The Psychology of your 20s - 123. A life update - healthy love, moving overseas, dealing with online criticism

Episode Date: September 5, 2023

It's been a while since my last life update so I thought we would take a bit of a breather and sit down for a nice chatty episode, just for you all the loyal podcast listeners, discussing all the recent changes and surprises that have been transpiring in my life as of late. From discovering what a healthy relationship looks like after years of tragic dating stories, the end of my single era, to moving to NYC and writing a book (!!!) there is so much to cover, alongside answering some of your burning questions. Listen now!  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/  Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ThePsychologyofyour20s See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. On The Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down,

and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the Outer. My Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host, Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.

In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice in selling, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian, Michael Mancini. My mind was blown.

I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange model.

world. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWA% on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they make. for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast.

New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. Thanks for joining us. Thanks for tuning in for another episode. Today, we are going back to the old school podcast days with a nice little chatty episode. I feel like I've been spending

a lot of time in the theory and the psychology recently. And we also have a few pretty heavy, like I would say, science-based episodes coming out soon, which is amazing. It's my dream job. I would do this for every minute of my life if I could and kind of break down these theories for you. But I also thought since we have so many new listeners, and it's been a while, almost a year since my last life update, I guess,

that I would take today's episode to just do a bit of. of a solo therapy session for you guys and unpack all of the changes in my life recently, some new surprises and what I've been thinking about at the moment as I really transition into what feels like a completely new chapter of my life. I don't know how to explain it, but you know, those moments where, you know, at some of those seasons where everything just starts to get its glow back, like everything starts feeling a bit lighter. You kind of notice people smiling more. everything just feels a bit easier as well. Everything just feels a little bit more beautiful.

And that's kind of where I'm at right now. And it feels like it's been a long time since I've been in one of those chapters. For those of you who don't know what these episodes are, basically, it's like a solo therapy session. I kind of imagine that you guys, the audience, are like my therapist. And I'm going to give you the download and just like chat through what I've been thinking about recently. You know, it's kind of always nice to come up for a breath of friends.

air every now and again. So let's take a deep breath, take a bit of a break and just have a nice little chit chat. And then of course, we will be back Friday with another scientific psychology episode. So what I want to focus on is three things. Number one, spicy, juicy. Everyone's been asking my love life, an update on my love life. Also, if you follow me on TikTok or Instagram, yeah, I have a TikTok. It is terrible. Um, I have like the worst. content ideas, but please go and follow it to validate my attempts at trying to be a social media girl. I talked a lot about on those apps the other day about how I'm really feeling the need to move to another city or move to another country, that like restless feeling that I think is

quite universal for people in their 20s of needing to kind of get up a move and change everything and have those kind of spontaneous adventures. I want to talk about some of those plans, things that I've been contemplating and kind of considering for the next year of my life. And then just some general life updates. I want to update you guys on my move to Sydney, how my friendships are going, how the podcast is going, some of the behind the scenes, things, what I've been struggling with recently. And then just like a rapid fire Q&A. So a lot to get through, a lot to kind of talk about. I love doing these episodes. It feels like talking to friends, even though I'm sitting on my floor in my house, like trying to, well, praying that like a plane

doesn't fly over right now. So if you hear that, please forgive me. But I don't know. I think we get into it. I think that we get started, break down all the things that have been happening in my life recently. So without further ado, I say we get started. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available.

I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result. of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side,

a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid surprises. And Rule 2, never mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends, oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care, so they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed.

I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs?

Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam Jett. And I'm Alex English.

Each episode, we pick a here. unpack what went down and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack, so I'm starting to see that there's a through line.

We also have AIDS on the table right now, so. Then you're finishing that sentence. Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for. for black people. Really? Yeah. For me,

it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast,

learn the hard way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations

with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the things, thing. We get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing and we're still chasing it and we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important

to be a good person while you hear on earth or are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kea, games is we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free iHeartRadio app, search Learn the Hardway, and listen now. Okay, so let's start with the juicy stuff first. So if you have been following me for a while and listening closely to the podcast, you will know that my love life over the past two years is a lot like the average 20-something year olds in that it is chaotic and sometimes a nightmare

and a bit of a roller coaster and definitely has not been particularly fruitful. Sometimes people are like, oh my God, like how are you talking directly to my experience? Like, how did you know that like this is what I'm going through with this guy or with this person or this girl? And I'm like, because I'm going through that as well. Because I think that I've had some kind of curse placed on me where in Or maybe it was just like I was getting the good stories from my 20-something years. You know, I've been really embracing these past few years, the idea that this is the time to get some good stories under your belt to tell your future kids when they ask, oh, did you ever date someone before granddad or before dad or whatever? Like, you need to have some of those stories, some of those, like, characters in your life. So quick recap, if you are a long time listener, I'm talking like OG episodes where I used to record on my literal iPhone in bed because that's how we did it back in the day before I knew anything about audio quality.

