The Prepper Broadcasting Network - Raising Values: When Parents Quit

Episode Date: July 21, 2024

https://www.facebook.com/RaisingValuesPodcast/www.pbnfamily.comhttps://www.instagram.com/raisingvaluespodcast/http://www.mofpodcast.com/www.prepperbroadcasting.comhttps://rumble.com/user/Mofpodcastwww.youtube.com/user/philrabSupport the showMerch at: https://southerngalscrafts.myshopify.com/Shop at Amazon: http://amzn.to/2ora9riPatreon: https://www.patreon.com/mofpodcastWe've all heard it before. Kids can be a handful, parents are exhausted, Mom and Dad need a break. But the question begs, what happens when Mom and Dad quit parenting? What happens when the children, for whatever are allowed to go forth into the world without oversight, without boundaries. Raising Values Podcast is live-streaming our podcast on our YouTube channel, Facebook page, and Rumble. See the links above, join in the live chat, and see the faces behind the voices.family, traditional, values, christian, spiritual, marriage, dating, relationship, children, growing up, peace, wisdom, self improvement, masculinity, feminity, masculine, feminine

Welcome to the Raising Values Podcast, where the traditional family talks. You can find us on iTunes, Stitcher, and Spotify, and be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. You can support the Raising Values Podcast through Patreon. Phil and Gillian are behind the mic, and we hope you enjoy the show. welcome back to raising values good morning everybody it's been a very intense last couple of days hasn't it at the rabbley house yeah our cat's been sick um i've mopped the house no less than 10 times. At least four or five times a day. Yeah, at least. She's always been prone to UTIs, and so she got one. And, of course, she's 14, so it's taking her a little bit longer to get over this one.

So, needless to say, it's been fun at our house lately. Yeah. It's been fun at our house lately. Yeah. And this one, this one's just prancing around the house. In pajamas. A couple of things before we get started on today's episode. We are in the process of revamping our merch. So what is available to you right now, merch wise, is things, it's different things that

have our logos on it. I've been saying for quite some time that people don't want to wear logos, not, they just don't want to wear a logo. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. But that's what I've been saying. So we're in the process of revamping a few things. Raising values.

We'll have some fun new shirts. I'm really excited about. I designed them. I designed them, not them. And it really has nothing. I mean, our logo is in there. Actually, the name of the podcast is on there, but it's not prominent or anything like that. So as soon as those are ready, I'm going to post about those and let you know.

But for now, we do have merch if you wanted to support the show and support one of our patrons and his wife, who actually are our merch suppliers, Tiffany and Chris. So we have koozies. There's all kinds of shirts. Like I said, I know that logos are just kind of like, but we did do the one. If you are a longtime listener of the show, we talked about glitter and duct tape. And so this is the glitter and duct tape logo. Anyway, T-shirts,

all sorts of things. There's really a lot of stuff to choose from. And Tiffany and Chris have done a really good job of taking what we've designed and, or, you know, thought of and adding it all together and putting it on their website for you to purchase. But like I said,

there will be some new stuff coming and it will be before Prepper Camp. And I will be sporting these shirts at Prepper Camp and stickers. I'm hoping to get stickers. Stickers. Now, stickers are expensive. Yes, everything's expensive. 50 stickers is like 80 bucks. I will say the one thing I'm happiest about with Southern Gals is that I intone to them because it was raising values and matter of fact, because these two podcasts are very intermingled probably as reasons.

When we were approached by the Southern Gals about them taking over our merch, the one thing I expressed to them I was really, really focused on was I don't want this to feel like an $8 shirt with $20 worth of markup. I want to make sure that it's a good feeling shirt, it's quality, the screen printing is done right. To me, I always kind of knew I was going to lean on you and Andrew for the design work because I'm not an artist, I'm a business guy. So I'd struggle with coming up with a good idea and then getting it down on paper when it's graphic yeah but that was kind of my impression from looking at other merch lines is i'm like you know if it's you could really enjoy the creator but if the shirt feels really cheap it just kind of lets the whole experience down yeah and these are not like cheap feeling shirts at all like i said chris and uh tiffany do a really excellent job with their business and what they do um but anyway so that's there there's more

coming i am trying to get andrew and phil to give me some ideas on matter of facts new merch because because, again, they have some mostly just logo stuff. So that's its own assignment. That's on me. I've got to figure out how to put my thoughts into words. Yeah, which you usually have no problem with. But it's not around graphic design, which is not exactly a strong point of mine. Well, the other thing I wanted to mention was we won't be on next Sunday. No, we will be.

Because my butt will be on a beach. We will be on a very overdue, very long overdue family vacation. Because we didn't vacation, really, I would say any last year. I mean, we went, we did the patron trip, and I did Prepper Camp. You and Piper didn't come. And we were at a point where, like a lot of people, I wouldn't say we were struggling with finances, but I was very focused on, like, we need to get our emergency fund built up. We need to get some things put away,

because things are going to get spicy in the next year or two. And anybody that's watching the news in the last 12 hours, you know, don't call me Nostradamus. I just kind of saw things coming. Yeah, we really won't go into what happened in the last 12 hours. No, everybody else is talking about it, and I'm already exhausted over it. I'm not exhausted. I want to see how this plays out.

There's a couple of ways. Well, now we how this plays out. There's a couple of ways. Now we're talking about it. There's a couple of ways I think this could play out and I'm interested to see which one they take. So anyway, I saw that there were some comments. I didn't see what they were. You kind of opened it and then oh, it's just good mornings.

