The Psychology of your 20s - 122. The pressure to be exceptional in our 20s

Episode Date: September 1, 2023

Increasingly, those of us in our 20s are facing an exceeding pressure to be exceptional and have a million accomplishments and accolades under our belt. If we are not successful, what are we worth? Examples like the Forbes 30 under 30, the wunderkind phenomena and young success stories all make us feel like we're not achieving enough or are falling behind. Today we're going to break down exactly why we feel this way, using theories around self determination, observational learning and social comparison. We'll also examine how we can break away from our need to be defined by our successes using practices like mindfullness, examining our online persona and capturing delight to use our 20s to explore rather than excel. Listen now!  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/  Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ThePsychologyofyour20s See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s, and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is great to have you here back for another episode of the psychology of your 20s. Today we are going to discuss an experience that is becoming, I would say, increasingly common in this generation. And that is this pressure to be exceptional. I think, think we all have those times where we've looked at the people around us or who we idolize,

the people we see on social media or in magazines, and really contemplate whether we should be doing more, whether we're falling behind, what our actual worth is if we are not highly successful in our 20s. And I think it comes from this very deep societal obsession with success and needing to be the best, this very individualistic conception of happiness as one that is defined by accolades and accomplishments and the praise that we receive from other people. I think we're not helped by feeling like a lot of those golden children or examples of very young success stories are somewhat really not only visible but kind of thrown in our face, kind of made to be a point that we're not doing enough.

You know, the Forbes 30 under 30 list, all those young achievers, those young entrepreneurs. And what that example can lead us to is a really deep sense of dissatisfaction and low self-worth, where we just feel like we are not enough because we are not doing as much as these people are. It's definitely a trap that I have fallen into before,

feeling like my 20s are somehow a competition, rather than time to just figure things out. And I'm sure that I am not alone in that experience. It has become a lot harder for people in this generation to feel like what they do matters that they're doing enough, especially as things like college acceptances become so much harder. And when we're applying for first jobs, where it feels like everyone has that coveted internship or some startup that they founded when they were 16, that's amazing. That's incredible for them, but we don't have to be like those people to be happy.

So how do we kind of find peace and joy and fulfillment amongst all of these influences? Well, today that is exactly what we are going to talk about, starting by breaking down where this pressure to be exceptional has come from, from social comparison, from social media, from successful sibling syndrome and so much more. but also the consequences of this perspective and ideology for our mental health and our general well-being. I also think that feeling like you need to do something in particular or achieve something in particular to receive external validation or to be seen as worthy is one of the worst motivators we can encounter. And there are so many theories in psychology that confirm this, that suggest that when we actually enjoy something and we actually love something, even if society doesn't think it's as bright and shiny and impressive, we're actually going to be a lot more committed to it and enjoy it a lot more.

We're also going to discuss the ways that we can detach from this toxic mentality by finding delight, by redesigning our conception of happiness and cutting ties with anything and anyone who makes you feel like you need to be doing more. in order to be worthy. If this has been your experience recently as a 20-something-year-old or beyond, we are here to discuss all the psychology behind this experience. And also just sometimes highlight the beauty of just being ordinary, of not needing, you know, a Nobel Prize or acceptance to a Harvard, you know, or Ivy League school to A, be a worthy person, be a happy person and C be a good person. So I think we better get into it. Without further ado,

let us break down the psychology behind the need or the pressure to be exceptional in our 20s. So like I said recently, I have identified this common experience that we are feeling an increasing pressure to be absolutely exceptional or be the best at something in our 20s or at least have something unique about us that makes us stand out from the crowd. It always surprises me when I talk to fellow 20-something-year-olds where, you know, a lot of us are kind of reaching a certain fork in the road where we're feeling very lost, feeling like we need to make a lot of decisions. And at that point, many of us are overwhelmed by the sense that one of the choices we can make or one of the choices that we do make will leave us feeling really mediocre or leave us feeling like

