The Press Box - Ep. 268: Top-50 Fast Food Items With Bill Simmons and Joe House

Episode Date: February 28, 2017

HBO and The Ringer's Bill Simmons brings on Joe House so they can respond to The Ringer's top-50 fast food list and offer up their thoughts on which items were overrated, underrated, and properly rated. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today's special Food Week episode of Channel 33 is brought to you by Seekkeek. That's the presenting sponsor of the Bill Simmons podcast since 1974. We have college basketball conference tournaments and March Badness coming up. And I can't think of a smarter, easier way to get tickets to these games. And Seat Geek, go on there, check it out. Tons of good seats available for a whole bunch of stuff, whether it's basketball, hockey, wrestling, music, opera, you name it. I've had Seatkeek on my phone for two years. It's by far the easiest way I found to shop for the best tickets.

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If you like food, go to the ringer.com and read about food. Read about all the stories that we are putting up. See some of the videos we've put up. Listen to this podcast because we're about to talk to Joe House. in a special edition of Channel 33, my buddy Joe House, who knows more about fast food and eating fast food and digesting fast food and feeling like you're in a coma after you ate too much fast food than anybody I've ever met, he's going to come on and we're going

to break down the ringer's list of top 50 fast food items, which we had some problems with. So here we go. All right, it is Food Week on the ringer. Technically called Last Meal on Earth Week, but really, it's a lot. food week. One of the things we did was the ringer staff, a millennial driven staff, I'll leave it at that, decided to make a list of their top 50 favorite fast food items. And, you know, I'm older. I'm in my mid-40s. I have two kids. My daughter's almost 12. I have a lot to worry about. I don't get his been out of shape of that list anymore. But considering these are people I work with, I got a little bit out of shape. And then I talked to Joe House.

and he was bent in half. He was so out of shape. And we're going to go through this list. There's a lot of problems. I'm not going to finger point. I'm not going to call out names on the ringer staff. But I have a lot of problems with this list. And I know Joe House does too.

How are you, House? I'm other than bent. I'm great. Fortunately, I'm not hungry because this would be a very hard conversation to have without having already filled my belly. Right. But yeah, I'm bent. Bent in half.

So the waffle fries from Chick-fil-A got the number one ranking. Double-Double from In-N-Out was number two. The McDonald's fries were three. Popeye's chicken was four. And the chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A was five. I don't understand how any fast-food list can exist that doesn't have the Chick-fil-A sandwich, number one. It's the most delicious fast-food item. God has ever created. What would you have put number one?

So I think the Chick-fil-A chicken, I would have been satisfied with any one of, you know, maybe a half-dozen icon, which is, or meals. I mean, if Popeye's fried chicken had appeared number one overall on this list, I would not have had any issue. You have a problem, you have an immediate credibility problem. When you try out a little, list that purports to be a ranking, and the very first thing that appears on that list is waffle fries? I know. Like, you don't know anybody, and I don't know anybody that's ever climbed in their car

and driven directly to the Chick-fil-A for the express purpose of purchasing solely the waffle fries. It's never happened. Lovely. It's a wonderful accoutrema. It's a lovely compliment. It's a nice assistant, but it isn't anything that gets anybody up out of their chair. I mean, you know.

It would be like if I wrote the book of basketball, and my number one basketball player of all time was Robert Hoary. I mean, sticks rings, sure. Greatest role player. The Waffle Flats are a role player. Yeah, they're a role player. It's great to have them. They make every meal better.

But I can't win a title with the Waffle Front. I need a meat. You may not even make the playoffs with the waffle fries. No, I wouldn't. The waffle fries are like Mitch Richmond making the Hall of Fame. That's how I feel about Waffle Prize. That's an insult to Mitch Richmond. Come on.

He's not a Hall of Fame. Chris Weber is very appreciative of Mitch Richmond being in the Hall of Fame. Mitch Richmond could win games on his own. The Waffle Fries can't win games on their own. The Double, well, first of all, to me it's either Popeye's chicken or it's the Chick-fil-A sandwich or, as you pointed out, make your case for the Egg McMuffin. Yeah, so the Egg McMuffin is a seminal fast-way sandwich.

