The Prof G Pod with Scott Galloway - What Actually Predicts Divorce, and What Women Really Want in a Partner — ft. James Sexton

Episode Date: September 9, 2026

In part one of a two-part Office Hours special on relationships, Scott Galloway is joined by divorce attorney James Sexton to break down the subtle signals that predict divorce, why fairness and desir...e pull in opposite directions, and the red flags people talk themselves out of. Want to be featured in a future episode? Send a voice recording to officehours@profgmedia.com, or drop your question in the r/ScottGalloway subreddit. Plus, you can now call or text Scott a question at our new Office Hours hotline: ‪(201) 472-3656‬. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, everybody, Cassidy Hubbard here. This week on Ann Mom, entrepreneur and licensed therapist, Nina Westbrook, reveals what surprised her about having girls, why she became a marriage and family therapist, and how she got the nickname, Calm Queen. Check out the latest episode of Ann Mom, wherever you get your podcast. Welcome to Prof. Geon Relationships, a special two-part series about love, marriage, and what it takes to make a partnership blast. We're joined by divorce attorney and author James Sexton, who's become a bit of a, like, almost like a, I don't know, a relationship guru, having seen kind of the other side of what a successful relationship look like. Together, we're going to try to answer your questions about what predicts divorce, how couples maintain both fairness and desire, and what we've learned from navigating complicated relationships. James, it's great to see you. Yeah, good to see you, too, Scott.
Starting point is 00:00:56 Always, always fun. Yeah, the algorithm is clearly you're, and I feel as if, I feel as if I know you better than I do because I'm getting, I'm getting so much insight into you. I really enjoy your social media presence and your ability to break stuff down. I really appreciate it, man. You know, I think we've, we've run a lot of parallel paths in terms of our, not only our NYU affiliations, but also our, our status as divorced men who then, you know, who had children and kind of been through the whole. experience of it and talk a lot about the intersection between relationships and work and life and balance and how to try to get the whole thing right. And also, you really saw me through the entire pandemic. I listened to Pivot just nonstop over and over. Between Pivot and the Peloton bike, it was like the only thing that kind of kept me sane. So I feel like I'm in your servitude forever now. All right, let's roll. So neither of us have seen these questions. The question number one
Starting point is 00:01:51 comes from Jacob Stab on Instagram. Which is the most important predictor of a divorce and the one keeping a relationship. Go for it, James. You know, I think the biggest predictor of divorce is, something subtle on that is just disconnection between two people. I think everybody looks for like the big relationship killers, you know, like people who are in open relationships or people who, you know, sometimes that's the blood and the water, you know, of the relationship being in distress. But I think it's actually much more subtle than that. I think people get divorced and their relationships fall apart the same way that I think Thomas Wolfe said people go bank bankrupt very slowly and then all at once. So I think it's a lot of little small pieces of disconnection
Starting point is 00:02:32 that eventually just catastrophically lead to the failure. You have a great story about when your clients and it involved granola. Do you know what I'm talking about it? Can you talk about that story? Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, I talk about it in the book too where I had a client very put together beautiful young woman in her 30s and she was getting divorced two young kids. He was successful guy in finance. And, you know, you spend a lot of time with people when you, you know, you go a lot of miles when you're their divorce lawyer and you get to know them really well in a very candid way. And I was just sitting outside of the courthouse with her and we were chatting. I was drinking espresso on a lunch break. And I just said something along the lines of like, when did you realize that the relationship was over? And she told me a story about how there was granola, this particular type of granola that she would put every morning in her yogurt and they only sold it at this one whole foods. And she said he used to just always like buy the granola for her. She never had asked. for it. He didn't ask for like, you know, what Chris Williamson calls Good Boy Points, you know, and we do something for our significant other. And we go, oh, babe, did you see what I did? He would just do it. And she said, it made her always feel so loved. And at some point, she said,
Starting point is 00:03:36 you know, it just, the granola just ran out. And she kept waiting for him to refill it. And he never did. And she realized, you know, yeah, there's things going down. And I said to her, was there anything like that on your end? And without missing a beach, she said, yeah, blow jobs. And I spit my espresso across the courthouse. And she said, yeah, when you're first dating, I was like, you know, like I would give them to them to them pretty often. Sometimes in the morning, it'd set them off on the right tone for the day. And she said, and then at some point, you know, maybe when the kids came or life got in the way, she said, I just got to the point. I was like, oh, well, you know, I'll wait till tonight and we'll have sex and we'll both enjoy it.
