The Psychology of your 20s - 120. Understanding your ego

Episode Date: August 24, 2023

In this week's episode we discuss the psychology of your ego and what its trying to tell us! Ego can feel nasty and entitled but it comes from a place of deep insecurity that we need to unpack before we can truly understand ourselves. We look at the 6 signs your ego is in control, where ego comes from and how to replace it with self esteem and humility. We also discuss why ego and self confidence are different things even though they sometimes look similar: how ego is insecure, inconsistent and relies on the perceived inferiority of others whilst confidence is stable, sure and kind. Remember, you are not your ego so in this episode we talk how to rein it in, accept it as part of who we are and move forward. Listen now.  My Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ThePsychologyofyour20s  My Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s, and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners,

wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode. Today, we're tackling a very frequently requested topic and also one of the major concepts in psychology and how we conceptualize the self. So I'm actually quite surprised. that I've never done a full episode on this before. What I'm talking about is ego, that nasty feeling we all get sometimes that maybe we're a little bit better than others, that maybe we deserve

more, that life is unfair to us, or we are somewhat too good for our reality. That feeling is a really hard one to come to terms with. None of us like feeling entitled, and I think we can often involuntarily ignore when those feelings come up because it's shameful to admit. But I also think that it is still very much part of the human experience as we're going to examine in this episode. There is such a long list of explanations surrounding why our ego is sometimes inflated, why we fear this way, what it's protecting us from, perhaps how it's actually really reflecting some of our more deeply rooted insecurities. Personally, I've been contemplating ego quite a bit recently, whether my reality and my self-perception is based on truth or some kind of false

idea of how I see myself. And that's not really to say that I'm up here sitting on a very high throne pretending to look down on others. You know, I think I'm way too Australian to ever have that perspective. I think I'd get cut down pretty quickly. But it's much more around am I actually worth the credit that I give myself or am I delusional? And also, is my confidence and my self-esteem really confidence or does it come off as arrogance? Is that how people might see it? And maybe that's something that you've been thinking about as well. But I think to understand ourselves and the self in general, we really firstly have to understand our ego. So we're going to discuss that today by kind of going back to some of our very rudimentary psychology and examining the very

Freudian idea around ego and some of ego's friends like the id and the super ego. We're also going to discuss how ideas around ego have evolved and changed in the modern era to be one that's very synonymous with arrogance and self-importance and how that quality is valued in some cultures more than others. very interestingly, but also what impact that has on us. And some of the crucial signs, six in particular, that it might actually be your ego in control. I also think, like I reflected and was talking about before,

being egotistical and being confident can be very, very similar and feel very similar, but they're definitely very different things. You know, ego is based in insecurity, in compassion, in the validation and success of yourself compared to others. Whilst I think confidence is very stable, it is this self-assurance that we know who we are, we know what we're about, and how we choose to treat the people around us. So we're also going to look at how we can tell the difference and how to shift from acting from a place of ego to acting from a place of self-esteem, humility and grace.

race. So I'm also going to give you four key tips around that, one of which is a little bit counterintuitive, but I promise you it makes sense when I explain it. So I can't wait to discuss this all with you today, the taboo of ego, the control it has over every single one of us, but also how do we accept it as part of human reality and really transform those urges to ones of self-confidence? So I think without further ado, let's discuss the real psychology behind our egos. We cannot understand ourselves and also our deeper self without first understanding the role and the influence of our ego. It's a vital part of who we are.

