The Psychology of your 20s - 110. The psychology of hyperindependence

Episode Date: July 25, 2023

Independence is highly regarded as an admirable personality trait - we are obsessed with people who are self made, who solo travel, pay their own bills and don't seem to need anyone. However, our sense of independence can become problematic when we approach the point of hyper-independency. Hyper-independence refers to an excessive sense of self sufficiency and self reliance, in which we deny the help of others, prefer doing things on our own and avoid emotional vulnerability. Researchers have since suggested that this kind of behaviour may actually be a trauma response, whereby we push others away to protect ourselves from being hurt due to past experiences. In today's episode we break down the psychology of hyper-independence, specifically its origins in childhood emotional neglect and being forced to grow up too soon. We examine the major indicators of hyper-independence, the links to codependency, as well as the consequences this can have for our love lives and careers, whilst also exploring how we can heal. Listen now.  Patreon: https://patreon.com/ThePsychologyofyour20s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/?hl=en See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO% on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed. I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends.

Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 is big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it.

With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.

Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is great to have you here back for another episode. Today, we're covering a really valuable idea in psychology and one that has become increasingly, I would say more recognized. Maybe you've seen it on your TikTok, on Instagram, in the news. It's this idea of hyper-independence. I am so fascinated by this concept because I think independence is possibly one of the most celebrated traits in our society, particularly in Western cultures. We love the idea of people who are self-made,

who pay their own bills, who solo travel, who appear like they don't need anyone but themselves. And I think a healthy level of independence and self-confidence is amazing. It's something that we should all strive for. But when it goes too far, we enter the territory of high. hyper independence. This is this extreme discomfort around allowing others to help us,

to step into our lives and maybe make it easier. We become so invested in our self-reliance and our self-sufficiency that we push others away and we self-isolate. A lot of the research nowadays says that hyper-independence is actually a trauma response. or a survival trait that a lot of us have adopted due to early childhood experiences, feeling like we needed to grow up way too quickly or being consistently let down by others, particularly our caregivers, but also romantic partners or friends. These experiences are so distressing that we turn to extreme independence to avoid having, to rely on others or trust them out of that fear of being hurt or let down. And a lot of the time,

I think society somewhat encourages this behavior without realizing what it actually means. This has so many complex interactions with how we pursue relationships, how we approach our work. It may come as no surprise that people who are hyper-independent are more likely to be seen as overachievers, but also how we experience love and trust. It's also really interesting because hyper-independent people are actually more likely to seek out codependent partnerships, which if you listened to our episode on this, you'll know is equally as complex and maladaptive. It really goes to show how much our attachment influences the people that we choose to be with, not just romantically, but the friends we choose to have our relationships with family.

So today, I want to talk about the role of hyper-independence as a trauma response and explore some of the origins of this behaviour from emotional neglect to parentification, abandonment and early relationship experiences, of course, but also the role of individualism and cultural expectations. we're also going to dive into how we can achieve a healthy level of independence through exposure therapy and inner child healing, an all-time favorite of mine as we know. This is a jam-packed episode, but I will admit some of the research and studies have definitely called me out and really made me pause and examine perhaps some of my own hyper-independent tendencies.

I think you'll be surprised by how many of us actually fit this profile. So without further ado, we are going to explore the psychology of hyper-independence in our 20s and how we can recognize this behavior and heal. So let's get into it. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world.

I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO percent on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're

thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam Jett. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack all day, but just so y'all know.

I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you for finishing that sentence. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history.

Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and comments. conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking. Trip Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase

that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth?

Are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions. bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Keer Gaines, is we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, learn the hard way. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the hard way and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her. Her story.

This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in so-ins, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing.

Greg Alespian and Michael Naranini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love, Trapp. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud

charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We typically see independence as a great thing, a really, admirable asset or personality trait, especially in our 20s when I think independence is something we're all striving for, to be separate from our parents, to be creating our own identity, building our own unique path. A lot of the positive associations we see attached to this are really valid.

