The Psychology of your 20s - 100. What I've learned from 2 years of podcasting

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

HAPPY 100th EPISODE! In this week's episode, we are celebrating two very special milestones - 100 episodes of The Psychology of your 20s and the 2 year anniversary of the show. I decided to sit down and answer some of your questions around what I've learned from this experience, what advice I would give, how I'm going, my future plans, why heartbreak gave me the best gift I could have asked for and give some lighting round advice to my most asked questions.  I want to say a huge thank you for all the support and love this show has received. It had such humble beginnings. I started it as an audio journal to just talk about my 20s and now its my full time job and my greatest passion. Your support means the world, thank you to all my listeners, new and old for the way you changed my life! Listen now for more sappy reflections. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, listen to learn.

the hard way on the IHard radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO% on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed. I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe.

On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84's big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year,

unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a wild year.

I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, you know the drill. It is so great to have you here back for not only another episode, but a very, very, very special episode. This is my 100th episode of the Psychology of Your 20s, and I'm kind of shook. I cannot believe that I've made a hundred of these episodes. It's just so,

insane to me that like this little tiny podcast that I started in back in when I was at uni really back in like my sharehouse in Canberra is you know my job now is like the thing that I love the most is the thing that I put so much time and attention to and there are so many of you amazing listeners out there who tune in every single week and who send me the most kind heartfelt lovely messages and I'm just so grateful and glad that this content has resonated with so many people. It's such like an incredible milestone to me like a hundred episodes. I did not think that I was going to make 100 episodes, let alone make 50 when I first started. It was just like a fun little hobby for me to like discuss

my favorite topics in psychology and what I was thinking about and what my friends were thinking about and it's really come so far. So I just want to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you, thank you for listening, for supporting this show, for caring what I have to say. That's like, I think, the most bizarre part of it. I really, really appreciate it. And kind of in honor of that milestone, I thought that I'd do something a little bit different. So regularly scheduled content will resume, obviously, on Friday. But there are so many questions that I regularly get from people. So many people follow me on Instagram and send me DMs and want advice and want to know more

about me. And I think that I've kind of like shied away from like talking about my like kind of breaking the fourth wall, right? And like talking about my experience actually making this show and what I've learned. And obviously I use like anecdotal pieces of my life throughout the show. but like I feel like I've never really sat down and been like, here's who I am, this is what I do, this is what my life is like. So I thought that in honor of 100 episodes, we would do that today. And I got all of your questions from Instagram. You guys sent through so many. So I really appreciate

you taking the time to think of some amazing things to ask. And I want to sit down. I want to answer them. I want to give some advice and just kind of talk about what this, like, what this has been like also. It's also the two-year anniversary of the show as well. So I didn't even mention that. It's like 100 episodes and two-year anniversary. So, oh my God, got a two-year-old. I've got a little toddler now, a little toddler of a podcast. So so many amazing celebrations. And I really want to, Yeah, I really want to do something different this way you can sit down and kind of like have a chat. So that's what we're going to do in just a second. Alrighty, everyone.

Let's get into it. So the OG listeners of this show will remember that like when I first started, I was literally recording on my phone. Terrible idea, terrible audio quality in like the back of my car, in my sharehouse, like on my friend's floor. and a lot of like the content that I originally did was with my good friends. So if you go back and you go all the way back to the beginning, you'll see it's just like people that I knew at college, like people that I knew at university who I thought were really interesting and I would like bring them on for a chat. And it's like so bizarre now that like it's evolved into this like entirely new process, but I really think that what I've tried to, like, remain and, like, keep at its core

is, like, that authenticity, right? Like, no one writes my scripts for me. No one edits my episodes for me. I am still, to this day, sitting on the floor. I wish I'm going to post a photo. I'm sitting on the floor recording this with my laptop. And I really want to keep it that way. Like, I think that that is what really brings people in, but also what makes people in. But also what makes it fun for me that it is still this like really beautiful solitary but also like self-motivated and self-run activity one of the questions i got which i really loved is that you know obviously in two years it went from being like a hobby to obviously there's so many people who are listening to this like it's beyond insane to me like i don't even think i can comprehend it and someone asked me like

