The Psychology of your 20s - 119. How to make the most of your 20s pt.2

Episode Date: August 22, 2023

Love, dating and friendships can feel like a black box in our 20s when we're trying to make the most out of our formative years. None of us have the answers or a guide to some of our biggest questions - how do I actually make new friends, how many friends should I have, should I be settling down this early or exploring my options? In part two of this series we breakdown how to make the most out of our personal relationships during this decade. We discuss why your answer should always be 'yes', why quantity over quality may actually be more correct when it comes to friendships in our 20s and the benefit on getting our heart broken and loving as deeply as possible during this period. We also cover my 7 tips for personal growth to make the most out of this decade, from letting go of our ego to taking time to uncover our childhood wounds, as well as the power of just having a laugh at yourself every now and then. All that and more, listen now!  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/  Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ThePsychologyofyour20s See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to.

Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice in someone, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian.

Michael Mancini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter.

And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern. and worry. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO%.

On the IHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed I will be his last target.

He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. And formally, welcome back to this little mini-series I'm doing this week,

focusing on how we can create our dream life in our 20s, where I'm going to be kind of combining all the best advice, the psychology, the evidence, personal philosophy and more from across all these different dimensions in our 20s that I think cause us a lot of strife. So things like our careers, our finances, love, friendships, the future, and of course our personal growth. So this is part two of this week's series where we're going to be talking about love, dating, friendship and also focusing on some of that deeper emotional and psychological work that I think we need to undertake in this decade. If you haven't listened to part one, please go and listen to that episode where we kind of cover more tips around managing career anxiety, feeling stuck, taking risks, and we talk about money

as well, but also you can listen to this episode completely on its own if the questions you're facing, your dilemmas, are more to do with kind of your interpersonal relationships and some of that deeper emotional content of our 20s that this decade really brings to the surface. I think the concerns we have around our future and even our present as well do fall into these different categories. We worry about being happy in our jobs, not tying ourselves down to some stagnant 9 to 5, getting the most out of these formative years. But then on a deeper level, we have a lot of questions around building meaningful relationships. You know, how many friends do we actually need? Are we settling down too quickly? Should we be dating more, dating less? What is the right

way to do this time? What is the right way to make the most out of this decade? I think the reason we worry so much about love and relationships in particular, just on like a universal human level, is, well, A, they are incredibly significant and impactful. And I think B, we don't want to live with regret that maybe we fell in love too soon or too late or with the wrong person as humans regret is a really powerful motivator because it is one of the only emotional experiences that we can't fix. What's in the past is in the past and our recognition, I think, of that permanency of all of those decisions really bleeds into the present and it causes us to be very overwhelmed by the many avenues and choices that are presented to us because we don't want to choose wrong and then potentially

close an important door, especially during this period where we feel like endless doors are open to us that we're still in this kind of free flowing state of being able to make choices and mistakes. So we're going to talk about that a little bit more. But I think additionally, one of the other reasons a lot of us are looking for answers or an answer to some of these questions. is because we have been sold a very glamorous idea that there is a correct way to live your 20s and also an incorrect way, you know, shows like sex in the city and friends. Honestly, any movie or TV show focused on people in their 20s living in New York is such a major culprit. The media really delivers very targeted and effective cues that sell a fantasy of what this decade should

look like, one of young love and chaos and partying, millions of friends, high-paying jobs when no one really ever actually works. And I think, firstly, that's not everyone's idea of happiness. Like we discussed in part one, everyone is going to have a different conception of what is going to bring them fulfillment in this decade. But secondly, this glamorous depiction of what we should be doing is not really, it's not reality. And, Yet that is really our only reference point for a lot of us. And you can feel like if you're not meeting this image, that your life is off track or that you're missing out or that somehow you're going about this wrong and you're going to really

be haunted later in life that you didn't take more risks or you didn't live this romantic, glamorous 20-something fantasy. So I think we really need to let go of these narrow ideas of what we thought our life was going to look like based on fiction or based on expectations. And when we give ourselves that freedom, I think our lives really turn out better than what we had in mind, not because it's any easier, but because it's your experience. Those experiences and memories that you're choosing to make, even if they're different from what everyone is telling you to do, they get to be yours and you get to make them special and