To be independent is to be self-sufficient, have a healthy sense of your identity, you pay your own bills, you take care of yourself, you don't rely on others for emotional reassurance. That's something that I think we can all get behind. However, too much of a good thing can sometimes be bad for us. And with anything that is excessive or unbalanced, when independence goes too far, perhaps due to a trauma response or early learning experiences, we have this hyperindependence or what we also call counter dependency. When we are hyper-independent, we have a drive to need no one and a fear of depending on people at the heart of which is this inability to trust or a genuine

fear of intimacy. Hyper-independence, it's more than just self-reliance. It's this unwavering insistence on autonomy. These kinds of people they are unwilling to or maybe unable. to depend on others. We want to do everything alone. We have been implicitly taught that we cannot trust others,

so we push those close, vulnerable relationships away. We refuse help or assistance, both emotional and physical. Importantly, I think there's a crucial caveat here. Hyperindependence, it's not a diagnosable mental

health condition. It's a stress response. More often than not, triggered by exposure to ongoing or acute distress or some kind of emotionally charged situation. So how does that kind of show up in our behaviors in our everyday lives? There are five key signs or indicators of hyper-independence that I want to discuss. Firstly, it feels really uncomfortable or unnatural for you to ask for help, specifically due to this fear of being a burden.

Hyper independence creates this sense that anything we need, we should be able to do for ourselves. If you're feeling sad and upset, we can take care of that. We can self-soothe, we can manage it. If we need help moving or building furniture, we can't ask for help because it may burden someone else. And what does that say about our own abilities and our ability to take care of ourselves? You know if we're struggling financially, even if we need extra assistance, we're not going to ask for that. We're going to get another job or budget excessively.

Not only does asking for help feel entirely unnatural, it's actually really uncomfortable because it contradicts this identity that we've built on being entirely self-reliant. Emotionally, we may have difficulty with vulnerability and trust and therefore have limited. emotionally close relationships. Vulnerability requires asking for help. Trust means believing that someone has your best interests at heart and will fulfill your needs, none of which aligns with our self-image as an independent person. There's this voice in the back of our head saying, I really don't need anyone. I can do this alone.

And that voice comes from a fear of being hurt. And so we use hyper independence to protect us from intimacy and vulnerability. And that's going to require us to open up to someone else. I think it's no surprise that especially in romantic relationships, this can come from previous experiences with betrayal, maybe due to cheating or lying, even heartbreak. So after those experiences, because they are so unpleasant, our brains go the complete opposite direction. If love and intimacy, if relying on someone else brings pain,

well then relying only on myself brings liberation. It brings peace. We know, though, that that's not always true. This links to the next indicator, which is that you naturally close yourself off to others and you're suspicious when people try and get close. That suspicion or hostility may actually be because you don't actually trust yourself. What if someone does provide you with something you can't give yourself?

What if they do fulfill some unmet need? And then they leave. And you can no longer fulfill that need yourself. The whole system kind of falls apart, the whole self-concept. You can no longer solely trust yourself. and so you make it impossible for anyone to ever get close enough to challenge that belief system. That emotional withdrawal is a massive indicator of hyper-independence. The fourth indicator is that you're an overachiever or a workaholic.

Your performance and success works to further support the belief that your hyper-independence is a good thing because it correlates with productivity and output. it could also be that you struggle to delegate because you don't trust others, or maybe you focus on your career or academics because you're scared to let yourself have a life outside of those things. You keep yourself preoccupied because you want to have that excuse to cancel plans and a pretty socially admirable excuse as well to not spend time with loved ones or to be by yourself for long periods of time. And academics and our careers, they're a really great excuse because it's very socially acceptable. But what it's concealing is that you're actually avoiding situations that require dependence or asking for help and letting people in.

And finally, if it's not already obvious, you prefer to do things alone and on your own schedule. And you find that other people slow you down. You don't want to wait for others. You're on the girl's trip. no one else wants to come with you to the museum or whatever. Not only does that not bother you, but you prefer it. It's like a sigh of relief. And I think sometimes this comes off as arrogance or even introversion, which it isn't.