And really, I think it's important to understand how it compels us to behave in certain ways and treat others as well. And innate to that understanding is examining and having a good grasp of the actual origins and the basics of ego because there's a few different ways of viewing it. Some of them are helpful. Some of them are less helpful. And I think with most psychological concepts that have been kind of extrapolated for everyday use, there is always going to be some diffusion of accuracy in how we use these terms and how we use the term ego and refer to it throughout our daily. lives. So firstly, let's distinguish between the general psychobabble pop culture understanding of ego and some of the deeper psychoanalytic research and characterization of what this is, what purpose

it serves, why it exists, because like I said, there is a big difference here. Psychologists have been defining and redefining the ego for many, many years. But we really need to start at Freud to get a good bird's eye view of what it was intended to explain. So Freud was the first psychologist to really introduce the idea of ego into this field. And I really cannot overstate the waves that his essay on this created at the time. And still to this day, I would say his initial paper on this is possibly one of the most influential or famous papers ever written in the field of psychology. It has created entirely new fields of research and studies for generations because of how novel his ideas really were. So for Freud, our ego is really attached to our sense of self.

And in Latin ego literally means I or me or self. So our unconscious mind also referred to as the self. So in some ways, the same as ego, it's controlled by three things. three unique influences who are all striving for control. Firstly, the ego, and then we have the id, and finally the super ego. So the last two are kind of left out of our conversations on this, because they're seen as kind of secondary characters to the main player here. So our id is this very primitive, instinctual, wild part of our mind

that is in control of things like aggression, like our sexual, urges. It's driven by what Freud called the pleasure principle. So that's part of our mind, which many of us try to suppress the kind, you know, the part of our mind, which is really striving for deep, emotional, primitive release, the instant gratification of all of our desires, all of our wants and our needs, really at whatever cost. Now, if we let that sign of us run freely, it would be incredibly socially disruptive and chaotic. So this is where our super ego comes in. And this is the subconscious part of our mind

that kind of acts as a counterbalance to that really wild, unruly, instinctual part of us. So if the id in this situation is kind of the devil, the super ego is really the angel, kind of the holder of all of our deep moral instincts, our desire to be good. And importantly, the super ego is what contains all of those internalized moral standards and ideals that have been passed from generation to generation from our families, from our parents, from our society.

It's really our sense of right and wrong that tries to, in some ways, civilize us. So the id and the super ego are kind of in this deep battle for control of our mind. And our ego is the parent here. Our ego is the final decider. So what our ego needs to do is balance both of these things and try and come to some kind of decision about how we act. And I think these days, we really think of the ego as synonymous with things like arrogance or a really expanded unnatural sense of self-worth. But for Freud, our ego was the part of us in control of reality, the part of us which takes in all of the urges and the impulses from the id and then all of the good intentions of the super ego and makes an informed decision about

how we want to represent ourselves to the world, what actions we actually want to take. So I'm going to give a quick example here to kind of really nail on this point. Say you've been dating someone for a few months and they do something that really annoys you. Maybe they stand you up, maybe they forget to text you back or they get too drunk or do something stupid. In that moment, the anger and the annoyance that we're bound to feel is going to come from the id. And this part of you might really want to lash out to be furious, to give them the silent treatment, to do the things that might make you feel in the moment a lot better, but that we know in the long run are probably actually going to sabotage that relationship.

So on the other side, we have our super ego. And this is the part of us that is pushing us to forgive, to act in a way that is very emotionally pure and also at times perhaps a little bit too passive and the ego's role here is to balance both of those perspectives and act in a quite rational self-fulfilling way. So for Freud, having a strong, well-checked ego meant having a strong sense of self-awareness. However, when that ego becomes unbalanced or misaligned to our reality, that's when we start to see what we would call egotistical behavior where we are not really seeing reality and our role and place in reality clearly enough and we're kind of elevating ourselves beyond perhaps where we actually stand

objectively. This unbalanced overinflated ego is really what's aligned with our present day conceptualization. It's kind of used more as a synonym of our sense of self-esteem or our sense of self-importance, how we see ourselves in relation to others, to our successes, to our mistakes, and our sense of self-worth. And this is the perspective that we're going to take today. Our ego is that combination of all of those hidden aspects of our mind, our insecurities, our urges, our values, our morals. And when it's out of balance, that's when we begin to see those behaviors that society tells us are not particularly desirable. But I think what's important to note is that all of those behaviors that we see is connected to being egotistical is really an effort by our

subconscious mind to protect us, to protect our reality, to protect our sense of self-esteem through things like arguing or putting others down or passive aggressiveness, intolerance, blame, competition, distrust, self-doubt. So what does it look like when there's part of ourselves that it's very normal and natural to have is dysregulated and in control. What are some of the signs to watch out for that we're falling into a bit of an ego trap? So I'm going to outline six in particular that perhaps your ego has more control of your life than we would like it to. Number one, you are noticing that you always need to be right.

