The Prof G Pod with Scott Galloway - Conversation with Mel Robbins — The “Let Them Theory” and How It Can Change Your Life

Episode Date: January 16, 2025

Mel Robbins, an award-winning podcast host, New York Times bestselling author, and renowned expert on mindset, behavior change, and personal growth, joins Scott to discuss the transformative ‘Let Them Theory.’ She shares how this simple yet powerful concept can improve your life and strengthen your relationships. Her latest book, The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions Can't Stop Talking About, is available now. Follow Mel, @melrobbins. Algebra of Happiness: don’t ask, just help.  Subscribe to No Mercy / No Malice Buy "The Algebra of Wealth," out now. Follow the podcast across socials @profgpod: Instagram Threads X Reddit Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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In 1932, Radio City Music Hall opened in New York City. True story, I was dating a rockhead when I first moved to New York and I went to go visit her in some like bad town in Chicago where they were on tour and I walked into their days in room where they were all partying and saw a dancer, a man doing rails of cocaine off the ass of a little person. Not a joke that actually happened. The dog loves New York. Go, go, go!

["The Dog Loves New York"] Welcome to the 332nd episode of the Prop G Pod. What's happening? The dog is howling back in the city. He's here howling at the Batmobile. I don't know where to go. Batmobile, I'm having an amazing time. Let's talk about me. Let's bring this back to me.

I know you're dying to know what's going on. I'm, where did I go? I came back, I came here, did a week last week. Then I did, it's my son calling. I'll be back in a moment. Okay. So I'm back. So what happens when you speak to your son every night at 4 p.m. your time when you're

in New York or 9 p.m. their time in London, and he calls you at 1235, which he never does, you freak out. My son never calls me out of the blue in the middle of the day. And it's like, it reminds me of when you see, you look in the rear of your mirror and you see sirens, like a murder being pulled over that kind of, you take a deep breath in. Anyways, that's what I just felt, but everything's fine. So back to me and my Arrested Adolescents tour through the United States.

Friday I went to Boca Raton, spoke at the Jefferies Conference, spent the weekend in Miami at the Faena, had a great time, and then I went to Houston for the day. Not so great, but a nice conference. Now I'm back in New York, and I think New York is absolutely on fire. I think this is a golden age in New York, and I think it's wonderful.

Okay, anyways, in today's episode, we speak with Mel Robbins, an award-winning podcast host and New York Times bestselling author and expert on mindset, behavior change, and life improvement. We discuss with Mel her latest book, The Let Them Theory, a life-changing tool that millions of people can't stop talking about. So with that, here's our conversation with Mel Robbins. Mel, where does this podcast find you? Here's our conversation with Mel Robbins.

Mel, where does this podcast find you? You mean physically? Yeah, as in where? You know what I mean, where are you? Well, no, you're a smart guy. So I'm like, is this a trick question? Is this like mental philosophical? No, no, no, no, no, yeah, yeah. I'm in Southern Vermont right now

in my home above my garage. You're legitimately the second biggest podcast in the world. How did you end up in South Vermont? Well, my son who struggled with dyslexia and ADHD, undiagnosed and bounced from public school to a school for kids with language-based learning disabilities, to a private school, just was really struggling.

And I said, dude, you can pick your high school. And at the time, we had been living outside of Boston for 20 years. Our two daughters had gone through the public high school system there and had a wonderful experience. And so I just thought, OK, we're living outside of Boston. He's going to pick a school in Boston. And all of a sudden he's like, I want to go to a school in Vermont where my grandmother lives.

And I'm like, but we don't live there. And he just kept pressing and pressing and pressing and pressing. And the honest to God truth, I can't believe I'm telling you this story, is that a psychic medium came on my, at the time, daytime talk show at the CBS broadcast center. I had told nobody that I had been fighting with our son because we basically had gotten to the point in late December of 2021, no, 2019, where I had won, he was gonna find a school in Boston, 2019, where I had won,

he was gonna find a school in Boston. The whole conversation about Vermont was over. It was not gonna happen. And then a psychic medium came on the talk show and my dead father-in-law appeared and spoke to me through the medium in this crazy story. I can tell you the whole story, it's unbelievable. And that caused us to move. And that's what happened.

That was not what I was expecting. Um, I thought it was going to be among the lines that I love to fall leaves or my parents are here. I was not expecting to meet your dead father-in-law via a psychic. Wow, I'm going to, a memo to self, I'm going to hire a psychic to tell my wife we should move to St. Barts. That's, a memo to self, I'm gonna hire a psychic to tell my wife

we should move to St. Barts. That's the learning I have here. So your latest book, The Let Them Theory, a life-changing tool that millions of people can't stop talking about. You write about how to stop wasting energy on what you can't control and start focusing on what truly matters.

It feels a little stoic. You, and there was one thing that really stood out to us. You said that the single most powerful thing you discovered was at high school prom. So say more. Oh God, okay. Like I can't believe that this theory that has fundamentally changed my life,

I discovered at my son's high school prom. So it was his junior year and like a typical mother, I was being super annoying and micromanaging, like shoving the boot nearer at him, trying to micromanage what was happening. As a boy, just let me tell you, I think we need some of that. I describe myself not as dad, but as their prefrontal cortex. So I would keep micromanaging. But anyways, I'm me tell you, I think we need some of that. I describe myself not as dad, but as their prefrontal cortex. So I would keep micromanaging. But anyways, I'm sorry, Mel, go ahead. Well, the problem is that micromanaging actually backfires.

