fought with, we've struggled with, is that sometimes throughout our relationship, we've gotten into kind of ruts where it was like, because of what was going on in our personal, our work lives, we started to feel

more like roommates, you know, like we passed each other in the hallway. Some of that was unavoidable. I mean, like the first year we were married, I was still in college and I was working almost 60 hours a week. You were working and we were working opposite schedules. So literally like I'd go, I could go three days without seeing you awake. Yeah.

We made a joke. We used to joke about how we wore the hello, my name is stickers and passed in the hall. Um, yes. And Joe says under uninterrupted quality time. And I think that's kind of what you hit on was, you know,

your phone is not a part of quality time. And maybe a movie is okay because maybe you're snuggling on the couch or something. But, yes, uninterrupted. When we go on dates, I enjoy the time when it's just the two of us in the truck going to the, you know, location and being, you know, just being in there with you. Because we're still talking. We're still doing. We're still, you know, being with each other. And it's, I think it's quality time.

I think it's one of, it's part of the date is that little skirt around town to figure out where we're going. So I do think quality time has become higher on my list than what it was. I have a theory that I wasn't going to bring up, but since you kind of cracked it. My theory is that 20 years ago when we first met, there might have been like one or even two love languages that were really, really high on our list and the rest kind of fell down. And I feel like over the last 20 years, we've balanced out. Where we might still have one that's kind of a preference, but I feel as though we're much more balanced in the way we receive and show affection. And the way we receive and show affection.

Like, I look at this list and I can remember a time when there were certain things here that really, I don't want to say they didn't impact me because that's not what I'm trying to say. But, you know, they weren't as impactful. But now I look at them and I'm like, I can think of things you've done that fit in any one of those five categories. And it's, I can still remember how I felt at that moment. Okay. I feel like we've found balance. Yeah. I wonder if anybody else. Okay. I feel like we've found balance. Yeah. I wonder if anybody else does, but I feel like you and I have. 20-year-old me was coming off of some pretty stupid and hurtful relationships.

And so I just wanted my boyfriend at the time to pick me. I wanted to be the top in his list of I'm going to call her. I'm going to go see her. I'm going to talk to her. And I wanted to be, and I guess that kind of other, and it ended up being you, obviously, to choose me as the number one top priority in his life. And so quality time, you know what? Quality time was a big one for me then when we were together. Because when you came home from Iraq, I got jealous, so jealous of the time that you would spend with your friends.

And we weren't necessarily super – We had just started dating. Yeah, we had just started dating. So our involvement with each other was – and you had just come home. So I got super jealous of your friends. I got super, super jealous of your girlfriends. And why were you hanging out with them when you could be hanging out with me? But I had also come out of a really bad relationship where I had been cheated on for so long or not picked.

And, yeah, so that totally rolls into the Gillian that I was when we first met and started dating versus the Gillian you're married to now. Plus, I'm more secure. After 20 years, you've never cheated on me. You've never looked at another woman and thought, I'm going to pick her today instead of my girlfriend or my wife or whatever. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. You do. Gillian. I'm joking. I'm'm joking maybe next week we'll

talk about alter egos but yeah so quality time to me was i was really big that was before we knew what love languages were and all that stuff but i just wanted to be top priority and and since we're and if quality time isn't the right way to put this, then being a priority, like, I know that was something you and I struggled with kind of early in, early in when we were engaged and even early into our marriage was like, I remember telling you on several occasions, I'm like, you know, like I have the view of marriage that I do and I make no apologies for it. But like, in my view, in order for marriage to be successful, like I have the view of marriage that I do and I make no apologies for it. But like in my view, in order for marriage to be successful, like husband has to put wife at the top of his pyramid and wife has to put the husband at the top of the pyramid. And that's kind of a controversial, that's a controversial statement in some circles because people say, what about the kids and what about this?