Starting point is 00:04:14 She's like, but I don't really know why I stopped. She's like, it wasn't like something happened. We both just, and really, it stuck in my mind because there was this sense of, like there's this atrophy that starts to happen. And it starts to create this weird spiral where it's like, well, I don't owe you that. Well, I don't owe you this. And, you know, what's interesting to me about that as a divorce or is I see the effect of it. But then in this work I do in the relationship space, I find myself thinking, well, you could kind of reverse that spiral, which is I don't have to send a text in the middle of the day saying,
Starting point is 00:04:44 hey, hey, babe, I was thinking of you or leave a note in the morning that says, like, hey, I had a lot of fun watching a movie on the couch with you last night. I married the prettiest girl in the world. But it's nice to do that. It doesn't cost anything. It takes 30 seconds. And maybe it reversed. Because what, you know, I said to her, what came first, the chicken or the egg?
Starting point is 00:05:00 Was it the granola or the blow jobs? What ran out first? And she really couldn't tell me. And so I think there's a lesson there. Yeah. The research I've seen on an empirical level from John Gottman's Love Lab work at the University of Washington, UW, is that, is that, contempt is a very strong indicator of divorce. And like when you're out with a couple and one is rolling their eyes or just finds everything
Starting point is 00:05:29 their partner is saying to be, they can't hide their disgust. Yeah, I've always said the most dangerous phrase for me, the biggest predictor of a divorce is when I hear someone respond to their spouse with the following. What? Like, what? Like just that contemptuous, what are you on about? And it's fascinating me. because we all, you know, like you said, you sit down sometimes with couples or you go out with couples,
Starting point is 00:05:54 and you can just feel on people, you know, when there's this sense of like disrespect or disconnection. But what's interesting is you can also reverse it, you know, when you're out to dinner with that couple, all you have to do is say to one of them, so tell me about when you guys met. How did you guys meet? And you can actually see like a softening happen when they're telling that story because they go back in time to that place where there was still this abundance of optimism and connection. So a lot of my work is really about, you know, as a divorce lawyer for 25 years in the trenches on these things, like I see how it catastrophically fails. And if you want to figure out how to keep something together, like if you want to figure out how to keep your car together, you don't talk to a new car dealer. You talk to a mechanic who's seeing them break down, you know. So that's how I try to view this is, look, whether you like it or not, this is just what's sitting across from me in a courtroom and in an office. The other factor, and it's much more uncomfortable to talk about because it's not aspirational, and it just has sexist overtones, but I think there's data to back this up.
Starting point is 00:06:53 What I have found is a pretty strong predictor of divorce is economics, specifically when the man in the relationship stops making money or is making less money than the woman. Absolutely. And it's uncomfortable to talk about, but personally, that's where I have found. And also, the likelihood of divorce doubles when the woman starts making more money than the man. And it's not something we like to talk about because it positions women in an uncomfortable light. I would also argue, though, what we're missing in that data set is that I think men, when they lose their economic vitality, they become insecure and quite frankly, unproductive. in the relationship.
Starting point is 00:07:43 So I would even say counterproductive in the relationship. They become antagonistic to the relationship. And resentful. And in other words, it's not just a woman saying, you're no longer the baller you where I'm out. It's just the economic strain, the lack of self-esteem on the man's part creates real agitone the relationship.