And I know this, I don't wanna be annoying. And so here I am, like trying to control what they're doing and like I'm being, do this, do that, and my daughter was home from college and she I'm being, do this, do that, and my daughter was home from college. She just grabbed my arm, Scott, and yanked me towards her and was like, you're being annoying. Stop it. Let them, mom.

Let them do what they want to do. If they want to run in the rain, let them. If they want to eat at the taco stand, let them. If he wants to ruin his sneakers, let them. It's their problem, not yours. There was something about this cascading, let them, let them, let them. That it their problem, not yours. And there was something about this cascading, let them, let them, let them, that it just hit me. My shoulders dropped. And I was like, why do I care

about this? Why am I getting so worked up about this? And I walked up to Oakley and he's like, what? Because I was being so annoying. And said, nothing dude, here's 40 bucks, go enjoy yourself and then his shoulders dropped. That wasn't the moment. The moment was the next couple of days. Because those two words stuck with me and every single moment, Scott, where I felt annoyed or frustrated or upset or worried or judgey about something, I just said the words, let them, and I immediately felt this release. And you're right to signal stoicism, but it's not just stoicism.

The reason why the let them theory and these two words, let them, and then the second part is, let me, and that's the more important part, the let me part. The reason why this is taken off is that it doesn't stand on its own. Like it has extraordinary roots in Stoicism, detachment theory, radical acceptance, Buddhism, all these therapeutic modalities. And if I get back to the point of intellectualism, I've always wanted to be stoic. I've always wanted to be more of the kind of person that was not rattled by what's going on around me. I mean, I've read Viktor Frankl's The Man's Search for Meaning probably five times, but knowing something is very different than applying it. And so what started to happen for me is any time I felt the outside world getting to me

or another person getting to me when I said let them, it was a tool that helped me apply ancient wisdom and philosophy and therapeutic modalities in a moment in modern life when the outside world was getting to me. And after a week of using it, I was so different in terms of feeling peaceful and grounded and kind of unaffected by things that I simply put out a reel on social media, and it's the single most viral thing I've ever put out. It's like 15 million views in 24 hours. Then I naturally just did a podcast episode about it.

I did one podcast episode in late 2023, and it became the fifth most shared episode on all of Apple for the entire year. And that was with like a runway of four months. And so when you have that much data and feedback from the world that something hits, I then turned it into a research project. And what we did is we started analyzing 10,000 comments on YouTube videos and on social media posts. And we crunched all the data. And a couple things came up that

were really interesting. First of all, universally, people love let them and in fact, tattoos started rolling in with the words let them all over the place. And the reason why people love let them is because the second you And the reason why people love let them is because the second you say let them, you're not only applying stoicism and detachment theory and radical acceptance and Buddhism in the moment, but you feel superior.

Because when your friends go away without you and you're annoyed that they're on a golf trip and you're not, and then you go, let them, you kind of have a little bit of a like, fuck them, you know, when you say it, and that's why it works. Because when you rise above something, you feel better than it. But then here's what our research shows. The only complaint and concern,

other than, can I use this with children, which we can get to in a minute, is I'm saying let them, and I'm realizing my boss doesn't care about me. I'm realizing my friends don't call me back. I'm realizing I'm the only one in my family that makes an effort, and now I'm deeply lonely. And I thought to myself, there's no way in hell

I wanna put something out there in the world that's gonna make people lonelier. So it can't just end with let them, there has to be a second part. And it was based on that research that I came up with the let me part as the second step. Because one thing's very clear about life, and that's this. First of all, you can't control what's going on out there,

and I've heard you say this over and over and over again. It's not what's happening out there, it's what's happening in here, which is where your power is. The one thing you'll never be able to control is what another human being thinks, says, does, or feels, period. Full stop. Cannot control it, and any time that you pour into trying to control what other people do,

think, feel, or say is just going to frustrate you. When you say, let me, you are reminding yourself that the power is always in here because there's three things in life, only three things you can ever control. That's it. Number one, you can control what you think about something. Number two, you can control what you do or don't do in response to it. And we forget that we always have control

because we get to choose what we do or don't do. And number three, you get to choose how you're going to process the emotions that rise up. Are the emotions going to run you over and cause you to rage text or scream at people or withdraw? Or are you going to let the emotions rise and fall and process them in a way that's responsible? And let's look at this word, you know, responsibility and taking

responsibility for your life. Responsibility is just the ability to respond. That's what it is. And so let them allowed me to detach from things I can't control, which then protects my time and energy. And so I'm no longer feeling drained by life because I'm letting people be who they are and letting them be who they're not and recognizing my power is not in managing them, my power is in managing me. And then when I say let me, I'm cueing myself to the truth about life and relationships.