And, you know, she should have her independence. And I'm just like, no. about the kids and what about this? And you know, she should have her independence. And I'm just like, no, like if I put my wife's needs and wants ahead of everything else in my world, then she is going to be provided for and taken care of. And I'm going to make sure her emotional needs are met. And I'm going to make sure that she is comfortable to the best of my abilities. And if she does those same things for me, then I don't have to worry about myself. It's a selfless act. Like if I'm 100% focused on you, I don't have to worry about myself. You're 100% focused on me. You don't have to worry about yourself. We're constantly looking out for the other. And I feel like that is the way marriage

has to be organized. And I feel like you and I both struggle with that a little bit at first, as I'm sure most married couples do, where it was kind of like, it was like, I don't know if I really want to put you all the way to the very top because I have these other things that are in that spot. Well, and two, I think it depends on when you get married and your maturity level at that time. We were young. We were, how old was I, 24?

I think I was 24, 26, 27. No, I was 25. Yeah. I was 25 when, no, I was 24. You were 24. When we got married. And I've said this multiple times on the show, but I was young and dumb. But you made at least one really good decision i did make a really good one i said yes you actually you said oh my god about 14 well there's that too not that it's not like i didn't know it was coming but actually i didn't know it was coming at that point but anyway that's another another day that's another day yeah so quality time was definitely a major one for me. And you did okay. You did okay. You, like we said when we started the show, you were going through a lot,

and I couldn't be top priority. But you did really good. I was there. I was like two and a half. But your mental health had to be fixed first. It had to be fixed before you could focus on me. Yeah. But we didn't realize that.

And even early on in our marriage, like, I know that because of the weird work schedules we had, like, Monday was our only day off together. Yeah. And I would like to think I made a really pointed particular point of not scheduling anything for Mondays. Like we almost never even went out with our friends on Mondays. Because I was like, no. I spend six days a week, you know, work, school, work, school, work, work, work. And, you know, you work 60 hours a week and go to school full time, 15 hours a semester. Like you do the math. I was sleeping about four and work 60 hours a week and go to school full time, 15 hours a semester. Like, you do the math.

I was sleeping about four and a half hours a night. It was a brutal way to get through college. But I looked at – I was looking down the road of if I can pull this off, if I can maintain this pace for another year, and if I can get out of college with my bachelor's degree debt-free, I'm already in a career field that I'm very successful at before I decided to change career fields. My point of view was, if I can gut this out for another year, I can graduate debt-free. You had already graduated debt-free. And as long as we could maintain that, I knew it was in the long term, it was going to work out better for us. And it has. But it meant that we only had one day a week together. And that whole day was, I don't want to talk to anybody else. I don't want to see anybody else. I'm not helping you move. I'm not doing nonsense. This is my one day I spent with my wife. So even back then,

as tight as money was like, we'd go out to Outback and we'd order the, uh, the little, the little cheap rib eyes that, you know, that we could afford. And we would, we'd go out to Outback and we'd order the little cheap ribeyes that we could afford. And we'd go grocery shopping. We'd go to the park. We'd do whatever. Whatever we were going to do together, it was going to be on that Monday. And we'd spend the entire day shoved up each other's behinds because that was my one day with my wife. Yeah. Well, we weren't going to see each other for another six days. Yeah. Well, I would see you, but like- Well, you know what I mean. Yeah. Well, with the work schedule I kept and you kept, I would wake up in the morning to go to school and you'd still be asleep. And then I wouldn't even come home that night. I'd go straight from school, straight to work. I'd work 10 hours,

sleep on the couch at work for four hours, wake up, work another 10-hour shift. Come home, and it was like, you know, eat, homework. And by the time you got home, I was asleep. And that was that whole first year we were married. That was rough. But anyway. That was rough. So physical touch. And this is, like, way more than what most people are probably thinking. But, like, this is. It's not just in the bedroom physical touch. And this is like way more than what most people are probably thinking.