what is the biggest lesson that you've learned? I think the biggest lesson that I've learned has to do with, like, authenticity and vulnerability. And that is that when you put yourself out there in a way, that is quite vulnerable. That is very, not unique, but I would say revealing, people really respond to that. I really thought that the interesting thing I think is that the topics that I thought, were going to bomb like the topics I thought no one would ever listen to I thought they were too private there was one on loneliness the recent episode I did on how I've been feeling ugly and

this one on like situation chips those three episodes that I thought no one would be would want to listen to they were too private they were too vulnerable have been the ones that people come back to me time and time again and say like that really changed my outlook on life that was really important for me to hear. And I think that that really provided me with this sense of like, people are actually just looking for connection and people want someone to, I guess, be real. And hopefully that is what I continue to do. And I really want to keep doing that because I think there is so much content out there that is curated, that is edited, that is fake, that is produced to a point of it being completely unrelatable. And as much as that is entertaining and as much

as like our brains love a good doom scroll on Instagram and love a little bit of social comparison, we really like kind of lost touch with what it means to just be having a human experience. And we've lost touch with what it means to be someone who is insecure and someone who has gone through it and someone who is in their 20s and just as confused as everyone else. So I do think like the biggest lesson I've learned is that when you put yourself out there, life will reward you and you will surprise yourself. Life will surprise you in a million ways, a million tiny different ways. Another lesson I've learned actually is how willing people are to share their stories with you. That has been such a beautiful surprise, the amount of people that even like come up to me on the street or

people that I get DMs from who I think we're all just really seeking connection. And I think that was something I did know beforehand, but I've really learned that it runs so much deeper than I think a lot of us recognize. Like we all are just looking to connect on some very universal human level. So I would say that is the true, maybe it's the same lesson. Like one of the biggest lessons that I've learned from the show, the other one that I would like, it's kind of a piece of advice, kind of a lesson. is do not record on your phone.

Go on, if you want to be a podcaster, if, like, I think when I started, I really, like, kind of didn't really believe in myself and was just doing it for fun. You should really invest in yourself. If there's something you really want to do, go and actually buy the equipment. Like, I listen back to some of my early episodes, and, like, the episode that obviously gets the most listens is the one on imposter syndrome, which is my first ever episode. And it is, like, please do not listen to it. It is so poorly recorded.

it is terrible. And I've like been tossing up like whether I just re-record it because it's often the first episode people listen to when they find my show or whether I just leave it up just to kind of show the process and the growth that we all go through. Like you're going to learn so many things by just doing. Oh my gosh. Actually maybe that's my biggest life lesson that I've learned from this. Like I think if we wait for everything to be perfect, we miss out on a lot of

the learning opportunities and you can just learn on the way. Like this show has adapted and grown so much and developed, right? Like I started recording on my phone and then I started recording with like a microphone. I got off, I think like Amazon and then I finally like got a proper, like, you know, that's so boring, right. No one wants to hear that. But I think you will learn in anything that you do better by doing than by waiting. All right. So the next question that I got was what advice would you give to someone who wants to start a podcast, I get this question a lot. I would say, just do it, firstly. It doesn't matter if your first episode is terrible. What matters is that you are consistent and that you learn along the way. So I would say practical advice is to really invest in like a good

name, invest in like a good cover art. Like I didn't really think those things through it just kind of happened that, you know, they just worked for me. But if I was going to start it again, I would say really invest in a good piece of cover art, invest in a good name, have a strong theme or idea of what you want to talk about. And I would say make sure that it's unique to you. There's no point looking at what someone else is doing and trying to replicate that because I think that it's just not authentic. And you want actually find that you're motivated to do it. Like, if that's someone else's path, right? That's someone else's dream. And yes, we can have the same dreams, but you have to do your dreams in a different way. So I would say, if you are really

interested in, like, starting a podcast, really, like, sit down and think, like, what do I love to talk about? Not just what do I think I love to talk about? But, like, what would I sit down and talk about with my friends? That's why there's so many, like, amazing chatty guest series out there, because that's what people want to talk about and hear. They want to hear those intimate conversations, they want to be educated. And I think that also flips around to the people making the shows, like, what would you actually want to listen to? You should make content like that. Also, invest in a good microphone. Learned that the hard way. And don't be too preoccupy with social media. I don't know if many people listening to this know. I have a TikTok. It is embarrassing.