romanticize the things that maybe the media and those around you don't. You know, our 20s are a lot more messy than we've been told. Our problems are not neatly wrapped up in some plot twist by the end of the episode. We feel our emotions so intensely. So I want to do this episode as a bit of a reality check for those of us who are maybe worried that we're falling behind or we're missing out because I promise it's not just you feeling that way. Every single one of us is feeling a little bit stuck in some aspect of our lives. And anyone who is pretending that they haven't all sorted out is either faking it, do they make it, which I appreciate, or it's in for a very rude awakening,

because every single one of us is doing this for the first time. We are all new to life. And with that, every new year, every new situation we encounter, and the stories we're going to create, they're going to be different. There is no right way to live our lives during this period. And you don't need to be living someone else's storyline to be happy. On the other hand, though, I do think that this decade promises a lot in terms of freedom, in terms of opportunity and chaos and fun, and that emotional richness that we really need

to reach out and grab. We really have a duty to give. of our future selves some good stories, but also some important connections and some meaningful lessons as well. So a big focus of our last episode was on regret. And I think when we talk about love and relationships and friendships, there's a lot of possibility for that. But we know that we are more likely to regret the decisions that we didn't make than the ones that we do. And that's really the theme that is going to flow through all of these tips. If in doubt, do it. especially in your 20s. Always fall in love as much as you can say yes to everything,

but also don't be afraid to say goodbye. You know, this is your time to set yourself up for future success whilst also not putting too much pressure on yourself. And I think when we break that down and really focus on some of those core properties that is going to allow us to really create our dream life, it becomes a lot easier to feel like we're allowed to have our own story. and feel like our mistakes are not going to be life-ending or cause us to live with regret. So let's talk about all of this, what we need to prioritize to, quote unquote, make the most out of this decade. But also I would say some of the things that we need to de-center that can be a later issue, an issue for our 30s or our 40s.

We're going to talk love, friendships, and of course personal growth, bringing as much of the psychological. and the evidence to the table and some of the studies as well because they are so fascinating and boundless and just really, really applicable. So if you're facing some of those existential questions, if you're worried that your formative years might be slipping by, I promise we are all in it together. I'm here with you. And hopefully I can give you some of my hard earned advice to pull yourself out of that rabbit hole and create your dream situation, create your dream.

life in your 20s. So without further ado, let's get into it. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong.

Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes.

And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends... Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific. con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed. I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves.

Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do a little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at It podcast. I'm Sam Jett. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so you all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode,

we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you finishing that sentence. Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hardway with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games.

And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing

and we're still chasing it and we don't know when we've done enough because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth? Are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro.

Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, is we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. The reason I think a lot of us face this insecurity that we're doing,

doing our 20s wrong is because we are sold something. We are given this example of what this decade should look like that is full of contradictions. You know, you need to have a million friends, but also quality over quantity and, you know, young love and childhood sweethearts, but also you need to get out there. You need to have an abundant dating experience. Don't sleep with too many people, but you also need to have all those wild sexual stories. You need to party hard and do stupid things, but also make sure you're prioritizing self-care and taking care of your body. And so we're stuck in this like dilemma where we're like, oh my goodness, there are so many different options here. How do I know that by choosing one, I'm not going to look back later and

wish that I'd done more of that other thing? Here's the secret that I've learned. You can do all of that, but you can't do it all at once. This decade is full of seasons and though your age might be linear, your experiences don't need to be because like we said in episode one, you are not a passive agent in your life. If you are unhappy with something at any stage, you can change that. You get to make decisions for yourself at any point. I'm going to start off by talking about friendships because I think that our friendships are incredibly, incredibly defining. You know, there's this very famous theory that you are an amalgamation. mirror of the five people closest to you, you reflect back their qualities and their values and

their personalities. And I have a really deep belief that it is the people of your 20s that make your 20s. Our community and our friends. They are the first priority, I think, and really the one that can make or break the so-called dream life in this decade. So let's start off by talking about these unique relationships. Firstly, I'm not going to pretend that it's easy to make friends in your adulthood. We all know it's super tough. I'm sure a lot of us have found that people really stick to their groups and what they know sometimes at the detriment of more fulfilling connection. I think every single one of us sometimes struggles with this feeling that we don't have enough friends, that we could have more friends. I call it this thing, the roller coaster of loneliness.

