The Psychology of your 20s - 124. Moving to a new city in our 20s

Episode Date: September 8, 2023

A lot of us in our 20s feel the urge to upend everything and move to a new city - maybe for work, for a partner or just for the pure adventure of a new experience and environment. So in this episode we're going to break down why our 20s are perhaps the best time to make this major life change, from the lack of external responsibilities to the psychological benefits it brings, including self reflection, promoting a growth mindset and realising our ideal selves. We'll also explore why the urge to move to a new city really reflects our innate novelty seeking behaviour and why some people, the so called 'serial movers', can never seem to stay in one place for long. And finally, what are some of the practical ways we can actually do this and build community, maintain financial security, avoid feeling isolated? And what exactly is the so-called '6 month' rule? All of that and more, listen now!  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/  Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ThePsychologyofyour20s See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down,

and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the Outer. My Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host, Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor it? It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.

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and worry. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO percent on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is great to have you here back for another episode. Now, this one is pretty special because it is kind of almost a part three from a series that we did a

couple of weeks ago on how we can make the most out of our 20s. And if you've listened to that episode, we briefly discussed why it's important to move to a new city during this decade, whether that is in your home country or abroad. And you know what? I really thought that this topic deserved its own entire episode, especially after so many of you have reached out and let me know your experiences, what you'd wished. You'd known, even the goals that you have to do this yourself. There were so many lived experiences, but also questions and, you know, questions for advice that I thought we may as well do it separately. So today, that is this episode. We are going to be unpacking exactly why we feel the urge to sometimes,

I would say, upend our lives and just travel halfway across the globe, why there are numerous benefits of this, not just psychologically, but also emotionally and socially. And finally, kind of the big question which is how do we do it? How can we unlock that potential dream that so many of us share? I just want to make a quick disclaimer as well that I totally understand that this is not always an option for everyone because of financial concerns or passports or family and I really do appreciate that. But for those of us who do have the opportunities to consider this, I wanted to really chat through not just some of the practical advice, but also some of the surprise. psychology, like, did you know that there is a literal term for people who cannot stay in one

place for too long? And there's also, you know, this concept that explains why we kind of get this restless urge in our 20s. It's called novelty seeking behavior. So I think that all of us, including myself, will be very surprised by how much psychology really underpins this very, I would say quintessential 20-something desire. So we're going to discuss all of that and so much more. I also want to really discuss and really explore this idea of a six-month rule. And that essentially says that you need to give any new place you move, wherever that is, six months.

You have to really dedicate six months of time, six months of energy, before you can make any further decisions. It takes that amount of time to kind of, establish a community to find your favorite restaurants and coffee spots to get a lay of the land. And I think anecdotally, and from my own life, this hypothesis is very, very accurate. And alongside that, I also really want to explore what are some of the actual behaviors that we can instigate, one of some of the things we can do to make our move a successful one, especially around things like loneliness or fear, those kind of feelings that we are going to bring

to a new environment, but also these kinds of fears that are going to hold us back. How can we make friends? How can we navigate dealing with financial anxiety? How can we find a place to live? How can we really come to embrace this new chapter and this new challenge? Moving overseas, I think, is one of the best things that we can do at this age. So if you have even been toying with the idea, I really hope that this episode convinces you to bite the bullet. as we always say, a comfortable life isn't always the best life. And maybe this is kind of the challenge that you have been looking for as you start to feel a little bit stagnant or stuck where you are. I don't know if it's just me feeling this, but I have an intuition that this sensation,

this experience of longing, of boredom of the need for excitement is a lot more common than we think. So we have a lot to get through. I'm really excited for this episode. And thank you again for all of your contributions and ideas. Without further ado, let us get into some of the psychology behind moving to a new city in our 20s. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter.

And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness. and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress.

Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side. a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes.

And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriend. I'm Anna Sinfield and in this new season of the girlfriends Oh my God, this is the same man A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist I felt like I got hit by a truck

I thought how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care so they take matters into their own hands I said oh hell no I vowed I will be his last target He's gonna get what he deserves Listen to the girlfriends Trust me babe

on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tap Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at It podcast. I'm Sam Jett. And I'm Alex English.

Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack all day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack, so I'm starting to see that there's a through line.

We also have AIDS on the table right now, so... Thank you for finishing that sentence. Yes, I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years. for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hardway with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing,

we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing and we're still chasing it and we don't know when we've done enough because people scoreboard watch life becomes about wins and losses Steve Burns Dustin Ross because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth or are you a good person because you're afraid because that's two different intentions bro absolutely and that that's two different levels of trust I want you to just really be a good person Join me, Keir Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway.

Open your free iHeartRadio app, search Learn the Hardway, and listen now. Moving to a new city, recreating ourselves, paving kind of a new future or even a reality of excitement and community, is such a defining experience for those of us who do it. It's also a decision that I think personally is incredibly important, something that we should all do at least once in our lives. I'm sure it is on more than one bucket list. It's definitely on my own. So I think the reason why is that there is something uniquely really transformative about making the conscious decision to upend everything in your life that is normal, knowing that it will be uncomfortable and that it's going to be hard at times, but also having this. really deep understanding that in the long run, it kind of might be the choice that we look back on and pinpoint as the decision that really changed everything. Anecdotally, this has been the perspective of countless people that I have spoken to, countless others who have written into me and said, you know, moving to New York or London or Barcelona or Canada was the beginning of my life. It was the best decision I've ever made.

it's kind of a movie moment, right? It's this movie moment that I think we all deserve. And the argument I really want to kind of make today is that based in a lot of the psychology about the developmental milestones we're hitting in this decade, about where we're at in our life journey, our 20s are the absolute best time to take this risk and to have that experience. And I, of course, have my reasons. I'm going to let you know what they are. I think firstly, our 20s are just accompanied by minimal external responsibilities that are associated with lady gears. So I'm thinking things like children, even pets, long-term partners, financial responsibilities

like mortgages, and even things like study, right? We often tick that off in our early 20s and really for a lot of us, that period comes to an end by 22 and 23. and we're kind of left with a bit of a blank canvas, a bit of open space. And the benefit of that, as scary as it can be, is that there is nothing holding us back. There is very little or very few people, I guess, that we are accountable for other than ourselves. And that is exactly the time and the season in which pursuing a big life change, like moving, is not only invaluable but actually perfect timing, right? There's few times in our lives that I think

we can truly say that, that this is perfect timing. Of course, there are a few other psychological benefits behind why I think this is an important choice. So moving to a new city provides a bit of a shock to the system in many ways, and that acts as a catalyst for a lot of the necessary growth we need to go through in this decade. So let me lay out a few of these things for you. Firstly, I think that experience of being uncomfortable in a new place for however long that last undoubtedly gets you to know yourself better. And as we always say, the only stable relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself.

So building that foundation of independence, of self-reliance and true inner knowledge, I think that's really sacred. it also reflects this really key milestone that the psychologist Eric Erickson spoke about, and that is the battle between identity and confusion. This is this kind of period, this milestone we all go through at some stage, normally during our 20s, in which we do have to strike out on our own. And we have to, in some ways, push back against the thinking and the traditions of our families and our parents to form our own identity.

And a new city, I think miles away from everything you've ever known is a really great place to do that. It's a really, you know, amazing place to form your own identity. Secondly, it provides kind of a challenge which really requires us to build resilience. And I think resilience is this concept that we don't speak about enough. But it's really the ability to recover quickly from setbacks.

And that's really crucial for maintaining good mental strength. And we are going to encounter setbacks in this scenario. Things like visa problems, struggling to find a good place to rent that's not $50 million making new friends. And these experiences, these parts of that journey, they're really frustrating, they're annoying. But every time we successfully overcome something like that, it serves as an important lesson and memory that we are able to reflect back on when times are hard in the future. And it provides the hindsight that everything will work out, that we have actually gone through things that are arguably quite difficult and come out on the other side. It also promotes what we would call a growth

mindset versus a fixed mindset. Coming at you with all the psychology terms here, but someone with a growth mindset, they kind of view things like success and their intelligence and their abilities as capable of change and capable of improvement through effort. So when we encounter failure is someone with a growth mindset, that is not something to be ashamed of, it is something to be learned from and overcome. On the other hand, we have the fixed mindset and someone with that mindset really views things like intelligence, things like success, things like luck, as inherently stable and unchangeable over time, meaning that the setbacks and the failures they encounter or the hiccups, they're not something that they can really adapt to.