I think it has like 200 followers because I like never advertise it. And I get like, 30 views because it just doesn't matter to me, right? Like, I know that I'm not like someone who excels at social media. I know that that's not what I do best. I just want to share knowledge and talk and really think deeply about things and share that on. So just know what you do best. Know what you're. And also, sorry, this is so rambly, but have a good sense of what you want out of this.

because if you're like, I want to be like a successful podcaster, I don't think that happens overnight and there's going to be a lot of like work that goes into it that I think a lot of people don't see. Like it is, it's a really fun hobby. It's a amazing thing to do. I would never discourage anyone from from doing it. But it is a lot of work. So like think about whether you're after an immediate reward or a long-term reward and whether it is particularly fulfilling. This next question, I love this again, is what is the favorite topic, my favorite topic that I've covered? I have so many, but I did, the recent episode I did on why I feel ugly was actually one that I really enjoyed doing. I think it was a lot more personal and a lot more

intimate. I did this episode on the psychology of the 9 to 5. I think it was like episode four with my best friend Erin. She actually inspires so much of the content that I speak on here. So much because she is, she needs to come on again. She is probably the most fascinating person you'll ever meet. She has the most amazing, well thought out opinions and just talking to her about our lives and our 20s and what we're both going through really inspires a lot of the content. So like the one that I, the other one that I can think of is the myth of the dream job that came from like a discussion with her. The psychology of Lucky Girl Syndrome that came from a discussion with her.

That's actually so interesting. I would say my favorite episodes are ones that have come out of chatting and really connecting. I think also this is quite a solitary activity. And when you get to sit down and really talk with someone and talk. through your ideas and explain the psychology with someone else. It feels a lot more grounded and a lot more well-rounded. So I would say those are my favorites. And then also, oh, how could I forget the episode with Chidera Egaru that I did at the start of the year? I can't remember what the title was. I think it's like parental wounds and dating men, something like that. But that episode, I love that

episode. I actually regularly still listen to that episode, like once every month or couple of months. All right. Next question. Do you listen to your own advice? Yeah, and no. Yes and no. I think I cover a lot of topics that I personally need advice on and want to be able to do the research because there's something that I'm personally going through. so the recent episode on self-sabotage, that was something that I was really kind of thinking about in my own personal life and wanted to explore that. I think I do take my own advice because it is obviously everything that I produce is grounded in what I think and like and the evidence that I obviously acknowledge and know. The other day actually it was interesting. I was really struggling

with like confidence and I went back and I listened to my episode on self-confidence. confidence because I was like, who better to give me advice than me in some ways? Like, I'm going to trust my opinion, perhaps a lot better. Sometimes I do like to obviously listen to other people. There's this podcast called Date Yourself Instead. Love listening to that for like some solid advice. Sometimes you just need someone else to tell you what your deal is and to be honest with you in a way that you're perhaps not honest with yourself. But yeah, I would say yes and no. There are definitely things that I think we all still need to work on. I find it really fascinating when people are like, oh, like, you seem to have your life together. And I'm like, I absolutely do not have my life together. I'm trying. I'm aiming

for it. But I just am really fascinated by how we can apply like the psychology to not only improve our lives, but I think also on a deeper level understand our lives a bit more. I think, self-improvement is this really interesting domain and, like, area where we think that everything needs to be directed towards being better and, you know, being good and excelling. Sometimes it's actually about sitting down and being like, I'm going to, I'm going to take time to think, and I'm going to really self-reflect and really do some of that hard work before I try so hard to shift everything around me and make my life perfect. I do think that an equal part of self-improvement is contemplation and reflection as it is action.

