The Prepper Broadcasting Network - Raising Values: Traits That Cut Both Ways

Episode Date: September 15, 2024

https://www.facebook.com/RaisingValuesPodcast/www.pbnfamily.comhttps://www.instagram.com/raisingvaluespodcast/http://www.mofpodcast.com/www.prepperbroadcasting.comhttps://rumble.com/user/Mofpodcastwww.youtube.com/user/philrabSupport the showMerch at: https://southerngalscrafts.myshopify.com/Shop at Amazon: http://amzn.to/2ora9riPatreon: https://www.patreon.com/mofpodcastA frank yet lively discussion with the Patrons this week about personality traits got Phil thinking, are there aspects to our inner selves that are both a positive and a negative? Are there pieces of us that cut both ways, simultaneously pushing us to achieve and hamstringing our efforts? Have a seat and ask yourself, have you ever been too proud to ask for help?Raising Values Podcast is live-streaming our podcast on our YouTube channel, Facebook page, and Rumble. See the links above, join in the live chat, and see the faces behind the voices.family, traditional, values, christian, spiritual, marriage, dating, relationship, children, growing up, peace, wisdom, self improvement, masculinity, feminity, masculine, feminine

Welcome to the Raising Values Podcast, where the traditional family talks. You can find us on iTunes, Stitcher, and Spotify, and be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. You can support the Raising Values Podcast through Patreon. Bill and Gillian are behind the mic they're taunting you during the pre-roll? We're coming. Good morning, Stuart. I'm glad you're here on time. I'm glad you're here on time, Stuart.

That's a good point. I'm glad he's here on time, too. Usually he shows good point. I'm glad he's here on time, too. Usually he shows up 10 minutes late and tells us to start over. Well, he texted me yesterday and said that he was looking for the topic yesterday on our Facebook page and then said, by the way, you still have this pinned up at the top of your Facebook page. So he was ahead of the game 24 hours ago. Great job, Stuart. So proud of you. Good morning, Phoebe.

Good morning, Phoebe. I hope you had a good time last night watching Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. I want to go see that so bad. Yeah, I kept wondering why I kept seeing like Instagram feed full of people wearing red and white pinstripes. No, black and white. Black and white. Black and white. And then it hit me. I was like, oh, okay. Yeah, the new Beatles just made me feel.

But that doesn't have anything to do with the podcast. No. Really doesn't. So this topic kind of came up, and Stuart might have been around for this, but this came up on the Matter of Facts side in the patron chat, but there's a lot of those men and women that are also raising values listeners and we got to talking about personality traits that cut both ways or their double-edged swords you know i'm saying like certain things that are negative or positive depending on the situation and this specifically came up because of

like what i think is a natural kind of an inborn drive to be self-reliant to take care of oneself that's very very deep in the preparedness community but it came out because a lot of us were talking about the fact that we don't like asking for help from others no I can't imagine any of our our friends in that group asking for help from a lot of people yeah so that that's that's kind of the groundwork of what provoked this topic because i was seeing parallels over and over and over through all those conversations cool but do we want to do announcements real quick or i think we that's usually the flow of things is the announcements. I blame Stuart for getting us off track. We're just blown away

that you're here on time, Stuart. Not really. I think you're great. New merch! New merch. I love it. So yeah, like we've said in the past, and we'll say it again, go buy your shirts. Aunt Doris, Andrew's aunt from matter of facts commented that um she really liked the shirts

yesterday because i made a post so if you follow us on instagram no i didn't put it on instagram i did a long time ago but yesterday i put it on facebook because Facebook's kind of been dead. Anyway, she said she liked the shirts. And I said, well, I hear that they're going to be all the rave at Prepper Camp. So if you don't have your shirts, we're not going to be selling shirts at Prepper Camp. We'll have a little QR code where you can click to go to the store. And you can order it for yourself and get it delivered to your house. But we won't really have merch there we'll have a couple of giveaways and stickers and things like that but um the link is in the show notes it's also on facebook uh so you can go check that out

and get some shirts i think she's doing koozies she can also do tumblers um she could probably well i don't know all sorts of things go there and the new matter of fact smirch is out too so you can go see that so thanks to tiffany and chris for working so hard to get those things done before prepper camp because i'm really hoping to see a lot of people wearing some of those shirts um while while we're out there which Which is what? Three weeks away? Yeah. Prepper Camp is three weeks away. Three weeks from today we will be in Saluda. I know. And I looked at the weather this morning in Saluda.

The highs are only in the 70s. And the lows are in the 50s. It's perfect camping weather. Knock on wood. Perfect camping weather. And next is the Raising signal chat yeah for patrons so we had a patron um message us a couple of weeks ago and asked why don't we have a raising value signal chat and i thought well i don't know why don't we because everybody's on that matter of fact signal chat. But if you are a patron and you would like to be a part of this signal chat, just let any of us know.