So there was a study done by the Stanford Graduate School of Business. And then another one kind of repeating, recreating that study done by the National Institute of Health, and both of them really firmly showed that having a growth mindset really boosts our happiness almost in every dimension of life. And it's also something that we can learn when we put ourselves through what we would call adaptable challenges. So there's no point putting yourself in a situation where you have to fail. Like if you signed up for an ultra marathon tomorrow, you know, 200 plus kilometers, that is not an adaptable situation. Like you're probably not going to be able to complete that run. But if you do

something smaller, like sign up for a 5K or move to a new city or go on a solo trip by yourself, that is an adaptable situation in which you can teach yourself that you will be a six. successful, that you can overcome things that might go wrong, and that really leads to this better attitude in the future. Another element of why I think this is a really invaluable experience for kind of testing us in our 20s and testing our identity and our personality is that naturally it really improves our problem-solving skills, but also a big move like the one we're talking about, it really spurs self-reflection. One of the biggest theories around self-awareness and self-reflection, it was presented by the psychologist called Duvow. And what he suggested is that at any given time,

we can be self-focused or other-focused. And a lot of the time, we're focused on our external environment. What deadlines do we need to meet? What do we need to make for dinner? Which friends do we need to catch up with. All of those kind of mundane things on our to-do list, they really have their place, like they're important for maintaining routine. But what they also do is prevent us from that inward focus that's really crucial and that self-reflection. It's an important question to really ask. You know, when was the last time you really took a second to do a bit of a mental inventory or check around what in your life is actually making. you happy? Who is making you happy? Where is the path you're on now taking you? And is that actually

where you want to be? And maybe there are even some other bigger existential questions you've been avoiding. You know, who do I want to be in the next five years? What decisions can I make now that my future self will thank me for? If I stay on this path, perhaps one in which I feel a little bit bored or a little bit stagnant, maybe not challenged, is that really going to make me, the happiest version of myself in the future. And it's those hard questions that I think are almost built into the mental process that we have to undertake before moving. You know, when we contemplate when we might move to, we really have to take stock of what our vision is moving forward. What are our priorities? What's going to make us truly fulfilled, right? And like, that kind of creates

a fork in the road that really shifts your timeline. And with some of that, you know, a lot of the core elements of your personality and your outlook because you're about to encounter all of these novel experiences and it's those experiences that will shape who you are during this formative decade. And I think the result of that, like I've been saying, is really transformative. And finally, I think one of the other countless benefits, too many to get into, of moving, is that it reinforces that deep philosophy that we have said time and time again. life is not meant to be convenient and comfortable at all times. We really grow from discomfort.

So choosing what's easiest kind of defeats the purpose, right? Like, yes, life can be soft and gentle and peaceful, but if we don't give ourselves or our minds a challenge every now and then or provide it with new stimuli and experiences like adapting to a new environment, we're going to feel a little bit defeated. And at times we see people become really deeply disdemeanor. satisfied with their lives. And that's not to say that moving to a new city is going to cure that dissatisfaction. That's something we'll talk about a little bit later. But if that's you right now and you're feeling restless, you're feeling that tingle, that kind of spark to spontaneously leave

everything behind, there are a few explanations for this and even more behind why this gut instinct might be the one that you should be paying attention to. Humans crave. Humans crave. new experiences. In psychology, it's this phenomenon called novelty seeking or neophilia for those of us who go to almost extremes to find the thrill of new experiences like skydiving or risk-taking behavior. Basically, the reasoning is this. New things, new memories, new environments, they're really interesting, but also they release dopamine in our brains. They make us curious and they encourage us to kind of find out more and they also just provide very basic entertainment. Novel things through all of those kind of elements capture our attention.