It's probably the first fast food I ever consumed in my life because in the 1970s, my parents, you know, driving us to whatever, you know, event on the weekend, you know, trying to on the fly get us the little Donald's on the way, and we would get not just a delicious egg McMuffin, but also a hash brown. I was happy to see McDonald's. You know, there was four different, three different breakfast foods from McDonald's. It's kind of an outrage. There weren't a lot more other breakfast foods. That's another quibble I have with the list. But the egg McMuffin is, and it's the OG. It is, it ranks up, it's right there with the Whopper, and you know that it held its store because McDonald's had to pivot to an all-day breakfast

menu as a way to stem the tide from the losses that it's been taking in terms of its regular burger menu and turning off the breakfast menu. So Egg McMuffin, you could put Egg McMuffin number one. I dare anybody to argue with that. It's ranked 32 on this list, which again is the problem when you have a bunch of millennials making the list. I rarely get on my soapbox with the millennials The millennials are ruining everything

But the millennials ruin this list I like muffin 32 It's an iconic sandwich You have some other You have one big glaring omission And then a whole bunch of That is really Extra compromised by how much novelty food appears on here

I mean desserts are fine but you can't have a list that purports to be the top 50 Subways cookies included on there and not have Bojangles on the list I mean that's that's a crime That's a crime of That's a crime of commission

That's a crime of a commission And it's also Arguably Another instance where the coastal Elite are up to their Fancy business again Shutting out the southeast, forgetting about people who are honest, hardworking people.

Let me tell you a little bit about Bojangles. Biscuits made from scratch, baked fresh, every 20 minutes they come out of the oven. The chicken, hand-bredded, never frozen. Never frozen chicken at the Bojangles. And every football game you attend from Roanoke, Virginia, all the way down the entire southeast portion of the United States of America, you're going to find Bojangles. If you don't bum into a Bojangles box every 20 steps, then I don't know where you are. I have nothing to add to that other than when you, the subway cookies.

My wife went through the list and got angry 12 times. The Subway cookies, she actually asked if it was put in as a joke, if it was like an elaborate prank, like the Joaquin Phoenix movie. What was the Joaquin Phoenix Casey Affleck movie? whatever that was, just an elaborate prank for two hours. She thought that was why the subway cookies were in there. Did not understand why the delicious and totally underrated McDonald's chocolate chip cookies were not in there. Wonderful, too.

But again, to me, that's all like novelty food. Those are secondary items. You have to really go deep. Like, before you get to any of those things, you need to have six or seven items from Taco Bell on here. Another, you know, iconic, now we have Taco Bell is fair. represented on here, the cheesy gordita crunch is wonderful, of course. And there's, you know, the crunchy shell tacos, that's an old school kind of thing. But you could have on there some of the chalupas, the gordita.

I mean, there is a whole array of Taco Bell food. And again, by the way, speaking of breakfast, Taco Bell has delicious breakfast, and don't let you make it your way, not to steal some other fast food joints, you know, slogan. But that's a true fact. You can get all kinds that you want a little lohamole with your eggs inside a burrito. You can make your own little breakfast burrito, add in whatever ingredients you want. This whole list sleeps on breakfast. I mean, the only four breakfast items I caught were the egg McMuffin, the McGrittle,

McDonald's Hash Browns, which are wonderful, and Krispy Cream donuts, which really don't even count as breakfast and all-day food. House? What's the Chinese food place that you love? Oh, Panda Express. I mean, that is, this is, I confess, I get all kinds of hate mail from people about, you know, my love for Panda Express. It was an important place for me at a time in my life, when I was frequenting food courts, I was making my way through the food courts. I was probably hitting the mall, you know, once or twice a month, I had to get a new lid, whatever it was, is my basketball life, you know, to,

For 25 years, I had basketball life, so I was in the mall. I had to hit the food. The black pepper beef was a wonderful, wonderful dish that I enjoyed. But you wouldn't have put Panda Express in the top 50? Because the Chinese food was underrepresented. I think it's okay. I mean, part of the thing here that's also a challenge is distinguishing between sort of truly fast, the fast casual, you know, Waffle House isn't on here.