and I was talking to a friend about it the other day, every six months or three months, I'll get this deep, despairing feeling that I am incredibly lonely and I have no one in my life. And I know that's not true. It always lasts for about a week and then I come out of it the other side. And as I've spoken more to my friends, I've realized that this is really common. We go through these lulls and these dips and these plateaus in which we feel like we don't have enough people around us to bring us joy. So I'm not going to sell you some secret formula because I know that it's very hard. Even when we have an abundance of friends, it's hard to appreciate them. But something I've found

that has helped me truly cultivate the best friendship group and friends I have ever had, the people who genuinely elevate my life to the next level was to firstly treat everyone I met for the first time like they were already my best friend, that I'd known them my whole life. And secondly, to just say yes to everything. You know, don't allow yourself to shut off certain people just because you think you won't be aligned or because you've become too comfortable. You know, you have to socialize and live with an abundance mentality, especially during this time when we have so much freedom.

We have so many years to develop these connections. And you don't know how these relationships are going to turn out. So I think you have to go to those parties where you don't know. anyone and really put yourself into new situations. If someone asks if you want to grab a drink, yeah, you do. Of course you do. If someone wants you to help them move, yeah, sure. You just got to talk to new people and who cares if they don't like you? Who cares if it doesn't work out? I think it's a worse outcome to walk past a missed connection to maybe miss out on meeting someone wonderful and life changing out of a fear of judgment. Then, you know, potentially face the reality.

that you just weren't connected. I think it takes a while to find good friends. That's something that I've learned. They are rare. It's not going to be an instantaneous connection with everyone. So don't be afraid to go through some trial and error, to put yourself out there, to take a risk and be bold because people, I think, really respond to that. People respond to others who appear confident, who appear assertive, who express interest in them. It's this founding. idea in our psychology of reciprocity. What you give others, they feel compelled to give you back. And I really think that is the secret formula to discovering new relationships and new connections during this decade. Treat everyone like they are already your best friend and this foundational

idea of reciprocity. Give them what you want them to give you back. Something else I think is important to learn during our 20s is that sometimes we come across people who just don't like us. And the thing is that someone else's opinion of you is not your problem. It is really none of your business. It's bothering them more than it should ever bother you. Unless they've really proven that they deserve to be in your life, unless they've proven that they are a good friend, their opinion is really none of your business. It's not something that should be causing you any stress.

it's just someone's thoughts and you have your own thoughts and your own beliefs around your goodness and your value in someone's life. I also think that something that I have personally realized is that you can never have too many friends, especially during this decade. So interestingly, there was a recent study published in the journal Psychology and Ageing, and what it showed was that when it comes to friendships, it's actually quantity over quality that matters in your 20s and vice versa in your 30s. So that pattern, people who had more friends in their 20s but better friends in their 30s, that was a massive predictor of later psychological well-being. And they actually tracked participants for over 30 years. And what they found was that people in their 20s who had more than 10 good friends

we're more likely to have better friends in their 30s and be happier with how they had spent that decade of their lives. So I don't want to say this in terms of almost fearmongering and being like, well, if you don't have that, you know, you're destined to be really lonely and sad. I do not think that is the case. Of course, this is an observational study. There's always nuance. And I think it's equally important to make sure that we are also nurturing those really quality relationships and those longer term friendships as well. So that's tip number two. Make time for old friends. We all know what it's like to outgrow certain people from your past. That's natural. It's normal. It's something you should be embracing to make room for other people. But we really cannot overstate the value of a friend

who has known you for as long as you've kind of known yourself, known your adult self. You know, these are the people who have been beside you for multiple chapters. They probably know you better than you know yourself at some point. And they know those really intimate things that have happened in your past. They've probably carried you through them. And I think the reason these relationships are so important is because those shared memories create very deep emotional bonds. but they're also a really key ingredient to a long-term sense of stability and emotional consistency.

Finding that balance between creating new friendships and trusting and relying on the people that got you there is one that we really need to strike during this decade. And sometimes that can be difficult. I know a lot of us live in new cities or new places. We move for college. We move for jobs. We move for partners. I look at my friendship group now and the people that have known me longest are like scattered across the world.

And it can be very easy to not maintain those relationships and to let them fizzle. I'm telling you now, you will regret that. That is the easy thing to do. But in the long run, I think it's the wrong thing to do because these people are the ones who have already been by your side for so long. So sending them the occasional text, organizing a little FaceTime call. That's like an hour out of your week, an hour out of your month. But when you're older, when maybe you're a little bit wiser, you're going to be really grateful that you put in that time and that effort when you could.