You are more likely to notice things and be present. And what that experience does is it activates different regions of our brain. And that creates a really positive experience, a positive feeling, which is why there is a connection between wanting some novelty in your life, wanting something new and happiness, and therefore that innate drive to seek out new experiences, especially when life starts to feel a little bit boring. So if you're at that point, maybe what your brain is trying to tell you is we kind of need something new here, right? We need something a little bit different to keep us entertained because we've kind of taken all that we can

from what's in our current environment. And parts of that might be you need to kind of switch up routine. There are a lot of smaller micro habits that we can bring into our daily lives. But a big jump or a change like a new city really kind of provides your brain with all of that and more. I think another element as to why a lot of us in our 20s are particularly attracted to the idea of moving overseas or anywhere really is the romance. And I'm not just talking romance in the lovey-dovey sense, but romance in more of like a literary emotional sense, the romance of a new city of, you know, rainy days and new bars and new people. We all want that kind of life story that people can ask us about 80 and we can surprise them with like the time we lived in Canada

or we took six months to live in Nepal. I think we all have this very idealized, glamorous storyline of how we want our life to be and kind of, what's more dreamy and in some ways mysterious than, you know, learning who you are and having all of those coming of age stories in a foreign city. It also really, I think, reflects that drive for adventure, that drive not only for novelty, but also for kind of freshness and risk and unexpected surprises. You know, humans are storytellers and we want good stories to tell, especially when we're in our 20s and we're kind of young and wild and chaotic and free. But of course here is the question we need to ask ourselves.

Will moving actually make us happier? Can we really just get up, shift our lives to a new city and leave all of our problems behind? And it's so funny because I posted a video about this the other day. And one of the comments was someone essentially warning me very kindly that moving wasn't going to make me happier. And that really what I was expressing was kind of like a compulsion to ignore or avoid my problems. But I think if the issue you're facing is that your life is just a bit boring and you're craving a new beginning, moving to a new city isn't a distraction. It's part of the solution.

Not everything, you know, speaking as someone who runs a psychology podcast needs to kind of be pathologized into being a problem. Not every desire is a projection of some unhealthy coping mechanism. Sometimes you just want to do it. something because you want to do it. But returning to that question, will it make us happy? There's actually been some research on this. As always, science has the answers. And there are really two main schools of thought. One school of thought says yes, moving to a new city is kind of the perfect, fresh start that people need to recalibrate their happiness. And the other camp, it says that whilst moving might provide us with, you know, a temporary, fix a temporary,

lift in our mood. In some studies, what they've seen is that our happiness eventually returns to its baseline, you know, before we moved after a little while. So it's hypothesized that when we keep chasing that feeling, we keep craving novelty and newness, sometimes we fall into the trap of never staying one place for long. So these are the people that we would call the serial movers, that friend of yours who is never in one place for very long, who can never have that commitment to the place they call home. And it's really rare, I would imagine, but some therapists have identified that this pattern of behavior, this really frequent serial moving, is perhaps a defensive strategy in which we seek external change in our environment to change what is essentially

an internal problem. So I think it's worth reminding ourselves that no matter how much we move, you do still take yourself with you. But also, you know, I think my problems would look a lot better with an apparel spritz in Italy. Or, you know, it would be a lot easier to manage when I'm walking in the Swiss Alps, right? What I'm really getting at is that environmental change, it brings perspective, not just distraction. So what I want to talk about now is another dimension of this question that we're facing or this urge that we're looking at, which is what are some of the difficulties that we are going to encounter? Things like fear, things like anxiety, building new community, loneliness, you know, finding your place. I think they all come with the territory.

It's all something that we're going to encounter. But really what I'm going to outline is my six month rule that I have when I move to a new city. And also some of the best tips for settling in and making the most out of kind of your new home, out of this new place that you will eventually call home. All of that and more in just a second. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory.

We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier, person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield. And in this new season, of the girlfriends.

Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed I will be his last target.

He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your question. cost. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look

Back at it podcast. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84's big to me, me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now.

