The Prepper Broadcasting Network - Raising Values: Trauma Bonding

Episode Date: September 1, 2024

https://www.facebook.com/RaisingValuesPodcast/www.pbnfamily.comhttps://www.instagram.com/raisingvaluespodcast/http://www.mofpodcast.com/www.prepperbroadcasting.comhttps://rumble.com/user/Mofpodcastwww.youtube.com/user/philrabSupport the showMerch at: https://southerngalscrafts.myshopify.com/Shop at Amazon: http://amzn.to/2ora9riPatreon: https://www.patreon.com/mofpodcastThere exists a phenoma known as trauma bonding, in which people that share a time of hardship forge a very close emotional bond while surviving these times. Phil, Gillian, and Gillian's oldest sister discuss their experiences with trauma bonding, for better or worst, and how to move beyond the trauma.Raising Values Podcast is live-streaming our podcast on our YouTube channel, Facebook page, and Rumble. See the links above, join in the live chat, and see the faces behind the voices.family, traditional, values, christian, spiritual, marriage, dating, relationship, children, growing up, peace, wisdom, self improvement, masculinity, feminity, masculine, feminine

Welcome to the Raising Values Podcast, where the traditional family talks. You can find us on iTunes, Stitcher, and Spotify, and be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. You can support the Raising Values Podcast through Patreon. Bill and Gillian are behind the mic, and we hope you enjoy the show. welcome back to raising values good morning everybody i was jamming out we never have um headphones on so i got to hear our intro music this morning so i was like yeah that was fun um the reason we have on headphones this morning is because we have a special guest and she is special in many ways my sister Phoebe is out of the comment section and she is on with us live this morning so she is hailing from Lafayette Louisiana and she was just telling us about all the things that they're

cooking this week and it makes me really jealous and sad. And I don't really want to go over to her house and eat. But anyway, welcome back to Gillian's Therapy Hour, where we discuss the trauma that is happening in my life and Phoebe's. And that's why she's on today. But I appreciate you all being on and dealing with this i know um i think last week is um i said this on the show but phil um you know we always talk about what are we going to talk about what are we going to talk about this week on on the show and phil is always like we just need to talk about what's going on in our lives and that makes it so much easier to do but i had so many hang-ups with doing that because the things that are going on in my

life are very personal. And it is, in a sense, airing dirty laundry. And I said that I would never do that, especially while people were still alive, you know, that I was talking about. But it makes for a good show. And I'll get to that in a minute. And true, it is kind of like therapy for me too. So there are some things that we have to talk about first. So Prepper Camp is a month away, guys. Oh my gosh, it is a month and two days away. And I'm so excited. I've already got my substitutes lined up. Lesson plans are done. I am ready to pack the truck and go. And we've been looking at the weather up in Saluda, North Carolina. The high has been in the 70s right now. Yeah.

And the lows are in the 50s. So it's perfect camping weather up there. I believe that you can still purchase tickets. I believe tickets are still for sale. I will say that, like, as I usually do when we get to this time of the year, if somebody still wants to go, tickets are available. Campsites at Orchard Lake are going to be tricky. So I would say.

I don't think there's anything available campsite wise. So all I will say is in past years, there's always last minute cancellation. So, like, if you're dead set, you want to go. I would say start looking at, like, Airbnbs. dead set you want to go i would say start looking at like airbnbs there's there there are a couple of hotel options within 30 to 45 minutes drive so that you won't be able to stay at orchard lake but you'll be able to come in and then go home you know go home in the afternoons so like there's definitely options available if somebody still wants to make that trip and if you're within a few hours of saluda north carolina it's a a day trip in and out. So it's a really incredible event and it's a fun time. And if you're at all interested in preparedness or survivalism or just a family being able to take care of themselves, self-rescue when everything goes to hell in a handbasket, this is a good place to meet other people who are also on that journey

and just get knowledge dumps from people because the people that teach classes out there and honestly a lot of people who just come out to the event for the camaraderie they're subject matter experts in the things that they know yeah um phil and Nick just did a really good show with the godfather of prepping, Rick Austin, who him and his wife are the founders of Prepper Camp. Phil, Andrew and Nick. But, you know, Nick is one of, matter of fact, newest hosts, but he won't be at Prepper Camp this year. But Phil and Andrew will be and they will be podcasting live. Are you all doing some live shows? It won't be live. Okay.

But you can come meet the guys. They are the official podcasters for Prepper Camp, though. The whole Prepper Broadcasting Network is. Prepper Broadcasting Network. That's what we're all on. Actually, I think we'll all be there this year. Hopefully. I think Prepper Broadcasting Network. Anyway. Hopefully, I think prepper broadcasting.

I would say comfortably 90% of prepper broadcast network will be out there in one past year or another. Several of them are teaching classes. I have told Rick, if someone drops out the last second, you need a class taught, like call me and I'll figure something out to fill in the gap. fill in the gap but like my intention with matter of facts really is to go out there and record content try to grab showgoers bring them into the show get their viewpoint of the event and just be an ambassador for pbn and ambassador for prepper camp to yeah you know the audience yeah so um head over to check out that show that they did with rick austin um pretty amazing um it's always fun to have him on it's always like when rick comes on countdown to proper camp has begun the official countdown and it always looks like so much fun y'all look like y'all have the best time it's so

it's a work trip for us but it is the trip that i am always most excited about in the year. I was bummed that I missed it last year. That will never happen again. So it is, it is so much fun. And it's like, it's almost like going home because you're with a bunch of people there that think like you, they do the same things you do. You're not oddball out, you know, prepper weirdo living in a bunker, waiting for the zombies to attack you're you're learning