Hi, good morning. Alright, so Phil picked this. I would argue you picked this by accident. Because we were, okay, so last show, even though I'm pretty sure everybody that's listening right now probably caught last show or caught it live. We were talking about forms of abuse. Yeah. And we tripped over, or actually we talked about neglect. And that was mostly centered around like spouse to spouse,

one spouse not meeting no one's needs, one spouse intentionally withholding from another for various, you know, for either to manipulate or to get even or whatever. And I, I believe that neglect is a form of abuse, but I called it negative abuse. Cause it's like, in my mind, there there's positive actions and negative actions and negative actions in terms of like output. So if verbal abuse is a positive abuse because you are outwardly abusing someone, then neglect is negative abuse because I'm not outwardly abusing you, but I'm pulling something back. And that is the abuse of action. action but it kind of got us thinking and talking about has this you know i don't remember if it was during the show or afterwards you and i started talking about neglect from parent to child and how like in some ways that's i feel like it's in some ways it's different than spouse to spouse

but i don't feel like it's any less damaging. But I do see it as slightly different because you do get, like, in a lot of the same ways when we talk about neglect between spouse and spouse, you know, some people inevitably throw up the idea that, like, well, you can't pour from an empty cup. And I acknowledge you can't pour from an empty cup. But if the cup is always empty, there's a problem. Then you can't use that as the excuse. And that's where I started going, thinking about, you know, when parents quit. There is the argument that sometimes parents get overwhelmed, parents need a break.

But then to the opposite argument, kind of my argument is you never stop being a parent. Like if the cup is empty, then you as the parent are the one that goes without, not the child. You as the parent goes without, not the child. Yeah. Okay. My brain's not catching up to that. Well, okay. From my perspective, and my perspective is just mine, but I look at it.

perspective is just mine but i look at it i you and i've talked before on the show and in private about how like i see fatherhood husbandhood as a position of responsibility like the cat is very upset right now because piper's door is shut and she was only just allowed to go back in there this morning she'll be okay yeah but i see those as positions of responsibility. Like I have a responsibility to, to the best of my ability, meet the needs of everyone in this household. And if that means that, you know, there's not enough time left in the day for a dad to have dad time, then that's what gets sacrificed. Because my wife needs things, my daughter needs me. And if somebody has to do without, I'm going to be the one that does without. This is where we've kind of disagreed in the past.

And we've talked about this on other episodes of, again, you can't pour from an empty cup. So you have to fill your cup. And you have to be able to do that. And then so this is where it kind of gets fuzzy between the two of us. Parents need a break. Yes. But parenting, that's what the banner says. Parents need a break, but does parenting ever stop? No. Parenting should never stop. You're going to be a parent no matter what. I think it, obviously it changes as the child or children grow up, especially once they become an adult.

And I can go into something in my head. I'm thinking of something kind of an extension from last week's episode. But I often need breaks. I teach 170, 180 kids every day. Well, I am with 180 kids every day. I am constantly being hugged on, tugged on, you know, snotted on, sometimes peed on. You know, I'm constantly in a place where I am, my sensory is overloaded with children, with people, with things, with all of the things. You know, my schedule is always packed.

I do get breaks, obviously, because I have a great principal. But there are times when I come home where I'm just like, don't touch me. I need to just like, don't look in my direction. Don't talk to me. Don't do anything. I need to just veg for 30 minutes. So I need to veg for an hour or whatever. And it used to be really bad when I worked in New Orleans because that was as, as fun as it is to work in, um, a place like an aquarium, a zoo or an insectarium. It's, it was a lot. I mean, we would have thousands of people come through

on a daily basis. And I was in a position at those places where I was constantly doing shows, talking to people, educating people, whatever. And then I had to drive an hour, 45 minutes to an hour home with everyone else who lived on the North Shore that commuted to New Orleans. And that was when I just, I would come home. You know, you knew Gillian's going to come home. She's going to come through the door and she just needs, she just needs her own time, whatever. So I don't, I don't ever want to put parents needing a break in a bad light because they are still human. And even though they have responsibilities to their kids and family, they still have to recharge in order to give their kids and families what they need from them. So you're agreeing with me?

I don't disagree with you that parents need a chance to recharge. What I'm arguing is something you and I have done in the past where you and I have said, like, the same thing can be said but mean two totally different things. And I've heard I need a break used as a constant excuse for neglecting a child. Yeah. So that's why. Okay. So yours is more of the extreme need a break, quote, unquote, need a break used as a constant excuse for neglecting a child. Yes. So that's why. Okay. So yours is more of the extreme need a break, quote unquote, need a break. Well, I'll put it to you this way.

If every time your kid's around you, you need a break, you don't need a break. You need to shut up and stand up and be a mom or be a dad. If having a child stresses you out, you chose the wrong vocation and parenting is supposed to be a choice. You know? And if it wasn't, if, so. I think any vocation you choose is going to be stressful. A hundred percent.

Look, anybody that says having children, raising children is not stressful, I've got beachfront property in Arizona to sell you because you are not in touch with reality. It is a stress sandwich. you are not in touch with reality. It is a stress sandwich. But I also say that, you know, sometimes being married is stressful. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love being married. I love having a family, but it's stress. It's not always easy. It's not always rainbows and unicorn farts. Sometimes it's hard and you gotta, you have to weigh through the hard to get to the part that makes it rewarding. But I guess from my perspective is like I hear this, I need a break. And I'm like, every time your kid's around, you need a break.

You don't need a break. You need to shut up, put your phone down, turn the TV off, go play with your kid and look at parenting as a responsibility, not as a, not as a chore. You know what I'm saying? I think that there's a certain amount of this that really does become mental, emotional. And I'm notorious for telling people like most things in life, you make them a negative or positive based on how you wire your own head. You know, like I can, I can distinctly remember this. And I admit, I've hadly remember this. And I admit

I've had a lot of, my formative years were very odd because of the military, but like I can remember, huh? Nothing. Go ahead. I can look back on some of my experiences in the military. And in the moment I thought to myself like, this is awful. This is the worst thing I've ever done. This is horrible. Like there's something that happens to your brain when you've been awake for 20 hours. Tell me about it. But now I look back on those experiences and I'm like, you know what? That was in training. And those men who were, I thought, were just like the most wretched human beings on the face of the earth,

they were preparing me for something much worse than basic training. And it worked because when I got into combat, I wasn't, you know, curled up in the fetal position, peeing my pants. When I left the military and I had to stay up for 20 hours taking care of a newborn, I just accepted that as, hey, I've been here before. I've stayed up for 20, 22 hours straight before. Like, it's going to be okay. I'm going to get through this.