But like this is. Yeah, it's not just in the bedroom physical touch. No, like this is hugs. This is kisses. This is like you and I make a point of to the best we're able. Like giving each other a kiss in the mornings before you go to school. And like when we're driving around and you just have your hand sitting on my knee, oh, I notice that. That's, well, but again, physical touch has always been a thing with me.

And a lot of it is because, like, I'm just, this might always be an aspect of my personality, but, like, I'm kind of a prickly person. You are. Like, I'm not a hugger. I always feel so freaking awkward when people that aren't like family hug me. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like when a friend of yours who is a hugger goes in for a hug, I'm like, oh, this feels so freaking weird. Don't worry. You can totally see it all over your body when people hug you.

But I'm not a hugger. I'm not a really like touchy-feely, handsy person. I'm just, I'm not a hugger. I'm not a really like touchy-feely, handsy person. I'm just – I'm not. And I think because of that, I only allow people that I'm very, very comfortable with in. And I think that's why physical touch is always such a thing with me because it's something I don't accept from many people. Like you and my daughter, basically just you and my daughter and family are the only people that can like get in for a hug. Everybody else, it's like handshake because you're still at arm's length. Yeah.

But physical touch is not. It's the little arm over your shoulder. It's the, I think what it is, yes, the touch, it does something. But it's also that that person wanted to touch me. Yeah. Like made that decision that I need to hold your hand or I need to touch your butt when you're cooking dinner or, you know, all those things. Learn to cook, boys. No, you do that to me.

Oh, well, yeah. Well, I do that to you, too. But, yeah, the little things matter. The little bitty touches, the little whatevers, you know. And then changing it up a little bit matters, too. So I don't know where else to go with that. It's the physical touch. It's the desire to touch your partner.

Not necessarily in a sexual way, but just to know that, hey, I'm here. Arm around the small of the back. Yeah. Hey, I'm here. Hey, I just, I needed to touch you. Or I know that you needed me to touch you. I guess touch is like a word and people's brains just go straight there. But then it is also in the bedroom.

It is that too, because a friend of mine who's a therapist, for some reason we were talking about some of this stuff the other day, but I can't remember what she called it, but physical touch, especially physical touch in the bedroom is, oh, I'm trying to think. It's like, this isn't going to sound right, and this probably isn't the right way to say it, but it is a thing that you have to have mentally. It's a thing that you have to have physically have mentally it's it's a thing that you have to have physically what am i trying to say it's like a not a top priority but it is a key i'm trying guys um dang it i i don't know what i'm trying to say it's a need it is a need it's a need necessity it's a thing but more than that like if you don't get it. So as a teacher, we talk about the hierarchy.

I'm not going to say this right either. The hierarchy of things being met before you can actually teach a child. We're talking about like Maslow's hierarchy, right? Okay. Yes, but not as far as that conversation with students. Like they need to be fed. They need to be comfortable. They need to be, you know.

They need to feel safe, secure, loved, so on and so forth. Yes. In order for them to actually be open to learning. Well, it is, it's physical touch is, it's like one of the very top things that a human needs to feel. I don't, I'm not trying to dance around this. It's just my brain's not working. So help me with words. No, I mean, well, Maslow's hierarchy or Maslow's pyramid basically just states that there are... So to relate this to the other podcast, Matter Facts, which is again, based around survival and preparedness, things like that. There's like a base level of, I need to have my physical needs met. I need so

much sleep. I need so much food, so much water. I need those things. And once you have covered all those things, there's the next level of the pyramid, which is I need to feel safe. I need to feel secure. I need to feel loved, so on and so forth. And I think the top level is like internal, like what makes me me, what drives, what my internal goals are, those sorts of things. But no, I think I hear what you're saying that like the need for physical touch, physical intimacy, the need to feel love in general, it's part and parcel to human beings. Like we – you can tell when a person doesn't feel loved. Even if it's if they don't love themselves. You can see it on them. They look depressed.