But back then, I told the origin story of this show. And it began after a breakup, which I love telling people because I think for a podcast about our 20s, that is just such a quintessential kind of. catalyst event, like a breakup is such a magnificent motivative for starting a project like this. And so I went through that terrible breakup, this big breakup. I always say that we have three relationships experiences in our 20s, the big breakup, the situation ship, and then finally the healthy love. So I did that one first, checked it off my list, got the T-shirt, moved on, and now I find myself really grateful for that because, you know, it's really built this community and it's

built this opportunity for me to really do the thing that I love. And then I had this situation ship experience, which honestly, I think people can relate to this, but it almost hurt more than my first really serious relationship ending. And I think it also just left me so emotionally raw that I went so almost like feral in my dating life. I just kind of lost any sense of standard for how I deserved to be treated. And I was just with this series of series of people who were not very good for me. And I think it left me quite like wounded, really struggling with my worth. You know, sometimes things are a good story and sometimes things are a lesson that you probably could have learned a better way, but you can't really, can't really take

back the past, just have to be grateful for who it made you. And I think now I'm at that point where I am grateful for those experiences. I look back at that time and I realize that if you know that saying, I think it's from like perks of being a wallflats. we accept the love we think we deserve. I think that time in my life just really demonstrated that more than any other. I think it was just such an emotionally salient and impactful experience to me going through that situation with this person and now having the hindsight, being able to really see it clearly and I think evaluate the experience without any of the intense emotions, it was important because it changed my perspective on dating and how I approached

love for some time for the worst, I would say, but then that allowed me to pivot into treating, dating in a much healthier way. So at the start of the year, as you may know, I wanted to do a bit of a reset and really de-centre dating, but also my romantic interactions from my life to just refocus on myself and what my actual priorities were. And I think when we decide to do this. When I've spoken about it before, people have often questioned whether my only motivation for this kind of activity or my only purpose or reason for doing this was because I wanted to come back and find the love of my life. Like we often, I think, sometimes think that if we take some time off from dating, that's going to really like clear the slate for something amazing

to come in. And I get that. I really do understand that kind of reasoning. I think it's very like enlightened and a bit extensional to think if we really want to attract someone, we have to act in the opposite way, like the law of opposites. But truly, that was not even on my mind. I just had this realization that since I was 17, I had always either been in love, falling in love, maybe pining over someone or heartbroken. There had not been a single time between the ages of like 17 and 23. so six years where my life had not revolved around my romantic interests and my life had not been

dominated by the stories that I had to tell about the people I was dating and all the drama and all, you know, the good things as well, but there was just always like they were at the center of the universe. Like I said, I was either absolutely destroyed over a recent breakup or I was falling madly in love with someone because I am such a romantic individual that that happens quite frequently and I just kind of realized that I needed a break from that I really needed to kind of make myself the main character for a little while so I decided I would take the year off from pursuing love which would hopefully a get me back in touch with myself be maybe heal some of those emotional wounds I think I'd let scab over in the past but never truly heal

And I think, see, just, I just wanted to embrace the joys of singlehood for some time. And I speak about this on the podcast all the time. You know, my episode, The Stigma of Being Single, is a perfect place to go if this is what interests you. But there is something really sacred and beautiful about being single. And I was really, really falling deeply into that mentality. And then, well, as the story always goes, I ended up meeting someone completely. completely unexpectedly at perhaps the most inconvenient time. Like I really, you know, I'm going to say the thing that I used to hate people saying when I was

single, but I really wasn't looking and, you know, that saying like it happens when you least expect it. I'm going to be that person who says that. I'm going to be the person that says I met someone when I least expected them and they are just the most wonderful, wonderful, like he's just the most wonderful guy. So I'm going to go into how we met. I don't know. I told him I was doing this. I asked his permission. I'm not going to say his name, obviously, because he has a real job, unlike me. And I don't want his people he works with finding this episode and being like, ooh, juicy, spicy tea. But yeah, I did tell him I was doing this episode. So if you're listening, hey, I got a crush on you and let me know if I overshared. But so we met on

hinge, which I know is ironic because I speak so much about how I don't like dating apps, but here is my excuse. My excuse is that I'm a hypocrite. And then also I was in Bali at the time, and I was in Bali with some really amazing friends of mine, and two of them had just gone through like pretty terrible breakups. So, you know, when you're on your breakup holiday with like all your friends and there are all of these, like, foreign people around, all these people you're never going to see again in a beautiful, romantic, alcohol-infused city, alcohol-infused island, I guess, you're going to do what people do, which is to go on the dating apps and see if you can find, like, a little vacation lover. So I was on that trip and I was like, everyone's doing