we should have done something else, or that we should be doing more, that our lives are kind of not meaningful unless we are being externally recognized for something that other people perceive as brilliant or impressive. And this is not about being the best version of ourselves or recognizing that, you know, there are certain ambitions we have or that we are a work in progress. No, it's this real distinct sense of failure that what are our lives for if we are not succeeding. What are we doing if we are not being praised for something or other that we have achieved? Personally, I actually think there's nothing wrong with wanting to be the best version of yourself or having really, you know, incredible plans and large goals. But I think the caveat is

that this can only be sustainable and actually prove, you know, very fruitful when that ambition is derived from our internal values and our internal goals, not some broader societal expectation or pressure. But the fact that so many of us are feeling that pressure from external sources is probably what's leading to such a deep sense of failure and dissatisfaction in this generation. You know, questions around, why am I not like that other person? What am I missing? Should I be working harder? should I be making more money, stretching myself even further? And recent studies have revealed that as many as one in four of us feel like a failure or feel like we are wasting our lives. And what I find interesting about that is when you push people further and really examine what they mean when they say their lives are a waste,

what we see is that so many of these individuals were equating the value of their life with really 10, tangible success and really tangible forms of recognition. And I think that's really what the pressure to be extraordinary or exceptional is all about. Being, you know, quote unquote, that person who has amazing grades, who makes heaps of money, who has some side hustle or passion that gets attention, having some kind of, you know, sporting accomplishment, running marathons on your days off, like just being a highly successful and admired person, you know, essentially just having it all together. And I don't know about you, maybe you're different to me, but I have never met someone like that in real life, ever. Like, I've never met someone who has it all together whose life is absolutely perfect and who is, you know, exceptionally brilliant and at like the top of their field and has no problems with that.

that pressure to be exceptional has been promoted across so many different avenues in our cultures, in our lives, in the media, and often so implicitly that we don't even recognize what a significant impact it has had on our attitudes and our behaviors and also our ambitions, or even sometimes the unrealistic expectations that we have for our lives. So as people who are navigating early adulthood, it now feels like, you know, figuring out who we are. is a competition based on accomplishments rather than trial and error, getting to have, you know, just a few years

where you just kind of fuck around and you do nothing where you actually kind of explore the world and the contents of who you are without trying to be impressive, without trying to achieve something. When I think about the main culprit for me of this feeling,

the one that really gets me in such a rut of self-criticism, it is Forbes 30 under 30. And for those of us who are not aware of what that is. Well, firstly, congratulations. Please enjoy your piece for as long as you can. But it's essentially this list that Forbes put out every year of the most successful, impressive, accomplished people in their 20s, you know, or under the age of 30, across every discipline, social media, sports, science, venture capital, whatever you can imagine. And every single person

on this list, someone actually said this to me the other day, every single person on this is like the worst person you can meet at a party. You know, especially if you're feeling bad about yourself. Because they are the golden children of the 20-something-year-olds. They are the ones who have ticked all of the boxes so far. I think it all derives from our deeply kind of psychological and emotional obsession with the Wondekind. You know, a person who achieves great success at a relatively young age.

And our obsession with that occurs because it combines the two things that society really admires the most, which are youth and success. And we see these people on magazines, you know, we see them starting up companies, TV, you know, on TV, all across our for you pages. And for the everyday person, probably like you and I, I think the message from all of this is very clear. It is not okay to just be good anymore. You have to be exceptional. because if they can do it, you know, why can't you? What does that say about your talent, about your intelligence, about your ambition, your discipline? If you as a fellow 20-something-year-old, someone in this decade of your life, are not reaching the same heights as these people who are essentially our peers.

And when we buy into that ideal or narrative, it can leave us with such a diminished sense of self-worth, negative self-esteem. it can push us to burn out, feelings of worthlessness as well, but also a really deep, almost addiction or need or reliance on social comparison, where we constantly are examining the successes and the exceptionalism of others in thinking, you know, what am I doing wrong here? What is wrong with me that I'm not at the same level that they are? we know from a psychological perspective that social comparison is a really important evolutionary instinct that has evolved to help us evaluate our behavior and our performance based on group norms and really make sure that we are staying in line with what the group expects of us.