basic life skills um so it's always fun and it's beautiful north carolina so how how can you go go wrong with that merchandise um we've said it we'll say it again and again and again there's new merch on the site for raising values and for matter of facts um you the it's in the show notes the link is in the show notes so you can head over to um southern gals i always butcher this it's it's in the show in the show notes in the show notes there's a thing that says merch and there's a link right next to it you can't miss it go there um i'm wearing one of our shirts today first of all i'm a delight with my king um my angry possum um it's my favorite shirt and it always gets people to stop in the grocery store and say oh i like your shirt um other thing that's new is so we have

a matter of facts patron signal chat so all of our patrons that care to join the the nerds over and matter of facts we we have a signal chat and you know that chat you gotta you gotta turn it off sometimes it's it just goes and goes but we did have a listener who is a patron who asked if we could have a raising value signal chat and um i thought about it for about 20 minutes and i was like yeah why not um so we we now have a raising values patron chat. Um, so if you are a patron for matter of facts, you're all, all, um, automatically a patron to raising values surprise. And you can come over to that chat as well, where we won't be talking about just guns, politics, and, um, prepping. We'll be talking about everyday life kind of stuff, um, which I think is what we need, which is

one of the things that I wanted to talk about this morning um the the patron that reached out to me to start this chat um really well she made me cry first of all but i wanted to read this to you because i when i started this chat when when phil and and I started this podcast, um, over a year ago, Phil came to me, well, I went to Phil and I said, I think, I think this could be beneficial. I think I have a lot to talk about. I've been through a lot. I think we could really discuss some things, some like deep things on this, on this podcast. And he said, well, do you think you have enough content? I said, yeah, I think I do. Let's do it. So we did it. And here we are over a year later. But I always question, am I doing the right thing?

Am I saying the right thing? Are we reaching people? You know, we don't have a lot of, we get a lot of listeners, but we don't have a lot of interaction with the people that listen to our podcast, especially Raising Values. But this this she texted me this and i get this from listeners sometimes and sometimes i get it from people i don't even know they'll message me on instagram or facebook say they listen to this show and this is how it impacted them and it's always nice to see that the things that we are doing on raising values does impact people um so i'm going to read this really quick. And I'm sorry to our friend if she didn't want me to read this, but it impacted me. So I wanted to say this too. So

recently, I have to give a little backstory. Recently, we've been discussing a lot of my history and my sister's, both of my sister's history growing up and the trauma and abuse that we have been through and continue to go through. And like I said, it's been hard to discuss because I don't ever, you know, my personality is to never throw anyone under the bus, don't create waves, always be the peacemaker, yada, yada, yada. And so I am trying to break away from that and to set boundaries and all that stuff. And so she said, the way I see it, past trauma is a destroyed building site that's burned down and pillaged. And you decided not to just look at it each day and its ugliness, but instead you found a way to plant flowers. It doesn't change the damage of what happened, but it does create something new and valuable beyond that destroyed ground and you give those flowers to your listeners not grateful

for the damaged site but grateful that you could grow flowers out of the damage that you couldn't avoid and my God I sent that to you Phoebe I sent that to our other sister Gabriel and I was like um and I even sent it to Bailey and I was like uh ladies you need to read this um it hit home and it was like wow um we went back and forth with uh you know the conversation she comes from an abusive home too um and uh this has just i think talking about these things does help people. And for so long, I wanted to just keep it hush hush because, one, that's what you do. You don't talk about the dirty laundry. You don't air it out.

You especially don't put your parents in bad light. You don't put your family in a bad light. You know, how dare you? And then I just always have Phil in the back of my head saying, well, if they're ashamed of what they did, then they shouldn't have done it. I mean, not to sound like the hyper-rational pragmatist that I usually am, but like, yeah, if you're ashamed, it's because you know you screwed up. Right. And you, and in the same breath, truth is the ultimate defense against slander. Right. Like if you're telling the truth

you can be mad but you can't be mad at what i said because i told the truth yeah right so i didn't do a real good introduction to phoebe she's been on the show before we've had conversations in the past of phoebe's um journey through addiction um family disease and and things like that. And Phoebe and I weren't always the best of friends. We weren't. We were sisters. We were sisters. She is five years older than me. I still would take the diapers over the kids anyway, you know. you know? Well, thanks. But Phoebe and I, our relationship took a turn. She was in active addiction. She was dying. She was dying. And I called the police to have her arrested and figure out a way that I wasn't going to lose my sister. that was my biggest fear is that i was going to lose my sister to addiction and it was one of the hardest moments i will never forget it it was

something that um i didn't think i could ever do and i did it and she hated me for it for so long she hated me but now we are best of friends um she is um she has been clean and sober for how long just my heart just jumps for that it's just it's so it's so good to hear that and you've come such a long way and we've kind of talked about this, especially on that show that we did. It's probably been a year now since we've done that show. One of the first ones. Yeah. You and Andrew, your fiance's soon-to-be husband in just a few months, a couple of months. 80 days.

We talked about your addiction and why you started, why you you turned to drugs why you turned to alcohol and things like that and one of those things I had and you blew me away and I wasn't ready for it um was because of the abuse that you received as a child and I've said this before on this podcast my sisters both of my sisters were physically more physically abused than i was i was more emotionally manipulated and abused and that's that sense and that is what i'm trying to break away from now because that abuse still happens and luckily for my sisters they they have been able to break away from that. They've been able to put up their boundaries and block that abuse.

And block just simply like block the person. Block it on their phone. Block it from entering their lives. And that's what I'm trying to deal with. So what we're talking about today, the title of the episode is trauma bonding. And my sister Phoebe said this on the phone. You know, we were talking this week about things and we always we always go ask the question, well, have you

heard from mom and dad? Have you heard from? Have you heard from anyone over in that area? And then we stopped for a second. We asked ourselves, why, why are we nothing? If anything major is happening, we'll, we'll hear about it. Right. We'll hear about it. So I started thinking about, well, first I said trauma bonding.