They look like they have nothing to live for. They carry them, they drag themselves around. was trying to get at if my brain will cooperate is without that without the physical touch without the the the the intimacy the your relationship will fizzle it will that that person is not receiving it and it's not because they just have to get off or whatever but but it goes much deeper if you're not having that. Because it's a whole physiological thing. They're not receiving what they need as a human to be happy and healthy and everything else. And so your relationship is going to obviously take a strain. Yeah. And I have to get this out now or I might forget about it. But to any one of these things, if you ever hear a person say that that thing is not important.

Intimacy? No, any one of these things. Oh, any of these. Like if a person tries to discount, like if you have a primary way to feel loved and another person tries to discount that or say, well, that's not that important or that's not that big of a deal, then my immediate response is, then how would you feel if that person got that affection from someone else? Dang. Because this is the thing. Yeah. I've had this argument with people and I love to argue.

I love a good debate. But I've blown up a lot of arguments with this when somebody will say, well, this physical touch is not that important. I'm like, how would you feel if your husband got touched by another woman? Well, they immediately just blow a fuse. And I'm like, so it's important enough that he can't get it from somebody else, but he can't get it from you either. And it goes the other way, though. It's like it's worth of affirmation.

It's quality time. If I were to tell you, well, quality time is not that big of a deal. You should just be happy with what you get. But then I got mad when you were spending quality time like on a date with another guy. Well, it's important enough that you shouldn't spend that time with somebody else, but I won't give you that quality time. That is – I'm not priming anybody for an argument with their spouse, but all I'm going to ever say is that if your spouse or your boyfriend, girlfriend, or your whatever responds to your request for their affection by trying to gaslight you and thinking you shouldn't feel that way, throw that one, pull the pin and drop that hand grenade. Yeah, really. Because it will, the moment they, if they don't get outraged that you're feeling affection from someone else, there's a more serious problem that needs to be dealt with in couples counseling. But if they do feel outrage, then your immediate response is, if I shouldn't have that with someone else, then why can't I have it with my spouse?

Right. But yes, that's my personal hand grenade to blow up gaslighting. Works every time. Acts of service. This is one that, like, to this day, I feel this. And I don't want to say I'm guilty of, cause I feel like you appreciate these things, but like I, we talked last show about how I'm constantly doing the fly to the bumblebee routine on the weekends. I'm running around taking care of chores, taking care of

things around the house, working on projects. And for me, a lot of it is like, Hey, I'm a very task driven person, but I also like, I want my wife and daughter to have like, I want the dishes to be done and put away. I want the laundry to be folded. I want the Jeep to be working right. I want these things to be available to enrich my wife and daughter's lives. And I want these things to be there so that they're more comfortable or they're whatever, quite frankly, I want y'all to have more time to sit down and read a book or watch YouTube and not have to do all these things. So for me, acts of service has always been a really, really big part of the way I show affection because I see it as I'm expending my time and my energy to do things so that y'all don't have to.

Okay. I won't get so upset about it. But for that same reason, when I'm, you know how I get. Every now and then I just get overloaded. Like, you know, I'm going from one chore to another, to another, four or five hours pass, and I'm just, I haven't stopped. And those are the moments when you say, my husband is working like a Hebrew slave. And you just take a chore, take a chore off my plate that I never asked you to.

And you never said, hey, honey, do you want me to do that? You just said, he needs help. And that means the world to me. Because then it's like, I am doing all these things. And she's pitched in where she's able and that I noticed those things. Like when I get to that dishwasher and I'm like, I'm pretty sure this was full of clean dishes that need to get put away. So how would you feel then if I just started taking over all those things and left you with no to-do list? You can never leave me with a no to-do list. Well, but again, there's no way you could because I will find something else that

needs to get done. Okay. Well, like the other weekend with the Jeep, I was out there busting butt on that. I came back in the house and the dishes were done, laundry was done, you cleaned up the house, even though you were out there hanging out with me most of the day. So like to me, there is no way for you to quote unquote do everything and I'll have nothing left to do. There are, there will be other things to get into. I will, I have stuff I can be working on pretty much indefinitely. It's just a question of. So you'll never just be able to sit down?