Starting point is 00:08:02 Your thoughts, chance? Yeah, 100%. I mean, I see it all the time. I see it from both sides because I represent husbands. I represent wives. I, I, what it more often is, is the cascading effect of a man loses his job, he feels emasculated. He feels like, you know, his role as a
Starting point is 00:08:20 provider, again, even if both of them are working people, both of them are successful, even if she makes more money than him, when there is that loss or that demotion or some disgrace associated with work, there's this sense of self that gets taken away from a man, you know, and that causes him to have a kind of self-hate that then radiates at everyone around him, substance issues start to kick up. He starts to drink a little bit more. He starts to smoke a little more, whatever it might be. And then there's this effect. And again, it's super easy in this world we've created of boys versus girls on the algorithm to say, oh, well, this is a man being insecure over his woman, or this is a woman cashing her chips out at the casino because now he's not making money
Starting point is 00:09:00 anymore. But really what it is, is what did the job loss? What were the second order effects of that on his internal life and the way that he shows up in the relationship and how he feels about himself. I see it all the time and I've represented, like I said, both sides of that equation. And it's a really heartbreaking thing to see because, you know, there are so many politicians on the right in particular that talk so much about the sanctity of marriage and wanting to preserve and protect marriage. And yet, when we look at the statistics that talk about marriage does better when people have, you know, economic stability and can meet their basic needs, they're not in distress. People who have a bachelor's degree or higher have lower divorce rates. When you start to point
Starting point is 00:09:40 these things out and say, hey, maybe creating conditions where there's catastrophic job loss and putting massive strain on marriages might be more worth your attention than griping about no-fault divorce and how it's ruining the world. So there are real solutions to these problems, but they're part of a serious discourse as opposed to like the boy versus girl thing that works so well. I've also thought that in a very, I don't know, course, I think all relationships are a certain form of transaction. It's just a question of the currency and the cadence. And last year, family, I would argue, there's a really healthy level of what I'll call irrational loyalty within families. And I actually think that's important for the survival of the
Starting point is 00:10:21 species. I describe family as people you otherwise wouldn't choose to hang out with. But what I saw, my dad is... That's because we both survived having teenage sons. That's probably why. There you go. There's no way I'm getting a return there. No way. They're never going to be up at 2 a.m. worried about me. I just know. There's no way the hundred. There's no way the home they're going to put me and it's going to cost me, cost them more than UVA has cost me this year. No, jello has never cost that much. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. But what I, my dad was a case study in marriage and divorce, married and divorced four times as far as we know. And his third marriage, a really nice woman,
Starting point is 00:10:54 Linda, first person who ever spoiled me, but my dad was never very engaged, quite frankly, he was never very nice. Didn't bring a lot of emotional or domestic support to the relationship, but he was a good provider. And then when he stopped. being a provider, and I hope Linda doesn't take too much offense to this because I don't mean it as a criticism, I think she did the math and said, all right, if you're no longer bringing in money and you're no longer really present in the relationship and you're not picking up slack with domestic and emotional labor, I'm out. And I think a lot of men, quite frankly, don't, when they lose their economic vitality or it reduces, I think a lot of women wake up and say,
Starting point is 00:11:37 okay, I'm paying the bills, and I'm fucking doing the dishes, and I'm the one picking up the kids. There's a sense that men have to of purpose in the workplace that very often, you know, over time when that, I mean, I've had clients who, you know, a person retires and their spouse, you know, literally comes in and says, look, I said for better or for worse, I didn't say for lunch. like I did not plan on having this person around. I have a routine. I have a life. And now this person's sort of dottering around without direction because they were, you know, spending so much of their time and their emotional and physical bandwidth on work. And now that's gone.
Starting point is 00:12:10 The most successful retired people are retired people who, you know, just replace work with some other volunteering or a church or whatever it might be. So I think that there is a clear in every part of our lives. There's a sense of like, do you have a place to go, a thing to do? and something to be passionate about. And I think when we lose that, we lose a big piece of our inner compass. And I think when we flail in our sense of self,
Starting point is 00:12:36 how can we not flail in relationship? I mean, a relationship is the you, the me, and the we. So if the you or the me starts falling apart, how is the we supposed to hold it together? Yeah, let's, I thought that was great. Let's move on to question number two, which also comes from Instagram, Ms. V lady asks,
Starting point is 00:12:52 modern relationships often promote equality, but attraction frequently depends on differences in power, competence or polarity. How do couples preserve both fairness and desire over decades without one undermining the other? James? You know, I tend to think we need to be thinking about equity and not equality. I think fairness is what's important. I mean, I've said before when I talk about relationships, look, if I love to cook and you don't like to cook, the school of thought that says, well, we should do 50-50 on the cooking. Okay, so you should spend half the time doing something you don't enjoy and I should lose half the time doing something I enjoy. It doesn't make any sense.