And that's that you always are in control and you always have the power. And that's that you always are in control and you always have the power. So, yeah, that resonates. I say a lot and it gives me a great deal of comfort. Life isn't about what happens to you, it's how you respond to what happens to you. And the biggest regret people have at the end of their life

is not the bad things that happened to them, but how upset they were about them. And so just trying to recognize, I also find, and I'm curious, I'm an atheist, and I find that atheism helps me embrace what you're talking about in the sense that everyone I'm worried about or angry at or concerned, they're going to be dead soon and so am I. So why wouldn't I just be more kind to myself, more kind to them, and just kind of move on or just try and make the most of it.

The little bit of pushback where I would love to get some nuance from you around kids. I think I have a middle, I have two boys, middle school and high school. And I struggle with the balance of what you're talking around around, let them. I think it's important that young men and I imagine girls, although I'm not raising girls, make dumb mistakes and occasionally do something stupid and maybe even risk breaking a bone. When I was in the third grade, it looked like an ER room with casts and eye patches.

And seriously, when's the last time you saw a cast in an elementary school? And I think that's both good and bad. So I like it when we let our kids, boys make mistakes. But at the same time, there's certain things, certain harms in a modern economy that I do think we have to step in on. And the way I have bifurcated it, and I want to get your view on this, is generally speaking, I find that we overprotect them

offline. And I am a big believer in embracing, and I'll use it again, and I'll credit you the let them philosophy. At the same time, I think we under protect them online. And I think we need to become much more helicopter parents around their activities online. What are your thoughts? Well, I wouldn't call it a helicopter parent. I'd call it being rational and smart. Like we're not handing our kids cigarettes

and then pretending it's not hurting them. So, you know, I'm, 100%, kids cigarettes and then pretending it's not earning them. So 100 percent, there should be no phones in schools, period. Kids should not have smartphones until the age of 16. Now, I screwed this up. The research has come out since. I would do things very, very differently. One of the things, giant caveat around the left them theory is that this is

a book about adult relationships, and it applies to adult children and teens in their late teens. However, when you're talking about dangerous, destructive, discriminatory behavior, you don't just let that play out. That's the let me part. You step in. This is what I got wrong. Because ultimately, the Letham Theory is a book about freedom, power, and control. What you can control and what you can't control. And I personally worked against the fundamental wiring of human beings for 54 years.

See, I thought that since I had to push myself out of bed, Scott, I got to push everybody else. And what you're going to learn when you start saying, let them and let me, and when you dig into the research, and this is, again, research that I learned from speaking to some of the world's leading psychologists and researchers on the topic, whether you're talking about Dr. K, the healthy gamer,

or you're talking about Dr. Stuart Abalon, or you're talking about Dr. K, the healthy gamer, or you're talking about Dr. Stuart Abalon, or you're talking about Tara Swart, or you're talking about, you know, on and on and on. I could drop names of the psychiatrists and psychologists and addiction specialists and people that study motivation and neuroscientists who are cited in this book. But the simple fact is this,

every human being, including your children, have a hardwired need for control. It is part of our survival mechanism. There is no changing it. Every human being needs to feel in control of their thoughts, their actions, their future, their money, their decisions, what they're eating. This is why kids freak out

when they don't wanna eat something that you want them to eat because they need to feel in control. And here's the mistake that we make. When somebody else's behavior, whether it's your adult kid or it's your teenager, they're doing something that worries you, bothers you, frustrates you, hurts you, whatever concerns you, we cross the line because their behavior makes us feel out of control, and we then try to control them. Here's the problem. The second you step across the line

and try to control your teenager or your adult child or your friend or your colleague or your partner, you're now bumping up against their hardwiring and their need for control. And so your behavior, worrying, pressuring, trying to bribe people, like whatever it may be, supporting people, you're trying to motivate behavior change. You're actually not motivating change.

You create resistance to change by bumping up against their need for control. And here's what I was getting wrong. So I'll give you an example. you create resistance to change by bumping up against their need for control. And here's what I was getting wrong. So I'll give you an example. So we were talking about Oakley earlier. He was not motivated in school. Why?

Because he's not doing well. Do you want to know who the hardest working kid in a classroom is? It's not the kid getting A's. It's the kid who's failing. Because they kid who's failing because they know they're failing. They know they're not reaching their potential. You want to know who the hardest working friend of yours is on their health? It's not the one going to the gym every day for two hours. Here you and I come in and I can hear Oakley playing Fortnite upstairs,

and I think he should be studying. So what do I do? I go marching up the stairs, and I swing open the door, and now I'm like, dude, you gotta get off the Xbox. You don't think he knows that playing Xbox isn't gonna help him at school? Like, you don't think that your partner knows that going for a walk is gonna make him them feel better? Like we're some sort of Einstein that knows better? It's a beautiful thing to want something more for someone else.

It's a wonderful way to love somebody, to see their potential, and to be concerned that they're not reaching it or they're sabotaging their happiness or their health or they're dating some loser that treats them like garbage, wanting more for the people that you care about isn't the problem. But if you're like me, you're actually worrying about it and going about it in the wrong way because you're working against human wiring instead of with it. And so what I discovered is a completely different approach. It's this approach where you're with them instead of at them. And I learned, I summarize it in the research, I call it the ABC loop because I'm obsessed

with making things easy and memorable because if you can't remember it, you're not gonna use it. And this is the approach I used with our son, changed everything. It's the approach I used with our son, changed everything. It's the approach I now use with anybody that I would like to change their behavior because there's one thing you can never do. You can never change another person. But I never said you couldn't influence them. And so the ABC loop summarizes all of this incredible research from all these super smart people.