I don't think so. Like my thing is, my thing is not, it's not as if I have like, I got three things on the to-do list and once those things are done, I'm done for the day. It's, I have so much effort and energy and time today. And once that's expended, I'm out. So I'm going to get the things that are the most important done first. But if you were to say, hey, honey, I'm going to handle the grocery shopping today. You don't have to deal with that. I'd be like, okay, I'm not going to sit around and just be a louse.

I'm going to find something else to get into that needs to be done. So I guess what I'm saying is like when you, when you take those things off my plate, it's not getting me closer to rest. It's just accelerating me getting down my list faster. But I do take notice of those things. And acts of service isn't just doing the chores. I mean, it's,

I know you've made comment like in the past, like, cause I know you're not a big fan of washing your jeep no I'm not but then the other weekend you and I got out there and washed it and you vacuumed it and we detailed it together and it can be I mean it can be doing something for the other person it could and it doesn't have to be volunteered either like if you ask somebody for their help and they take time out of their day to give you that assistance, I call it

active service. Even if it's not a spontaneous one. Yes. Okay. I get it now. This podcast has helped my wife understand her husband. Well, I mean, we talked about it a little bit last week, but I didn't

realize that it was a – I didn't realize. Because you didn't say that last week either. Joe said, yes, but my wife will have less chores. And again, like to me, with – I don't know who this is guy that comments there's no telling okay you've made me blush but um anyway we gotta get back on track that's not when we're gonna read so and the last one is receiving gifts which this this is where to be me this used to be keep going sorry well this used to be a very very

big i would say almost your primary almost maybe and i am this has always been one of my lesser forms of giving and receiving affection, which was a rub for the two of us. Because I'm just not, I'm not good at it. You will spend months dreaming up the perfect gift to give for me. And it's always something I wouldn't have thought of to give for myself. And then when I pull it out of the box, I'm like, oh my God, this is perfect. But I, whatever part of your brain that enables that, I was born without. Or it's atrophied into like a little bitty raisin or something. It's just not there. Truer words have never been spoken.

Yes. Receiving gifts. Yes, receiving gifts has been and will probably always be one of my tops. And I'm not thinking like, I think, yes, it used to be, you know, get me the expensive things. But now it's something like you stopped on your way home at CVS and you had to get whatever, such and such, but you ended up stopping at the cards and you picked me up a card. Not that you've ever done that. Hint, hint. Does tacos count as gifts? Tacos are always, yes, tacos always count as a gift. Always. Always. I mean, anytime

you say, you know, let's go out tonight or hey, let's order in tonight or whatever. Yes, that is a gift. But is that a gift or is that an act of service? Because then it means you don't have to cook or clean. Can't they be both? Possibly. I think they can be both. Can't they be both? Possibly. I think they can be both. I think it's a gift. I mean, I still always, I try to always thank you when we go out to eat.

Thank you for dinner. Thanks for paying for dinner tonight or whatever. Because if it were up to you, you would never go out to eat. We're almost to that part of the show where we tie all these things together well where we talk about like mismatches and stuff yeah and so i know that going out to eat is not a it's not something that you want to do because you wake up in the morning you're like you know what i think i'm gonna go out to eat today and That's not happening. Usually it's the puppy dog eyes from your wife and daughter that are saying, I really don't want to cook today or I really don't want to eat that again tonight or whatever. But it's not just I don't want to cook tonight because I would cook.

It's I don't want to cook and I don't want anything you're capable of cooking. It's true. It's true. It's true. Okay, so Joe said if I want something, I'll go get it myself. And that's the problem. That's the problem with this one. What are we left to buy you if you just go out and get it by yourself?