The link is in the matter of fact signal chat. You can join that way. So we won't be talking much about politics, guns, and what else is it? Politics, guns, and preparedness. I mean, we will. We'll talk about some of those things, I'm sure. But I think the point of the raising value signal chat is to talk more about the

things like we talk about on this show so um and to kind of i think it's been good because we we do have a listener that um i was unaware because i don't know everyone's backstory that listens to the show, but, um, turns out we come from the same type of household and, um, it's, you know, the things that she said to me, I've, I've read them before the text messages and things like that. It's just nice to know that there's other people out there. I hate that we've all gone through those things, but it's nice to know that we can kind of share those things together. So yeah, so the Raising Value Signal Chat is up and running, and that's always fun.

So if you want to get a part of that, and that's all. Is that all? That's it for administrative work. So back to what we were talking about before I got us massively out of order, is you might be self-reliant, but do you ask for help?

And I will be the first to admit that i am fairly guilty of this fairly fairly but i don't need help very often no you don't you don't but this is one of those things i was talking about because like we were taught one of our patrons on the matter of facts i was talking about how i think she said she had her leg in a cast she was setting the emergency brake on a vehicle and she pushed it down far enough that like that i don't remember if it was the top of the cast got stuck under the dash or something happened where she got stuck oh my gosh and see i haven't been reading the chat the chat and she had to wiggle herself out of there because she was like.

That's awful. How scary too. Well, but here was her thing. She was like, I'm going to get so much crap if I have to call somebody to come over here and help me get this cast out of here. So she just like, you know, very calmly, patiently figured it out. But it really is one of those situations where it's like, you know, that will and that drive to take care of yourself, to do for yourself. I think that's a positive. But like I pointed out to her and several other people in the group is when you get to that point where you're going to screw something up or hurt yourself if you keep pushing to try to do it by yourself.

That's the point at which like we really do have to take our ego put it on shelf and be like i really need help if i want to get this done right without causing an accident yeah but that's that's so incredibly difficult for a person who's grown up with that idea of like no i want to take care of myself you know we we view we view having to ask for help as some kind of an innate failure because like you couldn't do it by yourself. And that's the whole objective of the game at this point. You and I were talking this morning about how I kind of need to get a set of spark plugs put in the truck. And I was planning on doing that this afternoon, but I'm probably going to have to punch in for at least a few hours of work this afternoon.

So it's one of those situations where it's like, you know, for the first time in how many years, I might actually bring a car to a mechanic. Well, and it's like I told you, like, it's the perfect storm. You've been called into work over the weekend. You're working both days this weekend. And you need to get this project done. And while the weather is absolutely gorgeous today in South Louisiana, and it would be the perfect day to go work on your truck,

it's just not in the cards for you to do that. And so, you know, I can't do it. And I'm sure I could do it if you told me how, but you're not going to trust me to go put spark plugs in your truck for the first time ever. Not without, well, I mean, you helped with the spark plugs on your Mustang 15 years ago. Yeah, but I couldn't tell you what to do. I know that I stuck the little thing in between the little hook part. Are you dying inside?

A little bit. Where you have to, you have you have to stick the little thing. Please stop. To make it the right width apart. Right? You mean you gapped the spark plugs? Yeah, I gapped them. That's what I meant.

I remember I did that. There is one mechanic in this family. And then I had to put them in because your hand was too big. That was a thing. Your two back spark plugs, I literally couldn't get my arm down in there to put those spark plugs in. And she had to because, you know, her forearms are just narrower than mine. But you, there have been times, though, like on the truck or whenever you're working on cars, yeah, you're the mechanic,

but you have come to me and asked, can you help me with this? I'm going to need your help with this today or whatever. Well, the last two times we had to run wiring back and forth in the truck over the gas tank, I had to have your help for that because my arms are literally too big to fit. Like, I cannot physically do the job without dropping the gas tank, and you can. And I feel when you do ask me for help, because it is so rare that you ask me for help, I do feel like a sense of accomplishment. Like, oh, wow, he needs me today instead of me for help. I do feel like a sense of accomplishment, like, oh, wow, he needs me today instead of me needing him. Wow. Yeah. So like I said, I mean, I, I'm willing to

ask for help. It doesn't come often, but I just think that that's one of those things where it's like that same, that's two sides of the same personality trait is, yeah, it's great to want to do for yourself, but can you let go of that and ask for help when you genuinely, legitimately need it? Yeah. Persistent or stubborn. You can't just put banners up. Stuart's watching. You can't just put banners up and not read them. I know, I'm staring at you.

Oh. Persistent or stubborn is what this next banner is. Yeah. Hmm. Why are you looking at me? Because sometimes there's a thin gray line between persistent and stubborn, and you flirt with it sometimes. Oh.

That's a fun drink. So, I mean, let's call it what it is. Most people would count the will and the want to persevere through difficult and whole t as a positive but there's an old saying stop throwing good money after bad okay in other words like know when to cut your losses and say this just isn't working anymore and to continue to go down this path because it was my path and it got difficult, for no other reason than that, if this path doesn't serve my means anymore, then why would I continue down it?