So the ego is at its core the picture of ourselves that our minds have created to balance our self-image, all of our wants and the contents of the self. And our subconscious mind wants that sense of self, particularly our positive sense of self-esteem, to really be maintained. Because when it's injured by things like rejection or embarrassment, it can cause really emotional and mental pain that can feel quite profound. And one thing that can challenge that kind of equilibrium and that can make us feel bad is being wrong, because it causes us to question our version of reality. Normally, when our ego is in check, it can really take on those mistakes. It's okay to be wrong and to be corrected by other people. We take that with humility. We integrate

that into our understanding. We're okay to move past that. But when our ego is overinflated, we become incredibly defensive. We all have that experience of being friends with someone who, no matter what has to be right, who corrects you instantly when you slip up. I like love this saying of like the actually friend, you know, well actually, that's not right. Actually, that's what this really means. It's not a pleasant experience. And the reason people act this way is because they are projecting a deeper insecurity that their ego is unable to keep in check. Perhaps that they aren't smart enough or they aren't intelligent. So they feel the need to overcompensate. to regulate their self-esteem by always being correct.

That is a huge sign of an overinflated ego because the healthy ego would be able to manage being wrong without reacting in a way that lets the id and lets those insecurities take control and really act in a way that satisfies the hunger and the need and the gratification of being right. Number two, you're never happy with what you have. If you feel constantly dissatisfied with what you have, you're kind of. consistently comparing yourself to others, what they have that you don't, feeling like you should be entitled to that, and therefore maybe acting out of a place of jealousy or envy, that's a really huge sign that your ego is in control.

That entitlement is an indicator that perhaps you are not providing yourself with enough challenge, with enough growth, but also with humility. It's okay to sometimes fall victim to a bit of social comparison. and we know that it's a very innate biological evolutionary urge to compare ourselves in order to mediate our own expectations and our own behavior. But when it comes from a place of almost anger, that's what indicates that your ego is looking for some kind of success or material possession or a sign that you are good enough to validate your self-esteem.

We think that people who have more money or more followers or more friends or have those really nice clothes or better items than us, we think that they are better. When really what we should be measuring our happiness and success by is the contents of our life, of our emotions, of our sense of fulfillment. That's something that the healthy ego can do. It can reflect on our beautiful attributes and what we do have. So when we're constantly feeling entitled to want more, to have more, to tear others down who might be doing better than us, That's again a sign that the ego is in control. Very similar to this is that you find yourself judging others more often than usual.

This is what we call downward social comparison. And it's very easy to get a momentary spike in our self-esteem when we're feeling inadequate by making others feel worse about themselves. In psychology, downward social comparison is a defensive tendency that occurs when we deliberately compare ourselves to people who we perceive as worse off or worse than us as a way to elevate our own sense of self-worth. This might also manifest in thinking that you're too good for some people, too good to talk to them, too good to include them, to be friends with them, to show them compassion. That's honestly one of my biggest pet peeves.

I have this very deep belief that no one is better than anyone else. There are very few people in this world who do not deserve your respect. You know, I met people when I was at uni, and the way that they treated me and kind of others as well and turned their nose up at people who they didn't see as fitting into the in-group or being cool, that left such a powerful impression. You get nothing out of making other people feel bad just so that you can feel better. And it's very short-lasting. It closes you off, and also people will remember how you made them feel. And I think that's an important part of being a good person and being a good human. Very similar to what I mentioned before, someone who is sure of themselves, who has a consistent,

sustainable sense of self, shouldn't have to rely on these kinds of mental or social tactics. So if you find yourself kind of walking down the street and judging others, almost internally commenting on what they're wearing, critiquing other people's actions, thinking to yourself, I would never wear that, I would never do that. really pull back for a second and contemplate why you're doing that. Where is this urge coming from? Is that your ego talking? Is that your ego's need for self assurance and reassurance?