it. I caved into the peer pressure and I downloaded Hinge and I was like, this is the last time I'm downloading this app. I have done this before. I'm not doing it again. I, I cannot deal with matching with a million people talking to them aimlessly for a couple of weeks and then never meeting them in real life. And so there I was and then I matched with this guy. And we just started talking and he had a great opener actually. Here is a hot tip for the guys, the girls, the people out there who want to actually have conversations on dating apps. his opener was listen I really don't like small talks I'm going to ask you 10 questions and after these 10 questions you can decide whether you want to keep talking to me and I was like that is great

because it is low effort on my behalf like I have to answer the questions but like I don't really have to try and keep a conversation going and I was like let's do this like this guy is like really attractive I'm like immediately into this person let's do it so we start talking and then I'm on holiday. I kind of forget about it and I end up ghosting him accidentally. It was not like a, ugh, I don't want to talk to this person anymore. There was a lot of factors and I end up like not talking to him for like the last like couple of days of my trip. Come back home to Sydney and then I'm like, oh, whatever happened? Like, why did I not reply to that guy or did I reply to that guy? And he just didn't reply back to me. Like, let me check on this because I was really,

enjoying our conversation. And so go back to Hinge. I've like completely been unresponsive to anyone else on the app except for this person. And I'm like, I'm really sorry for ghosting you. Here are my reasons. Do you have another question for me? Like, let's keep chatting. And he, I don't know how, but he got back to me. And he kept chatting with me. And I thank you for pulling through, bud. Like, I really appreciate the tenacity there. And we just started having like the most. amazing, like, chats. And then I was like, these questioning is, like, going on for a little bit too long.

So I was like, I have a question for you. He was like, yeah, what is it? And I was like, when are you going to ask me on a date? Lo and behold, he did because I asked him to. And we went on our first date and it was incredible. It was like one of those, you know, those like four-hour dates where it's like multiple excursions. Like we got ramen and then we got drinks and then we got frozen yogurt,

which I feel like the frozen yogurt should have come before. the alcohol, but it actually ended up working out really, really well. End of the first day, I was like, this guy, like, he's not given me the signs that he wants to see me again, which is such a bummer, but whatever, like, I'm going to go back to my single girl sleigh era because this was like a barley thing. And now we're not in Bali anymore. We're not in Bali anymore. So if this one doesn't work out, I'm going to shave my head and be single for the rest of my life.

I genuinely thought that. I was like, if this doesn't work out, I'm just going to shave my head. I've wanted to do it for so long. and like the only thing holding me back was like male gazed and that is not a good enough reason to do it. So, and I still haven't done it. So maybe you need to rethink that philosophy. Anyhow, we have just been dating ever since. It obviously went really well.

He did want to see me again. And he has wanted to see me again and again and again. And I just, I don't know how to explain how beautiful it is to find someone, who really thinks you're amazing after so many years of dating people who I always felt like I was begging for their attention. And it was so almost, I also think something that no one talks about is how scary that can be, like how actually terrifying it can be to be like, what kind of game is this person playing here? Like, you're going to drive two hours to see me twice a week and you're going to like pay for our dates and you're going to ask me questions about myself.

and you're going to send me flowers just because you feel like it? What are you trying to manipulate me? Like, what are you trying to get out of me here? Are you just going to leave? And it's just been this, like, kind of learning process of being like, no, this is what, like, healthy love feels like. This is what, like, healthy dating feels like. This is what it feels like when someone shows up for you and is committed to you and

consistent. And I just feel so, like, safe and so happy. and I'm laughing all the time and it's just like every weekend we spend together as like someone has just sprinkled fairy dust all over those moments and all throughout those hours and I really, I don't know, I'm kind of gushing now, really fawning over this person but I don't know how I got so lucky and we were talking about this the other night and I was like, isn't it crazy that like six months ago we had no idea that this would happen? Like neither of us were really looking for a relationship, as we've since discussed. And then it just kind of fell into our

laps. And it just feels like this person, I've like known them for so long. And yet they're completely changing the kind of love that I have for myself. And additionally to that, sorry, this is just like a rant of deep thoughts here. But I think I was always so in opposition to the idea that, you know, dating the right person could be quite healing. And I always kind of thought that you had to do a lot of that work beforehand, do a lot of that historical healing and groundwork before you got into a relationship. But it's kind of showing me the opposite, that the right person can be that kind of final ingredient that really shows you, that you have value, and also just makes life feel so much

lighter and so much more beautiful, and you just feel so appreciated. and it's just completely changed my perspective on what I deserve to the point where it's actually you know it's kind of sad when I look back at I specifically think back to this version of myself probably two years ago now yeah around two years ago who just accepted shit who just was so okay having someone like string them along I remember the like last person who I told that I loved them, I said, oh, I think I'm falling in love with you. And their response was to tell me that they were going on a date with someone else. So that's not their fault. Respect them for that. Go off king. But I stayed in that relationship or whatever you want to call it for like another two or three months.