The next question, which I thought was really, really funny, but this passage just said, I want deeds on your love life. Okay. So it was actually really interesting because I met up with an old friend recently who knew me when I was in like a past relationship that I've spoken about on this show and he was like, oh, I listened to some of those episodes that were about that person. And I didn't know all these things like happened. And that kind of left me a little bit shook.

It really did leave me questioning how much I should be sharing online about my dating life. Obviously, I have been quite open about past relationships. You know, I had my ex on the podcast. But it really does leave me thinking, like, I do think people can learn from my experiences because of their universal nature in that a lot of the things I think we all experience in our 20s. I'm also experiencing because I'm in my 20s and they're not regularly spoken about by people of this age to people of this age if that makes sense. But right now, I don't know what to say about my dating life right now. I would say I've worked through a lot of the stuff I just needed

to work through, not only to do with like past partners, but also just in terms of my own insecurities. And I'm really happy. And I'm at a place of like such peace where nothing really bothers me. And I'm, yeah, I'm just really happy and kind of dating around, but not very seriously. I think if you listen to my episode on dating with intention, you'll know, I'm not here for, I'm not here for a casual runaround. I'm not, I'm not down to clown, as they say. I'm kind of just like, I value my time so much right now that I'm not really willing to let someone in unless they are the right person. And whether I found that right person yet or not, I do not know. So I guess that's what I'll say. And also, thank you to my ex-partners, because I'm very grateful to them. They really

have, like, inspired a lot of the content on this show. It's interesting. This show, like, really started because of a breakup and then was really promoted, I guess. I really was inspired and motivated by another situation. And it's really refreshing to say now that I'm so glad I went through those experiences. And I'm so grateful to those people in a way that I don't think they'll ever know for not hurting me, but for just teaching me so much about myself and motivating me and inspiring me and really getting me to some points where I had to really sit down and think about my life. So if they're listening out there, big shout out to you guys. Big thank you. Alrighty. So next question, which was a little bit different, but it was just like, we want life updates. Where are you living right now? What are you doing? All right. So I get this question a lot. Someone asked me if I lived in Berlin the other day. I do not live in Berlin. Unfortunately, it does look amazing. I live in Sydney, Australia. I've lived here for two years, almost two years. And I actually live in a sharehouse. I live in a sharehouse with three amazing.

guys, big shout out to Tom Jack and Locky. They are amazing housemates and like genuinely such good people to live with. I think they have very much been like my rock. I would really advise that if you're in your 20s, you should live in a sharehouse. It really does teach you a lot. It is this like level of familiarity and like kind of family like kind of friends, kind of something else, relationship that we don't get to experience when we live at home with our parents or with our siblings or with the partner. So I, yeah, I still live in a sharehouse. I live in the attic of my sharehouse. There we go. So it's like really beautiful. I'm literally sitting here right now looking out my beautiful window. And I really wouldn't change it. I think that it's this way

of living like it's interesting like I could definitely afford to live by myself or I could move out. But I enjoy this kind of communal name. in this communal way of living and I also like being able to sit down with someone at the end of the night and be like, okay, so what did you, what did you, what happened today? And, you know, what have you been thinking about? And like, do we want to go to the gym and just like have a bit of a chat? And it's actually just super rewarding and super valuable to me. I used to live in Canberra, grew up in like Melbourne slash Queensland, which if you're not from Australia, I feel like everyone knows were Melbourne and Queenslander. I don't know why I have to explain that. Like massive tourist hubs.

And I recently also quit my nine to five job. So I used to work in like management consulting, I guess you would call it, particularly around mental health policy. So like advising government agencies and interest groups on how to better manage mental health in our society and what we needed to do and what systems we needed to change. But I recently quit to do the podcast full time, which is honestly such a blessing. I feel like this is such a gratitude episode where I'm like, thank you, thank you, thank you. But genuinely, without the listen, like without, oh my gosh, like without you guys tuning in, that wouldn't be my life.

And it was kind of rough trying to do, manage doing this podcast, which I love so deeply. and I would continue to do even if I couldn't do it full time. But managing that and like a 9 to 5 job and if you've ever worked in management consulting, my gosh, you will know it's never 9 to 5. It's like 8 to 7, sometimes longer. And then coming home and trying to write like a really deep and thoughtful episode and really apply it to my life. And I'm kind of glad that chapter is over.