Starting point is 00:13:29 But that being said, you should know how to cook a little bit. Like, I'm going to be away at some point and you need to like do something other than DoorDash. Same thing with finances. You know, I have tons of clients who come in and they just know absolutely nothing about the marital finances because the other person in the relationship, you know, enjoy doing the investing and balancing the books and keeping eye on things. So I always tell clients and I always tell friends, look, you know, everybody should know how to do everything a little bit. But you should be leaning into the fact that you don't marry yourself, you know, like Steve Jobs and Steve Woznak, each one of them without the other.
Starting point is 00:14:04 Without Steve Woznak, Steve Jobs would have been, you know, a very, a guy with a lot of vision and he couldn't really accomplish very much. And without, you know, Steve Woznak, you know, Steve, I'm sorry, without Steve Jobs, Steve Woznak would have just been a really talented software engineer who didn't really know how to have vision of anything. Together they changed the world. I think the best couples, whether it's, you know, John and Paul, or whether it's, you know, the jobs and was in that combination. Like, I think the best couples, we have complementary sets of skills. We have complementary pathologies in terms of where our insecurities lie and how we can complement those for each other.
Starting point is 00:14:39 But the best thing to do, obviously, is to be able to, like, say that quiet part out loud. We're really taught in this culture, I think now, in this moment that we're in, that, like, well, why do you like that? and why do you feel that way? Look, you feel how you feel. You know, and by sheer power of will, if you think you're going to change your feelings or your desires, that's as insane as thinking you can pray the gay away. Like, it just doesn't work. Like, the desire we have is the desire we have. And it's rooted in culture, biology, you know, so many things that for us to pretend that we're going to be able to just modify it based on, you know, being more evolved in the culture, I think it's foolish. We can be the most girl boss culture in the world, but look at 50
Starting point is 00:15:21 shades of gray, look at Twilight, look at all romance novels out there, look at all of the film that's out there. It's usually some archetypal, big, bold, strong, dominant guy who's still the hero. Of course, he has an emotional vocabulary now, but it's still that kind of an archetype. And again, it's speaking to something in us. And I don't think, I think feminism and the idea of liberation from the rigidity of gender roles was there to serve men and women without, you know, allowing us to access, you know, the real, you know, volume that's contained in us and letting us be who we really are without those restrictions. I think in relationship, you've got to do the same thing. Yeah, so, and again, I'll be accused of being a John X. Boomer here and out of touch,
Starting point is 00:16:06 and some of that might be true. But what I have found is that TikTok and Instagram and most podcasts are lying to you about what women want in a man. I do think that there is absolutely a recognition and an appreciation for men who are willing to be vulnerable, more in touch with their feelings. And generally speaking, women have leveled up, and they're demanding that men bring more to the table. It's just a marketplace, right? If all of a sudden, men just got much better looking and, you know, much more successful and interesting, they would want higher caliber mates. You know, if you, if the marketplace affords you with economic independence, you're not economically indentured to someone, then you might think, well, maybe
Starting point is 00:16:53 being alone is a better is actually a pretty good plan B. So the market is shifted, and men have to adjust to that. Having said that, I have found this notion that if you were to build the perfect man according to social media, it would be this guy who's working on himself, very sensitive, listens all the time. That's called a friend. That's called your gay best friend. And I don't think that's the guy women want to have sex with. I'm sorry. I think things have changed, but I still think there is a, I don't know for lack of a better term, a masculine male energy that regardless of what women claim to say in their TikToks or on social media is not who women want to mate with. Well, I think who we claim we're attracted to and who we're
Starting point is 00:17:46 attracted to may very often be different things. I think you and I are of the same generation, so we had two choices growing up. We could be Clint Eastwood or Richard Simmons. Those were your two choices. There was nothing in between. There was nothing in between. And that was kind of our two choices. And so I feel like now, you know, raising sons who are 26 and 28, I see that they have a broader emotional palate to choose from, which is amazing. But I still think the truth is the truth, and it was true of my father and it's true of my generation and it's true of my sons. And I suspect it'll be true of their sons, which is that every girl wants a bad boy who's only good for her, and every man wants a good girl who's only bad for him. And that's it. And that's always been,
Starting point is 00:18:25 and I think it will always be, because I think this is something about the human creature, in heterosexual relationship dynamics, that's just an archetype that feeds for all of us, and it's been very successful in the dating marketplace. But I think you're right. We've now created this prodigious amalgam of traits that are just totally disconnected from reality, because we want someone who's a billionaire but also has an abundance of free time. It isn't obsessed with work, but also is incredibly physically healthy, but also knows how to have fun and be laid back and eat whatever and be decadent. These are like all contrary things. And trying to find this perfect union of contrary things is absolutely bananas. The recently, literally recently, I've had
Starting point is 00:19:09 three women approach me and say, do you have any single friends? These are very progressive, impressive, impressive women. And then they'll say under the breath as if it's embarrassing, they're like, and this might surprise you, but I like kind of like a more manly man. I'm like, no shit, that's called being a woman.