And I really think that I have, I hold no anger towards this person or or rage or frustration. It's just part of the story. And I think is, I think that it's so interesting now. being exposed to someone who like really does care about me and really wants to be in my life and also just ask questions about what I'm doing. So I'm just really happy. I just think about that version of myself who was crying over someone who clearly did not care about me. You know, this person who never wanted to commit who most certainly did not buy me flowers or plan wonderful weekends. And I thought that I was like so much better off alone and fully ready to spend my 20s in a bit of self-imposed solitude. And then this just kind of happened. So I hope for those of you have

been following me for a while, this only serves to kind of reinforce that you do absolutely deserve a love that is consistent and kind and stable and easy, someone who you don't have to settle for, who just makes you feel adored and interesting and who you feel all of those things for back. And you know, I don't want to like try and guess the future. I think that kind of of ruins their surprise. So I will say who knows what this relationship will turn out like, but I do have high hopes. And it's just been a big part of my life recently readjusting to, you know, have that kind of romantic force in my life. And for the first time in a long time, a really positive romantic force, someone who is really pushing me to be better. Sorry, I'm not

going to go on about this for much longer because I don't want to be that person whose entire reality is their boyfriend. But the final thing I've learned, I think, is that a healthy love will also challenge you in unexpected ways, especially if you have previously been with people who haven't offered you the security that this new person does. I think we often think that, like, we'll find someone who, like, really adores us and all of that past kind of hurt and trauma will disappear and will be erased from our memory. What I'm learning is that actually it is a process of sometimes being triggered by things that they do, where you're expecting a different response based on your history. So, you know, at the start of our relationship, like, he isn't a really

big textor. I hope he doesn't mind me saying this. I don't think he will. But, like, he wasn't a, he still isn't a really big texter. And I'm someone who really likes to chat throughout the day. Like, obviously, I love talking. I run a podcast. So it comes with a territory. But I was like, he wouldn't reply to my messages. He was working understandably. And I would just, like, freak cat, I'd be like, oh my God, he's like, he's not interested in me. The game's up. The other shoe is dropping. I knew it. They all turn out like this. Like, I need to just completely ignore him. I need to like delete all of his messages right now. I need to block him. Like, I cannot do this again. And it was like panic. And my roommates would be like sitting with me being like, you need to chill

out. Like, you need to take a step back and see this clearly for what this is. He is obviously into you. You guys are obviously obsessed with each other. He is just. at work. This is not some hidden sign that he's going to turn out like any of the people that you've known in the past. And so I think that it is a process of really unlearning some of those things. But when you have someone like he is who is just so encouraging and just really offers that reassurance, it's just really beautiful. So I hope that it's not braggy. I just hope that it's a reminder to not settle. And that if you're with someone who isn't treating you like that, really contemplate whether that is what you deserve because I think something I've learned is that

there is something better out there for you and you know there is that theory in psychology around the scarcity effect like we think that like men or the people that we can date as like as a resource of running out and so we just settle for whoever's there that is so not the case you have so much time and you know the right person comes like that. along and just changes everything for you. So hold out hope, but also make good choices. Make good romantic choices. Okay, so we're going to move on from love because love is boring unless you're in it. So blah, blah, blah, blah. There's that update. The other kind of big thing that's happening in my life is I am really looking forward to a bit of a change in pace, a bit of a change in scene for a

couple of reasons. Number one, I think I've been feeling a little bit uninspired recently, lacking a little bit of dimension. Actually, one of the episodes that I'm recording later this week is on like why this life feel boring, because I think that sometimes in our 20s, we can feel like things are a little bit stale and that this is not the time for things to be stale, that we want it to be exciting. That is an experience I'm relating to a lot at the moment. You know, despite all the beautiful things, I've been staying in Bondi quite a bit. I've been working really hard on some new projects. Sometimes it just feels like I'm a little bit restless and I'm ready for a new adventure and I've been kind of tossing up two big things.