Thank you finishing that sentence. Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hardway with me, your host, and your favorite

therapist, Keer Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross,

because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth? Are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines,

as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, learn the hard way. Open your free, our heart radio app, Search learn the hard way and listen now. I think there's really a perfect time to make a big life change like choosing to move to a new city. And if we're always searching for reasons why we shouldn't do something, you know, maybe you have a partner that you don't want to leave behind or do long distance with or a really good group of friends. If you're always looking for those reasons, you'll always find that there is something stopping you.

But I think the philosophy that I want us to take, and I'm sure it's a common one, is that you don't want to look back in 50 years and realize that you could have had a completely different life if you've just taken a bit of a risk. Regret really comes from that dark realization that there is nothing that we can do to change the past. So we really need to act with our future selves in mind when making these decisions. So although we've spoken about all the benefits, another element of it is that sometimes we can be frozen by fear, kind of almost playing this tug of war with these two desires. Do we stay

or do we go? And there's a lot of things that are underpinning this. It's very natural to feel anxiety and fear at the precipice of a big life change, potentially as well, one that's going to upend one of our core human needs, the need for security. And what it often comes down to is that fear of the unknown. Humans as a species are really bad at dealing with uncertainty. And so we like to create our own hypotheticals or visions of what could come next, kind of in order to provide us with a sense of comfort that we can not only predict the future, but plan for it. And often these ideas or things that we concoct, they're a lot more negative than what will actually happen in reality. For example, you know, catastrophizing and thinking,

well, when I get there, I won't have any friends and I'll be so terribly lonely. and I'll never find anyone like me. I'll never find community, so I should just stay where I am. In that instance, a negative uncertainty bias is impacting your decision-making. And what it's trying to do is scare you out of pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone. It's kind of ironic how our minds really crave two things at once.

They crave the novelty and the new experiences, but also what is comfortable and secure. But I think by recognizing that your brain is likely to be in that kind of automatic state of negativity bias, you're actually better able to distance yourself from those thoughts and think more rationally and also positively, not just about your current situation, but also about the future. Additionally, I think major life changes can cause a lot of stress for us, particularly us people who feel a lot more comfortable in a routine. and even for those who like a little bit of risk, a little bit of trouble, it's still going to present its challenges.

I think what's interesting to note here is that the brain actually tends to deal with all types of stressful, major life changes in the same way. So we typically think of certain life events like the death of a family member or graduating university as things that are quite stressful, right? Those are things that we really recognize as being a little bit scary and almost coming with a bit of grief. But things that are also seemingly positive like celebrating a new marriage or moving, they can also prompt the brain to react with unease and discomfort. That's because these experiences, good or bad, however we appraised them, they go against our sense of normalcy and the consistency that our brain expects. So it acts with an alarm.

It responds in a state of panic in order to really make sure that we are processing whether this new environment or this new experience actually poses a threat. Importantly, that is going to go away eventually with time. And when we begin to realize that this new thing, this new experience, this new situation, it's not as scary as it needs to be. And here is really where I want to introduce the idea of the six-month rule that I've already spoken on a little bit. So I've moved a few times in my life.

I moved to Canberra from Melbourne for university. And then most recently, from Canberra to Sydney, which I think was a much more significant transition for me given I did not have the structure of a college or a university environment. And if you listen to my life update on Tuesday, you'll know there is the potential also for another big move in the future. From experience, I've realized that when you move to a new place, it is going to take about six months to feel settled. Just like it takes a few months to adjust to a new job or a new relationship. And in those first six months, you cannot make any drastic decisions. You cannot

let yourself move back home. You cannot let yourself almost give up on the dream because it's going to take that amount of time to fully realize the potential of this new place and actually build some of those core needs, things like community, things like a sense of security, things like a sense of place. And let me tell you from personal experience, it is like clockwork. That six month mark comes around and suddenly you kind of look up and you feel like you have people you can call on. You know the best local spots. You have your old haunts. The kind of public transport is down pat. And now this is not a scientific theory. Let me really state that clearly. It is very much anecdotal. But I think the reason that this timeline fits this situation so well is because

the first couple of months are going to feel really exciting and romantic and novel. You know, you really haven't had the time to process the change. So it probably just feels like a really long holiday. And the next few months, those are about adjustment. And that is when the homesickness, the dislocation, and the loneliness can really take hold. But then we integrate and we adapt. As humans do, we are very adaptable people. So when we give ourselves the opportunity to find solutions, what we find is that we reach that six-month mark and we feel really secure and we feel like we've done the work.