But that is where I'm at right now. Someone asked what are my plans for the future? Oh my goodness. So many things. So many things. Oh, I, I feel like I can say it on here. So like, oh my gosh, maybe, hopefully my team doesn't like get mad at me. Shelby, if you're listening to this.

I'm so sorry. But, yeah, we're like in the process of like launching a Patreon, which is like something I've always really wanted to do. There are things that you guys ask me for a lot. One of them is like episode transcripts, Q&A slash like advice episodes. like a newsletter, book recommendations, like more of a community space. And that was something that I was really, like I had some goals for this year and that was on there to create a space for that to happen.

So that's launching soon, you know, alongside that. Other things that you could maybe pick up and read. Obviously, we had the merch launching at the side of the year, but also there's a new line of merch coming out soon as well. and just actually like my plans for the future is to also go back to uni and get like a further qualification. This just seems like a great time and to do it in something different like either in journalism or even cognitive neuroscience. That's like an area of psychology that I find and even science that I find like super fascinating. So going and doing even further study, although I feel like I am still burnt out from like all my years at university.

and I'm also traveling a bunch. So I just got back from London. I was in Indonesia for a little while and then coming to L.A. soon and then to New York. So if any of you want to meet up, come and get a coffee with me. I love meeting people. We can just like have a yarn, have a chat about whatever's going on in our lives. So yeah, those are my plans. It feels like so big.

Like, yeah, so big. But I'm just like so excited for this next chapter. I feel like if this is as good as it gets, I'm so happy where I am right now. So I'm just looking forward to what's coming and like just making good content, bringing on really good guess. That kind of leads into this next question is, what topics have you not covered that you really want to? I don't know if you guys know this,

but I have a massive, like, master list of over 100 topics that I really want to do. And every time someone messages me an idea, I also have another list for that that I will sometimes pick from. But let me see what I have right now. I've got my phone up. Oh my goodness. So I'm there's so good. This one that is actually coming up. So the impact of trauma on our bodies, how to be completely unique. That's actually coming out next week. Oh, is pretty privilege real. The psychology of internalized misogyny. I really want to do that. I feel like that would be so fascinating, the psychology of attractiveness, body dysmorphia, the science behind the ick. I also want to do, I think, a bit more on certain mental health conditions.

I think that I shy away from them sometimes because I do want to bring on someone who specialises. Like, for example, I get a lot of interest in discussions around ADHD and obviously I, you know, know what ADHD is and I studied ADHD and it was part of like what I learned about but I really want like a psychiatrist or someone who specializes in that area to come on the same with trauma as well. I think trauma is something that we can all understand on an anecdotal level and perhaps if you studied psychology on a biological level or a psychological level but in some ways you want to get deeper into some of the research. So I actually have a guest coming on for that. Oh my goodness. One actually that I really am excited to do, which is so different, is the

healing power of nature. I don't know. I've been going through this phase recently where I've been reading so many amazing books that really promote nature as a form of therapy in some ways. And I think it is still quite a rudimentary scientific theory, but there are ideas of like, what's it called forest bathing in Japan? And this amazing book called, rewilding that I think is fantastic. And I really want to bring that discussion to the show. And I don't think it's controversial to say that nature has such a profound impact on our bodies and our minds and our anxiety and our stress levels.

So that's one that I'm really excited about. And then this one as well, which I'm like, I think I might do with the Patreon thing, which is like a live episode, like a call in. I don't know if anyone would want to do that, but I think that would be really fun. I just like to think of like new ways that you can kind of connect with the content, right? And new ways that we're able to really make these ideas and theories in psychology more accessible. So, yeah, those are the topics I really want to do. I would also, like I said, love to bring my best friend Aaron back on.

She's a champion. You should go and listen to that episode, that 9 to 5 episode. Like, I wish all of you had a best friend as amazing. her. She's like such a legend. So I think that is, yeah, those are my, the ones I really want to do. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical

and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam Jett. And I'm Alex English.

Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. clearly, 84 is big to me not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so you all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line.