Number one is moving to a new city either in Australia, although I've kind of exhausted my options considering I have lived in most places on the East Coast and I'm sorry to my Australian listeners, I do not want to move to Perth, but also moving overseas. And I know that is a fantasy that we all kind of have, like, specifically the like New York, L.A., Paris, London kind of vibe. And it is one that I'm very willingly buying into. The second big thing that I've really been considering is going back to school for something like unrelated to psychology.

I think something scary about working in like podcasting or even like the entertainment space. even in like social media, although I don't know, I don't think my main job is social media, but, you know, still in that space where it's like your ability to support yourself and kind of your worth is almost tied to the amount of attention people are willing to give you. And so when people get bored of you, when like your content is no longer like trendy or like captivating their attention, you are kind of out of a job, right? And I think that that is a fear that a lot of people have in the space. like, I'm only able to do this as long as people are willing to listen.

And yeah, we have so many new listeners. It's like the most amazing, beautiful blessing. But I do have a lot of that fear around the future. I am someone who catastrophizes and has a lot of anxiety, which really, I think, manifests in overthinking and a lot of, like, trying to control the future. And one way that I've been contemplating, like, kind of how to protect myself from not having a job, I guess, or protect myself from

what if I do fail, like, what if I don't want to do this anymore, is to kind of get some future study plans in the works and kind of think about, like, the direction that I could not only take this show, but I could also take my life that maybe expands beyond psychology and also our 20s, like a question I get all the time is like, what are you going to do when you turn 30? And you know what? I have no freaking clue. I have no clue. Like, the life expectancy of this maybe only has like another six years. I'm hoping that it lasts longer, but it is like something that I do really question a lot. So thinking about either going back to school for something unrelated and also moving, you know, and if I were to move, I, like, because I'm going to New York and

LA in the summer for a month and a half. So if you are there, please reach out. I need to know the things to do. I need to know the sites. I don't know. just want to go to like the Empire State Building and I don't know time square so if you've got some hidden hideouts please let me know also would be cute to do a meetup if people are interested in that but I'm going to New York and L.A. this summer and then also to Tokyo not to like think about moving there but just to actually explore and for leisure time and part of that though is this like I think testing the waters around like is this a place that I could live is this a place that I could live is this a place where I could actually see myself building community?

And that is like the biggest factor for me when I consider or like weigh up the pros and cons of moving to a new city or moving to a new country. Like could I find my place here? Could this be my home? And the things that I think about are obviously being away from family and friends. Also I've got a boyfriend now to consider who I would preferably like to stay with and kind of gauging what our plans are together whilst also not rushing things. also things like, would this city have good infrastructure for the job that I do? Would it have good public transport? You know, I think L.A. is out there. But also, like, just good community and, like, nice outdoor spaces. So it is something that I really want to do within, I would say, like,

the next year or two, even if it's just for, like, three or six months doing, like, a radio fellowship or something like that. If anyone from This American Life is listening, please give me a job. It would be my dream. Just going to put it out there. manifested into the universe, but it is like really been something on my mind. Like where where to next? It's the restless fate syndrome, right? Like, why is my life not exciting enough right now? What do I need to do to change that? As someone who is also, I think, very solutions focused. This like feels like a big, a big change that is necessary and that would also, I think, kind of fix a lot of my problems. And I posted a TikTok like this about this, like,

recently and this like person commented being like it's not going to change your problems like running away from your problems is never the solution and I was like yeah you're probably right but then also I think my problems would look a lot better eating one dollar pizza in New York or having an apparel in Italy and also the problems that I'm like quote unquote running away from is not really a problem it's just boredom it's just like a lack of excitement and maybe a lack of novelty that I'm feeling uncomfortable with. So that has also been on my mind. If you are having similar thoughts about this, can you please reach out? Because I know that I cannot be the only one. We need like a support group or something like that. A support group for people in their 20s or even

their 30s or beyond who are constantly restless and constantly looking for like new adventure. And if you are someone who has managed to like make that part of your lifestyle, how did you do it? because I need to do a series on this if I ever decide to make that decision. I feel like the idea is one thing, the execution is another. So let's kind of, let's gather all our thoughts and collective knowledge here. Some other exciting things. Okay, so I'm going to announce this here for the people who have listened this far, but if you have been watching closely, there is a book in the works.

and it has been an experience moving from audio to kind of written work. And a little known fact is that a lot of my podcasts are actually scripted just because of the level of evidence base and kind of some of the studies that we saw. So I want to make sure that they're accurate and that the definitions and the ideas that I'm giving are coming from a place of like factual evidence-based knowledge. but now that's been a lot more of what I've been doing is writing heaps and looking for a publisher and trying to get it out into people's hands. And the anxiety around whether people will buy it is also very pressing because I think any time you take a risk and try and do something new, the first kind of response or fear response is always like, and what if I fail?