And here's what you're going to do. If you're in a standoff with somebody about their weight or their grades or their job or their finances or whatever it may be or their mental health, start with A. Apologize and then ask open-ended questions. And if you really stop and think about it, when I stop and think about the situation with our son, I had been nagging this kid forever. Hadn't worked, hadn't motivated him,

but I continued to do it. And so when I finally apologize, dude, I'm really sorry. It must be a giant pain in the ass to have me constantly nagging you. I'm really sorry. It must be a giant pain in the ass to have me constantly nagging you. I'm really sorry about that. I'm gonna stop doing that. First of all, they're gonna be startled. Then you ask open-ended questions,

and this comes from Dr. K and from Dr. Stuart Avalon, and this really is this technique motivational interviewing where you're just gonna ask, I've never even asked you, how do you feel about school? And here's the most important thing. It doesn't matter what they say, Scott. Like Oakley was like, fine, and shrugged his shoulders. And then you just say, okay, well, what's fine about it, hon?

And it doesn't matter what he says. He might be like, I don't know. And then you're going to drop the really big question. This comes from Dr. Abilene's research. You just say, well, have you thought about what you might wanna do about it? Now, if you notice there's zero pressure there. Have you thought about what you might wanna do about it?

Now, this is what Dr. Abilene calls the with them approach. And your kid or your loved one has been doing nothing but thinking about their weight or thinking about the fact that they don't have a job And your kid or your loved one has been doing nothing but thinking about their weight or thinking about the fact that they don't have a job or thinking about the fact that they're the loser at school that has no friends or thinking about the fact that they're really sad and down

and they wish they didn't feel that way. Of course they thought about it, but you haven't asked them because you think you know all the answers. It's how I was because I was so worried. Have you thought about what you might want to do about this? There's no pressure and it doesn't matter what they say because the whole point of asking open-ended questions is you're excavating this tension that they feel about where they are versus where they know they'd like to be. And that tension is critical for them to feel the intrinsic motivation and the why that is necessary for a human being to not only do something once, but to source the motivation to do the very hard work to change.

And then you're going to move to B, which is back off. You've got to back off for three to six months. Because again, come back to control, Scott. For anybody to want to change, they have to feel like it's their idea. You know, in talking to a bunch of people about the let them theory, there is a sentence that kept coming up over and over from psychiatrists, which is people only get sober when being drunk is harder than doing the work to face what you're running from. And that's also a principle about human wiring, which is our brains are wired to default towards

what's easy. It's why we sit on the couch instead of going to the gym. It's why we think about our business plans or we watch your podcast and my podcast instead of starting our own. We move towards what's easy. Change requires us to work against our own wiring and do what's hard, which is why it's gotta be somebody else's idea

if they're going to do it, which is why you gotta back off. Because they got to have the space to sit with the tension and to also feel like they're not going to get penalized by you and me when they actually do the thing and we're not going to be standing there going, see, I told you it would be easier than you thought. See, I told you that you'd feel better if you went for a walk. And then the final thing is C, which is you gotta model the change.

Like I can't be asking my husband to stop drinking while I'm pouring wine. I can't ask somebody else to get in shape while I'm sitting on the couch. And any forward progress, here's the really important thing, don't be telling the person, oh, see, I told you it was easy.

Tell them you're just proud of them. So proud of you. I know this isn't easy. I'm really proud of you. Because that affirms their agency over themselves and their ability to change on their own. We'll be right back. VOX Creative.

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to manage risk and improve security in real time. For a limited time, our audiences get $1,000 off Vanta at vanta.com slash propg. That's vanta.com slash propg for $1,000 off. So let's go, let's leave childhood, let's go into young adulthood, and specifically, I think a lot about young men. And one of the things I think is really hurting young men, if you were engaging with work, engaging with school, and I think most detrimentally, not engaging in relationships, only one in three men under the age of 30 has a girlfriend, two in three women under the age of 30 has a boyfriend. And that might sound mathematically impossible,

but it's because young women are dating older because they want more economically and emotionally viable partners. And one of the things I find is most useful about being in a relationship for a young man is that relationship oftentimes implements very healthy guardrails. I know it did for me.

My girlfriend very crisply told me, if you keep getting high every night, I'm not gonna have sex with you, I'm gonna leave. I mean, if you don't put on a tie and get into work by nine, we're gonna fire you. I found these relationships were really important for me because my prefrontal cortex had not caught up to my female peers until I was 25. I literally kind of didn't get my shit together

until I was 25. I think that's early. I didn't get me until I was 54. Yeah, still, still, so getting is still a current, a present term as well. So how do you balance this? Well, one, do you agree with that? And two, how do we help young men

who may not have the option to be in a relationship for whatever reason that provides some of those what I think are healthy guardrails? How can we develop behavioral therapies or provide an environment for young men where they can improve themselves, love themselves, do, you know, quite frankly, just perform better with an increasingly competitive society

if, in fact, they don't have the benefit of a relationship. I think the biggest challenge is hope. Like I said earlier, I think the single biggest thing that stands in people's way is being discouraged, feeling like it's not going to make a difference. And you said something that's interesting. I can't remember the exact phrasing, but it was something about a man not having the option. See, the thing that I truly believe

is that we have lost sight of the power and agency that we have over our own lives. We have become obsessed with looking out there. And for people in their 20s and their 30s and even younger, you are literally growing up and your psychology and neuro pathways and your psychology and neuropathways and your nervous system are being programmed to have this habit of always referencing out there for okayness in here. And that is a massive problem.