And I also think you get that beautiful opportunity to introduce your old friends and your new friends and to see how you've changed and to kind of build that circle of community around yourself. A lot of what creating our dream life in our 20s is about is making decisions now that might feel like a little bit of extra effort, but in the long run, are an investment in a really beautiful future. And tip number three, if you're looking for ways to have that dream social circle, I know that that's a massive theme that people or a massive kind of goal that a lot of people have during this decade, that dream group, that big posse of friends. Tip number three is to do it yourself.

Be the instigator. Stop waiting for other people to kind of come to you. Remember, it's about agency. So you should be creating those memories that you want to make and invite people into them. You feel like, you know, your friends maybe don't do enough wholesome activities. Well, you should plan them or you want to do more traveling. invite people to come with you. You want to see your friends more often. Reach out. I think the most kind of the most beautiful kinds of people are the ones who create community for those around them. And it's a really beautiful opportunity to be that person. Things like doing dinner nights once a week and inviting, you know, whoever wants to come. I sometimes do that on Sundays. I've been a bit busy recently. But earlier this year and at the end of last year, I got into this habit of

every Sunday I would make like a massive Italian feed and I just kind of float the invite out there. I would invite someone new every time and be like, do you guys want to come over and have dinner and we can play cards? And the amount of people that were like, yeah, I want to do that because there's someone that instigating that sense of community and that sense of connection for them. Things like painting nights, themed parties, asking if people want to go and do a boxing class with you, going for a hike. If you want to have that friendship circle, if you want to have those memories, I think it's a really important thing to realize that someone else isn't going to do that for you. And you really have to be the captain of your own journey and, you know, the captain of

your own ship, as corny as that sounds, and be the instigator. I get that a lot of these tips have been about building community and acquiring new friendships and developing old ones and really adding people to that social circle. I think that is a key ingredient. But also, I want to know, and for tip four, I think that we should not be afraid to let go of people just out of nostalgia or loneliness because we feel a sense of obligation or we're, you know, we're scared of being alone. Friendships in our 20s aren't all about new beginnings. They're about endings as well. And I think one of the universal experiences we're going to go through is that friendship breakup, that unique kind of sting of losing someone you never thought that would leave your life. You know, not like an ex-partner or even a parent.

We think of our friendships as a chosen family or a forever family. But I have a mantra that I repeat to myself all the time, which is that friends are a season, a reason, or a lifetime. sometimes they're there just to guide you through a new period in your life sometimes they're there to teach you a lesson or to teach you something about yourself and then sometimes we get lucky and they're there for the rest of our lives but i think that when we hold on to people out of fear that maybe we won't find someone better and i know that that's not the healthiest mentality to be like oh is there someone better out there for me but what i'm talking about is holding on to those stale that really don't bring you joy anymore.

I want us to think about this hypothetical that I think about a lot when I feel guilt for doing that. Imagine still being friends with every single person that you've known since you were like four years old. Making time for them every week, having a meaningful relationship. It would overwhelm us and we would eventually become a pretty terrible friend. So naturally, I think we are going to be forced to let some of those people go. In the 1990s, actually, this really well-known psychologist called Robin Dunbar, he came to this conclusion that realistically, we can only cognitively and emotionally handle a maximum of 150 social relationships over the course of our lives. And that includes with

friends, with family, with colleagues, with acquaintances, and really the golden number there is no more than 10 really close friends. I think often our 20s are a time in which we are forced to shed some of those relationships that might not be serving us during that moment for people who might better suit our lives and our personalities and our priorities, especially friends who you've not just grown apart from, but who might actually be not contributing to your life in a positive way. people who bring you down, people who aren't adopting the kind of lifestyle that you might want to live, you know, you aren't who you were at 18 or even 21 or later, and really understanding that compatibility

is a hallmark of a good friendship and that compatibility is going to change and wane. That is really important so that we don't feel like we need to almost be greedy with the people in our lives and hold on to every single connection because we're nostalgic or we're afraid of being alone in the future. All right, we're going to take a short break before we come back and tackle love and relationships. So stay tuned. We will be back shortly right after this short break. 2%.