That's it. That's what we need to talk about this week. And Phoebe, can you please be on the show? And how we, we we said and i don't know if you did this because i never got back to you you're like i'm going to text gabriel as soon as i get off the phone with you and we're we're going to like cut this off now we're not going to do this trauma bonding um but what i did and i'll let you talk in just a second i'm sorry no you're fine keep going what i did was i did a really quick wiki like a internet search on trauma bonding what is it um what you know what is it what is trauma bonding so i wanted to read this part because what i thought trauma bonding was according to the interwebs it's not trauma bonding is an intense emotional

connection or attachment that can be formed between people who experience a traumatic event so it is what you and I talked about the way that we bond over the trauma that we've been through and go through such as a couple who experience a car accident or pregnancy loss. It can also occur when a person experiencing abuse develops an unhealthy attachment to their abuser. So you and I and Gabriel and Bailey,

not so much Bailey. Bailey is Phoebe's daughter, by the way, who was also raised by our parents. Yeah. So anyway, we often trauma bond in that way. We talk about what's happened, what did you hear today? What did you get? What did I get?

And we do this whole round robrobin of our experiences in daily life right and what the aha moment was this week was we have to stop doing that I'm trying to build boundaries and with those boundaries means that I need to stake take a step back and so I don't need to know what you talked to them about. If it doesn't, if it doesn't directly affect me, then I need to just leave it alone. Because what I told Phil this, this last week was, I am tired of, I am tired of my day being constantly filled with that. I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of thinking about it I'm tired of um talking about it I'm tired of asking about it I'm tired of constantly being triggered by it I you know I'm I've got to

start breaking away from those that thing those that trauma and and so I need to stop talking about it with you guys my sisters and my niece um but that doesn't mean that we can't come together and vent that doesn't mean that that can't happen but it just doesn't need to take 90 of our our day kind of thing yeah um so i did want to read just a few of these because this list of signs and symptoms of trauma bonding is it's forever long but as I read through this I was like I was thinking holy crap this is me trauma bonded to my abusers and baby I know when I read these you're gonna be like yeah I told you uh-huh told you that one too um yeah I told you that one i want to and phil is right bill's

going to be like uh-huh i think i said that one too rationalizing or defending the abuser's action how many text messages have you received from me that said okay but if you call be nice remember that don't make way yeah be nice and remember that they're having a hard time remember that blah blah blah be nice feeling a sense of loyalty to the abuser isolating from others how many times have I pulled away

you're getting closer to the camera and Phil is kicking me with his knee going uh huh wait it gets better. Hoping that the abuser's behavior will change, having an intense fear or hesitation about leaving the relationship, constantly covering up or making excuses for the abuser's behavior, believing the mistreatment is your fault or that you deserve it, believing that, I'm sorry, feeling close to the abuser, even if you haven't known them for a long, but I've known them for 40 years,

being willing to make major life changes for a relatively new relationship. life changes for a relatively new relationship. And then trauma bonding can have severe detrimental effects on the victim, including remaining in the abusive relationship, adverse mental health outcomes like low self-esteem and negative self-image, an increased likelihood of depression and bipolar disorder, perpetuating a generational cycle of abuse. And then I'm going to come back to this one. This one is some ways to work on detoxing from a traumatic bond. And then we'll kind of, we'll go through that in a minute. But I wanted to kind of focus on those things. I think I checked off every one as I went. Every one. I think I checked off everyone as I went everyone and at some point you did too I um oh absolutely and so did our other sister and I I should have asked her to come on too and it

would have been it would have been quite the show and then Phil would have been like yeah I'm not coming on yeah you can do this one um I have done every single one of those and, and I have done every single one of those up until probably last week. Um, I do feel like there have been times when I have cut off the abuse. I have, you know, cut off communication, but I always go back. And that is my fear now is that I'm gonna go back um but in a way I I feel different I feel like my energy is different I feel like I've I've hit my wall of of um wanting to be in and do this you know I I want to I will always be there

this you know i i want to i will always be there in emergencies medical crisis whatever but i cannot show up in the way that i've always showed up i can't and i cannot allow my emotions and my power to be held hostage anymore yeah um well and I would also say that you can't allow your emotions to be manipulated. Because like you and I talked about, like in my perspective, it's a totally different thing if we get the call and it's someone needs physical help, you know what I'm saying? To guard their immediate emotional wellbeing.

It's a totally different thing if what's being happened is there's an attempt to manipulate and we're being drug in the middle of somebody else's fight you know i'm saying like if you and i in this family have to set some very clear boundaries about these are the things we're willing to be involved in and these are the things that we're we're not even going to address and it has to be that cut and dry of, if this is you two are fighting with each other and you're calling looking for allies, we're not involved in this.

If you two are fighting and that's the reason that we're getting called over to help do this or help do that because you can't figure out how to manipulate the other partner into doing it for you, we're not getting involved. You two be adults and work it out.

But it's not i don't believe you're trying to like remove a familial obligation to help your parents i believe what you're trying to do which i think is appropriate is you're trying to remove the ability for you to be manipulated emotionally. Yes. Well, and you know, for so long, we were emotionally hijacked, basically. You know, we were manipulated and torn between mom, dad, you know, hate your dad, hate your mom. You know, if you don't love me, if you side with her, you don't love me.