So I guess what I'm saying is, like, I think when people approach parenting as this child just won't shut up and leave me alone, then that becomes your perspective as opposed to the way I approach parenting, which is I have this tiny little human who is like, she's everything about you and me. That's awesome. Without the years of the world dragging her or down yet like we get it's kind of like when you and i used to talk about you would mention like her growing up was like sad to you because eventually she was going to leave and i'm like but we get sad but from my perspective we get to re-experience childhood with her a second time so it's it, it's again, it's, it's, do you take things as a negative or a positive? Do you look, I hate to say, I hate to say, you know, the glass is half full, but like

I choose to try to look at the world around me as the glass is half full, because that's better for my mental health than to say the sky is always falling. But I look at parenting the same way. I see parents who, you know, they go, they spend eight, nine, 10 hours of work, they come home. And then instead of, I need a half an hour with nobody pulling on my shirt, I need a break, I need to recharge. It's social media, it's Netflix, it's taking the kids out to eat because they don't want to cook. It's all these decisions they're making when they have had an opportunity to recharge, to still prioritize themselves over their children. And I understand when you're overloaded, you're at your wits end, you have to prioritize yourself for a time, but I can't get on board with the idea of parents always picking themselves over

their children. That's what I meant by if the cup is truly empty, you can't pour from an empty cup. But if there's that much left in that cup, to me, it goes to my kid or it goes to my wife. It doesn't go to me. If there's that much left, I pour it for my family because that's my responsibility. Now, when there's that much left, I'm sorry, guys, I need a half an hour on the back porch with a cigar and a glass of bourbon to just calm my nerves. You know, like to me, there's a balance there. I just see a lot of parents that they pick. The balance they pick is always if my battery's not a hundred percent, I have nothing left to give to you,

but your battery's never going to be a hundred percent because there's always something in the world pulling on it. Yeah. No, I get that. I think we agree on that. But we had to have a 15 minute conversation to realize. Well, and this is the second time we've had this conversation, too. Oh, we, no, we, look, we, I'm pretty sure, by the way, I think this is our 53rd episode of this show. Oh. It hasn't been, it hasn't been exactly, I'd have to look back at the show notes.

It hasn't been exactly a year because we missed a couple of weeks, but like. Well, a year worth of, yes, we started in March. Yeah. So, but we take a lot of weeks but like well a year worth of yes we started in march yeah so so we take a lot of time off but i'm pretty sure 50 episodes ago we started the show off by saying we're not we don't agree about everything we don't have the same perspective i mean yeah the old adage of offices say that all the time still to to remind ourselves to remind people who listen that we're not experts in this and that we are not perfect and we don't agree on everything and sometimes most of the time i see that as a strength because we do see things differently yeah so how does how does neglect

affect children because that's the banner. Yes, that's the banner. Thank you. We're still trying to train him. I'm working on it. We're Stuart. It's a work in progress. How does neglect affect children?

And as I cue this up, I imagine that there's going to be aspects of this part of the conversation that's going to be driven off of your personal experience and my secondhand experience. Because, you know, not to toot my parents horn, I had pretty, pretty awesome parents. But I had friends who were latchkey kids, you know, who were left at home to their own devices. And I saw the thing, the trouble they got into because of a lack of oversight and a lack of boundaries. So like it's one of those situations where like as I was growing up, I was able to very, very directly one to one compare my upbringing, the household I lived in, the family I grew up in and people I knew and draw some clear comparisons to say this. This is the way I was done. this is the way I was done.

This is the way they were done. These are the outcomes that came from those. And it directly influenced the way I chose to parent about very basic concepts like how critical it was to have discipline and to have boundaries and to have rules in a household. Because I make that comparison to when you become an adult, there's rules in the world. And a lot of those rules I don't necessarily agree with, but I still have to abide by a certain number of them because if I get caught not doing so, bad things start to happen. See, and I somewhat was a latchkey kid. We lived, well, my, when my sister, well, actually, no, she,

she only went to that school for a little while. Anyway, the school that I graduated high school from was three blocks from our house. My, my dad, I don't remember a time when my mom didn't work. I want to say she always had some, some kind of job. I can't remember when we lived in South Louisiana versus North Louisiana, really. But I remember she worked at a bank and florist and she did all sorts of things. I mean, my mom is really talented. She did a lot of things and had a lot of experiences. My dad worked every job he worked at was at least an hour away, an hour's drive away. And he was the environmental engineer for a lot of different chemical plants in North Louisiana. And a lot

of times he was in Chicago or DC or whatever. He did a lot of policy. He wrote a lot of policies and things like that for the state of Louisiana. So he's in Baton Rouge a lot, things like that. My dad was gone a lot. And I mean, and we've said this before, he's 72 as of three days from now. He'll be 72 years old. And there's been so many times when I've gone to their house where he's apologized for being gone so much. And he does feel like some of the directions that our family took was because of the neglect that he showed. And I say neglect, and I kind of use that kind of loosely because my dad was also in that position where he knew he needed to provide for his family. So maybe not neglect, but in his case, just his lack of presence.

Yeah. Which was career-based. It was a career-based lack of presence because my dad was also the one who, on Saturdays when he was home, he would go work in the garden. And so I would go out and join him in the garden. And my dad, he's brilliant. He's literally one of the smartest people I know. Not common sense wise, but book wise.