But where previously a lot of that social comparison was going to be limited to, you know, our close friends or our classmates or family or co-workers, now with the emergence of the internet, that kind of gives us like 24-hour access to compare ourselves to anyone in the world at any time. It's provided, I think, such an unnatural insight into the lives of everyone and what they're doing, what they're accomplishing, how exciting everything must be for them. And when that constant stream of information is not contained or we begin to find it difficult to decipher, you know, truth from fiction, I think it's impossible to ever feel like we're good enough in that environment. There was this really fascinating article from the Michigan Post, and I think it put it really,

really well, you know, with the ever-present kind of manufactured realities of social media, there are now endless opportunities for comparison. So every day, we are presented, with people who are close to us in age, who have and do more than us, people who lead very glamorous lifestyles who are accomplished. And we don't really have the awareness, I think, to really call ourselves out and be like, that is probably not the truth. Every profile you see, every Instagram page, every TikTok, that is based on the establishment of a presentation of self or a persona that only exists online. And that person. And that persona is meant to be appealing. It's meant to be desirable. It's meant to grab your attention.

And it's also chosen with a purpose. And I think it's interesting because we can know that as much as as much as we try that social media and reality are not aligned. But every single one of us still does it. Every single one of us still has this really curated, glossy polished online persona. You know, I have one. I feel kind of ashamed to admit that. But the person I'm on, you know, who I am online is not the same as who I am in person because of this pressure to give into the need to curate my external presentation. And that really also relates to how we represent our successes online as well. You know, the other thing I've begun to notice maybe around last year that I think also has some influence, maybe less than social media as a

whole in general, but they really go hand in hand, was the trend of people being that girl or that person. This like trend of people showing us their 15 hour days in which every hour is incredibly productive and they eat really well and they exercise every day and they make $10,000 of passive income or something like that. And it looks really great, right? Like it gets our attention. It looks really admirable and it definitely is, but how realistic is that really? How many 20-something-year-olds or people in the world can actually live that life sustainably? And even though we know that a lot of it is probably fiction or really curated, it really influences us in subtle ways. Even things like that, which feel negligible, act as a social cue. So psychology can really explain why that is,

why we find that we take on this pressure to be exceptional in the face of all these factors. One of these explanations is around observational learning. So this theory emerged from a series of pretty famous experiments conducted by the psychologist called Albert Bondura, who watched how children tend to imitate the behaviors and actions of people close to them. So we look to others to teach us the way, right? to show us what we should be doing, what society expects. And then we try to mimic it or feel almost if we can't mimic it, this intense sense of failure.

So when all of these cues from social media and our peers are being absorbed, what this is really doing to us is setting an example of how we think we should behave, influencing us to be like those people, to act like them, to meet the apparent standard of being extraordinary. And I think that's so problematic because obviously these expectations that we are exposed to are not reality and yet we think they are, hence that pressure forming. I also think it won't come as a surprise that this intrinsic fear of being mediocre and a sense of failure is a lot more common in high achievers, particularly people who were very accomplished

in high school or even at university. I know a lot of us are actually like this. You know, as children or teenagers, we worked really hard to get good grades, to receive the praise of others. You know, we absolutely thrived in those structured environments and we got awards and accolades. And with that a sense of accomplishment. And then when we leave that small contained environment, we are suddenly really shocked by how many other people out there might be just like us. we experience failure for the first time, which is totally natural, but it absolutely throws us for a loop because who are we without these successes, without this external validation?

I think overachievers are also much more susceptible to this broader narrative and idolization around success, because to some extent, we've already brought into it as an element of our identity. We have been indoctrinated and so we push ourselves to keep being that version of us, which by no surprise leads to really high rates of things like burnout and alienation not just from ourselves, but from others and also our deeper values and our deeper goals because we've never actually sat down and thought, what actually makes me happy here? It's all just about accomplishment. it's all just about getting the best grades, being like this perfect version of us, and not so much about really satisfying our internal needs and our internal enjoyment of our lives.