But some people, because they get tunnel vision and because they are so persistent, it branches out into stubbornness where if they would take a step back and think rationally, they would realize this isn't working. I need to try something else. But they can't pull back from it. They've already kind of committed themselves to, nope, this is going to get done this way and I'm going to push through no matter what. So could it be persistent or stubborn versus ignorant and stupid? I don't think it's ignorant and stupid, though, because to me this is... I don't think it's ignorant stupid though because like to me this this is but wouldn't I I think that kind of what you just said anyway what like the example that you just

gave sounds like stupidity like if I continue to do it this way I'm I'm gonna get a different result and that's not the but the heart but the hard part of it is that sometimes your emotions get tied up in it and you're no longer thinking rationally. In other words, like, if somebody could push the pause button and be like, hey, dude, look at what you're doing, you'd realize and be like, oh, I'm being an idiot about this. But when you're in the moment and you're on the ground

and, you know, you're elbow deep in it, it's hard to pull back and think about that and be like maybe this isn't working i i've run into this sometimes like with all kinds of tasks whether it's mechanical work or even like you know my day job when i'm trying to figure out how to do something in in a spreadsheet and i will sit there and beat my head against the wall trying to figure out how to get it done a certain way only only to realize later, oh, this would have been, going at it this other direction would have been so much simpler. But I got into that tunnel vision of this is the way I'm trying to get it done, and I'm going to force it to work this way. So that's why I say I don't think it's a stupidity thing.

I think sometimes you just, you get so sucked into the task. Yeah. You are stubborn. Yeah. You are stubborn yeah you are stubborn am i stubborn holy hell yes really because i i'm sitting here thinking if it's not working then let's look at it a different way let's try it a different way i don't know maybe maybe in some aspects i'm stubborn about things say what you want to say because your voice has got subtitles. Sometimes you think it's working when it's really not. Okay.

Do you have an example? No. He's like, right now? Not off the top of my head, but the next time it happens I'll let you know. You think this is working, but it's not working. Part of being a STEM teacher especially is when the kids do this.

I mean, because they're human and everybody does this. But I'll give them a task, and they get stuck on one way to complete this task. Yeah. We have to figure out the different ways to complete the task, and there are different ways to complete the task. And there are different ways to complete the task. And for instance, we just did a, um, we just did a project in the middle school, fourth through seventh. Um, and it was a super simple, um, art engineering project and they had parameters. They had to construct their name, a 3D sculpture of their name, and it had to be

over six inches tall. It had to be, you could only, they could only use markers, crayons, tape, and paper. They couldn't use glue or anything like that. It had to be tape. And so once they figured out how to get their name over six inches tall without making the letters the size of a piece of paper, which also is one of the ways that it could work, the fifth graders realized, well, if I just roll up a piece of paper and make a tube and tape that to the bottom piece of paper, I can just tape my letters onto it. bottom paper, I can just tape my letters onto it. Well, after, after that happened and you know, they're all on display, they all started doing it that way. And then I had this one girl who I didn't think she was going to, she, she has a hard time seeing things outside of her tunnel vision. outside of her tunnel vision she totally went in a totally different direction and used her letters as like she would tape she would make them into arcs and then she'd build on that arc and then she'd build on that arc and it was the coolest sculpture of that was up there but anyway what i'm trying to say is even kids get stuck in that stubbornness, that pattern of, I have to do it this way.

This has to be the only way to solve this problem. And, you know, talking about that being a good thing and a bad thing, sometimes that leads you to break away from the herd and truly find a better way or at least a unique way of doing something. I feel like where this where this is what they did yeah i feel like where this devolves into a negative trait though is when like it's outcome based to me you know when when doing it your way when no one else wants to do it that way it causes you to have a bad result the the project fails the whatever doesn't work out the way you wanted to like whatever that's the point of which you you jumped the shark from persistent to stubborn because if you had taken a step back and thought the way i'm doing this isn't working the way everybody else is doing this is working

that's probably what i should do but you just stubbornly say nope this is the way i'm going to do it whether it it starts out as this is the way i'm going to do it no matter how everyone else does it and eventually it transitions into this is the way i'm going to do it no matter how everyone else does it. And eventually it transitions into, this is the way I'm going to do it even if it doesn't work. Yeah. Because at the point at which it doesn't work is when you ought to be able to pull the ripcord and say, this isn't working. I need to try something else. But that's difficult sometimes. It is.

So you might be stern, but can you be gentle? It is. So you might be stern, but can you be gentle? This is something you and I talked about a lot when we were first becoming parents. Because by nature, I am a disciplinarian, and I'm very much type A personality, and I'm very rigid in a lot of ways. Yeah. I conduct myself that way. I have certain schedules, certain patterns, certain ways of doing things. And like even last night after I finished ten and a half hours work, you were saying, hey, babe, dinner's on the stove.