So that has been keeping me up at night. But I also just, it's like one of my lifelong goals is to write a book. And even if it's just my mom and my grandma buying it and like my friends, I think I would still be happy with that. I would still be happy just to own a copy and be proud of what I've written. And hopefully if a stranger picks it up one day in like a secondhand bookshop for them to be like, I wonder who this is and come back and find these podcasts when I'm like 80 years old. So that's really like what's been on my mind, guest episode. as well. Gosh, if you guys have any suggestions, I really, really picky. Like, I really want to have

people on who I share a philosophy with, the one that I deeply believe in. And I think I'm getting so many more opportunities to explore that, but I do have, like, some dream guests on the agenda. Someone like Courtney Dolewater, if you don't know who that is, you should really look her up. I've been obsessed with her, like, running career. She is, like, the best ultra-marathoner in the world. male or female. This is like such a weird fact that has nothing to do with psychology or the 20s or even me. But did you know that like ultra running is one of the only sports in which women like consistently beat men? Because it is such a mental game. And they like have all these theories that like

women have better psychological toughness or psychological strength. So they're able to win. But I would love to have her on the show or one of the Matildas like if you're an Aussie, you will know the absolute pandemonium that was caused after the World Cup and like seeing women's sport being appreciated and followed and given funding and support by everyone was just like incredible and I want to be able to really explore like maybe even the athletes mentality or like a winner's mentality how to cope with failure not just for those of us who are athletes you know I am not an athlete so the majority of us who are not professional athletes but just like how we can bring that like philosophy and some of that sports psychology into our lives.

So those have been some of the big things. But what I do want to talk about after this short break is also where I'm at just in terms of my move to Sydney. I moved to Sydney like around a year and a half ago. I want to give an update on that. And then I'm going to do like a rapid fire Q&A of some of the questions you guys sent in. So stay tuned for that after this short break. 2%. That is the number of people.

who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress.

Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess. with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends, oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own.

hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed. I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Remember when Diana Ross double-tap Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam J. And I'm Al. Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s.

To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack, so I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now, so. Thank you finishing that sentence. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah.

For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking. Trip Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing

and we're still chasing it and we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth, or are you a good person because you're afraid?

Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, is we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. Okay, so something else that people ask me about regularly is how my move to Sydney has been going.

So I went to Canberra for uni. and then you know what's ironic is that I'm talking about moving to a new city realizing that I had that exact same feeling like almost two years ago and I did it and now like I'm in that new place feeling like the need to move to another new place but I moved to Sydney like a year and half ago and I talked about on the podcast a lot like back at the start of my last life update how difficult it was and if you are someone who was far away from your community or your home or your hometown, you will really, I think, understand that there is like a six month period when you first move somewhere new where it kind

just really sucks. And you don't really have many friends yet. You don't really have community yet, literally like the basic needs for like human fulfillment. And you're kind of just like grasping its straws for bringing like meaning into your life or even entertainment. And And the last time I spoke about this, I was kind of stuck, I think, in a place of feeling like I'd made the wrong decision. And then I needed to move back to where I was previously living. But I'm happy to report that since then, yes, it has been a while, but things have just, like, changed so much. And I want to come and come on here and just really say, like, that six-month theory of, like, you need six months to adjust to a new place is absolutely correct. because I've now found that, like, I am feeling so at place.

I have the most incredible friendship group. I have met the most incredible people. I understand my neighborhood now. I'm even friends with my neighbors. Stu and Andy, if you guys are listening, you guys are freaking legends. They literally let me, they're, like, screwdrivers the other day, all of them, because I was, like, building a new bed frame. And it's just, like, I feel like I'm kind of living, like, the dream a little bit,

despite what I was saying about my restless fever, like, I do truly feel like I've kind of come into my own in this new city. And I'm really in, like, what I would say is my hosting error. One of the things that I love doing so much as, and I really, like, have to thank my mother for this, thank you, mom, is, like, hosting people at my house. And when I first moved to Sydney, I did not have the opportunity to do that because I didn't have any friends. I knew, like, four people, five people, and they are not always available on the same night. So like a dinner party with two people is kind of, is a little bit sad. Like, you know, the wine can be flowing and it's still, it's not the thing that I was envisioning, but something I've been doing so much

recently is like hosting little barbecues or little dinner parties, playing board games. I've really entered like my soft hosting era where I spoke about this on the making the most out of my 20s which was like a couple weeks back, you really need to be the one who makes the community that other people are going to be grateful for. You, if you want that friendship group, if you want those connections, you have to go out and get them. You have to be the one who creates those memories for other people and kind of set a bit of an inspiration. And so that's been something I've been really prioritizing as of late alongside all of my new work things as well. We have a studio space. If you've seen the video content on Instagram. You will know it is stunning. It is beautiful. And also,