Leave something for the wife. We got to think of these things and do these things. I'm an adult. That's what I do. I want something. I go bust my butt. I'm an adult. That's what I do. I want something. I go bust my butt. I save my money. I earn it. Well, then you make it harder for us when it's time to receive gifts. I think of Christmas or your birthday or whatever. I'm always struggling going,

well, he's got that. Well, that's- But think about what I always ask for on my birthday. Keep your mind clean. It's not. I know what you ask for on your birthday. I always. I always. Something for. But no.

Shit, now I can't. Something for you to unwrap and open at Christmas or. That's, that's half joking. Only half though. But no, everything, like last birthday. I said, like, give me a cookie cake. Let's order a pizza or two. We can have like one or two friends over and we'll just hang out here at the house.

Like what I want for my birthday, I don't want gifts. I just want quality time. I want that experience to just be able to hang out with people I don't get to see that often and just chill. All right. So Christmas, would you be okay just sitting there and not opening any gifts? Have I ever done anything to indicate to you that I'm an extraordinarily gift-focused person? No, but you still have to have something to open for Christmas. That's more for her than for me. Yes.

I don't want anyone forgotten. But it doesn't have, it never has to be anything extravagant on my behalf. Well, Christmas is one thing because I always have to top myself on your gift. You're going to run out. I am. I'm running out. That trajectory can't be maintained. I always, the last few

years I've been going to patrons to ask for ideas for gifts. And actually, Joe helped me with this Christmas gift. So, thank God for that. Although you've never used it. And I guess that's okay. It hangs up behind me when I podcast. Does it?

Yeah. Oh, I've never seen it. It's right there on the shelf. If you need to know or want to know, it's a tom. Oh, I've never seen it. It's right there on the shelf. If you need to know or want to know, it's a tomahawk that has a pipe in it so he can smoke from his tomahawk. After I embed it in somebody's forehead. Wait, go back to the comments I didn't see. Joe said gifts are for Christmas. You will get a list. Do not deviate from the list. Except I don't get a list, Joe.

Phil does not give me a list of things that he wants. And that is why I contacted you over Christmas or before Christmas and said, help me out with this, Joe. You know where the cigar store is? What does that next comment say? The cigar? But you have a whole humidor full of cigars. It's actually empty. Well, almost empty.

I have to restock it. Well, I don't know that. Bible is top romance material telling Adam slaving away for his wifey. Okay. Top romance? I don't know about that. I read some pretty spicy books that are top romance. Yeah.

But anyway, so what I was wanting to talk about as we kind of wrap all these things together, we've gone through the five love languages. It's like we said kind of at the top of the show, like one of the things that was very instructional for me is that people usually attempt to show affection in the way that whatever is their primary, that's the way they try to show it. Yes. Which makes sense.

I mean, you kind of have to operate from your own experience and whatever way feels most impactful for you to receive affection is the way you're naturally going to gravitate towards trying to show it. But what happens when one spouse's primary and another spouse's primary miss each other? Then we get into a situation where they wind up in couples counseling with both saying Hopefully. Hopefully. With the other person saying, well, they don't care that much about me.

And then the other one defending themselves saying, I do this, that, and the other, and yada, yada, yada. And it's like the language they're not using that they may not even know is you are showing me affection in less than the perfect way for me to receive it. And I feel like there's two things going on here. One, for the receiving spouse to try to be more, I guess, like understanding of the fact that there is effort being put here. You know, like recognize the effort that's being expended.