There are a couple of things that we're likely to encounter during those first few months that I want to discuss. Not to kind of make you scared, but just to kind of prepare us all with the idea of what moving actually entails and to get kind of the best information possible. As someone who has done this before, who was planning on doing it again, maybe you can, I don't know, take something from my experience and feel a little bit less scared, a bit more prepared to make this choice. So the number one thing that I think we need to consider has to do with our social relationships and our sense of community. And I think two critical experiences that most likely will occur, but also come hand in hand, is that firstly we will experience kind of a shedding of old relationships.

And number two, it's likely that we're going to feel a little bit lonely at time. So let's tackle that first one. There are a number of relationships, particularly friendships, that we sustain because they are convenient or out of a sense of obligation. When we move to a new city, we really separate the true friends from maybe the ones who are just there for the season or the moment maybe, because that distance will put a strain on a connection, however strong it may be. And it also really minimizes that proximity factor that we know is important in friendships being close. You know, when I moved to Sydney, I think my friendship circle shrunk by about half. There are people who I would see really frequently back in Canberra who I really haven't spoken to since I left. And that is absolutely fine.

You know, the distance kind of separated us. We realized that what it really was was convenience and proximity that was keeping us together. and it may feel really scary at first. Like, you've kind of suddenly lost all of those connections. But I really think that's a natural part of our emotional and our social development in our 20s anyways. Everyone is going to go through it even if they decide to not make a change like this. Sometimes we need to shed some of those excess connections.

What will become apparent, though, are the people who want to stay in your life. And I also found that to be a massive experience, the people who wanted to see you, who call you regularly, who plan trips back and forth, who just send those little, I'm thinking of you messages. Those are such strong friendships. And I think when I moved, it really gave me so much comfort that I really had made the right decision that the people who really meant the most to me would stay. You know, distance in this situation does not mean goodbye. But often when we see those relationships dropping off, we can be met with a profound sense of loneliness.

And loneliness is not a dangerous feeling. I want us to remember that. It's merely our brain telling us that it's time to reconnect the same way that we feel hungry or we feel cold. However, I think when we feel like there's no way of doing that, that is when we can feel most lost. Listen, you're going to feel lonely every now and again. Slowly but surely, though, you will meet new people and you will build that community around you. And I have a few tips as to how we can do that. Number one, ask your friends if they have any mutuals in the city that would be open to kind of meeting you. You know, often that's the easiest way to find new people is through existing connections and relationships. Because if you like your friends, which I'm assuming you do, chances are you're going

to like their friends as well. And, you know, kind of bonus points if they also know someone who is also just moved because they'll also be looking out for friends as well. Number two is to join a local social sporting group. Easy made friends. You see them once a week. You can go and get beers after. You socialize and pretty soon you're revealing your darker secrets. You know, I did futsal for a while and then netball. And even if these people don't become like your lifelong best friends, we know from numerous studies that just having that regular, social contact helps alleviate loneliness. There's really few feelings worse than realizing that you've gone days without speaking to anyone and we really want to avoid that. So if sport isn't your thing,