If you side with him and, you know, doing, I think the other day you said something about Stockholm syndrome and Stockholm. I did, but yeah, Phil said that I, that's what I have. And, and, you know, I was thinking about that and it's like, you know, you're basically being emotionally kidnapped and you have, you know, we've been so loyal to them for so long. It's hard to just jump out of a relationship with your parents, especially, you know, because you do want to help them and you do want to love them,

but there has to be a fine line drawn in the sand, you know, from, from everybody's point of view, because narcissists and manipulators will always try to move that line and try to erase it just to get what they want. True. And we see that all the time. And, you know, it's really crazy because when you live in, when you live in this type of environment for so long and you you start to understand what's happening to you you can see it in other people and it's not just family but seeing it in maybe people in your friends group or seeing it in your co-workers and i i do a really good job i believe i do a really good job when they're not part of my family. I can totally shut off relationships. I can break it off. I can, no. There have been some friendships that I said for years were toxic in

one side that you continued to foster until you finally had enough. And in my opinion, you tolerated those friendships in some cases for years longer than I would have because I'm not willing to be in a one-sided relationship. But, and I've done the same thing, but I think what is different between that is we want to fix them. We want to help them to death. You know what I'm saying? We want to be able to fix that. I'm a fixer. I'm a fixer. I'm a people pleaser. I'm a fixer. I will a fixer. I'm a people pleaser. I'm a fixer. I will help you through your trauma. I will help you through your stress and your, you know, whatever.

But it's because I have so many places to pull from. Like I have the experience to help you with that. But what I have to do and what this year has been to me is i have to give my own medicine to myself i have to phil you can't hear it but his head is is doing this giant bob yes yeah and inside my head there's a little phil screaming at the top of his lungs i've been saying that for years i know but it takes time. It takes time for someone to Come to that conclusion not just come to that conclusion But be comfortable with taking care of themselves because all I've ever done is taking care of other people. I

I get anxiety when I can't When I can't help that person. You know, I go to extremes to help those people. And Phoebe, I don't talk about the beginning of your recovery to like push that in your face or anything but no when it was time to call the police and have Phoebe you know start down that path I I was I was not okay I was I was an emotional wreck but I was okay with making that decision because she needed that help i i had to help her because you weren't getting it from anyone else no you weren't you weren't going to

do it yourself um absolutely not um but the the hard decision needed to be made and what what really sucks is that the two people that should have been making that decision couldn't and wouldn't. Wouldn't, yeah. Wouldn't. And as I recall, because I don't remember the particulars around that moment in time, but I do remember being very supportive of you saying basically like, look, you and I both know where this ends if she doesn't get help. So the decision you're making is not stand by my sister or betray her.

It is literally save her life by giving her what she doesn't want or give her what she wants and bury her in a couple of weeks. Like that's where we're at. Yeah. Which. Well, you know, and aside from burying in a couple of weeks, that's the same thing with our parents. Either give them what they want. Yeah. Or be punished mentally, emotionally, physically.

Well, I'm currently being punished. You are currently being punished. When I realized this, it was a weight lifted off my shoulder because it wasn't me making that decision. wasn't me making that decision. You know, it made it, it, it makes it easier to, to, to cut that off because they're making the decision to cut me off, which is fine. That's totally fine. It makes it easier. I don't feel the guilt of having not called or having not texted because one, I've done those things. They weren't received and, um, or I was hung up on. So it made it easier to, to, to feel better about putting those boundaries up. Um, and that's just what it is. So I, in my head, I'm, I'm able to sleep a little bit better because

I've done what I can, at least emotionally, the process that I would take, personally would take, I've done. And I've reached out and I've talked to a lot of people. But, you know, it is what it is at this point. I don't remember where I was going with that, because I started thinking about something else. And anyway, the squirrel ran up the tree and you started barking. Anyway, so back to Don't say squirrel too loud. Oh, no. Yeah, don't. Um, so kind of back to the topic of trauma bonding. And that's something that we've always done even, I

think even when we were younger, and when we were kids, I don't know, there's so much I don't remember. And then so much I didn't know that happened in our house. Like I said, with that show that you were on at the beginning when we first started this, you had said something out loud. And I was like, wait, what? I had no idea that that happened to you. loud. And I was like, wait, what? I had no idea that that happened to you, which has stuck with me since and kind of started the ball rolling on. This isn't good. This isn't healthy. This can't happen. What? That happened? And whatever. Anyway, it kind of just, yeah, it kind of threw me for a loop. But I can remember now because you are

older than us and i like to remind you of that you when i was 10 you were 15 and so your life was somewhere else you know i was a 10 year old so what fourth grade third fourth grade and you were high school so i had gabrielle and we shared a room and a living room um but i can remember bonding with her over a lot of things i can remember like kneeling next to her bed while she cried or whatever and talking to her through some things. So we, as kids, we kind of trauma bonded, mainly just to kind of work through the scary things that were happening and the things that we were questioning and why did this happen or what did you do and, you know, you did that and you got that kind of punishment.

Like it was always kind of we talked through it kind of like that. But once we became adults and realized how freaking messed up things were in our house, that's when, well, it really, we really didn't even do it then uh because and i'm going to say this and please don't get your feelings hurt because bailey went through the same thing bailey when she when she had to move in with mom and dad she was raised the same way and she was the one who raised the flag and said hey guys um this isn't right and i need to get out of here and how are we going to who's going to help me do this and i think i don't know where well i know where you were you were in active addiction at that point it's funny we keep having people come in and out and they're like nope we're not watching this today um it's crazy we usually have like four or five people that actively watch and we are at zero.

But anyway, you were in active addiction. I was still very much holding on to the romantic thought of my parents on a pedestal kind of thing. Gabri, well, first off off gabrie lives five hours away so she's she was always kind of out of touch with everything um and she had her own children and family which is you know fine i should have listened looking back now, I should have listened and was like, you know, this child is crying out for help. I know what she's saying because, you know, we went through those things. We said the same thing. We did say the same thing.

But in a sense, Phoebe, we didn't. Because some of the things that she said. Oh, Jennifer's here. I wonder why it's not showing up that you're here anyway some of the things that she said that was happening to her I don't remember happening to us um like being fed medication or you know her her food being cooked with different medicines so that she'd go to sleep at night um Which I still, I still think about that and go, what the hell? What the hell?