But in many respects, Waffle House is kind of food that features items that are akin to many have the items on here. I'm not sure exactly where the line is. It looks like there's sort of a gray line here because you have some Shake Shack in here, which I love. You have some Chipotle in there. Those are, and five guys. Those are all sort of made to order

things where you order them, stand around and wait, and then, you know, you can sit down and enjoy them. Yeah, it's a difference. It's the difference between Mike Dan Tony's son's offense and his Rockets offense. The Suns is seven seconds or less.

The Rockets are, you push the pace, but really they could also take 22 seconds to get a shot. They might take their time. That's five guys. I love five guys. I want to go through this list. One was Waffle Fies from Chick-Fleway. Two was the double-double

from in and out. Three were the McDonald's fries, which I still like the Burger King fries. I know it's a terrible opinion. I know. I know. Yeah, agree to disagree. Nobody agrees with you. I know. Four was Popeye's chicken. Five was the Chick-Flea chicken

sandwich. Six was the curly fries from Arby's. So that's an acquired taste. And the curly fries at Arbyes are fine. They're not better than a roast beef sandwich. Don't try and make this complicated. Go for the iconic element on the menu. That's a wonderful Arby's. I'm always partial. I get the, you know, one mid and one max, you know, because I like to max the beef. And the correlation between the quantity of beef and the buns ability to hold it all in there. I love that it diminishes each bite. Like the bun disappears far faster than the beef.

And that's very appealing to me, obviously. But you can't have curly fries ahead of the sandwich. What are we talking about here? It's picking J.R. Smith over LeBron. It's just, it's idiotic. And the other thing, you know, I kind of gave up on bread about five, six years ago. So I haven't had Arby's in a while. Arby's used to be in my top three for favorite fast food.

It always delivered the goods. I'll never forget driving from L.A. to Vegas with you once and promising you there was going to be food. And knowing there was a giant food court at about the halfway spot and we pulled in and there must have been, what, 15 fast food options? They had everything. You name it. It was there.

And both of us, we just immediately agreed Arby's was the move. There wasn't a chick-fly. but we had McDonald's, we had Burger King Wendy's, like it was all down. It was just a whole row of fast food. And Arby's was the clear choice because we wanted the roast beef and cheese, which makes me think that should have been in the top five. I'm with you. Okay. Blizzard dairy queen was seven.

Frosty from Wendy's was eight. You have this list, we're on this run here. McFlurie nine. I know. What do we talk about? Like the best. thing at Wendy's, the Frosty is fine, but the Baconator is the best thing at Wendy's. And by the way, the Wendy's spicy chicken sandwich is recognized on this list, but it's the true OG.

Chick-Balay properly gets credit for a wonderful spicy chicken sandwich. It didn't arrive until 2010. The spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's is the OG there. And as far as I know, Wendy fully supports gay marriage, so we should mention that, too. Bacon, Cheeseburger Five Guys? Number 10? It's a fine cheeseburger. There's absolutely nothing wrong with Five Guys. Five guys is East Coast, and it's Mid-Atlantic.

It's here in the DMV. The first five guys I ever enjoyed was down at Bethany Beach in Delaware. Like, you know, four or five other burgers ahead of it. Now it's, and really we're just quibbling at that point. Wait a second. Hold on, hold on. You have the double, you have the double double from in and out ahead of the Five Guys Burger? I thought we were aligned.

five guys. Well, double-double a second. So I don't quibble with, but this is your West Coast people. I have never had the opportunity to properly sample in and out over time. Each of the, I've had it four times. Each time, it's a crazy, it's either been late night, like, or if you go in there, it's a mad house, every single time in and out, it's a mad house. You have to wait 10 or 15 minutes, and the whole experience is compromised. Here's the case for In-N-N-Out, which every time I argue about this, somebody reminds me, and it's a great point.