I just recently decided with the, with like a bunch of other creators, um, these two girls who run two broke chicks, they were on for an episode. We've been friends for some time and a bunch of other creators that we were going to rent like a little office space. Because something about freelancing and working from home is that it is exhausting and incredibly lonely to have no one to talk to throughout the day until all your nine to five friends get off work. And so we rented this like adorable studio space. We go in two times a week and that is like the perfect amount to still feel connected to like a larger community of people doing the same things as you. And then also have that like flexibility and time to do the things that you need to do outside of like the workplace.

It has really honestly changed like changed my life at the moment. It's been such a contributing factor to, I would say, my enjoyment and my happiness in this period of my life, obviously other things as well, but having like a space to go and like having people to chat to one of the biggest parts about my transition from full-time work was losing out on some of those like very convenient friendships. And I feel like that has kind of restored things for me. So all in all, I feel like I'm doing super well and just in like a really happy space, a productive space. a lovely, loved space. I want to do like a quick rapid fire Q&A. I asked if you guys had any questions and I was kind of debating whether to like include this, but I feel like the questions

are really good and maybe informative if you're feeling the same way. All righty. So question time, here we go. The first one is, how am I? I feel like I've answered that. I am feeling very happy, very content, very safe, but then also a little bit uninspired at the moment looking for like some challenges. All in a day's work, I think you can go on this bit of emotional roller coaster where like one time, at some time you're feeling amazing and then you're feeling a little bit crappy and you're feeling a little bit down. So just kind of rolling with the punches at the moment. Okay, this next question was really cute. What has been your favorite memory from the past few months? So because I am a massive, I think kind of silent fan of women's sport, I have to include this here.

I went to the Matilda's semi-final. For those of you who have been following along with the FIFA World Cup, it is finished now. Spain did win, rest in peace, the Matildas, the Australian team. But I went to that game and it was insane. It was like the most attended female sporting game in Australian history. It was, and everyone was like an Aussie fan. It was so infectious, so contagious. Then we lost.

oops but and I got stuck on the train on the way home but you know what all and all it was a really beautiful memory I also went to garrangong recently which is like a tiny country town in Australia like on the New South Wales coast would totally recommend it like summer is coming in Australia you guys

you like US European like North I don't know North American girlies have had your summertime it's our time now it's time for an Australian in summer, the best kind of summer, and I can, like, really feel it coming in. So having those, like, small choice moments where I've been enjoying the outdoors and enjoying the beach have been beautiful. Okay, the next question. Biggest life lesson from this year. I, oh, my goodness, I need

to think about that. I would say I have two here, and they kind of relate, but the first one is to say yes to everything. So much about my life has changed this year because I've been willing to put myself out of my comfort zone even when sometimes it doesn't work out but the majority of times I think that some force has rewarded me for my courage so saying yes to everything and my second lesson is that you cannot try and plan too much for the future and you cannot kind of plan the most beautiful things that life has in store for you and I think that relates to why you should say yes more because it really opens you up to those experiences and you know like a big thing we've spoken about is my new relationship. Obviously that was a surprise that came from me

saying yes. And there was so many like invisible, there was such an invisible string that's been like tied between meeting this person and then also all these things in my past. But I really do think that that's a part of my new philosophy. And also, you know, we're more than halfway through the year. I hope it's one that I carry through into 2024. Okay, next question. What is my attachment style and how have I become more secure? So really relates to the first half, I think that sometimes we get confused with attachment style by thinking that it's like something that we can decide

and thinking that it's something that is very, I don't know, like negligible and movable or flexible. I would say that I've always been a securely attached person given my understanding that attachment style really does come from like parental influences and my parents were, an amazing, are an amazing set of people who have really guided me to find good love. But then also there is the acknowledgement that events in our early teens and also in our early adulthood, certain relationships, certain betrayals, certain instances of abandonment can really shape us

into becoming people who are perhaps more anxiously attached. So I would say that the past two years have been one that has been defined by a lot of anxiously attached. symptoms or signs. When this, the second part of this question is like, how do you become more secure? And I think I can speak to that more and it's around, I would say, making deliberate decisions around who gets to love you in the sense that if you want to cure your, or cure, if you want to heal your anxious or ambivalent or dismissive attachment style, I think that is hard to do. without having practice and without having people challenge you. So sometimes when we are anxiously attached or people who become anxiously attached,