Or is that actually your reality? So number four, you cannot manage failure. Your sense of self quite literally cannot take it. It would just further injure your self-concept. So you act in ways that are incredibly self-sabotaging. you withdraw, you procrastinate, you express undue frustration as a way of protecting that ego. And I think very similarly to this. And number five is that in those situations where you are experiencing failure, you blame others when

things go wrong rather than taking personal accountability. So in psychology, we have this distinction between an external and an internal locus of control. And it's this theory that articulates how different people, will make up different reasons for why something didn't go their way. People with an internal locus of control, they believe that they are responsible for their own successes and they can change things about their behavior

when an outcome is perhaps not what they wanted. So if they encounter failure, they appreciate their own role in that and what lesson they can take from that experience. In contrast, people with an external locus of control, they blame things outside of them. Factors like other people, like luck, fate, a rigged system, they blame all of those things for their situation.

And they don't believe that they are accountable for what they're encountering in their life. Not only does that contribute to learned helplessness in which people really devalue their own agency, but it also can indicate, once again, that your ego is overinflated, unbalanced, or in control. role, especially when it comes to finding reasons to excuse things that may hurt your sense of self-importance. You can't feel bad about something if it's not your fault. So if your ego really needs protecting, it will attribute situations that prompt guilt or humility to things that are beyond our realm of agency. It's actually one of my favorite concepts in psychology because it's very noticeable, I think, within others when they have an external locus of control versus an internal one.

Something that I noticed a lot was people who complain about a test and maybe a test that's like really, really hard. And they say that the reason they failed was that, you know, someone was talking too loud, that the teacher had made it way too difficult, that the examiner, the teacher had it out for them. That might be true. Sometimes those things are true, but it also might be that that external locus of control is finding a way to protect your self-esteem and protect your ego. The final sign of a dysregulated, over-inflated, unbalanced ego is arrogance and feeling like you deserve more from life or other people because you have some quality, some unique attribute that others don't have. This is a common theme, I think, throughout those other five indicators we've discussed, but I think it deserves

its own spot because arrogance presents itself a lot more overtly. Arrogent people need to be the center of attention. They don't like compromise. They expect special treatment and they have what we would call a superiority complex. It's interesting to me because this sounds very similar to certain personality disorders, particularly narcissism. And actually there have been some theories that a permanently dysregulated ego or an injured subconscious might actually be behind the existence of these people in our society. Those who have this preoccupation with their own self-importance, they're really entitled, they're interpersonally quite exploitative. Narcissism, however, is a diagnosable disorder and our ego is just a part of us, right?

There can be times in which it's overinflated, in which it's acting beyond what appears to be our sense of control where we are acting from a place of arrogance, but it doesn't mean that it has the same lifelong implications and the same kind of status as a personality disorder. Also, our ego is a lot more flexible. It can be kind of bended back into check when it's triggered to protect us. And there's a few things that can do this that might have caused an ego shift or an overinflation just temporarily. number one is a long string of successes or failures. These both act as unexpected events that alter our reality and our sense of self-worth, and they cause our ego to kind of have to adjust,

and that delay is what can cause that arrogance or that overinflation. Things like bouncing back from a breakup, sometimes we really elevate our self-confidence or our ego really steps up to the plate and makes us feel a sense of self-importance or entitlement, to make up for the fact that actually deep down, we're really quite hurt. Really similar to that is situations that make you feel really emotionally uncomfortable. So I have an example of this. I have this one ex who I have always felt really inferior around.