For the price, it's phenomenal. It's the equivalent. It's the J. Crowder contract of fast food. It's a great price. It also does it because of its insistence on fresh ingredients. I mean, it really does translate, and it creates a unique burger about the In-N-Out Burger experience. You know, you don't get the exact same kind of thing at each. every time. It's got a little bit different because the

grilled onion might get a little... This one's a little thicker. This one's a little thinner. That's all wonderful. I appreciate all of that. I can't give in and out. I have a story for you to make you very happy. Last weekend my daughter had a soccer tournament and they lost to this team that was

like the number two team in Southern California. And she played her heart out. Like she really left it all on the field. I was really proud of her. And I was like, I'll take you want to go for lunch, you pick. And she's like, I want an In-N-Out burger. So we go to In-N-Out, we get the double-double animal-style lettuce wrap with some fries and

a milkshake. And we ate it in the car. And I got to say I had an In-Out burger in a while. It was really good. And you know what's great about it? The way the cheese melts on it. Uh-huh. And it's not like they spread cheese whiz.

It's just they figured out how to melt it so that it's nice and gooey and soy and soft and yeah authentic cheese melting yeah and they put the thousand island on

there was really good I gotta say like it kind of rejuvenated my in and out thing we had we had that with two fries

we split a gross for no milk shakes because I've never figured out milk shakes there but it was like 15 bucks so there's something

be said for that the cost effectiveness versus like no doubt shake places like that animal

style burger in and out is number 11 spicy chicken sandwich from chick Philly 12, the chicken nuggets from Chick-fil-A, 13. I would argue that's the best value on this list because I just have, I've never felt like

I bought enough Chick-fil-A chicken nuggets when I've left Chick-fil-A. We're like, oh, let's get a thing of chicken nugget. And you always wish you had like another box of them, right? Yeah, it's two sandwiches, order of nuggets and an order of strips. That's the Joe House order. Every single time I go to Chick-fil-A, I want two sandwiches. maybe I'll get one spicy, one plane, but sometimes I just want two plain.

What about waffle fries? You left out waffle fries. The number one night about this list. Waffle fries and Coke, but you know, waffle fries come last because that's where they deserve to be. They're an accoutre ma,

an accomplice, an assistant. That's all they are. They're not the star of the show. McNuggets, cheesy gordata crunch is 15. The Big Mac was 16. Tough fall for the Big Mac. The Auntie Ann's Pretzel?

Did you have thoughts on this? It was ranked 17th. I mean, that's, look, all, all respect to Auntie Ans, Auntie Ans, Auntie Ans, I don't know. It's fine. It's fine. It's, again, this is novelty food. This is, this doesn't belong, you know, ahead of some of the things. Like, look at the very next thing after it. The Shaq Burger and Shake Shack. I mean, that's not a competition. That's, you know, that's a pretender to the throne. You know, that soldier boy was stepping up to Jay Z. I mean, come on now. Um, just, I don't want to read the entire list, but just a couple more that we mentioned the eggbook buffin. The roast beef sandwich from Barbies was 33rd, which is just like trying to hurt my feelings. At number 34, chicken fingers from raising canes. Have you been to raising canes?

No, but you know, uh, the folks that have swear by this, and this is something that's, you know, I, uh, the raising canes. They swear by, had raising canes. Tate, no on raising canes. That's like, that's not the sound. That's Louisiana. Yeah, Tate says that's not the South. It's Louisiana. Like Micah Peters from Louisiana's, you know, had a lot of strong, passionate,

loving opinions of Raising Cains, but I think you have to be there. The couple more. The What a Burger? That was ranked 37. The Honey Barbecue Chicken Sandwich from Whataburger. Kevin O'Connor said it was the James Hardin of fast food sandwiches. I am not familiar with this. I don't know either the Honey Barbecue Chicken sandwich or the Burger.

at Waterburger, but I know a lot of people swear by Whataburger. I haven't encountered a Waterburger in my travel. What are your thoughts on Sonic? Not a place I've stopped at with a lot of frequency. Okay. The glazed donut at Krispy Cream was ranked number 40. Obviously, it deserves to be on the list. It is an iconic food item.

Again, we talked about it earlier. You eat crispy creams all time of day and night. I've had them fresh out of the oven at three in the month. morning at a lovely crispy cream manufacturing plant here in Alexandria, Virginia. To many of the things that preceded, like Lime Aid from Sonic, this is not a novelty. This is a seminal food item. Yeah. It belongs.