And then, of course, this is only exacerbated when we are actually exposed to those really exceptional people, not just online, but in real life. If you are someone who has a sibling or a family member who has just done, like, incredible things, who is the family golden child, you will know the feeling of constantly being compared to them or being told to be more like them or judging yourself based kind of on the example that they've said. So I have a sister who is this very, very talented athlete. Shout out to Ellie if she is listening to this. And I really, I love it a bit as she is like an incredible person.

And I think though, despite the fact that I'm not even 1% an athlete, I still feel this need to be more like her in my pursuits. And they've done research on this as well, and they've found this term that I think sums it up perfectly. I don't know where I heard this, but it is like the perfect term for this. It's called successful sibling syndrome, whereby we feel overshadowed and thus face incredible pressure to be extraordinary in the presence of a sibling like this. Family dynamics are so funny in that way because they bring us so much joy.

and they really elevate our lives, but into family comparison can also, as we've seen, lead to a lot of bitterness and resentment if one child receives a lot of validation and the other child or the other siblings are kind of left out. Okay, so now that we've examined the origins of this pressure to be exceptional and fantastic and successful, particularly in our 20s, what I really want to talk about are some of the consequences and why seeking this external image of success might not actually be totally effective or make us happier individuals, but also how to reject the narrative and to really see your 20s as a time to be exploring rather than excelling. So all of that and so much more after this short break. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs,

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Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. No one likes feeling mediocre. No one likes feeling like they're not meeting their own expectations or not reaching their potential. But there's a distinct. between pursuing your best self and someone else's conception of what your best self should be. Because is it really that bad to not be special? You know, and to just be happy with what makes you happy, even if society doesn't really

understand it? I think that takes just as much courage and passion as putting everything into being a young success story of giving the image of perfection and accomplishment. So much research has shown that when people experience an unresolved, and undue an abnormal amount of pressure to excel or to be the best, there are some really serious consequences for our mental health and it also doesn't actually mean they will be more successful. You know, firstly, it creates a really high level of self-criticism where we aren't able to really regulate our own feelings about ourselves and our own self-concept because we feel like

our worth is based on external standards rather than how we actually view ourselves. internally. And I know I mentioned it before, but another consequence is burnout. It's such a, you know, it's on such a rise at the moment. There are so many people who I know personally who say this, like I'm so burnt out. I'm trying so hard to be this like exceptional, incredible person. I remember this time in my very early 20s when I was working two jobs. I was trying to like write articles, trying to have original ideas, make like the freaking Dean's list at my university and I could just kind of feel like my body was giving out on me. It's weird, but I just felt like I could feel how tired I was like in my eyes and how much I was just pushing myself too hard.

And for what? You know, for someone else's passing admiration, probably someone I didn't even know or didn't even know that well to appear a certain way, to have some kind of reputation. And I really had to question is that momentary feeling of being admired or feeling accomplished worth as much as I'm giving up, that feeling of being around my friends or of actually having time to enjoy my life, is that going to be a better use of my time? I guess the question you really need to ask is, is being hard on yourself worth it? Is it really going to improve your life? Is that success really going to be the one that is going to make you happy? Or is it just going to make it more, you know, more difficult to really fully enjoy what you have? I think that pressure, particularly

in our 20s, can also bring an overall sense of dissatisfaction with our life. This is a really interesting point because we really do have the power to create our own definition of happiness. We get to choose what our dream life looks like if we are intentional with it. And we actually examine what about our beliefs has been adopted from a societal idea of happiness and what has come from our own desires. So, you know, do you really want those accolades? Would that seriously bring you deeper satisfaction and meaning? Or were you just raised by parents who promoted perfectionism? Or were you just raised in a society that says it is okay to sacrifice all other elements of your life for success? A really easy way to figure that out is when you think about your