That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier,

more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, Never mess with her friends either. We always say that, trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends, Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist.

I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care, so they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed. I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe.

On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast.

I'm Sam Jek. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick you here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know.

I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack, so I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now, so. Then you're finishing that sentence. Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for Blackburn. people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get

your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing and we're still chasing it and we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth or are you a good

person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me. Join meet Keir Gaines is we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free Our Heart Radio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. Being in our 20s and dating feels like being in the trenches. You know, one part of us wants to like find someone really lovely and settle down, but then we're worried that, you know, if we do it too soon, if we're too young, we're missing out and all these dating experiences and all these fun stories that people seem to have. So there really isn't like a right

option. And sometimes we can feel like the decisions we're making, the choices we're making. Yeah, they feel great right now. But what if we come to have a little bit of remorse around our decisions or regret that maybe we should have done it differently? Maybe we should have been more open or more closed off to some of those experiences. I think the reason we worry about love and we stress about whether we're doing it the quote unquote right way is because it is a big aspect of our development during this period. It's a really emotionally profound experience. It's what we call in psychology, especially some of our first relationships, our first experience with love. We call it an emotional milestone. So that is a psychologically significant experience

that unlocks new skills, new core memories, new behaviors, and in some ways, new facets of our personality. And I think young love is, I wouldn't say it's overhyped, but it is really romanticized and glamorized because those relationships play a huge role in who we turn out to be in our 20s. And there is no one way to do it correctly. But I think what we want to avoid is three groups of people, the time wasters, the energy stiflers, and the shallow loves. There is no point being in a relationship just for the same. sake of it with any of these types of people during this decade, not for the experience, not to feel like you're ticking off some box, these people will just detract from your life.

You know, you don't get that time back, that time you spend investing in people. And I think that they do bring important lessons, but we could have learned those lessons better by perhaps choosing more wisely or choosing to be alone for longer. And I think doing that and claiming that time back for yourself starts by really focusing inward and learning that our own company is better than the company of someone who doesn't give us the love and the attention we deserve. So my first tip for creating your dream life in your 20s centered around love is to learn to enjoy doing things alone. Learn and appreciate the value of solitude and independence. this is perhaps one of the only times when you might have the chance to be completely alone, to have the opportunity to solo travel, to move to a new city without knowing anyone,

to not have the obligations of maybe a partner or kids or aging family members, and to just be a little bit selfish with your time and to really enjoy and appreciate that solitude and those periods of maybe even loneliness. Solitude is such an incredibly psychologically profound and sacred experience, but it's also something that we have to choose to prioritize. It's very easy to surround ourselves with people, especially in our 20s, when all of our friends are incredibly accessible and we also have this fear of being alone because we have long-stigmatized solitude.

It's been widely considered as an inconvenience, as something to avoid, a punishment. but when we choose to prioritize being in our own company, learning who we are when we're not surrounded by other people, it's incredibly empowering. So in this study called Narratives of Solitude, amazing research title, these researchers found that when our loneliness, I guess, or when time spent alone is self-imposed,

it actually improves things like introspection, and improves self-awareness, and also the quality of the relationships that we do have. So how do we integrate that? I think you need to spend at least one day a month in your own company, doing something without speaking to someone else, without needing someone else to validate your existence or your experiences. And I think that really helps us learn that our existence is not dependent on someone else's acknowledgement of it. Our experiences are significant without someone else's input. I also think learning to be alone during our 20s is a really valuable.

skill that will serve you later in life. When perhaps your solitude is not self-imposed, you will know that you have these skills, the ability to enjoy your own company, to actually really, what's the word, like just almost savor it, to really savor the fact that you get time to just know yourself, to be yourself without the opinions, the judgment, the validation of others. Also, I think not being afraid to be alone also allows us to walk away from things that don't serve us, not just in our 20s, but in later life as well. And here I'm talking specifically about relationships. So this leads me to tip number two.