And now, when I run into this person at parties or, you know, out in the street, I feel this like insane urge to just become an egotistical monster because of all that historical insecurity. And I respond by being like the complete opposite of who I am. I always try and make it seem like I'm doing so amazing and almost like brag about myself. And afterwards I always really cringe because that's a really ugly part of me that I'm not really used to seeing.

This false version of me that's kind of coming out and trying to impress this person who I genuinely could not care less about at this stage, I can see now that that's because my ego in that moment is being triggered by those past events that have caused me emotional pain, that have caused me to feel bad about myself. And so it's trying to create almost a sense of being better or being entitled or being successful as a way to protect myself from having to feel those feelings around that person again. our minds operate in such funny unconscious ways to help us out and sometimes in trying to help us actually it acts in a really counterproductive contradictory way and creates more trouble and sometimes i think we think that confidence and i think about that in that situation we think that confidence and ego are the same things or we confuse our ego with confidence and that's a distinction that i really want to explore

How can we tell the difference between when we're experiencing perhaps just a high self-esteem versus an untamed ego? They can feel really similar. So I really want to discuss that next, along with how we can shift from acting from a place at ego to a place of self-love, humility, and compassion. So all of that and more after this short break. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness,

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Join me, Keir Gaines, is we have. have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free Our Heart Radio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. I think there is a very thin line that separates our self-esteem from our ego. It's something I contemplate a lot, especially as a woman, because sometimes I think society likes to misconstrue our self-confidence and our self-assurance as arrogance. but there is a distinction. And I think villainizing self-confidence won't actually do anything to soothe our ego.

I think we can still have those qualities of being really amazing and claiming our power and knowing our worth and having a stable ego. Additionally, I think we all benefit every now and again from a bit of an ego boost. It's nice to feel like you're admired or you've done something right. and we don't want to fall too deeply into humility because that can sometimes actually contribute to poor self-esteem when we can never kind of take credit for our successes and our hard work and we can never take a compliment. And doing so doesn't mean that your ego is out of control. You're allowed to feel proud of yourself for your accomplishments without trying to call yourself back into check and tell yourself to be humble and to settle down.

I think when our ego is actually activated, that comes off very, very differently. It comes off as self-entitlement and arrogance. You know, that need to be right, that judgment. That is all coming from a deep detachment from ourself. At the core is this insecurity. And what I mean by that is that our ego is once again acting as a way to protect us from being injured by things that it thinks will hurt our sense of self-concept. additionally it's quite relational so it's quite comparative and almost based on the existence of others so our ego only really ever acts out in front of other people and it's very loud in the presence of others because it's often in those situations or when we are put in a position where we feel the need to compare ourselves to others that our ego is triggered and so we self-enhance we fluff out our feathers that is almost a defensive mechanism

In contrast, self-confidence exists regardless of the actions, the opinions, or the presence of others. Ego comes from that instability within the self, but confidence comes from certainty and trust in ourself. And like I said, it's very separate and irresponsible to others. Confidence is always going to be there regardless of what other people think of you, regardless of whether other people around, because it is an internal source of reinforcement. of validation compared to ego which is seeking the approval and validation of others. I think the other distinction is that ego is counterproductive and it causes us to act in ways that are not aligned to our true selves, whereas self-confidence comes from knowing that true

self and being comfortable in that, trusting our choices and our decisions. And whilst ego responds to distortions in reality, you know, feeling like we're better than others or at times that we are maybe undeserving of things. Confidence is really rooted in the truth. I know my value. I know who I am. I know what I bring to the table. And we can recognize the difference and when ego versus confidence is in control a few ways. Firstly, you can tell when your ego is triggered versus when you're responding from a place of self-esteem based on the direction of your energy. So let me clarify this. if someone insults you, your ego will ask you to respond by tearing them down, finding a way to undermine them and prove that their opinion is wrong or invalid,

that you don't need to listen to it, perhaps by identifying something about them that you don't like or some personal fault. Confidence, on the other hand, doesn't care of what they said is true. It might be true. This person might believe it, but we don't mind. We don't care. And so you don't need to respond by retaliating. You don't need to respond by reinforcing your self-worth by bringing that person down.