I will, I will always privately harbor this, this what if in my head, because if you remember right before the decision was made for her to go live with your parents, you and I had had a conversation about not, can we make this work? but if Bailey had to go stay with somebody we'd have the conversation of basically having to come live with us yeah that we would take her in and I'm not gonna say things would have been fun because you know we were living in a one-bedroom apartment at the time yeah we were both trying to make it ourselves but you and I basically said if she needs a place to go, she's coming here. And then, I mean,

the decision got made for her to go live with your parents. And at that point it was like, we don't, we don't have a call to, to override that. Yeah. There was some legal stuff too, I think involved with that, that we really couldn't, we couldn't fight. But I will, I will always wonder. I know.

How, how, how much, how differently would her life have been for, for that period of time if she'd come and stay with us? Yeah, I know. And I think, you know, I'm a spiritual person. I'm not religious. So, you know, if I say God, it doesn't definitely, you know, it doesn't mean. But everything happens for a reason, you know.

And I think, I don't know, I'm not the only person that looks at this, but Bailey's a damn good mom. She's a very strong person. And she actually, as we said this the other night, when we had the late night phone call, we should have taken a page out of her book a long time ago. We do keep saying that about Bailey. Bailey has always been really good about cutting people off and not necessarily in a bad way. She's just really good at noticing toxic people. She's a fellow Libra.

That's why. She is a Libra. Is she a Libra? Her birthday is four days away from mine. Oh, yeah. She's either here or there. She's never in between. It's either I love you dearly i will

i will fall on a sword for you or you do not exist yes and that that is exactly how she is and yep being an aquarius i am not like that um at all i i am i am going to save everyone because that is who i am so but that that's been the topic of conversation in our, our little circle for a while is we all just need to take a page out of Bailey's book. We all just need to figure out how can I take notes? How do we do? Yeah, no, Bailey just needs to host a class. Maybe we should have Bailey on or y'all could just live or y'all could just listen to me for a change or that i'm sorry what did you say who's nothing who just spoke who was that i don't know who i there was another voice in here um yeah she's really good at noticing toxic people, noticing toxic things, and then putting up a boundary and saying, it's like a Lulu, you're not going to be a part of this little family, this little life.

Let me, if you don't mind, let me say something. Even with that, you know, like I told you earlier, you know, I'm getting the grandkids today, at least two of them. In 20 minutes, by the way. In 20 minutes. But there's a part of me that still wants to call my mom and dad and let them talk to them. You know, because they give us that, I won't ever see my great grandkids. Or they're going to be in college before we see them. And there's still a part of me that

aches that yes okay so welcome to my world of yeah the guilt uh the the it's the guilt is always dripping i'm always dripping with guilt and i i understand that phoebe i i hear you when you say that and then you have this one over here phil who is going so they did that to themselves no but again it's the difference in perspective and i don't think it's i don't think it's as much because like you're their child and i'm not but i think it's more just a perspective of like in in the way was raised, I have two priorities in this world that go above everything else. And that's you and our child. Everybody else's happiness and well-being is somewhere down the line. And to me, it's like if I think this is an unhealthy environment for my wife and daughter, I am emotionally at peace taking them out of that environment forever, no matter who it affects.

It's not that I'm cold or I'm looking for an opportunity to hurt somebody it's just i don't care my responsibility is these two people and if it's good for them i'm going to give it to them and if it's not i'm not going to and again like that it's the way i was raised i was raised by a man who believed that when you marry and have children, that's your family. My parents will always be my parents, but they're not my family. The three people who live in this house are my responsibility. Yeah. Yeah.

So because we have about 20 minutes left before those munchkins get there, which I better get a FaceTime because I haven't you know some ways to work on detoxing from a trauma bond include focusing on the present I actually I was scrolling through Instagram this morning and because of my witchy woowoo Ness one of these meditation sites came up and the question was asked of how do i how how do i stay in the present how do i stop going into the past or the future and i know that sounds like crazy but you woo woo stuff but it it was it's actually very simple you just really have to focus on feeling yourself right here right now i am talking to my sister. I'm talking to my husband. I am talking about a really hard subject. Welcome, Stuart. You're a little late. I saw your comment

where it's Gillian's therapy hour again. So welcome. But that's where I am right now. I'm in the present. And I have a hard time with that because I'm constantly worrying about the future. And I'm constantly worrying about how I handled the past. Phil's face this morning. Has subtitles. Has subtitles, y'all. I'm sorry. If you're not watching, you need to go back and watch this.

Because he's just going, yep, told you. Told you so. One day. he's just going yep told you told you so um one day think about the future and you say that it's called future tripping because we have that in recovery too because we always worry about what the future is going to hold and what we could have done different in the past so i mean i get it yeah it's crazy how all these things kind of fit together yeah they all rhyme they all rhyme there's a reason and they were in a rhyme but focusing on the present and so i know that i said this before i even started to read through this list at the beginning of this show was i i am already scared that i'm going to screw this up

that i'm going to go back that i'm going to make an excuse that the guilt is going to get to me and i'm going to drop those boundaries that i've been building and you know whatever i'm going to make an excuse that the guilt is going to get to me and I'm going to drop those boundaries that I've been building and, you know, whatever, I'm going to go back. And so that's where I am living in the future right now is thinking of when and how am I going to fail? Because I've always failed, but when and how is it going to happen? Other ways to detox from a trauma bond is creating space and boundaries, which is something that I'm working on. Finding support, which obviously I have my close friends and family that I can talk to about that. But this podcast has been a lot of therapy and support.