Before I would stop to eat, I had three or four things I wanted to get done before dinner and I didn't care how hungry I was. I wanted to get those things done first. Yeah. how hungry I was, I wanted to get those things done first. Yeah. But where I used to struggle, and sometimes I still do struggle, is not forcing that level of rigidity onto others. Because, like, you and Piper are very different from me and very,

I want to say, like, fly by the seat of y'all's pants in a lot of ways. I am. I don't think she is. She's a middle ground between us i think she no i don't think she's middle ground either you think she's i think she's more you she is not a fly by the seat of your pants kind of thing but her patterns are very different from mine well yeah she's a 12 year girl. So I guess what I'm saying is, like, this is one of those moments in time where I sometimes have to navigate and say, I could force her to do it my way, but would it be better for her to, like, let her have some of that autonomy and figure this out on her own? where we're at right now with her though is because she made the comment a few weeks ago about how um she made the comment a few weeks ago that I didn't trust her to be able to handle situations that she gets in or whatever not not that they're bad or anything but that she can handle herself

and so that really made me take a step back and be like okay okay, yes, you are hovering. She is 12. She does know how to handle herself and you know, she's really smart and she can figure out a lot of the situations that she's in at this age kind of thing. Um, I don't know where I was going with this. I'm sorry. My brain is not feeling great today. Um, anyway, yep, that's it my brain said you're done so anyway i guess just back to my point of view like this is one of those things that like i've always believed and i feel like you believe that like you know there's a certain amount of like discipline and holding people to standards that's very very important not just in adulthood, but especially raising children. Like kids have to understand there's consequences for actions. And consequence isn't always a negative. Sometimes it's positive. A consequence of us not getting eyeball deep in debt is that we don't burn hundreds of dollars a month in interest payments. That's a positive consequence,

but it's a consequence because of actions we've taken. And I see a lot of children out there that the parents are so concerned about being gentle and about gentle parenting makes me roll my eyes, by the way. Like you and I've talked about this. Yes. Yeah. Same. We've had that whole episode. If you're curious, you can go back and listen to it. But, like, my whole thing on gentle parenting is, like, y'all's definition of gentle and mine are very different, apparently.

Because my version of gentle doesn't mean spoil the hell out of the kid. It means, you know, like, be nice to them, but get the point across. Yeah. But I digress. But there are parents that are so worried about being gentle that they stop doing the job of being parents. And sometimes that requires being stern. Sometimes your kids are going to push the limits because they're freaking kids. It's what kids do.

And I know for me and my personality, it's not easy for me to be stern. It's not easy for me to be like, my heart hurts when I have to be stern because we've gotten to the point now where mean mom has to come out. I mean, I'm not being mean, but I'm also not being. But you feel like you're being mean. Yeah, I do feel like I'm being mean. So I think if you want to get down into the psychoanalyze all of that, the gentle parenting, psychoanalyze all of that the gentle parenting i'm i'm wondering if that comes from a place of people who don't like confrontation they don't like to be mean they don't like to be perceived

as mean and they want to be everyone's friend and blah blah blah and so then they gentle parent their children and we you know then we have to deal with them once they become adults. Yeah, because like I said, a child's whole childhood is spent figuring out where the lines are. Yeah. Where's the guardrail? Where's the limit? Where's the point at which this starts to be unpleasant? Like that's their entire world is figuring that out

because that's where they're at. Boundaries. Yeah. They flourish. They thrive on boundaries and structure. world is figuring that out because that's that's where they're at and they're yeah they are they flourish they they thrive on boundaries and structure consistent boundaries yes that's yeah that's important i know you meant that but that's important because like i've seen parents that have boundaries for kids but the boundaries move all over the place and kids do kids do not do well in those environments because they never they never know what is and isn't acceptable it's it's a totally different thing so you can be a gentle

parent or stern parent but if the boundaries are constantly shifting around that kid is not going to ever know what is and isn't acceptable it would be better if if you want to call it gentle parenting but it would be better to be a gentle parent with a consistent boundary where the kid always knows if I get on this side of the line, I'm in trouble. If I stay on this side of the line, I'm good. Versus a stern parent who's trying to be disciplinarian, but the boundary is constantly shifting around. If the boundary shifts around based on whether grandma and grandpa are around,

because that's a really common thing, where some parents, they let the kids get away with murder because their parents are around or the grandparents are around and you know how fast that kid figures out I can do whatever I want when grandma and grandpa are around yeah or some parents don't like to discipline their kids in public do you know how fast that kid figures out that I can act like a hooligan to the grocery store, mom ain't going to whoop my butt. Yeah. I'm telling you, like, I think sometimes we do not give enough credit for the fact that kids are freaking little rockets, devious little rocket scientists, and they figure things out. They may not be able to vocalize it, but they figure it out.

Neil deGrasse said, kids are born scientists. I think it was Neil deGrasse that said that. Sounds like it. Yeah, kids are born scientists i think it was neil degrassi that said that kids are sounds like it yeah kids are born scientists they are natural scientists mainly just because i mean if you think about children are born they they're automatically they know how to breathe they know how to cry they know how to eat they know how to poop those are the things that the children babies know how to do but their entire life you know as a child even as an adult growing up we just oh sorry my brain's going all different places i have a i have a sign i have a poster in my classroom that says play is the i should know this because i see it every day play is the, I should know this because I see it every day, play is the best form of research or play is the, I don't know, anyway. First form of research, maybe? I can't remember what the word

is, but Albert Einstein said it. I do know that. Anyway, kids find out, their research is play. They learn through play. So a lot of times in my classroom, and for this banner especially, stern but can you be gentle, I am going to refer to what it's like to be a teacher. You have to be stern. You have to be gentle. But children need to know what the boundaries are. In my classroom, we do a lot of play. We do a lot of building blocks. We do a lot of challenges. Can you build the tower this tall? Can you build it this tall only using red blocks? Can you build it this tall only using pink and green blocks kind of thing?