Which tends to happen, doesn't it? I mean, there is a correlation there. Yeah, there is. I'm married one. But anyway, those times in the garden were really interesting because he would always tell me about the herbs that he was growing and what they would be used for in cooking and what they could do medicinally and things like that. And I think that's where I got a lot of my passion for herbalism and things like that. But anyway, I guess what I'm trying to get at is I kind of was a latchkey kid. And again, my household was not perfect. There were a lot, there were a lot of times where I did not want to be there. And I think a lot of that does boil down to neglect and that there

were times when my parents stopped parenting. They needed a break or they needed this or they needed that. There was a lot of control issues there too. Anyway. Um, but in the same sentence of my dad apologizing for not being there so much when me and me asking, well, would you have changed anything? And he says, no, it's kind of like, I don't get the apology then, but let me, let me keep going because I wait, go to the banners. Cause I don't want to jump ahead. Um, how does neglect affect children? Neglect just as damaging as abuse. What does child need? Okay. So this is where I can talk about it. All right. So the neglect, what sparked today's episode was when I was talking about how when my older sister and my twin sister came home pregnant and their whole lives changed and the things that were happening with their lives. That was when the abuse really started ramping up. I'll say that.

It was always bad, but anyway. And then there's Gillian who still in high school and there, you know, I'm now, I mean, it was almost like I didn't exist. I would, you know, I was home or I was with my friend and we were doing things that I think most 16 and 17 year old things that I think most 16 and 17 year old kids do. And then I was, I was dating someone that I, my dad should have had a lot of problems with. And he didn't. But my mom encouraged, which was weird. I felt like I didn't exist. I felt like I can go do this because they're never going to know. They're never going to find out. And I can go spend the night at my friend's house.

There were air quotes thrown out for the audio listeners. I can go spend the night at my friend's house, and they're going to think I'm at my friend's house because they just don't care. Like they're dealing with Phoebe and Gabriel. house because they just don't care. Like they're dealing with Phoebe and Gabriel. And that's, that's really how I lived my life when I was 17 and 18. Um, and anyway, so, and then I actually did move out. I moved out and moved five hours away, which was really no different because I didn't have the, I didn't have the, what's the, not chaperone. Oversight. Oversight, I guess, of my parents already.

So moving five hours away to go to college was no different. I mean, honestly, the fact that you moved that close to your grandparents probably meant that you had a little bit more oversight because you were living, well, but you were living in it. The town that we went to college in. Your grandparents knew everybody. Well, yeah. So there was a certain amount of effing around you couldn't do in town because it would have got back. But I didn't know anybody either.

So it wasn't like I was, I don't know. Yeah. But anyway, I did move home. Basically, I moved home because I was born in Hammond and grew up there until I was five, which isn't a long time, but I considered that going home. Basically, I moved home because I was born in Hammond and grew up there until I was five, which isn't a long time, but I considered that going home. But where the neglect continued is where, this is the thing that I'm trying to get at. When we got engaged, a lot of women who are getting married go through this whole process, these traditions. And they use their parents as part of this in these traditions.

And for instance, what I'm getting at is going dress shopping. For me, this was my first marriage. And only marriage. And only marriage. But I mean, like I had been dreaming of this day since I was little and, you know, I wanted the dress. I wanted the everything. I wanted all of it. And I went by myself and I paid by myself and I, there was no, there was no tradition in it.

My mom wasn't there. I asked her to come. She wouldn't come. And I was, I knew that not coming meant not paying also. And then there were just some little things in and out throughout our process where I just had to do things by myself because my parents hadn't been there since I was 16. Why would they come when I'm 22? Wait, no, 23 or no, 24. Anyway, why would they be there? So that neglect actually, I felt neglected. I did. I felt like this is a time when my mom should be here. My dad should be a part of this.

And he was a part of it when you asked him for his permission to marry me. He almost killed me. Not on purpose. No, he literally, 15 seconds after I asked if I could marry his daughter, he almost got into a car accident. It was... He didn't try to kill him. I don't know how we managed to get married. I mean, like, all the signs were were there, like run, run far away. Well, I told you that first time you met my entire family that

Christmas, I said, it's okay if you never want to see me again. You know, I look back on that situation though. And like, I remember as soon as the first thing got thrown, the people start screaming. I just quiet as church mouse, got up out of my chair, walked to the bedroom, shut the door, and opened up a book and went into my happy place. And you found me there 15 minutes later. And we're like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, I'm good. Like, you know, getting mortared in Iraq for a year was great preparation for this. Yeah, he had just come home from Iraq.

I mean, well well not just that I had just come back from Iraq and I had just come off of a four-month deployment for Hurricane Katrina to New Orleans I was ready to join this family oh lord have mercy anyway obviously the neglect has stayed with me. Obviously, it has caused some sort of trauma. So, yeah, does neglect affect your children? Absolutely. It affects your children. It's a lack of love. It's a lack of attention. And it makes the child wonder what's wrong with them that my parents don't want to do this with me or for me or help me or be there with me or whatever. What's wrong with me? What

did I do? Yeah. And I see Joe's comment that sometimes neglect can make the child stronger, more independent, capable. I think there's a difference though between neglect and like sometimes what I do with Piper where I'm like, I know what you're about to do is about to hurt you and I'm going to let it hurt a little bit so that you'll learn from that. But the decision to let you learn the hard way is still one I'm making, not her. Because at any point in time, I can step in if I see things get too serious. But like I'm allowing you, I'm going to use the analogy from her childhood where she was a literal, like a little bitty baby and she wanted a lemon. I think we were at a restaurant, and we got sweet tea. We took the lemons out, put them on the table because we don't like lemon in our sweet tea.

And she was pointing at it. And you and I exchanged a look, and I just picked that lemon up and handed it to her. Like, she's about to learn from experience. That's right. And she stuck it in her mouth, and her entire face just – It was hilarious. I mean, I – and her entire face just, it was hilarious. But I guess here's what I'm, so let me get the rest of the thought out.