It's a trauma response to push others away and be self-contained because you have learnt that you can only rely on yourself and you don't want to be disappointed by those close to you. But when you isolate yourself, you're also repressing your emotions. and neglecting your needs. You may believe that your hyper independence is keeping you safe, but those close to you, those who care about you deeply, they want to be able to reach out. We understand that community is valuable,

and when you create that distance, it really puts you in a place of solitude. We're going to discuss that in just a second, but if you relate to these signs, it may be indicative of hyperindependence. It's important to remember that it is a spectrum though. Independence is good. But when it comes at the expense of healthy, meaningful relationships, of trust, of asking for help,

that is when it's in the territory of hyperindependence or counter-dependency. This is in contrast to codependency, in which we see people have this unhealthy need for approval and love and comfort of someone else to feel secure. while someone who is hyper-independent focuses on securing their own needs, sometimes at their detriment, and becoming entirely self-sufficient, someone who is codependent will consistently place the needs of others above their own in order to satisfy that deep desire to be attached to another person. We did a whole episode on this, you know, this kind of dynamic a little while back. But interestingly, something I didn't mention is that the independent behavior of hyper-independent people

can actually be highly attractive to people who are codependent, because it provides a sense of security and structure and self-sufficiency that they lack and are therefore craving. However, once in a relationship, if one was to form between a hyper-independent person and a codependent person, sometimes we see this actual, this role reversal. No one quite knows why. There are a couple of theories out there that what these people are really looking for is the comfort of an opposite. Someone who can allow them to relinquish the control that either their codependence or hyperindependence has given them. The partner offers everything they cannot offer themselves, represents what they cannot offer themselves. And in order to kind of ignite a romance, they attempt to emulate that other person's behavior

leading to this kind of dynamic shift. Regardless, I think both hyperindependence and codependence are what we would call maladaptive. We're specifically focusing on hyper independence in this episode. And the reason psychologists and therapists see this behavioral pattern as particularly unhealthy is that we all still have some basic need for, for social connection and trust and vulnerability. That need does not disappear, regardless of how much we try and actively suppress this instinct. And so there's this element of our emotional and mental well-being

that is not fulfilled, a need that we're kind of subconsciously denying ourselves because we value independence and we value being able to detach from others and kind of borrow into our own thoughts and our own feelings. I think it's interesting because people who are hyper-independent are often very attached to this aspect of their identity. What's also true, though, is that these people still experience really profound loneliness. They experience poor self-esteem,

and their relationships often lack that emotional intimacy. I think hyper-independency really shares. a lot of commonalities with emotional unavailability in this way, but not because these individuals don't want to be close to others, but because they cannot give up that self-sufficiency. Studies have shown that this kind of behavior likely stems from a few core experiences, particularly childhood trauma that has taught us to trust ourselves and only ourselves to get through life. often that mistrust comes from a place of deep hurt that has taught us this fallacy that no one can be trusted

with our happiness or welfare. There are three distinct types of trauma that it may be in response to and that I want to focus on. The first is emotional neglect, parentification and abandonment. As children, we have a lot of emotional needs, physical needs, social needs, social needs, needs that need to be fulfilled in order for our brains to develop and our social skills as well. When our caregivers, normally our parents, don't sufficiently respond to those needs by shutting down our emotions, by a failure to provide encouragement or emotional unavailability, being totally absent, being overly busy, or just not showing up for us when they said that they would, children learn that people are unreliable. Studies have shown that when we experience this

kind of neglect, there are reduced levels of oxytocin in the brain. This is incredibly valuable for organising our neural circuits, especially in response to recognizing and being able to respond to emotions and social bonding. So as a result, children who are raised in an environment where their caregivers do not provide them with the right amount of emotional stimulation for oxytocin release, they are more at risk of emotional detachment and emotional impairment, perhaps contributing to this hyper-independency. From a social learning perspective, this child also learns that their emotional needs will not be met unless they meet them themselves, and that others will inherently disappoint them, leading once again to hyperindependence.

Similar to this is what we call parentification. So this occurs when the role of the parent and the child is almost reversed such that a child takes on the role of parent. They provide their parents with an unnatural level of emotional support. Maybe they have to worry about money. They're responsible for taking care of their siblings, keeping the house clean, worrying how they'll get to school, or the child is forced to take on this role of mediator or a confidant for a parent. This is most often seen with the firstborn and in certain cultures, normally the firstborn daughter because they are the ones who are more conditioned to be the emotional anchor for the family. sometimes parents don't realize that they have made their child their parent and they're not realizing