I make a joke, welcome to Gillian's Therapy Hour, but it's nice to talk about it. And then what I've learned is there are so many people who deal with this, have dealt with this, that this is not uncommon. That the way our family was when we were growing up and the way it is now is a very common place for people yeah which is scary it's very scary yeah and it makes me really wonder about the mental health of this country not that I haven't already been wondering about the mental health of this country but it really does make me wonder about that. The child's awake. Practicing self-care. So that is actually something. And I think so. Okay. Let me, let me kind of break this one down a little bit. 2020, the end of 2023 and 2024 has been

a revolutionary year for me. I have started to focus on myself. I have taken control of my health. I have started down and is I'm going currently down, which will probably never end this spiritual journey. I've made decisions in my life that are, were hard to make because of the way that we were raised in such a hardcore Baptist Christian home, which, you know, dealing with church trauma as long as, you know, in tandem with family trauma, there's a lot of trauma going on, a lot of bonding, with family trauma there's a lot of trauma going on a lot of bonding not bonding sorry a lot of um fixing that needs to happen but what i have done is i have really started taking care of myself physically my physical well-being but my spiritual well-being i've really really really spiritual well-being. I've really, really, really allowed myself to go down a path that I've always known was there for me that I should be on, but was told it's a sin. I'm going to go to hell.

And, you know, you can't, you can't think about these things. You can't talk about these things. You can't question these things. You can't, you can't be on that path because you'll go to hell you'll burn in hell forever um ever what i've done is allowed myself to feel those feelings and allowed myself to make those decisions for myself i'm no longer a child being raised in this baptist church where everything you do is wrong and everything, you know. You second guess yourself on everything. Yeah. And we've kind of talked about the trauma from church in a past episode. But just like one of my patrons said was it takes five times of doing something before it becomes a habit.

So it kind of gave me the permission to talk about these things over and over and over again. But part of my spiritual journey and healing and part of my trauma healing has to come. I also have to look at the trauma that was received from church and the people of church and these godly Christian people who did horrible things. You know, they did horrible things, said horrible things and made horrible things okay. You know, these things that they did and said. And so I'm also dealing with that um in such and this is probably going to be a shocker this is probably the hardest thing that i have i have trouble saying this and um and it's really trouble just with myself and my own psyche is i have stepped away from Christianity. I've stepped away from everything to take a hard look at all of it. And if I decide to come back to it, then I decide to come back to it.

If I don't, I don't believe in the whole Baptist damnation of your soul anymore. I've already put in a request for your excommunication. It's pending. It's pending? It's pending. It's pending. That's the fallen traffic. That's the way things are pending right now. So I will highlight an exclamation point a thousand times, practicing self-care. I think you have to. Absolutely. And one of the things that I have enjoyed doing, and I love that my husband is so good about going, okay, sure, babe, whatever you need. You know, we've built a spiritual meditation garden in the backyard now where I can ground and meditate. And, you know, my husband doesn't judge me in any way of this witchy woo-woo stuff that I do. But, shoot, where was I going with that?

I don't remember. Dang it. I need it when that happens. But you know, self-care. The other day you were saying, we were on the phone. You said, I already took my energy back from them. Like, I don't have to allow them to keep me emotionally hostage today. You know, I'm doing this for me.

And that's what I've found, you know, because you said the other day, too. I don't know how you can just block them off or not talk to them. That's me taking this back. You know, I can't wake up every day going, what's going on with mom and dad? What's happening there? What happens is going to happen you know um distance makes the heart grow fonder is the thing absence but distance um but which is kind of the same thing right if you're distant you're absent it used to be until

the days of like social media and cell phones where we're all interconnected as much as we are. But I guess kind of what I'm getting at is the less I have to do with it, the less I think about it. Yeah. Which is the polar opposite of what you just said. I don't know. Really? I don't know if your husband's like my fiance, but Andrew's always like,

what's going on with your mom and dad? And I'm like, I haven't even thought about it until you brought it up. I only bring it up if there's been a recent event. And I'm really just checking on her to be like, where are you on this? Right. And he doesn't understand. He understands a little. But Phil, you've been here for 20 years.

He's been here for seven you know you've seen a way lot more than he has and i think he he's a peacemaker too he wants to make the peace but he just wants to keep the distance too yeah i i think that might be more personality thing because like i said to me it's it just it really just comes down to like i mean i we had this i had this out with someone else because they got their feelings hurt because like I didn't call and text them all the time. And I was like, my parents that raised me from three days after I was born, I might go a month without speaking to. And it's not because I hate them.

It's because they have their life and I have mine and we're all doing stuff. And if they need me or just want to sign a life, they'll call or text. It's, it's not this, I don't have this constant need to be in their business. Yeah. So, and that's, that's my goal. That's where I'm trying to get. And I've done good for a week. You have done really well. I think I've done pretty good for a week. Pat myself on the back um developing healthy relationships yes this is what i've done though to develop healthy relationships i've gotten rid of relationships i was thinking healthy relationships not even just that but i've gotten rid of just relationships i talked to maybe five people um on of like a weekly basis phebe you Gabriel my co-workers but that stops

at 3 30. you know so I don't have a lot of people in in my my like home unit my my close close circle I have a lot of people in my outer circle mostly like our um tribe and all that stuff phoebe's friends over in lafayette and all that but what what i wanted to say was developing healthy relationships we have a relationship obviously we've been together for 20 years now but our relationship took another step I took another step last week when I was leaving for work. It was a Friday. This was Thursday night. It was a 10.30 phone call of just.

It was 11.30. No, no, no. It was 10.30 when it happened, and it didn't end until 11.30 midnight. I had just gotten home at 8.30 from school because we had an event at school not i didn't get in bed until 9 30 i was literally just put my book down and checked my phone just to see you know what time it was or whatever and saw a text and a voicemail and um the ball just started rolling from there yeah um i was so emotionally just done at that point like frayed it frayed edges um i called you i couldn't even catch my breath i was so emotional crying um and i'm walking out the door to go to work that friday and i looked at my husband and I said,

you're off your leash. You're off your leash. You have to be respectful. And that was my trauma bond. That was my peacemaker coming out. But I said, you're off your leash. And I haven't put him back on his leash yet. You can't. That's why I've never said, I've never said that to him. All I told you when you said it was, if you're taking me off, I'm off. You can't put, you can't put this genie back in the bottle because once I get involved, I'm involved and I'm going to deal with it my way and I'll be respectful to a friend. But I'm so glad she did that. Well, and.