Starting point is 00:19:23 And it's nothing to be, that doesn't mean, it doesn't mean the man can't be emotionally sensitive and vulnerable, but they say it as if it's like a, like they're almost a little bit embarrassed by it. The other, and I realize you're not a therapist, you're a lawyer, but most of my friends, and I don't know if this is generational.
Starting point is 00:19:40 Most of my friends kind of fit into the stereotypical motive, that the guy is mostly responsible for the economics of the household, and the woman is responsible for the kind of emotional and domestic labor. That is the vast majority of my friends, to varying degrees. There are some exceptions, but 80%, 90%, and that's what guys, I don't care what they say, that didn't happen by accident. That's what the guy wanted, that's what the woman wanted,
Starting point is 00:20:05 that's what the guy was attracted to. He was attracted to someone who would be really impressive in the relationship and at home and a good mother and all that. And I don't know if it's because I was raised by a single mother that always worked. We had no choice. My mom was out of the house before I was even up and home late because she had to work. And I have always my ex-wife was an investment banker and then the COO of e-commerce companies worked our ass off. my longest-term relationship out of marriage was with a surgeon, and then my current partner worked at Goldman Sachs. I have always been really drawn, not for economic reasons, but
Starting point is 00:20:46 like professionally impressive women have always flicked my beak. That's just really sexy to me. Yeah, but it's not the economics, like you said. I think it's the same thing for men. I just find it a turn-on. I find impressive, professionally impressive women. I want to have sex with them. I find that impressive. Well, and also what's underneath it, you know, because I have a buddy who, who was, I was talking to a friend of mine and he said, women like to date men with beards. And I said, well, yeah, of course, women like beards. You know, I got the clean shaven thing going, but I, you know, you got the like oops that I didn't know I was sexy stubble. It happens. It's a thing women like. I get it. But the truth is, is that there's something underneath that. My friend said to
Starting point is 00:21:25 me, you know, the thing that's nice about a guy with a beard is it shows he has patience. Because in order to grow a proper beard, you have to have a little bit of patience. And I've always thought that about money and economic success, unless it's inherited wealth. The reality is, is what I think a lot of people find attractive about a person who's successful and competent in the workplace or who's been successful in the game of money is it says something about their tenacity. It says something about their drive, their focus. And how incredibly appealing is it to think about that drive, that focus, that determination, that tenacity being pointed at you and at your desire, your pleasure, your happiness, your goals together as a couple.