The difference between neglect and letting a child, like, become a little bit more independent is I let her have the lemon. I wouldn't have given her the butter knife. See, and as bad of a light that I paint my parents, and like I said, I do love them. I think 75% of it was they were doing the best that they could do. I think 25%, maybe even more than that, was really bad choices and decisions that they made from getting married. I think getting married was one of the first bad choices that they made. Anyway, it's getting a little bit easier to talk about. I think it's still very hard to talk about

all the things that I've been through. But one of the things that my, my mom would always say, and it's a generational thing, and I have said this before too, and I, um, cause I am a wooden spoon survivor. Um, she'll only do it once. She'll only do it once. I can remember, uh, I think it was Gabriel and the, the, the gas stove was on or whatever. She was little and she reached for the pot. And I can't remember all the, I mean, she was little, we were little. And I remember my mom saying, she'll only do it once.

And it was a, she'll only burn herself once. She'll only scrape her knees once and then she'll learn. She'll only do this once and she'll she'll learn. She'll only do this once and she'll learn or whatever. And she said it to all of us, but that wasn't just her. That was a thing. And I don't know, maybe people in the comments can back me up on that. But I have heard so many people, well, not so many. I've heard people in our generation say that to their children. And I said it to you. I said, she'll, she'll only do it once. If she likes the lemon, she'll eat the lemon. If she doesn't like the

lemon, she'll only eat it one time. It's a good thing we didn't give her a handful of table salt at that point, because we've seen how that worked out. That's me. Ask your dad. Your dad's always pick on me because of my salt intake um yeah anyway so how does neglect affect children eddie could probably talk better about this than than we can but as from personal experience it creates holes and gaps and trauma the neglect does just as much um it does just just as much damage as abuse does on the two things physical or emotional abuse because it is emotional abuse the two things that i see coming from neglect is first of all like i see how it impacts children's ability to develop attachments because that the most important attachment they should have up to a certain age is with their parent. You know, I mean, their parent is much more than just a person that

feeds them and clothes them. Their parent is their, their teacher, their protector, their, their, their first source of affection. Their parent is everything. And when that, when that relationship is not built on solid foundation, I see that having drastic impacts into their ability to attach to boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, you know, friends. And again, that's derived from a lot of like my own secondhand experience watching friends and how I believe neglect impacted them and how neglect impacted like their ability to form those emotional attachments later in life. And the other thing I see is, and do I want to reorder these? Yeah. And the other thing I see is that, you know, what neglect is from my perspective, mostly the banner. I know the banner is why does a child need boundaries?

my perspective mostly the banner i know the banner is why does a child need boundaries and i see neglect as in a lot of ways not just the emotional aspect of what you've talked about but the lack of boundaries which is really what i saw in a lot of friends and god i see it now yeah so like understanding that i mean it's well known like I'm a military veteran. Discipline is a big part of my life. Discipline is a, is in my opinion, like one of the most important things we learn as adults. I mean, I tell my daughter all the time, I'm like, you know, I can totally understand not wanting to do something, but I don't want to do it is not going to absolve you from a need to be done. And I'm trying to prepare her for a moment in time where she's going to have to choose. I don't feel like going to work today, but I have to go to work because if I don't go to work, I don't get paid and then bad things start to happen as a

result of that. I had a conversation with one of my employees when I was working at Flightline. So I was working as a line manager. I have this huge gaggle, mostly of college kids that are working for me, even though I was in college too, but this was post-employment and everything. So I was working as a line manager. I have this huge gaggle, mostly of college kids that are working for me, even though I was in college too. But this was post-employment and everything. So I was several years older than they were. And I got my butt reamed out one time by the general manager in front of one of my employees, which I took up with him later. But the thing I was being reamed out for it wasn't anything I did it wasn't my responsibility like I he was just mad that it happened and I was the person that caught hell for it

and I sat there said yes sir yes sir understand completely understand won't happen again I'll get it taken care of and I just let him let him yell until he was over it and then he turned around and walked off and my employee looked at me and said, why do you take that off of him? And I looked, I'm like, what happens if you, you mouth off to him and get fired? And he said, well, I have to go find her a job. And I'm like, what happens to your bills in the meantime? Like you have car insurance and a cell phone and college tuition. What happens to all of that? He said, well, it'll be my mom and dad and they would take care of me until I got her a job. And I'm like, okay, if I lose my job, I have to go home and tell my wife we can't pay rent. That's the difference between you and me in the position

of our lives we're in today. I have responsibilities that do not allow me to make certain decisions. I have a responsibility to my spouse to hold up my end of this. So the thing I always tell my daughter is, I'm like, you're going to have decisions to make one day and you're going to have consequences based on that decision. So I'm installing boundaries today to try to guide you in the right direction tomorrow.

But when you take those guardrails off at too young of an age, there's all sorts of problems that can develop. Probably, I mean, let's start sorts of problems that can develop. Let's start with the fact that children that don't have appropriate supervision, the risk of teen pregnancy goes through the ceiling. The risk of drug addiction goes through the ceiling. The risk of petty crime that escalates into serious criminal offenses goes through the ceiling. I mean, this shouldn't be a controversial thing to say that children need boundaries. They need supervision. Yeah, but I, yes, they do. I agree with that.

Children do need boundaries. In fact, our child is an example of a child that without boundaries, she gets anxious without having routine. Well, not even, not just routine. I'm not really talking about routine, but she is a rule follower. She will, you tell her what the rules are. Don't sway from those rules. She will call you on it every time. And when there is chaos, when the rules aren't being followed or the rules don't exist, she goes into like extreme anxiety. That was one of the calls that I used to get from her teacher when she was in second grade, second or second grade. Yeah. I got a call from her teacher about how she had gotten in an argument with one of her teachers on the playground because the rule was such and such for this game, this thing that was on the playground. Kids could do this, but they couldn't do this kind of thing.