If you've been in a relationship with someone for less than two years and it feels stressful or toxic or it takes too much time or energy from you, you need to leave. That relationship is not going to get any better. And this decade is not the time to be making deeply emotional mental sacrifices for someone else. That time will come. That time will come later when you're married to someone when it's been 20 or 30 years. And maybe that goes for every decade as well to not be with someone who is requiring you to sacrifice your own identity and your own, I think, time and energy that you would like to devote to yourself. Love should only seek to enhance your life. And if you are fighting for this relationship to live on, especially during these younger years, all of that effort is being taken away from your own development and your own time to put into

your dream life. I think we often want to cling on to these relationships, even when they're not working out of that fear that we won't have value if we don't have a partner. And we talked about this in the stigma of being single episode, this patriarchal historical influence that continuously reinforces that if we are not dating, if we don't have someone in our lives, if we're not looking for someone, somehow there's something about us that's deficient or something about us that's shameful or wrong that maybe we can't attract love or that we are doing things in a way that is counter to what our culture and our society expects us to do, which is to prioritize romance and love above all else. But they should not be constraining you, especially in what should be a

selfish period of your life. It's also important to remember that the relationships you have at this stage will influence how you form connection later on. So it's probably worth being a little bit picky. They've conducted recent studies on this that has demonstrated how our very early romantic experiences, our interactions, our relationships might be just as impactful for our attachment style as the ones we developed with our parents in childhood. I'm going to really reinforce that. We often think in psychology that how our attachment style is formed is mainly due to things like temperament but also parental influence. So if your parents were neglectful or really inconsistent with how they showed you unconditional love, that's going to influence how you connect and attach to people

in the future. But what some of these studies are showing us is that it is not just those early childhood experiences, but those early 20-something experiences as well. So it's better to be alone that in a situation that doesn't serve you because that doesn't just impact your present enjoyment of your life, but your future ability to actually form those intimate, vulnerable connections. It's a real privilege to learn who you are beyond someone else's identity or attachment to you. And some people don't get that. So I would say if it's not the right person, don't settle. I would much rather be single till I was 40 than settle now and find myself questioning my worth, my decisions, feeling lost and disconnected later on.

life. This leads to my next tip, which is to stay single as long as possible. And I think that's a combination of the above two tips. The reason I say this is because I really truly believe that our 20s are our decade for us to use to know ourselves better. This is the time before you have responsibility and obligations to fully engage in that self-discovery, that introspection, and the wrong relationship as we discussed above can interrupt that. So you need to spend more time falling in love with yourself than falling in love with people who bring you down, who make you question your work or who kind of suck everything out of you. We also have to face the reality that your time is limited and it really needs to be divided between numerous priorities and obligations. You have 24 hours

in the day, you've got to spend some of that, you know, doing your basic needs, eating, sleeping, working, taking care of your body, spending time with friends, calling family, working on your projects. All of those things should come first and then you should have time for your relationship if that's something that you choose to do. But that time is still limited. So when you decide to invest time in someone, what is that taking away from? And is that a sacrifice you're willing to make at this point in your life? And the best relationships, they truly do occur when you have a good understanding of your wants, your needs, yourself, your values. That's incredibly attractive. That is what attracts good people into your life. The ones that you want to stay is that confidence

and that self-awareness. And I think when we're desperate, when we don't have a clear sense of who we are without other people, we really see relationships or a partner as just a box to tick to prevent feelings of loneliness or feelings of inadequacy. And I never think that we should be in a relationship in our 20s or at any age for those reasons. Finally, my last tip is to embrace heartbreak and fall in love hard. Now, that might sound counterintuitive based on what I've previously said, but remember, we're thinking about choosing the right people here. And I also think that we shouldn't be scared of loving deeply and having our heartbroken. Heartbreak creates very real physical pain. We know that. We've seen that in MRI studies looking at how our pain receptors are activated

by emotional pain, just as much as physical pain. So as humans, I think we instinctually want to avoid that. We want to avoid deep vulnerable connections because it's innate to kind of some of our survival instincts, especially if we've been hurt in the past. But I think the depth of emotions created by getting your heart tremendously, irreparably broken is an experience that is such a blessing and that we all need to have in our 20s. Because it pushes you to a place of such depth, of such knowing. It gives you empathy. It makes you more in touch with yourself. It makes you more creative. And that time in which everything seems chaotic in which your heart is literally aching really gives you the moment to figure out who you are and what you want your future to look like.