But you dismiss the comment, you hold your head high, and you provide that own positive self-affirmation through your own means rather than through your comparison to someone else. Confidence will never rely on you needing to feel better than someone else. But ego often does rely on that false sense of superiority. Secondly, ego feels uncomfortable and confidence feels safe and healthy. When we act from that place of an overinflated ego, all of that insecurity that is driving this response will still exist after the fact. It's not going to go anywhere. You're still going to feel bad.

You're still going to feel unstable. That deflated self-esteem will remain. And you'll almost feel, I would say, emotionally hung over from. that overactivity of your ego. When you're relying on your confidence, you will still feel that sense of reassurance. Your emotions are going to remain stable because once again, that is based on how you feel about yourself, not based on some relational or social comparison. Finally, we see the difference in how we treat others based on what part of ourselves a situation is activating. someone whose ego is inflated or misaligned, who is letting perhaps their id dominate,

will make other people feel bad about themselves. They will leave people feeling uncomfortable. They will suck the energy out of the room. They will exclude others or keep people at a distance. But people who are acting from a place of true, unique, authentic confidence, they make other people feel safe. They let them know that they are wanted in those spaces, that they are interesting, that they are comfortable in those spaces, they encourage them,

they make them feel good rather than making them feel uneasy. So how can we act from a place of confidence and self-esteem rather than ego? And maybe a better question, how do we rein that ego in, and act from a place of genuine self-assurance? Because I think no one likes feeling motivated by insecurity, or I guess feeling disappointed in their arrogance, or the momentary entitlement. So how do we replace ego with positive self-esteem and humility?

I think the biggest thing to realize is that you are not your ego. Your ego is just one element of who you are, not your totality. And equally as important is that your ego is within your control. When you can feel it flaring up, kind of rearing its ugly head or dysregulated, you can call it out, speak to it as a separate entity. kind of like a mean friend or like a negative internet troll. You know, just saying, you know, no, we don't do that anymore. That's not who we are.

We don't say those things. We don't think those things. That's not the truth. It actually almost embarrasses your ego. And it kind of breaks the fourth wall, letting you see the reality of your thoughts more logically and clearly. Those are still your thoughts. You are in control of them.

You can adjust them accordingly. Secondly, focus on what you feel you're objectively good at. What qualities about yourself do you admire? This might sound like it would maybe encourage egotistical thinking, but we know that our ego actually flares up most of the time when our sense of self is threatened or compromised. So finding a sustainable source of self-worth stops you from needing to leverage other people's apparent inferiority

to make yourself feel better. I want you to make a list of five things you are good at, five things you love about yourself and your five best qualities that are independent of other people. I don't want to see things like, you know, I'm a good parent or I'm a good daughter or I'm a good partner. We want qualities that are wholly yours, that you trust in, that you admire about yourself, even if other people were not around. This serves as like almost a private reserve of good thoughts for those days when you're maybe feeling a little bit emotionally wounded or you're feeling down and your ego may try and overcompensate. It kills that need to seek approval and validation from others. And you know, external validation is such a fickle thing. It's very inconsistent.

It's not a stable sense of self-worth. but we can provide a stable sense of self-worth by reinforcing what we like about ourselves, what we think we're good at, what we know we're good at. Thirdly, let yourself be wrong, let yourself make mistakes, allow yourself to kind of have a bit of a laugh at yourself. I think taking ourselves too seriously and arrogance go hand in hand, because implicit to that assessment is that your actions matter more than others, that you have to hold yourself to a higher standard because you need to feel

feel better, look better, be better than other people. That's a lie your brain is telling you. Everyone in this life will make mistakes and they will be wrong at times. So being comfortable with that reality, adjusting to that exposure and that experience of embarrassment by turning it into a positive thing, by having a laugh at yourself, that really slowly conditions our sense of self-esteem and our sense of self to deal with failure and to not let it critically injure our self-esteem and our self-concept. Fourth is to see the good and others. Give them love and generosity and compliments and compassion rather than seeing them as some

source of envy or jealousy. You know, I think having a career on social media really breeds this social comparison a lot and I really personally hate feeling like I need to be more like someone else or that my content isn't good enough because I don't get X number of listens or Y number of likes. But a saying I really love is that someone else's success isn't the absence of your own. Just because someone else is talented doesn't mean you're not. Those things are not finite. There is a lot of the pie to go around.