And for young men, I am deeply concerned about how toxic the online dating scene is. I'm deeply concerned about how everybody has Frankensteined their filters and done a checklist of creating an AI version of a human being that they would like to meet. And then everybody's discouraged, whether it's the guys are discouraged because all the guys are going for the same four women and all of the women are going for the same four guys. Let me just press pause there and we'll get some paint on this.

I think that's more true of women and men, Mel. 80% of men who say, what if you could find someone with 80% of what you want? 80% say they would like that. Two thirds of women say that's not enough. I think a lot of media has trained women to immediately, you know, X out a guy. And you can't tell women to lower their standards,

but I think the dynamic here- Oh, yeah, you can. I think everybody needs to. Because I think we've gotten to a point. Everybody needs to lower their standards. Because everybody needs to step out of the fantasy world of online and back into the reality. Because what I say is this.

There's so many people who are now no longer dating. I'm not online. I'm not dating online. Are you talk... I saw you do a reel about this the other day. But if you want to meet somebody, then act like it in real life. Are you talking to people in line? Are you having an open posture towards life?

Are you saying hello to people? Are you leaving your house? Are you going to barbecues in your neighborhood? Because there are 8 billion people on this planet. There are people all around you, whether you live in a tiny town or you live in a big city. And using the excuse, again, discouragement, you're allowing and giving power to online apps over the most important thing in your life,

which is who will become your life partner. And so number one, stop giving the power to the apps. And if you are going to be on them, change all your filters. Open the aperture, which is what you need to do with your entire life. Open the aperture by going, I don't care about height. They can be 50 miles from here. I don't care about race. I don't care about income.

I don't care about this. I don't care about that. Because the whole point of putting yourself out there is not just so that you can meet people, it's also so that you learn more about yourself and so that you become an open person. And the fact is, like, thinking and telling yourself a story that you're never going to meet somebody or why bother or the apps all suck or dating is toxic or the toxic culture of dating, don't participate in it. You give power to it if you talk about it and if you actually participate in it. And I'm going to remind you of something, and this is where Let Them and Let Me comes into

play for 20s and 30s something, like unbelievably. Because part of the reason why dating is so difficult and relationships are so challenging is because you're up in a relationship with a fantasy instead of accepting the reality that's right in front of you. And number one, if you want a relationship, prove it. Get your ass out there, start talking to people in lines, change the filters, and this goes for men and women. Second, stop giving the power to the apps and realize that it's about how you show up in life. And third, understand, and this is something that I can't do for somebody, it's something

that you can't do for somebody, but understand that your happiness, that your future, your earning potential, despite what the statistics say. And I love that you are talking about the reality of what's happened in the housing market. I love that you're talking about the reality of what is happening in research. And at the end of the day, at some point, you have to say, yes, and. And I still have power. And I still have within me the ability to learn how to think differently. I have the ability to get my ass off of social media and to the gym. I have the ability to watch YouTube videos and update my

resume. I have the ability, just like Mel Robbins did, to pay off $800,000 in debt, not overnight, but by chipping away at it for 10 years. And that's the reality. And so I agree with you. What are we gonna do about it? There's only so much that we can do about it, because what I've learned in life is that there is a corresponding level of pain

that is required in a human being's life to organize the internal drive and motivation to say enough. I don't know how I'm gonna change. I just know that the way that I'm living my life is so painful that I gotta do something. And you don't have to know, like when I was 41 years old and $800,000 in debt and there were leans on the house

and the anxiety was so bad, I couldn't get out of fucking bed. I didn't know what I was gonna do with my life, Scott. I just knew that I couldn't stand living the way that I was living anymore. And so as dumb as this sound, it sounds like a Seinfeld episode. Literally, if you don't know what you want or what to do, do the opposite of what you're doing.

If you're lying in bed all day, get the fuck out of bed. If you're tired of living at your parents' house, then stop playing video games and watch YouTube videos about how you can update your resume and get a job and make money. If you're tired of wasting time looking at influencers online and you've really loved to learn how to monetize online, then prove it.