We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you for finishing that sentence. Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast.

or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hardway with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Keer Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tript Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing.

And we're still chasing it. and we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth, or are you a good person because you're afraid?

Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, learn the hard way.

Open your free. iHeartRadio app search learn the hard way and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in someone's, correct? I doctored the test once. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case.

I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars. were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Gregalespian and Michael Maranini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young.

This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over. until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Okay, so those are like some of the personal questions around like me in my life and the podcast. But as always, we've got to do a bit of the psychology. So I thought what we could do to kind of like end this like 100th special edition episode was like, a bonus lining round of advice questions. I get, like I said before, so many people asking me for advice on their life and I don't tend to answer them because I find sometimes that could be a bit odd like I'm, you know, I don't know, I feel a bit strange like I don't want to give you the wrong advice because I don't really know you. So if you have ever sent me a DM and I haven't responded, that's probably why I do still think it's valuable to share and I do

read a lot of them, but I think there is this weird thing with social media sometimes, and even at this level, where you have to kind of respect the fact that you probably, you don't want to insert yourself or promise someone's support if you don't know them, because it can become a bit of a strange relationship, especially if like you're not their therapist. But this is like some general questions that I get a lot that I was like, let's just do it. I maybe I'll make a full episode about them, but let's do like some lightning round advice. So the first one is advice on regretting life choices, question mark. Okay, I think that regret is inevitable in some sense. Like, there are always going to be things that we question and things that we are unsure whether we

made the right decision. And I think that's because our brains in a lot of ways want to be able to understand and make sense from the nonsense or make sense of, the story that we're telling ourselves. And if the story we're telling ourselves doesn't line up with our goals, we may experience some cognitive dissonance, and that results in regret. I also think that regret is, in part, evolutionary as well. We want to learn from past mistakes, but obviously what we deem as a mistake is highly subjective, and it's really based on your perception. So that's something that I think we need to realize. What you think is, what you think of as regret is not always something that you should regret because I think everything brings you

to the place that you need to be. That is not a highly psychological theory. That's just a personal opinion. I, and also an anecdotal one, I look back on my life and I think all those things that, you know, I regretted, I regretted saying yes to that job. I regretted saying no to that opportunity. I regret dating that person. I regret not moving out faster. I regret all these different things. everything, the timing of everything is so, so particular. And if certain things had not happened at certain points, there are things that you would have missed out on that I think you would equally regret having missed out on, if that makes sense. Also, there is a study that I quote, and I talk about a lot. It's my favorite ever research paper ever, ever published. And it basically

examined the chances that we will regret a decision in the future. And the research is basically concluded that you are way more likely to regret something that you didn't do than something that you did. So I think that if you're having that regret around actions that you did take, it's very likely that if you hadn't done them, there was this whole other level of, there's a whole of kind of deep sea of regret that you would have fallen into anyhow. I think it's also around dealing with the negative emotions associated with it. Practice self-forgiveness. Practice self-compassion. recognize that everyone in life has something that they regret. Everyone has said something that they didn't mean.

Everyone has acted in a way that they didn't like everyone. Every single person on this planet, nobody is perfect. So I think when we recognize experiences as universal, it takes away a lot of the shame and a lot of that negative emotion. So there you go. Lightning round of advice. The next question is, why do I get attached so quickly? Okay. I'm going to have four answers. First one, attachment style, easy-peasy. If you are someone who is anxiously attached, that is a massive, I would say, determinate. Fantasy bonding. You fall in love with the idea of someone and the what-if rather than their actual character traits and whether or not they are good for you. I would also say unrealistic expectations. And part of that is unresolved emotional trauma. For example,

If you have felt that you have to fall really hard really quickly because otherwise they will walk away, that might be a massive predictor. If you have felt in the past as if you were not desirable and you were not loved or you weren't lovable, when someone does begin to show you that affection, sometimes it can be really overwhelming and your brain almost reacts like it's having an overdose of oxytocin and dopamine and all these feelings. I am someone who really follows the philosophy of go out and live boldly and obviously it's not great to get attached too quickly and get your heart broken, but I think it's a lot better than never feeling anything, to be honest. I was having this discussion with a friend the other day and I was like, I would much rather fall head over heels than be guarded. But I do know that it's not exactly ideal.