I also think that things like art classes or pottery classes, just somewhere you can go for a discreet period of time on a regular schedule. My third tip is to try and keep a routine. Go to the gym at the same time. Go to the same cafes. or bars, catch the train at the same time, work from, you know, the office as much as possible because that is how you will often encounter the people with the same schedule as you and kind of bingo, you have something in common, you have something to talk about, you see them regularly, it's the easiest way to meet new people. A few more tips, I would say in that first six-month period, say yes to absolutely everything, even if you think that it's not your cup

of tea. Join Bumble BFF. That is also a really big help when we're in a new city. And whatever you do, do not date within the first six months. You can go on the casual day. You can have a hookup, but finding a committed partner during this time is not going to do any good. And although it might feel nice to have someone you can rely on, I think it will most likely leave you feeling isolated because you don't build those connections for yourself. I actually spoke to this girl the other day who had just moved to Sydney and she had started dating someone like a month into being here and eight months later they broke up. But because all of her friends were his friends, she essentially had to start from scratch. So I think it's your time to feel a little bit scared to feel independent

and fly solo. Even if that leaves you feeling a little bit lonely at times, do not just jump into a new relationship for that sense of comfort. The other major factor is, of course, living situation. I don't know about you guys, but every city around Australia right now is facing a massive rental shortage, and landlords are just taking advantage of that, like, crazy. Like, I've seen friends have rental increases of upwards of, like, $200 a week, like, each. So the cost of living and finding a place to live is going to be difficult. I think it can be hard to feel settled if you feel uncomfortable or uncertain in your housing situation

because like we said before, that security is one of our foundational needs. But here are some of the tips that you can bring with you. If you want to give yourself some time to find a place that you really love that is in your budget, I would totally suggest house sitting for the first month whilst you find your feet. often that also means you get free accommodation so good for saving money and you can actually take your time to find something perfect secondly share housing is kind of amazing for these situations because based on your luck with roommates you basically have inbuilt friends from the moment you move and they typically already have community that you can kind of access or slot right into also it's likely to be cheap

and I know that living alone is so nice, but it's also a bit of a luxury and sometimes I do think that it can isolate us further when we come home from a long day at work and we kind of only have our bed or our TV to comfort us. It's not for everyone, but literally two of my housemates we met on Facebook, they had just moved to the city and they're legends and already they kind of feel like part of the family. Also around some of that financial uncertainty, I think, moving is inevitably going to cost you some money. There is no way around that, especially if you're moving overseas, things like visas, passport fees, extra luggage. It adds up, obviously. Financial anxiety can be a really significant stressor that interrupts the excitement of the experience. And we did a

whole episode on this about a year ago about how stress around money can really manifest in our mental and emotional experiences. But basically, I would say before you move, try and have enough money saved up that you could feasibly cover three months of living expenses generously. Kind of see that fund not as an emergency fund but as a solution fund. If things don't work out as planned, if the job hunt or the house hunt is a bit harder than you expected, at least in that situation, you're not needing to stress from day one from the moment you get off the plane. You have a bit of time, a bit of a buffer to really sort everything out. my goodness, this is kind of turning into a financial podcast rather than a psychology podcast. I did

not see that happening, but I think returning to that first point, my final piece of advice is to just give it time. This is such an exciting chapter in your life. I am excited for you if this is a choice that you're making. But also, it's not just the good, exciting bits that are important. It's also about the spectrum of emotions, the frustration, the loneliness, the fear, the displacement. Not every experience has to be a good experience and not every experience has to make you stronger, but I do think that they bring dimension into your life and also they bring you more to your personality, more to your personhood. What kind of people would we be if we never challenged ourselves? If we were never able to kind of take a chance, never just kind of took that leap of

faith and did it because we wanted to, because that is the future that we wanted to create for ourselves. I just really truly think that if you have this opportunity, it is such a transformative experience and hopefully I have given you some sufficient evidence to consider it, but also some of the ways that you can make that transition easier. Honestly, from all the comments I've received, there has not been a single person who has regretted this decision. So, I would say if we're looking to make the most out of this decade, moving, you know, putting ourselves in that new environment, exploring a new city, that seems like a pretty strong contender to help us really, I think, make the most out of everything that our 20s has to offer. So I really hope that you enjoyed this episode. I certainly did.

Honestly, some of the research was really validating for me, given that this is a decision that I'm also looking to make. We are in the same boat, that is for sure. As always, if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to share it with a friend, a loved one, a family member, a co-worker who you think might need to hear this episode. And leave us a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. It really does help the show to grow and reach new people. We also have a Patreon. And if you like my content and if you want to support me further, it really is just me doing

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