the burden that this places on their children more often than not it's generational and actually we see this a lot with people whose parents have gone through a divorce especially if the divorce was hostile the children end up becoming the messengers for either party and they're kind of exposed to a developmentally inappropriate level of emotional responsibility and they feel like they have to give up their needs, particularly their need for emotional security and stability for the sake of their parents' well-being. That is so hard on our young brains and we unconsciously adopt this parental level of responsibility. We grow up way too quickly and as a response to that, in response to that environment, we become hyper-independent as a coping mechanism, as a trauma response to our

circumstances, to protect our young brains, to respond to our environment appropriately, to kind of keep the peace. You become the parent, you become the adult way too young. Finally, we have abandonment. When we are let down by the people who are meant to care for us, we learn to become self-sufficient in order to A, survive, but B, to not be disappointed. That's where this idea of hyper-independence as a trauma response really comes from. A trauma response in psychology, it's an emotional response to an event or a series of events that injure our sense of security. I think there's this misconception that these have to be incredibly intense and catastrophic, like a war or serious death or injury.

that's not true. Things like emotional abuse, neglect, they leave just as permanent psychological scars. Also, our brains are all incredibly unique. I always say this, but it's worth a reminder, trauma is subjective. And when we experience a traumatic event that is particularly triggering or damaging for us, our body and our mind responds by entering survival mode. This is also called our fight, flight or freeze response. The mind is going to wait till after the danger has passed to try and find a way to explain that event and neatly tie it all together or consolidate what you've experienced. When it cannot do that, when it cannot find an explanation or a place for that memory to be put in our brains, we experience those lingering impacts and a sense of distress or

impaired behavioral patterns such as this self-sufficiency. It's also possible to have what we would call a delayed emotional response. Maybe in the years that have followed, perhaps your parents' divorce or the neglect, you didn't notice your hyperindependence. But then you enter into your first relationship or you start dating and begin to recognize some of those signs that we talked about before. This is, I think, especially the case if the relationship mimics the dynamic that you had with your parents. Perhaps this person never shows up for you. They're emotionally unavailable or they do something that breaks your trust. This just reinforces all of that childhood learning and it can result in delayed hyperindependency. The opposite's also true. Someone showers you and

love and affection, they consistently show up in your life. They celebrate you. They provide security. That can be equally scary because you've learned to do things alone. You have adopted this mentality that you don't need anyone. So the love shown by this person causes you to really question everything. And it makes you scared because it's not the truth that you've accepted. It's not the reality that you know. I think it takes a lot from us to give up our hyper independence because for so long it has protected us, but what does that kind of come at the expense of? So I really want to discuss that next, specifically the long-term consequences of hyper-independence, as well as some of the maintaining factors, specifically around the role of culture and social psychology. So all of that and more in just a second.

2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress.

Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast.

I'm Sam Jett. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of... crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack.

So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you finishing that sentence. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your

podcast. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hardway with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing.

And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth, or are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro.

Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, learn the hard way. Open your free, our heart radio app,

Search learning a hard way and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in someone, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for.

Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Alespian and Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police.

As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until Justice of... served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So far, we've explored what causes hyperindependence to emerge, especially as it relates to a trauma response.

But I also want to look at some of the maintaining factors, as well as the psychology behind, I guess, the healing work and the way that we can move forward. One of the biggest factors that exacerbates hyperindependency is culture and societal context. In psychology, we have this distinction between individualistic and collectivist cultures. In a collectivist society, the needs of the group are more important and people, I guess, are often asked to sacrifice individual benefits for the collective good. their identity and the group identity are equally valuable. However, in individualistic societies, what matters most is individual success, is freedom and independence.

Societies with this kind of individualistic culture, we kind of, we treat people as autonomous and we prioritize personal gain and uniqueness. And in these types of societies such as the U.S., the UK, Australia, many Western, Western societies, hyper-independence is often overlooked and rarely challenged because people are allowed to exist as unique, self-reliant humans without challenging kind of the group dynamic and the general good. We see this a lot, especially with the Western idea of exceptionalism in which devoting every hour of our life to our career, neglecting personal relationships, not asking for help,

that is seen as admirable. But we also know that that is very much maladaptive. Whilst this response or behavioral pattern may leave you feeling safe and secure because you're not challenged by vulnerability or close relationships, what drives this hyperindependency is an avoidance mindset. avoiding intimacy, avoiding trust, avoiding vulnerability, avoiding help, avoiding company.