I'm so glad she did that. I'm so glad she did that. Yeah. And so developing healthy relationships, like I said, we took another step in our relationship after 20 years because now what will happen is I will, and this might sound, some people are going to be like, wow, that's kind of controlling. My relationship with Phil, as far as my family goes with these two people is a text will no longer be by myself. Then it will be a group chat or whatever, or I won't text the, you know, the conversation won't continue until Phil is around to read it and be a part of it. Speaker phone will always be on and Phil will always be there and or he will answer the phone. What was the other thing?

There was another thing that Phil will, maybe that was it. Anyway, that was it. You'll answer the phone. You'll talk to him. I'll add to that. If you have to go over there, I think I should go with you. I know that's kind of a thing because we don't want to bring piper in the middle of a bad situation but i think at this point like my whole

perspective is very simply you know again the way i was raised as as toxic masculinity as it sounds in 2024 i really don't care but like the husband is the hammer of the family the wife is the heart and that is certainly the way you and i work in the fact that like you're much more approachable you're much kinder much gentler than i am but every now and then you need to bring the hammer out so that people understand you can't play games with rap like family bad things start happening and unfortunately i think you know I wish we were in a situation where we didn't feel like you had to use the hammer against certain people, but we are. And the hammer needs to be brought out. I never thought that I would find so much

release by releasing you. I like taking you off your leash. I've always been scared of it. No, because I know who you are and I know how you are. And I've always been scared that my husband is going to say or do something that's going to make waves, hurt feelings, whatever. But now I'm at the point where I'm just like, well, I guess that needs to happen. So in my way of thinking it is, well, you've kind of done this to yourself. is, well, you've kind of done this to yourself. And it's not just make waves with certain people, our mom and dad. It's with the family, I think. And I think we said that, you know, about the wedding. You know, who am I going to offend or hurt if something doesn't go your way? Yes.

You know, but who cares? I know. I still live. I still breathe every day. I come home to a house that we have worked so hard for that nobody helps us with. This is my peace, my home. And if it offends you or your feelings, oh, well. And that's where, that's where I'm trying to get. And I think I'm closer today than I was a week ago. And hopefully in a week, I'll be even more close to that goal of being like Phoebe. Maybe that needs to be assured. Be like Phoebe.

Oh, God. I won't. Don't worry. I won't do that. I'm working on her, Phoebe. I'm trying to bring her to the dark side. But, you know, look, like I said, sometimes I i still have that am i doing the right thing well will they get their feelings hurt because i i am a human and that's that's what we're

we are we're emotional creatures but there has to be a point where i say am i okay right am i gonna be okay with this right that's that's what I'm dealing with. That's what I'm trying to focus more on. And I've done a good job this year of learning that. And I think that this has come at a good time in my spiritual journey of focusing more on myself. But, you know, back to that whole developing healthy relationships, releasing Phil from his leash has made me stronger because now I, you know, it's like light bulb moment. I have someone to rely on who has been begging me to do this for 20 years, but I have been saying, no, no, I'll handle this. But I have been saying, no, no, I'll handle this.

I'll handle it. I'll do it. I'll do it myself. And then, you know, it's like any other hard situation that you have to go through, but you have a spouse or you have a significant other that's supposed to be there to help you. I now have that comfort in knowing that I have someone else to fall back on or someone else to take the reins and say, we're not doing this. Let me tell you why. Because that's what he did. He made a phone call on Friday and he said that the Rabelais will no longer be a part of this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, basically put his foot down for the family, which that, that was just volumes. It spoke volumes and it made me feel better. I know we're kind of running low on time.

No, you're good. Being kind to themselves, which is, I think also practicing self-care and then therapy. This is therapy. This is Gillian's therapy hour. This is Gillian's therapy hour. We are not professional mental health care workers or anything like that. We do not, you know, whatever disclaimer needs to be put out there, but we do speak from experience and we can speak. And that's why I wanted to have you on too today, Phoebe, was our experiences in life growing up were two totally different things.

We grew up in the same household. My mother used to ask me, and I don't know if you know this, my mother used to ask me, which was wrong of her. She should never have asked me this or brought me into this this type of conversation was why did phoebe end up like that what what why did why is she like this why is she like that and you know that well wait wait you're probably going to be mad at me at my response the peacemaker in me was going i don't know mom i Mom. I don't know why Phoebe acts the way that she does because she was raised by the same parents that I was and raised in the same household that I was. Okay.

And yet. I was a teenager. We're in college. So I was young and thought, I thought because we were raised by the same parents and in the same household, you should have we should have all kind of come out the same right now no but y'all were raised completely differently well not even that we weren't we were raised completely differently we were raised by different people mom and dad showed up for you in a different way that they showed up for me. Absolutely. They still do. Oh, which is so crazy. That's yes. And yes, so they still do. But I don't even just mean that. You got a younger version of our parents. You got, you were the first, so you got first time parents. You've got the ones trying to figure out how to parent. You got most of the fallout from their trauma growing up that they went through.

They also went through some pretty harsh things as kids. And then Gabri got met with different parents than I got met with. And what I think happens is with parents, now I only have one child, so I really can't test this theory, is parents are going to look at their children. They're going to figure out what their strengths and weaknesses are and then meet them there. And then if you have abusive parents, they're going to look at those strengths and weaknesses are, and then meet them there. And then if you have abusive parents, they're going to look at those strengths and weaknesses

and use them in a way that benefits them, not necessarily benefits the child, but benefits them. And so my answer to her now would be the reason she showed, the reason she is the way she is at this point, not right now, but at that question, is because of you and dad. It's because of the way that you met her. It's because of the things that she went through as a child. That is why she is the way she is. And I, you know, I didn't know what I didn't know.