put here, you know, like recognize the effort that's being expended and for the giving spouse to understand that I'm putting all this effort here, but I'm not putting it over here where it would do more good. So I feel like there's, I feel like there's a disconnect on both sides. And I feel like there is, you know, I, we've talked before about like what I feel about divorce and how I feel like, you know, divorces really should be a last resort to dissolve a relationship. And I feel like for a lot of people, they just they get to this point in their marriage where things get hard. Things aren't easy anymore. The honeymoon period's worn off and then they just quit because it's not easy anymore. It's not fun. worn off and then they just quit because it's not easy anymore. It's not fun. And to me,

that is the point at which we start to have these conversations, go to couples counseling, and we say, I see the effort you're expending. I need it over here. And for the person who's giving, which it goes both ways, to say, I need to try to adjust the way I'm showing affection so that it has the maximum amount of impact for this person. It really is just like a whole nother layer, like we always talk about of, you know, marriage is all about give and take. It's all about compromise. It's all about learning the other person. This is just another avenue for all that. But i do feel like mismatched mismatched love languages are incredibly common like let's assume for a moment even though it's not truly doesn't break out this way there's five love languages that means you have a 20 chance of having any one which means if you give me that statistic for a second you have a one in ten chance of having the same love language as your spouse.

So the odds are not in your favor. Unless I did my math wrong. Anyway. You said 20%, so 1 in 10. Well, that'd be 1 in 5. But this person has 1 and this person has 1. Oh, I see. So the odds that they would both have the same one, I don't know.

It's either one in ten or two in ten. The point is it ain't much. Which would be one-fifth. Yeah. Don't ask me to do statistics before I have a second cup of coffee. But my point is, like, the odds are that you're not going to have the same primary love language as your spouse. Right. You're going to have to, you're both going to have to learn to compromise with each other

and try to look for the effort that's being expended, even if it's not in the perfect way for you to receive it. And you're going to have to look at your spouse and say, this is the way I'm trying to show affection. This is the way they really need it. And just try to work with them. At the end of the day, if you truly love your spouse, your goal is always to make that person feel loved and fulfilled. So why would you fold your arm and say, well, I, I showed them love and they didn't receive it right. Cause that's, that's, you're

getting crazy. I know people that sound like that. Exactly. And I, and I, I find that so first of all, I find that incredibly toxic because it's a hell of a good way to ruin a marriage. But, you know, like I've been very pointed about the fact that like a large component of the way that I conduct my behavior with you has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with our child. Because the only way she's ever going to know what a marriage looks like is if we show her. Yeah. So if you and I are toxic and angry to each other, she learns that. So I try to show her, like, this is the way, if you choose to get married, if you choose to have a relationship with a man, this is the way that a man better treats you. Because if he's not treating you the way your father treated your mom, something's wrong.

Yeah. I think it's also important, I know we're trying to wrap this up to, you know, in this whole wrap up of saying you need to visit this. You need to visit these love languages often because people change. And as much as people don't want to say, well, people don't change. People change. And relationships change and they morph and things happen. And, you know, it may happen to someone. I'm thinking like some, something big happens to one person. Well, it's going to affect that person and it's going to affect their marriage and it's going to affect everything

in their life. And so it's, it's vital to come back to this and say what has changed because I am no longer – I don't – You are not 21-year-old Gillian anymore. I'm not. I'm not 21-year-old Gillian anymore, and I'm not necessarily looking for the gifts. I think the gifts are great. But I think – go back to the list. I think that – You don't have these memorized?

No, I don't. I don't either. Why are you giving me a hard time, you asshole? Because I give you a hard time. Acts of service are definitely, it's definitely up there in quality time. Like I want, we used to be really good when she was a little bit younger to find a babysitter and go on a date. And I think that's coming back around. when she was a little bit younger to find a babysitter and go on a date. And I think that's coming back around.

I think it's, you know, we're taking more time to go on dates. And now we're even taking more of an initiative to go on weekends together or whatever. We're trying to at least. And some of that was also like the phase she was in in her life. Because there was a time when she was very comfortable spending the night at somebody's house. And then she got into kind of a homebody phase where she didn't really want to be away from the two of us. And we've always been very particular about like sometimes she's just got to suck it up. But we didn't want to make it a regular habit of making her feel like she was being offloaded all the time. Right.