Prove it through your actions. Do what you don't feel like doing. That's how I changed my life. I realized nobody is coming. And at some point, you got to wake up and realize Prove it through your actions. Do what you don't feel like doing. That's how I changed my life. I realized nobody is coming. And at some point, you got to wake up and realize that it's up to you. It's always been up to you. And when you accept that truth about life, that no matter how discouraged you are, no

matter how overweight you are, no matter what your grades were or they weren't or where you are, that doesn't define where you're going to go. And that's not some just motivational bullshit. This is how anybody who has gone from a very low point in their life to something better has done it. It's not magical, it's grueling. You learn how to get out of bed when you don't feel like it. You learn how to put one foot in front of your next foot when you don't feel like it. And back to the adult kids, the more you continue to rescue your kids

and you shield them from what Harvard's Dr. Waldinger says is the greatest teacher in the world, which is life. The more you shield people from learning from life, the more you keep them from changing their life. And this is also an epidemic in terms of what I see as a failure to thrive in kids in their late teens and their twenties. As parents that have stepped in and tried to make things

too easy for their kids, instead of allowing kids to learn that when you get drunk with your friends and you sleep through work, you're going to get fired. And when you get fired, then you're not going to have money to go out and get drunk with your friends and you're going to take your job a little bit more seriously. I mean, you can call it tough parenting, but I actually think it's one of the reasons why kids are struggling, that too many parents have made it too easy for their kids, and that's why they don't know how to dig deeper

and drive harder. Yeah, bulldozer parenting. On the Jay Shetty podcast, you said, "'Love is two things, consideration and admiration. Say more. Yeah, I think love is just something that is omnipresent. It's so simple.

So consideration is just having somebody in mind. I mean, when you make somebody a cup of coffee and you put in almond milk, even though you take whole milk, that's consideration for somebody. That's an act of love. When you hold open the door for somebody who's got their arms full of bags, that's an act of love. You have somebody in mind.

Admiration is the ability to admire something about somebody. And one of the things that really troubles me is we've become so polarized in this world that if you don't agree with everything that I believe, I now just cut you out or can't talk to you or dismiss you. And it's on both sides. And admiration is the ability, despite the fact that one of your parents might have a narcissistic personality style, to see that and still admire the fact that they're hardworking admire the fact that they're hardworking or that they're loyal and they keep showing up. And so admiration is this ability to see the good in someone. And as you say, things aren't

as good or as bad as they seem. And there's this inability for us to hold space for other human beings, to see them as they are, to see them as they aren't, to accept them as they are and as they aren't, because in that space of seeing that somebody can struggle, Scott, and they also have the capability inside themselves to meet the challenge of their life. We'll be right back. Two influencers, both alike in dignity and some other stuff, on the internet where we lay our scene.

Let's talk about all of my favorite basics from Amazon that you need in your winter wardrobe. Some people think this is weird, but I get all my clothes on Amazon. This is what I would buy if I didn't already own them. I just got in a bunch of super cute packages from Amazon, so let's open them up. Their aesthetic is beige. It's serene. It's a little basic on purpose. And now one is suing the other for stealing her vibes.

There's a lot of things going on in the actual suit, but what it boils down to really is one of the women, Sydney Gifford, says that the other woman, Alyssa Sheal, just won't stop copying her. Coming up on Today Xplained. This episode is brought to you by Crescent Family Office. Entrepreneurs understand the challenges of building a successful business. You've probably spent years pouring your heart into different ventures, and maybe even had some serious wins.

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a call with a Crescent founder at crescentcapital.com. We are not clients of Crescent. There are no material conflicts other than this paid endorsement. All investing involves risk, including loss of principle. So you've been very generous with your time. We were talking about your husband off mic, and I've decided he's my new rabbi or best friend. Sounds like such an impressive dude. You know, say you're blessed with a partner, right?

But you love this person immensely and you wanna not only enhance their life, you wanna strengthen the relationship as you enter into years where maybe the kids are leaving and you're gonna have, as you said, the most important decision you can make is your partner and it's gonna become even bigger in your life. Are there any unlocks you have found with your husband

that have tangibly changed the quality of that relationship? Yeah, so we've been married 28 years and it has been, you know, you go through a roller coaster of investing your life savings and cashing everything out and shoving it into one person's business and then you lose it all. You have been to hell and back. And I think there's a couple things. Number one, try to never forget who you married because they're in there. Like I think we see the good in somebody

and we know there's good intent and then your relationship becomes a death by a thousand cuts of things that build up that shield you from recognizing that that person is still in there. The second thing is, is I think a lot about a seesaw. And a relationship goes the distance only for two reasons. Because you have two people who want it to. And you have two people who are willing to do what it takes

to make it go the distance. And if you think about your relationship like a seesaw, right, on a playground, there are gonna be times where one of you is up, the other's down, times when you're up, the other one's down, and then lots of times where you're in balance. And the simple secret is don't get off the seesaw.

Because the second you do, because you no longer want to work on it, or you no longer think it's going to go the distance, the whole thing breaks. And in any relationship that you've been in where you look backwards and it didn't work, you can see that way before the breakup, somebody got off the seesaw. And so the first thing that I would say is ask yourself, are you even on it? Because if you're not, it's not going to work. Now for deeper insight, because my husband and I have worked with an awesome therapist for the last three years in our relationship and it's been incredible. You know one of the things that Chris has learned in leading men's retreats because I he doesn't

really share a lot with me because it's confidential but I I've said to him, you know, what is like one big takeaway? And he has had a huge range of men, whether it's former NFL players or people that have done six tours of duty, ages 21 to 73, and they all come together for five days in the wilderness and to really talk about the meaning and purpose of life in their next chapter. And he said, the one thing is,

is that every man that comes on my retreat says that they never have time for themselves because everybody's needs come first. And I was like, wait a minute, that's not true because women feel like, oh, we take care of everybody else and you guys are all playing golf or watching the game and that's not true. And he's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. We feel a tremendous burden to provide, a tremendous burden to care for, and to make sure everybody's okay.