Some people scare us out of loving heart. They make us feel embarrassed or ashamed for being really, really open with how we're feeling and choosing to really dive in deeply into those vulnerable loving moments. But I think a set an example. Don't shut yourself down because of someone else's inability to feel deeply because of their emotional unavailability. Don't let them kind of callous your heart and make you feel like you are not a deeply emotional and sensitive person and that is not a beautiful thing because it is that makes you such a beautiful person. And I think each heartbreak in our lives has this opportunity and has this unique ability to teach us something really valuable. I think it is so sacred in a way. I wouldn't really

have the life I have now without my heartbreak. So I'm so grateful to those people in hindsight for not only letting me feel the full spectrum of human emotion to feel human, but also giving me the encouragement to be better and to wait for the person who would reciprocate my love and to not let myself be kind of hollowed out by hurt. You need to, I think, just push and rush and fall in love as much as possible and let your heart be broken and let it be raw and let be open to those experiences because that's what makes life so spectacular is having that connection with this broad depth of human emotion. So finally, I want to finish with my seven tips for personal growth that help us create our dream life in our 20s. Seven things that I think we all need to

work on or focus on during this decade to get the most out of this experience. Firstly, let go of your ego. So ego is this Freudian concept. It's our sense of self. It's our sense of responsibility to our self to do what's best for us. And it's the way that we interpret situations. When that is not kept in check, that can really cut us off from certain experiences. Because ego operates in two ways. One way is telling us that we're not deserved. of certain things, and the other way is telling us that we're too deserving. So I think where there is pride, there is missed opportunity. You are not too good or not good enough for any experience or any opportunity. And I think that when we let go of our ego and when we see ourselves as a bit

of a blank canvas, letting any experience become part of the narrative, letting people into our lives, we get a lot more out of this decade. My second tip, that we, I think, we all really need to do in our 20s is to unpack your childhood trauma and your childhood emotional wounds. We know that the experiences we have in childhood influence our adult perspectives and emotional approaches. And that can have a lifelong impact. And our 20s, I think, is when we first begin to recognize and become cognizant of the ways that some of those early experiences are still causing pain and trouble for us later in life. So we have a duty to really address those whilst we still have that mental flexibility, whilst those memories are fresh. So some of the wounds I think we need

to examine are things like the guilt wound. What made you feel guilty as a child? The abandonment wound. When were there times that you didn't feel loved and how was that being reflected in your current approach to connection and to what you deserve from your life? betrayal wound, how have you felt let down by people in your past? And how is that influencing how you think people will let you down in the future? And finally, the neglect wound. What were you not given as a child that you still need? These things will impact us and I think dealing with them now, really engaging in some of that introspection, that self-growth, that self-awareness is an important long-term investment in our future and in our present moment as well.

Thirdly, this one's about confidence. You got to start faking it till you make it. You know, it's something that I've learned recently that no one can really tell the difference between when you're pretending that you're confident, when you're pretending that you feel amazing, and when you actually are. And I think that that almost self-gaslighting, that self-lie that you tell yourself, gives you the confidence that we're all after during this decade and it builds your self-esteem. I think our 20s are not a time to be worrying about things like our bodies or worrying about things

like what we're wearing or what people think about us or holding back from situations because we don't believe in ourselves. And when you start to fake that level of confidence, when you start to feel brave and tell yourself that you're brave, your mind, especially your unconscious mind, really begins to believe it and it becomes a part of your reality rather than just a fantasy or something that you're telling yourself. You know, your mind actively monitors your behavior to determine your mood. It's this thing called, it's kind of like a version of biofeedback. So when you pretend to be confident, when you pretend to be happy, when you pretend to be, I guess, really self-assured, that translates into a real sense of that feeling.

And I think this is the time to really think of yourself as the shit. To do things not because you think they're going to impress other people, but because you want to do them. To do things that are a little bit outrageous and go and make stories without worrying about judgment from other people to practice self-confidence, to bring it into your mindset and your approach to your life. Fourth, take care of your body. You know, it's not a time to worry about looks. it's not a time for vanity but it is a time to realize that your body is your forever home and it's not going to go anywhere without you it is truly the only body that we have and I think a lot of the regrets that people express when they're older and a lot of the things that people wish

they had done is take better care of themselves when it was easier to do that so I'm not saying do like a full-on 75 hard transformation but think about the small ways that you can treat your body with kindness and the small ways that you can thank it for getting you through every day, for being there with you, for carrying you through every single experience. Fifth, this one I feel like is super self-explanatory. If you're on your 20s, I'm guessing you are. I think it's time to go to therapy. And I know that that is something that everyone says, but they say it for a really good reason.