dream life, what are the things that you feel the need to justify? And what are the things that you include just because you know that they're expected? You know, our emotional reaction to these different things tells us a lot more about what we actually feel when it comes to our choices, and whether we're content with them or not. There's also a really significant reason why the external pressure to be exceptional actually doesn't help us to be better people or to accomplish more. So in psychology there is this really interesting idea. Theory, it's called self-determination theory. And what it does is it outlines how and why people are motivated to do certain things. Basically, we can derive our motivation from what we call extrinsic motivators or

intrinsic motivators. So extrinsic motivators, they all kind of come from beyond us. They're things like pressure from other people or the need to conform or the coercion or power of other people's opinions. And these motivators are a lot less powerful at getting us to do something or to maintain a certain behavior compared to intrinsic motivators. And these derive from our genuine enjoyment in doing something, our inherent interest and satisfaction with that activity. You know, no one is telling you to do it. You just want to do it because you. you find joy in it. And I think it's very easy to see which of these motivators is going to be more impactful, right? And also why pursuing certain ambitions or goals because we think it will make

someone else happy or make someone else impressed, not only is that going to leave us unfulfilled, but we are also a lot less likely to put in as much time and love and energy into those outcomes and into those accomplishments compared to ones that we internally are actually really passionate about. It's also worth reminding you that on a planet of, I think, 9 billion people now, not everyone is going to be exceptional. You know, actually some people have to be ordinary. Most of us will be ordinary. And you are in the company of billions of others who feel completely content with that state of their life.

Also, I think even if we look to those heroes that we have, you know, our idols, our examples of success, I don't think anyone or any one of them ever gets to the point of being like, this is it. I've achieved it all and I'm happy. It's such a myth that success brings greater fulfillment. You know, the age old saying goes like the grass is always greener on the other side, but also the goalposts keep moving once you have. have that one thing you've always wanted, once you have that accomplishment, once you have that award or that sense of success, you are always going to want more. And so I think a lot of people are never fully satisfied. I actually read this really amazing quote and I'm not sure where it was, but if I remember it, I'll put it in the show notes. But what it said was that the world is divided into the people who are privileged with being ordinary and those of us who are damned by our desire to be remarkable. And that court genuinely left me a little bit speechless. I don't know why, but some younger part of me just related to that so deeply, probably because in the past I did

always think that my worth was tied to what I achieved. And then I had to be exceptional. And yet I think at those times I'd never been more miserable. So how do we reject this narrative? The wonderkind, that girl Forbes 30 under 30 ideology. I think firstly the main issue we need to tackle or manage is our social comparison, specifically the assumption that we know what's going on in people's lives and that their online persona is their real persona. Although social media I think has really enabled us to see more opportunities and options, like we said, it's also increased the spotlight on our own insecurities and where we feel like we are falling behind, whatever that may be for you. And maybe I don't need to say this, but just in case you haven't heard it today, everything you see

online is fake, like literally everything. And I have an example of this from my own life. I remember this point that I was my saddest, my most unhappy version of myself. And I also, at the time, was posting the most I ever had to social media. And I would get comments, and DMs from people being like, you are glowing, you look so happy, and it was just so far from the truth. When my podcast, like, blew up last year was when I think I was most miserable, because I was so overwhelmed by the expectations and the pressure and the visibility that I just didn't really know how to move forward. And I know that from the outside, I probably looked like I was accomplishing something really massive and I must be overjoyed, but that was so far from the truth.

That was just so untrue. So I really. really think check yourself when you begin looking at people's content or feeds or announcements and you think that that means their life is perfect. You know, remind yourself that you never know the full story. Secondly, I would say avoid toxic media or even people that make you feel like you're falling behind just because you're not hitting the same milestones that they are advertising. Remember, these are really influential social cues that will inform your vision of happiness. So critique what version of a happy life they are trying to sell you, mainly that success equals fulfillment and that you are only worth as much as your output or your productivity.