And then the other thing that I wanted to say, because while you were talking, I was thinking, so I teach pre-K fourth through seventh grade, So I see all, all the grade levels at the school. I see all levels of maturity at the school. And there's two grades currently this year that stick out into my mind, um, where the teachers in the last, well, how long have we been in school? A month? Yeah, a month. The last month has been placing boundaries with these children and enforcing those boundaries with these children. And so both of them, one of the things that they both do is when they're told to line up,

if they don't line up or they keep talking or they do whatever if they're if they press the boundaries if they do something that you know steps over that boundary she makes them sit back down and then they can line up again and if it doesn't work you go sit back down and then you line up again. I didn't know that for a couple of weeks, like a couple of weeks ago, they were, they had like wasted five, 10 minutes of their recess time because they just could not stop pressing the buttons and breaking the boundaries and overstepping. And she had to do it because she has 18 children in that class and she had to do it to not be run over. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Okay. Same thing with this other teacher. They're walking from the playground to their

classroom. Well, I like to call it a blob. When they're not in a line, they're in a blob. They're in a gaggle. Yes, absolutely. But what she does is the ones who stay in the blob, who don't walk in the line, they go to the classroom, they walk back out. If they stay in a line, they get to stay in the classroom and do whatever station they're at. If they didn't, if they blobbed again, they walk back out, they come back in. She has an assistant, so the kids aren't left alone. But I just think it's important as an adult to place those boundaries. And as hard as it is,

especially for someone like me, you have to enforce the boundaries with children. You have to enforce the boundaries with adults. That is what, that's what I'm dealing with right now. That's what my sister is dealing with right now is boundaries have been set, and you have to be stern. You can be gentle, but you have to be stern to enforce the boundaries. The way I used to tell people is that my goal is to always be gentle, not for anybody else's benefit, but because I don't like going to that place that I used to go when I would get really loud and aggressive and all those things.

I tried my best to leave as much of Army Phil behind 20 years ago. Some of him is still sticking around, but I've done my best to put most of him on a shelf but I always set out to be as gentle as possible and I always tell people I'm going to be as gentle as you allow me to be

because this is the boundary if you push the boundary I'm going to push back and how hard I push back is totally up to you in this situation so if you force me to I'll go all that. I'll go get old army fill off the shelf to come and help me push the boundaries of knee beat. You don't want to get to know him. But if you can just respect my boundary, we don't have to go there.

I don't have to get loud. I don't have to get threatening. I don't have to yell. We can just have a nice calm conversation. But if you me i'm gonna i'm gonna go there so that's always kind of been my perspective is i would like to be a nice quiet gentle person but i'm willing to be confrontational if need be in regards though to who the two of us are and why i think our marriage has worked so well. You can't be the kind, gentle person. I need you to be, I thanked you last night for being my rock, for standing up against the people that I need you to help me stand up against and for you to stand behind me and keep my back straight

instead of me withering away because this is a hard conversation or it's a hard subject or it's a hard whatever with or you know interaction with certain people I am the I feel like I'm the pushover and I know I'm we're gonna get there no time like the present patient but are you a pushover i know i am the pushover i'm the people pleaser i'm the one who's always trying to make sure that no nobody's feelings are hurt and everybody's okay and we're kosher and are you okay do you still like me kind of thing there's nothing on earth more threat more frustrating than being asked four times in a row if i'm okay or anything's bothering me when i've said I'm fine.

Almost as frustrating as when... Do you want to open the can? Almost as frustrating as when my wife starts asking me silly questions about whether or not I'll still love her after all this time. And I'm just looking at you like, you're freaking nuts. Of course I do. I gave you my last name. That's a big deal to me.

I don't know where to go with this. They may see M-U-R-D-E-R on the show. That would be ill-advised because there are witnesses. I ask you over and over again if you're okay because it comes from a place of constant worry that if you're not okay, I'm not doing my job. And then if I'm not doing my job, you're going to notice that I'm not doing my job, and then you're going to just discard me. That's too much silence on a podcast. No, for the audience that's listening to this on audio,

I'm looking at her like she is about the third craziest human being on the planet Earth right now. Third's not bad. I'll take third. Out of four billion people? Oh. I thought you meant like in your life.

No. No, like on the Earth. Of all of God's precious little humans, you are the third craziest. Whatever. Am I patient? You're. Whatever. Am I patient? You're extremely patient. Am I?

Yes. You are patient, I would say, to a fault sometimes. Because on the one hand... You're going to have to explain that. Okay. So on the one hand, you have demonstrated over 19 years of us being together that you have the ability... Oh, patient with you? No, with people in general.