This is a top of it. I agree. And it's actually one of the only food items on this list, if not the only one that probably resembles what it's like to get hooked on cocaine or something bad, like some bad drug where you can kind of lose your mind eating Krispy creams like if somebody has the giant box with like 24 of them and you have one but there's a whole bunch of other ones in there like you can go down a rabbit hole and not come back and I've seen you do it's never just it's never just one it's a three minimum it's three I hit three and then the next question is

I'm getting the six and you know drink some water and sit down and let this buzz wear off a little bit or am I just going to go you know I'm just I'm I'm I'm I'm eating until my mouth doesn't work anymore. How many Krispy Kremes? I don't think I've ever seen you really push yourself with Krispy Kremes to see how many you could eat. What's the record? I mean, back in the day, 10 is nothing. Ten.

Ten. Taking 10 down. Because each one of those, if you're properly famished and you've had the requisite number of beers before, each one is like two, especially if they're out of the oven, they're warm. Yeah. You're basically drinking them. to Offstead again, the requisite number of beers. I had a lot of East Coast Dunkin' Donuts in my day, and I love Dunkin' Donuts, and I'm a full Dunkin' Donuts supporter.

There was a couple Dunkin' Donuts items that I felt like could have cracked this list. Most importantly, the Cruller. Another classic. Yeah, I would have no problem seeing the Dunkin'Dont Cruller on here. And their version of the Egg McMuffin, which I always thought was superior to McDonald's, even though McDonald's was the OG. Oh, blasphemy. The one with the bagel? The bagel egg and cheese?

With the bacon, I feel like they were the first ones that kind of went down that road in the 90s. Johnny come lately. I don't remember being able to order a bagel, bacon, egg, and cheese from a fast food place. If Duncan Dunes and qualified a fast food. I take your point. I get you. The McGrittle was 42, too high or too low? I think properly rated, exactly where it belongs.

Slightly novelty, but very formidable. You know, using... They're not quite pancakes as a delivery mechanism for whatever you want to stick inside there, some delicious sausage, maybe sausage egg and cheese inside of the wonderful container. 42 is right. Okay. Burger King was not really represented on here, nor was Jack in the box. Burger King got the original chicken sandwich at 43, but is Burger King just was never able to win the battle?

What is the athletic comparison to Burger King? Who's the basketball player? See, I feel like the only proper food item on here that deserves to be on here. So the Wopper, the Chickas list. I didn't think so either. There's nothing remarkable about it. The Wopper does belong. It should be much higher.

Another iconic sandwich. To me, it's the Clyde Drexler compared to the M.J. If the Big Mac is the M.J., then the Wopper is your Clyde Drexler. Very fair. The Filet of Fish made it, but the McRib did not. Well, the McRib is a seasonal. It's an occasional sandwich, so I'm okay with leaving a I bet none of your staff. I bet less than 10% of your staff have ever even laid eyes on a McRib. There was a moment for the McRib. I understand the respect for the flay of fish.

Remember when there was a sign that the McRib was in session, basically? It was a moment. Yeah, yeah. The late 80s early night is it. Oh, the McRib. It's available. Let's get there. That's right. We never really figured out what was. The glaze and the pickle. I love it. Yeah, we never really knew what the meat was, never really wanted to ask. It's unclear. Rib.

Rib is enough for me. The flay of fish could have been higher. Iconic. Okay. It deserves iconic status. If this list was made 30 years ago, Kentucky Fried Chicken would have been in the top eight. And I think the mashed potatoes with the gravy from Kentucky Fried Chicken. So really says something on what's happened to KFC.

I've never had, at 48, the cheese curds from Culver. Culver's was in here. I've never had them either, but Colvers is Wisconsin. It's a Midwest food, right? And certainly something that I'm eager to try. I had a pal of ours who traveled by himself to Green Bay to attend a Green Bay Packers game because he just wanted to experience Lambo. and he went a couple days early, and he went and did some of the fine cuisine sampling.

He's a guy in his early 50s, life-changing, life-altering experience. I had never done it that trip before, went by himself, claimed it was life-altering. And I think these cheese curts. Claire McNair wrote about them. Deep-fried cheese curds does not sound healthy. I'm not surprised that this is a Wisconsin delicacy. I love you, Wisconsin, but cheese curds, wow. And by the way, I would eat them.