And one of the boys was being allowed to do it by one of the teachers. And the teacher was there watching. And so she, in second grade, walked up to the teacher and said, but the rule is this. And the teacher told her to go play. Leave it alone and go play. And she did not leave it alone to go play and she sat there and she argued with that teacher about the rules you said this the rule is this how come such and such you know timmy whatever is being allowed to do that those weren't her words

i mean obviously she's in second grade but i got a call from the teacher that said she was arguing with the teacher about this on the playground and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said, well, what is the rule? And she said, the rule is this. I said, was Timmy breaking the rule? Well, yes, but a teacher was there observing, and he was, you know, fine. And I said, nope, that doesn't apply. The rule is this. You're holding the children to these rules. A second grader called you out on that rule being broken. And the child who called

you out is now the one in trouble and not the one who broke the rules. Do you see your father-in-law? Sounds like Phil. I'm telling you, she's going to be a lawyer or something one day. Maybe. I don't know. I might stress her out. Not if she has my personality. I thought about joining the legal profession and I said to hell with it. Anyway, she is a kid that thrives on boundaries. She thrives in a situation when she knows these are the rules. These are the things that I can and can't do. I mean, she will will tell me she tells me all the time going to school so obviously we live there's this there's this road that we take it's um one of the causeway approaches or whatever and it um you got to go under the bridge to go up onto the bridge and there's the yellow the yellow speed limit sign that says you know 20 miles per hour oh for the for the turn you got to go up and turn kind of thing and she's always watching how fast

i'm going and she goes mom you're speeding and i was like i'm not speeding i'm good it's not a speed limit sign like i'm trying to to tell her, I'm not breaking the law. It's the yellow sign. That's the speed advisory, not the white sign. That's speed limit. Right, right. Anyway, so she is one to point out. Now she's in a place, she's in a school where she points out that something has happened or a rule is being broken, or maybe even the teacher has skirted the rule or whatever, she will still call them out and say, that's not what you said. What you said was this. You're doing this. That is wrong. Yeah. I mean, I think with Piper, at least from my perspective, I think it's often it's less about the specific rule than the fact that there's not

universal adherence to it. In other words, like if this is a rule that I have to follow, you better follow it too. Yeah. Because if you don't have to follow it, I don't have to follow it either. And that is 110% Phil Ravale genetics like injected into that child. I apologize to everyone who is ever going to encounter her in life. Don't apologize for that. I'm being sarcastic.

Okay. That is not something to apologize for. If you're the type of person that likes to make rules for thee but not for me and you encounter her, I don't apologize at all for what you're going to encounter. Because, I'm going to say this not so loud so she shouldn't hear me. She won't always be liked for that quality. People want to be able to stretch the rules and bend the rules and do this and that. And because she is so vocal about you're doing the wrong thing, she will not be liked. I mean, look at the girls in her class who she's constantly arguing with. And there's one in particular

that that's her thing. She loves to bend the rules. She loves to skirt it. She loves to do all these things. And a lot of it is because of the neglect that she feels at home. So any attention is good attention. And so this child, that's what she does. She will make up stories. She lies.

She does all these things. And Piper calls her out on it every single time. Yeah. She does all these things. And Piper calls her out on it every single time. Yeah. And therefore, this girl does not like Piper because Piper is always, quote, unquote, getting her in trouble. Well, no, sweetheart, you did the action. Piper just called you out on it. Dang, I forgot where I was going with this. But going back to neglect, like you, for better or worse, see the effects of neglect daily because of your profession.

I mean, you're a schoolteacher. So you are surrounded by... I feel like my perspective on the outcome of neglect and probably children in general is skewed pretty heavily by the children I've had experience with and my own child. Whereas you see a huge cross section of children. And without calling out any one child or any one parent, you see children that I know we've talked about. Like you just you know, you meet them and you're like, this is a child that doesn't get enough attention at home. This is a child that they're an iPad kid. You know, their parent drops them off and then eight hours later begrudgingly comes and gets them. And then takes them home and sits in front of a TV or a iPad.

Or a nanny. Or an au pair come and get them. Yeah. But these are children who never have that opportunity to have an attachment with their parents because their parents don't want to be attached to them. Their parents seem to regard them as trophies or a medal or something cute. Something to brag about. Something cute to show off in front of their friends. Yeah.

And there's another person I'm thinking of who really, it's always, a lot of it has been always about her. And so she's more focused on things that she can brag about for herself. And her child does make it into the bragging part. I mean, I brag about my kid on social media all the time, too. But this child's behavior in class, now, you know, it shows that there is neglect at home, that this child feels the pull between I have to go here this week and now I have to go here this week. And, you know, my mom really

doesn't want me here. She's always off doing this. And she's, you know, I have to have a babysitter. I'm going to my friend's house and my dad doesn't really want me here. And I, he's on a business trip or whatever. And I mean, there's so many of those kids at, I say so many, there's a good handful of those kids at our school, but they're all over. They're in all schools. They're, they're everywhere of, um, just constant shuffling. They don't feel wanted. And they don't, yeah, they don't feel wanted. And so their behavior in class, we see their behavior. Because like I said, any attention is good attention.

And I said they don't feel wanted. Maybe the better term, because it relates back to what I said initially, is they don't feel prioritized. Yes, you're right. But a child is not going to say that. No, I'm speaking from adult perspective. A child child is not going to say that. No, I'm speaking from an adult perspective. A child is going to go to the easiest. My mom and dad don't want me. My mom and dad don't want to deal with me.

And it's really sad to see. It's really, really sad to see. It's sad to see that there's so many children that are like that. Parents are so caught up in their lives and whether it's their business or their profession or their friends or their whatever, social media, they're just so caught up in themselves that the child is neglected. I really do kind of view a lot of this under the guise of selfishness, to be honest. Yeah. And I don't. I mean, that's what neglect, yeah.