You are far more patient than I am, far more forgiving, far quicker to show a person grace when they're misbehaving. And I've said before, and I really do, I admire that in you, but I do feel like you do reach a point where you begin to excuse poor behavior to the degree that, like way past the degree that I would have cut it off, but even to the point where like almost anyone around you is saying, Gillian, what are you doing? Like this person is not treating you right. Why are you sticking around? And that's been friends, family members, jobs. I'm listening. I'm just saying, like you said, you started this off by saying you are a people pleaser.

And I totally get that. But there's a, I feel like, you know, for the people who fall into this, where they are people pleasers, they are people who want to be, you know, like, they're not confrontational, whatever, wherever it spawns from. There's got to be a line where you eventually say, I know I want to, I know I want to people please, but I also know that I have to enforce a boundary here. So, I would say probably about 20 years ago, I was going through a quarter-life crisis, if you will, right? 20 years? Like right before you and I met? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

I wasn't around for this. I'm going to be listening with rapt attention. Well, no, I think it, okay, maybe not a quarter-life crisis, but anyway, I was going through a hard phase or whatever. And one of the things that I kept praying for was a backbone. I wish I had had a backbone. I wish I had a backbone. Please let me have a backbone. I still feel like that. I still feel like I, well, I feel like I've gotten, it's my backbone has solidified

a little bit, but I still wish sometimes that I could just be that no nonsense. Here's what it is. Either you like it or you don't like it. Either you take it or you don't take it kind of person. And I, I don't know, maybe I'm just not ever supposed to be that person maybe that's just why I was put here on earth was to not be one of those people because we needed more people like myself but there are times where I still feel like I've got to I've set the boundary I've got to keep at this boundary you know I'm saying like I have to have a backbone for this I do think I've gotten better at being stronger about that. You've definitely pulled a Grinch and your backbone has grown three sizes.

I've pulled a what? The Grinch. Heart grew so many sizes. Backbone grew so many sizes. God, your analogies sometimes are just like, what are you talking about? Okay, so my backbone has grown three sizes. Okay. If you say so.

I don't know. I think, though, because I am such a pushover, maybe I'm not as much of a pushover as I used to be. I don't know. You're not because just in the last, like, 12 months, you've really been very concerted and consistent i might add about like about telling yourself this person has done something that's unacceptable and i i have to react based on that yeah you know sometimes there is like you and i talk about all the time that the story of the

frog and the scorpion for anybody the audience doesn't know the the scorpion wants to ride on the frogs back to get across the river river know, the scorpion wants to ride on the frog's back to get across a river. The river is halfway across. The scorpion stings the frog. They both drown. And as the frog is drowning, he asks the scorpion, why did you sting me? Now we're both going to die. And the scorpion says, because I'm a scorpion.

So I always use that analogy to tell people you can't be upset when a person is who you knew they were because you knew who they were. And you also can't change a scorpion from being a scorpion right you have to accept the fact that that person can never honor your boundary because it's not in them to do so therefore you have to not let them get on your back to get across the river i wonder if my sister is still watching. Yes. Oh, she is. Phil just said something to you. And me. And me.

Sorry. But that's the truth. I mean, that's, trust me, that is really, really hard to swallow. Because, like, I feel like most of us were taught as young children that like people can change, people can change, people can change who they are. They, a tiger could change his stripes and so on and so forth. But like, I don't believe in most, I believe in all cases that you can only change if you want to change.

And the ugly truth of the matter is that most people do not want to change. They are emotionally at peace being exactly who they are or they've rationalized it some kind of way to say that there's nothing wrong with the way they are it's everybody else which you know you and i talked the other day and i made the comment i'm like if you got that one person that's mad at everybody what's the common denominator it ain't everybody it's the person who's mad about everybody yeah so when when there's one person and yet phoebe phoebe just said they don't want to put in the effort and it's it's more than that i don't think it's they don't want to put in the effort i don't think

they recognize that there's effort to be put yeah that there's change that needs to be made i am perfect and without fault that if everybody else is mad, that's their problem. Tell me if that sounds familiar. Or I did nothing wrong. It was a misunderstanding. Or you misunderstood me. Or you misheard me. Or that's not what I said. Or any of 10,000 reasons why the thing you're upset about. It's ivory, not white. Or it's a medical issue. My point is that there could be 10,000 reasons why this person is not accountable for their actions. But at the end of the day, I go back to the idea that if you're an adult, you have to be accountable for your actions. Yeah.

We just were talking about this, being for their your actions right before the show started yep and again you know going back to this banner there is a place for patience there is a place for patience there are truly there are truly moments when a person like they are failing through no lack of effort and through no malice. And in those moments, being patient is God's sin. You and I have had moments where something has been emotionally overwhelming us and we're just not ourselves. You're withdrawn. I'm cold and distant because I'm at my wit's end. That happens. And those are moments where you have to accept the fact that this person's not themselves right now because of stuff going on. and I can see that they're not themselves,

and I know that given a minute they'll be themselves again. So this is not a moment in time where I need to be an a-hole. I need to be patient. You and I have talked about the fact that there are times when I perceive that you're a little more irritable than others for some reason. And I will literally have a conversation in my head and be like, she's having a moment. She's having a bad day.