It sounds like somebody said to themselves, fried mozzarella, not healthy, but we could actually get a little more unhealthy if we really racked our brains and fried mozzarella sticks. What's the next level of it? The quarter pounder was 49 and the cheeseburger from five guys was 50. Was there a major omission on this list that you just could not believe was not on? I mean, other than Bojangles, that was the one that truly offended my sensibilities. You can't leave out Bojangles all together. And there are a handful of other southern, southeast, like Zaxby's is great.

Church's fried chicken is great. I feel like fried chicken was underrepresented on this list. I probably, with my fried chicken, recognition on this list, certainly ahead of some of the novelty, you know, dessert items and so forth. But they're really glaring omission. The one that's just unacceptable is Bojangles. Lastly, we called my wife last night because my wife read this list and couldn't believe Popeyes was number four and had never been to Popeyes or taken my son to Popeyes, which I didn't know.

And my son loves fried chicken. And I was so upset and outrage that I called you so you could share my outrage and anger. And I haven't heard you that upset in a long time. Well, I was more shocked than anything. It wasn't really upset. I wasn't angry at your wife. And I certainly respect everybody. You know, go forth and she might not have had an opportunity to encounter the gory of Popeye.

She didn't know. She's in your life. And how could she be in your life and not have Pop-I? Well, that's a part of that I don't get. My wife's very favorite food is Popeye. That's a fact. That's how I'm married to this lady. Her favorite food is Popeyes fried chicken.

So I thought about this and I tried to understand why that wouldn't have happened. And I don't think there was a Popeyes in Boston that I could remember. And then in LA we have a bunch of them. Yeah, there was one in Worcester. I know exactly where it is. Well, I went to that one with you. Yeah, there was. Was a good one?

But I think, that's right. I think Popeyes, if Burger King is Clyde Drexler, I think Popeyes is more like a Barclay. Where. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Own its own corner. Yeah, one of the great superstars from the 80s that's still relevant now. And the YouTube clips really even push it to another level.

And just delivers the good every time. If I put up in a bark-a-clip on YouTube, I'm always like, wow, one of the greats. Forgot how one-of-a-kindness was. Popeye has to be a fast-food chicken place that's actually delicious is about as hard of an achievement as you can have in this day and age. maintained its consistency for all of 35 or 40 years. Why don't you be a great dad and bring home a 16-piece with a large-sized mashed potatoes? Don't let them put the gravy in. Get the gravy on the side.

Large mashed potatoes, half a thing of the jalapeno gravy, six biscuits. Be a great dad and bring that home for the family. The part I don't get is my wife spent a jack-in-the-box like 300 times with my kids. My kids, like, they actually like jack-in-the-box more than McDonald's. and I don't know how pop- And that's a West Coast thing And that's totally fair Yeah

Yeah All right No pizza on this list Because there's no such thing as fast food pizza No Chinese food on this list And Subway Really You're different

Subway was underrepresented And I'm fine with it It would have been fine if it didn't make the list It's a food stuff It's something on the go I need you know the one thing That I will say That's very very underrated

at Subway is, again, the breakfast. You can get a delicious egg white and cheese sandwich on flat bread and then layer in whatever meat you like if you would like. Obviously, you get a couple slices of bacon, but maybe you like a nice slice of ham on there as well. Little less, all a fix on the Subway are available. You can make a wonderful breakfast sandwich at Subway. Let's be honest.

Jared has really hurt Subway. The Jared thing. I think five years ago, Subway does. I think it's going to take a long time to get the Jared stink off. It just is. One of the subway sub... Five years ago, one of the subway subs makes this list. It's just tough.

It's going to be tough for subway to bounce back. Joe House, it was a pleasure. As always, enjoy your golf trip this week. Don't try to eat too much fast food. All right, see you. All right, thanks. All right, that's it. Thanks to Seek, and thanks to Theringer.com.

Don't forget to check out Food Week on the ringer.com. And don't forget to check out the Bill Simmons podcast because we were putting up three podcasts per week. We have a couple celebrities coming up this week and we also broke down everything that happened in the crazy, crazy, crazy Oscars in Monday's podcast with Wesley Morris and Sean Fennessey. Thanks for listening. Thanks for loving fast food and clicking on this podcast. I hope it made you hungry. Talk to you soon.