Starting point is 00:22:04 When someone's successful economically, in theory, they're saying, hey, I can set a goal and I can trade what I want now for what I want most. Those are the traits we want to partner. So it makes sense to me that these are the things people want. Yeah, that really resonates because I've read research that says women aren't physically or optically attracted to a guy with big pecks and big biceps. What they're attracted to is a guy who clearly has discipline, shows up and can commit to something because those types of attributes will make that person a good
Starting point is 00:22:34 partner. All right, let's take a quick break. We'll be back in a minute. Support for the show comes from Built. Most of us work hard to earn our key, but usually there's no one around to hand you a cookie when you successfully pay your monthly housing bill. No one except Built, that is. Built has expanded from the original renter rewards program and they have a lot more going on for members now. For example, members can earn points on mortgage payments too. Every housing payment gets you points to get you a lot more than baked goods, such as flights with top travel partners, including United and Hyatt, Lyft rides, Amazon.com purchases, and much, much more. Here's another benefit of Build membership.
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Starting point is 00:24:39 list that actually moves things forward. Join the 2.7 million small businesses using LinkedIn to hire. Get started by posting your job for free at LinkedIn.com slash pro. Terms and conditions apply. When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back. in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. Welcome back. Question number three comes from Matthew Ags, AGS. I think I'm saying that correctly.
Starting point is 00:25:30 What are the biggest lessons you've learned managing complicated relationships? Whoa, you go for a shamed. I mean, listen, I, as a divorce lawyer, I see good people at their absolute worst. So I'm used to dealing with people in very high-stress situations. I'm used to coaching people behind the scenes on how to interact. with a person that they're divorcing but still living with while the divorce is going on. So how to sort of deal with the charging bull of a difficult person is something I'm accustomed to. I'm a big fan of being clear. I think we cause a lot of damage to our relationships by trying to like, I don't want to say hedge, but soften something that we know the other person
Starting point is 00:26:10 doesn't want to hear. You know, a breakup's a good example. Like when you decided you're going to end a relationship doing the, I've been thinking that maybe we need to take some time. already we're throwing in maybes. We're throwing in like this idea that instead of saying, I've been giving this a lot of thought and I've come to the conclusion that we're just not where we need to be in this relationship and I think it needs to end. So I think clarity is a huge piece of this. Being clear about what you want, what you need. Look, I think all relationship problems stem fundamentally from two things. We don't know what we want and we don't know how to express what we want, even if we did. I think the most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves,
Starting point is 00:26:51 and we tell ourselves a whole myriad of lies in relationship, because why? We're ashamed of what we want, what we need, what we really feel, as opposed to what we think we should feel and should do. Marriage is a tradition, you know, like our present relationship format is a tradition. And tradition is, in some ways, you know, the wisdom of the past being brought to bear on present circumstances, And it's also pure pressure exerted by dead people, you know. And so I think sometimes in relationship, you know, relationships have no business being unmanualed. Like there's no manual on how they spent a lot of time in school trying to teach me how to divide fractions. I've never used it. But no one really ever taught me, you know, how do you diffuse or deescalate a fight with your partner when you feel like, okay,
Starting point is 00:27:38 I can be right or I can be happy in this situation and what's the best way to deescalate? I think we need to acknowledge that this is potentially a teachable skill, that it's something we can get better and better at if we talk about it instead of doing what humans do, which is just watching the people around us, which is watching our parents and our grandparents who, A, may not have been good at relationship. B, we're growing up in totally different life circumstances, and throw in C, that now we're comparing ourselves to people on social media, where that is just they're playing, they're playing, their greatest hits while we're living our gag reel. And it's just not honest. And we're comparing ourselves to fake people saying, you know, it's like how we, our body image, like, oh, man, I wish I looked like that. They don't look like that. Those are filters. So all we're doing is putting like, you know, filters and spanks on our relationships. And then everyone's comparing themselves to that filtered version and feeling dissatisfied as opposed to us just having this ability to be blunt and
Starting point is 00:28:40 honest with ourselves and our partner and handling conflict that way proactively. Yeah, it's, the terms that came to mind for me are red flags and self-assessment. And the first is, I know guys and women who like complicated. They like, the term right is they like drama. It turns them on. It makes them feel invested in the relationship. It makes them feel like the other person's invested. They manufacture drama and seem to enjoy it.
Starting point is 00:29:10 And so self-assessment around, are you drawn? I have a friend who's a therapist, and he married a very complicated woman. And I'm convinced he's decided he likes to work so much. He's going to bring that Skilda to his house. But, hey, it works for them. She, you know, they have, so, you know, it's sort of like different strokes for different folks. But something you said that struck me was that, and this goes to red flags, If you're like most people, I don't think, you know, when people say this relationship, you know, relationships take a lot of work.