But now I know how to answer those questions. And I just think it's important to remember, you know, especially as adults, people show up differently for everyone. I show up differently for you than everyone i show up differently for for you than i show up for gabrie i show up differently for i don't know i can't that's the only ceiling bailey i'm right yeah i see with a lot too yeah and i show up differently for bailey than i show up for anybody i show up differently for anybody and it's not to say that i'm that's that's me being fake i'm not being fake i'm being myself for all of those people but i'm oh gosh i'm going down a rabbit hole in my head and we don't have time to do the rabbit hole people have to be have to be approached differently because you don't know we're not the same the way you would

say something to feel would be different than when you came to me with it and it you're like you said it's not being a different person it's just other people or you need to approach them differently but what we get from our parents are totally different people. Like it's just, it's not about approaching somebody. There's still the manipulating narcissistic ways. It's just differently for, you know, it's like I get drunk text. You get happy days,

you know? Yeah. What I told Gillian was like, from my perspective, what, what the three of you girls get is you get the version of themselves they think is going to get them the end result they want. And that is a totally, it's a totally different mechanism than I'm meeting a person where they

are because I'm trying to communicate with them in an even way. Like I'm trying to meet a person where they are, but this is, if I show you this, I'll get this. And that's like that kind of manipulation has, from my perspective, been a cornerstone of y'all's relationship with your parents. Isn't that crazy? By the way,

I've been seeing it for 20, been seeing it for 19 years, been saying it for 19 years. I know. And, and, and you know, I love,

I love our parents because the love that we were shown was not love in, in our childhood. We had to decipher what true love is from every aspect when it comes to a spouse, a child, a person, you know, we, we were shown that hitting, yelling, screaming toxicity was love. And we had to all three decipher that that's not love. And, you know, in fact, on another podcast, you said you shouldn't even hit your spouse out of, you know, just joking around. And I've taken that because, you know, my, I would be like hitting Andrew just out of joking around. But that shows that it's okay to put your hands on somebody. And it's not okay.

It's not okay to joke around like that. And he always, if I do it, he'll say, I'm calling your sister and telling her you hit me. Good. He needs to call me because I will be over there in two and a half hours. But, you know, it's just two and a half hours. But I just, you know, like it's who have yeah but i i just you know like you said we're not professionals we do have experience and of course everybody's experience with the toxic people are going to be different how we deal with it now is totally different than we've dealt with it a year ago you know a year ago i think i still would have been running, going, let's make sure they're

okay. Let's go buy them an air conditioner and spend $200 that we don't have, or let's do this, or let's do that. But I've learned through addiction and recovery that there has to be consequences for things that you do. And whether it's physical, emotional, whatever, you have to set boundaries because I'm trying to stay healthy and sober and I could be caught on a bad day where I'm like, forget it all. And this, you know, this life that I have now is not going to be around. I don't know if you can hear that. I'll beat your ass if that happens. Well, no, but you know, Now I'll beat your ass if that happens. Well, no.

Now I have to mark this whole podcast explicit. Thanks, babe. But, you know, it's good to only – I only have a few people in my life that I come to things with, you and Phil, my boss, and Jennifer and Valerie. And it's not because I don't want to have other friends. It's just because I know those people will tell me the truth, even if I don't want to hear what the truth is, you know? Well, I don't know if we talked too much about trauma bonding.

We at least did some therapy. I'm going to go write my diary. I know, right? I don't want to keep you too much longer because all of your grandbabies are coming over and I'm super jealous of you right now that you get to hang out with them but anyway

who knows if this will continue who knows what the week will bring and what Sunday's podcast will be but I do always want to thank you for joining me and Phil on the podcast these are not easy things to talk about and and the little twinge of guilt is always sitting in the pit of my stomach when we talk about our parents um especially when we mention them because for so

long i didn't i would always address them as people in our lives. There's some people in our lives that do this or that and wanted to hide who they were and the things that they did. But it never brought a sincere show. It never brought a sincere discussion. And I've realized, thanks to patrons and people, listeners that reach out to me, which I encourage because I am human. And even though we do these podcasts and a lot of times we sound like we know what the hell we're saying. I still I still encourage you to reach out and say, you know, give me that that. Hey, I got something from it today. That's all, you know give me that that hey i i got something from it today that's all you know and it in and that's not me looking for a pat on the back and saying oh you're doing such a good job way to

go it's it's really just me wanting to know that i'm helping someone when i started this podcast. I wanted to help people. And so, yeah. So anyway. And let them know that they're not the only ones because for a long time you feel that way. Yeah. Well, and that's what I said earlier was that, you know, opening up about these things, opening up about our past traumas. I've had people text me or message me and say, really good show. By the way, I went through that too. And this is helping me.

So anyway, that's helpful for me to know that we're helping other people. So thank you for being on. Thank you to our listeners. Also, the ones that kept commenting. We didn't even get to the comments today and I'm so sorry for that. But Valerie and Jennifer, thank you for always supporting us as friends. Oh,

they're in here. I can't see. Yeah, you can't, you can't see the comments, but Jennifer and Valerie have been messaging, you know, in the comments for a while.

If you check this on Facebook, you'll see all their comments. Yeah, they were commenting on Facebook. So we love y'all too. So thank you for listening. And Stuart, Stuart, I'm going to say this out loud. I hope you're still listening. The man who sells boiled peanuts is back

and I'm going to go buy you some boiled peanuts and I'm going to ship them to you. And I promise I will do that this week. Okay. Anyway, thank y'all for joining us. Phoebe, thank you for joining us. Enjoy your grandbabies today and I hope that you all have a great

rest of your week and great rest of your Sunday. We're going to go grocery shopping now and get some food. Thank you all for listening. We'll see you all next week. Bye, y'all. Bye, everybody. Thank you.