that can lead, or even someone who's avoided, that can lead to a lot of anxiety and sometimes a lot of avoidance or emotional insecurity around entering into new relationships. If you find someone who is going to meet you in the middle and who you can tell will really attempt to understand you and understand where perhaps some of these responses or triggers or reactions are coming from. I do truly believe that it's one of the most healing things we can experience when it comes to our attachment style. But also it comes, it also, you know, requires action and agency from you as well. You really need to kind of at times over-communicate your needs and you need to ask for reassurance when you are in a situation that may be challenging

for you and have the courage to be vulnerable because I think that if you are with the right person and you communicate to them, perhaps why you're feeling a certain way, why you're behaving a certain way, if they're a good person, if they're meant to be in your life, they will understand and reciprocate that back. So there is my advice on that. Do I receive criticisms and how do I deal with these? Yes, 100%. All the time, actually. Oh, not all the time. Sometimes. Actually, If you look at my like reviews in China, this is so random, but there's like this one person who has been like spamming the podcast with negative reviews because they for some reason cannot listen to certain episodes.

And I think it's just like a them problem. And when I first saw that, I was like, oh my God, they hate me. How do I fix this for them? I like tried to get in contact with them. And then I was like, Gemma, you cannot control internet access in China just to make someone like you more. So I think that that kind of answers, how do I respond or deal with these? You know, I think sometimes people are always, people always like to have opinions about things.

That's a beautiful part about being human. I've noticed and realized that some people are not always nice about that. They will find things that they don't like about anything. But I think it comes to like recognizing that that comes from a place of insecurity from them or because of a deep opinion, neither of which you can change. So as long as you have people around you whose opinions you do trust and who you know will say if perhaps you've said the wrong thing or if something you've done is maybe not up to scratch, that is really important. And just realizing everything's temporary, like, I've gotten some pretty mean messages that have, like, hurt me for a few days. And then if you ask me what they were now, I probably couldn't tell you.

So it all comes to pass. It's just part of the territory. All right. last question because this episode has gone on for way longer than I wanted it to. It's like 30 minutes now. So this one was a really beautiful one. And I want to finish here. Are you at a point in your growth where you 100% love yourself? When I read this question, it actually made me do a double take because I, my initial answer was like, yes. Like yes, of course. And then I really thought about it and I think that we can never be at a point where we are 100% love ourselves and maybe that's a

little bit controversial but I think that it's important to always have things that you're working towards and you can always love yourself more. So I think in terms of am I at a point where I've loved myself more than I ever have before? The answer to that is yes. I've really come to two things I want to say about this because I was talking to my boyfriend about it around what I was like during my late teens, early 20s, and we were looking back through, like, photos and all text messages I had with some of my best friends. And my life was so fucking chaotic. Like, it was so chaotic. There was always some kind of drama going on or something that was wrong or some problem. And I realized that, like, I've really achieved a level of peace and I could never go back

to that really frenzied time. So I would say that has greatly contributed to myself, love. Also, I've just been really on this radical self-compassion journey. If you were a frequent listener, you will know where that term comes from. But yeah, I've really been on this journey around accepting the things I cannot change and loving myself for them anyways. So I like this question. I think it's one that we should all ask ourselves. Are we at a point where we 100% love ourselves? And could we love ourselves more? And I think I, the answer to both of those is no and yes. I definitely think I could love myself more. Maybe I'll never be at 100%, but I'll be honest, I'm doing pretty well right now. So I appreciate all of your questions. I appreciate that if you've

gotten this far, that you're still listening. Thank you so much for caring about my little life. It's actually really special. So I really appreciate your time and your attention. If you have an episode suggestion, as always, please feel free to drop me a link at that psychology podcast. I read all and I really do take a lot of inspiration from your ideas. As always, if you also enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now. There's an episode you've loved recently. Share it with a friend. You never know who it will help out. And sincerely, genuinely, deeply, thank you so much for all of your support. Recently, the show has just become this whole new beast, this whole new baby, this whole new

project and I just feel so grateful that people connect so much with this content and it is just like I think a point recently where I've really been a point that I've really been reflecting on recently of how lucky I am and how far this community has come so there is not a day that goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars so I appreciate you listening I appreciate you sharing and you following and as always I say as always all the time it's fine we're amongst friends, as always, we will be back on Friday with another episode. So thank you for listening and I will see you then. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. Eighty-four is big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex

English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down and try to make sense of how we survived it with our friends, fellow comedians and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. Before it was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite therapist and host, Kare Games.

This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit are honest? It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen to learn the hard way on the IHard radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Ellen's, correct?

I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Alesspian. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police.

As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to a Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the signs of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience

in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side, a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWA% on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an I-Heart podcast.

Guaranteed Human.