That's not true. Your life goal can be to work a stable job and buy a cute little house with a garden and watch hummingbirds all day. And that is just as valid. You do not need to have your 15 minutes of fame. You can give it to someone else. And remind yourself that you are still a work in progress. That is what our 20s are all about figuring shit out, making mistakes, making memories, not just acquiring accolades.

And, you know, just because you're not in the same place as some random friend you went to high school with, doesn't mean you won't get there if that's what you want or that you're a failure. You have time. You are taking your time to give yourself the nuance and the dimension and the experiences that a lot of people tend to skip over. And those memories are just as important as more money in your bank account or whatever it is that this vision of success is trying to subject you to. Having ordinary experiences, maybe being ordinary, it doesn't stand in opposition to having dreams or having a vision for your life.

You know, and considering the value in our everyday average good enough lives really helps us reorientate ourselves back to what we actually. desire. If you're very content with what you have, you're never going to feel like you need to be like someone else. There was this really wonderful NPR article and it really put it like this and I think it was amazing. It stated that we, you know, we really need to focus on finding our own interpretation of fulfillment instead of chasing that, you know, that myth that there's always more that we need to be doing. That every struggle, every, every, failure is going to define us, that every moment we don't know what we're doing is signaling that

we're behind because it really is okay to not know right now. It's okay to not be someone famous or be someone really successful, you know, all kind of compiles those original thoughts and, you know, those thoughts that we mentioned before. You can have an ordinary life. You can have ordinary dreams, but also you can have big dreams and still be on your way to achieving them. And finally, find the joy in everyday life. This really rests on some of the foundational principles of mindfulness, which we talk about on the show a lot, you know, having that gratitude and that beginner's mindset to your life.

One of my therapists once told me that one of the easiest ways to feel more content with what you have is to try and find four things every day that bring you delight. You know, the little girl on the train who was like holding a flower that she found or your favorite song that is playing at the grocery store the moment you happen to walk in. Delight is such an overlooked emotion. I don't even think any definition of it does it justice. It just feels delightful. Like we know what that feels like in our bones. And when we look for it, it comes to you and it refocuses your brain away from tangible achievement.

to actually just feeling happy to be here, regardless of what others are doing, regardless of what society is expecting from you or what we praise people for, you're just happy to be here. You're just doing your best. You're figuring things out. And that is just as valid and valuable and admirable as everyone else's achievements. Like someone else's journey is not your journey. And not only do we not know what's going on in their lives at this moment. We also don't know how it's going to turn out. Like life has such a funny way of surprising us and giving us what we think we want at the strangest times. So it's okay to not be at that point you thought you were going to be right now. It's okay to use your 20s for something other than success and for something other than being exceptional.

All right. I think that's all we have time for today. I really hope you enjoy this quick run-through overview of the pressure to be exceptional in our 20s. I'm feeling it. I'm sure a lot of us are, but like we said, it's okay to just be kind of ordinary for a while. It's okay to just enjoy what's going on in your life because you like it, even if society doesn't understand it as much. So thank you so much for listening to today's episode. As always, if you are a frequent listener, you know what I'm going to ask. If you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcast. Spotify, wherever you are listening right now, and follow along for the ride. Follow me on Instagram at That Psychology Podcast or at Gemma Spag if you want to see some more personal content.

I don't know why that made it sound like it was really like R-rated. It's just like pictures of dogs like what I'm getting up to in my life. But if you have an episode suggestion, please send it over there. I love hearing about what's going on in your lives and some of the experiences that, you know, are actually quite common and that more than one of you are definitely feeling. So I appreciate you joining the community over there. We also have a Patreon if you want to support me. It is just me recording, writing, editing, posting these episodes. And it's a lot of work. So I appreciate when you guys offer your support as small as that may be. So thank you so much for listening to today's episode. As always, we will be back next week with another one. So I will

see you then. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host, Kier Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing.

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