And whilst we may have kind of superficially positive relationships, because we fundamentally do not trust others, that we are unable to form those long-term, meaningful partnerships. Even in marriages, I saw this really interesting fact. Someone who is counterdependent or hyper-independent, they'll continue to, to hide core aspects of their emotions. They will resist asking for assistance and will be reluctant to open up even from someone that they've married. They're going to avoid situations requiring deep emotional connection because that requires the possibility of being hurt. That requires the possibility of challenging this belief that maybe they are not self-sufficient, that maybe they can't do everything

on their own. I think we can all see how this can create a pretty unfulfilling life, especially since we are social beings. We have evolved around this idea of community, around this idea of a social structure that helps others. You know, relationships by nature are also interdependent. So to have successful long-term relationships, some aspect of our hyper-independence is going to have to be relinquished. So let's discuss some of the ways that psychology and therapy might help us heal this tendency and restore a healthy level of independence or a healthy level of dependence on others. We're going to discuss three tips. Firstly, addressing trust issues and attachment style, the value of inner child healing and recognizing what triggers you and when you need help.

addressing trust issues and attachment style, it involves understanding that interplay between our past experiences and our current emotional patterns. Trust issues simply put are this persistent lack of confidence and faith in others. They are a fear response and they can't be challenged overnight, sadly, but they can be through a gradual process of exposure to situations that may trigger your hyper-independency, specifically emotionally vulnerable situations, times when you need to ask for help, combined with positive reward and calming techniques. This intervention is actually mainly used in treating phobias. It's called exposure therapy, and it involves a gradual exposure to an event that creates anxiety at small levels and we increase the anxiety it creates

over time whilst combining it with something positive, whilst combining it with calming exercises so that that stress response so that that hyper-independency is not triggered. So this could involve slowly sharing personal experiences, delegating responsibility, or relying on someone for support. Every time these experiences go well, every time you learn that you can trust those around you, that they will show up, that life is maybe easier if you let people in,

you unlearn those lessons and that trauma that has convinced you that self-sufficiency is the only way to get through life. However, it's also important that we don't go too far, like we spoke of before, hyper-independent people are often more attracted to people who are codependent because they like the responsibility of managing the relationship and feeling like they can be autonomous because the other person won't question them. That codependent person just wants to make you happy. We're working towards interdependence here, not codependence.

So it's important to make sure that you recognize what your kind of boundaries are, that you can still say no so that you don't swing in the opposite direction. I think emotional extremes are also a massive indicator of a trauma response or of hyper-independency. So making sure that you're like, okay, this relationship, I might be going a little bit too far. Maybe I'm just decided to attach myself to one person because I can trust them. That's like hyper-independency, like spicy hyper-independency almost. like you're still hyper-independent plus one, plus this one additional person. We also know that one of the root causes of hyper-independency is having to grow up too quickly.

You've become an adult way before your time. So to heal the current version of ourselves, the hyper-independent version of ourselves, we also need to heal those previous versions. That includes our younger childhood selves. This is where inner child healing becomes really useful. The essential premise is that we have all experienced hurt in some way. And in order to heal our adult emotional scars and beliefs, we need to get back to those foundational experiences that we had as children.

And we need to begin treating ourselves as if we are the parent, as if we are caring for that childhood version of us. It goes by another name and that's called re-parenting. And I think that's the crucial idea here. We have to be the parent that we always deserved, whether you had a healthy example of what that should look like or not. And by loving this version of us unconditionally, by deliberately and consciously healing them, giving them, perhaps what we did not have as children, we address the things that we most want to change about our adult cells. There are a few ways that we can do this that are specific to the emotional wounds most attached to hyper-independency. So emotional

neglect and parentification, also abandonment. Firstly, engage in play. Give yourself the opportunity to be childlike, especially if that ability and that opportunity was taken away from you when you were younger. Watch movies from your childhood. Go on the swings. Make fairy bread. Pull out, you know, a board game, some uno cards, buy yourself something ridiculous and fluffy, a toy, a chocolate Sunday, just because you want to. Let yourself have those innocent childhood experiences that maybe you were not allowed to have when you were younger. Secondly, is to be messy and to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to cry openly,