So I would say really set up clear boundaries with your. yourself around knowing if this person is right for you. I think the biggest problem in the major consideration is when your judgment is clouded by these feelings such that you ignore things that will inevitably create havoc or not be good for your relationship. So really maybe create a checklist or some guidelines that you created before you went out and started dating again or before you met this person around what you're actually looking for, what your expectations are and whether they are meeting them. All right, next question is, should I try dating apps? Yes and no. I would say you should give it a go. Just be aware that like,

I would say from personal experience, this is also just personal experience. It's very hard to know what someone's actually looking for. And I think also dating in the age of digital technology means that we make a lot of snap instantaneous decisions based on pitches and very instant stimuli that might actually mean you're discrediting or rejecting someone not based on personality. It doesn't mean you need to date everyone you see on a dating app, but I think go into it with an open mind. On the other hand, I would say have a break every now and again. Sometimes you can just get like overwhelmed by the choice overload on a dating app and

can kind of get a little bit addicted to like the fast-paced, very immediate nature of like always being able to find someone to like go on a date with or hook up with or even like get into a relationship with. So approach it with caution. That would be my advice. How to stop associating your self-worth with how much we produce slash how we perform at work. I'm also going to include like school there. I think this question around what is my worth if I'm not productive. is a massive problem for this generation. We have been really socially ingrained and scolded and taught and conditioned that everything we're doing, everything we should be doing is towards an outcome and an output.

If you are not productive, you are not worthwhile. I would say find joy and find time to do things slowly. For example, when you're cooking dinner, give yourself an extra, 10 minutes to just enjoy the process. Once a week, plan out an activity that is not time-based, that is not productive, that you just want to do. Honestly, I asked myself this question the other day, how many times during the week do I actually do something that isn't based on output or like meeting some goal? And I would even say like going out for dinner like with your friends, like that is still like productivity because you want to see your friends, you tick it off a list, whatever. Like,

I really think you need to rest your identity more on what your values are and what your beliefs are and what you enjoy doing, your passions and your hobbies, regardless of whether you're good at them. Like, I love people who are bad at their hobbies. I'm bad at my hobbies. They shouldn't, you know, they shouldn't be for, they shouldn't be like an efficiency meter. Like, they should just be for fun. So I would say really have a solid think about what your values are, but then also spend time doing something that you want to do just because you want to do it, even if you're bad at it. Because I think that really untrains our brain to only see our worth as what we produce. Okay, next question. So many good ones. I'm obsessed with these. I should do this more often.

Oh, this one's quite sad, but I do want to talk about this. So I'm feeling. really upset about how my body looks. Tips for building self-confidence. Okay, first of all, social media is your enemy here. I need you to go on social media, either delete the app, and I mean Instagram, TikTok, primarily those two, or deliberately unfollow everyone that is making you feel that way. I think it's very easy to jump online and have a million different examples of how our body should look like, of how our face should look like, of whether we should get

filler of whether we should wear different clothes or whether we should lose weight. And I think removing that as a trigger is perhaps the biggest way that you can improve your self-confidence. But I think whilst you remove that trigger, you also need to do the deep work. I would say therapy is amazing for this, but also buy, there's like just very simple things. Like buy clothes that you feel comfortable in, wear clothes that you feel comfortable in, do things that you feel comfortable doing. Surround yourself with people who do not have confidence. conversations around body image. I mean the people who you sit down with and they're like, oh my God, I feel so fat. Or like, oh my God, like my thighs look enormous and they're like, oh, I can't

eat that. Like I'm going to put on so much weight. You don't need those people in your life. And if you do want to see them, don't see them in a context of like exercise or food. Or I would say like do something that's a neutral activity. I would also say this is a really weird one but find ways to move your body that isn't about exercise it's just about being connected to your body so for me that's like having this thing that i call a crazy dance where i just like put music on in my room and just like let my body do what it wants to do it always makes me feel more confident it leaves me feeling better but like yoga is a really good one or just like anything that gets you moving swimming in the ocean, just letting the waves like take your body where it wants to go.