And see, it's moments like this I pull back from wanting to make some generalizations. Because, like, on the one hand, I feel like, now bear in mind that we're both millennials. In my case, barely millennial. I mean, you're a year and some months younger than i am but we're both on the we're both on the i'm not your age no we're both on the older end of being millennials and i feel like in our generation like this is almost epidemic is that there's a ton of people our age who became parents and they grew up very self-centered. And then they came into parenting also very self-centered.

They parent, they don't, they didn't become parents because they wanted to like pour their effort or their affection or the whatever into this child in a selfless way. They became parents selfishly. Like I want, I want to be, I want a child. I want this cute little thing I can play dress up with and parade around in front of my friends. In other words, like, the act of becoming a parent was never about the child.

It was about how the child made them feel. I don't know if I agree with you with, I don't know if I agree that it's a generational epidemic. I think neglect has always been a thing. So maybe it's just more visible now, in other words. Or maybe we just see it. How? How is it more visible? I mean, I feel like social media has...

No, I don't think you can count social media because like we've said in previous shows and even our friend Kyle has said, social media is not a true representation of people. Like perfect example is that is the the incidences of like child abduction are not appreciably more common now than they were when we were kids. But when we were kids, it was barely talked about. It wasn't as known versus now with the 24 hour news cycle and the constant flow of media. You hear about it over and over and over and over and over. Whereas before, because we were so much more disconnected, you probably only hear about it happening in your community. So that, I guess that's what I mean. You're right. Not social media, but I feel like with media in general, we see child neglect so much more often than we did before. And maybe that's why from my my perspective it feels like it's more common now

but it was probably always there i mean as you have slowly started to talk about your childhood you've had people who come to you and said i had no idea it was like well of course not you know that was covered up it was hidden that was the whole point they didn't want everybody to know what was going on behind closed doors unbelievable but i guess from i guess like the way i look at this this topic is just the fact that like i'm going to be the first to admit that i am extremely critical of parenting of parents in general and that's true that's just because like i see parenting as this enormous weight and responsibility. And it's one that I happily took on and I happily take on every day. And I don't begrudge you or Piper or anybody around me for that responsibility.

I took it on. I knew what it was going to be. it was going to be. And I look at other parents and I get very frustrated when they, when they neglect their kids or when they abuse their kids or just when they don't appreciate their kids. Like, you know, I, I grew up and this is going to be a little bit on the personal side for my father, but like, you know, my mother, my, well, but my mother and father could not have children. They adopted, they adopted me and my brother. And my father used to tell me all the time when I was growing up how angry it made him when he would see other people not take care of their kids. Because he said, all I ever wanted was to be a father.

And these people have kids and they don't appreciate them. And I think back on that all the time. You can't cry. Why not? You were the emotional one two episodes ago. Because the time. You can't cry. Why not? You were the emotional one two episodes ago. Because you can make me cry. No, I think it's true. I think, yeah.

I think it's sad, especially, and we have friends who have adopted, too. And I'm sure they have all felt the same way. So, you good? Yeah, I'm good. Okay. No, I'm just saying like, to me, it's this, it's this awesome weight and responsibility, but it's also this great adventure we get to go on with our kids.

And so when I see other parents not prioritize their kids and not, you know, try to take care of them to the best of their ability, and just that, that frustrates me to no end. I literally like, if I, if I had a hall pass for a day with no legal consequences, there are a number of parents I'd walk up to their front door and just shake the crap out of them. Maybe not, like, injure them, but just, you know, a good case to shake a baby's syndrome, like,

stop doing this and just, you know, treat your kids right for a change. Probably wouldn't do any good, but it'd be really self-gratifying. It probably wouldn't do any good. You're right. No. So we started this off by disagreeing pretty heavily and I feel like we came back around to about the same position. I don't know. No. I don't think we disagreed on anything. I needed to explain my point of view. And then we, we were actually in agreeance, which actually happened on that episode where we were, where we talked about that of how parents need to take a break and we agreed

then. And so we agree now. I just wanted to make sure that the listeners and you remembered that little tidbit of information that i had left left in there but it's okay for parents to take breaks but parenting doesn't stop no parenting doesn't stop and honestly like i don't know this isn't really a top to get into 55 minutes 53 minutes into a show but like i don't think parenting stops even when your kids are adults like i'm gonna be her dad for the rest of her life or the rest of my life at least and if she comes to me at eight years old 18 years old or 38 years old and ask for advice i'm going to give it and i'm always going to be wanting the best for her. So I see, I mean, I see,

I see neglect mostly in terms of like where I'm at today with a 12 year old, but I also see it in terms of like when she's older, I'm never going to neglect her, whatever it is that I feel like she needs at that time in her life. I think that, like I said earlier in this episode, a parent's position in their child's life shifts as they grow up, as they get older. I know that, sorry, I had a second conversation with myself and myself said no that's not true don't say that one of these days i'm gonna install a little bluetooth device in her head so i can hear those

conversations i know that i i can call on your parents if i need something whether it's advice or help with something or whatever. There's been so many times when I have been driving home from anywhere really. And I thought, well, maybe I'll just see if I can stop in at their house. Maybe we can just use the bathroom at their house or if I need to use the bathroom. I mean, maybe if I'm just too tired to drive home, we can spend the night at your parents' house or whatever. And you're always like, we live 45 minutes from my parents. We're just going home. Maybe that's just my inner self going, but I need to go to your parents' house.

Well, but I will say that, at least from my parents' perspective. And if I'm wrong, they're welcome to correct me on this. But I truly believe that their perspective, you know, because I, again, I remember the conversations I had with my dad and my dad was always very emphatic about the fact that like, I will always be your father. I will always be here, you know, as long as I can be whatever you need, I got you. But when you get married, two things happen. Your wife becomes your family. when you get married, two things happen. Your wife becomes your family. She's your responsibility. She's the person you lean on. She's it. She is your other half. But I don't break your plate at the dinner table when you get married. I set another one and hopefully another one after that.