And it links back to that earlier tip about, you know, letting go of your ego, understanding your childhood wounds. Doing that work now to know yourself, to know what triggers you, to know what things you're carrying with you that impact your behavior is so, so valuable. And it gives you an awareness that I think a lot of people don't have. And the way that that shows up in our lives, and especially for the people who don't do this, is that they reach 30 or 40, and it's only then that they really start to unpack why they feel the way they do.

And it's not that by then it's too late, but it's that by then they've missed a good 10, 15, 20 years in which they maybe could have been more aware of what they were going through and could really shake hands with who they are and really practice some of that self-love and some of that self-awareness that guides our decisions and allows us to make better decisions, allows us to just be happier people. My next tip is to find a hobby or something that you love doing. I think when we transition into adulthood as we are doing in our 20s, a major experience we find is that a lot of our time becomes dominated by work.

And it becomes very easy, I think, for us to be very one-dimensional creatures and one-dimensional beings who don't focus or prioritize on what actually makes us happy. Hobbies are amazing for giving yourself, I guess, intricacy and dimension to your person to also activating a bit of a flow state and bringing you enjoyment, activating different parts of your brain that you don't want to lose. You know, it's that saying of, you know, use it or lose it. But we can also say that When you choose to activate your different neural pathways and different parts of your brain and even your body to create something or do something or to play, that is a really, really valuable way of keeping our mind alive, keeping us interested in life, keeping us engaged in what's making us happy. So finding a hobby that you love, you know, might not be forever, but always having something on the side that makes you a multi-dimensional person is super, super valuable for this decade. And my final tip to end this series is to be silly, is to have fun.

And oh my goodness, I feel like such a primary school teacher or like a, I don't know, like a high school teacher here being like, what's our number one priority to have fun? But really, this is your time to be completely joyful. We don't want to lose that during what feels like a really tumultuous and overwhelming period. Play. Engage in play. Be silly. find ways to really activate that fun loving part of you, to make mistakes, to laugh at yourself,

to make funny stories that might be embarrassing, they might be cringe, but what they really are is just beautiful, wonderful memories. So I think engaging in play doesn't just have really important psychological benefits, but it's so good for us emotionally, it's so good for us mentally. it keeps us in the present moment as well, and it keeps us searching for joy in our lives. I really hate that sometimes we feel like we have to grow up too quickly and make a lot of decisions, and suddenly we turn 25 and we're adults, or we turn 21 and we're adults, and all of that childlike wonder disappears. But I'm hoping that if you're listening to this right now, you're not going to become one of those people.

you're someone who is going to prioritize being silly, keeping the adventure alive, keeping yourself in the present moment and looking for joy. So that is going to conclude this little mini-series on how to create your dream life in your 20s. If you haven't already listened to episode one, we talk a lot more in depth around career, finances, are taking risks, quitting your job, everything to kind of do with professional and financial development. And I know the series was only two parts, but in making it, I was like, there is so much more here that I could say. We could do like an entire component episode on how you treat yourself physically and ways to take care of your mental health and your 20s to create your dream life. But for now, we're going to keep it to these five categories.

And I really do hope that you enjoyed this episode. I'm still someone in my 20s. So I'm not going to say this is expert advice, but hopefully it is. is comforting to know that a lot of people out there are having the same conundrums, dilemmas, experiences that you are. We are all trying to figure it out and we are going to make mistakes, but mistakes are just beautiful lessons and beautiful stories. And that's what this decade is all about, not trying to do everything right, but trying to do everything with life and do everything with excitement and with energy. So I hope that message has come through really

strongly in this episode and the first episode we did on this series as well. As always, if you enjoyed this episode, if you like the show, please feel free to give it a five-star review on Apple podcast, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now. Share it with a friend. You never know who might need to hear some of this advice. I don't know if it was good advice, but even if it's bad advice, maybe you can have a little discussion over where I went wrong. Please feel free to for me if that is the case. And get in contact at that psychology podcast on Instagram. If you have an episode suggestion, if you just want to see behind the scenes or what's

coming up or video content, I love to see the community grow over there. And thank you so much for listening to this episode and to the first episode as well if you were there for that. We will be back next week with another episode. So see you then. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host. care games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that

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