I think it's about reconnecting with your body and recognizing that your body is, it's just a vessel for a lot more beautiful, beautiful things about you. It's just a vessel for your love, for your kindness, for your amazing traits and personality. I know it's so stereotypical, but personality really is the most worthwhile thing. Okay, I'm going to do one more question because I'm realizing that we're, have gone for a while. Okay, what advice would you give to a heartbroken girl?

How do you get over someone? I think channel, my biggest piece of advice, and this is something I do after every breakup, end of a situation, whatever, is channel that negative energy, that grief, that sadness into something creative and productive that is solely tied to your actions. So, for example, I started this podcast, but also I, like, took up painting after a breakup. Like, I took up, like, this really amazing journaling practice after something ended recently. Those kinds of activities, or another one is like one of my friends took up, like, cycling or rock climbing. Find ways to reconnect with a part of you that they don't know, that they've never touched, that they will never get to experience.

I think a big part about at the end of a relationship, is questions around self-worth and questions around, am I good enough? Will I find someone better? And who am I without this person? I promise that time heals all wounds. And it's just one foot in front of the other. Every day it will get easier. Spend as much time as you can doing the things you love that make you feel like yourself.

And then one day it's so annoying to say this, but you just wake up. up and you're just free. Like you just feel better and you're just, you're not worried about them anymore. You couldn't care less if they're dating someone, what they're doing. You're just like, happy to be you and happy to be alive. And I think also, it's about, like, you, if you want to find someone else, you will find someone else. But the most valuable relationship you'll ever have is with yourself. So, especially as, you know, this is a podcast for people in their 20s, I'm assuming, most of us are in our 20s, you have so much time to like establish the best kind of connection with yourself. You have so much time to really build that foundation. And I think a lot of people

don't take the time to do that because they use new relationships to heal their last ones. I was someone who did that. And then like this last like I think, oh yeah, like this last like four months, I, like, really took time to just be like, okay, you know, something ended at the end of last year. Let's really just, like, spend some time healing from that and pushing forward and just reconnecting with yourself. Also, get out into nature. I saw this, like, TikTok that was like, the situation ship was so bad that we had to reconnect with nature. And I was like, oh, my goodness, that has been me. But honestly, go and find, like, your closest swimming hole or your closest beach or your closest pool of any sort, a body of water heals everything. That would be my advice.

And I will say heartbreak, there is reverence in heartbreak. There is beauty. There is a sacredness to heartbreak. It really reveals the deepest parts of your emotions and the deepest parts of your insecurities. And it's very rare that we get a peer that deeply into what's going on in our soul and what's going on into our mind. So take it as an opportunity. I would. wouldn't be where I am without the three, you know, biggest heartbreaks of my 20s. And I'm so grateful for them, like I said earlier. So I would say take what you can from it and leave the rest behind and just know that time will heal or wounds.

I think that's all we have time for. I just want to say again, thank you firstly for all your questions. But secondly, for all of your support. I am beyond grateful in a way I can never express that people want to listen to this show. I cannot believe that I've made 100 episodes and I wouldn't have done that without some of the amazing feedback and support from, not even the people just from day one, but the people who started listening six months ago, three months ago, even if this is like your first episode, thank you. Thank you for deciding to listen this far. As always, if you do feel called to do so,

please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcast, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now. And follow me at that psychology podcast. on Instagram. You can watch some of my video content over there, but also you can send in some episodes suggestions, be part of the community, know what's going on. Happy 100th. I cannot believe it. And just thank you for tuning in. My gosh, I'm just like fawning over everyone who's listening right now. But yeah, I'm really grateful. So thanks for joining us for this episode. We will be back on Friday for our regularly scheduled content. Hey, what's good, y'all?

You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host, Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to.

Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter.

I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person.

Listen to 2%. That's TWO%. On the IHeart Radio app Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed. I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this.

He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the IHart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. On the Look Back at it podcast For 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me.

I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it with our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s.

84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to Look Back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you. You get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast. Guaranteed human.