She's, you know, she's snapping about things she would not normally snap at. Like this is not, this is not the normal pattern of behavior for my wife. So rather than, rather than swallow the bait and jump back when she jumps at me, I'm just going to be a little more patient than usual. I'm going to try to give her a little bit

of grace. I'm going to try to let her break away from me and kind of like circle her own wagons, knowing that she's going to come back. Let me set the pace. Yeah. But that's a temporary giving of grace for a temporary situation when it's a long-standing when it's a long-standing inability to respect you as a person your emotions your boundaries that's not a moment for patience that's a moment for that's a moment to either be a pushover or push back okay i hear you. So I wrote all of these. Were there any personality traits that you could think of I might have overlooked? I don't, but if anybody listening wants to put something in the comments and add to that, and we have time for this episode.

But I don't have anything else to add, really, as far as self-reliant. Wait, go back. Go back where? Go back to the banner so I can read it. Self-reliant, persistent, stern, patient, and then you have the four that go opposites of that, asking for help, being stubborn, gentle, and a pushover.

I think that kind of covers it, but Stuart said something. Stuart, Stuart, Stuart. Stuart said, like my dark and twisted humor, I find humor in everything even when I shouldn't. So, let's just say that I might have gotten some really ugly looks over the years because at moments when things were very tense, I injected humor and it was not always received well.

That's happened a time or two. Well, it's like you said last night. You were telling Piper that, oh, that one's not on here. The overshare. Oh. Anxious, but you overshare. Anxious, I don't remember how you put it, but anxious, but oversharing. So introvert, extrovert.

Those are some I should have included banners for, but we can talk about before we wrap up. Yeah. Like, I, and this is going to sound really odd. I have told people this that know me through podcasting, and they're always shocked to hear me say I'm an introvert. Big time. And Gillian knows that I'm a major introvert. Like, right now, I am not talking to the internet. I'm talking to my wife in front of a camera.

With a few friends. That's the way I have to compartmentalize that, though. Because, like, I started podcasting eight years ago because I felt like there was a message that needed to get out, and I didn't hear a lot of other people trying to get it out at the time. So I put myself out there, but Gillian knows you put me up on a stage in front of 20 people, and I am internally having a panic attack. I don't like being in front of people. I am not an extrovert.

I am not a crowd person. I'm not an extrovert. I'm not a crowd person. I'm not a give speech person. I could talk the ears off a brass monkey behind a microphone, but I'm an introvert. And as a result, I get into this really weird position when we go out and we're in a social setting where I either sit there like a piece of wallpaper and barely say a word to anybody, or I go completely opposite opposite direction and overshare it because I'm just so freaking anxious about being around a bunch of people. And there is no talking me out of it. There is no, like...

Hinting. I'm trying to get better about picking up the hints, but it is purely oversharing from a position of anxiety, But it's just, it is purely overshared from a position of anxiety, which makes no sense to anybody who knows me through podcasting. Because I've even had people ask me, like, how in the world can you be an introvert and you do this? And I'm like, because I'm not talking to the Internet. I'm not. I'm talking to Andrew and Nick and maybe a guest here and there.

Like, that's it. In my brain, those are the only people that are there and the fact that it then goes out on the internet for hundreds or thousands of people to listen to just doesn't even penetrate my brain because if it did i would it'd be difficult to keep doing it so as someone who has um done public speaking her entire career yes since college it is easier and then i know that i've talked to other people who've done this but when i worked for audubon i had to give animal chats or golf chats or whatever habitat chats in front of in front of thousands of people at a time thousands like there would there would be summers when everyone was at the aquarium. Maybe it's a rainy day and they wanted to come see the sharks get fed. And guess who got to lead that chat and explain what they were seeing in the exhibit? It was me. It was me. Well, it wasn't just me.

But anyway, it's so much easier to talk in front of a crowd of 1,000 people than it is to talk in front of a crowd of 20 people. It's easier for me to talk to children because I teach every day and I see these kids every day. But when you ask me to stand in front of their parents at the beginning of the year and tell them everything that we're doing in the STEM classroom, I, heart palpitations, I just, oh man, I hate it. I hate it. And this is how much I hate it. When the new calendar comes out at the end of the year for the next year, that's one of the first things I see is when is parent night? When do I have to have my speech ready to talk in front of the parents? And it's the parents of everybody. It's, you know, we break

it down from pre-K to third and then fourth through seventh. So I have to talk to all of these parents. Not everybody comes, but we're a small enough school that, you know, there's five rows of six chairs. And so it's not a lot of people. And it's so hard to talk in front of a smaller crowd. Which makes me twist my head because like, not only is she most of the kids' favorite teacher, which by default means all the parents know who you are. Yeah. Everybody. I mean, besides pre-K teachers. I mean, pre-K parents because they're new to the school. Yeah. Yeah. And I teach their kids every year. So it's not like, you know, I have them for third grade and then they go away. That's not the case. I see everybody all year.

And quite frankly, you know some of these parents socially because, like, you know, we have kids that are the same age as our child. Oh, yeah. So, you know, we have kids that are the same age as our child. So, you know. Yeah. Stuart's comment says, you're on the internet for your therapy hour and you're worried about oversharing. I'm not worried about oversharing. Did I say that? Well, okay.