Starting point is 00:29:45 My sense is a relationship that takes a lot of work is the sign of a bad relationship. And I'm not suggesting you don't invest in it. I'm not suggesting that everything's going to be easy always, especially if you throw kids and financial problems and aging parents into it. You need someone competent that's generous with you and a level of commitment there to stay together even when things aren't great. But assess, one, do you like complicated? Because some people do. but for the majority of us who don't, a red flag that you highlighted that really resonated
Starting point is 00:30:13 if someone really think long and hard before you decide to commit to someone who has substance abuse issues. That is just something. And the other red flag that I noticed, probably, you know, the one that kind of got away or you just always felt that's immediate connection and were just crazy about
Starting point is 00:30:31 was a woman who I was in relationship with and she struggled with mental illness. And I remember making the conscience, decision, I had called two friends who were married to people who struggled with mental illness. And I said, there's just so many wonderful things about this woman that in my mind kind of override this. And they were very sort of practical. They like, run. Like, I love my wife. I'm not going to go anywhere. You don't know who you're waking up next to. And you can't. And they said to me, Scott, you think of yourself as a fixer and someone who can handle anything. They're like, you cannot fix this.
Starting point is 00:31:05 And so an honest self-assessment around whether you're drawn to the drama, and if you're not, just being honest, there are about, have situational awareness around the attributes of this person or the, or what you're entering into in terms of how complicated it is, and whether you're really going to enjoy that complexity, or if you're like most of us, you don't, and you, you know, and you want some peace in harmony, because complexity will, find its way into your relationship as you get older with, again, kids. And I think depth, I think depth, you know, like look at, give an honest assessment, like you said, of what it is underneath this trait, right? So what is it about the fighting? Is it that it's passionate? Okay, there's a way to have passion without having it be toxic passion, right? Like, I had a tendency when I was a young man to date women who had problems I could solve because I love solving problems and I feel really of use. It led to me at my career, you know, being a problem solver.
Starting point is 00:32:05 But the truth was, like, at some point in relationship, I got to the point where I was like, man, like the hospital's full. Like, this is not what I need. Like, at the end of the day, I don't need somebody who I have to manage their entire life. But again, I'm attracted to it for a myriad of reasons, many of which my therapist would be happy to talk to you about. But I think if we can have that honest self-assessment and say, look, what is the thing underneath this trait that is so attractive to me?
Starting point is 00:32:31 because there are ways to get a dose of that and not deny your desire, but not let it be like the defining characteristic. If I like to be of service and of use, and that makes me feel masculine and excited and passionate, that's great. But it doesn't mean I have to be with someone who's just emotionally crippled and who has severe substance use issues so I can drag them from the other room and carry them. Like, it could just be someone who doesn't mind letting me open the jar of pickles. And that might scratch the itch for me. So I think, you know, we don't want to treat Dandruff with decapitation. It'll work, but it's just overcorrection, and we're very prone as a species to overcorrection. So I think coming to grips with what's the thing under the thing that causes
Starting point is 00:33:12 that attraction and excitement for you. Don't treat dandra with decapitation. That's the line of the segment. James Sexton, also known as America's divorce lawyer, is a trial lawyer with two decades of experience negotiating and litigating high conflict divorces. In part two out next Monday, James and I will answer your questions about keeping money separate in a marriage, de-escalating conflict, and why fewer young people are getting married. James, thanks, and I will see you next week. Always great, Scott. This episode was produced by Jennifer Sanchez and Laura Janair. Cameric is our social producer.
Starting point is 00:33:46 Brad Williams is our editor. And Drew Burroughs is our technical director. Thank you for listening to the Propgey Pod from Propvety Media. Don't you wish you could just hit Skip on the worst parts of your life? You know the same way you can skip it. an ad? I get it. I'm Siyaya and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned and today I'm still figuring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently that's how I roll. So bundle up and come along
Starting point is 00:34:24 for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem.

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