And it is such a hardwired thing, Mel, that most men, including myself, don't even know what we need because nobody's actually asked us. And truly embracing that is true has really changed our relationship because I started to think it is true. You know, Chris doesn't ask for much. He's kind of the silent foundation of our family. He grew up as the youngest of a family of three boys. And so it was just kind of go, go, go, go, go. And he was the caboose on the train. And it's taken a lot of talking back and forth for him to A, start to understand what he might need, B, for him to express it, and C, for me

as his partner to slow down and actually listen and provide it. And honest to God, Scott, it's everything from profound and things in the bedroom to the stupidest shit that's actually everything. Like, for example, you know, there's a bazillion Amazon boxes that show up at people's houses these days, and I'm the kind of person that I get the box, I unpack the box, but then I don't flatten the box.

I stack the boxes like a Tetris kind of statue next to the door to the garage. Chris has asked me a hundred times to flatten the boxes and I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And finally one day he sat me down. He said, listen, I got to tell you something. He said, every time I see that tower of boxes by the door, I literally feel like you're standing there giving me the middle finger. Because I have asked you to flatten these boxes.

And I of course would interrupt him and say, well, I'm just gonna do it later. Why do it one at a time when I do it later? He's like, I understand and you don't do it later. And then I eventually do it. And it makes me feel like you think I'm the maid and that I'm beneath you. And when he stopped and explained it like that, it hit me because I don't want him to feel like that. And here we are arguing about cardboard boxes

when it's actually about being seen and valued in this partnership. And if somebody asks you to flatten cardboard boxes and they don't do it, you've got to let them. And then you go to the let me part, which is let me choose what I'm gonna think, do and say about this. And so Chris chose to the let me part, which is let me choose what I'm going to think, do and say about this. And so Chris chose to come to me and to have a conversation about the deeper implication

that my behavior had on him. And this is very important. In a relationship, your behavior has an impact on other people. And that might not be your intention to impact somebody that way. But if a person that you care about comes to you and explains that your behavior is impacting them a certain way, you get to choose whether you're going to clean that up or not. And this gets back to your question about what is the definition of love.

And I say it's consideration and admiration. I admire Chris for coming to me when he wasn't pissed off and sharing the deeper emotion under this what seems like a dumb issue. And consideration and love looks like listening, acknowledging, and then changing. like listening, acknowledging, and then changing. Because an apology with your words is cheap. A true apology happens with a change of behavior. And so after that conversation, Chris has to let me be me.

That conversation is what changed my behavior, Scott. Now, I get it right about 80% of the time. There are days where it's super busy, I stack the boxes, but I'll text him and say, hey, I got caught up, I'm gonna do the boxes later. That simple text is everything. Because what? I had him in mind.

It's a way that I show him that his needs matter to me. And because I behave the way that I did, I also am showing him through my behavior that I am a safe and loving person to talk to. And if you understand and you accept the research, which I do, that most men through the hypermasculinity of shut up and don't cry and don't be a baby have been socially conditioned to never actually express or to share their needs. If you accept that as truth, which I do, any time a son or a brother or a male colleague or a partner or anybody, your father comes to you in life and shares a moment where they need something from you or they're expressing how your behavior impacted to them,

fucking listen, because it takes a tremendous level of courage and trust in you for them to come to you. And it is an example of somebody trying to change generational and societal programming to take accountability for the rest of their, for how their life is. And that's a huge thing. And so, you know, if you go back to your question too about boys, I would say that it has a lot to do too with how parents and other adults around young boys and boys in middle school are also modeling emotional intelligence, emotional resilience,

the ability to talk about your feelings. It really matters. Just as we wrap up here, I did an interview, I think it was with Der Spiegel or some German newspaper. And they wanted to talk about Joe Rogan. I'm like, I'm sick of talking about Joe Rogan. I got nothing to say about Joe. You know, everything about Joe's already out there. And they said, well, who are the next, you know, things always change, who is the next Joe Rogan?

And I said, it's one of two people. It's either Stephen Bartlett, I don't know if you know Stephen. Of course, know him well. And I said, or Mel Robbins. And they said, well, what is it about them? What do they do that's different? And I said, it's not that they do anything that different,

it's just they do every little thing a little bit better. I would love for you to provide some insight into any hacks or secret sauce around what has made your podcast, which quite frankly, the format's not that different, the subject material is not. Yeah, it is. I think it is. Well, then we'll start there. What advice would you have for either creators, podcasters, or entrepreneurs in general that has been an unlock for you and in your eyes has been a key part of your...

There are 600,000 podcasts putting out content every week. Most weeks you are in the top five. Sometimes you're number one. What tips and insights would you have for other entrepreneurs and creators? Couple things. Number one, being good on the mic is the cost of entry. Happy to have some talent.

Well, no, no, no. Meaning people over focus on that. And I think that it's all the little things that actually make you incredible that people don't wanna do. So most people roll up to a mic, do an interview and then post it. That's not what I do at all.

And the other thing that I do that's very different is half of my episodes are solos, no interviews. And they are the most successful by far. And here's the huge tip that I will give you. Every business and every podcast is one-to-one. You will never hear me say the word us. You will never hear me name my audience as some big community. I am only ever talking to one person.