So from my father's perspective, the moment I got married, you inherited two more parents whether you wanted them or not. Joe put into words what I was thinking. And let's see. Okay. You may be her dad as she's an adult, but your control or supervision will continue or stop at her discretion. 100%. And that's what I'm trying to say is like that's where that shift, that's where that dynamic of parent and child shifts is I'm an adult now. So sometimes I feel like I'm still put at the kiddie table with my family. And I've had this conversation within the last six months where my parents are not in a situation where if I went to them for something, they could give it.

They're just not capable in a lot of ways. Physically, they're not capable to do some things. Monetarily, they're not able to do some things, although I don't ask for money from my parents or anything like that. And then emotionally, they're not capable of doing things. And so my relationship with my parents has strictly become a daughter who is slowly becoming a caregiver and making sure that my parents are, you know, doing the things that they should be doing to care for their health, even though I sometimes wonder if their neglect of themselves is what they're trying to accomplish. You know what I'm saying? You know, I think they've given up on a lot of things. I know that I could go to your parents for those things. I know that I could go to your parents for those things. I mean, I have gone to your parents for those things.

I have had emotional conversations with your dad and your mom together. And I've had, I mean, there have been times when you've had, we've had to ask for money from your parents and to fix their AC or maybe that wasn't it. But anyway, I know that when I did inherit your parents as to fix the AC or maybe that wasn't it. But anyway, I know that when I did inherit your parents as my parents, I know that now I have a safety net of another group of parents. And you got the text from your dad during the show last week when I said that when we go over there and I usually fall asleep and take naps and you, and your dad said, well, I just thought that we were boring. No, I get peace from your parents.

I get that sense of comfort that I did not get in my house. And I still don't get, I, you know, when it's time for me to go over to my parents, I have to psych myself up for hours just to get in the car to go over there because it's still such a tense situation. They are just both unhappy people and that's a hard energy to swallow. I don't remember, again, where I was going with this, but it does change as you become an adult. We've seen it with our 12-year-old. But it does change as you become an adult. We've seen it with our 12-year-old. You know, last night she passed out hugs before bed.

And you better believe I jumped out of that bed to give her hugs. Like, wait, what? You want physical contact from your mom? Yes, I'll take it. She's probably listening going, oh, my God, Mom, you're so weird. She might understand one day. But, you know, I can remember when she was little bitty and then she was on my hip the whole time. She slept in the bed with us because that's what we decided to do. And now she sleeps with her door closed and she passes out hugs every now and then.

She'll pass out a hug. I don't know. But I know that that is going to change. And it's also, I remember when I was probably like 24 or 25. Maybe not that old. Maybe like 21 or 22. My relationship as a teenager with my parents was what it was. But then I changed.

And so I started to see my parents in a different light as well. And so I kind of, I, that from inside out too, that ennui emotion, that boring, like, oh, whatever, mom, whatever, dad emotion left. And then I was kind of like in my right frame of mind kind of thing. Yep, that's it. I've run out of words. See, every now and then what we do on this show is we're going, we're going, and we see a little side road.

We're like, I wonder where that goes. And it goes to. Maybe you do need Bluetooth to my head so that you can keep me. I go off on these tangents i know okay and then i don't remember what i'm trying to say well but my function in this podcast production world is to to take you from the dead end at the end of the side road back to the topic and sometimes we've just gone so far off into the woods i don't know how to get back to where we started what i'm trying to say is exactly what joe said that's what i was trying to say okay it stops at her discretion when she becomes older yes i 100 will but we made it yeah but is that your dad? No.

Anyway. But yeah, that's, I mean, that's when parents quit in a nutshell. Like I, I'm going to be very, I'm going to be very harsh and just say that I don't think as a parent, like you have a right to quit. I think as with anything in life, that is a responsibility that it's a risk. If something is, if I'm responsible for something, the only, and like Gillian knows this about me, this is not just emotional or responsibility to the people around me. This is something as simple as I gave my word, something would happen and it's going to happen. But if I let down something I'm responsible for is because literally I'm like in bed, on bedrest, on my deathbed, cannot, cannot make it happen no matter what. And in those instances, I am very apologetic that I couldn't, could not handle my responsibilities.

But I see parenting as seriously as I see anything I give my word to do. And I'm going to tell everyone out there that like, as a parent, you don't have a right to quit. You don't have a right to give up. You don't have a right to say, well, my kid's a pain in the butt.

So I'm just going to let them like sit in front of an iPad, not give them love and affection or, you know, they're 15. There's there, they're probably out there with their, at their friend's house, but who knows if they have parental supervision or if they're lying dead in a

ditch, like you don't in a ditch. Like, you don't have a right. That was me. You don't have a right to neglect your kids. I don't care how tired you are. I don't care how, you know, spent you are. I don't care.

What's more important? I understand the whole you can't pour from an empty cup, but if there's this much left in the cup, give it to your kids and be a mom and a dad. And if there's nothing left in the cup, then two things. A, yeah, you need a break. But the other thing I'm going to say is, like from my own perspective, if you find that you never have anything left in the cup, there's a problem there that needs to get fixed. Because I can't give to my kid because I have nothing left should not be a long-standing repetitive thing and if you allow it to be then i see it as you're

neglecting your kids so quit neglecting your kids good show old boy good, old chap. All right. That is it for us today. Don't forget to go. Don't forget to look for the merch once I tell you about the merch and that it's ready to go. And I think Tiffany's pretty close. She's chomping at the bit. Yeah. So and then don't forget that we won't be here next week. We won't be here next week.

that we won't be here next week. We won't be here next week. If I'm good about reminding Mrs. Raising Values, she might drop some family beach photos on the podcast feed. Why? Or not.

Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy the rest of your Sunday and the rest of your weekend. And we'll see y'all in two weeks. Two weeks. With a nice tan. Bye, everybody. Bye, everybody. Thank you.