And I think reverting to treating people like competition rather than as friends and really people deserving of your encouragement, it actually just devalue. use your own self-confidence because you're constantly looking at them for validation rather than looking at yourself. You're constantly trying to see how you kind of line up to see whether you meet this standard. So I would say really look for things that you admire about people, look for things about them that are really beautiful, look for the things about them that are really human and wonderful and let them know that. Kind of spread that love. It will make you feel better. it will make other people feel better.

It will lessen that sense of needing to be in competition with the people around you. And finally, I would say, ask yourself why? Why do you feel like you need to be better than everyone else so that maybe you are better than everyone else? Why do you feel this entitlement? Where is this belief coming from? Is it a childhood insecurity? Is it poor self-esteem? Is it that you maybe want a little bit more from your life?

and you feel like you're not providing yourself that opportunity right now. Everything has an explanation, including our ego, and I do think we have a duty to get to that root cause, deconstruct it, and replace it with real, authentic, pure confidence, with self-love and gratitude for what we do have and who we are. There are some other things that I think are really important practicing gratitude. I just mentioned that. That is one of them.

Sometimes, like I said, one of the signs that our ego is, in control is feeling like we deserve more from our lives or feeling like we deserve more from others being constantly dissatisfied. But when you really reflect on what you do have and that you don't need to achieve what others have achieved or have what they have to be okay with your life, that's a great way of reining your ego in. It's a hard reality to realize that there's always going to probably be someone better than you, you know, on that kind of scale that we see. There's always going to be someone making more money or who has more friends or is more successful or any marker of success or accomplishment, you know, it's very hard for us to be number one. A lot of people are number two,

three, four, five, six. So that is just as valid as a place to be. And you can still be happy with that and move on with your life. I think that's something that I find really important is to list the things that I am grateful for in my life, the things that I'm envious of myself for creating, you know, that my past self would be like, wow, that's so cool. And I can just be really grateful and appreciate the moment that I'm in. I think that's all I have for today, all my information on ego for this episode. I really hope that you enjoyed it, that it provided a bit of clarity, knowledge if this is something that you're struggling with. I promise it's not something to feel shame towards. It is a very natural normal part of just being a human. Is our ego fluctuating from time to time trying to make us feel

better or compensate for things going on in our life. So I really hope that this has been informative, that it's taught you something about how to handle those kind of ugly emotions every now and again. As always, if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now, Google Podcasts. I don't know if that's a thing. Maybe I should check that out. And make sure you're following or subscribed and sent it to a friend if this is something that they need to hear. We also have a Patreon. I say we.

It is actually just me doing this. I write all my own episodes. I record them, produce them, release them. And it's a lot of work. So I really appreciate when people show their support and decide to kind of have a look behind the scenes and access some of that bonus content and also support me on the way.

So there is a link in this episode description if you want to check it out. And finally, if you have a podcast suggestion, maybe there's an episode that you want me to cover. Please feel free to reach out to me at that psychology podcast. This episode was actually a suggestion from a listener. And I'm really sorry, I forgot your name, but I think you know who you are. Thank you for a wonderful suggestion.

I really do like kind of crowdsourcing ideas every now and again from what you guys are going through, the experiences of your 20s or just your life as a human being. So follow us over there for video content and just to kind of see what's coming out, see what's happening. We will be back next week with another episode, so thank you for listening. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host, Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you're not to be played with.

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