They are in their car or they are in their home or they are taking me on a walk. And the fact that a human being has not passing time, Scott, but they have chosen to make time to spend with me, I take that as one of the deepest and most important privileges in the world. And so when you're on my podcast, I'm not actually talking to you, Scott. I'm talking to the person that has made the time to listen to something that could improve their life.

And so when I say every single business is one-to-one and the mistake that people make is they think it's for hundreds of thousands of people, if you can actually move one person emotionally, if the thing that you've created is worth their time, they will share it with somebody else. Here's the other thing you'll notice. I never ask you to subscribe. I never ask you to follow because that's about me. My podcast is about you. Absolutely everything that we have been done comes down to the intention.

Number one, it's a walk with a friend. And my job is to make you feel better and to move you. I've either moved you into action, I've moved you intellectually, I've moved you emotionally action, I've moved you intellectually, I've moved you emotionally, or I've moved you to share. That's the intention of the podcast. The second thing then is one-to-one. If a person who has never heard of me, who has no clue who I am, has never even listened to a podcast, gets forwarded this from a friend, is it worth their time?

And if we can check those two boxes, we've won. And for me, the success of this is a testament to those two things, the intention and the focus of who we're trying to impact and how. And everything we do is reverse engineered to fulfill against that. Mel Robbins is an award-winning podcast host, New York Times bestselling author and expert on mindset, behavior change, and life improvement.

Her latest book, The Let Them Theory, a life-changing tool that millions of people can't stop talking about, is out now. I love some of these quotes from media. USA Today said that you are a force to be reckoned with. Time Magazine said that you give millions of listeners around the globe a reason to believe in themselves. What a nice thing to have someone say about you.

Congratulations on all your success. And you're gonna see a lot of me because I've decided I'm now very good, good friends with your success. And you're gonna see a lot of me because I've decided I'm now very good, good friends with your husband. Because I need him in my life. This guy sounds so impressive and supportive. He's fantastic. I have to get in touch with you.

And the other thing I'm really excited to share with you is that this book is on its way to break all records for a non-fiction launch. Love it. Thanks so much for your time, Mel. Algebra of happiness. Something hit me really hard this past few days. I've been thinking a lot about the fires

as is everyone in Los Angeles. Specifically, I grew up there, so I recognize some of the, I used to go on first dates at a place called Moonshadow, so it is no longer there. Specifically, LA for me was the incredible experience at the University of California Los Angeles,

which kind of inspired this in actual upward spiral for me once I got my act together. And I absolutely love LA. I just think it's magical. And I think the reason why downward spiral for me once I got my act together. And I absolutely love LA. I just think it's magical. And I think the reason why people will rebuild there, despite the fact that it's an epicenter for droughts, earthquakes and fires is because it's fucking magical. The collision of entertainment, beach, sky, sea, land,

Mexican culture, the internet. It's just so fucking fabulous. You wake up in February and it's 62 and dry with a light breeze. And then I don't know, should we go to the Hollywood bowl tonight and see, and see, you know, Dua Lipa? Not sure if she's played the bowl anyways, or maybe just go hang out and walk along the Zuma beach or go to In-N-Out Burger on our way to, I mean, I just, LA is, LA is amazing.

And there's a reason why people take these risks. And I think the reason why it's going to build back better and stronger anyways, I was texting people, are you all right? Is there anything I can do? And this rabbi who I follow, a rabbi named Steven Leeder, who's in Los Angeles said something or wrote something saying, asking people what you can do or how you can help is the wrong thing to ask.

Because people don't wanna feel like victims, people don't wanna burden you. It feels like a little bit of weakness to say, oh, I really could use help here. People don't do that. The right way to help somebody is not to ask them how you can help, it's just to move to help.

And that is show up and say, hey, I know you got a lot going on right now. Can I take your dogs? Do you need some help? Here's a picture of the room we have. So you live in Orange County. Here's a picture of the room. It's ready for you.

Just come down. Wire the money. That's what I've been doing. And I'm virtue signaling, but I'm at a point in my life where I have more time than money. And so I enjoy giving money away. It makes me feel generous and masculine and I'm blessed a point in my life where I have more time than money. And so I enjoy giving money away. It makes me feel generous and masculine

and I'm blessed that way. So I have been wiring money to people. I don't ask if I have their wiring information. I just wire them money. And then they call me and they say, what's this for? I'm like, disaster relief. It's chaos out there right now. I hope it helps.

I'm a GoFundMe whore right now. I'm moving to action. I'm not calling people. I'm gonna stop calling people and asking what I can do. I'm just gonna move to do, the do part. And I think it's so powerful. And not only that, it's so rewarding. I can't tell you the emotions and cementing of relationships

it has caused or inspired amongst me and some people in the affected areas when you just you just help them you just Do something and you don't ask you don't try and pretend you're strong or force them to admit they need help you just do it This episode is produced by Jennifer Sanchez our Internist and shoe lawn drew burrows is our technical director. Thank you for listening to the ProfG pod from the Vox Media Pacas Network. We will catch you on Saturday for No Mercy No Malice as read by George Hahn and please follow our ProfG Markets pod wherever you get your pods for new episodes every Monday and Thursday.