to not always check everything off your to-do list, make space for the mistakes that you weren't allowed to make in childhood. That is essentially saying, I did not get the opportunity perhaps to make mistakes. I had to be on guard. I had to be self-reliant. I had to look after others. And so all of that innocence, all of that freedom, all of that room to be messy and vulnerable, those were experiences that perhaps I didn't have when I was younger, that I'm going to recreate and give myself as an adult. I think also when you

feel your inner child seeking out love, especially when you feel loneliness or longing, give them what they crave, not for your current self, not for that version of yourself that might be really scared, but for that inner child who needs you to have their best interests at heart, reach out to a friend, even if it's difficult. Ask for help because that's what your inner child needs. It might not be what you think you need, but you're not the focus here. It's about what that inner version, that childhood version of yourself needs. And practice radical self-competitive. And practice radical self-competent. passion. We talk about this quite a bit on the show because it is so powerful. When you find that you've failed, when you've been rejected, when you feel unhappy with yourself, take note of your

inner dialogue and self-talk. And imagine that your five-year-old self is sitting in front of you right now. And you're saying those things to them. You would not yell at this five-year-old version of you. You wouldn't tell them that they're useless, that they're worthless. that they're stupid. So why would you say these things to yourself now? I think that when we become conscious of the fact that this version of us still exists, needs to be reparented, needs to be protected, our approach to our current versions of ourselves become a lot more fulfilling and a lot more peaceful and gentle. Finally, I would say recognize what triggers your hyper-independent. And I think in those moments, those are the times you most need to ask for help. We have to remember,

hyper independence is a trauma response. So it's often going to be activated during times of excessive stress or emotional intensity when our mind resorts to that deeply ingrained coping mechanism because in the past, it's proved that it worked, even if it's at the expense of your long-term well-being. But it's your job to replace this behavior with a more positive one and recognize what kind of situations are catalysts for you shunning assistance, for you isolating yourself. Maybe that's an argument with a partner or a friend. Maybe it's when someone says they're really busy. Maybe it's when someone doesn't show up for you. When you know that you're going to isolate, go out instead. or ask others to join you whilst you're studying or you're busy at work.

When you know you're going to be maybe hostile towards others and you feel this urge to push them away, let them in, let them know what you're going through. When you need help, ask for it. Even if it's not from someone in your life, maybe it's from a neighbour or even someone online, it's all about those small steps. As we always say, you've got to feel the fear and do it anyway, your future self. is going to thank you for breaking out of this pattern. I guess the final reminder for the day is that hyper-independence is going to convince you

that being alone, doing things alone, is better, is safe, is secure. But that is not always the case. And like I said, we evolved around this idea of interdependency and community. It's important to know that it's not your fault, I guess. Like this comes from traumatic experiences. It comes from emotional neglect or events that caused you to grow up way too quickly and learn that you could not trust others. But as we get older, it's also important to revisit some of those childhood or early patterns of behavior that have continued with us into adulthood and check in with ourselves to see if

they're still doing what we need them to do, if they are still what is best for us in this current state of life. So I think that that is all we have time for today. I really hope that this episode kind of provide you with a better understanding of this. I love seeing TikToks and Instagram videos and whatnot around psychological concepts, but I do often think that it ignores some of the deeper understanding that we need. So hopefully this provided you a little bit of that. And if you are someone who is listening to this being like, damn, this really called me out. I think that I am hyper-independent. Well, now you have some steps. Now you have some ideas of where to go from here. Definitely left me a bit shook when I read some of the research,

specifically around the attraction to codependent people. I was like, wow, that describes every relationship I've ever had. So you are not in this boat alone. But I do really hope that you enjoyed this episode. If you did, please feel free to share it with a friend, share it forward with someone who you think might need to hear this, who you think might enjoy it. As always, please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. I read every single review. And I just love seeing the community grow and seeing there are new people find.

this show every single day. So if that's you, welcome, welcome if this is your first episode. And if you have an episode suggestion, if you just want to see when things are coming out, please follow me at that psychology podcast. And I also have a Patreon, the psychology of your 20s. If you want to support this show a little bit more and support the kind of content that I'm putting out, we will be back next week with another episode. See you then. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway. with your favorite therapist and host, Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences,

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