So when we first started podcasting for Raising Values, there were some topics you were very, very, very averse to getting into. Yeah, it was my family. It was airing out dirty laundry and the life that I grew up in and all that stuff. But maybe this is the backbone that has solidified, and maybe it is Phil's voice finally resonating in my ears. If people do something, what do you say? If a person is embarrassed about having their deeds aired out, it's because they know they were wrong.

Yeah. And I do. I do use this as my therapy. And it works and it helps. So thanks, Stuart, for listening, calling me out. No. But how can, well, you know what, come think of it, I feel like we started talking about being an introvert,

but I feel like being an extrovert can also carry its own baggage because, you know, sometimes having that really big circle of friends that you're very, that are very familiar with you sometimes means that. I used to be an extrovert. I don't think I'm an extrovert anymore. I think I can easily slide back into being an extrovert. It's not hard for me to be the first one to approach someone or, you know, lead the party or anything like that. But I would rather stay home. I would rather, you know, watch a movie on the couch. I would rather not go out and eat dinner with the girls.

I would rather not do any of that stuff. Does that make me an introvert? I would rather not do any of that stuff. Does that make me an introvert? Maybe introvert, maybe homebody. Yeah, Phoebe is saying she's an extrovert and she can overshare at the drop of a hat. I overshare. Obviously, I overshare. I have a whole podcast to overshare with, but I do overshare with people.

I have stopped myself, though, because there have been so many times when I've walked away from someone or an instance or, you know, something I've been a part of and I walk away going, why the hell did you say all that? Like, oh my God, they're going to be wondering what is wrong with this woman? And you know, why did you say all that? And so I, I have done a much better job of listening to my internal voice going, you know what? You really don't need to say that. You really don't. Why do you need to add anything to this conversation? Why do you need to tell them your part of the story? Or why do you need to give a for instance from your perspective or anything like that?

You don't have to add anything. So I stopped adding things and I stopped talking which is fine with me because even though i am on the internet the less people know about me the better isn't that weird there's one you're a podcaster but you don't want people to know anything about you i think you might have missed a step babe i think i did that's okay what else is that it well just the last word which is a wrap-up like i think i think the real key to not i feel like the real key to any one of these things we've talked about today is to find balance like any one of these things like starting off with like self-reli, but can you ask for help?

Being self-reliant is a good thing. Being able to take care of yourself, wanting to take care of yourself, that's a good thing. But the balance is, when I absolutely cannot do this by myself, can I humbly ask somebody else for help and not hold it over my own head? I feel like with every one of these personality traits, it's not the trait that becomes the problem it's the extreme of the trait it's not being able to switch back and forth as the as the situation dictates if that makes sense and i feel like you know when we do fall into those those pits where we're all one way or all the other i I feel like that's where we start to struggle in life. It's not being patient or being a pushover.

It's can you transition back and forth as situation dictates. There are times when, I mean, like, you know, you and Piper the other day hit me up, or actually, no, it was Piper, but you weren't fighting her. But you all hit me up about actually no it was piper but you weren't fighting her but y'all hit me up about like going out to eat i didn't know such thing but in any case there there's a there's a time to say i've got the money we're not we're not we're not destitute and it would really make the girls night to go out to eat and then there's a time to say, I really need to hold onto this money

because we need it for something, which I've done. And being able to navigate when it's appropriate to use each one of those options is where we get balance, where you don't default to just one position all the time. I love how you use that as an example to wrap the show up, taking your girls home to eat or not. I'll be the first to admit, when it comes to you and Piper, I am a pushover in a lot of ways. It's recorded. It is. I have a heart.

It's not that I can't say no. I don't like saying no. Aw. I will do it if it's like, you know, financial responsibility, self-preservation. If I think the right thing to do is to say no, then I'll-preservation if I think if I think the right thing to do is to say no then I'll do it even if I don't like doing it but that's also an aspect of my personality that we didn't really talk about is I will do what I think is the right thing to do regardless of whether or not I want to do it no matter how painful it is no matter how you know

does it doesn't matter to me. This is the right thing to do. That's what I'm going to do. And I will gut it out no matter what it takes. But probably the hardest thing I have to do on a regular basis is tell you or her no. Because I don't like doing it. I would rather, I'd rather just be able to say yes all the time and spoil y'all both rotten, but sometimes that's just not the right thing to do i guess not i guess not that's recorded on the internet now too okay well we do have to go ahead and wrap this episode up i have to clock in and go to work well probably in about 45 minutes but

i thought it was a good topic like i said this is one of those things that just came up with the patrons and we were talking back and forth about it and i i saw that opportunity to to have that discussion because i feel like a lot of us fall a lot of us see a person now like we could recognize a personality trait in ourselves but sometimes i don't think we can see that that personality trait might cut both directions. Yep. Okay.

Well, thanks for joining us. Thanks for being a part of the comment section, everybody who was here and listening and then all that good stuff. So hope y'all have a great rest of your weekend. I know it's Sunday. Start to the work day. Start to the work week, I mean. So thanks for joining us, guys. We'll see y'all next week. Bye, everybody. Thank you.