I don't know. I think I definitely was a receiving gifts kind of girl. Yes. But physical touch and quality time are where I'm at now. Because I think it's because I'm so much

more comfortable with myself that I'm okay spending quality time with you. I'm not in my head all the time. Does that make sense? It does. Okay. It makes sense to you.

And physical touch makes sense because I'm not in my head all the time. Okay. That's for him, not you. So I guess my thought process is like, like I said earlier, like I feel like over the last 20 years we have, I feel like over the last 20 years we have i feel like over the last 20 years we have kind of our love our our preference for the love languages has largely balanced out whereas it used to be very very focused on a single one and i feel like that has probably made that concept flow back

and forth of affection a lot easier in a lot of ways because we just were more receptive to more different more ways more equally and in a more balanced way but the thing i was going to say earlier about how like your preference for a love language changes over time and you know like people in a marriage change over time like we talked about in another episode but like you're not 21 year old gillian anymore but you're also not who 40-year-old Gillian would have been if it weren't with me. Right. So not only have we both changed as individuals, we've changed as a result of being married to each other. Yeah, because 21-year-old me, like I said, I was looking for a man that was going to put me first, that wasn't going to cheat on me, that was going to call when he said he was going to call or be home when he said he was going to

be home. And it took me a few months to realize that that was you and that you were going to do that. It also took, you know, your dad would tell me all the time, you know, he's not that kind of guy. He's not going to do that. He's not going to cheat on you. He's not the type of guy that's going to go out all night and party. And he's not the type of guy who's going to show up with another girl at home or whatever. I was always the old man in the relationship. You were. You still are. Still am. Anyway. All right. So anything else you need to say? Still am. Anyway.

All right. So anything else you need to say? No, nothing I can really think of. Like, I hope this has been instructional for everybody who's watched. And I hope everybody that's listened. And, you know, like if you're – I would venture to say that the five love languages, it's an interesting read outside of a couple's life. It's really, really, really helpful for couples. You know, whether you are in beginning stages of dating and you're just trying to figure out the other person and like I have tried to figure out the opposite gender for getting on about 41 years, I'm still

not making a lot of headway with it despite living with two of them. We're required to change it up. It's in our book. It's in the manual. Anyway manual anyway i'm gonna find this manual one day and i'm gonna publish it be a billionaire but anyway did you know that he also wrote books after this of love languages for children love languages for all different things that are important in people's lives so i think i'm not pushing the book and we're obviously not sponsored or anything else like that, but I do think it is worth your while to download it or go buy it and read it and then have your spouse read it and then read it together and then do the

test and figure out your life together. And especially if you're having trouble, but again, if you've been married for 25 years, Joe, or almost 20 here or been together for almost 20 years, revisit it. See what has changed. I would say even for the couple that isn't having trouble, it's helpful, though. Because if nothing else, the one thing that this book did for me was it gave me the language to use to express something I couldn't put into words.

Does that make sense? So I feel like even for the couple that says, hey, we're A-OK. We don't need the book. You know, it will probably give you the language to talk about these things in a more concrete way than you can normally talk about feelings and emotions. Right. And especially if you have children, it will help you explain to them what they're feeling. Because children emotions are complicated, especially little girl emotions. Right. And if you aren't married and you don't have kids, it might still give you the tools to talk to someone in your life, whether it is a friend or a coworker or a family member who is struggling

with understanding emotions and affections and love and all these things. And it might help give you the tools to talk them through it. Well, it can be applied in all relationships that, you know, mean something to you for sure. Yeah. Anyway. All right. Well, thank you for watching and or listening. And you know the drill, I guess, if we're not going to be on next week. But we should be on next week. I think we'll be on next week. I mean, you know, just bear in mind that if we aren't sitting here on a Sunday morning to record a show, usually it's because something has infringed upon podcast time that's family related.

Yes. And we're entitled to that every now and then. For sure. All right. Y'all have a great weekend and great Sunday, and we'll see you next week. Bye, everybody. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Thank you.